Single Ladies In Your Area - Being Single at Christmas

Episode Date: December 20, 2024

Amy and Harriet look at tips and tricks for getting through the festive period, single. How do you make new traditions? Is booking a flight somewhere sunny the best way to go? Or should we just drink (a responsible amount of) wine and post a Christmas thirst trap?Support the podcast and enjoy early and ad-free listening, BTS content and more by subscribing to our Patreon at patreon.com/singleladiesinyourareaWe want to hear your dating stories! Email in at [e-mail] Single Ladies In Your Area on Instagram @singleladiespodRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photos by Matt Crockett and Linda Blacker.Design by Welcome Studio. Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Amy Gledhill. And I'm Harriet Kemsley. We're both single and in our 30s. And we've found ourselves back on the dating scene. And the landscape has changed. Everyone has settled down. But we're back out there. And we're desperately trying to figure out what the hell we should be doing.

So we're going to speak to experts, chat about dates we've been on. If we manage to get any. And share your tips and horror stories. So we all feel less alone we might even get our exes on yeah we'll see about that this is single ladies in your area

merry christmas it's christmas we sing through the tears Christmas! Woo, woo, woo. Woo, woo, woo. Woo, woo, woo. Woo, woo, woo. We sing through the tears. What a jolly, jolly time of year. You know, it is a jolly time of year, isn't it? It is.

And then you just, I don't know about you, I'm so happy at Christmas and then now and again I'll just get punched in the gut. Yeah. I'm like, ow! Oh my God! Ow! so happy at Christmas and then now and again I'll just get punched in the gut yeah and like ow oh my god ow I don't know if that happens to you just sort of walking on the street you know you're very lucky to have you know a wonderful daughter that will make Christmas magical yeah but I understand that comes with it's you know the other side of that is like oh but wouldn't it be great to have a man as well yeah but at least you've got one at least you've got one of the things that makes Christmas magical

yeah I think having a child it really helps because you can see it through their eyes yeah and so there's less pressure on you because you're like oh I'm just this is all about them yeah that really helps that really distracts I'm very lucky this year that Mabel's going to be with me most of the time I think if you have kids and your kids are not with you on Christmas day that is a very very tricky time yeah and I have to stay friends with her father through thick and thick and thin highs and lows sickness and health sickness and bad sickness and health some health because I always want to be able to see her on Christmas and we both really want to see her but that's not possible for everybody it's just it's like logistically not possible and that is a really hard thing to manage and so it's finding a way of I I guess, romanticising your life and making the day special, even though it is not exactly how your dream Christmas would be.

Yes. Oh, a dream Christmas. What's your dream Christmas? Oh, Harriet. A dream Christmas is, oh gosh, yeah, waking up in a massive bed with just the most wonderful man. He's so fit, Harriet. I can't even explain to you how fit he is. Oh, I've got a picture. But he's soft as well and he's got a little bit of stubble and he's all warm and cosy.

And we wake up and he goes he's been and he's come all over this is just some sock or clitlet as they call it for the ladies out there

some festive clitlet get no he's woken up by our children Glit as they call it for the ladies out there. Some festive glit lit. Get. No, he's woken up by our children who run in. And it's... Oh God, Amy, this is going to make me cry. What a rollercoaster I've been on during this story. I'm on the brink. And yeah, then we go down.

We've got a big house in the country, I think. With a little garden. And there's a deer in the garden that looks like you in your antlers that you're wearing right now. I'm like, Harriet's in the garden. It's the best Christmas ever. Let her in, let her in. It's fucking cold out here, Amy. That, I think.

Oh, Amy, that's wonderful. I think I don't really let myself think about that very much. I've never done that before and I'm literally about to cry. Because I said kids. I'm not old enough. I'm too old now to have kids, I think. You're absolutely not. No, I think I'm young enough to have a kid.

But when I think of kids, I needed to have started five years ago. If you're talking seven, yeah, it's too late. Oh, right. But I think you could do one or two. You think I could pop two out? Oh, yeah. People are doing it into their mid-forties.

Are they? Yeah. Kourtney Kardashian just did it. I reckon we've got the same healthcare. Same lifestyle. Same level of GP. I can't get a fucking appointment

for a blood test. I don't think it's the same. But yes, yeah. I'll just adopt, innit? Yeah. Oh, perfect. That's, yeah. I'll just adopt, innit? Yeah. Oh, perfect. That's fine then.

I just need a nice, a really soft. He's so soft, Harriet, this guy. The way you're talking about it again, though, it is like he's a dog. It is. Oh, no. I just, I stroke him. I stroke him. And he just feels so nice under my hands.

Again, it does seem like you're looking for a dog, Amy. He's got a little wet nose. I went to puppy yoga. Are you serious? Uh-huh. Because we've been talking so much about how much I want a dog. And one of the things I was thinking is like, hey, I know I can just do nice things for myself.

And I want to hold some puppies. So I went and it was me and six couples. I've to hold some puppies yeah so I went and it Harriet it was me and six couples I've never felt more single in my entire life and I was very allergic to the dogs

that's so unfair oh Amy this is I was so allergic to the dogs Harriet and it was just all these couples taking pictures

of each other and the puppies enjoying the couples and I was sort of sat I pulled a muscle from your dog taking pictures of each other and the puppies enjoying the couples. And you were in between. I pulled a muscle from your... I pulled my hamstrings. I haven't brought my inhaler. It stank of piss in this place.

It was like, this is the worst idea I've ever had. They need to do hypoallergenic puppy yoga. Well, that's what I'd booked for, but they didn't have them puppies. So they were just like, oh, we've got these Pomeranians, which are the fluffiest dogs I've ever seen. And as soon as I walked in, I was like,

and I saw the couples and I was like, that is so grim. And they were all so in love. Like they were so in love. And they're like, this is our Christmas treat for each other. Is it? Is it? Right, well, this dog's biting treat for each other. Is it? Is it?

Right, well, this dog's biting me. What do I do about that? Has anyone got any antihistamines? Did you finish the class? Yeah. I did try and order an Uber. I was trying to order an Uber about 15 minutes before it ended, but I just didn't get an Uber.

So I was like, well, I might as well stay and get attacked by these horrible little fluffy rats. Hated them. Okay, I think maybe you don't want a dog. No, I do want a dog. I just want a very specific dog that's also a man. Yes, a dog man. Yes.

God, that story you just told is harrowing, I will say. It's really just stuck with me. The one where you're in there's the children running around you're in the house in the country you've got this lovely man no I mean it's beautiful you just you try not to think about those or I don't know I think I need to really think about what I want maybe yeah because I never really thought I wanted that and then you just said that and I was like yeah that sounds nice yeah I didn't know I wanted that until I said it I've literally got tears in my eyes anyway this episode's about

making everyone feel better about being alone at Christmas we're doing a great job Amy's crying what is this four and a half minutes in we just got to get fingered by pancake day

i've actually been having a great time so far this like christmas period oh yeah you've been to puppy yoga no i think that's why i think that's why i'm not going to puppy yoga i've been going to like quite a few like parties and stuff which has been really fun and i think like we've not been necessarily very good at like meeting people at the parties because I feel like we sit in the corner. We're kind of having a gig on everything. It's not the way of like schmoozing and like finding a mate. We're just like gossiping in the corner. We sit together and talk about how shit we are.

We sit in that sofa. Yeah, just look at everybody from the distance. I feel like that's on me because I always go, Harriet, can we sit down? Yeah, of course. I always want to go sit in that sofa. Yeah, just look at everybody from the distance. I feel like that's on me because I always go, Harriet, can we sit down? Yeah, of course. I always want to be sat down. I always want to be sat. I never want to just be stood.

And I'd always much rather be with you, you know? That's the problem. I'd always rather just be with my friends than trying to meet somebody. It just feels so gross. But I've been really pushing myself. So I went to this party on Tuesday on my own and going into anything. Because stand-ups been like so good because it's like

going places on your own you go there but you have a purpose you go there because you have to go there because you're going there to work and it's new people but you there's a reason you're there I hate going to things on my own because I always feel like I'm going to get there I'm going to be like yeah we invited you but it was like a prank like we didn't think you were actually going to come you know what I mean like that kind of vibe of like uh okay you've come that's weird and so I like went there and it was like I knew loads of people there but it was like that thing if you go in and then it's a bit like weird at times because you don't necessarily like have your buddy and then there were a couple of moments where people would be like okay I'm gonna go now and I'd be like you know when you're trying

not to look completely panicked that they're walking away? That's fine. Yeah, you should go. I'm going to go. And then they leave and then you just feel like everyone is looking at you like she stood there on her own. That's so embarrassing. But that's not actually what it is. And it was only like that for a little bit and then it was fine.

That's so good that you've done that. Yeah, this is what I'm trying to grow from this period. And I've never been good at this. Like years ago, I mean, I was married at the time, but I got invited to go to this rap party of this um tv show that I did and I wasn't allowed to clarify that is uh rap is a term at the end of filming yeah not it's not like a gangster rap party because oh sorry this was a gangster party I'm sorry thank you for clarifying that this this was a gangster party I was invited to um so i got to the gangster party so i wasn't allowed to plus one and at that point going to things on my own was like mortifying and impossible and i but i

was like i have to go but like i didn't really know anyone in the cast like i'd only been in a few scenes that weren't really with that many people and like everyone each other. So I walked in and, you know, when you like sideloop, you stand on the edge of the group and then you just pretend you're part of the group. And then it got better. But it got better because I got so drunk. I got so drunk that this man, who I have no idea who he was, he works on the show. I might have come across him since. He had to take me home in a taxi. who I have no idea who he was. He works on the show. I might have come across him since. He had to take me home in a taxi.

We had to stop multiple times on the way so I could vomit on the street. And then I got home and he literally had to carry me into the house to which my husband opened the door and this guy was like, I got her back here. And I was like, this is my family got back in

oh my god what did your husband know I think he'd been like really concerned because he'd been trying to call like the whole time and this guy was like don't worry

we're on the way and I was like it's fine I just got a bit shook in a bush like it was just it was so bad and that is just how I deal with things and then I just like I it's bad, I just got a bit sick in a bush. Like, it was just, it was so bad. And that is just how I deal with things. And then I just, like, I lay on the bathroom floor

and just vomited for hours. I'm just not good at, like, finding an in-between where you can just be cool, you know? And so that's a new goal. It's hard. It's really hard. It's so hard. It gets easier as you get older. It does get easier because now i'm like oh

like at this body i was like didn't get super drunk and like it was all like okay but it is good to put yourself out there but it's so hard when you don't know what you're gonna do i don't know where this is gonna go this could go one of two ways i've got previous on this you know i'm a'm a lunging, I'm a puking. Anything could happen tonight. And there's no ex-husband to be like, where are you? There's no one to call. I'm just vomiting in a bush with some guy.

Well, there is a lot of this at Christmas. There are a lot of parties. And I think that's one of the positives, is there are a lot of parties. Fantastic. But the negative is a lot of them are filled with couples. They're filled with couples. And there's this weird like expectation.

There's like, you can't help it. There's something in you that's like, I mean, I've seen enough films. I probably am going to meet the love of my life. And so by the end of the party, you're like, that's weird that I didn't meet the love of my life tonight because I did see the holiday. And it does seem like this time of year is the kind of year this kind of stuff kind of happens and everything needs to be kind of wrapped up in a bow by Christmas Eve.

So time is ticking. Time is ticking. I have been wearing this mistletoe headband for a couple of weeks now. I really thought I'd be proposed to on Christmas Eve. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard because Christmas is so romantic. Yeah, it's so romantic. And you just want to like kiss someone with a hot chocolate.

Oh my God, in the snow. Or by a fire in a pub. Yes, yes. But we have, like being with friends is also good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Fucking great. Being with friends but I have got better than that I do I am I do think it's good because when I was younger I'd always be like out

with friends but be like um you know like you're great and everything but I'm actually looking for somebody else whereas now it's the other way around like and I like how that has flipped it's not about it's not I want to be with my friends. That's really nice. If someone approaches, I'm like, I mean, they're not. I used to have a tradition back home where every Christmas Eve, a big group of us would go out and we'd do like a pub crawl. And yeah, it was all friends.

But I will say every year I had sex with a different friend. It was very much like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all friends. But we've got somebody has to, don't they? We've got, somebody's got to. Surely we've got to, at least. That's so fun. And that is what Christmas is all about. I really think it is.

I really believe it is. I really believe it is. Yeah. That's all. Just some snogging, some Christmas snogging. There was a boy. Yes, there was a boy who now and again, we would be more than friends, but always just friends.

Friends with benefits. Oh my God, I never thought I'd done that. I have done it. I had a friend with a benefit. I've had many friends on benefits, but this was a friend with a benefit. I've had many friends on benefits, but this was a friend with a benefit. And I saw him recently, and there's always like a...

A fleece on. Oh, my God. He's got it with everyone because he's just that kind of guy. But like, ho, ho! It's so fun. I feel like talking to him, we're always like seconds away from kissing,

and it's just so thrilling to chat to him. And I saw the other night and I was like do you know what I think I think we'll probably just snog and it was going so well and then he was just like so tell me about your life like what's going on like stood an inch away from my nose and I was like I don't know not much what's going on with you and he's just like yeah I got into a relationship last week and I was just like that's good that's great last week and I was just like ahhh that's good that's great good for you that's great

it should be illegal that you stand so close when you're in a relationship though just so you know could you turn your sexual chemistry off please just so I know yes lock it up please

actually that's rude it's really rude couldn't you have just waited a week I don't want to go out with him yes I just want to kiss him I don't want to go out

with any of these idiots I just want to have a kiss by a fire why is with him. I just want to kiss him. I don't want to go out with any of these idiots. I just want to have a kiss by a fire. Why is that so hard? I just want a kiss by a fire. But I think like from the Felicity episode, like I was really listening to it the other day and it's like, she's just doing that. Like that is available on the apps.

We just have to go. Yes, I know. It's all there, I think. I've been trying since the Felicity app to be like, I don't need to want to, like she said like I don't need to want to like she said I don't need to want to go on holiday with them but I find it so hard to want to kiss them if I don't want to go on holiday with them I know and I do want to go on holiday I'd love to go on holiday with them yes it is it's hard actually well we're gonna have a friendmas aren't we a few of us yes

I think that's after Christmas but it's's in the diary, a friend-mas. But I just need you to know, with all the love and respect in the world, if someone approaches, I will push you out of the way. If they're soft and look a bit like a dog. Oh, feel free. You can push. I'll go down easy.

Don't worry about it, Amy. If we clip that up, you're going to get a lot of people if you say, I'll go down easy don't worry about it Amy if we clip that up you're going to get a lot of people if you say I'll go down easy you're going to get a lot of DMs actually

thank goodness let's do it let's try it let's give it a whirl please Harriet I've put a dog with tits on my profile

we asked for some tips yes from listeners to what to do Harriet, I've put a dog with tits on my profile. We asked for some tips from listeners to what to do to survive Christmas as a single person. Yes. A lot of the responses, pretty sad. We had one that said wine, one that said gin. So many. Very alcohol related. That would just basically just get pissed.

Yeah. And I get it. I do get it i do get it but there's got to be there's got to be a better way where you have more self-respect there's got to be i like this one where it says um boundaries galore timeouts galore saying no galore consider yourself a family unit equal to other family units in your family helps others consider you. Gosh, that's great. That's really good because I think it can feel like they're the real teams and then you're just kind of going along with what they want. Yeah, it's true, isn't it?

Because you do feel like basically at Christmas, the hierarchy is whoever's got the biggest family unit is the winner. And you have to do what they say. And I'm a single unit unit I am bottom of the pile but it shouldn't be like that yeah but I mean I get I get why it's not like that but I just mean like so for Christmas I'll go back to my parents house and I'm the last of the siblings who's a single unit and they all do their own thing on Christmas day so on Christmas days and it's really nice and I we always have such a nice time. But it is me and my mum and dad.

And I'm an adult now. So it does feel kind of like, ha! Okay. What games do we want to play, mum and dad? You know what I mean? And it's like, it's genuinely such a nice day. But it would be different if there were like children there or just other people there because we've got a big family we used to have such big christmases

and now everyone's like well we've got three kids well we've got two kids well we're going to see my fiance's parents and you're like yeah yeah cool cool cool cool cool i'm just gonna go back to mum and dads and that does feel like tricky but even though this is a sign of the dying relationship last year's the first year i went back to my mum and dad's on my own even though i was in a relationship and he didn't come with me and i didn't go with him even though i did ask quite a lot he was like no no no and i was like well should i pop in like no no it's like well I'm driving past the house no no no it's like oh okay yeah so it's not the it's not the first year I've been to my mum and dad's just us but um I think it's the first year I've had like nout going on yeah yeah this is my first Christmas without Bob last Christmas we did it in London and my parents came up and

my brother and his wife were in London then and um so it was like it was really nice I think it was a good like in between kind of thing and this year I'm gonna stay up in the morning and he's gonna come over so we can do like father Christmas stuff and then me and Mabel are gonna go down to Kent which I think is is a good kind of line in the sand of that's lovely we shouldn't be spending Christmases together really yeah but then my mum isn't going to cook which I think is great she shouldn't have to she's trying to find somewhere to book and then the only place available was um this place called the Korean cowgirl and so that's where we're spending Christmas lunch um but I think it'll be cute and it is really good

having Mayboys like a it is a really good distraction definitely from it and also Christmas is for children that's it

that's it it kind of comes back alive again when you have kids and it's because otherwise you've done it so many times

yeah it's hard not to be a bit like stuck in a rut with it yeah one year we went to Costa Rica and we flew back

on Christmas Day. And so it was so amazing. I mean, if you're in a relationship, it's so easy to have somebody there. So no wonder, but like, just shaking it up a bit. Sometimes it's not a bad idea. Like, oh my God, that's such a good idea. I'd love to, and I bet it's cheap. It was really cheap because we flew back on Christmas Day.

Oh my God. We stayed in a hotel on Christmas night and it just felt so grown up. Like I just felt like such a grown up. Maybe I'll do that. Yeah, I do. I do really recommend it. Maybe I could just fly somewhere. I really recommend it.

It's great. And then you could fly back on Christmas and then go up there on Christmas. And take my elderly parents some COVID, I suppose. Yeah, bring them back. Some international COVID. Yeah, and a Toblerone. And a little Toblerone.

Come on. Pretty thoughtful. Thank you. But yeah, someone recommends that here, like holidays abroad where it's sunny. But I guess when you're single, you're like, oh, do I want to be far away, like on my own? Like it's hard to predict.

Like, am I going to love this or am I going to be like, fuck, it's Christmas and I've put myself in the middle of nowhere with no one I love or that loves me. Like, that's the risk. Yeah. I guess you don't know what your headspace is going to be. Yeah. It might be like, oh, I have smashed this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or, yeah, it might feel really sad. But I think that's Christmas in a nutshell. It's only Christmas that feels like this. As soon as it goes to January, I don't feel this romance, anything like that. And then before you know it, it's summer. Nobody wants to be

in a relationship in summer. It's too hot. We've got to get over Valentine's Day in between. Let's just keep over that bit. And then it's summer and summer's the best time to be single.

It is. This is one of the things a few people are saying in the comments is that this is a festive time and even men are like, oh my God, I've got to find somebody

for this period. It's called cuffing season. Cuffing season, yeah. I hadn't heard about this. Yeah. So cuffing season is what? Where you find a partner to sort of snuggle down within the wintertime. It's in the cold, hard winter that you need somebody to keep you warm.

And then as soon as it gets light outside and bright, they're like, see ya, baby. I'm getting out there with all the hot babes. I mean, I get it. Paton's expensive. Yeah, it works both ways. It works both ways. You've got somebody that's like, you know,

it's not the one, but there's somebody that you can watch TV with. Under a blanket, watching a box set. Yeah. You don't want to do that in summer. Yeah. Also, I don't want someone in my bed in summer. I'm too hot.

I'm already too hot. Get out. Get out. I'm talking hot. I'm already too hot. Get out. Get out. I'm talking to a dog again, aren't I? Down, boy. Down. Get off the bed. So some of the tips.

Create new traditions. Yeah, I think that's it. It's like even if it's something like me and a friend are going to um a carol concert on Christmas Eve with our babies and then we're gonna go for um a drink afterwards like something like that just feels so lovely and my instinct is always just to sit um I think we know this that's my instinct but actually like this is so like I'm like so looking forward to it and like to go out and to do something like that and like it doesn't have to be with a partner and a few years ago I took me I mean I was married at the time but my partner

didn't want to come but I just took Mabel on my own to this carol concert and there were like people there on their own and it was just really lovely like it was just really special I mean yeah she didn't sit still and it was actually um incredibly stressful um but it was nice ambiance while it was happening you know um Sometimes her cries would harmonise. When it did, oh, electric. See, I took her to the Natural History Museum on Wednesday and his Father Christmas was there and it was so lovely. It felt like taking her places can feel like quite epic,

like an epic adventure. We were both like up for it and excited. Then we took her, we saw the dinosaurs and it was so cute. And we saw father christmas and like she just kept running up to me and being like it's father christmas and i was like i know like it was so good um and is he single he was a really good father christmas actually yeah it was really good but yeah and then she had like an epic meltdown and it was like okay okay it would be helpful to have somebody here right now actually I'd felt so like it's me and you against the world baby yeah and we went to go get a Christmas tree and we got it I had her and the dog and she was on a scooter and then I was like hey we're gonna get

the Christmas tree and then I was like it's like six foot but I could carry it I was like but you have to stay on your scooter the whole time are you gonna agree she's like yeah absolutely and then one minute later she was like I don't want to scoot anymore and I was like this is fucked but then I put the Christmas tree on her scooter

and we pushed the Christmas tree on her scooter home and so I felt so like capable like yeah I can do anything I always thought I'd need like a man

to carry a Christmas tree uh uh uh uh you need a three year old and a scooter and a dog and a dog was unnecessary education to let the dog

go home for sure. You really added to the logistical challenges there. I brought a dog. I did it in like six-foot heels. Six-foot heels, yeah. Another tip. Remember, social media

is just the best bit. Yes. It's just the best bit. We're all guilty of it. I certainly will be posting, I'm having all guilty of it. I certainly will be posting, I'm having a lovely Christmas day. I certainly will. I could take the picture already.

I could have it. I could schedule it. I know I'm going to post it, no matter how I'm feeling. The honest thing is, with social media, I'd be very happy to put how I'm actually feeling. I don't know if you've noticed,

I'm an oversharer. I'd be very happy to just put how I'm feeling at all times. But I feel like if you put anything on social media that is like, oh, it's actually really hard, isn't it? I feel like people are like, God, she wants attention. Yeah, and then you get all the comments like, oh, I hope you're okay. And then you're like, I didn't want that, actually. Like, yeah, so it's a tricky, you can't win anyway, really.

I guess you could just not post. But that doesn't feel like an option. No, that's not an option. I think it's just whatever it is, it's got to be a thirst trap. Me, mum and dad, tits out. Okay, well, I've got a challenge for you. Yeah. I want a Christmas thirst trap from you. You're the Korean cowgirl.

On a booking bronco. Eating my vegan nut free meals. I'm like, oh God. What is that? Christmas. I don't know. I don't know. My mum's made me email the restaurant.

Cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool. Yeah. I liked this tip, get yourself gifts. I think that's so lovely because so often you forget that. And like my ex, like he was very sweet. Like he really did want to make me happy, but like he wouldn't know what to get.

And so I would literally send him a link of what I wanted and then he would get it and like, and then he'd wrap it up and give it to me. We can cut out the middleman. We can cut it out. It's going to take me less time. I can just do it myself. You know what I mean? I love that.

Let's do it. Let's treat ourselves because no one else is. I love that. Yeah. Okay. I'm happy to get myself gifts. This is my order to you and everybody listening. Yeah.

Get yourself a gift. You deserve it. Oh my God. What are we going to get? everybody listening. Yeah. Get yourself a gift. You deserve it. Oh my God. What are we going to get? I don't know. Let's get something nice. Oh, is message back? It's not good.

I think Christmas makes me feel really grateful for just everything in my life. So I'm just like, oh, I'm so lucky and I'm so thrilled with 98% of my life. And like, who can say that? So I'm like like, oh, I'm so lucky and I'm so thrilled with 98% of my life. And like, who can say that? So I'm like, oh my God, I'm so thankful. And then there's just this 2% that stings like a thorn. Yes, yes, I agree.

But I think it is good to bear in mind how many people file for divorce beginning of January. Do they? Yeah, because it just heightens everything. Like when the relationship is bad, like Christmas is horrific. divorce beginning of January. Do they? Yeah because it just heightens everything like when the relationship is bad like Christmas is horrific you're like trapped with somebody and something that's meant to be perfect and you can see that it's not perfect and so at least we're not keeping up any kind of facade. That is such a good point. We've not got to put up with anyone's moods we've not got to deal with anyone else's shit like

all we have to do is look after ourselves. And I mean, we are exhausting, but it's still... Harriet, that is an absolutely brilliant poem. It's so easy to see, but like the percentage of people that are having this like perfect Christmas where everything is great is quite small. And the reality is a lot of people are like struggling and they're suddenly like, it's like COVID, that you're like forced with somebody.

But in this sense, it's meant to be great. And if it's like covid that you're like forced with somebody but in this sense it's meant to be great and if it's not great you see all the cracks and it's worse and so that's so true the loneliest i've ever felt is in a relationship at christmas yeah when it's not going well yeah because then you're like well it should be going well because we're with each other why do i feel so sad where at at least being single, you're like, well, at least I know why I feel sad. Yay! Hooray! But yeah, I think, oh my God.

And it's because when you see films, it's like, oh, this person's sad at Christmas. Boo hoo. But they, or they're in a relationship and it's bad or boo hoo. But they've just met a lovely man with a puppy in a forest, you know? And so that's the happy ending. The happy ending isn't oh I got out of this and now I can be on my own I can sort my life and I can pick and choose my life you know and this isn't going to be the only Christmas I'm going to be on my own like there

will be a Christmas when I'm with somebody like soon at some point it's going to come let's write this Christmas film my actual dream is to write a Christmas film okay let's write this Christmas film Elf is like one of my favorite films of all time like and i think it's because i am elf um but i love it so much oh my god you're so adorable i can't bear it it's so cute i was telling someone how much i loved elf and then i was like yeah it's really weird and i was like i moved to new york when i was 19 and that bit when he's like arriving in new york it's like if they had footage of me walking around the streets of New York when I was 19, I was like, wait a second. That's why I relate so much to him.

Shut up. I didn't know this about you. You moved to New York. Yeah, yeah. I went there for a year and it was like, it was amazing. I mean, it was absolute chaos. But it was, as you can imagine, I got arrested. It was just like, it was just, yeah, it was amazing. I mean, it was absolute chaos. But it was, as you can imagine, I got arrested. It was just like, it was just, yeah, it was chaos.

What? But it happened. I used to do stand-up about it. I am basically, surprise, surprise, I got drunk. And I could never work out how the subway things work. And so I went to step over one of the subway things because I had these like really high heels on. And I went to step over it. I couldn't buy a ticket these like really high heels on and I went to step over it.

I couldn't buy a ticket. I couldn't get to work. So I just stepped over it. And then the NYPD were on the other side and they were like, did you just step over it without paying? And I was like, yeah, I'm sorry. I could never get it to work.

I'll give you the money. And they're like, that's not how it works. And they're like, have you been drinking? And I was like, well, yeah, I've had a few, but I mean, it's nothing crazy. And they're like, how old are you? And I was like, I was 19 at the time but I had a Hawaiian driving license for a woman called Colleen Pollard's neck in my back it was like 27. Oh my god. And and it was confusing luckily it was so unconvincing that i thought that

i looked like her as an id they just assumed it wasn't mine um because it was so unlike me but then they were like okay you're under arrest and it was crazy like put your hands behind your back and i started laughing because i was like guys this is so silly like this is which is completely like my white privilege at the time like you're just like oh guys this is so silly like this is which is completely like my white privilege at the time like you're just like oh guys this is so silly and then all my friends just like watched me as I got handcuffed and let out the station and then they put me in this car and again like I was just drunk and I was like this is so silly I was like guys Tony Blair lets me drink you don't understand I'm like in England I've been doing it for years you don't get it like it's fine and they put me in this cell and they were like so mad and they kept like coming and like like taunting me I guess because they like so

cross that I wasn't taking it seriously and then um my friend she like got in touch with them and they were like if you don't get her ID her actual ID to the um jail then we're going to transfer her to Brooklyn women's prison in the next hour and I I didn't know any of this. So I just fell asleep, which again, annoyed them even more. Luckily, thank God for Melissa. She, she faxed it through and I,

yeah, they let me go. But like in the middle of like nowhere, and I was just like the first thing in the morning, like in this outfit. Harriet. Yeah. That's crazy.

Oh my gosh yeah I love that you're like I'm just like Elf you know like how Elf has like a fake Hawaiian passport that's

yeah wow wow but yeah let's write a Christmas movie I'd love to write a Christmas movie where the positive

is that they end up out of a crap relationship and they end up just happy yeah and they're just happy and they're just like, that is it. Like there is something, we need to appreciate the calm and the chillness and like. Oh my God.

Literally, I can feel the chemistry in my brain changing from you making that amazing point of like, you don't have to put people's moods or arguments or being on eggshells or like, oh my God, this is fantastic news. We're so lucky to be not in that place of that. Like we're so lucky to be free. And so it's so hard because the messaging is just getting in from every single thing that we're meant to be with the perfect person and we've made a mistake, but actually we're free. Everyone else is fucked.

We're the winners. we didn't get tricked by any of you idiots take that yeah that's fantastic that's genuinely made me feel so much better yes at any moment you might feel lonely just light a candle and just thank god for the peace dear lord thank you for this festive time dear lord I do not have to deal with a man's feelings. I have to deal with mood swings today. Oh, that's so good. So yeah, I think shaking it up, trying to do something different

and just appreciating the peace and knowing it's not forever. Yeah, that's really put a positive spin on it. If you're feeling lonely, just think, well, at least I'm not dealing with mood swings. Yeah. I think that's genuinely going to make my entire christmas so much better when i'm sat surrounded by gifts that i've bought for myself oh a little box of chocolates for me you shouldn't have oh and another box of

chocolates for me and some more and some more some more. Let's not get too drunk. I agree. You don't want to tip over into the sadness. And this is it. And this is what I'm learning. I mean, I've told quite a few stories about me being very drunk. But as I've grown older, I've got better at it. And it definitely leads to happier times.

Yeah. Being able to control it. Yeah. Okay. Well, right. Thirst traps. Gifts. I forgot about thirst traps. Yeah. about those traps yeah thirst traps yeah thirst traps

gifts friends peace away from men peace away from men peace on earth maybe that's what the songs are about they're actually the the key is being single peace on earth we have peace on earth we have peace just embrace it we're living peace on earth just individual have peace on earth. If we can just embrace it, we're living peace on earth. Just individual peace. I know the world's fucked, but for us individually in our single family units, we have peace on earth. Goodwill to all men, women and others.

Good night. To all a good night. Hello, me again, Amy Gledhill, but this time I'm with... Not Harriet Kemsley. Whoa, WT, fuck! What's going on? I'm with bloody Ian Smith. Off at Northern News podcast.

Yes, a podcast that's not about the news. Don't worry, single ladies. No, it's not about the news. That's not about the news. Don't worry, single ladies. No, it's not about the news. It's not about being single. No. It's about the North, and all of our stories are about couples. That is not the truth, Ian.

No, not technically true. It's weird stuff. It's funny stuff that's going on up North that we're reporting back on. Things like... Pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire village and attacking children. Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bath mat.

And we've got special guests. We're talking about people like Phil Wang, Jessica Knappett, Ed Gamble and Ross Noble, who joined us in the studio. Woo-hoo! Yeah. So that's Northern News, starting next Thursday, the 1st of May, and then every Thursday after that. Join us.