Single Ladies In Your Area - Bonus Festival Hook Ups Tent Sex And Literal Clowns With Alana Jackson Live At Latitude Festival

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

As a festive gift to you, this week enjoy a cheeky bonus episode recorded live from Latitude Festival 2025, with special guest - comedian Alana Jackson.Follow Alana on Instagram @alanajacksoncomedyHarriet is going on tour with her brand new show 'Floozy' in autumn 2026. For tickets and information head to plosive.co.uk.Enjoy extra content on Patreon at patreon.com/SingleLadiesInYourAreaAnd do check out one of our favourite dating apps - Feeld.We want to hear your dating stories! Email in at [e-mail] Single Ladies In Your Area on Instagram @singleladiespodRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Artwork by Welcome Studio. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, hello, this is Harriet Kemsley, and I'm very excited to be back on tour around the UK with my new show, Flusi. As listeners of the podcast will know, I am really trying my best to be a bit of a flusie, but it's not going particularly well. The dates are on sale now. It's going to be autumn 2026. For tickets and information, head to plosive.com.com. Surprise. We're back. Already.

You thought we'd gone. We added. Surprise. Surprise. Capao! Whoa! We've come back in, we slipped right back in, we missed you immediately.

Yeah, we just, we can't stay away. We love you. What are you up to? We miss you. We're codependent with our listeners. Oh no. We're giving you a little bonus episode before Christmas time. We went to the Latitude Festival.

Did we not? We did. We did. We did. And we did a live recording with a brilliant comedian called Alana Jackson. And we thought, let the people hear it.

Yeah, I like doing our live shows. They're very fun. This one was different because it was in a tent. And it was raining. And there was lots of old people. We can't say that, but there was old people who, it was sort of like a literature. If you've not been to latitude,

it's very like literature and poetry best. And we were on... We're not poets. I don't know if you guys noticed. Yeah. Sometimes I know it can sound like, poetry. Yeah.

Well, I was thinking maybe we are poets. Yes. And then I got on that stage and a slutty poet. And got on the stage and was like, oh, we're not. We followed, just to give you an idea of the audience, we followed the Paul Merton, Paul Merton improv chums. And they loved that. Yes.

Oh, they loved that. Why they had come. They'd come for that. And then it was raining. So they're like, we'll stay in the tent. Yeah. What's next? What are these old slops?

Young, young sluts actually Compared to them. We came on and were like, why are these toddlers talking about blow jobs? This is horrific. We looked so young compared to them. Yes, but their audience were actually, they were great and they were actually very open-minded.

I think we were a bit judgmental maybe. And actually fantastic. Some of the things they were coming out with, I was like, you guys calm down actually. Yeah, I know. Yeah, you're so right. Yes. So it took a minute, took a hot minute,

for all of us to be on the same page. But then we were and then we had a lovely time. Yeah. We had a nice trip. We stayed in a hotel the night before. We did. We had crisps. We did.

Yeah, because so we'd booked to stay in this hotel together. But actually we were sort of never there at the same time. Yeah, I had to do a show the night before. Yeah. We had crisps at like 11. Yeah. We met in the bar. We had some crisps.

Yeah. And then we went to bed. And then I'd been in the night. the spa before the crisps. Yeah. And then you got up early and one in the spa. Yeah. And then I was going to leave like 15 minutes to get there before my stage time.

And you said, Harriet, that it's an hour away. Yes. It's an hour away. And once you get to the festival site, it takes an hour to get your wristband and to get where you to be. So I was like, please give it at least two hours. And you were like, oh, right, yeah. You'd have left. Yeah.

I thought, just down the road. Just pop in. Just pop in dirt latitude for. Festival. So yeah, thank goodness I saw you. And then we did, we did our stand, our old stand-up sets. We did our stand-up sets on the big stage. On the big stage.

I've never done the big stage. It felt like daunting. But like it was actually really fun. I had so much fun. But yeah, it felt like I used to doing the little baby stage. Yeah, the little baby stage. But we did the big boy stage. Yeah.

It was, I had done the big boy stage before. But I will say the first time I did it was so bad. Not necessarily me, I mean a bit me, but just the setup was kind of, I don't know, basically I was about to go on and I saw a friend of the pod who had just been on and she looked me in the eyes and she said, it's hell. Oh God. And I was like, what? And I was like, what, what? Because I was already nervous and she was just like shaking her head just like. that is hell.

And she opened a bottle of champagne and just started drinking from it. And I was like, oh my God. And basically what happened was so comparing that tent is, must be one of the hardest jobs in comedy because it's like thousands of people outdoors, there's music going on, people coming in and out,

you're trying to get people's attention. It's a bit like you are hosting a comedy gig but you're also like a sheep dog. Yeah. You're trying to get them in, you're trying to get them out Everybody through, no, not that way, run round. Your babe pig in the city. There's no way around it.

And the compare that they'd got for this slot, really, really good standard, but hadn't ever compared before. Right, yeah. And there was a point where they were not even on the stage, they were just in the audience. Which makes it really fun for the audience. So the audience are like, no, but not doing jokes or anything.

I think doing just watching. Doing selfies. Yeah. Okay. Genuinely, just and so this, our friend came off and was like, it's hell. Because they'd have to go on and basically like compare and do all the bit of like, can everybody sit down and look this way? Please, please, can you?

So that was my first time. So going back, I was a little bit like, okay. I'm a bit to hell. I'm a bit nervous about this. I had a nice time. She crushed it. That's what I heard. Oh, that's kind.

I heard you crushed it. Well, yeah, it's like it was, thank goodness. Thank goodness. Thank goodness. Did we pull there? No. We crushed in front of thousands of people and not one of them. Do I talk about being single?

Yes. Not one of them approached. Actually, it's probably dangerous to say approach, you know, for the film performers. But now and again, you just want one, even just to turn them down. You just want a little boost of the self-esteem. Do you want to me?

Yeah, to be fair, we had a busy, we had like a busy festival. We did that, and then we did single ladies, then we did another live podcast with the, with the Pappy's Boys. We did the Pappies one. Oh, do listen to that. Why do people keep making me sing? I don't understand what is happening. I'm just sat there and they're like, okay, if you can just go and I'm like,

what kind of hell is this? I don't understand how this is happening again. Yeah, they're like, oh, it's a really fun podcast, no prep. Then we're having to wrap. off the top of our heads. Absolutely insane. Oh, it was quite. But I did enjoy it.

It was really fun. And you can watch it on YouTube and it's actually, because I've seen that they've put clips up. Yeah. It's actually really fun. Yeah, they're very, very funny boys. And you can watch Harriet sing.

Do, do, do, do. I can't remember why it was that book for a long time. The problem is I get stuck on it. Yeah, I get stuck in a loop and then I just panic and my brain jets down and they just keep making the same noise over and over again. It's like a genuine problem. It's like some kind of public breakdown, but no assistance ever comes.

No, everyone just claps and laughs. More, more, more. No, do, do, do, do. I'm having a breakdown. Do, do, do, do, do. Somebody help me. Somebody help. Everybody just watches.

Awful, really, when you think about it. Maybe we discussed this on the pod, so we shouldn't spend too long on it. But did you, would you hook about a festival? Have you hooked up at a festival? I have never hooked up at a festival. I have never hooked up with somebody new at a festival. Yeah, that's fair.

I've never, like, come across somebody. Yeah. And hooked up. Well, next summer. Next summer might be the summer. I was going to say we should do a summer of festivals. And then I thought about it and I thought, I'd fucking hate that. I actually did that this year.

Fuck. Yeah, I did latitude, Glastonbury, end of the road. You thrived. The key I've realised is drugs. Drugs, yeah. That is the key. Yeah. Because that's my advice for next year.

Okay. I just need to be doing. Now I've discovered drugs again. It's wonderful. It's so nice. It's so great. Yeah. That's what you need actually.

And you're doing the sort of the nicer drugs. You're doing your mushroom drops. Yeah. You're not doing necessarily you crack, your speech, you're ecstasy. Yeah. So just when we're talking about drugs, you know, if people are listening going, what, do I have to do crack to have a good time at festival? I'm thinking, wow, it's on the hero.

Well, you're very cheerful all the time. You're very calm. I've got a terrible expensive habit. Maybe it's the gap. Yeah, that's what it is. Maybe the gap's kicking in. No, but I've never tried the... Heroin.

You shouldn't. I've heard you must have. Once you start, you can't stop. No, seriously. I'm going to do it at Leeds Festival. I'm going to do a bit of Heza at Leeds Festival. I've never tried mushroom, the mushroom drops. But I'm so...

curious. Well, you're quite into when we these days, that's what I've heard. Yeah, don't listen to this moment. I think you've said so much worse things. Imagine if that's the thing that makes your parents go. Fine, Amy. I'm being a little toke here and there is your line. Yeah, no, do you know what?

The things you've said on this podcast, and you're like, oh, really fair point. My mum's a big fan. A really fair point. Yeah, I, yeah. Yeah, and do you know what? I talk about it in my stand-up, which they've seen so much. Yeah, fuck it.

I love an edible. Send me to the moon. Send me to the fucking moon. I, oh my God. Harriet, can I tell you, oh, yeah, I'm going to tell you. I got so... Is it Saturday? It got so high.

Maybe it was Saturday. You were messaging me. Remember I got a message saying, No. Oh my God, you don't remember. You said, we should go to the Lion King. You remember that? He said 7pm.

Oh my God, I'm saying 2pm tomorrow, me, you and Mayble, Lion King, what do you think? I was so up for that. I really want to do that, but there is that stampede. And it can be a bit scary.

Yeah, we're worried about it. Yeah, and also I was like, let's see how she feels tomorrow. She's really up for it right now. I would just, I was like, I was so up for doing that. So I'd got a bit high on the way to a candlelight

Hans Zimmer concert, which I went to on my own. on my own, which we need to talk about. You don't know how this keeps happening. It was crazy. You go to most romantic spots. I know. Help yourself.

Well, I want to do these romantic. Romantic things are nice. Yeah. So I was like, oh, and I booked the tickets like months ago. I was like, oh, I'll find someone to go with, not even in a romantic way, but I was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I hadn't put it in my calendar. So I didn't know it's coming up.

And then on the morning got an email being like, here's your tickets for the thing. And I was like, oh, No! Fuck! It's like, shit! Right. And I, I mean, I didn't cast the net far away.

I asked my house mate. I was like, do you want to come to this? He's like, no. And I was like, okay, I'm going on my own then. But also it was like, who would even want... Like, it's such a weird thing to invite someone to. Oh, he does a lot of like film music. I thought that was it.

Yeah, that's actually lovely. It was a string quartet. It was genuinely lovely. Did it like Jurassic Park? Yeah, he's like that kind of. Yeah, that's nice. It was really, it was genuinely, really beautiful. And they end with the crowd-pleasing pirates of the Caribbean.

Oh, rousing. And I'm like, oh my God. It was fantastic. The edible had kicked in. I just imagine that you're seeing, you've accidentally booked your seat in between a couple. I did. So they're sat holding hands over the top of you.

And I'm going, Don, don, don't, don't, come on, everybody. No, I was sat between two couples. Okay, hell. I mean, everyone there was a couple. Let's be fair. But no, so I've done that and then when I got home, I think because it was, it was slightly harrowing

going to this on my own actually. Maybe it's one of the only things where I've gone, oh. It's just in a like, you just have to wait in the bar on your own beforehand and like everyone's just like holding hands on I'm, I just felt a bit like, ugh, anyway. So after that, I came home, got even more high. And I set up, I don't even really remember doing this,

but my housemate sent me, I've got seven followers. I set up, I set up an Instagram account, a different Instagram account. Because when I was really, really high, called High Dears, and the bio says, DM your high deers. ideas you have high like this. I'm high right now. And I've uploaded the same photo twice by accident. And that's all that's on it.

This is genius. Because I write so many notes on my phone when I'm high. Like, oh, this could be material. And this is what I've screenstretched and set up. It says, pig legs on Married at First Site, only mentioning it at the final commitment Cerey, I just can't get over these pig legs.

We can't live in a society where you can't mention pig legs. We must be able to still ask some questions. So I was laughing so much at the idea that one of the contestants when married at first sight just had the legs of pigs, but nobody was mentioning it. And the person they were matched with was just like losing their mind. Like, why is nobody? I get that from watching Married at first sight,

whether you're like, oh, you're not allowed to complain or say anything negative at all. You just have to be like, oh, I just fucking love pig legs. now because you said I have to because otherwise I'm not trying hard enough at loving these pig legs. I completely get that because you're just watching you're like, this is madness that you have to just

force yourself to love these things. Yeah, I know. And there's some people, and I really feel for them where they don't fancy their partner. Yes, you know, like I'm really trying. And they're trying, but they're made to look like these villains like, why don't you give it another going?

You're like, ah, you can't just fancy anybody at will. You won't kiss him. You won't kiss him because you think he's disgusting. Why are you not sleeping with that man who you have nothing in common with? You've just met and you find physically repulsive. He's got little pig legs. Why are you not sleeping with? You're evil.

Boo. You sleep with the man. And sometimes they're just like, they're really trying and you really feel for him. Yeah. I really get this. It's quite niche, I'd say. But I do. It's so...

It's so... So everyone, sign up to Hidea's. It's sped, but, oh, you know, please do actually. But it's because Hydeas was already taken, it's spelled H-E-E-E-E like I. Oh. H-E-H-E-Y-E dot D-E-A-S. And I'm only following people from who were in the,

I mean, this is all, because I was high, I'm only following people who were in the first. face off, but a lot of them don't have Instagram accounts. So I'm just following people who have the same name as people who are in face off. Anyway, I was with you, but this doesn't even, this is... Yeah, well, I'm going to start just posting, but I want, in an ideal world, I'd have people, thank you. I'd have people sending in their, you know, when you make a, just basically, when you make

a note on your phone and then you read it back the next day and you're like, well, that's absolute fucking bullshit. It doesn't even mean anything. But it's just, it's spelled hair. Hi. Diaz. It's got... Hi. Diaz. Harry, I can't... I was on the moon when I was writing this.

I was... I was with you. I was like, how the fuck you're gonna know that says high ideas? Well, you can't. But that's part of it because I was high when I did it. So I'm gonna...

I'm gonna put one up right now. Another screenshot. And the screenshot is... The screenshot in the corner of your batteries at 16. Oh no, does it say what time it was? 1231. Oh no!

Just on my sofa at midnight. But do not disturb on? Out of my mind. Do not disturb. I'm doing my high dears. Not a single like. I'm going to like them. I've got a lot of followers.

The only follower who I think might not be a bot is Chris Cantrell. You're following Danny DeVito and Judge Revolta. This came about because I wrote the note on my phone. Oh, that's really funny. A copy of face off signed by Danny DeVito, which I think is so funny because he's not even in the film. And I just laughed at that on my own for so long, and then I made this Instagram account,

which I hope you all follow now. But I'm only going to post on it when I'm high. Look forward to do an update tonight. And I'll book them lying. tickets from the morning. Okay, well, thanks so much guys. I hope you're having a lovely Christmas. We're very excited to have our Latitude

episode. Thank you, Latitude. And how do you kiss someone? Amy, you just got a lunch. Lovely, thank you so much for joining us. So we do a podcast called Single Ladies in Your Area. Has anyone heard of it? Oh, my God!

Amazing! And who doesn't know what they're here for? Yeah, welcome. Okay, great. So we are two comedians. We are in our 30s. Thank you so much. What?

We really like the whooping. Yeah, that's fun. I feel like this lady's bringing the energy for everyone. It's one whoop. One whoop. And we found ourselves single again in our 30s. And we realized we really don't know anything about. being single, what to do, who to do it with, how to kiss. We learned that. We learned we didn't know

anything. So we started a podcast. Yeah, that was one really pathetic episode. I'm trying to find that. But yeah, we just found ourselves after long-term relationships like on their apps. Is anyone here on dating apps? Give me a cheer. Oh, there's some sad cheers. Some real, some real bleak cheers. Yeah, some people that are really soon some shit. They're out there. Give me a cheer if you've never, ever been on a dating app. Smug. Smog. Smog. Healthy. Yeah, yeah. Living a life.

Meeting people in real life. Imagine. Imagine that. Now we do have another single lady who we'd like to talk to. Yeah, we've got a guest. It's not just us. We've dragged someone down with us. She's single. She's funny. She's brilliant. Please put your hands together

for Lana Jackson. How are you doing? I'm soaking wet. Yes. And not in a good. way. No, it's raining. Song, have you been single? 25 years. Thank you. Are you older than 25?

No. Okay. Sorry, it was my birthday last week. I'm 26. So you had a relationship when you were one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's gone downhill from there. That first year was intense and then we just, like, we wanted different things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. And are you looking? No, I can't be arced. It's too late. We sat down. If we get up, it's going to be

to ourselves get slacked off for the next 45 minutes. Thank you so much for joining us. I appreciate it. So are you dating? Do you do dates? That's a long pause there, Alana. What's a long pause? Listen, here and there, you know, but there's...

No, nothing serious. I'm just living my life, you know? You're busy lady. Not really, no, but I just... Are you on the apps? I'm not on the app. My friend made me a profile on one of the apps. for a laugh.

And it was a laugh. Was it? What was the worst thing you came across on the apps? No, it was my profile. Like, we just sort of, like, your own profile was the worst thing you saw on the apps.

Yeah, literally. Yeah, we just made up loads of lies and, like, saw who it attracted and it was great. It was a good night. No, what were your lies? I had, like, a PhD, and I was like...

That's the saddest lie I've ever heard. Dolphins or something. And then you're like, no, I just have. Stunted really hard for seven years and I've achieved my goals. Yeah, but that's just like far from my reality. Do you know what I mean? So it was my for me. What was your PhD in?

I can't remember. It was something scientific. Gotta be. It's got to be, isn't it? Yeah. But yeah, that was the end of the... And who did you attract?

A lot of like 50 plus. Yeah. That would maybe be the age range that you have selected. So I didn't make the profile so maybe so... Oh, is it an age range? Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's really fun is the age range?

people that are genuinely trying to date and then you're just doing it for a laugh. Yeah, that feels really good. People that are trying to find love. And you're like, oh my God, look all these losers on these apps. How embarrassing me and Amy. You're like, yeah. So you're so glad that you asked me on today. That you.

Cheers. But so I think maybe you're at a different life stage than us. Possibly. And so you're like, you're not looking for anything at all. When do you think you, like ideally would you want a relationship in the future or when with that? When would the ideal time be? I don't know. I mean, I just kind of take every day as it comes. It feels like you haven't thought about any of this stuff ever.

We've just got you on stage and we're like asking you these mad and life decisions. What is it wrong with you then? I feel like where your mother's going and when are you going to settle down and who with? And what age will you be? Do you know, my mum, she keeps going on about grandkids. She's like, oh, I can't wait. I just want, I just can't wait for wee grandbabies. And I'm like, yeah, you should have had more kids because I'm an only child.

So I'm like, she's relying on me to provide that. I just find it really interesting. I think in my 20s, like, I did find a pressure. Like, isn't that mad to think back and be in your 20s? Like, I love this, that you're 25, 26, sorry, 26 now. And you're just like, yeah, I'm just living my best life. Like, I had an anxiety at 26 about having kids and settling down. Did you not?

No, I told you before on the podcast, that my first ever boyfriend, the boy I lost my virginity to, he told me that we were going to be together forever. And his mum did as well. so I thought that was it. And I remember, I was like 16, crying at home. And my mum going, what's wrong? And me going, I have to marry Joe. And I don't really like him.

And she's like, well, you don't have to marry him. I was like, I do. He's going to go in the army. And I'm going to stay at home with the children. It's been decided. Like you're in Victorian times or something. Yeah. And then my mom was like, yeah.

And my mom was like, No, no, you don't have to. You can break up with him. And then I did, and then it was great. That's a really happy story. It's a good lesson to learn. I would say, and this is maybe, this might make some people who are in couples

and sat with them right now, it might make your bum cheeks clench. But I reckon there's a high percentage. Am I going to say this? Yep. I reckon there's a high percentage of people in relationships who are secretly thinking, I don't want to be with you anymore.

Are sure of hands God no Have you ever broken up with someone? She's never been in a relationship How could she break up with somebody? Yeah but you can Look, young people As far as I'm aware, Harriet,

have things that are called Situationships Which I believe they still need to end, right? Well yeah, but like I don't know any of you here But I'm a ghoster Never been so nasty Positive festival

And finally they've turned on somebody someone spat out there hummus they were so disgusted I'm interested enough you totally understand it so you avoid doing the difficult conversation by just shutting down shop and if you ever bumped into someone

that you've ghosted oh well I know what happened it was I was like having a family dinner in a restaurant and he walked in with his family and I thought you're having a fucking laugh and I went oh we met outside and I was like

listen let's just like because I was with my grandma and like she thinks I'm 12 which I am and it was all just like too much and then but it was fine like nothing happened but it was just I just thought what are the chances yeah feel like do you know those people on the got caught having an affair at Coldplay oh yeah yeah I bet they're that latitude they're a very latitude couple of you ask me oh my god yeah is anyone here on having an affair I know the show of having so fast have we have you ever been in love No. Looking for.

Or what are you not looking for, I guess? Anybody. Yeah. That seems to be the thing. But do you not? But you would like love? Well, I tell you what's happening now. So I'm getting to a stage where a lot of my friends are getting into relationships.

And I'm like, who's coming out tonight? And they're all having dinners. So when you've got no one to go clubbing with, then someone's found a chance. So that's the time frame that we're looking at. So I reckon I've got another few months in me of like. Oh, fucking. Yeah, well, things are settling. Everyone's settling down and I'm like, what the fuck is?

Oh, maybe an autumn kind of thing when everyone goes inside. When the nights start getting dark, then we'll have, we'll reassess the situation. And how do you kiss someone? Amy, you just got a lunge. I brought my friend with me and we were staying in the tent. We've been camping. That's the first camping experience I've ever had. And we literally this morning we were like, imagine, like, do people have sex in tents?

Because it's... Do people have sex intense? Raise your hands. Oh, wow! Yeah. It's what the condensations off the chain, isn't it? Everyone's a bit stinky. Very safe space.

Put your hand up if you've ever... Not this festival. This is not being videoed, by the way. Put your hand up if you've ever had sex in a tent. We will describe what you're wearing and what you look like. That's a tent. At latitude. At latitude, yeah.

Let's begin. Not this weekend. I haven't had sex at latitude for about 10 years. I think. That's about, maybe that's like 20%. And so maybe the real stats are 70. Yeah. I think.

Yeah, 20% are honest. Yeah, the rest of you are liars. Yeah, I did. I had sex at latitude. Wow. Yeah, that's hot. I'm going to say a sentence that I'm not proud of. I had sex at latitude with a clown.

What? Oh, Amy. I'm bringing him out. Bring him out. Amy, I'm so sorry that happened. Yes. Yes. How did that come about then?

Well, do you know what it was? Should I actually tell you? I'd love. Well, you know what they say about a big nose. It was bright red. His nose? No. Look, I'm not happy about this, but clowns are very charming.

They're very charming. I think maybe everyone doesn't know when you say clown, like you picture somebody in like a full clown. So you're like honk honk, but maybe everyone doesn't know that that's like there's some performers that are clowns just because it does seem like you just had a children's entertainment. Mine was in a costume. Yeah. Amy, I'm trying to help you. I know you are, but I've got to be honest now.

He was in a costume. I couldn't. I was camping with my friend. I didn't have phone signal. He'd gone to pitch the tent and I didn't know where he'd pitch the tent. And at the time, at 8pm, this wasn't an issue I cared about. At 1 a.m. I was thinking, I wish I knew where my tent was. I didn't know where my tent was, but what I did know is that there was a man in a clown costume at the performers bar

who had twinkly eyes and a tail to tell. And 20 minutes later, I didn't need my tent anymore. He did a few like, and I was all his. And do you know what? It was lovely. It was night one of the festival, which I do think makes a difference

because of hygiene reasons. Would I sleep with a clown on night three? No. Would I sleep with a magician on night three? I wouldn't sleep with a magician on night one. Would I sleep with a musician on night three? Yes, because they're sexy on that big stage. I'd sleep with anyone on that big stage

at any point. Hello? Is this all? You're just listing people you'd sleep with I sleep with musicians I sleep with pilots I sleep with teachers I sleep with acrobats

I sleep with doctors I wouldn't sleep with clowns, magicians Tories to know how great I actually disagree with what you're saying there though because I think it's more risky to sleep with them on night one why?

Because then if you want to avoid you've got the whole weekend to avoid them after them Oh because you're ghosting you're ghosting yeah yeah yeah yeah it's difficult to go at a festival. I understand that. Well, if he's a clown,

then he's easy to look out for. You can hear him. It's just funny, visually, a clown and a ghost. It's a funny. Choose your bow. Have you ever had sex in a tent? I was just thinking about that. I mean, yeah, for sure.

Specific some. I've lived alive. I've lived a life. I've seen some things. Yeah, actually, what I came with my home. here years ago, I mean, before we were married, so we must have... You was having sex before you were married, but not during.

Well, I don't think he came here when we... What? Yeah, yeah, I'm a bit as a slot. What could I say? But yeah, tent sex, yeah, it's just like... I think what I don't like about it is the noise. If you're ever in a tent and you hear it happening outside, the tent of somebody else, like, that's going to be a nice thing for you all to enjoy this evening.

is a... Don't you know, there's a science. I mean, you're all quite scientific, literally people, you'll understand. There's actually scientific a thing going on where... When you're in a tent and you're having sex, you can make as much noise as you want and no one can hear you.

But when you're outside of a tent, you can hear people having sex. It's bonkers. I don't know how the science works. But when it's you having it, you can't be heard. And I believe that to my core. otherwise I would be sick down myself at the thought of it.

Has anyone here pulled this festival? Give me a cheer. Oh, that's bleak. Oh, that is sad latitude. Come on, what are you doing with yourselves? You saw someone pull wearing an Allie G outfit. What the fuck are we doing wrong? Poly G outfit. That sounds right up Amy Street.

Who would say? Do you need to shout. If anyone has an Allie G outfit. outfit leave now if you don't want um wow that's exciting that so we've seen we've seen some people but no one in this tent has been able to pull no great great we're a bunch of losers in this tent that's good oh is message back it's not good have you ever pulled while you're wearing a costume i don't know if i'm i was married for so long you know it's like hard to remember what was happening um it's i've had to block everything out.

Oh yeah. It's hard to go back there. Have you? Well, yeah. So, as you know, I used to work at the York Dungeon. Oh, yes. Pretty cool. Pretty cool.

Yeah, thank you very much. You might recognize me from the plague surgery. A buble. And because everyone that works there is like a young, horny actor, and you're basically sat in the dark in winter for hours with. No customers coming round. Let me tell you, people in the dungeons be fucking. Wow.

It is, Harriet. People in the dungeons be fucking. I had sex with Dick Turpin. When I was a 17th century judge. Yeah, that's kind of naughty, you know. It's kind of a role play kind of thing. It was. Guilty, guilty.

That's what I used to do. That's hot, yeah. Guilty of witch crime. Now, come and fiddle me in the mirror maze. In the what? The mirror maze. I think he said mayonnaise. I mean, that would have been better.

Come and fiddle with me. There's just 30 tourists. Like, what the fuck? In fact, there's no one in. I guess you get to watch Dick Turpin have sex. We didn't expect this. But I guess it's historically accurate. Have a look, Timmy.

Yeah, that's quite fun. People that put like a mirror up in their bedroom to have sex, have they ever considered a mirror maze? It's repeated. I will say, just as a cautionary tale, if any of you ever have the opportunity to have sex in a mirror maze, take it, but close your eyes.

Because if you look at your own reflection, at your own face, and the face you pull, and it is reflected back at you, not once, but into eternity, you will struggle to ever have sex again without picturing what you're doing because the face, I don't know if you've ever seen your own face

whilst in the throes of passion. It's not good. Or maybe everyone's is and it's just mine that's like, I'm having a lovely time. I don't remember anything about Dick Turpin. I do remember something about the actor playing Dick Turpin. The name is kind of sexy though, I guess.

Well, apart from the Turpin, bit by him. Yes. Is that what you're looking for? Just a man who has a euphemism as a first name. I want a Willie, a dick. I actually went to school with a girl called Our first name was Iona, and her second name was Dick.

No. Iona Dick. Wow. Iona Dick. Yeah. Oh, you know, my... Her surname was Barnet, which can be, you know, a hair. And her first name, God bless her, was Fanny.

And my brothers used to... My brothers used to call her Nana Pubes. Come on, let her. Nana Pubes, don't call... Nana Pubes. She didn't know. She loved it. Anna Pubes.

We had an Alan Key at our school. Wait, why is that... Alan Key? Why is that rude? It's not rude. Do you know, an Alan Key? Oh, bless you, Harry. I was like, trying to work out what the euphemism was.

You're like, no, just didn't know, Alan Key. Yeah. It's fine, really. It's fine. Not real, yeah, no. Would you, would you, this is to both of you, would you go out with someone if their name was Paul Scrotum? I think it would be very, you're not going to go out with anyone.

You wouldn't go out with George Clooney. I think it would be very character building. Do you know what I mean? Like you've really had to develop a sense of humour if your name is Paul Scrotum. But I wouldn't take his name. No. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be Mrs. Scrooom.

That's a hard life. It's a hard life. Roses are red, violets are blue. We've matched on a nap. What you up to? We've got ten minutes left. We've got ten minutes left. Is there anyone in the crowd who has a dating story,

a horror story or a positive story that they'd like to share? Oh, you're pointing at this lady? Ask me anything. What's your name? Gillian. That was a tame first question. Yeah. I think we could go deeper with Gillian.

You can be just leading me in, aren't you? What was that? Sorry, I've just got to interject. The comedy gold of the friend here. You said, I think we can go... Oh, a bit deeper. I think we can go a bit deep with Gillian. And her friend said...

I didn't, but I might have said, most people do... Jillian! So I guess the question is, Jillian, how deep do you go? Jillian, how deep do you go? have you been single for? Six years.

Six years. No. Did someone, oh, Jillian is having the... Jillian's finding it. The dating apps are a flipping nightmare. Flipping nightmare. The dating apps are a flipping nightmare. What's been your worst experience, would you say?

Oh, I went out with one guy three times. And then he sent me a note, there is no hope of a romantic relationship. Oh, my God. If you didn't cut out of the back. Settle. Jillian went out with a guy three times and then he sent her a note.

A nut? Yeah, the note is confusing. Like a post-it note that he stopped on your back. What's up then? A WhatsApp, okay. A WhatsApp saying there is no hope of a romantic relationship. Gillian, can I ask,

had you gone deep with him? No. No. No. Oh, well, that's good. No, that was maybe the mistake. That was the mistake. And what are you looking for, Gillian?

What are you looking for? We can maybe find it in the tent. No, I'm very fussy. You're very, well, give it for you. That's what we were. What are you fussy about? What do you, what are you looking for? What do you need?

I haven't got time to listen to my list. Do you have a celebrity who you could, who you could point us in the direction of? George Clooney. All right, okay, fine, yeah, so is George Clooney in? It might be at the back. George, you're here. Lovely to meet you, Gillian.

We wish you all the best. Yeah, good for Gillian, getting out there. Hello, you come in late, so I feel it's all right to pick on you. Hi, thanks for coming. Hey, okay. What's your name? Nick. Everyone say hello, Nick.

Hello, Nick. Are we able to get a microphone to Nick? I've actually got a good dating story. Let's have it, Nick. So, I separate from my ex-wife at the beginning of lockdown. went on the dating apps, had a few flings, a bit of an adventure,

met this one particular person called Bonnie. Blue? No, no, not her. I joined a cue. Anyway, we met, but she was also getting divorced. I was getting divorced.

Nothing happened. We both had sort of other flings with other people for a few years. And then I'm writing a book, a novel about dating apps, strangely. And basically, one of the characters in it is a...

advertising copyright was what she used to do. So I called her back to say, can we just meet up? I need to check that this character is authentic. It's a long stretch to go to write a whole book in order to see someone again. Yeah. I didn't do it on purpose.

It was sort of subconscious, but anyway. Yeah, weirdly subconscious. First time nothing happened, but then we met up again about six months ago. I was actually seeing someone else at the time, which was really bad. It was a sort of five-day crossover, I'll be honest. But so meeting Bonnie the second time, everything was different.

We've been together ever since and it's fucking amazing. And what is the book called? So people could... It's called Dog days. Dog days. Because that's what dating feels like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So all we're doing wrong, Harriet, is we're not writing a book about dating apps

and interviewing people about it. Yes. See, Gillian needs to write a book about a character called George Clooney. Yes. That's what we need to do. Thank you so much, Nick. I feel a little bit like we've started a cult. Yeah.

I'm enjoying this. It's a bit like everyone's sharing their stories and it's a bit a little bit culty. We're like, follow us, everybody. Hello, what's your name? Rachel. Hello, Rachel. I went on a date with a man

horrible. First mistake. Not wearing his own teeth. Who was not wearing his own teeth? He was wearing someone else's teeth. Somebody else's false teeth. You find out they weren't his? You could tell.

His dating profile pictures, there was no pictures of him smiling with an open mouth. Oh my gosh. Where do you think he got those teeth from? I have no idea. He was a master of the hunt. So, you know, quite a...

Wow. You think it was like a fox's teeth? Well, possibly horses, I'm not sure. They definitely didn't fit. Honestly. And then, after like 20 minutes, I said, oh, we'd go, a coffee and then we go for a walk.

And he was like, well, let's go for a walk. And I'm like, yeah, I've forgotten. I got to go now. I've got to go and pick the kids up from school. Oh, we got out of there. Yeah, but he messaged me after saying, do you want to meet up? You know, if you don't want a relationship, that's fine. But we could just shag.

What a good guy. Whoa. And so where did you go on your second date? He did approach me again on another dating app then. No. Oh my God. And are you single now, Rachel? Yeah, I am. Yes. And have you been on a more successful date since that?

I can repeat you in public. Oh, somebody's waving. Please, could we get a microphone to this lovely lady. Hello. Hello. It's not about me. It's about something that happened to a friend. Sure. Go on. Let's hear about your friend.

And it is a cautionary tale for the men about things. that you collect that could put women off. Okay. Okay. What was your name, firstly? Wendy. I won't tell you my friend's name. No.

Well, let's call her Wendy. She met a guy on a dating app. Yeah. She got to know him. He was quite a nice chap, really. And it was all going well, but he had a slightly tendency to be a bit mean. I think he was supposed to be bringing some food over to make a meal

and he'd been to the co-op and got reduced stakes, you know, reduced... Oh, dump them. Which he should have ripped off before he brought them. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't, but never. Anyway, the other thing he did, she went, eventually met his parents,

he lived with his parents in a bungalow. Oh, some murmurs and ooze down the front here. Absolutely furious. Was it parents or bungalows? Yeah, I'm not sure if it was parents or bungalow. Go on. I mean, he was a nice chap, went and stayed. I think the parents

were away. Yeah. And she started snooping around a bit. Oh. And she knew he liked a bargain. Yeah. He was in and out of B&M stores and all that sort of thing. And he spotted. They had a load of Lloyd Grossman

sources you know, of cheap. Well, he went, she looked in, under the bed and there was a case full of them. So she thought that was bad. Under the bed? Yeah. So she thought, well, that I'll let him get away with that. He's found a bargain.

He's going to do loads of... So she thought it's all right. Then she wandered around the bathroom and wanted to see what he had in his bathroom cabinet. When she opened it, there were all these jars in the bathroom, the cabinet. Imagine seeing Lloyd Grossman's face. Just every cupboard you open. There he is again.

Oh, my God. The relationship, I think, Dwynt... Do you think the bed, it was some kind of sexy play with the sources? I know. He just loved a bargain and he's... stored them everywhere and God knows. So it's just a warning to any men that don't do. It's the most specific warning.

Thank you, Wendy. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, Wendy. Yeah. That's bonkers. That is bonkers. Lloyd, it's so specific. I don't know if it was, if you loved a bargain

or if you just love Lloyd Grossman. Yeah. Are they still making those sources? You don't know who Lloyd Grossman is? Wow. Somebody didn't need sauce, but... You did, yeah, it made sauce, but you looked through the kids.

keyhole, didn't he? Yeah. He just makes him sound like a real perver. I'm making me sarsis. Looking through keyholes. Oh my gosh.

That would freak me out. Thank you. That, Wendy, that is, yeah, I wouldn't like that at all. Very unnerving. I once was seeing a guy and he was an artist so I let him get away with this, but I was young,

I was in my 20s, now I would freak out. I went around to his living room and he had loads of very cool sort of jar. of things and I said oh what's in that one and it was a big jar like what you'd keep pastoring and it was half full and it was belly button fluff Amy you have to raise your standards that is so upsetting I was like oh good for you have a hobby do you think he's

like recycling it for something I don't know what it was but it was it was his I presume it was I didn't ask any follow-up questions. I just went, I was 20, so I was like, oh, lovely. Absolutely not. Thank you so much, everybody. We really appreciate it. Thank you to Alana Jackson. I'm Lucy Beaumont.

And I'm Sam Campbell, as a matter of fact. Perfect Brains is one of the most enchanting podcasts. The effect it has on people is astounding. That is what we've heard, isn't it? Yeah. This changes people's lives. If you had to sum it up, how would you sum it up? an in-depth look at sumo wrestling and the scandals, because it used to be considered so

honourable, like sumos, and they all live together, Sumos. No two podcasts are the same. Do you remember that one where I just message loads of Derricks? I don't think people know that. I emailed 100 Derricks. I don't think it was Derricks. I thought it was Brian. Sorry, Brian. Yeah, Lucy emailed every Brian on Facebook. Our podcast is out every Friday. It's really easy to remember. It's like, if you've got an office job, it's the first day you feel a lot.

live again. Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains. One of the hottest podcasts. People are going crazy for this podcast. Yeah, please give it a listen. We're loaded up on buzz balls. We've got a luboo in both hands and we are ready to screech.