Single Ladies In Your Area - Bonus Listener Letter How Do I Avoid Inadvertently Coming Across As Creepy Or Weird

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Single Ladies are on a break and we’ll be back very soon. To tide you over until then, this week you can enjoy a full Patreon episode - for free!We have a brilliant letter from a listener - it’s a man(!) who asks for advice on how to approach someone without inadvertently coming across as creepy. Excellent question. We want to hear your dating stories! Email in at [e-mail] Single Ladies In Your Area on Instagram @singleladiespodRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photos by Matt Crockett and Linda Blacker.Design by Welcome Studio. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, hello, this is Harriet Kemsley, and I'm very excited to be back on tour around the UK with my new show, Flusi. As listeners of the podcast will know, I am really trying my best to be a bit of a flusie, but it's not going particularly well. The dates are on sale now. It's going to be autumn 2026. For tickets and information, head to plosive.com.com. Hello, I'm Amy Gledhill. And I'm Harriet Kemsley. We're both single and in our 30s. And we've found us. back on the dating scene. And the landscape has changed. Everyone has settled down.

But we're back out there. We're desperately trying to figure out what the hell we should be doing. So we're going to speak to experts. Chat about dates we've been on. If we managed to get any. And share your tips and horror stories. So we all feel less alone. We might even get our exes on.

Yeah, we'll see about that. This is Single Ladies in Your Area. Hello, it's nice to hear your lovely voice. I know, we're in a series break. and I miss you. Oh, I miss you. These enforced breaks that they're making us great

because we've just been having too much fun. Well, we'll be back soon for our next series. Yes, we're still single. Yes, it's still going. Can't stop us. But we wanted to give you a little treat

in the meantime. And what we're going to do is share with you one of our favorite patrons. Yes, these episodes on Patreon are not really. really meant for general consumption. This is one that we have vetted very carefully.

Yes. Maybe we've removed some secrets. And that's your doggy. I can hear your doggy. I'm so jealous that you have a dog. You know this. Yeah, he's a good boy, but he's loud. You said he's just had a haircut?

He's so embarrassed about it. Like, I feel bad. It's like he's just a real pinhead. And it's like he knows. You know, he knows. His hair goes long. It covers it. But, yeah, it's just sad.

We've all got hang-ups. We're just saying about our favorite patron episodes. We're just putting some on the main feed. So patrons will have heard them, but you will have heard them much in advance. But we're just dropping some out there just to keep you guys going. I think the term is breadcrumming. And I think we're being toxic. But we want your love and affection so much.

We are the problem. We're the problem. We always need this. problem we're just checking back in. Yeah, I hope everyone's having a really nice new year. It's exciting. Fresh year, fresh start. It's begun, but I don't think it probably begins until March, so no one panicked. Yeah, I don't prescribe to the, to the idea of starting with a bang in January. Start slowly. Dip you toe in January. Start thinking about stuff February, March, put it into action. Let's calm down. Let's peak in October and then sleep to December.

That's perfect. That's my plan. That's perfect. Okay, well, we hope you enjoy this and we will be back with more episodes very shortly. We love you. Oh, we're coming back soon. Don't you worry about it.

We'd like to address the pollicule. Thank you for subscribing to Patreon. We have got a listener letter. Yes, and this one is a little bit different. It is. It's from a man. What? Harriet, a man was being in touch.

Oh my goodness. Amy, what does he say? He says, please can I have your hand in marriage? No, he doesn't. No, okay. It doesn't, which is also fine. Yeah, we've learned from those. We've learned from that. So the subject is one story and one burning question.

Cream. Sorry. The burning. Ah! Yeah, or yogurt. Somebody was saying about what do you think the first person to discover putting yogh on thrush was doing at the time.

That is a very interesting question. I guess having breakfast dropped on in a way. Oh, hello. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, what did they go through before they got to yoghurt? Yeah.

Brand flakes. Brand flakes. Crunchy bran flakes. Maybe it's not brand flakes. I'd go for bread, like a cold bread in the fridge and press it against it. Yes.

But then you're putting yeast on yeast. But you know how sometimes that maybe that's what it needs. You know what I mean? Feed the yeast. Yeah. Jelly, I think cold jelly. Are we doctors? I think I might be a doctor.

I've been watching a lot of house. It's lupus. I think if you got a cold jelly out of the fridge, maybe this is my kink. Got a cold jelly, like a wobbly jelly out of the fridge. And then you, no, you hover, you squat over it. and press, press down on it.

I think that would be really cooling and really refreshing. That actually would be fun. That's fun. That's fun. That's fun. And that's next week's Patreon. But that is not what this listener has said.

And I'm not... Amy, I can't squat low enough. I'm falling over. I sat on it. It squashed. Oh. Okay. You saw that jelly.

That's how we... I don't think... We're ready for this jelly. So, disaster date matched with a lady on a dating app, and we were getting along extremely well. I felt comfortable enough to swap numbers after some more messaging and a few calls agreed a spot to have a few drinks. So far, so good.

When I arrived, she had brought some friends with her. Oh, no. No. No. A guy and a woman. Both sat at the table with her. not even a few tables away, but at the table. Unacceptable.

I think if it's like a thing where you're out with friends, but you have to give a heads up. You have to give a heads up. You can't just walk into the situation and then it like changes the whole situation. There has to be, there has to be a heads up and there has to be a little choice in it. So you're not going in and being like, oh, I've been bamboozled.

Bambuseled. Outnumbered. Yes. If it's like, do you want to come and meet me and my friends for a drink? Fine. If it's like, do you want to go on a day, oh, FYI, my friends are here. Or if it's not. Oh, I'm sorry, my friends are still here. No, but you should probably get rid of the friends.

Unless it's like... Yeah. And if it's a safety thing, I get it. But like, like he says, a few tables away. Let's keep going. Let's keep going. Let's keep going. Okay. I pushed the nerves and bemusement aside and said,

hi. Fine. Had a bit of a chat and bought some drinks for everybody. Already really weird. Her male friend then proceeded to ask me about 100 questions and I was barely even talking to the person I was there to meet. He very clearly had a huge crush on her, maybe more than that.

Oh, no. This is a horrible situation. Yeah, this is horrible. And you can see it happening and they're all having fun as friends and then you're like, oh, but you're just not thinking about this person's feelings at all.

Yeah. This is a really hard situation for this guy. And you bought them all drinks. You've not just bought one drink for one night you were to buy everybody drinks. Oh, God. Her female friend then started heavily flirting with me

and I didn't really know what to do. I tried to focus my attention on the lady I was there to meet, and she wasn't really chatting too much. This is a minefield. This feels like a test. This feels like a prank or a test. They were all then telling me about their vegan activism, including vandalism. Uh-oh.

Her friend asked me, if we were to have one, where would I take a friend next date? Caviats, when I'm nervous, I'm extremely sarcastic and sometimes say stupid things by accident. Uh-oh. So I said, how about Toby Carvery? Perfect for me. It didn't go down too well. I might as well have said an abattoir. In my defence, I somehow managed to win them back over

and they quite liked me. Loll. Okay, so it doesn't sound like it's going great on any level here. Well, it's difficult when you're up against a board. Yeah. Trying to defend yourself and you're just like, what is happening here? Yeah, this is really hard.

Yeah, this is very stressful. This is stressful. We all parted ways and our messaging just sort of slowly eased off and ultimately stopped before a second date. I think that's fine. This is one of less weird stories I have, but sadly for you, I only tell those people in person because I like seeing people's reactions. Was that weird or would that be something you would consider appropriate? No, none of that's appropriate.

Like, none of that's appropriate. No, and I think, but maybe she's like new at dating or something and she's like that, like, I can see how you get there through like the insecurity and the panic and you're like, oh, but if these people are here, then this will be fun and it'll be fun for us. But then they've completely forgotten your feelings. And it seems like you handled yourself well in a situation where you were outnumbered. Yeah. Also, I think it's like, yeah, it's an insecurity thing, isn't it? To be like, I'm going on a day, but I'm going to bring a guy who already fancies me with me so that you can see like, I am desirable because this guy wants me. Yeah.

Hey, this guy wants me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then what do you do about your friend flirting with him? And yeah, no, that is a nightmare situation. Well done for getting out there. Part two of this, the burning question. I can get pretty severe anxiety, and when I meet someone can get really overwhelmed by it, it also can make it really difficult to approach someone.

Yep, I agree with that. I convince myself all sorts of things like I will come across creepy, instant rejection, look of disgust, etc. From a lady's perspective, what would salvage a situation where I'm clearly nervous and avoid inadvertently coming across creepy or weird? And to follow up, what would be a nice way to approach someone, to spark up a good chat, especially if they are on their phone. So the question is, basically, how should a man approach us to not seem creepy?

It's so difficult because I'm always like, why is no one approaching me and why is this? And then you're like, the thought of somebody coming up to you when you're just mind your own business, you'd be like, oh, like instantly your defences would go up. So this is a very, very good question. The problem is sometimes I've had it where people will start trying to talk to you and they don't get the hints. Yeah. So I think you have to just have a little, a quick little lay of the land.

Yeah. And get out. Like, do not think that you can win them over. Yeah. Just a little, like, a little introduction thing. Yeah. And see if they're open to it. If they're not open to it, don't keep going.

Don't sit down at the table. Yeah. Do not sit down. I think what would be really good is if I, so if I was somewhere on my own, if I went to the bar and a guy was also at the bar, I came to the bar, and we had a chat at the bar. But how would he start the chat? If he was just like, oh, do you like crisps?

That would work so well for you actually. That would work so well for me. But if it was like, or just said something about the bar or like, oh, you got served much quicker than me or like, I don't know, just something. That could come across badly as well. Yeah, I don't know. Probably because of your tits. Yeah.

But like maybe, yeah, maybe something. something like, um... Or can I get you a drink or like, I don't know, just can I get you? Yeah, it'd be like, if you've ordered before and then you, and then somebody goes, what would you like? Yeah. That's a nice, that's a nice move if you're still next to them and then you go, and what would you like?

Yeah, that's... Like, that is a nice move. And then the person says like, oh, thank you. And then you can start a conversation. Yeah. Oh, you go, oh, no, don't worry. I'll get my own, but you've started a conversation. Yeah.

And then you get your drink separately and then you go and sit down. By that little conversation, you'll know if there's a vibe on. not. Yeah. And then you go sit separately and then maybe later on, I don't know. I just feel like if I was somewhere on my own and someone came and like pulled up a chair and sat down, I'd be like, oh, do fuck off. Because you feel trapped. I think basically to not be creepy, you have to make sure that the person who you're approaching doesn't feel trapped and has every opportunity for the conversation to end. And if they're on their phone or got their headphones on, if they've their headphones on, do not interrupt them. I feel like...

Because then you have to go, what? What? Yeah. And it's, and also having your headphones on is a sign. It's a very clear signal of like, I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I think it's a thing as well of trying maybe before to try and get eye contact going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that's like the first step. Yeah. Before the approach is like, just looking at somebody and seeing if they look back. Yeah. Like, I'm so bad at this. Like, this is something I really want to improve on, just being like, being able to look at somebody and be like, hey. Yeah.

Imagine how good that would be. And like, that's a way of signaling, hey, I'm open and then they can approach. Yeah. But like, I'm always like, oh, God. Do they look? And you're looking behind you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, God.

It's like, you're taking your seat. Yeah. I didn't mean to. Like, what have I done wrong? Yeah. And then there's also some men do stare. And so it's like a, yeah. It's a weird thing where I think.

think it's better if we're kind of the ones looking at them a little bit, but then they're so thick, they can't pick up on it. It's so hard, isn't it? Yeah. But I think, I think approaching at the bar is a good thing. And something like, what are you drinking? Or is that wine good? Yes.

Yeah. Have you eaten here? Yeah. Yes. Do you recommend anything? Yeah. And they're like, this isn't a restaurant. We don't have food.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But just like. I've got a sandwich in my bag. Yeah. I'm asking. But just. I think a little light conversation where the lady or whoever you're speaking to can leave and not feel trapped is great.

But it is like, I really making the first move is great. I encourage it. Yeah, me too. It's just very, very quickly, like within seconds picking up on the signals and not so that you're just like stuck in this conversation. Yes. You are just going to have to move in with this person because you don't know how to get out of it. Yeah, or you sit there, you're sitting there thinking, oh, my lovely relaxing time or writing or whatever I was doing is ruined now. And this is hell.

And I'm, I think if you're approaching someone, you need to remember that the majority of people are very polite and we'll keep talking to to you even if they don't want to. Yeah. So I think short and sweet. Yeah. To men. To men. Yeah. Like the woman is probably going to people please in this situation for.

for millions of reasons, one of which being safe. And you can tell very quickly if I will lean away. Like I've got a real lean, I'm leaning away, and I'm like, I'm not asking questions back. Yeah. One of the big clues is like asking questions back or like being interested in you. Yeah. And if there's like a few word answers or like a clear like and then they keep asking. And if the smile like my smile gets plastered on, if I'm not interested, I'll be like, oh, I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know. And it's like a kind of like, does this kind of weird smile of like, don't hurt me. Yeah, but know that this smile isn't genuine. Yeah. This smile isn't genuine. I'm just smiling because I don't want to anger you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's very hard.

The best time I've ever had this was it was at Edinburgh Festival and I was at a bar and the hottest guy of all time, Irish, was stood next to me. and I'd ordered like a gin and tonic or something, and he made a comment like, oh, it's not going to be very strong here. He said something about it and I was like, we had a little chat. It was great. He left. But I was like, that was a great. He said something really, like, funny and it was nice and it was great.

And then he left and I was like, oh, perfect. And then I saw him the next day, I was eating a roast dinner on my own. Don't worry about that. He was just walking past me. You don't need to worry about that. I was eating a full roast dinner on my own. Gravy. I've got the best visual of you sat in front of a window.

Just sitting on your own. Table for one. Gravy like dripping down. All of any of a festival happening outside. And you're just, Sunday. Sunday. It's part of my culture.

It's a Sunday roast. I've got to do it. So I was eating and he comes up and he was just like, hey, how was it, gin and tonic or whatever? We had a chat and they was just like, can I take you for a drink tonight? Oh, wow. Yeah, we're still in touch. Oh, no.

Oh, God, we're here again. He lives in Australia now. We're still in touch. This again, this is probably like 14 years. You can't guarantee you're going to run into them again, though. So I guess it has to be like a thing of, yeah, like have a little thing, walk away. And then later on be like, oh, how was your drink? Yeah.

As you walk past the table, be like, oh, how was your drink or whatever? I'm just going to back and I get you in a thing. And then if they're like, oh, no. don't worry about it. Or if they're like, oh, thank you. And then you could bring one back. Yeah. Yeah.

I think maybe that's a thing. Dip in. Yes. Test the water. Yes. It's very, get out quick. Get out quick. Don't stay.

Unless there's a lot of, like, you can, it's so, it needs to be, like, taught. Like, body language needs to be. Yeah. Like, we need to understand it better. It's so difficult because men I think are like, oh, she's smiling. She's happy. She's not saying fear that I fear. And also just.

Just pleasing in general. Like even if it was a woman that came and sat and was just like, can I tell you about my son's in Patago? I'd be like, yes, of course. Like, we don't particularly as like English people. No, obviously fuck off. Like that should be the thing. But then you're like, oh, but this person,

I don't want to hurt this person. And this person needs to share. And so I have to be the, I'm obviously the person that has to listen to this. Of course. Because we will not say, I don't. don't want to have this conversation, can you please leave me alone? That's not going to come out of our mouths. So people should be taught, like, nobody wants to talk to you.

I really appreciate this question. I think it's really good to ask. Yeah, a really good question. To ask how to try and not like unsettle women. Like I think it's a really... Don't compliment them on anything to do with how they look. Yeah. I think you just don't.

There's other ways to do it. Don't... Because even if you're being genuine, if someone comes up, and goes like, you've got such pretty eyes. I'm like, ugh. It gives me the ick straight away because it's too, it's too much. Yeah, yeah. Like later on, if you're like having this great chat and you're like really getting along

and they go, by the way, your eyes are incredible. Fantastic. Don't make someone's appearance to be the first thing that you comment on because it instantly makes you go, you're a predator. Alert, alert, alert, alert, alert, alert, alert. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then it's weird because I was like, maybe if you're wearing something or whatever, but then it's like, it just will always come across. It's a bit weird. Unless it was like shoes. If someone was just like, nice shoes and there were trainers or something. Yeah, I have a jacket that sometimes like men comment on. And so something like a jack, like if it's like a layer, if it's like, oh, I like your bra. You see it through your shirt.

Just wondering where you got that from. Yeah. I don't know what this is. Yeah. Or even like sometimes men will come and if I wear like a flowery dress. Like, oh, that's such a pretty dress. And I'm like, I know it's a pretty dress. But for some reason, dress is at my body.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. to be like objectified? Yeah, shoes is maybe good. Anything unisex? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A jacket. Yeah.

A hat, shoes, socks. Yeah. Bag. Fine. Dress, skirt, shirt, top, bra, t-shirt. Unless it's like a band. Yes. But if it's just like nice t-shirt,

like I know what's in the t-shirt and it's tits. Yeah. Yeah. So, yes, they are great. Yeah. But don't say it. Yeah, yeah, you're not really like into this t-shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a pale pink t-shirt. Yeah, I don't know what you love about it so much. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's tricky. It's tricky, but yeah, I guess it's just that. Light and breezy, don't make them feel trapped. Don't comment on their appearance. Leave them to it.

Go back and see. But in and out and then there's just no pressure. Yeah. Yeah. just be like really charming, smoking hot and Irish or Australian. This is the problem. If you're hot and charming, it's life is so much easier. Fuck.

Fuck! And the problem is as well, maybe it's like as you get older, but then I'm hoping, because you're worried about being creepy. And then I guess it's like, obviously the age appropriate. Yes, big one. Huge one. So if you're worried about being creepy, then it's like, it will be creepy if the person is 19 years old.

Yeah, of course. So it's like, make sure that they, um, they've lived alive, you know. If you're 41, make sure they've lived a life like you. 10 years either side, I think, is fair. Yeah. Starting at age. Oh, yeah. Sure.

Oh, yeah, I don't mean that. I don't, I just thought that. I don't mean that at all. I don't mean that at all. Your Honor, I was 20. 10 years either side. That's what the podcast said. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I don't mean, I take all of that back. Just be age appropriate. Be age appropriate, yeah, maybe so they've lived a life. Yeah. Near your own age. Yeah. Make them near your own age.

Yeah. Maybe a bit lower, maybe a bit higher. But aim for around your own age. For fuck's sake. Why do we even have to say this? Because the amount of guys when I was like a teenager that like would approach you in bars and stuff. Yeah. And they'd be like men, like they'd be like proper men approach you.

And that's so gross, thinking back like that used to happen, like, constantly. Men. It's because these men are insecure. And it must be less daunting for men to approach a teenager than it is to approach a woman of a similar age. Because they're probably more likely to get shut down because a teenager is probably, this is a generalisation, but definitely talking for myself, like more naive, more likely to people please, more easily like, wow, you got a car? got puppies in your van, mister? Yeah, I'll come and see them. Do you know what I mean? Whereas, like, if a man in

his 40s is approaching a woman in her 40s, she probably knows herself well enough to be like, no, thank you. Yeah, there's a higher chance that you're going to, yeah, reject. But I think when I was in my, like, that's so short-sided though, because the truth is those teenagers are looking at you, like, you're fucking disgusting. Yeah. Like, at least a woman in her 40s is like, oh, this is, like, a person that's on the same level as me. Someone in their, like, teenage or 20s is like, you're fucking a loser. Yeah. So just know that.

Okay, great. I think we've cracked the case there. Thank you for writing in and thank you for asking the questions. Yeah. And thank you for listening to our answers. But remember, we don't know the answers. We don't know the answers. Okay.

Thank you. Goodbye. Hello, I'm Lucy Beaumont. And I'm Sam Campbell, as a matter of fact. Perfect Brains is one of the most enchanting podcast. the effect it has on people is astounding. That is what we've heard, isn't it? Yeah.

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