Single Ladies In Your Area - Christmas Special Refusing To Settle And Not Putting Yourself On That Timeline With Helen Bauer

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Ho ho ho! Amy and Harriet are back for one final episode this year to celebrate the festive season. They’re joined in the studio by friend and colleague Helen Bauer, who answers questions like: How do you avoid the urge to just settle in your thirties? Is single life easier when your heart is already full? And isn’t it better to just let the fart out?Helen is performing her incredible show 'Bless Her' on 19 and 20 Dec at London’s Soho Theatre. For tickets head to sohotheatre.com.Harriet is going on tour with her brand new show 'Floozy' in autumn 2026. For tickets and information head to plosive.co.uk.Enjoy extra content on Patreon at patreon.com/SingleLadiesInYourAreaAnd do check out one of our favourite dating apps - Feeld.We want to hear your dating stories! Email in at [e-mail] Single Ladies In Your Area on Instagram @singleladiespodRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Artwork by Welcome Studio. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, hello, this is Harriet Kemsley, and I'm very excited to be back on tour around the UK with my new show, Flusi. As listeners of the podcast will know, I am really trying my best to be a bit of a flusie, but it's not going particularly well. The dates are on sale now. It's going to be autumn 2026. For tickets and information, head to plosive.com.com. Hello, I'm Amy Gledhill. And I'm Harriet Kemsley. We're both single and in our 30s. And we found ourselves back on the dating scene. And the landscape has changed. Everyone has settled down. But we're back out there.

We're desperately trying to figure out what the hell we should be doing. So we're going to speak to experts. Chat about dates we've been on. If we managed to get any. And share your tips and horror stories. So we all feel less alone. We might even get our exes on. Yeah, we'll see about that.

This is Single Ladies in Your Area. You didn't think we could leave you without saying, Happy Christmas. Did you? We're not going anywhere. Well, we are eventually giving this one. We're not, because we had to come back and say happy Christmas and we've got such a good Christmas gift.

Oh, we've got the best gift of all times. It's a Christmas angel. Yes. Helen Bauer. Helen Bauer's here. We're going to talk about Christmas stuff. Yeah. And also lots of other stuff, I imagine.

You know what bloody Helen's like? Helen's a very old friend of both of ours. Yeah. She's a very funny lady. And it's our Christmas wish to have her on the pod. And it came true. It came true. And I hope you were having really nice Christmases.

And I hope that you are kind to yourselves and you have a nice time. Yeah. Do you know what? Christmas is what it is. Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's bad. But you can always be nice to yourself. And remember what we said last year about at least, oh my God, I can't believe that was a year ago.

But at least you just don't have anyone ruining your peace. Yeah. Yeah. If you're single and you're thinking you want to be with someone, imagine having an argument Christmas morning and you'll be so fine being single. And if you're listening to this in your inner relationship, I'm sorry.

Yeah. Sorry that happened to you. I'm sure you'll have a lovely time. But if you're arguing, that's shit. We can have a bubble bath. We can have a bubble bath. Oh my God, Christmas baths are the best. Do you have Christmas pyjamas?

Yeah, I like to get me a maple match. Okay. I'm going to cry. That's absolutely stunning. Okay. All right then. Do you? Yeah. Like checked, like, checked. Yeah, well, my sister actually got us once in a last year.

She got us matching pink dinosaur pajamas. It was really cute. That's so nice. Okay, that's, yeah, that's my favorite thing. My mom and dad sometimes we're matching pajamas on Christmas morning. That is so cute. I know. Do you match with them?

No, but I want to. But they get it themselves. Yeah. Maybe I got them them. I can't remember how it happened, but I remember coming down on Christmas morning. No, I didn't get them. And they were just in these matching pajamas.

And I was like, okay, that's so cute. I'm going to be sick. That is really cute, actually. I'm going to be sick. That's so cute. And they play the Christmas songs. They wake me up, because they get up like children now,

and I want to sleep in. And they wake me up by playing really loud Christmas music. And I come down and they lit all the candles and the fairy lights are on, And they're in their little matching pajamas. It's very cute. That's really cute. It's like they're my children now.

Yeah. Okay, mommy's up. I'm coming down. All right. All right. So we hope you have a lovely Christmas and we hope you enjoy our Christmas gift to you. Helen Bauer.

Helen Bauer. And how do you kiss someone? Amy, you just got a lunch. Ho-ho-ho-ho. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. Ho. There's three of us.

Three lovely Christmas ho. Ho-ho. Ho. That is Helen Borbell. Whoa. Bo-Bel. Bar-bell. Slay.

Okay. Bells. Great. That's pretty good. Okay, that was really nice. What else we got? Mabel's middle name is Isabel. And I might ask you the other name what her middle name was.

And she said, Uh, jingle bell. Oh, it's Jingle Bell. Oh, my God. She's going to be 17 and writing down Jingle Bell. I'm like, it's Jingle Bell, yeah, that's right. That's the best middle name of all time. Jingle Bell.

Jingle Bell. It's a double bell as well. Double bell, jingle bell. Yeah. Blank, blank. Perfect. That's perfect. Perfect.

Thanks for coming, Helen. Thanks for coming, Helen. Thank you both so much for having me. It's the dream to be a single lady. You're being very demure. Very, very young. I know. Can you tell?

I am. What's happening? Because this is like this, I feel this is like a meat. You'd be so sweet what's happening. You don't need to do a character. It's not a character comedy. What's happening? You can be yourself.

We love you. I'm just like, I feel like, I had a date recently. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is cannot be. We're not doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, they mentioned this podcast. Okay, I love them.

Right. I love them. Well, I'm not going to see them again, so you, I mean, I don't have their contact details. It was just thrown out. But I'm just like, I'm now, I'm like, maybe single guys are listening to them as like a meat market. So like, I'm not joking. I got, I got up early, I washed my hair. And I put on makeup.

Also, also, also, also I'm tired. Guys, this is a trap. This is not her real personality. Everybody, okay? Okay, okay. This is false. advertising. Usually,

usually, usually I'm a bit like a gobbler. Wow, Helen, that's going to get you all the boys. No, see,

this is the thing. Usually. Now I'm thinking all the single guys in London are watching this podcast going like, they are. You found the only one.

I don't know where you found him. I found a couple on Hinge when we match and then they go, oh, you're going to match them in your podcast and I go, no. Yes.

It's the thing. This is a thing. So yeah, I've got makeup on right now and yeah, I'm wearing a wired bra. And that is, there was about eight years there where I didn't wear a wired bra. I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of me too.

Can I, yeah, I'll just undo my top a tiny bit. Just, because I think it's tricky because I've got a wired bra on, but I've also got a spot on my chest. So it's like... Oh, yeah. Like that, do you see it? Yeah, but that'll be from the wired bra.

And the wire hurts under your armpit. And then your armpit hurt and then you're scratching your armpit That doesn't feel good Not the sexiest thing to do on a date Is this why you're not seeing them again? I'm sorry my armpits are just so itchy right now Just me absolutely digging in like what

And it's not her! It's not her! That's the hell that we know and laugh. She is. She's back, baby. I was trying so much. She's back. Let her out. We love her.

I'm trying to not be myself at the moment. No. I'm actively trying to not. be me. Let her try. Did I give this a go? Do you ever go through this faces? You're like, this is just, this is, this is not okay. We're calm, we're demure.

You know I do, I'm stretching sometimes before bed now. Wow. I'm not joking. Something I do for myself. You hate this. Harriet. Harriet, I'm transitioning into a beautiful butterfly. Allow this to have.

I've known you for too long. While this facade is happening. There's guys watching. And if I am myself, it's proven that I'll be single for 34 years. So now I figured out you have to do the trapping. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shut up! I have lavender oil.

And I spray it on my pillow. You get the old boys? Can Harriet leave for a little bit, please? You've got a real mischievous energy today. You really do? What do you want me to do? It's the centre suit. I don't know.

It makes me feel like a little naughty elf or something. Oh yeah, for listeners, we are. Yeah, you're sure. Yes, we are. Me and Harriet are wearing sort of like Mrs. Claus dresses. And Helen is a... I look like a Victoria's secret angel in many ways, I'd say. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I'd say. Except Helen's got some. spot on a chest as we all know. Okay, and on my back. And it's like so hard to get to. Oh yeah. So I have like a backscross.

Oh dear. Do you ever, oh this is awful, but do you ever like, I use my phone sometimes? I know if I've got like a mark or a spot somewhere I can't use it. So I video it with the torch on to have a real good look at it. And then I watch the video back and be like, oh yeah, that can be popped or whatever. Yeah.

And then they're just in my camera. And then sometimes I'll be walking down the street and I'll go, if someone steals my phone, they're going to see all my spots. That's the first one. Yeah. I'm like, tip picks. Yeah, of course. They look amazing. If I die, they're going to show like a funeral when they have all those photos that kind of like fade into each other and do your camera roll.

And then in the middle is just going to be a really brightly lit video. And it's a long video as well because you don't want to miss it. Because you're not sure if you're holding it. Yeah. So you sort of hold all around. the area. Do you remember when nude? Take photos and it never works. Video is such a good idea. Cause video and then you scrub through it on pause.

Exactly. You know. My camera roll. Like I've taken so many videos like that. People are like, oh, do you have loads of nudes on your phone when you're single? And I'm like, medical nudes. Medical nudes. I have so many medical nudes. Like, you know, like things that go on down there. Like, I mean, I'm not 100% sure what it's supposed to look like, right? Like, you know when you're like, I know. You can Google that. I have. But even then, I'm still not fully sure. Yeah, well, because you've got like an aerial view.

So it's hard for you to know what it looks like from a different angle. And I did the mirror thing when I was younger. You know, when you're like, like, pantsless in front of a mirror and you're like, I'm going to figure you out. And I see. Listening boys. Oh, shit. I'm ruining this for myself.

No, I think they would love that. You did a very sexual parting of your legs, though. Parting of the seeds kind of figure you. If a guy said that to me If a guy Like we were in bed And he went down to that area And parted my legs

And said I'm gonna figure you out I would be like This is the greatest guy Of all time Spray riders Oh Is message back? It's not good

Tell us about your date You sort of drop that in And then moved away Like a grenade I've been trying Like since February Like actively trying Right

Because I didn't feel like So I've never had a long-term partner, like, ever, ever, ever. But I was like, I'm really going to try this year. But, like, it's just like, I know I'm also crazy because I question everything. I'm like, are they right? Is it worth my time?

That's not really good. That's very good. But like, it makes it going on... Yeah. It's not the thing. You know what, fuck it. I give up. I'm not going to get someone from this.

It's too far gone, isn't it? It's too far gone. I hate this. I fucking hate this. You try and do something good for you. yourself to be like, yeah, I've got lavender oils, yeah. I put on fucking foundation and concealer and a setting spray.

No, because you have videos. And everyone knows the place of us videos now. There she is. There she is. Welcome. Welcome to the podcast. Finally. Ellen Bauer.

Fucking dates and take time out of my life to meet up with these people who, well, they always have a good time. Of course they do. I'm a hoot. But, you know, they're not fun. Do you always get that guy's like, oh, it's so much fun? Yeah, and you're like, yeah, obviously, I'm a professional. I'm an award-winning comedian.

You're going to have a good time. You want to hang out with Harriet? You're going to have the best hour of your fucking life. She's the funnest person in the world. People pay to hang out with Harriet. Like, people pay money to buy a ticket to hang out with all of us. And they're getting this for free. And I'm laughing back at them, you know.

I'm making them feel good. And then they're like, that was amazing. and it's like, you're, no. You didn't even look me in the eye. And I don't think you know my second name because you didn't ask. That's not bad. Why would they ask your second name?

Well, that was a bad example. That's a terrible example. I wouldn't want them to know my second name. I don't know why they're... They should ask where I live. Yeah. Or where I'm from. Yeah.

Maybe they should do that. Yeah. Well, they're not... The problem is they're not asking questions. No. Your specific questions are a bit off, but they're not asking. They're not asking me what's in my pencil case.

They're not asking what my favourite pastoral is. And they're nice. I'm not even going out with like, asshole. But this is good. That means you're on a right track. That means you're dating nice guys. And one of them is going to be the one. But you just, it is a numbers game.

I think you have to just keep, you have to keep doing it. I'm not. I hate, I actively hate the numbers game. Like, I really, like, I know, I know that's what we're supposed to be doing. But like, it brings me, like, it makes me, it makes me feel weird. I don't think anyone loves it. I don't think anyone loves it. I want to date loads of shit people first to find my present. But I don't believe there's a...

I think, because it's just like look who you meet and when. But I think each time you meet someone, you learn a little bit like, oh, I learn a little bit about what they presented and what I like and what I don't like. Yeah. And so do you have a list? I have a list. I wrote a letter. To who?

Santa. One second. Holloway prison. Strange ways. You got anybody? Isn't Holloway the lady's prison? I'm right to Pentonville. Maybe it's not.

You're not at a Broadmoor. And I said, my name is Helen Bell. I'm telling you my second name right now. You don't even need the ass. I have lavender essential oil. I stretch before bed. I just want you to open my legs and figure it out.

Anyone? Question mark? And I'll travel. I'll write your furlough letters. I wrote a letter to myself. Okay, yeah. Wait, I feel like a freak now. It's similar to writing a list.

But you wrote like, Dear Helen. Well, dear Helen Bow. I'd have to open it to find out. Okay, so you write a letter to yourself. Yeah, I wrote a letter to myself. Yeah, to maybe to general universe. Yeah, the universe. To say, like, this is what I want.

Yeah. And this is how I want to share my life. Because I also am very aware, and I know this is a very to do boo thing. Like, I think I am, you know, the age now where people start going, they settle. Yeah. You go like, okay, I want kids. Like, blah, blah, blah. And you just go, okay, that'll do.

And I... Mustn't do that. I just, I just, it's so... I totally understand how it happens. But I just, I can't do it. Also, I do need to go along with stuff enough because... Yeah, but I just, I'm so afraid of going like, that will do, but also there's a line of that will do and going let it grow, like, let them.

Yeah. Because like, I've had my, I've never had a relationship, but I've had my heart properly broken before because I've always had unrequited. Like, I have a thing for, like, going for someone who's like, not interested in me. And I'm like, so I clearly need to push through that. So there's a line of pushing through it and going on many dates. But there's also your gut instinct. But those things are like competing and it's like,

So what, do I make it like three dates? Or is that like a waste of time? And now I'm just like, you know what? Both times I've had my heartbroken, only once, like, fully. They were a friend for quite a while before that, before I even realised. So I'm like, fuck it, I'm just going to start getting on my knees and putting all my friend's dicks in my mouth. Right. Can I just stop you there?

Until. I was with you for so long. When did they lose you? Yeah, near the end. Yeah. I would say the final sentence is some of the worst things I've ever heard. You know all of our friends. And you're like, don't get in that line up.

Wouldn't touch them with a large tall. Do not get on your knees in front of them. Get off your knees, Helen. Stand up tall. Near these. Yeah. But I have been guilty of the same thing. And I think you weren't on your knees though.

You were bent over with the backpack. Wait, what? Hang on. He was not a friend. How dare you? You wear a backpack for a blowy? One time. It's mentioned in the live show.

It's probably, we probably snip that bit out. You can find that on Patreon. Great plug, great plug. But you know what I mean. We were so with you all the way through. And I think that's, but I think that's so good because you're doing what I'm trying to do, which is being practical and logical about things.

And it's like, you just... But my logic because I don't know. But it's like, it's like three different things. So it's like you're looking for someone that you're attracted to and somebody that you get on with as a friend, but also that you're like romantic. languages meet. So it's like you both, like they make you feel loved and safe.

Yes. And that can be missing sometimes, I think, because you're like, oh, but they're like, I really am attracted to them. Or, oh, but they're like my best friend. But you need them to make you feel. I want that touch thing. You know, as a teenager when you're just like, like, and it's like, yeah.

Like, I want that. And I know that can't always be there immediately. But I need, like, talking to my friend Grace about this yesterday, we're like, just, just as. sign when we're dating someone to be like, this is one worth pursuing. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's it.

You just go on first date and then you're like, would I like to kiss them? And then if after the first date, it's just fun, there's no. But if you want to kiss them, then you meet them again. But I'm so, I'm so frigid. It's so rare I want to kiss someone. You won't be the right person. That's just because you're out of practice. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just like. That's the thing I really fancied someone this year. Okay. And I was like, you know? Oh. Wow, that was an incredible noise. Like an animal.

Really? Like a wild. It's like a purring. Yeah. Did you do that? I can do that. I can do that, everyone. Yeah, I think that would work.

Remind them about my bra. Remind them about my bra. Remind him about my bra. It's wired. Big bra. Big bra. Big bra. Big bra.

Big strong bra. Big old bra there. Not a big old, not. Huge bra there. Large tits. Small nipples. Big bra. Big bra.

But I also know this is the other side of it, which I'm sure you guys feel as well. Like, I need to be braver in if I like someone being like, I like you and we should go on a date. Yeah, that's it. Because I don't. Then you make it painful for yourself. Because instead of saying it, you watch them just like go on.

I could have just said, hey, I actually fancy you. And I'd love to go for a drink with you. And it's the thing where the woman has to, like, that is the way that it is kind of like society is. like the woman drops the handkerchief. Like, you have to let them know that you're kind of interested in some way. Like, that's the old kind of dating thing where you let them know. And then they, it was like in Victorian times, whatever.

If a lady liked a man, she was like parading in the park, she'd drop a handkerchief so that he knew that she liked it. So it's like a signal to now you approach. So it's like you let them know you like them and then they can approach. Well, I think that's why apps are good. That's why you can like somebody. And then it's like, oh, but now you can do what you like. But like, whoa, whoa, not what you like.

Not what you like. Raising a girl. Raising a girl. And then it's just fine, it's content and we're done. No, I don't. He's been dropped. Fair game. Every holes a goal.

No, I'm going to fight you. Do you remember that? Any holes a goal? Yeah. Yeah. We grew up in really toxic times. I think the most toxic times that have ever been for women. Yeah.

I really, really genuinely believe that. I'd say that and the witch trials. And the witch trials. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Headings. All the be head.

In fact, all of history that has been back. Yeah, it hasn't been great to women. It hasn't been great. But we had a very specific thing where women were like naked all the time. We had to be naked all the time and sexy all the time. And up for it and cool. And up for it and cool. Yeah.

We drink pints and play soccer and like it up the bum, lads. Have you ever? I do like porn. I don't know. I also like, like, remember three. If you don't have boyfriends after this point of year, then I don't know what is happening. We're available. We're good girls.

do anything you want. We won't be bitches about it. We've got big, big bras, boys. Really big bras, insanely large clits. Let's make it happen. Absolute. No.

You won't find it hard to find them. I'm out. I'm out too. Episode, before Harriet was like, oh, you're being different. Oh,

you're not being yourself. Can we like edit that out? We lost the editing function for this episode. You lost the editing function. This is showing out lines. This is when we don't have. Yeah,

this is a lot. This is streaming on Channel 1. Channel 1! You know the channel. Good old Channel 1. I've got sick of com deal with Channel 1. Don't feel like you've told us about the date that you've just been on. Oh yeah.

So it was just, it was another one where I was like, okay. Was it an app? It was an app. It was an app. It was a pinch. And I was like, okay, like fancy someone this summer. Was quite brave, but not like, it just didn't work out like circumstantially. But I was like, okay, good.

Now that muscles back. Like someone fancied me. I fancied them. at the same time. Very rare that happened. So I was like, okay, cool, cool. So I was like, okay, cool. Let's go back on the apps.

Went in a date. Really nice guy. Like, we met. Actually, it was the first time I ever went to the cinema on a date. On the first date? Yeah. Wow, that's lovely.

Which is such, I know what you'll think. Did you chat before you went in? Yeah, we had like a drink and then we went into the cinema. And then you went to the cinema. That's quite nice. And it was really, really lovely. It was like a really nice chat.

It just wasn't like the spark, right? Yeah, just not good bad. And also, I'm just like, I'm genuinely. not good at the apps. I know people say that, but I just don't put the time into them. Yeah. Because, like, I know when you go on them,

you need to just get over it. But I'm like, I go on it, because I don't go on it often enough, or because I'm an absolute mentor, but I'm believing it's the algorithm thing. Like, I just don't have any likes. And if I do have likes, it's like one. The likes that come to you is that that's nothing.

You have to put the likes out. Yeah, but then I'll spend an evening sending out, like, all the likes. Have you heard of the rose function? Oh, Helen. But what does the rose thing mean? Because I feel that's too invulnerable to send someone a right.

Love it. They're like... Harry, it swears by a rose. I swear by it. I give out roses like I'm a king. It's the best bit of advice I have. What do you mean you give out roses like you're a king? I say, and a rose for you, sir?

Give him a rose. And they message back? Yeah, they go, oh my, not all of them, but like, that's got a good hit right? And they go, oh my goodness, a rose. And because the rose ones is like your best, the best you can get, the best of the bunch. Then you don't have to go through all this shit.

So you get the best of the bunch. You send them a rose and they go, no one's ever sent me a rose before. Thank you so much. And then, you know, it begins. But I don't want to go out with a fucking cuck who loses his mind because he gets sent to virtual rose. Well, well, you don't deserve love.

I'm going to say, because I'm trying to help you here with my rose king advice. Sorry, if I sent a guy at virtual rose and he goes, oh, wow, no one's ever sent me a rose before. I'd be like, probably not. You should work on your personality more. I was. I fucking was working on my personality,

and I came in here having worked on it. And then you fucking went for me. Do we have the silence option? Yeah. Sorry to anyone listening. The volume. Yeah. We do still have the volume available.

Is that true? Yes. And we're back here on Channel 1. The worst day of my life. I set my alarm early to wash my hair. And it was raining outside. You've done so well. I don't wear a raincoat to cover it all.

Because my umbrella leaks. You've done so awful. You've really done so well. We're so proud of you. Coventry last night. Oh, I'm so sorry. That's far away. I'm so far away.

I'm so sorry. And I'm single. I have to masturbate a lot. Oh, God. On the way back from Coventry? No. Not in the class. Not in it before bed.

Okay, good, good. But you're having a nice time doing that? Yeah, it's lovely. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah. It's fine. And that's just, you know, it's fine until I meet someone. Well, no, you said.

have to masturbate when you meet someone. That's true because it's just quicker. Yeah. Yeah, and you know what you're doing. And it gets the job done. It really does. Rather than pretending it gets the job done, wait for them to leave and then get him the job done.

Am I right? And we were saying this outside, like I never want to like share a bedroom with someone like full time. Yeah, it sounds like hell. I don't want, I really like cuddles and I really like affection. I don't want you to sleep near me and breathe near me and snore near me. I want to be able to far.

I've never fought in front of a boyfriend which is, I know, not feminist and not 20, 25. I just haven't done it. I don't fight in front of anyone. I just hold it in. I wish I could. And I know if I just do it, I'll be like, that wasn't so bad.

But it depends on the one you do. Like, it might be so. You'll be like, maybe it's not so bad. And then it's the one where you're like, the whites of my eyes hurt. Oh, brilliant. The whites of my eyes hurt. My ears are ringing.

I've done that now. Yeah. Well, no, I have farted a lot in front of boys. Didn't he shit in front of someone? And you'd do, like, put a plastic bag down in the car. No, I didn't shit in front of him, Helen. I was in a bathroom. I just had neurovirus on a date.

Yeah, I think they would have hurt a fart during that. Would you know? Oh, they heard everything. So I was running, it was in a very silent hotel. Silent. I've never heard. The silence was deafening. I had a sound.

I thought I had food posing, but I think it was not a virus. But anyway, I woke up in the night, we'd had sex. Oh my God, and I was in a Mrs. Closed dress. This one? Not this one. This is a new one. I've got so many. As if you're always in a music clothes dress.

I forgot about this. So, picture the scene. Mrs. Closed dress, stockings, suspended. Really nice underwear. Hair makeup done. Then I get on the bus to the hotel. No change of clothes. I didn't really think it through.

I had a coat, but no change of clothes. And I get there. We do all the stuff, lovely. I go to bed. I work up in the night and I'm like sweating. And I'm like, oh, I don't feel good. And then I was like, oh, no, I think I'm going to really cry out of my bum here. Like, do you know, I was like, oh, no.

And the fucking hotel was out. And the fucking bathroom was basically behind the double bed. And I was like, oh, no. No, so I go to the bathroom, run the tap, you know, just so there's some noise. Yeah, shower and taps for sure. Well, I just did tap first. And I did like a sort of, you know, a sort of where you sit on the toilet and it sort of feels like a trap door is opened. And it just all comes out.

The water comes out. The rainfall drops. But it's over very quickly. And I was like, that wasn't so bad. It wasn't great, but it wasn't so bad. And then I go get back in bed. And then about 20 minutes like, I wake up and I'm like, oh, shit. shit, that was just the beginning.

That was the plug. That was the plug. And I was like, both ends. Both ends. And I'm trying to be quiet, but I'm like, I'm trying to be quiet. I'm trying to be quiet. It's so sad. Both ends. And then I turned the shower on

to make some noise. Yeah. And then he knocked on the door. And I'm obviously not in the shower. I'm sat on the toilet, shitting myself to death. And he knocks on the door. He's like, are you all right? And I'm like, yeah, just fancied getting a shower. It's like 4 a.m. I said, just wanted a shower, baby. I'll be back in a little bit.

And he was like, okay. And then, like, I was in there for ages, like sweating. I had my head against the water. You know, when you're like, I'm so ill. I'm so ill. Anyway, I think everything was out. So then I was like, right, I'll go back out. And then I was like, oh, he thinks I've got a shower.

So I have to get a shower. So then I just stood in the shower for a bit. But I've obviously got very naturally curly hair. And I hadn't brought a brush and there was no conditioner or shampoo or anything. So I just had wet. hair that just formed into like little dreadlocks, like little clumps. And I hadn't taken my makeup off, so I just had makeup down me, like clumpy dreadlocked hair. I was sort of like a kind of grey colour from all the direy and sick.

And then I went back out and tried to style it out. And it's like, you okay? And I was like, yeah, big time. I'm good. Are you good? Sexy boy? Are you good? Clammy?

Like, clammy. Like kind of shivery. It's like, yeah, baby. Oh my God. Would have been a trot. Would have been an atrocity. And then he's like, oh, okay, so long as you're okay. And I was like, yeah.

And then I felt like come again. And I was like, I'm so sorry, I have to get a shower again. He was like, what do you mean? And I was like, I just really feel like I didn't shower properly. And then I'd like run back into the bathroom. And the next day, because I didn't have a change of clothes, I just had to put my Mrs. clothes dressed back on.

and stockings and suspenders. By this point, you know, he knew I was very, very ill. I couldn't hide it anymore. And he was like, I'll give you a lift to the train station. I was like, thank you so much. And then he was like, oh, he had a new car. And he was like, oh, do you mind if I put a bin bag down on the seat? And I was like, no, that's fine.

So I'm just sat on a bin bag. Looking app, like still make up. fully matted hair in a fucking sexy Mrs. Clothes dress looking the worst I've ever looked sat on a bin bag and we drove to the station in silence

and I never saw him again. That's my favourite story of all the time. Can you send me the clip of that? Thank you so much. It's Christian Anderson. That's your favourite Christmas tale. Christmas boy. I'll listen to it.

Like people watch a lecture later every year I'm just there like everyone. Listen to the day of Amy at Christmas. You all died. Gather around, children. Gather around. It's so awful. It was genuinely awful.

Fomited and farted at the same time in front of a guy. Is this the Christmas episode we want? I understand. I understand. Ding dong, memory on high. In heaven the bells are ringing. I got food poisoning on Bobby's 30th birthday. And then we were all.

on this island in the middle of nowhere and there was a glass door and there was just me on the toilet being like, Happy birthday! Oh no. Happy birthday. Wow.

Wow. Put them on your dating profile. Put those as your voice, no story. And mine would be like, I once vomited and farted in front of a guy. Roses are red, violets are blue. We've matched on an app. What you up to?

I'm not doing dating app. this month, but I'm not doing it for Christmas. Oh, okay, that makes sense. Christmas is too much, don't you think? No, it's just, it's, there's, there's, there's too much, like, I just, I get so emotional at Christmas anyway. Like, I'm like, I'm not, like, the biggest. Yeah, the expectations are so high.

It's just, it's too much. And then you also know that you've got. Nice sober dates in January. That's what you want. Really bleak, really bleak. Here we go. Midwinter death. No one's got any money.

That's what I'm looking for. You can't go for food or anything, someone's got cash. People that are so broken, they have no choice but to be honest. I'll take it. I love that. Yeah. I just think Christmas is already tough enough. And I'm someone that goes ahead in my head sometimes.

If I like someone, then I'm like, oh my God. Well, maybe they'll be in London at Christmas time, so I won't have to be like, you know, but what I'm like? And I'm just like, there's already too much. And I'm just like, just get it, just do Christmas. I love that. And just see if you meet someone in real life. I've promised myself that next time I fancy someone in real life,

I'm going to go for it. I'm going to send them a message and be like, Yeah. Let's go for a drink. And I'm not going to be like trying to then back, back off or I send that message to make sure it sounds really friendly just in case they think I'm disgusting. I'm just going to be like, I'm interested. Because none of it matters.

It's not bad to have me fancy you. It's not a massive compliment. It's not bad to be fancied by me. Yeah, it's really nice. I feel exactly the same. Like, as a car. I feel like. I like to let someone know that you fancy them feels like the biggest,

like the worst thing you could ever do in your whole life. Yeah. And I cannot tell you how much I'd feel. fucking love to receive a text from either of you saying let's go for a drink. So like why the fuck do we think that? Why do we think that we're not like... Because we... I'm sorry, shitting aside, really good fun hangs. And none of it matters because you're just trying to find your person.

And so if they're like, oh, it's not right. Then it's like, oh, it's just one step closer to realising you're not my person. And I had a wine. And I had a wine. It's mine. I had a wine. Yeah. Oh, I sent a message to someone we all know after many...

Not wines, but men, and he saw the message and just never responded. And I will see this person again. In a professional capacity. But this is good, but you tried. You tried and on to the next. But seriously, you did it. I did it. You did it.

But I did it. And that's actually you're on the other side of it. Yeah. And it's like you're going to send it one day and it's going to be the right person. Yeah. And then someone will go. Oh, what? Yeah.

I'd love that. Exactly. Yeah. So it's like, that's actually the really brave thing to do. But also how mad that we have to be, like, drunk to send that? Why can't you just be like, it's good for drinking? Because I know, I know some absolute hogs of women. And then you touched me.

Okay. I know some real hogs. Earlier we were like, yeah, no, I never fart in front of a guy. And then both of you were like, forditting yourselves, waving on a toilet. A wave is nice. Waver's never not nice. I've never farted in front of my ex-husband. But it's like we can't control.

There's nothing more about that. Yes, that's a medical issue. Wait, can you control farts fully? Unless I'm asleep. Yeah, sleep can't count. The amount of time. So I will hold it in, hold it in, hold it in, hold it in. I'm in so much pain.

Like, I'm holding it in, I'm holding it in. We'll go to sleep. We'll be spooning. We'll drift off. And then it will rip out of me onto their balls because we're spooning, and it'll wake them up, and it'll wake me up. But then it's like in the night,

so I'm just like bolt away from my eyes up and just going, do I reference it, do I not? Do I reference it, do or not? And I just pretend. I just go, yeah, just pretend. Just pretend I'm asleep. Have you seen the episode of Markham in the middle where that happens? No.

It's really beautiful. Because I want what Helen Lois happened. Oh, yeah, they're great. Perfect. They're great. It's just they just genuinely love each other and they're a team and they can fight with each other

and it's not like this end of the world thing. But like she never farts in front of him. She always holds it in. And then he just says to her like, you do it every night. Every night. And I don't care. And she's like mortified and he's like,

like you're holding them in for me. That's so beautiful and Christmassy. That is. Merry Christmas, Harriet. It's a Christmas miracle. Merry Christmas, Amy. Should you all fart? I can't do it like that either.

I used to be able to. Yes. Did we try? Nope. No, no, no, no, no, no. No. On my finger. Amy, we've got to get out there.

What are you going to do at Christmas, so you're not on the dating apps? What are you going to do at Christmas as a single lady? Mastimate myself into oblivion. Order a curry and a bwank. A ding-dong, meadow on high. In heaven, the bells are ringing. Ding-down. No, I'm hoping.

hosting this year. Wow. In flatty. In my flatty. Wow. I'm hosting. So Helen has just bought a flat. I have.

Not like seven months now. Wow. It's crazy. I love it a lot. I love it a lot. It's very fun. It's very cool. So are you going to cook?

And I'm hosting. No, because like, no one in my family's even that fuss about roasts. And neither am I actually. Right. So I'm just going to get a curry in. I'm going to go around all the curry houses near me

and ask like, does anyone open on Christmas Day? It'd be quite good to go out. But if not, I know the takeaways are open on Christmas Day because I've done Christmas by myself before in London and I wanted to take away. That sounds so tragic, I know. No, no, no, no.

It sounds great. How do I get the more like a Christmas on your own is like magical? It's okay. Yeah. Okay. How was it? I just, full stop, Christmas tricky.

Christmas tricky. And like, amazing for you of Christmas not tricky. What I mean by that is if it's a choice. I mean, if it's a choice that you've made, that is just like a thing. If it's not your choice, then absolutely it's a different thing. It's so, but whatever I pick,

I think I'd be like, oh my God, I've done it wrong. Like, it's just, is there's too much pressure. There is. So I'm gonna go, I'm gonna get a curry in and then on boxing day.

I'm going to the fish and chip shop by mine. Oh, yeah. And just getting loads of chips for, you know, my family and Uncle Jerry. It doesn't seem like you're holding on too tight. And it'll be fine, and it'll put on the TV. It's just always,

weird. Like I know everyone's family weird at Christmas. One Christmas, no one knew what to do. So we watched like a full documentary about these Nazis who hid in Ohio. You're always watching Nazis. Like six hours of that. On Christmas Day. Yeah, but you do watch... I just sat with the uncles watching six, like...

Is this the German side of your family? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But not... Like, no, no, no, no, not. Like, they're not actively. Oh my God, that's awful. No, Christmas, tricky. Christmas tricky.

Christmas tricky. But then I'm going to try next year and I did such a good job trying this year. I really did. I went on multiple dates with the same people. I like put myself out there. Amazing. I had for the first time in like forever someone fancy me

at the same time I fancied them. I'm like, that's good. That's great. There's things going and I'm just going to keep trying. But also if I don't meet the right person, I'm not going to put myself on that timeline because I can make a family many different ways. Yes, 100%.

And I just need to like go, it's got to be the right person. It's got to be. It's got to be a love match. And they have to fucking love me. I'm not going to... I don't want... I want to be loved and I want to love them and I want us to be a team

and I want us to love each other as much as the other person loves the other person. I know that's very hard, but I will, I will find it and if I'm 70, I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I love that. Right? I love that. I love that. That's exactly it.

Next time I fancy someone I send them a message. I'm going to tell you guys. I'm going to tell you guys and I'm going to make you hold me accountable to the point where I'm going to screenshot you so you can see that I, because I have a tendency to try and say it

but in a way we're like, you don't have to though because I know that like, you know, you probably don't like. You could talk us in the message so you could create like a group WhatsApp probably not. And then you invite us in

and then we'll be able to see. What the fuck? And you're saying you could call the group no fart. The no fart ladies. You want another, you want to put another group?

No, I do. No, no way. I do not want to be in a group. Okay, the lonely farts club. The lonely farts club! Here we go. I want nothing to do with this group. I don't want to go anywhere near.

There's disgusting group. No, because it's beautiful. And also what I will say is maybe... No. I'm not joining your gross group. You can't make me. Oh, so suddenly we're judging us from the girl who has a wave at her husband

on his birthday while having the shit. And now we're being judged. It was a very nice wave, actually. I'm sorry, why have you gone Yorkshire? I don't, I actually don't know. I actually don't know. Where is the group? I'm on your team, but I'm also on Harriet's team as well in many ways.

In many ways, I'm also on your team. Can I say this though? I think the reason that we're also single is because our hearts are already so full. And I genuinely believe that. There was such a long pause there. We were like, and I genuinely believe. But I do. Because we don't need to just have someone for.

I think of having someone. Because our friends give us so much love. You have enough personality for three. You don't need you. Why does that feel like an insult? It was. I'm glad I picked up on it. Come here.

Come here. What did you wait for breakfast? What have you had? It's on Pop-Taz. I don't love this. She's over-excited. Helen, I think you should let her go. She, oh, it's spilling.

Now you spill. Okay. They've all got a little bit over-excited. Yeah, because we're sick. No, I don't want a tissue. I want my thigh to soak it up through my skin, semi-pernable membrane. I think we all need to calm down.

Harriet, you stop antagonising her, please. Can I say nice things? I say her heart for fault. Harriet's been a mischievous blouse. And I'm not taking it from either of you, okay? You know, that's fine. She did start that. I did start it.

I did start it. But then you did grab her. So we both need... Sorry. Sorry. No, say nicely. Say nicely. I'm sorry that you antagonised me and I had to grab you.

Well, we know. That's not good enough. I'm sorry for speaking the truth. Right. Fuck this. Right. It's just me on my own. Hello listeners.

It's me and you. These two have fallen out. I like Harriet. I like Helen. Okay. And we both like... And we both like... Hey, yeah.

A lot. lot. Okay, thank you guys. Thank you. And she's still single. I'm looking. Which is crazy. Which is crazy. I do believe there's someone for everyone. I do. Why do you? I believe it. Someone out there that's perfect for you. Specifically for you. No. I'm saying that nicely. Now, you are saying a very nice thing there, but there is an implication, isn't there?

that there's someone up there for everyone means that even though you're absolutely crackers, someone will love you. Oh great, so I could be one half of the crackers couple. I'm already a crackers woman. I don't want to be one half of the crackers to do her.

They love crackers. I don't want to go out with them. No, but they, no, exactly. They're not like you, but they love what you bring. And they just love that. But they're like... The crackers that you bring. Harrier is...

I know Harriet's trying to say, like, really nice things, but they are coming across. She's staring at me so hard. Okay. We're all just, let's de-escalate again. Let's just keep the escalating. So I think, I think there's a lot of people out there. But you only need one. This is the whole thing you're trying to find your one person.

I know, and ideally they live within a one-kilometer range of my father. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That is what I'm specifically looking for. I want to find someone more than anything. And then I'll go on hinge and I'll be like three kilometers max. Max. And it's like, how badly,

do I, do I love it enough to get on the central line? I'm not joking. You can meet Central. Yeah, mine's like 10.

Yeah, mine's 10. You can meet Central. You work in Central London all the time. What's wrong with you? A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. What are you looking for?

I just don't know where I'd go for a drink in Lester Square. Like, I don't know. Helen, this is a mad reason not too. Yeah, that doesn't make sense. What are you looking for in a guy? What are your like qualities that you want?

It's manifested. Okay, well, I have a letter, of course, that I wrote last year. I want someone that wants to, like, allows me to be myself and loves all sides of me, even the parts that I don't particularly like. And I will love and celebrate them. And I'm a very, like, like, I want to take care of someone. You are very loving and very, yeah, you're very, but you could crush it. but you could crush. I want someone to also take care of me.

Like I think I do the, like, I think we all know that capacity. You want to care, but you need them, you need them to be like, Helen, actually, no, I want to take care of you. Because I feel like a lot of times I will like take the, like, we can do this and we can do that, or like, they're feeling a bit down. I'm going to make sure that there's dinner made or like in the film and I'm going to make their world as comfortable and as lovely as possible. And I'm going to constantly point out all the wonderful things they're doing

and telling them how much I appreciate them. But then I do all that stuff. And then obviously then because I haven't asked for any help, they're just expecting it. And then I'm just a bit like, no, like you notice that I'm not having a good time. So I'm going to find it so hard to say. And like, and even though it's uncomfortable for me to be taken care of, do it. Yeah. Do it.

Even if I seem uncomfortable, push, like make, like, I'm also a person for all the loudness. But do you think that's something that you should make my bed? You could work on yourself, though. You know what I mean? That's the thing that you need to learn how to do that in your life usually. Because you are like, as a friend, like you're very like that. Like you take care of everyone. It's such a loving, wonderful thing.

But maybe if you work on that in that, in that capacity, then that will lead into it. Rather than being like, oh, I have to find someone that's just going to do all this stuff. I thought, yeah, I really want. I think it's just such a hard thing to learn. Like, do you guys have this as well to allow someone to come in and like slightly taking control, but also like to take care of things because you're like, well, I could just do it. And it's like, no, do it for me. me.

I like people to do things for me. Really? I really like that. I really need that. I want, yeah. Yeah. Or a boss. Maybe.

I'd love a boss. Yeah. Maybe a boss. Well, it's a parent, isn't it? What we're looking for is someone who tells us what to do and also looks like us. Wait, is that what you're looking for in a romantic partner? A parent? Yeah, I think so.

You guys are wild. Well, yeah, I think I want, I just need someone who can do stuff that I can't do. I would also like that course. I struggle so much with like very, very basic things that people can do. Yeah, me too. And I just need them to help me do that. And I, in return, will give them emotional support and financial support if they need it. I can give lots of different types of support.

But what I can't do is call up the gas company. Yeah. I burst into tears. Yeah. There's things that I just, for whatever reason, my shortcomings make things that other people find very easy, almost impossible. And if someone could just come in and be like, oh, I can sort that, I would be like, oh my God, thank you so much. And in return, I'm not a good cook, but it's like, well, I will take you out for dinner. That's something I can do. And I will learn what you like to

eat. 100%. And I will make that reservation. I will, I will make you feel as loved as possible. Yeah. But this is, I think we're saying the same thing. Yes. Yes. It's like, someone to come in and be like, hey, you don't want to do that? I got you. I want to do this for you. Yeah. I want to, I'd love someone to want to make my life better. I want you to feel good. I want you to feel good and I want you to feel loved and I want you to feel special. And just because you haven't been taken care of all these years

because you've been single all these years and you've had to do everything by yourself. Yeah. Doesn't mean you should. Exactly that. And I'm like, fucking take care of me. And I, but I also love being like very, very, I love being romantic.

Like, I love planning like trips and like really, like I think I've done some pretty good So for my ex, for example, for his 40th, we just got together and it was in lockdown. And I didn't know any of his friends. But it was his 40th. So I wanted to do something special. So I hired, I mean, you need to know I was on universal credit. I had no money.

I hired a cinema in London where we were allowed a certain amount of people in the cinema with COVID restrictions. But everyone had to wear like a face mask. And I got them to put on his favorite film. and I invited all his friends who I'd never met and I made face masks of his face. And it was a surprise so that when he came in they were all sort of like wearing his face and we played his favorite film

and his best friend who I'd never met like we managed to like be in contact and we like made his favorite food. And it's like I really love like celebrating people. Like I genuinely love that. But I cannot take the bin out because I'm scared of spiders. So it's like, and we have to put it in this bin thing

and it's dark and it's scary. Yeah. So it's like, if you do that, I will like, I will love you so much. I just can't do some things. Yes. And if you, if it was all right with them, they'd be like, oh, that means nothing to me.

I can, of course I can do that. I don't want to ask you. You shouldn't have to ask. Yeah. Like, want to help me. Because I'm wanting to help you. Yeah. So that's what I'm looking for.

And I think we all are. You're going to find it. Right? Yeah. Because we all have to do stuff by ourselves. We all own property solo, which is amazing, but also very emotional, having to do something that you thought

you'd always have with someone else. And you're doing it by yourself, and you've got all those things to take care of. And it's a privilege, I'm fully aware of that. But if there's a problem, you're the one that has to call up and fix it. Something doesn't work. And yeah, okay, builders do take advantage of you

because they know they can. Like, it's just the thing of being, like, I'm getting my bathroom done soon. And I just know that it's going to be a problem at some point because even getting the quotes was a problem. And I had to do it all by my, And I just, it would love to share that with someone. But I, like, that's just part of it, you know?

Because it is hard being by yourself. Yeah. Because everything falls on you. Yeah. Everything falls on you. And it also can in relationships. Yes, that's very interesting. Yeah, true.

But that's why I'm like, that's not looking for that. Oh, my God. Everything is false on you. You have to do all your stuff and all their stuff. Exactly, yeah. But I'm not doing that. They have to be someone who, they've got to like push past me, my instinct will be to do everything.

And it's like, I need to let them do stuff, but they also need to actively want to. Yeah. Because a lot of guys are saying, they do just go like, oh, well, you did that one time so you can do it next time. And it's like, no. Yeah.

A lot of, I don't know if it's just guys, in my experience, but we'll do like the bare minimum. Because it's like, oh, well, she's happy if I do this. And never go like, oh, I wonder if this would like really make a happy. I wonder if I could surprise her with this. I wonder if I could like, I know she's really stressed this week, so maybe I'll sort this out for her or something.

It feels like they don't go above and beyond. Like, I feel, again, very sweeping, generalising statement, but I feel like a lot of women are so empathetic to what their partner's going through that they'll be like, right, I know he's going to have a challenging day to day. So what I can do is this, this and this. Whereas I literally don't think, certainly my personal experience, the guy's not being like, oh, she's really stressed or she'll be really tired. It's like, I'll just do the bare minimum.

And if I can get away with it, that's fine. I never have to increase that. Should we do like a public service announcement for any guys who are listening to this with partners? And just say like, but like they are. You keep, they are. These men are that you're talking about. And I think we say like two things each that they could do this week for their partner tell parts. Well, I'm just going to say one that I don't think guys know about.

The bath mat. does have to go in the washing machine. Yes, that's a really good one. You might not know that and I'm just going to tell you it needs to go in and she's doing it. Yeah. It doesn't dry and clean at the same time. It's being washed.

It's being washed. Not by the shower water. Yeah, that doesn't wash it. That doesn't wash it. That doesn't wash it. That shouldn't always be 100% wet. Yeah. At all times.

They are being dried for you and clean for you. Yeah. Mine is, you know, all those packages, it's she's spending whole day. It's me. Trying to send them back. Yeah. Could you do that for me?

I can't do it. It's too hard. I find that so hard. I remember us having to print out labels for you to return packages when we had a printer and you didn't. And we would print out and then you'd have to drive to mine to pick up your labels. But then you wouldn't have cellar tape or scissors. And then you wouldn't know which post office to go to. I remember thinking like, holy fuck.

Can I tell you that in? in the single ladies group chat this morning. Yeah. Was a message from Harriet saying, Hello, me again. Please can you print something out for me? Baby, buy a printer. I had one.

Okay, okay. I had one and I couldn't get it to work. It doesn't print. They don't print. They're fucking scams. The print doesn't come out. You know what? Or it comes out and it's on the edge of a page

and half it is missing. Or it like crumbles up all of the paper into it and then it's a crumple paper. They don't work for me. I'm going to be your partner and I'm going to come over and fix it. Okay, next time I come over, even if it's like a group thing,

just point out where it is, and I'm going to do it, because I figured out mine the other day and I can follow instructions. And I'm going to sit you down. I can't follow instructions. I'm going to sit you down. I'm going to put you in a blanket

and I'm going to light a candle and I'm going to bring you some food. That's so nice. Obviously, it's going to make me cry. And what's how you want to do for me? Me and Harriet at a park. I'm coming and doing your bathroom. Oh, also, also like, just in general,

like, you, You guys, like, just look in the fridge. If it's out of date and you're not going to go back to it, put it in the bin. But don't put it in the bin just after we've taken out the bin. Why can't you see it? It's bad and gross. Why do I have the in the fridge? Oh, I've got one.

I've got one. Okay. And when the toilet roll paper runs out, don't just leave it on the thing and think that the magical toilet paper fairy comes and replenishes it. Because that's you. Because it's me. You are the toilet paper fairy. Oh, wait.

Hang on. You're the toilet paper fairy. You're the toilet ferry. Fuck, I guess I am. I guess I am. I'm the toilet ferry. Fuck. I'm the toilet fairy.

And just like the really simple ones, if like you're just not like doing that. The, we buy the washing up liquid. The hands soap. The hands soap. These things like always are there for you to like just grab out.

Like someone's going and buying them. We're office administrators as well. Yes. like anti-back white down like cloths like they also need to go in the machine and get washed like all these little things like if you're at the supermarket and you don't know just pick up a couple of cleaning things

because I guarantee otherwise they'll be having to do it and if you're like oh I don't know which ones to get why the fuck don't you know which ones to get but also why don't you know I don't know which cleaning products to get it's like well number one you could look at what I have and then just get that again Or like, how the fuck do you not know?

You're in your 30s. Yeah. Also, it's really bad if you're living with someone and you don't know what cleaning products. Like, so you're not doing any of that. Right. What? Can I just give a shout to my male husband who's actually not like this at all?

He's fantastic. Yeah. And I'd like to give a shout out to my three-year-old daughter who does more than a lot of men. Yeah. Thank you. Shout out, Mabel Jingle Bell. Helen, thank you so much for coming on.

This has been such a fun. It's not been what I've. wanted. It's not been what I wanted, but it's what we got. Slay, Slay, Slee, Slave. Oh, whoa. Say it with me. I'm a goddess. I love Helen. It's always a roller coaster. Wow. What a woman. She's so funny. So funny. So much energy. I don't know how she does it. I don't know how she does it. And I'm sorry I had to become mother there and split you two up. Yeah, sorry that I was, yeah, pointing out the truth. You got so cheeky. I don't think I've ever seen you that.

Heather makes me cheeky because I feel like you have to stand up to her. And so it makes me cheeky, you know what I mean? Otherwise you feel like you're going to be bulldozed. So you have to just like get her back quickly. To bring out that energy in me. Oh, I loved it. But no, she's a sweetheart.

And she's on tour. She's on tour. Right now. Literally this week. Yeah, this week. So her theatre. Yeah. It's on tonight and tomorrow night.

And tomorrow night. Yeah. So her theatre. You've got to go watching Helen live. Like, she's a force. She's so funny. Peerless. Yeah.

It's all that energy. Yeah. You can't relax. You mustn't relax for a whole hour. Because you're laughing so much, but also you're on God. Okay, you've gone cheeky again. Oh, no. Stop picking on your sister.

Well, thank you, Helen. She's got our Christmas off to a bang. Oh, my gosh. And I tell you what else has got our Christmas off to a bloody bang. Apple Podcasts have named us as one. one of the top 10 podcasts of 2025. I can't believe, I can't believe it. Like, it's out of all the podcasts and there's famously a lot of podcasts.

There's so many podcasts. People can't stop making podcasts. There's more podcasts than people. And they picked 10 of them across all genres. We are so, thank you so much, Apple Podcast. Thank you, Apple. We love you. That was great.

That's so nice of you. Yeah, it was crazy. It's crazy. Yeah, I was like so, I felt, I don't have moments where I feel proud. A lot of the time I feel shame. I had a minute, just a minute, maybe 30 seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that must be what it feels like. Yeah. Oh, I'm so pleased. And thank you to all our listeners because... Yeah, thank you. If you went listening, then we wouldn't still make it. And then Apple wouldn't know that we would try and really hard and we were good. And Zoe, thank you so much.

Yes, we love you so much. We hope you have a wonderful time and we will be back in the new year. Yes, we will. But we do have to go on a little bit. little break now. We must. We did say we're going on a break and then we did like a two other episodes. Yeah. But we'll be back. We'll be back. Yeah. We're actually going this time. But in 2026 we're back with season three. Oh my gosh. Have a lovely new year and make lots of resolutions that are very positive and nice to yourself if you make any at all. Which you really

don't have to. Yeah. Just be you maybe. Just be you. And keep listening to the pod. Your resolution. But single ladies, little single ladies on the resolution list. That's your only resolution for the year. That's all you've got to do, 2026. Happy Christmas, everybody. Happy Christmas, happy New Year.

We love you. We'll see you soon. Bye. Bye. Hello, I'm Lucy Beaumont. And I'm Sam Campbell, as a matter of fact. Perfect Brains is one of the most enchanting podcasts. The effect it has on people is astounding.

That is what we've heard, isn't it? Yeah. This changes. people's lives. If you had to sum it up, how would you sum it up? An in-depth look at summo wrestling and the scandals, because it used to be considered so honorable, like sumos, and they all live together, Sumos. No two podcasts are the same. Do you remember that one where I just messaged loads of Derricks? I don't think people know that. I emailed a hundred Derricks. I don't think it was Derricks. I thought it was Brian. Sorry, Brian. Yeah, Lucy

emailed every Brian on Facebook. Our podcast is out every Friday. It's really easy to remember. It's Like if you've got an office job, it's the first day you feel alive again. Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains, one of the hottest podcasts. People are going crazy for this podcast. Yeah, please give it a listen. We're loaded up on buzzballs. We've got a Laboooo in both hands, and we are ready to screech.