Single Ladies In Your Area - Dating actively, successfully (and relentlessly) with Felicity Ward

Episode Date: December 13, 2024

This week Amy and Harriet are joined by comedian and actor Felicity Ward to discuss how to date successfully. How do you separate attraction from connection? Is just having a good time the way to play it? And does Tinder get an unfair rap?The Office (Australia) starring Felicity is available to stream now, or else catch her live on tour in 2025. For tickets and information head to www.felicityward.com.Support the podcast and enjoy early and ad-free listening, BTS content and more by subscribing to our Patreon at patreon.com/singleladiesinyourareaWe want to hear your dating stories! Email in at [e-mail] Single Ladies In Your Area on Instagram @singleladiespodRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photos by Matt Crockett and Linda Blacker.Design by Welcome Studio. Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Amy Gledhill. And I'm Harriet Kemsley. We're both single and in our 30s. And we've found ourselves back on the dating scene. And the landscape has changed. Everyone has settled down. But we're back out there. And we're desperately trying to figure out what the hell we should be doing.

So we're going to speak to experts, chat about dates we've been on. If we manage to get any. And share your tips and horror stories. So we all feel less alone we might even get our exes on yeah we'll see about that this is Single Ladies

in Your Area so coming up in this episode we're going to talk to the one and only Felicity Ward about dating success and before that

I share a story about an encounter in a lift. And I'm setting up my first date. Oh, look who it is. Look who it is. It's my little Amy. Oh, it's my little angel. Oh, hello. It's lovely to see you. It's lovely to see you. You know, we did the episode on love languages yes and yours came out as oh yes gifts yes

I've got you a gift are you serious yes Amy I've got you two little gifts actually I saw them you were saying

how when somebody sees sees something and thinks of you so I got you a little book on love Amy

and a little board party game that i thought we could maybe play one time called get the ick it's not you it's them amy thank you you're the sweetest get the ick for two to eight players this is so good it says in the back they hold their nose when they jump into a swimming pool that would give them the ick I have a thing

where I can't go under water or I get a nasal infection does that give you the ick yeah I'll take them back actually it turns out it is me it's not them it's me

Amy thank you so much this is so lovely oh there's a bit on kissing just one second Amy I just need to oh I do need to borrow that actually just one sec no you busted over now That's so lovely. Oh, there's a bit on kissing. Just one second, Damien. Oh, I do need to borrow that, actually. Just one sec.

No, you've busted over now. Maybe this could be a pitch on episode. Oh, yes. We can go through the book. We can play the game. We should play the game. That's such a good idea. That's fun. What age is it?

Is it okay for toddlers? I imagine so, yes. Okay. Yeah, nought to three, so over three. So in December, I can play it with her. That's great. Yeah, not the three, so over three. So in December I can play it with her. That's great. Amy, this is so lovely.

Thank you so much. I just want some quality time in return. Yeah, I'll just sit and stare at you. That would be so kind. Okay, great. Oh, I'd really appreciate that. How have you been doing? I'm good.

I've got a little bit of news. Okay. It's not huge news, but I've got a little bit of news. Okay. I've got, it's not huge news, but I've got a little bit of news. I've officially organised a date with a man off an app. I just clapped like a seal. I was excited. I felt myself moving like a seal.

This is so exciting. This is your first date from an app. My first date ever. It feels like my first date ever. Oh my God. We've got to get you ready. We've got to get into the ball. Okay, so what do we do?

When is it? It's in six days. Five days time. Five days time. Five days time. Five days time. Do I have enough time to change my whole personality? You don't have time, Amy.

You're going to just have to pretend. Right. Right. Yeah, we're just going to go to the pub. I think they're going to be in for a real treat, actually. Do you think? Yeah. But is this your first ever date with somebody you've met before? Been on one date before

that somebody set me up with and he was perfect and then our mutual friend and your ex-husband walked into the bar and they were so much more fun that I didn't want to be on a date with this perfect guy who like worked with children and was just fantastic and I was just like oh but they're not comedians are they yes and I will say as having been married to one of them um I will say that it's you might have made a better choice by sticking with the uh sticking with the old perfect guy yeah it's funny that yeah that is weird but no it's yeah it's all good to have a fun time nice to have a fun time um this okay so this is so exciting and so um what's what's so is it near where you live yeah we both live north london so we're gonna meet don't have to travel too far

we haven't decided on the pub yet and i didn't know whether to invite him to my area i haven't done anything in my area because um i don't want to see a parent from Mabel's nursery or just anybody that I know just watching me like try and snog someone. Yeah. I can't even breathe when I think about the horror of that. Yeah. Okay. Well, maybe we'll meet midpoint. I would say also your area, there's a lot of comedians that live there. And it's going to be impossible to try and create any kind of connection

when you look over and there's comedians making like kissy faces on their hands. Yeah, yeah, you would do that. I know you'd come around and just do it. Harriet, stop it. Stop it, stop doing it. Go on, kissy baby. With your book. Just stood behind you reading the chapter on kissing.

So, Amy, what you want to do, it says. Hang on one sec. I've lost the page. I'm so excited for it. What I will say is it's the first chat I've had on an app where we've, like, been, like, back and forth, like, for a while. And then I've had to go, like, I've got to go to bed. I've got to go to bed i've got to go to sleep it's the first time like a chat has been interesting enough but this is what i like but it's also a negative we haven't really talked about anything

important you know i say like i just like talking about nonsense yeah we've had really funny really good chats about this is the aim that you could talk nonsense but then go on a date so you've achieved that and I think it should I I think it shouldn't be serious at this stage you're literally you just the first day it's literally just get in there smell them you know my catchphrase get in and smell them and get out. Sniff and lunge the Harriet method get in have a sniff have a lunge if they smell good, get out if they smell bad. Simple.

Simple. But I think you just go in, you have fun, and then on a second or third date you work out, like, if it's, like, if you want the same things in life or those things, it's just about whether there's a connection. Oh, my God, maybe I'll do a kiss, Harriet. Is this the guy that you showed me? Yeah.

Yeah, he's really cute. He's so cute okay but let's not get excited no let's not get excited okay and what what is your news okay this is um this is just dumb okay so I had a show in Manchester my tour show I got on the train at 2 30 from London I didn't get off the train until past 9 p.m in Manchester I missed my tour show I just felt sick like the train just stopped for four hours outside Stockport and it wouldn't move and it was so stressful and I just felt so guilty because people had come to the show I didn't have much signal like they just shut everything down the train like I just felt so bad so I missed the

train and then I got into Manchester and I just like felt gutted. And then I was like, oh, I'll just go to the hotel. And then I was like, I'm going to go and have a drink. So I went out and I was being given drinks by friends, which I thought were singles. In hindsight, they were doubles. Oh, I thought you meant your friends were singles. And I was like, where's this going? I thought they were singles.

Turns out they were married. Found out when they were in me. Very awkward, actually. I was like, is that a wedding ring inside me? Do I feel a wedding ring going on? Is that what it is? Oh, sorry. Wedding rings catching.

Oh, hang on a minute. So, sorry. So, the drinks were doubles. By the time I left, I was a little bit drunk. And like there'd been like a couple of guys like in the place, but like nothing had happened. And then I thought a couple of, I thought like one guy like maybe was interested, but then he came over and asked for a photo with me.

And then I was like, hey, how? And then he was like, okay, see ya. So it was like he just wanted a photo. Like it was like, no, five. My friend George was like, wow, like that guy was like really into you. And I was like, just wanted a photo like it was like no five my friend george was like wow like that that guy was like really into you and i was like no no no it was a different thing and anyway i was a bit drunk and then i went back to the hotel and i was like i didn't mean anyone but it's all fine you know and then i got in the lift and there was this like quite cute guy in the lift

but then he kept trying to press the button to go up a floor. It wasn't like recognising his fingers as like human. This is your time. Robots. And so he kept trying to press the button and then he was like, this is so embarrassing. It doesn't recognise I'm a human. And I just thought that was really fun. Like that was really fun.

And then I was like, that is weird what do you what do you think's happened that means you've lost um like a soul um and then um he kept trying to press the button and then it was just like me and him in the lift and then there was this weird vibe and then he like he kept making jokes about being a serial killer and like at first it was like kind of funny because it was just like me and him and then it was like on the third joke I was like on the second joke I was like oh this is like a self-awareness that we're in the lift together and he's like making a joke on the third time I was like it would be good if he stopped saying serial killer at this point and then and then we like introduced each other and then um he was like I think you're really cute do you want to have a drink and I was like yeah fuck it and then he was like oh I don't want to be do you want to come to my

room and then I was like oh no like I wouldn't come to your room and so I was like let's go down to the bar and have a drink in the bar downstairs so we went back down obviously I had to press the button because he's not recognized as human so we got the lift down and then we got down and then we went to the bar and then the security guard followed us and he was like this is shut what are you doing and then we were like oh you know and so then it was like really awkward and then we went to the bar and then the security guard followed us and he was like this is shut what are you doing and then we were like oh you know and so then it was like really awkward and then we got back in the lift and again like it was just really awkward and then Amy I don't know how old he was like I'm really worried he was like in his like early 20s like you know when you're drunk and I kept trying to look at his face you're trying to like line it up

in your head like I think he's cute like I think he's cute but like you know it was blurry and then he was like do you want to come to my room and I was like I know I don't think so I don't have to say you're a serial killer three times I've said that three times and we're learning to listen to what they say believe what they say that's what we've learned believe what they say and then he was like oh um yeah because I've got two friends staying in my room so there's three of us staying in this hotel bed and I was like are these students like what the fuck is happening like this is crazy like I'm an adult woman and there's three of them sleeping in the bed and then I like I was like this is

silly I'm like I was like I can't if I my room. Like, that just feels like unsafe or weird. So then I got out of the lift and then we were just both kind of staring at each other. And then the lift just shut really slowly. And I just went back to my room. And then I was really nervous at breakfast that I was going to run into him. But I didn't. But yeah, it was just all quite funny. And it was a bit awkward.

But I was like, oh, that was so nice to like meet someone in real life that's so cute um but he is too young to work out how to press a lift he doesn't know how to press a lift button he does share a bed with two adult men so I will say he's not the ideal man no I don't think he's the one no no lovely encounter yeah it was just really sweet and funny and we just kept laughing I mean he could be 69 I don't know like I was so drunk I could have blurred out all of the wrinkles he's just dumb but yeah it was um it was just kind of cute and then it was like oh I think I just the last couple of weeks I've just felt more open to the idea of oh yeah you can just meet people in real life like I do feel more like um open to that which is nice oh that's fantastic you've done so well luckily we've got a guest who has had yes genuinely successful dates Harriet

every time I see her I get like so excited by her and her attitude towards it and how she's doing it and I just I just want to learn from her and be her. Let's talk to Felicity Ward. You've got to get in there and sniff them. Oh, we're in for a treat. We've got somebody who I think is doing dating the opposite of us. I think. And by that I mean successfully, actively,

relentlessly. Relentlessly. We have Felicity Wood I am elbow deep in the dating scene well I wouldn't give to be elbow deep you can

you can I'm not even fingernail deep in this dating scene I'm not even brushing the teeth my hands are clean and they're far away

and they're sanitised we're so excited to have you because we've both gigged with you and sort of seen you and I're sanitised. We're so excited to have you because we've both gigged with you and sort of seen you and I've balled you up in the corner and gone, let me tell you how to bone your way through this city.

And we're like, Felicity, please, no, do tell her. He's like, tell me more. And then what happened? And then what did you say? And then what did he say? And then he's like, don't go on stage. I need to have a bit of more information. Come back. Alright, I'll shorten my set. Stick around at the end, though. I don't care if you've got a train.

I have advice. I don't have advice. I only have experience. But that's what we need. Let's start with how many people are you speaking to at one time on an app? Oh, how many fingers is zero? I'm talking to the palm. I'm talking to my own palm, by which I mean I am masturbating.

And that is the only sexual experience I'm having. And why is that not helping? That's a surprise, actually. That's a surprise. That's a pretty effective. You think it'd be like a call into the wild and men would just sort of turn up at your window looking through? What have you come in? Oh, we're peeping Tom.

I wonder if he's emotionally available. So how has it been on? I've been on a few dates from the apps and it's all been fine. It's all been fine. But I find it very hard to, like, connect with someone. I think, like, I really need to know somebody well before I'm attracted to them. I'm never just like. Demisexual, I believe that's called.

Yes. Half sexual. You are. Is that what that means? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not fully sexual. Top half grey. My tits feel nothing.

Harry, Harry numb tits. That's what they're called. Okay, okay. So yes, so there's a name for it. I have to know somebody. And that wasn't the case in the past. Yeah. That was not the case in the past. Yeah. But now I feel like I need to try somebody,

know somebody like. My experience is, is that it changes all the time. What I'm looking for, how I approach things. Yeah. I had never been on an app in my life until May of this year. And now you're queen of the app. You're the queen. Well, look, there's no one that I've wanted to be in a relationship with and I've been on, I'm going to say, at least 20 dates. Yeah, baby! Maybe more. Maybe more. I was thinking about it this morning.

I'm like, I would have spoken to 100 people this year. At least. Wow. There was a ton. Yeah, yeah, I know. She's a busy lady. This is what it is. You're so busy. No, yeah, I know. She's a busy lady. This is what it is. You're so busy.

No, I'm busy just on dating apps. Honestly, this summer, I've turned up late for things because I've been messaging people. I was messaging someone outside this. It's record. Where is Felicity? She said you were. She said she was going to the bathroom to take a photo or something. I don't know. Oh, God. Where is Felicity? What are you wearing? She said she was going to the bathroom to take a photo or something.

I don't know. Be not too much this weekend. I've had a lot of internalised shame about feeling sexy, about feeling sexual. I'm newly queer. I've only realised I was bi like three years ago. Congratulations. Thank you so much.

What a relief. What a relief. You would think it gives you more options, but unfortunately there's not as many queer and non-binary people as there are men. Sure. So it's a numbers game. It's still a numbers game, sadly.

So what I have found is when I talk to women about this, they, like, look at me like teach me the ways. Yeah. And part of it is, and, like, Amy's doing that right now. So primarily you need to know that I am not looking for a serious relationship. I am hugely sentimental. I am a raging romantic and would fall in love with someone

at a heartbeat if they were funny. Fortunately, no one is funny. No one is funny. My fucking God. Hinge, it's like being at a Dalston house party. Just like Hinge, its marketing symbol should have just like a fisherman's beanie placed on the back of its head. It is so exhausting.

Like, everyone is so fucking nonchalant. Like, everyone's like, oh, hey, or whatever. What? What is your personality? That you're disinterested? Like, what are you doing here? I've exactly seen it. So many of them write in their profiles, funny.

Like, they say they're funny. No, you're not. Oh, I guess I just take your word for it. So many of them write in their profiles, funny. Like they say they're funny. No, you're not. Oh, I guess I just take your word for it. Like say something funny. Why are you just saying you're funny? Like I don't understand why they're saying they're funny when they're not doing anything funny. Yeah.

Or people that are like biggest turn on, make me laugh. It's like, okay, I will, but is this going to be a two-way situation? Yeah. Because it's in my profile. Like the hottest thing you can do is to make me laugh. Yeah. And you know what? They don't mean it, Felicity.

No, they don't. They don't mean it. It's a nice idea. It's a nice idea. Because when you say something funny and they just skate over it, you're like, eh? Excuse me? I've done live at the Apollo Cup.

Like, you're getting live at the Apollo Cup. I'm live at the Apollo Cup. I'm the leader of the fucking office, bitch. Are you going to laugh or what? I'm going to get a tattoo saying I'm the Apollo cunt. Me too. Respect me. Obviously this is as confident as I am with you.

In the situation I'm like, you know what? He must have had a difficult relationship with his mum because he is not listening to me at all. In fact, he hasn't asked me a question in 45 minutes. So you would fall in love, but you can't. Yeah, I'm open to it. You're open to it, but you haven't been able to because of what's presented itself.

Because of the options, yes. Okay. However, that does not preclude me from having a good time. I love this. I love this so much. Yes, because I think we're not having a good time. You simply, there is, look, if you meet someone and you're like, oh, we're not vibing personality-wise,

but I can still find people attractive that I don't get along with personality-wise. Oh, my God, that's fantastic. Yeah. So you don't like them as a person or there's just no jelly? Or it's just like, I'm not going to go on holidays with you because there's not enough chat happening. Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah. I'm hearing what you're saying, but I don't want to. Well, you're not asking me any questions. This is not a two-way situation. We're not building anything together. Can the sex be that? If you can't even chat to them and they can't even listen. How can they care about what you are feeling if they can't listen to what you're saying?

But then how are they going to put the effort in to make you calm if they can't even listen to you speak? Just because you find them attractive doesn't mean that you like them. There's lots of men I'm attracted to that I would not be friends with. Yes. Right. I've never even considered that. But I just, I don't know how you have successful sex if they're not interested in you.

But they're still, no, they're still attracted to you. They're still interested in making you come. Okay. They just don't hear your words. They're not interested in my internal landscape. My interior life. Yes, yes, yes. I've never thought of it like how attraction and actually liking someone are separate and different.

They're not the same thing. I've never even thought. I've always been like, well, if I don't really like them, maybe I won't be attracted. But I bet I could be attracted to someone that I didn't like. Yeah. You know when you look at someone and you're like, you are very dumb, but you are really hot. The other thing I have found. so I am 44, right, and I thought number one being in my 40s and number two being

a single mum would be a turn off. When I first went on the apps, do you know who I was inundated by? 21-year-old men. I did not get involved in any 21-year-old men in Undated. Them, like, making their case. They're like, I think we really get along. I'm really mature for my age, honestly. And what it seems to be.

It's like an essay contest. No, honestly. In closing. This is a college project. Yeah, so I thought that that would be a turn-off. But the other thing is there's loads and loads of men who are really into older women because they don't play games, they're not obsessed with Instagram, they know what they want

and they're experienced, which is, like, amazing. Good to know. In theory. Good to know. They then have to deal with my personality on top of that and that does seem to be a stumbling block but also i am like they i i don't have a oh i'll see what their personality is like on tinder i only match with people that i'm very physically attracted with if i'm at a party yeah we might hook up there if you're not my type because i can get your vibe

yeah but i feel like on apps with tinder and hinge in particular you know you get your vibe. But I feel like on apps, with Tinder and Hinge in particular, you know, you get your words and you get your pictures. That's all I have to go on. So I'm not starting with someone I'm not attracted to because then if I have to have a dry conversation with someone that I'm also not attracted to. Yes. Yes, that's very interesting because sometimes you're like,

oh, but, you know, you don't know. Or there'll be one photo and then you'll be like, oh, I don't know about that photo. And then they'll turn up and that's what they look like. Yeah. That one photo is the true representation. What I like to do is take their ugliest photo minus 10%. That's what they're going to look like.

That's my expectation. Yes. Yeah. Don't take their best one. Sure. So you take the ugliest photo and still go, it's not going to be that good. It knocks them off. Yes.

Because then, yeah, that's so true because you're not wasting your time. They don't look like how I thought I imagined them. Yeah. Like the best photo and the personality I put on it is not this. There's only been one person the first date I ever went on where they looked, their personality was so different even to their photos. Really? And that's why I think voice notes are really, really important

because you get, like if you had to listen to this, you'd go, whoa. All right. You're in or you're out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold up, Sam. Come on. If I put a voice note on, I would get no matches. Oh, my God.

Hello, hello. It's me. No, your voice is great, Amy. That's not true. Yeah, your voice is amazing. Mate, I wish that people put Northern or Scottish. If they put Northern or Scottish or Irish, I wish there was a filter. I would take, I mean, that over a Guildford accent?

No offence. Do not, like, you've got to be funny for me to fuck you if you're from Surrey. You've got to be funny. I've been on Live at the Apollo. It's very easy for me to be bulshy in this situation. Of course, of course. Yeah, but that's what I love about it.

I feel like you're coming to it with such confidence. Like even for me to like put a voice note, I'm like, I don't know if I could put a voice note. I put a voice note on Hinge because I feel like I'm so sensitive, I would prefer people to listen to that in their own time and go, not for me, than to like hear a voice note and go, oh, my fucking hell. Like the voice note that I have on Hinge is something you don't know about me or something like that.

And mine is my secret superpower is I can go to any services in the UK, go into the one toilet cubicle where someone has just done a horrific shit. That's hot. Yeah, that's hot. That is everything you need to know about me. I am vulgar. I'm funny. I think about very strange things.

Yeah, that's great. And if you're into me, you are into me. Like I've been proposed to twice and a third boyfriend was saving up for a ring. So if people are into me, they are into me. Oh, my God. But the numbers are small. I am an acquired taste.

Let's not think about the ratios there. Three people were ready. I'm the anchovies of the dating world. No, a lot of people like anchovies. Uh-oh, it looks like I've met a turtle again. I did a podcast and I told the story of a torrid affair that I had with a Spaniard who was an absolute nightmare and we have blocked each other at different points.

It has been an addiction. He's just awful. Awful. So angry. Tell us the origin. Awful. So angry. Tell us the origin. Basically, we matched on Tinder. Yeah. We made a few jokes.

He made a couple of, like, he thought I was funny, which is, like, astonishing. He'd seen your Apollo? No, no. No, I've never met anyone less interested in my career or what I did for a living. He wasn't on social media. Like, the dream. Like, I am not interested in people who are very interested in me doing stand-up.

Yeah. When you say I do stand-up, they're like, you know who I love? You're like, uh-oh. They're going to be on the open mics in three years. That's what that means and you have to protect yourself from it because that's what that means. Yeah, they're doing a bit of. They're going to be like, she can do it.

I think it's my time actually to shine. So then we matched and then he's like, I'd like to call you. I was like, okay. And he's like, I like to speak to people on the phone first. I'm like, all right. So we have this phone call. And in the beginning I'm like me, like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, and I'm like, come on, man, let's fucking move it on.

And then I went, you know what, let's see if you can slow it down, Felicity. You know, meet him halfway. So then we have this conversation. And then just obviously he's a fuck boy, right? I knew he was a fuck boy. Fine. Yeah. Very clear about that. Yeah. No problem with going on a date with a fuck boy if you know that you're going on a date with a fuck boy. So he said, what things turn you on? And I said, oh, I don't know if I'm comfortable talking to you about that because I've only just met you. And he said, it doesn't have to be sexual. Like what are turn ons and turn offs? He's like, I'll go first. He's like, like smoking is a massive turn off for me. That's just absolute. Like I won't go out with a smoker.

I'm like, okay. And so then we go back and forth. Like what an ingenious way of like inviting you into a very gentle introduction to turn-ons and I was like, great work, mate. You've done this before. You're a pro. You won this round, sir. You're a pro. Yeah. We spoke for like an hour and a half.

Wow. Which made me think we could have a conversation together. That was a lie. Oh, and on the phone call he said, if I'm into you, when we're on the date, he's like, I won't wait till the end to kiss you. And I'm like, okay. He's like, I'm very touchy feeling. I'm like, great.

Love all of this. Oh, my goodness. Mate. Spaniards, mate. So then we go on a date. Then it's very touchy feeling. I'm like, sick. And then we kiss, a great kiss.

In the middle of the date? Yes. We're at a pub. Make out in the pub. You're just snogging in a pub. Listen, you're so fucking British. Oh, so cool. Jesus Christ.

That's amazing. That's the other thing. That's all I've ever wanted. Honestly, British people, Jesus Christ. Like, I don't know if it's an Australian thing. I don't know what it is, but I'm a lot more direct. I'm like, let's fuck. Like, let's do it.

I'm gross. Move that pint. Like, let's do it. I'm gross. Move that pint glass. Let's go, everybody. I'm just, I, and I've been, like, sexually repressed for a very long time, but it has more, it's not a cultural thing so much as a personal experience. I was, like, terrified of sex until I was, like, I met someone when I was 18 and we were together for eight years.

He was the first person I'd ever had sex with. Everything I learned about sex was with him. So it was via someone else and in the context of his experience. And that's no judgment on him at all. That's just to give you context of like where I have been. And then when I broke up with him, it was the first time that I was like, what do you like? How do you feel sexy outside of someone else's understanding of you? And then that was the first flickers I had that maybe I was queer. But I remember there was a woman that I spoke to and there was chemistry. And I remember thinking, oh no, I'm not gay, am I? Because I just left my fiance of eight years and stopped drinking. I'm like, I can't do another one. I haven't got another big strike in me. We need a few life changes at a time, not all of it.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. So back to the Spaniards. Yes, please. So then we go to my car, we make out, and, like, he walks me to my car and then he leaves, like, a 10-minute walk. I'm like, I can give you a lift home if you like. He's like, cool. Oh, my God, so you're sober doing this?

Yes. So I've been sober. How are you? Yes. So I've been, yeah. How are you finding dating sober? I've been sober for nearly 17 years. But even like meeting new people, like it's. It's fine. Is there drinking? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fine. The only time it's an issue is if they've just taken a skull. I don't want to kiss them. That's it. Because I don't want to taste it on someone else's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounded very sexy. I'm sorry.

You can't help yourself. It is early for this. But I just meant like, oh, wow, like kissing someone in a pub and doing it, like that's so powerful. I think that's incredible. But again, it's so Australian and so British to need to be hammered. Sure. Like Spaniard doesn't drink.

Yeah, sure. He's Spanish. He doesn't need to drink. He was born with a sexual prowess from birth. I don't know what they are putting in the fucking water over there, but God bless them. Comes out winking. Oh, my.

What's this baby doing? Hey. Did he just slick his hair back? Why does he have a very good haircut? He's bald. No, so we're kissing in the car and I said, do you want to come back to my place? And he's like, I'm not sure. And then we kiss some more. And he's like, I'm going to go home. I'm like, okay, cool. Wow. And he's like, big power move, big power move. So then I drop him off. We kiss some more. And then he messages me.

He said, what are you doing Thursday? I've got a proposition. And I said, nothing. And he said, I play football near your house. I finish work at five. I've got to be there at like 7.30 or 8. So I'd have to be gone by seven. I'm like, I will pick you up at five.

Yeah, baby. The most extraordinary sexual chemistry that I've probably had with anyone in my life. What a disaster that it's attached to him. Then we, like, we message every day, all the time. Anyway, then two days later he's like, hey, one of the women that I've been seeing think we might have something serious.

So I was like, all right, thanks for a horny couple of weeks. Then we keep messaging like that afternoon. I'm like, okay. Then that night, it's like 11 o'clock. He's like, night. I'm like, what are you doing messaging me? You've got a girlfriend. He's like, it just feels weird.

We've messaged every day for like two weeks. It feels weird not to message you. I'm like, I understand that. And then he's like, you know, I would like to be friends. I'm like, we can't be friends. Yeah. that and then he's like you know I would like to be friends I'm like we can't be friends yeah so anyway then he's like I would like to try I'm like okay then we had phone sex so it look this went on for it was it was it was a fucking saga for five days we tried to like block each other and then we eventually blocked each other and it was actually quite emotional by that point I was

like you got to block me or you to block me or I'm coming over. This is outrageous. You can't keep flirting with me while you have a girlfriend. No. And you've been talking every day. So you know how you were saying how you can kind of detach and not get feelings. But if you're talking every day, surely there's more going on there.

It's mixed messages. It's mixed messages. But how are you feeling about him? How do you feel towards him? It was strange because all we ever really talked about was how attracted to each other we are. But then also we both were really into fashion. So I would go on a date and he's like,

show me what you're wearing. And he's like, would like I would go on a date and he'd like he's like show me what you're wearing and he's like I like this I like that. But do you so do you think you caught feelings for him at that? I don't know I think the intensity of the experience there was feelings but then it went on for months after that like he got a girlfriend and then we didn't talk and then he like messaged me again on tinder and then we unmatched and then he got single girlfriend and then we didn't talk and then he, like, messaged me again on Tinder and then we unmatched and then he got single again and then he went on holidays and then he was, it was just on again, on, off again. Then we had, like, an argument.

We kept, like, making dates and then the day before he'd go, work is crazy. I'm like, fuck, don't work is crazy me, you dumb cunt. Like. Work is. Won't be crazy for everybody. Yeah. Won't be crazy. I'm 44.

I have a child. I'm selling a house. I'm going through a divorce. I have an international TV show coming out. You're telling me as an accountant work is crazy? Is it, babe? Is it? It's not even January.

It's not even January. Come on. Don't give me work is crazy. Oh, my God. Anyway, so this happened like again and again and again and again and then he'd like go, hey, out of nowhere. And like I got to the point where I'd say, to what do I owe this pleasure? Are you feeling horny, lonely or need an ego boost?

What is it? And he'd be like, ha-ha, always with the jokes. I'm like, no, not a joke. What is it? What are you here for? And then by the end, I was like, what do you want from me? Like, just leave me alone. I should have blocked him. And he did for me what I could not do for myself. So then he ended up, he blocked you. We were about three, four weeks ago, we were going on a date and then we'd arranged it on the Monday. We were going out on the Wednesday night and then on the Wednesday

I went to say, you know, what's the plan and he'd blocked me. You must never speak to this man again. No, I know. In English or Spanish. I know. You must never. I know. This is the thing.

Like I'm all confident, bulshy, like I'm fucking all these dudes. No one with any self-worth would ever speak to this man again from July onwards. We met in July. July 2024. It is currently. There's ice on my car. Yeah.

The sun is setting at 1.30pm, you know? Wow. No. No. No. God, no, no, God, no. I think that I've got a lot of work to do on myself probably before I can be in a relationship, but I do like dating and I love talking to people. And also, and this might sound really sad, I find London an incredibly lonely place. I find being a single

parent really lonely. I find being a comedian really lonely and comedians are always moving and, you know, we can be quite flaky as friends as well. I've lost a couple of really, really close friendships over the last couple of years, not through my doing, which has been devastating. And I was living in the suburbs as well. So I didn't even have like a community of like other nursery mums around me. I was still driving back to where my son went to nursery. We tried to keep him in the same area for stability when we moved. So it's really nice like talking to lots of people and I have undiagnosed ADHD. I say undiagnosed.

I've lost two referrals to get tested and I think that's the test. So like having stimulating, funny conversations is really nice. Yeah. And it's good practice. And for me it's taken the emphasis, it's taken the fear out of like just like connecting with someone. So last night I connected with, like I matched with someone and straightaway I'm like this is a weird vibe.

And I don't know if there was a language barrier or there was, I don't know, there was a disconnect between what I was asking and how they were answering. They didn't ask me any questions in return. Sure. And then they sort of like gave me three answers about something and I just wrote, got it. And I'm like, I'm going to wait until you respond.

Yes. They didn't. And then this morning they've unmatched with me, which is absolutely but it's fine because I've done it so much see you look upset about that yeah I'm like all right yeah I don't take it personally because I think I don't know like we're literally just trying to find something it's a fact finding they're trying to find facts and it's like oh that's not quite it doesn't you don't know that person enough to even owe them a if that was me I, I'd have to be like, okay, so I need to be detective, find out what their name is, find out where they work,

email their work email, be like, hey, I just want a bit of feedback on why? Why don't you like me? And I used to be like that too. Okay. Like, of course I used to be like that. Yeah. And I think if I liked someone, so there was one person that like, I remember we did a gig and I was supposed to be going on a date with this guy.

Yes. Yes. And it was the first or the second time he'd had to change because he had a very busy, interesting life like me as well, which is great. And then we were like messaging over summer and he was really, really funny, which is why I really wanted to go on a date with him. Yeah. And then it just sort of fizzled out and I'm like, all right,

he is someone that I sort of go, why did that stop? Because he's funny. Yeah. But I honestly, of all of the people that I've spoken to, I'm going to say six, maybe seven of them have been that I've gone, oh, you're funny and weird and interesting. Yeah, nice. But it really, really happens. But I still go on dates with people because some people aren't

confident with messaging. And then sometimes they are. And I often find this with people who English is a second language. They're much funnier in text because they get like a second to read it, to process it and they can respond in that way. Yeah. Whereas in real life it's like it's a lot harder to, you know, Bantz in a second language is hard. Bantz in a first language is hard.

Not for us. Love the podcast. The podcast. is it ham you know when we did that charity gig and it was all ladies and it was like the time of our lives oh yes and then you had you were like i have a timetable i'm like i've got an hour at this spot on thursday at like 3 p.m if you can make it you can make it and i was just like i love that like because it's the opposite of how I've been living. And I think it's just, I just really loved the numbers thing of it. I think it's interesting to hear that you kind of have been affected by it.

Because I think at that point, it just seemed like you could just have sex with people and not catch feelings. But you're having that mostly, but occasionally. Yeah, I mean, I would say that the Spaniard is the only time that I felt like confused. And to be honest, I think that was more to do with how inconsistent and how mixed his feelings were. To give you an idea of mixed messages, he was literally breaking up with me. And I say breaking up just because I mean, breaking up our connection, our interactions. He said, you're amazing. And I said, well, not amazing enough. And I said, sorry, that was unfair. He's like, no, no, no, it was fair. I'm like, absolutely not. I'm a grown up. I respect that you've made a decision. I'm not going to make

you feel bad about making a decision. And then he wrote, that's what I love about you. That's it. You can have sex if like everyone is clear. If you say what you want, if they say what you want, then it's fine. But it's the confusingness. You're like, wait, do they like me? I don't understand. Yes. I genuinely do think that he had feelings for me in some way.

And, again, that thing of like I don't have feelings for him as a person. If you want to be in a relationship with someone, you have to love their personality. You have to really, really like them and want to spend time with them and want to go on holidays with them and want to be in the car with them. You really do want a best friend. Yeah. As far as like a relationship. Yeah. And it's been a challenge because there are people that I'm like, there's people that I've been on dates with who I'm really, really attracted to, are very kind to me, who like adore me. And it's so lovely. It's so nice to feel that. The old me would have gone, right, let's turn this into a relationship. We're going

to make this work because he's kind and he like is respectful and he looks at you like you're amazing. And there, I absolutely want those things. But what was not on the other side of that was we're compatible as people. You match my energy or you balance it out. We make each other laugh together. Yes. Not I make you laugh and you make me laugh occasionally. Yeah.

But, like, we are funny together because, like, I've talked to friends and they're like, you know, this is them saying this, this is not me saying this. But I have had friends that are like, I'm like, I want to find someone who's funny and they're like, you're funny, like you're really funny, you're not going to find someone. And I said, I have female friends who are not comics and we laugh together so much.

They're not particularly funny as people necessarily, but the fun that we have together, that is possible. You can get that with men, with women, with non-binary people. I can have that. I don't have to have someone who is as funny as me or funny in my way, but I want us to be funny together. Yeah, for me I feel really similar and it's almost like a playfulness. Yes, the play.

It's about going, yes, it's yes anding, but in real life. And just instantly, like we've talked about this on the pod, but I really like just talking nonsense. Oh, nonsense. That's how I like flirt. I was honestly, I matched with someone on Hinge last night. It was only because of the message that he wrote. That was like, he wrote a message and it was funny,

but it was like I told him it was the most interesting conversation I'd had on Hinge in fucking months. Yeah. Straight into silliness, like immediately. There was no like how many siblings? Yes. We were straight. I can't stand it.

I think that's one of the things that's holding me back. Maybe you've got some tips for this. But one of the things that's holding me back is I find the start of conversation so dull because it always is like, hey, you've been up too much this weekend and I want to throw my phone out of the window. But I think that maybe they're good underneath it, but it's like how do you get into good chat?

So, again, it depends on how sassy you're feeling. Occasionally I'll go, yeah, I'm good. I've done this and this and this. And like, I'm not wild about that either. That doesn't excite me. Yeah. At different points, I've written back to, hey, or hey, how are you? Come on, we can do better than that.

That's good. Why don't you tell me there was, I mean, I never got a response to this, but there was a guy and I think he was Maltese or he spoke Maltese. I said, come on, we can do better than that. What's the best swear word you can teach me in Maltese? I mean I never heard from him again. But that's a great tip for listening. No, no.

You don't want to meet. I agree. I agree with you. 100%. It's filtering. Yeah. Filtering, filtering, filtering. So when that guy unmatched yesterday, I was like, thank God.

Yes. Okay, sure. This guy last night, like we started talking at like 10 o'clock and I was like, hey, you seem really cool. I've got a big day tomorrow so I'll speak to you in the morning. We ended up speaking until midnight. Like he just kept and I was like, you have to let me go. I have no boundaries for good chat.

If we're having good chat, I'm up until 3 o'clock in the morning. Yeah. And he's like, give me your phone number. And so I gave him my phone number and I'm like, if you don't fucking message good chat, I'm up till 3 o'clock in the morning. Same, yeah. And he's like, give me your phone number. And so I gave him my phone number and I'm like, if you don't fucking message me tomorrow, I'm just letting you know, I will be cut. And he's like, why do you think I'm still talking to you? I'm like, so I have spoken to people till 3 in the morning

and it has been the funniest conversation of my life and they have never spoken to me again. And how do you kiss someone? Amy, you just got a lunge. Earlier, you did ask a question and I don't think we answered. And I'd like to ask you the question back. How many conversations are you having on the apps at once? And why do you think that's a good way to play it? Up until like this week, the last couple of months, I have not been, I haven't really been dating. I haven't really been seeing anyone. And then like this week I was like, fuck it,

I'm just going to match with a bunch of people again. Sure. Because, again, it's a numbers game in that sometimes you'll match with someone, they won't write and you won't write. Sometimes you'll match with someone, you'll write, they won't write back. Sometimes you'll match with someone, they will write, you write back, they don't.

Yeah. Like there's so many different points that it stops. And then if you match with someone and then you both write, you write back, they don't. Yeah. Like there's so many different points that it stops. And then if you match with someone and then you both write, then you might not like their personality or they might not look yours. Then, like there's so many different stages. There's another guy who is, unfortunately, he's just the Greek version of the Spaniard, like literally in looks. He's just, and I'm absolutely sure he's a fuckboy.

But anyway, this is something that fascinates me. People that are like, I don't want to give too much away in the conversation. Let's go on a date. And I'm like, number one, I said to him, I'm like, have you only got one thing impressive about you? And you don't want to tell me what that one thing is. And he's like, no, I think it's just, you know, better to meet in person. I'm like, cool, set a date. And then he's like, what do you like to do? And ask me all all these questions and then there hasn't been a follow-up i'm like okay sure i find hinge more frustrating because of how cool everyone is right and how nonchalant everyone is i don't know if it's just the people that i'm attracting so which one do you like i prefer tinder i know i find tinder the working man's app like it's absolute filth they're animals oh like there's there's a lot of like real grubs on there there's a lot of groups real real grubs um

but i find it a more honest app i just and it might be also because i'm not looking for i imagined that i would find more relationship type of people on Hinge. Yeah. And while they say they are, they're not actually interested in a relationship with anyone but themselves. Okay, sure. And they're fucking art installation. Anyway.

No, you want to build your own caravan, do you? Well, you want to go and live with your dog in Sussex, do you? Great. Oh, my fucking? Great. Oh. My fucking kingdom for a personality anyway. At least on Tinder they're like, hey, you filthy slut. I'm like, that's a point of view. That's a point of view.

You're telling me something. Yeah. We can work with this. I can figure out whether I'm into that or not rather than someone just like, I'm just really interesting. Sorry, what? shut up or say something yeah oh there's actually a guy in there's a guy in Norway that I'm speaking to we need to go international uh he was on tinder we matched and then uh we messaged and he was like I actually was only in the UK for the weekend I was like oh we end up talking all night oh lovely but do you not get frustrated by spending a night speaking

to somebody that it doesn't go anywhere? Like if I did that night. I have ADHD, mate. It's a dopamine hit. I love messaging people. I also am not from here so I'm constantly speaking to people back in Australia. Oh, sure.

So I have a lot of online relationships. Also, my last three relationships in person were British and so the first two I was in long-distance relationships with. Sure. So it's getting good at maybe chatting to people for a long time and not seeing it as a drag. Yeah. And you can decide.

Like there's some people that refuse to make a date with you and they drag it out. And then other people that are like, let's meet up. I absolutely refuse. Yes. Stop. Stop trying to make me. I refuse.

There's a person that I've been on a couple of dates with who I'm going on a date with. Yeah. This person who I spoke to last night. Yeah. The Norwegian. I think that might be all. This is what we call a roster.

This is good. This is good. This is what we need to aim towards. At the moment, the roster is empty. This is good. This is what we need to aim towards. At the moment, the roster is empty. Yes. But like yesterday, for example, I matched with one, two, three, four, five, six people. Okay. One of them wrote back.

And how many were you liking in order for this matching to happen? I read somewhere that it's like you should within, it was either 37 or 47, you should like somebody within the first 47 because it's not going to get better than that. It's like that's like your own. Oh, really? Statistically that's the section of what's available. I'm actually going through a real purple patch at the moment of people that are liking me.

They're like the standards. What's a purple patch? Like as in there's a high standard where I'm like you are, a lot of you are very attractive. Oh. But again, on Hinge, like I'm getting a like every two days. Like no. Yeah, because I think on Hinge you have to go and like them.

Like I think the ones that come in, it's like, oh, get away from me. And then you're trying to focus on the other ones. Like I think you have to like them on Hinge. I have been on Hinge since June. One person has liked, two people have liked me back that I've liked first. Wait, wait. Is Hinge the one where you've put the voice note where you're like, I can find a shit and it's popular?

Yeah. So? That's funny. It is funny. Yeah, I'm still going to persist. I'm not really one that goes off, you know, being popular or well-liked. Am I having a good time? That's the question.

Felicity, thank you so much. We've had a good time. I've had a good time. Yeah, I've had a good time. Can I get your number? Yes. Say it with me. I'm a goddess.

How do you feel now Felicity has left the building? I love being around Felicity because I think she brings real energy to it and she's really like putting herself out there and having fun. Like, I don't know why I've become old prude and she's like fun, sexy lady. You're fun, sexy lady. No, I'm old prude. I'm grub. I'm little grub.

We've got to get you on Tinder. Yeah, I think I really like her attitude. I think it's like really refreshing when she's just like having a lot of fun and like just having chats and like in my head, I just so worried about like wasting time or like, I don't know, like I find it inspiring. I find it inspiring. And it's really made me think about you know you don't need a whole evening for for a date yeah I

love that she's like oh I've got a window between three and four oh okay yeah that seems more manageable because dates don't have to be a huge big thing where it's like right so on on a week next Tuesday I'm going on a date I'll clear the evening I'll make huge big thing where it's like right so on on a week next tuesday i'm going on a date i'll clear the evening i'll make sure everything's ready it's like no it takes the pressure just takes the pressure off it's just something you do also it has blown my mind to think of being attracted to someone and liking someone has been different things as sort of unraveling them twines i feel i feel kind of similar to you with this what what was it demisexual or something where it's like i i find it really really difficult to to feel attracted

to someone who i don't who i don't know because what i'm finding attractive is their personality yeah but maybe maybe i need to stop stop that maybe we just need to hang out outside a fire engine house oh yeah and just be like they're objectively hot yeah well I'm

set a small fire and then yep let them come to us it's just around the corner let them come to us get stuck up a tree get them over oh my god

and then see if we can just be aroused I'll give you a leg up up a tree and then I can call I'll come back down and I'll oh no no because I can just be I'll give you a leg up up a tree and then I can call I'll come back down and I'll look and I'll get you up this is going to work and then I'll come back down and I'll get you up

and then we'll realise the error of our ways then I'll call the fire brigade and I'll be like look my friend is stuck up there help that's me in the background the acting is on point and then they'll come over and rescue you great and i'll i don't know just grab one just grab one i think that's it but i saw a group of men from the lifeboat association rnli in a pub. Sorry, I thought you were in a lifeboat.

No, no. You saw a group of men. You said from a lifeboat. I was like, what? Has it happened the last week, Amy, that you're in a lifeboat? I didn't tell you. I was in a pub. Yeah.

I was in a pub in Dungeness and there was a whole table. I'm going to say eight to ten of these lifeboat men and it was like Harriet they were so noble and sort of rugged seafarers seafarers had ruddy cheeks they'd just come in they had these big coats they'd been out battling the weather to save their community and I was just like oh well I definitely want to marry one of them and there was real varying levels of attractiveness on that table and then I was worried because I was thinking but are they going to be funny because funny is so important but now with this mindset maybe what I should have done is gone over to whichever one looked the weakest. The old guy.

Be like, hey, I don't find you, I don't like you, but I find you attractive. Let's boink. That's it. I think it's like, how are we going to spend this time? It's like, I'm looking for a soulmate.

I want to find my person. In the meantime, can I have sex with somebody I can't stand as a person i mean i think we've both done that oh wait yeah yeah you're right we've done it before we can do it again yeah yeah so maybe i don't know it feels sort of along the way empowering yeah a little bit sad to give up hope on the liking them. Okay. Okay. But I love that.

When for us to use the word like good practice, like just the conversations. And also basically I probably, I'm not going to have sex with someone that I don't like. However, I could probably go on a date and just, I could just give people a go if I don't think that they're brilliant. You can think they're brilliant and it turns out they're not. Yeah. So why not just give more people a go?

It's a numbers game. We've got to get that roster up. Maybe. Let's start our roster. Accepting inquiries. Accepting inquiries from the RNLI in Dungeness. This is a shout out to the men in the pub who work on lifeboats. Please get in touch. And a really big thank you to Felicity for coming on.

We've both been inspired by Felicity's journey. You can see her in the Australian office, which is on Amazon. I loved it. She's so funny in it. She's amazing. She takes a character and just makes it completely her own. Nails it. And on tour.

And on tour, yeah. With her show called I Am Exhausting. Great title. Fantastic. Great title. Love this. Hello, me again, Amy Gledhill. But this time I'm with...

Not Harriet Kemsley. Whoa! WT, fuck! What's going on? I'm with bloody ian smith offer to northern news podcast yes a podcast that's not about the news don't worry single ladies no it's not about the news it's not about being single no it's about the north and all of our stories are about couples that is is not the truth, Ian. No, not technically true.

It's weird stuff. It's funny stuff that's going on up north that we're reporting back on. Things like... Pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire village and attacking children. Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bath mat. And we've got special guests. We're talking about people like Phil Wang, Jessica Knappett,

Ed Gamble and Ross Noble, who joined us in the studio. Woo-hoo! Yeah. So that's Northern News, starting next Thursday, the 1st of May, and then every Thursday after that. Join us.