Single Ladies In Your Area - Finding what’s in between one-night-stand and the-love-of-your-life with Ruby Rare

Episode Date: July 17, 2026

This week on the podcast, we welcome sex educator and Intimacy Expert for Feeld, Ruby Rare! Amy and Harriet’s main question is just …How? But Ruby also answers questions like how do you figure out what you enjoy in sex? Is it possible to have casual sex with care, without falling in love? And how can we all learn to ...unleash? 😳You can now WATCH the full video episode over on our Patreon, head to isitham.org!Follow Ruby on Instagram @rubyrare.Amy's taking her brand new show Thanks For Having Me on tour around the UK from Feb 2027. Tickets are on sale now, just head to plosive.co.uk.And Harriet is going on tour with her brand new stand-up show Floozy this autumn. For tickets and dates head over to harrietkemsley.com.We want to hear your dating stories! Email in at [e-mail] Single Ladies In Your Area on Instagram @singleladiespodProduced, recorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Assistant Producer is Amy Townsend-Lowcock for Plosive.Artwork by Welcome Studio. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, hello, it's Harriet, and I've just come on to let you know that I'm on tour. Later in the year, I'm bringing my show Flusi to you. I'm flusying about the UK. Lots of new shows have been added. Edinburgh, Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, London, new date there, and we've added Winchester, Frum, got in trouble for pronouncing that wrong. Frum, Taunton, Leeds, Milton, Keunes, Leicester, Margate, Farnham. and let's not forget, Cochester.

You can get tickets at harrietkemsley.com and I'd love to see you there. Hello, I'm Amy Gledhill. And I'm Harriet Kemsley. We're both single and in our 30s. And we've found ourselves back on the dating scene. And the landscape has changed. Everyone has settled down.

But we're back out there. We're desperately trying to figure out what the hell we should be doing. So we're going to speak to experts. Chat about dates we've been on if we managed to get any. and share your tips and horror stories. So we all feel less alone.

We might even get our exes on. Yeah, we'll see about that. This is Single Ladies in Your Area. Hello. How are you doing over there? I'm okay, thank you. I'm okay. It's been very hot.

It's been very hot. It's been a bit of a hotty, hasn't it? Yeah. And some people want boyfriends in summer, like a summer fling. I don't want it too sticky. You have a... period of, like a sabbatical.

Yeah. Yeah, period off. Yeah, like, you know how geese fly south for the winter? I stay home for the summer. Yes. Well, I think it's that, yeah, people want summer flings, don't they? They don't want to get, like, tied down in relationships. Yeah, because it's a coughing season in the winter.

Yes, because they need somebody to see them through those cold dark winter nights. I guess you want, like, pub garden flirtations in the summer. That's why I'm... Yeah, you don't get pinned down. Oh, Harriet. I had such a nice chat with a boy in a pub garden for two hours. And then I sent him a text asking him out and he hasn't responded. Did you meet him in the pub?

No, we worked together. Okay. But I couldn't say anything. Or I wouldn't have said anything until the job was done. Yeah. So then the day the job was over. But like, I put it on a plate. Do what I mean?

I couldn't have been any more obvious. But why are you being obvious while also talking about it? about like crisps, like ham and stuff. Yeah. Shall I show you the very first text message I sent him? Actually, that's so funny because I hadn't even thought about that. Oh, God. Let me, oh no, let me show you the first message.

What is it? It's obviously it's a banana with a Fredo in it. About to go in the microwave and then I realised I didn't have a microwave. Is that one of your own recipes? Say again. Is that one of your own recipes? It's one of his recipes. recipes but with a chomp.

Oh, with a chomp. Oh, okay. I got found a chomp. Yeah. I put a freda in it. I didn't have a microwave scent in that. It's kind of a weirdly explicit kind of. It's like,

it's just, there's so much you take in there. Yeah, there is quite. I understand that's quite a jarring first image. But that's me, isn't it? Yeah. I go in strong with something about ham or fucking bananas. Look.

If you're talking to Amy and she mentions any kind of food stuff, you're in. That's what we've discovered. Oh, God. Oh, my God. But he responded to that. He just hasn't responded when I've told him I like him, which feels fucking awful.

But it just means it's not your person. So it's like, good you know now. Because you're going to go find your person. But he's not. Why can't he be? Because there's someone better there for you. Where? He's not good enough.

And where is he then? He's not good enough for my Amy. I'm sorry. And if he replies now, he's going to have to come through me because it's too late. How could you leave you just like, sitting around for four days. Absolutely not.

I'm not having it. He can go fuck himself. I can go fuck himself with that banana with a chompin in. Okay, fair. All right, okay. I'm over him.

I think we need expert advice. We do. Because we're struggling. Yeah, yeah. The heat is getting to us. Yeah. Dating is difficult. I keep nearly meeting people

and then there'll be like a really, a really glaring, reason as to why we can't be together and that's good, that's helpful that's why I want and I keep bouncing back and just like getting back out there but I think that maybe I need a break from it or

but then also I think it is a numbers game and you're getting more resilient I am I have you're in you're out you're in you're out this is it the muscle is really good whereas I think previously we both would have been in out heartbroken for a year but we're like do you know what

move on next yeah literally because it's just not your person, so it's fine, so it's not my person, so it doesn't matter. You're just like, ouchy, okay, just spend the weekend, ouchy, my feelings, and get out there again. But I'm also, it's just like hard when you don't have much time, like be giving that time to people that you know aren't the right people.

But you have to also give it a chance. I do want to find love. I want to build a, this is one of the first times I've kind of realized my life. I want a family, I want to build a unit. Like that's something I really want now. And so I think to do that, you have to, put yourself out there a bit or should it be easier? Should it just appear?

I don't think it does just appear. I don't think it does just appear. But it should be easier when you meet them. Yes. I think it's still always going to be hard to find people. But I think when you've found them, it should be a bit easier than things. I think so.

I think I'm so used to struggling at things over and over and just being like, I can do it, I can get us through. Yeah. And I don't want that energy in my life anymore. No. Because I can't. I realized I want to be, nobody has asked me out for... Since my previous...

So at least, I'm going to say six years. I've always had to do the chasing and get rejected. I will say it's because you're not... Everything is happening on the apps now and you're not going on the apps. You're meeting people that are often in relationships or there's something... That's not... Like, there's just... It's a thing that's like a...

In your head... Just to be clear, I haven't... asked anyone out who's in a relationship. I know that, but in your head you're imagining about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like actually the real, it's all there on the apps. Yes. And they ask you out. Yeah. If you play the game, which is chatted them. But you're not doing that. You refuse to do that. It's too hard. But what about the boys that I'm meeting that I fancy? But I have to pursue them all the time. I think you're pursuing, you're pursuing the wrong people. I cannot say it again. That's so fair. I've said it so many times. You've said it a million times.

I have to stop. You've got to stop. And I've got to stop. Yes. Everybody stop. You actually have to stop that and start this. Stop that. Stop that.

Yeah. Shut up. Yeah, you're right. We need some help. We need some help. Okay. Brilliant Ruby Rare. We just got to get Finger by Pancake Day.

Hello. Ruby. We're so excited to have you here. Hi. Thanks for letting a non-comedian on. Of course. I feel like I'm masquerading in this. that I'm going to panic and try and be funny.

We like to have experts on people that know things. Comedians, God bless them, don't know shit. Yes. We need more help. You are here to help. I am really happy to help and I will try and do that in the least earnest way possible. But I do just genuinely care about the stuff I care about very deeply. That's perfect movie.

This is what we want. This is exactly what we want. So tell for listeners at home sort of who you want. what your job is and how are you going to help us today? We'll get to that last one in a minute. Okay, okay, okay. My name's Ruby. I am a sex and relationships educator, author,

and I've been doing this for 10 years. So I fell in love with this as a space because I feel like so many of us were done really dirty by the way that we were introduced to our bodies and intimacy. And there's a lot of people out there flailing around who don't know what they're doing.

So I'm trying to help with that as much as possible. And I'm the intimacy expert at Field, which is a brilliant dating app. I'm biased for many reasons, but like genuinely is a really brilliant dating app. What does intimacy expert mean? It means that, well, initially we were kind of doing like relationships expert, but it's more than just relationships and it's more than sex. Intimacy is how we connect with other people in loads of different ways. And it's not just about sex.

It's about sensuality. It's also about connection and community. It's broad. So I work with the field team and make sure that we're doing, sharing information that is educational and trying to tackle shame and get people feeling more at home in themselves. Wow. What a bloody job.

That's the aim, at least. It's not always easy to do because there's a lot of people who don't like talking about this. Well, yeah. How did you get into it then? I fell into it kind of by accident. I started volunteering for a charity. called Brooke, which is an amazing sexual health charity.

And from there, started going into schools and teaching sex ed. So I was like the weird condom lady. Actually, that going in and teaching a bunch of like 13, 14 year olds about contraception felt the closest to comedy mates doing like the circuit and bombing sometimes, killing. Like you bombing in front of 13 year olds. That's a hard bomb. Yeah. It's tough.

It's really. I feel like my ego has been so humbled from the years that I was teaching. Oh my God. But then sometimes you kind of get in there and you can really see that young people I'd be in there for like 45 minutes. What are you going to do with that time

to really change someone's life? But if you just like plant the seeds and hopefully other people in their life come along and help that grow, none of this stuff we can like change overnight. Yeah. I was talking to someone actually about this last week but they were saying that actually it needs to start

earlier. Like it needs to start at a younger age to have these kind of conversations because by then it's almost too late. Like the brain is kind of more formed. Is it too late for me? No. I'm ready. I'm ready. Having the conversation. It's too late for you. Yeah. We've got a last course of here. Okay. But then I'm too earnest and I'm like, no, come on. We're going to get you a sex ed lesson. I love a one-on-one sex. Lifelong learning. I hope that we're, all learning new things about our relationships and our bodies and sex when we're like in our 80s. I don't want any of us to kind of reach a ceiling and go, cool, I'm done.

Completed. Yeah. Completed it. You don't do that. No. It's always going to revolve. Wow. So starting at a young age.

I think nowadays still a lot of sex education is about anatomy and we kind of ourselves, like our generation and the generations below leave school with a bit of information about like the fallopian tubes and maybe know what to do with a tampon. And then we get to adulthood and there's this huge gap and none of us know about desire. We're completely illiterate in how we communicate about our needs and our boundaries. And then we're expected to date with ease and fall in love and have uncomplicated sex where we're like having multiple orgasms and swinging from the chandeliers. And it's kind of there's a real disconnect from where we've come from and what we, the standard we set ourselves for intimacy. Yeah, definitely.

There's a huge gulf there between fallopian tubes. And how do I have, like, lovely, consensual, brilliant sex that is fulfilling and exciting and safe? We actually don't need to know that much about the fallopian tubes. Thank God, because I can barely remember them. Like, I don't need that information on a daily. But I do need to be able to articulate other things about what I'm into. Yeah, we're all hiding behind the fallopian tubes.

And they were named after a man. No. Mr. Flopian. That is bullshit. He's his name Phil. Opian. Mr. Oskine's glands. There's so much of female.

Oh, I hate that. It's like a ownership of our body. Get out of our bodies. Ew. Sorry. We need to change the name. Yeah. Philippa.

Philippa. Philapha. Yeah. Yeah, that's all we need. I'll leave the renaming to me. But I'm going to have a strong start. Yeah. Maybe there's a little deeper you could dig.

Yeah. Yeah. The Marie Curie. Harriet and Amy. Harriet and Amy. The tubes. Yeah. That's why I'm going to call mine from now.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you went into schools and then what happened after that? So I started teaching in schools, was having an amazing time with it and then would be training adults and, like, you know, training like pharmacists. And I used to go into the police and have to do stuff around. like trans rights and dignity and abortion care and decision making and all this really like juicy interesting stuff. But with professionals and then just adults in my life, I realized that we all

had basically the same questions that 13 year olds were asking me. And that's not, that's understandable, but also we all deserve better than that. So we know the answers. But what would those questions be. We would know. Because I know. I know. Yeah, we know. We definitely know all of that. What are those questions that everyone was asking? All this misinformation about contraception of going like, oh, this one, I heard that you like, your periods completely stop with this or like you're going to look, you want to

like gain loads of weight with this and da-da-da. And it's, you know, it's so much more complex than that. And also still under-researched, which is a real injustice. A lot of stuff worry about legality. so many young people going like, okay, so age of consent is 16. If you turn 16 at midnight, but your girlfriend's 15, are you going to be arrested? And, you know, the adult version of that is slightly less panicked, but we're all, we've all got that, am I okay? Is it normal?

Yeah. Fear in us. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of shame around understanding what we actually like and being able to articulate it. We've had brief conversations about this before, haven't we? where it's like, I don't even, I'm not sure I know what I like because it's not even being like part of anything. You don't know what you don't know.

You don't know what you don't know. There's such, in terms of desire, it is that kind of iceberg meme. We are really at the tip of it most of the time of going, what sex is as like genital to genital contact, smushing around feeling good. Yeah. Great. I'm up for that. That sounds lovely.

but that is just the beginning of what eroticism and desire can look and feel like. And I feel like the more people start pulling that threads, you might not feel particularly curious about it and that's also fine. I'm always worried, especially with my work with Field, that I don't want to create a culture of going in order to be cool. You have to be really into X or Y or you have to be doing something kind of different or whatever. That's not the case. I want everyone to find their own comfort level.

and if you feel good in you, that's the win. But I think most people are freakyer than they know, than they realise. Interesting. Yeah, then they've kind of been allowed to be. And isn't that fun? What if we were just all kind of weird and figured out the stuff that really got us going

and were able to share that with people we were connecting with and they were up for it? Like, I'm, that would be cool. I'd like that. I want us just all get a bit weirder. It's a match. How do we go about this? How, let's say, hypothetically,

you're just like a cool woman who really enjoys missionary and everything else sort of doesn't really feel like anything. But you do it because you feel like you should. How then do you explore... How? How? How would you... How do you begin? How do you begin?

That's the question. How do you begin? I think it's about de-escalating any of the panic around it because so much of this, there's a lot of fear and nervousness with beginning any sort of exploration. So it's really going slow and gentle, but you might need to give yourself that little initiating push. Yeah. Because if you just stay in that realm, that might feel really good for you as well. And like give something a go, but if I don't want to make anyone do anything they don't want to do. I think there's something to be said for exploring this on your own

before you're doing it with other partners because it's a bit safer. Like if you try something and you're on your own and something goes a bit weird, you're just laughing to yourself. It's just had a funny image of like, it's like you're playing both parts or like you're kissing a pillow.

Roll playing but with both of you. Yeah, it's actually quite hard to just do it on your own. What you want is one of those costumes where it's split down the middle and you could sort of like serenade and schmooze yourself. But do you mean like with her own? fantasy or with... I mean, I think the internet can be

obviously a rotten, horrible place but also a place for genuine exploration but also like our imaginations. What, thinking about something you find really hot and giving yourself the homework of considering why that might be and where it might come from.

That as a solo exercise and then that brought out if you have a partner or partners and you want to chat about it or if you're dating and having casual sex in a trusting environment going not just oh i find it hot when you do this to me or i do this to you but a bit more of the psychology behind it of going okay i think you know like so much of the world of kink especially has these really beautiful unusual origin stories and even just the way

that we like to be touched like what's the firmness that you enjoy on your if you're touching yourself and i'm not just talking about like genitals but even i'm like touching myself up if you're not watching it. But on my arms, don't worry. Things are really escalated here. This is a very different podcast. But people, you know, if you consider like a really light touch or something firmer, when were you ever given the opportunity to consider that?

And so that's information that you can have for yourself that you can then bring to other people. And it's all of those little bits of language that unless, I don't know, I feel so and when we're trying to connect with people, there's this real innate desire to be understood, but we're not very good at communicating ourselves to people. Yeah. Which requires a lot of vulnerability, which is terrifying.

And I wonder why it feels so scary. Because I was just thinking when you said, when do you ever consider that? And I had a massage recently. And the woman said, how was the pressure? And I realized in that moment, I've had a whole variety of massages, all different pressures, and not one time I've ever said,

could you go a bit firm or a bit later? I always go, that's perfect. And sometimes I'll be thinking, you, you're evil. You're pressing too hard, it's horrible. And you won't say anything? I've never said anything. Oh, go, what's a horrible little whispery touch. I feel that's making my thing cruel.

Yeah, when it's really like. Yeah, I... And also you don't want to be like, oh, could you work a bit harder? Exactly. But what is that thing? If you were the professional working, you'd want, I mean, maybe you just want an easy day and to be really light. But actually, that is a moment of care, a transactional moment of care.

And it's kind of your duty to communicate your needs in it, even though that's fucking terrifying to do. I am not the best at that. I aspire to be. I might know the things you're meant to do. It doesn't mean that that happens all the time in my personal life. Yeah. It involves connection to your body as well and self-reflection, which I think is something that we're not. really taught, like to take a minute and to think about things. Like, I have been, having sex

for the first time outside of a, what was a marriage for over a decade. And so, and it's taken me a little while to kind of understand things. It's with new people and kind of, like, sometimes like months afterwards. I'm like, oh yeah, that was not, I didn't feel connected in that moment, maybe, or I should have said something or I just wasn't really like thinking about it so much. But this is kind of the first time in my life that I'm, I'm having these thoughts, maybe. And that's good. It's good.

It's good. It's really good. Yeah, now I've got to put them into action. Yeah. But it's quite overwhelming as well for you to be gaining all that new information about yourself and other people. And it's scary to say things in the moment. I'd love us to all be better at doing that. But I think that's quite an advocate for being able to chat a bit before you're like hooking up with someone or being intimate with someone beforehand.

But it is scary. That's scarier than having. having the sex is to actually sit down and say, so what do you like? What do you want? Why is that scary? Why is that scarier? You both date men, right?

Yeah, I'm so sorry. What's going on with men? Sorry, that makes it sound genuinely. I haven't dated men for quite a long time. Good for you. Thanks. Apologies that you can't hop over onto my camp. But how are they?

I've met some great guys and it's been good, but it's like the communication I think has not. been there, maybe in some ways, I would want it to be there. I think that's something. But I don't communicate anything at all. Say more. Babe. I don't, I'm like...

You're a hot mime. I'm just like a long for there. I realize this about my... sexuality is that I'm just along for their ride. Like, I'm such a pathetic people please. It's like, as long as they're having a good time, it's like, whatever they want, I will do. And I thought, for a little while,

I thought, well, maybe that's what I'm into. And I've realized it's not. I just haven't had the balls to think about what I'm into or ask or, I haven't, God bless them, because I'm more, I'll come away from a sexual encounter. God, that was dog shit. But I was like, I didn't say anything to them about what I want.

wanted, what I needed, what I might like, what's not working for me. Do what I mean? And I feel like it's almost like it's their birthday party. And I've come and I've got to give them a nice birthday. And then they'll leave and I'll have my own birthday party. There's something quite maternal about that as well. Oh my God. Okay, here's the jelly.

Here's the clown who's coming in. I'm organising it all. And that's, it's so gendered. And I think that is many people's experiences. You are not alone in that. Yeah. And I, you know, I had my faking it years. Oh, God, but you got out of it?

Yeah, but also, I mean, it takes me a, I would say a comical amount of time to come most of the time. And now I'm confident enough and the people I sleep with know that. So I'm like, look, everyone's got their sleeves rolled up. Like, you've done your stretches. You're going to be here for a while. But in the past, that would be really embarrassing because I'm like, I feel awkward taking up someone's time. Same. But if it was the other way around,

I'd be thrilled. I want to just dive on in, be like, honestly, don't even worry about me. Like, when my arm falls off, I will tell you. But until then, like, I'm good. It's great. And it's such a shame that we can't allow someone else to be, because I'm sure a lot of the guys that you might have slept with would be, like, really up for the rides.

I'm sure they would be. Not all of them. Some of them, you definitely get the feeling. They're sort of in and out there. I'm here for one thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're calling you the wrong name or whatever. And you're like, yeah, I'll just go with it.

that's totally fine. I've actually always liked the name, Bully. I've got a clown mask on. It's all gone a bit weird. But yeah, I feel like there's basically one guy who is like a friend who we hook up very occasionally. And he's, because he's a friend, he's one of the only people where I'm like, wow, that was amazing. Because I feel so comfortable and because I can be totally, it's almost not, I can't, I find it harder to say what I want, I'm not up for this today because I'm, we've just had tacos.

Do you know what? Yeah. Don't touch my stomach because I'm going to fart on you. Do you know something where it's like, it's almost so casual that it's, that's the closest I've got to communicating a single want or desire. Okay. So we need to find ways of you harnessing that energy and other environment. Yes.

Yeah. This is really fascinating, by the way. Is it? Thank you for show. No, because I think this is so universal. But again, it's kind of not allowed to be said. It's a bit of a taboo. because we're all meant to be like so sexually confident in living our best lives.

And it's like I am, I feel like I'm a strong woman in a lot of ways. And I'm ultra-feminist and I am pro-sex and yet. And I use my voice for a living. I'm a stand-up comedian. I can use words. I can communicate with thousands of people in a room. And yet I can't say if you touch me like that, I've got more transatlantician. of falling asleep or being sick than coming.

But I'll just be like, mm-hmm, who I'm having a great time, have a birthday. I think it's maybe a thing, though, that you are maybe not the best at standing up for yourself. Yes, yes. And that maybe that is a wider reflection of that. It's a wider problem, isn't it?

Not putting yourself first and not thinking about what you need and pleasing the people around you. The way that we show up in, in like dating and relationships doesn't exist in a vacuum. It does. Like it feeds into the rest of our lives. And I think thinking about how you do friendships

is a very good way to evaluate how you do relationships as well. Because in theory, I did a project with Field last year that was all around like relationship anarchy, which is, it's sort of taking the principles of anarchy and applying them to how we relate

to all people in our lives. So rather than going a romantic relationship is the like the top thing of a hierarchy and then friendships are less important and family kind of sits over here and these are the rules this is like the script I've been given

having an ability to dismantle that and to really create all of the community that works truly for you it's really interesting it's also like how does that how realistically can we live that is up for debate but we did this piece of work around loneliness

and the principles of relationship anarchy and loads of people who were like, I've never heard this. I wouldn't say that that's what I'm doing. And yet, oh, if you give me that definition, I guess I am doing things in, I'm kind of intentionally making sure that friendships are a big part of my life and I'm not waiting on like that one to complete me. That's not how I go into stuff. Like the correlation with loneliness went down massively. Really? And people, I think like, we, we put so much weight on that one sexual romantic relationship, which can be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to can be great. Like when it's amazing, go for it. But how, where are you, where else are you

getting your like intimacy and affection and building trust and like being able to be a tit and saying all that stuff honestly? Yes. Yeah. If you can do that in some spaces. Yeah. How can you then bring it into others? Oh, fascinating. It's a lot. I mean, you, if you fall down the hole in terms of like getting curious about this, you will never come out. Like I could, me and my mates. We're like, oh, strap him. We're talking about this for like 10 hours. Wow. I hope I'll like come out of the Warren every once in a while and just give people tip of its information and then I'll like go back down again. I love that though. Relationship Anarchy.

Well, it's kind of, it's like under the umbrella of like non-monogamy and yeah. It's all, it feels very buzzwordy right now, but it's also. So by doing it in other avenues, it would help you in the bedroom? I guess if you, well, It's a lot of hard work and a lot of dismantling all this, like, the assumptions that we've been brought up with of what a relationship's meant to look like or what are sexual interactions meant to look like. But if you start dismantling that, what you might end up with is something that feels very authentic and genuine to you. Yeah. Which might be taking elements of that tradition, but also making them a bit wonky or kind of reapplying them in different ways.

Yeah. A lot of people do that already. but just maybe haven't done it with as much acknowledgement of like, oh, I am dismantling some of this and I am actively deciding that this is how I'm, this is how I'm looking to like find people in my life because then you can meet someone great and you have the language to articulate.

This is what I want and like this is how I've done relationships in the past but this bits worked for me, this hasn't and this is my body. This is the stuff that feels good with it. These are all the things that like make me feel. feel really spiky and like uncomfortable and out of control. And if you come in with that conversation and they respond well to it, then it's a really good sign that they're a good partner for you. Yeah.

And so if you feel like worried about having the conversation, then it's maybe a sign that this isn't the right person. Also, this maybe isn't like, hi, my name's Ruby. Here we go. I'm not advocating. I'm like going deep, deep straight away. But yeah, I think floating this slightly more, I hate using the word authentic.

because it's so overused, but that really is what it is. I think us all finding more of an authentic way of being in ourselves and testing the limits with that with other people and seeing if they're up for it as well. Even if it's new and scary, like we don't all need to be perfect and I think to be human is to make mistakes constantly. But owning that a little bit and kind of finding people going, oh, you're up, fucking up as well.

But being honest about it, let's give this a go. Oh, that's good. That's good stuff that movie. That's good stuff. I'm just, I'm, I live in a world where this is all very in my mind a lot of the time. And I quite, I was really excited to come and do this because it's so, it's like how do we, how do you apply a lot of this to the real world? Yes.

Because I'm often living in this lovely utopia where everyone's talking about their feelings really well. It's communicating. It's like, yeah, pleasure focus, consent, we've got it. And actually, like, we... And I'm like, I've never said I want to be kissed. We're at that bridge again, but it's like a gulf. At least I've seen the pattern. At least I know there's a bridge to cross.

You both... You have a very high level of self-awareness from, like, the bits I've listened to of the podcast. It feels... And it feels like this as a show invites that in you and in other people as well. Yeah, I think so. That's something that I think we're really... proud of is that because we are, well, I guess we're good at communicating on the podcast.

We're good at being honest and authentic. We're really good at oversharing here. Oversharing is the word I was trying to avoid. Yes, we overshare like a motherfucker on here. But also, you've got to have a bit of a gossip. You've got to have a bit of a gossip. I find it really helpful and I think that it's the thing that either exists kind of like in shame and isn't spoken or it's the thing that's out loud.

And then it's like, sometimes you say things out loud, you're like, I've got to change that. I've got to mix this up. Like, now I've said it. It's a real thing. And so I've got to work on it and take action. And also I feel like sometimes the more honest we are on here, the more responses we get from sort of mainly women saying like, oh my God, I feel like I can't believe you said that.

Because I feel like that. And I, and hopefully with like you said, it is quite agendered, but my sexual experience is quite a, probably a gendered thing where it's like women do feel the need to. Because the emphasis has always been the guy comes out of his willy. and then that's the end of the sex. And that's like the only goal of it. And once that's done,

and the timeline is between starting and him doing that, do what I mean? And it feels like so outdated and a sterile way to do it. But it's very difficult to break out of that when that's... The fact that that is the assumed script isn't fun for anyone. No. And it's, I think you're right in recognising

that there is a gender dynamic there and that there's a lot of women historically who've just put up with really crap sex, but also sometimes uncomfortable, painful sex. And that is so not okay. And we really need to rewrite a lot of that. But also for men, that is really perfunctory sex.

It's not that fun. And if you think about what sex looks like without orgasm being the focus, it suddenly becomes more playful and more inquisitive. And I think especially if you have some sort of creative energy in you, which we all do, no matter what, like, if it's linked to your work or whatever, it feels weird that we don't bring that creativity to the way that we have sex. Yeah.

And again, I don't want to lean into the, like, you're not doing sex. Cool or weird enough. Like, that's not like... Oh, God. But I like, I'm happy sharing... Stick your back plastic and some yoga pots and let's go. Dude, the stories I have. But I like sharing the weird stuff I get up to, not.

in a way to make anyone feel bad, but just to go, like, what's your version of this? Because like, off you pop, give something weird a go. I was, I can overshare if you want me to. Please, Ruby, please. As soon as you said the birthday party thing, I was like, should I talk about this? I don't know. I have a very extensive library of like weird erotica and like sex ed manuals from across history. I'm a nerd about this shit.

But I acquired a beautiful self-published collection of short stories by a balloon fetishist. and I read them and I just fell in love with this sweet little man who is upset like loves balloons with such a passion. I've never been into that. I've never looked at a balloon as a sexual object. But I found myself reading this and going, hmm, what's going on here? Like I kind of, I don't get it, but it makes me curious. And so my mate who I sleep with, I message them. I know we're hanging out on Tuesday.

Can I buy some balloons and can we just see what this is like? And we spent an hour, like blowing up balloons and then sitting on them until they exploded. And like the adrenaline rush, like screaming, squealing. It was so silly. It's what I got to that belly laugh where you're cramping and it feels like you've done an ab workout. It's so silly. And then also both of us kept looking each other going, why is this hot? Wow.

I'm not a fetishist for balloons, but it gave me such a deep level. of compassion and understanding for people who are into this. And almost everything that I've given a go out of curiosity, it might not be fully for me, but I leave that experience going, oh, okay, no, I can really see how someone would be into this. Interesting. But also that just sounds like a fun thing.

It was so fun. It was so funny. And that sounds, that's just a brilliant way to spend an afternoon. Yeah. Even if you remove any sort of like sexual element, If it was just like me and someone I want to have sex with, messing about with balloons and sitting on them until they pop and laughing and then fucking,

that is an afternoon of heaven. And already you've got, because I think heightened arousal and climax, you know, you've got that kind of build up and then an explosion, then you come back down again. Laughter and crying do exactly the same pattern. And that is a form of release. Yeah.

I love orgasms. They can be great. But that's not the only way of experience. experiencing that like bodily heightened. Yeah. Yeah. And also big advocate for having a massive cry. And then going, hey, do you want to have sex now? But the laughing one, there's something there because it kind of levels you out. And I would hope would get you to a place that was much more relaxed and trusting. Yes, 100%. And would maybe open someone up a bit to go, oh, actually, no way, I don't, let's not do that. Can we try this or can when you're touching me? Can it be a

bit different, like, even then I'm trying to find it's hard to be specific with your language. Because again, we're so used to just going like, oh, harder, a bit to the left. Instead of going, okay, when you're using your tongue, it's less of a sucking motion and more of a like slow lick up and a flick at the end. Wow. Like what, I can't imagine even having the vocabulary in my own head to say to myself, oh, I'd like this. and then for that to come out of my mouth and for me to tell them.

I can see I'm on a journey. Yeah. But I feel like the idea of that feels a long way off for me. It's okay for that to be a long way off. Yeah. And I think other things felt like a long way off to get to this point.

Like things a couple of years ago felt so far off. Ruby, I think it was like episode, was it too? When we were like, how do you even kiss someone? It's so embarrassing. It makes me feel hot when I think about it. But we come out of these long relationships. And the thought of kissing someone new and how you get to that stage

where I'm just staring them dead in the eyes. We're like, we're never going to kiss anyone ever again. Yeah. There's no way to feel different. And all this stuff is going, oh, that's, I wasn't expecting this. What's going on? If you get out of the game, you can be a bit repulsed by it. It's weird.

Your body can kind of get a bit, like, scared of it. Yeah. But we're back in the game. Congrats. You're playing the game. You're welcome, everyone. Yeah. I mean, not as often as I'd like.

But now and again, I play the game. Dibbing in and out. You've got to get in there and sniff them. Since my divorce, I've had like, very chic, by the way. Thank you so much. Oh, my God. I've been having, like, things that are, like, many relationships that haven't become relationships because they're not my person.

But I haven't had a one-night stand. Like, they've all been people that I've, like, been getting to know in the sense that I would potentially be interested in them for a relationship until it became clear that they weren't a right partner for me. but I joined field and it was a real place where if you're a straight woman and you're looking for validation

I've never had somebody likes in my life I think there's it's like not like the other apps like the other apps you like might get a few a day or whatever like there it's like it's a whole different world and I very nearly met I very nearly met up with somebody

and it was like very clear that it would just be like to meet up and see if there was a vibe and then go to a hotel room. Wow. And it was like a really, like, I really got close to it. And I was like, you know what? I should be using this time in my life to like explore and do those things.

Like, who knows when I could meet my person? And like, now is the time to do this. And it nearly happened once. And I took it out. And then he ended up being busy and I'd already kind of like left before. I'd kind of like chickened out a little bit. And then before he kind of responded. And it's, but then I ended up, I don't know.

I just got a bit overwhelmed with it. And like, I just don't know if I. I don't know how to do that or if that's the right thing for me or how to, yeah, how to do it. I think without, I'm very worried about it. I love that your questions are how. I think I'm very worried about, I've been really lucky to find that they've been like, I think I've consciously gone for guys that I know will be caring and that care about me and are not going to like just be like, ah, better get that Uber booked, you know.

And so, but I think I haven't gone in just being like, oh, this is just sex. I don't need nothing else. Okay. Oh my gosh. There's so much there. This is a rich text. It's a lot of questions. Within a question.

This is brilliant. I love it. Thank you. Yeah. How? Let's try and begin. Let's do this. So I probably won't do this like in order because my brain's just pinging off in loads of different directions.

I think a lot of people who are new to field end up going there for sex. and then if you stick around for longer, they stay for the community. And it's, there are so many ways to connect on there. I've met like housemates on there in the past. No way. Friends. Also people that I've seen in my scene before and then you make a connect. And then it kind of solidifies a friendship or something.

And then I've had long-term relationships. I've had like short-term casual things. It's really, I think, I shouldn't say this in like a bad-mouthy way. All apps like have their place. It's a, it's a lovely ecosystem. But I think field invites much more variety and you really get to choose your own adventure. And that's a beautiful thing. But unless you know how to articulate what you want, it can be a bit scary.

And so it's about, right, how do you find the tools to know who you are right now and what it is you're wanting so that you communicate that well and you find the right. You kind of start those right connections in an online space and then take them wherever you want them to go. go. So it's really nice you going on there thinking maybe something more casual will be interesting for me. And it's that almost is a bit of a like social experiment for yourself. Yeah. Because it's like I'm, every other day is like, oh, I'm looking for my person. And then I don't, but I feel like I don't know if I can have sex and not get attached and be like, this person is just for this thing. I just don't know if that's possible for me because it just hasn't been my pattern. Well, I, I often challenge the idea that casual sex has less fee.

feelings in it. And I think it can be a very beautiful, in theory, it can be an opportunity to exercise care for yourself and for someone else, but without that long-term expectation. But it doesn't mean it's less, I don't like the kind of throwaway transactional nature that a lot of people bring to casual sex because you're still two people sharing a moment together and you know when I when I chat to people like the stories that people have of casual sex being magical for exactly what it is in that moment there's something very liberating about it if you can as you were chatting with these guys of going cool this is a one-time thing we're going to see if there's a vibe and then take it from there and there isn't a little

brackets of being like and maybe we'll fall in love forever it's exactly the back of my mind that's the thing so it's maybe how you shift that yeah oh god this is going to to help but like maybe it could i don't know it's you're kind of those moments are inviting a lot of variables being up in the air and oftentimes when we approach dating we're doing it with an end game in mind and that comes with quite high stakes and quite high expectations of you and also of the other people that you meet and a slightly more casual environment i hope invites not not low expectations, but an invitation to like shelve the high ones. Yeah.

In the same way that you were saying of like, why can I say what I want with this friend? It's because you might not have the script of, well, no, this might be a forever person. And so I have to be on my best behavior and everything has to be magical and perfect. You're kind of, you're allowing yourself to show up in a more real way. But can like the drugs of my body, like I get like, if I break up with somebody, it's like I have to come off the drugs of it. And it's like, I know they're not my person. I know it's the right thing.

but it's like I have to have the calm down afterwards of like, yeah, detaching myself from the thing that you've created. Yeah. And so that's what I don't know how to hold those things. And also it's like a safety thing, I think, of like meeting something. And then I was like, I don't like, it feels like such a big risk. I have a child and I'm just like, you just, I'm always thinking of her of like, oh, I can't make a mistake.

Obviously, no one should think about that. But that's like a thing in my head of I don't want to be irresponsible. Yeah, the safety element is real for everyone, but I think particularly women and people assign female birth, like there are lots of reasons to be scared in the world. And so it's really important. This is my like little housekeeping of like make sure that you have a friend or a trusted person who knows where you are, send an address on. If you're getting into an Uber, like don't just rock up somewhere and not know the address kind of thing. And always have an out. Like it's, that is a really important way of exercising a no.

If something isn't feeling right, you are allowed to say, I'm not feeling this and so I'm going to go. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You can also do the classic, hi, can you ring me and say that there's been a terrible emergency and I have to leave? Because I've done that once before. I did that when I was a life model and I went to some guy's house and it was immediately. I was like, this is Dodge.

This is weird. And I was like, I'm so sorry. My friend's broken their arm and I have to go now. Hi, your house smells like cat food. but we don't want to be in those situations, but there is always this. It's how do you create an environment that feels safe enough that you can switch off that safety thing?

Because again, it's hard to feel sexy and let yourself go if you have that horrible worst case scenario in the back of your mind and you are wise to have that. So if you're not going to be able to drop that, maybe you'd give this a go and it's not, you're not going to be able to have a mindset that invites a nice time. my thought is that if you're worried about that like come down and saying goodbye to the that potential love of your life thing I reckon if you give this a go it might be quite telling to you and be a learning moment of

having feelings without like clinging on to them and not being able to connect without the come down and I there is a part of me I wouldn't I'm not I don't want to tell you what to do and I wouldn't say this to just like any random person but it's telling that there's a curiosity and you've almost dipped your toe in three times. If it feels safe for you, I think it's worth giving it a go. Yeah, interesting. I think I'm maybe an intellect. I mean, not intellectual, what's like a more like basic version of intellectualize? Oh, you can intellectualize.

But I'm like thinking about it too much where it's like, and I think sometimes you have like a fantasy or you have an idea and you think that would be good. But then you kind of think about is that actually a fantasy? that I want to live out or is that something that I just like thinking about? Like I think there's a real distance between what you imagine that you can like and the actual reality of what that is. And how do you know which is real and which is not until you do it? But then you might be doing something that's taking you out of your comfort zone.

Yeah. There was a great study a couple of years ago by someone called Dr. Lay Miller that was about people's fantasies. And there's something novelty and within that a level of anonymity. was something that kept coming up of people really craving difference to what they experienced day-to-day in their sex lives. And sometimes that is a little indicator to try that in your, like to try and make it a reality. But also loads is allowed to exist in fantasy land. And if actually what you want to do is roll that tape of what it looks like meeting up with a stranger and there being a vibe and what going back to a hotel room feels like.

and that being something that exists in your brain and you have control over, like, what a hot fantasy? What a great thing for you to play with on your own. Yeah, I think I worry, I don't know if I'm just like, oh, I should be doing this because I've got this time to explore and I want to be having sex

while I'm waiting to meet the love of my life. But I don't know quite how to make those things align, I think. How? How? Ruby how. Give it a little go. Yeah. I think if you're, if you're, a lot of the way that you're chatting,

it feels like you're quite stuck in your brain of like, but then this and then what? And should I? What's the right thing? You're actually just too smart and I'm really sorry about that. It's going to be a lobotomy for you. I'm going to say, there's no difference. Don't too big.

Like, whatever it is of kind of allowing yourself to get out of your head and into your body. And that doesn't mean going and meeting and shagging people that you've only just met. Yeah, I think that's not what it is. It doesn't need to be that. I don't actually, yeah, it was just an idea. It doesn't need to be that, but maybe there's an in-between. Yeah. And you can have casual sex without it being a one-night stand.

You can meet up with someone and go, this is a vibe check. We're not, this, nothing's going to happen today. But if this works, then maybe let's chat about what hooking up might look like for both of us. And if that feels like it aligns, let's give it a go. Like something intentionally casual but shorter term might be a good. good thing in the middle for you. Because again, it's like the expectation that it should be this glossy Hollywood one-night stand.

Yeah. Or the love of your life. A lot of pressure. There's actually quite a lot in between that. Yeah, that's a bit of a gulf. That's your gulf. I think the idea of going in and saying, oh, a casual, like, even voicing that. Like, I've never voiced to somebody, can this just be a casual thing, you know?

And oftentimes we end up hearing that and it either not being entirely true or going, I'm going to hear you saying that you want this to be casual and I'm going to say in my mind, we'll see about that. Yeah. And, you know, it's not really, we need to be honest and we also need to listen honestly. Yes. And you're saying, no, no, I'm serious. You seem cool.

I want to explore something casual with you. I'm worried about what fucking up my life by falling for their drugs and then ending up with some. Some guy. This is the good. Yeah. But then that's why you need to have friends who say if you're dating someone who's not cool enough, you need to, and I mean cool in a kind, kind, compassionate, like, way. I think we all need to get better at telling our friends that they're dating people who aren't good enough for them.

Yeah. I said that quite quietly, sorry. No, I do agree. It's the issue, though, that then they end up staying with that person. Like, that's the... I know, but I think that's why we need to be bossy of friends and go, I love this. Don't see this one for you. I love you.

Don't see this one for you. Yeah. Wow. Powerful world. Because there's just a lot of mediocre relationships in the world and we all, like there's a real fear of being single and actually there's such beauty and empowerment that comes with existing as a solo for your whole life or for like big stretches of your life or small stretches. And I think there's a fear that keeps people in relationships that aren't fulfilling or happy anymore. Oh, for sure. And I really feel strongly that I want to like gently shake a lot of people. going. I know it feels terrifying, but seriously, you and this other person will be better, happier people when you set each other free. I think I've hinted at things with you. I don't think it's quite been even a shake, but maybe I am. You've said some pretty strong things. You've been shaking with your words. I've been a vigorous shake that it turns out. Did you, was the shake one welcomed? Did you, was

Did you listen to it? At the time, I was like, she is so wrong. She can't be more wrong. This is the first time in her whole life she's been wrong, but she's wrong. And then like two weeks after, I'm like, you were so right. Oh, my God. So my pattern is projecting onto a very mid.

I'd say below mid guy, projecting to such an extent that I'm like, I am not worthy to kiss this man's feet. It's genuinely baffling. It's like... This slug is too good for me. She has man blindness. It's like a crazy thing where she's like...

I don't understand. You're like looking round them. Like this can't be the... This one? This one? Really? Yeah. Okay.

But I... So this is where I'm at. So with my most recent... My most recent crush. It was just a crush. We spent it sort of like two months, I suppose. Chatting a little bit. There was a bit of a vibe.

And then I plucked up the courage on Thursday. to send a very direct message, casual, just being like, okay, I don't know what your situation is, but I think you're, like, funny and hot. And if you want to go for a drink, that would be great. And if not, that's fine. And it took me all the courage I had in my body to send that text. And it is now Monday, and there has been no response. But this is so huge for her to do that.

That's big for me to do that. For you to do that is so huge. It's big. That's amazing. Amazing. And no response. No response is a response. So like, stop.

Stop waiting around. It is like it's, it's not an ideal response, but you do need to just read it as that. Yeah. This does link with a comedy world. I have asked out so many women, queer comedians, you have no idea. Does it work? No. Will it stop me?

No. that I, more than any other category of human, it is I just shoot my shot and it makes me immune to rejection. Yeah, this is it. And it's a really, but it's going to hurt the most. But the way of phrasing it of kind of going,

hey, I hope this is okay to say, I think you're great and I would love to go for a drink sometime if you're dating at the minute. Let me know. And almost always there's a message that comes back that goes, oh my gosh, thank you so much. That's really kind because we're women. Yeah.

Oh, I'm actually seeing someone or I'm not dating or no. Yeah. But, and then I go, oh, that's totally fine. I hope it was like Amy asking. And then, oh my gosh, no, it was really nice to hit. Because, like, people want to be asked out. That's really nice. But it's, and the fear of rejection.

Sorry that you complimented him. Yeah. Sorry that you said two really nice things to him. And you have no idea. You can't project whatever is going on on that end. And actually it doesn't serve you to kind of try and therapies and figure out, be like a detective about what is there. For whatever reason, that's not the one right now.

Who else can you ask out? Just give it a go. It's so fun. Right. Once you really rollerdex, it's just like... How would you ask somebody out? That's it. You just messaged and say, I'd love to go for a drink with you sometime. Well, I don't know. I'd do it in so many different ways, but go, hey, I hope this isn't weird to say, but from afar, you seem fab. I don't know if you're dating at the minute, but if you are and you fancied it, let me know. You're messaging them from like you've seen them on Instagram Sometimes or sometimes a little bit

And it never works It works It worked once last year actually with someone Once is huge And we had And we were dating for like six months And she's amazing It was really loved

And then like that was a beautiful thing That existed But really like shoot your shot And then when it comes back as a no It's not, like the world doesn't crumble. You're just going like, oh, okay, cool. Anyway, off I go. On to the next.

Yes. Yes. That's homework for you. Sorry, I'm really going back to my teacher roots in this. No, we need things. I've never asked a man out in my life, and I never will. None of them are good enough for you. You shouldn't.

Never. No, there are some absolute caucus out there. There are beautiful men out there. But I think it's, meeting them with a level of integrity in yourself and not going cap in hands because we're all, you know. I'm such a cap in hand girl. Please can I organise a birthday party for you? Please can I suck you off, sir?

I know you've been horrible to me and you have a slight body odour, but please sir, please let me give you the birthday body of your dreams. That's my dating life in a nutshell. And you do deserve all that. It's not going to continue. It's not going to continue. It's not going to continue. But I was so proud of myself for asking this fucking guy out and I asked him out because I thought he was nice

and then no response. I feel he's cruel. A no would have been like fat, like I can handle a nerve to suddenly just not message me ever again is mean. But that's because he didn't get any valid education about authenticity or communication and how you respond to that.

So he probably sees that and goes, I don't know what to do about that. I'm just going to throw my phone away and not look at it and not think about it. Oh la la la la la, la. Off I go. And that's, that's frustrating and not ideal for you. But also there's got to be some empathy there of going,

how have we got here that that is the way that adults communicate with each other? That's not great for anyone. That's true. But also just repeat it. Yeah. Yeah. It's never going to hurt as much as this one, you know? Okay.

Well, I've got to. Stand by your phones tonight. There's some green girl pants on now. Everyone's fun. Start us going, oh, I'm just going, what? It's like, we're cousins. And is that a no? Did you communicate?

She's been unleashed. She's been unleashed. I do. I want you to be unleashed. Yeah. I want you to find something in between one night stand and love of your life. It's, you know, there's good stuff here. Yeah.

We're starting from the ground. Yeah. But we've got, but it's good because we're going to grow. Yeah. And it is like, it's the long game. You're not trying to solve. I don't think any of life's like big things to look at and tackle don't change overnight. We're all dragging like our sad, shame-filled little teenage versions of ourselves around with us wherever we go.

And that I have to, I look at teenage Ruby on a daily basis going, oh, hon, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. And also like, I can't. I know wish you weren't still so present, but you are. I've got to be nice about that. But, you know, we were all teenagers and that was hell. It was hell. It's like, it's body horror. It's psychological warfare.

And I think we're all kind of recovering from that and trying to nurture ourselves in a way that we weren't then. And you can't just like jump casually and easily into new experiences all the time. And it's allowed. It's okay for this all to be like messy and complicated. Yes. Thank you so much.

Ruby, do you have any like parting wisdom for anybody that is looking to be more sexually unleashed? Unleashed. Asking for a friend. It's way bare in your accent. Unleashed. It doesn't, it feels a bit weird for me. I, if you are looking for somewhere to start, I think that you guys might have spoken about this before the reflections tool on Fields. Do you know this? I did it with Helen, yeah.

It's okay. Field, well, homework for you. It's incredible. You're behind on your homework. It's a really, really beautiful tool that they've made, which is, you know, remember like Ms. quizzes back in the day? It's like an elevated version of that where you are not necessarily discovering new things about yourself,

but you're having a mirror brought up to you about desires, consent, boundaries, like who you are right now. And I find, I've been doing this for 10 years, I felt really surprised by bits of it that came up for me or very, like, held by it. I think it's brilliant as like inventory to figure out who you are a bit more. It does be good for me. And that kind of bridging the gap between like what you want

and the language to articulate it. Yeah. So, I strongly recommend that. I also, I forgot, I'm going to send. that to both of you. And I'm sorry that we're ending on this note because I don't know if you're going to be able to handle it. But I wrote a zine about like sapphic

lesbian fisting last year. So if you just want to go off into the deep end and learn about something completely new. You can be looking at hobbies. I really would recommend fissing as a hobby. I think it's great. Fantastic. Yeah.

And it's not just for the queer ladies. It's for everyone. But I will, I'll send you a copy of both things. Thank you. This is why you need your pop off nail. Oh, yeah, the nails. Checking out. It's suddenly all making sense.

Everything's aligning. It's fissing and gardening. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Ruby. Ruby wear on Instagram. That's me. Great, amazing. Thanks, love.

Such a pleasure. You've got a lot of homework to do, Amy. Oh, my God. No. No. No. God, no. God, I feel like we were quite,

quite vulnerable there. I know. I said a lot of stuff there, didn't I? Yeah. Slipped in that I... Yeah. I only really like missionary. I don't think I've said that before. I'm not.

I'll do other stuff, but it doesn't feel any good. Really? Yeah. Genuinely, if I am going to have the time of my life, the only thing that I will enjoy is really, really slow missionary.

I need that for about 45 minutes. You are going to like do so well in the retirement home. You're going to be having orgasms all over the place. Okay, so I just got a few years to win. Yeah, it's a few years. Wow, well, it's good to know that about yourself. It's good to know that. I've never, from a different position I never have.

I can have a lovely time. Don't get me wrong in other positions. You just have a lovely time. I can have a lovely time. And I'm like, yeah, that's great. But if you really want me to really have a great time. And we do? And we do.

You must shut up, go very, very slowly for a very long time. And don't you fucking move a muscle? Because I have to really think about this. And if you bring, if there's anything happens, like, takes my attention away. I have to start again. It's like meditating. Do you think it's a stress, it's because of stress that you're there. That's the situation.

or it's just how it is. God, what a good question. Maybe. Because it didn't used to be like that. That you don't, that you feel like you need to like control it. Whereas actually maybe you're not feeling relaxed. Yeah, I don't think I've been relaxed about 15 years. Okay.

I think a lot of this is external stuff. We need to work on to free up some space, I think. Okay. Yes. I've read a bit about cortisol. Yes. And mine is flying high as a kite. High cortisol.

Yes. Yeah. You're in fight or flight. Yes. And yeah. And that's not conducive to good sexy time. No. No, no, no, no.

I must get back into freezing. No. Freeze and form. Just regular. What's normal? That's, well, that's a really good question. I actually don't know. We don't know.

We need to find. If anyone is in a regular cortisol and can explain to us what that should feel like. Please. do let us know. Thank you so much to Ruby. Oh my gosh, she's fantastic. And asking our pathetic questions. And it felt like this season's, how do we kiss?

Yeah. But it's like it's a step up. It is a step up. How do we fist? Hmm. That is a thinker. Okay. Well, join us next week.

We'll ponder on that one and we'll come back to you again. Me again, Amy Gled Hill. But this time, I'm with. Not Harriet Kemsley. Whoa. W.T. Fuck.

What's going on? I'm with bloody Ian Smith. Off a Northern News podcast. Yes, a podcast. That's not about the news. Don't worry single ladies. No, it's not about the news. It's not about being single.

No. It's about the North. And all of our stories are about couples. That is not the truth, Ian. No, not technically true. It's weird stuff. It's funny stuff that's going on at me. North that we're reporting back on.

Things like pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire Village and attacking children. Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in Bathmat. And we've got special guests. We're talking about people like Phil Wang, Jessica Nappit, Ed Campbell and Ross Noble. Whooo! Whoo! Yeah! That's Northern News wherever you get your podcasts.