Single Ladies In Your Area - MAN-ifesting the perfect man

Episode Date: May 16, 2025

This week Harriet and Amy are MAN-ifesting their ideal partners, and consider questions like: could you date someone with different political views to you? Is caring about the NHS a dealbreaker? And is there anything hotter than a man who can return your parcels for you? (Answer: no)Harriet is performing her critically acclaimed stand-up show Everything Always Works Out For Me at the Leicester Square Theatre on Thursday 12 June 2025. For tickets and information head to harrietkemsley.com.We want to hear your dating stories! Email in at [e-mail] Single Ladies In Your Area on Instagram @singleladiespodRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Artwork by Welcome Studio. Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley. You might have heard my podcast, Single Ladies in Your Area, or seen me on Amazon's Last One Laughing. I'm so excited to be doing my last ever, well not ever, last ever this year UK tour date of my show, Everything Always Works Out For Me, because last year it didn't, at the Leicester Square Theatre on June 12th. And you can get tickets at harrietkemsley.com. Oh, we'd absolutely we're back out there. We're desperately trying to figure out what the hell we should be doing.

So we're going to speak to experts, chat about dates we've been on... If we manage to get any... And share your tips and horror stories... So we all feel less alone. We might even get our exes on. Yeah, we'll see about that. This is... Single Ladies in Your Area.

OK, so we're just going to manifest all of our dreams and make them come true, you think? Hello! Hello! Straight to business, manifest. I don't have time for hellos, Amy. I'm a manifesto these days. Please. This is exciting. We're going to manifest. Yes. Do you manifest? No. I started to do goals and stuff this year for the first time. Nice. We're Sophie Willen, our former guest, is so good at this kind of stuff. And the plan is we're going to make big vision boards, but it is already well into the year. We haven't done that yet, but we're going to really visualize November. But it was like kind of like going through last year and then thinking about what worked and what didn't and looking at this year. And so like kind of like self-reflection that was quite nice.

That's nice. Yeah, she's got like a whole book of it. It's really good. Really? Yes, you like go through steps and look at things and it's like, yeah, it's good. So often you're like not really thinking about, you're just trying to get on and it's quite good

to have a moment just to like think about what you want and put it out there. Well, that's what we're gonna do. Are you gonna manifest? No, but I'm gonna do it today. And then if it works, I'm never gonna stop. Oh, everybody watch out. So we're using our manifesting powers for evil in this episode. Yeah. We are man-festing little men for us. We just want some little men.

We don't want some little men. No big deal. Just some little men, no big deal. Some little men. Just some little men to keep us warm. Oh God, we've got to aim higher than that. Tiny men. Tiny men. Tiny hot men, as in temperature. Yes, warm men.

Tiny warm men. We just need hot water bottles. Yes. That's all we need. Oh, that'd be so nice. I think maybe just because we're a bit chilly, that's all we're thinking about. Yes, I think that's true. She's a warm man.

A few friends of mine recently have been getting like saunas, which just feels like the most like indulging, but like, Saunas? Not like cool thing. Yeah, they've been getting saunas in there. I thought you said saunas. Oh, saunas, like vaginal saunas. Yeah, it's like, okay. A few friends of mine have been getting soreness. I want a piece

of that pie. Mine not sore at all. Never been healthier. Thriving. Ship shape. Open for business. It's like one of those gift shops that no one goes in. Every day I put up the sign, open, just stand behind the desk, just looking out. End of the day, five o'clock, turn the sign. Better luck tomorrow, maybe. Every day, just put everything in the shop, down another penny, just in case.

Still nothing. Okay. Standing at the window window just staring out. Anybody? Hello. No one's even passed. But no, they've been getting saunas. And I think that's a real like, because I think you feel like cold and saunas do that. They make you feel warmer. I'm here with a big thoughts. You've got a pen and paper at home, do write that down. But like physically being cold, it's like you're alone. Yes.

Like, and so feeling warmer, like. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. I've been to a nighttime outdoor sauna. Ooh. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Yeah, they've started to pop up around the place.

It's a cool thing to do. Yeah, and it's very good for you. And I think, yeah, what I'm saying is we're cold. And so we're looking to be warmed externally, but we can warm ourselves. Big Sauna. We are sponsored by Big Sauna. Big Sauna. We're in the pockets of Big Sauna. Guys, please, it's so hot. Please let me out.

We are so bad in the Saunas. Yeah. So guys, I really recommend the Saunas. You got to get out there. But we're not talking about Saunas today. We're not. Get off my back, big Sauna. Get off her back. We're going to manifest. Yeah. So this is something that I've heard from a few different places is like a really good way of like setting your in. It's not like your intentions, I guess, but it's like putting out into the universe and making like a list of like exactly what you want in a partner. And then I've seen like loads of TikToks where they're like, I found everything on my list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a friend who did a love spell. Yeah. And she bought this love spell off someone that she knows. But part

of it is writing out exactly what you want. And she was like, you have to be so specific. And then she found like within a week or something, this guy who was everything on the list, but like, she was a frog, but he was a frog. She didn't put not frog. Yeah. She should have put human man. Yes, we've really got into the, get into the little details. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think, yeah, we need to just be specific and intentional.

Okay. And her and the frog, they're happy together. Oh, they're so happy. They're married. They've got a gorgeous little baby. Yeah. Well, what do we do? Let's write these lists.

Right, come on, man. Right. Human man. Human not frog. Oh, what do we do? Let's write these lists. Right. Come on, man. Right. Human, human, human, not frog. Oh, not even. Amphibian, not amphibian. Human. I think I might just put mammal just in case there is like a really lovely dog. Dog. You know, I just want a dog. Oh, God. At least that's what it's saying.

She's like, I want them to be a good boy. Goodbye, wet nurse, wagging tail. A human man. Okay, what I want. Okay, yes, so yes, we put down exactly what we want. So this is something that I was thinking that I wanted. It's like trying to think of things that aren't like, yeah, obviously everyone wants that.

You know what I mean? You're like, oh, kind, boring. We do need to put it. We should write that down. Absolutely. Yeah. Kind. Kind isn't top of the list. Kind. And also like something that I want that maybe comes under kind a little bit is like generous. Like I really like it. Like they don't, I don't need someone to have loads of money. That's not something that I'm looking for is like big yachts or whatever. But I really like it when someone is really generous. And so like, if somebody needs something, like they just sort them out. And I love it when someone like pays for dinner for everyone or like, like is like, Oh, I've got this. And I guess you have to have a certain amount of money

to be able to do that. But like just that generosity where they're putting kind of like. But it's like just sharing what they have. Sharing what they have. Yeah. They don't have to have more than anyone else. Yeah. But they're sharing. It's a match. I wrote a list. Shall I share my list? Yes, please. Because I already did this a while ago. Has not come true yet, but this I wrote on a note app on my phone. Okay. So that probably doesn't count. Makes me laugh so much. That's huge. Finds me funny. Yeah. And makes me laugh. That's huge. Yeah. We're going to have the same list. Are we going to disagree about anything you think? I think they'll be, yeah, but I mean kind and funny. We can't be like, oh, that's my idea, bitch. I think, hey, back off Amy, actually. I like a guy who's kind. Call me

crazy. That kind guy is my guy.. You know he's my type. You know that I like a kind guy. I just said the same thing that you said. I was just laughing, I wanted to keep it going. So I was like, yeah, it's just fun to keep it going, but I didn't say exactly what you said. So yeah. I mean, I want a guy that, you know, it was like a fun back and forth, but then you started writing. Yeah, that's good.

I'm so sorry. That's fine. I couldn't think of anything new to add to it. Like if you're going to join in, you got to add something new. I just kept it at the same level because I was enjoying myself, but I didn't have anything new to add. You can count on me if you want. I like a kind guy. I mean, you know, I want a kind guy.

I want the kind guy. Come on. A stable job that he's passionate about. Interesting. You see, we don't disagree, but a stable job. Hate passion. I love passion. I love passion. I love passion. I'm having them. I'm not so bothered about a stable job. In fact, I find it quite attractive

when they don't have a stable job. Is that weird? I think because I've been with people without stable jobs and I've realized now I just love having the day on my own. I just love having space on my own that I can come back and have like a bit of time to get like, as my mom would say, get straight. I just love, I love to get straight. Get everything straight. Get it all sorted, get it straight. And I don't necessarily want someone there in the day, in the week. I want them to have a job that they're passionate about. Ideally, like I think doctor. I think that's, I think being a doctor is so hot. I know the NHS is not hot as a concept, but like being a doctor that like saves people like that's so hot. An NHS doctor has got to be one of the hottest jobs of all time. Like a private doctor.

I'd be like, yeah, good for you being a doctor, but come on. Maybe they work private one day a week. Oh, let them work private one day a week. But they won't give up their regular days with the NHS. Do you know what? I'm going to put passionate about the NHS on my list. Because I think I really need, if somebody wasn't bothered about the NHS,

I don't think I could love them. I do appreciate they might not be around much. That's fine with me. You say you don't want them to be around. I want distance. If they had a job at sea, maybe they were a sea doctor. Oh, that's fair. I'm a marine biologist, I'm thinking of.

If they- That's so different. They're two wildly different jobs. Is it a sea doctor isn't it? I guess. Like a medic at sea, like on a cruise ship or like in the Navy. I don't know if I want a cruise doctor. Oh my God, you're so specific about what kind of doctor.

But we have to be specific. This is great. Yeah, but a cruise. Do you know what I mean? Like I don't want a cruise doctor. He's just padding around the cruise and his flip flops and he's like, don't worry guys, I've got this, you know, going to the buffet. Like he's not, that's a private doctor, you know, like he's in the pocket of like big ferries. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't want that guy. Big ship energy. Yeah, he's flirting with all the, all the old women and being like, you know, like, just dealing with a lot of sunburn. There is a program about this with Joshua Jackson, who played Paisley. Yes, Amy, I know Joshua Jackson. Was he a formative crush for you like he was for me? Yeah, he's pretty good. There's a program where he plays a cruise doctor and he's so fit in it. Are you serious? Yeah.

What is the program? Doctor Odyssey. Doctor Odyssey. Yeah. And it's the program set on a cruise. Yeah. Well. And he comes in to go everybody.

Yeah. Well, it combines my two favorite things, which is, oh my God, I love house. You know, if Hugh Laurie, I think Hugh Laurie is so fit, FYI. I think, oh, I think he's wonderful. And Dr. House or Sherlock Holmes or, basically I love watching programs where men solve things

and they're arseholes, but everyone goes, wow, you can't keep me away from these programs. I love them. And now you've injected into my favorite television format, Joshua Jackson. away from these programs, I love them. And now you've injected into my favorite television format, Joshua Jackson. He comes in, he's a bit of a maverick, he's a bit of an asshole.

He's new on the ship, the other people are like, hey, hey, hey, who's this Dr. Odyssey? His name is Dr. Odyssey. It can't be, it's short, but the program is called Dr. Odyssey. It's good. But they're just going around on the cruise ship. Yeah.

And it's just people on the cruise. Well, I've only watched a couple of episodes. It's not good. Should I write Joshua Jackson on my list? Has to love Dr. Odyssey. That's a deal breaker, I'm sorry. Do you know what? For me, has to enjoy television.

Doctor Odyssey. Has to enjoy television, yeah. Because I have had boyfriends that are like snobby about it and like, oh, I only watch film and you're like, oh, get a life. And see, I don't need that. I want to watch, like some shows I want to watch on my own, they're my shows. Okay. Some shows I want to watch together, they can be our shows, but I don't need to watch

everything together. Oh, I don't need to watch everything together, but I don't like the judgment of like, yeah, that's fair. Oh, what have you been watching? And I'll be like 25 episodes of a show I've already seen. And they'll be like, huh, that sounds sad. And I'm like, yeah, it does, but.

I think what you mean there is not an asshole. Oh, right, should I put that down? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put that, yeah. Has a printer that they can use. You fucking love this. I'm going to buy you a printer for Christmas. I don't want the responsibility for printer. Amy, that is the worst gift you could have got me.

You don't know me at all, Amy. I want somebody to handle my printing needs. How much are you printing on a daily basis? I print something like once a year. It seems to be like the biggest stress in your life is your printing needs. Once a month, I have to send back a package and I would say it takes up 90% of my month. I'm trying to work out how to get the label, where to get it printed, where I need to go, what I put in the bag. Somebody that can handle my printing needs.

Or someone that can handle your package needs. That's what I want. Yeah, that's what I want. I want a carer. I'm putting that carer. Assistant. Maybe like I just need an assistant. Yeah, I want a dog and a carer and I'd be so happy. Yeah, I would like an assistant. Yeah, I want a dog and a carer and I'd be so happy.

Yeah, I would like an assistant. Yeah. Like a PA that could also do like babysitting duties. Oh my God, that'd be so good. Yeah. Gets up in the morning. Okay. What, by what time? Do you have a specific time?

But like that has that energy where they just jump out of bed and they go and make me a cup of tea. I think I've said this before, but I like that. Like, like, like, yes. Wow. Oh, that's cool. Because I think because other because I want to be the last in bed. It's all about you being on your own. It's me being on my own with somebody bringing me things for me. Me being on my own with somebody bringing me things or doing things for me. It's all, I don't want him to be there during the week. I don't want him to be in bed when I'm awake. I don't want him to watch TV with me.

I think you want to be single. I think you're living your best life. But I'm not because I can't handle these fucking packages. Amy, I'm telling you. But I'm not because I can't handle these fucking packages. Amy, I'm telling you. This is something somebody could genuinely improve my life by 70% if they could do these things. I agree. Come in, go out in the day, but then come back.

And while you're off at work, take my packages and please deliver them. When you come home from being an NHS doctor, you're exhausted beyond belief. Can you just like print out labels for my packages and get them to the post office? I know you lost a life today. We've all had hard days. I've been watching Doctor Odyssey. Take this package back. My packages, it's so stressful.

Imagine if I do meet somebody that is like, I'm so good with packages. Imagine if I find that person. Oh, I know that's so exciting. They could be out there. I'm so bad with packages as well. Currently. Amy, that's my thing. I think this is where we will act, because it is niche, but I also, I struggle so much.

Yeah, it's really hard. Well, could we get like a joint assistant or something? Let's keep growing this podcast and then maybe we could hire somebody that could just like deal with this stuff for us. Yeah, I think we- Just every two weeks. I think our output, like career wise, would be like improved so dramatically by not having to deal with this stuff.

Yeah. So this might not be what we want in a partner, but what we want in a paid assistant, in a paid employee. Maybe they're different things. Who knows? Okay. It's brilliant with Mabel. Obviously no brainer.

It's like fun with her, but also gives us our space where we can just be together. Again, you should talk to go with! But I think it's my big fear someone will come in like me and Mabel Tome is like so precious, most precious thing in the whole world. And I don't like when other people are like encroaching on our time because I'm like, this is my time with her. And so thinking of someone being there in our space, it's difficult to imagine someone good enough to like be there, to warrant a place. Yeah.

Yeah, it is interesting how I keep saying that by accident. I don't want them to be there. It's curious about the world. I find that really attractive. I really like it when somebody like has like information about the world that not just stuff they've gone down a rabbit hole on Twitter, but where they know about what's happening

in different countries and they bring me information. Look, I've got my own information. A lot of it is not factual. I can bring my own. But I like somebody that is curious and wants to know about things, isn't just like, I just want to know about football. You know?

Yes, informed. And they're open and they want to know about things isn't just like, I just want to know about football. Yes, informed and like that they're like open and they want to know about things that don't directly just involve them. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. That's real hot. It talks to me directly. It's not like passive aggressive. Like we have really good communication. Like I really like to over talk everything. OK, somebody that will go down that path with me, but also stop it in its tracks.

Okay, that's quite specific. So we can start down a path, but when they're like, no, we're just on a loop here and we're feeding your anxiety, everything's okay. We stop, we're all good. Oh, that's really good. Does that make sense? Yeah, so that's almost like knowing you so well

that they can, with empathy, like, manage your anxiety. Yeah, like I've got anxiety, I've got it down or whatever, but sometimes it can spiral. And I've seen this with friends, sometimes where anxiety can become like a spiral together where you're in this anxiety loop and you're both in it. So I need somebody that is probably, I think, I think I do want the opposite of me, someone that is not anxious, that is like logical. Is that the opposite of anxious?

It's the opposite of me. Okay. The opposite of me. I can just be like, no, that's not true. Everything is okay. Someone that checks the doors, someone that checks the doors and locks the doors. That's what I want that says, Harriet, you've turned the fire off. It's all good.

Again, this is an assistant. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, someone who's like in control of things. I just, I shouldn't be in control by default. I'm in control. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Someone else to be in control, but not controlling. But not controlling. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's really good. You got to get in there and sniff them.

What do you want? Dog. Dog. Doggy. Someone could have a dog. You might meet somebody with a dog. No, because I'm allergic. It would be hell if they actually had a dog. I have a hyperallergenic dog. Oh, I'm still allergic. There's no dog in this land I'm not allergic to a bit. So if they had a dog. But I'm allergic to cats and I had cats like, oh yeah, my eyes would be streaming.

But yeah, you just, you just go on with it. I've had pets all my, my parents got me a dog. We found out I was allergic and then they got another dog. My, I think I've, have I said that this is where my parents keep buying dogs I'm allergic to and I keep saying, could we just get a dog I'm not allergic to? And they get a dog and I have to go stand outside for some of the day. Yeah. And I'm just looking through the window like, please. There are dogs available that I'm not allergic to. This is a choice you're making.

Yeah. And they go, we're taking what you're saying into consideration. And then they buy a long haired dog. Well, the dogs that we got was when I was in primary school, we got a puppy and I was like, oh, I can't breathe. Then they're like, oh, that is bad. It does look lonely though. Should get another long haired dog. No. Yeah, OK can't breathe. Then they're like, oh, that is bad. It does look lonely though. Should get another long hair dog. No.

Yeah, okay. Double it. Double it. And then I had a boyfriend who had a cat and we moved in together and he brought his cat. He should have left it with his ex-girlfriend. We brought a cat and the cat wouldn't sleep on its own. And I was like, it can go anywhere in my flat,

but just not in the bedroom because I need a room to breathe. Please can I have a room to breathe? I think you're a bit too demanding in a relationship. I think you need to lower your expectations. You know, that's what people are saying. Your expectations are too high. You want too much, Amy. Please can I just breathe in the bedroom? Would that be okay? Just one room I can breathe in. Please. I can't have the kitchen or the toilet or the hallway or the bedroom or the living room.

Just one room. Just one room to breathe. But the cat wouldn't sleep on its own. So if we shut the bedroom door, it'd go, all night. So he had to go and sleep in the spare room with the cat, which is ideal for you. I had the room to myself every night. I like to be with them. I do. I like a cuddle. I want to sleep next to them as long as they don't snore or smell. Then I like them next to me, but I want them to just be propelled

in the morning. I want them to be like, up excited for the day. Yeah. Not like I'm like, come on, let's come on. We got to go. Everybody is trying to get cracking, you know, like somebody that is like getting me up, maybe. Oh, that's nice. Oh, but I don't like that. There was a boyfriend that had who was very good and very like active. And I and I said, you're like a and I said you're like a Christian camp in America, you're like one of them. I felt like he was waking up a bisque, had a whistle like let's start the day, let's go for a walk and I'm like oh fuck off, let's lay in bed and

watch Doctor Odyssey, what do you mean go for a walk? Come on, it's 8am, let's start the morning. Oh, let's start the morning. Oh, I don't want that. Okay, that's weird. That's why we're different. I want them, I don't necessarily want to go on the walk. You want them to go on a walk and leave you alone. I want them to be up and out of my fucking house immediately on a big walk.

Big walk likes big walks. And then they can get me a coffee and bring it back. Oh, there you go. How outdoorsy slash indoorsy do you have like a preference there? I would, I mean, this is like this feels like it's aiming too high or too specific. If they snowboarded, even if they skied, that would be like, that's not too specific. That's great on the cake to have somebody to go over a year. And like, that would be like crazy. What if it was someone who didn't

have them skills yet, but was like keen and like up for learning? Amazing. Oh, well, this is, this is 100% a thing that you can achieve. It's like my, it's my one hobby or interest. Yeah, okay. It's my one interest. It's my, yeah, if they did that and I just find them magical. I just find that out. It's like completely magical and it would just be so romantic to go there with somebody that also felt the same way about it.

That's lovely. That's a really cool thing. Yeah, that's nice. Whereas I want someone who's not too outdoorsy. I like indoorsy boys. So again, it's like a house cat kind of thing without any hair. What if you got like a house husband? What's that mean? So like you were like the breadwinner. You went out and you did the work. And then you

just had like a man at home who could like just be at home and do all the stuff at home that you needed. I'd love that more than anything else in the world. Really? Yeah. Because I think most women that I know do not want that. But that you'd like. Why? They do your packages.

You come home, they've done your packages. If he could make me a meal, it doesn't even have to be a good meal. Just any food, a sandwich. If he did my packages and made me a sandwich, I would happily do all the work. I would work every hour of every day. I cannot look after myself. So if I came home, it is a carer. But I a carer that you're looking for. Yes. But I see, I want all of those things, but I want them to also have a full-time job when they leave. Like, I want it to be my space. Like, I want to decorate it. I want them to be like, oh, it's not my thing. I don't have any taste. You know what I mean? Like, or maybe- They don't have any taste. They don't have

any opinions. No, they do have opinions and taste, but they differentiate to mine and they go, oh, it's just not my kind of thing. The worst is when they come with ideas. They come with ideas and they say, what do you think about this picture? And it's a no. It's always a no. And so don't come with it. Just don't come with it.

Differentiate to mine. Bring opinions and ideas that we can discuss, but then go, oh, look, it's not my warehouse. It's up to you. Right. And then they leave immediately. They go, I have to go save some lives. I don't have time to deal with the curtains. You pick out the curtains. Great. I'll pay for them. Yeah. And I'll handle the delivery and the return if needed. Yes. Yes. But you pick them. Yes.

While I go and leave you for 10 to 12 hours now. Yes, yes. Okay, and then next weekend we're going to the Alps. Yes. Yeah, this is great. This is a great life. But the thing is, cause I would like a wife, like a traditional like wife,

they get something that is like- Like a trad wife, we want trad wives. We do want trad wives, but I don't want them at home all the time. That's tricky to be a trad wife, not in the home. A working trad wife husband professional. Yeah. Who snowboards. And is curious about the world. Yeah. I definitely think you can get a lot of that. I think the NHS doctor come servant is going to be tricky dynamic just time wise. They like giving. They like giving. They've got so much energy. That's why they're up

and out. Yes. Yes. And they've been using their brain all day. They want to switch off, do some drudgery. I saved the trolls for him. He actually likes it. He finds it soothing. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Because I'm still making money. I'm still doing my stuff.

Like I'm still working. Like, are we equally helping the world? Agree to disagree. And I'll do my stuff. I'll do some stuff. But I can't be in charge of certain things. Yeah, I get that. I get that. We want to share the load. Yeah, the load to be so yeah, that's it. It's just finding the things you're good at and

the good things you're not good at. Yeah, like I'm good at getting it straight. Yeah, you can get it straight. I can get it straight. Get somebody else to do the things outside. Yeah, I'm not good at the bins and I know that's such like a, oh women don't like to take the bins out. For me, I have to take the bins out and then I have to go outside and then there's like a little outhouse thing, which I can never open the door of. And when you get in, it's pitch black and I'm so afraid of spiders.

It's like a traumatic situation for me. I want someone to do the bins. And also all the other chores. Also they're stinky. Like I want somebody to do the stinky jobs. If we were doing it, it would cause us like six out of 10 discomfort. Whereas if they were doing it,

it might just be like one out of 10 discomfort. So it's not parity if we're both doing it 50% of the time because it's like, I find this real hard and you don't like it, but you don't struggle. There's this great game, I can't remember what it's called but it's like about splitting the load. And so you go through and you each kind of like pick a thing that you don't mind doing.

And then you do the things you don't mind doing. Like, I don't mind like tidying up. Like I like to listen to a podcast and tidy up. Or I don't really mind doing the washing too much. Like if I'm not too busy, like I don't mind doing this kind of stuff. And so it's like, oh, I'd do those things. They do packages and bins. Yeah. We want a package and bin man. Been up too much this weekend. I want someone who can like arrange things. I've got a desk in my house. I don't want. What do I do with it?

How do I get out of my house? I don't want it. You actually could just put it on the street because often people want that stuff. Yeah, that's what people, someone will take it. They'll get a free desk. Just want it. You actually could just put it on the street because often people want that stuff. Yeah, that's what people, someone will take it. They'll get a free desk. Just try it. Just put it outside for a few hours. I bet someone will take it or with a note saying, take me.

Do you think? Yeah, people will love that. It's free desk. Well, should I sit outside with a note saying, take me? Free to good home. That would be so sad if you were next to the desk and the desk went first. Oh no. No, God. Free to good home! That would be so sad if you were next to the desk and the desk went first. Oh no!

No, oh god. I got to do an intimate scene. I know. Only slightly intimate, but a little bit intimate. And I had to have a talk with the intimacy coordinator on the phone. Oh, they've heard about you. Yeah. And they've looked into the podcast like she doesn't know it's a case, she's not going to be able to manage this.

And I had to say about the actor I'm doing it with, I had to be like, and have you spoken to him and is he okay with it all? Because I was thinking, imagine if he was unwilling to kiss me in a professional situation and is being paid for it. Imagine if he was just like, no, I'm not up for that. I think that would be the most crushing thing. Yeah, but luckily we've both said like, oh, yeah, if we talked to the director and it seems like it's going that way, that's fine. But I was like, imagine if he was like, no. I can't imagine that because why wouldn't they be like, woohoo?

Obviously they'd be like, oh, this is a great day's work. I'm getting paid. I'm doing acting. I get a kiss, Amy. That's, that is hard. That I can't, that logic I can't get on board with. Yeah. I was like a knot in my stomach waiting for this call.

Cause I thought she was going to be like, oh, he's not up for, he's not up for it. Even though it's his character and he's an actor and he's being picked in this professional situation. I was like, oh, she's gonna say no. And I was like, that would be the worst rejection I've ever had. It's like your job, you're being paid. And there's people like, do you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean.

I guess I want a guy who flirts with me. Yeah. Just has a little twinkle in their eye now and again. And is excited to make me happy or laugh or. What if they liked doing that, but every time they did it, they went, hee hee hee. He's very specific, isn't it? Do you know this guy?

Is this something that's happened to you? He makes you happy and then he's like, heee! Heee! Would you like that? I wouldn't love it. No, I wouldn't love that. But I could look past that.

Yes, yes. If he had all the other things on the list, which so far I've only written kind sharing, passionate about the NHS, not an asshole carer. So if it was all them things, and did hee hee hee, I could look like that for sure. Yeah, that's it, like a little kiss when they walk past you.

Oh yeah, or just like, just being like, Oh, she's doing a shimmy. Oh yeah, just like, a bit of non, like you know how much I love talking nonsense. It's my favorite thing. I'm glad you finished that word, because you said the first half of the word and then you stopped. Oh, sure.

Oh, Christ. Christ alive. No, no, no. That's going on the do not want list. Yeah, great, great, great, great. Controversially. That's on my list. Don't copy him there.

I want a kind man who's not a pitiful. Don't copy him there! I want a kind man who's not. Peter Fiala! Don't love him! Yeah, I'm putting playful. I'm going to write playful. I really like a playful guy. Sorry, I got that as well. No, you can't put that. You can't copy him. Too late. Too late. Like a playful guy. I like someone who's creative. I find that so attractive and I kind of wish I

didn't sometimes because I think it sort of limits you to a very specific type. I found it attractive but I think I'm going to train myself not to. Interesting. I think that's great. I don't want it anymore. I want somebody that makes plans and is like logical and practical. I don't don't, I don't want creative anymore. What's their creative in? Woodwork. In woodwork.

Yes, putting up shelves. Yes. Oh yeah, DIY can go on the list. Yes. DIY. Yeah, creative in helping me achieve my goals. Oh, we're back to task rabbit men again. Uh oh. Oh, back to task rabbit men again. I like someone who's deep, who's a deep thinker, but it's quite tricky because I like both

ends of the spectrum. So I like absolute garbage nonsense talks, silly, silly, silly. But then also talks about the big yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's like, yeah, really introspective and deep and thinks about the big, yeah, yeah, yeah. But is like, yeah, really introspective and deep and thinks about the universe and why we're even here and human existence. Also someone that'd be good if there was like an apocalypse or something, somebody that would be like, would have a plan

and be like, we've got to go, I've got the bag, let's, we're going here. Yeah, that is hot. Oh my God, someone who would, if they had to, and only if they had to, would perform an act of violence for you. Ooh. Like I, do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's hot.

Like that is toxic and that is hot. But I'd like someone who like never ever ever gets into fights has a lovely even temperament. But if they have to they're not scared to just be like buddy. You're in the wrong step back. Yes. You know. Yes. And yeah like a really like a really good like a really calm temperament.

They would never ever start a fight but but they just wouldn't be terrified. They're on the side of right. They're on the side of right. They're like a justice, they don't like injustice. Yes. And they will stand up for it. Standing up for what's right is so hot. Oh, that is hot.

Okay. Especially if it's violent. Standing up for what's right right and then violence question mark. I don't want, I've written comedians, below that I've written, if I don't know if they like me, like if you ever and... Oh God, the age old predicament. The age old predicament. I think that was something with my marriage.

It was so lovely. Like I knew that we really did like, I knew that that was there and that was like so nice. You can kind of relax in that way. And that is something that I really want in a partner. Like somebody that's not like, you know, like sometimes people can like go quiet or like, you're trying to second guess what they're thinking.

Or you're like, do they actually like, like me, like sometimes people can like go quiet or like you're trying to second guess what they're thinking. Like, do they actually like, yeah, like, like me if I do this or like I have to be something else for them. Like, no, I want to be able to be completely myself and for them to just the more I myself, the more they like me. Oh, accepting. Full acceptance. Full acceptance of all that we are. Yes. And transparently, openly loves you. That's really good. Amy, we've got to get out there. What if they introduced you to people as my little bitty girlfriend? My little bitty girlfriend. Is this the hee hee hee hee? This is my little bitty girlfriend.

He's got all the things, but he says, it's my itty bitty girlfriend. In that voice? Yeah, in that voice. Oh, I don't know about this guy. But he's got all these things, Amy, but he he just says it's my itty bitty girlfriend. There is a boy I've got a crush on who is a bit like this. Just a bit like this. Okay, so you like it? I guess. You like it? Yeah, I get along with it. Add it to the list! Itty bitty girlfriend! Get it on the list! Okay, what if every time you went somewhere there was a puddle and he went, oh I've got to jump in the puddle. Then he went and jumped in the puddle but like so much that like he

then like got covered in mud. That'd be very embarrassing but it also is the behavior of a dog. So you know my type. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What if when he saw a shit, he like rolled in it? What is the most toxic thing you could put up with if they were perfect in everywhere? Could you go out with someone who has like

the opposite political leanings to you? The difficult thing there is a lot of my family have the opposite political leanings to me. And so since I was like eight years old, I've been completely the opposite of everyone I love. Yeah. Like in every way, like even like being vegetarian, like they were farmers, like I just came out and it was like, this person is completely different. And so I think I may be as there was a lot of tension, let's say my 20s of trying to persuade people to think differently. And then now I maybe have

some understanding that they have different political thinking, but in most cases we do think the same. Like they just think that that party is aligned to them. And actually they're kind and good and they just, they grew up and they think that's what's right. So I think it would depend in what capacity they were at Tory. We said it, we said it. We were skirting around it. What do you do to Tory?

What about you? No, I couldn't. Yeah. I could be friends with them. I'm sure I'm friends with them. Yeah. Real secret Tories out there. I don't like, it would be very difficult and it would be, yeah.

I don't know how I would. Yeah. I don't know who would be that I could then. Like they would have to be so kind and generous in other ways. I guess because I, it's so difficult, isn't it? Because like you, I've got like kind, generous, loving family who are very different politically to me. And I know that they're good people,

but I just feel like I couldn't be attracted to someone who like wasn't interested in fairness and like helping the poor and the vulnerable. That's I think about talking to them about what they like because in some of my, like they do want all those things. They just think it has to be led by a certain person with a certain, it's not about the politics, it's about the fiscal, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah. They believed what was on the side of the

bus. They are passionate about the NHS, but they don't understand that's not. I have to categorically say nobody in my close family voted for Brexit. I just have to say that. Nobody in my immediate family. Yeah, on the board. On the board of my immediate family, maybe. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I could.

Also, I don't know if I could personally date someone who was like, religion was very, very important to them. Whatever religion that was. I could. Really? I'm thinking too many thoughts, let someone else take over. Scientology so you can do packages.

Yeah. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. I don't know, like I think if someone really, like I think there is something quite romantic or like magical about spirituality. Like spirituality I could probably get on board with, something quite romantic or magical about spirituality. Spirituality, I could probably get on board with, but an organized religion, if they were like,

a big part of my life is diverted to whatever God, I'd just be like, oh no, I don't believe it, and maybe this will be awkward. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. I think I like the idea of a God. And so it'd be quite helpful for me to kind of like streamline that.

Okay. Like a specific thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, I don't, yeah, I think, yeah, I think that would be a, that would be a hard, like I wouldn't just be like, oh, I guess this is the one for me now. You know, I met this person.

It is hard to kind of understand that. I'm Hindu now, by the way. Are you? Yes. Yes. When did that happen? Tuesday. Amy update. Second date. I'm now Hindu. OK, all right. Sorry, Amy. New news since Tuesday.

I am now of the Buddhist face. Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. A new guy. They're taking a new path. But then again, the hot priest in Fleabag. Well, this is it. And then also Adam Brody and Nobody Wants This. And she talks about...

He's a rabbi, right? He's a rabbi. And she talks about converting to Judaism and then like, oh, that's, that's hot. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I don't, I don't know if Renegin would be a deal breaker. I think. Okay. Yeah. If they were always like banging on about Jesus or something. Don't think our mother Mary would like it if you said that. Like I'd find that a bit icky. Yeah. And I say, oh God, so much, if that was a problem. Yeah, if every time they went, oh, blasphemy.

Yeah, I didn't like that. My itty bitty girlfriend just did a bit of blasphemy. Oh, fuck off, get back in that puddle. No, no, no, God no. Okay, what if they had really tiny hands? That's fine. Okay, what if they had- What if they had really long toenails?

It's hard, isn't it? They could be cut. Yeah, but what if they grew really fast and just every time you looked at them, they were just really long? I would find that really hard. I find that really hard. What if they had horns?

I'd be alright with horns. Add it to the list. Horns, deep, last thing I wrote was deep, deep horns. Okay, horns, yeah. I'd be alright with horns, like little horns on the head. That's what I was thinking. Yeah, I'd be fine with that. If they were perfect in every way and they got a bit of gristle coming out of the skull,

I'd be fine with that. I'd be fine with that. I'd be fine with that. I'd be fine with that. I'd be fine with that. I'd be fine with that. I'd be fine with that. I'd be fine with that.

I'd be fine with that. I'd be fine with that. I'd be fine with that. I'd be fine with that. I'd be fine with that. I'd be all right with horns, like little horns on the head. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. Be fine with that. If they were perfect in every way and they got a bit of gristle coming out of the skull, that's all right. But would you sometimes be like, is this a sign that the devil? I think the devil, if you had to pick a mythological or religious being to fuck, you would pick the devil. The devil would be a good fuck.

You're so right. You're so right. Yeah, the devil would be fantastic. Yeah, why not? Yeah, if they had horns, that'd be fine. I think that'd be great. Hold on to them. Yeah, I think that'd be great.

Okay. Because you managed the horns. Now and again, I'd be like, does this mean he's a bad guy? You can't judge a man just because he's got horns and he's bright red and always on fire. You can't be judging like that. What if he had wings?

Wow, that would, cause his whole life would be about him having wings. He'd be doing interviews about having wings. He'd be always in experiments. It's how he handles the wings. If he's cool about wings, but if he's always just like, you're at a party or something, it's like getting your guitar out.

If he's always getting his wings out at a party. Oh, it's not for me. But if he's got them and he's cool about them and just now and again, he does a little flutter or he like flies you somewhere, that's hot. If he's doing like laps to the car park with every like person that's like, give me a ride with your wings, you know, like knife. Oh yeah. That'd be a lot. How do you feel about men that get guitars out? Bad. Bad. But I can see you falling for it a little bit.

Every time. Amy's there, come by. Oh my lord. Everyone else is left and I'm like, this is amazing. So that's a G chord is it? Wow, that's so cool. I feel like, oh, we need to put this episode in a time capsule. Oh, and then there's going to be a really awkward episode where we could listen back and then we say, yeah, they didn't have, they don't have any of these things.

He was the devil. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord.

I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the G chord. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go with the listen back and then we say, yeah, they didn't have any of these things. He was the devil. He's a big Tory devil. But I love him. I love him. So yeah, he doesn't have any of the things on the list, but I love him. And how do you kiss someone? Amy, you just got a lunge.

So I found this list of a hundred good qualities in a person and I'm going to pick three that I want for you. OK, I'm going to pick, there's nothing about packages on here. Absolute bullshit. I'm going to pick team player. I'm going to pick mindful. Yeah, lovely. Not too mindful. Not too mindful. And I'm going to pick... This is to add to what you've already got.

So like funny and kind of stuff is a given. Thank you, Amy. I'm going to pick optimistic. I really like that. I really like that. That is exactly what I want. That is, yeah, Thank you, Amy. I'm going to pick optimistic. I really like that. I really like that. That is exactly what I want. That is yeah, that's so nice. That's such a thing that your quality that you don't even like think of. It's so important. It's so if they're a Debbie down about everything, I can't take your packages back to them. I've got shift NHS. It changes everything about your day. Yeah, they might sell all your things and be like,

I've put all our money into Bitcoin or whatever. And I've started a business. But they do it with- Everyone needs my protein powder, you know? And you're like, yeah, but like good for you. But they wouldn't do that if they're mindful, because they're mindful about you and your family. And if they're a team player,

they wouldn't do any of that without you. Okay, well, on a similar note, they wouldn't do any of that without you. Okay, well, on a similar note, for you, I'm gonna pick happy. Someone who's, this is something that I've been like thinking about, it's like their baseline is happy. They don't have to wake up every day and be like annoying and be like, ding, you know, like everything great.

Like, and then you, it's like clearly covering for something. They're just like a certain level of like, oh, that's happy, Their baseline is happy. They go up and down, but like they're just, they're calm. They're steady. They're happy. Oh, yes, please. For you, I would like to bestow. It doesn't really have the, the word that I want. Oh, well, you can do my own. Yeah. So I want somebody that just like makes you feel so loved. Like I just say that you are not like, and like, if you're like trying to do stuff for them, they go, no, Amy, it's all good. Like, I think what you're, I think when I said I wanted to go to the cinema and you said, yeah, me too. I think you actually meant you didn't and that we should just stay in and relax. What is the word for that? Because

that is the word that I would like for you. Like somebody that is just like, there's one here that's kind of like, but this is a bit like a creepy, but it says dedicated, which is not quite that. Like somebody that's like, almost like selfless. Not even self, because I think that's how you'd see it, is selfless, but like they just, because they love you so much, they're putting, they can see you and what you want. So somebody that sees you, that's one, that's not there,

but somebody that really like sees you, and somebody that like really wants the best for you. So they see what you want and then they want that for you and they're gonna make it happen. Wow, that's brilliant. Oh my God, that's great. And if they're not doing that then sorry. Horns or not. And if they got little horns, so be it. Well, then I've got my list then, shall I? Yeah.

Kind, sharing, funny, passionate about the NHS, not an arsehole, carer, playful, good at DIY, creative, standing up for what's right, violence, question mark, deep horns, happy, sees me, wants the best for me. I love that. And I've put kind, sharing, makes me laugh and I make them laugh. Stable job he's passionate about is my assistant. Someone that checks the doors, someone else to be in control but not controlling, likes to bring, I think I mean me things at the

end of that, skis, snowboards, snowboards first then skis, playful, DIY explanation mark. There you go. We're not asking for too much. We're not asking for too much. No, just the basics. Yeah. Well, we should maybe like do some sort of ritual with these lists and we should, I don't know.

I don't know what you meant to do. We'll have to look it up. But like spray them with our perfume and then burn them in the wood or something. And then post them on Instagram. Oh yeah, post them on Instagram first probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, great. Great. Well, we've put that into the universe. Do your thing, universe. We're ready. And yeah, everybody do this. Like, this is what you're meant to do. Like, really think about what you want.

And then when you meet somebody and they don't meet these things, you can be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, you're not passionate about the NHS. I don't think so. You just feel moderately OK about the NHS? Oh, no, sir. Good day. Good day, sir. But I see you and I want what's best for you.

Good day, sir. Hello, me again, Amy Gledhill. But this time I'm with... Not Harriet Kemsley. Whoa, WT, fuck! What's going on? I'm with bloody Ian Smith. Offer to Northern News podcast. Yes, a podcast that's not about the news.

Don't worry, single ladies. No, it's not about the news. It's not about being single. No. It's about the North. And all of our stories are about couples. That is not the truth, Ian. No, not technically true. It's about the North and all of our stories are about couples. That is not the truth Ian. No, not technically true. It's weird stuff. It's funny stuff that's going on up North that we're reporting back on.

Things like, pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire village and attacking children. Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bathmat. And we've got special guests. We're talking about people like Phil Wang, Jessica Nappet, Ed Gamble and Ross Noble, who joined us in the studio. Woohoo! Yeah! So that's Northern News starting next Thursday, the 1st of May and then every Thursday after that.

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