Single Ladies In Your Area - Patreon Sneak Peak: Listener Story

Episode Date: December 27, 2024

As a Christmas gift to you, we give you a sneak peak of what’s coming up on our Patreon! Amy and Harriet read a listener’s dating horror story so we all feel less alone. To hear more listener stories like this, support the podcast and enjoy early and ad-free listening, BTS content and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/singleladiesinyourareaWe want to hear your dating stories! Email in at [e-mail] Single Ladies In Your Area on Instagram @singleladiespodRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photos by Matt Crockett and Linda Blacker.Design by Welcome Studio. Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Amy Gledhill. And I'm Harriet Kemsley. We're both single and in our 30s. And we've found ourselves back on the dating scene. And the landscape has changed. Everyone has settled down. But we're back out there. And we're desperately trying to figure out what the hell we should be doing.

So we're going to speak to experts, chat about dates we've been on. If we manage to get any. And share your tips and horror stories. So we all feel less alone we might even get our exes on yeah we'll see about that this is single ladies in your area well merry boxing day boxing day boxing day happy boxing day to you and to all you love yeah which should be yourself because you might be alone yes there we go there we go that's that's on brand isn't it self-love so we've got a bit of a treat for you

in this holiday period so we're going to give you a little glimpse of what's going on over on our patreon yeah i'm excited for patreon i think it's going to be a space where we can really let loose and know that none of our exes are stalking or hanging around and we're not going to let any of them in. They're not paying for it. Nah, it's a safe space. I believe some of them are listening.

But they're not going to pay for it. They will. They absolutely refuse to pay for it. So I think Patreon is going to be a really fun place where you want to make a community where um people can send in stories we want to hear from you guys and we're gonna kind of yeah talk about it and uh give our i mean i don't think we can give advice um we're in a position to give any advice necessarily yeah we can have a good laugh we can have a laugh we give our thoughts and as we always say

it will help us all feel less alone so we've got a a listener story for you coming up which involves poetry and penises two of the worst things all the best things depending on if they're good or bad and you can sign up for Patreon. We've still got a few early bird spots available, which means that it's like, is it literally like three pounds a month or something? It's crazy. But once they're gone, they're gone.

Oh boy. You better get moving, everybody, quick. So to sign up, you can go to patreon.com slash singleladiesinyourarea. Or of course, you can go to isitham slash single ladies in your area or of course you can go to is it ham dot org yep for real hope you're having a lovely christmas and a very happy new year have a happy new year you gotta get in there and sniff them it's our first ever patreon episode. Here we go. We're doing a lot of firsts on this pod.

We're with the core, the loyal, the single, the hopeless, the depressed. No, it's a good thing. It's a good thing. We're all together.

We're not alone. We're not alone. We're not alone. We're not alone. Keep saying it, Amy. We're not alone. We're not alone. We're not alone. We are loved alone. We're not alone. Keep saying it, Amy. We're not alone. We're not alone. We're not alone.

We are loved. Yeah, we are. We love. We love and we loved. We love and we loved. We love, love. We don't have any. Well, I'll tell you what we do have there.

We might not have serious long-term relationships. We do have an email from a listener. It's so exciting to have an email. I feel like when Thingy got mail. Who got mail? You've got mail. Remember that film, You've Got Mail? Was you looking for the word you there?

Is that what just happened? Who got mail again? You've got mail. That's it. You, you're looking for the word you. You've got mail. You've got mail. But we've got mail. you. You've got mail. You've got mail. But we've got mail.

Yes, we've got mail. Shall I read it? I think that would be fantastic. I'm so excited. Okay, so, hello ladies. Doing it all in that voice? You don't, you're not into the voice? No, I liked it.

I think maybe just from the beginning, okay. I'm surprised you managed to bag this email address and also slightly nervous about emailing it. I think maybe just from the beginning, okay? I'm surprised you managed to bag this email address and also slightly nervous about emailing it. Just to point out, that is singleladiesinyourarea at gmail.com. That is great we got that email address. What did we have to do to get that? Don't ask. We just got it.

My wrists are sore, let's just say that. From typing. From typing, asking for the email address. So if you do, listeners, do write in to singleladies at gmail.com. I like how you mimed it both. Both of your wrists were sore then. Yeah. Yeah.

Like you'd be doing. Okay. Because it was like a sexy implication, but that's how I type. One letter at a time. Was it like an implication that you were like jerking people off yeah yeah big time yeah I just wonder why both hands I guess it's like mr gmail or whatever there's two of them maybe they're twins and you were pleasuring both of them or like because one of your hands got tired so you needed both of them oh that does happen to

me not if I remember rightly which it's been feels like it's been decades yeah but i do have to do one hand and then and then is this too much we're patreon we're patreon i feel like we can say what we want yes what we want so i'll do one hand then halfway through i'll be like oh my god and i'll i'll put my other hand on my arm on the forearm to support your own arm to support my own arm so it's like you're kind of jerking your own arm off at the same time. Yeah. And then I have to swap completely to the new arm. And if we're still going, then I'll be like, oh.

I'm really bad at that, I will say, because I just, I just, they can do it so well. I know. And I just feel like they're always like just waiting and just in their head they're just like, I could have done this in two minutes. You know what I mean? And then you're just like just waiting and just in their head they're just like i could have done this in two minutes you know what i mean then you're just like flopping around just like trying to work it out and yeah i always try and secretly like see how they do it and then try and copy that

yeah yeah because they have their little tricks they've got a little weird like spins yeah and some of them they're like really low down on the yeah you're like that's what you like yeah and sometimes they pause right at the top and some of them are right at the bottom you're like oh interesting some just sort of do the top it's like oh it's very different here on patreon let me tell you oh my god but it's like this i've grabbed the top and they just stood there they're just up there they're just someone deep down you're always just punching their own balls sometimes they just pause they do it a little bit and then they pause and then they do it a bit more whereas mine's just like a steady desperate rhythm yeah mine put a metronome on Sometimes.

Support the arm. Can you put your elbow, can I put my elbow on your thigh? And if this is the sort of extra tips that the Patreon get, because you can download just that audio, pop it in your earbuds next time you're wanking someone off. Just do it to that rhythm. And I honestly promise you,

they will not come. If that's the goal. We could add in, we could mix it with a bit of encouragement from us going, go, go. Go, go. You got it. Get in there. Go, go.

Go on. Go on. Think of the gains on your arms. That's great. You get your shoulder involved if it helps sometimes I do that as well if my arm's tired I'll just freeze my arm and then just move the shoulder

and then you're using like a different muscle in my head you've got tired and then you've wiggled down and then you've got your feet up just in the crease of my elbow as well let's do that You've wiggled down and then you've got your feet up. Just in the crease of my elbow as well. Let's do that. You're really working out the whole, like flapping like a bird.

If you did a chicken impression. Get it in there. Get it in there. Anyway, we've got through the first line of the email so far. So far we've managed to say our own email address. Okay. Please do carry on. But know that as you're reading, in my head,

I'm going to be going... Go on, go on. Go on, go on. It's because I had this guy in the audience once and he'd never been to comedy before and every time I said a punchline, he'd slap his thigh and go, go, go! Like I was a horse or something.

Go, go! Go, go! He was so supportive and he was loving it. It was like, it was so distracting. Go, go! Go, go! Roses are red. Violets are blue.

We've matched on an app. What you up to? Okay, so I'm loving the pod and it's come at a great time for me. I'm newly single after my marriage of 10 years ended. Am I writing to myself? So nice to meet you. This is great. Okay, and the thought of dating again

is not particularly appealing we get it yes yes probably due in part to this past experience yeah a guy i had gone on a few dates with wrote me a book wow wrote a book wrote her a book oh my god if i get a text i'm like fuck this guy's the king of dates a book is that what we should be expecting she says the book was all about me it was called the a to z of my name and her name is elise she said she doesn't mind sharing it the a to z of elise and it had a poem for every letter of the alphabet, as the title suggests. Poetry book. Very different. Very different. Yes. I'm going to need action. I'm going to need romance. I'm going to need

characters. Will they, won't they? Yeah. Not poetry. Not poetry. Good poetry is so rare. So rare, I've never found it. I've never seen it. I think amateur poetry is, what, 99% chance it's going to be dog shite. Okay. Yes.

And it's called The A to Z of Elise. This is the name of the book. It was sweet but bordering into creepy, given how little we actually knew each other at this point. So I'll be like, by C, I'd be like, cute. Cute little lady. D, date, went on date with me. E, Elise. Spelt wrong.

However, what no one could have predicted was partway through this anthology would be a page where he had just traced around his penis. I mean, I'm guessing it's pee. Oh, it's halfway through, isn't it? It checks out. Oh, my God. That is not. I do not want that stencil. I don't want that stencil.

What a horrible little book. That's a horrible book. I hate your book. I'm going to say, and I don't want that stencil. You really want it. What a horrible little book. That's a horrible book. I hate your book. I'm going to say, and I don't say this lightly, I'd say tracing around your own dick is worse than poetry. We didn't think the poetry could be brought any lower. But he's done it. Fuck.

Do you think the penis was erect or un-erect? What's the word for that? Flaccid. Flaccid. I love that. I don't even know the word for flaccid. I've never seen one. That's how hot I am.

Couldn't even tell you what it looks like. What do you mean they go soft? I bet. I imagined it flaccid. Yes, I imagined it flaccid. Yeah, but... It's just hanging there. It would be easier to stencil around if it wasn't,

if it had a rigidity. Do you know what I mean? Yes, stencils, famously harder edges. Yeah, you need a harder edge. Also, I feel like he's going to want to show off size. Do you know what I mean? He's probably stenciling around your little flaccid winky. How big is this book, do you think?

A three. I don't know. Yeah, because you just think how much did he get into the book? Like, what is the... I'm so cross that this happened because it also feels like you've been tricked. Because even if you're like, oh, this poetry is weird and a bit gross, you're still like, oh, but still, somebody tried. Then you're like, oh poetry is like weird and a bit gross you're still like oh but still somebody tried then you're like oh no he got me again yeah yeah yeah it's slipping in

it's an under the radar dick pic yes yes it's and it's like it's even worse and it's like more like real than a dick pic yeah because also it's like his dick has been on that page. That's gross. Yeah, I hate that. I really hate that. It's also, it's a coward's dick pic. Oh, oh, look,

I've stenciled around my willy. Oh, fuck off. Either chop it off or shum it when I ask for it. I did not think it was going to go with chopping off. I do feel quite angry at this.

But do you know what I mean? Like, take a picture of it, if I've asked for it. Yes. Until that point, I don't want to know anything about it. Don't slide in a bit of dick-smelling paper into some poetry. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? It's got to be requested.

It shouldn't make an appearance unless we've asked for it unless i have specifically said oh please would you write me a book of poetry an a to z of harriet and would you just slip in there for penis a little stencil of your dick with pencil please and shading unless i have specifically that, I don't want it. Yeah, and I very rarely specifically ask for that. Very rarely. It's like, what, twice a month I'll be like, hey, can you write me a poetry book and stencil your dick? Because I was thinking maybe if somebody said like,

would you be interested in a book of poetry? But then P is a stencil around my... If you were to go to begin to say that sentence, you would realise as you were saying it, begin to say that sentence you would realize as you were saying it they're not actually i've changed my mind as i go to say it i think they're not gonna want this and you wouldn't finish the sentence but rather than say it out loud he's thought he's just done it let's just get this done yeah and no one's the poetry associate he's so excited about getting to the penis he's not putting any time into the rhyming couplets. It's too busy fluffing himself up.

Those standards are all over the place. Oh, God. It's a match. Do you know what I've just realised? I have, I guess, shown someone a dick pic without consent in my university essay. So this was... Again, this hasn't gone where i thought it was going to

literally it's just occurred to me now i wrote an essay on gratuitous boobs and female sexuality in cinema and how there'll be a scene that just starts with tits like getting up and then they wrap the towel and it's not added to anything it's literally just to see tits in a very male gaze sexy way and it never happens with a penis if a penis is in it's for just to see tits in a very male gaze sexy way and it never happens with a penis if a penis is in it's for a very specific reason and it's so right poetry it's it's poetry p for penis p for poetry and in the essay this is back in the day when you had to print it out if you can imagine such a thing i slipped in a picture in the middle of the essay oh my god i sound like this fucking guy i slipped in a picture of a of a dick to to illustrate my point

that it's shocking to be confronted with a penis when you're not expecting it but it's not shocking to be confronted with tits because we're so used to it because female bodies are sexualized all the time and i've just realized i'm gonna have to apologize to my university tutor for i've sent a dick pic basically whose dick was it i don't know dick off the internet it was an internet dick i don't know what mark did you get for it well i don't know probably not great very well thought out but the dick cannot count in the word count Amy how many times have I told you it's just something I do in every essay

it doesn't really matter what the theme is it's difficult when you're trying to prove a point like that is a very good point but you are proving the point by doing the thing that you're trying to point the thing well cancel me I think consider you cancelled what I want to know is did he continue the poetry after the dick like, does it? Consider you cancelled. Yeah. What I want to know is, did he continue the poetry after the dick?

Like, then does it go, oh, for oranges, which are my favourite fruit to eat with my love. R is for arse. It's a stencil. It's a stencil. I wrote this poem with a pen up my bumhole. Yeah. Oh, I'm so sorry to Elise. I'm so sorry.

So she says, needless to say, it didn't go much further, the relationship that is. Oh, so it did go on. God. I think I experienced the first analogue dick pic, love from Elise. Oh, Elise. I'm so sorry this happened.

It's hard out there and it's hard not to be put off by these kind of things. Yeah. You know? You never know. You could just be around the corner from a book of poetry with a pencil dick pic. We don't know it was pencil. It might have been felt tip. Would it be worse if it was a book of stencil dick pics and in the middle they've slipped in a poem?

Oh, God! Christ! There we go. Thank you so much for writing in. Please send in your letters. I'm so excited that we have a Patreon. I think we're going to have a very fun time on here. I think it's going to be spicy.

It's like Hollyoaks after hours. Yes. Mum, don't learn how to use Patreon. No way. Hello, me again, Amy Gledhill, but this time I'm with... Not Harriet Kemsley. Whoa, WT, fuck!

What's going on? I'm with bloody Ian Smith. Off at Northern News podcast. Yes, a podcast that's not about the news. Don't worry, single ladies. No, it's not about the news. It's not about being single. No.

It's about the North and all of our stories are about couples. That is not the truth, Ian. No, not technically true. It's weird stuff. It's funny stuff that's going on up north that we're reporting back on. Things like... Pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire village and attacking children.

Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bath mat. And we've got special guests. We're talking about people like Phil Wang, Jessica Knappett, Ed Gamble and Ross Noble, who joined us in the studio. Woo-hoo! Yeah. So that's Northern News, starting next Thursday, the 1st of May,

and then every Thursday after that. Join us.