Single Ladies In Your Area - Solo parenting by choice with Mel Johnson

Episode Date: May 1, 2026

This week on the podcast, we welcome solo parenting advocate and founder of The Stork & I, Mel Johnson to the podcast. She answers questions like: How do you build a network whilst being a solo parent? Who is the solo parenting journey accessible to? And how far are we in fighting the stigma for solo parents?Find more information about Mel, her journey and the community of solo parents she is building by heading to thestorkandi.com or following her on Instagram @the_stork_and_iAmy's taking her brand new show Thanks For Having Me on tour around the UK from Feb 2027. Tickets are on sale from 10am Friday 24 April, just head to plosive.co.uk.And Harriet is going on tour with her brand new stand-up show Floozy this autumn. For tickets and dates head over harrietkemsley.com.We want to hear your dating stories! Email in at [e-mail] Single Ladies In Your Area on Instagram @singleladiespodProduced, recorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photo by Paul Gilbey.Artwork by Welcome Studio. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Amy Gledhill And I'm Harriet Kemsley We're both single and in our 30s And we've found ourselves back on the dating scene And the landscape has changed Everyone has settled down But we're back out there We're desperately trying to figure out

What the hell we should be doing So we're going to speak to experts Chat about dates we've been on If we managed to get any And share your tips and horror stories So we all feel less alone We might even get our exes on Yeah, we'll see about that

This is Single Lake in your area. I'm so happy you're here. Oh, I've missed you. I've missed you. I've missed the microphone and I've missed you having a little dog on your lap

which you've actually never done before but I feel like it's so nice I've missed it. I think it's always been missing actually. It's always been missing. Yeah, Sunny's here. He's got a bad foot. Oh. It's very sad.

It's very sad, but he's very brave, of course. The bravest of all. Yes. Have you been? What's been going on? What have I missed? Oh my God. Well, we're very sad.

But you've got, you missed this episode. So I want to feel like I need to fill you in on this interview. It was with the wonderful Mel Johnson. So Mel is an advocate for single parenting. Oh, love that. Yeah, I think it's something that we've kind of touched on before. Yeah. And she just brings so much enthusiasm to the subject.

You don't get that a lot. You don't get it a lot. People are usually too tired. Yes. Yeah, this is it. Mel is not tired, which is really... Is she on speech? We don't know.

We don't know. Joe is out. I can't speak on that. Yeah, I can't say anything but definite. But I think what's really lovely speaking to her is that even when she started her journey, it was seen as such a shameful thing. And that's why I think her being so exuberant about it is so wonderful and positive because she can literally see how the tides have changed.

Oh, that's good. So let me get this right. So she's single parenting by choice. By choice. That's fantastic. Yeah. God, that's, no offence, man. That feels like the way forward, doesn't it?

This is kind of it. It's like, I think, well, in my case, it happens not by choice. Yes. But in hindsight, you're like, oh, actually. Yeah. So nice to have done it by choice. And I think so for you. of us think that it's a viable choice.

We think, oh, it's a choice, but it's the last choice. Yeah. Come on. It's the last choice on the list. But she... I'll do it if I have to. I'll do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm waiting around to see if there's another option. But she is putting it as the first choice. And I think it's very freeing, particularly for women if it's a choice, because it gets

rid of the time crunch. Yeah. And it gives a lot of power to you. And you wouldn't get into a relationship that you weren't fully happy with just because you're like, oh, my clock is ticking. This is exactly it. And I think this is what so many women have had to deal with for centuries. Yeah.

And also... Millennia, I'd say. Millennia is the cave women before us. Oh, God, I guess I'll sell for Derek. No one else is... My bleeding gone, stop. me sex Derek now. Derek stink too much.

Then you're just stuck in a cave with Derek for the rest of time. Just like, there's a fucking lying outside Derek. Derek's asleep. He's on the game boy. Come on Derek. Derek, get off the switch. Come on, Derek. Well, I guess cave people and actually lots of people

until recently didn't live that long. So being married to one person is kind of fine because you die when you're 30. That is exactly. It's a real commitment. And having a child, a very big life commitment of having to engage with somebody all the time, make joint decisions. That's hard. It makes everything a bit harder.

Yes. And you can just do everything how you want to do it. Yeah. The one thing I think that makes it harder is money. Oh, God, of course. If you have money, you can afford childcare and all these things that then mean that you're not alone with something. And so that's the... only thing and also the pressure of raising a child on your own with the financial constraints.

That is the thing that I think is the one thing to kind of take into account with it. But she was really advocating like having a village. It's like a really lovely way of doing it. She's friends with, she's like, she's so positive. She's like making friends with all these like single moms and making a real like community so that her kid's not even like doesn't even think they're missing anything. I love that. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm excited to hear it. It's weird. to be introducing an episode that I haven't heard yet. I wasn't a part of it. I'm genuinely excited to hear it. Oh, God, the pressure is on.

I hope you like the episode, Amy. Let's be positive about single parenting, but not positive about single podcast hosting because I don't want you to dump me. Oh, yes, please. I know you can do it all your own way. I don't want to make my own choices with the podcasting. I want to make drunken podcasting decisions with you.

Okay. So let's get on with it, shall we? Settle in, Amy. I hope you enjoy this episode with the wonderful Mel Johnson. It's a much. Hi, Mel. Thanks so much for joining me. I'll usually say us, but it's just me. So they're joining us on your ear. But it's just me chatting to you. Thanks so much for traveling down. We really appreciate it. You're here because you're here to talk about solo parenting. Yeah. And you, that is something you've embarked on. Yeah, yeah. How old is your child?

So my daughter is, she's literally just turned eight last weekend. So this is something I was considering about 10, 11 years ago now. So things have moved on quite a lot from when I was doing it actually. But yeah, so I'm eight years into the journey. And what, can you tell us how this came to be? Yeah. So it all started for me when I was 29. I had been in a seven-year relationship

and unexpectedly from my side at least that ended and we were engaged, we were getting married and then it was a bit like a movie on Christmas Day. Oh no, oh no. It had to be Christmas Day. Oh no, it really didn't have to be Christmas Day. Took a long story shot. I overheard him on the phone to his girlfriend

and I only found out because it was Christmas Day because otherwise I wouldn't have really, you know, I wouldn't have... Don't know where to go on Christmas Day. I was like, who's talking to it on Christmas Day? Because all of our family were there. I was thinking that's a bit weird. And you know, when you've been with someone for seven years,

I went and questioned him and just immediately knew something was up. 29 is a terrible age for that to happen just because you've got the big 3-0. Literally I was 30, like two months later. And that was just looming up. And so... It's so interesting. I got married when I was 29. Right.

I am now no longer married. But definitely in the buildup, there were a lot of reasons I shouldn't have got married. But you, I think one of it was love. I was very much in love, but also I was just like, you've got to sell down, you've got to get moving.

Like, that's what everything is telling you. That was the thinking of my voice. Like, come on, you're going to be 30. You've been with this person for a while. This is what you do. And it's that, that voice is the thing that I'm very interested in talking to you about. Yeah.

And so I was, we'd send a wedding invitations out I'd bought my dress. So that all had to be... Why do they do this? Why? Out of everything? Couldn't he just have said, you know what? I've got a girlfriend. That's the only thing. Before we send out the invites. Yeah. I don't want to invite her, but just so you know, I have a girlfriend. What is happening? I know. I said, why did you let me buy my dress? But he said because I made a mistake. I didn't think that, you know, I thought we were going to still get married. We actually did try again because of exactly what you said, the panic.

The rug had been pulled from under me and I was like, I just want it to go back to how it was, like my plan that I thought was going to happen. But they're just the trust. The plan. The famous plan. There should be no plan should be allowed because you cannot, you cannot plan.

This is the problem. You just can't, you just can't rely on it. It's so difficult. I know, but I'd watched in hindsight, way too many rom-coms when I was younger and just thought, well, that's just how life goes, isn't it? You just think that's what's going to have.

happen. And I do think cheating is fine, but I think if it, the fact that he wasn't open with, I don't think cheating is fine. I just think that it's something that you can get over if somebody is open and honest about it afterwards and apologetic. But, but he didn't even tell you that you discovered it is a real sign of. And then I wonder what would have happened if it hadn't been Christmas Day and I hadn't overheard. You know, wonder where it would have all ended. So it turns out that was a good thing. Yeah. So it, that wouldn't have been. It didn't feel like it at the time. It didn't feel like it. Yeah. Yeah. Bad Christmas or around, I'd say. Yeah. Yeah. deal. But in hindsight, we probably wouldn't have lasted and we possibly would have had children

together and then I would be in a different circumstance. So, but I thought, do know what, 29, just about to be 30, we've got ages. I've got time. I'll just, you know, foray into the world of internet dating and, um, how'd that go for you? Yeah. Well, here I am. So I'd never done it before because I'd been in a long-term relationship or a thing when I met him. You were the same as me. Yeah, I came out of a long-term relationship. And yeah, I decided on my ladying. And you like, what is it? Yeah, yeah.

So I would give myself an A plus for effort. I really, really put my heart and soul into it. I have dated, I wish I'd written a book, you know. I wish I'd like taking a note of all of the people. I just can't remember it all that. So it went on so many dates. And it just... It's like how many days a week we talk like, what's the...

I mean, probably... I would say one a week, you know, a couple of months. maybe but that was over a long period. It's the bounce back that's hard as well. It's the, your heart gets a little, like gets a little, there's a little tear. There's a little tear. It's a little bit and builds and builds and builds. And I realize that I'm definitely like along the fairy tale line. So I'm like, this one. This one looks really good. And then just the disappointment when you don't like them or they don't like you or you don't want the same thing or so just so many first dates. It's so much time in your phone as well.

Yeah. Yeah. It's really interesting because I always think, like, I am very much of the thing of, like, if you really work at something, if you really try, then it can happen. Like, you just got to go through, you just got to swopie, swopee, like get rid, like, hundreds down. I can do this. You're saying you've put it in the time and it's... No. And that's the only thing. It feels like the only thing in life that you're not fully in or like at all in control of because career, house, everything else.

I was like, you know, life in general, everything's going good. I've put the effort in. I've got where I wanted to go. But this, no matter how hard I work at it, I just don't seem to be able to make it happen. So, yeah, the constant roller coaster of disappointment is tough. And I guess you have the backdrop of everyone else settling down around you, which amps up the timeline, which makes it all feel. And the looming being a woman, the clock, like it all just starts to feel really, it feels bad. Yeah.

And I felt like at one point, I was like, well, there's a big gang of us all single together. And then one by one, I'm like, where are they all going? Like, they'd met their person and some of them went on to have children, some of them didn't want to. But I slowly started finding myself really in the minority. And even that camaraderie of other people in the same situation had started to drop as well. And then it feels really hard.

Yeah, it's one of the reasons me and Amy started the podcast because you're just kind of in this, you feel like you're in a different life track to everybody else. It feels like you're just like looking through a window and everyone else is in there, you're like in Home Alone or something. You're like, McCauley Colkin, like wandering the streets of New York. And you're like, how come everybody is in here with their families? Like, this is, this feels confusing.

So what was your career? What were you working on? So I work in HR for a big telco company. And I had an amazing... What does Calco? A telecom. I was thinking like, talcum powder. And then I was like, that doesn't seem right.

I should question it. Otherwise we're going to get lots of questions about talcum company. Yeah, yeah. And I'd lived abroad, I'd lived in, like I lived in India. In fact, after the breakup, I went to India for a year to work and that was the best polly. So, I pray love. Yes. So, yeah, that was going brilliantly and what the most frustrating thing is people said,

oh, wow, you put your career first, so didn't you? And you're like, no. Why can't we have, men have been doing it for eternity? Why can't we have a career and family? Like, it's, I refuse to accept. I'm not a living proof that it is possible at the moment, but I refuse to accept that it's not possible. Yeah, it's really frustrating when people think you can only have one.

I'm like, look around, everyone else has got to. So no, I wasn't prioritising it. I was just living. So what was the point when you thought, I want to do this on my own? So I think I lied to myself for a number of years and thought, well, never mind, I'll take the pressure off by thinking, do you know what, if I don't meet someone by the time I'm 35,

I'll become a solo parent. I didn't really know anything about it, how to do it. But I thought, well... Even eight years ago, I imagine, like now it feels like more of a conversation than it even would have been like... There was no one. 10 years ago.

Like, it was like not a thing I remember hearing then. I didn't know a single person who'd done it. So I didn't know anything about it. I knew it was possible, but that was about it. So I thought, I'll try to take some pressure off. But it was a lie. Yeah, you're tricking your brain. You're like, yeah.

In January, I'm going to start exercising. Or like you have this thing in your head You're like, oh, that's the future. That's what I'll do at this point. That's the, yeah. So I don't need to be stressed because I can just do that. But I never had any intention of doing it. I thought I'm just bound to meet somebody in that time.

And I just kept on saying in six more months. So 35 came in six more months. 36 came in six more months. And then at 37 I was like, they're on anymore. Six more months left. Because the problem is you just can't predict the future. So you don't know if when you start trying, to have a baby you'll be able to.

And I just thought, what's going to change? I've been single from 30 to 37, pretty much single. You know, what's going to be different now? So I thought, you know what, I'm just going to do it. Because the fear of missing out on parenthood became less than the fear of doing it on my own. I think that for me was I had a different thing. I was married, but it was that my fear was losing my career or my life that I loved. And it was the thought of not having a child was bigger than that.

And I think that is a good marker that when that priority kind of shifts, then you're like, oh, this is something I have to follow. When having the child is more important than even like, you're like, but what about going clubbing? Having the child becomes more important. It becomes more important than anything. And then that's the feeling that you have to listen to. Yeah.

And so I just thought, I'm just going to take the first step. So I just called a fertility clinic. And I remember I was at work. And my hands were shaking. I was just, and I thought I'm just doing it. And that was the door opened then to just to making it happen. So I just phoned them and said, I want to come and talk to somebody about doing this on my own. And they were so friendly.

They got me in the next month to talk about it. And then actually with the consultancy, said you could start on your next cycle if you want. And I thought, oh, my God, I've been thinking about this for years. And now all of a sudden the possibility of doing it next month is a real one. So, yeah. You've got to get in there and snitching. for them. Did you, so did you have any friends or anyone that you were like, oh, this, I know that this person has done it, so I'll be okay? No, I didn't, I didn't know a single other

person who'd done it. Wow. Was there anyone in like popular culture or anyone that like, I guess even then, like there wasn't people on Instagram even like sharing their lives and their stories of, I think the first celebrity I've seen sharing it is Natalie Umbrulia, um, but she's very private about it understandably. Um, and then a few others since, um, not in the UK. have shared, but there's still hardly anyone in the public eye who's sharing it. And I do think I was so pleased when Natalie and Brulia did share it because I think you shouldn't underestimate the power of having someone to look at who I deem as very successful, you know, definitely not a failure. And she's like, well, I've done it. And you think, oh, well, it must be okay then.

Do you know what I mean? I mean, this is, it's not even a thing that should be possible. But I think it's just how society is that there might be a shame associated with it or something. a feeling like that you've done something wrong, that then you have to do it yourself. Like that's such a horrible feeling to have to deal with on top of everything. I think it's a big feeling that many people feel indefinitely I did. I was like, what's wrong with me? Why am I the only person in the world who can't meet someone? And it does feel like that at the time.

It feels like you're the only person. And that's why part of what I do now is get people together because the power of being like, oh, it's not just me. There's all these other people in the same situation. It's so powerful. Yeah, it's huge. And also, you know, like a lot of those people are going to be getting divorces soon. You know what I mean? Like, sadly, you know, but like also life is better on the other side sometimes. And then people come to me and say, oh, I wish I'd just done what you've done now

because now I'm having to co-parent. This is it. Like I'm really interested to hear your story. I think what I've kind of done by accident, the backwards way, which is something that I'm hearing more and more about is friends that are having children together. So they're going into it and they're like, I know you're a good person. I've known you're a good person. I've known you for a long time. I know that how you want to raise a child and I, we could do this together. We could team up and then we're open to finding our loves later.

But I think it's a very brave to do it on your own. Did you have family nearby or anyone around that you knew could help shoulder some of the child. I didn't make life easy for myself because I actually, when I decided to do it, lived in Budapest. Fucking hell, male. And so I had to move. back to the UK and then I decided to move to South Manchester because the ego in me was like, I want to live in trendy Didsbury and have a lovely house there. And I tried that for a while. And it is lovely. And then I was like, why am I doing this to myself? My parents both live in Southport,

which is an hour and 15 from there. They don't mind helping, but they didn't want to do that drive, especially in the dark. So I said, you know what, I'm going to move. So I, I'm going to move. Just towards the end of the pandemic, I was like, let me move to Southport. I just had to have a big word with my ego about the power of getting the support for my parents is so much more than like living somewhere that so-called trendy area. That I never utilised anyway because I had a baby on my own. And now you have the freedom to actually be able to do things rather than what everybody else do things. You had to go through the pandemic on your own with a child. I mean, that's a thing you couldn't have predicted for sure.

Full-time job with a two-year-old. It was horrendous. My neighbours were amazing. They were just a lifeline. They dropped me food off. When you could take someone for a walk, they took my daughter for a walk for me so I could try to work.

They were so, so supportive. I wouldn't have got it through without them, but I would never have projected three months with a two-year-old on my own with no help. We didn't see like an adult, another adult. That's an incredibly lonely, hard thing. And that's what's so difficult when you can't... A global pandemic is not something I imagine was on the card.

When you began the process. It's so interesting to hear your journey. I think it's really brave to have done that. Like, did you have... So when you were in Budapest, it was a job that could transfer to England? Yes. You got maternity leave. Yeah.

So I was coming back anyway. Like I was doing a job that was sort of coming to an end. and I was coming back. And so, yeah, I got maternity leave and went back to the same company afterwards. But it was just that I didn't have a support network in the area I went to. Because I've lived abroad, like, three different countries.

I'm sort of quite used to making friends and making a friendship group. And so that's what I did. I just sort of was like, I treated it like a job. I was like, right, I've got to meet people. Like, I cannot have. At that point, I couldn't have any time without adult company.

I just needed other adults there all the time. And yeah, I just made it happen. I tell people, don't worry if you've not got a support network in place. You can build it and just tips. I went to every mum and baby class. I went to, you know, baby yoga, anti-nator classes. I just went to everything that was available

until I built like a really good support network. I think sometimes being in a mom and baby place, like a class, can't be one of the loneliest places to be because it's very, it's very. very hard to connect when everything is about the baby and everyone's talking in baby talk. And I think that is a very hard place to meet people actually, like, that you can really connect with on a level that isn't talking about just things about a baby. Yeah. See, this is where my internet dating came in handy.

Because I use the, like, baby apps where there's, like, apps to make friends. It's like bumbles for babies. Yeah. Like baby moms. Yeah. And you don't get ghosted on there. You get friendly people replying. And so I picked people off on like a one to one basis and then met them at a class.

I don't know about you. That is such a smart tip. Yeah. So you're like, we already have stuff in common. I'm not just sat next to somebody that are like, I'm distracted with a baby and we're trying to make small talk about our baby's hats or whatever. I'm not very good going into a big group. No me neither. And then meeting, like making friends.

I'll just chat to everyone and leave and think, well, I don't know anybody. That's such a good. I think we haven't talked at all, I think, about like the mother dating apps, basically. Yeah. Yeah. What one do you recommend? So Frollo is a good one for single parents. So that just helps you connect with anybody who's a single parent. And then Peanuts, again, I don't know if you've heard about Peanut.

Yeah. Peanut, it was another one that I use. That's for other parents basically, isn't it? Yeah. Parents, but you can go on there when you're pregnant so you can meet people during that stage. That's so good. Yeah, I've heard of peanut. But that's, just find other single parents, I think, is such a, because I think there is like, when I'm with my daughter, it's like, it's like the best of it.

But then you put your child to bed. And when you're the only adult in the home, there is something so lonely about. Like, you can't go anywhere. You have to be there, but your buddy's in bed. And then you're like, it's just me. Like, and you're so aware that everyone else is in houses together. It's a really, it's a really unusual feeling. Well, when I, we're in the pandemic, one,

great thing that came out of it is I started these calls. And so I've still got a friendship group from then. We've like called once a month every Wednesday night on a Zoom just to chat about what, you know, life. And it's just a group of people who immediately get what you're going through because they're in the same situation and it makes it feel less lonely. Yeah, I imagine you bond so quickly. Sometimes I think mothers that are married, it can be hard to kind of completely connect with because there is like a there's a loyalty to the partner or there's it's a hard to kind of connect whereas I imagine that you are going into something so open in a way that they will as well and you're like I know exactly what this is like and we've gone through this

together it's like a real bonding yeah it's incredible how quickly you can connect with someone because just I've got brilliant friends but they just haven't been in my situation and so they just can't know exactly how it feels, whereas you've got someone you've only just met who immediately gets what it's like and you can build friendships really quickly with people in the same situation I find. Because I'm, my daughter's father is very involved. So I have that space, which I'm so lucky for. But there's, I mean, there's moments when I do much less than what you do, but you just feel like, God, I wish somebody would just come in and just do help. I wish somebody would do something and you just have to kind of, where do you get your

kind of resilience to kind of keep just being like, sometimes I go into victim mode, whatever, and I hate it, I have to talk myself out of it, but you can kind of go into the child a little bit. Yeah, I think it's a little bit different when you go into it, thinking that this is how you're going to be doing it because you kind of just set yourself up and you've never known any difference. I'm extremely lucky because I've got so much support. So my parents are divorced, which in this situation is a positive. Yes, you get two different. Yes.

But they still get on, so they will spend time. which is helpful as well. I've got like the school mums, some of us take it in turns to do pick up and drop off after school and before school. I've got other solo parent mums. We've gone on holidays together and everyone just pictures in. My daughter,

we were at the supermarket and we're in the car park and she said, Mommy, I don't ever want you to get a boyfriend. And I said, why not? Just, you know, tell me more about what you're thinking and she said, because then we wouldn't do things with the solo mums. And we've got this group of friends

that she loves and she does want to lose that. Yeah. So all of the worry that I had about, is it fair to bring her into a solo parent family? She's worried about getting out of it. I don't want to be with any of these regular traditional units. Solo mum hang out. Yeah.

But it's good for her to see like her family structure replicated so many times. We've got so many friends. It's like so common for her. In fact, to the point where she's like, oh look, they've got a mummy and a daddy. Look at these freaks of here. I really respect that and I think a lot of that I think that's really good advice

is that it sounds like you are very proactive with it and I think that is a very difficult thing to do like I can be quite shy like especially going to places where you're like with new people and I think you being so proactive is the reason that you are successful

and it's all working out but I think that's a really good tip and I think especially everyone is so used to dating online like to translate that into finding mum friends is such a smart move and I think it is so easy easy to go into life so hard on my own.

But I always try to reframe it to say there's things that are easier, there's things that are harder. It's so true. You're not waiting for somebody else to do something. You just do it. And it's like... And no one else is making a mess. You're not having to cook for anyone else.

You can do what you want when you want. So there are loads of positives about it as well. And I think our brains tend to just automatically focus on the negative. And it's almost like being conscious to say, no, there's loads of positives in this situation as well. Be not too much this weekend. Oh! So you got your, you get maternity leave.

Yeah. And you, I just want to know what your rights are when you're going into it because I know that things can be different when you're doing IVF and things like this. Yeah. Yeah. And so you get full maternity leave, but you have to pay for the IVF or do you get around free? Or because I know that traditionally it can be very difficult. Like I have friends in relationships, same-sex relationships where they have. to try certain ways before they're allowed to come in and have access to IVF, which seems

incredibly unfair. Yeah. So sadly, at the moment, the vast majority of people on their own don't get access to funded treatment. Yeah, that's crazy. There's actually a charity fertility action who's campaigning for fair access to treatment. So only if you're in most cases, only if you're in a couple you get. At the moment, it's if you're in a heterosexual couple.

Yeah. And half of that is dependent on your postcode anyway and where you live. much you get. Some areas, if you're in a same sex couple, a female couple, you'll also get accessed, but not everywhere, and hardly any if you're not in a relationship. So, yeah, there's lots of work being done at the moment to try to make it fairer because finance is one of the biggest barriers. It's just so unfair when you're then, you're going to have to shoulder the burden later of the financial burden. And like, this is crazy. Yeah, so you've got to bring a child up on one income anyway. And all of your sense.

savings for so many people go on the fertility treatment. Yeah, that seemed incredibly unfair. Yeah. And so how do you mind me asking, like, how quickly it happened or what the process was like? Yeah. For me, it was relatively straightforward compared to a lot of people that I know. So I had one round of IVF and that created three embryos. And then the first embryo transfer was what they call a chemical pregnancy.

So because you test too early or I certainly did, you get a faint positive but then over time that goes to a negative so like your hopes are up and then you know over time you think okay that wasn't that wasn't going to work I then had a bit of a break because that was a lot and so I just gave myself about six months and then had another go and then my daughter was the second transfer yeah one of the questions I wanted to ask you is if you've met the parents that have come into the solo parenting journey without IVF like through adoption or any other journeys like that? Yeah, so there's two different sort of scenarios. So I do have some people that I know who have done solo adoption. So I'm not an expert on that process,

but I know that a lot of people try to decide between should I go down that IVF donor conception route or the adoption route. And actually, there's loads of really great people that you can reach out to who can tell you a bit more about solo adoption. I again, so on Instagram, there's if you put solo adopters, there's a big community of people who share their story on Instagram. And then there's also people who use known donation. So rather than go into a fertility clinic, they find somebody that they know or that they meet to have a baby together. And sometimes that's to co-parent, but quite often that's still to solo parent. And you might know who that donor is, but they're not really playing a role in their lives.

So yeah, they're probably the other two scenarios. And so many people are trying to decide between, should I accept that I might not have children in my life and just carry on on that route? Shall I try to adopt a child solo or shall I go down the donor conception route? And those are sort of the three things people are often trying to decide between.

And it's so hard. It's so hard because it's so unknown. Even going into parenthood is so, It's so unknown. You just don't know how you're going to feel it's impossible to explain. It's impossible to predict for another person. And I always, people are the most worried about having regrets. Yeah.

And I always say, whatever path you take, just go into it with your all. Go into it wholeheartedly and make sure you don't regret it. Like, you're a bit in charge of that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You don't have to just be like, whoa, is me. I made a choice. Yeah.

Yeah. And constantly looking like what would a different choice of looks. Like what would it have been? So it's almost like, don't worry about regrets. Decide which choice you want to go down and then stick to that route and make it work for you and surround yourself by awesome people who can help you do that. That's it. I mean, having my, I was so, like, I just didn't, I just couldn't imagine what it would be.

And I didn't think I was like a capable enough person, like to have a child and then had me. She's like the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm like a, like a different person since having her. And she's changed my life. Like she's like changed like my values. And how did you feel because I think this would be a thing that I, and I did go to appointments on my own and I went to baby classes on my own, but I think it would have been, I would have found giving birth without my partner very difficult. Like, how did you manage those? Yeah, I think it felt overwhelming going into it.

But actually the reality was it was completely fine. I went to an antenatal class and everyone there was so supportive. And the thought of going on my own was like, oh, what's everyone going to see? So often the thought. Yeah. But then they just like enveloped me in and they were like, wow, I can't believe it. We're worried and there's two of us, you know, anything you need. And when I was on maternity leave, I was just, you know, as it stands with our group,

all the men were back at work and the women were on maternity leave. And so I was just one of the group, no particular difference because we would meet in the day on maternity leave. So my mum was my birth partner. So I was very lucky to have that. and she came to some of the anti-nader classes with me, you know, to do the preparation. So I've always just felt so supported. I haven't got one romantic partner, but I've just got loads of amazing people who give me support in different ways. And so...

That's kind of how I feel after my divorce, I will say, like, I think that's so lovely. I think that you have such an amazing positivity, which is, I think it's a thing that carries, like, you through anything that is difficult. What have been the kind of most difficult things that you faced? I think when you first start the change from being an independent woman who can go wherever you want, you're going out for dinners, you're doing this, you go, and then all of a sudden, like you said, being at home and not really having anybody else to be able to take over so you can have any time away, which has got so much better now. My daughter's eight. It's so much easier.

But that newborn stage and then the lack of sleep, the newborn stage, it's just hard for anyone. There's nobody to be like, can you just do a couple of hours? Yeah. Yeah, and to be fair, people did help, but, you know, you can't expect people to, like, massively help you. So I had lie-ins and people came and, you know, gave me a bit of a break. But that was probably the hardest. In hindsight, I honestly don't know how good I would have been parenting in a partnership. You know, I think I'm actually quite good at doing it on my own.

And I, yeah, like, I don't feel like anything's missing because we've just were surrounded by so many amazing people. Again, just going back to the fairy tale, I think I would have constantly looked for something that wasn't realistic and thought, they're not helping me enough, they're not doing it, and just would constantly have felt disappointed, no matter what someone was doing, honestly,

like my issue. I just think I live in a bit of a fantasy that having watched too many films. Or do you think it's men? Which you think it's most men just behaving, like how they're going to behave. Yeah, because I think that's so true. Like, I don't want to compare,

of experiences because I do have somebody that takes Mabel for a period of time, but I definitely am a better parent since the separation because I have space to do things how I want to and I have a freedom. And again, I don't have any resentments about behavior or not doing things or anything like that. And it is like a, it is a more enjoyable experience. And I, I do hope to have a partner one day, but I do want to find somebody that it is a better fit with. And maybe now that I, know what it is. It's easier to go into it to pick somebody that would be good for that. Yeah. I think one of my issues is I had to work so hard to let go of the idea about how I thought I'd become a parent. I think I've done it a bit too well. So I have now really embraced the solo

parent, you know, life and the thought of like having a partner is quite difficult to, you know, imagine because I have got such a good thing going and it's, there's calm and there's no drama and it doesn't feel like anything's missing. So I do say I'm still open to meeting someone, but it's going to be hard to find someone. But I think maybe in the future, when my daughter's a bit older, maybe it will get easier. Are you dating at all or have you dated over the years? Yeah, so I have dated and there's definite advantages, which is that time pressure has gone. you know, and you're just thinking, do I like the person? Do I want to see them again?

Yeah, it's not. If we get going now and then it's a few years, maybe kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How quickly could we have children together? And it is a different thing as well. Like, I can see people that I would partner with and be in relationship with, but I wouldn't want to have kids with. Yes.

Like, it's such an interesting thing where I'm like, oh, I couldn't, I would, you would drive me fucking insane if I had a child with you and you were just who you are. But I, that doesn't mean that I, I don't really like you as a person and can't see a different relationship. And that's the thing. There's so many different ways of having a relationship because you could separate them and actually just have somebody that you go out for dinners with and maybe go for a weekend with and don't really have it as part of like forming a family unit.

There's lots of different ways to do it and the different people might, you know, appeal to those different ways. So, but I think we're so set in the we must meet someone, fall in love, moving together, like I can't ever imagine moving in Bissamon again because I've just had my own house and my own space for so long. I'd be a nightmare. It is, it is so nice having girls' house. Yeah, and my house is decorated all good.

I know. I know. I think the thing I do, the thing that I do just, like, slightly like worry about back of my mind is I don't want my daughter to think that I'm too, like, that I'm reliant on her in any way. Yeah. She is, like, she's obviously in my whole world. But, like, I want to have other things. outside of it and if I send to her completely that when she leaves I'll be like,

hey, what you're up to you? Because I don't have that partner and that is a good thing of a partner. It takes the weight off a little bit. I think I've definitely filled it with other things. So I've got so many things that I love doing. And because I haven't got loads of time to myself, the time I do have to myself, I'm like, right, what can I do? You're like, what of the list of things?

So much shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, it's so interesting to hear how people are just doing things a bit differently.

And it feels so empowering for women to not have to be like waiting to be chosen. It's such a better way to live. We were hearing earlier about a friend who had two female friends who have bought a house together and moved in. And they're starting the IVF journey together. And so they're going to do it in partnership because then, they have a buddy in it and that feels really nice and or you can do it on your own but with an amazing community like you're doing. Have you have you have so you're you're at you're advocating for this this life have you met people that are doing it slightly differently or people that

because I imagine without a community it is an incredibly hard situation yeah I think there's I've got so many people with such a range of different things from people who are co-parenting with friends with people who have some input but to the child's life but not loads of input and it depends on your personality as well doesn't it some people are like the thought of having anyone else in my you know in my space is i don't want i love it just being me and my child which i you know isn't for me but so there's a whole range and there's lots of people who are saying i'd love to live with another solo parent or we're talking about having a commune of solo parents where you can all live together i mean that would be amazing so yeah i think

there's such a range of people doing it in all different ways, whatever works for you, really. It's just, it feels so modern. I don't know. Like, obviously people have, people have done it over the years, but to go into something with, with choice is so, it's so wonderful. And you're not having to, like, trick anybody, you know, to be like, oh, no, I'm, I'm, my period's about to start or whatever. And you're like, no, I can do this completely out of choice. And yeah, And I think back in the day, I really, really wanted to do it with a partner. And my expectations was so low. I didn't care.

I was like, I just, because it was so unknown and I was like, can I do it? What will people think of me? Have I failed? All of those things. So I really, really, because I sound positive. But if you talked to me 10 years ago, I would have given anything to do it with a partner. And it's only with the benefit of hindsight where I'm like, oh, thank the Lord. I didn't do it with one of those.

people that I would have loved to at the time because it wouldn't have worked. And then we would be co-parenting and it would be problematic in some of those instances. Absolutely. I think there's nothing lonelier than, yeah, being with the wrong partner. It's so lovely like getting rid of the shame and the stigma of it and just being a thing where you can just do it without all this extra weight attached to it. It feels so much easier. And one of the things that changed it for me was I got invited to speak at Green Man Festival this year, which was amazing. and my daughter came with me. And she was, and as I was talking about being a solo parent,

and she was in the audience, and she'd made a sign saying, go, mummy. And she's so proud of me talking about it. And she was like, we're telling people about being a solo mom. Oh, my God, I'm going to cry. That's so beautiful. Yeah, yes. And then you think, okay, well, I don't need to worry what she feels about it

because she seems good with it. She seems great with it. That's amazing. And how do you kiss someone? Amy, you just got a lunch. I guess one of the difficulties with it is financial. I mean, there's no one else to shoulder the burden of like, that must be a thing that is, it's so difficult for women,

how we have to get in a position where your career is in place. Like you have everything kind of like set up in this like timeframe, which now, I mean, when you're a kid, it doesn't seem very long, but like it now it seems very long, but like now it feels like very tiny timeframe to get everything in shape and to be in a financial position to do. this alone? It's so hard and it's one of the questions that people come to me with all the time. Shall I get myself in a better financial position and wait or shall I just go for it? And it's such a hard one to answer because you don't know how long you've got to wait and if you wait,

maybe it impacts your fertility. But you also don't want to go into it with no money because, you know, it will be hard. So luckily I was in a very fortunate position. I'd worked for a number of is and saved money and so feel okay, but it certainly isn't easy on one income. And it's a barrier for some people. They just can't afford to do it, which is so sad that that's the barrier for not being able to become a parent. That's absolutely heartbreaking. What is your advice that you would give to anybody that is maybe thinking, oh, I'm hearing this and this is potentially something that I could do or somebody that's at the beginning of the journey? I would say reach out and get connected to other people.

So I run this course for people who are considering it. And people get onto the beginning of the course and they introduce themselves. And some people say, I don't need to do the rest of the course now. I just needed that. I just needed to meet these other 12 people who are all doing it. That's what the whole baby bump classes are basically. It's just a fine. You're like listening to other stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, who are my people? Yes, because I was like, oh, we're actually going to learn some stuff. I don't have to meet the other people. I was like, turns out. I don't know anything about this. So, yeah, connect with people. And then do your research.

There's like podcasts. I've got a podcast. There's loads of different podcasts about you can listen to people who've been raised in solo parent families. So hearing their lived experience, you can't, you know, that's so powerful, listening to the research and then speaking to a fertility clinic to see what the process would be for you. Yeah, we had my friend Thor, who's a comedian on the podcast

and he talked about how he was raised predominantly by, by a single mom and he yeah he just speaks so positively about yeah and I'm I was really worried about like talking about like introducing like partners and things to mabel like down the line and um he was like I met loads of great guys like it was great like sometimes they disappear and I'm like where did he go but um yeah exactly but he was like it was um it was predominantly like a yeah then like a great i think that it's all about communication and most of the people I've spoken to have said, as long as you're honest and open and you don't talk as if there's any shame about it, that is one thing. If you've got shame about it, your child might pick up on that. So as long as

you have really great communication with them and keep them in the loop about what's happening, talk about it positively. And that's the feedback from the people I've interviewed on who've been raised in this way. They're like, it's just, it's just our usual. It's how we were raised. We don't question it. And a lot of them have met other people in the same situation. And and again got quite a community from that. My daughter's got loads of friends in the same situation. And as she grows up, if she has any questions, she'll have that community of people that she can talk to as well, which is fab.

And there's a thing if you're born out of somebody wanted you so much. It's like you were born out of like, like, it's like there's no doubt that you were a choice that you were brought into the world with a lot of thought and care. You were very well thought. Yeah, exactly. There's something really beautiful about that. Yeah, true. It's been so lovely to meet you.

I just am kind of like processing it. It feels like such a lovely thing to have a choice to be able to go into something like that can feel like, I think this is the horrible thing with it. It feels like a kind of like worst case scenario. And then you've made it into a best case scenario, basically. You're saying like this is the best way I could have done it. Yeah, I think for many people they'll be sitting there thinking, but it would be the last, you know, the plan B, the worst case scenario,

just if I can't do it any other way. And I think it's really usual to feel like that at the beginning, but you can absolutely not be feeling like that as you get on and you connect with other people and you realize, you know, we are so lucky to have the choice. We wouldn't have had the choice in times gone by. In other countries, some countries, they still don't have the choice to do this.

So we are quite lucky to be here and have that choice, I would say. And also the fact that you're saying that you can live without shame. I mean, like if someone was to be a single parent, like in this way, what century are we? In the last hundred years or whatever to do this would be a thing that might carry a stigma around with it. And to have progressed so far that you're just like, yeah, this is a choice. And I'm living my absolute best life with a child that I love who's thriving is. What's quite funny about that is that a lot of people say I'm really nervous to tell people. then actually feel quite disappointed sometimes when you tell people and they're like,

all right. No one gives a shit. And you're like, I was looking for a bit more. Yeah. And so it's actually becoming so much more common that sometimes not everybody, there will still be people with opinions on it, especially the daily mail readers have got a strong opinion on it. But so many people.

You're doing something right. I think if they're going to stay, then you're on the right track. But so many people are like, oh, cool. Yeah. And, you know, to don't bat an eyelid really, which is cool. Thank you so much for coming and speaking so openly about something like this. Where can people find you? What is your podcast?

So it's called The Stalk and I. It's important to clarify that that's stalk as in the bird that brings the baby. Other people have been looking for S-T-A-L-K. Great. I'm not stalking anyone. The Stalk and I are on Instagram and that's my podcast name as well. That's lovely. Thank you so much for coming on Mel.

I'm more than welcome. Lovely to meet you. Lovely to meet you. Amy, we've got to get out there. So, Amy, what do you think? I'm annoyed at how good that was, if I'm honest. I was genuinely hoping it would be fine. Like, I want it to be fine.

Don't get me wrong. But I didn't want it to zip along and zing along as it did. Well, I think it might be, it might just be me trying to fill a hole, fill a sirt hole. But, you know, there's only so long I can do that for Amy. Okay. Thank you so much to Mel Johnson. If you want to find out more information about Mel and her advocating single parenting,

you can find her at the stalk and I.com, or you can follow her on IG at the underscore, stalk, underscore, and underscore I. She's not made it easy. No, that's a tricky one to roll off the tongue, isn't it? That did not come out naturally, I will say. So thank you for that, Mel. And thank you. That was a really exciting, enlightening chat. Yeah, amazing. Well done all.

Well done, everybody. Hello, single ladies. If you're a single lady and you're interested in meeting other single people who are really furious about the direction of the Labour Party and a contemplating voting green for the first time, then you might meet them in the audience at one of my tour shows. I'm Nish Kumar and my stand-up comedy show is called Angry Humour from a Really Nice Guy. We're going to the UK and Ireland between September and November of 2006 and the tickets are available right now. I will, if requested, organise a dating service during the show. I would say if you're interested in meeting some very angry people, they will be at the show and they will be mad as hell. Tickets are available at nishcamore.coma.com.com.com.com.

None of this is legally binding. You may not meet your live partner at one of Nishkamars tour shows.