SleepyCabin - SleepyCast 01 - [Super Ghosts 'n Corpses: Poop Edition]

Episode Date: September 5, 2014

SleepyCast, episode...whatever. Stamper, Psychicpebbles, JohnnyUtah and Spazkid talk about...uh...Batman, ghosts, and fucking corpses. Then we talk about poop for ~30 minutes, and now I'm second guessing this whole podcast thing. http://sleepycabin.com/audio/sleepycast-01/ Note: The annoying 'white noise' in the BG is a fan running because it's like 98* in the damn office THANKS PENNSYLVANIA. Oh, sorry...TRANSYLVANIA hehe because spooky SleepyCabin, right? This episode starring: Stamper (www.youtube.com/StamperTV) Psychicpebbles (www.youtube.com/Psychicpebbles) Spazkid (www.youtube.com/Spazkidin3d) JohnnyUtah (http://johnnyutah.newgrounds.com) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Yo, we're on Patreon if you wanna throw us a buck! http://www.patreon.com/SleepyCabin +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ SleepyCabin Official Site! http://www.sleepycabin.com SleepyCabin on YouTube! http://www.youtube.com/SleepyCabin Stay tuned on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/SleepyCabin ...or Twitter! https://twitter.com/sleepycabin +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ We're on iTunes, too! Search for SleepyCabin!

There is a world as tangible as our own, impossible to see yet unavoidable to sense. A world enveloped by a seemingly unending ocean of forests. Buried deep in that forest, tucked away neatly within a blanket of twilight, lies a quaint little cabin. And in that cabin, it's a bunch of guys. He's a bunch bullshitter. Welcome to Sleepycast, home of Corey's father's vagina. No, really, is it time? Today's topic is Corey's father's vagina.

Corey, Emory. Introduce the... Fuck my dad. Introduce the... That's the idea. Yeah, you're the new comer, so you introduce your guest today. You're the host of today's show. I'm the host, okay.

Corey Spass Kid at YouTube.org. All right, well, how many of you just is like? Welcome to Sleepycast. I am Spass Kid. I am with Jeff. Do I say Johnny, Utah? You can if you'd like. You already did.

You already did. Yeah. Stamper TV. And, uh, Zach. You forgot his name. Psychic bubbles. Good enough. All right.

Is that cut print, sell it? Can we just like to... Yes, yes. Okay. Let's just get this show on the road. So... So, Zach and I were at I hop the other night discussing Batman and sick kids because that's just a fun topic. You know, there's these guys that go around.

What were you eating that brought up Batman and sickness? We saw Batman eating the IHop. It could as you know. Eat his eggs. No, no. That was just a... Never mind. Yeah.

Wait, hold on. No, that was just the waitress. Oh, that was. That's right. Wait, is this somehow going to lead to, like, a racial joke? What the hell are you talking about? I wasn't making a racist joke.

Yeah, what are you? What the hell, man? We were talking about bad things. It sounds like it's fucking seglating to a racist joke. Anyways, they, you know, call me crazy. No, no. You know, they have some of these guys

who just, like, clavent, to go screaming with cancer kids and they make it feel better. Not at eye hop. No, they're hospitals. No, people judge have to superheroes. This isn't fucking patch-out. I'm saying.

Maybe I fucking make a wish foundation. Some people dress up like clouds. Some people dress up like Batman and go talk to sick kids. Do that? What? What's your question? Do they? You actually do that?

Yes. People really do this. No. We're not even. We're not at the... I honestly thought that was at Make a Wish Foundation. We're not at the joke yet. This isn't a bit...

No. It's essentially the same thing. Imagine you're a kid and you're dying, right? What would you do? want. Imagine you're nine. To not die of cancer. People dress up as characters to cheer the kid up. Hey, it's me. I want Aquaman to come see me in the hospital

and splash water in my face. Yeah, but isn't that like Make a Wish Foundation? This is not what they do. No. People just dress up like Batman and wander into hospitals and make these kids feel better. I understand what I mean. That's what I thought. It's not an organization that does that. It's no request of a wish. It's just these guys who will make kids feel

better. I wasn't fucking thinking every single cancer association in the world that handles kids is a make your wish foundation. I just thought generally those kinds of people were the ones that dressed up as fucking Santa Claus you gave people Santa Claus. Let's just start over. Let's just start over. We can't we can't argue about this first half for 10 minutes.

We can edit it. Okay. So, Zach and I were at IHop. Yep. And we were talking about cancer and sick kids and The best things to eat too. Yeah, the best things to eat too. I was eating in a waffle talking about cancer. And we talked about how people dress up as superheroes and various other characters

that go into hospitals to cheer kids up. And we started, we found, I brought up the story about how this guy dresses Batman this rich asshole, who has nothing better to do at his time. It very selfishly tries to make himself feel better by going into a hospital. Can I interrupt? No. No. Was Batman eating

He wasn't an eye-up? A hot dog? Okay, well, cut that out. God damn it. Is this no. Is this like make a wish found this? By chance, is this It's like a Make A Wish Foundation sort of thing. No. There's a guy who's rich.

You're just so rich guys. It's a wealthy man. At IHop dressed up as Batman. That'd be close. So far from the story. Corey, shut up. Jeff. Continue. Please. I'm not even sure. There's a wealthy man. He dresses up his Batman. He drives a black Lamborghini to the hospital. He has a lot of money and a lot of time and he's bored and he wants to make kids feel better. So it goes? It's like his Batmobile?

It looks like a battle. There was a story where the cops pulled him over, and it was very funny for like a week on the internet because all these people had pictures of Batman talking to the cops on the side of the road, and they thought it was adorable. And so we were talking about this, how he goes into the hospital.

And, uh, Zach, why don't you just, uh... We were just saying, like, I'd think he'd be pretty sweet if it was dark night Batman. Yeah. Where's the cancer? Where is it? He just says choking the kid. Where is it?

Where are you? Smashing the kids out into the fucking thing. If I can interject, yes. Being a part of the cast. It took fucking 35 minutes to get out. Listen, I don't think Batman. Dark Night Batman, I might emphasize. I don't think he's going to go into a kid's hospital

and shake a kid to death and ask him where the cancer. You know if he's going to slam his head like he did to the joke? Or! It's horrible. You're going to fucking cut that. Slamber. Ler is hard for a dead. You're fucking insane.

Yeah. Thank you for listening. No, okay, seriously. A real topic. A real thing to shoot. A real thing to shoot the shit about it. Yeah, that wasn't a real topic. That was a big.

I thought it was a great topic. Batman, cancer. That was fucking stupid and something on the Reddit. Sorry. Bring your... Bring your Corey to the table. You know what Corey? So bring Christian to the table.

You know Christian Trump's Batman, Corey. Put Christian a Batman to do a rink and see who wins. What's a Christian? Corey. Wow us. Wow us, Corey. You better cut that out. What can I say?

I got a huge dick, and I ended up ready to use it. We need a fucking talk. Clocks. Clocks. Oh, my God, dude. Fucking, you want to talk about clocks? You like, circular clocks? You don't know what to say about clocks.

Oh, you want to talk about clocks. Have you ever, like, fallen asleep while listening to a clock, and then it almost, like, disappears entirely, and you forget? Like, the sound of the clock? Yeah, like, have you ever been asleep, right? And you were so droned out by this fucking ticking sound that the clock was making, that eventually you were thinking about it to a point where it was almost like getting quieter and quieter to a result of non-existent.

Like, until you fall asleep? No, like, actually, the ticking sound actually disappears. Have you ever actually experienced it? Yeah, like, have you ever experienced laying down? Yeah, like, laying down and then suddenly, like, you hear it... Yeah, oh, yeah, I fall asleep like a fan. But then it gets quieter. You can hear it actually getting quieter is what I'm talking about.

Is that ever happening, Ian? Yeah, what if you woke up in the middle of the night after, like, you fell asleep to the sound of, like, a ticking clock and you woke up in the middle of the night, and there was aliens standing around your bed, and one of the aliens, was making clicking sounds with his mouth, and he was like... Well, I'd be fucking terrified to begin with it. And he was smiling at you and shit. I don't give a shit if he was smiling.

He was a fucking alien. What if he just sort of sat down next to him? He just wanted to tell you a story. Would you run or would you... I push him off and I'm fucking broken-ass couch bed and telling him. You can't. You're paralyzed. Hit the hay.

Aliens paralyze you. He's paralyzed? Yeah. They surround your bed and you can't move, remember? Every alien abduction story ever. You wake up. That's your sleep paralysis. You wake up.

There's the alien. Steal yet you. Wanted from your face. Making clicking clock sounds? No. To emulate a clock on your wall? What if you were just buying a clock on your wall? All right.

Realistically, what if an alien was kissing you when he was death? And so he made really loud breathing sounds. Yeah. He was like, would you fuck with a deaf alien? What do you think a deaf alien would do? Do you think they go, yes? You think they still sound deaf? Like you deaf alien?

He pulls up in it. Jeff, you don't want to be here, do you? First of all, first of all, if an alien, rolled up and he was death. He came in... This is ponderous. Doing different will...

Doing different sign language. First of all, I'd be terrified that a giant gray alien was in my room. What if you started jerking you off? Would you love him? Yeah. Why are they always threatening?

What if there was a giant gray alien? You just said an alien was going to jerk you? No, no. That's not threatening? What if there's... What if you woke up in the middle of the night and you looked over and you saw an alien in your room, but he was just fucking with your shit

like turning off your alarm so you woke up late. Fucking... Like he wasn't doing anything. You don't have an alarm. Opening your sock drawer, closing it really fast. He was just like opening your drawers and sneaking out just to fuck with you. Pulling socks slightly in your drawers.

Sock drawer. Oh yeah, you keep all your clothes in like a bookshelf. That's where people keep books. I actually put all my clothes on the ground. Or severed heads. In a black bag. We need topics. There's no topic.

Boyce case, this is a temporary thing. All right, you want to talk about ghosts at one point? Sure. Ghosts. Since we are in Sleepycasts, we deal with like, fucking ghoulish topics. Corey, do you believe in ghosts? Yes or no?

Never experienced it. No, that wasn't the question. Do you believe in ghosts? Do you think they walk around your room nighttime when you're asleep? No. What would an ideal ghost experience be for you?

The ghost went up to me and touched me and showed me he was invisible. And he just... He showed you. What do you? What he was like, check it out, I'm invisible. What kind of ghost? What type of ghost would you like to meet?

He can't be wearing fucking Victorian outfits and he can't be all white. No, no Victorian outfits. He has to be a modern guy kind of chilling there drinking beer on a fucking couch. A ghost beer? Like somebody who died in a car accident like a few days ago and he just kind of wanders in. He's like, hey man, I'm dead. I would freak out, but yeah, that's the kind of ghost that would want to be. Why don't I pretend to be the ghost?

Okay. Hello. Ghost don't fucking. What's your name? This is in the 80s. Ghost don't. ghoul and how all right

hey man I'm a ghost what's your name I was kicking what's kicking dude I'm dead practical yeah don't

don't ghost they come in contact with you I'm dead nigga what's your name my name is Arnold my name's

my name's Omar I got shot yesterday I'm like why are you what are you I don't know I just appeared here yeah

you never see any autistic ghosts or they come into your room and they're like who are deaf goats? Maybe they're all autistic maybe they just don't they can't find their way to happen why do you think they go to those people who are like I'm thinking of a J

I'm thinking of a E those are the ones that's why they make the noise I'm thinking of an A I hear A is it Adam is an Ashley's Eble is it?

Would you help would you help me if I was a ghost Corey. If I was on a That's the question. Like, why would a dude that died yesterday in a car accident come to your house and he's like, oh, do you need to find the key to my treasure?

It should be like a ghost, a thing. He's a ghost. He needs help. He needs closure in his life? Yeah, you help him. Yeah. Look, if you died in a car accident because Zach was driving poorly, would you go visit somebody and ask for... Here's the thing. If it was a snaky situation where the guy was like, I need you to help me

and avenge my death, I bet, okay, what do you need? I need you to go to this place. I need you to fucking kill this guy. First of all, you're not going to talk to a ghost that casually. I need you to find my body. I'd be like, first of all, dude, you're telling me to go to a fucking abandoned house. And you want me to find your body. Corey, the first thing I would do if I talk to a ghost would go to like a scientist.

The first thing I would do if I talk to a ghost's shit myself. Who fuck is going to believe you? Why are you having a casual conversation with it? He just shows up why you sleeping. He was having a casual conversation with me. He's like, hey, Corey, wake up. Hey, dude, listen. I need you to go talk to this guy to fucking a fucking.

avenge my head. If he's having a casual conversation with me, I think the polite thing to do would not be to run and fucking leave. He's flown over your bed. He's flown over your bed glowing blue. Wait, here's a scenario. Corey, I'm a, I'm a dead guy. I said, listen. What if Jeff really was a dead guy? He's been a cold time. Wait. Let's just say, let's say a guy came to you. Listen, I died and my girlfriend died in a car accident and I'm stuck here. And I feel like I need to I feel like I miss her so much. I need to... See your dead body.

Yeah, it's like, I feel like if you were to... If you can dig me up and dig her up and then have... And then kind of make our two corpses kiss. Like, push our two dead corpse faces together. Holy shit. No, I'm serious. I know this is crazy. And he's like, just having us kind of make out.

Like, pull our tons out of our faces. Well, here's the thing. I'd be like, all right, dude. And you can put us back. No, I'd be like... I just want to embrace her one of time. I understand, but it is a felony to dig up dead bodies and force them to kiss like puppets. So you...

But I'll... stuck here forever if you don't say whatever, say my problem dude, I don't want to go to jail Yo, what if a ghost visited you And did this and asked you to do the same exact thing, right? Make corpse's kiss like puppets? You did it and then the cops got you

And they put you in prison for defiling gravesites. Which would happen? And then the ghost visited you in prison and he was like, can't believe you fell for that, you fucking dumb ass. I would tell so many scientists What did you talk to about? That would fucking show. Then you'd be a fucking weirdo in prison talking about ghosts.

Corey, you get like the top six months in jail for defying a corpse. Like, they're already dead. Here's the thing. You won't even get a year. Here's the thing. I know, I've done it. No, if a ghost came up to me and he was like, I need you to dig up my wife and make me kiss her with my other corpse body, I would be like, no. I'm not going to do that.

You follow that. Corey, I got a better scenario. He says, look, I was a rich guy. I had a million dollars. I know what it is, but I will tell you, but I had a big fantasy before I died. I was really into watching my wife get fucked by other guys, but I was. never got to see it. So you gotta dig my dead wipe up and fuck her. And I'll give you a million

dollars. That is somewhere. Why did you come to me for this shit, dude? He says, I got work to do. Fuck. You got a nice jaw. You got a big fat dick. I'll look out for the cops for you. I guarantee you won't get caught and I'll pay you a million dollars. You can just do this. Nobody will

know. I'd be like, I am not going to be blackmailed by a ghost. Excuse me, sir. I will not. I will refuse. now get out of my house good day he's like all right sir you'd be like okay you drive a hard bargain

I'll give you two million dollars I'd be like well sigh me up then I go to the I go there and I would dig her up take a step take a step by step all right so you dig her up then what I would not do that

I'd go back and be like oh man Would you gently she wasn't there I look for her What she wasn't in her grave You fucking liar You gotta believe that He's a girl

He can see everything He's like he's walking behind you See what you're doing I'm seeing me. He walks in the grave and you'd be like, oh, he'd be like, dude, I'm right here. I see it. I know what you're gonna do.

Don't even try it. Like, make sure you're gentle with her. Just gently, gently caress her. She likes to her neck to be kissed. Well, if that was his fantasy, wouldn't the ghost be like standing next to you beating off the one? Yeah.

Here's the thing. And that brings up other questions. Do they shoot ghost loads? What if you come too fast? Would he like cancel the deal and be like, you didn't give me what I wanted? It just like turns into Spar.

Shoots out and turns into Spar. Coles or something. Like a little, yeah, like fairy mist, it just shoots out. You like to sound about that? All you do is do it, Corey, and then he disappeared, and he'd be like, thank you, and then he kind of dissimmed into heaven.

That is, that's what it goes to do. That's how he gets into heaven. Just bring some Vaseline and get it over with. All right, so after the good deed is done and he shines off to heaven. Yeah. We're talking about the good cops. The cops kicked down my door and go to stairs.

All right, let's say, let's say, we saw, we, all right, dude. No, you're Siemens in her fucking pussy. This is a script for a movie. And at the end of it, you find out that the guy that was being talked to by ghost the whole time was a fucking nutcase. And he just, like, fucking dead poopers. I was going to say, what if it's one of his friends with a tamper corner in his pocket, pull in his friend the whole time? Let me be, let me, all right, I'm the cop.

I come to a door say knock, knock, knock. That tape recorder. Who's there? Uh, police. Uh, police. I just, well, I want to ask a few questions. Police, who? Sir, we don't have time for games. This is a serious matter.

Please open the door. with the door. All right. I know how unlikely this is, sir, you know, one of our other officers were towing the graveyard and we found one of your shoes, and you're the only guy in the neighborhood who wears these shoes with, like, these neon shoelaces. Why would, Corey, why would you leave a shoe behind? And we're just, it is impossible.

It was dark. I tripped over a branch. So you admit to be, though. My partner and I have been looking at the crime scene now. Now the cop's going to smell your dick and smell dead body on it. So what are you laughing at this? What, do you hear something, sir? All right.

We think one of the bodies was the file. Too late. I'm already sliding out the door like a salamander. Right in front of the cops. No, he got you. No. Yeah. You're in jail. There's cops in the backyard.

Have you ever seen Terminator? There are cops in the backyard. There's cops everywhere. I turned into liquid nitrogen. You told me fucking twist cheese if you try to run, dude. Liquid nitrogen is what killed him. The dead, the dead body division was in your house surrounded. He's both.

It's like, listen. Oh, yeah. Wait, yeah, it was lava. We don't. He drives, dude, it's close. Corey. It's not surrounded by cops and they're coming in all the nicely. He's like, listen, sir, we don't have absolute evidence it was you.

But would you like to possibly admit you did it or would you just like to drag this out further? Would you, we don't know if we'll catch you. Here's what I would say. That was really elaborate. I would say. Fuck, man. I had dreams about this. This is what I would say.

If a policeman came to me and he said that I felt someone's late wife, I would be like, listen, sir. I was visited by a ghost and he told me to fuck his wife because that was. his fantasy. I was only doing what he asked. Ask him, he's right here. All right. Well, thank you for your honesty. Now, please turn around and put your arms on your back. Thank you. I want to be arrested for now? What the fuck?

All right, you're going to be overnight. We're spent overnight in the jail and you're going to get a little drug test, sir. Just please cooperate. Don't resist. Get your hands off me. I'm an American citizen. Americans can get arrested too, sir. Put your hands by your back.

Put your hands by your back. Put your cell phone down I'm just curious sir Was it like fucking sandpaper Or what was it like sir I'm just I imagine it's a morbid curiosity I imagine it'd be decomposed

It could be a little bit How long was she even It was like fucking a sock Let's say two days It was like fucking a sock With maggots wrapped around the cock Why is it like a sock Why is it like a sock

What are you talking about? I said it was like fucking a sock With old meat and it with maggots wrapped around Because sometimes it's easier to masturbate Into a sock as opposed to shooting it on a piece of paper towel or a towel. All right, what were we talking about? What if you got formaldehyde? Holy fuck.

And then it preserved your dick. What's formaldehyde? Forever? And like you just had a baby peach dick. They pump it. They remove the blood from bodies and pump in formaldehyde to sort of preserve them for a time. It slows down the decomposing process. It's like you go mourn in the open caskets without being disgusted by the maggots crawling through your dead grandma.

Yeah. So they can look. Is there actually maggots going through them usually? Not yet. But they get through the casket, maybe. But see, even that, I don't think so, because a lot of people are pretty well sealed. Yeah, it seems like I actually heard something. I feel like it's a misconception of older caskets.

I actually heard something. Since we're talking about dead people, I actually heard this. I don't know if it's true. But I remember hearing this theory that, like, fucking caskets are like complete bullshit, how people pay like $17,000 for a casket. And then when they bury their loved one, ultimately, when they're buried, they cave in immediately to like... ground were cated though, wouldn't it? No, no, like the caskets actually cave in, so almost every casket

cave in, that's not true. It's not true. Because bodies get exhumed all the time for various reasons, so. Yeah, no, yeah, they have the dick up body sometimes. Yeah, no. No, if you're, and I think, I think they encased sometimes, they encase the cascade of, like, concrete or something. Well, could you imagine if you paid, like... Do you're talking about, like, Mythbusters or something like that? I could have sworn. If they, if the second they dropped the door, it collapsed, the fucking ground collapsed, because it's... I think that was a Mythbusters episode of And they, like, fucking debunked it as being bullshit. No, no, they debunked it if you could breathe.

If it was possibly buried six feet under and, like, you know, still live. Yeah. From suffocating. Through a store or something? No, from, like, living six feet of years. There is those fucked up funeral homes where you pay for a coffin and they put you in a fucked up box and just, like, bury you. And they take your money as a profit. They're expensive, man.

Corey. Corey. Yeah, Barrensen was really expensive. Let's say, um, Stamper, Zach, me, and Chris all died. Okay. But we will. You're alive, and you went to the funeral home, they said, listen,

we, us guys at the funeral home are big fans of internet animation, and we're going to give you four caskets for free. But they're like, but they're like, we have the really good one, the okay one, the not so good one, and there's a really terrible one. So would you like to just tell us which body you'd like in which casket? Yeah. Go. Go.

Who gets the best casket? Yeah, who gets the best casket? You're on the spot. The three of us and Chris. Yeah. Me? Stamper. Psychic Pabble Zach, Johnny Utah, and Chris O'Neill, aka O'Ne. Four caskets of degrading quality. Best to the worst. So essentially, he's literally like, you see a fucking gold rim casket. Then you see one that's, like, falling over with fucking dirtwood.

And then you see one, like, the wooden cup in Indiana Jones, where it's like... Then there's, like, a cardboard box. What's literally a wooded box with, like, Depot. One's literally a shoebox where they have to cut you into parts and maybe put a couple parts in it. I would ask him if we could not do the last one. No, shut up, asshole. And say,

you would ask him what kind of business he's running because this is a bullshit. I put Chris and Zach and casket number three together. No, you can't remember that. I think I would, the biggest casket, I would put the best casket. No, yeah, you knew it. I saw you smile. The best casket. You need to be honest. The best

casket with gold rib and everything. Yeah. I would put two people inside of it to save money. That would make the afterlife to horrible because they're normal size caskets. It's not like a like, sir, I would put Chris and Stamper both in the gold

casket. Oh, we see now. So wait. And then I would put... So this is begs the question who gets the worst casket, me or Zach? And there's still two other left fucking eyeball my whole body. I'm dead, man. Who gets the worst cat? Who gets... Who gets the

fucking shoebox for me? Who gets the shoebox that gets invaded by, the worst one gets filled of maggots too, like in a week. Immediately. You got to, we're fucked. Like, our body is fucked, so. Who, who, Corey? Zach, you can have the shoebox since you fucking don't care. I do

care. I'm terrified of dead. I don't want to die. Yeah, but you're, you're accepting of like a life of dirt. A life of dirt. You can live with the shoebox. Horrible. All right, you can live in the Indiana Jones box. When you die, when you die before you base, I'm going to put you in a fucking shoebox. You swore

your allegiance, buddy, Corey. I want to be. fucking burn. You're in a shoebox. I want to be cremated. No, you're that fucking shoebox. You can still fit into a shoebox if you were cremated. What if the guy was like, but listen we have a special today. If you volunteer to kill yourself

and test out our new experimental casket we have here, we'll give all four of these guys the best caskets ever. I'd be like, dude, that's like giving them fucking like a few thousand dollars for a casket over my entire life. Yeah. How about fuck you? Here's a, here's a dick. I just don't want to play along,

do you? No, fuck no. That's bullshit. Here's a deeper question. You can't think about it for more than one second. Okay. If me and Jeff and Zach and Chris, we're all going to die, but you can sacrifice your life for the lives of all four of us. What would you do? Go. Yes or no? You already fucked up. Yes or no.

What? What was the question? You know what the fucking question is. What was the question? Sorry. Would you risk your life if you know we were all going to. Would you sacrifice yourself of all four of us? We're going to die to save us.

Trade your life for all four. of us. Could I trade like half my life? No. What kind of half your life? What, like cut off your legs and half of your brain? So you're just like this mess of nonsense and trying to animate, but not really doing it very well? What if they said

all right, you can chop off your dick to save one of them? Wait, how in any fucking, like, science now is where I would kill myself and save four people? Because you're, because you're, we've all been captured by terrorists, Corey, and they're playing sick games with us. It's evil. It's

It's not like a legitimate science. We're in Dr. Evil's cake, like, you know. Dr. Evil's play cake. Play kit. We're in his... Do you remember those fucking things you get when you got it? But when you were a kid, your parents spent like $48 to get you these fucking like things where you make bugs out of like gummy worms and shit?

Yeah. You make like gummy bugs and then you eat them. And then that's it. You spend $48 on something that you have fucking three packets of and then you're done with it. And you never think about it again. Uh-huh. That make you sad? What is that I have to do with...

Did you ever have those? Anyways, to answer your question about a mad scientist... Yeah, you're a mad scientist's, like, torture chamber. He's like, it's very simple, Corey. They die or you die. That's it. Choose. And he's doing the thing where he's sharpening a knife with that sharpening rod.

I'm like, why can't I live? We're all tied to a table and the big lasers coming at us. You sit there look to you, but you do that as questions. Listen, you got 30 seconds, buddy. You gotta choose. Or you all die. Yeah, or you all dying. I bet you see you guys.

You would too. You would too, you ask. And then he fucking kills me anyways. Then you're like, oh, I didn't see that one coming. I got from fucking dead and we're hanging out as ghosts. You're a terrible. You're a terrible friend, Corey. You would do the same thing?

Jeff, would you sacrifice your life? I am terrible. I thought you were at least better than me. No, I'm stupid. Jeff, would you sacrifice to our life? For what? For the four of us. For us and what is?

All right. Realistically. Realistically. You're horrible. Of course I wouldn't do it. Did you? What? Would you?

Well, I was going to kill myself anyway, so yeah. You didn't have it. Yeah, I don't know either. I'd at least stand there and pretend to think about it in front of you guys, so we feel bad. Could I run away? I would stay. So, wait a second. There's just one weird medical guy standing in the middle of the room.

There's like five of us. Let's just bum rush him. Let's just get it. All right. Fair enough. I mean, if there was no choice, I don't get me wrong. I'd feel really bad about it. it. I'd be fucking dead. I don't care. I don't think I'd be brave enough.

What about you? What would you do? Stamper's idea. She's gonna kill yourself anyways. In the real life, wait, wait, wait. There's five of us in this room and he's playing fucking games and then you two are like, well, we're just gonna up ourselves anyway. So, why don't we get ahead of the curve? What do I think, Dr. Evil? Wait, hold on. If you, if you motherfuckers were gonna kill yourself and I was supposed to save four of you, so I basically...

Save only Jeff. I save two four of those... That makes sense. That's good enough for me. Yeah. That's stupid. I would be like, fuck you guys. Oh, you know what I do? Because that's what I do. You know what I do. Here's what I do.

I would say, no. You guys would all die, and then I'd kill myself. So everybody wins. I make this easier. The guys are like, all right, listen, I feel bad. I'll save Jeff's life if I can just cut off your non-dominant arm. I'll allow you still animate, but I want your non-dominant arm, and Jeff can live. I had a dream about that.

Really? I had a dream. What would you do? Do you let me die? Okay. Like literally with like Jeff in it No no no no Your arm and I'll tell you this is what happened

This guy I would There's these guys They showed up at the house one day There's these guys in like black suits They're like come with us We're doing any experiments And I'm like I'm not coming with you And then they promised me all this money

And they show me this stuff on the computer And I was like oh Because I'm just dream me is stupid So I get in a big black car And I'm just like Dream me I'm twiddling my thumbs And then I go to this building

This huge fucking like building This giant glass building And I go inside And I go to this guy And he's like we're gonna cut off your left hand, but in return, we are going to give you a superpower. And I'm like, any superpower. He's like, you have a list of superpowers to choose from. And the first one was flying.

What about growing your left hand back? What about regeneration? What would be great? There's a rooting story. So I was like, I didn't want to shit, man. I was like, okay, you can remove my left hand as long as I can, like, fly. And then when I woke up, I could fly. So I was like, oh, man, this is awesome.

So when I came back, a person's like, okay, we want to remove your entire arm. And I was like, okay. And they're like, if we do that, we'll give you another superpower. And I'm like, okay. Because they told me how, like, they would take my genes from my hand. That's how they would manipulate my DNA to grow everything. So I was like, all right. So after that, I had super strength.

So I was, like, really fucking strong. And nobody messed in me. And I was really popular at school. And then, like, I went back. I was, like, I were back in school for some reason. At the end of this dream, were you, like, the most powerful human in the world? But you were, like, a quadriplegic that couldn't even move? No, no, hold on.

Hold on. What happened was I went back. And they're like, we're going to remove your leg, but we're going to give you another superpower. And I'm like, okay, which leg? Like, we're going to remove this one. I'm like, all right. So, yes, I wasn't a wheelchair. Yeah, I could still fly.

So I was like in a wheelchair flying. I still had super strict. Wait, you were in a wheelchair? So I could still pick up a hand and throw shit. Did you have to hold the wheelchair as you flew? I could also control time and everything. Oh. So I had the, but I can only control time.

Like, I had a limited amount of hours. I could control time a day or something. So I was like, okay. Then I went back. Like, we're going to remove your right hand. And I'm like, I'm done. And then I left and I woke up and I'm like, oh. How do you control time? What can you do?

It was like I was given a few hours. Like you're given six hours a day to control whatever you want. So I could slow time down. I could speed time up. I could pause time for six hours. I just had six hours a day to do whatever I wanted. I hate how reckless you are, man. Are you serious? You were just like, yeah, take that. Yeah, take that. Yeah, take that's fine. Yeah, take that. Okay. Now, this is too far. It's the most elaborate sidestep ever to asking if I would. God, that was my dream. So would you lose your arm to save my life?

Yes. No, not in real life. Well, there's your answer. Fair enough, fair enough. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, John. It's all right. It's all right.

You're my friend, but I don't want to lose my hand. But you will lose your hand, your arm, and your leg to fly around in a wheelchair. With superpowers. It's like a rocket-powered wheelchair. You're not flying and holding it. You have to hold it. Yeah, I was strapped in. Like a race car.

Oh, so why were you on a, wheelchair before you lost your leg. I had wings. I was flying with the wings. That still doesn't answer the question. Why were you in a wheelchair to begin with? Because this is my fucking dream. I had no legs. I couldn't use crawlers. Do you have legs, though? I had one leg.

Do you feel inherently handicapped somehow? Like, you just need a wheelchair. Or did I get the time frame mixed up? No. I had a wheelchair when I had no left. I thought you had a wheelchair before you lost your leg. I basically lost this whole half of my body. What? If you had wings, would you like angel wings or bat wings?

Or some other kind of wings They were fire dragon wings Yeah you have like They're on fire You have like cool wings Like gin Like devil jinn No I have like

I have like fucking angel wings or something They black or white Sometimes they're black They were white but they had fire streaks Yeah wings in real life It'd be a bird and wake up And you have feathers all over your bed What were you talking?

What about goat horns Would you be willing to just have Goat horns on your head Sure Everybody thought they were cool but you like just couldn't even sleep at night because they were always in the way. You find a way. What time is it?

It's midnight. All right. So we need another topic. This has gone like a weirdest fucking tangent in existence. Like we were talking about ghosts and they were talking about stupid fucking dreams and saving people's lives. Welcome to the podcast. Welcome to the podcast. No, seriously, like I'm out.

I can't think of anything. I'm gone. That's my tangent. That's my dream story. You're gone out. You're over. Actually, if we're talking about it. about dreams. One of the most common dreams I have

are very vivid zombie dreams. I've been having zombie dreams a lot and I don't really like zombies. What happens in these zombie dreams? I never actually... I never actually... Why did you ask him that like a psychiatrist? You're like sitting in this chair and you're like, what happens in these

zombie dreams that you have? How is this affected by your father in the way his big vagina would make you feel? Shall we all share our terrible nightmares? Yeah, I should that was not really a nightmare. Actually, like, my last... Generally, how my dreams start with, like, zombie dreams

is, like, how any other one starts. It's just, like, it's a big build-up to ultimately being caught or something, being, like, I'm about to get eaten that I wake up. What if they ate all your rent money? What you do? In all my rent? They just, like, ate my fucking... Yeah, they like money.

Fuck, or I'd fucking be mad. Oh, wait, wait, no, I got a good topic. I would tell you, I would be truthful and say zombies ate my fucking rent money, sorry. Yeah, and I... I'll believe that one. I'll show you the marks. I'd give you the benefit of the doubt.

I'd look out the curtains and see if there were zombies outside. And then I'd come back upstairs and be like, Corey, where's the money, Ed? Because you're full of shit. I'd be like, there's zombies outside. They ate the red food. And then I'd be like, really? They ate your PayPal account?

I'd be like, don't worry. I don't think the fucking landmorn's going to come anytime soon. She's probably being eaten right now. Doesn't sound very believable. Let's say you're a liar. It happens. The liar. It happens. Can't you just pay the rent, Corey?

I pay the rent. Okay, wait, no, so here's a good topic. All right. What if your father came up to you and he said, Corey, I'm going to pull your butt apart and fuck you. And if you don't let me do it, I'm going to kill your mom. Yeah? What would you do?

You shake your head. Positively. What if he said, listen, just wipe well this morning because we're going to have some fun today. I'd be like, you can't fuck what you could see. He just run away. You can't fuck what you can't see? What do you mean? You can't fuck what you can't see?

Is that a home? Is that a home? What'd you get that from? He'd run away and it'd be like a little cloud-shaped cori. Would you try to plug up your butt hole? Would you try to put like a cork bottle? I just run away. Let's say you're locked in the room with him.

And he said, listen, I'm going to pull your butt apart and do my thing. And you have to talk your way out of it. There's a perfectly good window to jump through. No windows. No windows. He finds a window. He puts you in the bedroom. But he has you in the basement.

Yeah, it's no... There's no... There's no... There's no... There's nowhere to go. So, my dad took me into the basement. Yeah, it's your basement. That's easier.

Here's what happens. Here's what happens. But our basement had windows. Corey, go to the cellar. It's a new house. Corey, go to the cellar. Get your old man some beer. Go downstairs.

Good luck. Corey. Playtime. I would still be getting a beer. I would be too specific. Do that happen to you? No, don't worry about it. Your old name?

Hold on. Nobody's old man just keeps beer in the cellar and then sings his song. So it's a badass. Hold on, hold on. Okay, so I go downstairs. Look, stop with the windows and the escapeway. First of all, first of all, I would go downstairs. I get the beer. Even if he's like, worry, I'm like, all right, get in the beer.

Hold on. And I get the beer. You see his silhouette. He's flexing. Okay. I still give him the beer. I'm like, this is what you want? He says, what do you think of Papa's biceps?

Why does he sound Russian? He's trying to intimidate you. He's trying to intimidate you. He's trying to. He's trying to just... Cory, look at your... He looks at your daddy. He keeps all his workout gear in the basement.

He does. He actually did. He actually did. He balks up next to you. He makes him feel important. He's like, Corey, do you think I could break a brick with my head? I probably could, but I could still fuck you.

What if he'd come here? What if he just puts some lipstick on? He says, just give daddy a little kiss. Dad-da-da. My dad specifically said he wasn't gay. Has he fucked you? He doesn't have to be gay. He doesn't have that conversation.

He's like, listen, son, Even though you're a product of my balls balls I'm not gay. He had to tell you this. What did you accuse him of being gay? They're eating dinner. How's the roast people? I'm not gay. Okay Ways to go with this and this is the one I don't want it to go. Yeah So many other ways we can do this. You know what's disgusting about the trombone? What? I pulled the thing off the front and just this black spit just poured out of it. That's what happens with trombone. You know what I used to have arrested one? instrument. I used to have a rusted one, which was like a piece of shit, the one you actually grew up with, it wasn't plastic.

I didn't grow up with a trombone. It was the one you grow up with. And it, at the bottom of it, they always have black spit because it's a mixture of band. Man, nobody wants to hear this shit. It's disgusting. Disgusting. They were, yeah, they were here, but you're dead fucking you. Get back to the that gross stuff. They just can't answer. They don't want to answer, do you? What was it?

What was it? What was a question? Corey? Playtime. Come kiss daddy. This is the fuck theme song? Put the trombes song to your dad walking you. Put the trombone down faggit. Is this the scary music as your dad approaches your faster, faster? Cory!

Come here! They've just heard for a long time. That's what Corey does when he's upset about his past. He starts playing the trombone. Hey Corey, remember your dad? Pahpaw! Poooooo! Anyways...

To answer your question, if my dad If my dad came down, he was like, Corey, what the fuck I was supposed to do? We locked the fucking basement. There's no windows. I guess I'm getting fucked. Nobody said he locked it. Where did that come from from you? I saw this.

I have to stop him from escaping because apparently there's windows and escape routes in every single scenario. But we were asking, how would you talk to? Yeah, there's also ice cream and every other amenity too. How would you talk you at it, Corey? Hey, Corey, here's this really interesting scenario. What would you do? I would run away. I'd run away from the situation.

The scenario is fucking stink. It's usually me getting raped or money. That's because it's funny. You're supposed to come up with an answer. That's not fair. Would you fight your father or said, listen. Dude, my dad used to be a bodybuilder, no. Your dad used to be a what?

So you just take it. Bodybuilding. You wouldn't even attempt to stop him. He used to build his body. My dad used to take the Arnold Schwarzenegger videos. He used to study them and work out. My mom actually met my dad from being a bodybuilder at like a competition. That's how she fell in love with him.

Do you want a bodybuild? No. Did she fall in love with him? Or did she just like how Jackty was? How he could pick up and fucking jacked he was? hammer her off the... I should have said that. That's my mom. Anyways, what we were talking about...

Corey's moms. Maybe she just liked how he could pick her up in jackhammer. Back to the story. I'm getting beer, you know? You know, Corey, 15 minutes ago, all you could have said was... Yeah. And then we would have been on a different topic. What was the topic? Something about your dad raping you, but now it's not even funny anymore. Now it's just really sad and disturbing. It's pretty funny. Well, just answer it.

Okay. What do you say you have one sentence? Okay. You have one sentence. Corey, you want to fuck that, da? He's not fucking Adam's family. Say, Corey, son. Corey.

Son, I'll let you go, but you have to tell me a funny joke. Because you're a funny guy, apparently. That's what the internet says, apparently. My dad doesn't know anything about my guy. Let's say he does. This is hypothetical. Yeah, tell your dad a funny joke. Tell me a joke.

Tell me a joke, and I'll go, You can make me laugh. I'll go shove a little up my ass and leave you alone. I'll go upstairs and jack off and go to sleep. Yeah, go. It's a little funny joke. He puts his hands on his hips. He's like, all right, I'm ready.

Trust me. Funny, man. Jokes are funny. They're delivering. He's standing there with a hard wiener, and you're going to be like, dad, jokes aren't funny. Listen, his dick is throbbing in front of you,

and all you have to do is say a joke, and you can leave. You can walk out and never have to, never. What if it's not funny? What did the chicken say to the road? What did the chicken? What did the chicken say to the road? Cocker...

And then he fucked you. You fucked up. You lost. God! He lost that game. They just made him harder, watching you fail. He wants you to take initiative, Corey. This is his whole thing.

He's like, he's trying to scare you into... I can't... I can't... I can't... I can't think of a joke. All right. Well, give me an... I don't know.

I'll tell him a riddle. Fuck it. Fuck it. Just bend over then, because you're worthless. Stamper, what if your dad was going to fuck you in your basement? What would you say you did you did? You dad's right? You're...

and sticky. My ass will sue you fuck me. The end. A stick. Okay. That's the only joke I have. Oh no wait wait wait wait. Your dad's running up to you like a big old grizzly bear he's gonna fuck you What do you say? Big old grizzly bear. What's it's gonna fuck you what do you when you start warding people off with jokes like he's your dad's running to you like a grizzly bear trying to fuck you and you're like dad wait Why did Dracula turn it to a vegetarian? He just turned to run and fucks you What he had choices like that? What? Well, see, actually answers that one. I can't want to know.

Why did Dracula do it do vegetarian? Because he heard steak was bad for his heart. It's too late. I think he's got to fuck your heart after that. Yeah, he's fucking me, and I'm like, because steak was bad for his heart. Oh, I get it. That's pretty funny.

Tell me, tell me a joke. I'm going to be Corey. I'm going to pretend to be Corey right now. How many? Banana. I guess you're going to be. Did you just, like, jumpstart a knock-knock joke and just go straight to banana?

You fucking bailed pretty fast, man. You stopped halfway through. Okay, Joe, let me tell you a joke. Yeah. I'm not a joke. I'm not a joke, but I'll... All right, I'm Corey. Tell me the joke.

Hey, that's not what I sound like. Yeah, it is. It's all just like this. Yeah, shut up, me. Do I actually sound like it? Yeah. Yeah. Do I really?

Yeah. It sounds like this. I play the trombone. I animate all the bunch of port of play the trombone. That's pretty accurate. I hate wawa sandwiches. I hate wawa sandwiches. Really?

I hate Wawa That's what I bet When I had my last fucking Yeah Exactly It was a thing Like being chat And we go to like

Get like Wawa Sandwiches Yeah We go to Wawa I'm you I'm listening I'm sorry We go to Wawa

We get a sandwich I got a chicken And I'm like man A chicken Wawa sandwich Sounds good So I got a chicken Brested Wawa sandwich

I went home Open it up They fucking Wrapped it wrong They made it like a taco They put the damn paper inside of it And then when I

Open it up It fell apart So that was already putting a bad taste in the mouth Yeah, it was a pretty bad day Yeah, I have an idea Sorry me Continue I have an idea Let's use with switch rolls

You be Corey, Corey, you be Jeff Alright Alright, I'll be Jeff Wait, wait, who am I again? You guys switching those two are switching Oh so I'm you Okay So, uh

Yeah, hey Jeff Why are you sighing? Hey, hey, hey Corey Come on, that's fucking stupid with what are you fucking retarded? Hey, Corey, who would win in a fight

between, uh, Hitler and, who's the answer? Who fucking cares? Hitler and, uh, and, uh,

and Corey. I'm really good at animating giz. Uh, really good at animating tits and giz. This is a fucking disaster already. I'm working on all day. I'm so,

so, so awesome. I just animate all day. Uh, I don't know. Hey, hey, Corey,

we stop this. It's done. Joe Biden. Thoughts? Oh, come. Stamper, I can't cook spaghetti With meat sauce

They're good at it, I'm bad You want to you? That was good Alright, what do you be? That was good What do you be me? Go ahead Alright, I'll be Jeff. You be Jeff You be Jeff and you be Jeff Alright, go

So, me, what's going on? I saw a gross guy on the way from here Nothing I'm just kind of tired Am I this hard? Ripple to me with this is this podcast will just call apart. This is a disaster. I really need you guys to play off of if I just talk to myself all day.

Yeah, I don't feel like talking. Yeah, me neither. Corey, could you be a doll and hand me one of those since you're closer? Thanks, BB. What kind of beer? The one, that one. Here, catch. Cool. You got the hiccups again.

this good. That'll help a lot. What's the topic? I had a really vivid dream one time that the cops were at my door, and I was in the process of pulling someone's fucking deep out of their school to get rid of the evidence so they couldn't identify the body. Yeah.

Then what? And I woke up. They're a big heart on. Hey, Corey. You know that song that's like, oh say, can you see by the Don's Early Light thing? Sing that. Go. Oh, say, can you see? But it's utterly It's

shaped by the roof Oh, no. Gleaming. And I just wanted you to hiccup constantly. I almost had it. All right, all right. Dude, I'm done. I have a scary story.

One time I took a poop and I wiped and I looked at the paper. There was a lot of poop. I want to go home. And I wiped. again. I want to jerk off and I want to go to bed. How common is that for people to look at the toilet paper

after they wipe their... Do you not do that? No. But I see people animating cartoons where somebody gets off a toilet and looks at the paper after they wipe their ass. It's like, really? Do you really see people do that? Look, I go... Yes. You know what I do? I wipe my ass and I drop it. To make sure that I got

out of the poop off. Do you not do that? How dirty is your ass, tamper? What are you talking about? Watch. Okay. You know what? If I wipe a little... You know what? If I wipe my ass three times and every time it gets a little bit drier. No, because sometimes you could have turned in half, but you just grind the turd down with the paper, you know what I mean? You don't push all the shit out of your ass?

I do, but sometimes I go up, I cut it in the half, I prematurely... Here's what I do. You prematurely wipe your ass? Here's a step-by-step process of how I wipe my ass. I'm going to walk in a shit. You look, though, right? No.

Should I tell the story of the phantom shitter? Tell the story of the phantom shitter. Well, long ago. Wars, Episode 6, the Phantom Shitter. A long time ago when I was in college. A few friends of mine living in an apartment and three of us, as well as a

new guy who we had a space open and there was an opening, so he moved in with us to help sort of split up the rent. And three of us were named Jeff. As you were saying, I kind of went by Jeff 2 because the other Jeff was much more ripped than I was.

Was there Jeff 3 or was it just Jeff 2 and Jeff the Jeff? The other Jeff Yeah, there was a Jeff 3 that we didn't really know very well either. But you all called him Jeff 3? Yeah. Well, no. No, we just called it. Why didn't you do Jeff, Jeff Jr., Jeff Senior?

Jeff Senior. I don't know. But this is the story of the Phantom Shitter. So basically, the point of the story is every once in a while we go into the bathroom, the toilet seat would be down, and we'd lift the toilet seat, and it'd be a perfectly formed shit floating in the toilet. I'd be like, what is the deal with it? There was never any toilet paper.

It was just a big turd floating in the toilet. So we'd think, hmm, this is interesting. And we'd flush it and go about our day. But this kept happening over and over, continually for weeks. We'd go in, any time we'd see the toilet seat down, we'd be like, there's a fucking turd floating in there. I know it. And no toilet paper.

Never a shred of toilet paper in the toilet. Even though there's toilet paper hanging on the wall, never in the toilet bowl. That is disgusting. So we'd always have this internal. conflict, do we just flush it and not even look, or do we just open it up anyway to punish ourselves because we know it's there. So we always

usually lift the toilet seat lid. It's always there, this big fucking turd. How often? What's a day? What's a week? Every few days, we'd say it. We just cannot. And because myself and my other two friends, we'd 'd start getting paranoid. You'd think we're fucking with each other. We're like, surely it can't be the new

guy. Why would he be fucking with us like this? This is something like we'd do to each other and then lie about it. So, we'd go on for weeks accusing each other nobody everybody believed the other was lying nobody owned up to it yeah this went on for fucking weeks

so eventually I just put up a huge sign in the bathroom when I said like attention to phantom shitter and you know stop shitting in the toilet bowl and not flushing and you know this whole this whole big rant and I drew a picture of him shitting in the toilet did you draw a question of his face was it like a Charlie Brown

ghost just shitting in the carna yeah I just like I've had enough of this so the one so eventually there's a fourth guy we didn't know very well, he started laughing. He was in the bathroom and I heard him bust out laughing and he comes out and he's like, I'm the fandom shitter. And I'm like, wait, what? It's like you sound like you're surprised.

Like, like, what is going on here? Like, you're, are you, were you fucking with us? Because we don't know why you're doing this stuff. This has been going on for weeks, man. He's like, oh, I, I'm sorry. I didn't, usually I just take a shit and then I jump in the shower. And I guess I just forget to flush. They're like, you,

Dibb in the shower, this is like 25 times. Does he wipe in the shower? Yeah, I guess he just opens his ass up in the shower and cleans his ass out with the shower water. He doesn't believe in toilet paper. Why waste toilet paper? Why waste toilet paper? Who hasn't done that before?

I've never done it. I do it every day. I don't do it. I don't do it after a shit. If there's no toilet paper, I will jump in the shower. I am the fan of shitter in the shit running down your legs. So, yeah, I was very upset. I've never.

You say you've done this if there's no toilet paper? I've done it if there's no toilet paper. I'm saying I, when I shower, I split my ass to face the shower. If there was absolutely nothing, nothing to wipe with. Maybe I'll do it. Yeah, that's the thing. Then now, it's like, there's nothing to wipe with. Like, when the toilet paper's gone, it's like, what am I supposed to do?

Just fucking be like, you go to the store. What do you, Corey? And buy toilet paper. What happens if you shit in the toilet before you bought toilet paper? If you guys run out of toilet paper, do you, like, resort to napkins or paper towels. You all fucking, I keep toilet paper in my bedroom. That's how I went. You know what I've started doing? You know what I've started

doing it? What? Because I go to Dunkin' Donuts? I just grab some fucking napkins. Dunkin' Donuts napkins. I couldn't say the bad, the fucking work. You wipe your ass with those brown cardboard Dunkin' Donuts napkins? It's been to wipe your ass with nothing. Corey, how can you tell if you wiped all the way if they're fucking brown anyways?

Dude, why again, why are you looking at your shit? So I can see how much of my ass is. I just do. I just do. I'm gonna shit's leaking out of your ass. Here's the problem. I'm right here. You're sitting on the toilet. You got a big, dirty, brownie-fold ass.

Right now, you could... I can spread your ass right now and get fucking chocolate soup. Let me tell you something. You can toss my salad right now. Let me tell you something, Zad. It's perfectly fine. Shut up, Gord.

No. If you wiped your ass, you could feel the textures of your fucking anus, you could feel if you have poo follicles on the fucking tips. It's yellow. What if it's yellow mustard? Shut up! What the hell is a farticle?

Second, if you're sitting on the toilet, wiping your ass like this, you're pulling the paper up past your leg and your ass. Don't you run the risk of streaking shit on your leg every time you look at the shit. First of all, man, it wouldn't have been an issue. It doesn't happen all the time.

Guy, it's not caught up. It's not constant in the toilet paper. You really, you just keep white feet until there's no more like, and I see the shit. Like, like, Oh, it must be clean. No, it's sick.

You white, the shit. I'm going to fucking stick my ass and you know. It's not like I fucking stick my ass in some glass is fine. You got doodles you. Fuck all you are. Fuck all of y'all. Let me fucking tell you something, all right? Slappy cats is over.

Slippy cats is over. Stamper has skinnogs. Let me tell you something. Let me know. First of all, I only do it when there's no toilet paper, which is rare, okay? Maybe once in a while I wipe my ass. with some fucking... I'm right here.

Tell me how right. Yeah, you're right. Zach is 100% right. Let me ask you this. When you're in bed, Korn, Stamper, Jeff, when you're your bed. I figure myself.

Okay. I figure myself. Okay. Not that, not that, not that. What? What? Do you scratch your ass through your boxers to avoid getting your finger?

Do you think... Oh, yeah. Tomorrow, tomorrow is a bed another day. I'll change boxes tomorrow. For now, I'll lay in my shit soaked boxers with my shit with my shirt. Why are not going to sit with my hands thrown like shit? That's for sure.

Well, why do you have shit on your fucking ass? Well, sometimes I don't use my pinky because everybody used my peek. I mean, don't you wipe good? I guess it's a good point. You put your pinky in your mouth recreationally. Otherwise, you do you scratch your ass and then you smile your hand just in case. First of all, I didn't feel like the head. You wipe your ass, you're going to have a little shit stains, okay?

Am I the only person in this room that doesn't dig up his ass outside of the bathroom? You guys really dig through. That's a lie. That's a lie. You guys dig through your boxers while you're a liar. You're a liar. You do it while you work. I don't want my significant others digging through my laundry scene, shit stains, and my underwear.

Corey said, you guys were in the red room. You did this. It was a fucking, it was, you know. Actually never said that. You're a liar and a thief. Both of you, you're pieces of shit. First of all, I wipe. You said there was a big fucking nugget on his finger.

I never said that. And you said he looked around and took a bite him. it. A bite of it. I'm not sitting there afraid to scratch my ass because I'm afraid I'm just going to get shit all over my pan. I mean either. I neither. I do. I scratch my ass when I'm careful about I don't dig up there like I'm looking for a

fucking you're expecting a big When you scratch your ass, you don't scratch your asshole unless you do. I don't have that's what I'm talking about. You guys have itchy assholes. I don't have rashes in my assholes. I might have to scratch here and like here but I don't have it in my ass. Here's the real

question. I mean, yeah, I'd scratch my butt. cheeks, I don't scratch my ass hole. You've got a deep release voice. You've tried it. Don't put me in your world. I don't do that shit. You've seen it. You've seen you digging your ass. I've seen you digging your ass. I dig in the shower because the water washes all my sins away. Now it all

comes out. First of all, I do the same thing when there's no fucking toilet paper. Okay, what would you rather do? Would you rather get up like a fucking asshole and walk like you pull your pants down? I have one last thing to ask. Yeah. Or would you just jump in the fucking shower? Would you wipe your ass? Have you ever gotten a little bit

on the toilet seat and how do you feel what you have because I know you have. I don't pull my shitty toilet paper. Stand up. Oh my God, there's a little piece of dodo on the toilet seat. Your face just now looks like you're accusing somebody of murder. Like, I know you have. I don't drag my shitty toilet paper past the ball of the toilet seat.

I wipe my ass and drop it in the water. Sometimes you're reckless. Listen, I'm on Team Stamper because that's exactly what I do. I'm on Team Zach. Do you guys play with your hemorrhoids in the shower? Just like, ooh. Hamrodos? What's Team Zag? Digging up your ass? I'm clean, I'm team, I'm team clean ass.

You have, you know. Your team mystery ass. You're like, I guess it's clean. Maybe, but I'm not sure. My ass is perfect, son. First of all, okay, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not winning. You want to examine assholes right now and see what's going on? Let's do it.

Hold on. Let's do it. Let's have an asshole party. First of all. What? You know, I'm not. And stop saying first of all. It's like ninth of all now.

Okay, well. First of all. Of all, okay. Frankly, I'm not going to, I'm not winning a competition. I would spell my ass. You know, I don't have to worry about spreading my ass and being like, it looks right. It looks good, right? Okay?

I don't have to present my ass to anyone anytime soon. I have to present my ass to the next toilet seat when I shit, okay? I'm fine. Or when I fucking sit down, okay? I don't think my seat's going to talk back to me and be like, you have a shitty ass, even if I did. What the hell are you talking about? I don't know.

When you guys were kids, did you ever lay in the batheed spread your ball sack apart? pretend it was like a fly squirrel. Yes, all the time. No! I used to pretend it was a flygy squirrel. I used to laugh. I used to stick quarters in my balls and give them... You knew what a flying squirrel was before you learned not to play with the balls at?

Do you know what I used to do? I used to take coins and stick them in my balls when I was a kid, and I would wrap them inside of them and shoot them out. Cords, guys, this is like a little rubber elastic like... Yeah, I would be like a slingshot? Yeah. When you were a kid, did you ever push your penis in and then fold your balls around your knees and so it's like... Yes!

I did that too. And then I still do that. Yeah, you let it pop out. Yes, I did that all of it. I still do that. What a board. I did it yesterday, actually. I wouldn't do that to my balls.

I would try to like push my dick in and everyone. No, no, no. Pull it over. I used to do that. Take your flas and wiener and like poke it inside of itself. Yeah. It's like a dying star. See how far you get it?

But then you unravel it or like, oh, you know, you're in like the bathtub, right? And you, so you're bored. You just like, I don't take bads, you creep. But you put it, you put it, you punch it all up. Just sit in a bathtub. And then you watch it unfold like a flower. Like it's a rosebud that just like pops up. That's what I do.

Like the hollasers. I know you do. I believe you. You scrunch it into a little ball and tuck it into itself and then you just let it go. Yeah. It just unfolds into a penis and ball sack again. Well, I was a kid. You shouldn't retain that knowledge, Corey.

You shouldn't, that's not a good bar conversation. That's important. That's important. No! It's the Easily the least important thing You can ever tell anybody ever! Have you ever scratched your weater up and made it blossom?

If you ever tried to tie your wiener in a knot? No. I have to tie it. My wiener's not long enough. You'd have to be a pretty long weir to do that. You could tie in a small, you get like a half knot. I could bend it. Wait, what were we talking about? I curled it.

Shit and penises. Burps. And burps. That was a perfect type of that burp. I'm tired. Realistically, though. I're tired talking about shit. Realistically, though.

What? You started it. Did I? No, I don't think you did. I did. I didn't think it would spiral out of control like this. And I said that's disgusting. Who would get in the shower after your shit?

And Corning said, I shit everywhere over the house and don't even wipe her look. So it's your fault. It's damn. It's damn. He did say that. Yeah, I remember saying that. He admitted. He admitted to, digging him out and eating him.

I remember very clearly me saying that. You ever eat Peanut's horse? I suppose he's whole shit about it and see him holding the turd. Do you ever... Do you guys really examine your shit that much? Yeah. You look, every time you shit, you look at the bowl and stare at like everything just came out of body. I'm not going to fucking hide my face.

Like, it's the thing from Indiana Jones. I'm not saying that I look at it in disgust. I just know that my shit is in the bowl and I get rid of it. You know what I... You know what I do? You know what I do? I actually do look at it because I want to examine if there's any blood or anything. Are you guys checking for worms and blood and shit?

I'm checking for blood, and I'm checking for any sort of, like, different kinds of textures I'm not used to seeing on my turds. So you have dark brownishet. If you see it, if there was black in your shit, you probably will be able to tell. Sometimes it could be a little tear if there's a huge, if your shit's way too big. Yeah, like, you got to make sure. Like, if you see that, you're going to be on alert next time. It's important. You guys.

I have a question. Did you have shit's that big where you're like, oh, God, I might have torn my butthole there. So, do you got to? What's your question, Jeff? Do you guys just sit and work so long? You just, uh, Wait till it's like a little gopher head's popping out And you're like, oh my God

See, sometimes I go, I went the back to where you go, The gopher head? The gopher's popping out of the old I'm afraid of my underwear. Have you ever been to the toilet And then you bite the shit? And somebody goes, hey, outside the door, you suck it back up

And you can't poop anymore? What's kind of, that happened to? Hey, go back to my ass. My dad used to go crazy and scream at my door when he was doing it. Just because you knew by the gopher head. Your dad used to fuck with you

while you were shit? Ah! You know, I'd be startled. I couldn't poop anymore. For days That's why you're such an asshole now Yes my dad torrented and my poop habits And it's horrified me in my sleep

I dream about pooping and wake up And before I could poop he's screaming me And like, spit it in my face Wait as you wake up To answer Jeff's question Sometimes when I'm working I feel like I have to shit And I sit on it to pack it

You literally sit on it I sit on it Because I know the longer I sit on it The more satisfying Pack it down What do you think the poop's piling on condensing? I think it's rude and people don't get me a warning and they take a massive dump and then I'm

like heading towards that bathroom and then nobody says anything and I walk in there and it's just like can't even breathe. I don't think I've done that before to you yet. No, no, not you. No, nobody here. But somebody like you just, they're like, God, you could have said something. And I have to angrily stand in there deciding if I'm going to leave. Oh, and you're inhaling people's shit.

Yeah, if I'm just going to like wait another half hour for it to clear out or what? Yeah, I like to. I swear it does. It packs down because if the second you, feel like you have to shit and you go shit you shit like half of shit and it's like oily and weird because I'm an alcoholic. Anyways, if I sit at my

desk and I let it pack down. What are alcoholic shits like? Is oily? They're very oily and they streak the bowl. There's some theory for you. Every time I drink alcohol you fucking explodes my asshole every time. That one night

I had there was two Long Islands. My shit was like, you know when you go to a beach and there's like the dirty part of the beach with bones and cibrates and stuff and dead skeletons of... Oh, yeah, yeah. It was like black. Yeah. That was the best part of my childhood.

You mean the beaches in India that I've never been to? Yeah. With human skulls and bend to the beach. Yeah. In Indonesia, I've been to there's like a nice beach and there's like a backwoods area with, you know, horrible stuff. Where the hell does your family take you? Broken glass bottom?

And what does that have to do with your bowel movements? Screams. This is like a big analogy right now, a big metal. I know what you're talking about. It's like the family beach area. Then you go over the hill. like all these fucking twigs and shit and you walk out there. Yeah, you don't have talked about it.

Like the twigs and the broken... Well, that's because that area is classified for, like, you know, beach families. You're not supposed to go over there. That's the... How does this relate to Zach taking a shit? Because I was saying the gross, nasty black sand is what my shit was like after I had...

You're talking about families having picnics in the woods. It has... I'm talking about... A ship... Black sand. I broke the Shagast line of it. And some kid, bully walked in and kicked it down and knocked it over. I didn't know what to do.

Are any of you those guys that are... get so proud of your shit, you want to take a picture of it? I've never taken it. I have never had so much like, I don't really know. I hate when I run into people who are like, dude or Duke the biggest shit. It's like, who cares? I'm shocked. You guys are so proud of your shit so you have to look at everything you've ever done. Sometimes it goes, oh, I don't know.

Have you ever taken a shit and then it just won't go down or you're scared it won't go down? Kind of proud, like you kind of had a kid, but you can't tell anybody. You're like, yeah, good. I have it a little blanket? Have you ever, have you ever did that? Have you ever had a shit where a lot came out? You're like, wow, I was impressive and then you turn around you flush it and then you're like oh shit

it won't go down because you're afraid the water won't push it down and then the water pushes it down it seems like sometimes your body just decides I'm going to hold everything back for one special day and then you have like quadruple the amount you're supposed to have you ever eaten like insane amounts of foods over the course of like three days and you have like a feature

and you're like where did it go? Like what's happening? It's like a blockage and then it decides That's what I'm talking about you like you just go down for you know classic shit and then you Sit down on plastic shit. There's so much A little fashion

Like a Nintendo shit Then you sit down there For like 30 minutes And you get up You're like Oh my God I hope it's not touching the top It's almost like

It's almost like the way A volcano forms out of the ocean All of a sudden like this This master is coming out of the water Yeah And you're afraid it won't flush Because there's like Yeah

It's scary You're like Yeah My worst fear is like It doesn't flush And then I have to tell somebody That is my worst fear That is my worst fear

It's going to toilet And then like Flushing it And the water doesn't go down You're just like The pressure is not even strong enough. Get somebody else to look at it. You're like, I don't know what to do.

The real question is... That's why you got to drink more because your poop just turns into liquid and it all goes down and you're good to go. I guess it's going to continue. What is the weight period before you can sit down and sit down and sit down and sit down and sat down at your chair or somewhere else and you just feel... You know what I mean?

Is there a weight period for you? The worst part is sitting on the toilet my legs fall asleep and then I almost fall down when I stand up again. That's because you're playing Tetris and shit in there. I'm not. All right, maybe I am a little bit, but so what? Do you ever like when you take it a shit? Like you take your, like since your pants are around your ankles,

you pull one leg out of your pants so you can get a better stance on the toilet like this and you have to like leave like that? Oh yeah. Have you ever spread your ass when you couldn't shit? Like you really couldn't push the shit out so you thought you had to spread your ass to expand? I was like in a car chel. No, like you stupid ones. I don't think that helps.

Have you ever like... It doesn't help your asshole muscle. Your brain is like thinking like maybe if I spread my eyes. ass, it would come out fast, but nothing changes, so you just kind of do it yours, that's not helping, so you just kind of like you, you push a little bit, and then eventually it comes out, and it's just like this tiny clot that had like this thing

mind. I do that placebo effect thing where I just like a squat forward and I push on my stomach thinking that's, you know, that's, you push your stomach, that's disgusting, stampers. Ew. Well, that's my... You're trying to like fucking make, like a machine, try to like a baby bird eating its food. Let me ask you something, Zach. When you wake up

in the morning and you brush your teeth, what do you, well, how do you get the toothpaste? Out of the tube, dumbass! I'll put my fucking stomach, and the poop comes out. You squeeze the toothpaste tube and it comes out. You can brush your teeth and you talk to cute ladies. Have you guys ever had one of those toilets where the rim is loose and you try to adjust your ass and your whole fucking body goes to the spew?

Do you know when you go to those fucking toilets and then like some toilets are really fucking wide? It does. It's my question. Okay, well... When you go to a public restaurant, a... When you go to a public restroom and he sit down in the toilet seats, Let's see it's too fucking big and you just feel really awkward. You guys don't even have the fucking worst of it. I went over to South Korea to visit my brother.

And he's, uh, they have these toilets that are a hole in the floor. Yeah, the ones where you have to squat. I actually feel like this one is the best waste of shit, though. It scares me even look at them because the A, they don't even have toilet paper. You have to get them off dudes off the street. Yeah. You have to, like, bring your own or not have any. And it's like, B, I don't know if it's just their dyed over there,

but they assume you're just going to have a perfectly formed, like five inch long, turd that's going to gently gently drop into this little canal and then beautifully slide away and you can get up and like that's it but not you know one of these terrible American shit where it's just like like all over it is

it's like a fucking disaster it's like a terrible disaster that's what you get from that's what you get from out of the T-XO cheese in your stomach I don't even understand and then you know the hotel I was in they actually had American toilet but it was covered in electronic buttons and I was just like

well of course for some reason I don't know. It wasn't surprised. I'll be the first person to say it. Have you ever been so sick that you had the shit in the bathtub? No? Were you sitting in, you're squatting on your hands and knees like a fucking... Like a wild animal? What is it filled with water?

Are you just... You're saying you're in the bathtub laying and shitty in the water polluting your water. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. I'm shitting in the bathtub water. Just because it's a bathtub doesn't mean there's not a shower running. You're laying in the bathtub of all shitty and polluting your own water. dumb ass.

What are... The drain is open and the shower's coming down and you shit in the bathtub because you can't fucking move because of food poisoning or because you're... I'm sitting on a toilet. You're risking the shit. You're gonna push the shit down the drain like it's Play-Doh. Yeah, with my foot. Thank you.

But it... I'm done talking to you forever. But no, there's not the point. I'm horrified. I'm horrified. The holes in the Korean... The Asian toilets are the... most optimum way of shitting because the way you squat, then you don't get like shit.

That's assuming you don't have like a watery shit or like rabbit pellet shit or anything. Yeah, but the way your legs bend, your butt cheeks spread and shit comes straight out of your butt hole. If you're a cute little Asian guy who has like a perfect diet and you shit regularly every day and your shit comes out like 5.5.2 inches and you walk away. What's like this? I don't know. I'm just saying. You're a holy 5x2.

Did you bring a tape measure to South Korea? There's really these terms. You look at one of those things. You tell me there isn't a real fear in your eyes. That thing can overflow. It's a real fear. And then there's no toilet paper and you have to just pull your pants up. The white whale turns.

Every time I go to South Korea, I make it my duty to shit in every fucking urinal. Or whatever they are. You only want to eat in it over there. It's so scary. People just shitting. The way I see it is like even if you're an obese guy versus, you know, an obese guy, using the hole in the... You're still getting a cleaner result

because you're squatting and shitting. That's possible. And it's not like getting all over your butt cheeks because you're just sitting down. That might be true. What about like... Is this like the ones in Japan where you fucking like squat like this?

Exactly. I'm more scared because it's like splattering all over the ground and just like... That's what I'm afraid of. Like what happens if you have a really splashy shit and it fucking hits up. It feels to be like a porta potty or a lot. It doesn't you control how hard you're put

you go to the bathroom and go... And just shoot out. You can't control, like, the density and the fucking speed at which shit hits the ground. Yes, you can. It's called your anus. No, it's called inertia and gravity when it hits the ground. An object motion station motion. All right, Bill Nye, the shit guy, fucking giving me fucking shit tips on inertia and gravity with shit coming out.

This is the first time I've ever heard Corey talk about gravity and science. You're talking about the gravity and inertia of shit coming out of your head. Say shit into a hole. Listen, it's important to know these things. Corey, have you ever tried shitting like you're shitting on an ice cream kind? Like, you try moving in a slow circle? I have never even attempted that.

It seems hard. Oh, you never have to... Oh, like, soft serve. Yeah. You just shit like, oh, God, you end up fucking it up. I think my friend... Maybe I think my friend's better at that. You never have to shake one off?

You ever go to a hanger? We just won't quit. Gonna shake your ass around? No. Never? No. Jeff? No, but I'm...

You've never had a... You know, kind of... Nothing makes me matter that when I think I'm done and then you start wiping and then you realize the wiping like never ends and you're like...

So you're like... You're cutting into a turd right? Yeah. This is what I was saying. You're cutting into a... It's like you're kind of cutting into a birthday cake. Yeah, you're grinding it down but it's still not going anywhere.

Why don't you scoop it? Like instead of just rubbing the top You have to just... You have to give up the battle and sit back down is what you have to do. Two sheets... Two sheets, scream. rip up the turn off your ass and toss it in you're good.

I just push the rim of my anus to squeeze the last of it out. That's what I do. If we're gonna start talking about, the remainder of the shit that's in your body that you can't seem to push out. Have you ever liked the stuff you're getting away? You never know when your ass is fully emptied of shit. Once you're done shitting, you're just like, I feel comfortable now. You get up.

You could still like shit in your ass. You could still like... These beer cancer shits that just... Beer cancer sheds. They're like... They come out. And I'm just... Yeah, yeah, that's true. You probably have, like, very loose stool.

Yeah. I bet. I feel like I've learned a lot about you guys. I have one last question. What? We share similar shit issues. No, we don't. If you could suck your dirty. You're all broken.

Do you feel close to each other? No, you know what? When this gets released to the public, everyone's going to be on my side. You watch everybody will be on the side and call you. I was agreeing with you. Everybody's going to be on my side. You too are little shit before. I was agreeing with you.

Everyone's going to be on your side. where you guys spend the grand majority of your day studying your shits and staring. Well, that's stupid, stiffy, stiff. I don't want to walk out, not knowing. I was agreeing with you the whole time. You guys are dangerous. You poop, you don't shit in your hand. You're like Ice Man and Top Gun.

No, no, you're Maverick and Top Gun. We're Ice Man. We fly straight and we get the job done. You guys. I would be surprised if there's a secret to her. You were who Maverick is? Didn't you, didn't you die? Didn't you die? Didn't you die? Both of you died.

Top Gun. No, we go lived. What? Oh, Iceman. Goose died. Goose died. Yeah. Spoilers.

How is that a spoiler to say the goose died? My whole dream in life was to actually buy like a dozen dogs and just name them after all the pilots in Top Gun. But I'm allergic. What kind of dogs? Doesn't matter. They have hypo-algae dogs. Hey, hey Maverick. Hey, Iceman.

Hey, Sun down. Hey, Hollywood. Hey, uh, Wolfman. Hey, uh, the wizard. You know Tim Robbins was in Top Gun? Yeah. His name was... Oh, Merlin.

Merlin. Yeah. Yeah, Merlin. Hey, uh... Corey's walking to heaven. All right, had enough of this. I don't know. Let's do a closer.

Come back, sit down. Let's do a closer. Okay, how do you do closers? Time to. Turn to close the store. Energy. Wrap it up. Come on.

Okay. Final words, Corey. Go. That's a wrap. All right, so you've heard enough about bullshit. We're going to leave now. Bye. Bye.

Bye. See you guys. See you next week. See you next week. Bye. We're going to waste more of your fucking time with... Guys, what's doing this? Everybody into their F-14s.

Guys, okay. Three... Wait, wait, stop. Like, far noises on three? Yeah. So three... On three or one, two, three. Three, two, one.

So, three, two, one. There was only me who did it. You guys bailed. I did it. Whatever, dude. I totally did it! I quit! I quit!

How long was that? It's like fucking two hours? That's what she said. Oh wait before you said that second part.