SleepyCabin - SleepyCast 12 - [A Very Sleepy Christmas Special]

Episode Date: December 25, 2014

Merry Christmas! Our gift to you? An extra long SLEEPYCAST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (you know, to take the edge off any shitty gifts you got). Peace n' love to all, see you next year...let's make 2015 a good one! http://sleepycabin.com/audio/sleepycast-12/ This episode starring: Stamper (www.youtube.com/StamperTV) Psychicpebbles (www.youtube.com/Psychicpebbles) Niall (www.youtube.com/Cryburgers) JohnnyUtah (http://johnnyutah.newgrounds.com) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Yo, we're on Patreon if you wanna throw us a buck! http://www.patreon.com/SleepyCabin +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ SleepyCabin Official Site! http://www.sleepycabin.com SleepyCabin on YouTube! http://www.youtube.com/SleepyCabin Stay tuned on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/SleepyCabin ...or Twitter! https://twitter.com/sleepycabin +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ We're on iTunes, too! Search for SleepyCabin!

How do that? Ha, boy, it's cold. Shut up. Guys, I went to get food, but it's so cold. Your little nose is red. Your little nose is red like Rudolph. Wait, so you didn't get any food? No, I couldn't.

Guys, we're snowed in. It looks like we'll have to do a podcast while we're snowed in. Oh, no! How are we supposed to do a podcast? We have no food. And to think we were going to go out to get some food, and now we're snowed in. We're just going to jerk each other off,

but I guess that's okay. We can't jerk each other off. We were going to drink each other off and record it, but we might as well do a podcast now. Oh, rats. That was the worst. Well, ever. There is a world as tangible as our own,

impossible to see yet unavoidable to sense. A world enveloped by a seemingly unending ocean of forests. Buried deep in that forest, tucked away neatly within a blanket of twilight, lies a quaint little cabin. And in that cabin... It's a bunch of guys. He's a bunch bullshitter.

Hey, welcome to Sleepycast. Uh, special Christmas special. We are the Christmeteers. It's kind of like the planeteers. And I'm Stamper TV, and my ring has the power of Christmas lights. Of Zach. And your ring has the power of candy canes. Candy canes.

And I'm Nile. And my ring has the power of heart. Fagg. I'm cold in your stocking. I have the power. The power of the Northern Star, the best one of all. Thank you. No, you don't.

It's a lie. It's a bold-faced lie. You could have done, like, stalkings or Santa or Jesus. The power of angry parents who have found out their kids, found their Christmas presents before Christmas. You have the power of the dad wearing a Santa outfit and the mom going. Hmm, keep that on. You have the power of statistical Christmas suicide. Is it?

Do you see that? What? The suicide spike on Christmas time is. Oh, really? get really sad. Yeah, well, I'm... It's a pretty depressed. My mom is, like, terrified that I'm going to kill myself on Christmas

because I'm not coming home for Christmas. She keeps going to like, you'll be okay, you'll be okay. We're considering going to kill yourself. I don't care about Christmas that much. We're going to watch movies and have a big-ass Christmas dinner. Me and Zach and Nile are going home for Christmas. Yeah. We're going to have some fun.

I'll be away a little bit, but make a day and come back. You can come back. You can come back. I do whatever time you want. Don't celebrate too much, fellas. We're going to get crazy rid of candy corn, big old Santa Hat. That's Halloween. Have little peeps.

Have Easter peeps. What's your favorite holiday meal, Zach? I got this one. Zach likes turkey, a little side of green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, gravy, you know, the classic stuff. My family has ham. That's right. I love ham, and I hate ham.

I like ham, but not... Ham is good on a sandwich. Oh, you know what we finish? It's thick slices of ham. Our powers combined, we summon Captain Christmas. Captain, Captain Christmas. Welcome to the Christmas special. I am Captain Christmas.

What? Anyways, talk about ham. Ham is a meal stinks. It looks like pussy. Oh, you mean like when they get like a big ass ham? Yeah. It's weird. I hate the dinners where they have like the big ham.

They cut you off like a big what ham steak or whatever. But you don't want to glaze it with some delicious stuff. But it's weird because I want to... Glazed hand is tasty. I went over to Swain's house for Thanksgiving, and he had like nine turkeys, and I actually brought a ham, because I thought other people would eat it. Oh, thinking outside the box. I like your ham, Stamper. People liked it, though.

I had a little blackberry glaze on it. You did? I went to know I had a bite it at night. I liked it. It always feels like it's never really, I like, either thinly sliced or, like, sort of cooked a little bit. It always seems like it's kind of these big, wet slices. Yeah, the big, like, see a sloppy. It's like turkey.

It's like, you can make turkey really badly. You could make, like, dry and something, or you can make turkey that's really dry. that's really juicy and tasty. Rubbery fucking. Yeah, there's a good way to make turkey. There's a good way to make ham. People love their ham, though. Have you ever seen a honey-baked ham?

There's a franchise called Honey-Baked Ham? Around the holiday seasons, it got to line out the door. I went there to buy a ham with my dad once, and I was waiting in line for like three fucking hours. Just to get a fucking ham. I was like, Dad, this better be the best fucking ham in the world sitting here like a fucking Aerosmith concert for fucking ham. And then they don't do any business for the rest of the years,

just around the holidays. That's all they do is, is it like a fireworks stand for ham? They probably get one dude in there to buy a ham. like a week and then come Christmas time. It's just ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham. In Ireland, our Christmas dinners are you guys'

Thanksgiving dinners. Well, our Thanksgiving dinners usually spill over a little bit, like it's pretty much the same shit. We do Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner. Yeah, we have a crock of shit. I've never had it. It's Christmas dinner. What do you do it on Christmas Eve? Yeah, Christmas Eve and you wake up and worship Jesus and look at his bloody hands

in face and screams. I don't care what people say. Christmas is not about Jesus. No one cares about Jesus on Christmas. That's because he doesn't give you presents like Santa. Exactly. You're wrong. I care. No, you don't.

What do you care about? What did Jesus do on Christmas? I don't know. He died, I guess. He put that... No, he woke up. He woke up. He slid out of her big sleavy pussy.

He looked at this guy. He slid off his coffin lid and crawled out. How could Jesus be born to a virgin? If her hymen was still there. Wouldn't that get in the way? It's magic, man. It's like it. It's like it.

Jeff used his power ring to shoot the North Star up in the sky. Then then the three, wise, men came by with gold, Frankensteins and immersed. The beautiful dead white man crawled out of his cave happily ever after. Baby's cool out of assholes, you idiot. Why would the pussy matter? You fucking dumbass? What happened after Jesus got resurrected?

He just, he moved a rock and then he just walked away. He flew into heaven. Oh, like an angel. He flapped his arms, like wings. So he could go through the wall, like Patrick Swayzee and ghost, he had to move a rock first and then he flew up. Oh, dude, he was like the mummy returns. Oh, his whole body got up and left, right? That's where that

the magic cloak comes from. Well, really happened is people go, dude, that's fucking Jesus in there, let's like steal his body. All you have to do is move this rock. And then people go like, he's gone. They found Jesus' bones, and there was come all over them. So we have a good idea of what happened. Guys took him and

fought all over him. They tried to They tried to clone Jesus from his bones, but they just got some like black dude. Yeah. It's offensive. It's not offensive. Jesus was a little eastern dude.

You're offending everybody right now. No, he wasn't. Have you ever seen that picture? He grew He was a fucking Iraq, dude. He was a beautiful white man. He had curly golden locks, Zach. Beautiful eyelashes. Haven't you ever seen a painting?

Yeah. And he's a big love heart right in the center of his chest. Have you seen the actual, like, rendition of what he's just blue-wise? They did like an average compilation of what everyone looked like from that era. Don't you think? Can he look like a borderline caveman? Yeah, he had like a unibrow and he was like, you know. Dude, he would be fucking stopped and checked on an airplane today.

Do you think the portrayal of Jesus though? Don't you think this is kind of dark? of course, but do you think like every other guy in that time period to be able to sort of like just want to rape him? They would be like hey pretty boy, hey white boy he's like too pretty. He's like beautiful brown chestnut locks of long flowing hair. He had like curly

little like ends of them. Well God forbid you paint an ugly Jesus of course he's got to be beautiful. What did Jesus was ugly? Anybody worship him? If he was like hey you're like ah fuck dude go worship somewhere else go over there. Go walk in that water. Don't fucking get away from us. Everyone would think he was kind of cool but you know you wouldn't hang out

Yeah. Yeah. What do you think of Jesus? He has a really good personality. You know what? Yeah. I think it was funny as a lot of these like white southern Christians today, like, you know, these Republican kind of really deep southern guys.

If they went to heaven and saw the Middle East of Jesus, they'd be like, get the fuck out of the way. Where's Jesus? Is he behind you? Me and you met one of Wawa last night, remember that? A Jesus? Yeah, we stopped by at the, you were in the back of the U-Haul truck, so you didn't go in with me and Zach,

but me and Zach went in there to get the black and lights and shit. Yeah. And we're by the thing. I don't know why I said it, but I was. was like, uh, like Zach, I think found, uh, or he found like a little can of soda that he wanted. It's like, I'm going to get this little can of soda. And I was like, Merry Christmas, Zach. And this Southern, old Southern guy, in like a, big trucker guy. Trucker guy and like this, uh, Camel Gear walked by. And he was like, that's right, brother, leave Christ in Christmas. Fuck all this

happy holiday shit. Just say, Merry Christmas. And I was like, hi, yeah, right. Happy holidays. Happy it. He was like, no. Yeah, he got married. And I was like, okay. But I don't get that, dude. Christmas is one day out of the whole month. Yeah, those other holidays going. You should say, Merry Christmas, like, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Not even on Christmas Eve. You sound like a fucking idiot when you say Merry Christmas, and it's the 17th. There's not Christmas yet. Yeah.

Why can't you say happy holidays? There's tons of holidays back to back. I think the Christmas season has everything up leading up to Christmas, even into New Year. Yeah. That's like happy holidays. Chanuka, New Year. Chah, Chanuka. Quanta.

What is Christmas? What is Christmas? What is you call it Christmas? If you're so into Jesus, well, that would go back to Wawa and tell the, hey, Trumpa guy, I want you go blow your precious fucking Jesus. You ever talk to me like that again? I'll bust this soda across your old ass head. Yeah, you're saying that in retrospect.

You didn't say that at the time. Stapry did reach in the guy's chest and pull his heart out, hold the show it to him. Like Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom, he was screaming. Did you want to keep the Christ in Christmas? I don't really give a shit. I don't really like Christmas. And then we probably had this.

Thank you. Podcast over. No, it's not over because we didn't get to that. You can't just say it's over. Yes, I can. Watch. Christmas is a burden I agree

You're the grid you fuck Christmas We're having Christmas with the cranks, aren't we, Zach? What's the thing you dislike most about Christmas? Go The fucking music, man I'm so sick and tired of the same fucking songs I would buy if they won't usually the same songs recorded Like 15th movies

Yeah, people say that But then when they, when someone like Famous Popstar tries to release a new Christmas song You're like, fuck you, that's never going to catch on Dude, I hate that even more When somebody takes a shitty old Christmas song And they try to put a modern spin on it Rockin' Around the Christmas tree

Yeah, you just like shot at the fuck up He took a song I hated already And then made it worse Fucking Beyonce I get stand it man I like Wint to Wonderland There's a couple of Christmas songs I like There's a few I like because they're not overplayed

Did you buy the Seth MacFarlane Christmas album? I was tempted I was very tempted I saw that big smile and I was that ooh Come home you play one track and be like Where the fuck did I buy this? Yeah, that's a good joke if that's way too expensive and like you're just gonna gather It's somewhere until you throw it away That give it to my parents

He probably looks he's not a bad singer I'll be laughing in the other He has a really good voice Yeah but I don't want to listen to He loves the sound of it though you know he loves his own voice No there are definitely people out there that love the sound of their own voice Oh yeah he's sitting at home jerking off and he's like I'm coming and that just makes him hornier Yeah

You made family guy He had the Cleveland show BAM Ooh did you hear that guys? That was my stomach rumbling I'm hungry I I I really wish you could go out there and get us food. I'm not gonna work like these circumstances. I refuse to work like this. I really wish you'd go back to acting school. Bitch! Bitch! Ah! Ha! Ha! Oh, you piece of shit! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, bitch!

Merry Christmas to me, I guess. You know what's the most Christmas you think? He does look hungry, though, and that really was his stomach. Speaking of being hungry, uh, you ever see your dad's dick? Yep. Um, I was peeing in a urinal next to my dad when I was a little guy, a little tiny guy. I still believed in Santa at the time And I leaned over Because I was curious about my dad's weiner And I said, Dad, you have a really big Pee-P! And the bathroom was full of guys

It was like at a train station And they all kind of stopped and wondered what my dad was doing to me And then he grabbed my hand before we were done peeing And he dragged me out of the bathroom He would grab out of you, like, lower leg And he walks with you? Uh-huh My dad got a bone over the time

I did that guy and he walked out of me too It was great man Of course he did And there was like swing to left Yeah He was like come on a little bow You let go on the branch little monkey boy And I was like, no

I'm not to let go And the guy to do his balls And I hung Was horrifying Is that true stories? That lies No, it's true You know,

Nottie-law In their stuff Have I ever lied On this podcast? At least like 67 times At least We're gonna do an episode

Where we put you Under Hypnosis For the hour And we're gonna see Yeah And it's all gonna come out It's all real You guys look stupid

Then All my dad stories were real It's gonna be A mix of Yeah Oh you're just gonna repeat Everything

You're just gonna talk Yeah That would That really happen I really hung on on my dad's balls like a little monkey. To one hair. Hey, Zach, what was your favorite

Christmas present as a child? My dad's dick? No, for real, though. Yeah. I remember one time I got Nintendo DS, and I was very happy with that. My favorite gift was actually the original Nintendo entertainment system with Robbie the Robot.

Wow. Oh, you got the Robbie Pack. I did. I was surprised. I was like, wow, this is the extra special Nintendo. I got a copy. I played Jarramite all night long. And then you play fucking, what's the one other compatible game? Duck, I was gonna say, Dukkuh.

I don't know, there was another, there was another Robbie Robot game, but I can never remember the name of it. It was used, it's like two games. He was really cool, though. He was pretty cool. That was a lot of work for one shitty, one or two shitty games. I remember when I was a kid, I was very scared of, like, because I was a kid, like, I thought my parents

wouldn't get what I want. Like, if you ask for, like, a gay boy, they'll get you, like, some weird off brand things, they don't know. Oh, that happened to me. That was horrible. I asked Tiger handheld or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I asked for an iPod when I was like 15 or 16 and I was oh man I really wanted one because all my friends had one and I just I man I was dying for that iPod and then my mom started kind of being like throughout the week before Christmas she was like I've heard about these new things called creative zens they're better than I got a Zed too and then I was like no I want an iPod and she was like but these creative zens are supposed to be great yeah no and she's like creative zen and I was like no and then uh so Christmas came around and I was like opening my presents and in my stocking I got like an iPod like cover and I was like oh god yes

yes and then I went downstairs and I opened my present and it was a creative zen it didn't even fit and then I tried my best not to look disappointed and sad but it's the big thing it's like if you actually get a bad a bad gift you're like you can't I but dude it turned out the creative zans were much fucking better than iPods you can put any video you want on them you could like

they had way bigger storage yeah iPods iPods are crockish they were sweet yeah fuck Apple fuck it oh oh no I use iTunes are like, I don't care for iPods though. Yeah. If you're just playing MP3s, there's ways to go about it. Like, syncing an iPod? You don't have to sync it and delete all your

files when you plug it into another... It's just so clunky and weird, yeah. My favorite gift, along the same lines as Jeff, was, I got the Nintendo as well, but I got the Super Mario Duck Hunt... Yeah, Super Mario Duck Hunt Combation thing. And I got Ninja Turtles. Ninja Turtles was a crock of shit. I used to...

I loved turtles, and they gave me that. And I didn't know at the time how much of a broken, shitty game it was. And then I remember a similar story much later, I got a Super Nintendo for Christmas. And I remember I was sitting in class and this is already when the PlayStation 1

was out. And I was so psyched to get a Super Nintendo because I really wanted one. My family was poor, so they probably saved up for like two, three years just to get me one. And then the teacher was like, so what did everyone get for Christmas? And then when it came around to me I was like, I got a Super Nintendo and everybody in the class laughed at me. Because I got

a present, like, they were like, yeah, welcome to fucking three years ago. FAA! Come on, man. No. This is like the best gift ever. Everyone else was playing with their... I eventually got a PlayStation. Not long after it came out, but...

It's like, well, kind of a shitty-ass teacher asked a dumb-ass question like that when they know that... Just single out the poor kids. Yeah, I mean, you got your rich snobs in class, and you got your poor kids in class. Like, half the poor kids are probably just going to sit there lying. Be like, I got... I got a new car.

Yeah. And they have, like, holes in their shoes. Like, they probably just got, like, socks and they're super psych. Yeah. The older I get the more, I actually do appreciate clothes. Like, my dad got me a coat last Christmas, and it was like one of the best kids I ever got. We were talking about that last night. If I got a jacket or a nice coat that fit well, that'd be like the best gift ever.

Yeah, exactly. If I need video games, I could fucking buy them. Yeah. Or whatever. No, do you have a best, or is it just disappointing? I don't know if I had a best gift, but that doesn't mean I didn't get good gifts because I appreciate it all my gifts. But, like, don't throw us all over the bus. though, you'll ever get this special.

Yeah, like, because, you know, my parents, you know, they didn't have much so anything was a bonus, you know? All right, Charlie Brown. All right, Linus, give you big speech on the fucking stage. You're talking about Jesus, you little bad. He was a little spotlight, big. But as I got older, like, as I got older, I started asking for, like, I was like, no,

like, surprise me. Because I was, like, trying to be nice. I was like, you don't have to spend a lot of money on me. And then Christmas came around. All my sisters were getting new phones and stuff, and I was getting, like, underwear and, like, surprise. God fucking damn it.

You remember any horrible, horrible, GIFs? Like the ones that you were like, man, I can't even appreciate this because this is so... Yeah, I got Simpsons Road Rage on the PS2. It's a great game, dude. Like, two years ago. There's not a horrible gift. That's not like two years ago. I don't have a PS2. Should we bring up our worst gifts?

Or ones that are really bad, just like... I'll tell you what. I had a die-cast Voltron figurine when I was a child. If you left that shit in the box... I have no idea what the fuck that is. You don't know what Voltron is? You know what Megasort is? No.

He kind of looks like that assholes above the TV. there. No, Megazort from Power Rangers, man. Robotic lions that fought for justice in the galaxy.

You didn't watch Power Rangers? I did. I used to love Power Rangers, but I haven't seen it since I was four years old. But it was my favorite show.

You used to watch Power Rangers. You don't know what Megasort is. I do know what Megasoran is. I do know what Voltron. I didn't know what Voltron was. I think Voltron, yeah, Voltron came first. I'm pretty sure.

I think Voltron is 70s. Once they started doing Power Rangers in space, I stopped giving the shit. It did Power Rangers in Space, power Rangers on Mars, Power Rangers. Yeah.

Why? Like, Jeff. You know the old Red Ranger is a gay porn star now? No, he's not. This is a fucking hoax. Anyways, Jeff. So I lost him. I'm still convinced my parents threw him away.

And I lost them. And I said, Mom, Dad, I want a new Voltron. Because this is bullshit. It was my favorite toy. I want a new one. Did all the pieces come apart into, like, the individual little lions? Yeah. Oh, damn, dude.

Because I never had one of those. I just saw them. No, it was cool. No, I saw one recently. There was a Comic Con. They were selling them. made versions of this is the exact one I had for $150. It's not too bad. Not too, no, no. I was really tempted to pick

it up. But yeah, so it was really nice. It was like back when toys were made a metal and stuff and toys were cool, but uh... Cool, so you could actually interlock all the little lines together and make the real... It wasn't like a pre-factor. No, no, no. They could uh... But basically, Christmas came around and I was expecting a new Voltron, and I got like

this plastic shit Voltron that was like a baby's toy and I had these little shitty. I mean, it was weird. It had these little extra action figures that could go in the lions. The lions were much bigger, much bulkier. They were, I don't know, it almost just, it was

just so much lame or Voltron in it. It ruined my Christmas, the end. How old were you? I was the most How over you? I wasn't, you know, I wasn't even that young, I don't think. I was, I think I wasn't, I wasn't even 10 yet, but I was like, I was so bummed out. I was so, my parents, like, tried.

Maybe the other one wasn't even available anymore. I was so unappreciative. Whole gift. Yeah, that's, I'd be afraid to have kids because I imagine you gave a really sweet gift and they're like, oh, this is what I want. It's like, God damn it, you little fucker.

You're gonna regret this for the rest of your life. Once when I was like, kind of skeptical about Santa, I was like, to my mom, I go, hmm, I'm going to write a Christmas list, but I'm not going to show you, and I'm going to see if I get the right gifts, just to see if Santa's real. And she goes, yeah, go ahead. And then I got too scared that I wouldn't get the gifts I want,

so I just showed her anyway. But, uh... She called your bullshit. She called your bluff. God damn it. When I was like eight, the line, I wrote a list but it was like, I was like, if Santa

could do anything for free, I'm going to ask for a bunch of gifts for my entire class and give all the gifts to my class. And I asked for like 40 things, but I got like two things. And I was like, fuck Santa. And it makes total sense because my parents saw Christmas, it was like the two pages and they're like, I'm not getting you any of this. Did you give those two things to the people?

No, I was like, it's my shit, dude. I'm not giving anything anybody else. So much for your charity. Did you know the original Yellow Ranger's dead now? Really? I knew that. Yeah. She is, is it a porn star? Trini. No, she's not porn star.

That was the Asian one, right? They put the Asian one as young. They didn't all turn it to porn stars. The black power injury looks exactly the same. He looks like he hasn't aged a year even. You know he's missing his ring finger on his left hand? Oh, really? Yeah.

Isn't it his president? I think he's his left hand and his ring finger. He's missing a finger on one of his hands. The black, the black ranger? The black ranger? Yeah. No, that's Obama. Yeah.

He was never a power ranger. Oh, let's see about that. No, do it. People in the comments section tell us if Obama was a power injury. Original Power Rangers are Power Rangers in the States. You're going to fucking lose this one. And you know it. And Joe Biden was Megasorn.

Yeah, fat-ass motherfucker. Joe Biden was the Green Ranger. With that dickhead, you know. He just comes in every now and then. Kudleezer Ice was the yellow one. Yeah, Green Ranger was the coolest, man. And then he was Tommy. And then he's a really good shape now.

He's got sick-ass tattoos. I don't know why I know this much. Dude, it's funny. He's like, he's like 50 and he's still dressing up in that shitty... He's got his little pony-toe? Spandex uniform. He's got, um, he's, he's, I think he did really well in the martial arts world. You know, I just watched, I watched this video series, uh, explaining the original,

the original Power Rangers that aired in Japan and it's, it's amazing how different it was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they just spliced footage from the Japanese and then added American actors, like, saved by the bell, right? Yeah, no, no. Wait, what do they do with Save by the Bell? No, like, saved by the bell. Like, they just took a lot of shots from high school, talking to Megasort and shit like that,

and then all the fighting was, like, from the Japanese show. Yeah, they re-edited the whole thing. I think Rita sounds like this all the time. It's all like clearly like, well, whatever. It doesn't matter. We're talking about Christmas. Anyway. Do you remember the movie with Ivan Huse?

Yeah. I had a good soundtrack. It was a fairly good movie. They had cool costumes that movie, too. Their suits were sweet. Oh, what were we talking about? Oh, Santa. Hey, when was, when did you, I guess, discover that Santa didn't exist?

Well, you just knew it. I think I was late to the game because I was an over-imagined. I was late to the game. I was like 11. I was way too old. I was 12. All my friends were like nine. And I'll tell you what it did it for me. You know, I was still doing the whole leave cookies out and all that kind of thing.

And my parents were pretty good at it to give them credit. They would do that. They would shake the jingle bells in the other room and be like, oh, fuck, it's Santa Claus. But one night, you know, the cookies, like, the next morning I woke up on Christmas Day. And there was fucking meatloaf and beer stained in the rug. And I was like, what the fuck happened? My dad was like, yeah, Santa Claus. He came here and helped themselves in the meatloaf in the fridge, leftovers.

And I was like, what? And then I put it together. My dad got really wasted and fucking ate me loaf and gadget if you just spilled out of the floor with the bed And I was like, you're Santa Claus You fucking liar Yeah but my parents like

Never tried to hide the fact that they're putting presents Like every night of Christmas That's the night that kids can't sleep And they just They were so fucking loud with the presents and shit But for some reason I still believed it Until I was 12 My parents did that thing

When they'd pack the presents beforehand And sneak them downstairs So they'd be like, don't come in here I'll get you Christmas gifts Or not say anything Or just kind of do it in like a back room My parents always put their names on the presents that were good, and the Santa's name on the presents that were shitty.

It's fucking smart, too. So maybe that kind of contributed to me never giving a shit about Santa. Because as far as I remember, I don't think I ever believed in Santa. I knew that who Santa was, but, like, I never had this belief that there was a dude that came into your house. That's a good point to actually... Presence under the tree. I think my dad would say me, like, a huge, like, an RC car, but Sam would give me like a fucking pez dispensensers.

I was like, fuck, Santa, man. I don't care. Let's talk about how awkward it is now as an adult where your parents are basically like, they're very guilt-win about Christmas. They're like, well, we have to buy you something. We have to get you something for Christmas. But as an adult, you sort of have the money to buy you. Yeah.

What you want. When you want. Like, oh, I don't really feel like waiting. Like, I don't feel like saying, well, I want this and I have to artificially wait three months for them to give it to me. Yeah. And I'm just going to buy it tomorrow. Yeah. Just give me cash.

Give people cash is the best thing. Or like a movie theater gift card or like a gift card to like Red Lobster or Outback Steakhouse or something. I'll tell you what. I fucking hate gift cards. Give cards are good to restaurants. It depends. No, like if you get a, we're talking about gift cards. They're all terrible.

If you get a gift card. If you don't know what to get somebody. Except Wawa gift cards. I would say like Wawa gift cards or like in Corey's case, like he really likes Outbacks. You can get him a $50 outback, problem solved. But I was thinking like a good gift card is like $100, $200. for Home Depot or something like that. Home Depot were like Targeting.

So you guys are saying you hate gift cards, but you like all these, like, as long as it's these. I don't say that. It's forced, it's just a weird thing where it's like, oh, it means more if you're forcing them to spend it in a particular place. Oh, you mean just versus giving them money? Yeah, I would rather get money, but if I do get gift cards, like there are certain places where it totally,

it's like, you could give somebody bad gift card to me. You can give me a $50 gift card at Barnes & Noble. Now you're like, oh, now I have to spend $50 at Barnes & Noble. Don't give me a $25 Starbucks gift card What I don't like is that the gift card is never even You can ever buy $50 with the stuff It's like oh you have $3 worth all the gift cards It's like by the end of the year

You have like $100 of leftover money On the fucking gift cards all accumulated You know what all you naysayers of gift cards The janitor sent us gift cards You just got it I was just about saying I was like To that fantasy There's a fellow called the janitor

Who gave us a bunch of stuff In the PO box Yeah he gave us a shit ton of stuff in the PO box He like stocked We're stuck still like getting through the food he gave us and there's like five or six of us. We went there. I had a, I had a baconator. I had a baconator. I had, yes what? Didn't have paid for it. Yeah. Give us a Wendy's gift card. It's like, oh, it's good

these. Oh, he gave us two money's gift cards. And they're $15 each. Thanks for sharing faggots. It was all stamper. You're welcome. Well, he said, you're not, let Jeff use. He was a monster. He was going to be true. He did say that in the note. He said, fuck Jeff. Yeah. And all caps of red blood, I think it was. But yeah, the thing I don't like about the gift thing is, is like. Hey, you just said fuck gift cards. Go to Wendy's and buy your own fucking food. You guys are hoarding all these gifts.

The thing I like about the gifts is like I say don't give me anything If you do give me something Cash and they say Oh what do you really want though It's like I don't want anything Because if you give me something I have to get you something

And I don't want to give you anything Give you anything Give me cash if you don't give me anything And they say oh yeah you don't have to give me anything Like my parents Every parent to the fuck I think this is like a memo When you become a parent

You have to say All I want for Christmas is you If you're like gift It's like don't do that Yeah, or that fucking joke that everyone uses, for Christmas you're getting a hug. Everyone uses that? Everyone uses that. I never heard that one.

Bullshit. I honestly never read that one. Never is. But I've heard everyone's, everyone's heard all this, all I want for Christmas is you. You're my gift, whatever, so on. Yeah, yeah. This whole thing, and then, especially when you have family members who, when you sort of, do you have family members you sort of trade guests with and some you don't? Like, do you have like, yeah.

Basically, yeah, it's like, there's these awkward moments where, you know, there's this, I guess, this unwritten rule where my, my, my, my, He's like, well, let's just not, you know, let's just not exchange gifts between us. But nobody fucking told me that. So I show up, I show up at the house with, like, a book or two for him or something, and I give it to him. And then he has to, he doesn't have a gift for me. So he pulls this, I didn't realize it at the time. He pulls this weird, sneaky move where he was giving, he was giving, like, my mom, like,

two plants. And he went over and he, like, picked up one of the plants and he gave it to me. He's like, here, Merry Christmas. What I'm like about that is like... It's like, the year after that, I'm sure he's going to feel guilty and say, oh, I don't want that... What to happen this?

What happened last year? So I'll get you a gift. But then, but then you'd be like, well, I didn't give you a gift last year, so fuck him, I don't get him a gift. If he gives you a gift that year, it's perpetual. Very stressful. I feel bad.

I think I was a little prick, because we used to do, uh, we used to do like, this secret Santa thing amongst my, like, cousins and shit. And, like, literally all day when we'd have, like, a party and do the gift thing. I'd just be, every, all the kids would be looking so much forward to, like, the gift, to opening the gifts. And I was like, oh, God, I was like in a sweat. I was like, when are we opening them? Was it random? No, no, no, like, we'd pick a name out of a hat and,

and, uh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, it was, sorry, yeah. And then, like, I got this jacket and I was so fucking, like, upset. I was so upset. I was a kid, I, like, I just wanted a computer game or something. And I feel really, yeah, and I feel really bad, because, I feel really bad, because she probably knew that I was upset. Yeah, now I think a jacket's great. Now I love jackets. She probably, yeah. Nile could use a jacket. His family is porn. He's always shivering. Oh, now you made me feeling worse, Thamber.

I know. If you open it up, you're like, I don't want this shit. You old bitchy threw her the floor and stepped on it. Did it have tags on it? Or did she just pull it out of a closet and give it to you? No, they had tags on it. It was a nice jacket. It was like Old Navy or something. What do you think about people leaving tags on gifts or like price tags? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that kind of like a fuck you? It's like, yeah, I pay this much for you. I always take prices off everything. I ever buy anyone ever regardless. It's not a fuck you. It's the kind of bragging thing. It's like... But it could go either way. It could be like, oh, a $5 thing.

I thought it was like $10. Thanks. Yeah. But they could easily just put like a fake tag on something. Be like... Who could have to be able to go away? Shut up. Could it happen. Hey, Jeff, you're going home to see your parents this Christmas?

Correct. You find that you act significantly different around your relatives? Yes. Not my parents, though. There's... I'm just saying, like, in general... Or like, maybe you guys can enlighten me on this if you have a similar experience. But basically, uh, do you have relatives that you only see maybe once a year, possibly

on the holidays? And, yep, everybody, you're, like, everybody on my side of the family, like myself, my parents, and then everybody else, when they interact together, you can sort of tell they're not being themselves. They're, they're putting on these weird, like, masks. It's all smiles and nods. Yeah, and it's like, I can tell my parents aren't acting. how they normally act, and I can tell

they're not acting how they normally act. Everyone's just being overly pleasant. You could look at it in the way that like, they're probably talking to each other as they were when they were younger, and they talk to their kids, like, they'll talk to you differently because they need to be like disciplinarians and shit. Perhaps it's reversed. Maybe for the most part of the year,

they're not being themselves because they're miserable, and then when they all get together, it's too, it's all too nice. It's too sugary. It's too bullshit. It's too, yeah, it's just too fake. There's also this, it seems to be like there's also a, there's like this weird almost forced like let's not fight it's

Christmas and it's just like that you the thing is it's weird because you've known them for like 30 over 30 fucking years and you still don't know them as people you've seen been meeting talking to them for 30 years and you still don't know who they really are yeah see that's the key word

is people you know family's family whatever who gives it fuck but at the end of day it's a room full of people that that happen to be related by blood look this way take any one of those people and think like would this guy be my friend in real life, more often than that, it's no. Like, you would not be that person you wouldn't talk to him. He's like your neighbor.

Like, you nod, friendly, every now and again, and that's it. Wave. Wave, that's it. Yeah, one side of my family, you're all into, like, sports and shit. I couldn't give two shits about that, so they all thought it was game going up. I swear, if you all gotten together in a room, like your whole family, your extended family, whatever, and you're the ones who just raise your hand, like, can we just drop the bullshit? I don't like you,

and you, why don't we just split off into sex and fucking talk to the people we want to talk to. I got treated like kind of, kind of, like, a freak? A freak? Yeah, because I was like, I was like kind of a nerd And I wasn't into like, they were all like really

There were soccer players And all like athletic and stuff And I just like was fucking I was trying to like do all this computer shit When I was like 10 And like they were like what the fuck What a fad? That's, oh that's another fun thing

It's like when you're Explain what you do Family events And yeah not only that But when they They bring up something like sports And I don't really watch sports And this guy comes over

Kind of like a friend of the family He's like so What do you think of the Eagles this season And all you want to do is like I don't fucking care I don't care And instead of just saying Instead of just saying I don't watch football

I try to make it less awkward by pretending I try to like fake my way through it I'm like yeah they're Yeah they're doing good Yeah I do the same exact thing Yeah he's like then he mentions a specific Player name he's like yeah what do you think I know his touchdowns or whatever

I'm like yeah no it's uh yeah it's pretty good Ludicrous display last night And then I get really quiet and then he gets really quiet. You're going to put your foot in your mouth one day and be like, hey, he's great for a white guy. And he's black.

Aha, I got you, Jeff. Then I walk away at the end. What if he's been light? What if he's making up? He was all these years just to see if you fight. I don't know what the thing there is because I do the exact same thing. Like, I'm in a bar and it's like, hey, do you see the giants are playing the dolphins? I'm just like, yeah, how about that?

Didn't see that one coming. It's like, instead of just saying, I don't watch football, I don't give a fuck. Because I don't know, would the guy just get up and walk away? My neighbor pulled that shit. on me just yesterday. Hey, you're watching the Eagles game? What are you excited for them? Eagles? And I was actually honest. I'm like, hey, look, man, I don't, you know, I've been saying hi to you for like five years now, but I know I don't watch football, so now you know. And their response is always the same when you're honest. They're like, oh. Okay.

Full stop. That's it. That's the end of the conversation. I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm like, I guess that makes me lame or a terrible person. He's like, no, you're just, you're just, uh, you're just, I'm not Philadelphian. And then he just turns his back and walks away. Yeah, but if you don't watch the Eagles and eat cheese steaks every day, then you don't fucking belong in this fucking city. If you want to watch football, that's cool. Like, football, like, knowing about football is only good for small talk for people that you wouldn't probably want to

talk to anyway. I don't want to watch millionaires run around and play a fucking game. Players change. You know, gives a shit. Who gives a shit, man? You don't want to live vicariously through a bunch of millionaires to play. That's the thing. People say, oh, we want. It's like, what the fuck did you do? We won! Dude! What did you do? You lost! I used to think, like,

yeah. Like, when people used to play, like, Madden, like, football games, I'm like, that's so fucking stupid. Why don't you just get up and go outside, and play football. I like playing football. I mean, see, football's fun if you're, like, doing it, like, recreation. But now I think, kind of the reverse, like, playing Madden is more valuable than watching football on TV.

Because you're actually doing something. Yeah. Fuck football. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Do you not like the athletic prowess of all the players and how, like... I just don't give a shit, you know?

Any other artists or animators are into sports, really into sports. Literally none. Literally none. Literally. And I feel like a lot of people are really into sports for like the wrong reasons. Seems really rare. You see, like, a group of six people. One of them is probably really legitimately into sports.

And then the other five people just like screaming at a screen and getting together and drinking beer. Like, they could probably give a fuck less. Yeah, people who watch like the nerd, like, like the animators and stuff, they all watch like fucking, like, let's play. Well, not all of them, but like a lot of them watch like less play. It's kind of a form of the same shit. Why don't we just briefly cover what do you think it is that, why don't artists like watching sports? Because they're fucking Skie Melvins, who's parents? you're disappointed in the year. Because they're busy working.

Ha ha. No, dude, because they're fucking, okay, like, they're probably nerds. They probably like video games and they watch, like, let's plays and like... Well, let's break it down a little further than that. Just, like, not that they're... Like, me included, I'm a fucking nerd. What is it, like, when football comes on the

television screen, what... Does it just... Is it just visually boring to you? It's just always the same thing. Like, you go to any bar, any time of the year, and there's always, like, guys just kind of scrambling on a field, and you're like, oh, that's fucking... It just looks like the same. It's just complete, like, apathy. And it looks like something that you have to follow

constantly and consistently. I'm not willing to make that commitment. And then how can you like have, like, you just like, yeah, I really like the Eagles. It's like, okay, so that's the Eagles and that's your home team, that's cool. So what validity does it have when they keep swapping players out? Like, then what happens to your fucking team? Almost all of them aren't even from Philadelphia.

Yeah. You get all the bunch of guys from fucking, what's that movie with fucking Mark Wahlberg? Yeah. It's like, oh, yeah, the Eagles, it's in Philadelphia. It's like, yeah, dude from fucking New Orleans. and then like three imports. They're pretty much just companies. It's not like they're fucking representing.

I think, I think. And then you get furious. Like, well, what do you think about fucking so-and-so moving to Miami? I don't give a shit. I really don't care. I just go back to it. It's like, I like playing sports is five, but I don't care of watching somebody else play it. I used to have a lot of fun playing, just football with my friends.

Just throwing it around. But everyone who watches these sports feels like they won the game when they did nothing. Yeah. I don't get it. They lost a bunch of grown men played ball. I just looked to do. watching people do other stuff that I can do myself. It feels like a waste of time.

But to clarify, I have no problem. You know, if you're a fan of football, that's cool. Whatever. It's just not my thing. I don't get it. Yeah, I just don't get it. I'm sure a ton of our listeners are probably big fans. Probably soccer. Probably like real football more than American football.

We've been talking about American football. I've been talking about American football this whole time. These guys that obsess over sports stats in general are like the most alien beings of all to me. They just love shooting off stats. They just study stats. What about like fantasy football and shit? Yeah, fantasy football's another thing. Well, if there's something in it, like you're making money.

I think that will actually like make the dynamic different. What's weird about the fantasy football these? Those guys look down to people who do... I do see validity in football if you like bet on a team and you win money. Exactly. If there's money involved, that's the only reason that I'd watch it. It's just like a dog fight. Man, if I had money like on a, on like football every week,

I would learn everything about football. I would be like the pro at it. So maybe that that is one of the reason. Oh, you know, on the opposite side of the spectrum, me and Jeff watch, like, ours is street fighter tournament. So, I mean, who the fuck are we to talk? That's even more. That's like a dude playing a game. Yeah, so, like, who are we to talk about, like, this?

Like, we're actually watching these athletes who actually have, their bodies are, have been morphed for this game, whereas less, like, not less players, but, like, tournament people, their bodies, I guess, also have been morphed for what they do. But, uh... I think it's interesting in that regard, because it's, like, watching a game of a fast-paced, like, digital chess. I like to watch people out smart others I mean I used to play tennis and used to watch tennis Yeah that's true yeah Because tennis, you know A lot of people could say tennis is like you know

This pansy gay sport Just because the atmosphere it's in Because it's always like Wimbledon It's always such a snooty atmosphere But they're sipping tea and they're all wearing like whites It's almost It almost is like a fighting game And you're constantly, it's very fast-paced

There's many ways to outsmart Or trick your opponent into fucking up See I just see it as just like And this is hard to watch because you can't really, you have to put yourself in the shoes of the guy. Like, if you're actually playing tennis, this is balls flying everywhere. Like in Zach's mom's room. Right? Right, dude? Everywhere. But it is really fast-paced.

But when you're watching it from like a sky cam, it doesn't look like much. You just... Once you play it and know the rules and understand... It's like, yeah, it's more interesting once you really feel like you understand it. Like, same as watching a fighting game stream or whatever, but... Yeah. Trying to... Maybe I never took the time to understand football.

Maybe this is just one. That's fair. It's a fair point. I'm sure it's... I'm sure it'd be more interesting if I really tried to study it. I mean, I get the rules. I get how it works.

I understand how they play. Maybe I'm just not into it. It just seems a little... It seems like there could theoretically be a sport invented that's much more exciting, a much more exciting team sport. Have you ever watched a sport on TV and you just feel like it's kind of barbaric and weird and old that we still do this? Like that we still... Well, do you think it's like the modern equivalent of like gladiator fights and stuff.

Yeah, well, like, you look at baseball and it's like we throw this ball and a guy hits it with a stick and then he runs and then somebody might catch it. It's so, like, prehistoric. I think worse is those fucking, uh, uh, uh, the fit, what are those called? The fistfighting, uh, it's not UFC, that's wrestling.

Boxing? No, it's not boxing. It's, uh, fistic, M&A. Yeah. Oh, MMA's interesting to me. That's actually, I follow that. No, no, but I'm saying it's more like,

that's dudes literally fucking hit each other. Oh, like, yeah. Oh! They do have talent, though. It's just pretty, it's pretty much. I'm not talking down that. I'm just saying it's literally too. If the alien's all that,

be like, what the fuck is wrong to you guys? Let it be known. Zach thinks MMA guys are pussies and their sports shouldn't exist. If you're a strong, fight Stamper, because he can take out all of you. That's what he thinks. I'll take out all of you in a fucking row. That's not true. That's not true. Someone's going to put you to back at a headache convention and kill you.

Would you say faggot? See, would you? If I lived in, I lived in Roman times, I think I'd be going to the Coliseum every fucking day because besides have got, you know, gladiators fighting each other, gladiators fighting animals. There's even shit where they'd flood the Coliseum and they'd have little, like, naval battles. You know they had the equivalent of... Inside the Coliseum.

That was awesome. You better knock on my door. Be like... Do you know they... They got tigers today? I'll be there every fucking day. Do you know what they found recently that they had the equivalent of like hot dog stands at Gladiator shit?

I'm not surprised. And like fries and stuff, but like in the ancient version of them? I heard that um, like while these two fucking American establishments are fighting over who invented the first hamburger, they found that like they were serving hamburgers during Roman times at the Coliseum. You got to be so ass. Oh yeah. We talked about this. 20s before.

The equivalent of like meat patties inside Peterbread and then you got these two guys like, oh my grandfather invented the sandwich. You got to be some asshole to claim a fucking

dish ever It's like, it's like It's like, it's like Made between bread, man. The whole town was doing and he was like, this is mine. It's like, dude, you don't fucking deal, you asshole.

Some dude's mom made it for some dude in Kansas long before. That was probably the first one that you did. It's like, dude, I've been eating that for years. Like, why do you guys get to fight over it?

You gotta be some asshole. It's made between bread. As soon as like agriculture was fucking invented and bread was invented, people have been doing that. There's no way people were grabbing fucking raw hamburger patties. He's going, is there an easy way to do this? Yeah. Someone put bright over patties. It's like those failure infomercials.

It's like a black and white. A guy picks up bread and he's like, oh, I want meat too. And he picks up the meat and he gets grease on his hand. He's like, oh, no. And it goes all over his shirt. He's like, oh. Yeah. The Earl of Sandwich.

The first sandwich ever invented was in Great Britain. and 1780 30,000 years after bread was first invented Yeah, the first sandwich And meat, fucking frauds fraudulent They are frauds

Fucking the Earl of Sandwich The most boring man It's like God, I need something My term's almost up I invented the sandwich It's mine, I named it I don't care who had it Off with your head

But if Obama invented a food Called the Obama Would you eat that, Zach? Sounds awful The Obama He actually doesn't sound bad What kind of food would be? I'll tell you what it would be. And now this is political.

The package would promise all these great things, but we open it, it's burnt and rotten and not very good. And it goes up in it, you know what? And here's something else. It's not very good either. What do you mean it's burnt? It's fucking black like it. I'd say it almost sounds like some kind of like sliced meat or some kind of chucky soup or something. I don't know.

I'd imagine a chili dog. Yeah, big long sausage. Hey, let's go. Let's go get an Obama. It's a chili dog with chunky chili and cheese on it That sounds like an Obama, yeah One big Obama please Yeah, you want to double Obama?

Yeah, I'm fucking hungry Yeah, just two big long sausages And you know, you know something else It wasn't a dick joke Wasn't Dick joke What? I've seen Obama's weiner Pathetic ass weiner

Who's a pathetic? Trust the president with a tiny weiner He was not pathetic step He probably was there He was like Harry Stepper You want to see my uh My wheeler? Yeah?

He was like, too bad There's a chance like Obama's taking a shit right now And they put his finger through a zipper So it looked like his winner He's like, like... Check it out! Do you like it? Let me see. The president is allowed to tell One joke a year, and I think I

knocked it out of the park. That's funny. Do you think, like, the White House cleaning staff, they get to walk into his bathroom after he takes a huge dump, and they're just like... For things I do for love, as they're like, wow, man.

And they're like, the most powerful man in the world, huh? They've got the most powerful dumps. Do you think they almost want to breathe it in for a little bit just to sort of like... Gain his powers? his power. Whenever I think about him, I always wonder if he does, like, basic shit. Like, I always wonder

if he has morning wood when he wakes up. He's just a big bone and he's like, goddammit. He has to play in his waistband and get dressed. Well, god damn. Or if he has, like, porno magazines under his mattress. Or if his wife, like, walks in and catch him, like, flipping through porno? And he's, ah, I wasn't doing anything, honey. Everything, he just gets on the presidential computer and just starts looking through some unspaving material.

Yeah, like, team pussy close-up. Yeah, you do the, you look through the history. It's like, hot girl, hot girl, naked, Britney Spears naked, hot pussy, uncut, wrong. Democratic sluts. Uncut dick. Like, he doesn't know how to search for porn? No, Michelle Obama, naked, real.

Political. Naked, real. Oh, boy. I don't know how we got here, but. It's Christmas. Oh, okay. Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Obama searches teen girls fucking. What do you think Obama's doing for Christmas? Fucking teen girls. Fucking teen girls. Fucking teen girls. P.O.V. Real close-up. Cool. facial. What do you think Bill Clinton is?

doing for Christmas. We might as well talk about other presidents since this one's going to be obsolete when that filthy gorilla leaves the office because I'm not voting for him. I'm out. I like Obama. I think he's cool. He doesn't bother me. Bill Clinton's probably a secular's

feet that pussy. You know what my judgment for a good president is? He leaves me the fuck alone. He doesn't beat on my door and ask me for stupid shit. He doesn't like slash my tires or do, you know, just he's a good president. As far as I'm concerned, he's a nice guy. A good president. It's a good thing this isn't a political podcast.

He doesn't prank call me. He doesn't try to hack my email. He's a good guy. How would you even prank call you? What would even do? Like, this is not Obama. This is George Bush. Fuck you.

Huh. Bitch. A little bag. Shut up, Zach. We have to get this back on there. We have to get back to Christmas now. All right, let's talk about, uh, let's go back to Christmas. This is a Christmas special after all.

I was, do you have any interesting Christmas, Christmas memories, Zach, that don't revolve around presents? Christmas dinner. Something relatively true. This is absolutely true. Yeah, you know, it doesn't involve monkey barring around your dad's weiner. That's true! I'm gonna flash you back, Zach. A little flashback.

But I was a little baby boy, only age, age 6 or 7 perhaps. It was a Christmas day. I woke up. I woke up. That was great. I opened the windows. I said, it's Christmas. I shot that.

it echoed out the city. It's clear. I said it the second time, just to make sure everyone heard me so they knew in case they forgot. It's Christmas. Uh-huh.

And we said, shut up. That's what I said to him. But then, the real story begins here to stand up because guess what it happened? Look at my grandpa's house. Stayed over in his house

by cousins. We went to two years. Every story that, every one of your lie stories involve either your grandpa or your cousins. Listen. I wish I had cousins. Listen.

We went and doing it. room. We snuck in like the Grimbed who stole Christmas. We opened. Is that real? We opened, we opened, we opened the cup, his top dresser drawer when he wasn't in there. He was God doing something.

Parnography. Merry Christmas. You know the whole old face? That's what I did. Slapped your little cheeks. Some of the little cheeks. Did a little old face? Also a big vibrator. I'd love it was here's my grandmoms. Hopefully your grandmoms. But anyways, they found it. We found it. We closed it, freaked

out. They found it a skew. If you could believe that. Then we got yelled that. Then I cried. Wait, when you were seven, you wouldn't even know what a vibrator was. A liar. I did. It was dick-shaped, like my big,

that dick in my pants. Little pink and had little nubs on it? Just like my dick. Anyways, they yelled at me. They're like, why'd you go through my stuff? And I was like, who shoves that in their pussy slash ass? I want answers.

And I interrogated them. That's just doing. But I really did fine for not to be a vibrator and I cried. You sat to your grandparents down when you were seven. Who shoved this up there? Who shit is this?

Answer me. Who shit particles are these? and smut magazines. So that's Christmas story. Also, another one is... So you found porno. Another one is... Welcome to childhood.

I got the same year I got to Nintendo DS, my brother asked for a little motor, a little pocket rock, a little motorbike. And he got that. But then he was like, that DS is mine. I was like, no, it's not. Like those gas powered things? It'd go like 60 miles an hour.

It's a little tiny one for kids. Yeah. And my brother was like, that DS is mine. I was like, no. Santa gave that to me. It's mine. I was like, you fucking liar. You got a big motorbike.

It's all I got. a little bag. He argued. He was like, he had like a temper tantrum. We argued about it. So he wanted both of them? Yeah, he thought it was his too. It was like, it's not yours, dude. It's fine. And you got nothing for Christmas? It was, the DS was well.

That's what I mean. That's what he assumed. There's like, he gets all that. Yeah, we argued with it. Yeah. We argued about that for a long time. Is he handsome? You could say that. Is he more handsome than you? He's more handsome, but his dick is weird-looking.

So he's cursed either way. He's cursed. How's it weird looking? Looks like a skeleton key. It's got a bend at the end and a ring in it somehow. It looks like a decrepit old man finger. When it's soft? It looks like a witch finger pointing.

Yeah. It's always accusing everybody. Why are you looking at your brother's boner for? Everyone sees their brother's a soft boner, but... You walked in a room with a silhouette. Listen, listen, guys. This is the Christmas podcast. Not the dick podcast.

They're all the dick podcast. What's more Christmas you see that a big, crepit... It's dick. Like a spring? Like a shadow on the wall? Like a ghost is pointing to hell. Let's talk about Christmas trees. I like, I don't know how popular this is.

I guess it's not very popular at all. Boo! Go to the store and 99.9% of the trees are like green, plastic green. I like the plastic trees enough. That's fine. You can reuse them. But I like the white ones. I think the pure white Christmas trees are really lovely.

Now, you say pure white is the best. Oh, here we go. Could you talk a little more about that? Yeah, I like the white trees. Look, how wilds of those? No, I just remember. It was like fond in my memory. Like, I remember when I was a kid.

Like, I thought the Christmas trees are kind of cool. But then I remember I saw a white one that had nothing but blue ornaments and blue lights on it. And I was like, wow, that's the nicest looking tree I've ever seen. It was just really appealing to look at. And not like those bullshit green trees that are sprayed with, like, aerosol, fake-ass snow. Like, what's the point? I just like those, like, white... Yeah, dude, the white...

Classic trees. I mean, obviously they're not real, but... I thought they're kind of classy. They're like a blank canvas to put all kinds of stuff on. I would get dragged out to the Christmas tree farm every fucking year. It'd always be rainy and muddy and cold, and my dad would hand me the saw, and then he'd find the tree, and I'd have to saw.

I'd have to cut it down, and we'd bring it back and set it up. The tree would always be lopsided, so it would never stand up on its own, even with, like, the Christmas tree holder. Did you guys get real of Christmas trees ever? I was going to say, we got it one year, it was the messiest fucking, because it sheds. It sheds pine leaves. Yeah, no, you have to put water.

You have to sort of keep it half alive with putting water and stand, sitting it in water in the thing that holds it up. But the problem is, the things don't work very well. So my dad had to rig this thing with, like, fishing line to hold at the top of the tree to hold it in place. So it didn't fall over. Yeah, it's like bolted into this, like, ring at the bottom. It's not because every tree trunk is different. Yeah.

And so your tree is always going to be loft. It's going to be a huge mess. It's a burden to fucking. It's, uh, I guess they're, there's, there. cheaper. You gotta dispose of it too. What's not even sure how much they are? They gotta be up there.

But we'd always have to like, and then you just throw it in the trash, right? Well, yeah, I'll tell you that. Yeah, basically, but there's a woods behind my parents' house. So every fucking year, I'd have to, once the thing it was pretty much dead, I'd drag it out of the house.

I was the one charged with getting rid of it. So I had to put on my big fucking mud boots. Was it your punishment because you wanted a Christmas tree? You were like Kevin. I hated it. I hated getting the real, I hate, I despised the Christmas tree thing.

every year up so. You can't really let your back like Jesus? No. Did you just get like a moderate size like human height tree? Or did you have to go? It was bigger. It was good to do bigger. Eight foot, nine, ten foot tall tree. Because we had it in our house and had like a higher ceiling so we could we could somehow fit a bigger tree.

Was your home like the meeting spot for all the family? Not really. Just kind of your own family? Where did you do it? Where did you do the, did you ever do the family thing? Yeah, we we'd pick different. You know yeah, all our family was sort of like choose a different house every year to meet up. But I'll tell you the one thing interesting,

though, just to finish that story is I'd drag it out in the woods and every year, every year I drag it to the same spot. So there's a big pile of like corpse, tree corpses from all the previous years. Oh, they're all like degrading. Yeah, yeah, like it's almost like a chart of like degraded trees all the way down to nothing. How many are sitting there now? There's a few. My parents actually stopped getting real trees a few years ago. They finally just had enough. So the fake trees are pretty expensive, but I guess you can just fold them up and we... Yeah, my family used that fake tree for a good, what, like seven or eight years, I think?

So did mine, yeah. In Ireland, gypsies sell the Christmas trees, and they try to, like, scam you. Real trees or, like, fake ones? No, real ones. They're like, they just stand on the side of the road and they're like, oh, what about a Christmas tree? Like, it's really annoying. No, no, no, that's how they talk.

Hey, what about a Christmas tree? No, no, no. Don't step in a blues way of your shoes. No, they don't, but they... Yeah, like, so you have to kind of... You got pine trees and... Or is it like fake ass like furs and like it's this pine trees you use or like it's it's fine trees you're We got it first we've got pine trees. Do you? Yeah. Yeah Because our island

We got fine pine trees. We do um Fletrees. Fine trees. Pint trees. Put in Ireland like it's never it never snows or anything so it's not really it never really feels that christmasy You guys celebrate Christmas? Yeah. I thought you had like boxing day or some shit on the 25th and you celebrate Christmas later Where the fuck did you hear that? No no it's we it's Christmas on the Christmas Day and then the next day is boxing day Let me tell you how many people give a shit about Ireland. It's just something I heard and whatever, you know. No, boxing day is the next day. What the fuck is boxing day again?

It's just the day after Christmas. It's when you walk out on the street, you're all drunk and you fucking hate each other in the mouth, and whoever dies. I believe that. First wins. Is it just a celebration of boxing? The sport? Or is it like...

Oh, I have no idea. Or is it like boxing your... I think it's like boxing stuff up and giving it. I think it's when you give stuff back. So you take it back to the store, I think. Oh, you're packaging stuff. I think. I know what has to do with packaging.

I'm pretty sure. I don't fucking know. What are you guys? Okay, Google. Mine just search Okay, Google. Okay, Google. What is Boxing Day?

For Christmas Day. All right, thanks. What does that mean? What does it do? Just look at Wikipedia. You should, like, add something... Uh, okay, so... To that.

It's a holiday traditionally celebrated the day following Christmas Day when servants and traits people would receive gifts known as Christmas box from their bosses or employers. In the United Kingdom, Canada, Hong Kong. So it's basically when you

the day after Christmas you give like, if you're somebody's boss you give them like... Oh, I see. Is that what that means? Well, I like my version better where people put together in the face. We didn't call it a boxing day. We call it St. Stephen's Day. We call it a Christmas bonus that you get before Christmas so you could use the bonus on stuff for Christmas.

Your countries are broken and backwards and I don't like it. God bless America. God bless America. God bless America. God bless America. God bless America. God bless America. God bless America. God bless America. Come on guys. It's supposed to be Christmas. We're supposed to be all friends here. you. Hey, uh, no. What, if, if we actually

cared about each other, what would, what gifts would we actually theoretically give each other if we were going to give each other something? I'd give you a Voltron and a BB gun and I'd say, don't shoot your eye out, Jeff. Oh my God. And then I'd give you a cranky bar. But that's between me and you, my friend. Yeah, you're, fuck you.

Just briefly, I still don't fully get this thing. I'm trunking each other. You want to sum up the crunks? Yes, for years, for years, for several years now, probably, almost a decade. Stamper and I have been playing this devilish, sick game with each other where we call it

crunking each other where basically there's this fucking video of this Japanese candy bar commercial. I think they're Korean. Korean. Okay, are they Korean? They might be. We'll put it in the description. The band is called like Cattoon or... Cat tune.

And the candy bar is called a Krunkie bar. It's like, it's almost like a Nestle... It's like one of those chocolate bars filled with kind of like rice or whatever. Yeah. But it's just a little candy bar commercial. But they're dancing around and they're running up the stairs and this dude's biting into the candy bar and he's like brushing away his beautiful feathered hair, which doesn't look natural on him at all. And we were always trying to trick each other into

watching this fucking video. I don't even know where it started. It's like... It's like Rickrolling. It's really Rickrolling. Yeah, essentially, but it's gone on for years and it really, really advanced to like, I'd send him the video and then he'd send me the video and I'd be like, God damn it. And then he would like send me the video and he would put the hyperlink with different text and then I'd click it and then the fucking guys would come up dancing and I'd be like, God damn it. And then like we would like send it.

He's like, dude, could you please look at this flash document or you'd look at this flash movie and see this animation looks, uh, looks okay. And then we'd embed the commercial in the right in the middle and be like, God damn it. And then once I imported a bunch of crunky bars and I put them like all in Jeff's mailbox and around his desk and this has gone back before someone and then Jeff went out and got a card a card printed where like those recordable cards you can record a message yeah I oh it's like on the front it says like roses are red piss is brown when you're drunk and then I open it up and there's the cranky logo and it plays the fucking theme song I threw it on the ground I was like god damn it's all

it's been even to this very day I got crunked like two days ago really it's the dumbest fucking shit I know. It never ends. It never ends. I ran the dude's face to one of those asky art filters in Senti. It was like in like a text document. Oh my God. So yeah, there's that.

Dude. I don't even know where... I was going to buy a skull and put the feathered wig on the skullhead and filled with blood and crunky bars and mail it to your house. Yeah, it's not over. It will never be until you die before I do. Oh, wait, what started that? Oh, yeah.

What, theoretically, would we get for you? Oh. Oh, wait, okay, so that's what I'd get for Jeff. Nile, I would get you, a bunch of black and milds, I don't know, some pots and pans. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah. Zach, I would get you a new brain, a new heart, and courage.

I did the courage I did this. I would get Zach a sick-ass jacket. Ooh, yeah. And I would get myself Dick implants Dick implants So my penis I'd probably just buy you a huge

Like 80 packet of cigarettes And make you die faster A bunch of booze Thanks man That's what I would give you Dude you'll die a happy man And I give you Wendy's gift card Thanks man

Well the Wendy's gift cards Go in your stockings Those aren't real gifts Dude I want a fucking Wendy's gift card I would give Nile A kiss on the mouth I'd give Nile a mattress He's sleeping on the fucking floor

Like a corpse Oh that would have been a better answer Yeah My back is fucked up But hey. Jeff. Yeah. Oh, Jeff, oh, Jeff.

You give me, Zach. You don't like gift cards. I couldn't give you a gift card. I'd probably give you, like, some street fighter thing. Like a poster. See, I have no Jeff for years now, but I don't know what I'd give as a gift. Get him a sick-ass tackle box and a fishing license. Actually, no, I would.

I'd probably give you, like, a toolbox in a fishing thing. You used to Jack what Stamper said. Well, I would. A toolbox is always good to have. I want one. It's kind of odd that you still get gifts. The last time if any family members gave me a gift, was like when I was 18.

And then when I was like 19, my mom got me a cart and a cigarette and $100. And I was like, this is pretty cool. But you know, you don't have to buy me gifts anymore. And then they just kind of stopped. Jeff, I would give you a sentie card for your tablet. Okay. I'd be convinced you to you to buy one of those for years.

I know. It's not such a hassle. I don't blame you. I'm so scared of change, though. I swear to God, your dick will get hard immediately and spray like fucking crack atola. I'm scared of not being able to reach the keyboard as well. No, you can, that's the beauty is.

You keep working go right under your tablet. Zach scares the shit out of me with it is Sintiq Arm because he just like fucks the tablet out of the way. Like you just like... I grab it. It looks like it's about me. It looks like it. Oh my God. You don't grab it though.

You just go like what? If you have a Sintiq or a tablet and you draw it, get an R or like a rotatable. I think it's like an Ergatron or something. Get it. It's like a hundred bucks. It's more of the best investments you could buy. It saves so much fucking desk space, dude. Thumbs down.

But you brought you, Iber Jr. Never didn't even have a Sintech. Bad gift. Jeff keeps his keyboard behind his cinty. Yeah. Yeah, but he'll say he could have under it if you wanted to. Yeah, but he's been doing that for years. Now he's going to have to learn a brand new way because you're newfangled bullshit.

I'd have to buy two or three arms just to keep, just to make all my workstations the same. Well, then I'd do that. I go nuts. Fuck you. You don't know you. You don't know me. I would get Jeff a pretty new hat. Thank you.

I would get you, I'd get you, Jeff, I'd get you a wallet gift card and a cinty garb. There you go, fuck you. All right, fair enough. I'd get Jeff a biker jacket that actually fits. Mine fits good It's just it's cut weird Where if I raise my arms Oh you are too short

Yeah the arms are I hate that Oh you just like this strange If you like walk like the tin man Yeah Like you look fine But the second you go up to point It's something

It looks like you're wearing a 12 year old boy shirt Oh I know that's happened to me Yeah It is a little weird I don't know yeah I'm still looking for the perfect jacket Can you get one Taylor made I guess so

But I don't really I guess you can buy a jacket You can buy a jacket It's slightly too big And then have him cut it down I got a suit. But see, suits are different, though. I got, it's kind of off topic, but I got a suit, and the sleeves, I thought were too short

because the little white part of the shirt came out. I was like, I looked stupid, and then I got it longer, and that looks even worse, because it, like, it touches my wrist. The little white part of the sleeve is supposed to come out of a suit jacket. I know. So the other suit, I only have two. The other one I have, that one's cut fun of it. I look good in that one, I think. My arms are regular in that.

But the other one I have is fucking, the arms are too long. This one time I went to the suit store to buy suit. and I tried on the pants and then I had to I was wearing like these really flimsy boxers and I had to stand in front of a mirror while a guy was measuring my legs and you can see like the perfect outline of my wiener

and I know he was like staring at it the whole time and I felt so fucking uncomfortable and then that's when I learned to wear like really tight boxer briefs when you have fucking suits on because I do I only wear boxer briefs now I started to stop doing it like stuff wearing regular boxes like two years ago

Well they bunch up when you pull your jeans on and shit just wear boxer briefs like a normal Who the fuck wears tidy whities man? Yeah, briefs. I remember when I was in like early, like junior high school and my mom, I was wearing those tighty whiteies. And my mom was actually like, listen, Jeff, you have to wear, you should start wearing boxers.

Yeah. And I didn't want to. I was being really difficult. I'm like, no, I like my tidy whiteys. You know who's tiny whities? Dads do they stuck their big daddicks into the tidy whiteies and walk around. She knew I was going to have to start like changing and like the... Oh yeah, they were going to get your ass beat.

Yeah. You got to prevent me from getting my ass. ass kicked. That's a good pair of though. That's a good dude. Dude, you know, I was a thank her. But I thought, I was thinking about this recently like, I was like, yeah, you know, when I was a kid, you know, you have, like, your little Transformers underwear and your little Ninja Turtles underwear.

But then I was looking at him. I was looking at this photo of this kid in his little just nothing but his little transformers underwear. I don't know why I just admitted that because it's not like a family member. But he has like a little Decepticon logo on his wiener, right? And then when you turn around, like, there's a Decepticon

logo on the butt. And you think, like, the designers have to put the little logo somewhere. But isn't it weird that they have to put like Ninja Turtle heads, like Bart Simpson just like... Open his mouth with the cockings? Yeah, like, there's like, there's only two places to put it on the butt or on the weaner. And it's like, well, you have meetings

like, okay, so we're making these little Power Rangers. So we put the Red Ranger's head on the butt. No, that's a little weird. Had Homer Simpson's really right on his dick. Yeah, put a little donut on his butt and then Homer Simpson's head on his weiner. Or you have like the little patterned ones. Those were better.

I remember having little tidy whiteies. I had like a little red strap and the like this... Yeah, I had, I had textures online. I did. Yeah, it was called feces. White is falling in snow. Do-do feces.

I know we probably talk about like movies and shit too much, but are there any just briefly, like, are there any good Christmas movies you'd like to recommend the audience? I think, I think Christmas Carol, the 1981, with who? With, I don't know what the fuck his name is. It's not only, that shit, because there's like 9 million Christmas Carol movies,

This was like in 1983 And it's got the dude that played fucking patent I don't know what the fuck is See Oswald Cobblepot I don't know what the fuck's name is But that's not only the best Christmas movie In my opinion but actually one of the better movies I've seen And the Ghost of Christmas Future is still fucking horrifying

Like I watched that movie for the first time Only like two years ago When the Ghost Christmas Future came up I was legitimately scared I was like should I turn the fucking light on They had some scary sound effects Every time that thing fucking pointed What's the name of the Christmas Carol

That's that bullshit story ways like You boy go to the store and get me the biggest goose and then bring it to Bob Cratchett and then come back here and eat my Ains house. What was that movie Miracle on, was it 34th? 34th Street. With that girl? That was all right.

Oh yeah, the one where he The Santa was in the mall and he was like speaking Danish or something. It was they had to prove Santa was Santa and like a courtroom or something. Yeah. That one was pretty good. Was it Jimmy Stewart or one of those Christmas on?

Yeah, it was I don't want to try. The one where it's like, Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. No, that's not a miracle on third. That's,

No, that's not, No, that's what you used to do with, what's it called? It's a, It's a wonderful life? No. Yeah, that's it. Is it?

Yeah, that's a wonderful life. Yep, that's got to be it. I'm pretty damn sure. That's what it is. Sorry, I'm wrong. That's great. But, uh, as far as, like, modern movie,

or not so modern, but like, oh, die hard. That's a great Christmas movie. Fuck, yeah. Diehard, the best Christmas movie. Wonderful Christmas There's a few movies that play Every Christmas on TV

It's like a Christmas story Christmas vacation Another crystal Christmas What else? In those fucking Christmas with the cranks Oh those creepy fucking stop motion Rudolph shits that you love man

The Frosty the Snowman I used to do you know I actually love The 2D Frosty Snowman when I was a kid Oh that one you were talking about Those top motion ones Yeah they scared the shit out of me Those stop motion ones are fucking scary dude The Obama old snowman used to skill to

Yeah You know when he was evil and he looked in the mirror and his face was like, yeah. Yeah, like the teeth? Yeah. And the movement was like House on Haunted Hill. They were just jittery.

Yeah, Jesus Christ. If you put a black filter over that cut, change the audio around, it'd be a fucking nightmare. Bad Santa is also a good movie. Yeah, that one was better than I thought it was good movie. I haven't seen like... As far as comedies go,

it's like one of the few comedies where I'm just not cringing at it. It's really just... It's so mean. It's funny. I haven't seen... He's calling this, like, fat, ugly kid or funny. He's like, you fucking retard.

Really? In a Christmas movie? Oh, he's talking to him like an adult, yeah. It's weird when they're casting this movie, they're like, yeah, we just need a fat, weird-looking kid that looks like a retard. When he calls him a retard, it has to be believable. So who told me this?

Okay, I think it might have been Nile. But I've always wondered, like, you're watching a show, like, say you're watching Breaking Bad, and you need somebody that's got a really fucking horrible-looking face. It looks like they legitimately take meth. Yeah. You don't want to be, it's all gone. You don't want to be the dick and be like,

yeah, we need a really ugly woman that looks like she's been taking that. Yeah. Somebody told me that what they asked for is a character face Yeah, that was me. Yeah, they put on the paper or whatever when they're looking for auditions, they say character face and then all the ugly people know that that's them so they all go down and audition.

What do they do with like the huge obese people though where you have to like call them fat and obese like in the script? Character body. Character body? I don't know. It just always makes me uncomfortable. It always says fat, fat, fat, fatty the casting call. Yeah, they're being really mean in the script.

It's like they're just being mean. It's like, there's a scene where you're being really mean to a fat body. I'm sure they say that, dude, like, as an actor. Yeah. Like, in this scene, you have to call him a fat piece of shit and really hurt his feelings. Feel free to ad lib anything. It's like, dude, I'm not going to add lib. I'm sure they say, like, must be over 400 pounds and must be willing to get, like, in front of, or yeah.

Most of the fat people I know has got a good sense of humor about their weight. They're like, yeah, I know him fat. Fuck you. Let's go to Cheesecake Factory. Get some cheesecake. Okay, enough talking about these big fat, one of the subhumans, as Jeff always says, let's talk about something better like Christmas. Christmas?

Hmm. It is the Christmas special after. all guys. Guys, my stomach is still rumbling and I love telling people subhumans. There's no food. What are you in the mood for, Nile? Any food?

Dick. I'm dying here. Cock. Pierce. Spotum. Whang? Fucking. Weak. Wieners?

Yeah. Hungic? Yeah. I don't know if I should do this podcast anymore. Put a little weiner and a little hot dog bun. Let's pull a ketchup. Put a little ketchup mustard on your little hot dog.

A hot dog. Always, these guys, you know, me and Stanford, I'm always talking about, like, jizzling on you as a joke, and totally just pranking you. Oh, no. You know what I mean? Like, we walk up to you, just come in the back of your head, you don't need to know? Yeah, you see one of those videos on, like, on, I was going to see YouTube,

but they don't, where, like, Japanese guys reading the newspaper really angrily, turns out he's jerking up behind the newspaper, right? As he's about to finish, he runs up to a girl and comes on her and then runs away. I always forgot, it's not, it's not called, it's called, I always figure what it's called. There's ones where there's people in a hotel, and they, she doesn't even know what has, she's like, what? Some girls just are like, oh, they take it out like a napkin out of their produce because they're so used to be getting caught me like that. Oh yeah.

It's true. She's like, not again. There's somewhere they're like on a balcony on a hotel and there's girls walking by and then they're just like, like blow their load all over the girls. They're like, but they're gone back in before they can like see who it is. Is there videos of this? Yeah, it's all on Eiff. I just think it's like bird shit or something. Maybe I'll walk you.

Would you please put a Christmas theme on this? Like, then they go, oh, maybe Christmas. You think Santa, whatever walks in the, the elves? workshop, he just comes to the back of their head and runs away. Thank you. You think Santa Claus ever does that these paper, just comes on the elves and he's like... Like, you better make some fucking nutcrackers.

Stop! Stop! Stop! What are you to do? Quit? I own you. What are you going to do, bitch? Start walking. Start walking across the North Pole and die. How do you think Santa shows, like, like, proves a message to all the other else walk under? Like, if there's one slacking off, you think he walks and he just fucking hits him in the back of the head or something? Or kills him for the other ones? You think they're up there making Xbox? No, no, no. He'd never do that.

He just, you just like... I'm trying to think of, like, a good movie reference. You know, like in Judge Jed, where they sent him out into the desert or whatever. Oh, into the cursed Earth. Yeah, the cursed Earth. Like, Santa just sends them outside, like naked. In the blizzard. I think Sanders would walk into the workshelf and all the else would go quiet and be one sleeping and say it would be smoking a cigar. They'd pull a gun and shoot you off in the back of the head and just drag it back with him.

It's like the end of Star Trek 6. Yeah. They start check six, they force you out to the cold if you misbehaved. Anyway. I like Star Trek. Yeah, and me too. I like Star Trek more than I like Star Wars. Me too.

Let me tell you that much. I like Star Trek way more than I like Star Wars. I like Star Wars. I like Star Trek way, way more than I like Star. I was never fan of either, but I like the Star Trek movies. Although it's kind of an unfair comparison. This is just because they're both like Star and... Yeah.

Star Wars is childish bullshit. You know like Johnny? It's as cheesy as fucking Star Trek can be, I still find it way more enjoyable. I'm just so sick and fucking tired of hearing about Star Wars. I don't need. I don't care about lightsaber battles. Are you talking about Next Generation or like chatting or Oh, we just alienated to all of our fans.

I like, you know, the original's alright. Next Generation and deep... I think Deep Space Nine is my favorite. Yeah. I think Deep Space Nine got a bad rat, or bad rap. It did. It's pretty good, though. But Voyagers kind of... I mean...

What? I was going to say... I was going to say... Go ahead. What would your guys's ideal... Guyses? What would your guys... Guys... Guys.

Guys. Guys. Yeah. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys.

What would your guysers... What would your guys's like... Double plural. Who would your goys? I'll be Jewish here for a second. What would your guy's ideal Christmas be? If you could just, you know, if you could choose anything in the world, what would your perfect Christmas be? Silence, working.

My favorite Christmas could be having it not Christmas. It's not Christmas. It's fucking Friday. It could be, it would be. Is it Friday? Dead silence? No. It's like Tuesday.

It's not Christmas. It's fucking Tuesday. Fuck. Mine would be sitting around the fire with my. my kids and giving them presents and seeing the big old smiles on their face and kissing my wife. Yeah, you were fucking wistful, man. Do you really want kids? You just, like, invented a whole life that you don't even have in your, and your fantasy is great.

But, yeah, but it's nice because the kids will be happy. My ideal Christmas would be... Stop using his podcast to get pussy. My ideal Christmas would be sitting there with Nile's kids, making him smile more than Nile and kissing Nile's wife in the mouth. Mm-hmm. Nile's like John McBacard and Star Trek 7, or he's wistfully dreaming about having a family. family, but he was fully regret.

They never, that he prioritized work over family. Shut up, nerd. Listen, faggot. My ideal Christmas is coming in when Zach is kissing Nile's wife.

I come in and I rip all the toys out of Nile's kids' hands and I start playing with the fire truck and the kids like, I'm gonna play a fire truck. My kids would never want a fire truck. Huh? My kids would never want a fire truck. What do you know? You left, you left, but they were younger.

I came in and saved them. Kids still want fire trucks. There's Tonka trucks in the store. There's Tonka trucks in the stores still. He doesn't... Stoddardly Stanley! Stop it! They're like little cat machines.

He doesn't want a fire truck. Was he what you want cool things? No. You don't know what your son's gonna want? He doesn't want a firetruck. Everyone wants with those little digger toys and fucking firetri-trives are cool! He thinks that they're lame. He wants a Wawa-Pes-Dispenser.

Don't talk about Joey like that, the faggit. I'm gonna buy one of those, by the way. I'm gonna kiss him right on the mouth. The Wawa Pes-Dispensers? Yeah. Yeah, I'm playing that. Dude, that made me laugh so hard. I was like, oh.

We were in Wauau yesterday, and I just saw Zach just laughing to himself, and I just went over, and he was just laughing because there was a Pez dispenser with a Wawa, like, a Wawa, like, stock truck as the Pez dispenser to. Like, where you put boxes? I was like, dude, some kids, like, what, Darth Vader or, like... Yeah, it's a semi truck with a trailer on it. It says Wawa, and I was like, dude. Did you guys ever get the Hess trucks for Christmas?

What are those? Hess gas stations, whatever? Yeah, every year, every year, the Hess gas stations, they come, they come, I don't know if they still do it, they come out with a Hess toy truck and it's different every single fucking year. Really? But my grandfather would give me one, the new one, every single year, but they'd, it looked like a tractor

trailer or a gas tanker or it would have like a little secret compartment in the back there, like a race car in it. It would, like every single year is different. Yeah. Yeah. They're kind of cool, but you're like, oh, cool, and then it just goes in the basement, you never see it again. You should collect them all and put them off on the shelter. There's a lot of people that do collect them.

How big? They're pretty good size. They always come in a box. About the size of a Wawa Hogi. Yeah. Exactly, yeah. 599 for a limited time. Enjoy delicious Wawa Hogi with turkey, sprinkle of Parmesan. I've almost had it. What else? Lettuce, tomatoes, onions.

There's mayo. Light mayo. No onions. This is the Zach special. Disgusting. Oggings are disgusting. What, fuck you, dude. I love onions. Fuck you. Fry onions are like a burger. Delicious. Give me more. I'll show you my fucking onions. Onions are great fried onions are better, okay? Sauteed onions for you. Foggings are what fucking ogres eat like you.

Fried onions remind me of foreskin, so it. I can't eat them. What? They remind me of four skins so I can't eat them. Like, I thought fourskins were great, the hell. I thought those are,

No, chopped off. Chopped off, I guess they taste the same too. Chopped off foreskins, just like you and, I guess, perhaps, I guess fourskins are...

What have you seen like a plate of chopped off foreskins before in your life? What are you talking about? But it reminds me of it. Do you just play with your foreskin? You're like, this reminds me of onions?

Chops off. If I chopped this off here? No, no, it's not. It doesn't remind me all the time of four... But, like, Like when it's like, you know those like round onions, not onion rings, but the round fried onions, they remind me. What is with all this food that reminds you of your dick? Yeah, you can't eat cheese because you're afraid that it looks like...

No, I can't eat feta cheese because it can't... Fetit cheese smegma. Every time you say that, it makes my stomach turn. Like, I just drank a couple of spoiled... So wait, onions remind you of poor skin or... No, just like the fried onions that are circular and they're on a plate with a lot of them. If we gave you a fried onion and... I don't like it.

Sandwich, would you eat it? If it was in the sandwich and I can't say... see it. I probably would be... Put a big sausage in the middle. Dude, I... No, no, but I'm saying if they're on their own and they're like sitting on a plate... Won't you grow the fuck up and understand their onions and just eat them? I can! No, I do. It's just that my body doesn't

like to eat them. I know what they are. I'm Nile. I can't eat peaches because they remind me of testicles. No, I can eat peaches. Put two peaches next to each other. They remind me of balls. I can eat them. Put them in a little bag. I can't eat them.

They're delicious. With a big yellow but they're a big-aging cock. Big Asian cock. They're very skin. It's a big Asian cock and pages. No such thing. He has to like Civora. If people were Pages. Pages. I'm sorry, Nile. Sorry. I can't help. But I'm, we're

dog-filing. Well, once again, Nile is the punching bag of this podcast. So, uh, you know. Well, there's there, boy. You have to, you have to be mean and fight back. When Stamper's insulting you, you have to insult him back. Holy, Holt Stapper. I usually am good. I'm usually good. I just don't know about Samper's shoes.

Hey! Samper's not wearing any shoes. But he does have to have. a hole in his fucking... I can't afford some. Talk about Stamper's shoes or lack thereof. Stamper in the middle of the podcast you whipped out your wallet and took out a shit ton of cash I saw a hundred dollar bills and you were going like this and then you

just put it back in. I was sorting my money. So you're like... I'm OCD about how money is sorted in my wallet. I hate it when like there's a one and there's a five between the one. It has to be an order. I hate that too. What was the last legitimate thing we talked about? Peeches? Peaches. Sorry, Nile.

I love you, buddy. You know I love you. No, I just... Who's that little Nile? Who's that little Nile? We're going to throw a big ass party, and you're invited. Anybody else going to a Christmas party? Do any of you guys have Christmas parties planned that you were going to?

Unrelated to your family. No. We did go to an event. I skipped them intentionally. We did go to an event a couple days ago. People invite me. And you were there, Stamper, Jeff, you were there. Would you consider that a Christmas party?

Yeah, yeah. It was a holiday party. There was some dude with a fucking, there were two dudes with a shitty Christmas sweater. So it's a Christmas party Those guys made it in Christmas party Why can't it just be a fucking holiday party? Again, you know, why is it a Christmas party?

I mean, they were making you, they were forcing you to give you kids' toys to get in. For Christmas, yeah. For gifts, so. Yeah. Oh, aren't they great people? They are donating to charity, you cock sucker.

Jeff, you would go into detail about what the event was a little bit? Why don't explain it? It's a, it's a few groups of local indie game developers who all sort of share a space, in the city, and they were having a little holiday party, and because they sort of know Tom and who followed Tom Fulp, who made Castle Crashers, and I'm working with Tom, and, you know, all of us

sort of know each other. We all kind of went as a group, hoping to have a lot of fun with a bunch of indie game developers. But a crazy indie guys. A bunch of crazy guys. I have to say, Jeff never drinks, but before this event, he drank, and I knew, I saw the fear of Jeff's eyes, I saw the horror. That was Corey. Corey also

Corey got so drunk at the Chinese restaurant we had before He was grabbing rice with his Barreys like a monkey And stumping into his face He's making rice balls He was mashing it into white balls Yeah

And he was like drooling on himself But I went to this Christmas point I went outside for a smoke And he swapped the beer Out of my... He drank Stamper's beer And it poured hot tea And Stamper's empty beer bottle

And he thought it was the funniest shit He was laughing so hard Like he got me good We were all laughing pretty hard He's a real psycho sometimes. Yeah, he's a fucking nut bar. Anyways, continue. So, yeah, we hung out at this holiday party.

I don't know. Is there any notable things that you guys noticed? A lot of flannel shirts and beards? A lot of flannel shirts. Now, but the one thing I noticed was, before Jeff and I went, I said, I said, Jeff, I have an idea of the kind of people this will be since it's indie gamers.

You know, a lot of people have a sort of image for these guys. You know, generally, hip still would be the word. And so I kind of said, Jeff, I wonder how many guys would be wearing thick rim of horrid glasses and I counted and I kind of put it together and I thought how many guys

what percentage of population actually wears glasses now I counted about 36 thick rim glasses and then I was like there were so many guys with thick rim glasses I started counting guys who had regular glasses four guys had regular glasses They were probably out of town Yes, towners

Yes exactly But yeah every every fellow there did fit the description Beanie's thicker glasses beards, flannel shirts, and skinny jeans. I didn't know what to expect, but to be fair... Oh, so great guys were that. To be fair, all of my talk to were really nice.

Nobody was... Nobody was talking about feminism or the patriarchy or anything like I was probably kind of expecting. Yeah, I was expecting to see that too. I felt like that we were the pieces of shit, though. Like, we were the outcast. Yeah, you were the bums.

We were the furser. Yeah, we were like hudies and we had like five o'clock shadows, and they were like all, like, had the beards. They were all chipper. They were all super-execers. excited to be hanging out with each other. There was a whiteboard there.

And we took advantage of that. Yeah, there was a big whiteboard that was totally, it was frayed. It looked like untrampled snow to us. I drew. Yes. Jeff, tell everyone what you drew on this. Well, Zach, as everybody could probably figure out in like two guesses, I drew him. I was going to say.

I drew. Now, you didn't just draw Hitler and you made Hitler say something. That was my guess. What did Hitler say, Jeff, next to his face? I drew a little word bubble that said, hell, indie gamers. exclamation point and I laughed I laughed to myself

and I walked away left that to be discovered by and then Jeff went to get pizza with his friend and we all thought Jeff left for good I'm still trying to figure out

who is responsible for this I was like listen I said to these guys listen I'm gonna come meet I'm gonna get some pizza with a friend of mine who lives in the city

and I'm gonna be fucking back in like half an hour because you guys just got there and I ate my pizza you know I talked to my friend and came back And you fucking guys were gone. Incorrect, baby. I was there.

Stamper, you convinced me you're like, Jeff's never going to come back. And I was like, oh, you convinced me, you've got to be the artist and said, fuck Jeff, Benno. You see that guy, Jeff? Should I tell the story about crinkles? I don't know if he wants me to tell him this. Sure, let me just take a week really quick. Crinkles? Yeah.

Pringles. Did I tell you about that when I saw him outside? No. That guy come back and I see crinkles, who's, you know, the creator of the madness, the whole the madness series and games and stuff. He's standing outside a little, uh, little. little intoxicated, but you know, he's all right, but he's standing out there looking really mad, and I'm like, hey, man, what's wrong? Oh, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, they're not letting me back into the party, and I was like, flabbergasted, I'm like, they're just a bunch of indie gamers, what do you mean they're not letting you back in? What, you don't, they don't believe you were there before, you don't have your ticket? He's like, they're just, they're, no, he's like, because you have to go up a flight of stairs to get to

the door, he's like telling me they're not even letting them in the entrance of the building, and I'm like, this is really weird, so, I was so confused, I was only paying attention to the one door where there was a bouncer out front and I'm like wait and I just said to the bouncer I'm like hey man can we get in inside and he's like you two he's like this is a club you two are looking for the door next door and it was just we were he was pissed off at the wrong guy in the wrong door the whole time he was trying to get into the wrong building the he was trying to

get into a nightclub for like 10 minutes and didn't realize it wasn't the Christmas party then he went upstairs and got a little bit more drunk a little bit more dude he was doing the he was doing the wobble walk yeah he was a happy man he slapsed he slapsed he slapsed me on the back so hard he almost knocked me over. Yeah, he's a violent man. How you doing, Stamper? What! He's like, come on, man. He's very intimidating. But anyway, yeah, you guys fucking bailed on me.

Went home. I really thought, Stamper, fucking vouched me here. I did, I did ask about Jeff. Tom said, Tom said, Tom's blaming you, you're blaming Tom. Me's been me. Not really blaming, but he said, oh, Zach said.

No. Zach, yes, he did. Stamper, you were there. How many times did I ask, is Jeff, is Jeff come back? Should we wait for Jeff? Everybody, it's not you're not for Top said, Jeff definitely got a train home. And I was like, all right.

But I asked about Jeff. I cried that night because I thought about Jeff. There's a lot of misinformation here about who. I definitely asked about you, Jeff. My friends ditching me in the city. Listen, except for you.

When you, I know. When you went out for pizza, was it good? Can I mention something about that, by the way? Yeah. Other stuff you're going to say. All right, listen. Listen, okay.

I didn't tell anybody. I didn't tell anybody at the last minute. I was going to hang out with my friend and my friend in the city and get pizza. So we walk out of the building together. I walk outside, they meet him, and I see all of a sudden I see you and, you and Crinkle standing outside.

Is it you and Crinkles standing outside? Maybe me at Lewis. And it's like, you just see me walking down the street with this other mysterious dude. Yeah. I'm like, oh boy, this looks a little. I can't lie, we made a couple of gay jokes of jokes. Of course you did.

And I don't blame you, because it looked very mysterious. Mysterious. And I'm like, oh boy, this doesn't look at it because I see all of a sudden I make this surprised face because I see you guys like I was like I'm almost caught being guilty about something. I'm like, oh fuck, this looks gay as shit. I don't know why, but I just had this feeling that they think we're being we're being gay or something. And I'm like, that's not what happens. You were just walking up with the thing. We were not holding hands. You were not holding hands. Did you get sages with a pizza, Jeff? Oh! Oh! We were just fucking getting a piece of pizza. Reminis. Reminis. Reminiscing about college and coming back. Did you have your hands-in- I honestly asked No sir I honestly wanted to know if you found

Like a good pizza joint Like you know it's interesting about City pizza This glory hole in there This place I went to was so This place This pizza place had good pizza But it was so run down

It was almost shocking Like a lot of those mom and pop Pizza places are Yeah It looked like it was like a bombed out Like war shelter Like it was so run down and dirty inside I couldn't even believe it

But everybody inside Was just like This is normal This is like a city pizza joint That city pizza, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Stop in and have a slice. I think it was called like Pete's Pizza. Oh, Pete's Pizza!

But the guy was nice enough and he gave us our pizza and the pizza was fine. Was the sauce tangy and delicious? Tasted freshly prepared on-premise? Tasted like every other pizza out there. Oh, bread sauce cheese. Done, okay. No, go get the pizza there. Get the pizza here.

What about you talking about? A really low-quality napkin, which is popular in these places. And the grease goes right through. It's wonderful. And I came back and everybody, almost everybody was gone. But guys came into the city, gave them their toy. You gave them your toy to get in. Shut up.

And you guys bailed in like an hour. I have to say, it was all Corey's fault. Corey was the orchestra. He was not happy. He does not like to go to a party. He's like, yeah, I love to go to a party. He gets there 20 minutes later. He hates his life.

I'm not going to Corey, but there is an exact formula to Corey going to parties. He's like, he's soaked. He's like, yeah, let's go to a party. He gets there, drinks a fuckload with a two and a half. half an hour, he sits down. Within one hour, he wants to leave, and within two hours, we definitely have within one hour and a half. Because he waits her up for like half an hour and he's like, let's

go. That is, every time he does that. He gets sick, but he's quick. Yeah. Alcohol. He just wants to drink. Yeah, he was... He doesn't. He's like, well, he's going to be alcohol there, right? And I'm like, probably. He's like, well, I'm going to... He was really fucking drunk a couple days ago, right? Of vodka, you were saying... Yeah. He was making up words.

He does that sober. Yes. He had syllables. The premises. When he gets drinks too much. It's a lot. It's... I'm sure it's not unique to drunk people, but not calling him a drunk. No, no, no, Corey's not... I'm just saying he was working really hard on this project we're working on, and he just, he just had to get hammered one night and just continue working, and he was totally out of it, but he was still animating fine.

It's just, mentally, it was not there. But if you know what he adds S's towards, don't have S's... Yeah. Wawas. What else does he do it, Poy? He does it all the time. There's a bunch of words in a... I was in one of one. I wonder if people even know who the fuck we're talking about. You know, we get in this time, Corey, this and Corey that. Corey Spaz Kid from the podcast.

I know, but you'd have to know that ahead of time because we just start casually talking about Corey. Yeah. If you never heard the podcast, you'd be like, who's that? Yeah. Corey from the podcast. It's a lovable friend Spaz Kid who loves Chris Chan and hot memes. Fresh off the press.

Yeah, harsh off the press. Speaking of getting really drunk, Jeff, what's the druggest you've ever been? It's probably at this one of the Newgrounds parties where I, uh, some guy, So another game developer was I don't know I think he just flashed a camera in my face And I threatened to kick his teeth in I was really mad

And yeah I was standing there You were like dude If you point that camera I'm gonna kick you in the mouth And he was sitting like Indian style On the ground And you were standing up looking down at him

Was I? Yeah And then everyone in that little circle Just shut up Because I don't know what it was I'm serious It was so obnoxious Because it like blinded me

one eye and I'm just like, what the fuck you're doing? He kept snapping pictures of you with the flash on at nighttime. Yeah. Well, he was going on to take a picture to everyone. But it was just so... I remember who it was, but I'm not going to say. Yeah. No, he didn't even ask. He just stuck the camera and I think he's in the flash went off. My eyes were all adjusted to the dark and now I can't see

shit. It was harmless, but I sort of felt bad about it, but uh, that's probably not the drunkest I've ever been, but that's what the drunk of us? That's the situation where the alcohol probably most affected my behavior. Last year, last Magfest, which is a convention if you don't know about it.

Yeah. You might be going this year, maybe. Oh, yeah. Should I, should I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk about what I did there. Yeah, I was in a room with Jeff. Jeff, Jeff, you know, Jeff, sometimes people say he's bitter.

You know, he's not better. He's a funny, he's a funny guy, you know? But sometimes when he gets drunk, he does get a little bit, uh, people take a little more seriously than they probably should. Explain yourself, Jeff. Listen. Explain yourself. What you do this poor man?

Uh, I can just say it was. I didn't think I heard this story. It was left-handed socks. Yeah, this is a guy called Noah. Oh, and I went up to him and I was, you know, look, I thought I was being funny. And apparently, I was the only one. I thought it was funny. I always laughing, dude, I was next to both of you guys.

I said, listen, I started talking to him. I'm like, listen, man, you look like a lumberjack. And he's like, yeah, you know, he's like, you're right. People have set up in lumberjack. And I'm like, yeah, you just look like some asshole in the woods that just chops down trees all day. That's what you look like. And I'm laughing to myself. and he's just like,

ha ha. He's getting a couple, but he's trying to keep the situation like calm and like make sure, you know. And it's like a borderline bully thing to do. I was bullying him.

I was polite. I was polite. He's trying to be polite. There's a fine line between taking stabs of people and bullying someone. And I said, and I,

and he just kept taking it and I said, you know. It's like, I'm just thinking right now. I'm just like, if I had an axe, I just can't decide

if I want to chop your head off like, horizontally. Like through like your upper lower jaw or vertically cut your head in half by the way as he says that he's like making a swiping motion Like an inch away from his face with his hand I'm like I was fucking die laughing like it was so comfortable He's like he's like wait see oh wait gonna cut me off cut my head off at the neck? I'm like no no like right Like between your upper and lower teeth Yeah right in the middle kind of like comedically or you know like or like cut you down the center

I can't really decide and I'm laughing and nobody else is laughing. It was uncomfortable. And then Mr. Hangover. I thought it was funny. That's all that matters. It is pretty funny, though. Now, what about you?

I apologized. I apologize. Stop. You got a MacFest one, too, Zach. Oh, baby boy? I do. It was the year before that last one, which was MacFest,

because it happens in January. So the one, the Jeff was that was Macfest 2014. But the one I was at was 2013 the year before that. And listen, I like to drink sometimes. And I had whiskey. I've never seen you that drunk, but continue. I was, well, you coming to the story

too a little bit. Okay. And I think you're what I'm talking about. I'm not sure. You'll get flashbacks here and you'll get fucking PTSD from this, but basically, Stamper was with some black chick, and those two would show you bed, it was me and Chris show your bed. And you know, when you get drunk, you stop tasting the alcohol

so you get more drunk. Yeah. Especially with like whiskey or like vodka, you know, like your taste was, you fucking die. Yeah, I probably don't drink more. So they ordered, I don't know why whiskey was in the room I think Mick, Rice Pirate, ordered Whiskey to the room. And I started having it. I ordered... Dude, you cleared like half a bottle of Woodford Reserve

by yourself. No ice. I ordered Coke to the room, and I was like, fuck it. I was like, I was like slay that. I was like, damn. I don't, my taste buds are gone. I wouldn't keep doing this, I'm going to get drunk. And by the way, this was the night before we were supposed to do a panel. Yeah. So... We had a panel plan. Yeah. We were celebrating pre-celebrating the panel we were going to do in the morning.

So I'm drinking this stuff. I stop, I lose my taste buds, and I'm getting more and more. and with vodka or like heavy liquors it's also like just it all hits you at once like it keeps coming at you it takes like 20 to 30 minutes to really hit you so it's kind of like a delay it's like a debt you know he's up drinking this stuff and I didn't black out but after a while I was like laying in the bed of my fucking head was spinning

and I was stamper was in the bed with that black chick and I was like making noises I think they were fooling around I can't make a barn noises I was like I was laughing to myself and she was like stop it make him stop and then she was like if you keep doing that we're going to stop it we heard like her going oh i was like and he's like that's it i'm done

anyways thanks zach i couldn't i couldn't get to sleep so it said you stood laughing like a little boy by this point i stopped drinking all the fucking whiskey hit me you know it was like half a bottle of this whiskey and i couldn't sleep but i got up and i was like

oh my god and i was so drunk that i'm pretty sure it's like you say it's like you say it's like you say it just started talking to myself oh my god and i like grab phone with my laptop in the bag I had like the tunnel vision. And I went in the bathroom and I took a big shit.

And I probably sat there like with my head wobbling back to the point slowly at the wall for my 10 days, but I don't realize anything. And I got my laptop. And I was like, what do I do? And I got on Skype and I was like an inch away from the laptop spring trying to see who was on Skype. And Jeff was on Skype.

And he didn't go to the bad fest that year. And I called Jeff and I was like, hey Jeff. Do you remember this? It's coming back to me. Yes. I was super drunk and I was like there was a big like rotty shit below my body in the toilet.

Oh, yeah. You know where I'm. right now? I'm like where? I'm on the toilet. Yes, I kept saying, I, that's the only thing I remember. I was like, Jeff, I got a big shit, my balls were hanging down above the shit. And I kept, I was so hooked on that for some reason. Isn't that weird? Technology amazing. I don't, I kept on what you do. I'm going, yeah, yeah, you probably fucking with me. What would you even, what, what do you recall from that?

That's all I remember. I don't know why I called you, but you were working. That was like, what are you doing, Jeff? Yeah, I was like, what are you doing, Jeff? Guess what I'm doing. Ah, I'm thinking of shit. Yeah. So anyways, I like, I like, I like. I was like, I was like, I was probably talking to smokers for like 30 minutes, I was probably saying

the same thing over and over. And I was like, I see you later. I slammed the laptop and I was like, man, this floor sure is cold. And I laid it on the floor and I went, I fucking puked. And I was like, I pukes nasty but this floor is still cold. I'm going to bed. And the next thing I remember it is like

two hours later, Corey opening the door of the bathroom and he hitting my fucking head. And I was like, I remember Corey looking down at me and I was like, uh, and he was like, and he was like, you're going to do the panel? And I was like, no, and I closed the door And I cleaned with the body

He wasn't even concerned that you were dying on the floor He was covered in my own vomit You want to go do the panel? Yeah, anyways, it was like my jacket was ruined I crawled back into the bed And I laid on my back and fucking passed out And Stippre, do you want to tell from your perspective The way it goes from there?

Yeah, we went down downstairs to Or we were all getting organized To go to the panel And we were trying to wake you up the whole time We were screaming in your face And shaking you and slapping you And trying to wake you up And you were completely out

Yeah. And we were like, fuck him. We'll just go do the panel without him. And we went downstairs and we did the panel. And his room was filling up with people. I remember thinking, man, Jack had a lot to drink. And he wasn't responding to any of that physical violence.

I think he might be dead. And then the panel started. And we were like, hey, guys, how's it going? Didn't even think about you anymore. And you got pissed like the asshole you are. No, no. Here's what happened, dude. I was drunk for like 24 hours after I had that major alcohol.

Thanks for doing the panel without me. Yeah, so I woke up and I was like so. drunk and I was like, I smell like shit and I was like, oh, they fucking did the panel and I text to Crystal and I was like, fuck you! Because I was looking forward to the panel. And then Nick Rice part brought me up fresh bottles of water and I took a shower and I kind of got cleaned up. He's a great guy.

Dude, there was vomit everywhere, man. You had like five bags of vomiting clothes with. It was nasty. I had a good jacket that I ruined. But anyways, I got sober by you tonight, but it was like 7 p.m. And even at 7 p.m., we were out eating dinner. And every like five minutes, like, excuse me. And I fucking peaked in the bathroom.

back out. Yeah. It was horrible. That was the last toy of whiskey. That's a hangover, man. Yeah, man. You want to, you puked, passed out, had no water, got back into bed, still had no water. You're paying for that shit. You, you play, you pay, right? I did a very bad thing with that.

Should we talk about mixed, drunken escapades in backfest? Which one? For those that I were Mick, Mick, the creepy molester guy who talks at the beginning of the podcast. Not stand for the other one. There is a world That guy He's butt

Sorry, man Here is a weird No, Mick is a very nice guy He's one of our good friends Mick Rice pirate Wonderful gentleman Hardworking, talented fellow Even though he's Asian

He's still like him Let you know like As Mac Luci Kay is Mexican And you can't tell Just like Mick is Asian And you can't tell They both make white guys

Is Mick like half Asian? Yeah He's got features But he's not Asian I'd never be able to tell Yeah but he's like tall And he's like in like Japan I think

They like worship half Asian people and half Western people. They think they're like magical hybrids. Honestly, they do. All the movie stars are like Mix. They all like kind of look like that too. Anyways, go to it. Nick's crazy. I wasn't gone complimenting Mick.

He looks great. Fuck Mick. He's very handsome. In jeans, he looks great. He's very handsome. His face is all right. He's just like a butter face. You know, if his butt looking more like his face and his face look more like his

butt. Oh! Anyway, I'm just kidding He's a very handsome fella Anyway, so he always could have I always knew I was assumed he was a pretty level-headed guy And this is one thing that occurred at Magfess

That I really was not expecting But and I missed the whole thing I basically came into the story After it all happened But apparently I don't know he challenged I'm not sure who challenged too But him and one of Chris's Irish friends

Was it Maddie? No, it was Patty Patty Patty Patty They decided to go outside while it was freezing cold and snowing out and have a bare knuckle boxing rip their shirts off and have a bare

knuckle fight in the snow outside like they were really they were not like friendly they're not having like these friendly little jabs they were really going to fight but otherwise they don't hate each other it was just like hey let's get all the sexual tension out it's like this shit and like gangs in New York

they're out in the snow like doing their like 1930s boxing style and uh yeah they were clipping each other in the face hard and laughing every time I was like what is this psycho shit. It was the one time I was so pissed off at my phone. You know like those times where the one and only time you need your fucking phone to work? It doesn't work. Yeah.

It's not fucking working. I'm sitting there with all the capability to fucking film this thing because it's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. And of course, all I have is Kodak memories in my mind. Hey, at least you weren't making your memories behind the veil of a screen and at least they're in your brain. Listen, Linus, if you don't shut the fuck off.

So, if you want to recall, if you want to recall, what I don't, but basically I heard Mick fucked up his hand and then he body slammed Patty. I heard he lifted him up and threw him. Yeah, he picked up Patty like a bag of trash and threw him in... Patty's a little

guy, like, but he likes to think that he's like this huge big tank, but he's like... He is a tank. He's a little scrapper, dude. The thing is he's like, he's like five foot eight and he's muscular and like, he's pretty muscular, like he's fit looking, but like... Mick is like six foot three and just fucking beefing. There's

no way Patty would ever... Mick doesn't have a sick. pack, but he's fucking belt, you could run ahead versus to Mick and break your skull. Mick has dad buddy, or man buddy. Man body. Oh, yeah, Freudian slip right there. I honestly couldn't tell who was going to win that. It could have gone either way.

Mick's like 6-2, 6-2 and like, isn't he he's piece tall? I honestly didn't think size mattered than that at all. He weighs more. He weighs like 200 something. Oh, yeah, he weighs, like Patty would weigh 150 at most. Yeah. Yeah, but Patty probably has more, um, what's it called? Muscle, like... Not muscle, uh, endurance.

Yeah. He's like a little Tasmanian devil. Oh, yeah. Spock you do. But Nick just drinks a lot and records voices. In Street Fighter terms, it was like Phelong versus Zengi for something. How about that? Yeah, there you go. So, yeah, I don't know.

They pretty much beat the shit out of each other and then kind of came back inside. Got a drink. And I missed all of it. They didn't even want to build up an audience. They just went outside alone, like psychos and fought and came back inside. Yeah, Mick was like, how bad is my eye? I can't bend my finger. And I didn't be paddy for the rest of the night.

His finger was fucked up for like six months, dude. I think it's, is it still fucked up? I think so. In a self-splint, it was just straightforward. He couldn't bend it and it, and it was all swollen and purple and weird. Yeah, that was that. Welcome to Magfest. The happiest place on Earth.

Speaking of the happiest place on Earth, I went to Disney World about it. A while ago, no, I can't do it like that, can I? Yeah, you can. Those are good segue. That was a really good segue. The holidays are a time for, you know, couples and love and all sorts of fun things. Reflections on your past mistakes. I'll decide to go to Disney World at the love of his life.

Continue, Nile. Well, I don't know. The wounds are still fresh, man. Okay, I'll... I'll say, and she tastes great. Goddack. You guys are fucking assholes. I don't know if I should...

Well, okay. Well... Nile, we love you. About a year ago. Would you stab me back sometimes? I'm never going to say anything to you, ever again. About a year ago, me and my girlfriend decided that we'll go to Disney World next year, providing that we're still together.

Like, we were just being realistic, so we were saying that we were going to Disney World together. And then, like, yeah, throughout all the year was great and stuff. Then the fucking day before we went to Disney World, we broke up. And I still went to Disney World with her and her parents. I still don't understand why you did that. Because, like, okay, it was the night we broke up. We were going to Disney World at, I had to get up at 3 a.m. We broke up at, like, 11 p.m.

Who broke up with who? You broke up to her? We actually broke up. It's nasty. You made me sick. We actually broke up with. with each other. It was a mutual thing. But then...

You guys punch your shoe in the face at the exact same time? No, no, it was a mutual thing. But then I kind of asked for her back and she said... She said, yeah. And then 20 minutes later got dumped again. But anyway, so she got the upper hand there. But like, no, we're still... Okay, we're still like best friend. Like, honestly, she's still great.

But anyway... Oh, she even like the mutual thing, so she's like, yeah, I'll take you back. Motherfuck... BAM! No, no, no. Honestly, she's still like... She's still awesome. But anyway, we went to... You said a pussy's twisted, though. Mm-hmm. No, I said it was...

And you said it was a match made in heaven because your dick is curly like a pigtail and you just screw it in. It was in perfectly. But, yeah, so anyway, we went to Disney World. And, like, I was, like, you know, after breakup, like, I was so fucking sad. Like, I literally must have been

the only man in the world to cry on the magical express to Disney World to the fucking... Sorry, I just, I'm just curious. I just like to ask you a little bit more about how this went down, where you two said, all right,

I will, you know, I don't love you, I don't love you. And then you said, okay, let's get back together. Well,

we still have this trip to go to. Do you want to, speaking of Mick, what actually, I got really drunk that night and I was watching Mixed Dark Souls play through on Twitch

that night, and I was just kind of drinking while I was watching it and I was doing other stuff too. And when she came home, and when she came home, I was like, I was pretty fucking hammered

and then I was like, fine, let's just break up. So I was kind of drunk at the time too. And like, oh, So, like, it made it kind of worse.

Oh, and then you got back together, and then you were like, can I have your bag, baby? She was like, yeah, and she was like, wait, that's a milk vodka on your breath. Hey, Mike, I don't. Do you think this trip was actually preventing you guys from breaking up? Because you're like, oh, well, we can't break up because we're going to Disney World. No, no, because we just sort of happened. No, because we still, we got on so fucking, we still get on really well. Like, it wasn't, like, we didn't fight.

It wasn't a fight breakup at all. It was just that kind of decision. You should have shrugged at each other. What? No, it was a decision. If Nile, I don't really like your dick anymore. No, we just work better as... Fuck you, Jeff.

We work better as friends, and I know we do. She's just like... And you're just like, look, your tits bore me, so... Your tits are smaller than the other one, anyways. Fuck you. Oh, do you know that? Oh, but... No, but I'm just saying.

No, but we... You said... You said one day puts the size of like a frisbee, then it was the size of a P. I was so fucking sad, and I think I got to... I think I'll post the pictures, if anyone cares on Sleepy Cabin of me and Disney World. No, of me and Disney World.

of me and Disney World on my own because we got like we got free everything in Disney World and so I have like a shit ton of pictures of me with goofy looking like a fucking depressed you should see it Oh you're really hamming it up good for the cameras on

Me no me sit me standing No cause I didn't want her to see it And then me standing in front of the magical tower Like with a fucking pout on my fate Like the whole time and I was trying Like the last thing I wanted was to ruin the trip For her and her family and be sad the whole time But like I could not help it

Like I couldn't eat And we had a free meal plan We could go to two restaurants a day and eat three meals at each restaurant a day and have two snacks at any any stand a day and I couldn't eat a thing and I was just like trying to act like really happy I was like like the only thing that made me happy was a happy sound yeah I was like no that was a trying to be happy sound and then the only thing that would make me happy is with like the duration like the 20 seconds or whatever I'm on a roller coaster I just go back to normal and then the second it's

over it's just like pow this happened this was like a week straight for all of Disney World and like I just it was just a beautiful irony I thought Do her family, did you, do you two tell her family you were broken up? Yeah, they knew. Well, they do. They told me it was going to be awkward. And what, did, is there, was there ever a point where you're just like, maybe I shouldn't go? No, yeah, dude, maybe two days in.

No, because it hasn't hit me, it didn't hit me straight away. It didn't right away, you're just like, maybe I shouldn't go. No, it didn't hit me straight away. I was like, oh, we're still friends because, like, you know, it was a mutual decision. So I was like, yeah, it's going to be fun. But then, boom. It's like, it's like once I woke up or whatever, I don't. I don't know. I had to go off on my own all the time because I couldn't like, I was being awkward. I couldn't help it.

So I was just like walking around. You said you took one picture with your girlfriend or your ex-girlfriend. You said, Mickey, your goofy son was goofy grabbed her ass. It said, do something, pussy. I don't know something. Do some pussy. Hit me, hit me, a little cowl bitch. So.

That's my goofy voice. So it just gradually got worse over the week. It just, yeah, I kept getting worse and worse and I couldn't like sleep or anything. So I was like, he tired and fucking like miserable. But like I still had fun Not even mixing mouse could cheer you up Well like I was trying I was trying very really hard and

But I don't want her to make her sound like a dick Because like she was probably right like we as I said we're better as friends This story is not that great Now I'm thinking about it It's interesting keep on But anyway you know as I said we do work to get like she was right This my friend is relatable Like she was right but like the whole time

I don't know if anyone knows like if anyone can relate to like Not being it like you just don't want to eat anything and you can't sleep it was at such a situation like that was it such a bad extent was it just being alone you just felt sad for being alone or just not having her not having her

that's the only reason it was just not having her you get the thing the other guys did you go to a window and put a box over your head did you start imagining other dudes yeah still do yeah stop I still do man come on with her naked

butt dude you're making her right yeah you're putting a scalpel to the scar right now, man. Were you ever for a second? You're just like, I'm kind of tired of this. No, like, I logically know

it was for the best, but it still doesn't like, my body doesn't relate, like, doesn't care. It's just like, ow. You just have a broken heart. Well, I guess. It was, it was bad. It was bad. It was my worst breakup like ever, sadness-wise.

Sing to it right now. It's the heat of the moment. Paeasia right now. It was the heat of the moment. So we can, segue to you now you're on Tinder well okay no you're making me sound like a fucking dick

here because that's not how it is right look okay listen I has never I've never had a smartphone in my entire life and I got one the other day with the hell like Stamper brought me we got one and I was like I'm gonna try out all these new apps that I've never got so I got

Snapchat which is fun that's actually very fun I like that one I got all the Twitters and all that shit But then I got this one called Tinder. And that's when you, that's like this, I guess it's dating, but like I positively 100% only got it to see what kind of people. Because the kind of people around here aren't the kind of people you date. No, no, no, no, no, not even that. I wanted to see ugly, I wanted to see like the really funny people.

So wait, so not the type you date. What type are they? I wanted to, I wanted to see the type that are, that I wouldn't date. Yeah. That, you know, the fucking ugly fatties. Oh. I'm just kidding. That was a joke.

That was a joke. cruel. That women you can use and throw away. Is that right? There's a lot of leave me saying that. Yeah, there's one talking right now. Yeah, well motherfucker. That clip so you can't use it. That was good though. Oh man.

All right. So you're trolling for No, it's okay. Look, I wasn't scouring for Pussy if that's what it looks at. No, you walked in you walked in the house and said, D-Doo-D-Doo, pussy patrol. Your mouth was watering, your dick was watering. No. So I got Tinder. Now I had a big fronty dick. Look. I was like the Zach.

always like the Zach, like, what do you call it? The, uh, not Zach alarm. I was like, do do, do, do. Let's see a Lord. What happened was, uh, so I got, I got the app Tinder, and I was going through them. And I was just like, I just, I just like, I'm a, I, I, I just, I'm a, I, I, I just, I, I, I, I, I just, I, I, I, I, it's so, it's so damn fucking shallow.

Every single, that. Every single female is great. I know, but I can, no, it's not. It's because I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when you throw them in the garden. You throw them in the garden. No, they'll never find out. I still feel bad, because it's literally the most shallow thing you can possibly do. Every girl color gets thrown in the garbage. Why is that? No, that was a joke. No, no, no, no, hold on. I walked over your shoulder yesterday.

White, white, white, white, white, white, right, right, right, right, right. You stopped to the black girl for two seconds. You renamed the trash can, the black girl. He did. He stopped to the black girl. He was hot. He made it, he would, oh, he made a sound of, flat, bleph blue. He didn't, he didn't know I was watching him. You've gone through 20 girls in the last minute on here. Yeah, this is we're talking. Yeah, because you see, the thing is... Who do you think you? The thing is, but I figured out, if you like every...

Like, all right, so the type of girls on Tinder, it's crazy because there's only, like, one type of girl on Tinder, and then, like, maybe every 100 you get, like, some normal one, you'd be like, oh, thank God. But Nile, you're not even looking at their personality. You're not even looking at their interests. Dude, Tinder is not about that, dude. Tinder's all about fucking first impression.

I'm so sorry to all the audience we have... You know what right? You know what right? Yeah, exactly. No. And right now, some cutie right now is scrolling right past your picture, throwing your dumb ass. Dude, I know that. Do you think I don't know that?

I know that, right? There's a haughty. There's a haughty with the body listening right now going, I wanted to fuck now, but I'm going to Stamper. She puked in her mouth a little bit. Nile, ugh. But no, the thing about it is, when you accept everybody, then you get matched with, like, a lot of people.

So I got a shit ton of matches here. Girls on Twitter like Stamper. I know that much. Yeah. Stamper. Stamper is the big dog on Twitter. Except the one she called you fuck boy. Since when I always see these girls tweeting you.

Yeah, pushing her tithes together. They always do. Oh, well that's what they like. They like that because you're not getting... Not paying attention? No, they like that. No, they like that because they're like, he's too good for me.

Maybe I should... You just gave your gayboy, dude. Probably. So... But like, out of all this whole experience, I learned something, you know? Life is full of twists and turns, much like a roller coaster at Disney World. You have to appreciate what you have.

You know, the simple things. Yeah. And you don't obsess over things you lost, you have to move on. And that's what Christmas is about. Not presents, not the food, not the vacations, but things as simple as spending time with family and friends. Friends like you guys. Shut up, fagggot!

And Merry Christmas, everyone! Merry Christmas, everyone.