SleepyCabin - SleepyCast 19 - [Voicemails with Jesus]

Episode Date: March 13, 2015

Welp...it's a podcast. Most certainly! Links from Zach on JFK stuff, etc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uayVALahU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eknDNhDCSo8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jl3jIiMNSQE http://www.history.com/news/what-if-the-moon-landing-had-failed This episode starring: Stamper (www.youtube.com/StamperTV) Psychicpebbles (www.youtube.com/Psychicpebbles) Ricepirate (www.youtube.com/ricepiratenewgrounds) JohnnyUtah (http://johnnyutah.newgrounds.com) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Yo, we're on Patreon if you wanna throw us a buck! http://www.patreon.com/SleepyCabin A SUPER SPECIAL THANKS to some of our generous supporters: Paul Raymond, John Erlinger, Creeps McPasta, John Toomey, k0xfilter, skooks, Sonny Canchola, Dim, Hayward Cole, Denis DeLong, Jace Baker, Duncan Neilson, Jacob Miller, Shane Danells, Ryan Pagonis, Trevor Wood, Brian Adam +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ SleepyCabin Official Site! http://www.sleepycabin.com SleepyCabin on YouTube! http://www.youtube.com/SleepyCabin Stay tuned on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/SleepyCabin ...or Twitter! https://twitter.com/sleepycabin +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ We're on iTunes, too! Search for SleepyCabin!

A, B, C, D, EFG, H-A-K-L-A-B, Q-R-S-T-U-B, W-S-O-Y, Zach. I want to know on a scale of 1 to 10 how white that sounded. There is a world as tangible as our own, impossible to see yet unavoidable to sense. A world enveloped by a seemingly unending ocean of forests. Buried deep in that forest, tucked away neatly within a blanket of twilight, lies a quaint little cabin. And in that cabin, it's a bunch of guys, he's a bunch bullshitter. Welcome to Sleepycast episode.

I'm joined by my good friends and colleagues, Johnny Utah. Hey, I'm eating. The sexy Will Stamper. Hey! And the brilliant young genius Zachary. I only have one week to live. This is a week of wish foundation. Speaking of one week to live,

I have a question I wanted to start off with. If there was a major solar flare and all technology, now besides all the chaos around us and probably wars and religious cults, all mass suiciding and stuff, let's just say that computers didn't exist anymore. There was no more technology.

What would you guys do? Let me interrupt you there for a second, Mick. Define solar flare for some of our less intelligent users. Solar flare is when the sun... I'm talking about me! Farts really hard and blast radiation. Look, Stamper, here's what it's like, right?

Here's what it's like, all right? Listen, you lay in a bed with the cat, you've had too much beer and you fight, the cat runs away. All right, the cat in this situation is computers, it runs away with you, the sun is your ass, okay? The flare, you understand? The flare, sorry, your ass is the son and the fart is the flare. Okay, Mick, go on?

That's a good, you can't. You can't say it better than that, can't even? I can't. It's an electromagnetic... Yeah. So the radiation from the sun sends out an electromagnetic pulse that then it like short-circuits everything. It basically fries everything. Not to clarify.

Are you talking about... Is that even possible? Yes. Yeah. It almost happened a couple years ago. There was a threat. To get everything all around the planet. Our ozone is one blast.

Right. So our ozone is supposed to protect us from that. It's supposed to protect us from like electromagnetic radiation. It does. That's why I was invented so it could protect our computers and all of our images on Facebook. Albert Einstein created the ozone layer to protect us from future... In 1985. Right.

But, Jeff, what were you going to say? There was a couple of holes in his theory. You know what I'm saying? The sun has shot out flares that would have destroyed Earth, but we were just lucky. It wasn't aimed at us. Yeah, so the 18... So we've dodged a few bullets. It's also happened to like the 1800s.

It's just a matter of time. It's also happened to like the 1800s. I think even in the early 1900s where all it was fuck up poets for a little bit or whatever. So like... No, no, it did also happen to 1800s because I remember all their buggies just stop. Like all the horses just dropped dead. And no one can get around. That's like, let's see a war of the world of everything. He's like, nothing's walking.

He's like recording on his video. There was something I read about that saying if that flare hit back then, if we had the electronic electronics back then that we have now, it would have wiped everything out. Yeah. And the issue is, you could say, oh, well, they'd reinvented everything, whatever, or they would fix everything. But the issue is it goes to the very, it goes to the bottom, like the bottom of it. There's nothing you fix anything with. Who, okay. You know what's the question?

So the question is what would you do? Like in terms of like currently we're all animators and we do stuff on computers. Stand up comedy. Are we talking about zero power or just zero? That's why I meant like not apocalypse, just really the solar flare was a red hair. Let's say it like this. Animation dries up. Nobody wants to see 2D films anymore.

There's no more television. There's no more websites. There's no more tech, you know, design type of stuff. That'd be great. Stand up comedy. All the kids want to see 3DG, Jee, Mutraud movies instead of, The classic Judy Jeff cookies.

So we've got one. We got stand-up comedy. Because I can still entertain. Oh. I'm just going to go full Mad Max. I'm just going to wear spike shoulder pads. It's just like right now, Jeff.

Yeah, no, but it's just like right now. I'll be the funny guy in your crew where I'm like, yeah. You have like the fogged up goggles and you're like, you got the skull painted on your face. You're the guy hanging out the window with like the acts. And they got dudes hanging upside down with chains and I'm just like,

yeah. What would make you serious? What would be the thing that would happen? We'd be like, listen, listen, Jeff. Like, you drop the act for one minute Jeff knows you're not playing around. This is real.

What would be the thing he would have to do that he would do? We need to get, um... Pussy. We need to get some pussy. We need some pussy. Listen, Jeff. We need some pussy.

We need some pussy. I'd be an entrepreneur. I would start an official thunder dome in town. I would run it. You'd be the ringmaster? I would be culling the overpopulation of the area

and providing entertainment. Entertainment. Jeff, what if everybody didn't like you, and they all overpowered you, and they hated your idea? Who's going to hate that idea? Since the beginning of time, people have loved watching people fucking slug it out.

We've had the gladiators, the Russians that have big guys like Zangeef fighting bears. People love to watch people fucking... Honestly, I think... Even in the movie, the Thunderdome could be improved. It could combine the Thunderdome and the Coliseum,

right? We could have a Thunderdome, but we could still flight with water. We could have naval battles in the Thunderdome. Stanford could be the stand-up comedy, at the beginning of the show, like the clowns. We could put a floating platform out in the middle. He could entertain the crowd. I'll be the guy who walks out of all fours with like a food trainer's back.

Walks around the scurries where people grab like cheese up my back and cheese. Anyone who wants a peanut? Because that gets scurry on top of the canings like I scurry at the aisles. People go, oh God, what is they think? Oh, it's a game. You don't offer it. If they see you, then they get the peanuts. You'll even go around. You go over the

Thunderdum, you climb over it. Yeah. On all fours. Yeah. You'd be like in Harry Potter, that little golden ball, whatever it is. The golden snitch or something. Yeah, the snitch. Yeah, you'd be like the little snitch prize. Everybody's chasing you around at the top of the Thunderdome. If somebody gets the figure up my ass to get all the food atop me.

I always wanted to dub that scene. They get a peanut. I always wanted to dub that scene and have that ball fly around like, I'm going to tell on you. I'm going to tell on you. I initially was going to do a cartoon where he catches, because you know he catches it in his mouth and then he coughs it up. But I want him to catch it, get up. And they're all like, woo! And then it just like shoots out the top of his head and he fucking dies.

the end. Harry Potter over. That's a really dark cartoon. Yeah. Hey, off the back of the question you asked earlier, what percentage of the population do you think would kill themselves if Facebook and Twitter cease to exist this second? Hold on. Like, honestly, I'd say maybe like 4%.

No, no, no, no, no, no. But let's rephrase it. It's still shocking, though. Refraise it, though. Rephrase it. Nothing comes in its place because the second, like, if Facebook was pulled today, a copy would come up immediately that everybody would you.

Oh, nothing to come back up. Okay, okay, so I'd say, yeah, I think it would take time. I would say within six months to a year, I would say a lot of people would kill them. I think he'd be happier, actually. If nobody was allowed to kill themselves immediately, I think people would be like, oh, there's people here. They all...

If nobody was allowed to kill themselves? Like, yeah, you put the good... Like, hey, stop, no. You can't do that. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're going to be in trouble. I was thinking about that earlier, and it's just like, man, if this all cease to exist,

because I use it for whatever promotional purposes, making stupid fucking jokes, some people really read into it to a serious degree. Can I recommend that everybody listening? delete their Facebook. I did it about two years ago. It is so good. I mean, obviously, if you're like us and you need like a Facebook page to manage your fan page

and promote your shirts or whatever the fuck, make a little account with no friends or whatever, no profile picture. But I deleted it. And dude, it is honestly, it's one less thing. It's like, you wake up, you're like, what do you? Email, Twitter, YouTube, Facebook. Well, the thing about Facebook, Facebook posts are so

long that, like, I can't, anytime I go to the see the feed, like, I can't see it all. All that happened. All that happened when I had Facebook was, everyone's like, well, if I deleted it, how am I going to be in touch with my high school friends I never talked to? It's like, you... You weren't talking to them to begin with it.

All I did on Facebook was getting irritated at my stupid family, my stupid high school friends who'd be like, my cousin, I would send people Snopes articles every day, which is like website that the bug stuff. So somebody posted an article that would be like, Obama's going to put a nail through everyone's face that sends signals to hell that makes you the devil. I'm like, oh, no.

People would post things like that every day. They post like a fake bill cause. You learn a lot about people when you see the shit that they fucking... You can't tell everyone to cut off their Facebooks because everybody uses them differently. It's like having a car. I'm saying this. If you don't require it, cut it off. Do it for a week. Do it for a week. Okay, do this. Don't log on to Facebook for a week if you can. See how good you feel. Some people use it for business. Just like some people use their car for work. Some people use their car to pick up their kids.

Some people use their car because they're a fucking douchebag that likes to show their fucking car off. I'm saying this. If you use it like... I have a business Facebook, but I don't have anybody added on it. I still have Facebook, but I don't have to log on because there's nothing you see there. Don't use Facebook for like a week. That's all I'm saying. All right, Jeff, tell us why. What?

I was just saying it was making me, it was making me, the one month I had it years ago, it was making me hate the people I knew in real life. That's what I mean. Stuff they had post. It was so hateable. Yeah. I just had to delete it. I said, I can't deal with this anymore.

Plus, you know, I was always getting friend requests from people. I didn't know it all. And I'm like, these people I don't want to share personal information with that I don't... Yeah. So just getting awkward. Yeah. No, that's what I did too. It is interesting how it's also watered down the word friend.

Like, you know, I was talking to Greg. Greg is a very fine gentleman who works at our house and fixes things. He's very talented and capable man. Is that you really think? I do. He's fucking brilliant. He's brilliant. He's brilliant.

You guys walked in here and you guys are like, fucking Greg. I would suck a dix get pubes all over this. Hey, no. You said he, Greg, always cuts his pews over the sink. Yeah, but I asked him to, so it makes sense. Yeah, and he said he didn't clear it up. Yeah. But anyways, we were talking about just friends in general, and he's like, I don't get it.

I don't, you know, you guys talk about friends, but he's like, I've seen all these people who call themselves friends. They don't even talk to each other. You know, they're sitting there on their phones, and then they won't even talk to each other for weeks or whatever. He's like, when I had friends, you know, if I need someone to bail me out of a gang fight, these are the people who would come, you know, to my side. I want to know how many people that you call friends that would come, you know, to your side if your life was in danger. That would be in your foxhole. Yeah, we had that foxhole conversation too. But it was funny.

I mean, it's interesting. The idea that we had we call people friends. But the truth is, for a lot of these quote-unquote friends, people couldn't give a fuck. Yeah, so do this. Flip through your cell phone right now and think about that and remove everybody who's a piece of shit. Worthless asshole. I think people are too easy, too easygoing with who they. associate with.

I feel like there needs to be an initiation. Sure. Yeah, there needs to be a test. I have to put somebody in a life and death situation and see what they do before. I'm like, all right, you're my friend. Right. You have to, yeah.

Because I, you know what? Because if you don't have that test, when you actually have a life-threatening situation, guess what? You're fucked. Because they're not going to be standing behind you. Stamp would pass, you pass. Exactly.

Save you? What's the situation? No, depending on the test. What's a test? Give me a test. If you'd run away. way or... Okay, what?

So he walks with a gun? Yeah, all right, say that. You think Stamper would jump up with a gun? Like, if someone guy walked up with a gun, you think Stamper'd be like, hold on, stop. I think Stamper would. I would. Not because... You would shit your pants and faint like a dog.

No, you know, I wouldn't even think about it. I'd just be like, oh, he's got a gun. Uh-oh. Plus, I don't give a shit if I... Yeah, I think Stamper would do it just because he doesn't give a shit. Mick would do it out of pride bravery. I know, I do it out of martyrdom. I think Zach would attempt to compromise with the guy to talk.

attempt to barter with him or something. No, I would try to out smart him. I had barter. You're like, look, take Jeff's arm. Well, that's what, like, I would be Saul good, man. It better call Saw. I'd be like, look, just break his legs. It's fine.

Don't kill him. Okay. Just get your sexual satisfaction. You'd all solve it a different way, so you're all unique in that regard. You guys already had the conversation, though, about, like, if you, if they're, at gunpoint, who would you, would you take a bullet? I don't think there's one person that I would. I think at gunpoint is a very different thing than a reactionary thing.

Okay, let's say it like this. It's reactionary. Let's say it like... That's what you really care. Yeah. Let's say it like this. Let's say a serial killer captures you and somebody else. Okay.

And he's like, I want to torture you or you, McPick. I want to torture you or Jeff to death. To death. So I'm going to die and it's going to be slow and painful. Literally, he says you're free to go. I will let you go right now. No, I mean, the person who's getting tortured, though, is going to die. But first they're going to make it really painful before they do it.

Everyone's had this scenario in their head before. Look, he's like you. You say, fuck you because you can't trust the guy. The end. Yeah, you know what I would do in that situation? I would charge the guy. And if you shot me, you shot me, he ties me, then I'm... He waxed you with a brick, he waxed you with another brick, he waxed you with a third brick,

you wake up, you're tied up with your pal. Jeff. Jeff's like, Jeff's like, okay, I'll be Jeff. This is one of those scenarios where you just keep adding variables to it, so you win. That is the setup, right? Okay, I'm Jeff. Nick, what are we going to do? What are we going to do? A pickle right now.

Do you have my back, Nick? I think all the times I called your Chinese and made your photos on Twitter black and one I didn't meet it yeah Mick I didn't mean it listen to me I'm serious I'm serious right now I think I think I should be the one

that goes free you know Mick listen I know you don't want it to happen but I need to be the one that goes free I know you're sorry I'll tell everyone you're pretty I'll tell everyone you cried a little bit You know I'm more talented than you

If I if you go at least I can live on and keep the dream alive. I can go on Twitter and Photoshop Angel wings on you. I'd be like, bro, I have more Twitter followers than you? Look at the facts. Look at all these facts. If you die, I'm going to make you, I'm going to draw you hugging the genie. Would you do that?

Would you say to me, you have more Twitter followers? No, I mean, honestly, I think... What if the torture ain't isn't that bad? It's like, I'll cut your penis off and fucking funny or something. I would look, Mick, dead in the eyeballs and do a thing that was like one, two, three, and we would

figure something out in that third second to get around the situation. But what we do is we look at each other and at the same time we'd go, pick me, pick me! And then we just keep repeating it and then he wouldn't know who to pick. It'd be like a Looney Tunes cartoon. Yeah, that's right.

Or I can't tell him apart. You make him kill himself, be like, okay, you want to kill yourself, but yeah, it confused him. Make him with the gun himself. Like, oh, kill myself. We would just annoy him so much until he killed himself.

In all seriousness, though, if there was that situation, self-preservation, I think, kicks him. But see, but that's if there's a conscious decision to be made. But also, but also I think the thing is too, if you're going to talk

about like the mind of the killers because a lot of killers do if they have both, they do do that stuff. Like the, the, uh, the call by killers. Yeah.

They did that stuff. They're like, you believe in God. Right. And people said, yes, they'd shoot them. That was so,

so it's like, you can't really trust fucking psychos like that. Right. I would have said, I would have said, yeah, in high school. Now, no,

fuck God. Yeah. You can't ask that question when you're that young? Not to be me. Well, they did. They did. My mom sent me a book called Jesus's calling

or something like that. Screwing up, dude. No, I... He's just going to be drunk again. I was like, let him go to voicemail. No, I said, yeah, I was going to say, if he wants to call me,

he's got my number. He knows how to reach me. Jeff, what did Jesus' voicemail sound like? Give us a Jesus' voicemail. If Jesus was on the voicemail. Yeah, you scream. You let it ring. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Let's do this. This is... Voice Mailbox. Message after the... This is, uh... This is Jesus. Just checking in. You know, we're just reminding you.

I'm the guy that, you know, did that thing for humanity. And, uh, you just call me back. If you'd like to re-record your message, please press what? If you're satisfied, hang up. Hold up. I got an idea. I don't know what the hell I'd say. I'd listen to about five seconds of that voicemail message.

You'd be like, hi, this is Jesus. Uh, just so I'd be, nah, delete. Yeah. Sorry, moving on. And it's like really, like, no, bro, this is really Jesus. Listen to me for saying, you're like, who the fuck is this asshole? Could you stop telling Mexicans to call, naming their kids after me? They're all built in my dad's image, after all.

Let's go to Outback sometime. All 12 of us. Wow. Offensive. This is getting offensive, fast. I like Mexicans. Don't be silly. I worked as a bus boy.

They're very hard workers. Absolutely. And you know what? They complained, for the most part. I know that, you know when you compliment a whole race, they also consider that racism. When you're like, all black dudes got a huge fucking weener. And they're like, that's racist.

It's like, no, it's a compliment. Black dudes do have huge weeners. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, right. No, black guy would ever. Yeah, absolutely. No, no black guy said that to me, but I've had plenty of white people say, that's racist.

You're making a lump assumption about an entire race. That's because they're worried about their tiny weanors. That's true, too. They're probably just embarrassed. And when you say Mexicans or your friends make. Yeah. When you say Mexicans work hard, White people get offended because I work hard too.

Yeah. See how it works? Yes. Exactly. But I was going to say that for the most part, as a bus boy and a server. Black guys do have big wieners. They do. I would know.

And then also, also, well, there's, I ended up dating a girl once. We were kind of sitting around. We were talking about that. And, you know, we were lying in bed after we had had sex. And I had mentioned, like, the thing about like, oh, yeah, you know. It's funny that stereotype about black guys, you know, I have big weeners. And she just, without hesitation, was like, oh, they do.

Yeah. And, like, at first I was like, okay, ha ha ha ha. But then I was thinking, like, how many black dicks have you seen where the lump, like, you just, yes, you know for a fact. All black dudes got huge weeners. Anyways, the Mexican guys that I worked with complained so little. Like, just, they worked so hard. They stayed later than everybody else to clean out, like, the oil, like the frying

chain shit. Well, everybody else went off to go to the local bar and fucking party or whatever. And these guys worked so. fucking hard and they never complained. Hey, what brought this up this morning? I think it was you I was talking with this morning when we were talking about that people aren't welcome here. Oh yeah, the whole idea of like, oh, because we were talking about Lewis and, oh, we were talking about taxes or something like that and like everyone's got to pay taxes. Oh no, I forgot what it was. Shit, I'm going to have to cut off. Is this like a patriotism nationalism thing? It was it was about, no, it was about immigrants and how, you know, people were complaining about having immigrants. here, but in all of America was basically built on the United

I was saying, I was like, dude, there's no such thing, I mean, there is. You were saying there was no such thing as America because essentially or as like as far as like, when you say that I'm saying there's no such thing as American because again, like I walk a block this way and they're full-blown Korean, I walk a block that way, they're all white people, I walk a block that

way, they're all black people, all Mexican people, all Spanish people, it's just this crock pot of nonsense. I feel like Americans, an umbrella term. Right, so it's like there's still Korean and they're still Chinese and there's still Mexicans, but there's an umbrella term for all of us here who are proud to have the freedoms we have

and all that kind of stuff, which is American. Is the theory that we don't want any more? Is that it? Am I missing the point? You know, but to say that somebody's not... You're polluting the white gene pool. Hey, check it out. We can do the phone call now. It's not funny this way. Jack's holding a toilet paper roll.

I'll do it. I guarantee I walk into the bathroom and there's not a fresh toilet paper roll on the hook. There's seven in there that are totally... He just clogged the entire toilet unloading that toilet paper into the toilet. Just so we could get the roll. Jeff, you want to do a... It's like the equivalent of Zach buying some cereal, so he could just like pour all the cereal down the drain

and then fucking grab the prize at the bottom of the box. I'll do it too. We can do a couple of those. Frank phone calls. Yeah, just Jesus voice bills. Hey, this is Jesus. That's cool. Right.

A new cast member has entered. God damn it, bitch. Hey. Right. Right. Right. Reach the voice mailbox of... Mick Lauer.

Please leave your message after the beep. Yep. Shit. Oh, dude, it's Jesus. H-boy Christ here. That's my rap name. I haven't put an album yet. I'm going to.

I got like six songs written three or about like healing people and stuff. I think it's going to go sweet. Anyways, uh, listen, uh, I followed you on Twitter and, uh, you didn't follow me back. Um, I, I do a lot of stuff. I do a lot of stuff. I post, like, Bible quotes with, like, funny characters. Where that character, uh... Where that character from the goodies?

I posted him, and he's, like, all... That's just one example. That's not even that good, but, like, all kinds of 80s references. I give advice. Like, kids write in. One kid wrote it and said he was black. I just didn't respond. I don't know how to solve that.

Okay, I'm with suicide. No, that's fucked up. I mean that. Okay. Okay. Okay. reached the voice mailbox of Mick Lauer.

Please leave your message after the beep. Bop! Shit. Hey, Mick. Hey, man, I told you about this thing I was doing on Facebook yesterday. Put the Gilgans Island Marathon in my place.

You're the only one who responded to it. Well, he said maybe, you're the old person who even did it. So, you know, why say maybe? What's the point? You know, I made a lot of food. He said you were to come, he didn't come.

Got a lot of food here, man. I think I could eat all of it. So it was starting to rot. And it's still out, uh, still out on my table. I guess I'll put it away now, but there's flies buzzing around. There's a lot of flies on this food. I bought a lot of food. I had a couple beers from last night.

I bought a lot of beer. Like, I probably just reheat the nachos, actually. You know what I mean? Uh, but, uh, but, uh, Uh, just see what you were doing. You said you'd come, but it's no biggie. I'm just wondering. All right.

Come me back when you can. And it's never mind. You know what? Uh, I'll come back in a couple minutes. I don't know. I can't think. It's the voice mailbox of Jesus Christ. Please leave your name and number after the beep.

Uh, hey, Jesus. Uh, listen, man. It, it's not like I don't like you. I just, I just don't like you. You know what I mean? I'm going to favor your tweet, okay? But that doesn't mean we're best friends or anything. I'm still not going to accept your Skype request,

because, honestly, I already have too many people on there, and I'm really afraid you're going to, like, hit me up while I'm working and stuff. Don't take it personally. I do it with a lot of people. I appreciate all the good advice and stuff like that, but I'm just kind of tired of all this. And, yeah, as far as the Gilgins Island Marathon, I don't even like Yolgan's Island.

I don't know why I clicked maybe. I was trying to be polite, but clearly I came across. I'm sorry. You know what? Just please don't call me again, okay, man. It's not personal. Just go away. All you have reached the voice mailbox of...

Mick Lauer. Please leave your message after the beep. Yep. Shit. You don't know who this is. I don't know who you are. I'm going to fucking break your legs and kill you. Oh, fuck the Star 69.

Right, what is about it? Oh, man. You have reached the voice mailbox of Jesus Christ. Please leave your name and number after the beep. Doot. Hey, Jesus, call our ID, you fucking dumbass. I know they didn't have it back in 0 AD, but we got it now. Just seriously, stop calling me, and I swear to God, if you do again,

I'm gonna stop being your friend on Facebook, okay? I'm gonna defriend you, and I'm gonna make it public. it public. I'm gonna take a screenshot of it and no one's gonna like you anymore. Okay, Jesus. Fuck off. We do we do okay. I can't keep publishing. Here, hold a hold up, hold up. I've reached the voice mailbox of... Mick Lauer. Please leave your message after the beep.

Shit. Oh, I've been here all day, man, watching Gilgans Island. Thank you, by the way. And I don't know what you're talking about, man. By the way, you said a lot of honesty, made a lot of accusations. My uncle's a lawyer. And he went to law school, so you probably never heard of him, but he's really famous, and he could do a lot of, um, he could do a lot of law stuff. And by the way, I know the devil, the devil, I told the devil your phone number, so you could, uh, well, I actually, I told me that home address too. So if you find Vaseline in your car, uh, door, or you, or you, you slip around, you, you find marbles about your front door. That's the fucking devil. You fuck with the wrong guy, pussy.

I can walk on water. I got, I got, I'm gonna do it. This is his response, okay? This is the last one. It's the voice mailbox of Jesus Christ. Please leave your name and number after the beep. Doot. You fucking leave a message like that again. I'm going to meet you in the parking lot outside the church. You better fucking bring your cross.

You better bring your nails. You better bring your goddamn dad. You're not going to crawl out of this cave. You fucking little pussy. You little Easter pussy. I'm going to fucking find you. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to wait around for three days.

And when you wake up, I'm going to fucking kill you again, bitch. See you at church, bud. Okay. Alright. Why don't we talk about... Well, we have all these... shitty humor. What do we talk about... AIDS? Is that we talking about?

Let's talk about random humor. Let's talk about AIDS jokes, guys. Let's talk about AIDS jokes. AIDS is not a joke. Tom Hague got AIDS. Yeah. The Tom Hank? Yes. Yes.

Tom Hank. That's why he went to Philadelphia and put his little hat on to combat the AIDS. It didn't work. Yeah. You ever see a movie before? Yeah. depressing. He died from AIDS at the end. Spoiler alert. Wait, hold on you

serious? That's Toy Story, you idiot. No, that's Toy Story, too, dumb ass. How fuck. I am curious what... Okay, hold on. Corey, you er, fucking, Zach, you know a lot of history about conspiracies and all that kind of stuff. I like conspiracies. Yes. I want

to know, because I'm sure you have quite a bit of knowledge in this, what are some of the popular theories as to the creation of AIDS? I'm going to go claim my pussy out. That's one. That's one of them. Well, that's a preventative measure.

One of the theories, one of those popcorns, I'm sure you guys have all heard it on the school on the playground when you were... The guy that's fucked the monkey. Yeah, yeah, the monkey fucker. I'm sure you heard about that, right? Yes, so we saw... Yeah, that's how it happened. So that was kind of like for outbreak, too, they were kind of talking about... Stamper's totally a monkey fucking. Stamper sees

the little dicks and the... This is what you get, Stamper when you talk, shit, you get fucking pussy. When you walk in the bathroom, we're going to fucking swing and break your jaw off the bitch. You got a chick, pick your job? Yeah, what's... I'll talk about... That's... Let's all tell our Stamper stories.

All right. So when I first met Stamper, he was like a big fat, autistic guy. He was like, duh. I was like, Stamper, dude, lose that shit. Get cool. And he was like, oh, and he became cool to impress me. That's right.

He picked up smoking, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he used to be like a fat guy. We all made fun of him around. Ging one. Peat on for fun. Now he just drinks pee. Now he just drinks his own pee.

Jeff, what's... What's step like the first friend about him about him? I talked him on Skype and he said he, this is actually true, by the way. He said he fell down the stairs and lost an eyeball. That's true about it. Oh, fuck, God, dude, son. I mean, we were just talking about AIDS and stuff, you know? No, you weren't.

You were saying things about me. I know it. Sorry, I kicked a table. Also, that's not the conspiracy theory. The conspiracy theory is that the government covered it up and told everyone that a dude fucked a monkey. No, the conspiracy was a couple. What did you say about me, asshole?

You'll find? No! The monkey's like an urban legend, but there is a conspiracy that the government created AIDS to get rid of gay people. Right. But then I also heard that it was created... I heard that one that they created it to kill gay people,

but then I heard that it was more of like a population control thing as well, like that they were... Which we sorely need. How does one even create a super virus like that? Or like, not even a virus definitely, right? It's like a dude in a lab with a mustache, and he's like, yes, this is going to kill everybody, slowly over the course of four.

43 years. I think it's the same way they... I mean, we have a lot of bio... Bio weapons. Bio-weapons. Biological warfare. If we wanted to kill people, there's quicker, more effective ways of doing so versus... Well, a virus, if you... You think about when people like the fuck, right? So you give them a disease that if you fuck,

you spread it, that's all we do. We fucking eat and fuck. So, TX had HIV for the last 13 years, right? But it has survived. It hasn't gone into full-blown age yet. Right. No. The virus is technically alive, though. Like, most bioreicans could be cause poison.

If something, if something really, I mean, Superbugs are a reasonable, like, feasible way for, you know, they could be a way that we would die. Especially today, I mean, the Black Dead killed, like, one-third of Europe when it happened, the Black Plague? Yeah. Yeah. And that was passed from person to person without having. Yeah, exactly. We have airplanes and trains up. Do people

fly constantly? Yeah. You know that scene from Planet Apes? Yeah. The Donald Planet Apes at the beginning, while the Red Line went everywhere. That was at the end, thank you. Dude, we've all seen that red line scene. That red line scene happens in every zombie movie. But it also happens at the beginning of dawn.

I'm sorry. Okay, I'm fucking sorry. It's okay. I forget you this time. Don't see it again. Do you think the government is currently in the works creating a biological weapon or some kind of virus? I think they already have some. I think they already have to have... With the plan to wipe out entire areas. They have technology that we couldn't even wrap our brains around right now.

I'm sure. Yeah, no, I'm not a conspiracy fellow, but I do think. think there's definitely a lot of stuff that the government has that we can't even, we have no idea about. And what's interesting, it's not even just our government. No, no. Like, I mean, think about the other governments out there that have spent that fucking hate America and have nothing better to do because they're not fucking making movies and making shows like desperate housewives. They're not desperate housewives, but real housewives of fucking New Jersey. How's that any different from desperate housewives?

It's true. The desperate real housewives of New Jersey. I'm almost willing to bet all the secret technology the government has isn't even that. No, it's like, it'd be like, oh, that's cool. I'd be willing to bet that it is fairly impressive. Because the private sector, they're, you know, they have the brightest people ever pumping out stuff so fast. It's like, I don't see how, I don't see like a secret little government lab, even with a few thousand small. No, I'm not saying that there's like aliens and stuff.

I'm just saying like, there's definitely, there's absolutely, like, I remember what Jimmy, I remember. I'm not going that far above and beyond either, but I'm saying there are things that will definitely blow your mind, but not to the, like, yeah, we're not going. to Saturn in secret. When Jimmy Conner came into office, he said he would, like, declassify, I think it was I don't think it, I think it was Airy 51, it was UFO stuff. When he came into office, he didn't do it because it was like a special bomber they were working on.

So, like, but we know what it is now. It's been declassified for a little while. JFK. What about it? Okay, this JFK thing is really bothering me in the sense where everybody who thinks there's a conspiracy, who thinks there's like, there couldn't have been one bullet that went through JFK's back and through

whatever. So you think it was Oswald? It was absolutely Oswald. There was no second shooter. The only road for conspiracy. If you don't believe me, look up, what's it called? It was, fuck, it wasn't time. It was, I saw it. I can't remember what it was.

I can't remember who did it. But I'll post, in fact, I'll post a couple of really good ones if you want to watch, if you're interested. If you really think, if you really think JFK was killed by a second gunman, there's zero evidence warrant. Every recreation, every three-day recreation has proved that. So, what do you think all over? The issue is, everyone says, Basically, there's a single bullet theory where they say the bullet couldn't have gone through. Basically, it was JFK in the back seat?

Yeah, they said the governor of Texas in the front scene. And one bullet went through the back of JFK's neck and threw his shoulder. Sorry, threw his neck and whatever. And into the governor's back. So they say there's no way the bullet could have curved like fucking wanted. But if you look at it, the governor was not only not directly funny. He was slightly left and he was elevated. I think he was on a different level because the chairs were different heights.

So it makes perfect sense. There's zero room. for a second gunman. Well, what I don't understand is. And also, the bullet for the gun he used Dunn's tubble when it enters a body, which is exactly what happened.

They've done multiple tests on this. Every single one says it was Lee Harvey Oswald. Now, the question, the question is, what motivated it? I think that's the only room for conspiracy when it comes to JFK

is like... Why does it always have to be a major motivation? Maybe a guy just wanted to fucking kill the fucking president. It's this theory where it's like he's the president, he's this big. And he had to be killed

by somebody who is this big, people refused to admit that a president could I mean for Christ's sake George W. Bush was choked out a pretzel Nobody would have believed that and he'd be like no it was the CIA to kill him because I think presidents are more than people. A bullet killed JFK

that would have been the CIA shooting him with a trillion different bullets from a billion different angles Well first of all that's Obama slipped on a patch of ice and fucking broke his neck There would be endless conspiracy theories Well that's the thing it's like yeah

Who sprayed the sidewalk? Yeah but then it's like okay So that's completely nonsense It could have been fucking anybody for any different motivation But the other thing is to what end? Like, why... Shooting the president and killing the president

is a pretty good fucking fucking fucking fucking what 50 years after he died? No, I mean, to accomplish what? If you have a theory like, okay, they killed JFK. Because they're trying to crack it open and expose. A lot of the biggest theories are...

Expose what? Exposed the CIA because they, the CIA really wanted, hated how... It was with Cuba, right? Yeah, he botched the bay of pigs. They really wanted a man who was going to go in there.

but who took over? It was fucking Lyndon B. Johnson. Yeah. It was Lyndon Johnson who didn't do it. I don't know. Do you think Oswald was hired? That is the only rule for conspiracy world to say, okay, maybe. The only thing I think, I don't think he was hired.

I think he was a psycho. He visited the Soviet Union multiple times. He just did like the president. People, why did... Who did you say he wasn't hired by the Russians then? Well, I mean, Russia has... Or the Soviet Union. Because Cruz Jov, the leader of the Soviet Union, really liked JFK.

He thought he was a very good leader. I don't think he liked. liked LBJ, but not to get too fucking into that shit. But my point is if you look into the JFK, they think there's absolutely zero for a second shoot, it's stupid. It's honestly stupid. There's also the moon landing theory.

It couldn't have happened. Why not? Explain what if you... Yeah, why is it so out of the realm of your understanding that the moon landing can't happen? Yeah, you know what's amazing? Is that that one hoverboard video came out and more people believed that that hoverboard video was real? You know what I thought?

Then this fucking... Yeah, no, you know what I thought, like, one of their biggest arguments was, yeah, if you take down just standard footage of a guy jumping around and you slow it down to half percent, you could tell that they just, like, they just did that. But if you understand animation, like, you see the movement and what's happening. It's also 1969, dude. Yeah. There's also, there's also fucking, this is great if you look, if you're interested in this kind of stuff, you can look up a memo that Richard Nixon had prepared in case they couldn't come back. And it was like on this day, we're so, these guys died heroes. And this was completely reasonable.

To get somebody to the moon and back, people was fucking, it was, it could have very, very easily gone wrong. I feel like, especially, because recently we were able to land, what was it, a probe or a satellite on a moving asteroid that, you know, people could, you know, I think it seems reasonable we could land on a stationery. What these people live? Yeah, you think? Like we're going to Mars right now and everyone's like, oh, no, there's no way you fucking land it on the moon, asshole. There are people that are convinced the Earth is flat. And it's not a joke. It's like a good number of people who are convinced the Earth is flat.

And then when you go into airplanes, the curvature of the Earth is the airplane windows being programmed by the government. These people are fucking psychos. They think every single aspect of their life. I mean, I think the biggest thing to take away from it is conspiracy theorists don't believe in accidents. I'm curious, I've always, one thing I always ask these people is what big event happened in the last 200 years that wasn't planned. They won't tell you anything. They won't give you anything. If their brother died in a car accident, it was a conspiracy.

The government is on to them. They know what they're doing. There's no such thing as accidents. As if they're that fucking important. Exactly. You know, humans do require a certain amount of rationalization. The idea that things could happen randomly without cause, I think, distressing people. It definitely distresses people.

Not to get into this area, but it's religion in some ways. You're in this area? Hold on. Somebody died? You mean they just died? No, no. there has to be, and you start adding this metaphysical, well, there's this all-same being.

Right. There's this big entity that controls everything. It's God, or it's the big government. It's a way for people who have no control in life to feel like they have control. Right. Who feel like there's order. Or understand, right.

The world is chaos. So if you add this level of like, oh, the government is fucking with the cheese and making people, they're putting fluoride in the water. It makes it feel like there's order. And if nothing else, they have something to kill their time with. Yeah, exactly. But like, you'll never see like a, like a, a, like a, Millionaire conspiracy theories because all, not, not if you're, what, conspiracy theories, your life is bad, but, I mean, there's tests that people who are in less control start adding, start seeing things, like seeing patterns that aren't there.

Right. So, I mean, if you ever, if you're, it's the first thing people do. It's why a lot of unfortunate and poor people start to pray a lot. Because it's your way of trying to, it's your brain trying to manage things and control things and box things up. Right now, somebody is frowning at you and shaking their head. Oh, blow me. Oh, fuck you. This guy has no idea what he's talking about, all right? Oh, tell me to watch Lose Change. Tell me how Jet Fuel doesn't melt steel beams.

Oh, a gray alien reptoid together flew into the World Trade Center with JFK's head. Yeah. How do you feel about those planes that are up in the sky shooting out noxious fumes to poison the angels? To poison the... The chem trails are poisoning the angels that God is sending to protect us, Zach. How do you feel about that? These angels are dropping like dead. birds and landing in people's backyards. People are grabbing

them and fucking them. They're keeping them in their houses and just fucking these angels. Taking their wings off. Jumping up rooms with these angel wings, but they can't fly because they're not angels. You have to have angel wings in your body. In a halo. The halo is like your battery. Without the hail you can't fly. Stop trying to jump off buildings without the fucking

halo. Thanks, Zach. You helped a lot of people today. Jeff, on another conspiracies that you kind of believe that you're like, well... No! You don't think Iceman, Blue Ice at the World Trade Center? That's what caused it. I have better things to do with my time.

You don't think the Incredible Hulks or Poyot Steel Beams underneath the 9-11 towers? I'm not one of these people that needs to feel special by believing something, knowing something. Other people don't know. The government did not know. I think the government is filled with semi-incominent people who don't know what they're doing. Yeah, I was going to say it's all the conspiracy theories exist. It's also not like an original poet to Riverbitt's like. Oh yeah, and then it goes, yeah, it's like cyclical like that.

Like they think that they're super geniuses like doing all these things. But we're only smart people Are the ones like building fighter jets and surveillance systems What's your dumb as shit? Jeff, Do you know the term that they give people us, Us regular guys, these conspiracy theories, what they call us?

Shiepulls? Mugles? You sheeple? You sheeple? Might as well be muggles. That's a good word. It's Harry Potter, man. I didn't just pull it out of my ass. I'm not a dork. I fuck girls. I drink beer. Fucking muggle?

Ew. You mudblood? I wonder if you walked into like a football guy If you did know what that was, if you, like, punch you because he thought it was some insult because he made it feel stupid. Have you called him a muggle? Yeah. You fucking muggle. I think they punch you, if you call him a football guy. Hey, football guy.

What the fuck's that supposed to mean? What what Terry Cruz do if you insult him? Would he snap you in half? No, he's so nice. Have you ever seen the interviews with Terry Cruz? Yeah. Yeah, he seems like the nicest dude ever. He's the nicest guy.

I want to give him a big old hug. Can he? Yeah, he's a phenomenal artist, man. I wouldn't say he's really good at what he did. Okay, phenomenal, no. But yeah, he's, he's surprised. Surprisingly good. He's one of those guys that kind of copies photographs, but he does it really well.

Right. He actually can draw pretty well. Every interview I've seen with him, he seems like the nicest guy. He seems really down to earth. And then you get behind closed doors. Yeah, and then he just fucking fucks your skull. Have you ever seen George Bush's paintings before? Yeah.

They're fucking funny. What do you think of these people who, every time I'm on the internet, the only art that seems to be getting praised is people who copy photographs. You go to like fucking Reddit It's like every art Every hobby Like there you go to Reddit Every lot of stuff on there will fucking educate you

A copied photograph They're like you're so talented Yeah It's like I guess you are In a certain way but I think the more people Start to figure out the internet

And what it really is Like we're still in this transitional period Where everybody's blown away by everything Because everybody You're being put in touch by The 43 year old woman That lives next door to you And then the dude up the street

So they don't really, there's no defining boundary there. You're all in this fucking room that's, it's not awkward anymore. I don't know. It's interesting, like, what people appreciate, because I feel like it's all context. Yeah. You know, people will, like, give, on Reddit, they'll give it, like, 8,000, you know, ups or whatever. Of some guy who took, like, a picture of themselves every day for a year and then strung it all together. But there's some African kid who fucking ate four flies and drank a puddle of mud and survived for, you know, 25 years.

He kind of deserved it coming. You know, black people, I mean, you know. He chose to be born in Africa. Yeah, I mean, the black guys have had it pretty good for a long time. They kind of get the occasional one-two to the face. Still swinging back? Yeah, they can take out of a cut once in a while. That's why they need a break, I think.

There's a science to making white people X-D on the internet, Mick. All you got to do is hide-line. That's what you do. I want to know is, Jeff, if you, let's say right now, let's say you had no scruples. You didn't care about what anyone's... I hate the words people. I was going to say, what are you fucking my grandfather? I am not fucking your grandfather.

Well, you could. No, but I'm not. All right, continue. No, I was going to say, if you were to start a channel and you wanted all the knowledge that you have from looking at Tumblr and watching other YouTube videos, what would be your, what would be your breakdown of the things you would do to create the most successful YouTube channel ever? I'd blow up stuffed animals there in slow motion. Holy shit. Do you ever see that all? Great fucking idea.

That is actually, that would be so popular. Did you see this? Arnold Schwarzenegger, like, had a tank, and all the videos were, like, he would crush yourself at the tank. But it was somehow, it was somehow underwhelming. He was like, oh, wait. That got crushed by a tank. I would dress up cats, like, little soldiers.

Okay. And just have explosions going on the background as they kind of play with each other in the foreground. And they would shoot lasers from their eyes. Now, how many videos do you think you could kick out like that? Do you think you would have to change up the recipe? Or that alone, just keep making those videos. call the YouTube channel

Laser cat bacon Okay, right What about Ninja or Pirates? You gotta have one of those too What's more epic than ninjas and pirates Funny? Ninja Cat Laser Bacon Alright, now we're all doing. Now look. Now we're cooking.

With bacon. Random, rant, man, I don't even get into this. Listen, what? What? What's not funny about bacon? You know what I mean? Humor. Hold up, hold up. Yeah, go.

No, you know, you got like a joke? Add bacon to it. I thought, that's a funny joke, you know what I mean? Aren't waffles? Your meal's not good enough? I thought waffles, pancakes, cookies, and bacon. Muffins. Muffins.

Muffins. Watch. You know, I want to make, like, a generator for this, like, cat, bear, dolphin, lava. I mean, all these hilarious animals. Just look at pugs. Wow, bugs. God, they're funny. Look at their disgusting mouthful faces.

Also, check this out. Food. Bacon. Muffins. All I'm not done. What is the demo? This type of shit, like, irritates us. But what is the demo?

Is it, is it like mom? It's hypercated. who watch at Bader Zim. 13 to 19. Primarily female. It's like girls who wear a Bader Zip t-shirts. That's the audience, dude.

It's like, we have that, all right, so just to bring up, not to shit on, because we just like shitting on people like bitter, bitter, bitter cunts. Oh, yeah, we'll... The Kickstarter that got, like, $8 million, $9 million.

Oh, was this that bacon thing? It's a card game. Oh, sorry. That, first off, that guy, his art fucking stinks. I don't care what anybody says. What's the card game? You don't even give me the name.

What's the game? exploding kittens. Yeah, it's called like laser cats or exploding kittens or something like that. Yeah, I think it's called exploding. So it's literally the recipe we were talking about for... It's so forgettable that it's interchangeable. It's like, oh, is it a ninja-laser fucking cat? The guy who does has this website, and he panders to just the biggest fucking idiots on the planet with his humor.

It's like the top ten list of what a, what a dolphin would say if something, you know, just like it's... Is one of the... Lazy dolphin? He's the guy that runs the... Lazy shit. The old meal, right? Yeah. He's not bad.

though. He's put out a couple of things that are fairly good. He's got some... I like a lot of the oatmeal's articles. Yeah. Don't give me those eyes, Jeff. We're not friends anymore. Oh, shut up. Have you read some of his articles? No. I think some of the articles are great. I didn't know about this game

that he was making. Top ten lists. Top ten things you can do with bacon. Go. You didn't XD when you read that? No, he's told some interesting stories from his childhood and stuff like that. I think The most surprising is just

My robocop wiener That's a shit on another artist But there's bad art There's good art There's bad art that's You know still kind of charming Yeah His art is bad

Like Mark M is not a great artist But he has a really fucking charming style Yeah His art He can really enjoy it That O'Mail guy's art Is bad and not charming Well he's an entertainer

He uses his art as a Yeah but his art's not entertaining That's his point To honestly it's all subjective of dishclamers. It looks like something on just a random 15 year old to draw on math class.

And I think there's a charm to it. South Park is so fucking stupid to look at it's charming. I mean, are we sounding to am I sounding to be honest am I coming off to like people and dinner games? Hey, no. For the card game and what it got? No, you're not. Because I feel like people

gratefully might give me shit because I might get a little too. You're allowed to be cynical. Nobody's going to argue whether or not you're allowed to have your opinion. I think some of the articles are funny. As long as you're not saying everybody's wrong to thinking. If you're listening at home and you're like looking at me, you're thinking to me like, oh, what a bitter, what a bitter, miserable, cunt. It's okay.

It's all right. I agree. You're really good at Street Fighter and you're an amazing artist. You do draw the line when you start telling people that you are wrong for thinking that. Yeah, yeah. That's where the line is. And I'll know. I'm not saying that.

And if I had a fraction of your talent, I would probably, I would probably be bitter as well when I saw shitty shit. You got a huge weiner. You got a huge weiner stamper. It just seems like if you matched up somebody who was actually funny with an actual decent artist, the card game could have been a billion times better.

Yeah, and then it pulled like, it pulled like eight million on... I think that's the kicker. If it got its goal, nobody would give a shit, but it got like, yeah, way over. It's just ugly, ugly, lazy. Well, I think that's what goes to. I think it goes back to that, like, the hype. Yeah. So we got like one dollar. You'd be like, oh, this isn't that.

bad, but if we got like $20 million, what the fuck? And it's not even the art that pisses me off of the really, the art doesn't even make me mad, just on top of the fact that the humor is so terrible. What was, well, hold on, besides the $8 million, what was he asking for? Like, a couple hundred thousand, right? Ten thousand. Okay, $10,000? And then he got $8,000?

And then that untalented coattel rider came in and said, hey, let's work together, and then it got $8 million. I see. And I think, like I said, when you see, $8 million, you go, you cross terms, and go, well, well, let's see. Impress me, $8 million. Come on. Yeah.

This better be worth $8 million. I think that's where it starts to... But if it got, like, if it got $5, you'd be like... It's not worth... I mean, it's not bad. You know what I mean? I think it is the fact that it blows up so much. I mean, and then you start to see a lot of the flaws,

and then you start to try to put the value to it. Like, this isn't worth $8 million. Exactly. I'm not even trying to attack the guy. I'm just saying, I'm actually just curious what... How it got so much? He's got a huge fan base. That's why.

It's the same thing with the Simon's cat guy who ended up coming out with the cat cartoons or whatever it was. He asked, I think, for like 350,000 pound, which was like $600,000 plus dollars. And I think some people were like, dude, for, I think it was for like one cartoon. Yeah, it was kind of like, you know, not, look. I was one of the people who said, but that also ended up getting a ton more money, like, over the thing. And in some cases, when people ask for an amount, and if they happen to have the support and it goes way over, you can't necessarily fault the creator. But when they're asking for a lot and they get way over even that, I feel

Like, that's when I personally draw the line. I don't know if you should cut this because it just, we sound like a bunch of complainers, but it just kind of blows my mind, that's all. It just seems like there's so many things out there that are so much better than that. Sure. $8 million could do a lot for a lot of other causes. I see Kickstarter failing all the time that legitimately interesting, talented people are doing things. Wait, stop.

Are you saying that you'd rather see some kickstars pull through versus a bowl of potato salad? That was a silly gimmick. I mean, yeah, that was stupid, but... Well, in fact, people who donated to that understood what they were getting in. Like, they got on that hilarious epic thing that I haven't forgot about.

You know, all these people at the OTS that can't play, can't wait to play their kitten, exploding kitten game with all their other OTS friends. Like, they just go to conventions like MagFest and sit, that's where all these people go. They go to MagFest and sit like the game, no, let's be honest, let's be honest.

Yeah, let's be honest, you go to Magfest, asshole? No, no, when the game comes out, when the game comes out, How long do you think people are going to play it? A day? Do you think it's going to be the next big thing? Do you think it's going to be the next Wizards of the Coast? I don't think so.

The next Pokemon? The next... Cards against humanity? Yeah. Maybe. No. I don't think so. There's a lot of girls out there.

A lot of cuties. Yeah. People think I'm better enough. I should just... Speaking of fuck, you, make, let's talk about old people in nursing homes. Stamper, when you get old and crusty... Let's say you somehow survive your suicide and you become a whole thing beautiful?

Do you want to be put to a nursing home? Do you want to be put into a hole by your kids? No. They're depressing. Have you been doing nursing home? Have you said what? I know. I have. I don't know.

I don't know why you would actively go to a fucking nursing home where somebody wipes. The day somebody has to wipe my ass is the day I'm hanging myself in my bedroom. Stamper, you don't wipe your own ass. Yeah, that's true. It's true. No, I was going to say, you know,

like with nursing homes, a lot of them feel, and I've been to a couple, but they, not to be crass, they feel a lot like death row, but with perks. Yeah. You know, for old people. Well, the truth is...

You get a last meal with death row. It's not fucking processed food. I'm saying like the, well, yeah, I guess. But with the nursing homes, you never know, like you can be best friends with someone. You never know who's going to croak the next day. Like, it's kind of like with death row. You never know when someone's number is going to come up.

And in fairness, they're not called nursing homes anymore. They're called assisted living. Actually, there are two levels. If you have the money to pay for it, you can put your grandparent in something called assisted living, which is nicer than a quote-unquote nursing home. It's still depressing because it's filled with dying old people.

But it's, you know, it looks, it's kind of like in a dorm for a nice kind of for old people. Do you're all these? Yeah, but it's like, you know, it's kind of like okay decor and the people are nice. A nursing home is when you don't have the money. Okay, I have to sell in somewhere.

I think either way, I think maybe people send their old people to one of those places because they're afraid that old guy's going to die in their house or something. Yeah. You know what I mean? So basically they're just pawning off. Yeah, because I feel like if you had your grandfather making your house and he was like, he had the guest bedroom, you'd always be like, man, we'll have to throw that bed away. You know what I mean? Oh, he's getting his fucking dead hands everywhere.

I mean, assisted living, you know, they'll take you out and do stuff with you. They'll take you out. They'll take you outside and put a ball in your head. I remember my grandfather went to one of those. and there was this old lady who, quote, unquote, escaped. Every day she would roll very slowly to the exit and push her way out and get like a foot to be like, up, back here.

And there's a phone guy's tackler? Yeah, she had, yeah, fucking, yeah, I started hitting her and tithons. Yeah. I'll tell you what, though, if your grandparents have, like, a million in the bank and they're like, I want to go to a nice assisted living place for the next decade, their money will drain faster than you believe.

Yeah. I heard that shit gets eaten up fast. Yeah, that's just, that's like, That's a quick way to upset the parents and kids. That's cheaper. Put them down. I feel like if I had a lot of money in the bank, and I was incredibly unhealthy,

I would just take me out back and shoot me. You can have my money. See, you're being respectful. They'd be fond of me after I'm dead. That's right. Not only would they be fond of you, you'd be such a badass. Hey, you guys remember Grandpa Jeff?

Do you remember the time when he wanted to die? And he just handed us a gun, and he went out with a beer, and he got on his knees in the backyard, and he said, Do it, pussy. He said, take my money. It's all yours.

Just don't miss. I get on a Harley and drive into the front of a... Jeff, if you were going to die that way, right? Like, let's say... Good luck laughing when you're dead, bitch. I mean, Jeff, are you looking forward to old age? Honestly. Not even...

Not even old age. Like 60, 60. No. 60-year-old Jeff walking around. No. You get discounts. I can't wait to be 60. My balls haven't really dropped.

Jeff, you can be like you can tell his kids. I can't wait on 60 and have like old saggy men. Are you kidding me? I'm not. Discounts? Dude, I was at McDonald's today and the old fuck rocked up with the aura of death around the way. He was like, you know he said he said?

Yeah, Jake this out. You only said? He went, see your coffee. I was like, oh, what's he talking about? Is that like a dead guy language? No, she was like 60 cents. My coffee was like $2, dude. I'll take youth over my $3 savings at the movie theater. I'm not going to, I'm not going to fuck.

What's your ideal? You're going to go ask for fucking handouts. I want to hear the answer to that. He wants his old people handouts. He asked, what's your ideal? age to live to? You're not Sevali, you're not shitting your diaper, you can walk. Well, that depends because, you know, it's been proven, pretty much proven online.

If you're an elderly person, if you're hitting the gym every day, you can be pretty physically healthy for at least into your, probably the latest, maybe your mid-70s, you can be pretty active. Yeah, you're worried about strokes, sugar. Okay, so I'm saying, you're not wheelchair-bound, you're not like,

you're not seeing, you're not dying, you're not brain damage. I mean, I'll just say, both my both my grandfathers, they lived to their early 80s. They still able to walk around. They could do stuff. 90, right? Come on. I mean, the very latest? Yeah, what's your cap? Okay, 90. Turn me off at 90.

Turn me off at 90. I'll unplug you. All right. People listening to the podcast will remember that because this is now... What about you, Stamper? I'm curious. 47 tops. Oh, stop. But you're going to be like 56. 47 tops. Yeah, Stamper said he had like four years left when we were in the living room.

He's been saying that for all these years. Stamper is going to lose to be 150 years. He'll never die. I don't think I'll make it to 90. Nobody, no males in my family to get to 90. I've seen a lot of things. I've experienced a lot of people.

I'm pretty much done with life. I'm good. What about you, Mick? You're Chinese, so you're going to live to be like a million. Yeah. I think a million would be good. I won't lie.

I don't want to die. I want to live forever. It's funny. You know, everyone's like, everybody has his mind somewhere when you're 15, you're like, yeah, I'll live be like 25. I don't care.

But when you're 25, you're like, yeah, I'll live you be like 40. I don't care. When you're phone, you're like, but it's weird when you see these old people who are like 80 and they're like, I will live another 15 years. Yeah. I saw an interview with George Carle like a month before he died.

Somebody was asking him like something and he, his response was like dying. He said something to the effect of like, oh yeah, I'll live like another 15, 20 years or whatever, 10, 15 years or whatever. They died like a month later and I was like goddamn. Yeah. What do you think of married people who live in their thing? What do you worry so much about death for Zach? I'm not worried about it. You're totally

worried about it. I'm not worried about it. I'm saying people who, people who, everyone's like, you'll die right now, but like the truth is, but even 70 or 80 year olds don't want to die. They want to live like another five or 10 years. I'm saying that I will die right now happily. I could live to that age. I just feel like, these people who are married

that live to their 80s and they're like, oh, I'm still in love with my sweetheart. They're just, they realize they're too far in. They're just... How could you not be sick with fucking 80? How could you not be fucking sick of that person, by the Well, you do hear about those cases, those. murder cases where it's like some

85 year old man strangled his 87 year old wife and shit Who could blame him? What did she do for like 50 years of not pissing him off to the What brought it to that point? It was 50 years of pissing him off and it was Just that last

He was just like he walked over slowly She was like stop it It was built up you do hear about that They get poisoned and shit like that Both of my grandparents Or on one side of my family They both divorced When they were like

Borderline 8 I want to say. Jesus Christ. And then they both immediately remarried the people they should have been married to their entire lives. They were married for like 50 years and then they divorced. And I was like, wow, that's really fucking late to divorce and then joined with somebody else. But they're like super psyched and happy now. Do you think they're all dead?

I've thought about this too, though. Do you think, I mean, do you think by the time you're old, you're kind of upset that nobody wants to fucking old person. I don't think, I don't think, I don't think someday you desire. No, no, but my point is. I think old people fuck other old people not because they're they somehow become old people but it's because all it's all you can get. No, I disagree.

I disagree. Yeah. Because the older I get that I mean my taste, it's not like I'm looking for fucking 17 year old person. By the time of your 80 you're really going to fuck your 80 old wife who looks like a corpse? No, you don't see it that way. Dude, I won't fuck anybody under 24 right now. It's not happening. Zach, do you know? That's got to jail

shots and fucking. One of the biggest problems, hold on one of the biggest 30 though. It's like, is it worth pretty much. pretty much adults, right? One of the biggest issues that a lot of these assisted living compounds has is the spread of STDs among the elderly. I'm not telling that they fuck. I'm not trying that they fuck. I'm not saying they're not to lose anymore.

I'm not saying they don't fuck, but I'm saying like, if a 20-year-old walked in there was like, I want to suck your dick, man. He would do it. Yeah. So. I'm just saying like, I'm just saying he would not not appreciate an elderly's saggy-vaney boobs. He could still enjoy those. I feel like there's a cap. Yeah, I think you guys are saying like 30 or 40, you guys are saying like 30 or 40 old ladies, but that's like, that's...

No, you're working with your current mindset thinking about fucking an old, well, you're thinking about current... Dude, I would go old. I would go old. I would go older than you guys would. How old did you do? Liar. Yeah, how old would you go? You first. How old did you go? Let's see. 60s. Uh, I'd do hot 50. Oh, you guys are such pussy. I would say a hot 60 year old. You're 50s. You fucking hypocrite. I'm not a hypocrite. I'm not 50 yet. When I hit 50, I'll probably say 70. You're 95. You're going to be like, oh, bring me that fucking Jeepers, creepers body. Bring me that fucking rotting corpse.

This wasn't a contest to see who was the creepiest dude in terms of wanting to fuck old ladies. Jeff, would you fuck a rotty corpse? No, I wouldn't. I like them right when they clock over to 18. I sit and wait. You got your watch. I'm waiting by the DMV every day. Waiting for bitches to come out with their license so they could drive.

me someplace and blow me. Speaking of old people, I'm curious, how would you guys want to die? If you had to go out, they gave you a choice. They say, hey, you're going to die, but we're going to give you a choice. How do you want to go? Any choice? Any choice? I'd like to...

Anything. With stamp or, like, ride into, like, a warehouse full of, like, drug dealers with guns blazing. Yes. You could do that. There. All right. Well, okay, okay, let's... I'll take that.

Here's more interesting, right? We have guns, too, right? Yeah. Yeah. So we can kill as many people as we need? Okay, yeah, okay. I'll like that. You're just another situation, right?

You're walking down the street. A car fucking hits you. You're dying. Like, you're split in half. You're going to die. You have, like, honestly, like a minute left. You can feel, you're going cold. Because the guy who hits you, he's like, oh, man, he's freaking out, right?

You can tell this guy your last words, be like, tell everybody. This was my last, this was my last, my last word, my last request. I'll say, jokes aside, I would, hands down, honestly say, tell the world, Psychie Pebbles is a fagot. and he would go up to somebody be like he said just tell the world Psychicables is a faggot I'd be like just get trend

make sure psychic pebbles is a faggot trends on Twitter Put a hashtag hashtag hashtag It's like I don't know what that means And you'll never know what it means But I just said it because I had nothing better to say And it'll ruin your life I'd want to come off stage

I want to come off stage from the Oscars With 18 Oscars in my arms For a cartoon I made with my friends That won like best animation I want to go backstage. I want to have fucking the hottest fucking superstar woman, female lead who just won her Oscar

for leading actress. Give me a fucking blow job. And while that's happening, right when I fucking come, someone put a gun to the back of my head and blow my brains out. Lovellica Beauty style. Is that how they did it?

Spoilers! Oh. This is here again. 321. Spoilers! Okay, all four of us. Three to one. Spoilers!

There you go. That's good. Here's a morbid question. Let's say your entire family was wiped out by a drunk driver. Okay. The drunk driver lived. Yes. And he was fine. Okay. And you decided to

write him a letter. If that driver was me, I'd fucking kill myself. Yeah, would you be the forgiveness type of person? I think, I honestly think I have a threshold. I think I have a threshold where somebody did something horrible up to me, I would just wouldn't care. I'd dedicate my life to tell you. You know what I mean? I'd be the forgiveness guy, true. I would.

I absolutely would. Because what else can I fucking do at that point? I would. I would You know what? I would probably beat the shit out of it. Okay, okay, okay. Kicked the crap out of someone who, like, kicked my dog. No, no, no, no. If somebody kicked my dog, I would go over to their house. I would pull their kids out of the school bus as they got home,

and I would fucking bash their heads into my country. That scenario's got variables, though. I'd have to talk to the guy first. Let's do it this way. Let's do it this one. I might forgive them. Okay. Not a drug driver, but it's the fucking, what's the Gerard Butler movie where the dude kills his family?

300. What? Oh, oh, it's, um. A, a law-bodied citizen. A law-lawing citizen. A lot of it's law. If it's law-biting citizen thing where you're like, you're at home, some do eating dinner. Make sure you watch Law-Biding Citizen to get that forever.

It's like the first fight. There's a home invasion. Yes. Yeah, it's a home invasion. You're sitting there eating with your family. It doesn't mean you could be your kids, your wife, it could be your aunts and uncles, brothers, sisters. Those guys are going to die. Yeah.

The way it happened in that movie, yeah. They're going to die. How would you do it, though? Honestly. How would I kill them or what letter would I write? Kill them. What would you do? I could probably do what Gerard Butler did.

You think you would do that? I could do close to what he did minus a lot of the scientifics and planning. Yeah, I was going to be like, I don't know if anyone could really do what he did in the... Actually, no, dude, he put like poison to do like a barrel of a cup gun. If he was a guy that said no remorse and he was like, glad

he killed everybody I knew, I could definitely time down to a table and do terrible... Oh yeah, I could. Because you're going to die anyways. You knew it was coming. Why, I'd scoop his eyes out with a a spoon? You know what I always thought was a really good torture idea, but it was regretted? place somebody on their back and then tie them

to where a table they can flip over, so their stomach is facing the floor. But cut a little hole when their stomach is and their guts right and then put them over like that so it all comes out. What the hell is your problem? It'd be sweet, though. Think about it. If someone like cut your line, you could do that.

Jesus, man. If I cut a hole in your stomach and flipped you over, your guts probably wouldn't fall out like a cartoon, Zach. Hit him on the back like a bar up. Like a Heinz ketchup out of jar? The Heinz ketchup cup. Batch you're going on, man. I mean, that happens with dogs if they get hit by a car there.

Oh, everything spills out, yeah. I don't know if I told, did I tell the story about my neighbor's dog and got hit by a suburban? Yeah, he's a big pit bull. Yeah. His intestines were hanging out and he still walked back to the house. And they sewed him back up and he was okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I have a similar story where I was driving to the Newgrounds office when I lived up north and I was on the interstate and I was on the interstate and I was on the interstate and I was on the interstate and I was on the, I was on the dog might be. alive. Right. Or whatever the fuck it it is, it might be alive. And so I went back, and then I pulled up next to the dog. And then I walked up to, I parked my car and I walked up to him and I was like, you okay, buddy? And I put my hand on his ribcage, and it was ice cold. And I was like, oh God. I thought you were saying like he caved in. Well, no, but then I looked to the right and all his guts

were hanging out of his ass. It was the worst fucking day of that entire year. Yeah, when the dog... And then it came back later on to drive back home, and it was just like this bloody scrape on the ground. So some guys just came by and scooped them up with the snow shovel and threw them in the fucking trash. It was awful. It was awful.

You know there's no coming back when you see some road kill. Some of them look like they might be able to make it. You know, like they've got they're little kind of crooked, you know, like they're clearly not right. If somebody gave CPR time they could have been. Maybe, but other times you know it's just wrong when like they kind of look whole, but

literally like they got run over right in the middle and their guts. It's not like with the dog where they can put it back in. I mean they're like shooting out their eye socket. It's like they're done. Yeah, he looked. like straight like from like 75% of his body I was like I've never touched a creature that was like an ice

cold dude it was fucked up yeah I talked about this before but I saw I came out three like a minute after a deer was hit in front of that was one of my favorite stories creepy that whole thing must have looked all four legs are broken flannel around that absolutely looks like something from silent hill

it's a fucking nightmare that's absolutely like a silent hill like creature like a mini boss we could just stand there and just hope the thing died because that flailing Deer has antlers. Yeah, and you got to make sure it doesn't flail at you. You're like trying to run away from it because it's just limbs and hooves and antlers.

Yeah, it's a mini-bought. It's got the normal music. It doesn't have like the boss music. Right. It's got like the sub-boss music. And yeah, like I was saying, the only nice part of that poll sort of is some guy came by within like 20 minutes and was like,

hey, you're going to eat that? And he threw it in the back of his truck. Yeah, see, to me, that's a happy ending. Yeah, that would have been me, dude. I would have been like, yeah, I'll eat this thing. I'll give this thing a memorial in my belly. His prank. In your toilet.

Moving on. Zach, you were just chastising me because I pay for TV. Well, no, I would say that nobody has TV. Like, nobody watches cable television. Like, not even cable. Nobody watches TV. All right, look. What do you mean nobody?

Here's the thing. Okay, let me clarify. Nobody that, I guarantee a lot of our listeners don't watch TV. Unless you live with your family or you live with the room anyway. I guarantee a lot of our listeners do listen to or watch. I'm genuinely curious. If you spend all day on the internet, you swear nobody watches TV. He's like,

No, no, no, no, no. I'll say this. Fuck Comcast and, uh, I just download everything. Oh, I see fuck TV because we don't, we don't even pay for, like, I don't, we don't have, it's not that we pay for, we don't watch it. We don't even pay for TV. Because by the time you think it was out, I have Netflix. I mean, that's, that's what I use.

I think I pay for Netflix. Yeah, but you could also go and watch any show you want to. With TV, I had to watch TV when I went to when I went to my parents' house last winter, whatever. It was, it was an awkward thing ever because it was the first time I watched TV. You know what? To play the devil's advocate again. Who was the less to be watched TV, but honestly? You sat down and watched TV.

At a bar. But at the same time... At your house. Who's nice to me watch TV in your house? We don't have TV at our house. Exactly my fucking boy. I'm not saying... Well, at the same time, I have Netflix at my house, and what I have to watch...

That's my boy do. Fucking Leprecond 2 and the fucking Exorcist 9? People have TV for a reason, and the TV is still very important and popular. I like putting it on for, like, you know, I'll put on his background noise or like, I'll just put on the food network or... Yeah, but you pay so much for that, though. Well, Zach, I'm not starving. I can afford it. Do you really want to afford listening to old bitches screaming?

I feel like there's some... I'd feel empty inside of. I didn't have TV for some reason. Access to it at least. I just got used to it, man, because I'm sure I want to watch or just find online. To find a balance... You guys are sitting home eating bugs and watching Netflix, and I like my TV. You're wasting $50 a month! That's more than that. See, I was paying like $120 a month for my cable TV, right? For TV you don't watch.

Well, no, here's the thing. Like, if I think there's a bad... balance you could find where you're paying for a lot of channels that you don't watch. Like me and Jeff watch Discovery, history, the Food Network, maybe Cartoon Network, whatever. So why isn't there a fucking TV package where I could just like click the shows that I, or the station? Well, that's a DVR technically, right? Like with the DVR you can do that. Yeah, but aren't you still paying a flat fee for everything? There's a whole fucking argument about this about you should be able to subscribe to the channels you actually want.

I'm not even, I'm not even saying anybody's inferior to watch TV or say. I didn't know that anybody still... You're the only person I know that still watches TV and pays for TV. You know, the thing that I find, like... The entirety of my family does. No, the thing I find most interesting about, like, today's audiences, though, and the reason why I think TV is becoming more and more obsolete is that we want our shows and we want our entertainment instantly,

and we want it specifically. We don't want to have to wait through... It's not just the commercials. Cheap, too. Yeah, and it's not just the commercials. It's also that your show is there. You know what I mean? Like, you don't have to wait until 6.

P. I mean, you're not testing out a new show plus commercials. That's the biggest thing. When I went back to visit my family, I was going through the TV guide and there was nothing on. So I was like, well, I'm just not going to want,

I can't watch anything. I'm just going to sit here like an idiot. It's true that this. I would rather look at my Twitter feed and talk to friends than watch some show I didn't want, like, you know, desperate housewives. I torrent TV shows if I miss them.

So you do get to watch the shows that you want when you want to. I've never torn it. shit like video games. I just grabbed shows every now that I miss. Would you try to say that? Like, that was justifying it? Like, I'm not one of those guys. I'm one of the

good torrenters. Just TV shows. I'm not a good person. I'm just not a bad. I only murder white people. I'm not a racist. I don't murder black people. I'm only half a downloading. I know. I don't know why that happened. This fucking came came up. I generally don't

down the things you pay for. Like, I have HBO go. I pay for that. I'm legit, I don't, I don't That seems like a fine That seems great though Because there's lots of shows and movies That I actually only get access From there

You can watch any episode of any show you want to That it's on HBO But that's not cable though HBO goes in it That's my point It's like Netflix I can't afford anymore Yeah but then I know people

It's like the same concept When people are like Yeah fuck PS4 I'm never gonna spend that much money On a fucking game console And then they'll go out and buy a video card For like $800 It's the same concept

I know people are like Fuck cable TV And they'll buy a Hulu account a Netflix account of fucking HBO Go. Which is all less expensive than fucking cable though, dude. Not if you add them all the go. No, Netflix is 8 bucks. How much did HBO go, Jeff? Oh, that's like 20 something. I mean, it comes with

HBO, so you got to get HBO first which is 20 bucks a month. Yeah, it's like 20 bucks a month. So it's like, yeah, you have the option. You can like pull up Netflix and watch fucking Childs Play 9 9 and the Tooth Fairy starring the rock. If you're one of these people who... I love him. They're pretty much

they're... What they own, they own, a desk, a computer, in a computer chair, and all they do is sit there, and watch Netflix in Torn in movies all day, then fine. You do that, plus you have a TV wasting 50 bucks a month, though, in the background. So, like, sitting in my living room and watch TV.

So what? Truthfully, people that have, like, Gable TV, they sit in... You said Gable? You said Gable. You said Gable. That's pretty fucked up right there. Why is it fucking? He's some Gable. No.

No, so people that... Hold on, guys. Do, like, a pause for laughter there. Okay. So it's like, TV is their recreation. Everybody that I know that uses Netflix doesn't use it the way the normal person does. Everybody I know that uses Netflix and Hulu and all that shit. They put it on as background noise for when they're working.

So it's pseudo entertainment in the background. You're not sitting down on watching it. Cable TV is a constant feed of things that tons of people pay for for a reason. Okay, yeah. And here's the one big plus to cable television, Zach Ari, okay? Sports. Fuck sports. No.

Well, if you want to say fuck sports and cable TV doesn't exist anymore. No, what I'm saying is if you have a DVD, are set up, right? Yeah. Like, I know that there are certain shows that only, like, if I want to watch them on Netflix a week or two weeks later, maybe, sometimes a month later with, like, Game of Thrones or something shit like that. Or you can't be, like, one hour after they're online.

From what, you can't do that with, like, you know what? You can't do you. If I want to be a fucking thief and a little shit, and I've got my ad block on and I'm fucking jacking off in my diaper, like a fucking ass. I'm starving here. I don't make any money. I'm paying for $50. To be for free.

I'm cheap. I pay $100 a month to have some guy coming. I'm in... Zach, Zach, did you pay for Flash? Did you pay for Flash? Let's pay... I actually did once. You know what?

You know something this is true? I tore it in three different versions of Flash. The one actually bought for $800, the one time I ever paid for it, it was broken. That's why I tore it stuff. You know, Zach, you're part of the entitled generation. Oh, you're doing shit too, Jeff. I'm not paying for anything. I haven't bought Flash, Photoshop.

I did buy Flash. Liar. Yeah, 2002, you liar. You liar. That's not true. I am such a good... I am such a supporter of independent artists

that I purchase songs off of iTunes and Band Camp. He never told me to anything before? No, yeah, that's right. Mick is always shoving his band camp songs in our face. Sorry, I love music. And I love to support artists

who work hard. That's fine. Great! I see that. Who can't just torrent their guitars, who actually have to buy guitars and then make beautiful music for us. I bought an album off of Band Camp.

I've definitely about things of iTunes. I bought, you know, the last thing I bought iTunes or anything. The last thing I bought was Ninja Sex Parties album. I went to support some friends. I wanted to support some artists. Yeah. Ninja Sex Party's album was great and then you also, did you get the Star Bomb album? No, I didn't buy that. Did you get the second one? No. You know, there's a third one coming. I didn't buy any of them. Why didn't you buy it, Zach? Because they don't like the music. I don't like it. I don't like everybody involved. What? I have to like everything all my friends make? Yes. I guarantee there's Tons of videos I've made you guys hate.

What video game would you like them to rap about next? Call a boy an RPG? I don't know, dude. What do kids play these days? Do you think your friends are good rappers? I'm not keeping any of this. Oh, bummer. I thought I was a pretty good rapper for a little bit.

Stamper is the best one. Until you fucking... Wait, you want a Starball? No, he meant rapper in general. He said which one of your friends are the best rappers? And you just shot me down. Stamper's all right. Stampers wrap.

Wrap about apples. Yo, I like apples. You got to... You guys, just cut the apple. I don't give a shit. Check it. Granny Smith. Apples.

My favorite is Stamper. Stamper keep rapping for us. Give us a little wrap. Come on. How easy... How easy is you to come up with constant rhyming words? Because I can't do that.

Apples. I can't. I see. You try to mix. Stop. Bull. Okay, I'll give you better subject. Go back, go back, go.

All right. Big, check this out. Subject. Uh, uh, circumcision. I got my dick cut. What the fuck. I don't like it much. Hey, hey, dad.

Why'd you do that for me? Not my pee. It's bleeding. That's actually not bad. Have you ever seen from Scary movie 3? I know it's not the best movie, but it's what he's in the fucking...

Did that just rhyme with what I said? Not my pee-pee. is bleeding. Did you ever see that scene from scary movie three? It's not bad, but keep going. I'm talking about the cut version, by the way. Did it sound like a rap? Yeah.

Okay. Anyways. What were we to be talking about? I don't know. So let's see one more topic. We never talk about showers in school, high school. High school showering in high school. Oh yeah, you guys brought this up earlier.

What were you talking about? Yeah, yeah, right. With high school. Here, really. What? Hey, shh, shh, quiet. You fucking goose. B-r-r-Bing!

Locker rooms, my dick is small. And the shower room stopped. When you guys got to high school. Everyone points and laughs. Because my dick is small. Wait, you already said that. Because my dick is stuck in my ass. No.

When you guys got to high school. What's that? When you guys got to high school and you got your first day of gym class, did the gym teacher say, you got a big wide open shower room where you're all dreading the public showers. No, see, my,

My gym teacher always said, hey, go fucking take a shower or whatever you need to do. And he was just working off a mindset from the fucking 70s. But we had stand-up showers that nobody ever used. I was going to say what he said. Nobody ever used it. Everyone just stank. Everybody in real school was like, dude. Everyone sprayed cologne all over the man.

Yeah. You do the French shower. Yeah. Go ahead. Sorry. I was just going to add one little footnote to what Stamper said. Yeah, at middle school everyone was like, dude, you have to get the high school showers. Everyone's going to put their finger up your ass and, you know, call you.

gay and stuff. I was like, oh no. But I went there and nobody ever used the shower. Only like one freaky kid with, you know, would smell, the weird... The weird kids used the shower. It was always like the Russian import that used to the shower. Like the kid that wasn't used to Americans. Who'd walk in there, just dropped her, caches, cashing in the floors.

He walked around and showered. You don't shit in the shower. Smelled the rest of the day. No, everybody had axe showers. You'd spray yourself with eggs. But your gym, your gym clothes would be in a little locker that you keep there. And man, every time you open that locker, it was like a bomb went off. thought I had a long way before that.

I didn't do very good in gym. Yeah. I still don't need to work. Dude, here's how in my gym class, we had a big open shower room that was, like,

the whole room was like one big room with the showers. The gym, the gym coach pretty much stood in the middle of the room and he's like, he stood there with his fucking clipboard and he made sure every,

every guy in there, he's like, if you don't take a shower, you're getting docked points. I'm docking you. Dude, yeah, we're faggots? Oh my God.

It's easy to call him gay, but he was definitely, like, he was like some crazy war veteran. He did not seem gay, no matter. He could stand there watching nude boys all day long. He could have his dick in your butt and he would not be gay. So he just sits there and, like, scrutinizes you while you're clean. And he's like, clean out your foreskin. Make sure it's really clean. And then you just go to math class and everything's fine.

Put that soap down, son. I'm going to show you how it's done. As long as you made it to under shower head, he counted you, but. Wow. Did you, did it a boy? But he got his penis with his hands? Yeah, they were definitely bashful ones. They were, you know, they would play with fuck with each other.

Like, some kid told me to, he dropped the soap in front of me and told me to pick it up. I didn't fall for it, but then the kid next to me fell for it. And what happened? It was a prison? Everybody just started. Fucking with him. Like, you're like, oh, you picked up the soap. He used to be a good spirit.

You would last a day in the big house. Yeah, something like that. Did they ever make fun of your curly pigtail wiener? No. Aha! You do have a curly pigtail wiener. Bingo Curly fry

I walked in a shower holding it out straight and I'm like Straight Yeah I look at you Yeah As the whole

podcast was leading up To this moment I just wanted to To make sure Everyone knew You smoked about At the end It was all a ruse

To find out About your curly Fry weiner Does anybody have a pigtail weaner In their life I hope Ducks do

Ducks do Ducks have curly Yeah they do Oh yeah You know No ducks have Corkscrew Wieners

They look like Wine bottle Openers No pig tails They stop at a second. So it's saying that somebody has a pigtail wiener is comical because it's short anchor. Bingo. But then a duck's wiener is like nine feet long and it spirals all the way down. I think that's equally comedic, honestly. I'm the last person that wants to talk about dicks more on this fucking

podcast, but I'll say this. Animal dicks are almost like magic. How they go from nothing to two feet long and back to nothing. And they're always strange shapes as well. Yeah. That's kind of like my dick though. I mean it's about an inch long when it's soft but when it's hard it's like two feet long. They just get they turn in like your growl on shore. I am. Asians mostly are actually Asians don't really. I'm backwards when my

dick normally when it's flaccid is like nine feet long but when I'm hard it retracts it's back in your body it's like two inches hard. It's like one of those it's like if you took a worm and you stretched it really thin but when you let go of it when it comes back

together the girth like it It gets shorter, but its girth is really thin. No, yeah, it contracts like something out of the cosmos. It, like, focuses in on itself. The density of your dick. The power is... It's like a neutron star. The power, yeah, it's like a neutron.

It's just, like, the power's there, and then it's... It's like Thor's hammer. Like, it's only about, you know, four inches long, but literally it could collapse a star. And it only works when Odin whispers in the... The only person who can jack it off his fucking Thor. Would you be with the chick if she was really a whisperer to the guy's dickholes? Yeah, I gotta tell you a secret

You'd be like, you'd put your ear, be like, what's up? And she'd be like, no, no, no. And she'd go down and be like, I'm so, she was a giggling and stuff. Would you feel subconscious? And then my dick flies at her like Thor and she grabs it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeff is loving this. I've seen weird or shit?

No, that fly in the bedroom, you know what I'm saying? There's a lot of weird finishes out there, though. I don't get the ones that are like that we're going to do them once, like the death fetishes. How is that a fetish? That's the ultimate fetish. Is it the desire? But it's not the death, though.

it's the desire to have death. I guess, but there are people who actually do it. Like, there's that guy who has penis cut off and died. Yeah. What was his actual fetish, though? Yeah. To have his penis cut off and die? I don't know, man, I guess that.

I don't know. I feel like his fetish was attention. I mean, it's hard. I mean, because he did it on camera, right? There's a lot of people that their fetishes are attention. I mean, look at the fucking pain Olympics. That a dude lays his balls and dick across the cutting board. I always heard that was fake.

And smashes it with, no. Well, maybe a couple of them. But he'll just lay his dick and balls out, and then he'll hatch him with the hatchet. and cut them with the smash. Those guys have to immediately regret that. Well, yeah, but, you know, they get their 15 minutes of fame. And, you know, that's what they wanted the whole time.

Yeah, but it's like you can't really exploit that anyway except for that. You can't walk with, like, yeah. In your mind, do you think a fetish is something that you have to constantly revisit it? Like, getting choked while you're... When I think the fetish, I do think it's consistent. Like, it's an addiction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can only ever do that once.

So what's that, like a super fetish? I don't know, man. I don't know what that would be as stupid is what it is. It's a goal. It's a life goal. Have you been with... Name something that a girl has asked you to do when you've been with her

that you were just completely uncomfortable with. I never got the choking thing. Yeah. The choking needs a couple of them, but I was just like, I've always in front of them, like, you know, they're going to request me harder

and you're going to crush their fucking would have to kill them. You can't kill somebody that easy. I don't know. Maybe my penis is rallying me up so much that I crushed them. That does seem like a thing you would do accidentally. Yeah, it's my luck to kill somebody.

I just imagine you, like, naked, and your wiener, flopping around the dead body on the bed and you've got your, you're like, what do I do? Just like, Zach running around in the bedroom. The worst part would be like, do I finish and just say I finished before it happened? You know what I mean? You mean finish having sex? Yeah, come and be like, oh, I, and then told the cops, like, no, no, it happened before she died.

It happened as she. What do you think the law is on that? Because I have been asked by multiple people to choke them while we're having sex. Now, let's say they die. Do I go to jail? How hard are you choking people? No, I'm not, look, I'm not saying I. You killed some people.

killed someone. I've never, I haven't ever killed. Where are they building that? I'm asking what would happen if someone did that they were asked by their partner. This is a submissive mindset and you're like going in there with both hands trying to kill them. At best, it's charged with second degree murder and you'd go to jail. Yeah.

But do you think the cops would believe you? Or they just thought like, it wouldn't matter. Oh. Why are you choking them to death? I don't know. That's what I don't get. Because you're like, ha, ha, ha, ha! You had you had your handslips. What if they just keep screaming screaming harder and harder and they're like, ha ha ha ha! Even if there was a video, the person like,

Arder! You still, your head still killed to me. He still probably go to jail. No, I suppose as soon as their eyes started bugging out and they like passed out,

that would be kind of your cue to be like let go and then maybe do some mouth to mouth or something. You probably knock somebody out before you killed them. Yeah, you probably, actually you would, I think, knock them out before you killed them. Just pull my hands up, come on up and run away.

Yeah. But you do that anyway. You do that at the playground. Dude, you did that last Thursday and you blamed it on Mick. Yeah. It's like a dog. It's easy to do.

Just, Zach was up in a tree, just wagging off of me. kids on the teeter totter. Someone thought it was bird shit. They're like, oh, gross. How do you whack off on a teeter totter? From a tree. Whack off?

Your story is one, sir. My fetishes having no finishes. That's pretty fucking... My addiction is not having an addiction. Fuck you. I'm too good. And air and organic foods.

You know what they say? Everything in moderation, even moderation. Who said that? Ernest Hemingway? Uh, no. Buddha. I'm pretty sure Ernest Hemingway said that. Who's dated cook, you idiots. Oh. You should end on, stand on, stay up and doing the wrap.

No, hold on. Fuck that. Fuck the rap. You guys want to go grab some Burger King, some Wendy's? This podcast, brought to you by Burger King and Wendy's. See you later. This podcast is brought to you by your heart disease. I could eat some food.

Let's wrap this shit. Let's go to a diner, I think. Because there's a lot of places open on it. I know fast food is open. Let's go to a diner. Here is go. Come on. Hey, hurry.

Give a meat. Wait, I was gonna give you the next verse. Give a bit honey. We need to go to a diner. That sounds fine, sir. Let's get a... Let's get a burger. Choke, you have to say choke, choke, choke, choke, choke.

Hey, burger doesn't rhyme with fucking diner, all right, asshole. You can make it if you're a lyrical genius like me. Okay, let's try, okay, the lyrical genius. He's said it again. genius his brain as big as his tiny penis if you haven't seen it then you better see this I'm gonna stick it up listen our master especially at cut a legress it's right

all right yeah let's make me out of breath keep going too fat I'm too fat you try it I got an idea yeah there you go Zach is too fat

breath. Boom, boom. Then he's good to face death. You got it? I'm not breaking bad, but I'm pretty sad. You ain't breaking bad, but you're feeling sad. That's because you ain't rad. You haven't needed a reason for all white guys to be wiped out.

This is it. Show this any black guy and he'd be like, oh my God. I'm done. That's right. The one of reverse slavery is because of this. Are we ending this now? Watch this. Check this out. On this, guys.

Okay. I'm ready. Make it happen. after the beep. Hey, pussy. You guys can't wrap me, little bitch. Just check this out. Oh, Jesus, I was crucified.

Don't cross me. I'm gonna nail you. And my dick is big. And, man, it's all so black and it's got a lot of stretch marks because it's so fucking big. And my dad is God. You don't know if my dad is,

you little bitch. My dick is big and frothy. Don't cross me. My dick is big and frothy. Don't cross me. Put that on the end of it. My name is Jesus. Don't cross me.

They buried me for three days. I moved a rock, see? I take us out. I rose again My dad's the boss See God see I rose again

After three days Didn't even leave Viagra So I was gonna fuck Check this out My dick is three inches Even though the son of God Isn't that fucked up

You think he'd like I Rows up to the challenge Blue pills The truth kills That was for my ass You fucking idiot Thank you.