SleepyCabin - SleepyCast Lost Episode - [The Sanksquatch]

Episode Date: September 18, 2014

Sorry to subject you to the most IDIOTIC AND POINTLESS DISCUSSION OF THE DECADE. http://sleepycabin.com/audio/sleepycast-the-sanksquatch/ This episode starring: Stamper (www.youtube.com/StamperTV) Psychicpebbles (www.youtube.com/Psychicpebbles) Spazkid (www.youtube.com/Spazkidin3d) JohnnyUtah (http://johnnyutah.newgrounds.com) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Yo, we're on Patreon if you wanna throw us a buck! http://www.patreon.com/SleepyCabin +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ SleepyCabin Official Site! http://www.sleepycabin.com SleepyCabin on YouTube! http://www.youtube.com/SleepyCabin Stay tuned on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/SleepyCabin ...or Twitter! https://twitter.com/sleepycabin +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ We're on iTunes, too! Search for SleepyCabin!

This is a sleepy cast lost episode. The Sank Squatch, featuring Stamper, Psychic Pebbles, Johnny Utah, and Spaz Kid. My name is Captain Dickhead. Sometimes I piss in the sink because I like pretending the drain is my mom's mouth. Let's do a topic because we've kind of like gone, you know, doing shooting. Oh, Corey, this is big news. I would have talked about this. I swear to God. I'm curious to get your thought about this

National Geographic, right? Are you into animals and stuff? They used to love National Geo-Rathing. They discovered a new type of Sasquatch. Really? They discovered it. They found the body. Really? Yes. So the whole Skaskatch thing is actually... It's different species.

They actually found two different species. There's a Sasquatch. What's classified... Sank Squatch? What's classified as a Sasquatch? What exactly is a saskatch? It's a different kind. They discovered to a Zyg Squatch Swach. They are... I believe it, they said there was somewhere between 8-3 and 9-foot-5. Something about that.

But the Sajquatch is bigger than the Saskwatch. What is it? It's a Saskatch. It looks exactly like the Saskatch, but... It's bigger. What is it? What is it? It's about three inches taller.

It's a... It's a Saskatch. It's a big gorilla ape. It's a man, it looks like Saskatch. Bigfoot, sorry. You know what Bigfoot is? They believe a Saskatch was like a common... Ancester.

Like, we split off from, like, people. monkeys and saskatch. Is this true? Yes, but they discovered a sagsquatch is why it's a big deal? It's exactly like a saskatch, but it's two inches taller. It looks the exact same, but it's just about two inches taller.

Where is the saskatch located? It's sag squatch. They found it in Nebraska. Gives a shit. What would you do if you saw a sag squash? I wouldn't be able to tell a difference. Does it terrifying? Is it a bigger saskatch?

Is he going to fuck with me? A sag squash? I wouldn't fuck with a sacksquatch. but they're now people, people are getting furious for these Sank squatches, you know, stealing pies up of windows. The problem is the town people were totally cool to Sasquatch, but then they, this, like...

The bigger Sasquatch. This two inch taller Sasquash comes in, and they're like, this is unacceptable. Because it's fucking with the townspeople, it's like smashing mailboxes over. So the Sank Squatch... It's a nuisance. The sacks...

Stealing pies. I swear to God, it's been stealing pies out of the windowsills. This sounds, babe, I swear to God, look it up. I'm saying it. Yeah. The Sank Squatch is a nuisance. pies that are cooling on windowsills. People are taking shotguns, and farmers are shooting these sanksquatches,

blowing entire chunks of their heads off. As they run down a few with a pie, you know, blowing them in the back. It seems like a logical stance on it. They don't get arrested either because they're classified as animals. With these pies, you know, looking backwards, these hot steaming pies. So what you're telling me is these hot, these delicious blueberry pies just being star. Hold on, hold on. I don't know how you've got to make them.

I can't sleep when I think of a safe. Sane squatches are Sank. S-A-N-K-S-A-K-S-A-K-S-A-S-A-K-S-C-T. They're fevery stealing chicken-P-P-P-P-P-Pies. The whole town had to stop cooking blueberry-pau-Pies because... Blueberry Pop-Pas? What the hell is the blueberry pie? Sorry, blueberry pies. Poor pies in general. They don't even sell blueberries in the town anymore because these things... The Seng-Squatch is going down to the blueberry bulbs and fucking stepping on the blueberries. They all have to switch over to apple pies and everybody's unhappy by it. That's what happens when fucking Sain-Squatch is steal your pies.

You just swap for another fruit. Corey, let's say you... Alright, well, how would you feel if you fucking, you were Grandma Thor and you made a pie? Or, like the fucking Marvel character? I don't know. You spent 40 minutes... Grable Iron Man? You spent 40 minutes making your fucking pie.

Yeah. You put love into it. What? Okay, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, grabbing on the old gravel pie. How do you know? Heads for the heels? How did your brain first go to Grandma Thor and then know that it honestly takes

40 minutes to cook a pie. Does it? Was that just a random number you threw out? Yeah. Does it take 40 minutes? Yeah, it's from start to finish to make a pie. See, only... They just want the pie to cool in the nice, fresh mountain air. Corey, I swear to guys, this is a big issue. Okay. In a Virginia town.

All right. Blueberry Farbs completely stepped on. There's videos of these hundreds of sakesquatches running and smashing these these blueberry bars. It's not funny. It's not funny at all. It's really... Seriously. It's really... Seriously. It's live. Okay, I've seen... I guess I

have seen a sain squatch. He was heading towards the town. These people... This is a joke. No, I fucking swear to God. I was... I saw these... People in Alaska are having a serious problem.

Would you let me finish? I saw these sandsquatches hunched over, heading into... They don't hudge. No. They don't walk like... No, they don't walk like fucking penguins, okay?

They were hunched over... Is not a penguin? That's a scary. That's a scary... No, it's not. That's not. They went to the... They went to the...

Shut up. They went to the berry shop out town. They found a handful of fucking blueberries... A canful or a handful or a handful? Handful. Then they run out. They run out. They fucking spill them. They trip over the manholes and then they head into the alley. You're saying these sakes splotches are right in the street. Tripping over manhole and blueberries. What the fuck you talk? I've seen it. I thought it was a person. Now that I know it's a sane squatch.

Now I know there's no eight-foot people. And I... All of New Mexico can't have blueberries now. But what do you think should be done about this? So they're just buying blueberries now? No, they're not buying them. They're stealing them. You can hear the foreign... What's California supposed to do without blueberries? What's terrifying is the sun? Slosh squash is steal you all of the strawberries.

Wait, what? That's one inch taller than the same squash. Wait, hold on. What? The slotch squash. The slotch squash. Slotch squash. Does he slouch? No, slotch.

That's slouch. There is a sunk squatch. Suncquatch is even more turn-fitting. On average, an inch and a half smaller than the... So they steal strawberries. They don't... No, they just give you compliments. They give you compliments.

How's it going? Oh, get the fuck away from you. It doesn't talk to you. It kind of like... They think it's a compliment. It kind of like gives you a compliment. comes up and it runs away and they're like, yeah, it's, alright, it's the saskwatch. What's terrifying is these sugsquatches go give you couples why you're making the pies.

So, you know, these old ladies are horrified. And a lot of these farmers are killing sugsquatches, thinking of their sagsclotches trying to steal their pies. It's a horrible epidemic. Honestly, it's terrifying. But they can't. Yeah, they can't see. They don't know. A sux squash runs as high.

Good pie. You know, they get blasted. Put your fucking pie in the fridge if you want to cool it up, okay? This isn't the 80s or 50s. You don't put fucking pies on the windows seals, old ladies. You don't put pies on the windowsill, okay? First of all, there's no... You're ruining it.

You were born transgender, so you have no opinion here, okay? You can't just throw facts out like you fucking white privileged male. You're not sitting there trying to preach in me like you fucking know the world. You're not squashed gender, Corey. You don't know what you're talking about. Listen, if I saw a sandal squatch or a saskwatch or a sackclotch or a sackcloth. A sandal squash doesn't exist. Don't be fucking ridiculous. All right, whatever.

Stick to the facts here. If I saw a sag swatch, is that what it's called? Not really, either sank. A sank swatch. You complimenting me? I would be like, thank you for the... Shut up.

I'd be like, thank you for the compliment. A sag squatch would never compliment you would fucking steal your pie. Who the fuck compliments then? What's horrifying is they run at people with their fingers out like this and poke you in the eyes and run away. A sank squatch?

Yeah, the saskatch just likes to hug people. Where's the satchel squatches? Satchel squaches. That's what they call it? They're in Russia. Those are the prosa. The ones they're The ones that compliment.

The ones they compliment. That's a sloth squash. A slosh? No, that's not. That's not a slosh. Yeah, yeah. Those are the ones that give you the thumbs up. No, that's a sats.

That's a sux squash. Dude, no, see, with those, it's like, they're compliments, but they're backhanded compliments. I feel like, I feel like more like the, I feel like the, I feel like the, they say something nice but they're bringing it out. Hey, you finally wore a good shirt. What's the, what does that mean? Hold on. What's the other saskwatch? What's the other saskwatch.

There's Sok Squatch, Satsquatch, Sank Squatch, it's Sank Squatch. It was a Sank Squatch. Okay, hold, shut up. Okay, there was a Sank Squatch. He goes up, he grabs the berries. He's fucking wild. The other one's like, oh, hey, it's a nice... Bob, it's a Sucquatch.

He's copy of you. Yeah, yeah, he's like, hey, that's a very nice dress. He's... He's fooling. He's... Shut up. He's fooling the old lady, and the Seng Squatch is stealing the blueberry pies and leaving.

It's clearly a fucking conspiracy with the saskwatch. They don't work together. Okay, okay. How the fuck can you not? I guarantee if you cut If you cut a satsquatch, if you caught a slapskwatch and a saskatch, I guarantee

that they were tossing berries to each other. When they went out the door, they were throwing berries to each other. Oh, they were in it together. Yeah, exactly. That's why they're so rare, Corey, they massacre each other. Yeah, they fight guns.

They just kill each other. The scientists believe there were, some like 17 subgroups of saskwatches. Yeah, here's the biggest problem with your bullshit. theory. Blueberries? Strawberries. Why would they share berries with each other if they don't like blueberries and strawberries independently? Dumbass. What likes blueberries? What likes strawberries? It's pretty fucking simple.

You have strawberries on one side. The sunk squatch is just like... No, shut up, Jeff. Sunk squatches are like avocados, though. I don't like berries. They have... Yeah, yeah. They got a bad rap. Bad rap because one of them stole strawberries. All right, listen, all right, have you ever heard of the combination of wildberry? It is a mixture of all the berries, and it's Hawaiian Punch. It's a whole bunch of different fucking fruit products that

use wild berry. You know, what's... Hawaiian Punch isn't a bearer, Joe, Matt. Hawaiian Punch isn't a Barry. I didn't say, I said it was used in Hawaiian Pearl. You know what's hilarious, what you're fucking ignorant? Is that a Sank Squatch actually drank Hawaiian Punch? And his fucking melted.

Where's the dangle swatches? They died off hundreds of years ago. You fucking know that. Have you heard of them, the Megalow Squatch? It's 35 feet tall. Corey. Really? Yeah.

I'm serious. 35 megal squotch yeah that's the biggest that's the biggest like half of the Empire State building close about about a third let's talk about that's what I meant I meant a third yeah he could don't that they didn't even need to cut they snap trees like they would build forts with full-sized trees how fuck is nobody seen it 35 foot we're dead megal's all the bellies was the bagels they creep through the woods like solid snake yeah yeah they very even though they could stand on two legs, they very rarely did because they didn't want to stand out. We got the saskwatch.

No, in order. Sunk squatch. Saskwatch. Saskwatch. Satskwatch. Soutch. What about the slunk swatch? I said the first one. Slugsk...

What about the manglo swash? Squatch. Menglo squash. Squatch. Squatch. Squatch. Squatch. All right.

Where do they live? In the mountains? In the forest? In the trees. In your backyard sometimes. Megal squatch lived down an island. It's gone long, like long sunk. to the sea, so...

Called Hawaii. It's an ancient land. It was a Hawaiian island, but it's underwater now. Jeff, would you like to tell Corny what that island was called? Because, you know, surprise, corn, what the island was actually... What the island was called? What the island was called? Where the megal is Squatch Row.

What's a... It was... It was... Squatch Mania is the name of the island. Could you believe that? Squatch... Squatch... Squatch... Squatch... It wasn't... It wasn't spelled like M-A-N-I-A.

It was like M-A-N-E-A. I think... M-N... It's a Hawaiian. M-A-Y-Y-A-M-A-M-A-M-A-M-A-A-M-A-A-K-L-A-A-C-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-A-L-C-A-L-A-C-A-L-L-A-L-C-A-L-A-L-A-R? What do they steal? No, I'm not saying... The Megalo Squatch did like pineapple and coconut.

I mean, that makes sense, he was on an island. That's why he's so pissed because... Realistically... ...pylact is so small. Realistically, a 35-A-R-R-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-E-Lers are actually six inches across. They could just eat coconuts whole. They didn't have to break the shells or anything. They swallowed coconuts like grapes, like those little baby like raisins.

That's kind of why coconuts evolved the way they did on the island because Megalosquatch could just eat them as is. There was no need to break them or anything. I can understand that. What about the bananas? Because that's another thing that's that I mean. They had a hard time feeling them because their fingers were so big. Well, they were wild bananas.

They were very small, ugly, bitter little things. They didn't even like them, so. And ever gone to a store and saw a big. There's actually a recording. There's ancient recordings of what a Megalow Squatch. It sounded like whenever he ate a banana. Jeff, you know, Hold the fuck on.

I was going on a tangent about something important. Have you ever gone to the store and saw a tiny bunch of small bananas? And have you ever thought, wow, I think I'm going to buy those cute little bananas for $5? What the books are? Talking about extinct monsters here, Corey. Actually, yeah, I have. You know, it's great to him. I have, yeah.

But you never did because it's like, I wouldn't even be hungry. Because I'm afraid. And you would ruin, you would ruin the delicacy of small bananas. Not to humor Corey here. What about the bananas? they're selling, they're actually like brown and black. Like, like, oh, and that's how the hell they are. Oh, you want to tell you something?

My dad. Did you ever see those really tiny grapes? I can tell you something. My dad, he used to, I personally like bananas when they're yellow, but a little like, blue. Like, greenish yellow. My dad used to get bananas when they were like, fucking, like, gross brown, like,

leaking, like disgusting banana stuff. You pick it up, fruit flies pour out by, like, the dozens, and he'd just put in his mouth, rubbing around. Well, most people eat bananas that way, when they're almost rotten. It's gross. I like normal bananas.

You like banana bread? I like yellow bananas. You like banana bread? Yeah. Well, that's how you make it. Yeah, but you're not eating a disgusting fucking banana pile. You're eating a delicious banana bread. Do you know they had bananas in Egypt?

You know how they knew that? I shook my head. They found pot. Get this. They found pottery, right? You know how like they'd spin pottery? They'd chape pottery on a pottery wheel? That's true.

Yeah. There were very subtle sound waves in the pottery group. the sound weight the end of the needles Like a record Yeah they'd actually scan the pottery And they could scan the minute soundways And they played it back

And an Egyptian was actually heard saying Mm-mm I like bananas Passed one of those bananas But it was in Egyptian He's like past those bananas They're good Yeah oh yeah he said a gypsy He said bananas

It's like the Pharaoh likes bananas It's actually like It goes You know it's recorded saying Who cares Yeah. So they figured that out, and the best thing they could put on a pot was, I like, banana. Well, they did, the sound...

It was casual competition in the room. Yeah, there was casual competition in the room. They didn't know the pot was actually picking up these minute sound waves in the grooves. They were, well, as they were making the pot. Oh, the sound got trapped in the pot. It's like the pottery. Yeah. Essentially putting little divvets as they were spinning it, trapping the sound.

Have you ever read those really, like, really, really old recordings were like 1880? that they've recovered, they're like, scand and replayed? Yeah, I heard one from your, uh, that your mom recorded. Did she go? Bad stamper!

Because you said 1880. Stop. No. That means she's really old. That's not true. I can bet you that much. Well, finish your thought, though. Have you heard it before?

No. It's, it's the creepiest thing because of talking like us, but it's really filtered and weird. I just wonder, what are you, the fucking dude for that one movie?

Come out to play? What is that movie? The Warriors. Is it? Yeah. He's doing the fucking even with the bottles on those movies over there. What are you talking about? You fucking clanking the bottles. Like, they did it for that movie. Corey, come out to play.

Who are the bears? The bears? Bears and the Sangal squatches. The sangalosquatches? Sangloos squatches were an offshoot of the Sasquatch and they're so horrifying. They're very similar, though. They look exactly the same and everything,

but they just... If we told you with the sangal squatch, you'd cry. Not to be confused with the Anglo-Squatches that were civilized and had villages. They were Anglo-Saxis and said it's but sad-squatch. It seemed like you had a very primitive religious religion to the rest. Realistically, if a pretty Sasquatch lady went up to you, asked you out on a date. How would she do that, Corey? Give me your best sad-squatch lady. She yanks you by your fucking yard, pulls your arm out of the soccer.

They do the voice, though. She's like, how am I going to know that she's asking me on a date? That could just be a gorilla that you found in the woods. She kisses you. I shit my pants are fun What if What if, all right, what is, this is actually what they do, this is their real meeting thing

They walk up, they're standing in the street And one walks up and stairs at you right And they, they bear their teeth And then they pull their vagina apart And they're like, ah And then they stand there With this their vagina open And they just wait there

Do they go They do this with their tongue They wait, they wait They do that pussy-licking thing that they did? Yeah If you go over hurt And they'd be like, what do you want from me? They'll actually, if they think you're aroused, they'll shit as they're standing there too.

Sprang shit while their pussy's open. Can I leave? You can't, but it'll fucking... It'll chase you down. If you turn your back on it while it's doing this, it will kill you. This is a very sensitive moment when it's in its mating call. So you have to do something, I guess. You have to kind of, if you want to deny it, if you want to very politely deny it,

you have to just go put your pan on his face. He'd just be like, oh. I would get him with the oldest trick in the book. I'd be like, your shoes are untied. I'd run. Doesn't understand English, Corey. It's like always your solution. Corey, you need to pay your taxes.

I'd run. I'd tell the IRS, their shoes are tied. They'd say, okay, you're under arrest. They'd say, gotcha. Maybe this is why he's on a fucking wheelchair and how every dream he has. However, he knows how guilty he should be. That doesn't make sense, because if they were

like, you need to pay your taxes, I'm like, well, okay, I guess I'll pay my taxes now. If you guys, have you guys see that doctor? Your shoes are in tired. You'll never figure it out. They look down. I'm not. I can tell the IRS their shoes are untied.

I wouldn't. Your shoes are on tied? They'd be like, no, it's not. No, sir, we check that. We checked column 2B to make sure that our shoes were tied. So you can't check columns? He'd say, yeah, I can. So you're still breaking the law.

So please stop. I always get weird out when I see these documentaries or like interviews of people who... Start over? I wasn't listening because I don't like you. Have you received like an interview or like a documentary of people who claim to interact with Sasquatches or aliens or reptilians? Yes. No, I don't watch bullshit. I just wonder why they...

Are they really trying to get attention? No, I don't watch bullshit. I saw this one lady, I swear to God, on the subject to Sasquatches. You could find it somewhere. It was this lady who lives in a trailer park. Yeah. No, it was like in the middle of the woods. And she says, I know Sasquatch. He and I are best friends. He goes by every...

Oh, yeah, I saw that. And she's like, how is he talking? You are my friend? Like, basically like, Caesar from Planet of the Apes. Yeah. You've seen this? Yeah. And she describes how the Sasquatch tackles the deer and kills it.

Yeah, and she lives alone. Yeah. Nobody likes her. And she says she grabs the Sasquatch hair off the Sasquatch when he asks for tea for his coffee. Yeah. I mean, I mean, sugar for his coffee. Yeah, he comes in and asks her for human things like mustard for his hot dogs. We need mustard for deer.

Yeah. I just watch documentaries about murdered kids. I don't know why. I watch. I know why. I have a feeling To see how smart cops are nowadays What could I do?

Yeah, watch all these CSI shows Not because I like them I just want to get away with See what they're doing Well it's like you believe like People that are like When people are talking about Their experiences

They always open up with the same cliche shit If you were abducted by aliens You're not gonna be like Well, and then they just took me out of my bedroom And then I And then No, but that's what you always hear That's what you always fucking hear

But you never hear the guy It's like And then this happened I don't know what the hell Maybe it's a government thing It's always some casual person It's like and then It's always some

If it is it's some like chick with like She's all these like crazy like alien paraphernalia And her hair Yeah Like fucking planet doilies hanging from her hair And she's like Where do you live? I thought aliens

It's like I live in West Virginia In Arizona In a one bedroom house by myself And you're like oh okay Was the last time you heard an alien sighting from Japan? They have Asia, for example. What are you talking about which sightings? It's so weird because a lot of these sightings are depend on the culture.

So we have, so sleep paralysis is supposed to be like the biggest reason for alien abductions. People in Japan, you know, I think it's Asian countries. Yes, people, people in Japan or other Asian countries, I appreciate Japan. Sorry for it's racist. Anyways, people in Japan can't move, but they say they see witches, say the alien stories. They say they see witches. Oh, like old hags? Yeah, no, yeah.

They say they see old hags walk into the room. It's the same exact kind of verbatim story as aliens except for with a witch instead. Are we done? No. Never. That was, the Sank Squatch. Join us next time on Sleepycast. When I poop, I don't have to push.

It just falls out of my body because my anus is so huge. Goodbye.