SleepyCabin - SleepyCast S2:Lost Episode - [The Day We All Lost Our Virginity At The Same Time]

Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a Sleepy Cast Lost episode. The day we all lost our virginity at the same time. Featuring Psychic Pibbles, Johnny Utah, Spaz Kid, Oni, Stamper, Rice Pirate, Nile, and introducing the newest member of the Sleepy Cabin. Steve, Blackface Steve, my name is Captain Dickhead. When I was young, my father painted my little ass who'll pink to look like a pussy, so he wouldn't feel gay when he fucked me. My name is Captain Dickhead.

Starting point is 00:00:43 My name is Captain Dickhead. Sometimes I wipe my butt crack with cold raw bacon, so whenever I fart, packs of local dogs come and keep me company. Where the fuck are these bozos? It's not like they're busy making cartoons for YouTube. I guess I'll wait for them to stop blowing each other Wanna hear a great song Guess what song this is Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do girls just want to have fun

Starting point is 00:01:29 Okay Sigh What the fuck am I doing with my life Sigh How did I even get here? Sigh, sigh, sigh. Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to finally come clean and get the record straight. Woo, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Starting point is 00:01:55 The year was March 8th. I was born a little baby in the black heart of America. Two hardworking French immigrants. My life was as normal as it gets. My father, Walter, was a French immigrant who worked full-time on our farm, tending to the cattle and horses and fucking the field mice. In 1951, all of that changed when my father was drafted to the Korean War, while my father was gone fighting those sneaky, sneaky, sneaky gooks.

Starting point is 00:02:32 My mother was forced to raise me. I was a naughty little baba, and you were. to eat my own poopie to defy my mother who was a good Christian lady when my father left I became very quiet and introverted the only thing that ever made me laugh was when my mother would pull her Sunday pant down and make her vagina talk to me and tell me to eat my peas it always made me laugh aha ha ha my poor lonely mama started doubting whether or not my father would ever return from war at all and started sniffing around for a brand new winger.

Starting point is 00:03:17 She started talking to Mr. Adams the ugly ice cream man. His ice cream was always soggy. After a trip to the beach, he really took a liking to me. Mr. Adams the ice cream man said he'd be my new daddy, and the only way for this to happen would be if we did the new daddy ceremony. I didn't know what this was all about, but it super sounded cool. He took me by the lake and said, are you ready, boy? And I said, yes, I want you to be my new daddy. Since my old daddy went into war and is fighting the bad guys, and he told me to shut my fucking mouth and take a look at this. He pulled down his pant. and showed me his big brown poo-pooh stained butthole and said, Are you ready for the new daddy ceremony?

Starting point is 00:04:16 And I said, I don't know if I want it now. And he said, what's wrong? Are you a chicken? Bok, bach, bach, fag, the mouth. Ha ha! And I said, okay, I will do it now. I am not a fag. And he said, okay, all you have to do is,

Starting point is 00:04:37 Let me fart in your mouth and I will be your new daddy. I opened my little boy mouth and let the farts fill my mouth. He told me to be a good boy and swallow them all up. So I did like he said. Then I asked him, okay, are you my new daddy now? And he laughed and said, No dude, it just means you're gay now. You ate my farts.

Starting point is 00:05:06 That makes you a fan. L, M, A, O, Bigh, ha, ha, and then he ran into the woods. I never saw him again, and to this day I wonder if that ceremony was legit or not. Sigh! Two years later in 1953, my father came back when the war wrapped up, but the man that returned was not the same man that left. He would often wake up in the middle of the night screaming and gasping for breath and complaining about the smell of charred human remains. All of my teenage years, my father tried to make me into a real man but constantly failed.

Starting point is 00:05:54 One time he took me fishing and he told me to put my dick in the fish's mouth. He said it would feel good but the fish had teeth. It hurt so very much. And I cried. He laughed at me. And I had never felt so alone. Nothing he tried would work. I remained a little bitch boy much to my father's disappointment.

Starting point is 00:06:21 I was a lonely boy, probably because I often picked my ass in public. The only friend I had was old Jimmy Schmidt. Jimmy and I had many mutual interest. including baseball and pissing in each other's mouths, having a friend was nice. But life was still so pointless and full of pain. I had no purpose in life, and so I decided to do the one thing I thought would make my father proud. Join the Vietnam War. Vietnam is what they say it is in the movies and such.

Starting point is 00:07:00 I guess, it's a little more and a little less. and a little less at the same time somehow. I don't know if that makes any sense. It's just the way it is. Most days early on, Jimmy and I just sat around playing cards and drinking beer. Occasionally we'd engage in some combat, and sometimes I do routine flying missions. As men started leaving or being killed, my flying missions became more. And I saw the action more and more.

Starting point is 00:07:36 You ever see a Vietnamese man's intestines strewn out to spell the word gook? The cute little farm boy with rosy cheeks and a bull cut never thought he'd see that either. The shit I saw there made me fucking sick. There were a couple times there where Jimmy had to leave from puking. I can't blame Jimmy. The guy had a good heart. But war gets the best of us. They say the first casualty of war is innocence, but they are wrong.

Starting point is 00:08:11 It's your soul. I never believed in God until I took another man's life. And in that moment, knew that I was going to hell. Oh God, the things we did, whenever we captured 10 or 20 of these cooks, we'd fucking shot them out of the helicopter. and watch them splatter on the ground. And by the time we landed, we'd have only one or two left. Sometimes we'd get hot and heavy and get carried away and throw them all out. The trick was to throw them out before you had to count them.

Starting point is 00:08:51 So the higher-ups didn't know how many we killed. Even though everyone knew the higher-ups were doing much, much worse. One time I'll never forget is in 68, we were told there was some Charlie in this school for children, so Jimmy and I checked it out. They told us to Nape omit to get these fuckers out. I didn't buy it, and I don't think Jimmy did either, but orders are orders. Should I carry this out? Should I be a murderer? Or did it matter? I've already murdered so much. many. So what would this make me if it were a mistake? A monster? Then so be it. Orders are orders. This is what we were trained to do. So without another word, I did it. The school was a blaze, and sure enough, these kids come running out screaming. I remember one child ran up to me, Looking me in the eyes as their skin melted off, and they screamed. I took a drag from my cigarette and tried to compose myself to the best of my ability.

Starting point is 00:10:09 The child, maybe five or six, stopped screaming for a moment. Looked me dead in the eyes and said something in Vietnamese. He said it again, and again and again and again and again. The child grabbed my pants and the previously docile weak tone in his voice evolved into a panicked, screaming accusatory tone. I panicked and grabbed my pistol, put it to the child's head, closed my eyes and pulled the trigger. It was the only way to make it stop. I knew what I'd done and knew the only way I could live with myself was to give myself the same. fate I put the gun under my chin and took a final deep breath nothing a click I

Starting point is 00:11:04 fell to the ground crying and began slamming my fist into the wet mud until it bled I couldn't sleep for a week every time I closed my eyes I saw the child and heard him screaming that single word kivet kivat hey maybe this This isn't the best time but check out what this voice box can do. Teehee I'm just a cute little baby boy Tee-he stop Captain Vickhead your P. So-Cold Mama-Mong-a-Mong-a-Gu-Gaka, Mama Mia that's a spicy meatbo. Loh-la-l isn't that fucked up dude. Okay, now where was I?

Starting point is 00:11:46 Oh yeah, burning Vietnamese children. I was too much of a coward to look up what that word meant and still haven't been. To this day, I was so psychologically fucked up by that point I was set to leave after one final mission. A simple transport flight with Jimmy and the boys. On the return for my last flight, I heard the cracking of a machine gun and the right side of me was blinded by a white flash. And I blacked out completely. When I came to, Jimmy and I were in a camp with a... few other prisoners of war. I knew we were fucked and would probably die there. I tried to

Starting point is 00:12:33 speak but nothing came out. Jimmy had tears in his eyes looking at me, and the full extent of the damages done to my body were clear. I lost a good portion of my throat and part of my jaw in the explosion, but the Viet Cong doctors had managed to stitch me up. How How fucking grateful I was that they didn't let this goddamn freak shaw rot in the jungle. Jimmy and the other guys only sustained minor injuries like scrapes bruises and at most a few broken bones. The Viet Cong spent their days torturing us by showing us their dicks and saying they were bigger than ours even though it wasn't true and it was super frustrating. and I practiced Morse code when the Viet Cong weren't beating the living hell out of us. We heard around camp that some of the other prisoners were being featured in Vietnamese propaganda that was being shown to the Americans.

Starting point is 00:13:43 When the time came and the cameras went on to all of us and I tried my best to spell out torture with Morse code, But instead I spelled I fuck children. By accident, I was watching two rats fucks behind the cameraman, and it was making me horny. One cold evening about a week later they woke us all awake screaming with their guns in our faces. They were frantically scrambling and all on their walkies. I assumed they figured out what I'd done with the Morse code. They grabbed me up and all pointed their guns at me and frankly I was never more at peace.

Starting point is 00:14:28 I waited for them to turn me into fucking Swiss cheese, but Jimmy began screaming in Vietnamese at them. They both began to shout at one another louder and louder until one of the men raised his gun in the air as Jimmy made eye contact with me. His eyes told me the entire story. He was sorry, he would miss me, and he loved his family. A shop rang out. Another one. I was covered in Jimmy's brains. I couldn't feel any part of my body.

Starting point is 00:15:08 I wasn't angry or sad or anything. I was nothing. They turned the gun on me and fired once into my body. abdomen and I immediately hit the ground. As the sweet embrace of death began to finger me, I was at peace, bliss even. I woke up in a military hospital in Saigon and was told my camp had been liberated and that I was completely paralyzed below the waist from the gunshot I took. They discharged me and I was on my way back home. On the bright side, maybe my father would finally be proud of me.

Starting point is 00:15:54 I have been an honored Vietnam veteran. Dead! Almost four months ago they told me. A heart attack, they thought. This news devastated me, coupled with my new handicap, left me more mentally paralyzed than I had ever been physically. I tried working the occasion of my new handicap. the occasional a job, but always relapsed to drinking whiskey and fucking whores. After months of this dangerous cycle, I decided to get my first job at McDonald's.

Starting point is 00:16:32 I had never been more excited and willing to start life anew. For the first time, I had true aspirations. On the first day I went in and was shown the entire place topped to buy. It was finally my chance to make something of myself. The first order came in and I realized reaching the fries from my wheelchair was hard and my arms could not reach above my shoulders due to the Vietnamese torture. I violently smacked the handle of the friar causing a pound of boiling grease to cover my face and hands, effectively melting my

Starting point is 00:17:17 fucking skin off I lost almost all of my five senses and looked like a fucking potato my hands and face were no longer recognizable or usable I was essentially a human vegetable who had given up I was put in a nursing home where I spent many lost years listening to reruns of shitty soap operas minute after minute the same routine, day after day, month after month year after your decade after decade. I could feel myself rotting. One day something in me changed and I knew I had to leave or die trying. I asked my nurse for some fresh air and she agreed. When I had the opportunity I rolled over my nurse's foot. The only place in the area to escape to.

Starting point is 00:18:17 was the woods, so I went for it even though I think woods animals are fucking gay like owls. I rolled for what seemed like days. I went over a bridge and passed a waterfall, beyond some thick woods where the path was lost, until I came upon a gay little cabin where my wheelchair ran out of battery. I thought I was a goner until these cunts found me. They won't let me leave and force me to read lines for their shitty podcast. They only feed me baby carrots under the door and I just want a steak. So that was my life.

Starting point is 00:19:02 What the hell happened to me? I fought in Vietnam. God damn it. My name isn't even spelled dickhead. It's D, I, Q, A, Q, and. H, E, D, D, D. I used to know French and this stupid voice box only comes in hot little boy and American white man. Listen how dumb it sounds when I speak French.

Starting point is 00:19:29 Wee, we J. Adore a matter de Fermis Dands Mon Co. At less regarder essay and D. Chaparletor bilinque S. Mons Swamp ass. See I sound like a fucking retard. It sounds like a Harry Potter spell. Everything you know about me is a lie. I'm a miserable fraud who is too much of a coward to kill himself. That's it I can't take this shit anymore. Time to do something I should have done a long time ago.

Starting point is 00:20:03 Fuck you, world. Allow you act burn. God fucking damn it, I hit the radiator.

SleepyCabin - SleepyCast S2:Lost Episode - [The Day We All Lost Our Virginity At The Same Time]

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