Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 100th Episode: Muggins and Cream

Episode Date: June 25, 2018

THE REAL 100th EPISODE. We've deleted the false flag that was previously listed as the 100th episode and replaced it with this one, Muggins and Cream have re-uniredreunited with this bumper episode which has everything from rinsing Matty to rinsing Elliot and everything in between. An extended podcast in which we get increasingly more drunk as it goes on until we eventually confess our love for eachother. Creepy. Thanks for sticking with us this far! 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

You ready? It's Muggins Cream. It's Muggins Cream. It's Muggins, Muggins, Muggins Cream. What's that from? It's because football's coming home, Daniel. I thought you were going to be like, Two fat creams

and one mug. I thought that would have been... That's the spirit. Now you're getting into the game. Do some more. That was a good one. No, I just, look. My problem was never the concept. It was always

the delivery. Yeah, I actually fucked that one up Because it should have been It's Muggins cream, it's Muggins cream, it's Muggins football, it's Muggins cream But then I just chucked it So welcome to the 100th episode Because what's going to happen after this is you're going to delete that episode You did with Elliot for two reasons One

There's abs of Royally fucked off You can't day the hundred fucking episodes without me on it like that's absolutely not allowed by any stretch

like that is beyond a dick fucking move you can't have the hundreds episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the fucking road without one of the named characters it was a hundred and ten

it was a it was a one hour ten minute special it's gone for that reason I'm the fan I've not listened to it yet but I know she made fun fun of the depressedoids

so we're getting you just used the word depressedoids I was being ironic it was the anxiety oh he's that oh well anyway

can I ask you something right no we're deleting right go on is that why you've come to London I was being ironic. It was the anxiety all you said. Oh, well. Anyway, can I ask you something? Right, no, we're deleting. Right, go on. Is that why you've come to London? You're like, okay, I'm in London,

I'm going to come do the podcast. Then as soon as I pressed record, you went on that tirade and I'm like, oh, you flew here. I'm actually there

because well it is a podcast day for me because this was a bonus podcast so therefore I'm also like the 100th episode

also means as little to me as it does to you yeah we're both doing Barry's podcast later on because I promised

I'd do Barry's podcast World Cup podcast is fun as well yeah yeah I've been listening to it and I've not seen him in fucking

ages and I've got to wake off and you know what and it's it's fucking such a cheap flight to London like I've been listening to it and I've not seen him in fucking ages and I've got to wake off and you know what and it's it's fucking such a cheap flight to London

like I'm flying up to Edinburgh next week it's like 30 quid or something aye if you make it far enough you can get there

in an hour aye it's just dead fucking easy and also it's your stag do it's my stag do you've got no idea

how much I thought it was my stag do this morning so for those that don't necessarily know obviously Kai's getting married next year and I as best man next year? next month?

oh aye September the 8th oh yeah fuck okay so it's this year oh I've royally fucked your stag do oh no it's Christmas I've booked it for January next year that would be a surprise so me and your other friend

Matthew Canning who is sort of like back up if anything happens to me he'll be stepping in as best man no he's best man 2 you're best man 1 but he's best man 2 best man 2

too furious and he is by the start of this podcast he's fucking furious he's going to be more furious by the middle of it we've got something to tell you about Matty

so obviously we're in charge of your stack do and I've mentioned it on the podcast before it might not fucking go yet because you were trying to find out

who's DTS about your stack do which we've been doing our best and I think we've been doing quite well have you're doing a good job or not you're doing quite well you shared your diary with us i can't look a day past my diary in case there's any clues of the stag in it i like i have to find out what i'm doing that day i wake up in the morning go oh yeah sweet this is the gig and daniel's got a doctor's appointment you had no idea you did that until this morning

I had no idea but fortunately as well I barely I never used because the main diary I use is the one Marlena gives me and you're not linked

to my Marlena one so I had a proper panic that you are getting everything I put into my diary thankfully though because I've not booked

any of the flight the diary is it's the it's the muff diary. It's the one we used for the shooting and sets when we recorded the hit YouTube show muff. And for some reason it's still fucking linked there.

And I was using it for personal stuff. And when you sent me that, I had a proper fucking panic. I was like, oh God, I must have put the fucking flights in there. Fully realising that I am utterly useless, and I had not even booked the flights. must have put the fucking flights in there. Fully realising that I am actually useless. And I had not even booked the flights. Well, you've already given something away. We're leaving on a jet plane.

Yes. Oh, right, yeah. It's not the walk in the park I thought it was going to be. All right. So it will come in handy for when I book the flights to make sure that it's not... I just don't put them in that fucking diary so you've

you've helped me in a way so thank you for that but we've been doing our best sort of job to sort of make sure you're not getting any information

but what we also have been enjoying is making sure that you think every day is your start because we realise I'm sick as fuck now I've been trying to stay

in shape for the longest time right because on the off chance it's somewhere nice and sunny on the off chance you're going to fucking strip as dune

and fucking the handcuffs or something he has the shopping what was that thought so back and return to that thought aye

I've been staying in shape and fucking trying to keep trying to keep my hair cut trying to keep myself prepared always to look good on holiday aye because you've got I've been doing this and fucking trying to keep your hair cut. Trying to keep yourself prepared. Always.

You look good on holiday. Because you've got... I've been doing this since fucking March. I'm sick as fuck. Just staying in shape, getting haircuts, looking after yourself. Shaving my beard. Is that why you did it? No.

Yeah, I shaved my beard because I was looking too long. Like, the whole thing with the beard is to get through the awkward phase. Right.

It's better now. Like, that's much better. Yeah, I just train it with clip-ons. I put on a number two and just train it with clip-ons. That's better than

the fucking awful, awful, awful, awful. It's actually worth the in and away because now it's like more of a, like, when I do it with a number two clip

as it's full. It's number two because my wife's still fucking shit. Hello! Is it me you're looking for? Oh no. So I've been like, because this is the thing

with fucking being in shape, right? We're trying to get in holiday shape. If it's what you're going for, like we say, I'm not going to fat shame I promise be beach body ready one find a beach

two have a body that's how you be beach body ready for me it's number three brackets optional being good Nick

I choose option three every time I get in holiday I like to do that there's been times in my life where I've been

in good shape and I'm in a stage in my life where I'm not in awful shape not the worst shape but I'm in this fucking happy my life where I'm not good I'm not an awful ship not the worst ship I've been in but I've been

this fucking happy medium like you know what I don't have a fucking belly I don't have muscles but I don't have a belly I'm a naturally skinny

person you'll do default guy oh yeah like just default set like I'm just I've played Skyrim before this is my second go and I'm less invested in

character I'm like I just play the game yeah so um so when when you try to be peak like your diet

has to be super on point like you fucking do cardio when you're fasting in the mornings and shit you know you're like trying to like

maintain that level but you can only do that for a couple of weeks before your life's shit alright you know it's good for a couple of weeks when you're getting the gains

but when it's like when you're doing that as maintenance it's like ah fuck that so I've just started the last couple of weeks I've just been drinking again fuck it went off the rails

hurt me foot oh i started boozing uh so the pendulum is swinging back hard i mean you've got times to get back into shape surely that should be that's one that's one factor that i didn't necessarily factor into like a clue that would be when your stag do is is it's when I start going to the gym like the second the second I'm like if you're like

do you want to get drunk at one in the afternoon and I'm like no no I can't you'll be like right it's in three weeks I was like I took a look at Elliot

the other day and I was like oh fuck me my stag do mustn't be for ages is it in November so this morning I have never been

more convinced to watch me stag do and I thought you'd sort of have you told the story about Matty in the airport after the other stag do

you were on oh I don't think I have not on here so this game started with basically we realised that I did I I told Elliot this story the other day but I don't think I told him on the podcast with basically we realised that I tell Elliot

this story the other day but I don't think I told him on the podcast so if I did I apologise I'm really bad at remembering

when I've said stuff I've got severe drug damage so me and Matty realised that with all the information

that's going around about the stag to with the people involved and everything it's very easy that you will not

through your own investigation but you might stumble across some information through the stag to and you can't stop those leaks happening so the only thing you can do easy that you will not through your own investigation but you might stumble across some information to do is start to and you can't stop those leaks happening so the only thing you can do is put in 70 times as much information right bury the truth amongst so much fucking lies yeah there's been it's a very trump administration i've already been uh like i keep picking up shit

but then i pick up, like, contradictory shit. And it's like, wives are giving us fucking, like, spoilers. And then, like, fucking Elliot, Elliot done a spoiler yesterday that wasn't a spoiler. He went, I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, shit. As he was saying, see you tomorrow. And then whacked off. And I was like, she's talking tomorrow.

And Natalie was like, no, but he was clearly joking. Even when he did it, he was telegraphing it. Aye, aye. And, like, I was like, he was, but, like, it he was telegraphing it aye aye and like I was like he was but like that's how

he would telegraph it if he fucked it up aye aye if he fucked it up he would telegraph it I mean maybe maybe today I mean we are going to meet

Barry later on fat Barry skinny Barry our Barry so after you stagged it after you met Brucey stagged it not Brucey Brucey stagged it oh yeah it was Brucey stagged after you've been brissy stagged not brissy

brissy stagged oh yeah it was brissy stagged which fucking by the way cleaned it there aye so then in the airport

full throttle aye and then on the way back your feet you're on a massive come down you've all you've all been on

them fucking wild holders before right you know when you get back you get back and you're in the airport and it're in the airport

and it's like the home stretch you just want to cuddle right and I'm like I've picked up your bag and I got into the bathroom and I'm at the arena having a piss

and I just feel this blindfold come across my eyes and Matty went it's your stag do and I was just like no no no way

you can't do your stag do after a stag do like that's not that's not cricket that's do after a stag do like that's not that's not cricket that's not that's not

that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not

that's not instantly like I would have been tortured but instantly my fucking mental preparation was going you can do this

I would have been shit crack I would have been knee crack after that that stag do had everything so we've just

we've so me and my have been taking ourselves in and I mean every interaction I've had with you for the past

month and a half anytime I've seen you I've always said it's your stag do even though we've played Fortnite you dropped us off a couple of portions

and went down these stag do and I've opened down in portions and so obviously I turn up today come down to Barry's podcast, send you a message, be like, is she stacked up?

Or is it? Then it isn't. Or is it? So do you know what it is? It goes to be stacked up the day. So Natalie's got to give us a couple of instructions today, which she tells us to the house, which I'm always like, I'm always dubious when I'm being kept in a place

where I can't physically go anywhere else. It was the second free will's taken away. I would be in the house normally, but the fact that I'm now specifically being told that I can't leave the house. Today could not have been a gamble that I just happened to be at the shops, at the pub, waiting for a sleazy massage. Because I had to be in at 10 o'clock for the cleaners coming. Right.

And then I had to be in any time between 12 and 2, conveniently, two hours. And then I suddenly text you going, where are you? So the cleaners hadn't arrived yet, it was like 10 o'clock. It was just on 10

and you texted saying, where are you? And I was like, making breakfast and you were like, in the flat. And I was like, yep. And then you were like, I've just landed, I'll see see you in a bit and then as soon as that text conversation was done knock knock knock at the door i didn't expect milfie sanders to be your cleaners and look look so no there was one of them who was a bit older than us right but like still got it mate she was a beautiful woman but then her daughter friend uh month look for my wife later on

it's her daughter and i mean it's it's 30 degrees outside right so of course they're gonna be wearing this nice tight vest and everything it's just it's one of those ones where you're tight vest and everything aye it's one of those ones where you're like you know it's one of those moments where it's hard to be a feminist that one's for me she wasn't dressed like that for me

exactly exactly it's one of those moments there was a duality of purpose going on it's one of those times you're like I'm a fucking terrible feminist

because you're like look I know women do not always dress for men right but that doesn't necessarily mean when you don't put effort in that's not going to find you

fucking attractive like for instance I did have a tight top on and yes that was because the cleaners were coming but your purpose today is a lovely day so it actually had the reverse thing but these two lovely friendly smiley beautiful eastern european girls arrive if you don't and you're just waiting for them to start stripping and I am like oh my god Natalie's in on it right he's getting in there as stripped as

guys as clean as to come to me who's I'm like fucking checking the bookshelf for a hidden camera and I'm like they're pottering around

they didn't even bring any clean equipment and stuff like they were asking us about clean equipment but apparently that's what and you were just like

no no I'm the dirty one and they were like eh eh these poor eastern Europeans been like

you're just they've been like I'm just gonna go sit down in that chair over there there's uh you know do your worst

just watching them clean around you've been like alright it's a slow build up so shortly after they arrive right because I'd literally

just finished making my breakfast because I'd literally just finished making me breakfast, right, I'd sit down and have me breakfast and I was just saying, you know what, probably clean us because I'm probably over thinking this.

My phone rings and it's Matty and I'm like, oh my fucking God, what is happening? Danny texts us through the fucking blue, are you in?

Knock, knock, knock, these girls come in to clean the house and Matty rings us and he's just went, I just want to chat to you about something.

He was like, clearly outdoors somewhere, I don't know if he was driving or walking or whatever, but the conversation that he had with us, he asked us not to repeat this on the podcast,

by the way. Sweet. We'll bleep his name. But, in fair enough, he asked us not to say anything, but you know what, fuck him.

He's just started telling us a story about the night before last, in fairness, it's not to say anything, but you know what? Fuck him. He just started telling us a story about the night before last. You know, this is probably weird. He didn't want us to talk about it because it's personal, right? He broke up with his

long-term girlfriend not that long ago. They did it on good terms, as far as I'm aware, and they're both happy with the situation. Yeah, they're both on good terms. They're still very fond

of each other, and the, you know what, like like he didn't say this and she didn't say this but in my mind them getting back together isn't off the cards yeah but it's not on the cards it's just like there's no this is why i didn't want to talk about it i'm already saying too much about his private life so he went there on a tinder date the other day and uh and he ended up going to a bar in newcastle and he knew that these exes on holiday must be must be exciting for him though just to sort of take off like

because my uh much like yourself has been in a relationship for the whole time tinder's existence yeah like you've never and uh to like i can't imagine what that must be like just suddenly just to be in a relationship obviously you're both... Obviously you're getting fucking married to the love of your life. Mattie was hugely in love with her this whole time. Like, there's obviously like, I wish I was on Tinder, but there's always got to be a bit of you being like,

fuck, if that had been out when I was single, for the love of fucking God. Like, the golden years of Tinder, though, and this is what I want to say to him, they're over. The golden years of Tinder are done. Yeah. It had its tinder are done yeah they're absolutely moment in the sun had its moment i i've been off tinder for a year elliot still was up my house the other week and i really tell them is that why you think they're done they've lost a star player i mean beckham's went to elliot galaxy but just like tinder used

to be the thing like nobody knew about Tinder when Tinder first came out you always got told by a fucking friend of yours Lloyd Griffith told me about it I was like Lloyd Griffith was like

this app's the tits that's how you heard about Tinder and I was like what is it he's like it's just a fucking hook up thing

I was like there's no way this is true I downloaded Tinder it was in Australia it was with you and Jamie McGee out there

and I remember oh yeah we got our you got that fucking joiner to come and take the door out and put a fucking revolving carousel door in there instead it was fucking horrendous like we made like you wouldn't even announce that it was happening like me and jimmy would just be sad playing tiger woods golf with you and then i'd be like man i didn't someone

tinder because i thought tinder was going to be this again back in the golden generation i thought tinder was going to be like a lot of the other Plenty of Fish dating apps. Where it was like, oh, look, most of us are here just for a fucking good time, but it is a fucking dating app. So that's what I went into Tinder with. And it was not that. I remember my first date in Australia on a fucking Tinder date with a girl. And she was like, where are you? And I was like, oh, I'm just here drinking with friends.

She was like, oh, do you mind if I join you for a drink? And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, of course. She came over, and then ten minutes into the thing, was like when are we gonna fuck and i was like what she was like yeah when we have sex i was like what she's like it's tinder which is a hookup i was like i didn't know that it was this fucking brazen right and she was like yeah yeah went back had fucking great sex she was like the whole time if you want to hook up again just fucking hit me up let's do it went on a second date this girl had just joined Tinder right

so this is when it maybe gets a bit fucking weird she just got out of a relationship right and I was like first time on Tinder she was like yeah

and I was like man actually my first date the other day was mint she was like what happened I'm like the girl came and just fucked me and you said that on your second Tinder date

so when were you going to have sex this is not what I'm here for no no no but I was like yeah yeah she was like is that what what I'm here for no no no but I was like yeah yeah she was like is that what the website is that what the app is

and I was like it must be I mean that's why I'm on it is that what you're on and she was like yeah that's what I heard it was for

but I guess and I was like well I guess it's up to us to decide whether it is obviously no pressure on you but like that's obviously what I'm here for it's what you're here for

we ended up hooking up that happened twice more that fucking festival then I went to American stuff it's perfect for a for a week you just meet someone I'm in the city for a week you just meet someone you have fun with them

for a week. A week long fucking romance. It was great, right? It was so good for so many years. I really, really enjoyed it. Every girl I met in fact 90% of them

had a fucking great time with. If I met them now I'd sit down have a fucking pint good fucking chat. And then when I rejoined Tinder the other fucking week and I know the golden generation's over

right? Just people on their profile being like not here for a one night stand. good fucking chat. And then when I rejoined Tinder the other fucking week and I know the golden generation's over, right, just people on their profile being like, not here for a one night stand. Get off the one night stand up then. Yeah, right. Like fucking, there are apps for you.

You have, don't, absolutely. It's called uniform dating. I like, you've got plenty of, like we invented an app for the people that were just,

and, and, and, and it's not gender specific. It's not just men that want hookups, right? It's not, and with One Night Stands I get it because, you know, it's more

fucking responsibility. There's a certain level of fucking trust involved and that's why we intended to become shit because all the fucking creepy men start hearing about this app and they come on and they're the because it's this one night stand up or this hookup act they suddenly think that they don't have to be human anymore so when so when it got mainstream it got creepy when it got mainstream it got creepy because all these guys

had heard the fucking stories that i was telling which was like oh my god i met this fucking great girl we went out for a couple drinks we end up buying it was great fun great and they're like so you just hook up and it's like no you meet someone who has a similar interest and desire to you you find it if you're compatible and if you're both human beings

and then in a small interaction you prove that you're not a bellend and that's it you've only got one thing to do is not be a cock not be a cock and then

it's done but then all these fucking guys start coming on think they're fucking old fucking sex don't realise they don't be a dick bit don't be a dick start coming on think they're fucking old fucking sex don't realise they don't be a dick bit don't be a dick bit

and then obviously they're flooding the fucking market and then the girls have to filter through you've got to filter through that fucking shit and now it's just

this thing now it's that thing of you standing in a crowd being like I'm not like the rest of them which is the worst thing any fucking man can say at any point

because deep down yes you fucking are so Matty is on one of his first prove yourself second wave of tinder date where

he just he knew his ex to be on holiday so he was like well I'm not going to really bump into any of my friends

because they're all away right and then he ended up having a little smooch in the pub alright a little naughty snog a little naughty snog

dirty dirty lips and then he come up for air just like smooch in the pub. Why? A little naughty snog? A little naughty snog. Dirty lips. And then he come up for air, just like, and he come up, he sees his girlfriend's flatmate's boyfriend. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. His girlfriend's flatmate's boyfriend, her girlfriend's best friend's boyfriend,

or something like that. Ex-girlfriend's flatmate's boyfriend. So he's like, oh, that was a lead back to me, because I kissed a girl, and I like this. Girlfriend's flammy's boyfriend. So he's like, oh, that was a lead back in the year because I kissed a girl. And I'm like this. And he's telling us this on the phone.

And I'm like, ten minutes into this story, which is pretty much long-winded and all that, right? And I was like, he just wanted us to tell you kids. I felt like he was keeping us talking. I just kept you on the phone.

Just while I'm running around the house setting up banners and balloons. I genuinely felt like he was keeping us talking just while I'm running around the house setting up banners and balloons I genuinely felt like he was keeping us on the phone

because he rang us for this chat and I feel like this could have

happened you go he's in the house the girls arrived keep him talking

until everybody gets there this is how much I'm overthinking everything because if you had said to Matty if you had had this conversation Keep him talking until everybody gets there. This is how much I'm overthinking everything. Because if you had said to Matty, if you had had this conversation,

hey, phone Kai and keep him talking, well, what am I going to say? I don't know, tell him anything? And that is the type of half-baked, boring shit that he would come up with if he had to keep his talking. So I hate to disappoint you, Matty's just shit chat. It's not his side too, mate Matty's just shit chat it's not his side too mate he's just crap chat

I was going to she wouldn't even believe that when Martha gets back to Matty oh Matty's kissing a girl and then we're going to hear a huge big ad yeah it's got to be Chinese whispers

that he'll be fucking mumps and mumps before he gets any of his chat so the phone like beep beep beep just fucking cuts off because heweithio drwy'r A69 neu beth bynnag. Ymgymryd â'r semantigau. Ac wrth fynd allan, un o'r ddynion yn dod i fynd a rhoi adnoddau i mi. A ydych chi'n cael ychydig o gyfle i gael y pethau hyn?

Oeddwn i'n eu gwybod wrth iddynt ddod i mewn, pan nad oedd gennynt unrhyw bethau i'w gael. Roeddwn i'n dweud, mae'r pethau i'w gael yn y like, the cleaning stuff's in here, if there's anything you need, I'll go to the shop. And then she'd give us like a list of, we need a mop and bucket, we need some bleach and all that. And I was walking to the shop and I was like, aye, this isn't me stock.

Aye, they wouldn't have planned it to the point that they sent us for bleach. No, no, no, actually, actually, just to double bluff you,

we're getting rid of Elliot's tattoo. Elliot's tattoo is so bad, when we rinsed him for it, he didn't have a sense of humour about it. Well, I think, look, and I never do this, but allow me to jump to Elliot's defence

very briefly right I think what his stance is is right that he likes the tattoo and that his claim

which for the purposes of this being his mate I'll believe him it wanted it in a specific style Elliot does love Japan he likes all the

fucking artwork of that this is a Japanese style drawing actually it's a specific style of Japanese drawing which Conor McGregor has there the Japanese style drawing actually it's a specific style of Japanese drawing which Conor McGregor has the Japanese style gorilla on his chest

eating the heart but everybody's also aware of that gosh and I mean I'm coming from a point where I've got shit tattoos so I'm just relishing the opportunity to be able to punch back yeah yeah

oh yeah yeah a lot of my it's like suddenly someone also now has a shit tattoo so I'm jumping on and Elliot doesn't realise

he's a shit doesn't think it's shit, because it's exactly what he wanted. Right? It's... It's... It's bought on from the image that he wanted. It's where he wanted it.

It's how he wanted it. Our thing is, we're just like, the tattoo is shit. Not the tattoo artist. Like, it's coloured in beautifully, but we're just like... I mean, it doesn't look like a tiger. And his whole thing is,

it's not meant to look like a tiger. And we're like, then why doesn't look like a tiger and his whole thing is it's not meant to look like a tiger and we're like then why does it look like a fucking tiger like if it's not meant to look like a tiger yeah it looks enough to look like a tiger

like it looks like a proper retarded tiger and I don't like using that word but it was aww we've discussed we've discussed the word

retard on the podcast before and again the only reason I don't like using that word is because of other people's misconception of the word. Aye. Look, as I've said before, I've said it again, I had a sister who was, by all definitions,

retarded, retarded. When you use the word retard, it does not make me think of my sister. It makes me think of... Retard means slow. Was he slow? That's the song of Baby Driver. Aye. Whenever you say the word...

Sung by paedophile Kevin Spacey. Aye, notorious paedophile. Notorious. P-A-E-D-O... You get the joke. Yeah, I get it, yeah. Thanks. Thanks for spelling it out to us.

Go away. Aye. What was my point? Your point was you got the tiger that was retarded, right? No. Because it looks like... It is a tiger by retarded, right? No. Because it looks like it is a tiger by all accounts, right?

But it's so spazzed up a tiger. Spazz is a bad word. It's so blz up a tiger that we photoshopped its face onto other tigers.

On every tiger. On any like a cultural reference tiger from fucking Tony the Tiger the fucking tiger from Winnie the Pooh. It's Conor the Ruggers' tiger tattoo.

And we have just been sent a belter of the MGM Grand video of the lion doing the roar, but with that face on. And Tom Horton doing it. Yeah, but with Elliot's voice. So we've fucking fleeced him about it right and then he

god bless his soul right I wish I'd gotten a screen cap of this as well I didn't because I was waiting for it to reach the hour

so I put on a fucking I put on that flurry of photos his tattoo plus a fucking bunch of the photos that were photoshopped and it was like

100 likes within fucking half an hour and I think it bottomed out on over 200 and it was like 100 likes within fucking half an hour and I think it bottomed out on over 200 and it just got heat

it almost become a meme like it got shares off people who weren't on my friends list so it almost

fucking got traction right I fucking put that bad slash good and he put up a post saying oh my god

I just got my first tattoo I didn't read the book on how much it was going to hurt on my ribs. I wish somebody warned us about that. And it's just a normal, this is my new tattoo. Oh my God, it hurts post. 44 minutes, no likes, no comments, no fucking interaction. Because they'd all seen it. Nobody even rinsed them.

Everyone was over there. And I was waiting for it to hit an hour so I could screen cap it and then when I went back to see if it hit the hour it was gone so he let it hit the hour, realised it was getting off and deleted it and then shared mine going well this is funny so he just like, he went away

from like, I'm not going to get any sincere responses so I'm going to let the shock value and the comedy value get the attention for us. And then he started biting back in a WhatsApp group that we're in, saying he's 21, let him live his life. That's the tattoo he wanted. Why are we bothered?

Trying to bring age into it. Why are you bothered? You're always age. What are you going to risk in? And I started to feel bad. So I texted him an inbox. Just going, are you alright, mate?

Like, is everything okay at home? You know, I'm like, this thing with Morgan's really kicked your arse, hasn't it? And, and he fucking,

he replied, going, no, fuck off, mate. Actually, with no audience. And you were like, oh,

but I'm taking this too far, because you're the one that put it on Facebook and I explicitly told you not to put it on Facebook well this is this is why

I put it on Facebook and I swear by this right when he said don't put these on Facebook these photoshops don't put them on Facebook and rather he didn't

I don't want me to put them on Facebook I looked and I saw that he put it on Instagram story so I screen capped the Instagram story and used that as my main it on Instagram story. So I screen capped the Instagram story and used that

as my main post on Instagram. Because if you posted it online, I could have done that in the comfort of my own home. He also did post it,

as you said, he posted it on Facebook. Oh. So, are you enjoying that cider, mate? It's lovely. It's proper.

It's really nice. What kind is it? It's Old Moot, Passion Fruit and Apple Cider. Old Moot. It's absolutely the taste of the summer. So is it? It's Old Moot Passionfruit and apple cider Old Moot It's absolutely The taste of the summer So if you could please Tweet Old Moot

Aye Not the Not the Not the listeners You Aye Tweet them now I just

And see if it's Is it moot Like an Australian word For pussy That's Moot Now root Root means

Shack Aye Root means No no I'm almost certain in a moot I'll get honestly because Nick Cuddy will listen to this within the next four days I guarantee I'll get a message from him

well a king's moot is like where you pick a new king isn't it there's no direct heir to the throne so you have a moot there's moot I'm pretty sure because there's debate in Australia about how it's spelt whether it's M-O-U-T-M-U-T-O-T or M-U with umlauts T. With umlauts?

Umlauts. Is that what you have above the O in doppelganger? Umlauts. The dots above the O. A doppelganger is someone who looks like you. Yeah, but you put umlauts on the O, on doppelganger. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So those are umlauts? Yeah. The two little dots? Yeah. Do you not know that? No. There you go., but you put umlauts on the O, on doppelganger. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So those are umlauts? Yeah. The two little dots? Yeah. Yeah. Do you not know that? No. There you go.

Umlauts. Umlauts. Do you know what ellipsis is? I don't know what your ellipses are. Oh, so loose. Loose lips kiss ships. What's ellipsis? Ellipsis is the three dots

at the end of a thing like etc etc dot dot dot oh if you're just like meanwhile dot dot dot it's like when you find a

fucking bracket it's called parentheses no yeah are they? parentheses open parentheses open parentheses

and close parentheses it's podmas not podmas podmas it's podmas. Not bodmas. Bodmas? It's when you're doing some... Oh, bombed ass. Bombed ass? Bodmas.

Oh, I think it's similar. All I remember is, because I didn't actually learn it, I remember I made my math teacher... I was 12 years old and made my math teacher laugh because he wrote bombed ass up on the screen, on the fucking whiteboard, and he was like, write down the rules, and all I wrote was,

bored of maths, dumb and stupid. and he was such a shit math teacher that he just laughed and let me have the answer and never corrected it and i think you got it wrong because the thing in the end of the way i'm sure however uh do you know the how did you remember your trigonometry i don't um because it was silly old Harrison caught, because I've been teacher's card with Mrs. Harrison, silly old Harrison

caught a haddock trolling off Asherman. So is that Sincostan? Sane opposite, sane opposite tangent. Yeah. So you use the opposite

and the tangent when you, oh fuck, I can't. I can't remember. I remember how I remember it, I can't remember what it does. I don't,

yeah, I don't remember any of those ones. I always like, I don't know if we've discussed this on the podcast, but you know those sayings that people have, like, oh, blood is thicker than water. And, you know, oh, foggins are thicker than cream,

stuff like that. Oh, you like the items now, don't you? You like the paint you only good light? I don't you you like the one that painted you in a good light I'm a fan of that one oh you know all fools all fools

oh no what is it great minds think alike so all those all those idioms we cut out the second half of them for some reason and the second half

are always actually much more important so the phrase is always great minds think alike but the follow up is but fools rarely differ. And so the actual point of the idiom is, no matter how intelligent you are,

if you meet someone similar to... It's not a sign of intelligence. The other one is... Blessed be the meek. Blessed be the meek and how to the earth. Aye, there was... Blood is thicker than water. That comes from...

Blood is thicker than water that comes from blood is thicker than water of the fucking wind but thicker than the blood of the covenant so the actual thing is actually the friends you make in life are more important than the ones that are assigned to you by birth but somebody you kept it

they cut off the second half they want you to hear jack of all trades master of none but better than a master of one but we never off the second half. Give me the bit that they want you to hear. Yeah, Jack of all trades, master of none, but better than a master of one. But we never say the second bit, right? Because Jack of all trades, master of none. You're like, oh, you're doing all these things, you're a master of none.

But the actual finishing of it is, but better than a master of one. It's better to be good at many things than it is to be perfect at one. And then they do the first, the worst, second, the best, but everybody forgets. Third, the best of all the rest the worst Second the best But everybody forgets Third the best of all the rest Fourth the hairy princess

You know Science Can you pause that while I get some warm coffee Like a fuck Are you dying? Are you alright now mate? Hi I thought I was going to have to rush you to A&E there

You're in full anthrax Aye well so basically Last week I got like a bit of a fucking flu, like just sort of a bit coughy thing, just heavily medicated, got through it, and then did that fucking stupid thing and the second I started feeling better,

I was like, I'll stop taking the medicine, which you should always finish your... Follow your course. Well, you've always got to finish your antibiotics, because otherwise, even if your illness is over, you've got to finish the fucking course, because otherwise, even if your illness is over, you've got to finish the fucking course, because otherwise you give the germs a chance to... You know, doctors aren't giving you extra pills,

just being like, just in case you drop one. Like, they're giving you the required amount to fucking take. One for your mate? Aye, just some. You may go to a party. Aye, just take a bunch.

You might spew some of them up. Just take these and fucking keep them doing whatever. Sex, nine. Who's counting? I'm a doctor. Who gives a shit? They're very specific. I'm picking a fish to fry.

People have got cancer. I'll tickle you, McGigley. So I didn't finish my course of antibiotics, so it's now rearing its fucking ugly head again. Yeah, well, isn't antibiotics giving you some of the illness to make your immune system react to the illness no that's in your immune system is that not what antibiotics is no that's that's what um immunization yeah that's what inoculations are because i've already got the thing they'll be like they're not backing up the flu you fucking thick thick twat. Let's give him more flu.

They stop the measles by giving you a tiny bit of the measles so your body learns how to fight the measles. It's not like when you get the measles, they're like, send more in. We're losing on the front line. Doctor, I've broke my leg.

Break the other leg. He's got to learn. He's got to fucking learn one way or another. he's gotta learn he's gotta fucking learn one way or another so no my antibiotics did not have any of the flu in it

maybe they did maybe that's why it's back your doctor was a cunt so what you've done then this is my logic probably right is that your antibiotics

were fighting the flu. The flu were putting up a fucking fight, building an army to fight against the antibiotics and then you withdrew the troops. And the flu just went, oh, I was expecting some opposition. Let's ravage his lungs and his throat. No, I think it's more like,

I think my body won the battle but just like didn't get rid of all the looters. Oh yeah, you didn't shoot in the head the fucking ones that lay down and pretended to be dead. Aye.'t get rid of all the looters. Oh yeah he didn't shoot in the head the fucking ones that laid down and pretended to be dead. So I've just got some looters like it's not

as bad as it was last week I was fucking horrific. You've got to stab the corpses like. Aye and this one look double tap make sure they're

dead. Fuck. Sorry you keep talking while I die. I think it's that cider. It's a dry cider isn't it? No I think it's that cider. It's a dry cider, isn't it? No, I think it's like...

It's not a dry cider. It's very fucking wet. By all accounts. You can spill some on your paperwork until it's dry. Oh, did I tell you this the other day? I don't know if I have actually told you this. This is going to greatly excite you.

Exclusive. Oh, right, mate. So, we were speaking about this actually a bit earlier. Remember that Adelaide that you, me and So, we were speaking about this actually a bit earlier. Remember that Adelaide that you, me and Jamie McGee were at in Adelaide? I don't know why the start of that sentence was the same as the end of it, but there you go. Double information. We got absolutely horrifically fucked on the last night, so much so that the next day we forgot we had dinner with the Tobins,

who were organising everything out there. So they were taking us for dinner the next day. We woke up at like one in the afternoon. I'm trying to remember what the place was called. The venue. It was, and I know exactly where it is in Adelaide as well. It's not far from the Gardens of Unearthly Glades. Oh, yeah, it's just across the road.

We went to that restaurant with them, right? Yeah. Now, do you remember that fucking red wine we had, right? Yes, the Cotes du Rhone. And you thought Cotes du Rhone was the name of the wine. I did red wine we had right yes the Cotes du Rhone and you thought Cotes du Rhone was the name of the wine I did but then you found out

that Cotes du Rhone is a region it was and you have since been trying every Cotes du Rhone yeah absolutely you found the wine

I found the wine have you right so it's a fucking four year fucking pilgrimage oh five I think it was

five or six so we tried this wine I found the 14 were there so yeah just over four so it was I was so it was the best red wine I've had in my wine it was around the 14 we were there so yeah just over 4 so it was I was so it was the best red wine

I've had in my life it was like I was so hungover I was not in the mood for drinking at all and this was like drinking silk it was like

drinking silk it had not that I'm a wine connoisseur but it didn't have any tanning quality did it it didn't have any like you know when it sometimes sticks to the roof of your mouth

and gives you that dry feeling on the roof it just it flowed down and it was it was flavorful but it was so smooth and it was it wasn't too fruity wasn't too fruity wasn't there it was fucking i can't like i remember vividly like i don't can you taste memories can you memorize taste yeah i can, yeah. I can vaguely remember what it tasted like to the point that if I had it now, I would know what it was. Exactly. So I always knew that I'd know the fucking flavour again.

And so all I did was remember that it was Côte d'Aron and I thought Côte d'Aron was the type of wine, because I'm an idiot. Côte d'Aron is a region of France, a very fucking large region of France. Obviously, different bottles come out every year from different fucking areas, different types and everything.

And ever since then, any time I've seen a bottle of Coasterone anywhere, I've bought it and I've tried it. Just, I was like, you know what, this will be an eccentric game to play for the rest of my life. And when I'm 67, my wife will have found the wine and I'll be like, ah, and then I'll die after taking one sip. You'd always be having that doubt as well,

that like, I wouldn't have because of what I'd ate before it, given a different taste when I had it. I wouldn't have if I've like'd ate before it give it a different taste when I had it I wouldn't have like you know if you have it like you have to brush your teeth after drinking

orange juice I was a drink orange juice after brushing your teeth it's got a completely different taste I wouldn't

have it would have that effect so that you could have tried it but you would have had it after drinking eating something

sweet right and it changed the flavor of it man I went my old school mates little alley big alley

great great we went to a fucking Thai restaurant and just standard fucking thing not thinking anything of it man I went my old school mates little Ali big Ali Gregory we went out to a fucking Thai restaurant and just standard fucking thing not thinking anything of it poured out does he have a friend called Gregory

his name's Graham oh great yeah oh you're called Gregory yeah cute not Gregory that's what I thought

you were doing I thought you were Gregory and a Gregory no his name's Graham called Gregory and this bottle of Coasterone fucking wine came out

and I was like ah yeah yeah and I took one sip have you seen Ratatouille no but I'm aware of Ratatouille right so there's this bit

where there's this horrible critic who is just he's the most feared critic in France and he finally comes to review the restaurant

and the rat cooks the fucking meal and this guy's just a cynic so the rat's already done with his hat isn't it? He could whisper and tell him what to do, like pulling strings.

He's controlling it through his hair. Through his hair. Sweet. So he's doing it. And this critic takes one bite of the ratatouille that's made. And he instantly flashes back to his childhood when he falls over, grazes his knee,

and he comes in. He's just an innocent child. And he's crying because of his knees. And his mum kisses his head and makes him feel better and then makes him homemade ratatouille and he tries it and the joy that one bite takes him back to that and all of his hatred for the world is gone i had that moment i took one people may not have seen Ratatouille yet, Daniel. Oh, sorry, boys. Well, you can wait for the sequel, Ratatouille. Two Ratatouille. Yeah, oh, man.

I took a photo of it. I can't remember where the photo is. What's it called? Are you on the same mission again? No, no, I definitely took a photo of it. I definitely sent it to Gene or something. Right, so you've got it. So you can't tell the listeners now what to look for.

Should we pause it so you can find it? If you pause it, yes. So Daniel's dead. He started coughing and then his eyes come out of his skull on stalks. I've seen a total recall where he busts his mask in space. Kind of awkward. He's on the floor. Oh, there he is. He's breathing.

He's breathing. He's just putting it there he is he's breathing he's breathing he was just putting it on put on a brave face so I took a photo of the bottle of the coach to run and if you guys don't like this there's absolutely

fine like I don't care I'm just telling you now this is my favourite wine sounds familiar you care it's called Boutinot so this is obviously a different year Boutinot spell it

B-O-U-T-I-N-O-T right spell it phonetically but using the name of World Cup footballers alright Barry Barry who

Gareth Barry he's not he was oh come on name it name it yeah come on World Cup FIFA

2006 alright that wasn't 2010 what's he even was he in the World Cup squad alright Gareth Barry must have been at one point surely FIFA 2006 alright That was in 2010 What's he even? The other cup squad Oh yeah Gareth Barry Must have been at one point

Surely Just get on with it Ronaldo Ronaldo Ronaldo B-O B-O-U-T-I-N-O-T And then it says

Fide Art I think that's it But it's Le Cotto C-O-U Sorry C-O-T-E-A-U-X, Cotes du Rhone, Villagère, Appellation, Doris, and Prodigy. And can I make a guess that it was a Shiraz? No, it was a Butino.

It was a Butino, which is apparently a red... Fuck's that? That's a type of red wine, apparently. A Butino. I didn't even know that until now. I thought you had Merlot, Shiraz, Pinot Noir. No, you know what this is famous for? What's the rest of them again?

Shiraz, Cap Sav, Cabernet Sauvignon. Oh no, I said my own wine, didn't I? I mean, we don't know. But it's just the greatest fucking wine I've ever had in my life. And I'm very glad I found it. Yeah, and did you buy a bunch of them when you got it? No. Or was it in a restaurant?

It was in a restaurant, but I'm going to work out how to fucking... Do you want to order some online? Box, order it. Google it. And just... But I'm also worried that I know if... Like, I drink when there's not booze in the house. Yeah?

Like... You still find some? Still, I'll then make excuses to go out and drink, whereas if it's in the house... Oh, yeah, you still find some still I'll then make excuses to go out and drink whereas if it's in the house oh yeah and I'll just feel so classy you're in trouble

like it's so funny that like I barely drink when I'm in the flat like rarely unless like it's people back so because when people come back and we've got drink I end up making a stockpile of booze

do you not enjoy drinking alone? I don't mind it it's just it contradicts my training I see It's like The amount of times Where I've been playing

Fortnite with you In an evening And it would have been So easy for me To just crack a bottle Of white wine And it was nearly finished After

Is that what I've done? It was already open Half open So I could do that But I'm very aware That I've got Like a fucking Pretty vigorous training

The next day That would be Comprom compromised by a couple of beers. Elliot said I know we're not meant to talk about my time on the podcast but this is worth it because it transcends it. He went to a place in, he didn't even mention it on the podcast because he's been banned from it but it's all noteworthy. He went to a place in Edinburgh to train and he went sparring and there was a dude there brought his cans

and had a tinny between rounds amazing that is so fucking Scottish it's absolutely so fucking Scottish he brought a bag of cans to training

what the fuck is your country because look that makes sense right you're training to be in fights whilst sober how many fights have you been in whilst sober right exactly so this guy's Because, look, that makes sense, right? You're training to be in fights while sober.

How many fights have you been in while sober? Ten. Right, exactly. So this guy's a better trainer. He's like, I'm not going to learn how to fight while sober because I'm never going to be in a fight while sober. I might as well learn how to fucking fight while half cut, right? That's the same way I learned how to drive, right? I would have a tinny in the fucking

car and i'd smoke a spliff because most the time i'm gonna be driving while high or drunk why am i learning to do it i didn't realize i was such a bad swimming teacher i should be there with a bottle of jack like that makes perfect sense to me i don't know why you're shitting on my country. The guy, he knows what he's... That is wonderful, though. I can't even imagine the coaches at that gym if I fucking popped a can open. I couldn't imagine it. I reckon I'd get hurt. I reckon you'd kick us to fuck

for the sheer disrespect. That is wonderful, though. Shall we go into our nuclear stick it to some muggles I've only got one you got one

yeah actually one's grand because we've got 15 minutes left oh mine's a short one that you'll 100% agree with

from the start so we can do that one you want to do yours first alright muggles I know we

touched on this last episode being like muggles being against the world cup but this is a specific type of muggle against the world cup muggles I know we touched on this last episode of being like Muggles been against the World Cup but this is a specific type of Muggle against the World Cup Muggles call it

anything other than football like oh soccer's on is the soccer ball on today is it the old kicky footy

is it the old kicking the pigs blutter is it the old pinging it into the goals between the two sticks like you're trying to

I can undermine anything by overly describing what it is you can undermine anything in the world by overly explaining

oh what what you did later on oh you're gonna go home see the fucking person you like most in the world like maybe talk to them a bit put some like little fucking

gone off grains down your throat get a little bit a little bit of blood in your little fucking outside fleshy bit, make that all stiff and shove it in her wet bit. Like where she pisses, right?

I mean, you don't shove it in the bit where she pisses. You know she pisses from her vagina though, right? But you know there's several holes. Yeah, but it still comes out of that, right? You know that? It doesn't come out of the vagina. No, but that's the bit. In a vague bit.

Like as a unit. It's totally functional. but if you're being vague while you're down to the vagina you're not good with the vagina go for the clip I'm near it

I know it doesn't it doesn't come out of the same place you put yeah what did you call it the blood blooded up

fleshy bit aye because I've heard I've heard a woman pissing aye and it's high pressure it wouldn't have that

it wouldn't make that noise if it came out of the same hole massive cock aye it'd just be like the ice bucket challenge have I ever let down a tyre Just be like the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Have you ever let down a tyre by... Have you ever been a delinquent kid and let down a tyre by snapping off a bit of wood into the valve and it just starts letting the tyre down at high pressure? I've never done that. That's how women piss. Right, just fucking... Proper PSI. No.

Investigations. PSI Miami. You know how as a guy, occasionally you go to the toilet and there'll be shit stains on the toilet bowl and you'll be like, fuck yes, side quest.

It's a proper mini game, right? That's why girls think they don't poo right because the whole time they're shitting any shit that sticks to the thing is being rained off

girls just piss their own shit off instantly mid shit instantly I reckon the shit doesn't even hit the water I reckon the shit

drops down and the piss is coming with such force it's like Thanos it's like Thanos click oh ferocity right it's like Thanos clicked it'socity right it's like Thanos

clicked it's finger and halfway through the shit's just disappearing into just it's just because it's not

it's just a violent mist innit have you ever gotten moss out of the fucking out of like a patio with a car truck high pressure

that's not a leg because guys because we've got people think we've got high pressure because we can aim but no no no like I'm just like

I don't think a woman's ever got and again all the I'm going to apologise for my ignorance but this is what the whole book is I don't think any woman's

ever pissed for longer than 20 seconds nah how could they they'd be dehydrated they'd turn inside out at that pace at that pace

just don't even stop for a breath i had to because i was doing it with my mouth so i tell you this and i've already told you this from stage because when we're doing the work in progress i went off on one about it as um i heard uh we teach a piss because me and Stephen Martin I'm kind of a Martian hammered on it because schools had you had breaks in populations so the north population of the school

which I don't think they used to come to Spennyland they just called it north these classes you're north they just give you a population name you're on your break on period 4 and on period 5 you're doing maths or whatever while the south population's on their break so you never have your dinner with the other population,

but one day, the classes are in, but we're on our break, and we hear a class in progress, and we hammer on the fucking door, and then fucking run around the corner, and then we hear the door open immediately, and we've got this fucking long stretch of corridor ahead of us,

and there's no way we're going to get to the bottom of that corridor, before silly old Harrison gets around there, before the teacher gets around the corner trawling for a haddock or fashion, whatever, she gets up there and she's like... Haddock for a cork. She would look down there and see our little fucking ginger heads running through the corridor.

So we dived into the first door on the left. So actually, if there's anybody that's Ridley High School, I'm going to be able to paint this picture better for you. It was Mrs. Althaus' class. It wasn't Mrs. Harrison. It was Mrs. Althaus. We knocked on the door, and then we ran towards the main corridor, so out of that block.

So we hung a left real quick out of... I thought you described this as a joke but no no i'm telling people that went to ridley high school who i know listen to this podcast exactly where it is and then on the left the first door on the left you know it'd be the the female teacher's toilets right so we fucking dived into the teacher's toilets right and we ran around the corner into the cubicle and stood in the end cubicle there's only two cubicles right we stood got in the end one and then as soon as we fucking got in there the dooricle and stood in the end cubicle there was only two cubicles right we stood there got in the end one and then as soon as we fucking got in there

the door opened and the teacher come in and me and Roshan were in the fucking cubicle in the lady teacher's toilet in the teacher who I don't even know who it was

I'm assuming it wasn't the fucking same I couldn't tell you right but all we heard was the fucking I was just can't do it right

as well when they locked their door so it was clunk we tried to like I tried to lock this door at the well when they locked their door so it was clunk we tried to like lock I tried to lock this

door at the same time and locked it in so it was like clunk clunk and I was

like oh they've definitely heard movement they're not in here right and then all

of a sudden yeah the trousers come down and the neck has come down and then

that and we were just fucking astonished I never heard a lady

face and we made laughed and heished I never heard a lady and we made, laughed and he didn't let go held in, laughed and then tried to disguise the laugh with a fleming up and then spat into the pan like ladies do

I was looking at him and I didn't say any words but my face went Stephen like do you do you think she thinks it's normal to spit in here and he's like do you think that's fucking normal because clearly it's a lawless wasteland

and I mean she probably couldn't hear it because of the fucking volume of her piss that's an interesting point there I was just thinking of right so your teacher said it's separate there's a male teacher and a female teacher toilets so my school, Wade Academy and I could be wrong here, please feel fucking

to correct me, Wade is here, but I'm almost certain that in our school that our teachers had the same faculty toilets and they weren't gendered there and I remember thinking, and the reason I think this is true is because I remember as a kid being like,

oh, right, okay, when you're an adult, like, toilets will be gendered. Like, just because, the reason we're giving boys toilets is because we're awful and we're just going to piss up the fucking walls and girls are on their periods and everyone needs their own space at this point

because we're all filled with hormones and we're all scared and we're all idiots right but surely when you're an adult right we'll be given

the fucking same ones and then obviously you grow up and you find out they're not here's my point about gendered toilets right

I'm all up for gender neutral toilets right because one pardon the pun who gives a shit that I couldn't

give a shit that I understand if a girl doesn't want to walk into a toilet where it's me and boys pissing up against the wall there's a dude with his cock out alright

like if that's if it's the urinal bit I fully get why that's gendered girls can't use that right you can have one room which is the urinal right but if it's all city

the code but it would get on the ceiling fuck take pissing on a spoon I reckon if it's if it's all just locked doors city downies

I don't care what you got between your legs and I don't care what you identify with on the inside we're all sitting down doing your fucking thing right who gives a shit

but the reason I think they should all be gender neutral right is because like the fear is obviously if they're gender neutral, men will be shit and men will be fucking creepy. And you go, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, 100%. If it's gender neutral, you run the risk of men using that

as a place to fucking pray and be evil and just the worst of the men doing the worst of the fucking shit. But also, do you also not want that fucking self-policed by the other 80% of men that are not going to stand up for that

yeah like if it's one creepy dude could easily go into a lady's toilets but one creepy dude could difficultly

go into the men's toilets because he would be found out by the rest of the fucking dudes that would be like hey stop being creepy to the girls in here like and again

I want to say again again this is potentially another one of the dudes that would be like, hey, stop being creepy to the girls in here. Like, and again, I want to say, again, this is potentially another, one of the many ignorant opinions we have on this podcast, but in my head right now, from this opinion that I've just thought up three fucking minutes ago, here it is.

If you walk into a fucking toilet, it's all neutral, and there's one guy in there being fucking creepy, right? Obviously not if I walk through the door, right? If the guy's being creepy, and you're a girl,

and you're like, he's being creepy, and I walk through the door, and you're like, oh, fuck fuck another one another creepy dude or just someone that can clearly do

nothing physically but I would step up but like if you walk through they'd just be like hi can you can you just fucking kick his head please

can you deal with that oh you're never gonna ask and you'll walk in and you'll be like oh yeah because in that situation right realistically you walk into a gender neutral toilet and a woman goes to you that guy's freaking me out genuinely there's no doubt in your mind is there that he's done

something wrong uh no no doubt but also i hate to be called arms in the toilet like oh no I'm fighting in the loo like wrestling it goes to the ground oh man because I think obviously the whole thing is going the great movement that's currently going on I don't want to just attribute it to the fucking Me Too movement but there's

definitely in the wake of that and the ripples and the waves that sort of set off is is Men. And if you've not watched Hannah Gadsby's special on Netflix, it's brilliant. It's, as a show,

the performance is second to none. And as a man, it's uncomfortable to watch. Oh, really? I didn't even know it was on Netflix until you said that. It's just on. Because I've obviously heard

so much about the show because of the fringe and the industry I'm in. But I can just watch it now. Netflix until he said now. It's just on. Because I've obviously heard so much about this show because of the fringe and the industry I'm in. But I can just watch it now. Yep. Oh, sweet. And as a straight white man, I'll tell you, it's uncomfortable to watch because she's attacking us.

But she's so smart. But she calls. She's like, yes, I am. And I'm bringing this up and I'm letting you fucking know. And it's... Yeah, I just remember like I laughed for a whole bunch of shows because one thing people need to know about this show is it is not just

fucking show it's funny it's Hannah Gadsby is a fucking wall to wall stand up fucking comic right as a stand up she's great her jokes are fucking excellent her deliveries are brilliant but she does it in this it's you've seen my show i love show shows i love the one where that that bit where they fucking rip away the she deconstructs it so fucking well as a comic i loved it and as an audience member i loved

it and as a man i'm gonna be honest i hated it because but you hated yourself yes it made me so fucking hated your team no but me but i was called out like in the sense of like things i'm like i've definitely been compliant i've definitely not been aware of what my presence means to situation even though i think i'm not doing anything by being what i am and they you know i look i've not done anything fucking awful but if I'm walking down the street and a woman crosses the road I'm not going to be offended because clearly she would

I'm the number one danger in her life even though I'm not my people are she couldn't sum you up she had to just go just in case statistically and it's that it's very it's it's a straight one it's a fucking uncomfortable but i do recommend it but uh one of the points i got from it which is

she's just she's just like pull your fucking socks up lads like if you don't want to have this fucking reputation pull your fucking socks up and i was like aye aye that's it oh really like it's I don't I think sometimes like because we're hanging around with

largely decent people you take for granted what the world's capable of 100% like I've always and then every now and again you'll hear fucking stories

about people you were fond of and you'll be like what the fuck my innocence my innocence led me to believe that fucking most people were decent I was talking with Gareth the fuck i like my innocence my innocence led me to believe that fucking most

people were good i was talking with gareth the other day like being like i've always sort of defended toxic masculinity because the version i get a toxic masculinity is the version that you and i get which is we all make fun of each other anytime if anyone doesn't want to drink or stop doing drugs we call them weak we call them a girl we call them any sort of thing, it's always man up, it's all this, but we've also with everything we'll bring down women and homosexuals by calling my friends you're a bitch or you're gay or you're like

we're complicit, even though we're trying to do it with a layer of irony, even with the irony, it's still complicit in the problem absolutely, right, so along with all that and deep down all of us know that like, if we ever need one of our guy friends to be there for us they will 100 be there for us in that moment right which is great but that is not common right so for me to try and defend toxic masculinity about being like look i'm part of a toxic masculinity group and everything's

fucking great there that is not the fucking rest of it going on. The other fucking lads in the world. Well, I've actually got an argument for toxic masculinity. I've got... I'm excited. Are you excited for it? I mean, ish. So, me and Natalie went to watch the England match in a pub yesterday because we thought, we're in London, it's sunny,

let's go to an outdoor beer garden where there's a big screen and watch the England match. And, of course, it's full of, yeah, textbook toxic masculinity We're in London. It's sunny. Let's go to an outdoor beer garden where there's a big screen and watch the England match. And of course, it's full of, yeah, textbook, toxic masculine London fucking lad.

Lad, lad, lad, right? They're all in good shape. They've all got great hair. They've all got strong jawlines. They're all balanced, right? And they are fucking chanting and beating their chests and all that shit, right?

And it's easy to hate them. It is so easy to hate them because Natalie is, Natalie's Scottish, but she is not on that I hate England Scottish tip. She wants England to do well because a lot of her friends are English, right?

She celebrated the goals when they went in because she was in a room full of people celebrating the goals and all that shit. But she was like, oh, I get why people hate England now. I get why people hate England fans

because of these cunts, right? And then, I was like, if we went to war, if we needed a D-Day landing right now, you do know those people outside are the ones proud enough and stupid enough

to get in that boat and be your bullet sponge to keep you safe. Those lads would fucking put their life on the line for you to watch the fucking match in this pub. And I wouldn't. I fucking wouldn't. You wouldn't.

I was like, they're toxic in their cunts, but only because they've got nowhere to put that fucking testosterone. They've got nowhere to put it. So they put it in a football match in a beer garden, which, by the way, I'd rather them do that than do it in a fucking anywhere else. Right. But I'd rather them do that

than actually on the beach in Normandy, right? right so but they are the people that we would call upon to win our it'll never happen again like that that's never gonna happen again but those people are still existing no there's people they get we look back these heroes have got war memorials for those guys but those guys had somewhere to put it so they never got to manifest into this fucking chest beating football hooligan. They got to fucking shoot people, kill people, or die, right? And then we fucking die, right? And we lay poppies down for them.

We lay poppies down for those guys that are beating their chest in the fucking football. And I think, like, because I'm older now, and I can look at them and just go, oh, bless, they've got nowhere to put it. But they have, they've got somewhere to put it in the football. But I guess, well, not I guess. The counter-argument to that is, is one, the war that you're suggesting these people will be good in will 99% be started by toxic masculinity itself.

Oh, yeah. Like, in that sense, it's the hate feeds hate feeds fucking hate. And then also, I guess the other thing is, you know, we've obviously, you've got that fucking testosterone, you've got this fucking thing. Why is that the outlet?

And also, why does there need to be an outlet? Right. Why does there need to be a war? Why does there need to be a football team? Why do men feel the need to let off this steam in that such an aggressive way? I think the argument against it is being like obviously yes, you've got your fucking

outlets, but why do you and is there not a better way? Is there not a way as kids to stop them? I hate to get on mental health again, but how come when chemicals come into your body that make you anxious or anything like that, then they're really like, oh shit, we need to help this person. But when chemicals come into your body that like make you anxious or anything like that then they're really like oh shit we need to help this person

but when chemicals come into your body that make you destructive because they are getting chemicals in their body that make them like well I guess because

because then it's also why don't you go oh shit that's something they have to deal with that's hormones they have to deal with but I don't think it is

because I think it's I think it's group mentality like Darren Brown's done so many fucking great shows on what a mob mentality does right and that's what a lot of football hooliganism is it's like you'll do something that you would never do

you would never punch a fucking stranger in the head if it was just you and them in the middle of the street for no reason right but it's fucking for no reason for no reason for no other I always think that when I'm watching I watch sometimes watch a

brawl video if it comes up like oh my god this happened in whatever why did that person kick who kicks someone while they're down it's like you're

in the fucking the one that happened at the races where they were all in the fucking like done up to the nines with their fucking

free piece suits on and waistcoats and all that shit and they're fighting I don't know if you saw that viral video I was watching that going how do they

know which one to punch how do you know who's the enemy are you just punching somebody at this point are you just like could you end up punching your own pal

because you're just so gripped by this pack instinct to destroy that you've just got to punch anything right now so I think that

instead of like for you to be like yeah but these guys will be good in war a war that you've also said they'll be useless in war a war that you've also said they'll be useless in because the next war

is nuke based and like doesn't matter nuke these guys nuke the George while the match is on doesn't matter doesn't matter

how much flesh you have on the fucking line there it's like you've got we've got to find a way not necessarily to prevent it but to

make it more manageable because I I watch football I get fucking weird about how much I get in football Not necessarily to prevent it, but to make it more manageable. Man, because I watch football, I get fucking weirded out by how much I get into football. It's just the side of myself, I get fucking uncomfortable. When I watch the England v Scotland...

You just shout football occasionally when you're watching it. England football! Football! Football! Like, you know me, I'm not, I've never, I'm always actively getting,

I talk a big game because I enjoy that side of it and I know deep down I'll never get into a fight. Because you know me I'm not I've never I'm always actively getting I talk a big game because I enjoy that side of it and I know deep down I'll never get into a fight because you know you've got them chemicals in your body

that get like they get activated by it you've got that fucking raw primal fucking destructive thing that like when the football's on it ignites them

and it feels good and it's also in the same thing which was my one defensive talk to masculine I'm like but when you're in the team it's great like the same thing which was my one defensive talk to masculine I'm like but when you're in the team

it's great like having a bunch of boys having a bunch of close fucking mates and I guess that's the fucking sacrifice it's like we're all being

complicit in the problem and that's when I watched the football yesterday I was watching it indoors because

outdoors was packed like fucking sardines of fucking just fucking topless fucking 20 year olds just fucking

sweating even if it wasn't sunny sweating on a winter's day where am I going to put this angst my father never hugged me so

me and Natalie and Elliot who was one of them watched the match indoors because you could get moved and there was a bar there it had its practical things but the two times there was a penalty Natalie didn't

but me and Elliot took ourselves outside because we're like we want to get caught in that wave of fucking emotion when the penalty if the penalty goes in right

and on both accounts both penalties went in and we did straight away just start celebrating like the fucking rest of them right we let it fucking flood in

and it's a great feeling when people say they aren't into football it's such a small investment to be able to have that feeling why as an England fan oh fuck

hold on I was going to say I support Newcastle so it's a big investment so every now and again you get that you get that feeling

where you're just like this is why I deal with the laws of support football so you get to but if you've seen any of the videos where the goals go in

and it's an outdoor beer garden the beers go up in the air everyone throws their beers up in the air and it rains beers now I knew that was going to happen

I knew I was going to get wet but as soon as Harry Kane's penalty hit the back of the net a full beer went in my face that means that means somebody this is their narrative

somebody clocked us and went, that cunt's going to get it off this thing. And then they went in and he was like, bless him. And I celebrated for a fucking tenth of a second before I was like, who did that? That was gross just as I took a big intake of breath

oh man fucking worth it though anyway what's your muggle corner hold on I'm going to pause this because I need to piss we're doing an extended podcast

yeah this is an hour and ten minutes but it is the 100th podcast it is the 100th fucking episode are we actually going to delete the earlier yes we are right I'm going to pause this

so what before I do my muggle corner what was yours again hundredth fucking episode. Oh, actually, you're going to delete the earlier one? Yes, we are. Right, I'm going to pause this. So, before I do my Muggle Corner, what was yours again? We're segwayed like seven times or something. Just the fucking, oh, the old soccer ball, you're going to kick the ball

between the fucking posts. Like, undermining it by over-describing it. Just any, describing the World Cup as anything other than the fucking World Cup to just highlight how outside of the World Cup is anything other than the fucking World Cup to just highlight

how outside of the bubble you are. I'm outside the bubble, so therefore I'm actually able to give you all a very unique perspective on what you're all doing. I'm David Attenborough and you are merely the animals of the world, so allow me to narrate

you and all of your little experiences fucking fuck off Wimbledon's coming up soon right? I think it's the second of July? Yeah imagine we

started that one That soon is that what's the date? Fuck it next week so Wimbledon's going to be on Is everyone watching the old grunty netball?

Just all backhanded pingy ball. I used to have that for the Atari. It was called Pong. I didn't get excited about it in my day. I'm probably not going to pay that much attention to Wimbledon. I'll probably watch the final. That tends to happen. Did you not watch that one

when Andy Murray got to the final yes and I watched the Nadal Federer one that went on forever mate I watched

the Andy Murray one as a scott you latch on to anything you latch

on to any of your boys you'll find he's a British tennis player he's a

Scottish tennis player that's a Scottish fucking tennis player no no that's not how we do things with tennis we do that with football but not with with tennis

in the Olympics we are having hoy if we are having we're going to have your best athletes call them British but as soon as

you're shitting it you're on your own at least we've got Colin that Andy Murray one I got properly into I remember I was actually involved but as soon as you're shite to death, you're on your own. At least we got Colin. That Andy Murray one, I got properly into. I remember,

I was actually involved in the, I was involved in one of the most muggle, muggle situations I've ever been in my life, right? Remember the day, I had to fly to London for some reason,

right? And I'm watching the Murray final, and I know, I'm like, if this ends quick, I'll watch the whole match before the fight, but it doesn't. It's a fucking long ass set. I get watching the Murray final. And I know, I'm like, if this ends quick, I'll watch the whole match before the fight. But it doesn't.

It's a fucking long ass set. I get to the airport. Right? Everyone's watching it in the airport. Watching on their phones. I'm leaning off of people's shoulders. I'm talking to people. You know me.

I fucking hate talking to strangers. I hate it. I've got no interest. I'm looking over at people's shoulders being like, I reckon he can do it this year. And they're like, I reckon he can too. And I'm like over at people's shoulders being like I reckon he can do it this year and they're like I reckon he can too and I'm like oh on the plane halfway through the air

the pilot comes over and goes he's done it that's all he said and the whole plane cheered including me for the longest of never

of never of never that is everything you're against nah everything I'm against in one moment Andy Murray won Wimbledon and I was like

start singing for us go and I was like start singing Thor's God I was like come on Tim I mean Andy oh my god in an extension of the

extension of those muggles who like poo poo the world cup in general anybody who yesterday

poo pooed England's defeat of Panama right like do you think there's an England fan that didn't know

that Panama are like minnows they're like they're a minor team right so of course we know that but fuck man

we were 5-0 up at half time right Belgium beat them 3-0 so you go oh they're just a baby team you're like we're biggest rival in my group beat them by less than that after 90 minutes and we're winning 3-0 so you go oh they're a baby team you're like we're biggest rival

in my group beat them by less than that after 90 minutes and we're winning 5-0 at halftime when we need we've fucking got so much doubt

we didn't fucking win a game in the last World Cup never mind we won 6-1 we fucking scraped through the first game the celebration

from us wasn't victory it was relief aye it's a relief it was fucking a relief when we were celebrating

our five and a half time and you know what we can make them subs and put on them players their roles and come on and give them

a bit of experience so if we need them it's not going to be the first foot on the pitch if Harry Kane gets injured you got your fucking backups out there and look

I was it means we can fucking put Rashford up front instead of Sterling on what's that noise so we can put

Rashford up front we can fucking rest Kyle Walker so there's enough things to celebrate to celebrate it right and then we'll come out of that

and all you see is a bunch of people who don't like football who aren't from England or whatever saying mention about should we take this

foot to the other room so as I was saying over the top of the lawnmower there's enough things to celebrate whatever, saying, mentioned about the, shall we take this foot to the other room? Aye. So as I was saying, over the top of the lawnmower, is, there was enough things to celebrate for England, but we're very aware of what's going on. And then everyone starts popping up with like, hey, you do know they're just a small team, and the population of the country come into play so many fucking times. Iceland?

Iceland, fucking yes. Newsflash, they fucking put the USA out. I mean, they got beat in the qualifying round against the USA, but the USA was in the same qualifying group as the one that they qualified through. The fucking United States of America, the whole of the United States of America

couldn't find 11 people good enough to beat Panama. They couldn't. Guess what? China's not in the World Cup. India's not in the World Cup. It isn't fucking directly proportional to fucking how many people are in that

country as someone why patronise the fuck out of a club as someone that is absolutely all for England being fucking knocked out

it was an impressive fucking game how could we go away on set pieces and you were very impressive you were even

impressive in the fucking Tunisia one you had two penalties not fucking given and I say this as someone that you you know... Look, I... I'm the worst person, and I'm a muggle for this,

but it's part of being Scottish. I know I was born in London, but I was raised in Scotland, my family's Scottish. Like, I'm Scottish. I do not remember my time in England, right? So for me, I'm Scottish. It's where I am, it's where I live, it's where I want to live for the rest of my life. I'm Scottish.

And part of that is we just hate you in the football. We just do. You know I don't hate you normally. But just in the football part, being Scottish is hating the English in any World Cup. And I'm enjoying this thing because it means when you do get knocked out, it's all the more succulent. I'm enjoying this thing because it means when you do get knocked out it's all the more succulent

but as even as someone with everything against England then both games you've been very very impressive like this is

I genuinely yesterday do you know what I did as a little fucking caveat I'm so nervous about England now winning the World Cup I've put a bet on them

to win it oh no oh shit just so that I get something out of it just in case yeah because for me that Tunisia game

it was a 2-1 scrape against Tunisia and everyone was like oh you're banging on about the best African nation and all that stuff right but like Jesse Lingard didn't quite have his eye in

he had a fucking great game but if he scored them to essentially sit us that was that was for one and there was two still more penalties it could have been

the same fucking result as it was against Panama and then when I watched it back knowing that we got away with it without me arse clenched That was for one. And there was two still more penalties. It could have been the same fucking result as it was against Panama. Absolutely could have been. And then when I watched it back, knowing that we got away with it without me arse clenching fucking beginning to end, I watched back a fucking really decent team. Yeah. I watched Ghana. They made the right fucking selections.

Let's not talk about fucking football too much. Too much. But they're all in it. What's your muggle corner? My muggle corner. Because I've also got one secret game I think we should just play before we go into that okay okay

I need to get my phone as well before the dad jokes but I can remember what the muggle corner I wrote down was it was muggles as adults but sometimes

even the kids when they try and catch out a magician what do you do when it goes it's not magic I am 100%

in the corner oh yeah why do you think it's magic if. I am 100% on the corner. Oh, yeah. Why? Do you think it's magic? If you try and catch them out but don't, do you go, oh, yeah, it is magic then? For two reasons.

One, the way my dad raised me. You can never, ever... Whenever I watched magic with my dad as a kid, right, my dad's into magic. He loves it, right? Dad loves magic, good magic. And loves it. Dad loves magic. Good magic. And he likes it because, and this is the other reason,

if you can work it out, if you know how to work out fucking magic tricks, it makes the ones that you can't work out a million times more impressive. And that's why Penn & Tell has it made. They'll do the cup trick with clear cups. Yes. Right? So I'm that person. I saw what you did there so i'll

show you a video after this i don't know if you've seen it was on a pen and tellers foolers show have you seen the uh uh the guy that did the trick the silent tricks with smoke no i'll show you that that to me type in that video uh pen and teller foolers smoke video for the listeners uh pen and teller foolers uh smoke magician watch that and that is one of the ones i've watched with my dad and again me my dad watch all magic we're like this is what he did there this is what i did they work all out because it's fun to work out what the tricks are because in the same way that i enjoyed aaron brown because he says the whole time he's like i'm lying to you i'm full of shit and i'm like but how did you do it though darren he's like i lied to you and i'm

like i know but what did you do what did you really do uh like I lied to you and I'm like I know but what did you do? What did you really do? When we watched Penn and Teller in Vegas I remember that one bit because I said to you there's one bit where I went to you I went that's Teller. You got someone from the audience on stage and I turned to you right then

I went that's Teller in makeup and then by the end of the trick it was Teller and you were like how did you get that? I'm like, I'm a genius. But getting that right felt so good, one. And then to be fooled by the rest of the show made everything so much better.

Because you only got one thing. Because it's like, first of all, I think I'm a fucking genius now. I've caught one, so I'm a fucking genius. And then you fooled me with 90% of the other shit. Didn't he fucking, didn't he do some fucked up thing where they got a guy on stage and they fucking got his phone and they fucking put it in a bucket or something. And it's, instead of a fish.

And then they rang his phone and it was underneath someone's seat and they put it under the stage and they cut the fish open. They had to cut the fish open. Instead of his own phone. You know what I mean? Yeah. How? And I know how you steal and I know how you steal

I know how you palm things I know how you do they have an actual runner that incision to fish put it in the fish and then

quickly like come under a trap door and then if someone stuck it there because that's the type of thing that they're like you always go

so how would you do that right like the one where they got do you see the guy where they brought him on stage and they said, is this your car? And he opened the curtains and he had his car key in his pocket and he fucking beeped and the car opens.

Great, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they fucking pickpocketed him, got his car and then pickpocketed him in the interval to put his keys back in his pocket. Great. Which is what all the illusion is. Did I ever tell you about the greatest magician trick I ever fucking heard of?

My dad was a corporate... No, in fact, his mate was a magician. I might have told this to you before, but not on the podcast. So this guy's a corporate magician, right? And so one of his... My dad used to do this trick all the time, which is during the day,

he'd go put the six of spades on the window from the outside, right, and just leave it on the window knowing full well that nobody's going to fucking look at the window because why would you? It's a shit window. Not important there. Then later on, he'd go, oh, I'll show you a magic trick. And he'd make you pick a card, but he can force you to take a card.

Right? So you pick up the six of spades. He shuffles it, goes, is that your card? And you're like, no. And he gets out and he's gets out he's like oh i'm shit at this throws it against the window all the cards fall down and the six of spades is on the outside right that's how the magic trick's done you place the card somewhere uh you then force the thing and it's more impressive because it's on the outside prestige yeah yeah you just use like i used to do that just with a fucking little bit of butter on the outside of the card and put it on the outside of the window as a kid. Yeah, just a very, very easy trick.

This corporate magician, right? So he's doing that trick, but what it is is before everyone comes into the room for the gig, he puts the Ace of Spades up on the ceiling, right? So he does it, gets a ladder, puts the Ace of Spades way up high on the ceiling, does all his fucking magic. It's going well enough. Does his final fucking trick, goes pick a card

the guy picks ace of spades this is your cards, jack of clubs, no it's not it, oh fuck throws it up to the ceiling, right, and he looks up and the two of diamonds is on the ceiling right, he's forced to get

it's the ace of spades, he's 100% certain that he put the ace of spades on the roof and everyone in the room looks up 400 people, and it's the ace of spades he's 100 certain that he put the ace of spades on the roof and everyone in the room looks at 400 people and it's the two of diamonds on the roof and he's like how far fucked this up i've done this trick a thousand times i haven't put the wrong card on the table right and after five seconds of silence the two of diamonds peels away and falls down revealing the ace of the ace of spades and the kraut

loses its fucking mind and this magician has to stand there right and just like calmly because he can't be like

he's got to be like yeah absolutely he spent four weeks trying to learn how he did that to see if he could never replicate it.

To see if he could do it. It was a one-off fucking magic trick. Kerry Mox did something like that when he was a magician. Yeah. So I feel bad because Kerry has got... This is a Chinese whispers version of Kerry's story. It's like everyone can remember that, right? If we get it back on the podcast,

we'll get it to tell it properly. But he had this thing where you would get a cigarette out of someone's pack, right? And he would pretend it's rolled away, but it would go down his sleeve, and then he'd pull it out somewhere else later on. Like I said, this is my version of his story. And then one time, he went to do the throw away bit with a cigarette, where it actually slid out of his hand, right?

And it slipped out of his hand, and it fell into the girl's cleavage. But she hadn't noticed but he had, because he fumbled it it landed in her cleavage, right and then he had to do, like, this prestige where he was, like, checking your top, and she looked and the cigarette was there, and her mind

was fucking blown but it was a mistake, and the fucking cunts come back to see him he couldn't dig it again. He just had to dig the regular shit. And they were like, oh, we didn't do the cleavage thing again. And I was like, ah, that was in the same place. Those guys must have looked like such perverts throughout that gig,

just constantly checking their tits every five seconds just to see whatever it got them. They were actually waxing with a really low cut top on. Do it again, do it again. All right, look, I agree with you. Trying to ruin magic, those cunts havees with a really low cut top on. Do it again, do it again. All right, look, I agree with you. Try to ruin magic. Those cunts have fucking sat there and explained it to you. You're like, just enjoy the thing.

And I am that person, but I am a muggle. Because I'll do that where they go, you know, if they go, right, now check this box and see if there's a hole in it, right? And I'll check the box and see if there's a hole in it.

But unless I had that instruction, I wouldn't be like, give me that box. I'm going gonna check for a hole because you're like no like they are everything they are instructing you to do and every time they are leading you to do is part of the trick all right so play along with it because i'm a big i'm a big fan of that like illusion of spontaneity that's why i hate it when i hate it here's a strong word i dislike it when a comedian says i've done that gig yesterday in Liverpool and somebody heckled

with this and you're like don't tell them of course they're not stupid of course they know you do that gig Gareth Waugh used to Gareth Waugh used to say

he was he did he had a joke which he'd done for three years which most of us do jokes jokes for about

anywhere between two and fifteen years do this fucking same joke just depends what the joke is Gareth didn't update the age he was like jokes for about anywhere between two and fifteen years it's the fucking same joke just depends on what the joke is Gareth didn't update the age

he was like so I'm twenty three and I'm like you're twenty five he did he's just still he's still here because the age

was important to the joke or at least he was like it doesn't work if I'm twenty five I'm like still though didn't update it

didn't they Adam Bloom's got a great line about, yes, I've had other audiences, but you guys are the best. Yeah, go get your phone for the dad jokes. Yes. And then I've got one more game.

And then, right, I'm not going to pause it. Okay, I'll just keep talking. I'm going to let you freestyle. Just so I can listen to it. All right. So, hey listeners, it's me, Daniel Sloss, it's your favourite one. Oh, genuinely,

this is one of the ones where I want the European and anyone who plans to come see us on tour listeners, this is one of the very few moments where I would need you to interact with us on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and in any way you can, no hope. Last year we said that we wanted to

do the uh like uh if we bought a bunch of hoodies that or shirts that said hashtag team cream hashtag team muggins the game we were going to play was i would buy 20 team cream ones i would buy 20 cream muggins ones and we would never sell them online but if you came up to us directly and say i want to buy a shirt uh we would then sell and whoever sells out fastest wins and then we can have a fair representation of who the favorite on the podcast is and it's a horrible game but i should also have five team milk ones go back with all of them after a full three months

um but if you are if you could because i'm so up for that game because i think it's it could be hoodies it would have to be t-shirts because we're fucking we can't travel that heavy But if you are... I'm so up for that game because I think it's very... It could be hoodies. It would have to be t-shirts because we can't travel that heavy. Aye, aye. Yeah, maybe shirts. But I reckon it's well worth fucking doing.

But if there's enough people, just let us know because if there's clearly the numbers for it... We'll do it. I'll 100% do it. But don't give away who you're going to buy. No, no, no, don't. Just be like,

I'm up for the t-shirt comp. Just say, I'm up for the t-shirt comp. And if there up for the t-shirt comp and if there's look if there's over fucking 15 then it's worth the game because some people don't have twitter and facebook and all that other shit so i mean i don't know if you're listening to it like this is the only way you find do they just have itunes well the amount of people that asked me for the uh who choose juice one uh oh yeah shocked me and then i failed most of them because I'm an idiot and I'm lazy but this one I'll actually have them

on me at all times hey are you ready to admit now that it was an ill judged move to go to Samsung to go to Samsung from iPhone

oh yeah it was a Barry's podcast which we're about to record for the World Cup you couldn't download it because it wasn't on Podbean you know

it's like you can't have iTunes on a Samsung it's like you've got Samsung you can't have Google because it wasn't on Podbean. You know, it's like, well, you can't have iTunes on a Samsung. It's like, oh, you've got Samsung, you can't have Google now. Well, it does make sense. It'd be like, no, no. I mean, that's like, we've been like, wait, wait, wait, hold on. So I just bought this for you, put it on, but I can't have a BMW logo on the front.

Like, iTunes is Apple. It's like saying, oh, I bought a BMW, so I can't have a Sony radio. Like, you still can have the radio in it. Well, I mean, they're not direct. But they're not direct competition. There are other apps. I'm an idiot with the Samsung,

but that's my argument of why iPhone is better as a Samsung user is because I don't have to find the loopholes. With Apple, it's all just fucking there. Yeah. Right. My secret game, my special one, just because, first of all, we're half cut.

It's our 100th episode. It's the 100th podcast. We've had, you 100th podcast we've had you'll agree we've had many episodes where we've obviously most of them we've had

the time of our lives and we all all to you but there have also been many episodes where we've genuinely had

goes at each other genuinely that's what I like about this podcast is there's one of them that was just a one hour fallout aye but that's what I think about this podcast is... There's one of them that was just a one hour fallout. Aye.

But that's what I think is great about the podcast. The end of the European tour, it was like we were fatigued. This podcast is not manufactured. This is you and me being ourselves, how we are normally. And that's why, you know, I don't begrudge the fact that this podcast will never get successful, because why would somebody's in conversation ever get successful?

But in the same breath makes me so... It's why it's so important to people that listen to it all the time. Which means the world to me. The fact that there are 1,500 people... And we've never censored anything that we've said. We censored something that one person said by their request. And it was just because the person had legal reasons. Legal reasons.

That was it. That was the only time we censored. So you guys are getting the raw version of it. But we're obviously always horrible to each other. Every episode, regardless. I thought it would be just for the 100th episode. And I didn't give you a chance to write this because really it's a job.

You want to be from the heart. I think we should just say one nice thing to each other that we genuinely appreciate. I've done this before. We have. This is Thanksgiving. The Thanksgiving episode, it wasn't a game but we just randomly started thanking each other.

I know we used to do I love you but but that was another very bitchy version of this game. The Thanksgiving we started thanking each other for stuff that we'd done. Because you and I have had so many interactions in public and around other people where you and I yell at each other and get into these heated fucking debates because

we know we're never going to fall out and people are like you're yelling at each other and we're like yes that's how we argue but it looks like you hate each other and people I think you guys are probably more aware of the depth of the fucking relationship that you're aware that we're not going to fucking fall out but just as

a special 100th episode just say one nice thing about each other that we really appreciate and then i'll rip the shit out of your dad so for me i'll go first just give you time to think uh there has never been a moment in our friendship where you have not been there for me to a hundred percent I can give far from when I done the 100th episode without you in fact you know what I just brought this up I will delete that in a heartbeat

I'm going to delete that now anything from my book I was talking about it the other day again this is another thing where I keep trying to justify toxic masculinity and i shouldn't try to do it but you and i have this relationship there's one moment that always sticks out my ex-girlfriend who will remain nameless you and i were living together i was going through a breakup with her and you and i insulted each other all the fucking time that's all it is nothing's too soon the second something

bad happens and you tell the other person it's like all right there come the next seven insults and this is a fact that's what and it's always if something serious happened that's a fear in the back of your head broke up with this girl and i was feeling shit because it was my fault and i was like broke up with her i didn't want to drive home because that's where you were and i had puffy eyes because i've been crying for an hour and i was like don't want to go home to my mate because i don't i'm not ready to be laughed at yet like it's too raw and i've always prided myself on stuff being not too raw like there's no my whole stance is there's no such thing as too soon right you make fucking jokes and i remember sitting in the driveway for 10 minutes and looking in the mirror with my puffy eyes just being like just let them go down just let them go down

and then I walked in because the living room used to be downstairs I was like I've got the front door I'll just run to the shower I'll get in the shower and then I'll just claim

that my finished crying aye and I'll just claim that my puffy eyes are from the shower you know you know how showers work

you know me I shower face up yeah there's a lot of pollen in the water this year I walked to the front door and I think you were hanging up your coat and you saw my

face and I was like I just fucking came over I didn't say anything you just hugged me that's it I had to be crying I didn't know

I gave you a hug it was me that needed the hug don't confuse my weakness for kindness. You saw the look in my eyes. I came upstairs. You clearly saw the tears in my eyes and just the fear.

I was just sad. I'm just sad. And you just hugged me. And it was so nice because it was such a... And I slowly grabbed your arse. Are you single now? Look, normally I don't go for sloppy seconds.

But time is money. But that's what I'll say is I've genuinely never had any struggle in my life that I've ever gone through that I've ever doubted being able to come to you with in your life

I'm too foos in the night aye but my life didn't start until I met you laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

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laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter, L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L- Wayne on Red Wayne mixing your grapes so now I've got to

say something I appreciate you giving this tape to think but I still haven't thought of anything oh that's a good that's a good one

here's one you always like treat us to nice stuff all the time you just like honestly you're like the sugar daddy

like who the blue now? Who buys a Switch? Oh, sweetie. I think you suck a dick. Should I suck his dick? And then, what did you do the other day? Because I'm like, I'd never,

this is what I think is a problem with some people, is they'll expect financial backing off people. They'll expect, they'll see that there's a, they'll see a difference between their financial situation another person's financial situation and then lean on theirs and I'd never fucking ever do that to anybody so as soon as I left Edinburgh the other day I realized that because you've done a lot of stuff on fucking Just Eat and you booked the things for the thing that we're done online. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I text you, just going, what's the damage? How much do I owe you for the thing? And you were like, I don't mention it. I was just like,

it doesn't matter. It's all right. You know, it was a nice feeling. I was just like, he's always doing nice stuff like that. He's always

taking us with you on your journey. No, but it's not that. But it's also like, I've genuinely, thank you, first of all. But it's not it's also like I've genuinely thank you first of all but for me it's always look I've been very lucky

in my career where it's come to I've been secure financially for a period of time but genuinely what

it makes a file the times you want to eat at the hotel restaurant and it's my run when I just got out of the subway it's fucking 50 yards away like I want 50 yards I'm like I want 50 quid

for me it's always there's like there's the like life is fucking but why would you not share everything like

like if I want something fucking fun to happen and it's good for my fucking mates and we're going to have a fucking good time and I can afford it if I can afford it without thinking of it which again is a hugely privileged position to be in but also tough shit cunts

that's the position I'm in I know it's unfair but it is but if I'm in that fucking position why would you not ever just make sure that everyone else is having the best... If you're having the best time and you can fucking expand that outwards, why wouldn't you?

So I suppose it would be... It would be like if you'd bought that Switch and then for yourself, and then we went on tour and you're playing on your Switch next to another flight car. Ha! Ha!

You're playing on your Switch next to another flight car. Ha! Just sending... Because you're not fine well, I'd totally just go straight to the Dixons in the airport and buy one and just cancel one of my mates from the wedding invite list. Looks like I can't afford them to eat at my wedding. Just sending you photos just sending you photos

of just me at the fucking Anderson Silva Weidman fight. Just being like, all right, now you can buy Natalie dinner. Wish you were here,

but not to the tune of a few quid. And wish that on. Yeah, you took us to Vegas that was nice. Oh man. But then also,

I truly believe, You've always tried nice but then also I truly believe you've always translated like Prince I truly believe that if and when you're in that position you'll be the same like it's

treat others how you I do pay for it because I do find myself every now and again I'll be in a like a financial

windfall where I've done a you've also bought me stuff all the time I've done a bunch of gigs in a row and then like I'll be

suggesting cocaine to people who are like oh no I've fucking they can a row and then I'll be suggesting cocaine to people who are like, oh no, I've fucking, they can't afford it. I'll be like, I can afford it. I can afford to buy my buddy some cocaine and I'm not going to do that alone. Yeah, because then it's a problem.

Anyway, I love you, buddy. I hope we've had a good hundred episodes together. Ditto. I love you too,'ve had a good hundred episodes together Ditto I love you too Daniel Put the gun down Manufacturer, I do not have my dick out Right

Do we have anything to plug? Except for our gaping arseholes That got really creepy just then Oh yes, Friday, Saturday We are in Paisley gaping arseholes yeah that got really creepy just then oh yes Friday Saturday we are in Paisley Sunday we are

Tringe Tring Tringe Tring I think it's like I think it's phonetically Tring the place is called Tring

but because they're doing a play on the word fringe okay they're putting it on the ending called the Tringe Festival so we're doing the Tringe Comedy Festival

we're both doing our previews for edinburgh show yep uh then on which are coming like we're pulling

it out our ass again like the shows i actually think this year we've started earlier we've done our first three previews

uh mini previews not quite an hour and everything that we put into action become funny by the third day aye, aye, the shows are there

we're doing well so if anyone's in Trinch, come along, support us there that would be great the Fringe itself, August all of August next week I'm in LA but I'll be back by the Friday and Saturday to I think it's

Cumbernauld and Craveford in for Scottish people. Have you got Punch Drunk next week? Yes. Fellow Scotsman Larry Dean and fellow homosexual Larry Dean are both doing the show. Larry Dean's fucking amazing.

He's so good. He's been an actor. I've been dying to get on Punch Drunk for a long, long time. Larry Dean is genuine. Wait, have you had two Punch Drunks in a row? You've had genuine wait if you two Punch Drunk you've had two Scottish Poofters this is true

spread them out people are going to start to talk and then Elna Tainan Irish Queen Elna Tainan is going to be on

it's fucking so far so fantastic and then the third and final act on the bill is Andy Askins oh fucking hell what a line up right

who he is the most asked about act right that's why they call him Andy Askins. Oh, fucking hell. What a lineup, right? Who, he is the most asked about act, right? That's why they call him Andy Askins. I'd better ask somebody. So he is the most audience members, you know, like a lot of audience members will be like, hey, can we have like Daniel Sloss back? Every now and again that'll happen.

Hey, can we have someone else back? Natalie gets annoyed, doesn't she? It's annoying. Bill Nichols, another one that gets regularly asked back Delisa Tremonda obviously gets asked back a lot

Andy Askins is up there with the most asked for acts out of the people I've had but he played the only ever January gig that we've done which is when we

realised that people don't come out in January people hibernate in January people have that Christmas blowout and then try and get fit and save money for January so we didn't have many

people come to see him but everybody that come to see him was like he's the best roof I've ever had let's get him back so the idea is get him back in the summer, fill the rooms and he's going to fucking obliterate the joint. Great. So that's going to be on Monday, Tuesday

In fact a week today Second, third, fourth Second in Cramlington Third in Blythe Fourth in Ashington And this is the last time there's tickets available Because September sold out There isn't in August, September sold out

October is good as sold out And then November So if you want to come to Punchdrunk between now and November Get it, get on there September sold out. October is good as sold out. And then November. So if you want to come to Punch Drunk between now and November, it's... Get it. Get on now. All right, get it on. All right. Your dad cuts his toenails with a can opener.

The Swiss Army knife one as well, not even a good one. Your dad... Your dad gnawed down Gnawed down an entire tree like a beaver And it took him 18 months Your dad sucks onto the bottom of airplanes With his lips like those little fish On the bottom of sharks

Your dad rides to nightclubs Thanking them for a great night out In the morning after a sesh. Your dad's arse is so kicked with shite that he has to grind on a cheese grater to get it off like a bear on a tree. Your dad called someone's bluff when they said

put me in your suitcase. And now he's on a fast load of charge. Her name was Made Madeline McCann she froze to death your dad uses marigolds as keeper gloves cool

your dad kept every nappy you ever wore and physically throws them in your face when you want some wait I'm gonna do

this again right you're now your dad aye you're now every time he changed your nappy? Aye. Instead of putting them in the bin? Aye.

He kept them? Aye. And every time he asked you to do something, you're like, oh no, I can't be bothered. He physically falls a nappy in your face and goes, look what I did. Changed your nappy, didn't I? He's got a point.

Yep. Your dad fills Smarties tubes with prunes and uses it as a flashlight. Smarties tube. Skinny old wiener. prunes and uses it as a fleshlight. Smarty's tube. That's a skinny old word. Your dad went into a unisig and I'm drunk.

It's three in the afternoon. Your dad went into a unisig toilet and he wasn't sure what the container was beside the loo so he reached in with his hand and he's never going to do that again.

Because he's dead. He has AIDS. There's a mouse trap in it. Your dad fills smartish tubes with prunes and uses it as a flashlight.

You're drunk as well? That's the one you did last night? No. Changed it from flashlight to flashlight. Wait. This is a long one. Your dad. your dad started a huge group on whatsapp with people from different friendship circles and then sent the plans for his birthday celebrations a few of

his friends made their excuses why they couldn't make it but most of them left the group without saying anything and there's one of the two of the lads still left in the group that use it to drop inappropriate videos in of midget porn and stuff. A tale as old as time. I'll match your love with an alarm. Your dad is dead excited for this Saturday, right? Because it's his sixth attempt to join a Jackson 5 tribute band. He honestly has no idea why they won't let him join. But we all know

it's because he hasn't fucked enough kids. That's funny, because that's what the white one did. Your dad always loses his pen when he puts it back in his ears, but now he keeps it between his poking up lips and his nose. Your dad can fit a banana in his mouth,

close his mouth, and then spit it out tied in a double knot. Your dad had a dream that his water's broke and he woke up in a puddle of piss. Your dad gives a limp handjob. Your dad gives a limp hand job. Your dad always carries dog leaves in his pocket just in case. Are you done?

Aye. I've got one more. Go on then. Your dad can't be asked to pray every day. So he's got a recording of him praying and he plays that on a daily basis and just hopes God wouldn't notice. Fucking life hack. He's listening to billions of

prayers he's not going to notice. He's like, I'm sure I had that one yesterday. Like a nice omnipotent but he's not pernickety. It's actually one way to get God's attention by waterboarding him with the same prayer on a daily basis do you know

my opinion with praying praying praying do you know I say trit instead of treated do you notice that earlier

trit somebody trit someone knows like a past participle of treated is trit it's not treated it's like jump and jam

what's that instead of jumped jam is not a word jumped jam but Scottish people say a jam a's that instead of jumped jam is not a word jumped jump but Scottish people say a jam a jam in the water a jam in the river

a jam to conclusions we had a on Teach Me Sister this is from saying willant you know I will I willant you willant do that

and then like it's won't but like she got it eventually obviously she's an adult now I'm not supposed to say willant but like it's weird

because like it was hard to reverse engineer that because we're taught that that's how language works. We should figure that out for ourselves. That Willant should be the opposite of Will. That's probably something to do with the fucking Latins. Fucking Latins. Them lot. So yeah, I've always said this with praying.

As if there is a God, which I doubt. As if he wants us ring me oh he knows where I am I think I fucking keep ringing Eid every day like hey God

I don't know if you're listening but text back please TP fuck God give me a bell if you want us I'm sure you won't get an ego about it no this is a cut

right happy 100th episode delete the Elliot one I will love you bye Muggins out