Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 4.48: Strict Masons
Episode Date: September 21, 2023Mark joins Kai on the pod while Daniel is spending his time off doing what he loves most, riding buses and queueing at airports. The boys cast aspersions about the free mason's entry policy and try to... rank minority groups as least welcome into the free masonry club. They also go after biker gangs as to not be pussies. Â Note: This was recorded before recent events. there is no mention of Dispatches
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Sloss and Humphreys on the road!
Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream
That's our intro
Fucking muggles!
Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh
Woohoo!
They said it can't be done!
Are we in the same seats?
That's hack
Aww, muggles!
Accidental rim job in the park
Kiss kiss kiss
Or might just be cynical
Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia
Where have you been since 9-11?
Well, I finally climbed from underneath the floorboards of my house
after the Scotland game.
It's fucking weird living over here, I'm on.
Did you notice much?
Eh?
Did you notice, like...
I didn't leave the house.
Did you not?
No, not bad.
I was through Edinburgh for most of the day.
Aye.
I got caught in the match day traffic coming back into Glasgow.
Aye. And then
watched it with my wife
who just becomes
the most Scottish person in life
Really?
Aye
And here?
Aye
Because
you know I
she'll wear like an England top
when the Lionesses play
Aye
Like he's
I'll look at her like
as if she's one of them
Aye
Lionesses are alright though
Aye
Like Danny has disdain for Natalie
because she'll cheer England on
when they're not playing Scotland
but fucking on a day when England
play Scotland that's twice in the last couple of years
we've played each other when we've lived here
and she's fucking singing Flower of Scotland
in her zhalde
zhalde added bits
can't lose a wanga
can't lose a wanga
do you know what For a friendly
It was
Fairly tasty
The other night
Like it was
I don't know whether it's
I don't know if it's a
Built up tension
Because there's so many
There's so many folk
Making big deals about it
Since
Aye
Like the fact that
We were booing
God saved
God saved
I nearly said
God saved the queen
Aye yeah
He didn't do a good job
With that did he
Fucking died Where's your god now No God hates you I nearly said God Save the Queen. Aye, yeah. He didn't do a good job of that, did he?
Where's your God now?
God hates you.
God Save the Queen?
Nah.
Nah, good.
Save her yourself.
And then as if jinxing it wasn't bad enough,
we start singing about the king.
It must... Like, have you...
I don't know, because you're Geordie.
Do you sing it?
I've never...
I've never gotten anything out of that it? I've never I've never gotten
anything out of that song
I've never sung it
in my life
like
it did more for us
when it was about
the queen
like
I have an actual
bit of like
disdain for it
now it's about the king
I hate that
because this is the only time
it's ever changed
in my lifetime
I hate how
you'd either go
God save our gracious queen
yeah
right it's like very specific
if you're calling someone gracious you're being specific yeah you don't know who the next person
is going to be but you're going to call them gracious anyway and you should get like a henry
the eighth type king i is not gracious fucking but you call them gracious there's no way with
those big fucking fingers that charles is gracious with anything he's not gentle is he there's no grace
fucking knocking over milk and all sorts at the breakfast table you see that when he was like
kicking off and he's like um help us trying to move a fucking thingy around with a pen yeah yeah
there's no gracious about that man so like i'm not gonna just step in and start singing about
someone being gracious when we haven't thought it through write him his own specific song
but each one of them gets a theme
like yeah
God save our buff buffoon
buff buffoon's the wrong word
I feel it
improv isn't really strong
so you keep the same song
the same basic song
I thought you were going to write a different theme tune
like boxers as they
come in
proper mix it up
imagine
they get their own
imagine the pressure
imagine the pressure
of that songwriter
having to write the
king's very own
theme song
what'd they do
like
do you remember
because they
they always get an
artist in to do an official painting,
and Rolf Harris did it.
Do you remember that years ago?
Rolf Harris was the official Queen's painter.
He did it for Prince Andrew.
He's been doing it for Andrew for years.
That's where the communicator on that goes,
I normally do these for kids.
You like kids, do you?
What do you mean by that?
What do you mean by that, Andrew?
I mean, I do like kids, but what are you...
You know, because these people find each other, don't they?
They find each other.
They must put little...
That would make an amazing sketch.
Two people sizing each other up
the last thing you want to do is lay your cards out right in the table
and i'm not in it at all no one's probably fucking putting a pedo card and he'd immediately go there. Aye, you've got to poker face it.
Pedos dip their toe in with other pedos.
I wonder how many times
you've had a pedo dip their toe in with you
and find out you're not the guy
and you haven't realised
that you've been pedotested by a pedo.
Aye, my Christ, aye, can you imagine?
Fucking hell.
I'm going to be thinking about every interaction I have with anyone out to see if it's a pedo test in the water just say it just say it come out with it
and the most innocuous things that people say i'll get that door for you mate what do you mean by
that maybe it's like,
because I've always tackled with the limp handshake a few times on this podcast.
Now, Mason's got a handshake.
Maybe it's the limp handshake, guys.
Oh, they might have their own.
The secret handshake is a nonsense.
Just give them your hand.
Aye.
And then, because they'd know
as soon as them two limp handshakes got together,
Aye.
there'd be a chemistry.
If your hands are really soft as well
you'd get an inkling
because you can't
wank off a kid with
a rough hand
and also you like
you can't wank off
yourself and imagine
a kid's dinner
if you haven't got
soft hands
you can't have the
hand of a scaffolder
and go
what have you been
up to at school
today
he's a blind kid
is it the masons is the masons handshake the one What, you've been up to school today? It's a Blythe kid.
Is it the Masons?
Is the Masons handshake the one where they, like, rub one of the knuckles?
Do they not, like, press the fleshy part of your hand?
Is that what it is?
It's a weird... I think they just gently press the bit between your thumb.
Ah, right.
I think they gently press in there.
Is that not pressure points as well?
Acupuncturist people do that.
Do they?
No you can like
Relax yourself on a plane or something
By pressing on there
You press that
So if you're sitting on a plane
Going like that
I've always relaxed around Freemasons
I've never more relaxed than I was
My dad got asked to join the Masons
A year ago
Did he?
Yeah
Did he turn them down?
He turned them down
What do you have to do to get asked?
Oh you need to
It's like It's like really? Oh, you need to,
it's like,
it's like really exclusive golf clubs.
You need to have had
a guy that's been in
for a good while.
Yeah, I think you need
to have like three
signatories or something
like that.
So you need,
you need to.
The last is in yet?
No, God, no.
Blacks?
Eh, I don't,
well, I don't know,
actually.
Homosexuals?
I don't think, no.
I wonder what the
hierarchy would be.
I think women would
probably be last. I think for you three other strict masons
The closed masons
I wonder what the hierarchy
I wonder what minority
group they would allow in first
I reckon they'd probably allow
men of colour
ahead of any white women. I reckon they'd probably allow men of colour ahead of any white women.
You think so?
I reckon women will be the bottom.
Aye.
Just blow rats.
Aye.
Well, no.
Catholics will be the bottom.
That was Borat, wasn't it?
Yeah.
You were saying,
you were saying it has men,
then women,
then rats,
then Jews.
Fuck's sake. They're running to the Jews. What the fuck is that? then women then rats and Jews the Jewish comedy writers like Sacha Baron Cohen and fucking Matt Matt Stone and I a Parker. Matt Parker, Trey, Matt, Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Yeah.
They are just the,
the,
the fucking self attacks that they,
they.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They just own it.
Uh huh.
Yeah.
Ari Shafia,
I seen his special too.
Like this shit,
this shit that like you feel bad even laughing at it.
Yeah.
It was written and composed by a Jewish man.
Yeah.
And you still feel bad.
Yeah.
You can't say that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the ultimate though.
That's completely owning it.
That's completely bringing it back
and going,
fuck, I can make well worse jokes
about myself than you ever could.
Do you reckon the...
I reckon Jewish are the first ones
in the Freemasons
out of the minority groups.
I reckon they're high up.
Possibly, aye.
I reckon they're before men of
colour. Aye. Aye.
Disabled people?
Nah. Not a chance.
Because they're all old buildings.
I think you would love disabled people. There's a lot of
stairs. There's no way a Freemason
is going to put a fucking lift in
in one of those old bits.
I think that's true, but I also think
like, there's Freemasons who love getting disabled's true, but I also think, like,
there's Freemasons who love getting disabled.
Like, no Freemasons, like, trans.
Like, none of them became women.
Oh, no, no, no.
None of them became... That might be the group that loves getting laid last.
Not a single Freemason has become a woman.
No.
But a few Freemasons have become disabled.
Yeah, that's true.
So...
And been banished.
Like a fucking that's true. And been banished. Like a fucking
king's court. Get the fuck
out.
I want to put this on record that the Freemasons
sacrifice disabled people.
So that's a
Patreon if there's any chance.
£3 paywall.
£3 paywall. That's the protection I need.
That'll keep us safe.
Do you reckon the Freemasons
go after people
that disparage them
do you think
you can invoke
the wrath of the Freemasons
nah I don't think
they're a hugely
I mean I don't know
because they're a secret
of society
but I don't know
I don't know how powerful
they are now
I think they would have been
according to
Da Vinci Code
they've got some oh aye they'd have been the top dogs back in the day but now do you think they would have been according to Da Vinci Code they've got some
oh aye
they'd have been
the top dogs
back in the day
but now do you think
they're just like
like you know
now they're like the scouts
you know like
I don't want to go after
beta gangs
that's the wrong people
to go after
but beta
beta gangs
fucking hold up here
it's not
beta gangs
are like real
salt of the earth blokes
who do like
charity drives now.
Yes, they are, yeah.
They're still hard cones.
And you wouldn't really want to cross them.
No.
They do like Easter egg hunts and that.
But there is a more acceptable face of the biker gang now.
Uh-huh.
I take it where biker gangs, particularly 60s,
they're mostly drug dealers.
But also, because there's the thing
because the Hells Angels
I mean enforce us
probably as well
aye
because the
the Rolling Stones
hired
eh
was it Altamont
their gig there
they hired the
Rolling Stones
the Rolling Stones
hired the Hells Angels
as their private security
for the gig
and they ended up
fucking killing a guy
in the crowd
like I think, I don't even think the guy
did that much wrong
I think he either
crowd surfed or
held up a sign going like
play satisfaction
and they just fucking destroyed
the guy
please can I have your wristband Keith
as a kid
as a disabled kid
and the Rolling Stones
hadn't hired a guy
they hired Freemasons
right so this is a fact
I just want to put this on record
the Rolling Stones hired the Freemasons as security
and they killed the disabled kid
at a gig because he wanted
Keith Richards' wristband
sweatband
I'm putting a lot of stuff on record
the day like this
it's going to get played back in court
and I'm going to stand there just like
completely agree
yep
I've been watching Yellowstone at the minute.
This isn't a complete pivot
because it's the same writer as Sons of Anarchy.
Oh, is it?
Uh-huh.
And it is absolutely Sons of Anarchy on horses.
Have you seen it?
No, I've not.
Kevin Costner is classing it.
I never watched it because I thought because like Costner was an old guy in it
and I'd read the description of it and it was something like he was a farmhand or something
like that.
He owned a farm or something like that.
He owns a ranch.
He owns a ranch.
He's like one of the last actual cowboys who's like fucking actually herding cattle and living
off the
back of the land
so what era is it set in
it's set
it's got iPhones
what
it's now
it's a modern day cowboy
it's a modern day cowboy film
fuck off
and it's like
people are trying to
encroach on his land
to build casinos
alright
and it gets like
like
they're just going above
above and beyond the law
to fucking
stop this from happening.
And there's also the element of this super rich Native American
who wants the land back off him because he believes it's his.
So it's all like, it's lawyers and iPhones,
but also horseback and gunfire.
That is nothing.
When I read he was a ranch hand or a ranch owner,
I assumed it was set at Wild West kind of times,
and I just thought, I'll be dull as fuck.
I believe there's a spin-off series that's just come out
that's the 1800s, and it's the same ranch.
But this is, like, started in 2018 and runs until now-ish,
five seasons.
So it's violent?
Aye.
Oh, nice, man. It's really good. I mean so it's violent aye oh nice man
yeah it's really good
I mean it's corny as fuck
I really like Sons
it's super corny
it's corny
like Sons is
aye
and it's kind of
the same mould
where like
there's the bloke
you're meant to fancy
who's meant to be
cool as fuck
aye
Costner
is he shagging
or not like
Costner aye
Costner get his
end of way on it aye I think the district attorney or something like he's shagging or anything I'll like I say aye Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that
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You fucking idiot
He plays Sean Connery
And it's so funny
He's honestly
Putting his own accent on
He's putting
He's doing an impression of himself
All the way through the film
I think what are you doing
It's too much It's too much Sean You're doing an impression of yourself all the way through the film. I think, what are you doing?
It's too much.
It's too much, Sean.
Fucking dial it down.
Take the corner down to about a seven there.
Yeah, what are you doing?
This.
It was so funny.
It's like he's, yes, he's like a parody of himself He's fucking good
Do you know
Like that's one of the only
Scenes in films I think
Where
It's like
A cry
See when he dies
Aye
And he's crawling along
Aha
And he's like
Fuck it
And then he gets
He wants to get the cross
Yeah
Patron Saint cross
That and when Goose dies
In Top Gun
Oh fuck I
Top Gun 2 by the way
I say they're too acceptable
Aye
Aye
Have you just seen it?
Fucking class that
Have you just seen it?
Aye
Recently aye
Like in the
Like in Buda Mud for Go maybe
It's amazing innit
But I haven't spoke to you
Since I've seen it
Like I've spoke to you
But not about this
Aye
Aye
I didn't know how
They were going to make it work
Aye
I thought it was going to be shit
It's phenomenal
It's like fucking
The tension and the suspense
on their actual mission,
when they're doing the mission.
Aye, it's proper class.
And the relationship between him and Goose's younger.
Aye.
And it's like a sensationalistic, Americanised fucking...
But that's what you want from it.
Aye, it's awesome, man.
It's like what you want from a Rocky film, you know?
See that bit?
See that bit when they're sitting there,
and John Hamm, is it John Hamm? Yeah. From Mad Men. He's sitting there and John Hamm,
is it John Hamm from Mad Men?
He's sitting there and he's basically saying,
right, fucking,
here's how we're going to do the mission now.
And they're like that.
This is literally suicide.
And he goes, well, you can't do it
the way he was going to get you to do it.
And then the fucking TV just comes on
and you hear him
and fucking Tom Cruise is in the fighter jet
and he's going to show it, I'll fucking do it
he's out of the way
it's so good
I've been watching loads of films
based on your recommendations
because I put it out on Facebook a while ago didn't I
I just watched 12 Angry Men
and that's not the film
it's a free miss
it's a free miss
it's a freeemasons It's a Freemasons
Outside the disabled clinic
Twelve angry Freemasons
Picketing
Twelve Freemasons watching the Great North Run
Just guns and wheelchairs Chucking rocks at them You're going to make them worse three weeks since watching the Great North Run just constant wheelchair
chucking rocks at them
you're gonna make them worse
worse
you're gonna make them more disabled
you'll hate them more what are you doing
oh did you hear
you know what I'm saying did you hear
this is like Cullen that's read the headline
of something and then passed it to their friend
as news but I'm going to do it anyway.
Did you hear
there was a blind
athlete trying to beat the Guinness World Records
at the Great North Run?
And he was following an athlete
that had a bell.
And the organisers of the Great North Run
And then a cat came on!
Worse.
Worse. The organisers of the Great North Run
gave everyone at the finish line
a bell to ring
no
oh my god
this cunt just exploded
in this round
yeah
apparently it was running
running circles
now
now I'm telling you this
off the Facebook status
I saw
of somebody who I don't know
and I'm passing it to you
as news
that's such bullshit.
There's no way he'd be running around in circles.
He'd realise something was amiss.
You would just think that it got a little bit like
a couple of chicanes towards the end.
Imagine being in that blind guy's head, right?
You're running full tick
You're fucking exhausted at that point
You're listening for the bell
And then you just hear the bells elsewhere
Oh aye
I know it would be
You're trying to identify the bell
Right from
The bell that you've been listening to
From the bells that are ringing
Aye
You're trying to isolate that one sound right
But you don't want to stop running
Because you're nearly there
Aye
So this was right at the, so this
would be like the last hundred metres.
So this was like the finish. I mean,
you're asking us for more information.
I've read a dude's Facebook
status.
Fuck it, so that's how blind,
well, again, you won't know, that's how
blind runners.
So you, so that was,
that was the old joke.
So the bell holder would need to be marginally fitter than you
because they need to keep a pace.
Fuck.
So you'd have to get, like,
the bell holder would have to be an actual athlete.
I mean, we are, like, presuming.
We're building this world based on Facebook status.
But I would presume
that the person with the bell
would be
why didn't
I was going to say
why didn't we put them
on a leash
but
I just feel like
it's just an ethical quandary
isn't it
like why
like if you were
towing a car
aye
why not just join up
with a slack
so that you can go
around bends and stuff
aye
that would make more sense
but then what if one falls then that's
and if you had the bell
like that would even at the end when people
are cheering and egging you on
that would drown out the bell a bit wouldn't it
yeah
and then what if a church you run past a church
on the stroke of the hour
fuck aye this cunt's going uphill And then what if a church, you run past a church on the stroke of the hour. Oh, fuck.
Next thing you know, this cunt's going uphill.
What the fuck is he doing? Next thing you know, you're running down the aisle of a wedding.
Somebody's just turning with a chair on their eye
and looks down the aisle and says,
fucking Stevie Wonder fucking got a full tick.
God, I'm not doing all that. And I know James is marrying a blind guy. on full tick I don't know
James is marrying
a blind guy
that'll make sense
now
why is he
wearing a vest
why is he
wearing a vest
oh Christ
he definitely
didn't catch the
bouquet at the
last one
no no that's not a bell in it did you see Oh Christ He definitely didn't catch the bouquet at the last one No not that
Did you see
Did you see the
Mexican guy that found Colin
The what?
Did you see the Mexican guy that found Colin
The aliens
Oh right
Little tiny little
Paris alien
Just Colin's exoskeleton.
Passing them off as...
Cullen had claimed out of his second skin
and somebody in Mexico found it.
And Cullen just kept on living his life.
It's that fucking...
Why would...
If you were trying to pass off fake aliens,
why would you make them look like every alien
that's ever been drawn oh yeah i mean
like at least put something in that's why uh i had this theory that was in my first ever friend show
that um as evolution goes on right for like for the future years like we're going to be gray and
skin because we're going to be like a homogenous color. Like at the minute, we've got a lot of variety from like black people, brown people, Asians, Caucasian.
Eventually, everyone will be this homogenous color.
Right.
That's fair enough.
And we're like now we don't need strength and we need intelligence to provide.
Women are going to be more attracted to intelligent men.
So the brain is going to be more of an intelligent men so the brain's going to be more of an evolutionary
quality than the brawn so you're going to end up with big-headed men with skinny bodies who are
all like a homogenous color right and then um we've invented time travel right we invented time
travel in the future and we came back as time travelers and everybody just assumed we're aliens
and it's just us from the future coming back And that's why we're all the skinny bodied,
gray, big headed things.
And this is the joke that never worked,
but I did it every day.
And disabled people have got it enough on this podcast.
But you do know I love you.
Stephen Hawking had a theory that,
he had a theory that there's no such thing as time travel
because if time travel is real, we would have been visited already.
Right, yeah.
And I'm like, we have been visited already,
and that's what the aliens are.
Right, yeah.
Stephen Hawking is actually from the future,
and he's the person who invented time travel because he's so smart.
And he went back, and he just hadn't entered the kinks.
And he arrived a little bit mangled from the future and just said his life work and telling people not to pursue time travel
i've seen the damage it can do leave it alone look at me
he hadn't earned out the king.
He hadn't ironed out the king of time travel.
This purely able-bodied man got in the pod.
Got in the pod.
And went back in time and was like, fuck, damn, I fucked it.
Right, lad, time travel doesn't work.
Doesn't work.
Don't pursue it.
You're wasting your time, scientist.
Make phones smaller. I time scientists make phones smaller
we need to make phones smaller
oh god almighty
alright
quite an ambitious
bit of material
for a first ever
French show
for a debut show
that is
for somebody
for somebody
who still
somebody who hasn't
ironed out the kinks
yeah
ironed out the kinks
yeah
I still haven't
for my debut hour
and I still had a day job
I thought I'd gone in with
here's why he's disabled
and how did it
did it not work
did it land ever
huh
at the fringe
did it land
occasionally
it was quite a long winded bit
you know where I didn't
where I didn't figure it out
all them bits along the way
like telling you
about like
people being the
homogenous colour
about heads being bigger
about bodies being smaller
about aliens being
people from the future
I didn't build
laughs into that bit
that was all just
build up
build up
build up
build up
so it was just
you saying stuff
just me saying stuff
so then when I got
to that bit
people liked it but I took them too far down the road when they laughed together
so if i was to ever do that bit again
i'd be super hypothetical yeah because i'm not gonna do that bit again i'd work on each of the
individual bits and make each of them their own bit that was like had punchlines and was funny i mean it's not that bad a theory like when you actually when you actually explain it like the
the gray skin coloration does make sense oh there's the theory of them being aliens being
time travelers and that's why like through all like oh no that's a load of shit that i don't
believe that bit no but the bit about stephen hawke yeah that i'm
fully on board with that um no the idea that aliens are gray because in the future all skin
color just starts to slowly match and becomes this yeah but then the brain thing i don't why
would that are you talking about brains actually growing evolutions or like have you read sapiens the no noah uvel harari book no about like we're always born like we're we're
technically born premature like we're underdeveloped you know like if you see a horse being born and
it'll just get up and run off but we need like we have like the fourth trimester when we're alive
where we're just yeah yeah my care care because we're not ready yet.
That's to do with the shrinking of the hips
from us standing up and becoming bipeds
instead of being on all fours and fucking running around like chimps.
We're more upright from looking out for predators like meerkats.
So the angle of the hips.
And because we're more intelligent as a species,
our brains are bigger,
so with the baby's bigger head,
and the,
the angle of the hips,
creating a smaller hole to come out of,
means that we'll come out,
prematurely,
because of the big head.
So already,
we're on that evolutionary path,
to have bigger.
So every human comes out premature.
Uh-huh.
What should,
what age should we be?
What,
to be walking around in that
like you can't be i'm not a real scientist i know it's a couple of times like but fully grown man
i'm gonna say like nine years old nine nine year old fucking hell oh that's a grim time for women
when do when do kids walk when can they support their own body weight? So I'm trying to think when mine started walking.
I would say that went in the crawl.
I reckon crawling age would be the primate birth.
I mean, most of them start crawling around in about four or five months, I think.
Do they?
I don't know.
I can't remember.
So something around that six-month mark, I reckon, would be prime.
If they could come out and do some stuff like any other animal
Aye
Because other animals
just crack on
I know other animals
just hit the deck
and then immediately get up
Who taught you that?
Fuck off
Who the fuck taught you that?
But then there's also
they have to
because their parents
don't hugely
take care of them
No
that much
like they will
I think most animals
will take care of their young
early doors
There's no animal
that takes care of like we do.
Allegedly as well, our intelligence started growing exponentially
because of the fact that the babies couldn't just take care of themselves
and you needed community.
So you needed other people in your tribe to help you with the baby.
So you'd have to communicate.
And the communication is just the sharing of knowledge,'t it all right that's fascinating so so um
just by needing the community to keep the baby alive that isn't ready to fend for itself in any
position uh will become more intelligent as a species um totally recommend any books he's got
he's got a handful of books uh and sapiens is one. That's the best one out of all of his books.
Are they all about this kind of shit?
Like that one's more about evolution
and I think Homo Deus is more about
the future. Gay folk.
The literal
antithesis to evolution.
The culling
of humankind.
Oh my god.
I'll get that then.
And I will watch Yellowstone. Has Costner
become one of those guys then that
you know like, because Liam Neeson
has done it and
Denzel Washington's done it,
where these lads get to, like, 60-odd
and then become action heroes.
He shows his age in it.
He's not, like, a bulletproof guy.
Like, he's gone through some health stuff.
Right.
And he's hanging on by a thread to his empire.
Aye.
Like, he's not bulletproof in it.
But he's, like, his empire. Aye. Like, he's not bulletproof in it, but he's like,
he's like,
his word commands respect still.
Aye.
So I think Angkos has actually
done a couple of those
Taken-type equalizer films.
That's a weird,
that was a weird movement.
Expendables did it, do you think?
Aye.
When they just got the old guys in.
Aye, that's true, actually.
Aye.
I didn't realise they were on to four now
I watched one
And I knew there was a sequel
And then I just saw
A bus with four on it
I think I missed that
There was a third one
Aye there is
I don't even know
Who's in it now
Are they any good
Do you know what
They're really entertaining
Who are they pulling out
The woodwork now
To like
Take it to the next level
There's nobody
There's nobody really left
Like because they've really
I don't think there's anybody
New in the new one
Because they had Because they brought Wesley
Snipes out and then
Dolph Lundgren was in one of them.
I know.
Was anyone in jail? He was in jail for
tax avoidance. Was he?
Yeah. He did a massive
tax bill. I don't know if he
actually went to jail.
I know.
Dolph Lundgren was in one of them. And then Jet Li, he was brought out for one I know. Right, so Dolph Lundgren
was in one of them.
And then Jet Li,
he was brought out
for one of them.
Oh,
it was sad seeing
Val Kilmer
and Maverick
looking,
looking gropey.
close to death.
Aye,
because I don't know
how much that was
hammed up to make him look ill.
Oh no,
I think that was fucking,
I don't know if he's,
he's like the proper voice thing.
Because he,
because I've been
banging, like you actually got us into the Westons, which got us onto Yellowstone, I don't know if he's like the proper voice thing but yeah. Because he because I've been banging
like you actually got us
into the westerns
which got us onto Yellowstone
which got us onto
I'm recently playing
Red Dead Redemption as well
which was a fucking
nice game
and I was a bit slow
to get into it
I was like fucking
I just wanted to get on with it
and the stuff happening
but now I'm really into it.
Is it the second one
you're playing?
Yes.
Aye.
Tombstone I watched
with Val Kilmer.
Aye, that's quality.
Kurt Russell plays Wyatt Earp
and Val Kilmer plays...
Doc Holliday.
Doc Holliday, that's it.
There's a bit where Wyatt Earp's just trying
to get rid of some bandits,
like just playing them off,
like, oh, I'm not into that life anymore
and all that.
And he was like, what about you, Doc?
Are you past your best or something?
He's like, nah nah I'm in my prime
yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah
fucking class man
he's always fucking
that film as well
he's got some weird
like pneumonia
kind of thing
where he has to
he's packing up a lung
he always has to have
a hanky with him
he's got a
he's got a catheter
and a fucking drip
and everything
he's wearing a nightgown
and he's like
nah
I'm in my prime.
I read Red Dead Redemption fucking killed us the other day.
I'd just been on a level, right,
where you get drunk and you're looking for your mate
and someone keeps bothering you while you're drunk
and you're getting more drunk and more drunk
and I fucking ended up drowning this bloke in a pig trough,
right?
I don't know what I had fucking drowning him in a pig trough.
And then,
uh,
and then I picked up a new horse and I went to name it.
And I called it Spatchcock.
Right?
I called my horse Spatchcock.
And it wouldn't let us name the horse Spatchcock because it had a swear word on it.
Spatch?
I was like,
this is Rockstar Games, man.
I know, I know.
You taught me how to beat up
an old grandma with a dildo.
That is mental.
What the fuck are you doing?
Is this a joke?
Like, am I in on a joke here?
It didn't exclaim that it was a joke,
but it wouldn't let his name
be a horse's swear word.
Surely there is swearing
from the characters.
There definitely is.
Aye.
100% is.
Because there's tons of it in Grand Theft Auto.
In this brutal murder.
You can hogtie a cunt and put him on the railway line.
Aye, aye, aye.
So can you, because I've never, I've played the first one, I've never played the second one.
See, in the second one, can you choose how to kill people?
Like, do you interact with the surroundings surroundings but there are inventive ways that
you can kill yes i haven't gotten too much into the just free roaming killing content yet so you're
still doing missions and i'm still doing missions because when i said it's a bit slow it's like i
just went to start like lasso someone off the horse while i'm getting past them and then somebody
snitches and then i'm getting chased by fucking bounty hunters and then i'm dead and i get plunked at the other end of the map and i have to
ride my horse all the way back so i haven't really getting into the creative killing i'm still
sticking to the mission and doing the odd side quest here and there but i like it just it gives
you options you can spare people the first couple of missions that lets you spare people or wipe
them out it was like one bloke where he was like fucking hanging off the cliff and I just
fucking give us a chance to pull him up and I
just shot him in the heat.
Just in case anyone found the
body and thought it was a natural death.
It's so funny.
I mean it's a great game.
Game is so funny.
I found it so funny being told off for
swearing by Rockstar Games.
That's like Bill Cosby
not swearing.
Bill Cosby didn't swear,
did he? No, he's famous for that.
You're like, aye, what else you up to?
Yeah, aye. What else you up to?
Hug tying people and putting them on the train tracks, are you?
Did you see that the next
Grand Theft Auto game's going to have
Joe Rogan's podcast as one of the
stations when you get in a car.
Just so you can take a car straight into the wall.
Just so you've got an authentic excuse
if you mow down a bunch of people.
I love that.
Did he ever play,
I think it was Grand Theft Auto 4
and it had Frankie Boyle on it.
Yeah, you could get the comic on.
Ricky Gervais
yeah the sets
aye
aye
fucking madness
I fed the comic club
that's a level in standout
that you didn't even know
you could reach
no aye
that's
that's absolute peak
until you get there
when you're in a fucking
Grand Theft Auto game
it's fucking hilarious
watching it as well
because
I've watched
I've since watched clips
of it on YouTube
where
you get like
Gervais or Frankie doing
very clearly gags
that are culturally
set in Britain
and then you've got
a table full of fucking
Polish gangsters
fucking slapping their thighs
like that
you don't know what Aldi is
and the fuck he's talking about.
How do you know about Jill Daniels?
Yeah.
A fucking Jordan's kid
gets brought up
and he's slapping his past back
like that.
Oh, for Christ's sake,
it's not true.
It's like you, lad.
It's like you.
Oh, man. It's like you. Oh, man.
When's that out?
The Grand Theft Auto 6?
I don't know.
They keep teasing it for ages.
The Grand Theft Auto 6.
The Grand Theft Auto 6 is on the PlayStation 5.
What did Colin call the good fellas?
The good fellas.
Oh, God, yeah.
I was watching the good fellas.
I was watching the good fellas.
The Goodfellas.
The Goodfellas. Oh, God, yeah.
I was watching The Goodfellas.
I was watching The Goodfellas.
Ever since I was a boy, I wanted to be one of The Goodfellas.
The Goodfellas.
Fellow with a W.
Did you enjoy Cullen's Christmas sausage that I left out for you that day?
So funny, man.
Because we're waiting untilmas to tell the full story
on our podcast so we're saving the story well you can imagine it's been told on this i don't know
but how do you know it's oh fucking i fucking died i took a picture of it as well i meant to
send you actually but it was very very funny and then i uh because it had been sitting was that
it's sitting in just water the brain was it the
brain out of 10 because we couldn't work out whether it was and then on the podcast i said
to colin that i'd give him 50 quid if he drunk the sausage juice and he was like there's no
fucking and then i said if i drink it give me a fiver and he wouldn't even do that he was like
i cannot sit and watch you drink sausage juice. Oh, God.
It's just,
it's still too raw for him.
It sounds posh.
The pain.
Still raw.
Right.
Context.
We're on a podcast.
We'll give the people the context.
In a WhatsApp group over Christmas,
we're all communicating with each other
about how Christmas is going.
Yeah, it started very innocently.
Very innocently.
And then Colin's like,
oh, the drama's kicking off at my house.
Gareth came in and said,
how's everybody's Christmas morning been?
Aye.
And we all basically went,
aye, all right, not bad.
I met the in-laws quietly.
Aye, just opened my first beer.
Yeah, nothing's happened yet.
Bye, right.
And his kicked off that like,
it's kicked off at my house.
Somebody's at the sausage and it was the
it was the
the word the
it was the word the
it was the word the
not a sausage
the sausage
oh my god Colin's someone at the Christmas
and there was just all of these just fucking Oh my God, calling someone out to Christmas.
And there was just all of these fucking scenarios of Eugene kicking off in the house because the Christmas sausage was gone.
It hadn't even been divided out yet between the family.
It was very, even secondhand now, telling on a podcast, hard to explain.
But what it left was fucking nine middle-aged men
with all their family and extended family fucking howling at a WhatsApp.
Oh.
Absolutely fucking pieces at a WhatsApp, and they couldn't really explain.
I could barely stand.
I was laughing so much.
Did you see Gareth recently done an interview about being a new dad,
and it was for a bit of press for The Fringe.
Yeah, John The Fringe, yeah.
He got asked, was his kid just like
a month old at the time or something right and they was talking about the tiredness and he just
like gave a little bit of context to that and said one day i was just laughing at this whatsapp
conversation about this sausage and my wife asked what i was laughing at and i think it was just the
tired delirium of not having much sleep and having a new baby and i just said to my wife
oh just something about a sausage.
I'm just laughing at the sausage.
It's a funny sausage.
And they clipped it without any of the context.
And I was like, what's it like being a new dad?
And he's like, I just laughed at a sausage.
And my wife asked what I was laughing at.
I was just like, it's just a funny sausage.
It comes across as a fucking lunatic.
And it was like eight months after the fucking fact
and we're still
holding up this
fucking sausage thing
so
I'm giving you
well I haven't got
the studio at the minute
you've been using
the studio
yeah
refurbishing that
right now
and
you guys come to my house
when I wasn't in
record the podcast
yeah
and I just put out
one hot dog
in hot dog brain
with a note next to it.
Do not, block capitals, not.
Do not eat the sausage.
It's marinating for Christmas.
Oh, God.
I cannot wait to hear your podcast when Cullen fully explains what the fuck was going on with the Christmas sausage.
I've never really got a full explanation because we were laughing too much i don't think we've ever got a full explanation over
what the deal was why the anger was so ferocious that this sausage had been eaten because it was
him that ate it as well it was him that ate it he never fucking let slip and eugene because it was
because he even tried to fool us yeah at first because he was like eugene's kicking off because
somebody ate the Christmas sausage.
Well, I'll have my fun.
We're all howling and laughing at the Christmas sausage.
And then he's like, comes with that, it was him that ate it?
Yeah.
And I was like, why are you trying to pull the wool out?
I know.
Why are you trying to convince us?
But I still to this day don't know.
That same day, Eugene uh because their turkey was dry
or the turkey no turkey was off the turkey was like rancid and it was past itself i think so
eugene was he had to get stopped because he was going to march out the house and go to the
butchers that he bought it from and fucking smack the guy on Christmas Day
like he was going to
knock the guy's door down
he's not working
Christmas Day
he's going to go
to the guy's house
he's just in Donny Gals
serving soup
he's serving soup
at the homeless shelter
Eugene drags him
over the counter
he starts dunking
his head in the soup
he's drying the popcorn oh god almighty oh Jesus Just us dunking his head in the soup. We took his dry and daft gun.
Oh, God almighty.
Oh, Jesus.
How does the new studio look?
Great.
We've put a lick of paint on it.
We've done that thing.
We've got...
People can look on the Instagram.
We've posted some things on the Instagram.
You know, when you've got two tones on one wall,
but you've got, like, mask and tape.
I like that.
We've fucked up the first bit, you know, when you don't pull it down at the 45 degree angle and you pull it away you pull it off instead of away oh then i know you do that we found it the
hard way like yeah we just we just peeled it and it was like fucking blemish blemish blemish like
this because it said to take it off when it's wet and I was like
I was like
I've never taken off
when it's wet
in my entire fucking life
I know
I've waited for it to dry
like this instruction
is fucking
like
I know it says
take it off
when it's wet
but like
and then
I read a bit more up on it
and it was
at 45 degrees
I had to move
so fucking slowly
it was painstaking
so you pull it down
rather than
well because
the line was at an angle anyway like I kind of had you pull it down rather than... Well, because the line
was at an angle anyway,
like I kind of had to pull it
like 45 degrees away,
down and away.
Aye.
But it's come up immaculately.
Aye.
There's one bit
where I have to touch up.
I'm just going to use
like a bit of cardboard.
Aye, aye, aye.
It's just one bit
so I can just do it
with a bit and a brush.
So that's all in
and we've got the furniture
like all starting to arrive now.
We've already got
all of the tech. So it's going to look mint. And I've got the furniture like all starting to arrive now. We've already got all of the tech.
So it's got to look mint.
And I've got the dehumidifier
in there as well.
It was fucking moldy, man.
You know?
I can imagine.
We took down the sound,
but the sound things
were just stinking.
They were lifting
like covered in mold on the back.
Fuck.
Stinking of damp.
I had them in the car with us
because I was going to store them
just in my attic here
and then like wheel them back here. You just dumped them? I went straight to the dump i i just i just got in touch with
cara and i was just saying i found out what that smell was in the studio because i'm in the car
with it no i'm just going straight to the dump so quite a lot of money's worth of shit now but
i'm sure we could have steam cleaned them and upcycled them or what what the fuck ever but
i didn't want to store that in me who's in my
car or and like just get rid of them so um so we're getting all new acoustic panels but that
means we can get like aesthetically pleasing ones that go with the deco as well so we've got
their motor they arrived today i think um fucking hell man so we've got new acoustic panels coming
in we've got their like everything the whole The whole thing's just been stripped and redone
Wow
Right, it's going to be good
Looking forward to that
Don't think the standard of my chat's going to change much
No
It's all going to be this still
But at this point this is what you've tuned in for
Aye
You're not there for the aye you're not you're
not there for the look you're not there for the aesthetic we're spoiling you since you pay for
this shit thanks thanks we're giving you all of it back this time because the first round the first
round we just went to vegas with it and we're very accepting of that that was the trade the trade was
look we'll do this as and when we fancy it but if you pay for it we'll do it
twice a week forever aye so that was them locking we're in and i was treating it like a job aye but
what we got for that was a trip to vegas thank you very much that was amazing i also but we're
not just gonna go to vegas and stop the podcast and fucking pull the plug on you imagine if that
was it's pretty much for that so since we got back from vegas
we've put it all back into the pod oh nice man actually i remember me and colin turned up one day
and there was just a shitload of fucking sony cameras sitting there just like a big stack of
the sat in the damp yeah yeah i know oh that was that thing that i like uh fucking god god god
bless matthew he does so much work on this podcast,
but he's exactly like Daniel in that I just felt like,
because he knew we weren't going to use them straight away,
but he wanted to look at them.
And when I went to clear the studio,
the box had just been exploded everywhere
and there's just like manuals and different bits
and camera lenses and like the tripod as well.
I needed to pack everything back up to take them back out and they've just been exploded and i was just laughing at
danny and carol i was just like uh i've just spent the first hour just repackaging everything
then uh carol was like oh danny's like that and i was like where'd you get that from your mom
and like oh my dad and apparently just the sloth boys just disrespect for anything that they're
opening really it's just it doesn't matter how many thousands of puns.
They're just like,
didn't need that,
didn't need that.
That's just a thing.
Anyway.
I like the day stuff like that
with a bit of ceremony.
Aye, aye.
You know what I mean?
You're not going to get something new.
Even like with a fucking,
something as simple as your iPhone.
Like a proper unboxing.
Yeah.
Like I really like the aspect
of getting something new
and just seeing what else is in the box.
Aye. Not like
Not top down camera
Recording it
And making it Instagrammable
But just going through
The process myself
It's nice
Because it's
Because it's something
Nice you've got yourself
Take a bit of time
And pride
And go
Don't just fucking
Like a
Mental case
Just start
Shocking shit about it
Hopping it with your teeth
Yeah
But I guess that
that studio's been like
hard to manage as well
because Danny will just go in
and use it as a gym
and use it as a
that's why the damp is
as a smoke and shed
he's been on a Peloton
and some ignore ventilation
it's fucking like
the water vapour just escaping
from his balls
just soaking into the soundboards
so i've like i've realized that like i feel because i'm i'm not the most tidy person going
like i'm not anal with tidiness but i feel like if we're gonna keep that studio tidy it's just
gonna have to be my little pride and joy and even though it's not on my property and it's on
somebody else's property i feel like i'm gonna have to just my little pride and joy. And even though it's not on my property and it's on somebody else's property,
I feel like I'm going to have to just make sure that I go in and like tidy on
the way in,
tidy on the way out and keep it nice so that it's like a good space.
Aye.
Because it's really hard to work with somebody that's got like,
just got such a disregard for cleanliness.
For common decency
Daniel's the
like Jean
Texas one name
I've tidied the
studio up for you
when she was
staying over there
and I got in
and it was like
a fucking crack den
and I sent her
pictures and she
was like
honest to God
Kai I tidied it
in the space of her
tidying it
and me doing the
next podcast
it somehow
exploded in there
again
Jesus remember when his mum found a frog under his bed it's one of those mental things I've space of hair tidying it and me doing the next podcast it somehow exploded there again jesus
remember when his mom found a frog under his bed it's one of those mental things i've ever seen in
my fucking life it was the skeleton of a frog it wasn't even in a light and i don't think it was
under the bed it was like under a pile of clothes or something it was like on the floor i mean jesus
christ it was on the carpet like it had come in died and then not just died but completely decomposed to a skeleton that i mean that is that's being untidy uh to the nth degree that is you know it's really funny the
the last few times i've been around his house he's like the place has been immaculate and he's been
like uh like pointedly cleaning around us and i don't know if he's doing it because i'm there
right oh if he just does that anyway now
but remember in the speech
I lit him up for it
yeah yeah yeah
the patrons have heard it actually
so I lit him up
for being untidy
and ever since that speech
every time I've been around
he's tidied up in front of us
and we named him
how was
Wonders Farm I didn't go I was in Portugal how did you not go Or how was Windisfarm?
I didn't go, I was in Portugal
Oh you were away doing gigs
It was a bastard
Because I've took quite a bit of time off over
Like August and September
Because he's off to
Like a bunch of weddings and stuff
And I got the opportunity to put some
Like weekend club gigs in my diary
And I just
pied all of them
like every time
the mail shot
got sent out
for do you want this
do you want this
do you want this
I was like
do you know what
I want to spend
some time at home
actually like
Newcastle are going
to start playing
in Europe
and I want to go
I want to go to Milan
and I want to
so I'm going to Milan
on Monday
was it this Monday
yeah
fuck
so when's the game
next Wednesday
Tuesday Tuesday so I'm flying out to Turin and me and this Monday? Yeah. Fuck. So when's the game? Next Wednesday? Tuesday.
Tuesday.
So I'm flying out to Turin
and me and Natalie
are having a night in Turin
because they do direct flights
from Edinburgh.
Right.
We're having a night in Turin
and then getting a train
through to Milan,
checking in to an Airbnb.
Pretty close to the San Siro as well.
Nice.
And we've got hold of two tickets.
There's been this massive thing.
Aye.
See, I was trying to explain this
to my wee brother
the other night at the Scotland game
what is the deal with the
so
they say on all of the
information that you need ID with your ticket
and you've got to buy it in your own name
so say my friend
buys a ticket, offers
45 points on his season ticket
before they get released to the broader audience
yeah yeah it's got his name on it so they were told that there'd be collection points in milan
where you have to go and say my name's this he has my id he has my season ticket collect your thing
and then go to the stadium with your ticket now i phoned me brother-in-law who's followed his team
across europe and he says if he's had to collect at a collection point,
he's been ID'd.
But if he's had the ticket in his hand and went to the stadium,
he's never once been ID'd at a single stadium across Europe.
Right.
The San Siro.
So I've actually got the physical ticket
because it got sent to the season ticket holders who brought them for us.
So I don't have to go to a collection point. So my hope is that i can just walk into the stadium with the ticket
me backup plan is i'm putting some euros in my passport and learning the italian for keep the
change so if i get id at the stadium i'll hand over my passport and say keep the change and
they'll open it up take the their bribe and let us in.
I don't like to stereotype an entire nation,
but I feel like the Italians would take a bribe.
Aye.
I feel like that would be the top answer on Family Fortunes.
Aye.
Is what nation would take a bribe?
What nation would take a bribe?
Well, aye.
I'd go any of the kind of Southern European.
Spanish would take a bribe. Yeah. In'd go any of the any of the kind of southern european spanish would take a bribe yeah in a second in a second and there and on that note a lot of the south american countries
oh fucking you would absolutely take you don't even need a ticket in the south american country
you see russia you take the bribe and then still not let us in
you take the bribe then lock us up yeah you take the bribe
then lock us up
you take the money
you take my passport
lock us up
so I'm not
you're not in this
because you're not
playing by the rules
of bribery
that's not a bribe
that's theft
is Cannes going?
not to this one
me and Cannes
have already
booked our flights
in accommodation
in Paris
for the PSG game
the tickets haven't been released for that yet.
So that's going to be the next saga.
But I fucking love it.
I don't care if we get beat 7-0.
Obviously, it's going to be a different fucking atmosphere altogether
if we get anything above a draw or a goal.
Aye.
Oh, I celebrate a goal.
But the whole experience of following my team to Europe
is something that I've had as a bucket list for a long time. Yeah. Oh I celebrate I go on a San Diego But the whole experience Of following my team To Europe Is like something
That I've like had
As a bucket list
For a long time
Yeah
Like last time
We were in Europe
I simply couldn't afford it
Like I wasn't
In a position in my life
When was that?
2012
In Europa
Was that in Akegan?
2005
In
Pardew
Pardew
Pardew
Alright
2005 was the last time
I won the Champions League
and that was
Bobby Robson
oh fuck aye
so around about 2005
like I used to travel
around the UK
again
like
I went like
Anfield
for a FA Cup game
not
I went
I went and watched
we got beat off Wigan
and I went
I went
the Millennium Stadium
to watch the semi-final against Man United.
Like, I'd done a lot of football tourism
within the country at that age.
I just, like, I didn't get abroad.
Aye.
I didn't get overseas.
I didn't quite have that money.
Because I'm trying to mastermind, like,
going to Germany just now.
Aye.
Because the tickets, I mean,
the tickets won't get released till the draw I mean the draw's
not till December and by that
point so what all the folk are doing now
and what I'm looking out just now is
basically booking somewhere to
stay in every single one of the cities
yeah and
but making sure it's one of the places that
you don't have to pay till like two days
before and you get a full
refund you know I mean?
Like there's no,
there's no outlay.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Like refundable.
Yeah, even if it is refundable,
I'll buy it.
But I wouldn't be able to afford that
because there's like 12 whole cities.
You've got to pay ahead your bets.
Aye.
And there's certain places
like if you kind of stay in like
Frankfurt or
there's certain cities
that are fairly close to all the other cities
that you can go by train
could they not open the camps file
the Scotland fans could
they haven't plumbed them in
you don't need to plumb them in
but they're
I hear there's some comfy beds there
by Scottish standards there weren't that many By Scottish standards
There weren't that many in Germany
They fucking had the camps elsewhere you did
Auschwitz isn't in downtown Munich for fuck's sake
Don't light this up on my geography mark You don't It's not like You don't shit You don't shit this up on me don't light this up on me geography mark
you don't
it's not like
you don't shit
you don't shit where you eat
like
it's not like I'm one of the
most worldly travelled people
on the planet
oh god
but there's a chance
when booking the tickets
I might have enough points
on my Scotland
eh
supporters
but is that how it works yeah it's the same thing the internationals aye I might have enough points on my Scotland supporters.
Is that how it works?
Yeah, it's the same thing.
The internationals, aye.
So I reckon I might just sneak in,
but then Seamus won't and I'm taking him with me.
But at that stage, I'm now planning on going.
Like if I go and one of my pals goes and my brother goes
and we both get tickets,
just fucking put him in in front of you in the turnstiles
and then just sit him on my knee for the game because it's not like
have you got time to get him enough points is there enough games
nah there's not there's no no chance
he's only been a member since the start
of this campaign because this is how long
he's been old enough to go so it's like
there's no way you could get that amount of points
now nah so that's done
because I mean Natalie would love to go out but
there's no chance of getting tickets nah
it'll be like it'll be like it'll be like any it'll be like any fucking international tournament
if you go out there's a chance you could pick up tickets from because like what i didn't realize
uefa do is um they give every single country that's in the qualifiers an allocation and then if you don't qualify
they
those
those
federations
still need to get rid of the tickets
so they then get released back
so there's a good chance
you will have like
there'll be some floating tickets
I mean
the German fans
will have tickets
yeah
and it's a case of
in those circumstances
may change finding German fans
and going.
Yeah.
We've probably got some
contact out in Germany
as well, you know,
from the tours that we do.
Because we do tours in Germany.
I'll explore every avenue.
Because I'd love to go
with Natalie because
she would happily go
to an England game with me
and I'd happily go to
a Scotland game with her.
We're not feral against
each other as nations.
But there was no way
we could have went to that game
on Tuesday
because I couldn't have
sat in her end
and she couldn't have
sat in mine.
But we'd love to go out
to Germany
and go to
one of each other's games
if we could.
Aye.
But I fucking,
I'm loving getting
into football tourism.
It's the best.
It's class, isn't it?
Aye.
Like actually getting out and about and like do it because I stayed over in Paris when I was loving getting into football tourism. Ah, it's class, isn't it? I like actually getting out and about
and like do it
because I stayed over in Paris
when I was there gigging
and went to a PSG game
just on my own.
Ah,
that's good fun.
I've been out to the Burnabout
to watch a Champions League game
and stuff.
I've actually done a,
I've done a stadium tour
of the San Siro,
but I've never seen a game there.
There wasn't any on when I was there,
but I just fucking,
I've dipped my toe in it
and now I want that,
that's
what i want my life to be it's class man because uh i don't know it's there's a lot of people that
listen to this podcast that aren't into football and i just want to try and explain to them why
football's so good it's because you hand over something that affects your emotions massively
to something that's completely out of your control something that's so out of your control. Something that's so out of your control. And it's like, the more you get into it,
the more amplified them emotions are.
Yeah.
But what it means is you can get the joy of an emotion
that you can't get from another thing in life.
Nah.
You know when Newcastle fucking score in a semifinal or whatever, right?
And I go nuts.
I jump off my seat.
Fucking the emotion hits
and I'm riding that emotion
before I've had a chance
to process it
I'm fucking flinging
my arms around
I'm hugging my mate
I'm hugging a stranger
next to me
that
I can't get that
from anywhere else
you can't replicate that
in anything
like the stuff
that I love in life
yeah
I love having sex
with my wife
afterwards I'm not like
you're never
you're never hugging
a stranger
the fuck are you doing here love getting paid mark yeah you know when fucking money goes into me
bank yeah yeah no it is it is a it's a it's a primal release of just fucking euphoria yeah
yeah you hand it over to something that you've got no control over at all and for me this this what's
happening with newcastle at the minute right it's took 14 years of having a shit time and it's been
so worth the investment for how good a time i'm having right now it does make it a lot better
like there is something to be said about if you have sat through utter shite for decades
to then have that yeah like it's, it's like, it's why,
like, I don't think there's as much passion.
There certainly won't be,
there's no passion.
If you've recently,
since they've become massive,
started following Man City,
you're not going to be excited about them.
We've got mates who've,
Daniel, supported Chelsea
from the Abramovich era.
And then just,
and now he's just given up
because he hasn't been through the
connection with the club
and then
Cullen supports Arsenal because of
Thierry Henry
so he jumped on when they won the league
now winning the league is just something
that you just expect
I've never watched my club
or country win anything in football.
Not a thing.
I see.
I didn't jump on when they'd won something
and think that was going to be the thing.
I'm just living in this constant chasing of this dragon that I haven't...
Chasing the dragon suggests you've already had it.
Chasing the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow
in my entire life has been on this fucking quest to to have that emotion like if if that emotion ever comes from i'd take club over
country any this is where me and you differ i would take club over country my identity my civic
pride is much more attached to newcastle than it is to england um when I get that feeling,
it's going to be something that you just kind of get from anywhere else.
And there'll be people
who just didn't tune into football
and didn't care about football
and didn't make that investment.
That just won't get to have that feeling.
And it's a bit sad.
It's a little bit sad in a way
when people are dismissive of it
because I'm like,
oh, there's actually something out there in the world that i hate people that hate football yeah oh yeah i you
know what people are so snidey about whenever a tournament comes on and they'll say shit like
oh is that they could always they'll always make up a kick kicky ball or something
anybody that's like 11 borderline rapists chasing around
a pigskin
or whatever.
What?
11 borderline rapists?
Anyway.
You've added them all.
It's just made it
so much better.
Do you want to see
them chasing you, mate?
Oh, the beautiful game.
It brings out the worst in me as well.
It's fucking class.
Because it's so funny how...
You have to go now, don't you?
Aye, aye.
Right, aye.
It's so class how, like,
if England remotely booed the national anthem
of any other country,
you'd say, like,
the fucking disrespectful fucking wank stain on me.
Just shameless nation.
Just horrible scum. stain on me just shameless nation just horrible
scum and then fucking
you guys booing a 19 year
old
fucking 50,000
a year plus just booing teenagers
they booing the national anthem
but when you do it scum
but you know what though
I
weirdly
find it more acceptable
from Scottish fans
and English fans
and I am an England fan
right
but you know when
England fans
are all over Trafalgar Square
setting fireworks
out
out up their arse
right
you're like
oh wankers
making me look like tits
when I see Scottish fans
taking over Trafalgar Square
I'm like
they look fun
yeah yeah it's gracious it's gracious you see it with Eric Grace when I see Scottish fans take love at Trafalgar Square I'm like they look fun yeah
yeah
it's gracious
it's gracious
you stay with an air of grace
even like
booing our national anthem
you stay with an air of grace
that we just
don't have
when we boo national anthems
when there's a
when there's a
slagging off teenagers
who are running around
trying to make a career
for themselves
you stay with an air of grace
in Scotland
oh class right mate
thanks for coming
on the pod
the perfect
playlist podcast
he does with
I don't do that anymore
oh sorry
don't come back
at some point
absolute cuts
I actually
meant absolute cuts
yeah
absolute cuts
and you'll hear
Ryan Cullen's
version of the
Christmas sausage
story
around our
Christmas time
so invest now
invest now
it's like football
invest now
and it'll pay off
it'll pay off
in the future
it's gonna be
it's gonna be
there's gonna be
a lot of
months of hurt
in the build up
cheers Mark
you're a legend