Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 4.48: Strict Masons

Episode Date: September 21, 2023

Mark joins Kai on the pod while Daniel is spending his time off doing what he loves most, riding buses and queueing at airports. The boys cast aspersions about the free mason's entry policy and try to... rank minority groups as least welcome into the free masonry club. They also go after biker gangs as to not be pussies.   Note: This was recorded before recent events. there is no mention of Dispatches

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?
Starting point is 00:00:14 That's hack Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Well, I finally climbed from underneath the floorboards of my house
Starting point is 00:00:28 after the Scotland game. It's fucking weird living over here, I'm on. Did you notice much? Eh? Did you notice, like... I didn't leave the house. Did you not? No, not bad.
Starting point is 00:00:39 I was through Edinburgh for most of the day. Aye. I got caught in the match day traffic coming back into Glasgow. Aye. And then watched it with my wife who just becomes the most Scottish person in life Really?
Starting point is 00:00:50 Aye And here? Aye Because you know I she'll wear like an England top when the Lionesses play Aye
Starting point is 00:00:56 Like he's I'll look at her like as if she's one of them Aye Lionesses are alright though Aye Like Danny has disdain for Natalie because she'll cheer England on
Starting point is 00:01:04 when they're not playing Scotland but fucking on a day when England play Scotland that's twice in the last couple of years we've played each other when we've lived here and she's fucking singing Flower of Scotland in her zhalde zhalde added bits can't lose a wanga
Starting point is 00:01:19 can't lose a wanga do you know what For a friendly It was Fairly tasty The other night Like it was I don't know whether it's I don't know if it's a
Starting point is 00:01:31 Built up tension Because there's so many There's so many folk Making big deals about it Since Aye Like the fact that We were booing
Starting point is 00:01:38 God saved God saved I nearly said God saved the queen Aye yeah He didn't do a good job With that did he Fucking died Where's your god now No God hates you I nearly said God Save the Queen. Aye, yeah. He didn't do a good job of that, did he?
Starting point is 00:01:46 Where's your God now? God hates you. God Save the Queen? Nah. Nah, good. Save her yourself. And then as if jinxing it wasn't bad enough, we start singing about the king.
Starting point is 00:02:00 It must... Like, have you... I don't know, because you're Geordie. Do you sing it? I've never... I've never gotten anything out of that it? I've never I've never gotten anything out of that song I've never sung it in my life
Starting point is 00:02:08 like it did more for us when it was about the queen like I have an actual bit of like disdain for it
Starting point is 00:02:15 now it's about the king I hate that because this is the only time it's ever changed in my lifetime I hate how you'd either go God save our gracious queen
Starting point is 00:02:24 yeah right it's like very specific if you're calling someone gracious you're being specific yeah you don't know who the next person is going to be but you're going to call them gracious anyway and you should get like a henry the eighth type king i is not gracious fucking but you call them gracious there's no way with those big fucking fingers that charles is gracious with anything he's not gentle is he there's no grace fucking knocking over milk and all sorts at the breakfast table you see that when he was like kicking off and he's like um help us trying to move a fucking thingy around with a pen yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:02:56 there's no gracious about that man so like i'm not gonna just step in and start singing about someone being gracious when we haven't thought it through write him his own specific song but each one of them gets a theme like yeah God save our buff buffoon buff buffoon's the wrong word I feel it improv isn't really strong
Starting point is 00:03:16 so you keep the same song the same basic song I thought you were going to write a different theme tune like boxers as they come in proper mix it up imagine they get their own
Starting point is 00:03:29 imagine the pressure imagine the pressure of that songwriter having to write the king's very own theme song what'd they do like
Starting point is 00:03:39 do you remember because they they always get an artist in to do an official painting, and Rolf Harris did it. Do you remember that years ago? Rolf Harris was the official Queen's painter. He did it for Prince Andrew.
Starting point is 00:03:58 He's been doing it for Andrew for years. That's where the communicator on that goes, I normally do these for kids. You like kids, do you? What do you mean by that? What do you mean by that, Andrew? I mean, I do like kids, but what are you... You know, because these people find each other, don't they?
Starting point is 00:04:18 They find each other. They must put little... That would make an amazing sketch. Two people sizing each other up the last thing you want to do is lay your cards out right in the table and i'm not in it at all no one's probably fucking putting a pedo card and he'd immediately go there. Aye, you've got to poker face it. Pedos dip their toe in with other pedos. I wonder how many times
Starting point is 00:04:51 you've had a pedo dip their toe in with you and find out you're not the guy and you haven't realised that you've been pedotested by a pedo. Aye, my Christ, aye, can you imagine? Fucking hell. I'm going to be thinking about every interaction I have with anyone out to see if it's a pedo test in the water just say it just say it come out with it and the most innocuous things that people say i'll get that door for you mate what do you mean by
Starting point is 00:05:18 that maybe it's like, because I've always tackled with the limp handshake a few times on this podcast. Now, Mason's got a handshake. Maybe it's the limp handshake, guys. Oh, they might have their own. The secret handshake is a nonsense. Just give them your hand. Aye.
Starting point is 00:05:38 And then, because they'd know as soon as them two limp handshakes got together, Aye. there'd be a chemistry. If your hands are really soft as well you'd get an inkling because you can't wank off a kid with
Starting point is 00:05:48 a rough hand and also you like you can't wank off yourself and imagine a kid's dinner if you haven't got soft hands you can't have the
Starting point is 00:05:56 hand of a scaffolder and go what have you been up to at school today he's a blind kid is it the masons is the masons handshake the one What, you've been up to school today? It's a Blythe kid. Is it the Masons?
Starting point is 00:06:10 Is the Masons handshake the one where they, like, rub one of the knuckles? Do they not, like, press the fleshy part of your hand? Is that what it is? It's a weird... I think they just gently press the bit between your thumb. Ah, right. I think they gently press in there. Is that not pressure points as well? Acupuncturist people do that.
Starting point is 00:06:24 Do they? No you can like Relax yourself on a plane or something By pressing on there You press that So if you're sitting on a plane Going like that I've always relaxed around Freemasons
Starting point is 00:06:33 I've never more relaxed than I was My dad got asked to join the Masons A year ago Did he? Yeah Did he turn them down? He turned them down What do you have to do to get asked?
Starting point is 00:06:44 Oh you need to It's like It's like really? Oh, you need to, it's like, it's like really exclusive golf clubs. You need to have had a guy that's been in for a good while. Yeah, I think you need
Starting point is 00:06:51 to have like three signatories or something like that. So you need, you need to. The last is in yet? No, God, no. Blacks?
Starting point is 00:06:58 Eh, I don't, well, I don't know, actually. Homosexuals? I don't think, no. I wonder what the hierarchy would be. I think women would
Starting point is 00:07:04 probably be last. I think for you three other strict masons The closed masons I wonder what the hierarchy I wonder what minority group they would allow in first I reckon they'd probably allow men of colour ahead of any white women. I reckon they'd probably allow men of colour ahead of any white women.
Starting point is 00:07:27 You think so? I reckon women will be the bottom. Aye. Just blow rats. Aye. Well, no. Catholics will be the bottom. That was Borat, wasn't it?
Starting point is 00:07:37 Yeah. You were saying, you were saying it has men, then women, then rats, then Jews. Fuck's sake. They're running to the Jews. What the fuck is that? then women then rats and Jews the Jewish comedy writers like Sacha Baron Cohen and fucking Matt Matt Stone and I a Parker. Matt Parker, Trey, Matt, Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Yeah. They are just the,
Starting point is 00:08:07 the, the fucking self attacks that they, they. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:11 They just own it. Uh huh. Yeah. Ari Shafia, I seen his special too. Like this shit, this shit that like you feel bad even laughing at it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:19 It was written and composed by a Jewish man. Yeah. And you still feel bad. Yeah. You can't say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the ultimate though. That's completely owning it.
Starting point is 00:08:29 That's completely bringing it back and going, fuck, I can make well worse jokes about myself than you ever could. Do you reckon the... I reckon Jewish are the first ones in the Freemasons out of the minority groups.
Starting point is 00:08:42 I reckon they're high up. Possibly, aye. I reckon they're before men of colour. Aye. Aye. Disabled people? Nah. Not a chance. Because they're all old buildings. I think you would love disabled people. There's a lot of
Starting point is 00:08:55 stairs. There's no way a Freemason is going to put a fucking lift in in one of those old bits. I think that's true, but I also think like, there's Freemasons who love getting disabled's true, but I also think, like, there's Freemasons who love getting disabled. Like, no Freemasons, like, trans. Like, none of them became women.
Starting point is 00:09:12 Oh, no, no, no. None of them became... That might be the group that loves getting laid last. Not a single Freemason has become a woman. No. But a few Freemasons have become disabled. Yeah, that's true. So... And been banished.
Starting point is 00:09:26 Like a fucking that's true. And been banished. Like a fucking king's court. Get the fuck out. I want to put this on record that the Freemasons sacrifice disabled people. So that's a Patreon if there's any chance. £3 paywall.
Starting point is 00:09:41 £3 paywall. That's the protection I need. That'll keep us safe. Do you reckon the Freemasons go after people that disparage them do you think you can invoke the wrath of the Freemasons
Starting point is 00:09:53 nah I don't think they're a hugely I mean I don't know because they're a secret of society but I don't know I don't know how powerful they are now
Starting point is 00:10:00 I think they would have been according to Da Vinci Code they've got some oh aye they'd have been the top dogs back in the day but now do you think they would have been according to Da Vinci Code they've got some oh aye they'd have been the top dogs back in the day
Starting point is 00:10:08 but now do you think they're just like like you know now they're like the scouts you know like I don't want to go after beta gangs that's the wrong people
Starting point is 00:10:16 to go after but beta beta gangs fucking hold up here it's not beta gangs are like real salt of the earth blokes
Starting point is 00:10:24 who do like charity drives now. Yes, they are, yeah. They're still hard cones. And you wouldn't really want to cross them. No. They do like Easter egg hunts and that. But there is a more acceptable face of the biker gang now.
Starting point is 00:10:38 Uh-huh. I take it where biker gangs, particularly 60s, they're mostly drug dealers. But also, because there's the thing because the Hells Angels I mean enforce us probably as well aye
Starting point is 00:10:50 because the the Rolling Stones hired eh was it Altamont their gig there they hired the Rolling Stones
Starting point is 00:10:58 the Rolling Stones hired the Hells Angels as their private security for the gig and they ended up fucking killing a guy in the crowd like I think, I don't even think the guy
Starting point is 00:11:07 did that much wrong I think he either crowd surfed or held up a sign going like play satisfaction and they just fucking destroyed the guy please can I have your wristband Keith
Starting point is 00:11:23 as a kid as a disabled kid and the Rolling Stones hadn't hired a guy they hired Freemasons right so this is a fact I just want to put this on record the Rolling Stones hired the Freemasons as security
Starting point is 00:11:42 and they killed the disabled kid at a gig because he wanted Keith Richards' wristband sweatband I'm putting a lot of stuff on record the day like this it's going to get played back in court and I'm going to stand there just like
Starting point is 00:11:57 completely agree yep I've been watching Yellowstone at the minute. This isn't a complete pivot because it's the same writer as Sons of Anarchy. Oh, is it? Uh-huh. And it is absolutely Sons of Anarchy on horses.
Starting point is 00:12:19 Have you seen it? No, I've not. Kevin Costner is classing it. I never watched it because I thought because like Costner was an old guy in it and I'd read the description of it and it was something like he was a farmhand or something like that. He owned a farm or something like that. He owns a ranch.
Starting point is 00:12:36 He owns a ranch. He's like one of the last actual cowboys who's like fucking actually herding cattle and living off the back of the land so what era is it set in it's set it's got iPhones what
Starting point is 00:12:49 it's now it's a modern day cowboy it's a modern day cowboy film fuck off and it's like people are trying to encroach on his land to build casinos
Starting point is 00:12:57 alright and it gets like like they're just going above above and beyond the law to fucking stop this from happening. And there's also the element of this super rich Native American
Starting point is 00:13:10 who wants the land back off him because he believes it's his. So it's all like, it's lawyers and iPhones, but also horseback and gunfire. That is nothing. When I read he was a ranch hand or a ranch owner, I assumed it was set at Wild West kind of times, and I just thought, I'll be dull as fuck. I believe there's a spin-off series that's just come out
Starting point is 00:13:31 that's the 1800s, and it's the same ranch. But this is, like, started in 2018 and runs until now-ish, five seasons. So it's violent? Aye. Oh, nice, man. It's really good. I mean so it's violent aye oh nice man yeah it's really good I mean it's corny as fuck
Starting point is 00:13:47 I really like Sons it's super corny it's corny like Sons is aye and it's kind of the same mould where like
Starting point is 00:13:54 there's the bloke you're meant to fancy who's meant to be cool as fuck aye Costner is he shagging or not like
Starting point is 00:14:02 Costner aye Costner get his end of way on it aye I think the district attorney or something like he's shagging or anything I'll like I say aye Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that
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Starting point is 00:14:12 Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Sean Connery's shiting it man What an Oscar for it you tit You fucking idiot He plays Sean Connery And it's so funny He's honestly Putting his own accent on He's putting He's doing an impression of himself
Starting point is 00:14:40 All the way through the film I think what are you doing It's too much It's too much Sean You're doing an impression of yourself all the way through the film. I think, what are you doing? It's too much. It's too much, Sean. Fucking dial it down. Take the corner down to about a seven there. Yeah, what are you doing?
Starting point is 00:14:56 This. It was so funny. It's like he's, yes, he's like a parody of himself He's fucking good Do you know Like that's one of the only Scenes in films I think Where It's like
Starting point is 00:15:11 A cry See when he dies Aye And he's crawling along Aha And he's like Fuck it And then he gets
Starting point is 00:15:19 He wants to get the cross Yeah Patron Saint cross That and when Goose dies In Top Gun Oh fuck I Top Gun 2 by the way I say they're too acceptable
Starting point is 00:15:27 Aye Aye Have you just seen it? Fucking class that Have you just seen it? Aye Recently aye Like in the
Starting point is 00:15:33 Like in Buda Mud for Go maybe It's amazing innit But I haven't spoke to you Since I've seen it Like I've spoke to you But not about this Aye Aye
Starting point is 00:15:39 I didn't know how They were going to make it work Aye I thought it was going to be shit It's phenomenal It's like fucking The tension and the suspense on their actual mission,
Starting point is 00:15:47 when they're doing the mission. Aye, it's proper class. And the relationship between him and Goose's younger. Aye. And it's like a sensationalistic, Americanised fucking... But that's what you want from it. Aye, it's awesome, man. It's like what you want from a Rocky film, you know?
Starting point is 00:16:00 See that bit? See that bit when they're sitting there, and John Hamm, is it John Hamm? Yeah. From Mad Men. He's sitting there and John Hamm, is it John Hamm from Mad Men? He's sitting there and he's basically saying, right, fucking, here's how we're going to do the mission now. And they're like that.
Starting point is 00:16:13 This is literally suicide. And he goes, well, you can't do it the way he was going to get you to do it. And then the fucking TV just comes on and you hear him and fucking Tom Cruise is in the fighter jet and he's going to show it, I'll fucking do it he's out of the way
Starting point is 00:16:26 it's so good I've been watching loads of films based on your recommendations because I put it out on Facebook a while ago didn't I I just watched 12 Angry Men and that's not the film it's a free miss it's a free miss
Starting point is 00:16:43 it's a freeemasons It's a Freemasons Outside the disabled clinic Twelve angry Freemasons Picketing Twelve Freemasons watching the Great North Run Just guns and wheelchairs Chucking rocks at them You're going to make them worse three weeks since watching the Great North Run just constant wheelchair chucking rocks at them you're gonna make them worse
Starting point is 00:17:09 worse you're gonna make them more disabled you'll hate them more what are you doing oh did you hear you know what I'm saying did you hear this is like Cullen that's read the headline of something and then passed it to their friend as news but I'm going to do it anyway.
Starting point is 00:17:26 Did you hear there was a blind athlete trying to beat the Guinness World Records at the Great North Run? And he was following an athlete that had a bell. And the organisers of the Great North Run And then a cat came on!
Starting point is 00:17:42 Worse. Worse. The organisers of the Great North Run gave everyone at the finish line a bell to ring no oh my god this cunt just exploded in this round
Starting point is 00:17:54 yeah apparently it was running running circles now now I'm telling you this off the Facebook status I saw of somebody who I don't know
Starting point is 00:18:02 and I'm passing it to you as news that's such bullshit. There's no way he'd be running around in circles. He'd realise something was amiss. You would just think that it got a little bit like a couple of chicanes towards the end. Imagine being in that blind guy's head, right?
Starting point is 00:18:24 You're running full tick You're fucking exhausted at that point You're listening for the bell And then you just hear the bells elsewhere Oh aye I know it would be You're trying to identify the bell Right from
Starting point is 00:18:34 The bell that you've been listening to From the bells that are ringing Aye You're trying to isolate that one sound right But you don't want to stop running Because you're nearly there Aye So this was right at the, so this
Starting point is 00:18:45 would be like the last hundred metres. So this was like the finish. I mean, you're asking us for more information. I've read a dude's Facebook status. Fuck it, so that's how blind, well, again, you won't know, that's how blind runners.
Starting point is 00:19:02 So you, so that was, that was the old joke. So the bell holder would need to be marginally fitter than you because they need to keep a pace. Fuck. So you'd have to get, like, the bell holder would have to be an actual athlete. I mean, we are, like, presuming.
Starting point is 00:19:20 We're building this world based on Facebook status. But I would presume that the person with the bell would be why didn't I was going to say why didn't we put them on a leash
Starting point is 00:19:31 but I just feel like it's just an ethical quandary isn't it like why like if you were towing a car aye
Starting point is 00:19:38 why not just join up with a slack so that you can go around bends and stuff aye that would make more sense but then what if one falls then that's and if you had the bell
Starting point is 00:19:52 like that would even at the end when people are cheering and egging you on that would drown out the bell a bit wouldn't it yeah and then what if a church you run past a church on the stroke of the hour fuck aye this cunt's going uphill And then what if a church, you run past a church on the stroke of the hour. Oh, fuck. Next thing you know, this cunt's going uphill.
Starting point is 00:20:09 What the fuck is he doing? Next thing you know, you're running down the aisle of a wedding. Somebody's just turning with a chair on their eye and looks down the aisle and says, fucking Stevie Wonder fucking got a full tick. God, I'm not doing all that. And I know James is marrying a blind guy. on full tick I don't know James is marrying a blind guy that'll make sense
Starting point is 00:20:32 now why is he wearing a vest why is he wearing a vest oh Christ he definitely didn't catch the
Starting point is 00:20:43 bouquet at the last one no no that's not a bell in it did you see Oh Christ He definitely didn't catch the bouquet at the last one No not that Did you see Did you see the Mexican guy that found Colin The what? Did you see the Mexican guy that found Colin
Starting point is 00:20:55 The aliens Oh right Little tiny little Paris alien Just Colin's exoskeleton. Passing them off as... Cullen had claimed out of his second skin and somebody in Mexico found it.
Starting point is 00:21:13 And Cullen just kept on living his life. It's that fucking... Why would... If you were trying to pass off fake aliens, why would you make them look like every alien that's ever been drawn oh yeah i mean like at least put something in that's why uh i had this theory that was in my first ever friend show that um as evolution goes on right for like for the future years like we're going to be gray and
Starting point is 00:21:41 skin because we're going to be like a homogenous color. Like at the minute, we've got a lot of variety from like black people, brown people, Asians, Caucasian. Eventually, everyone will be this homogenous color. Right. That's fair enough. And we're like now we don't need strength and we need intelligence to provide. Women are going to be more attracted to intelligent men. So the brain is going to be more of an intelligent men so the brain's going to be more of an evolutionary quality than the brawn so you're going to end up with big-headed men with skinny bodies who are
Starting point is 00:22:10 all like a homogenous color right and then um we've invented time travel right we invented time travel in the future and we came back as time travelers and everybody just assumed we're aliens and it's just us from the future coming back And that's why we're all the skinny bodied, gray, big headed things. And this is the joke that never worked, but I did it every day. And disabled people have got it enough on this podcast. But you do know I love you.
Starting point is 00:22:39 Stephen Hawking had a theory that, he had a theory that there's no such thing as time travel because if time travel is real, we would have been visited already. Right, yeah. And I'm like, we have been visited already, and that's what the aliens are. Right, yeah. Stephen Hawking is actually from the future,
Starting point is 00:22:57 and he's the person who invented time travel because he's so smart. And he went back, and he just hadn't entered the kinks. And he arrived a little bit mangled from the future and just said his life work and telling people not to pursue time travel i've seen the damage it can do leave it alone look at me he hadn't earned out the king. He hadn't ironed out the king of time travel. This purely able-bodied man got in the pod. Got in the pod.
Starting point is 00:23:35 And went back in time and was like, fuck, damn, I fucked it. Right, lad, time travel doesn't work. Doesn't work. Don't pursue it. You're wasting your time, scientist. Make phones smaller. I time scientists make phones smaller we need to make phones smaller oh god almighty
Starting point is 00:23:51 alright quite an ambitious bit of material for a first ever French show for a debut show that is for somebody
Starting point is 00:23:56 for somebody who still somebody who hasn't ironed out the kinks yeah ironed out the kinks yeah I still haven't
Starting point is 00:24:02 for my debut hour and I still had a day job I thought I'd gone in with here's why he's disabled and how did it did it not work did it land ever huh
Starting point is 00:24:14 at the fringe did it land occasionally it was quite a long winded bit you know where I didn't where I didn't figure it out all them bits along the way like telling you
Starting point is 00:24:26 about like people being the homogenous colour about heads being bigger about bodies being smaller about aliens being people from the future I didn't build
Starting point is 00:24:35 laughs into that bit that was all just build up build up build up build up so it was just you saying stuff
Starting point is 00:24:41 just me saying stuff so then when I got to that bit people liked it but I took them too far down the road when they laughed together so if i was to ever do that bit again i'd be super hypothetical yeah because i'm not gonna do that bit again i'd work on each of the individual bits and make each of them their own bit that was like had punchlines and was funny i mean it's not that bad a theory like when you actually when you actually explain it like the the gray skin coloration does make sense oh there's the theory of them being aliens being
Starting point is 00:25:16 time travelers and that's why like through all like oh no that's a load of shit that i don't believe that bit no but the bit about stephen hawke yeah that i'm fully on board with that um no the idea that aliens are gray because in the future all skin color just starts to slowly match and becomes this yeah but then the brain thing i don't why would that are you talking about brains actually growing evolutions or like have you read sapiens the no noah uvel harari book no about like we're always born like we're we're technically born premature like we're underdeveloped you know like if you see a horse being born and it'll just get up and run off but we need like we have like the fourth trimester when we're alive where we're just yeah yeah my care care because we're not ready yet.
Starting point is 00:26:06 That's to do with the shrinking of the hips from us standing up and becoming bipeds instead of being on all fours and fucking running around like chimps. We're more upright from looking out for predators like meerkats. So the angle of the hips. And because we're more intelligent as a species, our brains are bigger, so with the baby's bigger head,
Starting point is 00:26:29 and the, the angle of the hips, creating a smaller hole to come out of, means that we'll come out, prematurely, because of the big head. So already, we're on that evolutionary path,
Starting point is 00:26:39 to have bigger. So every human comes out premature. Uh-huh. What should, what age should we be? What, to be walking around in that like you can't be i'm not a real scientist i know it's a couple of times like but fully grown man
Starting point is 00:26:50 i'm gonna say like nine years old nine nine year old fucking hell oh that's a grim time for women when do when do kids walk when can they support their own body weight? So I'm trying to think when mine started walking. I would say that went in the crawl. I reckon crawling age would be the primate birth. I mean, most of them start crawling around in about four or five months, I think. Do they? I don't know. I can't remember.
Starting point is 00:27:19 So something around that six-month mark, I reckon, would be prime. If they could come out and do some stuff like any other animal Aye Because other animals just crack on I know other animals just hit the deck and then immediately get up
Starting point is 00:27:30 Who taught you that? Fuck off Who the fuck taught you that? But then there's also they have to because their parents don't hugely take care of them
Starting point is 00:27:38 No that much like they will I think most animals will take care of their young early doors There's no animal that takes care of like we do.
Starting point is 00:27:46 Allegedly as well, our intelligence started growing exponentially because of the fact that the babies couldn't just take care of themselves and you needed community. So you needed other people in your tribe to help you with the baby. So you'd have to communicate. And the communication is just the sharing of knowledge,'t it all right that's fascinating so so um just by needing the community to keep the baby alive that isn't ready to fend for itself in any position uh will become more intelligent as a species um totally recommend any books he's got
Starting point is 00:28:21 he's got a handful of books uh and sapiens is one. That's the best one out of all of his books. Are they all about this kind of shit? Like that one's more about evolution and I think Homo Deus is more about the future. Gay folk. The literal antithesis to evolution. The culling
Starting point is 00:28:46 of humankind. Oh my god. I'll get that then. And I will watch Yellowstone. Has Costner become one of those guys then that you know like, because Liam Neeson has done it and Denzel Washington's done it,
Starting point is 00:29:06 where these lads get to, like, 60-odd and then become action heroes. He shows his age in it. He's not, like, a bulletproof guy. Like, he's gone through some health stuff. Right. And he's hanging on by a thread to his empire. Aye.
Starting point is 00:29:22 Like, he's not bulletproof in it. But he's, like, his empire. Aye. Like, he's not bulletproof in it, but he's like, he's like, his word commands respect still. Aye. So I think Angkos has actually done a couple of those Taken-type equalizer films.
Starting point is 00:29:38 That's a weird, that was a weird movement. Expendables did it, do you think? Aye. When they just got the old guys in. Aye, that's true, actually. Aye. I didn't realise they were on to four now
Starting point is 00:29:47 I watched one And I knew there was a sequel And then I just saw A bus with four on it I think I missed that There was a third one Aye there is I don't even know
Starting point is 00:29:53 Who's in it now Are they any good Do you know what They're really entertaining Who are they pulling out The woodwork now To like Take it to the next level
Starting point is 00:30:00 There's nobody There's nobody really left Like because they've really I don't think there's anybody New in the new one Because they had Because they brought Wesley Snipes out and then Dolph Lundgren was in one of them.
Starting point is 00:30:10 I know. Was anyone in jail? He was in jail for tax avoidance. Was he? Yeah. He did a massive tax bill. I don't know if he actually went to jail. I know. Dolph Lundgren was in one of them. And then Jet Li, he was brought out for one I know. Right, so Dolph Lundgren
Starting point is 00:30:25 was in one of them. And then Jet Li, he was brought out for one of them. Oh, it was sad seeing Val Kilmer and Maverick
Starting point is 00:30:32 looking, looking gropey. close to death. Aye, because I don't know how much that was hammed up to make him look ill. Oh no,
Starting point is 00:30:38 I think that was fucking, I don't know if he's, he's like the proper voice thing. Because he, because I've been banging, like you actually got us into the Westons, which got us onto Yellowstone, I don't know if he's like the proper voice thing but yeah. Because he because I've been banging like you actually got us into the westerns
Starting point is 00:30:48 which got us onto Yellowstone which got us onto I'm recently playing Red Dead Redemption as well which was a fucking nice game and I was a bit slow to get into it
Starting point is 00:30:54 I was like fucking I just wanted to get on with it and the stuff happening but now I'm really into it. Is it the second one you're playing? Yes. Aye.
Starting point is 00:31:03 Tombstone I watched with Val Kilmer. Aye, that's quality. Kurt Russell plays Wyatt Earp and Val Kilmer plays... Doc Holliday. Doc Holliday, that's it. There's a bit where Wyatt Earp's just trying
Starting point is 00:31:15 to get rid of some bandits, like just playing them off, like, oh, I'm not into that life anymore and all that. And he was like, what about you, Doc? Are you past your best or something? He's like, nah nah I'm in my prime yeah yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:31:27 yeah yeah fucking class man he's always fucking that film as well he's got some weird like pneumonia kind of thing where he has to
Starting point is 00:31:34 he's packing up a lung he always has to have a hanky with him he's got a he's got a catheter and a fucking drip and everything he's wearing a nightgown
Starting point is 00:31:43 and he's like nah I'm in my prime. I read Red Dead Redemption fucking killed us the other day. I'd just been on a level, right, where you get drunk and you're looking for your mate and someone keeps bothering you while you're drunk and you're getting more drunk and more drunk
Starting point is 00:32:02 and I fucking ended up drowning this bloke in a pig trough, right? I don't know what I had fucking drowning him in a pig trough. And then, uh, and then I picked up a new horse and I went to name it. And I called it Spatchcock. Right?
Starting point is 00:32:18 I called my horse Spatchcock. And it wouldn't let us name the horse Spatchcock because it had a swear word on it. Spatch? I was like, this is Rockstar Games, man. I know, I know. You taught me how to beat up an old grandma with a dildo.
Starting point is 00:32:35 That is mental. What the fuck are you doing? Is this a joke? Like, am I in on a joke here? It didn't exclaim that it was a joke, but it wouldn't let his name be a horse's swear word. Surely there is swearing
Starting point is 00:32:44 from the characters. There definitely is. Aye. 100% is. Because there's tons of it in Grand Theft Auto. In this brutal murder. You can hogtie a cunt and put him on the railway line. Aye, aye, aye.
Starting point is 00:32:55 So can you, because I've never, I've played the first one, I've never played the second one. See, in the second one, can you choose how to kill people? Like, do you interact with the surroundings surroundings but there are inventive ways that you can kill yes i haven't gotten too much into the just free roaming killing content yet so you're still doing missions and i'm still doing missions because when i said it's a bit slow it's like i just went to start like lasso someone off the horse while i'm getting past them and then somebody snitches and then i'm getting chased by fucking bounty hunters and then i'm dead and i get plunked at the other end of the map and i have to ride my horse all the way back so i haven't really getting into the creative killing i'm still
Starting point is 00:33:33 sticking to the mission and doing the odd side quest here and there but i like it just it gives you options you can spare people the first couple of missions that lets you spare people or wipe them out it was like one bloke where he was like fucking hanging off the cliff and I just fucking give us a chance to pull him up and I just shot him in the heat. Just in case anyone found the body and thought it was a natural death. It's so funny.
Starting point is 00:33:56 I mean it's a great game. Game is so funny. I found it so funny being told off for swearing by Rockstar Games. That's like Bill Cosby not swearing. Bill Cosby didn't swear, did he? No, he's famous for that.
Starting point is 00:34:11 You're like, aye, what else you up to? Yeah, aye. What else you up to? Hug tying people and putting them on the train tracks, are you? Did you see that the next Grand Theft Auto game's going to have Joe Rogan's podcast as one of the stations when you get in a car. Just so you can take a car straight into the wall.
Starting point is 00:34:31 Just so you've got an authentic excuse if you mow down a bunch of people. I love that. Did he ever play, I think it was Grand Theft Auto 4 and it had Frankie Boyle on it. Yeah, you could get the comic on. Ricky Gervais
Starting point is 00:34:45 yeah the sets aye aye fucking madness I fed the comic club that's a level in standout that you didn't even know you could reach
Starting point is 00:34:52 no aye that's that's absolute peak until you get there when you're in a fucking Grand Theft Auto game it's fucking hilarious watching it as well
Starting point is 00:35:00 because I've watched I've since watched clips of it on YouTube where you get like Gervais or Frankie doing very clearly gags
Starting point is 00:35:10 that are culturally set in Britain and then you've got a table full of fucking Polish gangsters fucking slapping their thighs like that you don't know what Aldi is
Starting point is 00:35:25 and the fuck he's talking about. How do you know about Jill Daniels? Yeah. A fucking Jordan's kid gets brought up and he's slapping his past back like that. Oh, for Christ's sake,
Starting point is 00:35:41 it's not true. It's like you, lad. It's like you. Oh, man. It's like you. Oh, man. When's that out? The Grand Theft Auto 6? I don't know. They keep teasing it for ages.
Starting point is 00:35:52 The Grand Theft Auto 6. The Grand Theft Auto 6 is on the PlayStation 5. What did Colin call the good fellas? The good fellas. Oh, God, yeah. I was watching the good fellas. I was watching the good fellas. The Goodfellas.
Starting point is 00:36:01 The Goodfellas. Oh, God, yeah. I was watching The Goodfellas. I was watching The Goodfellas. Ever since I was a boy, I wanted to be one of The Goodfellas. The Goodfellas. Fellow with a W. Did you enjoy Cullen's Christmas sausage that I left out for you that day? So funny, man.
Starting point is 00:36:20 Because we're waiting untilmas to tell the full story on our podcast so we're saving the story well you can imagine it's been told on this i don't know but how do you know it's oh fucking i fucking died i took a picture of it as well i meant to send you actually but it was very very funny and then i uh because it had been sitting was that it's sitting in just water the brain was it the brain out of 10 because we couldn't work out whether it was and then on the podcast i said to colin that i'd give him 50 quid if he drunk the sausage juice and he was like there's no fucking and then i said if i drink it give me a fiver and he wouldn't even do that he was like
Starting point is 00:37:01 i cannot sit and watch you drink sausage juice. Oh, God. It's just, it's still too raw for him. It sounds posh. The pain. Still raw. Right. Context.
Starting point is 00:37:14 We're on a podcast. We'll give the people the context. In a WhatsApp group over Christmas, we're all communicating with each other about how Christmas is going. Yeah, it started very innocently. Very innocently. And then Colin's like,
Starting point is 00:37:27 oh, the drama's kicking off at my house. Gareth came in and said, how's everybody's Christmas morning been? Aye. And we all basically went, aye, all right, not bad. I met the in-laws quietly. Aye, just opened my first beer.
Starting point is 00:37:39 Yeah, nothing's happened yet. Bye, right. And his kicked off that like, it's kicked off at my house. Somebody's at the sausage and it was the it was the the word the it was the word the
Starting point is 00:37:54 it was the word the not a sausage the sausage oh my god Colin's someone at the Christmas and there was just all of these just fucking Oh my God, calling someone out to Christmas. And there was just all of these fucking scenarios of Eugene kicking off in the house because the Christmas sausage was gone. It hadn't even been divided out yet between the family. It was very, even secondhand now, telling on a podcast, hard to explain.
Starting point is 00:38:22 But what it left was fucking nine middle-aged men with all their family and extended family fucking howling at a WhatsApp. Oh. Absolutely fucking pieces at a WhatsApp, and they couldn't really explain. I could barely stand. I was laughing so much. Did you see Gareth recently done an interview about being a new dad, and it was for a bit of press for The Fringe.
Starting point is 00:38:43 Yeah, John The Fringe, yeah. He got asked, was his kid just like a month old at the time or something right and they was talking about the tiredness and he just like gave a little bit of context to that and said one day i was just laughing at this whatsapp conversation about this sausage and my wife asked what i was laughing at and i think it was just the tired delirium of not having much sleep and having a new baby and i just said to my wife oh just something about a sausage. I'm just laughing at the sausage.
Starting point is 00:39:06 It's a funny sausage. And they clipped it without any of the context. And I was like, what's it like being a new dad? And he's like, I just laughed at a sausage. And my wife asked what I was laughing at. I was just like, it's just a funny sausage. It comes across as a fucking lunatic. And it was like eight months after the fucking fact
Starting point is 00:39:25 and we're still holding up this fucking sausage thing so I'm giving you well I haven't got the studio at the minute you've been using
Starting point is 00:39:31 the studio yeah refurbishing that right now and you guys come to my house when I wasn't in record the podcast
Starting point is 00:39:39 yeah and I just put out one hot dog in hot dog brain with a note next to it. Do not, block capitals, not. Do not eat the sausage. It's marinating for Christmas.
Starting point is 00:39:54 Oh, God. I cannot wait to hear your podcast when Cullen fully explains what the fuck was going on with the Christmas sausage. I've never really got a full explanation because we were laughing too much i don't think we've ever got a full explanation over what the deal was why the anger was so ferocious that this sausage had been eaten because it was him that ate it as well it was him that ate it he never fucking let slip and eugene because it was because he even tried to fool us yeah at first because he was like eugene's kicking off because somebody ate the Christmas sausage. Well, I'll have my fun.
Starting point is 00:40:27 We're all howling and laughing at the Christmas sausage. And then he's like, comes with that, it was him that ate it? Yeah. And I was like, why are you trying to pull the wool out? I know. Why are you trying to convince us? But I still to this day don't know. That same day, Eugene uh because their turkey was dry
Starting point is 00:40:48 or the turkey no turkey was off the turkey was like rancid and it was past itself i think so eugene was he had to get stopped because he was going to march out the house and go to the butchers that he bought it from and fucking smack the guy on Christmas Day like he was going to knock the guy's door down he's not working Christmas Day he's going to go
Starting point is 00:41:10 to the guy's house he's just in Donny Gals serving soup he's serving soup at the homeless shelter Eugene drags him over the counter he starts dunking
Starting point is 00:41:21 his head in the soup he's drying the popcorn oh god almighty oh Jesus Just us dunking his head in the soup. We took his dry and daft gun. Oh, God almighty. Oh, Jesus. How does the new studio look? Great. We've put a lick of paint on it. We've done that thing.
Starting point is 00:41:35 We've got... People can look on the Instagram. We've posted some things on the Instagram. You know, when you've got two tones on one wall, but you've got, like, mask and tape. I like that. We've fucked up the first bit, you know, when you don't pull it down at the 45 degree angle and you pull it away you pull it off instead of away oh then i know you do that we found it the hard way like yeah we just we just peeled it and it was like fucking blemish blemish blemish like
Starting point is 00:42:00 this because it said to take it off when it's wet and I was like I was like I've never taken off when it's wet in my entire fucking life I know I've waited for it to dry like this instruction
Starting point is 00:42:10 is fucking like I know it says take it off when it's wet but like and then I read a bit more up on it
Starting point is 00:42:17 and it was at 45 degrees I had to move so fucking slowly it was painstaking so you pull it down rather than well because
Starting point is 00:42:23 the line was at an angle anyway like I kind of had you pull it down rather than... Well, because the line was at an angle anyway, like I kind of had to pull it like 45 degrees away, down and away. Aye. But it's come up immaculately. Aye.
Starting point is 00:42:32 There's one bit where I have to touch up. I'm just going to use like a bit of cardboard. Aye, aye, aye. It's just one bit so I can just do it with a bit and a brush.
Starting point is 00:42:39 So that's all in and we've got the furniture like all starting to arrive now. We've already got all of the tech. So it's going to look mint. And I've got the furniture like all starting to arrive now. We've already got all of the tech. So it's got to look mint. And I've got the dehumidifier in there as well.
Starting point is 00:42:50 It was fucking moldy, man. You know? I can imagine. We took down the sound, but the sound things were just stinking. They were lifting like covered in mold on the back.
Starting point is 00:42:58 Fuck. Stinking of damp. I had them in the car with us because I was going to store them just in my attic here and then like wheel them back here. You just dumped them? I went straight to the dump i i just i just got in touch with cara and i was just saying i found out what that smell was in the studio because i'm in the car with it no i'm just going straight to the dump so quite a lot of money's worth of shit now but
Starting point is 00:43:17 i'm sure we could have steam cleaned them and upcycled them or what what the fuck ever but i didn't want to store that in me who's in my car or and like just get rid of them so um so we're getting all new acoustic panels but that means we can get like aesthetically pleasing ones that go with the deco as well so we've got their motor they arrived today i think um fucking hell man so we've got new acoustic panels coming in we've got their like everything the whole The whole thing's just been stripped and redone Wow Right, it's going to be good
Starting point is 00:43:48 Looking forward to that Don't think the standard of my chat's going to change much No It's all going to be this still But at this point this is what you've tuned in for Aye You're not there for the aye you're not you're not there for the look you're not there for the aesthetic we're spoiling you since you pay for
Starting point is 00:44:10 this shit thanks thanks we're giving you all of it back this time because the first round the first round we just went to vegas with it and we're very accepting of that that was the trade the trade was look we'll do this as and when we fancy it but if you pay for it we'll do it twice a week forever aye so that was them locking we're in and i was treating it like a job aye but what we got for that was a trip to vegas thank you very much that was amazing i also but we're not just gonna go to vegas and stop the podcast and fucking pull the plug on you imagine if that was it's pretty much for that so since we got back from vegas we've put it all back into the pod oh nice man actually i remember me and colin turned up one day
Starting point is 00:44:52 and there was just a shitload of fucking sony cameras sitting there just like a big stack of the sat in the damp yeah yeah i know oh that was that thing that i like uh fucking god god god bless matthew he does so much work on this podcast, but he's exactly like Daniel in that I just felt like, because he knew we weren't going to use them straight away, but he wanted to look at them. And when I went to clear the studio, the box had just been exploded everywhere
Starting point is 00:45:19 and there's just like manuals and different bits and camera lenses and like the tripod as well. I needed to pack everything back up to take them back out and they've just been exploded and i was just laughing at danny and carol i was just like uh i've just spent the first hour just repackaging everything then uh carol was like oh danny's like that and i was like where'd you get that from your mom and like oh my dad and apparently just the sloth boys just disrespect for anything that they're opening really it's just it doesn't matter how many thousands of puns. They're just like,
Starting point is 00:45:45 didn't need that, didn't need that. That's just a thing. Anyway. I like the day stuff like that with a bit of ceremony. Aye, aye. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:45:53 You're not going to get something new. Even like with a fucking, something as simple as your iPhone. Like a proper unboxing. Yeah. Like I really like the aspect of getting something new and just seeing what else is in the box.
Starting point is 00:46:04 Aye. Not like Not top down camera Recording it And making it Instagrammable But just going through The process myself It's nice Because it's
Starting point is 00:46:12 Because it's something Nice you've got yourself Take a bit of time And pride And go Don't just fucking Like a Mental case
Starting point is 00:46:20 Just start Shocking shit about it Hopping it with your teeth Yeah But I guess that that studio's been like hard to manage as well because Danny will just go in
Starting point is 00:46:32 and use it as a gym and use it as a that's why the damp is as a smoke and shed he's been on a Peloton and some ignore ventilation it's fucking like the water vapour just escaping
Starting point is 00:46:41 from his balls just soaking into the soundboards so i've like i've realized that like i feel because i'm i'm not the most tidy person going like i'm not anal with tidiness but i feel like if we're gonna keep that studio tidy it's just gonna have to be my little pride and joy and even though it's not on my property and it's on somebody else's property i feel like i'm gonna have to just my little pride and joy. And even though it's not on my property and it's on somebody else's property, I feel like I'm going to have to just make sure that I go in and like tidy on the way in,
Starting point is 00:47:10 tidy on the way out and keep it nice so that it's like a good space. Aye. Because it's really hard to work with somebody that's got like, just got such a disregard for cleanliness. For common decency Daniel's the like Jean Texas one name
Starting point is 00:47:30 I've tidied the studio up for you when she was staying over there and I got in and it was like a fucking crack den and I sent her
Starting point is 00:47:36 pictures and she was like honest to God Kai I tidied it in the space of her tidying it and me doing the next podcast
Starting point is 00:47:42 it somehow exploded in there again Jesus remember when his mum found a frog under his bed it's one of those mental things I've space of hair tidying it and me doing the next podcast it somehow exploded there again jesus remember when his mom found a frog under his bed it's one of those mental things i've ever seen in my fucking life it was the skeleton of a frog it wasn't even in a light and i don't think it was under the bed it was like under a pile of clothes or something it was like on the floor i mean jesus christ it was on the carpet like it had come in died and then not just died but completely decomposed to a skeleton that i mean that is that's being untidy uh to the nth degree that is you know it's really funny the
Starting point is 00:48:13 the last few times i've been around his house he's like the place has been immaculate and he's been like uh like pointedly cleaning around us and i don't know if he's doing it because i'm there right oh if he just does that anyway now but remember in the speech I lit him up for it yeah yeah yeah the patrons have heard it actually so I lit him up
Starting point is 00:48:31 for being untidy and ever since that speech every time I've been around he's tidied up in front of us and we named him how was Wonders Farm I didn't go I was in Portugal how did you not go Or how was Windisfarm? I didn't go, I was in Portugal
Starting point is 00:48:48 Oh you were away doing gigs It was a bastard Because I've took quite a bit of time off over Like August and September Because he's off to Like a bunch of weddings and stuff And I got the opportunity to put some Like weekend club gigs in my diary
Starting point is 00:49:04 And I just pied all of them like every time the mail shot got sent out for do you want this do you want this do you want this
Starting point is 00:49:10 I was like do you know what I want to spend some time at home actually like Newcastle are going to start playing in Europe
Starting point is 00:49:16 and I want to go I want to go to Milan and I want to so I'm going to Milan on Monday was it this Monday yeah fuck
Starting point is 00:49:23 so when's the game next Wednesday Tuesday Tuesday so I'm flying out to Turin and me and this Monday? Yeah. Fuck. So when's the game? Next Wednesday? Tuesday. Tuesday. So I'm flying out to Turin and me and Natalie are having a night in Turin because they do direct flights
Starting point is 00:49:30 from Edinburgh. Right. We're having a night in Turin and then getting a train through to Milan, checking in to an Airbnb. Pretty close to the San Siro as well. Nice.
Starting point is 00:49:38 And we've got hold of two tickets. There's been this massive thing. Aye. See, I was trying to explain this to my wee brother the other night at the Scotland game what is the deal with the so
Starting point is 00:49:48 they say on all of the information that you need ID with your ticket and you've got to buy it in your own name so say my friend buys a ticket, offers 45 points on his season ticket before they get released to the broader audience yeah yeah it's got his name on it so they were told that there'd be collection points in milan
Starting point is 00:50:10 where you have to go and say my name's this he has my id he has my season ticket collect your thing and then go to the stadium with your ticket now i phoned me brother-in-law who's followed his team across europe and he says if he's had to collect at a collection point, he's been ID'd. But if he's had the ticket in his hand and went to the stadium, he's never once been ID'd at a single stadium across Europe. Right. The San Siro.
Starting point is 00:50:37 So I've actually got the physical ticket because it got sent to the season ticket holders who brought them for us. So I don't have to go to a collection point. So my hope is that i can just walk into the stadium with the ticket me backup plan is i'm putting some euros in my passport and learning the italian for keep the change so if i get id at the stadium i'll hand over my passport and say keep the change and they'll open it up take the their bribe and let us in. I don't like to stereotype an entire nation, but I feel like the Italians would take a bribe.
Starting point is 00:51:10 Aye. I feel like that would be the top answer on Family Fortunes. Aye. Is what nation would take a bribe? What nation would take a bribe? Well, aye. I'd go any of the kind of Southern European. Spanish would take a bribe. Yeah. In'd go any of the any of the kind of southern european spanish would take a bribe yeah in a second in a second and there and on that note a lot of the south american countries
Starting point is 00:51:32 oh fucking you would absolutely take you don't even need a ticket in the south american country you see russia you take the bribe and then still not let us in you take the bribe then lock us up yeah you take the bribe then lock us up you take the money you take my passport lock us up so I'm not
Starting point is 00:51:49 you're not in this because you're not playing by the rules of bribery that's not a bribe that's theft is Cannes going? not to this one
Starting point is 00:51:57 me and Cannes have already booked our flights in accommodation in Paris for the PSG game the tickets haven't been released for that yet. So that's going to be the next saga.
Starting point is 00:52:09 But I fucking love it. I don't care if we get beat 7-0. Obviously, it's going to be a different fucking atmosphere altogether if we get anything above a draw or a goal. Aye. Oh, I celebrate a goal. But the whole experience of following my team to Europe is something that I've had as a bucket list for a long time. Yeah. Oh I celebrate I go on a San Diego But the whole experience Of following my team To Europe Is like something
Starting point is 00:52:25 That I've like had As a bucket list For a long time Yeah Like last time We were in Europe I simply couldn't afford it Like I wasn't
Starting point is 00:52:33 In a position in my life When was that? 2012 In Europa Was that in Akegan? 2005 In Pardew
Starting point is 00:52:42 Pardew Pardew Alright 2005 was the last time I won the Champions League and that was Bobby Robson oh fuck aye
Starting point is 00:52:48 so around about 2005 like I used to travel around the UK again like I went like Anfield for a FA Cup game
Starting point is 00:52:56 not I went I went and watched we got beat off Wigan and I went I went the Millennium Stadium to watch the semi-final against Man United.
Starting point is 00:53:06 Like, I'd done a lot of football tourism within the country at that age. I just, like, I didn't get abroad. Aye. I didn't get overseas. I didn't quite have that money. Because I'm trying to mastermind, like, going to Germany just now.
Starting point is 00:53:21 Aye. Because the tickets, I mean, the tickets won't get released till the draw I mean the draw's not till December and by that point so what all the folk are doing now and what I'm looking out just now is basically booking somewhere to stay in every single one of the cities
Starting point is 00:53:36 yeah and but making sure it's one of the places that you don't have to pay till like two days before and you get a full refund you know I mean? Like there's no, there's no outlay. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:53:48 Yeah, yeah. Like refundable. Yeah, even if it is refundable, I'll buy it. But I wouldn't be able to afford that because there's like 12 whole cities. You've got to pay ahead your bets. Aye.
Starting point is 00:53:59 And there's certain places like if you kind of stay in like Frankfurt or there's certain cities that are fairly close to all the other cities that you can go by train could they not open the camps file the Scotland fans could
Starting point is 00:54:12 they haven't plumbed them in you don't need to plumb them in but they're I hear there's some comfy beds there by Scottish standards there weren't that many By Scottish standards There weren't that many in Germany They fucking had the camps elsewhere you did Auschwitz isn't in downtown Munich for fuck's sake
Starting point is 00:54:39 Don't light this up on my geography mark You don't It's not like You don't shit You don't shit this up on me don't light this up on me geography mark you don't it's not like you don't shit you don't shit where you eat like it's not like I'm one of the most worldly travelled people
Starting point is 00:54:53 on the planet oh god but there's a chance when booking the tickets I might have enough points on my Scotland eh supporters
Starting point is 00:55:04 but is that how it works yeah it's the same thing the internationals aye I might have enough points on my Scotland supporters. Is that how it works? Yeah, it's the same thing. The internationals, aye. So I reckon I might just sneak in, but then Seamus won't and I'm taking him with me. But at that stage, I'm now planning on going. Like if I go and one of my pals goes and my brother goes
Starting point is 00:55:19 and we both get tickets, just fucking put him in in front of you in the turnstiles and then just sit him on my knee for the game because it's not like have you got time to get him enough points is there enough games nah there's not there's no no chance he's only been a member since the start of this campaign because this is how long he's been old enough to go so it's like
Starting point is 00:55:36 there's no way you could get that amount of points now nah so that's done because I mean Natalie would love to go out but there's no chance of getting tickets nah it'll be like it'll be like it'll be like any it'll be like any fucking international tournament if you go out there's a chance you could pick up tickets from because like what i didn't realize uefa do is um they give every single country that's in the qualifiers an allocation and then if you don't qualify they
Starting point is 00:56:08 those those federations still need to get rid of the tickets so they then get released back so there's a good chance you will have like there'll be some floating tickets
Starting point is 00:56:18 I mean the German fans will have tickets yeah and it's a case of in those circumstances may change finding German fans and going.
Starting point is 00:56:27 Yeah. We've probably got some contact out in Germany as well, you know, from the tours that we do. Because we do tours in Germany. I'll explore every avenue. Because I'd love to go
Starting point is 00:56:37 with Natalie because she would happily go to an England game with me and I'd happily go to a Scotland game with her. We're not feral against each other as nations. But there was no way
Starting point is 00:56:46 we could have went to that game on Tuesday because I couldn't have sat in her end and she couldn't have sat in mine. But we'd love to go out to Germany
Starting point is 00:56:54 and go to one of each other's games if we could. Aye. But I fucking, I'm loving getting into football tourism. It's the best.
Starting point is 00:57:04 It's class, isn't it? Aye. Like actually getting out and about and like do it because I stayed over in Paris when I was loving getting into football tourism. Ah, it's class, isn't it? I like actually getting out and about and like do it because I stayed over in Paris when I was there gigging and went to a PSG game just on my own.
Starting point is 00:57:11 Ah, that's good fun. I've been out to the Burnabout to watch a Champions League game and stuff. I've actually done a, I've done a stadium tour of the San Siro,
Starting point is 00:57:18 but I've never seen a game there. There wasn't any on when I was there, but I just fucking, I've dipped my toe in it and now I want that, that's what i want my life to be it's class man because uh i don't know it's there's a lot of people that listen to this podcast that aren't into football and i just want to try and explain to them why
Starting point is 00:57:33 football's so good it's because you hand over something that affects your emotions massively to something that's completely out of your control something that's so out of your control. Something that's so out of your control. And it's like, the more you get into it, the more amplified them emotions are. Yeah. But what it means is you can get the joy of an emotion that you can't get from another thing in life. Nah. You know when Newcastle fucking score in a semifinal or whatever, right?
Starting point is 00:58:02 And I go nuts. I jump off my seat. Fucking the emotion hits and I'm riding that emotion before I've had a chance to process it I'm fucking flinging my arms around
Starting point is 00:58:09 I'm hugging my mate I'm hugging a stranger next to me that I can't get that from anywhere else you can't replicate that in anything
Starting point is 00:58:16 like the stuff that I love in life yeah I love having sex with my wife afterwards I'm not like you're never you're never hugging
Starting point is 00:58:23 a stranger the fuck are you doing here love getting paid mark yeah you know when fucking money goes into me bank yeah yeah no it is it is a it's a it's a primal release of just fucking euphoria yeah yeah you hand it over to something that you've got no control over at all and for me this this what's happening with newcastle at the minute right it's took 14 years of having a shit time and it's been so worth the investment for how good a time i'm having right now it does make it a lot better like there is something to be said about if you have sat through utter shite for decades to then have that yeah like it's, it's like, it's why,
Starting point is 00:59:06 like, I don't think there's as much passion. There certainly won't be, there's no passion. If you've recently, since they've become massive, started following Man City, you're not going to be excited about them. We've got mates who've,
Starting point is 00:59:21 Daniel, supported Chelsea from the Abramovich era. And then just, and now he's just given up because he hasn't been through the connection with the club and then Cullen supports Arsenal because of
Starting point is 00:59:33 Thierry Henry so he jumped on when they won the league now winning the league is just something that you just expect I've never watched my club or country win anything in football. Not a thing. I see.
Starting point is 00:59:49 I didn't jump on when they'd won something and think that was going to be the thing. I'm just living in this constant chasing of this dragon that I haven't... Chasing the dragon suggests you've already had it. Chasing the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow in my entire life has been on this fucking quest to to have that emotion like if if that emotion ever comes from i'd take club over country any this is where me and you differ i would take club over country my identity my civic pride is much more attached to newcastle than it is to england um when I get that feeling,
Starting point is 01:00:27 it's going to be something that you just kind of get from anywhere else. And there'll be people who just didn't tune into football and didn't care about football and didn't make that investment. That just won't get to have that feeling. And it's a bit sad. It's a little bit sad in a way
Starting point is 01:00:41 when people are dismissive of it because I'm like, oh, there's actually something out there in the world that i hate people that hate football yeah oh yeah i you know what people are so snidey about whenever a tournament comes on and they'll say shit like oh is that they could always they'll always make up a kick kicky ball or something anybody that's like 11 borderline rapists chasing around a pigskin or whatever.
Starting point is 01:01:08 What? 11 borderline rapists? Anyway. You've added them all. It's just made it so much better. Do you want to see them chasing you, mate?
Starting point is 01:01:24 Oh, the beautiful game. It brings out the worst in me as well. It's fucking class. Because it's so funny how... You have to go now, don't you? Aye, aye. Right, aye. It's so class how, like,
Starting point is 01:01:33 if England remotely booed the national anthem of any other country, you'd say, like, the fucking disrespectful fucking wank stain on me. Just shameless nation. Just horrible scum. stain on me just shameless nation just horrible scum and then fucking you guys booing a 19 year
Starting point is 01:01:50 old fucking 50,000 a year plus just booing teenagers they booing the national anthem but when you do it scum but you know what though I weirdly
Starting point is 01:02:06 find it more acceptable from Scottish fans and English fans and I am an England fan right but you know when England fans are all over Trafalgar Square
Starting point is 01:02:15 setting fireworks out out up their arse right you're like oh wankers making me look like tits when I see Scottish fans
Starting point is 01:02:21 taking over Trafalgar Square I'm like they look fun yeah yeah it's gracious it's gracious you see it with Eric Grace when I see Scottish fans take love at Trafalgar Square I'm like they look fun yeah yeah it's gracious it's gracious you stay with an air of grace
Starting point is 01:02:29 even like booing our national anthem you stay with an air of grace that we just don't have when we boo national anthems when there's a when there's a
Starting point is 01:02:37 slagging off teenagers who are running around trying to make a career for themselves you stay with an air of grace in Scotland oh class right mate thanks for coming
Starting point is 01:02:49 on the pod the perfect playlist podcast he does with I don't do that anymore oh sorry don't come back at some point
Starting point is 01:02:56 absolute cuts I actually meant absolute cuts yeah absolute cuts and you'll hear Ryan Cullen's version of the
Starting point is 01:03:05 Christmas sausage story around our Christmas time so invest now invest now it's like football invest now
Starting point is 01:03:12 and it'll pay off it'll pay off in the future it's gonna be it's gonna be there's gonna be a lot of months of hurt
Starting point is 01:03:20 in the build up cheers Mark you're a legend

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