Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 4.49: Belta Skelta

Episode Date: September 27, 2023

If you're here to hear Daniel talk about Dispatches / RB then you're in the wrong place. He doesn't talk about it in this episode, and probably won't in the near future. BUT. If you're here for your usual dose of Muggins and Cream being silly boys, crossing the line like they don't see it's there, talking away days in Milan and gay weddings. They also enjoy Australia's open laws on naming babies.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

If you are here for any talk, gossip or news about the Russell Brand documentary, any reaction to it from us, you're not going to get it. I'm not referencing it. I've said my piece. I think it's time that we listen to the women. And I will talk about it at some point way down the line, but not for a while. I don't have to and I'm not going to. So if you're a new listener or a journalist who stupidly paid for this fucking episode, even though in the description we told you nothing was happening, then ha ha ha.

Thanks for the money. In other news, I've just been to Milan. Aye. Yeah, that was fun yeah I watched a thrilling nil nil draw I didn't

I was going to tune in to the match because I now that I'm a now that I'm sort of a free spirit in football like I'm like I can

I want Newcastle to do well I've got you know you're my best friend I've got so many good friends in Newcastle genuinely love it supportive as you know, you're my best friend. I've got so many good friends in Newcastle.

Generally love it. Supportive. As, you know, as a Chelsea slash ex-fucking-Chelsea fan, I've got nothing against blood money. I think it's sound. I think it's all good.

The voice of reason, Daniel Sloss, with his ethical compass. You know me. You know me. Absolutely fine with it. It was journalists who the killed. They beheaded journalists.

No, I just mean, look, I've turned a blind eye to blood money before. I can do it again. Oh, yeah. I can do it again for my friend's joy. And it was joyful. Like, it's so good. Just having a little bit of the tune, a little bit of the big market

and the culture in the city of Milan. It's so good. Just like, just having a little bit of the tune, a little bit of the big market and the culture and city of Milan. It was so good because we got... Didn't one of your boys get stabbed? Yes, I was speaking to it because the Milan fans are class, by the way. Like, I really... How they sound? They're just like, they know how to attack people.

They're so... You've got to respect that. Look, they didn't kill the guy they just gave him a really cool scar and at the end of the day that's what you want from a football hooligan

right you don't want him to be a murderer you want him to be a come on give us a story yeah I've got a story

for my grandkids next to us in the hospital nobody wants to be eaten by a shark but I think it's got I would be confident to say over 50% of men would love to survive a shark attack.

If you told me I could get attacked by a shark, right? And a lot like the bull run, my life wouldn't change. Yeah. Right? Like, because if you said to me, you can get attacked by a shark and live but you're gonna you're not gonna be able to walk properly again aye

done some spinal damage yeah you've lost a leg aye or even a hand aye I've not been attacked by a shark

right hand as a left hander eh I think you've you've gone PlayStation man PlayStation man I still wanna play

no man technology's at a good we're going into VR man you've only got man PlayStation man I still want to play no man technology's a good we're going into VR man you've only got five years of PlayStation my only last I've still got two tits I still want two hands

that's all I'm saying my second let me shove us in the water aye this is what you're tuned in for aye this is what you're tuned in for it's what you're tuned in for aye that's what you're tuned in for

that's what you're getting yeah I mean I think the very important thing is again just from a moral standpoint we should be gaining no followers right now

I know no no I don't want to gain any followers I just want to I think we should I like the ones we've got the no the no when we're joking

the no when we're going too far on purpose. So if the deal was, you're going to bleed. You're going to get stitches. There's going to be a touch and go fucking trip to the hospital. But the foregone conclusion is when you get ejected from the hospital, you're going to have a fucking tasty scar that you've got to look after for the next few weeks.

Somebody was on the beach filming it on a phone, and they kept it all in. They got the whole thing. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you got me walking out the water, I swear to God, even going through the trauma of bleeding out, I'd eyeball the camera and crack my knuckles.

And no, fine, well, the only thing on my mind when I saw the camera wrth fynd trwy'r trawm, rwyf yn blidio allan ac yn gwneud y camera i'w gwrthdaro a chyflawnio fy ngwglau. Ac rwy'n gwybod yn iawn, y peth unig o fy mhen pan oeddwn i'n gweld y camera, roeddwn i'n meddwl, wyt ti'n ddweud bod yn ddweud bod yn ddweud. Fe wnaethoch chi weld y dyn arall. Fe wnaethon i, mae'n llynu ei llyfrau. Dyna ei blwyd, yna. Mae'n blidio. Mae'n blidio, iawn. Dyna ei blwyd, yna. that's his blood in the water that's a scratch that's a scratch for you so 4999 yeah sure for him collapse bone white

rushed in that's what that's just napping I had a nap on the beach after we fight that always is nap after a fight

because I always get slept it's not what I meant it's not what I meant it's not what I meant so the stabbing I don't want to make light of it

it's nasty business how was your mastectomy joke four minutes ago I'm having a nightmare don't I I'm having a nightmare my profile isn't compromised by by anything that I have to say.

Because I don't have one. The stabbing was like a mugging. It was like balaclava men. It wasn't football related. It wasn't like chanting in everyone's directions and it got a little bit fighty. It was like fucking back alley chase kind of thing. This is like from what I've heard,

from what I've read. So it was people taking advantage of a tourist as opposed to hooliganism. Yeah. So, oh man, like my hotel was next to San Siro and I went and got showered and changed like after the party and before the game. And I'm walking through and it's literally...

Does San Siro mean anything? I mean obviously it does but It's a name that they agreed upon as like a neutral name because it's actual name is named after a player or a personality

that was connected to Inter Okay So it was just it leaned so if you look up the name of the stadium like I think San Siro is the nickname

and I don't fully I don't remember what the actual name of it is so like if you San Siro is the nickname and I don't fully I don't remember what the actual name of it is so like if you were looking at where the game was played it wouldn't have

San Siro that's the nickname for it I don't know what it means but I just know that it's just like it's just meat

in the middle so I was walking down from the hotel and it's just like all red and black just all the AC Milan fans and I did start

to get my shoulders up a little bit like I'm walking along with my wife and I'm like oh should I really be putting her in this kind of danger

is this like a mistake and everyone was so sound people were coming up asking for photos she had number 8 on her back just asking for photos because we're

opposite fans, rival fans. And they're at the game. They're just like, oh, sweet, a Newcastle fan. Can we get a photo? Did you?

Get a selfie? Take, yeah. Oh, yeah, right. I've got it. I've got it behind me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Not in our,

not in our, all the Italians in this way, but I find that really weird. Like, I could not imagine going to a fucking Hebs game and being like

oh there's there's Rangers we'll just get some folks for the Rangers you know what that might not happen if they

were playing Inter or Juve but like in national matches they've probably played the likes of Man United

and fucking Liverpool over the years right and now the Titans Newcastle and they're like

oh I've got some new guys in my house we have been to the house but we're playing in there so it might have just been like a little bit of a novelty

that like we've never played this team do you think it's fair to say you're they're like obsession with collecting photos of other football fans and you're obsession

with like not obsession it's the wrong word but you know what I mean your desire to go to as many football stadiums as you can and watch games there do you how far away from train spotting is that like

well like going to stadiums yeah collect that I don't know because we look we'll all make fun of the people that like there's people to a train spotter it's the same thing I but to a football fan you're like no but I've got this that I've got my little booklet of all my players got got need need but I'm not like those losers who stare at trains

actually I think you'll find last season he got 37 assists so it was actually a record for somebody as a left back I think you'll find and then the train

comes into the station they're like yarrr fucking strangers I'm just saying it's all a bit autistic yes so

I walked through Natalie's got number 8 on her back because we got married on the 8th of September oh okay and I bought it

as an anniversary present that is the that is the most working class man thing I've heard you do in a while look Daniel

you bought your wife a fucking football shirt anniversary it was our paper wedding anniversary and at the time Newcastle had a paper thin defense man I know we're only cutting out mentions of the documentary but I would also

on the record I would like that to be cut out I'm giving you card blanch on cutting stuff so anyway back that guy being stabbed what a link this is one of my fellow supporters this is bad form hey it's bad form right he made me one of the bad ones. He might have been one of the ones that, you know. So what I was saying is the fans were class. And when we come out of the stadium, some of the fans had stayed back to the bit where all the police are,

the ride police and everything, keeping everybody separate, like in holding areas. And we got kept back in the stadium for like maybe 45 minutes. And then we're right up at the top so you come doing these like spiral like a helter skelter

kind of like a boring helter skelter because it wasn't stairs but a spiral what do you say if it's not a spiral staircase I know this is super boring

but like if it's just a spiral ramp I come down the ramp right and there was a non-belter skelter I like that thank you

you're welcome thanks man you took me out of a ditch there thanks dude fucking hell I was being real born

super duper born the chair went out of the stadium aye and then they were just

so friendly they must have known we were thirsty or we hadn't drunk for a while because they kept throwing bottles at us

ah yeah glass bottles it was like they had Fanta Lemon so the chair went and then

I went look I'm not saying they weren't nice sorry continue your story no no but the point I'm getting to is that afterwards went to a restaurant

that was only AC Milan fans because we stayed by the San Siro. All the other Toon fans went to the Metro and got the fuck out of Dodge, right? And I dined with them afterwards. And lovely conversations. We're still in my Toon tops.

People at the window chanting Sandro Tonali songs. That's where I was getting out with the number eight on Natalie's back. Sandro Tonali was their number eight. And now he's our number eight. And they saw his number and started chanting to nali because the love them they got him for like super cheap he was done amazing and he didn't want to leave but they were gonna make 50 million pound profit off him so it was a smart business move for the owners to sell them they didn't want to leave he didn't want to leave but they made a bit of money they got to spend it and they still love him when

he got when he got subbed off the whole stadium applauded all the way around about that so they're singing like sandro tanali songs and everything and um i am just fearful that sky news have took the story of the stabbing and that's what popped up on my phone that's what made people text me to see if i was all right that's what made people text me to see if I was alright that's what like people have commented on me state it's just gone oh it's nice to see some nice Milan fans

because from what I've heard they're a bit nasty I hope when the Milan fans come to Newcastle for the return leg we're not pure dicks because we've been lied to about

what Milan fans are like because of a mugging that was probably nothing to do with football who knows who the support had they might not have even been from Italy I'm not saying it was Albanians but they're saying it was Albanians

they're pretty racist towards Albanians they said to me it was like I know you guys get like immigration stuff but you guys get like Indians and Asians we get Albanians and he said it like he said it like

come on man you've got to understand man I would love people that came here bringing new foods new flavours new types of music fuck you

you know these fucking Albanians all great new ways to whinge in a way like that they were like they were like jealous of what immigrants Fuck you. You know, these fucking Albanians all create new ways to whinge. They were like that. They were like, they were like jealous of what immigrants. Oh,

did you know there was a 70 I've been there two days. If anyone's not listening to this and watching, I'm gesticulating

the fuck while I'm talking. Indians brought over 50 new types of tea. The fucking, these cunts, they're bringing over 17 types of cabbage cabbage,

understand? They're boiling them the same way. Yes, we know you put salt in this one, it's different. Yeah, Jesus. So yeah, I just really hope, because

the 4,000 of us that were there know that the Milan fans were clapped. 3,999. I hate this I'm just I hate that All our Newcastle fans will be listening to this And hear that it's sheer disrespect

It's not disrespect I'm too close to this incident Your boy got got This is like if I was to be making jokes about like Keane or something This is like one of my people Is he okay? Yes making jokes about, like, Keane or something. Like, this is, like, one of my people. Aye.

Is he okay? Yeah, yes. Well, I mean, then he just got bitten by a shark, baby. Aye. He got stabbed in a match in a European away game. He's got the scar. He's never been more of a journey. Man, I reckon... This is the most journey journey there is now.

I would get... I would assume for at least the first three months of this he's never paying for a pint again nah is he fuck nah he's been bitten

by a shark he's been bitten by a shark baby congrats man the dude lottery man that's the man that's the that's like walking

past that car that's on fire and the baby is just so reachable that's it that's what you want that car that's on fire and the baby is just so reachable that's it that's what you want yeah he ran into the fire dead

dead easy can I read you my favourite news story I've ever read about in my entire life and I don't

I don't it's so funny that I think the news is lying to me no point taken the news is lying to me. No. Point taken. A journalist in Australia decided to put the country's rules

on baby names to the test by conducting an experiment with her newborn child, only to discover that the laws were not as strict as she'd hoped. And now our child is called methamphetamine. Methamphetamine rules. Rules.

As in it's great? As in it's class. As in her alternative was Nang's rule, and Nang's is Aussie for nitrous oxide canisters. Oh, right, okay. But she was like... That does make it sound cool. Yeah.

I said that N that Nas is probably cooler yeah but no no no but she's like Nangs is like it's what's the word

I'm fucking looking for here it's a nickname right it's a fucking street name so it could go through a government official who only does cocaine not knowing what a Nang is

that can get through methamphetamine it's like you know like no matter where you are you know it's a drug but it got through of course it got fucking through there are so many It's like, you know, like no matter where you are, you know it's a drug. It got through.

Of course it got fucking through. There are so many wonderful, wonderful quotes of this. However, the spokesperson said, okay, a spokesperson for the registry said the unusual name had unfortunately slipped through. They said they had strengthened their process in response to this highly unusual event and would be working with the family to change the name. However, the spokesperson said that doesn't mean the original name goes away. Quote, a name registered at birth remains on the register forever,

even if the name is formally changed. So... They've abused their own child by accident. They've accidentally abused their own child. Even if they call their... Even if they rename him Stuart, right? They've abused our child by accident They've accidentally abused our child Even if they call her Even if they rename him Stuart It's Stuart the artist

Or the baby formerly known as Methamphetamine Rose We chose Methamphetamine Rose Thinking there's no way That anyone will see that word And think it's okay Said Drysdale Who added her husband

Had taken some convincing To agree with the experiment but we were wrong we you just said it took him some convincing

so the it was the female journalist that named the child that convinced the husband because I feel

like that would be way worse the other way around if like the bloke that was like the

woman's just give birth and he's like I've love no no it's an experiment it'll never go through sweetheart

I've got this belter idea it's not a bit it's not a bit per se you're going to think it's a bit but it's not a bit per se it's more a

social experiment can we call him tits or class so there's no way they're going to let it through baby there's no way they're going to let it through baby there's no way they're going to let it through you're mad you're mad to think they're going to let it through baby I have awesome news it got through

tits or class is really healthy she says she was under the impression that if a name was rejected by the registry they chose one for you. Interesting. She'd contacted the registry for answers to her show's segment on what names can legally be given

to a baby in Australia. The spokesperson said it does not choose what name parents give a child. So it rules as second name? Yeah. Rules as middle name. That's the worst part of it. Do you want to play a board game, Meth?

Uh-huh Rules is my middle name He went from He went from Keen to cool No, no His name's Meth His name is Meth And Fetamine! His name's Meth. His name is Methamphetamine Rose. His nickname's Meth.

And also, even having the nickname Meth isn't cool. Here's the important thing. Dry still declined to reveal her baby's new name, but said, my husband said maybe his nickname should be Speedy, but I'm sure he will develop his own nickname that's appropriate to his real name and his personality. He's a very chilled child,

a beautiful baby boy, so not anything like a meth user. I mean, he keeps jolting for milk. Man, I tell you what, he wants milk so much, he'd suck your tits for some milk. That's how much he wants it man He'd genuinely go cold turkey

If you stopped him Suck some tits man So that is going to be One of them things Where like The name The person becomes the name I talked about this on the podcast before.

I don't know if it was with another guest or with you. Somebody was talking to that guest, Daniel, about the same stuff. I use the same moves I use on you. Was Mark Nelson better than me? It was about Tom Hanks' kids. Did we talk about that? He's got two kids called Colin and Chet

Oh Chanks Chet Hanks Chanks Well because he's Tom Hanks' thanks Oh yeah So both of his kids are chanks Chanks

Chank one and chank two It sounds so derogatory It really does Look I think it's because It's one vowel off Yeah it's one vowel off a slur I think it's because It's a mixture One vowel off Yeah it's one vowel off A slur And also

It's like stank Is also in there So it's like It's got the Ankh Yeah yeah It's got a bit of cunt Like the

It's a soft start But a hard end C So A Chank Have you Just before we go any further

Have you ever fucking Met an Albanian chank Have I ever an Albanian chank? Have I ever? An Albanian chank. Charlie Hank. No, no. Charlie Hank, so you're using it as a derogatory term for Albanians? Aye, which we'd already been derogatory to.

It's what we call in the industry a callback. We're not dropping that bit. Fuck, you can't put callbacks in. That means I have to leave the bit in oh yeah fuck so Chet is like

tattooed up backwards hat Colin is like shirt and tie carries a briefcase forward facing hat forward facing hat yeah

and there's a name for it as well and last time I mentioned this on the podcast someone got in touch and told us what the name for it was but it's the name for what there's a name for it as well. And last time I mentioned this on the podcast, someone got in touch and told us what the name for it was. But it's... The name for what? There's a name for, like, living up to your name.

Oh, okay. And, like, people screamed it at the podcast last time. I've done this. We're taking them on a real journey of Dave plus one. Why don't you just Google it now? We'll cut out the gap. It's denominative something pre-denominative. Nominative determinism nominative determinism

is the hypothesis that people tend to gravitate towards area of work that fit their names so meth amphetamine rules yeah yeah either way it could be a good word for the daa because it could be rules to do with methamphetamines so So it could be, you know, maybe he'd be like a fucking narc. Oh, mate, just kill it now. Kill it.

False trimester. Abort it. Still use a coat hanger even though you can reach it. Right. I really don't. The minute you become a cop, you're done.

Can't go with your pronouns. You know, I don't think you're doing wonders for us in terms of the dude we're going for oh mate

I'm eh I think I'm at that age now I'd struggle to change I'd struggle to change I'd struggle

to change I'd struggle to change I'd struggle to change I'd struggle to change I'd struggle

to change I'd struggle to change I'd struggle to change I'd struggle to change I'd struggle I'd struggle to change it's harder

do you just think you are the way you are now do you think I think it's at the point where the people the people that are bothered by who you are are really young

and you're going oh well I'm not really for you and if yeah it would be I don't think I'd play a good bluey And you're going, oh, well, I'm not really for you. I don't even come playing with blueys. Fucking hell, man. Yeah, it would be weird. It would be weird if I was trying to get teenagers to like me.

That would be unusual. Yeah. I want you to, like, listen to this on your headphones when your parents aren't there that's how I I used to like listen to Eminem just hoping my mum and dad wouldn't

listen to it but I was like still old enough to listen to it I would have been like 16, 17 your parents would have stopped you at that age

from listening to Eminem nah I just came to decorum yeah okay yeah just manners you don't like even though even though I think you know I'm allowed to swear whenever I just came in decorum. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Just manners.

You don't, like, even though I think, you know, I'm allowed to swear whenever the fuck I like. If I'm on a bus filled with old ladies, I will choose in that moment to swear less. Yeah. Just because that's, you know, the right thing to do. Like, even, like, now, if Natalie's parents got in the car, I wouldn't put DMX on. No?

Blood on my hands And there's no remorse I got to blow it out of my dick Because I fucked a corpse I'll stop Why I just I'll stop before the end

But I'll not stop after I fucked a corpse These are my standards People are researching this Look I was quoting an artist Oh don't call him an artist Do you respect him you're gonna be

you can't respect him actually buddy not this episode just not this episode we can still talk about yeah I'm trying to remember

what I was saying before I started rapping about having sex with corpses and that's gone right then, let's get another whiskey just to drown out the problems that we're causing for ourselves in the future

here upstairs I resent the comment the problems we're creating for ourselves, the problems you're creating for both of us this is like when I do episodes with Callan and he takes it way too offensive

way too soon he goes from not a holocaust so quickly and then he gaslights wrong choice of words dude not on that come on man I can't even have whiskey on this podcast

because I'm drunk that makes you look like a really good person the fact that your wife was very conscious straight away being like you can't even the thought of you driving while drunk she was like that's not happening and that's only because she's upstairs stupid

she's like I've had a drink if's only because she's upstairs stupid she's like I've had a drink if you have a drink I'll not be able to do you do that when you go through airports as a couple is one of you allowed

to drink and the other one you know what today we didn't have time in the exchange airport we went through Zurich and just had to

fucking sprint through it done that shitty thing where they land and they go you're like fuck we're boarding now but if I run

I'll be able to get to the passport control hopefully get through and get on just in time and then they go okay we've got a spot

but the stairs haven't arrived yet we've got in touch with them and look we're over that we need stairs and I'm like

oh yeah man we can just claim off man I've seen all I can see around me is safety briefings that show me that there's a button that if I open this door

there's a slide like like what are you why are we waiting for stairs there's a funner method available instantly

but built a skill that's already taken so we're gonna have to just call this man I think that should absolutely be the fucking rose of the land

there's no stairs today like alright then it's an emergency exit, this is a new problem, go fucking fix it, how dare you keep me back Natalie was howling at me because I ran off to get a place in the queue for the passport control, I ran off sprinting, following the guy in front

until he gets a stitch and then I'm the front runner I'm like D the front runner I do do do do do D36 D36 I get there the fucking gate is gone

what is this I'm sorry what is the D36 D36 that's the that's the gate I'm running for understood

D36 and I get to B36 because I haven't been glancing up looking at letters Daniel I've been glancing up looking at letters Daniel I've been glancing up looking at numbers

yeah I'm a numbers guy I fucking get it again I'm like I admit the wrong bit and I fucking run past run past the guy

with the stitch and be like wrong one buddy run back and here Natalie who's beat me to the queue even though

she wasn't really running because I was running to hold the place in the queue and she's holding the place for me in the queue and we get there and then we finally get to the front of the gate

not the gate because to get to the D gate you have to do your passport thing and which actually not going to complain remarkably fast

for once goes Zurich get with through Natalie goes through before me and I went just go for it go

D36 and I'm sprinting to catch up with Natalie once I get through D39 get closed I'm not an upside down

I'm an upside down what am I saying I looked at the number and saw the 9 as a 6 it was upside down it was an upside down, I'm an upside down number. What am I saying? I looked at the number and saw the nine as a six. It was upside down. It was an upside down six. It was a nine. See, this is what I'm saying. This is why it's absolutely fine to lose a hand at your age.

Right, and I ran back. I ran back and Natalie's shouting on us. Actually, I didn't get as far as gear 39. I was following the wrong number. And then Natalie shows up and she went, you like one of them cars that you like wheel back? You wheel the car back and let it go. And I just thought,

there's no reason, I just don't steer. And then, and then I overshot my seat. I was walking down the flight. And then I overshot my seat. Oh, my fucking God, man. I don't know what on the flight. Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to come over the intercom. This is your captain speaking.

Just so you know, we've accidentally landed in Glasgow. I have no idea why. I just let this guy. He says he knew how to fly a plane. He said he was in the air cadets when he was in his teens. He says he can fucking land us in Edinburgh. He's an air cadet. I've let him fly. I've let him fly with an air cadet. he knew how to fly a plane he said he was in the Air Cadets when he was in his teens he says he can fucking land he's in Edinburgh he's in Air Cadets I've let him

I've let him fly with an Air Cadets aye he used to do marching drills but was he not with the end goal though I didn't

I mean I didn't reach the end goal no but if you'd stuck if you'd stuck in the Air Cadets long enough

would you you would have been allowed to fly a plane right I tried again at the RAF you do know this right if you'd stuck in air condensers long enough you would have been allowed to fly a plane right I tried to get into the RAF you do know this right no do you not know about me

at the age of 16 I tried to get into the RAF right and they were like okay take the boxes of what you'd like to do and all that

and it's like weapons load master papers there and you're marking the walls mate whatever the system was right I went in had this little interview Weapons loadmaster. Papers there and you're marking the walls. Mate, whatever the system was, right? I went in, had this little interview, and they went, right,

so you've got to go ahead and get an eye test and bring your results for your eye test in. The only job that was ticked on the list of jobs I could do was chef. And they clearly hadn't let you cook for them so I don't know I didn't get in I didn't get in the RAFs my dad didn't get into the RAF because he was too tall shut up man

was he trying to be a pilot? yeah okay that makes sense because he would have been ideal For like Weapons Lord Master He wouldn't have even needed To make ladders or anything Just

I'm sure they didn't put ladders Up against an aeroplane They'd probably use One of them cherry pickers I think No I think A little fucking ladder up to If we're talking World War 2 here

Well to my dad Let me tell you Let me tell you Let me tell you About my fucking weekend Right So we went to Stornoway Oh yeah, you went to Harris? Aye, so Harris is on Stornoway

This is how little I know about anything in Scotland So Stornoway is an island Stornoway is an island And the south of it is called Harris And the north of it is called Stornoway Like Dominican Republic in Haiti That's entirely fucking incorrect Stornoway's an island Stornoway's an island and the south of it's called Harris and the north of it's called Stornoway I think like Stornoway sorry sorry like Dominican Republic and Haiti

that's entirely fucking incorrect it's called the Isle of some shit whatever and Stornoway is a town that's there and Harris is there ah like Hobart and

Lawrence yeah sure maybe maybe maybe maybe like Dublin and Cork so

me and Gareth Waugh go for a game of golf on the Saturday class really good fucking weather no sorry on the Friday

and then on the Saturday we decided to go to the beach because we thought it would be good

to have a stress free day because nothing remarkable was going to happen Gareth's partner Laura goes I thought it would be good to have a stress-free day because nothing remarkable was going to happen. Gareth's partner, Laura, goes, I'm going to go in the sea. Is anyone else going to come in the sea?

You know me, I love the sea and I love a cold dunk, right? I love cold water. I think it's fucking class. Not while I'm in there, but like I've done it enough that I know the benefits of it for me at least afterwards. I love

it so she said you want to come in I'm like 100% I'll come in with you absolutely so I turned to my wife Cara and from one of the best bits of advice you'd ever you've ever given me as a husband is take your ring off before you go in the sea I never know yeah we got a meeting there man man mermaids he can't have a Laura I remember the day you sat me down and you were like look even if there's only 0.01% chance

mermaids are real right they can't think you're married that would be ludicrous no I'm not I'm not saying you do cheat on them

with a mermaid I'm just saying it's good to know if the option's there for the rest of us come back and let us know. Should we all be swimming? Leading on mermaids.

So just because obviously if it falls off, it's wet in there, it's more likely to come off. And if it does, it's gone. Oh, yeah. If it comes off on the pool, like, yeah, looking for it. If it comes off in the sea, you've lost it. Aye. So I turn to my wife.

I go, can you take this so you don't lose it? She's like absolutely 100% me and Laura go this is the splish splash splish kiss kiss kiss we come back out

and I get my towel sit down I go to my loving for my life I go can I get my wedding ring and she went

shit oh no because it's like gutting but like there's a little I'm like because it's like gutting but like there's a little bit of relief that it's not you man

devastated you've lost it but for you so most important I'm going to be 100% honest here I'm going to be 100% honest you threw it on her

you had headphones in and you went keep an eye on this no no no she took a man. She was like, shit. She was like, I had it on my thumb.

Because she's a tiny person. She's like, I had it on my thumb. And I clearly went to pick Caelan up at some point because he was about to run into the sea. And that's when it's come off. And my first thing was, I was just gutted for her. Because I didn't know how fucking bad I'd feel if I lost her wedding ring. And she's already I

can see it her face she's playing with herself I'm like man we've only been married for fucking five months I'm not that attached to this yeah like she's not dead right doesn't mean anything yet we can get another one yeah it's been like we've had it for five months like it's nice I like it I hope we don't lose it but it's not like oh you know 15 years there's an inscription on the inside you know it was nice that she gave it to me on my wedding day it's not like oh you know 15 years there's an inscription on the inside you know it was nice that she gave it to me on my wedding day it's just a fucking rank you're not sentimental about it no i am saying no i know no not when you've lost it that's not how you're gonna i think i'm the i'm the least sentimental i'll ever be about it so you found it there's a spoiler yeah yeah spoiler

right so i'm just gutted for her that she's lost lost it and so I'm like let me go down first because I'll retrace footsteps I'll look in further and then we'll just take it in shifts one of us take care of it. And you're actually taking stock and I can probably lose quite a few things here without being able to make comment so the next few months I can just bathe man and this is not the episode

for this right but like that's that's that's a blow job right ah man like that just in the in this like for me if i lost her ring i would feel so guilty i would be like what can i do to make this up to her what's her i would buy her flowers i would make her a meal i would i would do like a couple's massage for us I would immediately try and get the ring made exactly the same

have it replaced I would get her like a I would try to make it up to her You do the things that spoil her I would try to make it up to her with the things I know she loves Right So if we reverse that

I'm a simpler creature I know I'll make stuff make a stuff thinking about this yeah man when I'm looking for this I'm just like oh oh yeah

it's not there it's not there it's not there no so I was genuinely looking for it looking around but man needle in a fucking haystack

right the sun it's a gorgeous day and it's storn away the tide's in it's a gorgeous day in Stornoway the tide's in it's all fucking wet bubbles are everywhere do you know how much

the shimmer on a bubble looks like a fucking ring in the sand every glimmer is just like there it is I'm looking I'm trying my best

and then I'm eventually like you know what let's swap a shift here and fucking this eagle hawked rat within three fucking minutes just because there's it there it is just right straight was it cara cara got it straight away nice found it i fully me i thought of having to give you a blowjob so i told her this whole thing she was like I will count every grain

of sand on this beach so I said I'm like I'm like oh man I'm like don't get me wrong

I'm really I'm really glad we found it like I am in fact I'm happier than I thought I'm more relieved

like maybe maybe this does mean more to me already than I thought it did but eh I was

I was I was expecting to get Lisa Plojo about this. She was like, why do you think I look so hard? She was like, I was phoning up. Why do you think I look so hard? I'm glad you phoned up then. That's good because that is shade.

I've jinxed this a million times because I'm like, I lose stuff. That's my thing. That's what I do. Yep. I keep mentioning like fucking, I'm glad I haven't lost this. Yeah.

Everything else is kind of replaceable. I've told you about the friend that we have who after they got married, they got four of the same wedding ring made. Mended. She's got them. Now, in their defense, what I will say, and I trust my friend on this,

they are not unfaithful to their partner, but they do like being flirted with. They get more drinks bought for them. They get more drinks bought for them. So sometimes they take off their wedding and I trust them, I trust them in that and whenever I've been out with them that is what they've done it for, they're in a very healthy

and loving relationship, I trust them they just go out and slip on a different pair of shoes be a different them what was it like being 20 again? I think they're down to two left they've been married a long time but yeah, they're down to two left they've been married a long time but yeah they're down to two

see there's one thing I didn't realise that's really good about gender neutral pronouns is that you can not give too much away when you're talking about a friend everybody knows we're talking about Elliot Steele

unmarried. And always will be. Cara has been very funny the past couple of days. Don't get me wrong, she's a very funny woman in general. It's one of the many reasons why I married her, but she's had me fucking dying. I have, while we've been going out, putting on, like, just to make myself less innocuous, to just, like, I don't want to be spoken to at this point by...

If you're wearing the, like, nose and moustache and glasses. I have been going out in, like, I never wear a baseball cap. When was the last time you saw me in a fucking baseball cap when you got into Formula 1 making vroom noises from the back of the car that is not

for the record that's not true that is a bit none of that okay go to the podcast that's not true that is a bit none of that yeah okay go to the podcast that's got Formula 1 on the title

and see that you're wearing it am I? I think so I don't even think I'd be aware of that I think so I think you are if that's true

that's so funny I don't know what the title of it was but there was a show one where you like really sold Formula 1 well look why don't we all I don't know what the title of it was, but there was one where you really sold for it. Well, look, why don't we all agree, as both presenters and listeners and Matthew,

to not bother finding out what it was? That's true. Nausee journalists. Are you getting to it? You're not going to be scouring all that shit. You lazy bastards. Right. So you've been wearing a hat?

Wearing a hat. Is everybody like, oh my God, there's Daniel you've been wearing a hat wearing a hat is everybody like oh my god there's devil's thoughts in a hat well no because they're e-sports oh my god it's Ethan Hawke I put my fucking hat I put my fucking hood I put my sunglasses I kind of like you know you just look look like you're like it's the dumbest thing you're wearing camouflage you look like you're in disguise yeah you're drawing attention you're wearing you're wearing camouflage you're wearing a ghillie suit

in the shopping mall you fucking idiot stop looking at me yeah yeah and then it just looks like if anybody does spot that it's you it just looks like

just just because you recognise it's from my comedy she goes she goes I understand you know I understand you're slightly stressed at the moment, but I can tell for at least about two minutes of today

you have felt like Captain America in Civil War. And I'm like, oh, fucking way more than two, bitch. What's the reference of Captain America in Civil War? Oh, man, that's the one where he's fully... And, man, it's him... I mean, look, it's fucking it's Chris Evans the most handsome man in the entire world

to wear a fucking baseball cap glasses and a hood up and he's the size of Captain America like the guy that beat Hitler everyone in America

knows who he is and they're like oh well that couldn't possibly it's just really dumb you can't just walk around yeah sore thumb sticking out have you ever wore

bin lid headphones and sunglasses it's one or the other of those things. Yeah. You look like a fucking helicopter pilot. Well, I mean, mine's are quite, I got the smaller beats. Did you? Because, yeah, I'm white.

I can't do the bigger ones. I don't think I'm allowed to. I'd sent me new Bose back. Your what? The Bose ones I complained about Remember when I really complained Oh yeah Nah

Just got a replacement set Of the same one I was just going to Get it off my chest That's them Gaslighting you Oh man I'm so sorry

That these headphones Didn't work Would you like It's their These headphones I got caught. Are you sure you even got to Bose? You just didn't accidentally write your address

in the main thing and write their address in the return to centre and you just posted it back to them? There was a couple of things bugging us and I'm not going to go over them again because it's on a previous podcast, but one of them was the mic was shit. It was just a fucking, like,

I reached out, like, chatting away at Natalie and then she'll be like, no, it sounds like you're miles away. And I was gone. And it also says that you're cheating on me. And I went through this thing, it was like, have you tried turning off your Wi-Fi router? That could be interfering.

It was one of the robotic things of the thing. And I was like, are you joking? Of course I've tried that, yes. Like who's going, oh, I've got a phone call coming. I've got a WhatsApp call,

FaceTime, I'm going to knock off my Wi-Fi router so we make work. Oh, where's my phone call coming? I must have missed it. So I was fucking, just went through the rigmarole and thinking that I might get a refund. And they were like, we'll send you a new one

because the make's broken. And I was like, I'll give it a shot and if the make works, I'll just keep them and the make worked. I did have a dodgy pair. It wasn't just shit. I've always said that about you. I've got a dodgy pair. Eyes, balls. Knees and toes. isn't just shit I've always said that about you I've got to touch your hair aye aye eyes balls

knees and toes knees and toes eyes and balls oh no that's the same ones that's the same bits that's not how the song goes where are you going again

you're a fucking alcoholic aye I didn't knock the camera didn't nah you actually didn't lost a bit of weight I was going off last month's Daniel

I didn't think there was enough room for you through there but you clearly haven't been Na, mae'n wir. Mae'n llwyddo. Roeddwn i'n mynd allan o'r mis diwethaf, Daniel. Doeddwn i ddim yn meddwl bod cymaint o fath i chi drwy hynny. Ond mae'n glir nad ydych wedi bod yn ei wneud ym mis diwethaf. Mae'n bwysig. Mae'n bwysig, ydych chi? Ydych chi'n ôl yn ffocio eto? Nid. Ni wedi'i stopio? Nid, nid.

Nid, nid. Ydych chi'n dal i ffocio? Ie. Gwych. Iawn. Iawn. Iawn. Iawn. Iawn. Iawn. Still off the smokes? Aye. Nice, well done. How long has it been? Oh, fuck. Did you not smoke when you were on Harris? No.

Did Gareth smoke? He did not. How long has he been? So, this is exactly what I... This podcast is such a pile of shit still. It'll get better soon. We're working on it. That's what we're doing.

That's what we're doing. So, I had this conversation with Gareth, because we were out there, and man, we're drinking every night right we're having the time of our lives it's really good our sons are like a very similar age we've been friends with them for fucking

like years like it was just it was really really good we're laughing the whole time we're fucking drinking and we're getting quite drunk and I'm like always expecting because I'm like here comes the test

the second Gareth brings out the fucking vape that's when me drunk is going to have to make a fucking decision and I really hope he makes the right decision because I want to be off

these goddamn fucking vapes this is like my first real test because nobody vaped at my cousin's wedding doesn't come out the first night doesn't come out the second night

I go to Gareth on the third day I'm like are you are you vaping behind my back secret vaping like are you secret vaping

there's a party as well, like, who's secretly wishing. Yeah, yeah. A little party, a party that you're trying to keep quiet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, man, there's the addict in there. There's like, oh, I absolutely want to smoke the fucking nicotine.

I want the nicotine in my system because nicotine is class and I love fucking nicotine. And he's like, no, man, my one broke on the fucking boat over and I've just not had to drink any more. So, I mean, I'll try and quit and quit you know maybe in a couple weeks I'm like but you've you've done the hard bit right

like once you're three days in to know that's the worst three days are over you're going to put yourself through that three days again but I mean for him he was just saying like he can't he can't not do it at gigs and stuff it's more of a fucking I don't know how often when I get back into fucking vaping it's no no a fucking i don't know how often when i get back into fucking a vaping vaping

it's uh no no no no no no no no no let me finish i don't know how much when when i do when i have previously caved and gone back into caving how much of it has been situation based like i because he's like when i go to gigs i want to vape or smoke because i've always been smoked at gigs i haven't had that like i you know i've smoked at some gigs but then other gigs not at all i like i don't think that's when whenever i've gone back to vaping and fucking caved because of that it's mostly because i've drunk it's whenever we go to european countries european countries was a big one for me to breach and i got through that because european countries that one, either sell menthol cigarettes, it's impossible for us to not smoke some menthol cigarettes together.

Also, some of the countries have still just got smoking culture. And smoking indoors. It's cool. When you can smoke indoors, when you can smoke a menthol cigarette indoors, oh, God, yeah. God, they fucking lived in the 60s. That's great.

Doctor's got a cigarette. Yeah, I'll recommend it. Describes your menthol. Yeah. Describes it For your chesty cough Dentist Using your mouth As a fucking ashtray

Being like Man there's no negative effects Duh duh So good That Is the Touring Festival

The Fringe Is a big one Weddings It's like the end level boss Getting through a wedding Without smoking or vaping Aye Holiday

Without smoking or vaping I do so work in class I'm just Smashing I can't boss getting through a wedding without smoking a vapour. Aye. Holiday without smoking a vapour. You're so working class sometimes. I can't imagine going to a wedding and not smoking. Smashing gear and not smoking. So when I was trying to quit, one of the many times I've quit smoking. In fact, one of the most successful ones I've fucking had was, I think it was when you and me lived together. I was about to say where we used to live. That would be,

well, don't make a difference. Anyway, when you and me used to live together, Gareth came over. Doc's the people that bought your house. Yeah, yeah.

What for? When you and me used to live together, I think there was one night where I knew I wanted to give up cigarettes. So I bought a pack of menthol cigarettes. I sat them on the table. And you and me and Gareth did coke. Cause I was like, if I could not do it, cigarettes so I bought a pack of menthol cigarettes I sat them on the table and you made Gareth did coke because I was like

if I cannot do it if I cannot smoke one on coke I cannot smoke while sober like that's the easy

like if I go straight into the hardest fucking thing if I do my like like that sort of thing like if I sprint the hardest at the start of this marathon maybe I'll get

so far ahead that no matter how much i slow down nobody will be able to catch up you think me in an airport maybe if i just run fast enough the gate will come to me left hand on the wall i'll get there eventually like getting out of the hedge he's like airports are just like temple run right i just have to go and jump at the right time and it will direct me and put me in the right fucking way there's been security chasers for ages where was i going i was coming back to the smoking thing to get the getting through it

the the bits that get you this is the right i've got it i remember where i was the so all them events that you connect with smoking like the Fringe Festival the Tour and whatever right the bit that gets you is the little

nicotine hall pass of being passed a spliff with tobacco in it yeah but this you're like oh I'm still smoking weed alright

oh little naughty one and then you get nicotine like that's that's also gotta go you've also gotta call out

that guy you can't be doing that that was me I think I don't know whether that's what got me

addicted to fucking weed but like it was what had me in denial either way whether I was

not a smoker or was a stoner but it was like when I used to do joints every fucking day like and sorry

for jokes I know Americans disagree on the term I in Scotland I have always referred to a joint as a joint of tobacco and I'm very aware that since you've got weed culture you absolutely get to tell me I'm wrong there but you can understand where I'm coming from from a foreign weird country where I'm like joint just makes more sense. So when I smoked... And I say blunt if it's all just green. Just green.

But when Americans say blunt, it means cigar papers, doesn't it? I think so. They're just so much better at it across the board. I don't... Do they even have a name for the tobacco mix or do they just not do that? I mean, they probably...

I mean, America's so fucking big, they've probably got different names for it everywhere. I've never had a tobacco mix joined, passed to us by a North American.

Oh, I, it's fucking, I never passed you a fucking, no, I guess you never did. I think they're always

just like, straight green. No, I feel like Arnie's a bit more of a sensible fucking smoker well not sensible sensible smoker

MDMA and spikes people he fucking left me an answer phone from a bunk on a golf course at two in the morning because he he got the dosage

of what I said wrong oh man he was like hey man where are you guys I'm zoinked that was a very funny night oh I'll never

ever forgive him even though I've definitely forgiven him just that hey man do you want to do some acid my audience gave me some no thanks man

I don't really like acid the only time me and Kai have done acid we were spiked with acid so it doesn't really have great like memories for us and he was like I totally get where you're coming from but like I took my acid about 30 minutes ago acid we were spiked with acid so it doesn't really have great like memories for us and he was like i

totally get where you're coming from but like i took my acid about 30 minutes ago it's really nice it's a low dosage and it's just lovely and i'm like oh no no and i went no thank you and then he said something homophobic no no he just said something homophobic he just said something homophobic and i was like i'd fucking give me it then we took it you me and elliot steel took it actually still not actually still then fucking 20 minutes later ari shafir comes up to us and goes oh no it gets so much stronger. This is nowhere. Where you are,

is nowhere near as bad as it gets. I'm like, oh, man. It's so funny. Because I had guests. I had people like Oval from London, like Natalie's friends, went through. And they're having a night out in the Fringe.

It's a big Fringe weekend. They've been looking forward to it. I can't then just go home. But I come into Loughborough like into the lift that takes you up to Loughborough with Natalie and her pals

the lift doors open and you and Elliot just wide eyed like it's no good up there on this it is no good up there and you're just fucked off and I just watched you just go into the wind

and I was like let's see what they mean you do not want to be in an artist bar social situation off and I just watched you just go into the wind and I was like I'd see what they mean you do not want to be in an artist bar social situation thriving bustling bar the girls were classed because they kind of like you know when to put the bags down and make like a bit of just a seated ring around the bags they just treated me like a bag not a bag they weren't licking us not one of them bags they just like put us in with the bags and they just like they just kept us safe

from anybody that's just coming in and small talking you know how's the show going what if I knew you at this yeah I'd need time for that shit

Maxwell was it's so weird that women are better at just inherently protecting each other than men are yeah Maxwell

was really good as well though because he knows exactly what nassan trips like he wasn't on one but he was just like he knew what was going on in my experience and he just showed some level of empathy for what was happening but eventually i needed to go for a piss and i had to move and you needed someone to help you find your coke mate i couldn't find anything couldn't find my zipper couldn't find the fucking wall to put my hand on

to find me waiting at the toilet bumped into Mark Dolan cutting up masks guy before he was cutting up masks guy yeah GB News was when he cut up the masks during the pandemic and everything

before any of that back when he was a comedian I just knew him as the guy from Balls of Steel. I had no beef. I had no beef with that man. And he just comes right up into my face. I played Monkey Island, Secret of Monkey Island on Amiga or whatever platform.

I played on PC. Remember Stan who sold the ships? He sells you the galleon. And he flings his arms around when he's talking Stan Monkey Island

type in gif actually because I reckon there'd be a gif of him throwing his arms around any specific nah if anybody gets that reference there you go

so he was like guy where have you been have you been avoiding me i haven't seen you all fringe and his face man like i was on acid his face was just contorted and moving around and just like his mouth was bigger than his heat and like i'm just watching his face just like mold like claymation as he's like his arms are flaring around. He's like, Kai, where have you been? I haven't seen you in ages. And I wagged my finger in his face and went, nah, mate. And moved on.

I couldn't cope. I said, nah, man. And just fucking moved on from it. Imagine that was his, like, had anyone bought Hitler's art moment. Like, maybe, like, because I was comedians. Kai likes everybody Kai likes everyone Kai just for no reason

shook in my face maybe I'm ostracised maybe I'm god if I'm hated by the most friendly guy in this fucking industry

lean into it Mark lean into it aye lean into it become the guy you bastard you did it the origin story

you turned the origin story you turned the origin story of someone so lame so are we are we done I think so

I think we navigated through that there's a couple of bits where I like I took some bullets from you at the beginning where if anyone was trying to bring

you down get me get me first yeah but I think it's not exactly as if I called you out I know you told a story

I'm not going to tell but let's to the regular listeners and the listeners that will be here in the months to come sorry it's a weird one

I know you want more information I'm not ready we're not censoring myself we're reading the room no no it's not reading the room know you want more information I'm not ready we're not censoring myself we're reading the room no no it's not reading the room

this is a fucking decision I have said my fucking piece I've got more to say but I've said my piece and

I think this is a time for other people to speak and when it's when it's it's not

I don't want the focus to be on me at any point because it shouldn't be at any point aye I when I'm ready to talk about it

I should but just comment all the survivors that came forward are the people that should be being celebrated because

that's the one that took actual fucking courage yes and you're off to Australia now. Thanks for doxing me.

Huh? Doxing Australia? News reporters everywhere just buzzing around Australia. Well, wait a minute. A fucking documentary comes out there soon. Aye. I'm sure they've probably seen it. Are you suggesting that people illegally use VPNs?

He's suggesting that Australia illegally use vpns you're suggesting that australia has the download speed to get a documentary from overseas okay so uh yes you can get yourself packing out australia and i'm i think um i might i might try to we'll see if it's fucking possible i might might try to do a podcast with Gene while I'm out there. Yeah, that would be great. Because I'll be staying with Gene anyway. And we'll be getting drunk and silly most days. So I don't think it'll be a high quality one.

So it definitely would be one that I would put behind a Patreon. And again, we would not be talking about anything to do with Russell Brand. It would just be behind a Patreon wall because it'll be low quality. And that's what they deserve. You're just going to do the Russell Brandt. It would just be behind a Patreon wall because it'll be low quality and that's what they deserve. You're just going to do the audio? Yeah. I'm going to be at Edinburgh Stand on the 1st of October

doing one last outing of Mischief, the show that I've been touring. Because the two are finished. But a slot come up at the stand and I was like, we're going to start writing a new show now, but let's have one last outing of that and put it to bed.

So, 1st of October. It's already selling pretty well, but there's still tickets left, so if you want to come to that, you can. Sweet. Bye. Bye. Fuck off, guys.

Are you going to say something now? No, no, I've said my piece, man. Leave me alone.