Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.1: Rock, Paper, Scissors

Episode Date: October 5, 2022

It's the start of a brand new tour, time to start numbering the podcasts again. Cream is back from New York and joins Muggins in Glasgow where they will commence the first show of the "Can't" tour. They both come with fresh new do's that weren't without incident.

Hello podcast listeners and viewers, thank you very much for tuning in to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. Season 5 technically, I think we've decided now that we're on the road again. Today we are in Glasgow, it's a bit of a reunited episode obviously for the past couple of weeks. Kai's been doing it with Mark and Kerry Marks and I've been having fun out in New York. So we catch up about that and how New York has changed, how we've changed, how we've grown as people, but also still kind of celebrate what pieces of shit we used to be. We talk about our shitty haircuts and just in general, we're back.

So please keep tuning in because, I mean, we're on tour again and this is Sloss and humphries on the road so some of the episodes will be from the studio but when we go to our european places uh they will be you know like we did on the american tour it'll be in different fucking hotel rooms but we're back on the road and we're happy that you're joining us if you enjoy this episode please do subscribe to patreon give us all that sweet sweet fucking cash so we can keep trying to make this better quality because let's be honest you fucking you deserve better quality visually but you know in regards to the banner we have you know what you're fucking paying

for sloss and humphries on the road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thuggin living the dream that's our intro fucking mugglesles ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh woohoo ha ha ha they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack

aww muggles accidental rip job in the park kiss kiss kiss or am I just being cynical just muggled it up on fuckin' mugglopedia

where have you been since 9-11 em technically on the road yes and we're back together for the this is day one of the tour uh huh em we're in Glasgow Have you been since 9-11? Technically on the road. Yes. And we're back together. This is day one of the tour.

Uh-huh. We're in Glasgow, which is why we're at my house for the podcast. Should we start numbering these ones again? Because our numbered episodes were like interim, weren't they, between the tour ending and... Oh, yeah. Is this 5.1? So is this a new season then? I think so, aye.

Well, that's good because for the next one, when we're back in the studio, it's been done up slightly. Me and Matthew were just talking about that. Have you done stuff? We've done stuff. Me and Cullen need to get in there ourselves because we had to move it to get the walls done.

So we need to move stuff back. But I think now it's there we can actually start adding stuff so it might start looking almost as if we've taken any part of this seriously i think we have been getting incrementally better yeah yeah yeah but i mean if i was if i was a patreon listener and i was watching the quality of this podcast given how much money i was putting in i would be like wait how expensive is this stag do i can't expect it can i just let the listeners know as well that it's just got a lot more expensive because of the pound dropping because i reserved the hotel based on a budget and um and i've got to pay for that in US dollars. Yeah. Oh, man. I looked at the difference, the price swing.

The swing in price is about 15%, 14 point something percent. Imagine the economy's so shit that it matches America's. When I was young, I remember... It used to be a half-price superstore. My fucking God, didn't it just? Can you remember looking at the price of trainers when you're in National Drive in of trainers when you're in like International Drive in Florida?

Aye. And you're just like, oh, if only I had 90 quid, $90. This is a 45 pound pair of trainers. Yeah. Oh.

Well, I mean, speaking of, I, I bought, I finally bought myself some sneaks. You've got some sneakers,

haven't you? You've been to New York for three. Aye. Well, I was just there. New York, a very got a lot of sneakers, haven't you? You've been to New York for three... Aye. Well, I was just there. New York, a very matter of fact,

America, a very matter of fact, how they name stuff. It's a full sneak in. Yeah. I like, one of the many things that I love about New York is,

I truly believe it's one of the most diverse places in the world. And I just don't mean, I don't just mean like, religion wise, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, any of those things. It's just, man, whatever you feel you are, right?

If you know yourself, you can dress how you like, act like you fucking like, and somewhere in New York, there is something for you. Man, I was in Starbucks one day just getting a fucking coffee for myself and a tea for Cara. And my mum was with me and there was this, I'm gonna say six foot six black guy with like an Adonis body, like you know.

He had his body out? Yes. Right? Right. But what he was, he was in a pink skirt, right? Not a Celtic pink skirt, it was a legit skirt with like these thigh high black laced leather boots and then

this sort of shawl of just like pink mesh and these big little... Somebody just randomised a wrestler on WWE Somebody got high and played Saints Row 2 and went let's get fucking weird.

But man, he pulled it off. Like, you looked up at him and you couldn't not look at this gorgeous man and everything that he was wearing. And of course it was designed so that he fucking stood out. But my ass was... That would be so weird if his attitude was like, what are you looking at?

Like, you look classy. Can't not look. But to be fair, his attitude might have been that. Because in New York, that sort of look and, you know, expressing yourself through

your appearance is just so common, normal, that I think me and my mum staring probably was rude. But had he noticed or cared, we would have been like, we love it. We've just, like,

New York is the only place as somebody that's travelled the world New York is one of the very few places I can go to and still see five different types of people I didn't know existed every day where you just go

that's oh my that's a different ensemble like if you saw them at the fringe you'd take a flyer yes you'd be like what's your show

what's your show time is this costume oh this is how you live this is just kind of starbucks it wasn't man because we checked because there was one night when uh when i was outside with fans and then just this fucking parade of gays walked by right and all done out there was a couple of drags in there uh there was just a couple of just gay guys in like tight shirt oh me and elliot with a suitcase and they were like what's this and someone's like oh there was a there was a pride

pride thing in new york tonight but this was a week later that we saw this dude so he was just just wearing it he was like it was the walk of shame like a week later he looked like a gayer xerxes oh nice like a Xerxes who already looks incredibly gay yeah and I'm pretty sure he wore

I mean I know there was heaps of women in there but I mean look if you're a if you're marjoring the Greeks and you're running around that time you're

you're banging boys homophobia only came in like the Greeks were all for bumming aye like I mean they were they were a bit peed away with it

they were just like ducks explain yourself ducks just shag everything them and their necrophilia and fucking do they homosexuality Aye Like I mean They were a bit Peeed away with it They were just like ducks Explain yourself Ducks just shag everything Them and their necrophilia And fucking Do they? Homosexuality I'm not putting those

Two in a bracket I give up Well according to this Instagram clip You are Aye ducks are pure rapey Oh no they're rapey Aye but like

Aye they don't discriminate And they've got that Have they got that Corkscrew cock Aye yeah So it goes in And if you try and Not get raped

They're like well I'm pulling your uterus Out like a cork Aye I used to have a bit I'm sure I would Donald Duck Aye

Being like that I mean I mean just look at him He's got no He's got no drugs or something He's fucking banging for it So One of my favourite things about New York And I do have to admit my

Failure here I said I was going to do two months without marijuana Didn't they did they Well so I caved When Ray died Oh aye Yeah you got out She died in the morning And me, Karen and Colin Were gotta like she died in the morning she died in the morning

and we like me Cara and Colin were all just a wreck in the vet's office just like crying saying welcome to our car

in retrospect there were some really funny things that happened one Cara was funny throughout I wasn't expecting her to be like she was making jokes here and there

like I was trying to make jokes being like you're this fucking cat man like you know typical her to make you know all of this inconvenient but it was the vet so i'm crying gala's crying gala's crying and she's like look that's like sometimes when you put the injection into it's got to go deep into the vein they might struggle against it that might be

uncomfortable to watch if you want to leave the room and we're like we're not leaving the room and also ray's not going to care like we've seen her have injection before like she purred when they shaved her once like she just she liked being touched so they put that that that needle in and you can and she's not fucking kicking off and they put the second one in and they're like okay i'll take her wow so we're just there like stroking and i thought she was getting a tattoo. She's just being brave now. Cullen's sitting there, stroking her belly in the vets then. She puts the stethoscope to Ray's chest. She goes, that's her.

And Cullen goes, oh, and how long do you think it'll be? And she's like, no, that's her dead. And Cullen was like, oh. Cullen didn't realise he thought Cullen thought he was like nursing Ray to the other side

yeah but really like he was just petting a corpse just stroking a corpse already starting to decompose now yeah

the earth was already clearing her back and he's just there just gonna miss you girl I just like at the time nothing was well I mean

stuff was funny I was laughing occasionally because you can laugh in grief. But there was one bit where I look back and I'm like, that all was so funny. Him just being like, and how long until she passes? She's dead.

Oh. Oh, God. He was trying to be all solemn. There's soil all over the back of his hand he's trying to pour it out well the only thing that would have made it funnier

is if he'd been like and how long until she goes she's like she's gone he would have been like oh ew

yeah can you catch anything yeah is it contagious do you want to inject me now death is death contagious well I mean, it is.

We're all going to catch it. It's got to be. We're all going to catch the adventure. We are the walking dead. So, I mean, after Ray, I was like, right, I'm getting high today because I don't want to be my own head. And like Cara was like, this doesn't count. That's absolutely fine.

Got fucking baked. Went to, I don't know if we did fucking i think we did anything but i'm like that's fine minor blip we'll get past it like i felt more in control anyway the fact that i didn't do the next day i was like fucking class back to being in control this is all this is all i'm after like i don't want my relationship with marijuana to be over but i have to admit to myself that there are some points when i lose control but the problem is losing control on weed doesn't really look that bad like I'm still super present I'm still like

a good dad I clean I cook I do all these things but it's not good for your mental health. You'd feel really bad turning up to rehab off weed Right Like where people have got their stories and all that and you're like oh yeah I was just sleeping in on that It's like I lost I haven't seen my kids

in four years, even though I've been clean for three, but I understand the stuff that I put my partner through they don't trust me anymore and my kids don't want to see me because the last time they saw me was this it's like, yeah I'm an alcoholic, I actually crashed my car

I took someone's life with it. I served seven years in prison where obviously I didn't drink or thought I wasn't going to drink, but then I ended up drinking because they make like bath vodka and stuff there. You know, the bathtubs in the prison. You get so carried away with a bit like that.

You just start down with Pablo Escobar's prison with a full post of bed nap. No no no Oh no I am Bath of Vodka's Romania That's what I'm thinking of But they do make They make toilet vodka

They make something I mean they probably like Smuggle shit in or something I don't know how Smuggle work out But anyway Your point is It gets around to you

And you're like Aye I started a routine That I'd already done And hit the back of the bed Anyway I told Cara I'd already done and hit the back of the bed. I told Cara I'd be up to bed in 30 minutes, but I ended up playing 90 minutes of FIFA. And they're like, was she mad?

No, no, she was asleep. Didn't know. Just while I've got a bookmark in it, I've been playing a game called Disco Elysium. Have you heard of it? You mentioned it on the last one. Did I mention it on the podcast? Oh no, it's written on the board and then we got onto it. I think me and your bro mentioned it there,

about you should play it, because you've got like, there's like a million different psychological stats, right, that get filled up depending on what character you pick at the beginning. And one of the highest on mine is electrochemistry. So basically, the voices in your head give you ideas of what to do throughout the role-playing game, right?

In the electrochemistry world. So you put hints on? Like, it gives you extra... You were like, super hints. No, it gives you extra options of what to say or what to do in situations. Like, if your perception's high, you'll notice more things. If your logic's high, you'll solve more puzzles. And my electrochemistry's high.

And I had a conversation with someone. D&D-esque. Right? And they were like she's just put that cigarette out and it wasn't finished go and check the ashtray there was no option to go and check the ashtray and I was like oh this is my voices in my head

I've chosen me as a character to play in this game this was supposed to be escapism so get to new york and man the smell of marijuana in new york is pungent now it's fucking everywhere now there's always been like man in major cities especially in america there's always the smell of weeds it's not a bad ambient smell for a city no a lot of cities ambient smells just the fucking traffic and sewage and especially in america like it's hot so if there's any garbage out like it's like la yeah fucking stinks of garbage yeah right and and also la is too spread

apart for the smell of marijuana to mask any of the other smells when it's new york's condense but like i'm like how is it how is it it like, I'm like, how is it? It always smells a bit weird, but how is it so fucking bad? And then I walk into, kind of just like go get some like juice and stuff for the house. So I just walk into like a fucking corner shop, right? Where there's like bread, there's some minor selection of fruit, juice, ice cream, cereals, chocolate bars, crisps.

They've got their like fucking off-license, so you can't buy booze in normal shops there and i get to the fucking tell and there is like a trick-or-treating bowl of pre-rolled joints right and i'm like what's that she's like weed and i'm like what she's like weed marijuana and I'm like CBD she was like THC and I'm like that's THC and she's like

yeah and I'm like pre-rolled THC joints and she was like yeah and I'm like I don't believe you well I guess just a compliment

like a mint having mint no no no they're like three bucks okay yeah but they're just you can pick whichever one you want

and I'm like and I'm like there's no there's no way this is's no there's no way this is adjoint there's no way in hell this is from a fucking

from a fucking scotman amazing so it would just be like them having a basket full of like jager mini jagers

they just they just say it as like you might just want to have a little so I'm like I've got I don't this will be this will be shit

it'll be something there's no fucking way I take it I go outside I smoke the fucking thing I'm like tasted've got like I don't I don't this will be this will be shit it'll be something there's no fucking way I take I go outside I smoke the fucking thing I'm like tasted a bit of weed but not too fucking strong going to a Nolita's pizza get that eat that and then it starts tasting I mean it's a good pizza anyway then it starts tasting real fucking good and I'm just like I am absolutely fucking stoned off my noggin here I can't't believe this. And I get to the fucking venue that night. I'm talking to Carter, who's the sound tech. And I'm like, is marijuana illegal in New York? He's like, no, no, no, it's not.

And I'm like, huh? He's like, no, no, it's still illegal. What? Like, federally across the country, it's illegal. New York has just decriminalised it. And I was like, but I... Do the co-op know that? Yeah, the spa. The're in trouble man because i tell you what that is the coolest so garage i have ever been to nobody left just heaps of parked cars people filled up their vehicles

and then for the night so basically it's decriminalised which means like you don't get in trouble for smoking it you don't get in trouble for having it on you but you cannot

sell it but the way New York is beat cops regular cops cannot stop anyone any shops or stores

from selling it because they don't have the authority or whatever to take down a company so the police are just looking at it going well that's not allowed and if i had more power you'd be in trouble yeah yeah so they just found a loophole right it's illegal but you can't be done for it no no you can't so the better fucking loophole is right so beat cops can't get can't get you in trouble for it, but detectives can. A detective

could 100% walk into your fucking store But they're busy. It's New York! Of course they're fucking busy! They're dealing with murders! Imagine they're just like, right, let's just get the numbers up. Let's get the numbers up on how many fucking reports were filed. Yep. So like

a detective could go into one of these things and occasionally this does happen when you just get a fucking jobs worth. They go and they go, right, here is, and it so like a detective could go into one of these things and occasionally this does happen when you just get a fucking jobs worth they go and they go right here is and it's like a thousand dollar fine for selling it but each of these stores

makes two or three grand a day selling weed so they're just like like a detective comes in and they're like is it is that weed they're like yep

like Dave Chappelle's paying a smoking fine for smoking in the building on stage they're just paying the fine it's a rich people tax it's like car parking fines no no no but it's man every store like man these stores are corner stores and man there's a couple of there's occasional weed shop there as well which again it's not really if one of them gets stung they'll

just chip in on each other we just we're just we've got a little pot together a pot well I imagine they're just like are you gonna you going to do all of these? Are you going to do all these stores? Is that your Friday evening in New York? You know what it's like, what's happened? It's like, you know, when it's coming for,

if somebody just gets pulled over for like doing 35 and a 30 or whatever, and they're just like, oh, did you catch all the rapists and paedophiles, did you? It's like the American cops got that and then just went, oh, fuck, we haven't.

Two seconds. Oh, no,'t two seconds oh no no no stay there oh fuck are they still on the street yeah hold on can I actually get two

of these because I've got to go solve a murder and by the sounds of things it is a brutal so I just ended up

ended up I mean not as bad as it was like it was still like it was after shows which is my thing my thing was always if people bring me weed

you know I just don't have the strength to say no and also I've said on this podcast so many times that if you bring weed to the stage door aye

I'll smoke it and I was like what if somebody has travelled all this way this is her they had it written in my head travels all this way with a joint

all the ones that moment aye and all the ones that moment all the ones that moment with me to smoke weed and what that actually is is me going god I hope one of these cunts brings a spliff

it is isn't it it's the only only reason I go out there no it's not it's a bit of the reason I've got this thing where I'll I'll come back

because I don't like I like to quit smoking every time I get home and then I get home and I had like seven cigarettes left and I I could have thrown them had like seven cigarettes left and I could have thrown them in the bin

right but I know that that's just going to cost us in the long run because I'm going to end up smoking again so I might as well put them to one side

and then I put them to one side and then my heat guns just rattle through them yes yes that is fun because it makes

so much sense just get rid of them. I'm not going to bend them. Because I remember a time when I used to have to scrounge for cigarettes. I used to have to go through ashtrays. On computer games. Not even in real life. I have to smoke these now.

I'm trying to get a contact buzz off the bum on the telly. Man, the amount of times that I've gone, right, that's me fucking quitting weed. And the only way I can quit weed is if I smoke the rest of my weed tonight and I will, I'll smoke it all and the next day I'll go,

silly me, I didn't smoke the crystals in the bottom. That'll be bloody tempting. I better go and smoke that today. And then I spend all day smoking that and then I'm like, wake up the next day

and I'm like, good, it's done. I'm clean. up the next day and I'm like good it's done I'm clean though I do have a little brush I do have a tiny little brush that I can run around my grinder and with a toothpick I can scrape the bits off and I'm going yeah I mean this is what

an addict does I made the mistake of buying a gram of coke for a Thursday wedding on a Monday. Guess who was hungover on Tuesday? Guess who went to bed early at the wedding? None of you cunts got any coke? Poor planning.

Poor fucking planning this. I did punch drunk. It was like 11 o'clock at night. fucking planning this I did punch drunk you know just like it was like 11 o'clock at night do you know what I mean I'm just about to get out of bed and I'm just like

lads was it not when when Rocknest was still on you and Ricketts were meant to bring up like six or seven grams

of gear and then and then we got to Rocknest and you were like we only got two and we're like oh you only managed to get two.

No. No, that's not what happened. No, me and Rick, it's had one of the worst nights out of my life. Was that? Mate, we're both pulled in Runcorn. Cool. With one last. And did you rock, paper and scissors?

No, no, no, no. Let us finish. Which had the mass of about five women. Uh-huh. Right, yeah. And you rock, paper and scissors to see who got to... I mean, we scissored.

It was a disaster. It was an absolute disaster man There's actually photos from that night That still make us laugh Have you seen those photos? With me in a leather jacket I didn't have my own leather jacket Nothing but a leather jacket for a threesome And I had a fucking tango doll

And I was coked off my fucking melon So I have these photos I'm just With me in a leather and I was coked off my fucking melon so I have these photos I'm just with my jacket on and I'm fucking dancing on my back with a tango doll man that

that photo god that photo must be like 10 years old at this fucking point it's older than that because I met my wife the next day I met my wife

on the comedown fucking rock bottom anything's Fucking rock bottom. Anything's up. Rock bottom. Scissors. In the paper that had my weather certificates on. Yeah, good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In, in. Absolutely in. What a fucking weekend. Because that was the night, because I pulled the same day I met my wife. That was also the time that I was with my fiancée's sister

oh yeah you were I don't know were you with her then no no she come to the 2013 one oh

because I was with Natalie when there was two rock nesters that are blending into one okay ah yes

but eh I mean that night er Matty was like ready to roast us because of how terrible I'd done

the night before but then I had like the most successful like bounce back from me come down so

what a weekend holy fuck god I missed Rick Rick it's got the raw end of the deal that weekend

I don't think no I think the girl did I think I think if anyone got fucking wrong it was two

coked up journeys thumbing in hot dogs one doing a photo shoot with a leather jacket can I just say please well the other one fingers you

like he's trying to start a motorboat mate that photo it looks like he's trying to start a motorboat. That photo. It looks like he's trying to pick her up but not bending with his legs. He's got his fingers. He's got like one hand on his shoulder.

You're just looking at the photo going, bend your knees. You're going to put your back with your... No, because can I can I like me and Ricketts aren't the best looking lads but she was punching right mate

it was Christmas for her did she have a good time she had a belt she couldn't believe it did you give her any gear yeah you give her any gear yeah you give her any gear

she was putting on a fucking cereal I'm joking she had a fry up she put

sugar on a fry up oh man I can't believe I just fucking had to see where I was on a fry up. Oh, man. Can't believe I just fucking had to see where... I was on a podcast with Kerry the other day and I just tried to tiptoe

around that girl that was... Because it was at the lap dancers, the girl that wanted to dance for us just wasn't very attractive and I was just trying...

Because you know how you just want to like... You just want to go, oh, I'm just going to have a drink. I'm just going to just chill out with my mates and all that you don't want to go and get back on the fucking sushi carousel mate i'm gonna wait for someone to actually whet my appetite you don't want to be a dick no no um so i had a tiptoe to run that out of the last podcast

just think i don't want to find i don't want to sound degrading. Well, no, I think it comes, like, you don't, it's not nice to call someone, like, ugly or unattractive. Like, I feel that now, that, like, sometimes I see people who I think are fucking horrific looking. I think they're really fucking ugly people. And it's not the be all and end all, but it is part of your sexual preference aye aye and sometimes I find myself

you know when I see people like that just going well just having horrible thoughts just in my head being like ugly this ugly that and I'm like well first of all they probably don't care and also there could be a beautiful soul probably is a nice soul within that there definitely is

I mean this for everybody meat vehicle it just seems a lot more like a meat vehicle for some than others aye aye and and and obviously my perception of ugly comes from the fact that you know when we were younger we were just man we were so desperate because we or at least for me my insecurities of being ignored throughout fucking high school by girls and whatnot and then suddenly get attention later on and then women who i perceive to be beautiful wanted to fuck me then that's where i got value from so that's when i started valuing beautiful people more over ugly people which is entirely in my own fucking head and it's my own and it's social conditioning from like childhood and that as well isn't it like yeah

and also like fucking capitalism dictates what's beautiful. 100%. Yeah. And also what people can fucking like anyone. I think anyone can like bump themselves up like five points and looks if you are first personality can give you three points immediately. Right. A fucking funny, friendly, kind, ugly person is way better to hang out with and generally be

around than a fucking nine out of ten and even pillow talk afterwards the only thing the the nine or ten is good for is like this is great to look at while we're having sex right and this is gentlest by the way for whoever you decide to fuck this is just based on looks i think personality can take you up minimum of fucking three points if it's exceptionally good how you dress it can add a point to your things how you carry yourself understand that if you perceive yourself to be unattractive confidence is a hard thing to come by but you've got to remember confidence is one of the easiest things to fake like it really is you do just have And I know that sounds insane, but it is.

Start small. Yeah, start small. Start small with faking your confidence. Yeah. Just like bold us straight in. You're probably going to have some real bad social fucking etiquette. And ultimately, if you're one of these people

who are able to, you know, and also working out, getting into, you know, decent shape, not only for your mental health, but to just get you into a place

where I'm not suggesting fucking abs because fucking God knows the last time I had abs. Abs are such unrealistic goals as well. You can achieve them, but you're not going to have a good time. Yeah, and then you've got to maintain them forever and that's unrealistic. But what is realistic is you can do a bit of exercise

every two or three days that keeps you not only a bit trimmer, but in general is just good for your mental health, which will then make it easier to fake confidence and maybe even really have confidence so like now that i'm older i realize all the things that i sort of perceive to be beautiful now i mean you're right with the pillow talk like sex is with a beautiful person is great for as long as that sex lasts and if they're beautiful that's not long that's like

four minutes of sex and what i required to get that sex was like three hours of dating three hours of just going through this vapid fucking conversation with someone that you've got no interest in you don't find them interesting you don't find them fucking funny but just in your head you're like i've got fucking because they're beautiful because if i'm a fucking beautiful person that will make me feel less ugly on the inside because you know that's how at least my brain fucking worked at the time whereas now I'm like all the fan lays I remember were never the were never the most beautiful can you remember when you were single if you woke up and you were chatting to someone the next day and you like you wanted them in your house and you went like

like that's that's the danger where you're just like oh fuck what if i like this girl yeah yeah oh no no this is gonna fuck everything up this yeah oh man yeah yeah the feeling of like after like the the post nut clarity when that clears and like i thought and your brain post nut clarity i like it it's not my it's not my term I can't claim it but like well it's the standard thing amongst well you know what

it's probably actually true amongst women I've only ever heard men discuss it though but like if you've ever got a big decision to make in your life

have a wank oh yeah because it just it gets rid of and you know what it definitely will work I have like should I get

should I get them cigarettes in the house well of course I should Because I always smoke After sex Did you have something To finish on that topic

Because I want to move on to something my thing was just going to be there now that I'm fucking older and a bit like if just to be if you have to deal with people who are shallow like I was when I was

in my 20s those are not the people you want to fuck be in a relationship or generally be around if somebody you are dating or seeing or are interested in does not make you feel they don't have to make you feel beautiful because that's not the most important thing but the one thing they focus on is your beauty and your looks move past that because that's only ever going to be a fucking surface level relationship because i've done you know hundreds of those just confidence look after yourself be kind to yourself and you know get some sneaks oh yeah so get off

the sneaks i you know you know what you were talking about there i had um i had a routine that i used to do about punching um and i felt the need to slip in like even though it didn't add to the joke it just made it wordier. I was like, her looks aren't her redeeming features. She's got so many more things that she's better than me for, and I felt the need to sometimes slip that in just so that I wasn't just making it look like that's the important thing.

Aye. It's not. It's just the one that everybody spots immediately. Well, because the initial attractions, like, man, I... When I was initially attracted to Cara, was I attracted to her personality? body spots immediately well because what the initial attractions like the man i man when i was initially attracted to cara was i attracted to her personality no didn't know it right was i attracted to how funny it was no i wasn't listening to a word she said i wasn't we're not having

fucking partner it's because she had really nice legs great tits and a nice fucking face that's a hundred percent and also like you absolutely shouldn't have went there 100% I shouldn't have went there god oh and then it was forbidden for a while and that made it so much fucking better

whereas now don't get me wrong I still think she's fucking stunning but in the list of things that I love about my partner like it's you know

I remember a routine I used to do and I think every comedian eventually fucking touches on this which is you know my partner find a girl that can cook.

The looks, they get worse but the cooking just gets better. Like the thing of like, oh, you know, my partner always goes, you know,

if I was in a wheelchair, would you still love me? Or, you know, if I was blind, would you still love me? And if I was fat, would you still love me?

And obviously the thing is, I wouldn't love you if you were fat because that's your own choice that you've fucking gone through. And man, I'm pretty sure I had a routine I still would at this point like I'm in too deep now I'm like yeah I'd be in love with watching side of that little fat and I never thought if Cara got fat I would be saying they'd be like I'm a drug addict fair enough like what what am I gonna fucking do like you you, I'm a drug addict, fair enough. Like, what am I going to fucking do? Like, you have to kiss a weed fucking mouth

and listen to my boring stoner ramblings when I come back in from the office and I'm like, do you reckon penguins know they've got two different feet or do you reckon they just like, because they can't see their feet. So do they know what's going on? Do they think they're a snake on the bottom?

Like, what's going on there? Conceptualised feet. I'm going to set you up here because I know you've got something to talk about and I've got a good lead into it here. Aye. So, my

hairdresser betrayed me this morning. We knew both, mate. I went to Creed's barber in... Your hair looks good, though. Thanks, man. I mean, there's not... There's not... All I'm saying is...

The barber did a good job. Yeah! Because you didn't ask him to dye it. But you are starting to get a little bit Dr. Strange going on. No, it's Reed Richards Reed Richards has got the grey apparently according to Gann I'm getting grey at the top there as well

and I was actually talking to my buddy Cal Penn about this and because he is an actor so he's like I go grey but I dye my hair because you've got to play roles in different ages so of course are you going to dye your hair and I'm like nah I dye my hair because you've got to play roles in different ages so of course are you going to dye your hair and I'm like no I can't do it like I'll there's some things about

my appearance that are like I'll fix like my teeth are fucked because when I was young I fell over when I had my baby teeth and I smacked my fucking lip off a curb and it meant like the teeth adult teeth that were in my gums dented slightly so So when they came in, they just had like two small minor fucking divots. I never really noticed it until I was asked to be on television. And then the BBC were like, oh, those teeth aren't good enough. Do you mind if we pay to get those fixed? And then Matthew knocked them out. I staggered and then Matthew knocked them out.

And I've also fucking chipped them again. They regularly chip. So he was being a drama queen is what he's saying. Right. Well, yeah. So I get these sort of, that's something

that part of my face, I'm like, I'll get that because I use these for eating and I use this for that and this isn't part of getting older.

This is an injury that I've had that, you know, I'm just getting rid of. My hair has just aged. It's also like, it's like getting a dent knocked out of your car

as well. Like if your teeth are all fucking mangled up, like I'm getting body work done on my teeth, and it's class. I can't believe how much they've changed since day one. I'm nearly done now. Nearly finished?

No, they're good. There's a little bit left. A little bit on the bottom. With the grey hair, I'm just like... It's going grey. It's going grey, but thanks to both my fucking granddads and my dad I'm like I'll have a full head

of hair so grey is alright especially on a dad as well is it at 32 though whatever I know whatever you're married you've got a kid you'll be married you've got a kid she always insults me for being she's not even 30 yet I'd rather I got grey than

like be losing my hairline yeah I agree with with that but i would i would like to have gone great 40 as opposed to 31. yeah that's one thing i'm holding on to is like i've nearly made it to 30 before to 40. yeah before it starts like fading it's thinner it's thinner than that um so i'm going to my barber creed i love love Creed. He's so good. I don't know the name of the other guy there, but man, standard Turkish barber. You walk in, you point, you go two, and then three inches off the top,

and he doesn't say a fucking word to you. He cuts your hair in 15 minutes. Three inches off the top? How long was it? It'd been a while. Today, he started talking to me. Oh, really? This cunt's never spoken to me

In his fucking life And that was the thing You liked about him? Yeah I don't know what happened He also had And it was good luck for him I'll give him this

His hair is bleach blonde He's never had bleach blonde hair But he's like dressing different I don't know if he's divorced No Who's this bitch? Who is this bitch? Who is this bitch?

That came and changed My perfect Perfect Kurdish I think he might be Kurdish actually I think calling him Turkish might be offensive I think whatever you get wrong in that region is bad yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah wait wait are you telling me there's like you know tensions in the Middle East uh yeah yeah hi um our fault um so he's just like how's your day and I'm like you've never asked me this In our fucking Three year relationship

I'm like it's Fine how's yours He's like yeah good Friends about me Last night But I don't go out On Friday nights Because I work early

On Saturdays Because people want Their haircuts on Saturday I'm like okay He goes And I don't drink And I'm like What is happening

What is fucking Happening here Who's this bitch That's got you talking You dating a white woman Are you dating a white woman What is fucking happening here? Who's this bitch that's got you talking? You dating a white woman? Are you dating a white woman? Did your Kurdish wife leave you and you're dating a white woman?

Great! That's exactly what's happened! He's dating a fucking honky! Your father left you for a honky? He's left his good Kurdish wife who didn't talk to him. They just sat in silence in their fucking house Baba left you for hungry? He's left his good Kurdish wife, right, who didn't talk to him,

right? They just sat in silence in their fucking house and that's how he lived his life. Met him miserable, but a good Baba nonetheless. And he was, you know what, she probably talked fucking heaps.

She probably talked all the time and when he got out of the house and he was cutting hair, he was just so happy to stand in fucking silence and do what he loved doing and that was where he got his fucking peace. And now he's got some fucking hippie bitch who's like and how was your day creed my friend jennifer says you look good with blonde hair he just goes along with it

but i did also and i'll never get past this and i I don't know, I know it's not racism, but I don't know if it's a bad thing. But one of my... You definitely just did it. I know it's not racist, but... One of my favourite things about society, well, immigration essentially, is it will never, I know this is bad, it will never not be funny to me

to hear accents that you do not expect out of faces you do not expect oh that's really funny it's man if I if it's a fucking

Indian Geordie Brown person at the Indian restaurant fucking yes mate because it took me a while to differentiate between the two

and then when I did it fucking because for me I'm like that's fucking progress like of course there are fucking second, third even fourth generation

Scottish people whose grandparents were from India or they were from Somalia or for whatever reason you know 70 to 100 years ago they emigrated to Scotland

they've been there and Raoul Coley had a show called Newcastle Brown Mail great that's actually really good isn't it

so and it always takes me a while to fucking think but whenever I see like this fucking Newcastle brown male. Great. That's actually really good. So, and it always takes me a while to fucking think, but whenever I see like this fucking Turkish guy, just be like, and how was your day, Ken? I'm like, great,

superb. So even though he was talking to me, just hearing, and I get to look in the mirror and I just get to see this big brown face speaking in the most classical dialect in the world, I'm like,

you going anywhere nice eh? I'm going over to Faroe Islands eh? I'm like you need to start cutting your hair in Glasgow not Edinburgh mate because

I actually did like this one it was a Ouija accent but this one's fucking rancid still can't complain you did a good job you just did

nine minute fucking haircut aye well I got I think I got my haircut by a customer Can't complain. You did a good job. You just did. Nine minute fucking haircut. Aye. Well, I got, I think I got my hair cut by a customer. Here is who.

The thousandth customer. Which is, right. I've had real, I've had real fucking trouble with barbers around here because I'm in Clarkston, right,

and there's a couple of different, there was one where this woman cut me hair and she'd done a decent job, right, and then I went back of it and it was shut on a Saturday, which is madness. And then I went into one of the Turkish barbers

doing the road and I think I've discussed this on a podcast before, so I'll just do it real brief. He was watching Newcastle versus Man United on his phone and Man United scored past Newcastle and he celebrated and then fucked up my haircut.

And it was like, Ronaldo scored and he went fucking nuts in the middle of cutting my hair. Yes! And I was like, Ronaldo scored, and he went fucking nuts. In the middle of cutting my hair, like, yes! And I was like, oh, fuck, was that against Newcastle? And then he was like,

it was the fucking highest side. It just starts, it just starts going CR7 into the side of your fucking head. Have that, you little fucking prick. So I was having a bad day, and then he just drilled it home. Do you want some red in your hair?

Oh, no, no, no, please. I was changing it when I was a kid. It's all fucking red, mate. Aye, fucking. So he basically, I got butchered one year and then I just started getting Natalie's Matt a date and then I had a good one in Edinburgh

and I was like, I cannot have me local hairdressers be, I've been here for two years and I haven't found a good local, right, in Edinburgh and I'm like, right, I'm going to get back to where that woman did me hair the one that was shut on a weekend which is madness by the way if you run a fucking business

Well as Creed was telling me If you run any business it's different shut on a Saturday Creed was telling me Creed said specifically the reason he doesn't go out on Friday nights is because he opens

earlier on a Saturday because Saturdays are the busiest days for a hairdresser Aye So I fucking I got into the shop right and there's the woman who cut me hair last time

started eating a pack of crisps on the hairdresser chair right and then there was a customer and I'll describe him right he was maybe 23 years old wearing a hat, bit of bum fluff like a generic red t-shirt on baggy hiding that he was like a bit chubby and that right if I could sum up the guy

it would be his mother knocks on his door and he's like where's all the cups? He was sat waiting for his haircut. And where was his mum just asked her? She dropped him off. She'd be like, stay here. If they finish your hair in under 20 minutes, you stay there and you read one of the fucking magazines. Okay, yes, mum.

Can I have my switch? No, you can't have your switch because you know what you did at school last week but he was about 23 right right he's about 20 he's like he's the early early 20s i'm gonna say early and then i didn't i didn't know the situation when i come in because i was like i didn't know what to sit doing because he's waiting for one and she's eating a pack of crisps so she's not cutting hair right now even though she's got a customer in but she might be just like two seconds young and starving i'll wash my hands and then do your hair so i went in i was just like uh he's up and for a I'm fucking starving. I'll wash my hands and then do your hair. So I went in and I was just like, are you up for a haircut?

And she's like, yeah, yeah, grab a seat. And I grabbed a seat, right? So in my head, fucking, she works there. I've had my hair cut off her before. It's just this random fucking dude sat there waiting for his haircut. I went for his ball. When I sat doing,

he stood up and gave us a really bad haircut. This isn't it this is the salvaged this is what she salvaged right but he was like

what are you having and I was like looking for his earpiece I was like alright I'm on impractical jokers

I'm so glad there's a UK version well a third UK version and I was like right

I've just profiled the man like I didn't think he was a hairdresser just because he's fucking sat looking like a pun alright

oh no Wayne you say profiled is it and you're allowed to say yes here is it because you look like

a straight man I mean you know on closer inspection he did have nail varnish on oh okay black nail varnish oh goth

huh unsure because he was wearing red and a baseball cap. But like obviously I didn't spot that when he was sat down. Maybe I would have just seen his nails and gone, nah, I'll have it off him please. He's gonna do a belted dub. Man, I know this is a very old school opinion, right? But Turkish men, Kurdish men, gay men, women. That's who's allowed to cut hair. Hey, if you're a straight man and you want to cut hair, cool, good dream.

Man, you've got fucking so much to go before you get into the league of those fucking people. If there's a straight man cutting your hair, you're like, this better be your building aye this better you better come from a long line

of male fucking hairdressers and they've passed the scissor down from generation to fucking generation it's a matter of pride just one of your leftover bits of fucking

bigotry oh you know what no no no in fact I can already tell that's wrong I've actually had some really fucking decent haircuts from hipster places

you know the ones that like give you beer or whiskey aye aye no I'm already wrong continue no you're wrong but it's like that thing that's in your head like a bit of bigotry like i bet you have a fucking male mid-wave coming you'd be like what what are you doing all right all right fucker what's up um so again number four back and sides and then you know when you just get the amount on top

and you can just I didn't just three inches off you're gonna have to go right under my scalp again right I just did this like

about there right and he he whizzed around with the clippers right and then

turned them off and put them doing once I don't care how good your fucking clippers are you're not getting it no one once. I don't care how good your fucking clippers are. Aye. You're not getting it in a one-eye. Yeah.

I don't care how good your, like, you fucking just rush right through, right? And then you spray something wet and just gives us a basic, like, fucking thingy off the top,

right? And then it doesn't do anything in the way of, like, blending it in from top to bottom and then does, like, a little bit of shaving

on the back to finish up and then give us the mirror and just, like, anybody who gets a haircut, no to finish up and then give us the mirror and just like anybody who gets a haircut no matter how bad it is you're like oh brilliant mate aye cheers

feel a lot lighter oh thank god for that it was good right I did that dance right and then he was like he was like 13 quid and I

and nah I had a shit haircut because I didn't go and I wore the top and make it 15 aye I fucking I fucking I cooted the fucking pun coins out of his haircut because I didn't go and I wore the top and make it 15. Aye. I fucking couldn't.

You fucking kind of the penny. I couldn't do the fucking pun coins out of his hand because I was like, I was like, that took seven seconds and I haven't had

a proper look at it yet but I nah, I'm upset. I nah, I'm going straight to me mother-in-law's and getting it sorted. Yeah,

I know I'm going to walk in and Natalie's going to go, who did that to you? You take me back and you find me those bullies who got you on the way home from school go who did that to you? You take me back and you find me those bullies who got you on the way home from school the ones that pinned you down and shaved you

I'll tell you what I look like because I look like we saw in the fucking mirror when I was driving the car right I just fucking had a look in the rear view and I look like

you know when the putt butt has his eye out in South Park and they didn't want to take him to the doctor because he'd get in trouble so they patched loads of furtive

to make them look like a dog and make them go into the vets and he's like woof woof woof so I'm driving back

from the bar and I just go woof woof and I'm like on the front of that like a punter just cut me hair

one of the punters just cut my hair the bells and that imagine imagine youter just cut me hair one of the punters just got up the bells and that imagine imagine you're sitting waiting for a haircut right and somebody comes in

and pushes in front of you and takes a seat at the hairdresser and you went think you're fucking day and me like that pushing in at the hairdresser

just get up and fucking 30 and pundit me do you get yeah that's for my haircut love you're not gonna put that money in the till nah mate

I don't work here could you not fucking till you huge jumping piece of shit honestly in my head I was like have I just been fucking done by a punter and eh

I was on the foot and I was like fucking direct your mouth man if I just gotta go and fix it and that and she was like why foot and I was like fucking direct your mind with me if I just gotta go and fix it and that and she was like why haven't you

gone back in and I was like you know what I'm gonna go back in because this is like this is the type of crippling awkwardness that stops people

from doing a thing right you're like I'm not going back in to complain about my haircut it's just too awkward I didn't want to be

in that situation right and I always try to coach myself into going that awkwardness is his not mine yes

I should never feel awkward about that like you know when somebody owes you money yeah why is it you that feels awkward when like six weeks

gone by and you're like give me my give me not give me my fucking money you're like oh I'm not in a hurry

for it or anything but we're just wondering if you just take whenever you get paid and that if you've got is it alright

like it's always like you that feels awkward people that are fucking late to a thing you're doing Whenever you get peered And that If you've got It's always like you That feels awkward People that are fucking late To a thing you're doing And you're like You want to be like Hey we said two And it's like

Ten past two Just wondering if you're on your way It should be Motherfucker Where you should have Texted me at five two Saying I'm going to be late What do you mean

Just pass Nasdaq That's the thing When someone texts you Someone texts you Where they are Matty's the one for it my brother's the one for it like I'm just

I'm just passing this place now and now I'm going I'm going to find my friends like you're stalking I'm going oh you're the fuck you're just lying to us you built an answer

in your house to the fucking rat so I just went no fuck it this is on him this and like I'm not going to get in with hostility so I just went no fuck it this is on him this and like I'm not going to

get in with hostility so I went in like this guy's a trainee right he's a trainee he's just starting out

the shop's not very busy and she's on a and she's like you go ahead and do that one right so just get in just give the guy

a chance to fix your hair I'm not fucking here to give you a bad review I just want to get solutions to what's going on here and bad review I just want to get solutions to what's going on here and I just I just went in

he was having a smoke outside and he spotted us coming back up right and I was just like oh mate is it alright if I just get a bit

tidied up because you've left like a couple of long bits on the side and I was like I was holding the long bits on the side and he was like

where and I had it in my hand I was like I've got it in my hand alright this bit and he's like what's wrong with it and I was like, where? And I had it in my hand. I was like, I've got it in my hand. All right, this bit. And he's like, what's wrong with it? And I was like, so you know when I asked for a four, that means four millimeters.

I'm saying this not with any stunk. I'm not saying it with any stunk, right? But I'm like, when I said four, that like when I said four that's a four millimetre shave that's about four centimetres that's the way it was left and he was like alright okay

and then he sat his dune and he put the finger on his again and he's going you know that's just how your hair is because you made it

that way and I went and I don't want my hair to be like that so I want you to get the four millimetre clippers and just stop it being like that because I want my hair to be like that. So I want you to get the four millimetre clippers and just stop it being like that.

Because I want my hair to not be like that. Sorry, doctor, I seem to have this massive tumour in my brain. That's just your brain, isn't it? That's just, oh, so nothing you can do. Oh, there's things we can do. But that is just the way your brain is. So he was just confused at what i was asking right and and then i was just saying so there's a few i just get the four millimeter clippers and just run it through the the back

and the sides in a and watch all right and he did it and loads came off like way more than just a clump of poplar because that's the bit i can see in the mirror right but obviously run the back and the sides yeah he's just fucking went run like that so there's fucking so much coming off on the floor right and i was just like that's all the stuff i was on about i wasn't being delusional you can see that too right that's and uh and he was saying he was feeling a bit embarrassed about it now that right there he was trying to fucking stay he was like i just don a bit embarrassed about it that a lot right he was trying to fucking stay he was like I just don't want to

go too high because like it'll just be and I was like ah yeah sure just fucking get that a lot and he finished it off

and he blended it in a little bit right and then dusted his dune and just went is that a bit better and I was like you've just done one side

like surely you can see that the other one's a different but you only held this side I like the way I'm talking now I wasn't adding that stank onto it but I was saying the words well you've only done one side

and this bit's still got and I'm like grabbing the bits from that side and he was like oh and I was like is your is your boss in

thinking the last that he was sat with and he was like oh no he's on holiday and I was like like, is your boss in? Thinking the last that he was sat with and he was like, oh no, he's on holiday and I was like, where's the last,

because that was the thing that he was saying as well, he was going, oh, it's your hair, I can't do much with that, it's just your hair and he repeated that a few times

and one thing I did retort with was like, this isn't my first haircut, you know, I'm knocking on 40, I've had my hair cut before and I know how it can look when it's finished.

I'm not the delusional one, yeah. And I went, I've had my hair cut before and I know how it can look when it's finished. I'm not the delusional one. And I went, I've had my hair cut off here before. Can I get it here please? Come on. Help! Help! I'm being murdered!

And she came back through and she was like, oh, come on to my station and she had to take it right down to fix it because he probably fucked it so this is the

shortest my hair has ever been just so it could not look patchy because he had committed a murder and I was still had sympathy

for him and I was just like oh is he just training up and she just was like she was so gritted teeth

she was like fully qualified and I was like what so's so gritted teeth. She's like, fully qualified. And I was like, what? So he's like getting paid full for this? She's like, yes, some mug 20 minutes ago, give him 13 quid. You should have seen the fucking grin on his face.

We normally make him charge a fiver because we only give him to the real mental cases, like homeless people that have got job interviews coming up which is you know what before you we let them practice on dogs in fact a couple of months ago we had this other dog come in here right and we and he shaved it way too close this small little cockapoo got it all the way down and then cover poop sorry well you're alluding to when the skin to my dog I would be getting the same ball pass so I used to think

he probably works there and she like you could tell she was Steven she was just like yep it's not my place I just work here you could tell

she was fucking livid that chat while the gaffer's on hold I just have to work beside this lad that's just because I even said at one point

because he wasn't but he wouldn't take the clip out of my hair at first because he wasn't but he wouldn't take the clip out of my hair at first because he wasn't having it that there was anything he could

do with the situation it's mad to look at something that has length and have a pair of scissors in your hand and be like

there's nothing I can do about it but what do you think scissors are when I'm not here and there's what are you using those for

I even said to him I went mate it looks like I've done it myself at home if I had done this myself at home and I whacked in and said yeah mate could you help us with this you'd be howling you'd be howling at the job I was like yeah man

watch just take the clip I threw so maybe I didn't have a bit of sass on it but like that's his awkwardness like it's it's not that's not that's not something

I should feel bad about but it is one of them things as well where I was saying Natalie I would hate to have been I would hate

to have been spotted or seen doing that like we were at the Stag and Thistle the other day and a couple of people that work there

listen to the podcast and they come and like, so I was trying to turn on the heater, but the heaters were broken and brought with blankets and all that. And they were just like dead nice and fucking come and chat to a little bit when they finished their shift. And it was class.

And I'm just like, I'm so glad this happened in here and not in the cafe way. And earlier where I complained my latte was too cold and made it as a new one that was hotter. Because you know what? My latte was cold cold and made this make this a new one that was hot I would because you know what my latte was cold in that place but imagine it was a podcast fan

and they're like oh there's Muggins yeah oh he's the easy going one on the podcast Daniel gets angry Cream gets angry at a lot of random shit

he's got a lot of inner rage inside of him but Muggins just seems very chill hold on he sent his latte back the cunt from Archington I sent my latte back

but it was a bit cold I just went to this place and I was like you know when you because it was a nice big mug but you know when you take your drink and you go

if I want to have this I've just got to have all of it now and I didn't want to down my latte I'd rather just have a hot one that's going to last us a little bit so I even agonised over that

I was like humming and hawing and then when they come out Natalie just asked them We went to a Korean barbecue when we were in New York and we'd never been to a Korean barbecue before we'd just been like recommended it by people

and if you've never been to one oh my god they're great they're so good man there's just like this hot plate and basically you order meat and they cook it in front of you. But we didn't know any of this, right?

We just went to a Korean barbecue. So they've got this list of all this food. It's me, the entire family and Marlena. And we're like, everyone in this restaurant is Korean, right? So we're like, great one. Like clearly this is the place. Like we're the only white people in here

we're gonna get back to get some real fucking good food and the waitress really useless but

so nice the entire time like coming up and that's a really difficult one isn't it oh but she just

we clearly didn't know what a Korean barbecue was you could just tell by the fact that we were the only white people in there and we were like how does this work she's like yeah

you just order and we're like okay can we have some of this meat and she's like that meat and we're like yeah

she's like okay and we're like but it says stick she's like yeah it's stick and I'm like okay then

if you say so ding ding ding ding ding ding what's that bell mean what's that bell for and then I'm like can we get some vegetables just because other people

that eat vegetables and she's like for you or for everyone I'm like for everyone she's like okay I'm like

what am I doing I'm like do we order for everyone or for the table or individually she's like for everyone at the table I'm like what what am i doing i'm like do we order for everyone over the table or individually she's like forever on the table i'm like and at no point did she take the time to go hey this is how it works we recommend when people normally come in they order four bits of meat they order five bits of vegetable you can order more when you just want when you want more because you're there for two hours you can be there for two hours and it's like essentially all you can eat you can just order it as it fucking comes

but within that two hour thing none of that was explained to us so I'm getting slightly annoyed by the fact that you know we're visibly getting confused by what to do and she's not explaining the thing but had the patience of a saint

was not miserable while we were fucking up we just sat there and she's like it's okay take your time and I'm like but it wouldn't take take your time. And I'm like, but it wouldn't take this long if you just told us what to do. But she's sitting there.

Could you be mean so we can complain? Yeah. She's just sitting there like. You're making this really difficult for me to be upset with the service right now. Caelan's just there jabbering on and she's like, what a cute baby.

Such a cute baby. And she's getting the other waiters over and be like, and they're all going to you. And I'm like, you are all so nice, but can you please explain to us what this is like what's happening and then obviously i still tipped heavily because it was it was unbelievably good food and when it eventually comes out they cook it in front of you

it's yeah natalie had a bad one down when she was down in london so they booked this table and like they were just ordering cocktails waiting for their friends to turn up and the friends turned up they ordered the food and all that right right? And just as the food arrived, they just started talking into it. They wait, I come along going, okay, we're going to need your table so as to kind of box up your food and move you on. And Natalie was like, sorry, what?

She was like, because she'd just spent about 70 quid or whatever. She's got a bottle of wine, she's ordered her food and she's like, you didn't pay 70 quid for a takeaway. You spent 70 quid for a dining experience. And if you're taking the table from underneath us,

that's the fucking experience that I'm paying for is gone. Right. And they're like, oh, we can sit this over on the windowsill over there. And there's like six of them. And it's like clearly for just couples or individuals having some food. Right.

So they're just like in a long line. And Natalie was fucking furious that they're just being shifted from the table. And she's, she's trying to say to the manager, like the food's just arrived. Not the manager, the waiter. Food's just arrived. And they're just being shifted from their table and she's uh she's trying to say to the manager like the food's just arrived not the manager the waiter food's just arrived and they're like yeah but we're gonna have to move on because somebody's got that table booked and um she went kind of speak to the manager and while she was waiting for the manager she went down to the toilet and then just went into the email confirmation booking right just to double

check something and time had just got away from them and it was fucking half past seven and they booked the table at six and they had in writing that they had to be off the table six to seven for 7.30 and Natalie was like I cannot go back up

and she's like composing herself just go back up when the manager comes to the table who she's just demanded to see just go yeah yeah box up our food will be gone this was our fault I didn't realize how long we're drinking cocktails waiting for our friends

we haven't seen each other while we're catching up time got away and she's just trying to like unpick the complaint that she's absolutely you turning on right and then uh when she got back upstairs they'd like give them another free bottle of wine they took the service charge off their bill and they'd done all this because uh kat had went oh we're not that bothered but my friend downstairs is really angry and then she's like oh well let's get this sorted then before she gets back up and literally just like give them a bunch of shit so that they could move and get the table free took the service charge off give them a free bottle of wine and then landed another free bottle of wine on the table before they left

and Natalie was just there going, I was in the wrong. She starts walking back to the table and they all start going da da da da da da da Isn't that shit that like, the more of a cunt you are, the more stuff you get?

Yeah, yeah. Like the worse of a cunt you are, the more successful a service you're going to get. People being like, I don't want to end the worst of a cunt you are the more successful service you're going to get I don't want to end up dealing with a cunt like this so I'll just give them whatever the fuck they want we're going to have to go because we've got the Glasgow SEC tonight so the tour will be started and

off the blocks some of you will already have seen us by the time you listen to this you can come see us in air on Thursday at the Getty Theatre. We are in Belfast on Saturday, Liverpool on Sunday. You're going to Liverpool without me,

while I'm up in Aberdeen. So if there's anyone in Aberdeen that can't make it to Liverpool, I'll be there. All right. And Gareth Waugh. Gareth Waugh is jumping on

at the Liverpool gig. And then I think we've got Birmingham and Aberdeen is another one. Just go and Daniel Sloss. Yeah, we'll go back to Aberdeen together

after my show DanielSloss.com for all the tour dates we are back on the road and can't wait to see you and we're going to be constantly adding to the tour so if you look at it and go

oh no we're not you haven't come to us like we will we'll get there eventually slowly right bye you