Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.10: Get the Head-Sock

Episode Date: December 7, 2022

Muggins here, I've not listened to this one yet, all I do know is Producer Jack text me half way through saying "I hope this is a Patreon" ...it isn't. I fear this may be the end of us. Enjoy. Also available to watch on YouTube

Hello, podcast listeners and viewers. Welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. Thank you very much for tuning in again. Kai is not with me again this week, just because it was the opening of the Duggan Bone yesterday. His partner's new indoor doggy play centre thing that Kai is helping to run and keep going. He's making coffees. He's a coffee bitch. Well, she does everything important. So I've got Cullen jumping on with me this week. And oh boy, if this is your first time listening to this podcast,

don't listen to this episode. This cannot be the first one you listen to. Please, please, please, please go back and listen to other ones so you can get it in your head that I'm a nice person. Look, we talk about Kanye West and his vicious, horrible, vile anti-Semitism. It's dangerous anti-Semitism. We talk about his mental health.

We talk about all this stuff because it's just, it's fucking pathetic and it's awful what he's doing. Like the man made Alex Jones uncomfortable. It's awful, it's fucking pathetic and it's awful what he's doing, like the man made Alex Jones it's awful, it's awful and then for some reason we just find our way then making jokes about the holocaust ourselves

and I can't remember why it happened, it was a slippery slope clearly, this is why you can't do it and we were just, and then, it's not like we weren't denying it but we were saying pretty pretty funny things about it and it's not the time for jokes about it then it's not like we weren't denying it but we were saying pretty funny things about it and it's not the time

it's not the time for jokes about it it's not the time for jokes but we did it anyway and I'm sorry but we can't record another one

so you know if you're sensitive please don't listen to this if you're a Jew oh this whole episode is fucked I'm so sorry

please just I don't I don't recommend it to anyone even long time listeners This whole episode is fucked I'm so sorry Please just I don't I don't recommend it to anyone Even long time listeners Sloss and Humphries on the road Muggins and cream Cream and muggins Straight thuggin'

Livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head That makes you laugh They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Oh muggles Accidental rim job in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? It's 11.43 at night Maybe got a long drive back to Seattle

Here's some jazzy tunes from No, I don't know any I don't know any Sorry, it's just if you're watching on the If you're watching on the podcast, we're just playing with the microphone and I'm trying to do like NPR, like that late night.

I don't really have a sultry voice. I have a low voice, but I don't think a woman's ever masturbated to the sound of my voice. No, I don't think so. No. If they did, that would be quite... No.

Yeah, do you think it's like... I reckon they've went to me I've definitely No doubt in my mind You know what I dare say Once a week a woman masturbates You're not allowed to say it though

You have to have some It's never happened for me No man There are people out there Frigging their clits though you have to have some like it's never happened for me no man people fucking there are people out there fucking frigging their clits

to like Darryl O'Brien and no offense to Darryl he's a very funny and intelligent man and fucking what's big

big Richard Osmond like as we've discussed so many times on this podcast men are terrible at judging the attractiveness of other men

Straight men are so bad at it You fucking certain they are? Zachary Quinto How dare you? Zachary Quinto Spock I'm not I'm not I'm not

Well It would be very cute as Spock But that's not where I'd smash Andy Serkis Hey He's a bit of a He's a bit of a daddy of Black Panther. Aye, that's true. But I think that's the uniform. I think anybody would look like that. That's not true. I wouldn't. I'd be like, you're drowning in that.

You're drowning in that. In noir, that uniform would like hold me back. Just a strong wind would send you away. No, I'm trying to... Stop retreating, Private Cullen. I don't wanna. Where I'm going, we don't need parachutes. Jumping off the plane. Terminal velocity.

No, I imagine if you jump out of an airplane, you fall down like those helicopter seats. It's just your bald heads directly facing the earth but your legs fucking flailing around in a circle what's he doing helicopter seats well yes yeah yeah that's how i imagine you fall you have like uh would you do i always wanted to do that thing where you jump it's like my thing i always wanted to jump out of a an airplane without a parachute and then you know they run jump after you and have to catch you and then put the parachute

on and then turn up before you go down oh yeah oh wait so like some real i mean that's that's beyond daredevil stuff because jumping out of the plane i mean i've not done it yet but people would describe that as terrible you want to there to be a service where it's yes called catch me if you can it's gonna be very sad but the reason and to be fair you only have's Yes Called catch me if you can This is going to be very sad But the reason And to be fair You only have to pay If they do catch you

I Yes If they don't Full refund It'd be real bad If they did take their money You still owe us Yeah yeah yeah

That Chatting about Piling mush They're like We want you to put a deposit down first Get fucked Get absolutely fucked You're not getting a fucking deposit

No way You'll get the money at the end Yeah You can hold my credit card But I'm not telling you the fucking pin code Right And it's not one of those contact ones The contactless ones

They're even fucking dry They'd be great I've had all the money in my pocket Like you'll get it when I land And then as soon as I jump out It's like Yeah And then both instructors jump out

And then just start catching it Like the end of the Crystal Maze, but in a really big dome. Was Crystal Maze the one they caught? I thought it was Fort Boyard. Fort Boyard was the coins. Oh, yeah, in the Tiger Pit. They pretended they were going to rip the contestants apart. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just a very well-fed tiger on a leash. You watched it for my birthday once Yeah I mean it was piping hot No it wasn't piping hot It was very very good Television back in the 90s? Yeah definitely 90s I mean they had a little midget

Running around opening doors remember It was real bad That was back in the day when you could Just hire little people And you could't have this well I mean that was back in the day when you could just hire little people and you could call them midgets yeah yeah

I just did well I always wondered like is you know first of all any term will become offensive when people

use it in a derogatory way like Doug Stanhope's got an excellent fucking bit which I think every comedian in the world is rightfully fucking jealous of including myself

which is the you have to understand whatever if you make when you make the word retarded you can't say that anymore I'm just going to keep saying that you're going to choose another word

to fill that place I'm just going to keep saying that whatever the worst thing to say I mean I'm absolutely butchering the bit go watches I don't know which special it's on but it's essentially whatever you make the word I'm just goingchering the bit Go watches I don't know which special it's on But it's essentially Whatever you make the word

I'm just going to say Nothing can be changed There's always going to be people out there Who want to Yeah yeah of course yeah Yeah I mean But no So here's my question right

With midgets Is that Is the term offensive Because little people got together And were like right We're fucking sick of you all calling us midgets Or Is it A white person with dreadlocks Was like Okay guys little people got together and were like right we're fucking sick of you all calling us midgets or is it

a white person with dreadlocks was like okay guys, haven't shared in a couple of days, I'm going to put myself forward to stand up for these people and be a martyr and they've had it up to here with all of these jokes and it's time for me

I fucked up a stand- handleback i had to get some sort of punchline speaking of jumping on another bit bill burr had one about midgets jesus have some decor have some oh jesus christ i'll get to that i'm delighted for that delighted there's coffee burning through that instant coffee I think it was Bill Burr had the bit about you know like

this will be good for editing right guys keep telling your story Ryan Cullen I'm gonna do

the shipping forecast Bill Burr had a little bit Bill Burr had a bit about like

the word midget is like way better than the other alternatives it's strong I'd be the same if like retarded like little people

and dwarf it seems so bad yeah dwarf dwarf fucking dwarf yeah it's already got a meaning

it's a little fella that you know fishes with fishes on little rocks but it's actually like did the mythology of the actual like dwarves. But, I mean, you call them

fucking gnomes? They'll be around forever. Gnomes? Maybe. Look, I can see your point. I don't disagree with you. While we're jumping randomly from subject to subject, can I just do a big public shout out

and a big thank you to Hitler for inventing these microphones that we are currently talking on. You know, Hitler, the inventor of the microphone, Ryan. I fucking, like... The inventor... There's a couple of things Hitler's famous for, right?

One, the Holocaust. And then, second second to everyone's head yeah he made up that story with the holocaust I am not a holocaust no no

sorry if you're somehow not aware of what's going on Kanye West or a man in a it was Kanye West he was wearing a

it's so funny I was trying to describe it as like an unfinished balaclava yes or a two finished balaclava yes so that was the, I was trying to describe it as An unfinished balaclava Yes, or a two finished balaclava Yes, so that was the thing I was like, I couldn't know what you're saying It was a head sock

A head sock I'm up for that That's the best it's getting He wore his hat backwards He walked on with a head sock And he's not He's not taken his meds in about, I'm going to say, six months. And I don't mean that in a disparaging way.

He's very open about the fact that he should be on meds. And he's been given meds. And there's, you know, I'm not saying the meds are good. Bipolar is very hard to fucking medicate for. But whatever they're currently do. Yeah, they're working. He is hurting people. He was able to somehow make alex jones

uncomfortable which is so funny to me yeah yeah which that's so funny to me no like a billion quid yeah yeah like that that would like sued one billion quid for saying that a child fucking massacre was a hoax managed to make that guy shake in his little space boots I wouldn't really say that can you the funniest bit about the interview for me the bit where I lost my shit because by the way Jessica

I have hated Kanye West for so long I have hated him since I knew he fucking existed I have fucking hated him since the knew he fucking existed i have fucking hated him since the fucking start now i'm not saying i called it nobody could have called this there was so many there's not this is the greatest fall from grace like that i think i can't think of a bit like apart from jimmy saville like apart from like you know but i mean not not not an outrightly Like Basically obviously

Not being a rape kiss Or something like that People think He's the greatest Artificer of all time Including himself Very much so But there's a lot

I would say There's millions of people Out there Who if you ask them Who's the greatest Artificer of all time They will agree And say Kanye West

Right So it's a popular opinion And he's out there Not only denying The holocaust Becoming a full Fucking anti-Semite, having this fucking breakdown, losing it all,

somehow being made to look lame next to Pete Davidson. He's just falling down a mountain and hitting every tree and is someone who has passionately and professionally hated the man for 15 years. I do enjoy his... He would say, subtly being anti-Semit his, you know, like he would say like, subtly being anti-Semitic, then slowly like,

oh, that's anti-Semitic. Then he was going on about, it was a Jewish doctor, which is so comic. The bit in the interview that fucking killed me, is the bit where he's like, you know,

I see good in all people, which again, look, hey, so do Buddhists, right? There's a Buddhist teaching in it. Love everyone. You can see good in everyone. People who cause pain so do buddhists right it's a buddhist teaching in it love everyone you can see good in everyone people who cause pain i have hurt you know hurt people hurt that's why that saying exists you know maybe hitler was just a deeply hurt man doesn't justify

what he did like there's that horrible devil's advocate way to approach it which when people do it is very annoying so even if he was doing that it would have been bad but he just makes it where he goes I see good in a lot of people especially Hitler not not even not including especially like

way more than oh motherfucker like man was an artist with watercolours probably unbelievable

the greater water artist colourist of all time watercolour artist of all time the greatest water artist colourist of all time water colour artist of all time oh the greatest water artist is also Kanye West

because he is obviously a gay fish oh yeah how funny is this surely South Park have got to do something again now because Clem and Cartman

would be best fucking friends yeah yeah I just I never thought of that that's that has to they have to do that look please South Park I wouldn't add anything to your. They have to do that. Look, please, Seth Park,

I wouldn't add anything to your show other than this idea that you definitely already thought on, but just a tour of the offices. Oh, Jesus. I don't really know where he goes from here because... Well, hopefully. And I know it's definitely horrible to be openly enjoying the mental breakdown of a man.

On that note, he needs to go the fuck to therapy. He needs to start getting the medication. And look, I'm not saying he's wrong. Everything he said is wrong. It's hateful. It's ignorant. It's disgusting. It's vile.

That being said, when he does go to hospital, we can't give him a Jewish doctor because he'll just think we're fucking with him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just this one time. When he's good, when the meds are in, he'll hopefully stop being a vicious, vile anti-Semite.

But the road to recovery for him at this point in time cannot be from a gold steam. The Grey's Anatomy episode, when she tries to do the neo-Nazi. Oh, yeah. And he's like, give me a proper doctor.

Yeah, she still does the surgery on him. That's one of the times when I'm like, the doctor's a better person than me. Man, if I was a surgeon and somebody even gave me a stanky eye, I'd be like, all right, well,

I guess I'm having a joint before this. You fucking piece of shit Fucking cut in the moment Spit in the head Like that's why I'm not Well that'll look like the heart Whoops

We've got two surgeries now One to fix what I just did I just Yeah He needs to He needs to go to therapy To a Hospital

And be given Heavy meds Heavy given heavy meds. Heavy, heavy, heavy meds. Obviously he's not getting any airtime. It's either from his own or fucking places, like people like Alex Jones right now. So I presume most people are quite aware of that we can't really get this guy on TV.

Even Ben Shapiro came out and said... Oh my God. I can't remember what fucking meme it is, but it's like, oh, it's the Onion article, which is the worst feeling in the world is when somebody you hate says something you agree with. Yeah, yeah. Ben Shapiro was like, it's cruel to have Kanye

on any television show at this point. This man just needs help. And you're like, ah, yes. Ben Shapiro. I'm right! How bad would things be? Fucking Hovind Glavin I forget the list stage And you see videos

Of Jordan Peterson Going the man just needs off Television He needs help You just fucking Bring me out the back Cara's gonna hear A single bullet

And a couple of birds Coming out of the trees And then I'll come in I got scared and I fought him I'm sorry He was about to do it I freaked out I snapped

I'm so sorry He came at me He handed you the gun I don't know I just freaked I'm mad This was the whole point Did you just say

He came at me Like from that Kevin Nealon Conan podcast No But that is that is do you know like

we'll get back to Kanye in a second Jack reminds us of where we were in that but if you want to see from me which I think is one of the funniest funniest

funniest podcasts I have ever listened to in my entire life I can't remember if we spoke about this already in the podcast I hope we didn't Kevin Nealon returns

on Conan O'Brien needs a friend they've look they've been mates for fucking years and Kevin Nealon returns on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend they've been mates for fucking years and Kevin Nealon is clearly just on the show to annoy his best friend and not take any of it seriously and just fuck him up and by the end of it

he's making himself laugh so hard he's literally sobbing everyone in the room is crying Conan's losing his mind i've watched it i've watched that last 20 minutes on that youtube thing about three or four times i have now too because you you said oh this is long daniel oh it's a cruel thing to do someone like i went and i was like oh my god yes and then i must i keep going back to it just there's just one part where he just says like they're trying to be serious And he asks him a question

And he goes that's a great question Conan And I don't know why And you can see them all going It doesn't make sense now But it's just so subtly brilliant He's so aggressive He came at me I saw another one

I watched him on the actual show The Conan show did you ever see him do that where he he tries to leave five times before the interview's over he goes he goes

I've got a really important meeting and I gotta go and he's like what like immediately says it when he sits down like I don't have time for any of this just starts like going out

and then he he goes alright sorry everyone and nobody knows how to take it then he comes back and talks for another minute and then goes up to leave about four. He leaves like six times.

And he's sitting there just like. I've always thought that was one of my favourite things about some of the, well, the reason I love Conan, not only because he gave me a career. Yeah. He always lets people fuck around on his show. Like the funniest clips are the ones of like when it was Rory Scoville and John Dore uh being booked for the same stand-up spot it accidentally conan apologizes they both graciously graciously

agreed to share their time and they both come out and do stand-up at the exact same time just talking over each other conan let that go out on the air for five minutes for five minutes like they were so good at it oh it's so funny I would never be able to even pull it off no they must have rehearsed it because there's bits in it

where like John will start doing an act out and Rory is doing because of that silence is doing a really good bit of the top

it's almost in unison you can if you watch it several times they are doing legit stand up in both sets yeah

they're not fucking around. The other one they did is the You Think This Is Easy. Oh. John Doerr's doing his set. John Doerr's one of my favourite comedians ever to watch live. He just fucks around. It's all about... I've seen Rory Scoville four times.

Probably the four best comedy gigs I've ever been at. Aye. John Doerr would constantly, to a packed out room at the Sydney Comedy Store, during a night when there's like 15 acts on the bill, they would be like, John Doerr, and he would always just come out pretending to pick apples from an orchard

at the back of the stage. And for like 30 45 seconds no eye contact with the audience nothing just picking imaginary apples and then we'd turn around

and be like oh hi didn't see you there and then just go into his act Paul Rudd Paul Rudd Paul Rudd and Conan oh yeah yeah yeah

the famous one yeah that I mean that's so fucking cool and he did it on the fucking podcast yeah any John Doerr any John Doerr or Rose Goveau

Conan spot is always superb the other one that you think this is easy John Doerr's doing his set and during it an usher

in the Conan audience is trying to sit audience members down and John Doerr's like do you fucking mind yeah like I'm trying to do my job here and Rose Goveau the usher who's Rose Gove you fucking mind yeah like I'm trying to do my job here

and Rose Grover the usher who's Rose Grover is like well I'm just trying to do my job here and they just start do you think this is easy

yeah I think this is easy and then Conan gets and again it's every time I watch it I'm like this is why for me Conan was the best late night host

was because it was just letting comedians do what they did it wasn't just stand up right if your stand up was weird it was you letting comedians do what they did it wasn't just stand-up right if your stand-up was weird but it was you know it was the proper alternative shit rory scoville at the vodafone comedy festival in dublin he's patty power one now uh he went and like i saw he was on four shows and on the last show it wasn't this usually they do like two american shows and you go see all the americans that are over so it was like it was sam moral mark norman neil hamburger and i think rory scoville was the

thing right uh and nate brigazzi and stuff like that right i can't might be mixing two shows together but either way uh rory scoville went on and just like there was only about 50 60 people in the last show because it's the late one on the sunday uh the festival's kind of wrapped up and he did like uh because you irish people all's kind of wrapped up and he did like, he goes you Irish people all love like ghosts and shit don't you and he was like turn down the fucking, he was like turn down the the the lights and he turned down the lights and he goes put up my echo, I want echo on the mic and the guy the the fucking noise freaking out the sound guy trying to like make him sound like a ghost, he starts playing like a ghost, there's all these

people that have paid tickets that don't know who Rory Scoville is. They're like, what's happening? I've seen two or three old people then getting up, trying to get leave. And he just starts pretending he's haunting them. I will find you. And they opened up the doors and started walking out of the tent. And he was like, turn up the volume so they can hear me. And they were still looking back in the tent

while he was shouting at them for a thing. So I come around the back, and he's lying on the, when he came off stage, he's lying on the grass, face down screaming laughing at himself like rolling about and i was like that's that's that's great pure entertainment for himself as well yeah yeah which i respect so much because i'm so fucking desperate to be liked by that audience like it's so important to me like look the all the act of like i fucking hate them is that's what it is it's an illusion it's i need these people to look all the act of like I fucking hate them that's what it is

it's an illusion it's I need these people to like me and I'm so desperate for every gig to go well John Doan and Roach Gove will truly do not give a fuck in just a way that I'm like

man God like real like you know daredevils of of the game of the art daredevils

daredevils for the game yeah I was trying to do a callback and I think I just came across As Undoosh Back to Ye the anti-Semite So

Kanye went What did I do? Look hey I'm just saying Look I don't believe That it was Kanye Under that head sock I think you

Well I think you went on Alex's shows Blacked on my hands. Yep. Because hey, hey, hey, that's wrong,

but it's not as wrong as blackface. Black hands is way less offensive than blackface. Black hands. Black hands is so less, it's still offensive. I feel like.

It's still a form of blacking up, but it's not as offensive as blackface. I feel like you would show it more, you would be holding cups like this so people wouldn't notice. The ones just for the video people callan in the uh he did it like a a white girl drinking a warm cup of cocoa in an m&s advert that's it that's it yep i couldn't figure it out i had a dude vision i couldn't figure it out

with words yeah yeah um i nearly couldn't figure out saying with words with words there it's okay look people have listened to me ramble on and trip over like a lot of shit like whenever i'm on uh the fighter and the kid red subreddit just reading an entire group of people hate red and shop because i'm a vile vile toxic sad person deep down and for some reason it gives me great enjoyment to just, you know, to just not participate in the hating, but to just watch somebody be hated by 100,000 people. You know what?

I'm a piece of shit. I'm enjoying it. They're all bullying him because he clearly has, like, CTE brain damage because he slurs his words all the time and he's very sensitive about it. And every time I'm going like, yeah, what a big dumb idiot. And then I listen to myself on this podcast

and I'm like, not far off, motherfucker. Not far off whatsoever. Did you get CTE from him? Yeah. Oh, just smoking loads of Dacus. I was about to go bean pod free headboard. It's not even... Still by women.

Still, yeah. Still doing heteronormative sex. Normative... Can you west? I think it's... Look, it does make sense that a man who thinks

he is Jesus and he does yeah he definitely does think he's Jesus like that's the he's his

like he does I know it's not it's not an act yeah like he legit that's what he's after hmm

they killed me yeah I'm just saying it does make sense that he why he would hate the Jews is that where you were going and I just jumped in

no I know I think that I would consider that riffing or hate the Jews. Is that where you were going and I just jumped in? No, I would consider that riffing or us just being insane. All right, I thought you were going to have the big thing. I went, shh. So you're saying he's... Hey, hey, hey, man, if we had that onstage chemistry, if we were to translate that to the stage, we'd be millionaires. I'm telling you right now. Do you know, he's always sitting there now, he's like,

the Jews fucking control the media. I was like Oh you know The Jews The Jews fucking Control the media And he's like You're famous because Of the fucking media You should be wearing A fucking yarmulke In honour

Yeah Well maybe Maybe that is a yarmulke But it's just like He's fully unrolled it Unrolled Yeah An unrolled yarmulke

Yeah yeah yeah It's just as if It rolls up at the side Depending Because some Jews Have bigger heads But he's He's going to be too mental about it. He'll do something like, he'd actually be like,

what's that? And he's like, that's my foreskin. He'd be like, oh, Jesus, you're... I would desperately, desperately love to be in New York right now, just so I could see whatever stand-up Ari Shafir is currently doing on it. Oh, aye. And Sam Morrill.

Aye, aye. Oh, that's right Sam as well Yeah Yeah Yeah there's heaps of Jews In New York man Wow

Hey I didn't say I didn't say less I didn't say let's get less There's lots You couldn't say There's heaps of Mexican Heaps of Mexicans Yeah

Yeah Alright I take your point Heaps is I'm just trying to Find everything To throw you under a bus Heaps is

No no I think it's fair Heaps is Oh and also You can't trying to find everything To throw you under a bus Heaps is No no I think it's fair Heaps is derogatory Oh and also You can't say heaps of Yeah you can't say heaps of Jews Because that's Yeah that's definitely

Oh god yeah Yeah That's definitely offensive Yeah Not as offensive As what Kanye said though So I've still got

Yeah no Slightly higher ground At this point Yeah What do you think And I'm not Alex Jones What What's What's

What's Kim Kardashian's Next move then You can't let that man See you Fucking She has to just Avoid Never speak about it

There's no point in like Her going out And chatting about it Or anything Like I think she just Does to keep the family Away from it And do your thing

Because like Just let that burn And do what has to it do it has it's so it's just so exciting to see what happens next with this she's just like i'm just watching a man having a very public which by the way i understand you know even without you know the fact that he's got bipolar and whatnot man i can't imagine being that level of famous and what that does to your brain. Sure, yeah. He was already, before the problems, thought he was God. Ah, before he was, yeah. Like, he'd be genuine risk now. Well, he's already hurting people with words, whatever.

How good is that Bill Burbitt in retrospect now? Oh, the one that he said, like, yeah. Thank God that voice is in a black man, because if he was wearing a white dude's body, that's Hitler. It's so good. So very good. It's gone viral and everything again.

Some guy did tweet as well. I don't know who it was. He went viral again. Somebody tweeted in 2014, like, I think we should all get off the Kanye bandwagon before he starts the I love Hitler stuff. Yeah. And I was like, what?

I imagine it must be Really really fucking hard For like All the All the Neo-Nazi Skinheads Who were Who were

Like man this guy's coming out Denying the Holocaust And saying I love Hitler He's the most famous artist Of all time And they're like Yeah he's black Fuck

Fuck Man It was them that made him Wear the hood Yeah Put on the hood Yeah It's the Chappelle Show sketch That's right then Clayton Pigsby

Oh that's it I remember Because I never watched the Chappelle Show Until you made me watch it You strapped me to a chair And then I saw that one I was just like I don't know how this

was made oh man Chappelle says before that it's in episode one and before the show he says I showed this sketch to my black friend and he said it's going to put back the black movement 30 years very funny

imagine a man you're a white fucking skinhead all your life man you listen to Alex Jones every fucking waiting for somebody to just go into

the fucking media and say right the Jews run everything the Holocaust didn't happen Hitler was a fucking great guy you just want and every celebrity

that does is like some fucking country singer or some fucking weird nobody gives a shit some obscure footballer or whatever. It's never your celebrity. The greatest artist of all time,

according to most people, the greatest artist of all time, he's a black man. Right. Oh, God. I don't even, look, hey, God's got a sense of humour.

I've got to tell you this. As a neo-Nazi, I've got to tell you, white God has a sense of humour. He gave us to tell you this. As a neo-Nazi, I've got to tell you, white God has a sense of humour. He gave us a black Jesus. Ah, you fucking, oh! You know, it's never easy with you, is it? You're making all the fucking struggle up there.

I've got to, oh, when I get up there, fuck, he better not be up there, I tell you that. If I come up there and he's up there, you're getting walked over. Oh, no. I don't, yeah no I don't know where to go from there I mean that was I can tell you where we can go from there I went to

The other camp I went to the dog concentration camp Already we've compared His new business Do you think The funniest thing to do should get already we've compared his new business do you think the funniest thing to do

because I've been trying I wanted to yesterday was the opening day of the Duggan Bone

and it was open at like 9am and me and my family went to visit at like half eleven I so desperately

wanted to just go to like homework store buy a big ribbon, tie it outside their front door. And while they're in there, just officially open it.

Just put that. I so desperately wanted to do that. That would be so funny. Just because everyone would have been there. Netflix is Daniel Sloss. Oh yeah, yeah. Just post it on Instagram.

And people have been like, I can't believe they asked Daniel to open up the duck God that must have been so embarrassing for him and they're like but we didn't we didn't fucking thank you for Kai

for inviting me yeah thank you so much yeah just handing over a big check the other thing I think would be really really funny to do is put in like a group

booking of nine people. You, me and the rest of the goats go in dressed in furry costumes. That'd be great. Throwing each other a few swings. I don't know what happens in there.

Just what we should do. We all go and trust those bunnies they have to honour the

booking right the money's gone through they have to honour the booking and also they know it's us

it's a quiet day we'll do it on a Tuesday right we'll go in but before we do right we also phone the

police and tip them off that the ducking phone has opened an illegal dog fighting right

and the police turn up and it's just all of us in furry costumes and boxing gloves and like foam machetes fighting right and the police turn up and it's just all of us in funny costumes and boxing gloves and like

foam machetes just beating the shit out of each other like Nelson just having a pint at the bar in a dog costume

like those old shitty paintings of them playing poker together I did say I did say like there was first of all a swing set

which I don't doubt there is because it's dogs and a bar coffee thing yeah I did say there was first of all a swing set Which I don't doubt there is because it's dogs Yeah you can And a bar Coffee thing yeah Bar no Cows full of shit in they

One year ago That man didn't give a fuck about dogs And now he owns a dog daycare centre Sorry sorry I lied earlier When I said that Kanye has had the biggest fall from grace. My mistake, I clearly, I skipped. The biggest fall from grace is a man who on this very podcast can be heard saying the words, I just don't get it.

Like, I don't want to love your dog. Like, I'm not going to love your dog the way you love to. Like, yes, baby, let's open up a dog park together. Not together, it's all hers. But he's helping, he's let's open up a dog park together. Not together, it's all hers. But he's helping, he's, you know. That's so funny.

It's so funny. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's a real, that's a, that happened quick as well. That's like a, surely something like that would take a couple of years of,

Well, yeah, it would take a couple of years if Kai was in charge of it. Aye. But because it was Natalie doing it, that's why it was able To go from like Idea

To fruition To existence It just shows There is Like maybe in Eight months time Kanye's gonna be working In the Auschwitz Memorial shop

What can I say I was wrong I fucking love these guys Grabs one of them Gives them a new Only the mouth Is cut out so sorry

but just bumping into stuff around the museum here's a question for you oh is this a public episode it's Monday

so I think yeah I'll still ask it I'll not be a pussy how soon well I'll ask you a pussy. How soon? Well, I'll ask you a question first.

Have you gone to the Auschwitz Museum or any of the Holocaust museums? No, I don't think so. No, I don't think so. I think I'll remember it. If I did, it wasn't very memorable. I don't know why they call it a memorial. In one ear, out the other. Kathy was shite.

I've not been. I would like to go because every time I go to one of those places, it always, you know, I've been at the battlefields, the Somme in France and stuff. I've been at the war museums. And it's always, like, it's funny how often, like, the comedian leaves your head or is silenced for a bit when you see genuine awfulness.

The voice in your head that makes inappropriate jokes all the time does shut up for a bit and you're able to, I guess, be what normal human beings are most of the time. No, it's there. No, but how long does that somberness last? Because, I guess my question is, how long are you going to be in Anne Frank's? I've been in Anne Frank's. Have you? How was that?

It was fucking hilarious. The fucking thing, sorry, that is a big place. Is it? I was expecting a fucking attic. Like, you know, like up in the attic, it was a pretty decent apartment. Like, I mean, the threat of not being able to go outside and you'll be murdered is bad. in a fucking attic like they were like up in the attic it was a pretty decent apartment like I'm not I mean the threat of not being able

to go outside and you'll be murdered is bad no no no I agree with you man she didn't suffer enough all I'm saying is get him a head sock

get him a head sock we've got to discuss identity get him a head sock before he says any of this it's it's a nice apartment

is all I'm saying what a freezing cold take that is listen I guarantee that apartment's going for like

anti-semitism as well you know wasn't that bad up there I'm not saying I'm saying the apartment itself

I was expecting when I was saying I was sitting there she's in the crawl space writing her diary she was in the j space writing her diary. What? She was in the jacuzzi in the corner. Chris Will is in Die Hard.

That's what I thought for so long. I thought, I was like, she's in the actual attic. Fucking, I guarantee you that's up for like two grand a month at the moment. Or it's a museum. Oh, yeah. Right. Get all the pictures and tell me that that's not a

nice enough apartment stop saying nice you can say large you can say spacious

it's lovely it's lovely I don't know why I find that so offensive there's en-suites there is en-suites all I'm saying is

Nice apartment Don't join in Look It's not full anti-semitism But it's one out of ten It's a little bit anti-semitic To say that Anne Frank's attic was nice I'm telling you now

I'm calling you both out It's a little bit anti-Semitic I'm saying it's not an attic And I'm also saying I'm saying it's everything else is the horror I'm just saying Nice house Half lived and worse

I mean I could step outside So you So you made jokes straight away in your head? I'll walk in the door and be like, wow. I was like, when do we get to the attic? How many is in the apartment though? There was like 12 of them or something, wasn't there? Yeah, it was her, her parents, her brother...

Plenty of room for them! No, that's where it would have gone crap! There was another set of parents who had a son who she had a crush on and I feel like there might have been a... Grandad, I feel like there was an old one, because there was a play... We read the book in school and then there was an old one because there was a there was a play we read the book in school and then there was a play and the play was

the play was well I mean obviously it was set on a stage so I always knew that Anthrax's place was big no it was like yeah yeah

it was pretty grim like if you look out and you're like imagine being it's like do you mind she was just in lockdown more thinking about it.

I'm just, you know what? Get him the head sock! Get him the fucking head sock! Fucking hell. Diaries, push and all. Loads of spelling mistakes. You could tell that they'd taken her out of school because, boy, did they show in that grammar.

I wrote a joke once about it, tell you what she wasn't a grammar Nazi That's for sure Oh no That's very antisemitic How dare you This is awful How did this happen We were just railing

All I said was it was a nice apartment And you all ran my fucking Can you All I'm saying You didn't even You What Didn't even look at the pictures

And you were a fucking Tell me It's not It's not I was told There was an attic That's all I'm saying I was told like

You cough And they were like And look up at the corner because she's choking on fucking thing but really they had a cleaner. Choking on what?

Dust. Oh right, okay. Asbestos. Got a chunk of asbestos in her throat and that's her dead. How far into the Holocaust Memorial

do you think you would get before the joke kicked in in your head? I reckon I reckon I reckon I would be good at the Holocaust one. I reckon I'd be good. You'd be good, yeah.

I'd be on my best behaviour. Not that, but I reckon that would hit me. Yeah. I reckon, I think it would. I think I'd be a bit of a... Just heaps of pictures of people that look like you. Behind bars. Oh, wait, I don't want to wear my Bloody striped pyjamas today

This is the worst thing to do at this time This is the worst thing we could be doing at this time Why can't you guys just be a piece of shit We called him out and then joined us Called him out and then just started then join us this is so awful i reckon with a bit of seriousness now you stop laughing stop laughing about this right the holocaust museum i reckon would hit me because i'd be like oh fuck this is this is not like i made that sound like what I was unaware of all this but I reckon it would be too grim I think I've seen too much films and read too much

about it that I'd end up going like yeah when I'm there I'm like because I got I had it with yeah I thought it I actually found it at fucking ground zero so I thought I was good I will yeah so the crack one on the way out, joke-wise. I had to say joke there. We, like, it was me and Cara, the first time we were in New York, we went to, now, this is a horrible joke, but I'm not going to lie. I've made it regularly because, as I've said many times before, sometimes pretending to be the worst type of person is funny.

Yes, yeah. It's a release of tension. I would always call it the museum of lies. Oh, my God. It's awful. It's awful. Because I think, I believe that to be a truther, one of these people that think, to deny that it happened,

it's one of the worst things to be. Like, this is a very real trial. So to, in private times times pretend to be that technically so i'm making those sort of jokes before we go in we get there and the weight of it all hits you and i'm like oh god i'm like and it's and everyone's quiet and it's all fucking hitting you and i catch myself and i mentally patting myself on the back being like, man, you are on your best behaviour, man. There's nothing that's even occurring to you to make any, this is so interesting

and harrowing and awful but important and it's done so well and beautifully and tastefully and I'm actually enjoying it for what it is and then we leave the exhibit and because it's such a powerful exhibit, just dotted around the museum, tissue paper. And I'm like, I'm on my best paper. And then there's just like a video of a woman jumping out the tower. And then there's just a little, I'm like, who'd wank to that? And I was like No What was that Was that 12 minutes

Was that 12 minutes How long was I Mentally respectful For that Before the inner Horrible thing Came out And went

Tee It's just one of those Ones where Because you do Separate yourself And that's like Release attention You know like

We've done it When you I think it's Same as something Even terrible happens Between like Family members or something We'd immediately

Do the joke because it makes you go all right it's okay all right because i remember like 9 11 was probably the worst thing i've ever seen but like you were cracking jokes constantly a couple of days after yeah you know mine's mine mine's was juno the you you're 9 11 was the movie you know yeah absolutely cracking jokes for it you're like i'll do this job for them you know you said you said 911 was the movie Juno Yeah absolutely You're cracking jokes for it You're like I'll do this job for them You know you said 9-11 was the worst thing you ever saw And I'm telling you

Juno was the worst thing I ever saw Imagine if you Imagine if you Had that on a list How he's going to feel Sorry continue yeah No just You know it's that

Release of tension More than I have to think Nigga it wouldn't be It wouldn't be walking up to Someone who's just jumped off the tyre And go up to the family Yeah, hi, Jesus Sick flip, eh?

Like that's You go up to them with a card Imagine if you arrived Arrived Like a day late with a trampoline I was like I got here as quick as I could

I think you'd get shot I judge rightfully I would shoot myself I'd be like alright I didn't go too far here man has got that's a very

who's that fucking Eric it's a very Eric Andre sketch I think yeah Eric good old Eric

yeah Holocaust Museum I reckon I reckon, because that's pretty much the worst tragedy ever So I reckon I wouldn't even, even if one came out, I would think I would fight against it. Alright

Yeah, you don't say it out loud it's a personal thing because it's for me no way I wouldn't have a couple going yeah and you save them mentally in your head and then when you get outside

to the you know the bit where you don't have to be respectful anymore you whisper them to the people you're with and you go oh oh oh

trauma dumping just like holding in a piss for an entire fucking car ride oh you're making that noise as well. You're telling them the awful fucking jokes. We went to the Battle of Somme.

Not when it happened, obviously. It was just the trenches afterwards. It was on a school trip and we were all in France. Were you there in a windbreaker? Trying to eat sandwiches? We're in France anyway. And they were and man

teenagers who are just going through hormones are not going to fucking be respectful and the teachers are fucking giving you that

stern thing before being like show fucking respect when you're fucking here nightmare setting it up

oh and then we go in and it's like you walk past one graveyard and there's like you know a thousand things and you're like oh that's a lot of people and you walk past another one and you're like oh another fucking in And it's like You walk past one graveyard And there's like You know A thousand things And you're like Oh that's a lot of people

And then you walk past another one And you're like Oh I don't know Another fucking And then it And then it just never stops And by the end of it Like the kids are just naturally

Just like Ugh Yeah yeah yeah Ugh That being said I guarantee in my head I had a joke When I was 13 years old

Yeah yeah I was just like I'm not getting in trouble tonight Not worth the fucking risk Aye No there's not many They don't give a shit about Do you have a

Could you recall The worst joke You've ever told in the moment Whether it's with friends or family The one when Milo's mum died. Do you remember this? No. When Milo's mum died,

I messaged him immediately and said, what's ha ha, your mum's dead and scrabble. Oh God. And he was like, he basically was just like thank you Ryan because I really would have it would have been way worse

if you said you know so sorry for your loss because it's your first for those that don't know Milo became the character of Troy Hawk

and it's very very good shows one of the bits that he regularly does is he can tell everyone what their number is their name is in numbers in Scrabble so that you know,

and he's got a very long, brilliant routine about how all the numbers, it's like a conspiracy theory based on whose names add up to what number and how they're all related. So that makes sense, yeah. So he was, that's another one there. So like, you couldn't do that with everyone,

even all your close friends, they'd be just like thing. But with me and Milo, it's only ever been that type of thing so if i if i broke that at that moment he would have been like he was like i think he told me one day he's just like jesus christ because if you said jesus i am here for you from you guys it would have been weird i would have i would have made me feel like oh god this is real bad yeah yeah well yeah it is that because it just makes it real and there is no sort of life raft you need somebody there to just that was me he's gonna well i mean not to quote myself but it's like you need somebody who's

during grief when everything is changing around you when there's a fucking shift in your reality you need an anchor point you need something to stay the same so even if it's just a small friend who says horrible things to you yeah yeah just go right this is still the same and i can hold on to this and that's the well not the escapism but the you know i guess the staying in place that some people require during i guess it's some of the things was like to people who don't find dark comedy funny because because it is a coping mechanism it's a coping mechanism to deal with trauma and grief or whatever but because it's a coping mechanism other people's one is not this and theirs is crying all the time

or being upset by it or pushing it down or whatever. And they find us not, we find them weird, but they find us evil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because to them, like the worst thing to do

in a tragic fucking moment is make jokes about it, yeah. That being said, I want none of you to have any fucking lol at my funeral. I want it real somber. Real fucking. Real somber day from everyone. I want real of you to have any fucking lol at my funeral. I want a real somber day from everyone. I want real fucking tears. I'm going to be out of fortune and bunting.

I want to be buried with all my shoes. Okay. We're going to get you buried without a coffin so that it looks like you're crowd surfing with the pallbearers. No, I thought you were going be like you know for the environment But just yeah they just dug my naked corpse in the hole Why are you naked? Don't bury me in clothes

Sorry you do get buried in clothes I don't know why you're freaking me out I mean you do get buried but I don't see the point I don't see the point Man just take me back, bury me The coal? First of all don't bury me, burn me Fucking get rid of this, turn me back into Man, we know none of coal Just wait till Christmas, you naughty boy

Hold on, you just said You just said you wanted to be like, what Environmentally conscious and you're like, burn me Rather than bury me No, hey, wait Is burning human beings bad for the environment? Well, I presume so, I presume burning anything is bad. I mean it's-

No! No! Compared to, you could come out, you know, like- I think trees just catching fires, alright, you know. Compared to like most greenhouse gas stuff it's not a problem, but I guess technically- I know, by the way, now that we're talking- So you think that forest fires are alright in Australia? Yeah they are, because they are in the sense that they burn away...

Children, Daniel. Yeah, koalas. No, they burn away dead shrubbery and then it all grows there. I mean, not the forest fires that they've been having recently in Australia because that's because the government fucked up and didn't have any fucking water

to prevent these things. But historically, forest fires... You know, sad for all the birdies that lost that lost their homes but they live in the sky so fuck them yeah they live in the sky yeah that's the house yeah that's the house they just sort of rent branches every now and again as far as that's that conspiracy where are the bodies yeah you never see dead birds you should be everywhere oh because what because fucking cats exist man where's the dead cats? I've seen heaps of dead birds You always find a dead seagull on a beach

Where we lived Oh yeah Aye I would like you know But there's millions of the constant Yeah You know man they eat each other They definitely eat each other

Like they've no loyalty I don't think you have anything to back up That pigeons eat each other Are you joking? I don't think you have anything to back up That pigeons eat each other Are you joking? I don't think birds eat each other We've got footage on our fucking Oh yeah yeah okay in fairness In our garden

Magpie in our garden There was just like a fucking fat pigeon Just sat down in the fucking grass And then Magpie Just walks over to it, just like breaks both of its wings to just to stop it from flying away, just because they're smart creatures, snaps up and the pigeon's like, what the fuck? And then just over the course of five minutes

fucking pecks it to death. Because we kind of didn't, we didn't see this happen live, kind of found a dead pigeon that had exploded. Thought it was like a cat or something. Checked the security footage and we were like, holy fuck, like magpies. And apparently it's very common for birds to just kill each other. Well, yeah. No, I stand corrected because we did have literal footage from a week. Yeah, man. Birds are bastards.

We were talking about Kai's stupid business. That's what we were talking about. Yeah. We were going to ruin it. Yeah. We were going to ruin Kai's dog and bone business. That's what we were talking about. Yeah, we were going to ruin it. Yeah. We were going to ruin Kai's Dugganbone business. Yeah.

It was... You offered to help paint the place. And then didn't go. And then Kai was telling me about it. He was like, I called Colin's bluff. He was like, yeah, if you want any help

painting the place, just let me know. And he was like, sure, what about Saturday? And I could, even though he was all the way in Edinburgh, I could hear him go, oh. I did half-heartedly.

I go, God, he must need some work if he's against the time. So I offered, and I go, like, midweek or something like that. And he goes, yeah, what about Wednesday? And I was like, I'm not going to make it on Wednesday. I have to do the podcast and stuff. I'll be there for like an hour, but it's not worth the travel. And then he was just like, all right, no bother. And I go

yeah I shouldn't have said anything well I mean it's been open for two days now I'm excited to go down and hear how I'm seeing Kai tonight

he's in Birmingham at the moment before me excited to see how it's going looks good I like the fucking wallpaper

made a big difference didn't know what he was going for until that happened And then I was like It's all come apart It's all come together We were through in Glasgow anyway Well we were through in East Kilbride anyway Because that's where my grandparents live

And I found out something horrific That I've accidentally been doing To my son For the past couple of days. Oh. So you've noticed the new bit that I've been doing with Caelan, my French accent. Yes.

I don't know why it started, but it's just for some reason Caelan finds me doing French, not even French, I'm speaking French to him. I'll be like, Bonjour mon petit ami, ça va, oui, oh. And then I would like Tickle him All the time

And he would giggle And he'd laugh And whenever I do the voice I go Bonjour mon petit ami He like gets giggly Because he knows He's about to get tickled

And stuff It's very fun It's Every day Like he's now giving back He's more interactive You can fucking play with him You can beat him up

A little bit You can actually Physically kick him And he can take it In the ribs He's good He's strong He's a strong bit you can actually physically kick him and he can take it in the ribs he's good he's strong he's a strong boy

he can snap his fucking legs I'm doing this with him right and so Cara finds it funny he finds it funny I'm just doing the voice

I like to it becomes a bit of I like to tickle little boys I like to tickle their feet I like to tickle their armpits

and I do this and he laughs and I tickle him all over it's great fun. So I started calling myself the French tickler. Yeah. Do you know what a French tickler is? Oh no. Get your mobile

phone out right now. Get your mobile phone out right now and Google French tickler. I thought I was going to be a Netflix documentary about you in a few years. The French tickler. A ribbed condom. I can't be calling myself that.

Oh, my God. Oh, that's such a fucking... For three days! For three days, I've been molesting my son, calling myself a ribbed condom. A sexual device in the form of a type of condom containing a massaging accessory at the tip as well, sometimes used for sexual pleasure.

There you go. The French tickler. Yeah. There's going to be a documentary about you. And I'm not going to read into the fact that it was my mum that pointed out that that's what that's called. I'm not going to read into that.

Jesus, Leslie. At all. Christ almighty. Bouncing up all over the place. Oh, buddy. Oh, Jesus. Likes a bit of friction this shit Well I can't answer that And I don't want to

Fucking hell I love it Both of you are staring at me This is a Fucking My dad listened to this Fucking Ripping

Just because of your voice I disagree Daniel It's so sultry Maybe we are too close Maybe you're right Right well I mean that's been a funny podcast Yeah

Certainly funnier than anyone I've ever done with that Bong eyed cunt Totally unnecessary Totally unnecessary Absol Totally unnecessary. Absolute swipe. Just because... What, does he treat him like shit now

because he owns a dog place? Just that's it. Yeah, yeah. Well, because it's really funny. First of all, he doesn't know what I'm talking about. His wife, his wife is the business person.

He's helping and that's what's funny about it. Yeah. You're like, I would never, ever help my wife with anything. No, she's always been funny about it. Yeah. You're like, I would never, ever help my wife on that. No, she's always been. Natalie's always been the smart one in that relationship.

She worked in HR before this. She's been headhunted by it. She's a viciously intelligent woman. And she fucks Kai. And that's always been amusing to me. And now she's doing business. It's a kink. I think he's a power bottom.

I think Kai is a power bottom. Kai's a kink Yeah I think he's a power bot I think Guy is a power bot Guy's a fetish A sick twisted fetish Oh god That Arabian princess Give me someone from fucking Blaze Yeah I would like to Just before the end of the podcast Apologise to the Jewish community

The survivors of the 9-11 community The family It really went off Oh it's awful What a hot I'm not I'm deeply worried

That this is not a Patreon episode I'm not fucking I'm not apologising to the Franks Fuck those guys Yeah Nice apartment? You were like, what are you talking about? Frank's hot sauce?

I thought you meant the French. I was like, yeah, your ripped condoms. Yeah, yeah. Right. It was a great ever, last ever podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been a pleasure. I guess off you and I

go to get cancelled god very funny if after doing an entire show about cancelling not being real for comedians I legitimately get

done aye you can't take anything away from me but please don't try Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.