Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.11: Taking a Blitzen

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

Muggins emerges from behind the paywall for the first time in a number of weeks, a very festive episode where Kai finally let's Christmas in, although he postpones it slightly for a discount much to Daniel's disapproval.

Hello subscribers, non-subscribers, this is a public episode, so I guess also to all the people who don't support this, I know, maybe once hour a week is just enough for you, and then you're like, I don't need an extra hour of this shit, which is fair enough. I think we just say worse things, and it also shatters the illusion of who we are a bit more. Or, maybe you're a piece of shit, and you like that side of us, in which case it is worth. But if you're like, what a good pair of cunts these are,

don't pay for the Patreon. Keep the illusion alive. This episode is a good one because he's actually fucking turned up. So, you know, he's back. We talk about... God, I can't remember what we talk about. But we laughed while doing it. And isn't that what we all came to the show today for?

To laugh. I believe the answer is yes so enjoy sloss and humphries on the road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thugging living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head they said it can't be done are we in the same seat? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Look at me on a public episode, man of the people I know Salt of the earth What does salt of the earth mean? What's like the etymology of it? If you salt the earth, the crops won't grow, will they? No, it's salt of the earth mean? What's the etymology of it? If you salt the earth, the crops won't grow, will they? No, it's salt of the earth. That's salt on the earth.

You're just making this field barren. No, no, it's salt of the earth. If I were to guess what the etymology was, I would say from ye olden times when we used to think maybe people came from the mud like it's a Greek thing Do you think it goes way way back? You think it's Shakespearean

you think it's more like Plato I mean maybe maybe because it comes from the rocks maybe it's a mining thing I mean I'll have a Google what's your guesses? My guess is that it's something like farm related

Is that something that happens when you turn 30 by the way can I just guess is that it's something like farm related. Is that something that happens when you turn 30, by the way? Can I just ask? Is that you suddenly become interested in the etymology of phrases? I don't know if it's just because you've become so fucking boring or you just like you've experienced, you sort of just tap out and you finally start paying attention to all the inane stuff that actually comes out of your fucking mouth. And you're like, why do I say most of these things that i don't know the meaning of just it's just it's

just interest in small talk you know yeah it's like it's small it's it's just above small talk for people that aren't into sports yeah um so i i've i've got this bit that i've been like mulling over that like oh it it's a Jesus thing is it yeah biblical the phrase derives from Jesus' sermon on the mount you are you are the salt

of the earth Jesus meant the common people he was addressing fishermen, shepherds, labourers were worthy and virtuous he was alluding

not to the tang of salt but to its value because salt used to be worth fucking loads back in the day like if you had salt on you and you had gold on you people were more likely to be like,

oh, he's just fucking salt. I feel like I could live without it quite easily. Do you think? But then again, I could live with diamonds and gold. Salt's probably more valuable to me than those things. Aye. I also salt everything. I don't know what generation it was.

I think it must have been during the ration times where if you salted something before, if somebody cooked you food. Oh, yeah. If you cooked me something and I salted it before I ate it must have been during the ration times where if you salted something before, if somebody cooked you food. Oh, yeah. If you cooked me something and I salted it before I ate it, would you be offended? It's your food, man. Do what you want.

Right. I've handed that over to you. Do what you want with it. Yeah, man. Everyone's got preferences. I like salt, man. Like, I'll put it, especially soup. Heaps of fucking salt salt regardless of what it is

people like we haven't even tried it I'm like I know but I know me way better than you know me so and it would have been rude if you'd put in the amount of salt that I wanted yeah what and it's what insane guess because most people don't like this because this is probably if I will this is actually the only reason why I do like soup because deep down i just like salt all right put salt and caras funny when you're looking at yeah yeah i thought i would have been way too salty already no no no no it's like um it's like salted caramel it's just uh it's just it just works uh i was thinking about the you know how you become self-aware of the words that you're saying

and why do I say that and where's it from? The bit I was going to look into was the way Chavs, Chavas,

Neds speak to each other. There's always like, you know, if there's like a Dana Nash from the Pigs.

What? Like I'm doing a runner, doing a Nash from the Pigs and the Pigs is probably Orwellian.

No, surely it's just from the, no, surely it's just the Pigs, the rulers. The Pigs, From the pigs And the pigs is probably Orwellian No I'm not Surely it's just No surely it's just The police The rulers Aye The pigs the police Aye

Aye But what's the etymology of that It's gotta be Orwell It's gotta be Animal Farm that So like the fact that The fact that I thought I just assumed it was the fact that

Like In rap songs They call the police the pigs Because it's the PIs But where did the rap Has got it from PI Because it's the PIs Where the rap has got it from PI Because it's the start

Is that not where it comes from originally? I don't think it's Orwellian Why are we doing this without Matthew? We need Matthew rapidly googling And I think I don't think it's Orwellian I don't think it's that fucking deep I think it's just

Even when they go Yeah without a shadow of a doubt Like oh man the fact that something non- go in here without a shadow of a doubt like oh man the fact that something non-tangible has a shadow is is really poetic like where did you come up with that is that shakespeare like i just every time you hear uh every time you hear a ned speak it's always something where you need to like unpick the etymology of what they're saying they don't they don't know it's not an original thought they're just saying the things that they're like they've heard said but all of it is fucking poetry and you didn't think about it because

i kind of want to look into more of them because there's a few but it's a wee scum whisperer around you that's all you want to be in your life just a wee fucking scum oh my god is this a public episode? Yes. Oh, God. Right. Well, the next sentence is going to paint me treacherously. But I'm not going to hide who I am.

I'm too old for that now. My cleaner thinks I'm posh. No shit. No shit. What did it? I don't know, man. She just said to me, do you think I'm posh? She's like, you are posh.

I'm like, how? And I'm like, what? I mean, apart from, ignore what you're saying around here. I can throw that bit. But like me, in my personality, she was like, yeah, you're posh, the way you sound.

And the way you talk. Aye. I was like, surely, but surely this is, because in my head, this accent is just. It's funny, like posh Scottish just neutralises and becomes a neutral accent.

Like, you could say Natalie is posh. I don't even think this is posh Scottish. But I don't hear her as having a posh accent. If she was who she was, but from middle England, she'd sound very different. Wait, who? Natalie, my wife. Oh, Natalie, right.

Yeah, because, like, I'd consider Natalie to be posh, but I don't think she sounds posh, because I think the Scottish accent neutralises what posh but I don't think she sounds posh because I think the Scottish accent neutralises what posh you've got even I can't listen to someone with a

Scottish accent and think they're posh no matter who they are Ian Sterling that is definitely working class that accent no you think

it's that Edinburgh like fucking oh but no Edinburgh's no no but it's the drawled out like it's it's almost heled out... Like, it's almost... He's speaking in slang.

Like, he really, like, eh... I kind of date. I keep trying to date on this podcast. You keep trying to do all accents on the podcast and fail at 100% of them. So, about you being posh, like... I'm not posh. You creep into my life far too much when you're not there.

Right? Because what I do and what you would do is completely different things. And I have to be true to myself and remember who I am. And just don't live my life like you're there. What do you mean by this? Well, the first one last week on the parenting episode was the man on the train speaking to us. I was almost in a huff with him speaking to us because you would have been in a huff. And I have to remember who I am right this was the next one uh i'm in buying a christmas tree because i decided to get on board but later the party but later the party but i'm joining the party this time next year you're not only on a christmas shop

you'll be you'll be you'll be all the way around to them man so I'm not going to dispute that

in case it comes back to haunt us but we've got the Christmas tree in the trolley

we spot like this hanging basket like the hanging basket 7 foot

got this hanging basket that is like the hanging baskets we have

the floral ones we have in the summer The hangar's already there But they're artificial And they plug in and they sparkle There's a reef that lands on your front door And we're like, we're going to spend a bit of money Knowing that all of these are things that can go in the loft And come back next year

And then you'll spend more next year Every single fucking year You're like, surely this must be me Done buying fucking Christmas I've tapped out with Christmas for so long and it's just every single fucking year you're like surely this must be me done buying fucking Christmas yeah you know me I've tapped out with Christmas for so long I didn't go into my family's

use on Christmas day anymore I fucking I used to go abroad just to get away from Christmas just because I couldn't be arsed with it I like I like the time off

I like everybody's off at the same time and having fun together and drinking right I get on board with that I'll have my nights out and stuff is that because you were molested by reindeers when you were young

it might have been it might have been Danza I think it was Danza that's what we saw in Are We Human or Are We Danza it was a monster

it was an absolute monster he's a beast of course he's a beast I'm glad it wasn't blitzed because that's way you're going to be a tat that's more than a red nose

I tell you this man that worked at the shop Daniel you would have hated this you would have fucking hated this I don't know how he would have reacted but you would have definitely you would have definitely you would have

definitely denied him his thing he worked there and he'd come up to us and was like psst oh sorry

sorry how dare you sorry you puppetry in the Christmas tree he's like psst you do you do

pfft over here with your trolley pulls you his little chit sheet and he looks over at your shoulder the man of the people in the sky

and he was like they're going on sale tomorrow you'll save 50 quid off the tree you'll save a tenner off your hanging basket get the fuck

out of my life man get get the fuck out of my life fuck it let's just order them on the internet

tomorrow they'll arrive by Thursday you've got an extra fucking 60 pun minimum in your pocket Get the fuck out of my life. Fuck it, let's just order them on the internet tomorrow. They'll arrive by Thursday. You've got an extra fucking 60 pun minimum in your pocket. I did it. I did it because I didn't channel you. Because I was like, that's 60 pun you can spend elsewhere. On what? On what?

It's just out. Give it to the homeless. I was in a taxi from Birmingham the other day to the homeless I was in a taxi from Birmingham the other day to the hotel and the guy was like do you want

the fast route or the do you want the fast route or the cheap route and I was like man just

whatever I said that because it was on your expenses I'm like man whatever you're going to add on just do that

and then just get with it as fast as possible that one was that like for the M6 tour or something he was trying to add on, just do that and then just get there as fast as possible. Was that like for the M6 Tour or something? He was trying to avoid the motorway. No, man, it's just the way... Look, I don't want to say anything nasty about Birmingham because I did on the last episode

and also I do like gigging in Birmingham. So I think it's only fair to shit on them so much, be kind to them so much. But it is one of the fucking very few cities where you get there and the taxi drivers are like, what route would you like me to take? And you're like, I thought this scam was over in 2010 like i thought we i thought like uber came along and gave you all job perspective and the standard way you know

we're gonna sit in the back looking at google maps yeah it was just like an honesty now but you're still like uh you're like oh man just give me the money you can tell me the price for conning me and just don't con me. Just do that, please. So you turn left on anything even if you don't really need to, don't you? I'll pay the extra £20 for nothing extra. I'll have the little napkin on the back of my seat.

Oh, man, Edinburgh Airport has my favourite feature in the entire world, which is there's just a card swipe machine for FastPass. Just right beside... You can go and you can survey how long the queue Just right beside, you can go and you can survey how long the queue is at security. And you can go, you know what?

No, I'm better than this. And there's just a thing where you, and then you're just passed and through. And oh, so good. It's funny because you're, I don't know how I want to be found. You're not a Tory, but you're super elitist. Yeah.

You're like, you want everyone to have like equal opportunities but except for me you want to have more opportunities I just look I'm all for equality I'm probably like a big fucking socialist and I mean in all senses of the word and I'm also an idiot that doesn't really

understand how it works but most importantly as long as I'm also an idiot that doesn't really understand how it works, but most importantly, as long as I'm above it all, that's, you know, like I want the system to be fair. I want the system that I reside over to be fair. Because I'm a benevolent God. And I have to remind myself,

because we tour together so much and I spend so much time in your company. Are you saying I am contagious? And I am like, on your tour, I'm saying that like, I have to remind myself who I am when I your tour I'm saying that like I have to Remind myself Who I am

When I'm in these situations As I'm taking As I'm taking The Christmas tree Out of the trolley This is why I This is why I like Being high

During the day Because like Every single time I'm about to Enter one of those Interactions Whenever I'm high I'm always just In a better mood So I'm just like you know what let's get let's be Kai for a day I'm like all right I'm like bore me with your inane chat yeah great day it is raining

it is raining what a fucking astute observation thank you so much for wasting my fucking time while I bought this fucking gum what a fucking great thank you so much for wasting my fucking time while I bought this fucking gum what a fucking crit thank you so much I'll give them it I'll smile I'll wave it you know I'll wave at babies

I'll say hi to dogs doesn't doesn't do anything for me but no no I think what it does do it makes my ego feel better because my ego goes

about those people who think I'm dead nice now and that's that's the old if any of my fans were watching if any of my fans were watching if any of my fans were watching this

oh man there's sometimes it's not the real me man I get worried me and Cara went out yesterday to the Edinburgh Christmas markets

and you know just having a couple of drinks my parents were looking after Caitlin so we're having a bit of fun and I go up to the bar

she goes to get some fucking obviously pancakes with chocolate syrup on them because she's 12 years old and I obviously go to the bar

because I'm an alcoholic and I'm just at the bar and I'm having a, man, I'm having a great day. I'm out with my missus. We've got like some time off from the baby.

We've had a couple of drinks. I'm in a dead good mood. I'm not in a miserable, dour, fucking, fuck the world why am I outside? It's Christmas,

my favourite time of year. I'm genuinely happy. I'm just standing there. Right, a bit high, obviously obviously ordering my drinks and uh I've clearly just been smiling I've clearly just been smiling out loud not just in my head like I normally do like it's actually because in my head you know it's like you get somebody to be happy with the rest and bitch yeah with the rest of bitch face in the, with a rest in bitch face. In the same way that like, you know, sometimes when you watch comedy and you find it really funny,

but you're not actually physically laughing. Oh, yeah. And if people were watching you watch the comedian... They're just swirling away and just enjoying the mechanics of it. You're like, no, no, I love this. It's great. And when I repeat...

Looking at it like it's a piece of fine art. Aye, but when I repeat this later on, I'll find it as good as that. And it's in my voice, you know. And I went up to, I went to pay and the girl was like,

you don't have to, I'm a big fan of your comedy. And I went, well, don't do that. Here's the money for it and just put it in the tip jar.

I mean, a little moment. I was like, thank fucking God. Thank God I was in a good mood on a fucking good day and she didn't just get angry fucking

and Sarah placed me and get angry fucking Sarah plays me Oh save me before then I Jesus Christ. Can you know I Go through the airport the other day and I was just like I am so glad nobody else lives in my head because I think it's Why people are who don't know me? Well are under the illusion that I'm a nice person because if you hang around with me enough you know what I'm like my constant inner monologue in an airport

the number one thing in my head is just desperately wanting to shout out what does the fast version of this look like what is the efficient

that's who I want to be I want to be able to go through and just just so you all know I do you know what I do actually know how to run this better than everyone be like, just so you all know, I do, you know what, I do actually know

how to run this better than everyone in this fucking room. And if you were to give me the time, I would tell you one by one how to do your job. But I just, I can't, I can't because

I'm a Z-list celebrity and that status is important to me. I can't, I can't risk it. You've got no stoicism with it either. I do when I'm high. I had one where I went, it was a fucking dirty kebab shop on Oldham Street as either. I do when I'm high. I had one where I went, it was a fucking dirty kebab shop on Oldham Street as well.

I was going for fast food. I didn't have time to sit down. I had to get there. And I ordered my food and the fucking people come in. So I'd ordered it. I'm waiting for it. People come in, order their food. They get their food, leave.

Somebody else comes in, orders their food. And then when it comes, it's the exact same thing I ordered. So I'm still waiting for me and gets it and leaves and then a couple of drunks come in and I had to join the queue behind the drunks

to get their guy because I couldn't push in on drunks you're going to get fucking into a fight I don't know how it works in the kebab shop on a fucking Saturday

you should have told them to go there and kick their heads in because you should have been able to take two of them if they were drunk I could have I could have

battered them. Well, like. For a kebab as well. Well, with the women. Yeah. Okay, so you get four kebabs out of it. I don't want to get battered with a handbag when I'm churning a dude, you know. Them days are behind us.

You've changed. Fucking traitor. Grown. And I was like like what would you have done then because you're you're not going to push in on the guys

there walked out you would have just walked out and just ordered food somewhere else yeah absolutely I'm like

you've already got my money and I'm like and wasting my time is already an insult to me I'm like that seven quid or whatever that was fucking

fucking have it if that's the price for standing in your shitty fucking shop you couldn't have just went that's the price for standing in your shitty fucking shop. You couldn't have just went, rejoin the queue, remind them you exist. Depends.

Man, really depends. Just listen to these drunks just trying to get an extra chicken nugget and then get it. Like I'm always, after gigs, I always find I've got way more patience than stuff like the get what,

it was when I was in New York. I think it's because like- Your patience bar fills. Well, of my ego has been sated like my it's it's it's been it's been gluttonous on the attention of an audience for like 90 minutes and then people meet me afterwards so i'm just begging fucking happy and myself for one part during the day so i'm just like and now that i full, I guess I'm allowed to, you know, I guess other people are allowed to be happy

around me now that there's no more left for me. Either that or just the fact that my audience keep me waiting and I'm like, man,

do what you gotta do. I don't even know why I'm standing here. Is that why you struggled so much during lockdown because you never had that like constant top up of morale?

I think so. Yeah, man. You're trying to get it to like twitch and shit like that and it's like it's not coming well i think it was i think at the time i didn't know that's what i was missing whereas now that i'm aware of how i work a little bit more and how my brain works like had i known at the time that i was just desperate violently desperate for attention

i would have been able to be like oh, that's why you're doing all this stuff and then logically ignore it. But, I mean, at the time I was like, this is who I am. I think it's fine to crave attention. If that's what energises you. No. No, it is a disease.

It's seen as, it's definitely seen as a negative to be an attention seeker. But, you know, if you get your energy and motivation and you get that from attention, then to go looking for the thing that charges you up and refuels you shouldn't be seen as a negative.

No, I think that's a very nice way to look at it. I think it's more like indulgent. It's more like, you know, people who overeat because they've got some trauma. So whenever they're feeling down or depressed, you know, it makes them feel good about themselves i think it's you think it's like smoking yeah i think it's no no no you shouldn't you should never crave the thing it's not a good thing if you're craving it and you're doing it too yes you're doing it too much and people are

addicted to it you're not doing it you're not doing it because it's like a smoothie you're not like oh it's a it's like a workout it's a it's a more negative thing it's for your ego it's to make you feel you know well it's not to make you feel but it does make you feel like a more important and and and yeah i mean that's why you know it's the it's the fucking it's the switch that exists in our head and other people and it's a disease it's a fucking disease i think you can repackage that that's what i'm called that's what i'm calling spinning these days i've spun spit i've spun the word i've spun the word spin every every single person that wants to be famous or is famous i'm like what happened during your childhood because i bet it's something. I like attention but I'm not insatiable.

I can be satiated with attention. Aye. Uh-huh. How much? Give me a ballpark. Give me a, sorry,

give me a venue. If we fucking stay at this gets 40 likes I'm like, that'll do. That's enough to get you through the week? Just do it.

Yeah, I want. What, what, right, okay. You're stranded on a desert island. And there's a phone, but it's only connected to Instagram. There is a theatre, which somehow is a live audience. How often do you need to perform,

and how often do you need to tweet to survive? I'm gate crushing the movie with a reel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're watching a Marvel movie and I can use my Desert Island phone to insert myself in their life and let them enjoy the movie.

I wouldn't even pick up the phone. Because I, yeah. I'm always just like, I do it to amuse myself, not for attention. See, because that's why I don't think I could ever fucking quit this job. I think I like fantasise about quitting occasionally. One day I'll just stop. I think it's a lot like,

it'll be like weed where I managed to stop it for like two months and I'll be like, I'll just do a little gig. I'm just going, I'll do a five somewhere, then I'll do a ten. I definitely. And then like two months and i'll be like i'll just do a little gig i'm just going i'll do a five somewhere then i'll do a 10 i definitely like two months later i'm like how am i doing a full french run yeah i definitely do it for the sport i often wondered that like if a comedian won the lottery like how much would that change what you do would you still go because i mean i don't well put it this way I don't do the circuit anymore aye but a comedian that wins the lottery

that doesn't mean they can tour aye the thing is comedians become millionaires and keep gan and that's because their audience

has developed and grown and give them the money so the millionaire like the audience member watching an arena comic looks at that millionaire and goes

aye put him there aye with my because I like him I find him a arena comic looks at that millionaire and goes i put him there with my because i like him i find him funny i'm invested in that like i've done that like i've crowdfunded that millionaire yeah right like literally crowdfunded that millionaire right but if you just become a millionaire and you're a comedian that happens to be a millionaire you still have to do the clubs, which are, like, they pay anything between 150 and 200, maybe 300 quid. I think at that point,

you probably don't do the clubs. I think at that point, you actually focus on doing the gigs that are more likely to get you famous. You're not doing the clubs because you're trying to make ends meet anymore. So you're not doing jongles. And obviously, you know that you're never

going to get fucking discovered at, you know, jonglers. Yeah. But, like, you still enjoy the laughter of going to, like, a know, Jonglers. Yeah. So, but like, you still enjoy the laughter of going to like a good, well run comedy club, like Hot Water or something. You'd want to go in there and enjoy the synergy with the crowd. But also like, I reckon you kind of have to change your set.

You kind of just be like cut and run just talking about you know like if if you're just a a day to day observational comedian and you're observing life from

the point of view of the people that are sat in front of you no you're not no you're not you'd have to you'd have to have millionaire banter

aye well it's like like Louis CK when he was just doing jokes I'm like motherfucker I know you own a yacht like how how are you own a yacht like how

how are you still pretending to be mad at the people I mean how loaded do you think Lee Evans must be loaded aye

he his kids probably don't have to work aye I reckon I reckon he's there aye erm

so normally on the podcast I'll bore you with what I've been up to for the last couple of days since I last saw you but I've been working on your stag for the last couple of days mostly

and I hit a sticking point because I needed your measurements you know when you're about to propose and you need the ring size of your partner so that you can propose to them without them realising. And that's quite hard. It's way harder if you need someone's chest measurements.

Well, I mean, I did get... I'd just got measured for kilting and everything. And now I've got their measurements. I managed to get your brother's measurements for the rest of you. Because Cara said that his were the same. I thought you meant Matthew and not Jack Matthew so Cara had like bits and bobs I needed for you like your height and your weight and shoe size and that

and then Matthew had, like she had off Matthew that but I didn't have your chest measurements as you're wearing your kilt like Simon Cowell just run your nipples I mean they do go boob tube kilt they do go up there

they go to there I mean they're they're high upon you so I had to I had to do that and then just like just nothing mate arms up

I think I'm changing Caelan's nappy and I just assaulted you with a metal tape measure and I didn't even have fabric on just to get a ballpark but it's it's been

it's been very fun organising this I've been quite anal with it I've got spreadsheets coming out the wazoo I'm not looking for I hate

hate surprises so very much there's nothing I hate more in the world and surprises but your your whole MO's Christmas

yeah but that's not you're a Christmas guy yeah yeah yeah you can't be like I'm Christmas guy I hate surprises give me my presents now but I'm not the one

getting surprised don't even don't even wrap them I'm not the one getting surprised I don't like Christmas because I get presents so hang on hang on

you hate surprises but you love doing it to other people that makes you a bad person. Aye. Oh, yeah. Because that means you're inflicting a surprise on someone.

Absolutely, yeah, yeah. So, but like, surely a surprise is nice, because that means, Nope.

somebody has been thinking and talking and doing about you, like, doing about you, thinking about you, talking about you, and doing about you. I don't know why that doesn't work linguistically, but it should, talking about you, and doing about you. I don't know why that doesn't work linguistically, but it should. Behind your back, that is everything you were talking about before,

like structure ego. Even when you're not there, even when you're sleeping, people are just busying around, just doing stuff just for you, just for that day when it comes and you're like, ooh. It's people. It's that thing of just nobody knows me like I know me. I'm like, you're like It's people it's that thing nobody knows me like I know me and I'm like you're going to get it. Like first of all

if it's a surprise with good intentions even then I'm not fully comfortable because I'm like am I going to have to put a performance on here of whether I actually enjoy this thing or is it going to be an actual and if it's a surprise on the other end the first thing in my head is,

revenge and whence it's coming from. Like, how do you, how do you, how do you return this? You know what I, I just don't react well to them. I think,

I think it's because my birthday's 9-11. I think that's why. Is that why? I think this is happening with age, you know, with you. I don't think this used to be who you were. I think,

because remember, I'm going to put a date on it it I'm going to put the date as 2013 When you lived in the other house Is this when I organised my own birthday? No, no, no That was very funny though Right When

Everyone was having a party at your house Yeah And you were going to be the last one there Because you had the latest show And we all went downstairs and we turned the living room into a venue with a mic and a stage and everyone was sat

and as soon as you walked through the door we'd done a welcome to the stage Daniel Slosson ran set list and you walking into your own house lit up and did a set list now if that happened you would be like what the fuck is this you're embarrassing us if you re-watch that video i leave the room for about 30 seconds and you keep clapping

and that's the only reason i come out it's because you wouldn't like you would not let the bet end you wouldn't let the bet end until i went on stage that video is a video before i do stand up is a minute and a half long and a minute and 15 seconds of it is you all clapping until i actually come and you put up resistance yes oh wow that's not how I remember it I know man I remember that as you just like oh look at this

oh man this is really funny do you know I remember fucking years and years ago there was that time at the Fringe where my mum it was the first time

we'd all made the fucking the connection of me looking like Beaker from the Muppets and on the last day of the Fringe my mum got the entire audience to do it

like to have little masks of beakers for me to walk out to the Muppets theme tune and Marlene helped them organise it and it was all very very funny I fucking hated it I put on a fucking brave face because I'm like fair enough, pranks on me

but never ever ever fuck with my work again So what was the show? Because that would have been really inappropriate for X. Before X. Was it? What's it? Oh, wait, that is so, I'm about to gear change and you've got to go.

I think it was. From going from fucking beaker masks to the reveal on X. It was dark. Oh, so even still that had a yeah but way at the end and also you know

no no and you know it was so funny I made I made do but no man I've I've never enjoyed

like I can put on I can put on a brief face for some of them I'm not I'm not worried at all about the surprises upsetting me in Vegas

because I literally couldn't give a fuck. In fact, they just seem to have way more currency now. I think you're grand, mate. I think you're going to be happy, mostly. Everyone else is going to be happy, and that's what you care about, isn't it? The happiness and enjoyment of others. I mean mean that's a good way to go at me But I mean but no

I am just organising A swell time for everybody And you're just coming along for the ride Yeah I mean I trust I trust you Here's the genuine thing I trust your taste To 19 to 95% to 95%, right?

But it is that 10% I'm worried about. It's the 10%. I'm like, because it's not just like the 90% that we overlap on. Oh, boy, do we overlap. I'll enjoy all of those things. That 10%, though, that's also where my line is most of the time. But also speaking on the 5%, isn't that five

percent of things that i like and you hate uh-huh weirdly strip us isn't it yeah oh i hate the strippers but i forgot how to drink oh you can because uh normally like you've got a lush bar really well stocked every time i'm here i've got the car So apart from the rare nights Where I stay over I kind of just Go in and just Tanya bar Yeah

But I've got the train Off for the Edinburgh gig And I've been sat here Having a fucking cup of coffee Like a mug Right Fucking idiot Absolutely

What do you I was thinking this On the way about What do you What do you say When people ask you What you want for Christmas Well I'm a nightmare

to buy for aye because I've like a cat always says it's like anything I want I just get for myself and also like

because I remember last year did I not get you like these fucking custom made gloomhaven fucking card carrying things right

which is like a thoughtful gift of something you didn't know existed and all that right so you've got everybody just scrabbling around looking for that gift for you don't you like that one like everybody which is a good thing because sometimes i do get dead thoughtful gifts like that like

can i think she doesn't get me good presents but like i mean look it's very different to like several years ago where you and me used to fucking rip hard on jean because she was like we would buy things without putting any thought into it and we would rip on her because she would always she would take something sentimental over an iPad and we were like why would you not want an iPad? Now that I'm older like I anything that kind of has put thought into it or any one of my friends

when they put like even a tiny bit of thought into their fucking gifts you're like oh this is way better than anything else. I do like those and I do I mean I'm very aware that my problem is I don't show gratitude well. When someone's put loads of thought into a thing, you're like, oh, cool.

Yeah. Next. But everybody's getting me thoughtful things. I can't just... No, I think it's just, I think it's because, you know how I said earlier, like, smile internally. I think I'm like, in my head, I'm very, very grateful. And I think that just comes

across whereas you actually should be very vocal about your gratitude as opposed to being like they know i'm grateful they don't want a grateful guy i have it's just on a pile of stuff over there uh yeah that that thing with gene because i remember i just fucking i think i rode hard on gene at the time about like i've literally bought an ipad for a girl i've been with like i would put a yeah i think like whatever it would have been at the time about like, I've literally bought an iPad for a girl I've been with like every year. I think like whatever it would have been at the time, like 500 quid or something. Well,

like there's more than enough to spend on someone you've been with for a reasonably short period of time, even though I knew I was going to be with her for a long time. I was committed enough to buy an iPad. And he's a magpie. What do magpies do? They get shiny things. Shiny things.

Collect shiny things, collect them, give them to the other magpies that they like. And I'm different. You know how a girl can get excited about an expensive bit of jewellery that costs thousands of pounds? For me, if I got some jewellery that costs any more than 100 quid, I'd want it to give us fire resistance, plus five strength.

I want some kind of magical quality with my jewellery if it's getting into the realm of hundreds and thousands. Yeah. Right. So if I spend hundreds on a thing, it's got to be able to fucking do something and have a functional thing. So like I'll buy electronical stuff for people like that. They can use.

Yeah. And then Jean was giving it the whole, I know, but it just looks like you have foreign money at it. And I went down I was in Brighton the weekend that should give us grief

and I fucking rooted round and I just ended up buying this like glass ornament with like a the glass was like coloured like a heart

inside of it it was just a paper I wear it I don't know it was like fucking 45 quid for something that didn't do anything

it kept paper don't use your shoe do you have any papers you can run around I'm having a nail just nails anything yeah kept paper don't use your shoe do all the papers you can run run have a nail just nail

nail your notes to the fucking table like Jesus it's wood have a baby what put a baby

on it oh I see I thought because it was a woman's job to have a baby oh no no that's

that's not what I meant but it is. Guess what? What? Wait, well, you know, there was not a point to this. There is a point to that. Guess what?

What? The iPad isn't around anymore. Oh, right, okay. It's got a new iPad now. An iPad bit the dust. Yeah. Guess what's still in my new house? And it's done three journeys to three different places

Natalie yes she is wow and guess what isn't flying around everywhere people because you bought her a hammer and nail

it's very rare on this podcast there's a story with a moral at the end well that gene is right. You just sometimes have to wait 10 years to realise it. I don't, see, the thing is, I don't like being hard to buy for.

Because in my head, I think I'm dead easy to buy for. Because I think always the best way to buy gifts, and you can use this attitude in a number of ways, which is you always buy something that they would never buy themselves begrudge themselves yeah yeah

because like so for me for my dad I'm very good at buying presents for my dad because my dad's man my dad's in his mid 50s like

it's all of his kids have grown up he's a big fucking nerd right doesn't spend money on himself right and if he does it's computer ship

I buy him a big Lego set every Christmas right because he's not going to buy himself he's never going to buy fucking Lego he's never going to buy fucking Lego but if that was to better anybody that would

it would be a dad yeah it's a thin it's a thin line you're like just fucking get the Lego you couldn't so I buy it for him

and he's like oh great this will take like two days and then he gets to put it up somewhere it's great but you can also do that

for me I'm like because Gene was like you're so hard to buy for I'm like Gene buy me anything buy me silly golf balls because I would never I'm like because jean was like you're so hard to buy for I'm like jean buy me anything buy me silly golf balls because I would

never in my I'm never in my life going to buy myself the stupid little things that you do enjoy day to day a golf ball that

goes as you hit it charge by the way I'm fucking painting that if it hasn't been invented already

golf balls that make a noise when you hit them. I think they definitely have. I feel like it's against etiquette in any way. That place golf would hate the idea of it. Yeah. It's very funny. I mean, I feel like they must have just done everything. I mean, you've probably,

you've been golfing long enough to be, having gotten got by the, like the dust balls and stuff or the water balls or like prank balls. Ah, no, no,

no, I haven't, I haven't, I didn't even know they existed until now. does your, does your, does your father-in-law golf?

No. Oh, well then. But my brother-in-law does. Em, I think I'd go over his head. I don't think he'd get it. I think he would just be like,

I guess I just smashed that. Yeah. I knew that existed. Why did you get that thing? And also I noticed the difference. Do you think I'm a fucking I think he would just be like I guess I just smashed that yeah I knew that existed and also I noticed the difference do you think I'm a fucking idiot like when you give us

a lift back you kind of reverse back just as I get to the car handle as well which is never not funny unless it's happening to you when it's the worst yeah always get

someone always get someone something that they'd begrudge themselves and that could be smart man but why people fucking picking

makes man people wouldn't you know this is this is one thing that Natalie always talks me out of getting Garvin

I know I'm right I know I'm right a fucking job lot of protein bars he's not gonna Garnet and buy himself a fucking

shit ton of grenade bars but he would love it if he could whack with his come out and fucking grab a grenade bar out of his cupboard. He'd fucking love that.

It might only last him until February, and he'd have no to show for it sentimental value-wise, but how am I? Aye. My blokes. Why am I buying a piece of paperweight? Fuck off. And I still haven't done it yet

you know what this Christmas he's got his protein bars I think yeah I mean that means because I was just like oh no

get him something because I I like some sentimental gifts from some people for example like if my my friends

give me pictures of my family's give me pictures of like their kids and stuff. Well, that's, yeah,

this is, I love this person. And I was thinking to just get a picture of them myself and stick up. So thanks for, you know, made me do it. Like if you were to give me a picture of Peggy, I don't know what I'd do with it.

So I thought, it would be caked in spunk. Caked. Before you gave it to me you'd have like crushed it and said smear it off

it's still wet chip it off before I just wrote over your joke I do apologise what one? you said before you give it to me yeah

I was too busy on my flight I fancy a boot chip and spunk and crush it off so that you can wank off it and I realised that the reveal was it was my spunk and crust and stuff so that you could wank off it. Then I realised that the reveal was it was my spunk.

Can I just enjoy a joke that Colin did the other day about, it was on the last episode, the last public episode and he went, you just take me out the back and if you have birds fly out of a tree in one gunshot then I'd walk back in with a gun. I don't know what happened in the next five minutes after that podcast

but I laughed. I laughed over all of it i laughed over all of it i'm starting to do like a dave plus one on my own podcast yeah but that that for me was like as a as a listener was just like oh that joke was for me, that. I enjoyed that a lot. Was that not, he went out to kill me, and then went out to kill himself. You went out to kill him. Yeah. It was the bit, like, he was like, oh, if I ever do that, kill us.

Just walk us up to the back of the house, and all Cara hears from inside the house, it was like a Langley of Lanes. And then he walks back in with a gun. K plus one yeah there we are just in case you didn't enjoy it last week yeah how about this bit

that Colin and Daniel bit but instead of Colin doing it it's me doing it I'm like I'm like fucking reaction videos like I'm gonna be unboxing unboxing a fucking shoe next

listen to the new Eminem track just kind of reaction videos to shit that he doesn't even watch he just recites you're good at gifts because you bought me stuff that I still use now

what? I use my coffee machine every day oh yeah yeah but I've got I also have the luxury of

I'm able to I'm going to buy gifts because I've got heaps of money and I'm able to just be like what obnoxious thing would you

never buy yourself you're welcome I know what I'm getting you for Christmas next year because I've not been good this year it's too late

this year oh okay I've got you know how you have a big window uh huh I'm going to get you some artwork done on there I'm going to get have not been good this year? It's too late this year. Oh, okay. You know how you have a big window? Uh-huh. I'm going to get you some artwork done on there. I'm going to get your window painted while nice and fancy for Christmas. Oh.

I'm going to get you Christmas decorations for Christmas. Okay. Because that's, like, for your family. Aye. You know? I just feel like if I try to get it new, like, getting a booking in in short term would be, like, I'd probably get it new, like getting a book in in short term would be like, I'd probably get it done by January because everyone's booked.

All those window painting guys are busy. And I've got connections now with the Duggan Bone. Why? So I think I'll get a window done next year. I think it's going to be different this year. But next year, I reckon. Well, no, this year's gift could be not doing that you didn't want that

no I mean Karen the kid will love it I think I don't know it depends what the art is like I guess that is custom

you can choose you can like ask what you want it to be it's like snowman with a reaction I've been watching that on Instagram doing the windows

and it's been like the fucking Hulk with a Santa hat so this is a thing because this is the first I've heard of it I mean normally shops that get it's been like the fucking Hulk with the Santa hat so this is a thing because this is the first I've heard of it I mean normally shops that get it done

because they're fucking turning a profit and that aren't they oh right but my house gives you John Lewis vibes is that what you're telling me you're posh man

listen to your cleaner listen to your cleaner she's got you fucking nailed on I can't imagine how unbearable it must be to some people who listen to this podcast

oh people who have fucking given you the last To some people who listen to this podcast Oh People who have fucking given you the last three quid And listen to how fucking frivolous you are I don't know Whoops I drive an electric car though So you know You're all welcome in that aspect

Yeah That makes you less posh Well no But just I'm doing something You know For you know Others Environment

What do you do in the way of no but just I'm doing something you know for you know others environment what do you do in the way of charity work I give I give what do you give some not enough

for tax purposes but that's because you're looking around the room for inspiration I don't a wallpaper people's houses

I can't afford wallpaper I don't I don't I can't afford wallpaper I don't I don't I don't give enough I don't give enough away To charity for tax purposes And that's because

I think giving enough Away To charity for tax purposes Is a bit fucking sneaky And it's just a way To get like Yourself more money But no

I'd I give Outwardly To Anonymously To things Over the course of Because I get I get wealth

guilt I have seen you do that actually I've seen you helping comedians who were struggling financially to do the fringe and I've seen you step in and just get a bit of financial support yeah you know if I can make some these problem go away I'll do that and that's why I get to act like an asshole all the time that's my

justification to myself as long as I and it's not for other people it's always for me that's why I always make sure

that like I'll do well I mean I'm now talking about it on a podcast so I guess I am getting some

fucking ego stroking out of this but you do it like it's not bad to look for attention man

no no but I think it's like you can just do you can do for me it's like I don't go to confession no no but I think it's like you can just do you can do for me it's like I don't go to confession I'm not religious right

I can't go into an office and be like alright here's the cunty thing I did today and I'm really sorry about it because I've self-reflected on it or here's a couple of hail mary's

have your fathers whenever the fuck you smell your ma's whatever the fuck it is right but what I can do right is if I've had a week

where I've been like alright I've been a bit of a cunt this fucking week or a bit obnoxious or a been like alright I've been a bit of a cunt this fucking week or I've been a bit obnoxious or a bit like I can go to a charity

where I can see a thing I'll be like I'll give to that or I'll give God imagine it worked the other way around imagine I just was like well I put on

Fight for Cain I filled the food banks in the North East I'm going to go with my gigs I'm going to punch a granny it's in the bank it's in the bank

it's in the bank I've got it but it does nullify the Cain thing straight away so that is the thing

it's spending it's coming back down you can't fight for Cains with one granny yeah I get at least

two grannies however no because they're old and frail no no you don't get two you get one old and frail but you can go full swing two grand however nah because they're old and frail no no you don't get two you get one old and frail

but you can go full swing two grandads alright but they're allowed to hit back yeah one game

is two fighting grandads that's that's the trade two really fucking jolly fucking ex-minors

no I mean all grandads are ex-Miners, guys. All adults are X-Miners. Yeah. That has got to be the most well-trodden joke format ever, is to play on the word minor into minor. Here's an interesting, boring fact for you.

Did you know, in the first Harry Potter movie, at no point does Harry Potter actually cast a spell? Is this a fucking... Hang on. Is this because the first Harry Potter movie chronologically is Fantastic Beasts? No, no, as in Harry Potter and the First Beast. Right, you know.

Because I would have been fucking wounded. I would have been fucking wounded if you were like, well well I think you're fine no no not that he doesn't cast a single spell not even

Expelliarmus he doesn't even learn that until fucking that's two does he like miscast a spell

while he's practising and trying to learn well well well. No, saying this, I've not actually double-checked this, but I've seen it, and then I went up to Cara, and she was like,

oh God, do you know what? Actually, that could be true. So he gets the broom up, but like, brooms just fucking do that, if you know the right words. So does it not count as a spell if like... No, it's a branchical item, so it's doing the thing.

It would do the thing. Hold on, hold on. Muggles can use... I'm going to... Muggles can absolutely use... So broom's a technology, it's not a magic? Yeah, no, it's a magic broom. But it's not...

It's not, but it's not... No, no, it's not. It's imbued with magic. Aye, it's imbued with magic, so it can work for... They just, why would they use it? So you don't have to do like a spell in your head, like you know how in

Dungeons and Dragons some of the spells and cantrips and all that you don't have to say it

out loud at doing action is that right yeah semantic I think

no that's definitely wrong you've got a lot of nerds turning

their grave right now they're not dead that's just where they're sleeping because they

all think they're vampires just being cosplaying where they're dead. They're not dead, that's just where they're sleeping. Oh, because they all think they're vampires. Just being cosplaying while they're sleeping. Right. Is this like the Harry Potter thing? Is this like when people go,

I think you'll find that Ned Stark never said, brace yourself, winter's coming? Hmm. Because that's... No, I'm fine. I mean, I've not checked, but... It's like, you just take that, don't you?

You just accept it you're like well Harry Potter's a Christmas film so people will be watching it and they'll be able to get back and

I don't know how I feel about all this what like people being like dead cool like Rocky's a Christmas film

Die Hard's a Christmas film and all that like it's Christmas in the film aye but no no no but I also man does it mean Lord of the film aye but no no no but I also man

does it mean Lord of the Rings films or Christmas films that to me that to me I know like people are gonna get fucking

it's like me eating my boogies again people are gonna be like die hard to Christmas film man what are you doing what are you talking about you're like I would like

it doesn't I'm not gonna be like oh it's Christmas put fucking die hard on but I'd go on it's Christmas put like Lord of the Rings

has a much more Christmas feel to it I think people think I think that's such an insane thing for you to give leeway on and then fight the corner off that's it

that'd one be it one be it and I'm like you're like Die Hard not a Christmas movie eat my fucking ass Lord of the Rings

of course that's a Christmas movie it's got elves in it I don't I don't think it's a Christmas movie it's got elves in it I don't I don't think it's a Christmas movie if it's Christmas in the movie what

so elves not Christmas movie no elves a Christmas movie why because it's a movie that was out at Christmas

for Christmas I don't know why I'm dying on this hill yeah dying hard on this hill it's not a horror movie it wasn't out at Halloween it's not a horror movie it wasn't out at Halloween

it doesn't go it's not a horror movie it didn't come out at Halloween aye but aye like it's just the whole Christmas movie

is surely something where like you get the family round and you watch it and you feel the spirit of Christmas does Die Hard and Rocky do that or does that just

so happen to be set around Christmas? I don't think anyone says Rocky's a Christmas film, by the way. I think you've... Oh, no, no, no. This is the latest. It's the latest one. No way.

It was Die Hard a few years back. They've got Rocky now. But it's not Christmas at any point in that movie, is it? Mm-hmm. I'm watching it. I think it's so shite, man. I think Rocky is piping hot shit it's class because of that it's class because of that it's got its own thing going on oh

you know what you've done you know what you've done right you've took the slice of cheese off your fucking delicious hamburger and went this isn't real cheese this is a craft slice he's like aye yes enjoy the craft slice it's part

I mean I get what you're saying but and also one and two were real cheese by the way yeah

three barely past as cheese yeah yeah yeah and four it's American cheese it's American cheese cheese whiz that you put on

yeah Philly cheese steak we took it full circle Cheese waves that you put on. Philly cheesesteak. We took it full circle. Right back to the Rockies from Philly. Oh, I see what you mean. Full circle. Sorry to be a Grinch. Which, by the way, Grinch is not a Christmas movie.

We both belong in Muggle Corner for having Die Hard is a Christmas movie banter slash debate. That is 100% Muggle Corner. Aye, straight in. I think that's what bristles about it mostly is that people are like, Die Hard about it? I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to do it.

But it's done. Could we edit it out? We could But we're not going to People are very vehement About it though Are you getting your Concubine anything For Christmas?

You know what Last year we didn't And it saddened us a lot Oh yeah We just met this Like little pack That were like Like don't even

On Christmas day go Oh look I know Sid we're not getting anything But he has a little Something little We even Like went layers Deep into like

But Devon though Like even though Ha ha It would be funny It saddened us That we didn't get Each other anything So you're doing

stuff this year I haven't yet last minute getting a guy leg well because I think we've said we're not doing it but now that you've said

it saddens you and we both like Christmas I just think we're both fucking lazy and again I feel for Cara because

difficult to buy for I mean I'm not what are you getting at so I can get us something better and bigger like I did what with the fucking machine you know you didn't buy a better one I think I don't know like it was industrial I don't think for coffee isn't that I'm just one of these

little household ones for your kids that you know is gonna get well she wouldn't let me buy an Iowa I mean I've I want it to get a full fucking margarita machine you know what I think I've done I think I sent it back didn't replace it

with anything it was like as soon as I realised I already had one I sent it back it was like right yeah chance

well I'm out of ideas then bitch well the money's just landed in my bank what do you know it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone it in me bank and what do you know? It's gone. It's gone. It's gone.

I'm cooking. It's up on us. If you've got money to waste or spend, you can spend it on my new old special socio,

which by the time this is out will be available on my website. Oh yeah, it's out now. It's out now. So make that worth my while.

Imagine how it is. I will become jaded to this industry and then I will become jaded to this industry and then I will leave it they gotta be so gutted when

they had one hour on their commute right and they went an hour that day I'll watch Muggins and Cream talk to Nain Pish

crack the worst die hard joke I've ever heard in my life where the punchline was literally the film title in fact

the fact he's even calling it a punchline I'm devastated you got to work in a bad mood and then right at the end of the film they could have been watching a special that you worked really hard on to end the world with and then i wouldn't i wouldn't have had like a level of production valued of it i wouldn't say worked really hard on oh they worked hard on that tour it was the it was the last two tour before We worked really hard Yes aye So everything

Pilsen and Patterson Cause eh That was It was the It was the last show you did Pre Netflix wasn't it Yes And then after Netflix

Got released That was the X tour Yeah And that's the one that went on Forever and ever and ever Yeah well I'd done X During the French And then in September

It came out And then Then it just... Yeah. So anyway, I'm now way home from work. All right, go watch my fucking special, you berks of shit. And I'm busy programming a bit of a tour,

like, not even a tour. I'm not going to call it a tour, because it's not. I know what a tour is, and this ain't it. I'm putting in a few solo shows. There's going to be one in Liverpool, one in Manchester, one in Glasgow, working on one in going to be one in Liverpool one in Manchester one in Glasgow working on one in London

the one in Newcastle sold out already follow us on socials for new for any of that information but my website's going to be up and running before Christmas

and I'm also going to be releasing Punch Drunk for now which will be on my website bye