Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.12: Hungry Hungry Hypocrites

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

Cream battles through man-flu by cooking up hypothetical revenge on anyone who ever so slightly wronged him. Muggins should never have left the factories as he finds his calling in wrapping gifts. The pair discuss the concept of true altruism.

Hello listeners of Sloss and Humphries on the Road, that's this podcast. Thank you for tuning in to another episode of us just talking about fucking inane shit that goes on in our lives. You know, not one of those podcasts where you're like, I'm going to learn something today. More just, I'm going to find out what these two people who, for whatever reason, I've decided to invest my time in getting to know and following the work of over the years. Let's see what they're rambling about. I'm ill in this episode, but then the coffee kicks in,

so I don't think, you know, we talk about it, but I think outside of that, you probably wouldn't have noticed. And, I mean, I'm going to be honest with you, I can't remember what the fuck we talked about, but I remember it was funny, and I remember laughing at it, and at the end of the day,

isn't that what this is all about? Enjoy. They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? This is why we need trade unions, mate.

I've got you coming in on a sick day here. I thought you were hungover as fuck. No. Why would I? What was I doing last night? I don't know. I was looking forward To the story I was like We knocked on you

At the time we said we would And we had to ring you to bed And then you dragged yourself To the front door Looking like that And I was like This has got to be Built of this

Oh Yeah Remember the sniffles That I had in Croatia Aye Aye this is still them Aye Looks like hair fever

Aye It's gone It's it's it's gone more towards behind the nose right now like one thing i've noticed in the past couple of days car has been dismissing me way more because she's assuming i'm high when i'm not actually high you can't really tell when you're high. Aye, but one of the notable things is occasionally my voice does go a little bit lower. Aye, your eyes go a little bit redder. Monotonous.

So there's just like earlier on in the day, I will now display those symptoms and Cara will be more dismissive in the sense of, ah, that was really interesting. I'm like, no, no, I'm still here. I'm engaging with you. Not well. Acknowledge me.

I promise, yeah. I'm also doting about our son. It just sounds monotonous because there's some bugs living behind my nose. dwi'n dal yma, dwi'n ymgysylltu â chi. Nid yn dda, gynhyrchu'n i. Rwy'n ymrwymiol, ie, rwy'n hefyd yn ymddygiadu am ein mab. Mae'n swnio'n monotonaidd oherwydd mae rhai bach yn byw ymlaen o fy mhyn, rwy'n sori. Mae'n swamio i fy mhroed ac mae'n ffocio'n fflenu. Fe fyddai'n ffitio'n ffitio, mae'n dechrau droi i ffwrdd a phethau hynny ac fe fyddai'n dechrau cael firus zombi ac mae hi'n dweud, ah, mae'r ffaith honno, mae'n ddwy. Oedd hynny'n ysgol? Ie, rwy'n meddwl y gallaf ddeall, rydych chi'n bod yn dweud, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy'n deall, rwy Was that the edible wizard? Yeah I mean I can understand You'd be like I probably didn't need to hear that That was probably just some whimsy

First me being like no No I've just got I mean And here's the thing I don't even feel that Bad But Apparently I look

You look like shit How was your Wednesday night party That you had? Because I mean it was literally Just me and Caelan I thought Craig Hill was coming

Oh that was Wednesday, sorry I don't know what day it is today You do have that about you Sorry, the Wednesday party with Craig Hill was very good fun It was just me, Craig Gareth and Cara because

Laura, Gareth's missus was also ill and is also due to give birth within the next two months. Heavily pregnant. Aye. So, like, it's one of those times when it gets into the last, I don't know. I think it's like the last three weeks is when it's like. I don't remember, mister, like a trimester, but closer. I'm trying to think of a word. What would be closer if it was in French? Soissant. I was trying a trimester, but closer. I'm trying to think of a, of a word that's close.

I was trying not like French on their try. I'm having a bad one here. It's a good job. We've got a producer here. I tried to pick a bigger number than try, which just means three quads.

Huh? Quads. Quadmester. I was trying to get on higher I quite always I think that is French It is French But it's not the right French But also

Try isn't French Try Quad I think that comes from French No it comes from Latin So what would be the What would be the fifth If you can

So if you can By Try Quad I reckon it would be Cinque Quint Cinque

Quint It is It's definitely It's definitely married to the French language like I'm thinking we will do this one I think eventually you'll get the soissons fuck that anyway just towards the end well yeah so she's just at the point where now like any any sneeze could be a baby so it was just a few of us having drinks, and that was fine. And then just gradually since then, every day,

it's getting worse. Yesterday, Cara went out for a fucking work stag do, or whatever they're called. Work stag do? Yeah, you know,

when they go out for work. Where a job majors with another company? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a big send-off for them. Well, she goes, I mean, she was very excited, and they were all very excited to see her

because she's not been at work for fucking you know 10 months because she's been a bad kid so it's just me and Caelan and look I know

that I'm a good dad and I know that Cara thinks I'm a good dad but that doesn't you know I could be the best dad in the world

but she's still but it's just me and Caelan in her head I think and maybe this is me projecting I'm like she thinks I'm going to have a fucking rough time here

at bedtime she knows I've got the rest of the day sorted because I can cook for him I can feed him we go on walks together we fucking play

she's definitely worried about how much rougher I am with him when she's not there so she thinks the door's going to go and click and you're going to be like bam bam, bam, bam, bam. Bam, just playing whack-a-mole with his face.

Well, yeah, yeah. One more whack-a-mole. She doesn't know, but she doesn't like how rough I am with him in front of her, which means behind her back. I'm obviously doing worse. And to alleviate all of her fears, I am. I'm throwing him around the place and we're wrestling. I'm learning the durability

of my own child it's an important thing the way men must learn but and man we can watch TV together I can bath him

I can change him I can deal with his you know he doesn't have tantrums but whenever he does I'm fine with him sleep time I don't have tits

I don't have tits like at that moment just because of the peloton he doesn't need he doesn't need milk to sleep it's literally just a soothing thing it's a fucking

one hand on base he's like this is my fucking go to you didn't you didn't did you didn't have to

turns out did you put a nipple in your 10 month boy's mouth didn't have to turns out this cat the second his mum leaves the door

he's like alright well fair enough I guess it's just you and me then I guess I'll just be sound none of that shit's gonna work on you i can only manipulate that bend yeah we were in bed together i'd given him his bath right and we were in bed and he sort of cried for a bit wandered around looking for his mum for a bit and i was like buddy she's not here and he was like she's

not coming back okay then well i guess i was out to get milk yeah maybe that is why he maybe that is why he slept with me He thought I was sad Because she wasn't coming back You know what he was Maybe he's saying He made it be She's left

This is Look this is going to hit me hard But fucking He pangs after her He's fucked He's crying He's trying to suck my tits You're trying

You're trying to get milk Out to kill him To pacify him Maybe He does what I do with you And pretends to be asleep because I'm bored. Oh, you think you invented that trick,

do you? We did that with a comedian one time. Maybe we both were in Adelaide. Oh, God! We went out on a bit of an excursion overnight. We couldn't get a word in edgeways.

And we're both pretending we're dead high and fell asleep on the couch. And I was like, I wasn't even tired. I was like, listen to that fucking chap at yours. Oh, God. And he went like, I'm laying down. So both of us tried to have a fucking good time. Just lay there on the couches, both wide awake.

Happier with our own thoughts than being a hostage in that situation. It was so excruciating. He was such a serial fucking compulsive liar. Their lives were outrageous. And they just got worse and more unbelievable. And we'd change halfway through. You'd change city in the middle of a story.

Aye. And think that we wouldn't notice. One time he was telling us about this said truck deal that him and his friends were doing back in the fucking 80s

it was in Melbourne or something wasn't it and then it ended up in the garden of unearthly

delights and we looked at each other and we were like that's in fucking

Adelaide you can't get from the Melbourne CBD Adelaide in that short period

of time and none of it fucking added up but he also had like

there's a he had like there's a he had like liars delight you know when people you know somebody's lying and you can see and they're fucking beating little lies

but they're enjoying getting away with the lie and they enjoy getting to tell the story it was very much that because we you know

this guy was offering us like basically a free place to stay down like on the beach he's like you know my friends have a friend own this fucking beach house

we can all stay there and we're like great and then like 45 minutes after being in the car together we were like oh this is what have we done

a multi-level marketing fucking scheme we can't get back aye we can't get back we're at the Mercy he's driving and it's his crib

do you want to know let's just sleep through it or oh we did he also had weed and this is Australia's very hard to get fucking weed in

because this was back in like 2013 14 something yeah we didn't really know anyone I don't know anyone we just got stoned

you and me were having fun being high in a supermarket until he came and took it way too seriously and was like you guys are too high. You guys are acting high.

You're like, high? That's because I'm high. I'm high, isn't it? That means I'm not even acting high. If I was acting high, that would mean I'm sober. So which one am I? You're accusing me of being sober if you think I'm acting high.

I'm not, but don't get me wrong, I am acting high in the sense that I have been looking at muffins for 12 minutes. I'll give you that. Like, I am acting high in the sense that I have been looking at muffins for 12 minutes I'll give you that like I definitely look high in that sense but do I look high because I'm hiding

behind a bunch of mannequins being like the headless people have trapped me and I don't know how to get out of this part of the supermarket or am I just going to

munchies you dumb cunt like what I'm method acting in my so we finally get back to his have the worst time of our life

will not mention his name because I don't think he's a real comedian I think he's painfully unfunny and also it means I can't tell the following story

which is years and years and years after that another comedian who we know well kicked his fucking head in oh yeah

I heard about that and I was like I didn't even need nah the story I didn't even need nah what happened like kicked his fucking head in. Oh yeah, I heard about that and I was like, I didn't even need none of the story. I didn't even need none of what happened. Like, he could have been in the right

but I deserved it. Yeah. That was back payment. Oh man, like the stories went around and they were like, by the way, did you know that so-and-so

kicked the shit out of so-and-so and I was like, fuck off, there's no way that's true, I need to hear this story. And he was like, yeah. And they were out

at an establishment together and they were saying things towards each other. One of them didn't take it as well as the other one, called him out of sight and went, sure thing, and then just punched him a lot up against a car. Yes. I had a fucking, it was again Adelaide Festival, it was a different one though,

where everyone had put their bags in the same spot. It's just the artist bar, right? But it's Adelaide, so the artist bar's outdoors. There's like a stage where there's maybe a band on or whatever. And everyone's just chilling, but everyone's chucking their bags in the same spot. And me and Egan, we'll get our bags and we'll fuck off. We'll go into Rhino Rooms or something.

I've ended up in the middle of Melbourne somehow, haven't I? With Hi-Fi. And he fucking storms in and starts shouting on that with lefties bag and I was like for what and I wasn't

at the fucking cloakroom collecting raffle tickets you cunt like you're a grown ass man look after your own bag like

like I'm not like there's a fucking about 20 bags there I'm not gonna fucking get everyone's and take them with us

to ride no rooms on the off chance someone's gonna chase us up being a cunt and I was like in three like I can't remember the last time anybody's fucking shouted us as an adult without getting broken up with or punched or both

i do agree like it's one of those uh i don't know i don't think i've i don't know i mean i've definitely shouted but I don't think I've shouted like at another human being not without being willing to fight them like it's a

I think like man to man raising your voice is the equivalent of slapping on the face with a glove it's like you've fucking made a jewel i don't like like i guess like me and eras were voices to each other it's never going to come to blows but we know each other's boundaries but i don't think we shout at each other though no just our other music it's in the middle of the nightclub well i've had it before where people around have thought that it's going to come to that. But I've never felt like it's been close.

But just in that situation, though, like fucking shouting at a bloke, I think that's just a start in a fight. That's the first punch. I don't even think I'm mad. Do you shout in your relationship? No. Not even over the music? yeah I always take the smoking area

and have a firm word in it yeah I don't think I've shouted at Natalie I can't imagine I've never shouted at Natalie it's such a it's such a weak way to get what you want.

It's such a fucked up way of viewing the world to just like an internal level of, if I'm the loudest, then I must be right. That's basically, whether you think that's what you think is what your subconscious thinks, because that's how you act, which is if I just shout and piss and moan I'll get it that way

because that's you know that's how I get things and don't get me wrong I mean and some of the times that works because a lot of times

people shout and people are like just get the cunt what he fucking wants like stop him shouting I think if I was really upset with someone I think I'd get quieter

yeah I'd just I'd get quiet and I'd choose my words and I'd fucking consciously try and keep my heart rate doing I think I'd get quieter yeah I'd just I'd get quiet and I'd choose my words and I'd fucking consciously try and keep my heart rate doing I think it's like

a loss of control to start fucking shut up man have you ever read the Red Sun by Mark Miller yes

graphic novel if Superman landed in Russia yeah so the whole storyline is if that happened there's a side story in it which is about the Green Lantern

and he gets captured by the Vietnamese, during the Vietnamese War, obviously, and he's locked away for like three years. But the reason he's the only person that survived the camp is because in his head, while they were torturing him and while they were trying to break him, he was just imagining building his own torture camp where he could torture everyone who was currently torturing him.

And he built it so meticulously in his mind that if it took four hours to dig trenches in real life, mentally, he did four hours in his head. If he needed to sleep, he mentally slept, all this stuff. So for like 18 years of torture... Why is this so like you? Man, this is what? what's in your red hoodie anytime somebody fucking wrongs me like the alcohol silent i've just been like i wonder what i wonder what would be the most effective way to hurt you for the longest because obviously people

just and i'll never do these things, the therapy is, the doing it is me going, well I'm obviously not going to hurt you directly first of all because you know, I need you to experience pain, that's what I'm trying to share with you here it's what me and Carla spoke about in one of the podcasts

I think Law Abiding Citizen is one of those movies Is that not the one where he takes revenge too far until he's the bad guy? Does he? Does he? Is there not collateral damage? Does he take it too far?

Do innocent people not die? And he's like... Well, do they? Does he not blow up a car and there's fucking somebody else that wasn't involved gets fucking caught up in that? It's been a while since I watched it, but I just remember there being like...

And that's what I thought was great about the film because you're fucking so rooting for him all the way through it but there's a point where you're like oh he's the villain now like yeah but innocent people die in non-justice so I guess they also have to die in justice you know that's the argument they'd use so that one was for God yeah absolutely that was

for the balance of the universe and now that person's loved ones have got their own and it goes on and on and on until that was a good film I think I do that in my head because obviously there's nothing, I'm not a violent person in any way so my brain just goes let's just mentally flex this out

and then during that time the person's like you're really calm and it's like man it's because I sorry the reason I'm calm is because I just beheaded your whole family right there the stuff I just did to the corpse of your gran is fucking horrific you can take as long

as you want to serve me all you'd like because I have done some heinous shit to you in the past hour I've only been standing here for a half an hour

feel free to take longer I'm having the time of my fucking life you know when babies or kids or toddlers make pretend to have a kitchen

and they've got the ala car kitchen and all that are you like that but with revenge and just serve it cold. But you're not really, you're just pretending.

Well, because the thing is, I can never actually do these things. I can never actually carry these things out. But, here's the thing, I understand I wouldn't, I wouldn't have the capability to actually carry out these

evil acts myself. But, would I be able to describe those acts to someone and then pay them to do it? Probably. Morally, could I deal with that? Have you ever come close of paying for someone to get battered?

No, I don't think I've ever come close. Have I fantasised about it regularly? All the time. It's my number one go-to. Because I know people who I'm just like, I reckon if I were to give you a grand, you'd find somebody who was willing to just find yeah of course of course when i if somebody cuts me off in the middle of the road i'm like just just remember just remember the fucking license plate

work out where the fuck he lives and then just pay someone to go to that man and not kill him but just really beat him up, really beat him up. And then in his ears whisper, don't cut people off and then leave into the distance. But then I obviously don't do that because one, otherwise people are going to be beating the shit out of me every day for cutting random people off. But man, I would be lying if I didn't think about

the thought of paying someone to beat someone up at least 25 times a day. Yeah, you'd be such a villain in a Black Mirror episode. Oh, God, yeah. You know, if there was just like a button you had that you could electrocute people and they didn't know what was happening or how it was happening, but you were doing it. And you would fucking be just zapping people all of the time.

People just trying to live their life, not even realising they're doing right. They'd be like, what the hell? Well, they didn't can't see me GP. Man, I regularly, like, I understand. When I say I have to talk myself out of this thing,

I don't have to put up much of a fight. It's an easy thing to talk myself out of. But I regularly have to talk myself out of sending people death threats. Aye. Yeah, absolutely. Man, when I finished watching.

How would you send it? Like, would you do, like in the like would you do like tweezers and glue with bits of magazine in that I mean

you'd have to because I mean if you want to talk about how I've actually really thought about it I think the the most insane way to do it

because I was telling Elliot Steele about this I was like here's my really awful dark illogical fantasies where I'm just angry at the world and I just want to stew in my own head

and do my own perverted version of justice. It's just, there's somebody who we both hate. All I wanted to do, and I thought about this for weeks on end, was just to get a phone, right? And everyone's got his number, we all know who he is. And just get a bunch of different phones with a bunch of different SIM cards,

and just every day I'd go for a two-hour walk with my son, and in the middle of that walk, while he was asleep in the forest, I'd put the lock on his chair, I'd walk about 25 feet away from him, I'd take my rucksack off, and I'd get 25 phones out with 25 different SIM cards, and I would just text this guy,

I fucking hate you, you're a piece of shit, you're awful at stand-up comedy and nobody likes you. Send, snap, throw away, take a new phone out, you're a fucking piece of shit

and if I ever see you leave the fucking house to do stand-up comedy and just do that, just snap those phones, throw them away. Different numbers. Different numbers,

just three things that's coming from a bunch of people. Nah, you wouldn't know that was coming from one person. But even, but no, no,

no, no, no, but even, but even then. I thought that was going to be person. No, no, no, but even then. I thought that was going to be way more sinister when you took your baby into the woods. I thought you were filming his hard drive. No, no, he's just, he gets relaxed in the woods.

You just get to sit on a rock. Everyone just thinks you've been walking your child. That's where that came into it. Yeah, but Elliot also at that point just, he was like, man, I don't think they triangulate things and I just like I think if you speak to any woman

who've actually been sent death threats before the police don't do anything they never do but the thing is I never again

you never actually do these things you do the fantasies of these in your fucking head just so you can get the minor feeling of like I've done it

and then be like oh but then this would happen and now that I think about it of course I wouldn't do that it's like I feel like you can get the minor feeling of like, I've done it, and then be like, oh, but then this would happen. And now that I think about it, of course I wouldn't do that. It's like, I feel like you burn off the rage and then the morals of it seep to the top of being like, but obviously you're not going to do that because that person was actually an innocent bystander in the thing. You know, of all the fights I've been in,

I made a count a while back on my phone, right, in the notes of how many fights I'd been in, and it was in the 30s, and I reckon since then I've maybe had another six or seven. So I might be knocking on to 40 fights. None of them have been in cold blood. If I've been instigated in the moment and ended in the moment, I don't think I've ever went out and fucking got someone. I nearly did. I had one where I was at my mum and dad's house. moment and ended in the moment i don't think i've ever like went out and fucking got someone i nearly did i had one where um i was at my mom's dad's house i'd been i'd been moved out but i was there

right and my sister had been living with a friend right and that was her first house when she was about 19 or something and her friend's boyfriend and mates practically just moved into the place and were like living there as like these fucking squatters just fucking teenage lads just gotten empty and my sister didn't like living there felt like a stranger on her own home come back my mom yn byw yno roedd fel swyddi hynny yn ffocon ysgwadau dim ond ffocon dynion hynny dim ond cael eu llenwi a fy mab ddim yn hoffi byw yno roedd yn teimlo fel ffodd anodd ar ei gartref yn dod yn ôl i fy mam a'i dad ddim yn gweld eu llawr ac yna fel wythnosau yn ôl a'u llawr wedi'u rhannu ac maen nhw'n ceisio gael fy mab i'n llawr am llawr ond roedd hi'n ffocon i ffocon nawr i ddiwedd y dydd mae hi wedi symud oherwydd ei bod wedi cael ei ddynu oherwydd mae hi'n cael ei ddynu oherwydd ei bod wedi cael ei ddynu

a'r ffocon lad yn cyffwrdd â'i ffôn a'i ffrindad yn cyffwrdd â'i ffôn a dechreuodd siarad â fy mab yn y gair yna mae hi'n gwybod ei fod yn llawr mae hi'n rhaid i mi ddynu ei llawr ac roeddwn i'n dweud gwnewch fy ngwneud rwy'n dweud rwy'n a mate's lad rang the hoose phone and started speaking to me dad guy in there just do you know who's our rent just got to pay our rent and I was like put me on I was like I've got our rent and he was like

well come and give us it if it's new I went I'm on my way mate I fucking knocked on Rouge and I just went I'll wait to chin some cunt and fucking pulled up the hoose

Rouge I need red money Rouge Rouge how much you got how much you got man crack open the piggy banks right I got

I got the one at Gav's room turning up to these guys trying to how much was it he has next month he has a down payment on next month and going back

and going fucking hell I'll be bothering you next month if I tell you that's the boys dealt with father. Don't you worry.

Anyway, we need to move guys. Don't ask any questions, but we need to move house. At least change the landline. I just fucking went and tell them the money was in my pocket.

I was like, if you want the rent, it's in my fucking back pocket. Help yourself. And I was like, do you want it or not? come and get it if you want it, just fucking let it go. But like that would have been probably the closest, even though I was still fucking pumped from being on the phone to him to get to his house, that would have been the closest I'd

been to like actually fucking going after someone. I think the closest I've ever done is I've angrily followed another car for like two minutes and then be like, what's the, what's the end goal here, Daniel? What is, what are you, what are you actually going to do to that 45 year old woman? Yeah, all right, yeah. Can you remember the conclusion to the Benidorm acid spiking where we found the guy who spiked us with acid and me and Barry went up up and asked him about it and practically got like oh you admitted it you've got to admit it but like while this was happening like a couple of the doorman and that were floating around and he was clearly connected and we realized that we were absolutely out of our depth with this situation and we're attacked while we were just going well you shouldn't do that that was really mean yeah Yeah. Let this be a lesson to you. Don't spike people again.

Does this door lock from the outside? How does this, or the handle goes the other way? Thank you so much. So me and Barry like stumbled up and he was just some dude on a night out and then realised that he was actually quite connected and then whacked away

and Barry just went, well, we send him home with a flea in his ear. Very funny. Anyway, should we batter someone? Just for the crack. Can we just briefly talk about... I know I don't say... I know I say I don't watch the news much. And one day, you know, I want to get better.

I want to be more engaged in the world, I guess, just to know what's going on. Donald Trump selling NFTs. You haven't watched it for a while. Ah, shit, is this a new thing? Yeah. Donald Trump selling NFTs is the funniest thing in the entire world.

And I can't believe that it's happened. And it's this weird moment. They're not even NFTs I think they're just trading cards like you just pay them and get this it's $100 for like this little trading card. Digital trading card again very important to point out there

digital trading cards of him dressed up as Superman firing lasers out of his eyes this was like he had a big announcement to make and everyone all of his fans were hoping that he was going to announce that he's running for president because his fans obviously don't want it to be DeSantis and DeSantis's fans don't want it to be him for the republican primary but then also people don't want him to run because if he runs as an independent he'll split the

republican vote which would be ideal um so and all of it and there was and all of his cue and non-believing fans are just consistently waiting for him to announce something where he's finally fucking taken down the pedophile ring. But what's been happening since he's not been president is... Has he started... Like baseball cards. Top Trumps. Top Trumps.

Did he even realise that? No. Did he even realise he was doing Trump cards? No. He didn't even play on that it was trump cards? Nope, nope. He just... Oh, but like...

No, no, but... I've got so much to say about this. So, first of all, remind me about the video he put out with it. So, he's a grifter. Look, he's been a fucking grifter since he was 21 years old, right? And now America is really good

at harbouring grifters, right? It's a nation that started... Define grifter. Grifting is, it's the American version of fucking freedom. If you're so stupid that I can get your fucking money off you, then welcome to the greatest country in the world. Well, if I can convince you that this thing I'm holding here is so important that you give me all your fucking money,

then I'm just a good salesman and welcome to fucking the freedom of capitalism right grifting that's what it's what 90% of Joe Rogan guests are grifters

it's your Stephen Crudders it's your Alex Jones it's your I'm just going to get famous and then I'm going to peddle this fucking stuff off the back the liver king

is a grifter all these so many of the right wing faces you see grifter yeah okay I get it they're all grifters

it's just hey I'm going to become famous what about the guy who boxes everyone the Paul brothers Jake Paul he's see grifter yeah okay I get it they're all grifters it's just hey I'm going to become famous what about the guy who boxes everyone the Paul brothers Jake Paul he's a grifter

Logan Paul yeah it's all it's all grifting yeah it's all get to a level of fame get to a level where there's a

mass amount of people that trust me and then sell those fucking idiots whatever the fuck I can sell them for as long as

fucking possible because that's how I'm going to get my money and again this has been every business in America and it's what the founding principles of of what started uh all of the people that went to that country and helped it be shaped into what it is fucking now um now Trump's version is selling photos online that aren't even they are NFTs

they do have blockchain he's's calling them cryptos. He's grifted his way to the present in the next stage of the world. He's the greatest grifter that ever lived. And for so many of us on the outside, when it was so very obvious a grifter, you just had this man who lied and lied and lied and lied. And you felt insane

because people were like, no, he's telling the truth. And you're like, do I live in a different reality like his is is is truth just this arbitrary thing that we've all made up and for four years we all don't fucking live like that and then now all of those assholes are going he's he's selling us what all the people that believe them like man it's the most angry it's the most back i've ever seen from has he has he lost a lot of the following off that because i don like man it's the most angry it's the most right back I've ever seen from the people has he lost a lot of the following off that

because that's I don't know it's hard to say that's so funny if that's the thing that lost everybody well man they've all sold out

what they've all sold out ah there we go no but what do you mean sold out yeah unlimited yeah yeah

aye it's sold out in the sense that you know you go okay aye ladies and gentlemen I'm performing in this venue and we've just released the tickets for the what do you know you go okay hi ladies and gentlemen i'm performing in this venue and we've just released the tickets for the what do you mean you just released you weren't selling the whole venue to start with no no we weren't i didn't i didn't mean to sound like an old man here but i don't want to lose a piece of an art and a power cut mate oh no it's that'll

be there in the blog man it was so funny It's so funny because we all agreed six months ago that NFTs were a scam. Like that kind of, like the NFT thing was like a year ago. And then about six months ago was this, everyone went, it died out almost instantly as everyone went,

all right, we all made our money. That was the first MLM scam at a crypto fucking lever. Every time there's a new level of something, there's always new scammers that will go into that thing and they make a killing off the front bit of it because this is when it's all new and that's what happened this new thing came along scammers were like let's do this scam nfts existed they disappeared we all agreed that nfts were a scam nobody's buying them anymore and then donald trump like fucking slowpoke is just like Donald Trump

NFTs I have had an original idea yeah this is and not even not even to fund his campaign not even to not

hey this is so I can become president and do the right thing again it's like hey just oh it's so good to watch how much was an NFT going for Matthew? 99 bucks wasn't it?

yeah 99 dollars but you could buy like buying them you entered into sweepstakes Oh, it's so good to watch. How much was an NFT going for, Matthew? 99 bucks, wasn't it? Yeah, $99. But you could buy, like, buying them, you entered into sweepstakes to get some rewards. You could have dinner with him. You could watch him eat a well-done steak. Oh, nice. Yeah. You could watch him eat it.

Yeah, yeah. You could go play golf with him. Yeah, you could get a Zoom call with him as well. Did he specifically say, watch me eat an overdone steak? Well, no, but Watch me eat overdone steak No you can have dinner with him But it's a known fact That he eats well done steak With ketchup

Spend a memorable evening in Miami For an exclusive dinner hosted by Donald Yeah And just bring you and any of your 15 year old friends Oh my god it's like it's amazing people are still

hanging on to them like does anybody still support Conor McGregor millions because I loved I mean it was no fucking

like secret that we were dragged along by that fucking hype train and I loved it. This guy was coming along, he was talking a good game, he was kicking fuck with the people

and I was there for all of it and like as people that had been in the UFC before he come along, it was really fucking good watching him just bring more people into the sport. All of a sudden,

I can talk to more people about UFC instead of being underground and then he just started being an absolute prick and me and you were just like, oh, and Cody was just like, oh, you got us?

Now I look like a mug? You dragged me along and now I'm here? Like a fucking super fan and you're an absolute fucking prize bellend? And now I'm scared to be a fan of anyone again? I'm about to be fair, maybe that is the lesson. Aye.

Aye. That's that, I really fucking love that opening line from George Carlin. anyone again I'm going to be fair maybe that is the lesson aye aye that's that em I really fucking loved that opening line from George Carlin when he was like fuck Tiger Woods

and while I'm here fuck Lance Armstrong and at the time they were beyond reproach and then one of them cheated on his wife the other one

done blood doping and cheated and all that right but it was before that and he was just like don't tell me who to love I'll decide who I love and it was just like you can apply that to so love I'll decide who I love and it was just like

you can apply that to so many fucking people who are just hyped up and sensationalised and then they turn out to be fucking bellends and you're like I just thought

it was fucking mint that during the hype he was just like nah fuck them I'll choose my role models I don't think I just think there's so many people

like the event I think so many trump supporters still are just people that already belong to different cults and cult mentalities and it's kind of just like you know like a water bead going down a car window absorbing all those other things i think it's just like and then that's the friendship group when they've never had friends before yeah so like even if they even if they do feel like what they're doing is wrong they kind of disassociate from this group because that's where they belong and the phone belonging in a place that's got absolutely fucking no logic i hope he runs for president again i hope he doesn't get the if he if he doesn't get the republican nomination it would be the best thing because by the way that's the only way biden's

winning the only way biden's winning the next election is if Donald Trump doesn't get nominated as the Republican. Biden's approvals are rocketing. They're really high right now. His plans to legalise weed and all that are genuinely...

But Matthew, the man is dead. I know, but the amount of under 30s voting for him is swinging it really hard is it aye I die I just it's that now you're

younger than those two who there at all in all of America America has to appeal for someone someone where able to run fuck off

that's not nearly dead is that too big to ask I can pick up what you're saying we need a YouTuber you want a YouTuber in? Yeah. Can't be worse.

What about Ninja? Get Ninja in? Oh, sorry. I said Ninja the YouTuber. So I was like, why the fuck are we doing early 2010s no-fielding comedy here? Get a Ninja in and a unicorn. Get a samurai to just surf a rainbow.

And then something about owls It always ends up Back to owls When they've been random To the point that It's not random anymore Is Ninja still streaming Yeah

He had a deal with Like Mixer And then they Went They just disappeared So I think he just Did switch He's been around a while now

Has he not been like Outreactioned by the younger generation Because that seems to happen With like I think he's like Fallen off a bit Like But I think he's still He made milk in a while now has he not been outreactioned by the younger generation because that seems to happen with I think he's fallen off a bit but I think he's still he made

yeah yeah he made he got trained yeah I mean realistically I know people think they want

like a fucking you know legacy I want to do this job whatever their job in the arts or their entertainment is I want to be there

for fucking 60 years uh uh come in burn brightly get out come in do what he did come in whatever their job in the arts or their entertainment is. I want to be there for fucking 60 years. Uh-uh. Come in, burn brightly, get out. Come in, do what he did.

Come in, be at the top of the game for five years, earn 150 fucking million, be kind of known for another 10 years after that, and then nothingness. Fucking, can we call it the Lauryn Hill? She was in the Fugees,

totally smashed it, released one of the fucking best albums of all time, Miss Education of Lauryn Hill she was in the Fugees totally smashed it released one of the fucking best albums of all time Miss Education of Lauryn Hill and I was just like ta-ra how's that

I think so that was literally one of the best albums ever made I don't think she's met another one I haven't really looked into it

what happened to her but like she just burned Brighton and seemed to be very funny if you're like and she just I think she just raised her children she just left the industry and seemed to be very funny if you're like and she just

I think she just raised her children she just left the industry out of her own accord and then you google it and it's like nine more albums

yeah yeah her family were brutally murdered after the release of her first album and she spent six years Lauren Hill

I should have looked into that before I fucking waded in with her but I felt like her career was just I know what, she ends up like Dynamo She's just like fat and talentless now Out to her, she's fucking done her career

She gave her product to the world And then just decided to get fat and talentless Just class, loads of money Yeah, I mean there's like no YouTube videos or anything from her That have come out past like 2010 No, she's still alive, aye? Yeah, looks like it Fucking Just peak man, just instead of dying at 27 and immortalising Come out past like 2010. No, she's still alive, eh? Yeah, looks like her. Oh, there you go.

Fucking. I think she. Just peak, man. Just, you know, instead of dying at 27 and immortalising, just fucking just tap out. Just get to 27, man. I didn't want to die, but I do want to be remembered as class. Ninja got an amazing deal as well, though, because he was on Twitch, was really popular,

and then Mixer, owned by Microsoft, paid him like 10 million dollars to swap to their platform exclusively and then like three months in Mixer closed down. Because they're broke? They just spent all their money on somebody who plays computer games? Yeah because they're trying to do some merger with like Facebook Live or some shit but

that hasn't come through so he got 10 million dollars to stream there for three months and then the contract's broken so he's got 10 mil for free. I only know Mixer because that's where Gavin Webster did his comedy results. Remember that?

That was class. Did you ever listen to it? He'd done like a phone-in show, like almost like talk sport where he went live at like fucking midnight on a Saturday and comedians were just ringing in

and talking about their gigs from all over the country. And it was just this fucking radio station where Dave Longley used to ring in and lie. Dave Longley would ring in and go, I'm locked in the toilets at Birmingham Jonglers

because I was just having a shite and fucking Johnny Awesome started nicking on with the sound tech and now they're shagging and I can't leave the toilet. And that was just being like a feature that Dave Longley just fucking phoned him in and bullshitting. In that way, it's just being like a feature. Dave Longley, just fucking phone him in and bullshit him.

Dave Longley must purely exist just for, I think, me and 50 other comedians. You know what I kind of believe? I kind of believe when I track back to his pages and his following isn't massive. His following should have everybody that's been a bait on that hook should have at least tracked back and followed him and gone right you got us right you got us a fucking bit. Now I'm yours. And his following should be like

70,000 fish that he caught that are now in on the joke but people are so proud of getting done that they didn't then follow up to see what he does next. I also think that it's a very specific type of comedy, which is, why are you being mean? Because being mean's fun.

Oh, there's nothing deeper to that, is there? Uh-uh. I just sometimes think being mean's fun. But if we reduce it to this, yeah, but you can reduce it to that. I'm in a silly mood and I want to be mean. Aye, but I'm not really being mean. Yeah, not really. There's a layer to it.

Yeah, it's only mean if you take it seriously. Like, hey, you're the ones that are taking me seriously. You can ignore me. I'm here to be ignored. Bye. I'm annoying and in your face. It's very, very brotherly banter. Aye, I think we need to start releasing videos again,

but just for the sole reason of getting Dave Longley to troll our fans again. Aye. That was beautiful for everyone that was involved. Are you going to get him on the pod at some point? We'll have had him on a couple of times. I think he'd be much better in person. The next time he's up and in. But I think we tried it via Zoom and shit.

Yeah, we did. During lockdown, we had one where we were just caught phoned in. the next time he's up in Edinburgh I think we tried it via Zoom and shit yeah we did during lockdown we had one where we were just caught like phoned in like we were even on Zoom with each other we weren't in the same room

so it was a bit clunky but I also had him when I was punch drunk I had him and Rich Wilson both on when they were on the bill we did it from a caravan and it was fucking class

but aye we should like keep an eye on the stand listen to us ask him when he's up in Edinburgh and get him in

I wonder what Trump's going to sell next I mean I really can't think of it what's the

next move off anyone that's waited in the only thing you could literally do is

genuinely come out next time oh I need to take a look at the fucking

video the only thing he could do is literally come out and be like hi my name's Donald Trump and I'm here to do you have the fucking video. The only thing he could do was literally come out and be like,

hi, my name's Donald Trump, and I'm here to, do you have back pains? Do you have knee pains? Big dick pills. I know. Well, why not try this Trump snake oil? It's a good ointment for any part of your body. It goes in tea.

It goes in coffee. It goes in marijuana spliffs. This snake oil goes, and I guarantee he would still get a hundred thousand sales people being like i'm like look did you try steaks they were delicious they came cooked well done this is i gotta try this in the video for selling his fucking nfts firing laser beams because by the way, when he fucking released this video of the NFT, it's him as Superman with laser beams coming out of his

eyes in front of the White House and the laser beams, that's the thing, he's selling it for $100 to people, claiming that this is fucking artwork, and while selling this, he's like, it's me Donald Trump, your favourite president, I hope, should be better than lincoln better than jfk and i'm like oh i get it i get i get six years ago when people were like but guys

look i know he's evil but this is funny i get it now like if this is now that he's trolling the other side now he's not owning libs anymore I'm like oh now that it's making you look like stupid idiots

and it's winding you guys up you're right I am on board he's mugging off stupid people yeah and you're totally

on board with that so please subscribe to our Patreon and go to spreadsheet.co.uk forward slash muggins and cream and buy our hoodies

with your face on. I mean, man, I reckon if we were to sell NFTs, we'd make about 500 quid, but we'd make 500 quid. And it would be off Sid and Rooney. Just trying to support. Just trying to make us feel good about our quest to be relevant.

I don't see this as a quest for relevance. I see this as a quest for relevance. I see this as a documentation of my mental health over the years. I see this as like when one of us dies, we can just enjoy listening back to old episodes. Yeah. This is my diary. This is for when my memory starts to fade.

Yeah, yeah. And I can look back and... Thanks for funding it. It's a public service. This is basically an argument tool that my children are going to use in the future to win arguments with me. By being like, Dad, can I do this? And I'll be like, no, but you said...

And they'll play it back to me and I'm like, ah, well... But have you listened to all of the other contradictions? Keep listening. You haven't gotten to the bit where we're... Have you not learned that we mean Kai the only message of the entire podcast

was that you can't trust a word your father or your uncle Kai say that you can trust our honour and our merit as far as you can

fucking throw it and now that we're 50 it's not far by the way because we leaned into obesity at 45 because again do you know why

because we're hypocrites hungry hungry hypocrites I know I have a podcast title opinions change with the wind in whichever way they're facing we're passionate about them yeah yeah

and we convince people to our thing and then they all join us and we're like god there sure are a bunch of losers on this side and I I could argue with me

till from 2018 until I was red in the face because me from 2018 kicked shit was red in the face because me from 2018 kicked shit out it was not bleeding changed

I argue with myself 24 hours a day right up here baby an ongoing war it's like the arm wrestle meme I've finished my Christmas shopping oh no actually I haven't That was a lie

Honestly I'm just still arguing with myself From earlier From seven seconds again No because I'm going to Newcastle So I've done all my Christmas shopping For when I go to Newcastle And I ended up On the perfect deal with my wife

Of how to do things She did all the shopping Oh yeah And I did all the rapping and i am like we both felt like we won natalie enjoyed her part of the job and fucking i don't know why right but i fucking find rapping presence just mindful like i can just lose me selling rapping presence which is weird because i don't imagine that you wrap presents well. Man, get this. Everybody thinks Natalie wraps a present.

Everybody. And it's something that I kind of just let happen. She sometimes corrects them. But she always gets the credit for wrapping the presents because I'm fucking meticulous for wrapping presents. I don't buy it. You don't buy it? I'm not. I just don't

don't get me no no no because I get it man like you're you're patient and I think patient is and again

that's where the patience comes from and you know I've been on factory lines for a lot of my life but I but fucking

but like it requires having like a good eye and you've got two and neither of them are good like it requires having like a good eye and you've got two and neither of them are good like it requires like you know I don't know if it does

I reckon I could I reckon you'd be good at oh mate I reckon I could fucking rap blindfolded mate I reckon I could feel me way around it it may not be on the right way out you may get the you may get the checked side of the

rapping paper I see a check did you wrap your own presents? I didn't get me to sell anything. Did she also buy the presents for you and herself? Oh, no. I've got her presents and she's got me presents. I thought she was being extra sound, which is just like she went out and be like,

oh, by the way, I also spent 200 quid on myself. Thank you for my Christmas presents. Here they are, wrap them and give them to me tomorrow, which would be the... I watched Natalie's mom open a present once from Natalie's dad. And that was how Natalie's dad discovered that he'd given it to her. I mean, that is all dads. And then he was like, was that one off me?

He was like, Natalie, was that one off he was like was that one off me oh you were I was like yeah yeah that was off you dad now I'm fucking I'd happily like wrap

all the presents and not have to buy a single one makes me love language I enjoy I enjoy wrapping presents are you good at it yeah

I mean enough like I'm not like if if somebody was like if somebody went can you wrap these presents and i went absolutely and they went will you do a good job that's when i'd say no i'm like oh sorry i thought i was doing you a favor not with standards i thought you know do you want me to the squares in the back do you want me to actually use them then i'm not fucking interested. I'm not fucking,

unless I'm drawing a D&D map, I'm not using any of those. I'm fucking doing it by eye. And by the way, and I'm not cutting, da-da-da-da-da, I'm cutting an inch in and I'm hoping for the glide. And if shit tears,

shit fucking tears. Yeah, mate, I fucking, I fold it with a crease, get my nail across it, back fold it, get my nail across it, get in with a knife

and it's in a fucking maculate edge. And if the edge isn't a maculate, when I do that bit, I fold it with a crease, get my nail across it, backfold it, get my nail across it, get in with a knife, and it's in a fucking maculate edge. And if the edge isn't a maculate, when I do that bit, I fold it in so that the line's nice and neat. Right. You also do the same when you fucking fold people's skin leather. You murder them. That's not going to happen either, man. Fuck it.

That's care. That's care. You fucking think you're wrapping someone a fucking plate of chips? Plate. Plate. You might as well chuck the present at them? Man, I would if that wasn't seen as rude. Like, I can't, man.

Man, I would love nothing more. Christmas Day, my dad comes, he finally approaches my mum. Oh, Christmas time. And they just punted an unwrapped gift in my direction. What a great day. I can't, you know. I like people that feel a little bit uncomfortable about ripping the wrapping open.

Why? Because they feel like they're damaging a piece of art. Oh, there's a personality trait that I could never marry. What's that? People that save could never marry. What's that? People that save the wrapping paper. Nobody does that. Oh, they absolutely fucking do. Keeps the paper.

Keeps the paper. And now people keep cards. I'm not making this up. Have you experienced this in your time on this earth? I've not seen it. I've never seen anyone keep the fucking... Man, there are people 100... They keep the condom then.

They keep the fucking... Man, there are people 100... They keep the condom, them. They keep the blob. It's like... I think it is, I think it generally... They're the ones keeping the wrapping paper. The card with the sentiments on. No, no, I'm talking, and the way they open the presents is they take it off via this fucking cell tape

and they have it so that... I mean, I think it's an older generational thing. What, they're like fucking steaming it above the kettle and fucking undying it like... Name what he's doing, man. I'm telling you generational thing. What, they're like fucking steaming it above the kettle and fucking undying it? Nobody's doing that. I'm telling you, man. You're making people up. There are fucking people out there.

There are people out there that save the fucking wrapping paper. What, they use again? Man, this is like... To send off on, like, sentimentals? Yes. No, no. And also because they're hoarders. I think there's many reasons.

I'm not saying there's one type of person that saves. I'm telling you, there are multiple people with multiple reasons for saving wrapping paper. And I'm not saying there's one type of person that saves. I'm telling you there are multiple people with multiple reasons for saving rapid paper. And I'm telling you every single one of them belongs in jail. It's like people who iron bedsheets. You're like, right. Ah, yeah, we'll chat with them. You just exist to make the rest of us fucking look bad, right?

And it's pathetic what you're doing. So either stop it or we'll hang you in public because there's I don't care how much time you've got in the day read a book

go watch Netflix binge if you are ironing fucking bed sheets that means what you've platinum'd every single computer game that ever existed

that's where you're at you've read every book there's nothing else to do you've watched every episode of the news you've read every book. There's nothing else to do. You've watched every episode of the news. You've finished every jigsaw. I still don't believe people...

Somebody tip-wixed through the Valentine's card once and passed it on. I've told you that before, haven't I? So this is the thing where I'm... I don't want to go too hard in on the people that do because I'm like, I bet there are good reasons for saving the wrapping paper, which is like,

hey, I'm a mother of four and my kids have to go to 90 birthday parties a fucking year. So the reason I save wrapping paper is so that I can reuse it. Is that why you scrunch it when you make presents in LA? I'm like, fucking poor,

fucking poor fucking fucking it's not rocket tonic I bet I bet there are those very valid reasons of like

it's a money saving thing and it's like nobody's doing it when you're making it up I'm not because it

definitely my fuck it wasn't someone in our family that did it because our grandparents made

us and this sounds so ungrateful and it probably is but our grandparents were the ones that were like um and make sure you take down the notes of everyone who got you christmas presents and what they gave you and write them thank you notes and i'm like give them the present back give them the fucking give him give his chores man i give you the gift of chores Nah

It's fucking Christmas And I know this is such a daughter thing But it is Fuck off No Don't It's not the day of writing fucking thank you notes You know what's

You know what's sometimes nice You know when you Like I'm going to have a wedding And you're like Doing your like Your John Lewis gift card Or your fucking present or whatever On the pile

And then you get the message about six weeks later when they're getting around to going through all the presents and thanking everybody. It is a peace of mind where you go, oh, it reached them.

Yeah. It didn't just end up on a pile that didn't get back to the house. Yeah, no, I get it. There's a bit of that. But I would never expect that message. No, and I also think it would be really, really nice

if I sent somebody a fucking gift. Oh, no, that's not true. I'm pretending to be someone else. Man, I would be fucking annoyed. Man, I would be so fucking pissed off. See if I sent somebody a gift, right? And I was like, I finally remember it's somebody's birthday, right? And I finally sent them a fucking birthday present.

And then six days later, I'm just at home. Doorbell rings. God, take my headphones off. Caelan's fucking asleep. He's just been woken up. I'm doing dishes. I'm like, oh, a card. It's not my birthday.

It's not. I panic. I'm like, is it Cara's birthday? Have I forgotten my fucking own person's birthday? Open it up. Dude, Daniel, thanks for the coffee machine from Kai. What the fuck was this? What the fuck?

Why did you just waste that fucking postman's day? What the fuck? You can't fucking text me, you piece of shit. What the fuck have you just what the fuck why did you just waste that fucking postman's day what the fuck you can't fucking text me you piece of shit what the fuck you made me fucking leave the dishes to come read a fucking what an entire waste

from start to finish well now I've got to fucking thank you for the thank you card oh yeah fuck off chill out well I've got to fucking put that up

so next time you come around you come through the door and you're like where's he put it? It must be in his room. You must have it beside the bed. Imagine fucking 6th of January, your fucking house is just full of thank you cards

for all the gifts you've bought people. No, you're not doing that. No. No one's doing that. You're making people laugh. I'm telling you. Please, if you are one of the seven people who engages with us via the email, or if you're one of the many people that Instagrams Kai,

and you are either a wrapping paper saver, or you can confirm the existence of wrapping paper savers, do me a favour and be my saviour. That's my flavour. What's happening? I like that. I'm going to send you a little thank you card for that little rhyme. Thanks for the poem. I needed it. It really uplifted my flavour. What's happening? I like that. What's happening? I'm going to send you a little thank you card for that little rhyme. Thanks for the poem.

I needed it. It really uplifted my spirit. Thanks for stopping, actually. They made me put this there. Thank you so much for stopping. I thought we were going to be there for ages. Actually, the reason I'm writing this is so you think I'm busy and stop talking to us. Do you think like

Maybe it's their writing Should just be more grateful As people Certainly Yes I certainly think That one of my biggest Absolute problems

And I think I could solve 75% of my own personal shit Was if I did practice Gratitude more I certainly think Yes Absolutely But

I don't think all that gratitude is meant to be for other people right I think that gratitude's got to be you know

for the universe because I mean I think that's what you're meant to do you're meant to just put it out there and be grateful that you've got this fucking life

and stuff and then I would be grateful for the people in my life who do stuff for me that I probably do take for granted but I mean that gratitude's not fucking, you know,

shipping to strangers on the bus. Stop needing gratitude now, man, everyone, just chill. Just chill, take stuff because you want to. Not because you're like, where's me thanks? Wait, wait, wait. I did that for a reason, because I wanted to be thanked.

No such thing as altruism everyone just wants gratitude anyway I mean this is a long discussion that you and Milo have had because he doesn't believe

that altruism exists and the same way you get these fucking mind hippies who say things like it's all a simulation even if you don't

no such thing as free will and it's you know they're good all a simulation. Even if you don't. No such thing as free will. And it's, you know, they're good debating points. So it could like thought processes of like, oh, you know, is this true? But man altruism, I think in human beings categorically does fucking exist. Like me

letting everyone think Natalie wraps the presents. But then if I just getting rid of that by speaking of on a podcast. Well, that would be his argument. That would be his argument that would be his argument his argument be that it's not altruistic that you let her take credit for it because you haven't let her take credit for it but that would be I would see that as him being

false that would you brought up specifically to get the gratitude as opposed to we were in discussion about something the story came up which made sense and then just happened to ruin the illusion I think you know so it's also like you know if you're doing something nice for like your wife or your friend or your partner that builds that relationship so then you're getting a benefit from the nice thing you do so like you'd have to like

purposefully do something for somebody that couldn't trace it back to you to do the thing but like which is fine but like that would like surely that would still be altruistic but like what's why would you why would you here's a good definition of altruism

and people I think are altruistic people out there who have depression and don't kill themselves I sound like that's that's altruism baby

living because they're not doing that for them that's not for them they're doing that for everyone else around them it's altruism

but if it was up to them they'd be off this fucking planet I think you've got it but they're not get Milo on the phone we're funded we're funded

Mark Nelson's altruistic I'm just telling you every fucking depressed person that's still on this planet that's altruism baby I believe that I think that's the that's the message of the podcast alright don't kill yourselves Every fucking depressed person That's still on this planet That's altruism baby I Believe that

I think that's the That's the message of the podcast Aye Don't kill yourselves Which is so weird Because that's very rarely What I would tell anyone But this is a Christmas episode

Aye Speaking of Christmas episodes Are we gonna be Keeping the same consistency Over the Christmas period Because I'm going away now This is a bit of admin I'm going away to. This is a bit of admin.

I'm going away to Newcastle until Christmas Eve. And if we weren't on for Thursday before Christmas, it's over to you. And then I can come in the Gooch, do a couple in the Gooch way. Yeah, we need to do it. I think because we're not doing a you, me, Cara, Natalie Christmas thing anyway, I think we're doing a Yumi Cara Natalie Gooch

thing anyway yeah so we'll do it then I can do a Christmas special with Cullen yeah

do you want to do that with Cullen aye and then because it's his last Christmas as

well yeah yeah yeah he's not dying he's just converting to Islam

I didn't know I was going to say that I didn't know I was going to say that I didn't know I was going to say it I laughed at myself because I heard it here first Me and Matthew were talking on the way out here I don't want to put it into the universe because sometimes things happen when you're there You know the pub crawl that we did through lockdown

where we chose a room each and did the pub crawl. Why didn't we do that with the cameras rolling, right? He wants to fucking edit it into a kind of fucking feature. We'll have even little talking head bits where people are going away and talking about how the party's going. So it's a bit like me and Chelsea.

But how about once your stag's done, we start putting money from the podcast into the budget for the rooms so that you can gain a bit further with the production value of what your room's going to be on the pub crawl? I mean, let's do the first one first.

So we'll do the first one just as a normal thing. And if people like it, we're going to follow it up with a higher budget because I think it would be a lot of fun if you had a little bit to spend on your room and we could fund it with a podcast. But we'll do the first one just like we normally did and then see what people think about it.

So you want to do one in the Gooch? I don't know if we'll film that one, but we'll do it. No, I think we'll discuss it then and then in the new year we'll do it. Right. Right. All right. Stuff coming up for you. There you go. Look at it. Right. Right. All right. Stuff coming up for you. There you go.

Look at that. We're moving. Thank you. you