Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.13: New Year Same Cream

Episode Date: January 4, 2023

A silly, silly episode recorded drunk on New Years Day to launch you into 2023 with a lol. Classic Muggins and Cream at their drunken worst.

Hello podcast listeners and maybe viewers, welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. Happy New Year to you, unless you're Chinese. And by that I don't mean, hey, fuck the Chinese, this is an awful introduction. I just mean because they have a different New Year and so I wouldn't say that to them now. And I just think it would be very, I don't know, that wasn't a, we'll not redo it, we'll not do it again. Hope you had a good Auld Lang Syne. Hope you had a great Hogmanay. This episode is in the middle of a party

that I'm throwing at my house. And we, like, we, like the narcissists we are, halfway through said party, decided to just go, all right, we're going to go do a podcast. And this is what we did so we're a little bit drunk

and we're a little bit high and I think it makes for a good combination so if you enjoy that enjoy this because you're not getting another drunk high one for a very very long time we hope if we're able to stick to this fucking

dry January hope you enjoy it if you enjoy it maybe subscribe to the Patreon and have a good time. They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental red job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical?

Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia Where have you been since 9-11? Happy New Year, you big daft cunt Happy New Year Hi, how's it going? How's dry January? It doesn't start until the 7th Cheers, mate, cheers

Nobody Cheers Nobody surely starts Dry January It doesn't start Until the 7th Cheers man Cheers Cheers Nobody Surely starts Dry January On the 1st That's mental Grow up Yeah come on man

That's not the game Let it bleed over Into February If you must If you feel guilty about it But don't be Don't Happy New Year

Should all acquaintance Be forgot Pop No thank you Grow up Grow up New year new me I'm a dickhead now Pop No thank you Grow up Grow up New year new me I'm a dickhead now

And also when you wake up the next day You've already been drinking on this day So why would you stop That's why you've got to do it And then the rule changes Because you can't you know But you've also got a good argument that Second of the month

There's a bank holiday in Scotland These have got like These have nailed the like everybody else I don't know any bank holidays because I don't have a real job

or a child in school so people go it's a bank holiday and I'm like man I didn't even know it was Monday you're like

banks have holidays on the weekend and also how can I what are bank teachers what are you on half term as well

the bank half term blows my mind blows my fucking mind it's 2022 it's 2023 oh the bank say what year it is again nobody

nobody clip how high my voice went say what year it is again but with more gusto it's 2023 you fucking held your nose took off like a fucking helium balloon

or a regular one somebody mentioned that you know how we've got a reddit thread I say the most inactive reddit thread of all time somebody just went I've been listening back to old episodes and it's funny listen to how much they panic every time there's dead air

as opposed to the 15 seconds they're just basking now I think that's gross I think that's yeah absolutely being comfortable

in your own fucking side of the bed that's why we could on tour together right because we can set in a fucking here's a question for you is it well done

two questions one is this no it's not but it's like we can we can maybe he's clipped it depending on is your fucking nightmare person to support on tour or have as just to support like who do you think you would just be like i could not do 12 fucking months on the road with that can't at all not even remotely you know what right and this is somebody who i love daily he's one of my friends I think he's class

but I remember when Bridges told us that he'd do it at a demo clock and I was like what the fuck I'll be like talking to Ned Flanders

he's like I didn't do it like I feel like I bring joy to situations that sometimes need a bit of joy brought to them

I can look on the bright side of a lot of bad shit, right? But I just feel like you'd just be water-poured with joy. I couldn't handle it. One of your greatest traits is you know when to shut the fuck up. You know my brain doesn't turn on until

11 o'clock. You're very aware that I... He's a nightmare before his coffee. Man, okay. Marlena still Because she's She's just on the She's on all the time No concept

Of like Man It'll be six in the morning And she'll be like Can we talk work And I'm like I can't see you man You are just

Some sort of hallucination To me at this point in time I'm so But I get what you're doing You're going to make It's the greatest stuff That's That's one thing

with Natalie that like she's fucking woke up in the morning oh really have I talked about this before no I'll talk about it again if we have

like she's on the gear that's where she started business it's like she's fucking getting up had a big fat lay in her I'm going to start a doggy soft play it's what the people want

to chew the ass off because I was laughing because I was like I get in at night right now fucking I'm so conscious of it knew that somebody brought it up I was laughing because I was like I get in at night right now I'm so conscious of it now

that somebody brought it up I touch it when I'm talking I'm like listen listen it is very it's very aggressive

especially when especially when you make me pucker my lips don't talk but make me kiss your faces I put a I put a Snapchat filter

on you with my hand so I get in at night if I've been to a gig I'll get in at night and I'll like I'll fucking creep into the room and I'll fucking quietly change into my pajamas

so just when we're talking about fucking visuals here I have also noticed you know how you've noticed that you always touch me. I am so conscious now, and I'm going to shout your word for you, of how often we mimic each other.

Oh, mirror body language. Yeah. Yeah. Cause it's man, it's the thing that all humans fucking do. Jesus Christ. There's sometimes I'm like,

what am I doing? I'm an individual. I'm an individual. I sometimes see myself sat there exactly the way I used to get. Oh, I played cool. And I go like that. And then same way as a guy oh wait a minute I played cool and I go like that and then I look

and I sit there and everyone's like do you need a new man my legs are good I swim if anyone's fucking bored Rich Masara

what you can find who does it first no I think no you could go through all the fucking video podcasts and you could very easily

find the points where we do notice it. Because I notice it at least once a fucking episode. And then also, it's one of those things that once it's in your head, it doesn't leave. You just kind of stumble around each other's body language. I'm just kidding. Right, okay.

This is also an audio podcast. We need to remember that. No, man. okay this is also an audio podcast we need to remember that no man I think I think this is

how we force them to the video medium slash lose a bunch lose a bunch of listeners it's gonna be one or the other ah you know what

I if they've stuck around this long you know what I I don't think we get new listeners do we oh you know what like however many we lose

we get that many in return oh really okay we trim as much as we gain like some people back out like

this was a huge mistake guys I mean that's just free quid but come on that's free quid I could literally just throw down a drain

and get more for my money so for every person like that there's an inquisitive soul yeah the amount of people that are just like I didn't know you were on I didn't know you guys get more from me so for every person like that there's an inquisitive soul yeah the amount of people that are just like

I didn't know you were on I didn't know you guys had a podcast I would obviously listen to it and then like join in halfway through and like

this I don't know their accents are weird they talk too fast one of them's always high they seem to be the only ones

that get it and you're like no some of us have been here for seven years we also get it autistic And you're like, no, some of us have been here for seven years. We also get it. That autistic punch. So Natalie, you'll come in, right?

I'll come in. I'll sneak into bed, right? So I work nights because I'm a standard comedian. She works in the mornings because she's working for the dog walkers. And in the mornings, she's like... I said this earlier about you and Natalie describing your job. You sound like that meme or that meme template of making fun of couples that go on Villa in the Sun

and they're like, I am a stand-up comedian and my wife runs a dog walking centre and we have a budget of £150,000 and would like a mansion, please. It's just two of those so different jobs and you throw it together and you're like what is this

a fucking mad lib it's so funny that you say because I was at a New Year's Eve party last night I went to Natalie's friends

our friends because we're married now we share friends and I didn't know so you consider them your friends well it's her friend from school

I'm not getting Karen in the divorce no but? Well, it's her friend from school. I'm not getting Karen in the divorce. No, but yeah, yeah. Even if it's her fault. Yeah, if you and Natalie break up, you're never seeing her again in your life unless you bump into her. And then it would be just awkward for her

because she's pledged allegiance. Aye. You know? So we're at her house. We've just got a big family. Our family are fucking class, right? I had a really nice time just working the room. I was just going to a big family, a family of fucking class, right? I had a really nice time just, like, just working the room. I was just going around meeting people.

Every one of them nice. I was just on fucking speed dating quality people, right? And just fucking salt of the earth Scottish family. And eventually people will ask what your day or whatever and you'll get talking about your life or what you've been up to. And when I start telling people I'm a stand-up comedian and I fucking travel around and then I tell them that Matt Lee's up

in the fucking indoor dog park soft play I feel like the biggest bullshit around the planet like it almost

like the kind yeah that fucking mad bastard he goes to your honour board like you know normal people and also I don't know

do you think you look like a stand-up comedian nah sometimes I'm not even that funny when I'm talking to folk oh man normal people and also I don't know do you think you look like a stand up comedian nah sometimes I'm not even that funny when I'm talking to folk oh man

I can't imagine like now as a we meet people when we go swimming with our son there's all the other parents there

when we go messy play you meet other fucking parents and none of these parents have any idea who I am because why on fucking earth

would they yeah they haven't got time for Netflix they've got a newborn yeah and also barely well not barely but like you know have any idea who I am because why on fucking earth would they yeah they haven't got type of Netflix they've got a newborn yeah and also barely well not barely but like you know

there's no I don't think there's much fucking crossover with people who are parents and they're like you know that tend to those types of classes

but when I tell people that I'm a comedian you can just see them being like just turning to Karen being like oh how very modern she must be the breadwinner

yeah because you're there yeah they're like oh he's modern she must be the breadwinner yeah because you're because you're there yeah they're like oh if he's a comedian and she works as a PA I'm going to because I've no idea

who the fuck you are but she's carrying you through this flight of fancy midlife crisis that you have yes aye aye aye it did feel a bit like that but the

aye when she speak into her room when she gets in it when she gets up in the morning mate I don't know how she gets the fucking the flood she gets in it when she gets up in the morning mate I don't know how she gets the fucking the floodlights

from St. James's parking amuse and I don't know how she got a fucking bone jet engine to dry her hair with but I'm like there's other rooms

in the house to do anything that you need to do right it's just me such a chatterbox and talking away at her

and I'm just like I hope none of this is important and then she'll get in from work and be like you didn't get your gift I thought I told you this morning I'm like wait yeah hold on Natalie you can't pick up an uncharged phone and go Siri

remind me to pick up rice oh thank god thank god because I really need rice for tonight otherwise the dinner party will be ruined is that what's going to fix your phone that is weird

I should have gone with it Matthew edit that he's not here he's not here we're alone the gall the gall

let's talk about this check I hit record it's disgusting I'm going to be sick I'm going to be sick in my mouth it's both of us I'm doing the same which I'm doing the bathrobe

stand by me tire ourselves out started yawning at the same time when were you on and leaning fuck off man stop coughing

I'm not I guarantee I'm changing more I'm clocking in and getting out you're joining in I'm the employee he started bottling you're like I'm just going to do what he's doing I'm changing more, I'm clocking in and getting out, you're joining in, I'm the inflator He started that bottling, you're like I'm just going to do what he's doing, I'm like he's my friend

Not me, I've got me own mind While you're having a minor gripe about the love of your life who you were very lucky to have Can I join in on your wife? She's also doing my head in there. Very small thing. So, man, me and Cara are very happy slobs. Like, man, we've got a thing in the house, but man, if the house is messy, we're like, we love each other.

It's all we need, baby. You couldn't live like this. She's like, absolutely. Kayla's like, I don't know anything different we could wash we could put pigs in my nose who cares but now I'm like

man every single year I talk about this I always do like I love the illusion of the new year I'm going to be a different person I'm going to do this stuff

I love doing like the dry January stuff and then it look it'll always fade away I've done it enough times to know that I I'll never fully fucking commit to it do you put on a big status

no even back then I don't think I would have I don't no always fade away I've done it enough times to know that I I'll never fully fucking commit to it do you put on a big status no even back then I don't think I would have I don't no no because I think deep down that would have held me

too accountable I would have had to go back and delete it like three months later being like fuck I hope nobody calls me on this so

but man sometimes I'm also like you know what like it's so it's the new year so I'm going to try and be a bit fucking tidier

and Cara's the tip she's like we should just fucking? So it's the new year, so I'm going to try and be a bit fucking tidier. And Cara's the same. She's like, we should just fucking get off our asses. We're just so very happy to just play with our son and live in, you know. Yeah. Not piles of trash. You change these nappy and just throw it at the window and it just sticks to the window. You've got about 10 there.

One of them slid down. We don't empty the nappy bin every day because it's a big room and we have windows open all the time So we're like it's not You're like I keep taking out the bin I have to get a bigger Bring the wheelie bin in the house We keep going outside for the bin

We're wasting We are wasting precious time in the living room here We can cut it down So I'm like let's go And let's go upstairs And clean our bedroom Because we do clean the house And we've got the cleaning so I'm like let's go and let's go upstairs and clean our bedroom right

because we we do clean the house and we've got the cleaning we've done it we never clean our bedroom right because nobody goes into our bedroom it's just for us

and we don't care how we live because we know how we live DNA stinks to yourself like it's an act of kindness to yourself oh totally but it's a clean room as it is now

we're just like oh I mean let's and we do the same lie to each other and we'll keep it this way this time oh this is this is the time so we're tidying up yesterday and when i say we are tidying up we are not tidying i am tidying up uh oh but that must mean she's looking after kaylin obviously no no no no no I am folding my clothes sorting theirs and

keeping an eye on her son while she posts some Instagram stories they were very funny though

because they were the photos the photos from each month that were shit

yes instead of just going these are my best photos from the year they were like these are on

become a role and I don't know why I got a lot of enjoyment out of hers and Gene's version of that they got it from

Broden Kelly from Auntie Donna he did it so great I mean we'll do one we'll do one

we'll do one tomorrow I've got a lot of photos on my phone and then I feel like oh let's do it on the Instagram oh there you go let's do it on his Instagram

and get a few people then again when this comes when this real big fucking content mugs follow on social

like and subscribe like and subscribe you know we've got a Patreon do you know we've got a fucking Patreon you fucking mugs give it five stars

would you yeah yeah you're saving all that money from alcohol because you're doing dry gin go on Trustpilot where's she going to

fucking do come on come on don't buy her a ring she doesn't deserve it you know that we do you got better things

today aye four years isn't long enough to know if she's the right one give it another two there's a hole in the book people are leaving

people are leaving don't ask them why right don't ask them why we ask you to like and subscribe but don't ask them to leave a review

you know when people leave we're not like it tells you who leaves we've got email addresses So that's why we ask you to like and subscribe. We don't ask them to leave a review. You know, when people leave, we're not like, it tells you who leaves. We've got email addresses. We could be like, I'm sorry to say you're leaving. Why is it you left? I don't want to know. Because the one time I looked, one time I looked, they were like, the thing you said about Johnny Depp. Oh, yeah.

So I am tidying our room and at this point I've gone through I've been off weed for a couple of days so I'm just going through

one of the you just had a spliff in front of us no I did but when I'm telling the story just now I'd been off weed for a couple of it's like I'm not

aye aye again you're not on the point of lying no no no sober January starts at the 2nd I've no sober January starts on the 2nd I've said that

starts on the 2nd but I've been off weed for a couple of days just because I mean sometimes well I ran out and I'm not buying anymore so I was just like

well that's it I've got no fucking weed life grand so I knew I was a bit fucking dead shit but I'm just sat there and it's like man I'm talking

15 fucking minutes and I'm like I'm trying not to be snippy but you know when you are pissed off, right? And you're like, I know it's probably me. I know it's probably just the way I'm feeling at the moment. It's just not annoying.

Actually, the word probably shouldn't be there. No, definitely. It's me. And also, if I were to self-reflect for even a millisecond, I would cast my mind back to the many times that she's been doing something asking me to help while I'm just doom scrolling Reddit like uh-huh like it's but Vendor Schwab

I had a second there's just one more best of Reddit updates what did you say about Android's pizza box? we'll get there so so I'm trying to I'm trying to go I just come out

snippy and I was like you gonna join in at any point are you taking minutes should have said that and she was like

oh bad fair play you cannot sass Cara and she'll be like oh no you're right she'll be like

oh we're playing a fucking game and we can't are we throwing down when it comes to attitude she was like yeah soon

I'll be fucking sitting there seething seething folding as if she can't tell you she isn't as if she

isn't getting some shod and froil joy she called me on it literally seven minutes later because, man, at this point, right, I'm in my own fucking head. I'm just fucking stewing. I'm being a petulant, petulant...

Three holes in the wall, that one. No, not that bad. But, man, I am stamping around and, like, sighing when I put folded clothes away. Like, I'm getting it all that between Christmas and New Year when you've got

nothing else on there's nothing else to do we might as well clean the fucking bedroom right and we agreed we agreed we were like

this is the anyway right so I'm seething I'm fucking being a pet and we think she's just

I was like because she was crawling around I was like do you want to just take him downstairs and play with she just I was like because she was crawling around I was like do you want to just take him downstairs and play with him and she was like

gee I can tell you that I fucking straw up I'll help in a minute man like we've got ages she's like

what when you stop watching you see how quick you can get a tiny name also that's the way

to be my fucking even though I've been off weed for fucking three days or whatever it is at this fucking

point my memory is still absolute shit man literally five minutes before we come upstairs she comes over to me

snuggles into me and she was like I'm not I'm not feeling so good today I've just

feel like I'm really not necessarily lethargic but I've just got no energy and I'm doom scrolling

I'm like uh huh uh huh but Brendan Job should we go to your bedroom let's do it oh I missed every cue I missed every cue like it was me from

start to finish you were trying to snap yourself out of procrastination you just took the ill way let's go let's fucking do this come on thank you I was saying this to her I absolutely I think the worst time of the fucking year

is the Gooch between Christmas and New Year. That's going on as well, you know, the Gooch. It's the title. Because that's one of those things, you know, when you try to claim something and you look like a liar. But also people probably stumbled on that around the world. You think so? You don't think I set the ball rolling?

It's a routine from like nearly 10 years ago I knew that I did I totally believe you at the forefront I lied about it

between Christmas and New Year I don't think you were like the first person it was on news but that's kind of happened isn't it

and also when stuff like that happens I hate it when people fight it I hate it when people try to go you know when something

becomes public domain with a joke and the person who wrote the joke like really really tries to fight the tide like oh that's gone now

any energy you're putting in to stop that is wasted energy it's gone man it's gone it's the world's joke now the people that know

you can nudge them and go how's me how's my baby girl hi fly well sweetheart yeah it's the world's joke now the people that know you can nudge them and go that was me that was my baby girl bye bye bye well sweetheart yeah it's gone a couple years later

you see it being retweeted it's got like 200,000 retweets you're like look how big you've gotten my girl my baby girl so instead of

instead of being like I can't believe like everyone's calling the Gucci new that's why I'm not getting any credit where's my credit I need to spend it at the shops.

You're just going, I think I did that. I think that was me. That little influence I had on the world. I'm going to take pride. It's the worst time of year. Nothing feels real. It's fucking... I don't have a real job.

So I imagine it's... I don't know how it is for regular people with actual perspective. Beautiful. It's beautiful,'t know how it is For regular people With actual perspective Beautiful It's beautiful mate Oh fuck I understand still You live how you're meant to live

You know how we live That's how people live for a bit Oh the sedentary life You know the bit where You're not too early When you're at home Aye I've been doing that

For a month before Aye yeah You do that You do that From time to time Yeah Oh man Because You know what I mean? Like, straight after Christmas, I'm like,

man, I'm fucking raring to go for sober January. I'm like, let's fucking do this. Head down. Oh, that's another thing. You get so much booze and chocolate for Christmas, so that week is fucked because you've just got a house full of temptation. And you're like, I'm going to be...

Listen. I wasn't not. I wasn't not. I wasn't on my phone. I can't believe someone pointed out how tactile I am. I feel like a fucking molester every time I talk to you. Do you want to tell your little kid like they used to have in the Oscars? So if I ever revert my eye contact, you can... Shank you back in.

So... I hear sound like a stoner but what were we talking about again oh no you've put it out of my head you asshole the gooch oh the gooch yes

talking about how much I eat you get given loads of chocolates and loads of booze and in your head you're going to be healthy you've booked in a PT session

right you're going to squint the booze dry January you're on top of all that right but you've just got all those booze and chocolate you've got for Christmas and you're going to be healthy you've booked in a payday session right you're going to squint the booze dry January you're on top of all that right but you've just got all this booze and chocolate you've got for Christmas and you're like challenge

accepted right it's got to go I'm not throwing out man it's like da na na na na na na and you're fucking down it you're down all the booze and chocolate it's like if you've ever been to Amsterdam

like the first time you ever went to Amsterdam the first time you purchased weed legally this is a very British thing oh right the weed we're tired of sorry we're tired of all the windows

I put through the brick hold on is that joke is that joke you're just throwing bricks at sex workers is that the full

from the beginning to the end that's the full joke I'm really leaning in If you didn't say How Pascal's arch nemesis Oh Mate I'm going to be honest with you I think she stopped listening

Why don't you check Why don't you check Check the emails Check if we got One lesson Um What's up Oh my god

This is the first episode of the year I know that doesn't start till the second when you go to Amsterdam for the first time and you buy all this fucking weed legally when you go to the airport next day you don't bin the weed

I don't know if anyone's ever binned the weed you just look at that bag and you're like okay this has to go I'll share it with other people but i'm not at the airport trying to find a vein and i'm like there's a vein let's eat this weed so first time i ever went to amsterdam was uh with our beloved tom horton and of circle fame of of the circle fame and of the Tower of London fame and TikTok fame. No, his Next Door fame?

Sure. I think when I do that, you know, Rachel McGarrett from 2D Second of Season 2. Why? David Schwimmer from Bad and of season 2 David Schwimmer From Band of Robbers David Schwimmer From my

Social life Tom Houghton Tom Houghton Oh yes We're in Amsterdam together This exact thing happens We go to the airport The next day

We've got Well even before we go to the airport Four hours before we go We wake up We see we've got all this weed That go to the airport four hours before we go we wake up we see we've got all this weed that we're like we've got to smoke it

neither of us have it in us to bin fucking weed that's just not who we are as people we send the bulldog we smoke a horrendous amount of weed one of the many bulldogs

one of the many bulldogs yeah yeah I mean the bulldog when he comes he's going to say good luck fuck off you four in the canal

jokes on me jokes on me I've got no friends Good luck. I forgot what you're for in the canal. Jokes on me. Jokes on me. I've got no friends. We get to the airport and we are baked, right? And I know we're baked because we get the tram to the airport. There's a tram to the airport in Amsterdam. That's why they call it Tramsterdam. Tram.

Did you just put whiskey through your nose? That fucked you up. Remember that funny language, motherfucker? I had a strong pinot and whiskey through my nose.

I've got a fucking whiskey snort but it isn't a new year you acknowledged a joke you finally gave you finally gave my banter the credit

it fucking deserves what a Christmas gift you want that every time do you every single day baby it's Christmas Christmas

so we're eh we're on this fucking tram and we're on this fucking tram and we're baked. We're on tram and all. The worst thing is we can't even call the episodes that

because it will, yeah. It'll ruin it. I mean, there's a punchline that's a millisecond away from the setup so I guess people, they'll have one second of,

oh, and then, well, anyway. The tram is a lot of times, most of go beside cars of course it is there's the road and then there's the tram line and then there's the other side the road for the cars going in the opposite direction and then we get up to a roundabout and all the cars to the right of us go right around the roundabout and on the road next to us cars are coming in on the left onto the roundabout and this tram goes through the roundabout and when

I tell you me and Tom Houghton grabbed each other like like you know how like Shaggy and Scooby grab each other whenever like a ghost

jumps over he left he left up in here man Scooby I was chatting and my fucking nails were flying into the air. And what are you doing on the tram? Are you watching the tram?

We're on the tram. So we were crashing into a roundabout. He goes to a roundabout, you take his deep breath. We jump so much, people behind us laugh. They're just like, they clearly, they see these fucking young, stupid stoner tourists all the fucking time. And I'm like, that's clearly the most embarrassing thing I'm going to do today. God, I'm mortified.

What a fucking idiot. And here's the great thing about Tom Holland. In those moments, he'll always go, hold my beer. Oh, you're right right I did drop it that is embarrassing right we get to the fucking airport we're stoned

we want to get some fucking food we go to a cafeteria bit right but it's one of those bits where you go up they've got the buffet there but they serve it to you

they put it on a plate you put it on your tray you select your fucking drink you get your utensil you pay for it you fuck off and at the end when you finish your meal

there's bins you do it yourself you scrape the food into the food waste bin right and then you put all the trash I keep saying fucking trash

it's all Americanised makes me fucking kill myself you suck right on the sidewalk do you oh just a fucking absolute race traitor change your baby's diaper oh

oh em you're on the em cafe cafeteria for long oh fucking I can't wait for a sober joint You're on the cafe cafeteria for log I can't wait for

a sober January I wish it was January If only it was the first day of the new year If only it was the I know that

we all know that tomorrow so you scrape it in and then you quietly judge the people who haven't scraped and put the tray in

so you put the tray in the rack. My Tom Houghton walks up to the bin with the full tray. He binned the tray, didn't he? He binned the tray. Man, no, no, no, no, no. I just tipped it. Oh, no, it was the... No, he tipped the tray with the plates, the cutlery.

All you hear is he just goes oh everything goes into the bin and he tips it up and you just clank clank clank and everyone turns around and it takes him I'm going to say

up to five seconds to process what he's done because he recognises the noise of cutlery hitting the floor of something

and plates being smashed as they hit into each other and then just goes and everyone around sort of stares, and he's like, everyone's staring at me, I did something wrong. Those two things don't belong together. Oh, this is a bin. Ah, yeah.

You threw the baby out with the bathwater. Right. That's a saying. Is it? You threw the baby out with the bathwater. Why would you do that? Well, you wouldn't do that, but if you did, it would be, like, something akin to what you're describing.

I mean, if Matthew was here, he would be able to Google the etymology through the baby. Have you never heard that? No. You threw the baby out with the bathwater? It's like you're fucking... And, um, hi, Matthew. I'll repeat myself.

What? He texted us again. I'm still up drinking with the boys I'm not going to make the podcast tomorrow and I was like well fuck everyone's up drinking

with the boys I guess it's the first time we've stayed up past midnight threw the baby out of the bathwater what fuck me what a

if you threw the baby out of the bathwater oh if you threw the baby out with the bathwater oh If you throw the baby Out with The bathwater Oh I thought you said of

Just soaping him up And it's like Bah motherfucker Oh yeah I washed my hands Because I've been eating prawns Are you ready for your bath? Wrong motherfucker Yeet

Say the baby out with the bathwater Out with the bathwater So you lose the good parts You know back in the day People used to take that bath And launch the water out of the bathwater. Out with the bath, so you lose the good parts. You know, back in the day, people used to take that bath and launch the water out of it. They didn't think, oh,

I'll put it back. What, you think that's a real story? You think that's a real, like, I didn't go eat my baby, like that came from somebody actually fucking did it?

No, that's a saying. So you're saying it's never happened? But no, I'm saying, probably in America. Yeah, and also,

recently. I want to say recently I mean 2023 like there's no way there's no way it's not already happened twice in America there's just too many

of them don't do regular news no no why would it why would this everyday occurrence make a news like why don't they

just take the plug out we have plugs but the fact that people used to throw bath water I mean they had baths and hadn't like

thought of drainage systems for it I don't think they hadn't thought of drainage I think they just didn't live in a place where there was good like

drainage and sewage you know what I feel like drainage feels like such an such an obvious thing to be late to technology and cultures. If you've got surely drainage and irrigation and shit like that, it's like such a fucking way.

Look, water moves downhill. Let's just simulate some downhillisms for the water today. Why are people scratching the heat for ages gone well if only we could move this water from one place to another well because i mean the the why don't we just carry the bath together and throw it out it's a moment's habit uh-huh all right yeah oh i'm reading marcus aurelius's meditations book the translation of meditations and i'm fucking astonished with how much that cunt knew. He doesn't call it quantum mechanics and string theory,

but he describes it. The cunt was onto the fucking quantum, he was onto the order of the cosmos in the year 112 or whatever the fuck he was born in. I mean, not when he was born. Was he a Roman emperor?

Aye. And philosopher? Was he the emperor? I think he was born in, right? I mean, not when he was born. Was he a Roman emperor? Aye. How long before? In philosophy. Was he the emperor? I think he was. You can't, fuck off. Yeah.

The queen's not allowed to be, oh, I'm the queen of England and an astrologist. Grow up, right? You're just the emperor of Rome. You're not also a philosopher. He was known as one of the five good emperors.

Cicero? Mate, don't ask any more questions please my eyes are screaming help

and have a fucking book by the cunt I googled how old he was listen to

BTEC philosophers if you want that sort of stuff. I'm taking a lot from what he has to say. He's got some good fucking... And now I'm late to the party on Marcus Aurelius. But why would I listen to Jesus when he was born at a similar time? He's got so much better shit to say

PR that's how it is Mel Brown paid the grand up front three stars in three weeks he won the award but yeah this one about fucking

not being angry at someone if they prove you wrong you should be grateful and I was like oh that's so fucking obvious aye but also easier said than done

you fucking cunt so much easier said than done what are you fucking talking about so much easier said than done alright man it would be great to eat a salad every morning

and work out for nine hours a fucking day oh how wise I am can you do this cunt but to like to point I've been fucking 40 years where if someone proves me wrong they're my enemy aye and I'm still that way I am can you do this cunt but to like to point every fucking 40 years

where if someone proves he's wrong they're my enemy aye and I'm still that way I am like I know it's wrong I need to prove

them wrong at a later date to equalise but like if somebody took the time at the date to put you right

because you were on the wrong track but how did they do it Kai was there any fucking stank on them

fucking words when they were fucking correct of course there was right well then fuck them I'll not fucking

I'll not be grateful I'll knock them I'll keep it away I'll keep it away I'll bury it deep down inside and they'll not be invited to the wedding

and then he he's dad he's smug little cunt didn't mean little didn't mean cunt be invited to the wedding and then he he spoke dad he spoke little cunt didn't mean little didn't mean cunt and then he spoke he spoke to me hard

that fortune isn't something that is like I'm absolutely butchering his words I'm butchering I can't believe

he said this I hope this is verbatim I hope he was writing out the entire oh fuck man I'm butchering this oh fuck man I'm butchering I'm butchering his words. Oh, man, I can't believe you said this. I hope this is verbatim. I hope he was writing it and you're talking about, oh, fuck, man, I'm butchering this. He says, I'm not a fucking man,

I'm not a white man. I'm not a white man. Fortune is a disposition of the soul. And I like that because I'm like, fucking, it's like a fucking, if you,

no, give me 15 seconds of dead air when I ponder it. Say it again. Fortune's a disposition of the soul. You get good fortune if you're fucking good. It's a good way

of describing karma and like, it's like, if you're fucking, you know, if you smell the world smells with you, it's a fucking,

it's the seed of all that bullshit that come after it, but he fucking planted it. He planted the cunt. I don't think that's applicable in like,

North Korea. Like, I think that's, it's always one of those things where it's like, and the truth to being happy, and I'm like, yeah, like if you it's always one of those things where it's like and the truth to being happy and I'm like yeah

like if you have freedom of some aspect but if you're like a prisoner or a slave or abusive like there's no like like if you're tied up in a fucking basement

for 15 years it's not like ma smile through he can't do that he can't do that as well he's like

I don't think oh why does this bad thing happen to me think oh good I'm equipped to deal with it I can deal with this bullshit bad thing happen to me think oh good I'm equipped to deal with this I can deal with

this bullshit that's happening to me I'm glad it's happening to me because I can handle this that sounds like

a fucking Tory looking down deal with your poverty gracefully stop being poor that did help there's proof

that you know a couple of years after she wore that shirt the economy went up by like 2% I quit I quit I think I'm sick of this

me I just think I wouldn't give him as much credit if he was fucking waxing his shit

in his vlog in the year 2023 I'm like alright quick off the mark would you listen to any word out of his mouth if he said it after like man

fortune is the disposition of the soul I'd be like mate I've never thought of that pass the bag on honestly it's the disposition of the soul it is I just find it remarkable. You know what? It says more about me because I think the people in the Air 100

is just beating their chest and clubbing women over the head and dragging them back to their cave. I don't think I'm giving them enough credit as a civilisation. I mean, they were absolute free thinkers, man. People worked out. But how we're draining your bath is all I'm saying. Drain your bath. They I'm saying drain your bath they did

and then Christianity came along and they were like none of this we're burning everything down and science is gone and it's all about oh boy

Pope's dead Nazi Pope dead the Pope died not to know Pele was the Pope not the real not the current Pope old Nazi Pope

the old Nazi Pope the old Nazi Pope the old Pope the one before this one oh he wasn't already dead no no he had a fucking

post credits I've been the Pope now I'm just on a beach with him yeah man I'm retired just taking off duty copping out with his fucking

Hawaiian shirt on fucking wee margarita on the beach attacking the people at parties going I used to be the Pope this is bullshit

your wife would run a soft plate and talk to all you stupid cunt and that's it then a pope alright what are you doing

on the fucking 39th of February you fucking lying dickhead while we're talking about politicians Andrew Tate no

I mean alright let's go While we're talking about politicians Undertaker? No I mean alright let's go I hate the internet so much now But it could have been good No no but I mean in the aftermath of what's happened with this fucking Undertaker thing the amount of disinformation

on the fucking internet to try and find out what's actually happening is so genuinely fucking difficult right so he's going to jail the people like he's not going to jail

he's human trafficking he's not he's just loaded with money I know we're wrong this is the fucking punishment of voyeurism of looking into your phone and judging

other people's lives how fucking you know you don't get to have it on fucking demand you cancerous human being but I've still got this part I'm like I dislike this person greatly so of course i enjoy their downfall because i don't have the maturity to be grateful to people that prove me wrong or look the other way i'm not

jesus i'm me and i hate cunts so i'm enjoying the fucking downfall of this shit and you're trying to find out what's actually going on and it's man, man, is he in prison? Has he been released? Because there was footage of him after he got arrested, after the whole, if you're not aware of the update, I don't know how you wouldn't be, but he was arrested. If you listen to this, you have the internet. Aye, and also you've been paying attention enough to the story. So he got caught and then he's in prison. But is he still in prison?

Because then he fucking tweeted the next day. And then is it? I don't want to get my hopes up at any fucking moment as well in a world of like you can't say anything anymore there's a lot of memes about human trafficking

at the moment yeah oh and dead funny ones yeah yeah they are funny but they're really trivialising the severity of

like and the fact that like even Greta's like slam you should have recycled your pizza box you're like oh dude

take my place being girls human trafficking like how how am I like Even Greta's like, Slim, you should have recycled your pizza box. You're like, Oh, dude, time and place. Being girls, human traffic. How am I? Let's just let it sink in how severe the fact is that the coerced girls are selling pornographic images so that he can get the money. I'm a comedian and I'm like, rein the jokes in so it can just assess the situation

and see how bad it is. Oh, no, I get what you're saying, but I do feel like that's kind of like, you remember when we were pissed off with the fucking Queen pearl clutchers? Aye. Like, I think, I mean, like... I think, like, cracking jokes are good stuff.

Aye. Right, and like, we talked about it in the last one, about the fucking one about the Emmy and Arena, and you're like, oh, if only kids didn't die, I could enjoy doing that joke

and all that. But like, when a story's breaking and it's about human trafficking, like, I really do feel like the memes

and the jokes are like, are like dull and dull and the sharp edge of how Sophia the fucking situation actually is

and we should actually just be like oh this guy's a fucking beast like let's get the bottom of this and that and that I think the most interesting thing about human trafficking you look at us like I was being woke no no I just you know you can have your little moment you fucking

libtard cuck you can do whatever the fuck you want me and the real comedians over here we'll just eh joke about the Romanians and I get that that sexualised image is Cuck, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Me and the real comedians over here will just... Joke about the Romanians and I get the sexualised images sold on the internet. You said it's very funny you call it human trafficking considering that makes it sound like they're not going anywhere.

The only traffic there's the rail strikes. See, it is funny. Just to be honest, there is. I just think We should do them Oh I mean Of course Of course And if we were Marcus Aurelius

We probably wouldn't But we're not We're these cunts So But What he's fucking done now Well not what he's done now What he's been doing

For the past fucking six months Because the fucking people That follow him Like I'm sorry That your life Has turned out The way it is That you

Something's The way you perceive women because of whatever's happened to you in your childhood or in your relationships where you hate them so much that this guy fucking speaks to you or maybe it's not that maybe it's the fact that you know you're so fucking down on your luck you've been so beaten up by the fucking world that somebody who's just standing up for themselves is to you an inspiration he's a confident talker like you know i don't fucking discredit. And I think you're an idiot if you follow any of it, but also we've lived different lives

and I don't see him through the same fucking lens you do. For fucking six months he's been going, one day they're gonna fucking arrest me for all the shit I've been saying. And you're like, buddy, you know you've been human trafficking. Like, of course you know the police are gonna get you at some point.

Because all these people are like, he fucking predicted it, man man He knew they were coming To silence him They're like Man This isn't a set up They're not It's not

He's not been like We're going to take We're going to take This fucking cunt down And we're going to frame him He's been doing the thing He's like They're going to catch me

At some point Might as well Get all the people To throw That's like when you Tried to claim you were psychic Because you You had an epiphany

that Gareth was that Laura was having Gareth's baby and her baby she had the baby communism did you copy his no I went for the different legs

so I think that's I think that's legally fine you were like oh yeah and I was like I was having a spliff with Colin and I was like I reckon Laura's split with Cullen and I was like

I reckon Laura's in labour now and Guy's having his baby I'm pretty sure me and Cullen talked about this on the podcast I didn't listen to it so I listened to the beginning of it

I'm pretty sure so you you called that so they know you called that I didn't need to call them in on that so

Dave plus one we have a Patreon by the way we do have a Patreon you should sign up you can subscribe to that No, you called that. I didn't even call him in on that. So people know maybe it was our Patreon. Dave plus one. We have a Patreon, by the way. We do have a Patreon. You should sign up for that. You can subscribe to that. Man, you're doing dry chat. You've got so much more money now. What are you talking about?

You're not buying anyone Christmas presents. Give a review. Give. No, only nice one. Don't give your honest opinion. Like if there's anything less than a five star, just don't bother, man. Like Uber rules, right?

Five stars or hee haw. You know when people go, I don't bother man like Uber rules right five stars or hee haw it's like you know when people go I don't care what people think that means you can't accept praise if you don't care what people think pick a lane

it's like you know when people go reviews don't mean anything don't worry wait a two star don't put your five star on your poster then because you either care

or you don't pick a lane well I mean I don't put my five stars on my poster then because you either care or you never pick a lane well I mean I don't put my five stars on my poster more than Lena does she makes them up then it's shocking to me that they're so short she makes them up and they're still bleak

you tried to claim that you knew that she was giving birth and you're like oh my god I am psychic no I just I had an inkling it was a fucking due date no it wasn't it was two days early two days early

it was ballpark enough it's down to the hour down to the hour it's like putting a bet on a fucking 1.25 to 1 chance right oh my god I am psychic I won a bet on on like a fucking 1.25 to 1 chance right again oh my god

I am psychic I want a bet well look I mean I'm not I'm not I'm not saying I didn't have other intuitions

other times during the month I'm not saying that's the first time I've really crept up it's just the only time I thought about

mentioning it that's em the I was thinking about someone the other day and then I bumped into them

when I was walking my dog and I was like, oh my God, what are the chances of that? And the reality of it is you think about so many people ambiently

and then you don't bump into them but you don't register those ones. A million coincidences don't happen a day. Yeah. So when the one does happen, you're like, oh my God,

I was just thinking about them and I bumped into them. You're like, I won in 100, mate. And and for some people that's their whole personality oh fate oh man no try harder um so andrew tate no called it called it that he was gonna be getting arrested yes and then got arrested i mean because you're human trafficking you daft cunt and everyone's like oh my god

this guy understands the matrix to a different fucking level and look don't get me wrong if it turns out he's not been human trafficking I hope he doesn't go to jail if he doesn't

but he's not because he's been human trafficking and em you were going to tell me about your favourite politician oh man your favourite politician Ahmed

Ahmed I'm going to get I don't want to get his name wrong he's from Indonesia Ahmed Sukarno he is the president former president first president

of Indonesia serving from 1945 first president as in that like when they decided to be a country he was like dibs

yes so he was an Indonesian statesman who was first president of Indonesia, serving from those fucking times. God, I do wish Matthew was here. That would be so much better. Well, no, I'll not fucking read it.

From the story that I learned, basically after World War II, like when the whole world was sort of, the second one, I, when everyone was sort of losing their shit, the countries were sort of seeing themselves that Indonesia had gone through some sort of, I don't know, before it wasn't

Indonesia, it was part of another country and it broke away, became its own, and then it established itself as a country. So their first president is this guy. Now whenever this happens, especially after World War II, all the CIA is apparently doing is just, they're so scared of communism spreading, right? They've beaten the fucking Nazis and

they're just now worried, like they couldn't, everyone knows, at least in the army, that they couldn't have won World War II without the Russians. There's no way you could have done it without the fucking Soviet Union at that point. So they're scared, they know they're going to be a fucking superpower, they're scared of China, China's communist, this is all fucking awful. So they're worried that any small country that becomes communist is going to spread communism like a little fucking virus to any of the surrounding ones. So they do anything they can from very secret ways to stop countries that are communists. This is happening in Chile, it happens all the time. We know this has been happening during this time. So one of the times they're doing it in Indonesia

to this first president of Indonesia because, you know, he's going round, he's meeting the heads of state, you know, he's meeting the president, he's meeting the prime minister, he's going... Shaking hands, kissing babies. Yeah, he's doing the thing and they're like we've got to fucking we've got to get this

we've got to he's making communism look cool we've got to blackmail him we've got to and if he doesn't accept blackmail if he doesn't accept

a bribe we'll blackmail if he doesn't subscribe to the fucking if he doesn't give him blackmail we'll just fucking kill him he's not going to accept

the bribe because if he gets the bribe he's going to spread it between fucking millions of people alright it's like you're having to bribe because if he gets the bribe he's going to spread it between fucking millions of people. Aye. It's like, what's your...

Like you're having to bribe him for a quid. Aye. No, I... So, he's like, okay guys, just handing it out

like Jesus and that loaf of bread and the fish and it makes no sense how it lasts that long. He's like, oh my God, Jesus.

And... I took the bribe guys, here's your code. So, apparently Willie's on a flight to somewhere in the world

a bunch of the or at least one of the air stewardesses let's just say a hexam a KGB agent from Russia and they have

on the plane basically they'd learned that he was quite a promiscuous person he was very big shagger lots of lots of sex

so they set a honey trap for him. And that's where you lure them into a situation where you can take photos of them having sex. In this case... You think I don't know what a honey trap is? You think I'm not being honey trapped? You think people haven't lured me in with pussy before? But taken what?

Have we met? They film him on this plane having sex with like four air stewardesses like all debauched and apparently one of the fucking air stewardesses is like an undercover KGB agent right and the CIA gets this footage and they're like this is how we fucking got guy, this is fucking class. One thing they have not understood, because they're not learning about their country, they're like, let's just stop the country, let's not know our enemy, let's just eliminate our enemy. They don't know that in Indonesia, around that time, Bali was very different when it comes to polyamory. He had four wives at the time, he was very open, they had lots of sex. When it comes to polyamory he had four wives at the time he was very open. They had lots of sex

So they take this fucking back out of the guy You gotta stop this communism. It's not fucking cool capitalism capitalism fucking only not communism. We've got and man You're gonna fucking hate this I tell you what Remember that time you had a fucking orgy with all those stewardesses on that plane. Aye we've got it wax. Aye, we've got it on footage. It's in the can, mate. Can I release it? We're going to show your country, we're going to show your supporters, we're going to show your wife,

we're going to show your kids. And he's like, you filmed that? Can I have a copy? I think everyone can know about that. How much do you want? Can I have a copy? Honestly,

this is a bribe, would you? Gabe has said, right, all right, I'll give you secrets. I will absolutely give up communism if you give me that date, that a Z. Right, oh wait, I'll give you secrets. I will absolutely give up communism if you give me that tape, that's class. Capitalism. Honestly, I'll introduce capitalism on people if you just give us a copy of that.

Did you get the bit where we were human centipede around the room? Man, that's class. Man, that's class. That's so good. Like what? Is it grainy? No, the footage is not me arsehole

it's also like how um how what post-world war too so like the 50s or 60s or a flight there must have been like fucking massive cameras like how do you miss them i mean look the tits on it cameras everywhere it's just distracted by tits and the idea. I love the idea of that so much. Man, we fucking got you. And that's what Trump really missed, his president. He didn't double down on that fucking PT.

Oh, when they're like, oh, you're pissed on the Russian. Russia's peed on him. The Russians pissed on him. And he's like, oh, class, I forgot about that. Give us a copy of that. He wouldn't forget about it can't sober

most untrustworthy thing about Donald Trump Donald Trump's sober never drank ever he's never drunk nah nah

he's all I mean there's plenty of rumours go around and stories coming from people who used to work with him back when he was on

The Apprentice a bunch of the showrunners claiming that he snorted heaps and heaps and heaps of Adderall. Like a lot, like he's fucking wired on something. And then there were plenty of times during many of the debates

with Hillary Clinton and fucking Biden where he looked fucking, you know, junked up and people were like, huh, see? So, I mean, there's some slightly credible sources, but I wouldn't say it for certain. But, I mean,

it kind of was weird anyway. Jenny Steven West January. Yeah, if we it kind of was weird anyway. January. Yeah, if we just get more rushes to piss on us. I heard the single best phrase I've ever heard in my life today from Gareth. He said, should we wet the baby's nose? And I died.

Surely it's dry the baby's nose. I don't know the same ring it makes more sense it makes more sense because you're wetting the beak you're drying

your nostrils well the baby's beak are you checking the time well just not because I want it to be over but just because I was thinking we're on such fucking good phone

we've got friends in the house as well we're hosting well I'm hosting a. We've got friends in the house as well. Yeah, we're hosting, well, I'm hosting a party at the moment, and Cara's putting my son to bed. Some people would say our son, particularly her, not me. But I was saying, we should pause it just now, get another quick drink, and in that time, because we're on good form, I reckon we write five new dad jokes. We're going to do some dad jokes for them. Yeah, I think we'll, you know. However. Your dad licks AA batteries trying to act hard. I reckon we write five new dad jokes we're going to do some dad jokes for them yeah I think we'll you know ah however

your dad licks double A batteries trying to act hard but bothered but but but but

but but but but but but but but

but but but but but but but but

but but but but but but but but

but but but but but but but but

but but but but but but but but

but but but but but but but but

but Your dad got pressed against the window by an alien And I talked through him like that scene from Independence Day What did it say? It was like, oh I'm an alien Oh look at me, I'm puppeteering a human dickhead Fucking sounds like a Jeff Dunham bit Your dad opens cans with a letter opener Letters with a can opener And his wrists with a Peter Smith cutter.

You feel me, don't you? Your dad took the cork out of a bottle of Prosecco out of his mouth and it fired above our next door's fence. Guys, I gave her a drink. Oh, fuck, I left my Prosecco over there. God, no. Your dad licks his finger Before turning a corner Your dad mirrored my body language

When I railed your mam In the cupboard he was hiding in Toppled over Your dad whistles By sticking his toes in his mouth And blowing And that's why he can never Hear like a taxi

You make him speed up Has to take his socks off his toes in his mouth and blowing and that's why he can never hear like a taxi make some speed up puts his two big feet in his mouth he's too big feet big toes you know but it's big feet the same as when you like put a finger each in your move. Fuck off. Yo, Dad, I lost his watch last time he stayed over at mine and I've only just found it in me shit.

You're like the crocodile in Hook. Captain Hook's fucking terrified whenever you walk by. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. God, we all laughed at Captain Hook

for having PTSD, didn't we, in that movie? Is that right? Aye, well. Just said that Hook should be cancelled. That's the next one. Your dad thinks that the sequel to the movie

James and the Giant Peach is the movie the Colin Firth movie The King's Peach why is that funny to me your dad's mask slipped when he said his vows at his wedding

your dad's mask slipped when he said his vows at his wedding when he felt like to when he said his vows at his wedding when he felt he had to leave your mother when nothing the cock goes on

I do both of them he says it directly into her eyes. He made us cry at the end. Just the way he said it. Venom.

You're getting fat. If you enjoy my comedy, and why wouldn't you, it's available for free on my website, douglasloss.com. It's a comedy show called X. Enjoy. And then if you enjoyed that, give me money for the other one. For the gimp. Someone's got a piece of me.

Send help. Send help. please reach send help send help if you are coming to want to come see us if you're in Dunfermline we're there on the

7th of January I believe yes aye then we've got Amsterdam January it's going to be a disaster we'll do a podcast we'll do a dry January

special fucking Matthew and Jack will be there they'll have to fucking do it they'll probably still find an excuse oh I can't come up and I'm stammering that's where the podcast is

and then I'm going to do a tour in the summer alright bragger March 19th didn't say which summer Indonesian summer March 19th I'm in Glasgow and then in Maine summer dates Didn't say which summer. Indonesian summer. Martin, you've had my class.

Go in there and make it. Dude, summer dates. Summer here, summer there. Shut up. I'm going to be here. Fucking super giant in his clothes. I think the new me's brilliant. I should have done this a long time ago. Are you sure you've done?

Where have you been? So anyway, cheers. Not you. God bless us. Oh, it's Christmas.