Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.15 Lucky there’s a Family Kai

Episode Date: January 18, 2023

A high Amsterdam podcast, but not the type of Amsterdam podcast you come to expect that really trims the herd, that one we recorded later that day and will be with you on Thursday. This is the nice, happy, silly high before the wheels came off the bus. Cream points out that Muggins' childhood stories all appear like Family Guy flashbacks.

Hello fuckers, welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road. This is a... Patreon? This is a Monday episode. Happy Monday to you all, or Wednesday for you tight cunts who do not subscribe to the Patreon. Congratulations, none of you asked for it, but you got it anyway. It's another Amsterdam special. Oh, but we don't want another one. Well, it's here, and we're high. What's worse is there's going to be another one for the patreon people but don't let that put you off signing up for patreon even though objectively should just pretend it's opposite day and feel the opposite fucking emotions can i be honest with

you there's at least seven points in this episode where there is dead air but the good news is i managed to talk kai out of of referencing them three times right still more than half still an unacceptable number but I think we can all agree it's a step in the right direction but the last half hour over this podcast

is very funny it's definitely worth definitely worth listening to I'm a bit all over the shop because well I've not smoked fucking weed in a while I'm having the time of my life

but it makes for fun later on in the episode Kai's special Punch Drunk is out on his website. You can go and watch that. Tell your friends to watch it. It's a very good special. It's the one about him and his brother

having a fight in order to raise money to save a child who has essentially uncurable cancer and save his life. It's a very moving and very funny story. I also have two specials on my website and you can also watch those One is Fiverr And one is free

Aren't we good to you all? inside your head that makes you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental rip job in the park kiss kiss kiss or am I just being cynical just muggled it up

on fucking muggle-a-pedia where have you been since 9-11 you got there bag of coke you'd be gutted if I told you I'm in a bag of coke you'd be gutted if I tell you

I'm in a bag of coke you know people listen on the audio I'm in a bag of coke just boosh we're just in this cloud do like you used to do when you finished

a bag of crisps in the playground boosh god you'd never be invited back out on this maybe that's the way I can get people

I bet you rickets would never ever offer me a line of coke if you fucking blew his bag up right in front of his face colour me rad in monochrome

if Ricketts had to be a bag and just went sealed it and then in his face it was just there he would never

under any circumstances he'd never risk it that's the way little life hack right if you're if you're growing older and you're sick of your mates

trying to get you partying ruin it once just completely and utterly the way little life hack right if you're if you're growing older and you're sick of your mates trying to get you partying ruin it once just completely gnarly we were with a friend who uh went brighton and he's trying to put a little one on his hand and he puts his leg ends up putting quite a bit of bump on his hand and then someone a glass collector come around to collect the drinks in and he just panicked and just put it through his hair he just ruffled it through his hair like that and where is he now I think quite well we're in Amsterdam we're going to give you

another Amsterdam fucking episode because Daniel's really high struggling a little bit please had to take him for a little walk before

even in your heart of hearts there's not even a little bit of you that believes any of that before. Even in your heart of hearts. There's not even a little bit of you that believes any of that. You might be able to out-sesh me, but I could smoke you into another universe. You can have weed, I'll have hot food.

I mean, did you? I mean, you did it today. There's no question that you did it, but are we calling that handling it? Well, you ordered the extra hot ramen. Yes., you ordered the extra hot ramen. Yes. And then Jack ordered the extra hot ramen. Ah.

And I had my eye on the house special. Yeah. And then somebody started making chicken noises. And I was like, I'll have the extra hot ramen, please. But could you make me an extra spicy and put a bit more chili in, please? And boy, did they oblige. And I ate the chili as well stem and all the steak

it was so funny because we weren't sat around the table it was like we were sat side by side at a long sort of bench and me and Matthew you know we're fine we've just had a couple of fucking spliffs we had some really lovely beef wagyu gyoza you were just what you were a regular ramen aye yeah the host one that I was looking at I was on the super hot one really lovely beef wagyu. You were just what? You were a regular ramen?

Aye. Yeah, the host one that I was looking at. I was on the super hot one, but I didn't ask for extra chillies. Well, you looked at me like you were hungry. Nobody made chicken noises at me, so there's no need to. You just had coma, the perrier.

I was like, can I get some yoghurt and a glass of milk for these two, please? I just hear Matthew laughing beside me and I look up and you have stopped eating. You are just like, you're not crying, but there was water coming from your eyes, but I wasn't crying. No, it's like an android fluid. It's malfunctioning. Your literal eyeballs were sweating.

Uh huh. And it was the fact that I couldn't take a deep breath because it was starting to catch my throat because it was one of them, what do you call it? A scotch bonnet. Aye. Sounds naughty that. And it was catching the back of my throat so i was like if i take a deep breath i'll cough and if i start coughing i'll never take a clean breath of air again so i was just shallow breathing you know like i couldn't eat because at one point at one point right bear in mind that the meal has been out for five minutes you were like it's just like it's really it's like burning the inside of my mouth so much That I'm worried That I'm just eating really hot

Like soup Physically hot soup yeah And it's burning my mouth And I'm like God you've had this for a while I guarantee you That's cold If there's any heat in your mouth

It's not coming from temperature Jack was going Touch it with your hand You can feel it's not hot I was like But I can't do actual physical scalding damage On my tongue Because it feels like it could

But anyway He's cowards I was fine he was you sort of seen him chucked fucking ice straight down his mouth at least I sat there

crying like a man texting your mum please come get me that's really coward oh it's hot hot that was toxic that was nice speaking of

Colin well two things we've been writing jokes for that was toxic that was nice speaking of Cullen well two things we've been writing jokes for the roast battle it's on Tuesday actually so like if you listen to this on early access

on the Monday in the Edinburgh area you can get there on Tuesday night at Monkey Barrel Cullen at the moment has one of my favourite just day to day bits

that he's doing just to wind Cara up and for Cullen's Christmas his grandparents got him like his own remote to just day-to-day bits that he's doing just to wind Kara up. And for Caelan's Christmas, his grandparents got him like his own remote. Like he loves television remotes, which is fine.

But when you're watching TV, it's annoying as fuck because you'll be watching something and you'll press a button and you're like, oh, like, okay,

well, I guess I'm watching, I'm not watching White Lotus anymore and also it's all on mute. Great. And I'm just going to watch it from the fucking sky menu. So we've got this one.

It's not like a toy. It doesn't look like a toy one. It's not like all pictures of tigers. You just just going to watch it from the fucking sky menu. So we've got this one. It's not like a toy. It doesn't look like a toy one. It's not like God Pitches a Tiger. You just look and he's playing Beehive Bedlam. He's on Teletext, et cetera, et cetera. Wow, you did that to my joke, didn't you? Wow. We'll put this joke in a box of this joke formula

and move it over there. We've all been down this avenue before. So it looks like a... Who could have went right down a rabbit hole with Teltex and been on bamboozle and booking all this? I owe you could have gone back

40 episodes but I'm pretty sure we ended up in this vein of comedy and arrived at the same punchline. So he's got the remote. And it looks like an adult one but it makes noise and stuff so it's got a fast forward option

and what Cullen does is he just aims at it and pretends he's fast forwarding through his life he'll be like three years old still not walking

slow developer seven years old going through chemo eleven years old where is he this is broken we need some new batteries for this thing

because he just gets through his life now like at 37 still living with you guys because in Cara's head that's what's actually happening

what's actually happening is that's who first killed is Brogan she's not not a fan there it's a really funny

thing to do because it's like right where it hurts like she'll understand that it's funny as a bit but also like could you stop but yeah can'll understand that it's funny as a bit but also like could you stop

but yeah yeah yeah can you just rewind it to before he was born and I was happy that's one of them

lulls that guy was talking about what I remember the guy mentioned the lulls on reddit I told you about this van on the podcast

oh well then well then let's not retweet it clearly it was such a boring story I just deleted it straight from my fucking memory

and again you always man you're allowed to just leave silences like it's not man people have listened

to this podcast so many times they're cool with it if it's too long we can edit it we're looking forward to that bit of chill in the middle.

Just a bit of just like, oh. Breathing space, coming up for air. We've been smoking for like 48 hours. We're allowed to take a wee breather. Matthew, just cut them out. Cut them clean out. Do you reckon people do that on podcasts? Do you think they cut out their As and Ms and As?

Fine, I reckon so. Do you reckon I meant to? Probably. There's podcasts That like Remove Oh you're not on mic Oh well Sorry mate There's podcasts

That like remove Mouth noises Mouth noises What other noises Am I going to make? Is that here? I'll put fart It'll be convenient

Alright Like if I'm telling a sexy story And you start licking your lips That sort of stuff Aye We'll get rid of that Why would you get rid of that? That's the hottest part of the podcast.

If I was talking and telling a particularly sexy story and then I was like bring a picture of that celebrity up, it would be able to cut out the noise of a wooga that you made. Your jaw hitting the floor. Unfortunately, we don't have the editing skills to stop your eyes bulging out of your head. Hot stalks.

Say hubba hubba. That would be be I think a terror one of the movies that I'm like don't ever remake it is Jim Carrey's The Mask

why just because I do like who do you realise well because I feel like so many Jim Carrey roles

you just can't you can't hear us out Ben Affleck Ben Affleck's The Mask how am I thinking with a deadpan deadpan mask Here is out. Here is out. Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck's the mask. Oh, yeah, man.

I'm thinking about it. Deadpan. Deadpan mask. It doesn't work. It's just him wearing a regular mask. Just unblinking. Just all of his emotions with the one face. Ben Affleck in a regular mask is actually called Batman.

So that man's been done. Oh, there we go. Fucking Stance Monster. Tell us about the Galapagos Islands again That was class Oh what the The Judas Goats Aye So out of the Galapagos Islands

Obviously the place where Fucking Charles Darwin Discovered Well came up with the theory of evolution Being like hold on How come all these How come all these birds Are similar looking

But also a bit different Why's that one got a longer beak why's that one got a longer beak why's that one got a shorter beak hold on what's this all about and that's where he came up with the theory there's turtles there

called Galapagos turtles and they used to live on one of the many islands only one and if you went there like I think it was about 20, 30 years ago

there would be you know maybe a thousand of these things well they're a big ass turtles that you could ride well I don't I don't think any of the turtles are the turtles that you can ride

you haven't seen Finding Nemo first of all how dare you yes I have I have never respected as a documentary it is then so 20, 30 years ago you go there there's all these you know I have never respected as a documentary it is then so

20-30 years ago you go there there's all these you know not rainforest but there's forests there and all of these turtles will be dwelling

like in their little fucking puddles and all the rain will come down from the tree and collect and they'll be in the shade and they'll be fine and then

a while after that they start going there and there's no fucking trees left there's no fucking shrubbery there's like only 100 of these turtles left and there's just like trees left. There's no fucking shrubbery. There's like only a hundred of these turtles left. And there's just like fucking way too many goats, like a hundred thousand goats. And these goats have eaten all the vegetation.

And because of the loss of vegetation, it means these turtles are no longer thriving. So people are like, what do we do here? Right. Because like there's only a hundred of these turtles left and there's a hundred thousand goats. I can do the math there. But also there's other islands with these fucking goats on like we don't need

to keep these alive this thing is an endangered species what do we do? So they do what any normal person would do at that point in time and get a bunch of helicopters Some flame thrusters

A bunch of assault rifles and just do do do do do do just fucking flame it's the ride of the Valkyrie as they go out Oh yeah Aye

But obviously after a while the goats get a little bit wise to the fact that helicopter noises means the bad shit's about to happen. They start building some anti-surface missiles. Yeah, they burrow underground. A lot of them learn to swim and evolve and get on the man.

Some of them just go into hibernation. If you've not seen any of these stories in the news it's because the Western media is suppressing what's going on. It's the Madox. The Madox have got it in for the Galapagos goats. Right, you heard of the Great Emu War. Nobody is talking about the fucking Cold War, right?

The time about Armagotan, that's going on right now. No way. The Galapagos Islands. Don't laugh at that! He laughed at it. It's in. Jack's going,

now you're laughing. There we go again. Got the whole room. Five emojis off all of you. it's in Jack's going now you're laughing there we go got the whole room

five emojis off all of you scattering them alright well the goats are hiding right and obviously while they're hiding

they're just fucking shagging and breeding like fucking goats they start becoming nocturnal sun's up guns up so what they do is they start capturing goats

and they start sticking trackers on them right because if you stick a goat on an island it's going to be dead lonely it's like

I'm going to go find the goats where's the party at just looking in the nightclubs and I like join the queue

for the nightclub get in they get to the nightclub and then blade wax in just start slashing the fuck out of them

just gone gone gone he led we're here the snitch the other one that I've kept alive by the way so glad you went

I'm so glad you went Blade, because my brain was just going, don't do the Miami gate option. Don't, don't do it. You still did it? There's another reference. You still did it? I know. Blade was there, they recovered you, and you went, no,

I'm still going to do my joke. The one I needed to save him from, I will step in front of. Somebody's firing a gun just out of the wall, I'm like, no, I'm pushing you into it. So they keep one of the goat alive that's snitched on everyone in the nightclub. They call it the Judas goat. Now, at some point, right,

there are some of these Judas goats, which obviously by the end, humanity wins and we say, we killed all the fucking goats and the turtles are fucking fine, right? But there was two things that happened. Either the goats were like the turtles are fucking fine. Right. But there was two things that happened. Either the goats were the, like the last surviving 15 Judas goats.

And the scientists were like, all right, fair enough. They've done us a favor here. What we're going to do is we're going to fucking castrate them. We're going to make them infertile. And then we'll just let them. Yeah.

We'll let them live out their lives as just goats that can't breed since the last remaining ones. Or sometimes some of the goats would work out eventually that wherever they went all of their mates died they just stopped going places i'm just like no i don't want to i don't want to get too close to you juliet man that would that would catch on i mean you'd pick that Even Ghosts are fucking stupid But after five times Of you walking into a room Being like

Oh thanks so much for coming This is Julia This is Julia's girlfriend Sarah This is my flatmate I'm woke Alright Rainbow I'm woke

Alright Rainbow This is how I am I bet I bet nobody heard Kai licking his lips there Lesbian Ghost I bet nobody heard Kai licking his lips there lesbian goat and they

do do do do do and you're like fuck okay well boy I'm so lucky I'm gonna have to go tell all my other friends about this crazy story

they just guys guys everyone around me gets shot you'll not believe what happened I walked over to a party and do do do do do exactly exactly that happened oh my god by the third or fourth time Everyone around me gets shot. You'll not believe what happened. I walked into a party and... Exactly.

Exactly that happened. Oh my God. By the third or fourth time. But to be fair, if that was me and I kept walking into rooms and then everyone I knew was getting shot, after my family's gone,

after my friends are gone, I'm becoming an MP. I'm doing four years in Parliament. Going to Parliament. Where would you stop right see if it did start happening right

if just now somebody ran into the yeah booted the door and right chopped me and Jack and

Matthew right would lay on the floor dying of blood aye and then you were like

oh my god you're traumatised fucking you get on the flight you get home you walk into your living room

and eh just someone comes in just culling killing carrot just splattered all over your

living room right do you go to your mum and dad no I'll probably I'll probably phone them you know car just splattered all over your living room, right? Do you go out to your mum and dad? No, I'll probably,

I'll probably phone them. Yeah, and they'll phone them and be like, oh, fuck, fuck. Well, I better tell the police

about this. Dox yourself. Don't do it I'd slap me lips How How unbelievable Is the venue we're in Out in Amsterdam

Aye That was class that I was really high Doing soundcheck And I loved it Because like You're just off the offstage mate You're just doing announcement

And walk on And the big light transition I'm just looking up And running out of the light So it's like being in wonderland alice in wonderland just tripping miles looking at the lights and just come to the make but just chat on the sound check was just like i enjoyed that i was so high that i thoroughly enjoyed high like sound check and then i got to my gig time and then i was like oh i've done it again it's all right well and good just stroll and run absorbing lights it again. It's all right, well and good, just

fucking strolling around absorbing lights. It's another thing having to remember a set and time it right and perform it right. But you pull it together. It's fine. You're actually overthinking it more than you need to. Yeah. And also, I mean, first of all, the audience don't really know your height. And second of all, if they do know your height, they also don't care. They're Dutch and they're used to fucking comedians coming over here and getting do life yeah they had like circus on in the venue so it's like it's a big round sort of theater and then there's like i'd say like 500 600 seats on the floor but when the circus is on those floor seats are gone and that's like the flat ground

that they use for the performers they move some of the seats to the stage so it's more like a ring around this thing um eric our promoter right here was seats to the stage so it's more like a ring around this thing Eric our promoter out here was showing us the videos of it and man I feel like it's fucking trapeze shit it's fucking

there's horses running around and shit wasn't there aye because right we're at the stage now in circuses right we are

man they've upped their game no no no there's animal rights it's it's thoroughly seeped its way into the circus, right? You're not doing anything to elephants anymore. Nobody's sticking their head in a fucking tiger's mouth.

They're not making a bear dance. No, no, that's all. We all agree that's fucking wrong. To the point where, this is funny just how much we've, I think horses are like dogs in that we've just domesticated them so much we're like, look, but that'll never change. Like there's no horses we're just They're not being forced into that they're being agreeable Yeah because we bred them to be agreeable. They're just like I don't know why this guy is standing on my back with his daughter doing a handstand on his head. But I'm in.

But you know what I like running around in circles and I like sand. Isn't he harsher than me? These guys have got heaps of fucking oats. I'm not really that fast. I've got shit in common me and this guy. Having a good time, just dancing around at the circus. Pair of pricks. Look at that, getting paid for it now.

Look at us. Getting paid, right? Oh, right there, back to the start of Point Lake. I realised we weren't getting paid. I thought the elephant was just on strike, trying to get a bit of wages.

When was the last time you went to a circus? I'll be out is that a different answer I don't know if I ever have been have I I went to that Cirque du Soleil thing with you

yeah when we took X to save Vegas yeah that was good but that also wasn't like that wasn't was it Cirque du Soleil it was or was it Le Clique

oh fuck you're right it was Le good but it also wasn't like that wasn't was it Cirque du Soleil it was or was it Le Clique oh fuck you're right it was Le Clique no it wasn't no it was Cirque du Soleil but it was a weird Cirque du Soleil one where it wasn't it wasn't just like

backflips and shit it was like their version of a cabaret show yeah so it was like Cirque du Soleil

with some of that but then also like fucking juggling the magicians I did feel like people were going to get seriously Soleil with some of that but then also like fucking Juggling the Magicians. I did feel like people were going to get seriously hurt when I was watching that. Aye, that's the fucking point, man.

Aye. It's like, man, I would have loved to have gone to the Spider-Man musical. Oh, I went to that? I went to that in New York? The one where like

nine other Spider-Mans died. Oh, I mean, I wasn't watching that. No, I wasn't at the one where they died Is that what you're saying You'd love to be at that Yeah I went to see the show

Wow okay So you took the gamble I would have absolutely Taken the gamble I was like buying a lottery ticket Imagine you go to one of the shows And that's one of the ones Where you get

Mate I didn't even know At the time I didn't know at the time When I was watching it That there was a big Fucking controversy about it Really Which is probably why

We got hold of tickets But now I went in and watched it. It was class. Oh, man. Slightly on the fucking same note. So, they've sent you in the beautiful Carri Theatre

out in Amsterdam. Not only did they have Cirque du Soleil, but we were talking to some of the staff and they had Book of Mormon in last year. And I was like,

was there any complaints? Because Book of Mormon was on in Edinburgh and even though Scotland's quite a fucking liberal place and even though, don't get me wrong, we certainly have a history

of being religious. There's certainly religious people in Scotland. Not in fucking Edinburgh. You can make fun of the fucking Mormons who gives a shit. But apparently there were still

some complaints and I was like, were there any protests or any complaints in Amsterdam? And she was like, yeah, there were. Every day there were some Mormons outside

and we were like, oh. Like making a picket line. Yeah, being like, this isn't right Activists Yeah Mormon activists

No just Just recruiting Aye Trying to sign people up Just being like Did you like that You see how creepily weird we are Aye

Didn't fuck anyone though Did we Didn't touch any kids You wanna Huh Did they I mean it's gotta be They must know they're being made fun of

Yeah They know that it's not like If an infomercial that people are queuing up to go and see yeah but I think I think Mormons are like you know

you know in AI you know they're like robots are just not trained to hit you you can like push them and hit them and whatever and they're just they're not trained

that's I think that's what a Mormon is like I think if you're just because that's like you can't see anything as an aggression no not really

everything just seems passive to them aye I watched one of those those fucking pedo got you videos right you know

when they like somebody goes online pretends to be a girl aye and then they get the person that's grooming them to try and buy them a phone or something

and then get neglected yeah yeah yeah and then be like fucking got you there was one of them in America where the guy went the guy doing it

was a fucking Mormon and he was so fucking calm like sociopathic calm when they were like telling him that he was caught quoting the things I was like yeah yeah

no I understand it yeah I understand it was he just like I'm above it well no it was more I think in his head it's going to happen eventually thought it would be ages

gone been fucking reading me look for a while now I'm gone should I get in the van cough as man happen eventually thought it would be ages gone been fucking raiding me looking for a whale do and we're gone shall I get in the van coffers man I'm grand man I'll get in

any kids in there where have you trot chance to be a fine thing I got away with seven years I just thought I'd come up lucky one more time I chuck us in juvie I've got the mentality of a child

does that help? I'll stay longer for bad behaviour I think in his head this whole thing was like okay this is fine I'll just I'll pass this on to my whatever the name of the

person above him is the fucking grand wizard oh Joseph Ritzel it's something like that isn't it? Joseph something oh no I mean like the priest't it? Joseph something Oh, no I mean like the

Like the priest The rank of priest Above him Oh, no I thought you meant Their Jesus Their Jesus He's called Joseph

Aye Is he? Aye, yeah Not the other one The prophet Not Jesus' dad Nah They just didn't

Generation up Maybe, I mean They didn't ancestor Jesus Not that one Nah They didn't 32 and me Jesus

Did they find out Who was top Jesus 32 and me That's the DNA testing isn't it oh is it I think so I think so

it rings a bell do you buy into that conspiracy that that whole thing of like tracing your family tree is just so the government can get your fucking DNA and have it on fucking fire

oh there you go maybe really I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know

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I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don right in aye aye but they might get out like lass DNA smothering all the way a baby and just going there's the baby's DNA

and they've just got loads of copies of your lass on the system actually I said babies she's got nine of her because the original

one understood thanks for the help with that buddy do I think it's a conspiracy now that you've just told us it

I don't think it's legitimised is it do people buy into it like fully I don't think it's legitimised, is it? Do people buy into it fully? I've never seen it before. No, people definitely fucking buy into it. People out there still believe in QAnon.

They're still like, hi, the storm is coming. At what point would you get chipped if they tell you a chip does certain things, right? Like, for instance, you check into a hotel, you scan your chip and they go, right, your room is whatever, and your chip just opens your door now. You don't need a key card or anything. You can just go into a hotel You scan your chip And they go Your room is whatever And your chip just opens Your door now You don't need a key card You can just go into a hotel

Boop Chip your door So you don't have to Be transactional You don't have to have Bits of stuff You don't have to have keys Because you chip a lot

With your car But you don't need Your car keys And when you're in the car It's E I can just high five The guy at the cash register And my chip's got E

Bang yeah Transactions and all that Like fucking All of this Charge your phone I can just high five the guy at the cash register and our chips go down. Oh, man, bang, yeah. Transactions and all that, right? Like, fucking all of this. Charge your phone. I mean, I'm going to say pretty early on, like, I'm 32. I'm boring now.

Like, I'm not like, oh, God, I don't want to know where I am. Like, what are they going to do? I'm still in my home. Like, it's, yeah. Like, it's just that all it is is just that

we'd be the guinea pigs of it and you'd be able to clone someone's chip and they've got access to your fucking car, your hoose, your fucking everything because they've cloned your chip. But if they could just make it foolproof, like even if you're watching where I'm going,

like there you go, that's a trade. I've got a class life where you can look at me. I feel like I've got the better end of the bargain. Hold on, so your job, your job is to watch

what I do at home on a screen yeah I'm the most someone has to do it I don't think I'm interesting enough for them to

for them to get anything out of monitoring us they'll advertise to us and occasionally I'll follow up and buy the thing I think that'd be a good I think that'd be a good I think that'd be a good thing

I don't know how much I'd ever trust the contact lenses which are like, if you want to know where you're going it'll put your Google Maps into your fucking contact lenses and it'll show you on the road I don't know that because I'm also like, you're just going to advertise to me constantly

I can give you my location I don't know that because I'm also like you're just going to advertise to me constantly yeah like they say I can't get I can't give you my I can give you my location but at no point can I give you the rights to my vision yeah

you'll just the thing with focused advertising it's something like it's starting to get it right quite a bit like you know it'll just get like we're on about this time

yeah I'll start getting advertised too for snowboarding gear and at that time I'm like I need some snowboarding gear I'm snowboarding and you'll you might not buy the stuff you've been advertised to but you look at it but at least it's something

you're interested in when you're scrolling or when you're looking around but it's still intrusive i described it as it's like coming back from holiday and you're getting your house right and it's been broken into and they've just tidied up no i filled your fridge filled your fridge and all that right and you fucking feel violated, but you're like good good Well, you're looking under your bed before you got to sleep And they can they get in again, well they definitely do that next time start leaving the door Yeah, I don't know how much because you know on my last phone

I've just updated my phone right now on my last phone it was like this app wants to track you or whatever and I was just like allow once

because of whatever I'm doing now I'm just like fucking just allow allow I've got my new phone I'm just like stop giving a fuck man you've ground us down

just monitor every fucking thing I take up all your stuff yeah of course you've got right to dial me photos here's my wedding ring where I put it? Should I just pop it through here? Take everything mate aye.

Getting heart rate monitors and all that. Checking how long you're going to live. I'll probably start selling people insurance based on that in America. That might be a good feature. In our healthcare. That might be a good thing. Healthcare. That may be a good feature of them fucking chipping you. Like see if part of the thing was like, look, we're going to fucking chip you.

We're going to find you out where you are the whole time. But also the second there's like arrhythmia or anything bad in your body, we'll tell you. It's like Star Trek. Like we'll just be constantly monitoring your vitals. And because we know where you are and because we want you to live longer, because the longer you live, the more money you fucking spend.

It's within our interest to keep you alive. This is where it falls down. I'm like, I like capitalism. All right. This is where it falls down. I'm down for that if you've got free healthcare, right? But if you've got paid for healthcare, that's because you kind of, oh, look at he.

You need this sorted. No, no, no. Because Audi, think that of us. Audi, because it's fucking communicating with Audi, right? It's the least car, but the fucking ring is up, gan. I've just got a notification off your car

that the brake fluid needs changing or something like that right it's like just the time or the miles that you've done

it's due to be updated and brakes are fine right and I'm just saying your car's a fucking snitch I'm leasing this I'm handing it back to Rondoon

they won't get me fucking in get a bit of bean off us and then fucking spit us back out in the world and I'll hand back this car

that'll have pimped Out the fucking course Of the tenure Or at least cars like Red and flat So you wouldn't be able To paint the inside of it Or hang up any photos

Or anything You can't do that now No Oh Jesus Just you Hammering the old Picture of you Smoking weed

And I'm nailing it Into the car window From the inside I've got it like a salt mine in there. Just you hanging up a phone being like, oh God, I wish I could look at this on my laptop. Just into the glass. Augmentations, that's going to be the next thing that we're getting.

I don't know how many augmentations I'd take though like I'm not saying I wouldn't take any would me getting my teeth done be counted as an augmentation absolutely yeah getting your eyes fixed as an augmentation

God made you fucking disabled and you spat in his face aye when you let science shine a laser into your eyes how about that

now I've got better eyes than you God what have you done just run out of battery did you hear that I don't think the podcast picked that God. What have you done? Running a battery? Do you hear that? I don't think the podcast picked that up, but that fire engine? Definitely running a battery.

That's another thing, you know, when you go to other countries, how, what's the correct term here? Flamboyant. Their sirens are. I'm going to come across too toxic here, but we got some manly sirens in the UK. I think so. Oh, man.

Have you ever heard French sirens? Oui! Oui! Is that a riot? Like, man, no. That one as well. It was me. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. You just want to fucking get your Tonka truck there and just pull it back over. Tonka. It wasn't a Tonka. Tonka a Tonka truck there and just pull it back a bit Tonka, I wasn't a Tonka Tonka truck, wind it back a bit, get the wheels back get a bit of fucking momentum going again

I'm just going to go off on several tangents here Oh class can't wait for this Was there any when you were growing up and it was getting to Christmas and birthdays, was there ever any present that you remember growing up and it was getting to Christmas and birthdays, was there ever any present that you remember like asking for occasionally but never

getting one that, like at no point did you ever... I've got one. The snowman that made you slush puppies. That's exactly my one! You didn't get that one? No, man. I thought you would have had about 12 of them. No, because it was one of those ones...

You just can't leave the August catalog open at that page it wasn't Mr Frosty was it something like that yeah Mr Frosty that's Tony the Tiger excuse me what

what did you just say what did you just say nothing you there I'm going to hit you up Because the ad for it was good I mean it was such small things I remember my neighbour

Had one And no we're not This isn't me being like What I didn't get The reason I didn't get that Is because I was seven years old And I asked for a bunch of things I gave them a list of ten things

They got me three of those things And every birthday One in one out With presents as well Is it Mr Frosty? Yeah Oh my Yeah

I'm so fucking yeah absolutely did you have Manta Force huh Manta Force no they were class like spaceship type stuff

no I think it might have been like a fucking knock off Star Trek thing but the spaceships were class and then like

you'd have like this big spaceship right that you could pick up with a little handle there which was a thruster or whatever

but you can also press a button and take that off and you can see the inside of the spaceship and you've got all your little men at different parts of the spaceship and you've got a little man at different

parts of the deck do you not get them no oh they were fucking class them how big were they like this big and then when they opened up they had like other little devices in like a little fucking like rock track of that i'll go on off onto the planet and go and search and run for stuff like a manly poly pocket hi if you couldn't fit it in your pocket like Polly rucksack. Polly tote bag. Your middle class is showing. No, man,

that force. No. No. And tell us you're fucking not too old, too young to have had

a He-Man and Thundercats. Yeah, no, missed, missed, missed that lever on the arm

lever on the arm and it makes them punch yeah yeah yeah and then there was the kind of reptile one where you do the wheel and its tongue comes out and it lashes up

the flippy head Power Rangers oh no so they were in the Power Rangers suit and then they had their human head and you pressed a button and guess what now they look like the Power Ranger but isn't their body the same

shh so did they just put the mask on man it was just it was a full fucking body and it was just a head two heads on a spring that

fucking rotated right you press it he's normal you press it he's got his thing but the whole time yeah still wearing his fucking brown was

there a brown power ranger costume wise there was a brown ranger oh right oh oh that's do I love?

Which ones did you... So is that the only one that you can think of that you didn't get? There was one, and this is like, you know when, we've discussed this before, you know when you're young and you want something and an older member of your family is really trying to get you the right thing,

but because they're old and they don't understand kid jargon they get the wrong thing so they're going to try and get you something Halo-y yeah and then they end up and it's not Halo-y or it's like they buy me something Splinter Cell and I'm like oh you're great whatever or they buy you a Playstation game for your Xbox that sort of shit

I used to love the WWE figures Stone Cold, The Rock everyone for some reason Kane was impossible to fucking get could not find Kane for love no matter

this is pre-internet right so the only way you have to get fucking it's mad that because as soon as you reach 20 you're looking for

Kane all over the place as well is that a street name for coke cocaine oh jeez

oh it was candy canes candy cane um human figures no no no wwe figures oh yeah so you couldn't get came for love no money you go to a toy store right there well there's rikishi right there's remus stereo there's the dudley boys no cane there's undertaker where's undercare take us care empty box next time nothing and one day my grand grandpa have gone over to america to visit my cousins over there and my grandparents obsessed with their grandkids they knew they were like they knew i wanted a cane toy they go to a toy store out there they find a fucking cane wwfa they're so excited they phone me up and tell me

i'm like i cannot believe this when are you back three weeks that's too far away get back tell me it was like a cuddly toy of Kane man it was like one that you'd get out of a fucking kinder egg

a little key ring yeah it was Kane and it was a Kane action figure they didn't get any of the description wrong

but it was like he was this big and underage at least three times his size. So you just got them all next to each other in your wrestling ring? Oh yeah,

and I think I've always, you know, been a decent enough actor. I didn't kick off, you know, I did the thing you do, which is you fucking swallow up and you go,

thank you. You know, this is exactly what I wanted. I love you both. Kiss, kiss, amazing. And then like... That one just looks so patronising. Oh, great.

Mwah. Mwah, dad, thank you. A pair of huge... Oh, give me one more hug. and then like that would just look so patronising oh great mwah mwah dad thank you in a pair of huge oh give me one more hug I don't even think I'd have the heart to tell my gran now

that she got it wrong you've got to come up as well you'll be the one trying to fucking buy a son trying to work with what they want

yeah what they're into I think I'll be did you have them Inside I would pop my things Where you like Turn them inside

And put them on the thing And then they'd fire up Into the sky Aye Yep They were good They were very good Doesn't work as well with condoms

Nah nah I've been waiting there for you Just sometimes Sex worker being like You paid for half an hour Come on Any minute man Watch

I'm just turning inside Watch Pain Come on Any minute man Watch Yeah I don't I didn't Just turn it inside out Watch Pain Times money You get them Things that you look through And you put a disc in

You click in It'll be like Scenes from an action film Or whatever Cartoon Yeah yeah yeah Always made my dad Do the voices over the top Did he? No put a disc in, click in, it'll be like scenes from an action film or whatever. Cartoon. Yeah. Always made my dad do the voices over the top. I did it.

No. Fucking poor ass household. That would be so sad. That would be so sad. You be so sad you're sat there like right dad I'm going in he's got no idea what you're looking at

he's like oh man he kicked off at this last time he spent all night revising right frame one fucking he-man

gets off battle cat scene two he guns he storms up the skeletal like what you playing at you been

looking at my lass scene three skeletal's like oh she's not your maid it's just what we're

there what he's saying Dan memorises that when you're going through he has to

recite it there that's what happened in your house that was his version of the cinema.

Shall we go for a wee... A little smoke break? Oh, I meant kiss, but alright. I mean... When does this start getting embarrassing? You got no air in those lungs? Couldn't blow the bag? I've only got one

cork in it, Ray, but we've started writing the event that we're celebrating on corks and putting them in a jar. What? We got sent, off cat, Natalie's best friend sent... I'm not Natalie's best friend? So we found out.

What? Since when? Yeah, you were my best man, you fought yours. I was on her side. No, no, no, you were on the wrong side. That was me, that. See, that sent you them flowers asking you. Sent you a trolley talking, actually.

It did. So, celebrating the Dugganbone I had the Dugganbone written on a champagne bottle And it was like the first one of the year You call it the Dugganbone there? Dug Bar replay Alright

And we wrote it on Celebrating opening the Dugganbone Put it in a pod We haven't put any more in since Yeah But you know if we're opening a bottle of champagne For a reason Who's for doing that?

Muggle Corner? 30 seconds? Definitely Muggle Corner 30 seconds definitely Muggle Corner but I can't wait to like you know obviously the duck and bone is a very good one proud of you both

for your venture into your wife's business it's going so well as well I'm chuffed it will be great when you just start lowering the standard

of what it is because maybe one day it'll be like you know what it's our five year wedding anniversary oh you know she's pregnant

oh we got you know we opened up a second duck and bone and then you'll just like in 50 years time you just pick it out and it'll be things like didn't shit blood abortion abortion abortion it's only one she's just throwing it up in the air and accidentally catching it I was telling you so obviously Caelan has now been in his swimming class for five months now

and I don't need to tell you that I love my son you know he's no matter what he wants to be in life as long as he's happy that's all that's important to me he doesn't have to be beautiful he doesn't have to be smart

he doesn't have to be brave he just has to be himself and that's enough for me as a father well that's how you should be for yourself can we pause can we can we just pause can I just I just need to move

a matter of breakthrough on the podcast serious breakthrough I was thinking four grand into therapy turns out I just needed Geordie Lifeguard

amnesia haze and not enough water in the day so he's not keeping up with the other kids and swimming he's not as good

as the other kids and swimming does Cara still think he is who knows what goes on in our heads no I think she's aware but she's like me it's not as good as the other kids in swimming. Does Cara still think he is? Who knows what goes on in our heads? No, I think she's aware, but she's like me.

She doesn't care. It's not important to us. The thing is, the instructor, who's very, very nice, he's like, he will get it one day. We're like,

buddy, we don't care that much. He's 21. He's got his armband on. I'll leave that be if he's just flapping around. Just like happy Gilmore. He's still doing that thing with the called egg flips. I'll leave that baby he's just flapping around he's just just like happy Gilmore he's still doing

that thing with the called egg flips you know the little flying saucers that go on the pool and you blow bubbles underneath them and they flip over

so when you're teaching swimming that's how you get the kid they put their face in the water they're gamified by blowing bubbles underneath this

and they flip over he's 21 he's doing that he's got no problem putting his head forward like you hold him on his tummy right

and you keep his head out of the water man and he loves being in the water he's a happy boy he splashes around he loves slapping the fucking water

and occasionally he'll be like god keeping your neck up is so exhausting I was just trying to have a rest

so he's So he's not He doesn't hang on to the The side of the pool He's just He looks around all the time It's absolutely fine Yeah he's too like safe That you're going to rescue him

Whatever happens Ah yeah He's aware that we're there The entire time Anyway We go there for five months Pre-Christmas At the end of the lesson

One of the mums Goes up to Cara gives her an invite to her son's first birthday for Caelan so Caelan's

first birthday invite to a birthday party to the water park they're just trying to get rid of him we can't we couldn't go unfortunately

the birthday party crossed over when we were in up north. So we got them a birthday card. We got them a wee birthday present, right? We gave it to them, this swimming lesson. Yeah, that fucking swimming lesson.

The other mum gives us a thing, invites us to another birthday party. Her son's first birthday. We're away. It's when we're in Paris, and I'm taking Caelan and Carol over to Paris with me. So we've turned this down twice, right? And now his birthday's coming up.

And now his birthday's coming up. He's going to have no one there He's going to be a loser Because everyone's going to pie you Because of politics We're not even politics You see they don't know Okay I won't care

We would He won't care He'll be chuffed If people don't turn up man Take a metro Get some coke You think he's like me Also the problem is

Because when we were up there North Ham I was the one that text One of the mothers Being like hey thanks so much for the invite but unfortunately we're away this weekend

that we do really appreciate it she then passed my number on to the other mum who was like hey hope it's okay here's the fucking invite just RSVP with me so I'm now

the point of contact with the mum are you in the whatsapp I'm in the whatsapp I don't know how many is in it's just no no no I'm sorry I'm not in a whatsapp group there I'm in the WhatsApp I don't know how many he's in It's just No no no I'm not in a WhatsApp group there

I'm not We're not there yet Right I am just DM one Yeah but I can't That's my job forever You can't like just go

I'm just going to put you on To be secretary And then Colin deals with it I can't be like I'm going to Here's my Fiance's number Please do this with her

It's just It's now I'm I'm'm kaylin's dad your birthday liaison for the kids birthday stuff for everything fucking now you know i mean there's women lessons what else is there would they go to messy they go to the same messy players messy play the cake smash thing no have you seen them you have the baby just like smashes cake in the face yeah uh-huh yeah cara wants to what do you pay for that I'll come round and do it for a note

I'll leave the cake in the oven for you and just come out with this black fucking bit of rock keep going I'm trying to get a reference just like you

at my son's first birthday like Steve Aoki what's Steve Aoki again he's the guy that just he's a DJ in Vegas

and he just gets massive kicks And just fucking Yeets them into his crowd's face Does he? Oh man Like there was a video You know how the internet Takes things out of context

And then likes to go after people occasionally One of the videos that was out there They went after Steve Yogi Who I've just heard of No one's safe One of his fans Is in the audience Right

And his fan His fan is In a wheelchair Right It's just a full wheelchair easy target right and the video is of Steve Aoki

and man this guy's thrown so much cake in his life he doesn't even see legs he makes some incredible shots I'm talking this shot it's from like 30-40 fucking yards away

and he creams this fucking cunt right in the dish right wow but that's just the video the way it went the only bit of him

you can move but Matthew can't this video the way it was the only bit of him you can move but Matthew can't this video up oh man that was a bit I've got control over poison rake on my face and custard

and twinkles and a bit of sugar here we go there he is on stage uh huh is this cake gonna come am I gonna flinch

here we go fuck off he writes fuck off boof hold on there's one thing saying he's a good shot he would have hit

somewhere aye but that's who he was aiming for no it wasn't it was aye aye

pick your pocket pick your pocket that one there he called it that was the one how would he call it there's a whole fucking crowd of people

aye I'd be fucking mad if it was just one guy at his gig aye did you for coming so that was a disabled guy aye

he is new no man that's a quality for me that's you know it'd be very Jim Davidson wouldn't have thrown a kick at him

nah nah he wouldn't let them in nah that reference for people who want to know Jim Davidson the brave brave comedian from the 70s

crosses crosses the line wouldn't go on stage and do his disabled jokes because there was disabled people you're going to have to get them out if he wants to do the show

wheel them out so there's your there's your brave groundbreaking I I don't think anyone that's watching this

loves him I think there's some you think so you think you're going to get people stoned like Johnny Depp I tell you what let's go back to the boring

dad and mum chat These women have no idea who I am What, they've never met you? They just don't know the real me You're Caelan's dad I'm Caelan's dad and they're lovely to me like man, they're real nice

But are they ruffling your hair when they think you're like oh stand-up comedian aye uh-huh yeah like they are like you've got to remember so they're on maternity leave

because it's still within the first year of their chance I'm talking to them now I know they're going back to work I know they're not looking forward to it because they love their kids but also they're you know

hey they get to be away from people do you hear them whispering about you just kind of oh it's sort of blokey I'm like where's where's the mother no I don't hear it I think

is he a non-slake so she must she must do something she must be she must be at work now well I mean well no but she's here as well

she must be the breadwinner you're just like oh no she's off cutting her nails down her head what do you do I'm a comedian and to them it's just I've just said the words

I do poetry I'm a j and to them it's just I've just said the words I do poetry I'm a juggler there's some money in that so you think that you want to get them to your party so they can see your house so they can come in

and get these on me Jordans and they're just it just reinforces they're just there in the garden going what does Cara do

no I think she must be a CEO I just stand in the garden going What does Cara do? No I think my No no She must be a CEO I think man My comedy Is for a specific Type of person It's not for everyone

I don't Like There are Cara has other friends Who are Parents Who I know for a fact They do not like my stand up

It's not Yeah I've got that one aye there's people just they'll still get lagging when they say yeah comedy's not for them

aye and I also get the fucking paranoia that man just because I'm so very open and honest in my fucking stand up about fucking you know

drugs and partying and swearing and being a dick yeah all that sort of shit they'll be like we're not we can't let our son

like Galen can come round to our house and play but we're not sending our kids. So you're some like fucking rock and roll. Not even that. Like Hank Moody. No, no, no, no, no.

They think you're Hank Moody. No, Hank Moody was cool. I think they think I'm a genuine liability. Like I think they think they're like, you know, if they were like, if their kid was like, can we go over and play with Kalen? They'll be like, let me phone and make sure Cara's in. Let's make sure it's not just Daniel yeah I've got a thing with I'll plug the dog and bone on my Instagram

and try to get as many followers as I can for Natalie but then she was like oh when your Glasgow show's coming up like I've got quite a few Glasgow followers now from the dog park so I can try and do that and I'm like oh that would probably sell tickets or whatever but I don't think there's a crossover there really I think I can send people

her way but if she's sending people my way that's a big risk of if they've gone I'm a hard cunt bunch of Gogglebox fans

so you want to maybe not not to insult the clientele of Duggan Boone but they might be stoned I mean they might be stoned

might they get no in the same way the swimming club mothers aye aye I just

I think they would find your comedy uncouth aye but I think if you could make comedy for them you'd be fucking jinxed that's where the part of money is in comedy is hitting them guys straight down the middle Peter Kay straight down the middle straight down the middle inoff straight down the middle straight down the middle

inoffensive just fucking here you go aye just like this is how you dance at weddings aye mind you that is a very good good Gareth Wobbit

have you seen Gareth's bit yeah scooting on your knees that's Peter Kay your mum dancing at weddings your mum dancing to George Ezra at weddings oh no

oh man oh yeah where he does the dance aye Peter Kay a bit it's does the dance it's every Scottish mum I'm looking forward to Kelly dancing at her wedding she's uninvited what fuck's sake I'm going to dance for you now

just on my own we've made sure That the Kaylee band That we've booked Are also Understanding That they've got to

Remind all of the people All of the Scottish people What the dances were Because it's been ages Since we were all in high school And forced to do it They'll come back I imagine

Matthew and Jack It's like riding a bike The second You know The second they start going Forward two Three four Back two Three four As soon second you know the second they start going forward two three four back two

three four as soon as you hear the Gay Gordons you're just kind of like yeah been indoctrinated into the programme tears in my eyes aye

aye fucking was it but the other ones as well Bonnie Banks Lock Lomond Gay Gordons Stash and White Sergeant

erm yeah two of them two whole of Scotland short wedding alright get your phones out strip the willow yes very good

could you do it now three I could do get gordons I could easily how many do you need before you can just be like suggesting doing that

depends on which one get gordons you can just do the two of you so if we're out at night we can do the get gordons aye just you and me we can do it

yeah aye on stage Dashing White Sergeant yep Virginia Reel I don't oh yes

that's the eight one and there's a sounds like like brands of backy yeah the Eightsome Reel yeah erm

Golden Virginia eh the Machine Without Hot Horses. Flying Scotsman. The Duke of Perth. The Aberdeen Red Bush. Monty Musk. Monty Musk, aye.

Just ripping off Bucky. Have I got different moves or are they all just variations of the same thing? We've all got different moves, man. Some of them are... Some of them are of them he's like does the song come on I haven't got my gi you need your gi for this one

just start throwing each other around some of them you change some of them you change partners some of them you dance you just described your jiu jitsu it's I mean they're classic

I always say what was the one we were dancing to when I elbowed Hannah on the tit oh that must have been either Dash Mikeoke Sargent or Strip the Willow because we're cross-handed

we cross-handed yeah it's the one where there's a line across yeah line across from you so we're cross-handed and you like

do that handshake how do you do it yeah that kind of work was it not it was this way oh because two people man it's two people so you've got that one

like that is it yeah but yes and we were trying to assert like you were like yeah that doesn't feel right sorry for touching you it's input like we're trying to say dominance on the hand the thumb over yeah whichever way it was yeah and i was pulling and you were like my fingers yeah i was i was dominant on top dominant when you're pulling at this point just for the story I had dominant people

just getting pulled over oh look at me I'm dominant by a tie oh look at me busting this guy around just getting shanked about the office

and my hand slipped out like the fucking coke bottle coming out earlier just like with note with ease and my elbow

just fired right behind us like that there's like two concentric circles yeah and Hannah the bride

just bam right in the tit fucking fucking pit popped out the back nipple came out the back like a wee tumour just like one of them

puppets you put on the table like I always wait aye aye the dance stop now lad everyone just have a run down looking at me like I was fucking guys wait I either dance stop now everyone just have a run down looking at me like I was

fucking outcast from society we've got so many international guests coming over and I've been so like there's things Scottish

people are proud about we've talked about this before is obviously fucking tap water and Andy Murray and mad stuff to be proud of that like tap water and Andy Murray mad stuff to be proud of that like

tap water and Andy Murray there's not a lot but there are salt igneous rock the only other culture that do weddings as good as the Scots Indians that's the only people where it's like alright The only other culture that do weddings as good as the Scots. Indians.

That's the only people where it's like, all right, you definitely do it well as well. We're going to an Indian wedding next year. This year? We are? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Matty's?

Aye. Matty and Up. Huh? Matty and Up. Aye. He's dowry and that sort of. Giving me away. I'm part of the surfing staff. The surfing staff for his family

get me on quarters it's class let us read a book I'm like saying that to you like midweek oops as long as it's covered up

no idea that's not she's just minging have you released your I didn't mean that have you released your little special it's very pretty

oh thanks man thanks for that I'm just sucking up to me lads till the two of me legs she doesn't listen to this I think she does but like it's ages later I'll be like

in fucking July just suddenly I'm not a beach and winter guy and you cunt. Yeah, well, you said January. Cara doesn't listen to this. Not even on catch up? No.

Are you mad about that? No. You licked your teeth? Yeah, you thought of teeth. There, there. Grand. Cracking their knuckles. No, she she to be fair

I think she gets enough of us Natalie stops me now when she's listening to me she's like I'm trying to listen to a podcast I'm like

I'm here in real life it's not you she's trying to listen to me I mean you could deduce that I mean you could easily deduce that if could easily deduce that if you're shallow you got any secrets

to tell I feel like I do I feel like it's no longer a secret and you must know it which is concerning because I was pretty high last night

just curious what do you what do you think I'm covering up on no no nothing just you got any I got loads of secrets

I'm plotting a stag do oh no but I meant like you know childhood lifelong regrets No, no, nothing. You got any? I got loads of secrets. What? I'm plotting a stag do. Oh, no, but I meant like, you know, from my childhood, lifelong regrets. Something I did when I was younger? Maybe. Like, is this just a general question? You're like digging for, you're just using me for a pattern?

Just consider me Parkinson's. I thought I had something that you were going to just unveil there. It's underwhelming now. I feel like you don't want to tell them about the thing that you did going to just unveil there it's underwhelming now I feel like you don't want to tell them about the thing that you did I definitely have secrets to use

but that was we'd be like alright I'm going to tell one of these in the podcast do I look like a person but I keep secrets like if something that I did when I was a child

or something that like what's your most shameful memory from childhood then or what's your first memory of shame? Neither are class I come with the word

all of my childhood stories You know I did ones I stood up to the supply teacher for school That's the saddest thing I've ever heard

Nah nah you're rude I went to school with Tim Did I tell you Tim I kicked the shit out of a teddy bear? Nah nah Fucking wrecked the can Knocked the stuff out of him

Literally I gave him a black eye It wasn't It wasn't I tell you it wasn't The supply teacher That comes in Like wearing aftershave

Saying you can call us Phil It wasn't that guy Her name was Sarah No it was Mrs Carter Oh what Mate no No old school Proper old school.

Bear in mind, I was in school in the 80s, right? That means she was working in the fucking 50s and 60s. This old country's had kids with cricket bats. It's a different breed of fucking bat. Like, is that like, stood up there, she turned this, came out. One little Mrs. Conner 1-0 Mrs. Conner but guess what she is dead

she's dead now 100% dead did she did she did she did she did she did she

did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she

did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she

did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she

did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she

did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she

did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she

did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did she did you do to make what did you do to make you stand up

so we're kids right we're in primary how old primary school I'm gonna say year two right so what age is that I don't know

because like I hadn't been in school long like it was like your first year of school is play right and fucking second year is play and all

stories writing colouring in five or six right so colouring in level and all that spelling we're doing some basic spelling that's 5 or 6

so I'm in fucking class doing basic spelling I'm chatting to my mate because I'm in a school where you play it's not just

to learn things it's social skills that's a huge important part of why we send kids to school so they can learn to interact with

people for 8 hours of the day whether they like it or fucking not yeah I just encourage it you kind of chat day whether they like it or fucking not yeah I just encourage it right there you kind of chat

you've got to do your fucking head down fucking down your lines or whatever went right handed there for the bit you've got to be you've got to be

in my head French free squatter and I just tackled Andrew Merlo and she shouted at us again I was like

yeah I'm sick of this you should stop chatting to each other I've got to tell my teacher this fucking ran off the head teacher grassed on her

bang straight in the back of the head she caught up anyway that's like that was another version of me being classed

when I was a kid anything else? I don't know that was kind of what I was going for I didn't really get into have I pissed yourself? aye Anything else? No, no, that was kind of what I was going for. I didn't really get into... Have I pissed yourself?

Aye. What kind of question is that? Well, like, because you're scared. Oh, no, I've never pissed myself in fear. I don't think I've ever... Have you done that? Aye, you know about this. In fear?

Aye. Do I know this? Aye, because it was when the kid who, I've told this a bunch of times, so I'll just tell this part of the story. It was when the kid who had got us to beat up me mate. Oh, yes. And me mate beat me up.

And he was like, I'll chin you both. I've lived such a fucking cartoon life. Like, I wouldn't be surprised. If I was somehow to be able to get into your fucking head right and just witness your fucking memories I bet they all look like family guy sketches

just me fighting a chicken fighting a chicken for seven minutes it's all 2D all the other characters apart from you are voiced by Seth McFarlane like the whole thing I'm drawn exactly the same as me

but smaller oh yeah so I'd grasped on him for making me and my mate fight aye and then I got

I got thrown out of the room with the computers in because my mate printed a porn picture and it printed out next to the teacher because the teacher

kicked us out of the class and the lad who I'd grasped on saw us out the window his class and teacher so the teacher kicked us out of the class and the lad who had grassed on saw us out the window his class and excuse me miss can I go out the toilet whacked out

and just picked us up put us against the wall and started telling us he was going to kill us and I was just like there's piss on your shoes you stupid dickhead look at you

pissing all over you how do you like that sploshing up on his face you've got piss in your beard what are you doing with a beard at school you nonce apart from the boxing have you ever beaten Gav in a fight You've got a piss in your beard What are you doing with a beard At school you nonce Apart from

Apart from the boxing Have you ever beaten Gav in a fight No it used to be pretty even And then one time He just Levered us Aye

I think he just had a growth spurt And I was hitting him with a pillow Aye I was hitting him with a pillow He was trying to play FZ We were on Nintendo 64 At Callan Jones' house So he didn't have one

Who Callan Jones Oh I think he said't have one who? Callan Jones oh I think he said Callard I'm like there was no in your area called Callard I was with Callard and I was hitting with a pillow

aye and then I put the pillow on me and made that Callard I wasn't hitting him hard I feel like Prince Harry in one of his documentaries I was just having fun with my brother a little bit of Tom Foo

a little bit of Ruffhausen with your older brother and then he just snatched the pillow I was just having fun with my brother. Yes, a little bit of tomfoolery, a little bit of roughhousing with your older brother. Just hit him with a pillow. And then he just snatched the pillow. He snapped. I saw the rage in his eyes. I saw the rage in his eyes. I was just like, he's just an uncontrollable animal. He's a savage beast.

I should know. I fought in Iraq. And he unleashed hell with the pillow. And he rained down on me from above and the feathers become and he hit us with the pillow many many times really hard

and I was just like who hits with a pillow you fucking douche bag and I knocked him clean out right in the jaw overhand overhand he was dead on the floor

so that's the closest he came I remember as well fighting with my brother and it started getting a little bit foxy I remember as well fighting with my brother and it started getting a little bit sexy heated I could feel his hot

he's got the sexual touch with a knife which was lucky because I had a knife I was in a fight what do you expect and em my dad was like

lads do enough much enough of that like trying to separate verbally before grabbing a hold of it. And I just had to be grand again. Let them figure it out. Snap a pool cue in half. Chuck it in with them.

One man enters, two men leave. What? To make a club? Just leave them. Snap a pool cue in half. The next scene is just your dad being rushed to hospital with a broken knee

unharmed pool cue in one piece me going again Kev you're screwed I was weeding that Where? That's my favourite thing When I call you

It's like anytime Anyone mentions drugs In any way I'll just You got any Like leading in there Hey though Since you brought it up

Got a gig in a minute Okay I guess we should Fucking head over soon actually I don't think we need To do sound check since you brought it up got a gig in a minute okay I guess we should fucking head over soon actually I don't think we need to do sound check this is administration

we can do this off the podcast alright but like we're in the same venue as yesterday which is a real privilege are you gonna try and

trigger all three members of the sauce family I don't know if you'd be triggered by this but Matthew certainly would to save this

champagne are you going to stick a wee teaspoon in the top are you going to do that no no but if you did that

me and Matthew would be clawing and fighting over each other to tell you that that's an urban myth I'm pushing your

glasses up your nose I don't think you'll find Snopes said it's got nothing to do with what do you

think it does what do you think it does for all you fucking idiots out there to put a teaspoon in a fucking shot what do you think it does what do you think it does for all you fucking idiots out there to put a teaspoon

in a fucking what do you think that fucking does what it's weird it's weird this I put the spoon in there and he starts this

and fuck you there it's a bad hoot do you want to plug your little special I've got a teeny tiny little special I do a podcast with him.

Cal Daniel Sloss. And he's got two specials out of this website. There we go. I've got Punch Drunks live on my website if you want to listen to that for free. Watch it as well if you want. You can shut your eyes. And I've got a tour that's on sale.

You can buy tickets anywhere near you I want a tour we're on tour a little spin off tour for the Cleveland show we've got Liverpool two in London I hope you have fun

Joey Fraser Fraser always had something Wasn't he? Cheers He's a free rock From the sun Leicester

Glasgow We've already done Newcastle Manchester Oh those are Those are the upcoming dates Yeah Some in Australia as well Melbourne

Perth Perth with an F Perth Melbourne Perth Just short for perfect That was done End of list

That would be That would be a good joke If Perth wasn't The worst place in Australia I Don't know I thought Adelaide was Look at you

Fucking Changed with the wind It's the people The people of Perth Are good You're like a windsock But it's the people of Adelaide But you don't like

The place of Perth Is that right? Well nice I like it It's all Quite nice Alright See you next time

In three hours When we're more high.