Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.17 Sexist Magicians

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

Cream is joined by Gareth this episode as Muggins was enjoying an extra night in France. The two talk about fatherhood, but include a lot of jokes and bits to keep it all interesting. I asked Mathew to write the blurb as I hadn't listened to it and that's what he come up with, buzzing to get stuck into this thrill ride 

Welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. This week there is no muggins. He is still in Paris. He decided to stay an extra day because he managed to get a ticket to a PSG game. So that's what he's doing. So, oh God, there you go. That was good.

See, leave it in. Leave it in. Always be your authentic self. And if people can't enjoy that, then they don't deserve your art. I'm joined by fellow father, Gareth Waugh. So a lot of the podcast is just us talking about that. I also have to acknowledge the fact

that I have completely and utterly failed Ryan Cullen in the sober January. I went to Paris, had a great time, and yeah, dragged him into sober January. He's still doing it, and twice within two weeks of each other, got bashed, got stoned. Whoopsie-daisy.

It's all a myth. It's all a myth. Well done him. And because of that, it's a particularly fun episode. Me and Gareth laugh lots there are many many

funny bits in there it's one of those ones where they're all bits you know we say some horrible things but you know just for the lols

not because we meant them not because we yeah for the lols for the lols you know that come on be reasonable

Gareth has a special coming out in a fucking couple of, so keep an eye on that, just follow him on social media and as always, I have two specials streaming on my website tell your friends about that you fucking pieces of shit

all the fucking shit I do for you come to your shitty fucking countries, come to your shitty fucking towns, perform to you for money, give you all my fucking talent, the least you could do, give you all my fucking talent, the least you could do is spread me like the fucking plague and like lose friendships because all you talk about is me. Are you a fan or are you a fucking failure? Enjoy the episode. Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin',

livin' the dream. That's's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss

Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Had a good tombra to it. A what? Tombra. What's that? It's not just timber, I don't know. What's the word? Good bass. I've never heard it.

There you go. Then again, I've never been musical. Well, I've heard you fart. Have we started, by the way? Sure, yeah, why not? I mean, take a strepsil. This episode's sponsored by strepsils, by the way? Sure yeah why not I mean take a strepsil This episode is sponsored by strepsils by the way Thanks for agreeing Well I mean they haven't agreed Just as long as

Neither of us does anything dodgy in the future I think they'll be fine with the free sponsorship I got a complaint this weekend Did you? Yeah yeah So you fucking did Yeah For the dumbest joke ever

Oh man it's always so funny When people get upset By shit that you're like But that's not even the most offensive bit Of what I do So where were you? Or how much can you divulge? I was in Monkey Barrel

And I was closing And I've got a new daft joke about how vibrators were invented And this woman sent me a message about it all And every other comic said don't respond which is obviously the smart play don't respond you don't respond to them people are allowed to not enjoy your call i can't bite my tongue just like i cannot bite my tongue uh i wasn't mean or anything i just said look um uh i'm quite surprised by this reaction that's obviously not what i'm going for let me think on it and stuff i wasn't going to

send it i wanted to just write it out because that would make me feel better and then another comic came into the room so i like went to like shut it so they didn't see because they were all like don't respond and i was like i don't want to get caught responding and i'm like because if i go obviously i actually responded i'm just writing they'll go whatever so i go to shut it down and send it by mistake and i was like oh fuck but were so nice. And we messaged today and she was like, look, you don't have to. You're not responsible for my reaction to the joke. And I was like, oh, my God, this is the best that a complaint has ever went. I still I think you I think you approached her wrong.

I think if you are going to just go full Ricky Gervais on her. I don't care. You seem like you don't because you keep saying you don't care you seem like you don't because you keep saying you are I don't care remember at the start of Twitter I don't know if anyone remembers this this was like pre-cancelling era back when it was a star instead of a heart

the glory days Ricky Gervais used to call everyone on Twitter mongs used to call everyone mongs monks used to call everyone monks and then he was called out by a mother of a disabled child and I think he then responded by calling Were you so close to saying the mother of a monk?

I heard you edit in your head No no I'm used to I can put on my PC hat I've been hiding in plain sight for a long time No, no, I'm used to, you know, I can put on my PC hat. I've been hiding in plain sight for a long time. You've thrown me. Sorry, the mother got in touch with him and said, look, that's not right. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And I think his response to her was to be like, oh, okay, thanks, you mong. And then people were obviously like ha ha ha but then more often than not people were like nah man you got this wrong and I think he then did come out he was in the newspaper

and he apologised to her publicly and stuff and then obviously like didn't he didn't stuff so it is the one time where he's like

you can't apologise for comedy I'm like but I've watched you apologise for comedy yeah yeah yeah not that I don't think he was wasn't right to

but also just I I think I'd never apologise for my jokes. All I would ever say is something like very politician-y. Yeah. That being like, you know. I'm sorry you felt that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Insensitive boyfriend, yeah. I'm sorry that that's how your dumb emotions make you feel but me as someone who's in control of my shit i can't respect that so i'm sorry you're disappointed that i don't respect you if that would be or it's quite a good title for a show yeah yeah it rolls off the tongue um uh how come how come uh they can call it gaypourri but i can can call it Gay Paris But I can't call it Puffy London Well because you're not from London So am I also not allowed to call it Gay Paris

I don't know Paris you can't say It's Paris Is that like Barcelona Yeah Really No because I feel like the French will not... It's geography, blackface.

People from Paris want to say Paris, that's their prerogative. So it's Russia, it's not Russia. Yeah, correct. That's geographical blackface. Same way it's China and not what they would say. Woo! Good boy, we've dodged that. Beep, beep.

God, they swerved out the way of that tree. It was coming right for us. It wasn't. I drove towards it. We got back from Paris. I, God, God, did I fail dry January. The illusion that I had of myself before I went to Paris. And this is also the man who's just ignoring the fact

that he went to Amsterdam halfway through dry January, smoked a bunch of weed, drank a bunch of whiskey on stage and was like, still doing it. Don't want everyone's problem. Yeah, yeah. Still then, I'm like like on friday i'm like i'm not gonna drink in paris right you know what maybe i'll maybe like i'll eat some of the food on the plane that you know it's not part of my fucking strict regimen at the moment but that's it

and then maybe i'll have a boozy trifle i can't help what the sponge is soaked in and then i just then catch myself like sort of saying to Cara like you know what it's it's you know it's

how often are you in Paris I smoke several times a year yeah very often I'm like look I smoked weed in Amsterdam

it would be wrong of me not to drink wine in Paris it would be yeah culturally disrespectful yeah she was like I understand your point. So why are you having a whiskey in the airport?

I'll tell you why. Because it's Edinburgh airport. And it's culturally the correct thing to do. 6am, the flight's in an hour. What do you want me to do? Luke Cullen, dead in the ice, 12 hours before this, eight hours before this being like, I'm not going to crack, man. I talked you into this month. I will do this to do. Luke Cullen, dead in the eyes, 12 hours before this. 8 hours before this being like, I'm not going to crack man. I talked you into this month.

I will do this to you. I know you're going to stay strong with Martin Elton tonight. And he did. Then he had like 7 alcohol free beers. And there I am. One and a half bottles of red wine deep. Being like, it's a culture thing. I'm impressed that alcohol free beer obviously works.

Because it had the vice for him where he was like, okay, I'm doing the thing free beer obviously works like because it did they had the vice for him but he was like okay i'm doing the thing those avoid yeah those avoid you know it's because to me it just seems like i don't know sex with a condom on what's the point yeah well speaking of yeah daddy boy yes i am uh how is it how is it going it's not good yeah i feel i feel like you and me like you know in like old world war ii things there's like some people who uh you know were on the front line fucking d-day yeah lived through that and then there were other ones who were just like guarding in dover for a bit like or just what like a mechanic by like he certainly saw bombs go off and shit but he wasn't

I feel like you know we served in the same war but we've been on different front lines yeah maybe yeah yeah different divisions for sure I spoke to a comedian about it all last night and they were like how is it and I went it's fine it's a bit shit don't like it that

much I like Bluey and that's about it it's the absolute and he's not he doesn't even know that there's a tv in the room yeah i'm just watching it for me yeah but i was speaking to this comedian they said oh yeah i spoke to this other comedian who i will not name because this is awful who said to them oh yeah you know i never would but i understand why people shake them Oh god And she was like Do you feel like that

And I was like No No no I don't want to go Like Yeah Between that And Tom Brady

Kissing his son on the lips Yeah Me in the middle Me in the middle In the middle That's where I am with it Yeah Yeah I mean it's also

Like I think it's very Like man I didn't I'm on record Man I didn't Head over heels, love my son until he was 12, 13 weeks old. Like, I liked him, thought he was sound, fan of, you know. That's good, because I'm six weeks coming up and no love, no love at all. And I ask loads of people, and the amount of dads that go, yeah, I love them straight away. Yeah, some people do. Man, and I thought, man, I thought I would. straight away yeah some people do man and I thought man I thought I would like man I love kids I love kids

I'm like surely I'll love this thing straight man they're boring they shit they piss they cry they don't even look at me they look past me

yeah they can't see shit just looking at he's got a different connection with his mum you know we're just you know he smells her likes the smell of her

sucks in her titties yeah yeah you know we're just they're like alright I'll change the nappies I'll do the burping I'll be up gotta let her sleep you know we're just there like alright I'll change the nappies I'll do the burping I'll be up gotta let her sleep

you know we do you know you're a modern dad I know you're doing the shifts I'm doing the shifts aye but there's no man until there's fucking maybe it's a comedian thing

maybe but I did ask a couple comics Tom Stade was like I love my kids straight away and I was like that surprises me with you yeah because he was fucking high

and he also probably he probably met them when they were six. You're my kid? Awesome! I love you, Dad. I love you! What's your name?

Mason. Oh, dear. He does have a list. Yeah, he was making fun of My kid's name Tom And I went You called your kid Mason I nearly did the list You called your kid Mason

And he has a list But he went Yeah we fucked up there We dropped the ball Yeah but you didn't know He had a list at the time I think you could guess No I don't think

I'm pretty sure There's ways to tell Just ask them to do The alphabet Touch their nose Like that That's the drunk driving test. Yeah, I want to find out if they can drive.

This baby is steaming, kids. I don't know what's wrong with that. How many milks have you had, sir? Yeah, I don't know how you're going to get home because this baby is in no state to drive. I think you guys will have to take the bus. The baby getting taken away in handcuffs. Have you got somewhere you can stay tonight, sir?

I'll find somewhere. Thank you, officer. And I'm sorry about my friend. Is there anything on you I shouldn't know about? Oh, somebody's put a joint in the nappy. I bet somebody put it there. Get down. Freeze.

Freeze. Did you pack this diaper yourself, sir? Or did somebody plod out here? Oh, you're so drunk. Yes, David. Throw him in the slammer, boys. It's just a crib. What are you in for?

Talking to a teddy bear I love you You love me Makes sense Yeah I don't like to love kids I'm a cat and Barney's a pedo Yeah No man I don't think

Like it's Bad to any other dads And mums are there Man if you don, man, I don't think like it's bad to any of the dads and mums out there, man. If you do, I think, I think don't even think about it. If you don't love your kids until they're six months old,

then it's a concern. Yeah. But like six months, you're not, man, if you're a, if you're a mum, chemicals have gone fucking haywire in your brain.

Things are rewiring themselves. Sometimes that does great. Six months to a year, probably you'll be grand. Talk to a doctor, maybe. As a bloke, six months, don't even. Don't even meditate on it. Yeah, Laura was like, do you think you have postpartum depression?

And I was like, well, no, I don't think I'm allowed. Men just have depression. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get the old school stuff. None of your, like, depression with rules. Knowing that you'll come out of it The other end Yeah I can't remember why

I was sad about something And nothing That's why That's the depression Yeah but Yeah but then also I mean You are getting

A hell of lack of sleep Yeah I remember the other day And I felt so bad I've thought about this Three times Since it happened You came round to the

With Laura And your son My god son and open the door and i was like so the first thing i always ask you i'm just like how how's the sleep going you were like last night he gave us five hours and i was like oh my god man i'm so sorry to hear that and you were like that's the longest we've had yeah yeah i was like oh no yeah yeah it was great Oh man That five hour stint was insane Man the glee On your face Because Well I mean our son is now

Almost a year old He Sometimes goes down For like ten hours at a time It's Does he now Yeah Oh that's exciting

That's light at the end of the tunnel For me Yeah oh And it's And you get all of them It's nice Because two nights ago He was like Dead f nights ago he was like

dead fussy and he was like I put the dummy in and that like stops him at pacifier for your Yankee Doodle audience but he hits it out

of his own mouth and then gets upset oh man yeah because they don't they can't control their fucking hands so they just

they're like they're in a Madonna video like yeah Ricky Bobby you know that movie The shake and bake He's like I don't know what to do with my head

They just keep coming up In the interview So he keeps knocking it out And this goes on for I reckon Five hours Oh man I'm not sleeping at all

When they're When they're just on the cusp Of sleep sometimes They'll gouge their own eyes Yeah yeah They're like And off to sleep I go Spiders Spiders!

Spiders everywhere! Oh man man You don't even know what a spider is! You don't How could Oh So They have nightmares

Yeah Even though nothing Nothing has happened to them Nothing's happened Nothing bad Ever All they've known is boobs Yeah

How can you have nightmares? So I got a half hour sleep By putting my hand on him To hold both his arms down So that he wouldn't knock the dummy out So I on him to hold both his arms down so they wouldn't knock the dummy out so i just had i was holding his arms down at his body could have swaddled him probably in hindsight jesus christ i've just figured that out right now the second i could have swaddled sleep deprivation man yeah you're allowed to not go the quickest route to the smartest answer i just fell asleep with my arm on i woke up half an hour later and he was just crying on his own

and I was like okay and then Laura was like shall I take over and I was like yes you fucking shall yeah so you I guess so you like fucking

two ships in the night then is it just like I quite like the night shift though yeah well yeah I've always liked staying up late I was genuinely about to say well you did the night shift

yeah you enjoyed yeah loved it in lockdown loved the night shift I actually wish we were back doing that, actually. That was the dream for me. Ten hours of wanting to kill myself. You got to listen to a lot of audiobooks and a lot of podcasts. I did, I did.

I did, I really did. Found out some new music and, you know, made some friends along the way. Yeah, with real interesting nicknames. Ones that cannot be said on a podcast i think i say don't have a word so junkie jeff uh yeah i wonder if he's still alive i've that guy got like visibly higher as the shift went on yeah it was incredible and what was what was he getting high on well this is the thing i think i mean probably weed but he he was he was into the smack for sure like you all forgot like he had that face the only heroin users kind of get yeah

it's kind of like droopy and gaunt and like just real real sunken like yeah like eye bags that go down to their fucking shovel like it's offensive to the impression of it, but it's accurate. Where they're like, I hate me. What's happening? That's how he was. So he'd come into work like, what am I putting out the yoghurts?

And they're like, yeah, on you go. He's like, sounds. But then he would get more high. And then it was really fucked. What are you doing with that spoon? Just the yoghurt?

Yeah. What are you doing with that layer? Just the yogurt. Yeah. What are you doing with that layer? Well, you still shouldn't be eating the yogurt. That doesn't make it better. You shouldn't be heating the yogurts up. It's a creme brulee. And it was as well. He was like one of those savant chefs.

You got that fucking goal in you? Like that stipulation you'll do heroin on your deathbed? Nah. I used to say it all the time, that fucking goal in you, like that stipulation you'll do heroin on your deathbed? Eh, nah. I used to say it all the time, but like, it's too much faff I think. So much accoutrement needed. A spoon, a lighter,

injecting, a belt, it's a whole thing. I don't think you need a belt early doors, do you? Oh, I don't know. I've got very veiny veins. Oh, do you? Aye. Aye.

Like, because I'm a big, big wimp, and because I'm a bad person who cannot get over a very simple fear for the common good, don't give blood. Oh, right. Yeah. If they could take, man, it's just seeing the needle. If they could take blood out of me arse,

I wouldn't give a shit. I get that. Like, it's when you first, maybe this will put you off even more When you first Like if the tube's lying along your arm When you first feel the blood go And it's all warm on your arm

You're like Yeah yeah yeah Oh man To be honest It's really trigger warning for anyone How is that worth a biscuit? I don't know How is it worth a biscuit?

You come away a little bit drunk I remember like Oh now I'm listening Yeah like I was a bit light headed The last time I did it That would be one of those things Where like I bet they're like Please do not drink any alcohol The first hour after this And you're like I was a bit light-headed last time I did it that would be one of those things where like I bet they're like

please do not drink any alcohol the first hour after this and you're like I am off to the pub for the cheapest fucking whiskey yeah yeah I'm gonna have to

time in my life well you've got to write your job down on the form and so I always put comedian because that's my job I'm not like lying on the traitors

just to get clout oh we'll talk about that in a second but they always see that and then I always end up with like three or four nurses round my bed we're all having a laugh this one's a comedian, bae so they all come over and they leave their patients

yeah bae the nurse oh Betty I thought you said bae they're all my bae I need to go again soon actually I've not been for a while well no don't because then it makes me look bad I thought you said bae. Bae? Yeah, bae, they're nice. They're all my bae. That's nice. I need to go again soon, actually. I've not been for a while. Well, no, don't, because then it makes me look bad.

No, no, I'll do it for you. Oh, thanks, man. I'll say take two this time. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what blood type you are? No, no. I know my mum is like the really good one. Oh, negative?

Yeah, yeah. The one where it's just like anyone can have this fucking avatar. I don't know what mine's is No wonder No wonder she's so miserable Negative blood running through her Only time I've ever given blood Is during any

STD check Ah Oh right yeah Only time I've given blood Is every time I write a French show I also pour sweat and tears into it I just do that with cake Yeah

It tastes awful So bad I remember This red velvet No Do you remember Matilda With a cake Uh huh

And the little kid eats it And she says The little kid Well He's a big little kid They're like I put my blood sweat and tears in this And all the kids are like

Oh yeah Because of that I also thought That she meant literally. I mean, maybe she, I mean, she probably did. Roald Dahl was into some fucked up shit. He probably was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you ever read his boy book? It was about him growing up and stuff.

Yes. Man, he grew up in like the fucking, I don't even think it was the 19th. Go find it when Roald Dahl was born. It was right when cars were invented. Because remember, there was a bit. When Roald Dahl was right when cars were invented because remember there was a bit when Roald Dahl

was born they were in a car crash and somebody's nose came clean off yeah yeah real and it was like back in the day

when they were just like and then he just had no nose because obviously you can't stitch that back on like he nearly died he was in a coma for six months and that was back

when you just left kids in comas yeah not much else oh rats let's try again the catholic church will be happy yeah but i can use the good name on them should we stick a number on the end of the next one why not why yeah you know what let's not let's just name him that again

and forget the old one ever lived and yeah uh i remember there was like he had to go heat up the toilet for the older kids at school they would send them out and he had to go Heat up the toilet For the older kids at school And they would send them out And he had to sit on it And warm it up Yes And he was like That was the worst

Moments of my life Yeah It's like You had a car crash And your sister's nose Came pinging off Oh and I'm pretty sure A bunch of his siblings died

Yeah He was born in 1916 1916 How about that So Med World War 1 Yeah Yeah

Just before the movie 1917 Yeah that's true. So he was born probably what, 2020? Reborn? Yeah. What's his good book? Is it about a crocodile?

Have I made that up? I'm just thinking about it. I remember the story of there was a sweet shop near him and it was run by an old lady who was a fucking I mean either he didn't use the word cunt

because I don't think the word cunt existed I think everyone was just a cunt back then absolutely absolutely I think all the good ones died young and were in the war yeah and then

and then I think you just had to be a bastard to live yeah there was such a low bar Yeah They'd be like Like they'd make movies about a guy If he didn't hit his wife

Yeah Like this is the nicest man there's ever been We'll call him Father Christmas Yeah there was like Everyone always goes Oh I was born in the wrong century I wish I was born back then I don't think you do

Everyone would be so rude to you Yeah And it's much better to live now Where you can just have the fashion Of those times But better born in the wrong century. I wish I was born back then. I don't think you do. Everyone would be so rude to you. Yeah. And it's much better to live now where you can just have the fashion of those times, but better. I just have to wear a suit every day with a hat.

Oh, God. Morning, ma'am. Yeah, big stupid bowler hat on your head. Yeah. Walking around with a fucking stupid accent because you've not been educated so you can go down some lines. Yeah, yes.

Everyone must have stank of shit. 100%. Absolutely fucking, absolutely humming a pitch back then. Yeah, yes. Everyone must have stank as shit. 100%. Absolutely fucking, absolutely. I'm going to push back, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aye. Man, imagine your fucking only form of entertainment, right,

is fucking, right, there's no TV, right? There's, like, there's whispers of moving pictures somewhere in the fucking world, but your idea of a fucking party is to, like, sit round a radio and fucking flap feathers in your

faces and dance does anyone want to hit this wheel with a stick oh god let's chase around why oh why why are they deserving of respect tell me uh they definitely aren't look at their first draft for a bicycle like one big wheel at the front, a tiny little wheel at the back. Wouldn't this be easier if they were the same size? Well, I'm based off of horses who famously have massive front legs and teeny tiny back legs. Like all fast animals,

we are the geniuses of the time. Yeah, how do you even get on that? Don't worry. Once you're up there, how do you get off? Also don't worry, you die. That How do you get off? Also don't worry You die That's where you live now That's where

How did they? Was there like a I imagine there was a little man With a fucking stepladder Yeah Also the names they had But this was the fucking generation That was like

Jack is short for John And you're like Fuck off lads It's not all It's not all short for John Yeah They really did have a Small number of names

they had to just look through the bible and be like well we're not calling them Matthew we're not loaded how are we going to get that on a tea towel every Christmas we'll call them John Jay and Jack

John James Jingleheimer Smith oh fuck his name's my name too actually yeah yeah I've lost the will to live no it's fine James Jingleheimer-Smith. Oh, fuck, his name's my name too, actually. Yeah, yeah. I've lost the will to live.

I'm just going to keep bringing you back to fatherhood. That's fine. Because I don't want you to forget for a fucking moment. Yeah, well... Like, he's coming up to six weeks. Yes, so he should be smiling soon. Should be smiling. Based on the living situation that he's in, he should be laughing real soon.

That's when it gets a bit good. I get real funny at six weeks for everyone. At first, you don't like me. Six weeks hanging out, you'll be like, all right, I get this guy, I'm tuned in. I will wish people liked me within six weeks of meeting me. The only reason new people like me is because our mutual friends have been like look just keep

hanging out with them honestly like some of it's an act does that make you feel better no not really oh well all of it's an act um yeah smiling gets good man it's laughs it's when they fucking recognize you yeah that's when it's like all right you know um and even then when there's still points when it's laughs it's when they fucking recognise you that's when it's like alright you know and even then there's still points when it's very nice when Caelan will

be like he'll want me and he'll be like he'll reach for me and I'm like this is great this is what it's all about but man

he still wants her way more and I'm the funnier one and everyone knows it like he finds me funnier she knows he finds me funnier I think there's like there's a for some reason a baby's relationship with his mother like they see themselves as the

same entity so that like when the mum makes faces they just or they make faces they think they're doing themselves and that's not humorous whereas you and me as dads are entirely separate beings yeah so that's why we're like different and you know it's quite interesting all that sort of stuff like i've been thinking they're so thick they're born dumbest they'll ever be yeah yeah unless they're american in which case they actually get dumber that's incredible it's amazing it's a scientific fact as well i read that as well uh yeah i did yeah i need something back because i did google when do babies smile the other day and i went this is one of the darkest little googles i think that

if anyone's seen that they'd be like oh three minutes later your health visitor is just like hey just checking in yeah have you tapped into my laptop nothing nothing nothing to worry about yeah but i like i like it's i think like the first especially the first three months a lot because man babies are luck of the fucking draw yeah right luck of the fucking draw it's got nothing to do with you as a parent it's got nothing to do with your skills it's like man

you might get a baby that's colicky you might get a baby that's got other sort of health issues one that doesn't sleep one that gets horrific fucking nightmares

one that just any number of things there's nothing you've fucking done it's just a fucking lottery ticket when our health visitor

was around you know we were just like we've clearly we've got one of the better tickets here he sleeps doesn't cry that much we've had the fucking jackpot here and she's like well you know what it's also you know you guys have raised him in a calm environment and your environment reflects on the baby so that's why it'd be a camp baby and i'm like i know you're just saying that to make us feel better because there's no way when you walk into a house and the baby's crying and they're like oh god he just cries all the time you're like well you're raising

him in a miserable fucking environment man you all need to calm the fuck down jesus if he's crying it's because you are failing at this there's no way that's the attitude you carry this is just a nice thing you say to people who've got the golden babies just so they feel better and you can keep that momentum going you're not like fucking if he's greeting it's because he knows you're crying on the inside that's they see into your fucking souls yeah i've only had one moment like i'm always like smiling when i've gone like hey how's it going oh and he's like crying about all the milk's coming soon there was one moment where uh when i the facade slipped on me at like three in the morning and i was like trying to heat up his milk and i was like it's okay it's okay bud and then

he like kind of calmed a bit and then he just went right in my ear and i went mate i am so sorry it's coming it's fucking coming all right i'm trying to do my best but normally i'm like hey oh it's gonna be here any second but come on mate give me a fucking break i get it now they really they need to they need to make that tape longer i guess i should have paid more attention yeah no the thought of chicken was awful i want to make that very clear in case anyone's like that man's a monster man i man there was times when like uh cara would you know was having one of her uh wellards uh nights off and it's my turn to fully parent solo parent and trying to get him down to sleep and then waking up every five minutes where I'm just like, buddy, man, come on.

This isn't cool. I think I said to Caelan several times, man, not cool this. Man, come on, be reasonable. To be fair, if it was anyone else, you would not tolerate it. No, no. At all.

Like I've got this mate, right? He always screams at me when he's hungry. He makes me wipe his ass and balls. And he then sometimes halfway... Oh, he cries while I'm doing it. As if I'm not doing him a fucking favour. One time I was doing it all clean. He shits on my hand.

Oh, ungrateful. No warning. No. Smiled afterwards. They say it's gas. I fucking saw it was a smile. Yeah. He went like this.

Mum will never believe you. Ah! Oh, God. What would you do? What if the baby said that? Oh. I joke about that all the time. Your six-week-old child just cried.

You're like, buddy, please, please, please. I'm just, I'm so tired. And he just turns up and be like, you'll never be a good father. Mum will never believe you. And then goes straight to sleep. Yeah. In the bin?

I'd have to be. It's got to be. Canal. Fake a kidnap. Canal with bricks. How are you explaining to Laura what happens in that situation? I'll tell you, I'll leave as well.

I'd rather not explain that. I'm also in the sack with the bricks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Raised a demon baby. The problem starts with the root cause, and that's me. Your giant demon testicles. No, I say that all the time.

I'm like, imagine he just said something, and he was like, no one will ever believe you. Oh, God. Terrifying. I used to say that about the dog as well. The dog just went, give me bacon,

no one will believe you. If a dog says that to you that's a funny Disney movie I'm absolutely fine with that if either of my cats turn around and be like no one will ever believe you

I'm like man this can be our little secret yeah yeah yeah if you're just talking together I've got no problem we're never going to say another word after this nope

I'm like oh no come on why have you stipulated that yeah what a weird what a weird squandering of your gift to spite me

yeah we just don't think it'll be a good conversation oh so I like mice Why have you stipulated that? Yeah. What a weird squandering of your gift to spite me. Yeah. Oh, we just don't think it'll be a good conversation. Oh, so... I like mice. So why let me know? Why let me know? Now, I didn't think I was missing out on something before. This reaction right here.

You really are worse than dogs. You better believe it. No, if cats or dogs talk to you, that's fine. That's just a very, very good Disney movie. If a baby talks to you, 90% of the time, that's a horror movie. Yeah, that's true. That's not, that's a bad baby. I would hate if his first laugh.

Unless the Wayne brothers are in that movie, it's not a comedy. Yeah. Yeah, because like that would be awful if his first laugh is like pitch black, three in the morning and I'm like trying to change his and he just goes first of all why is that

babies are meant to giggle not yeah yeah ah Laura yeah you're gonna have to

do that again because I'm gonna need to give her a raise get the canal bricks the good ones the good ones we need to really bury this one

can't have it coming back again like the one we don't speak of I'd really like if he prefers Laura to me I reckon

yeah I think that a lot of dads I've spoke to are like oh yeah they prefer mum I'm like

that's great though no you think you think that now when he's not wait until you actually love him and then it hurts right right right because at the moment you're like i don't give a fuck if he likes you more he's crap yeah yeah if he only sleeps with you cool yeah that's really good for me obviously oh dear night night yeah sorry um no man but when and it will that

happens there'll be and you might not even feel it fucking click the place but when and it will that happens there'll be you might not even feel it fucking click the place but when it does you're and they're like uh-huh you're like you have i put a lot of fucking effort in like don't get me wrong i'm not saying i do more work than i thousands of people come to see me every year and you want to go over there you're getting this for free yeah jesus christ man you've got no idea when i'm dead you'll be fucking gutted about moments like this because guess what i'll die before her dumb ass yeah right statistically there's absolutely no fucking way i'm not dying before her so get as much of me now and then you can get her when she's sad yeah she's all yours although to be

fair if we die first you know There's still the videos out there You can go watch it on Netflix Yeah Get that stream revenue up If there's any mums listening to this This is like 60% a bit Yeah Yeah

I think it's more 10% for me Is there anything you would be upset That he doesn't like When he gets older Me Where Okay Is there anything you would be upset that he doesn't like when he gets older? Me? Okay.

I would, yeah, if he didn't, no, no, like I would be, I genuinely think like whatever he's into, like I'll try and, I'll get into that too. What if he's into like capturing cats and putting them in canals? You're going to get into cat canals well no okay well in that case I'll still invest in it

and I'll be like right look here's the liver oh lovely cool well you're so interesting sport

well in that case we're going out we're buying a game of operation right or going to talk to my I mean you just

you've got to train him at that point you've just got to make sure he's reading 18 hours a day yeah yeah because that's you've got to get that you've got to be like you've got to be one you've got to train him at that point you've just got to make sure he's reading 18 hours a day yeah yeah because that's you've got to get that you've got to be like

you've got to be one of the you've got to be a surgeon if this is what you like you've got to be can't be dammer you've got to be a surgeon you've got to be a fucking you've got to turn into

Christina Yang buddy like that's you've got to be the fucking best at this and I get that but I mean Cara wouldn't be happy

we'd have to hide it from her yeah of course yeah mums wouldn't understand they never do no if he killed an animal then I think she would first of all she'd look at me she's like none of that DNA's in me not that I've ever been to a

fucking cruelty animal in my life but that's not true I did kill a I did kill a seagull once accidentally once skimming stones oh really you thrashed a seagull killer yeah and it was funny for like two seconds good shot good shot no it's not true I did kill a I did kill a seagull once Accidentally Once skimming stones Oh really You first thrown a seagull killer Yeah And it was funny for like Two seconds

Good shot Good shot No it's not We weren't aiming Like it was one of those You know Well I mean We were fucking teenagers

You were almost definitely Throwing rocks at seagulls Yeah but it was way out in the water And you're like There's no way this will do it And then we did And then it's you know But man they die

They think bags are Fucking jellyfish Fuck them, they die. They think bags are fucking jellyfish. Fuck them. And they steal chips. They do. Actually, let's kill them all. They've had it too good for too long.

Have you seen the video of the guy eating his chips? And then he turns to the camera and he's got a seagull by his neck. He's just holding the seagull by the neck. And he's like, absolutely not mate. The seagull's just holding the seagull by the neck and he's like absolutely not mate the seagull's just like it's so good get it up Jack

it's wicked it's so funny there's also the very very good one of this guy's filming I don't know where it is but it's definitely in the UK and he's just filming this guy walking down the road with some chips and the guy's just eating his chips and he's not paying attention but like ten feet down the road there's just this road with some chips. And the guy's just eating his chips. And he's not paying attention. But, like, 10 feet down the road, there's just this seagull standing on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the guy's being like, come on, mate. Do it, do it, do it. And it swoops down. I don't know. Maybe it's a fish, actually. Maybe it's, like, the whole fucking thing. Yeah. But, like, swoops down and gets the whole thing.

And in true British fashion, everyone at the pub is like, Wah! The guy looks over like, you all knew that was gonna happen yep and you didn't do anything we all filmed it's better than I remember It's got a hold of it by the

God that's good Right so obviously edit that video in over this Make it all professional God that's buckled me It's so good Just the singing all the other seagulls there You'll have to get up The other

The seagulls Stealing the man's Chip as he walks down the road One as well Just to get that up on screen I had another seagull based story And I thought Oh yeah

One of the hardest I've ever laughed In my entire life Was with Gus Limburn in Aberdeen And he lay Up on Union Street In the middle of the road with a bag of chips on his chest and his fist cocked

and any seagulls that came by just swung for them. I have no idea what the end game for that was. Well, I do. Punching a seagull. Yeah, seagull and chips, baby. For people that don't live. Going back to the chippy going,

can you deep fry this? I reckon seagull tastes rank. Oh, absolutely. It fucking does. Like unwashed asshole. Oh, okay. Now I'm listening. I'm kind of sure.

For anyone that doesn't live in a seaside area, they're like, you can't, you shouldn't be saying this. Man, fuck seagulls, man. Yeah, yeah. They are. And Aberdeen seagulls man yeah yeah they are and Aberdeen seagulls I know

this is a hack bit now but they are they're monsters they are those are the closest to dinosaurs we have

yeah yeah yeah they're coming back big time I honestly reckon three Aberdeen seagulls could

take down whatever that fucking big claw-footed cunt in Australia is what's it called oh the birds yeah big claw-footed cunt in Australia is? What's it called?

Oh, the bird. Yeah. The one with the big fucking head. Yeah, the one with the claw. It's like a... No, the good one is one fucking... It makes a weird noise. It begins with an E. Not E-Mew.

E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew.

E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew.

E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew.

E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew.

E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew.

E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E-Mew. E cassowary that's it cassowary that is it

I would not get that with are you thinking of the little enchiladas yeah maybe yeah yeah

do you think nevermind I had a joke and then I did it quickly in my head I went doesn't scan it's like

if I owned a pet bird in australia here's some reverse engineering i'm staying here and you're like can i borrow your birds i'd be like hey me cassowary is c cassowary whatever she's just yes yeah Mike no yes yes Kaswari Botswana do does

does I mean and you if the answer to this isn't happy we can cut it out does Laura love your kid oh god yeah yeah right

so it's that yeah so much she did text me yesterday going tomorrow can I have one hour to myself? And I went, you can have as many hours as you like tomorrow to yourself.

And then I'm here now, so that's not going to happen for her. She's there with Carla. But she didn't know that yesterday. I said, it'll be fine. And she's like, yeah, sure. And then she'll forget all about it. And once away, I've got away with it. Once again, I've got away, not once away.

And also they think they want an hour away, but they love love that's right so today i had him for about 45 minutes and then she came she was like can i take him and i was like you've got 50 minutes left of you time you've scheduled this in you have one more wank get back in there get back in there you know i'm not touching you you've got to develop the calluses otherwise it'll never get easier this is why you shouldn't have given up bouldering while you were pregnant I told you not to I said you are what you claim you fucking brick wall that's what it's like talking to

I was going to we talked about this off camera it's very common I don't know how common it is now camera it's very common I don't know how common it is now but it's very common for if you have a son and your friend has a daughter be like oh maybe

they'll grow up to be boyfriend girlfriend yeah people will grow up to be all the same oh that's your girlfriend that's your boyfriend I don't think you know everyone does it but it certainly comes up whereas I was given evils by both of our Begatid missuses today Where Caleb was probably

Paying attention to your kid Came over Was dead excited To see his little buddy First time he's ever Paying attention to this baby And I was like Maybe they'll be boyfriends

Yeah And Karen Laura went I went Did they really Well maybe It's a bit of a One of them vomited

Into a bucket I saw that Yeah it was like that Another one held the hair And was like Yeah Yeah both Did they really? Well, maybe it's a bit of a... One of them vomited into a bucket. I saw that. Yeah, it was like that. The other one held the hair and was like... Yeah. Yeah, both raging bigots. But I said the reason we both like that idea is because we would then not have to pay for the wedding.

Yeah, government has to pay for it. Yeah. Although we've no daughters, so we never would have to pay for the wedding. Is that how it works? The dad pays for the daughter's wedding. Yeah, yeah. So our next one could be... Are you tapping out of one? one uh no i doubt it you can't have an only child can't

do it yeah they're all the worst friend of mine uh who will remain nameless for now at least while we're on there has first time they've never got all the attention uh for the they have uh child and they're like we're stopping at one because there's actually a lot of studies going around now

that are saying that the old studies that only children are worse are actually being you know disproven

and I was like oh man I don't think anyone read the studies I don't think that's where that stereotype came from

I don't think I ever believed that only children sucked because I read it in New Scientist I think I think that's where that stereotype came from. I don't think I ever believed that Only Children sucked because I read it in New Scientist. I think I think Only Children sucked because of, oh, I don't know, every Only Child I've ever fucking met being a weirdo and a selfish freak.

Yeah, yeah. I think most of them would admit that they're bad. They're like, sorry, it's not my fault, Only Child. I'm sorry, I'm a piece of shit. They get carte blanche to just do whatever. They asked Slur in Japan For Or is it China

Uh oh They all say the same thing They've got all the same sayings Is 421's So that is 4 grandparents, 2 parents, 1 child And it's just like the most spoiled fucking kids in the world. I doubt it's China then because truly that's all of them.

Oh, yes, it must be Japan. And you know what? I did, now that you mention it, we did get told this in Tokyo. So I'm going to confirm that it was. Let's all agree Japan because, yeah. Otherwise, everyone in China, well, everyone in China is an only child. Yeah, yeah. Who was it Maxwell was telling us they got the population wrong

By like one and a half million Yeah Which is mad That's too many to get wrong by Yeah Yeah can't be doing that That's When you say too many what's your solution?

Well It's to have one child each Oh okay So it's easier to count Oh I see You can just go one Here we go done it does make government go how many kids you got 90 a bit uh 15 for me um i also i mean at the moment we're

just doing a i don't want to say shitter version of rebecca and joshua's radio show. Are we? No, dad's chat. What was it called? I don't know, but I feel like we'd be more honest than they would because they've got, um, you know,

uh, an audience, which, um, would be upset by some of the things we've said. Definitely. Definitely. Like I'm excited to share some stuff with my son.

I was thinking this the other day, I was watching something. I mean, I can't wait to like show him that like Lord of the Rings. Oh, I was thinking about this. It's, watching something I went oh I can't wait to like show him that like Lord of the Rings oh man I was thinking about this we've got to do it together yes yeah yeah yeah

like that's got to be like because our kids will be ready for Lord of the Rings at the same time which is 11 years old by the way that's I think it's

young I would say no no yeah but then I was like I started trying to write a joke about it about how I've started to try and read some fantasy

because that's my favourite thing swords and magic that's my jam I'm quite bad most of them are white men so I tried to read some others by like women and BAME people and stuff

it's not as good and the reason why in my head is because good fantasy books are racist right lord of the rings you're all against the orcs they're the bad race there's always a bad race and who's better at racism than white men yeah yeah and also they were all written back in times when like not that racism was over but back it's pretty old we fixed it did we we solved it. Did we? We solved it When was the last time you seen anything racist ever?

I mean now that you mention it I've I can't remember the last time I experienced it So it can't exist I guess by that logic it is well I mean Well done us And they said they said white men podcasting would never fix anything. We fixed it

Fucking. I have never fix anything. We fixed it. Fucking shows and shows. I have never seen anything racist ever. No. No. No, come to think of it, did it ever? I can't do the bed. I can't do the bed anymore. We went one too far.

We went one too far. It maybe existed. And we'll be back after these short messages. Stripe cells. Your friend and mine. Way better than lockets Or the other one Tunes Were they called tunes

Tunes aye Yeah Very confusing in Scotland I feel like We've got to do a spoiler alert For the next bit We're going to talk about The UK version

Of the television show Traitors Which if you have not Seen it yet We highly Recommend it It's been a while Since Britain

In my opinion Has done some really Class reality TV It's top recommend it it's been a while since Britain in my opinion has done some really class reality TV it's top drawer oh it's unbelievably good well the first 15 minutes

are always class and the last 15 minutes are class and then they make them do a task in the middle and you're like yeah alright orienteering

alright cool yeah I guess right yeah go throw fucking darts at a grain of sand or fucking whatever it is they're gonna fuck it because one of the ideas they've had

is celebrities which is not as fun oh disagree you think yeah well I think it's all

Dick and Dom in there and Dick goes we did a TV show together he's not a traitor I think you could do I think you could do a really good one with comedians

I think if it was all fucking circuit comedians all comedians is not a bad show and I think if you were to get like the the right sort of mix of celebrities like it avoid fucking only ways essex oh no maybe not actually because you know what jemma collins you know what i hate her i think she's one of the worst things that's ever happened to this country i think she would be amazing on it she's the uh one from the only way is essex but she's just a arsehole okay right yeah i don't shouldn't be shouldn't be a thing

uh but and the other idea ollie murr's just thick as shit not knowing what's going on he likes to laugh that kid yeah um claud Claudia Winkleman also suggested doing another series with all the same contestants. Oh, now that they know each other's tales and things. Yeah. But like, it's the money that sort of... So if you don't know what it is, if you've ever played the game Secret Hitler, it's essentially a big version of that.

Or Werewolf, it's kind of similar. Werewolf, yeah. They all live in the... Or heads down, thumbs up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Among Us, Jack just said. 20 contestants go to a castle Three of them are traitors

The people who aren't the traitors Have got to try and vote out the traitors And the traitors obviously every night get to kill one of them Blah blah blah It's good it's high quality British television And also one where I Because I mean I've got a bit In my show now about reality television which is basically

talking about how evil producers are on those shows like off camera like you know I think everyone especially in America everyone on a reality TV show is like a victim of you know people who are very good at their job and what their job is is to get people to the end of their

fucking tethers whisper in their ears make them fucking paranoid get them drunk and then aim them at other emotionally unstable people to the end of their fucking tethers, whisper in their ears, make them fucking paranoid, get them drunk, and then aim them at other emotionally unstable people in the name of entertainment. And I applaud them for it. I love garbage reality television. It's evil, but the world's going to end in 50 years,

so I don't care. This seems to be a show where, I don't think they were that dicky. Like, you know, I didn't think- there was a lot of nice people in it. Uh, well for a bit until the, the, the,

the, the Scottish queen turned on a fucking dime. Oh, I was like, who's the Scottish queen? The gay fella. Yes. Uh,

yeah, I, I think I text you going, I like this guy. And then it was 20 minutes later I went what happened and then just lost his mind a lot of them lose their mind very quickly

that magician and I don't think I need to make it clear again my very strong stance on magicians card carrying kid botherers not all of them not all of them but a substantial amount

a substantial amount are creepy as fucking hell it's the highest concentration of creep to why are there no female magicians ask yourself that ask yourself that yeah yeah ask yourself that it's because they're not just being sawn in half yeah there's a oh no i can't do that that's that's

all you need to know really about uh magicians is like they they're like what could we do a trick to get women involved how about we cut them in half? Yeah, yeah. That's what your, your idea of getting a woman involved is to mutilate her. She's got to be scantily clad so that when I cut her in half that the fake blood makes sense.

You know she'd still bleed if she had clothes on, right? Shut up. Oh, let's make them change really quickly. Yeah, yeah. The two tricks. I tell you, don't they take fucking ages

to get changed now this is the most incredible trick you have ever seen in your life one of these is going to get ready in a second flat

nah that's ever been early for a reservation that's the real trick today and now for my next trick one of them pays for dinner

oh I want a character really sexist magician now it's all of them it's all of them pays for dinner oh i want a character really sexist magician though it's all of them it's all yeah yeah if you want to see that character go see any god that's funny here's a woman that doesn't i'm a magician watch this one drive a car safely shazam that guy's good this guy's really good

this magician is really honey he's amazing how does he do it? Magnets, it's got to be magnets I find this really, really degrading Teach me your trick She volunteers for the next one Get her up and get

I don't mind if you saw her in half I'm fed up Sexist magicians What a bunch of creeps yeah yeah that's the theme song sexist magicians what a bunch of creeps but yeah that dude I'm fucking glad Supercharging is over I tell you that

I am having a swell time. But yeah, that magician, the second he revealed it and then he starts going, I could tell people. He loses his fucking mind, man. So fast. And I want to say, man, if he comes out and he's like, you know what, off camera, they were winding us up and they were getting in our fucking heads.

But man, I just think they all just wound each other up. I think it was cast really well. Yes, yeah, yeah. But God, he whited man he did he whited so much i would have drug tested him because oh my god he lost his fucking head man yeah i've never seen it his missus takes him outside and she's like okay you need to calm down uh because yeah and then he started doing the like mentalist sort of stuff

which he was like at one point he says I'm one of the best magic creators in the world and I will quit magic if I've got this wrong

and then they stand up and go I'm not a traitor and he's like shit did you all record me saying that yeah

and now with my psychic powers I'm going to delete all footage. It's not. We're still filming. Bunch of fucking losers, man. Look, I know our job is embellishing

Their job is just Fucking lying It's disgusting I've seen a magician in the fringe And do you know what he was fucking amazing The tricks were brilliant I've no problem with magicians doing tricks My problem is when they do all the other stuff in between

He started off the show by going I wanted to make a show where I impressed Even myself doing tricks. My problem is when they do all the other stuff in between. He started off the show by going, I wanted to make a show where I impressed even myself. And I went, you gross weirdo. I wanted to write a show where I made myself laugh. That's every show you've ever done, Daniel.

You fucking nuts. Yeah, but it's not the whole show. Isn't you going? No, no. If you know what was going on up in here. Me. Me. Yeah.

No. They're just, it's how, I mean, they're just all creeps. Not all of them, but 98% is a comfortable guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The few magicians that I get on with, I'm amazed that I like them. Every time I'm like, God, your sound. Yeah. They're always a bit like, what? I'm like, ah, nevermind. always a bit like What I'm like ah never mind It's just you know

All the stuff I say About you behind your back So for any budding Magicians out there Good luck you fucking creep Yeah Yeah yeah I want to

I had an idea for a podcast The other day You and me Did a podcast together You know how During lockdown Zach Braff and Donald Faison re-watched every episode

of Scrubs? Yes. Fake Doctors, Real Friends. All those, by the way, are excellent. The Always Sunny one is also incredible. Oh man, I love it. I'm like, man, this is exactly... I like outtakes from things. I like seeing more of that. It's like, keep

giving me content i'll keep fucking consuming if elijah wood does it with billy boyd and they just watch 10 minutes of lord of the rings and then do a podcast after i will subscribe to that patreon yeah even if it's a thousand pound a month i'll be like yes please that's for me so so unbelievably good. I think we should do a version of that. But we've not created any content, I hear you say. That's true. But we do love Bluey. Oh, right.

That's not where I thought this was going. And I am on board. That would be my podcast, right? Which is just, we watch one 10-minute episode of Bluey, and then we do an hour podcast on it as dad's been like how fucking good's this show yeah it's so funny when andrew mack shows around the other day yeah because he came when he was sat us both down and he was like i know you're both dads now so i just want to like in a little secret it's the greatest television show not just for

kids but one of the ones yeah the greatest television that's ever been created and me and you both you both went bluey yeah he was like yeah it's oh it's so good if you're not a parent go and watch it watch it you'll have a nice time yeah you'll walk away feeling good about yourself yeah it's i oh god i couldn't i couldn't gush about it fucking more yeah i think it makes me it makes me say really lame things like I think it's important I think it's got good messages

like the parents love each other right it's not like fucking Peppa Pig right where everyone

calls the fucking dad fat right and the dad's just a big gormless idiot and the mum's a bitch

because that's what men and women are these are two adults who love each other very much they say it often on the show.

They're clearly loving. They talk the way real people do to each other. And the rule is they join in with 100% of their kids' bits. Yeah. It's such warm television to watch. Oh, yeah. They're the best improvisers ever. It's yes and all the time.

Yeah, yeah. But, like, I think the good message from it, which they never outright state, is because they love each other and are nice their kids are the dream they're so good

they're so well behaved and they always learn a good lesson yes and it's always good things it's like it's like body autonomy

setting personal boundaries you know being respectful understanding people's space yeah like really just good and it's not it's not

it's not leftist proper fucking gander yeah I think man it's wholesome messages across the board I don't think there's anything

political about it with any is there I don't know there's no cats there's no cats there's no cats the dream world

what happened to all the fucking cats there's just little bits of the show that I love like the little moments like there's sometimes when like

one of the parents is getting involved in something and the kid's tails start wagging and it breaks my fucking heart every time

I'm like the kids are loving it they're having a good time and then the kids get really on board like yeah alright whatever you see how

you see how you said it breaks your heart there those emotions you're showing and feeling that's your heart slowly thawing oh I don't like it I don't like it breaks your heart there. Those emotions you're showing and feeling, that's your heart slowly thawing. Oh, I don't like it. I don't like it.

I don't like it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, trust me. Like when it kicks in, when that love kicks in, that awe, everything's going to make you cry. I said to you,

I was watching an episode of the play. You never cry. No, never. You never cry. You and me are polar opposites. Like I don't think in our entire friendship I've seen you cry once. And I think you've seen me cry this year already.

Twice today. I missed you. No, I was nearly crying high friendship i've seen you cry once and i think you've seen me cry this year already twice today no i was nearly crying at episodes the other day because one of the dogs uh didn't have a friend and was really shy and didn't know how to make a friend and then ends up friends with bingo at the end yeah and then she just said something like and now me and bingo are best friends and i hope we're friends forever and it was loads of photos of them like hanging out and hugging and stuff and i just was holding my son at the time and looked down at him and i went one day he's gonna make a little pal and they might be friends forever and they'll be his best man at his wedding and i was like and i went this is bullshit i never used to feel anything and i don't like it man it gets way hello you know i'm looking forward to

experiencing joy yeah yeah it's quite And pure, unfiltered rage. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All the emotions, I can't wait for them. Oh, man, just hear, I tell you what, I tell you what, like, hell is. When your kid is sick, right, and it doesn't matter how sick your kid is. Yeah.

It's just the worst because... Well, he's got a cold right now. It's not great great did you use the snot sucker not only like it's one of the like i have strong words with cara about protocol and demeanor while we worked at that as a team for those of you that don't know there's this horrible fucking invention your kid gets a blocked nose, right? When they get a blocked nose. It's called a snot sucker. Snot sucker, yeah.

It's a straw that goes into the thing. There's a filter. Which is what I call a blowjob, by the way. Because it sucks the snot, right? That's what a cum is, right? Yeah, it's snot. It just comes out the other end. That's why it's green. So it's like there's a tube And there's a filter so the boogers don't go up your nose

But you're still sucking snot out of a child's nose Like you're siphoning petrol out Of a fucking 4x4 Yeah And your partner has to hold your child So his head doesn't fucking move out of the way And you've got to have it in the nose You can't jam it up. They're very delicate things.

When I'm sucking because Cara's such a queasy bitch. And this is coming from a queasy bitch himself. While I'm sucking snot out of my child's nose, she's like and I'm like, don't make a

What are you fucking doing? I'm sucking here. If I throw like, don't make a fool. What are you fucking doing, man? I'm sucking ear. If I throw up, I'm spewing down a tube that's going into his nose. That's not going to make things better. You're just a bunch of my stomach acid into the back of his fucking brain. Yeah, no, I deal with that. That's how he develops an accent. Yeah.

Oh, thanks, daddy. Oh, no. I ruined them Oh my nose is much better thank you Oh fuck he's English Fuck I thought I I thought I breathed this out of myself Pick a card daddy

Oh no Is it this one Cara are you saying this Don't talk to the woman They're all sexist They're all sexist. Oh, they're sexist. They're all sexist. Sexist baby magicians. Um,

have you released your special? No. No. Do you know what? I've messed up. Oh. I picked a date. I was like,

right, we're releasing it. And I was going to do it on the 1st of February, but I realized I'm doing that same show at the Glasgow Comedy Festival. And I went, well, I can't release it before I do it for the last time. So I'll be out after that same show at the Glasgow Comedy Festival. And I went, well, I can't release it before I do it for the last time.

So I'll be out after that. I've changed my mind, basically. Because I don't want to release it and then everyone to go, can I have a refund on my tickets, please? I'm just going to watch it on YouTube. What you could do is you could like, what time does the show start

at the Glasgow Comedy Festival? I don't know, like half seven, eight, something like that. Stand. 16th of March. Tickets very much available. Yeah. But if you can't make it to that show because you live in another part of the world,

what you can do is you can sell that special on the website, at whatever that time is, and pretend that it's been live streamed. Oh, that's not bad. That's not bad at all. I'm watching this live. Yeah, you are. No way. Good for you.

Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I'm going to release it later Because I didn't realise It was that show I thought was doing a work in progress At Glasgow but I'm not But I'm also relieved I'm not because I've got No ideas for routines And I had half the French show written this time last year I'll give you one guess What your next fucking French show is about

Yeah Being a single dad guess i'll give you one guess what your next fucking french show is about yeah i'll give you a single dad when she hears all this back yeah she'll be like you don't love him oh not yet bitch yeah i made the mistake of telling her i don't love him and now she asks me almost every day do you love him yet i'm like no yeah it's getting better is he asking you to ask me yeah is he embarrassed dad said anything

so yeah she asked me all the time and I'm always like a little bit more than before but still not really Cara also

Cara also pretends that she fucking loved Caitlin straight away in those first two dates she was I mean she was drugged up and she was confused

yeah and then there was like I'm just telling you I definitely kissed him I've been drugged up and confused was confused Yeah And then There was like I'm just telling you I definitely kissed him I've been drugged up and confused And thought I've loved stuff before I thought you were like

I've been drugged up and confused And thought I loved him And then I woke up in the morning And I was so embarrassed That I told him Yeah I had to calm down Oh no I told you

Listen buddy I said some things last night I've got the fear I've done It's time to learn about the fear boy Pretend to drop him Yeah but i'm not shaking up would you you weren't here for when i pretended to drop in front of cullen were you no i had a big snowsuit and it like it's rigid so it looks like there's a baby in all the time and i was carrying it and cullen opens the front door

and i would say hey i dropped it And Cullen's reaction was to just stand And do nothing No that was him trying to use his fucking Bald profession Bring them back to life Rise child But then I kept like Cullen for the last time

Just because you're bald Doesn't mean you're Charles Xavier. I've got a helmet. That's not the only reason he's brainy, okay? But I kept then holding up the snowsuit when he knew it was empty and like kicking it. You stupid baby.

You embarrassed me. Where's my money? But yeah, the mums were not having fun. But I was having the time of my life. Well, look, they have very different standards for baby safety yeah than we do standards for love yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but yeah if i'm pushing the pram and i let go of a little bit go oh laura goes that is not funny i'm like we are on a straight path there's nothing around and also because of your reaction it's funny

You know what it's funny Well done Thanks for encouraging me you fucking idiot I'm pushing a trolley in a supermarket Spinning it around Running and jumping on it Whee Through car parks

Throwing it in a river yeah it floats why do they call it a Moses basket then oh well

I'll check in with you in a month and we'll see if you love them then yes alright sounds good yeah

look forward to it