Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.18: B-list Philosophers

Episode Date: February 8, 2023

With their better halves predisposed Elliot and Kai merge their podcasts to create one crossover episode for both platforms, enjoy your power episode of B-List Philosophers.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Ah, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Hello, welcome to BTEC Philosophers Crossover with Soss and Humphries on the road, just with Humphries. Look at us. Who would have thought? Not me. Both of our co-hosts, let's be honest, couldn't be fucked. No, no. Family gathering, what I mean. Oh, really? What I mean. One what I mean one of my co-hosts you know I'd say family

gathering Michael just he was meant to be in Manchester and then he's not in Manchester and now so I was like

oh you can come do the podcast and he was like no I'm doing something with my mum do they trust us at the wheel

a pair of them absolutely let's get real racist on this episode I'm not ending up in another book too many at the wheel, the pair of them. Absolutely. Let's get real racist on this episode. Man, I'm not ending up in another book. Too many publications

have spawned from me and ED in podcasting. They shouldn't even make a splash. Why are we Times best selling? Kyle Humphries, man, it's good to have you in. Good to have you on the show. I'm proud of you, man,

by the way. Oh, thank you. Because you keep popping up on the show. I'm proud of you, man, by the way. Oh, thank you. Because you keep popping up on the timeline with loads of topical clips. Oh. And sometimes I think people look at that and just go, oh, look, there we go. But that's you being busy, that.

You're writing. Yeah, yeah. You're doing loads of work for it. You're putting time in. You're going there. You're doing new material at a fucking place that's filming it, putting it out when it's relevant.

And I was just looking at that guy. Fucking look at that boy. Oh, thank you, man. It's a lot of, it's, yeah, I did a free. Like, fuck that. That looks, that looks exhausting, that.

Yeah, I like it. I, I, I enjoy it. I have three things. There's three things I love doing. I like going, I like going to like New Wave and training there. I like doing comedy and I like boozing. And I can only do two of those three things.

So I always have to do comedy, but at the moment I've been trying to do all three. And fuck, man, my jiu-jitsu's been suffering. It's the cigarettes, the booze. Yesterday I got found out in a class with blues and purple belt. That's probably the one of the three that you'd like, it's going to hurt the most if you slip. Yeah. Yeah, if you slip in comedy, it's a bit wounding.

You've had a fucking bit of a duff gig and you can pick yourself up and dust yourself off. But that, like, you probably, you may break your arm. Yeah, exactly. Well, it's not, yeah, it's the ego thing of that where, it's's funny when you do something because you've gotten into golf recently. Fair weather, by the way. You'll not have seen us over the winter, David. Right, okay, yeah. Last summer I did and it's so bad how you can just regress. You can think that you're doing all right and then you just go one day and you're just an infant. and then you just go one day and you're just an infant.

Yeah. Well, that's like anything because I think you always strip something back in life, which is kind of what I want to talk to you about because you're getting into philosophy or something. You all have some of the best life attitudes of anyone I know, not just in a way of looking happy, like really looking at something and going, well, how can I spin this situation into something

where it's a positive? When we always bring up on this show the story of the Chinese farmer, which I think you quite emulate that in life a little bit. And why were you wearing headphones? I was going to say you were farting too loudly. I was going to turn these Meg tunes so no one else can hear them.

Sorry, mate. We're just complimenting you. So I held hands over the table. This is just proper fun. I'm still trying to eat me. Tell me some nice stuff about me and how I'm like a Chinese farmer. Wait a minute, what?

I'm sure I was just keen to eat. You know one of those ones that like died on the mouth because there was no rice? Yeah, you remind me of that. So you have this, out of anyone I've ever known, just this very positive outlook towards things. Where does that come from? You know what?

I just think that there's no sense fucking getting yourself worked up about the little setbacks because they're going to happen along the way. You know, if you're sitting

in the house and being out, right, there's probably going to be no setbacks but if you're going out and trying to do something, like if you're travelling and running,

like use a recent example, I'm going to run to Paris on two hour with Daniel, right, and I lose my wallet, right? That sucks losing your wallet, especially in a foreign country but like, right, and I lose my wallet, right? That sucks, losing your wallet, especially in a foreign country. But, like, if I hadn't left the Hoos, I wouldn't have lost my wallet.

Yeah. It's something that, like, if you're travelling around, there's going to be little setbacks and you worry about things like, oh, what if my luggage doesn't turn up? And your luggage doesn't turn up, and you're like,

sometimes luggage doesn't turn up, right? It's like, if you're trying to get to a goal or you're enjoying a journey, it's not going to be a straight line. And if there's little bumps on the road that fucking get in your way then you fucking each one of them's its own little puzzle that you've got to get your heat run and sort it so yeah yeah attitude can be right what's my next step me fucking reality's just changed in front of us how am i going to deal with this situation now to get where i'm going or you could just be a miserable out there i couldn't just fucking go, well, this road's

closed. I'm turning back. And I think it's just I've got a kind of attitude like that, but it doesn't stop us getting fucking wound up. I'm still pissed off about what we want. I imagine on the ride with Sloss, who is the opposite of like, would you mean that Uber's not here yet?

How many people have to die for my Uber to arrive? He's the biggest elitist I've ever known while trying to peddle himself as a socialist. He's got an outward philosophy of socialism

but if there's any way that there's mere peasants on the same status as him status he'll be fucking angry. He's like, is there a way to pay there's mere peasants on the same status as him. Status. Yeah. He'll be fucking angry. Like, he's like, is there a way to pay

to make this better for me than what it is for these mere mortals? But I get that. So the other night, me and Darcy, one of our mates ended up, like,

having a room, a hotel room at the Shard she couldn't make, gave it to Darcy and, like, oh, it was incredible. It was insane. Like, this amazing view

of London. Can we just talk about Ryan Cullen in the WhatsApp group when you told him you were staying at the Shard he was like what's the Shard anyway

what's the Birch Cleaver lads has anyone heard of the MIS State Building it's like the biggest landmark in one of the major cities it's in every it dominates the skyline of London

because it was just me and you in the chat he's trying to make on like we've got London on this elevated plane of existence It dominates the skyline of London. Because it was just me and you in the chat, he's trying to make on, like, we've got London on this elevated plane of existence that nobody else has, because we've spent time living here. You still live here. And that we were in our own little bubble,

thinking the shard was something people had heard of. And he fucking managed to try and spin that narrative for a good 10, 15 minutes before fucking other Scottish lads kept diving in there, mate. What the fuck are you talking about, mate? Are you tripping? This is what I always remember. Kaia's one of the happiest attitudes

of anyone I've ever known. But also one of the will not let go the slightest of grievances. There's like things that have happened on holiday seven years ago where someone forgot to bring back another beer.

And Kaia's like, well, that just tells you all you need to know about them seven. And the guy's like, well, that just tells you all you need to know about them. That's there in a nutshell. Someone took the extra half of a pill. Roan Dodger, eh? I don't know if they take me Dodger Road in 2017. Slow grabbing your wallet, were you?

That stuck, didn't it? I bet you wish you didn't have that 40 quid new when you had your reputation, huh? But yeah, so I was staying there and it's funny, I know you've done like the Dubai gigs

and things like that and also like being on, because I've sort of, since I've known you and Daniel, you guys used to tour and do good numbers but then seeing

what the tour has become and you guys, you know, in the sense of building that and doing that, it's now a different thing. Like you stay in quite nice hotels,

which you fucking deserve and that's the thing always on the road when you want to get there. I always feel that way. I get in my scruffy track, you sound like, I deserve this.

This is, I get like, is there an opposite to imposter syndrome? Is it just being an imposter? And it's like, again, I'm not meant to be here, guys.

Suck it. Absolutely suck it, all of you. But yeah, but that, but you get accustomed to those do you now have it so when i was staying at the shard we went we went to a restaurant there right and the restaurant we wanted to go to was fully booked and so we went to this other one and we walk in and this place was it was fancy it was overpriced the food was fine but it was the view and the vibe you were paying for and it was very dim like barely any visibility in hollister yes

and there's like this sort of techno music going on but going with the food and stuff but as we walk in the woman looks at darcy fight and looks at me and goes you know you gotta buy one main each so funny i'm just there like man can i one day just walk into a place i totally feel that man i'm gonna say security guys follow me around the shop i'm not gonna steal anything but i get it i'm cool with that but then uh how quickly you come accustomed to those um even if you're in something like that for a few hours you come across them to like a level of service you come across this or a level of thing and i totally get why people who do that on the regular then the minute they go to something where that's not happened are a bit like hey sorry excuse me waiter hey sorry i can see how that happens rather than someone's i think we like

to label people just go well they're a cunt they're an arsehole but you go maybe they've just got standards yeah that they adhere their life to and also if you're somewhere really expensive you're very aware of how much money you're putting in your fucking and putting put your hand in your pocket for for that experience right so if the experience isn't like what you're expecting for that money there is a little bit of that feel short-changed it's when people start taking that attitude at like a fucking Weatherspoons and you're like, you're not paying,

you're not paying for the level of service you're getting annoyed for not getting. Like, so I guess I, if anybody takes that attitude

down the ranks, that's when they're a cunt. Yeah, that's a good point because Darcy's like done like a fair few of those things like she stayed in

amazing hotels in Hong Kong and stuff for having that and I was, I was, Darcy's done a fair few of those things. She's stayed in amazing hotels in Hong Kong and stuff. She was telling me, if something fucks up, I just let it. It just fucks up.

You brought me the wrong thing. I guess I'm having that. This isn't cooked to the way I want it. I guess I'm eating that. She's like, you can send it back. I hate myself when I do that because I got it i got a cold latte in a place in glasgow and it wasn't it was just like i was like i'm gonna have to fucking down this now i know and i just couldn't bring myself i just couldn't bring myself to go excuse me how much did you pay for it like 350 all right no so i have

this theory on things like that i think i brought it up on here before that I pay £3, yeah, £3.40 for a latte, but the place I went to today in Brixton, it's good. It's really good. So I'm like, all right, you're still fucking me, but you're fucking me gently.

You're giving me a nice fucking, fine. But everywhere else around it then does the £3.40 latte. And I go, you don't get to do it as well. You have to have the same standard. Experience.

I want to go in there and it's the same level of so then everywhere starts doing it and that then becomes the standard price of a latte or you know a pint or something like that and they don't clean the taps and you go you don't get to charge me this for the same thing so there i'll do something i think i should send it back i still don't yeah you've kind of also just got a every transaction that you have just assume people are watching you it's you like just got to, every transaction that you have, just assume people are watching you. Assume, like,

even if that's the bad outlook, right, because you're doing it for an ulterior reason, right, but, like, if you're going to complain about something,

do it nicely. Do it, like, pleasantly because, you know, like, if any of your friends from home or your, like, fans from the podcast or whatever saw you being a tit like that,

like, that sticks. That's who you are. Oh oh my fans would so expect that it would do yeah my fans would be oh yeah that's it oh is that Elliot Steele what the ghost

spitting on the waitress yeah there he is that's him but I yeah I had a I do feel I think we're all capable of those moments though

like I don't like those websites or there's this TikTok account where it talks about celebrities and tipping. And one, I feel I'm going to be a bit Steve Buscemi at the beginning of Reservoir Dogs here. I don't get why we tip. I don't know why my job is now paying.

Your employer isn't paying you. And in America where they're being paid fuck all, the service is exceptional they have when when you go to america that diner we were in new york you immediately sat down water coffee yeah it's done they're like they're like pay whatever you feel like i deserve and by the end of it you feel like they deserve a decent amount of your wedge for the experience you've had so you'll pay yeah then you'll get to somewhere like australia where it's 25 bucks for your fucking eggs and they couldn't give a fuck

about you they're getting paid already because you've bought the meal that includes their wage and then they don't give a fuck so like there is that element but there's people

I still believe that's the correct method of doing it you should pay your staff yeah exactly but then here there's like you probably recruit better if you're paying them well

yeah just do like I don't mind people doing their job badly because god knows i'm capable of if i can't be bothered at a comedy show like i'm capable of walking on and very much being that waiter there who's being paid out the eggs i did the restaurant takeover for have a word so i was a waiter and i swift realized i was really bad at my job right really but But I was fucking stoned, so I was going to be great at it, no matter what the job was.

But I was like, right, be super fucking pleasant with everyone and all that, and that totally makes up for it. If you can just be kind and nice and all that, if you fucking bring the wrong dish or something turns up a bit late, it's totally forgiven if you're being sound and they like you.

Weren't you doing shots at the table with them i was sitting doing ordering food at that time i was putting that order through putting a bit extra on for me it's so funny because i was ordering drinks on other people's uh tabs oh amazing so like i would get i would go and order drinks at like daniel's table or lauren's table right and ordering drinks on other people's tabs oh amazing so like I would I would go and order drinks at like Daniel's table or Lauren's table right and put drinks on for me

so when they come through I'm like there's your drink there's your drink there's mine right and it's on another table's bill that isn't mine right and I was thinking that I was class

and then I got the bill filed on my table and them cunts have been doing it to me I thought I thought I was the only one doing it it's like that bit

in I don't know if you've seen The Wire, where they double cross each other and one of them gets sent to prison for life and the other one gets murdered, the two lead, they both run a gang and they both double cross each other but you don't know they've done it

and in the end, he's just stood there as he's about to be killed, like, motherfucker got me worse than I got him. You're both doing the same fucking shit until I was realising.

Yeah, it's evens. But I found that like um you know about venue when you get a venue sometimes and i find this uh i find this a lot with like a like you'll do like a live nation venue or something and so the way it works was there used to be these beautiful old theaters and they might be like volunteer but people work they would have a love for the theatre. And with that sort of corporatisation of what's happening with theatres and everything like that, there's then, I turned up to one in Bournemouth,

and the people don't get like any, he just couldn't get through. I just knocked on the door, need to get through. He's like, you need to walk around the back through this alleyway, this like crack den

of an alleyway and check in with security. I'm like, can't I just walk through the foyer? Did he tell our damsel, can you escort me? Yeah, yeah,

can you just let me walk through and tell security, no, no, it says on our thing we're not allowed to do that. Yeah, but dude,

it's not, so I walked around the back of security area outside having a cigarette and then I just walked in no problem anyway and I was like can I get to the green room

and they're like what's a green room and you know when you're like really yeah you're like I don't want to be an arsehole the club owner needs to have a look at that

because it really diminishes your worth before you've got to go on and be confident in front of their punters yeah so if they can give you a nice experience

from your working through the door that you're getting on stage they're going to get a much better product from you it's quite a simple business really but if they if they didn't care about that they didn't really care about the club so it's yeah but i think that's that's the thing that sort of happens now within this sort of corporatization not just of like stand-up comedy but everything is that the good thing with those places that were like family-owned restaurants or friends who bought a thing together was that they had a relationship with the people. There was a relationship with the customers. So you'd go to the restaurant that wasn't as good

because the people were as nice and you know that they were friendly and stuff. Whereas the place where it's just like, I'm a big fan of it, Nando's. I love it because i know what i'm getting but there's no also now i find it weird if i go in one of those places to be fair and someone tries to be overly familiar with me they're like have you been here before you're like i like off this i stood here waiting for me before you just walk in have a seat get me up

and what are you doing oh that that time where you had to like use your email to order food that would that could right off. Fucking filling in forms. Everyone's just using the pandemic to data harvest. Yeah. That's all it was. I'm like, why the fuck do you need me next to Kin in their email address? Can I get a pint?

I was there when I fucking went to a Virgin Active gym once, and it was, what's their next to Kin? What's their number? So I put my fucking dad's name, number, right? What's his email address? And I just wrote, if I fucking have an accident, do you want to email me, Dad? Me, Dad? I fucking check his emails

about once every three months or something and he'd be like oh fucking Kai had a heart attack in the gym January 2002 and I get 15% on the next sale

it's like swings and roundabouts again back to the dormant thing it's funny because I remember one of the first things you know when you're learning things swings and roundabouts again back to the Dorman thing it's funny because I remember one of the first things you know when you're

learning things off like established comedians when you're new John Favagil said to me always make friends with the Dorman

always be nice to the Dorman because because you're going to need them before they ever need you they'll never need you but you might need them right so make sure that they like you when you're going to need them before they ever need you. They'll never need you, but you might need them.

So make sure that they like you when you're on stage, right? That's what he said, that I just watch you eat. I'm like, he's never been given that advice, has he? You walk into every dorm and like, why have you got that badger not me? I can see it. You know, I'm regressing to jiu-jitsu at the minute. I could probably struggle for three minutes against you,

but that means my claim. I wouldn't tap you, but, you know, I may make it to the bell. I'll make you need a glass of water. I have a thing with... Well, it's a thing with authority that I totally need to get over, but having that opinion is what's got me to where I am. Like I'm saying with that guy who speaks for those with Bournemouth I have a thing where just I want to explain to people sometimes like there's a there's a thing in life where it really think about what's happening right

now is this is it that deep can we find it is it you know like you know when you go into a place like that thing with a guy in Bournemouth and you go why do I need to walk around it I'm clearly one of the acts so let me through here it's hard to get through to them but because like uh here's an example right I was in um the Newcastle game on the semi-final and uh I'm at the bar and there's a lad there who's got like a massive round he's looking for his mates and everything right and I was like you want a hand with our drinks to our pals he was like aye but they're in the barracks which is this kind of like fucking wristband bar and he'd walked into the wrong one so you needed to get out of the public bar into the

like VIP bar on his wristband with the paints but the only way I knew was through the stadium and you kind of take your paints into the stadium

so all we had to do right is go up to the lads who were stopping you getting in with your paints into the stadium and say to them is there a way

we can get these up to the bar and the wristbands right and they couldn't get it through their heads that we were trying to get the up to the bar and the wristbands right and they couldn't get it through their heads that we were trying to get the pints

into the stadium and I'm like sir like it's hard to fucking you know especially my accent looking like me

holding three pints going sir can I just have a conversation with you as adults yeah intellectual discussion like and now you're in a position of authority

and you're trying to stop me getting through there but I just want to know is there another way without going through the stadium into the bar to get these pints to the people that they belong to after spending over price at the fucking closed market bar right and just man to man trying to have a conversation with somebody with critical thought was fucking impossible yeah like i just couldn't break the glass between where if he's in a position of

authority and i just need some advice on what to do in my situation. It's fucking brutal, man, and it's hard not to get annoyed in them situations.

Yeah, it's really difficult and like, you know, the things I've had here as well as, you know, other comedians

slightly vindicated, which we won't go into. I mean, I'm not playing here again, am I? It's not very much.

What are we talking about? The comedy club here. It's not. Oh, right. Is that the one where you got frisked? Yeah. And then you said something on stage about the door staff, but the acts thought you were talking about them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was so unlucky from your part. I can't remember how you worded it. I worded it very badly. You said something about, don't complain about the comedian that's on last after the experience you've had at the Dorset and that, right? But on last, you meant closing.

Yes. But what it was heard as was on last, on for me, on previously last. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the previous comedians got fucking butthurt. Is that the one you're talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was so unlucky for you.

Because that wasn't your intention, but it's already landed. The fucking punch has landed. You didn't mean to swing it. Yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I feel really embarrassed by it.

I've apologised. Luckily, we've dropped it and didn't do a whole podcast about it on Monday. It escalated that, didn't it? Well, yeah, we talked about it a little bit and I feel we were very fair. But the thing that I'll bring, I think what happens is,

as you talk about online, you see me working and doing things. There's a thing I've sort of discovered recently, which you've, I've never seen you have, because you're very comfortable, not in just as yourself as a person, but career wise as a comedian,

like you work hard, you go around the world, you do all of these gigs and stuff. And you're, but you've always been on the circuit. You've always been active and you sort of live your life with this i i live my life to be happy uh-huh not for uh so i it stifles the ambition a little bit but i yeah like career success isn't my main goal like happiness is like the fucking ultimate achievement and if that's me saturday me who's from playstation we fucking dog on my lap then I'll have a night off

yeah but you're also doing really well like it's not like you're sat you live you know oh yeah I'm not sat playing PlayStation with my dog on my lap

sweating the fuck because I'm not working the night because bills need paid there is an element to that yeah yeah and you know you've you know

you come from life you grew up in like a rough area oh there's such a low threshold for what we're successful yeah so the fact that you're not on tag

yeah the fact that you're not just sat in your house because you can't leave it is is an achievement but but

but I think what happens is people come into this job and they see people you know I have to be self aware like my dad is who he is so I now I now get accused

of being a nepo baby a lot which I never used to which is strange because like like, my dad is who he is, so I now get accused of being a nepo baby a lot, which I never used to. Which is strange because, like, even though your dad is a successful comedian, it's not like you've followed in his footsteps in any particular way. Like, you've had your own route. And I knew you before your dad,

so I never had a preconceived judgment of you, but when I eventually met your dad, apart from looks, I wouldn't have guessed he was your dad. He's a much better person. Kind of hard, better values. I actually don't know what happened to you.

I thought the same but the opposite when I met your dad. Oh! Not that. Oh, Kev! I love Kev. He's probably the sweetest man.

The nicest man in the world. If you know Kai's dad, he's just the sweetest bloke in the world. He's probably the sweetest man. Kev's the nicest man in the world. If you know Kazan, he's just the sweetest bloke in the world. That's a sweetheart. But yeah, but that, so I think, going back to what happened

where it then sort of escalated, this person already didn't like me. I'm guessing because I, you know, you see my output online, you see, oh, well, and then instead of going,

oh, maybe his clips are doing better because he goes out every night of the week and gigs and refines material and therefore is getting oh, well, and then instead of going, oh, maybe his clips are doing better because he goes out every night of the week in gigs and refines material and therefore is getting better. Yeah, like what I've spotted when I come in here, I was like, I've spotted what you're doing. I can see the bit that goes out, that's one minute, but I also see the fucking hours of work that went into that one minute bit.

Whereas like people aren't seeing that hour, people are seeing the one minute. Yeah. That's the thing. So when they see that one minute and they see it doing well they're like why is that doing well they need another excuse

because like they might not be doing as well and then they it's such a it's almost hack to just clutch onto the fact that he's a dad yeah yeah yeah

as well like they'll go oh well it's easy because you know Top Secret put him on and they've got a camera there was years I went to Top Secret

and couldn't get on I had to stand around and watch other comments go on and then they'll bully me like I'm stood there and Jamali Maddox is on and i'm not on do you think jamali's being nice about it like do you think he's do you think other comedians like ruthlessly bully me for my lack of like bookings like that like i have been mercilessly bullied for that oh mate that ongoing bit about you not doing the comedy so the Comedy Store. Because you've done your 10 spot, got off on a 20, in verbal.

I did the 20. No, no, you've done it now. No, no, I did the 20. Oh, the weekend. I never got the weekend. So you've done your Thursday. So you're getting paid at the Comedy Store, which is just a fucking accolade. It's really validating.

It makes you feel fucking great. It's like, if you're trying to get all that gigs, it just a fucking accolade that every new it's really validating it makes you feel fucking great it's like if you're trying to get other gigs it's a fucking it's a little skeleton key it certainly was at the beginning of my career that the comedy store

give you money they also give you a key to go and do other gigs yeah open stores you could email someone and go here's where I do weekends

and if they see the store they should be booking you they trust the process yeah and they can book you blind based on that and so you had done the 20 They should be booking you. They trust the process. Yeah. And they can book you blind based on that. And so you had done the 20 and you got verbally off on weekends and you fucking were biggie, big bollocks.

There's me pals. I did weekends at the store, lads. And some of the people in the group fucking hadn't even done the 20. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's like this thing in there. And then fucking one year turned into two and you still still hanging off at that weekend

and then just the more time passed the more fucking people were just hanging on the fucking massive rant you had where you whipped your cock out. Oh mate, do you know what's hilarious?

I then got given four weekends and then some cunt ate a bat. Oh yeah. That fucking prick. You're the real victim. Yeah. And then, and then what happened is they went to me

they like actually they went to my agent we're really sorry about they booked me in for November they then went to me like just as everything was opening up actually

we've had a dropout for the opening weekend the first weekend back Elliot do you want to come do it yeah I'd love to Boris Johnson push back opening by three

weeks there you go this is the thing of push back by three weeks it doesn't mean your book is pushed back by three weeks it means the tides come in on you and that person's book is now the first one and then for six months and then they'll try and plug you in later on when who the fuck knows what's gonna happen then but i i you know playing there is i was actually thinking about this the other day it's kind of this weird thing i always wanted to play a one for that skeleton key too because I'd felt like I'd proved myself that I was an actual comedian, like whatever. I never really had too many doubts

about being my dad's son. That never really got to me too much apart from maybe my first year. But fuck, I was struggling to get on the clubs because I probably wasn't good enough if I'm really honest with myself. I was hanging out with a lot of... Mate, this is the thing, mate.

When I'm booked a gig, I think somebody's got to be good enough to smash the gig but also good enough to be able to spend time with for a weekend and you're definitely good enough. Yeah.

Yeah, that's the other thing I will say tonight. We've got a few younger comedians listening. If you're going to have a Patricia O'Neill attitude, make sure you have Patricia a few younger comedians listening. If you're going to have a Patricia O'Neill attitude, make sure you have Patricia O'Neill-level comedy. If you're going to be hard to work with,

you've got to be really fucking good. Be good company. Be somebody not only that's going to do a good job at the gig, but somebody that when they're booked in for their weekend and they're booking their travel, they check their line-up to see who's on and they see that you're on and they go, oh, sweet, I want to hang out with them.

I want to spend some time. That doesn't mean be an absolute fucking sesh head helps. Yeah. Which they love. Stick around for a pint. No, that's it. They haven't just like fly in and out for your spot.

Like, especially if you're new, right? I was on Red Road just before Christmas trying out some new gear and the amount of acts that popped in for their five spot and disappeared.

I didn't take it personally it wasn't like oh you're disrespecting me by not stopping to watch but like whoever's headlining you you've got a learning experience that extends past that five minutes you're on stage your learning experience starts at like how the mc takes the mic out of the stand yes right and it ends with how the fucking mc wraps up the show and everything in between that is something for you to learn. Not just me closing the show, trying out new material, right? Like, in how I go about trying new material, like, there is a bit to be learned from that,

but also what people at your level are doing also. Like, what's, like, just fucking absorb the whole thing. It's like turn up to training early and leave last and fucking, like, I could have fucking marked down on the fucking list how many of them comedians would still be gone in a year's time yeah you could tell because of it actually i mean i did it the other night at top secret i watched uh scott caporo was closing i went i'm gonna stick around and watch this i haven't seen scott in a while love him as a comic i just stood there and watched and it was a proper closing set it was it felt like this is the last act

of the night yeah dark but brilliantly written cheeky great and like it was just it was just fantastic

and I watched it and was like I'm so glad I stayed and watched this as a punter as a fan of comedy even when you've been going a while

it's nice to it's nice to just fucking reinvigorate yourself watching comics that are at the top of their game because you're not just watching a comic if you're yourself watching comics that are at the top of their game, because you're not just watching a comic dial... If you're watching a comedian that's at the top of their game, they're not dialing in a set, right?

Some of them have been gone for 20 years. It doesn't mean they're at the top of their game, right? So they can be dialing in a set, their timing's the same, their wording's the same every fucking day, and then you'll watch somebody that is, again, 20 years, but at the top of their game, and they breathe with the audience.

There's a synergy to it. That timing comes. It's certain, like, when the laughter's just about to die, and that's when they come in with their laugh. They don't pick their timing in advance before the laugh. They choose their timing based on the laugh, and they fucking ride that, and they can keep the plate spinning with it.

And, like, when you watch somebody that's, like, connecting with a crowd like that, it reminds you that, like, that's part of the skill set, not just the words, but the actual breathing with the audience. And I feel like if you're watching that, you're absorbing that as well. Yeah, that's exactly it. And always look at people who are like... If I'm completely honest, and I really admit this,

I struggled a few years ago when I was insecure with myself and my own stand-up and where I am in the industry that i would be very resentful of other people that's why to bring it back to this other person who like did an episode about it just made up that i was a racist made up uh and uh but she was made up, you were. But I kind of understand, like, fuck, if I'd been going as long as them and was still doing tens, I wouldn't be happy either. And that sounds like a slam.

I was there. I get that. They're a good comic. They shouldn't be doing that. But then I i also understand like there's a level and i see people do it now i've worked on online for the last few years the reason i started working online was mainly because last year i turned up to my leicester show three people turned up i couldn't do the show yeah and i got on the train and sean walsh was on it and i was

just in like i was just pissed off and he we just had this chat and he was like he was like you're not going to be on tv he's like that's he's like even he was like, you're not going to be on TV. He's like, even if you are, you can't do what you do on TV. So you need to do online and learn how to do that. And now that I started doing that and it's had like bits of success and I'm getting people coming to shows and, you know, getting in with Top Secret,

allowing me a place to have good stage time has made all of the difference. So I'm a little bit less resentful and then i sort of look at that other time in my life and go oh i was just a bit of young prick you've took you've took ownership you took personal responsibility you stopped trying to fucking blame outside influences and even if you did spend a little time in that pocket blaming outside influences you identified that like that was stuff you couldn't control and what can i control and it's an easy thing to fall in because if you can put your excuses on other people it keeps you free of blame yeah so you can just be like well

it's not my fault and and also also with online i have put out absolute trash that's another thing where the nepotism falls down yet i never did that you know what i to say, before I found the joke, was that your dad's not like on modern socials. He does a bit of Twitter. Yeah, he's been on Twitter. He's not, unless I haven't seen him, he's not doing TikTok and Instagram and being prolific on them things. You're carving your own path with that. That isn't something that you've learned or inherited from your dad

and you haven't taken his following into that. You've started that from scratch and grown it yourself. Yeah, and I enjoy, I found a thing that worked with me and it took a while online. I think there's a thing that you find, it's kind of like when you start going to the gym and you start doing exercise and you don't really have a clue what you're doing.

And you suddenly find one that you like and you just over six months get better at it and go, oh, I now get to do that thing again. But then you'll be a year in and someone will come watch you doing the bench press and go, oh, you need to put your shoulders back and your feet in more and actually arch your back. And you go, oh, I was doing it wrong for this year.

I thought I was doing it correct. You're never too late in your career to get good advice as well. And sometimes you can, do you watch yourself a lot? Yeah, I hate it, but yes. So bad. And like, yeah, because you pick up on your tics. It's the only way you can, do you watch yourself a lot? Yeah, I hate it, but yes. So bad. I like, yeah, because you pick up on your tics. It's the only way you can see your tics is if you watch yourself.

Like I had one show that I watched back and I kept saying, let me tell you. Let me tell you I was pre-fixing Army Jokes, but let me tell you. I didn't know I was doing that. I maybe heard myself say it once or twice, but I didn't know I was doing it all the time. And then now every time if I go, let me tell you, before doing a story or a bit or whatever, I'll catch, but I didn't know I was doing it all the time. And then now, every time if I go, let me tell you

before doing a story or a bit or whatever, like, I'll catch myself and I'll stop it. So you can, you can always fucking improve. Have you,

have you had that with podcasting where you ever listen back to an early podcast? And you know, have you ever listened to that podcast and gone, that person's an annoying prick

and you listen back to a podcast you're on and you go, oh my God, I'm the annoying prick. You know what's the worst thing when you watch yourself on a podcast when you laugh at a bit of your own stuff because you thought it was gonna be funny and like it doesn't really pop in the room you're the only one laughing and you can see the laugh like loses confidence and fade

and watching that back's like oh god that was recorded that is 90 of me on BTEC philosophers. That is 90% of what I do. But also, the thing I'll say about me, I don't fake laugh. I'm having a good time. I'm enjoying myself. Laughter comes from, you know, the enjoyment of something. It's sometimes if the laugh is nervous

because you're not confident in the bit that you said. You fucking said it. You're nervous, laughed, whatever, move on. Yeah, it's such an odd thing that like, looking back, but but yeah stand up because i've been trying to work on act outs and things like that now the right a lot but i go i'm maybe not as good a performer as i thought i was when i've watched back and i've gone oh i'm yeah i'm not i'm not quite good at performing a bit so i've been trying to work on that and it's

it's fucking excruciating an important string to your bow as a startup because i've been trying to work on that and it's it's fucking excruciating an important string to your bow as a stand-up because i do like the tiniest of act outs i never stay in a bit for too long like i'll never i'll never stay in an act out for ages like this is one bit where like um my dad at work on a telephone call to the hospital or whatever right and i'll stay that's probably the longest i'll stay in of a bit and that's like 40 seconds or something as i'm having this conversation i don't tend to put act outs in that much, but then I'll watch Daniel and he'll be in act outs forever.

Like he'll be in act outs for fucking ages because that's like his skill. Like he's playing to his abilities. Yeah, he's, I was going to say with Daniel, I wonder what like, I wonder where he is in his career, what he looks at as the next step

because it's interesting talking to him at the moment. How are you at that level? And then I thought this with Bill Burr's last special, where Bill Burr's last special was amazing. I was like, I wish the general public knew how hard it is to be at his level and still put out a good special. That's really difficult to not go backwards.

There's comics you hear about, to not go backwards there's comics you hear about or you go and you see comics that were huge live and you go oh fuck you're a bit off the mark

you've not been in the clubs you've not you've not hit that you've been playing the old one crowd for too long so they're getting a bit unctuous

and they're caned and they're laughing because it's you rather than because it's funny and then you can you can slip that way can't you yeah or you've

or you've been in a film where you've been writing a script and then suddenly these tour dates got put in, you had three months, you put a tour together, you get out there. Yeah, you're financially driven rather than creatively. Yeah, I think Danny's managed to avoid all that. Like his new show at the minute,

like he's fucking smashing it there again and it's got to be a worry that when you're at that level of like how do I stay in the fucking red line for this long like how do I make sure the next one does and what we've done with this one is we're fucking writing it for a while yeah yeah I've point that towards the shell and hey he's a because he's got the kid now and he doesn't want to be on to her for long periods away so anytime would do go away for long periods the kids got to come and if he's if the kids not coming he wants to be coming back we've spread the two are out over like fucking two and a half

maybe even three years so he gets to just sit in that pocket for a little while longer before before the pressure comes on to do it again but that also comes with the luxury of having a weird audience that are going to wait that long to see you yeah but i think i think that's the thing when you're at that level is you don't force. I think this with things like Edinburgh, it's insane that you're asking comics who have gone seven or eight years to do an hour and then the next year come back with an hour that's as good. That's an insane premise. I pulled out the fringe this year, I told you that. Yeah, yeah.

What's your reasoning? So I'm best man three times. Right. So every time I sit down to write, I'm writing speeches. Yeah. I've got like a wonderful half... Oh, the Hannah Gadsby motto of comedy.

I've got about half an hour of fucking roasting me mates to fucking be before I can write a single joke. That would be like really super specific to people's lives that I just couldn't take onto the stage or the fringe. I was getting pressured for a title. It's lives that I just couldn't take onto the stage at the Fringe. I was getting pressured for a title.

It's January and I'm getting like, if you want to be on early sale where you'll get like a bunch of press before everybody else is even in the running for it, you want to get it on sale now. And I'm thinking of like show titles and I'm thinking of what my post-it can be, but I haven't wrote any of the jokes yet.

Now, my two best shows I'd say, one is Punch Drunk, which is available on my website it's a great show you can go and watch it it's available for free on my website you can go and watch it that was about

the comedians boxing the fundraising that was done for K and the 100 Heroes the building the comedy club with my brother Punch Drunk it's the name of the comedy club

it revolves around boxing the finale of the show and I named the show and I had the fucking blurb and everything right and then that show was a package right if I had just like went ahead and titled that show that's you or something generic right then that would have been shit like it wouldn't have worked it would have just felt wrong and then Mischief right is the one I've done where I talk about me upbringing

in the 80s and the 90s which is a show I'm touring at the minute you can come and see it's on tour that one I fucking knew it was going to be about growing up as a little scally on a council estate so I fucking

graffiti in a brick wall with a show title and fucking call it Mischief right perfect some shows I've done I've done one show

that I call it Shameless and I was dry humping a fucking disco ball on my poster and it was about the bull run can we get that picture off I called it shameless and I was dry humping a fucking disco ball on my poster and it was about the bull run. Can we get that picture up? I can't be shameless. It'll come up on there.

Mate, it's fucking, right, so basically when I took this photo, I did a photo shoot. What was that? It'll come up on that. I just turned professional,

right? I'm doing a photo shoot and I'm in the studio and I'm getting some photos in, just regular ones that you'd get for headshots and shit and then,

because of what happened. Suddenly they're like, can we have a RuPaul drag race one? No, it was, there's a disco ball in the corner and Marty Lynn, who was taking the photographs,

went, because these are getting sent to Molly and I'll let's do a joke one where you're fucking humping this disco ball when now we're done, right? I didn't take the photo as part of a photo shoot. Oh, that's very funny.

There it is. Right? I didn't take that photo as part of like this is what I want for my show poster it's a good photo and I just took that as like a fucking

easter egg for like it would be funny for my agent to be flicking through flicking through flicking through and then just spit a drink

right and that was just like red herring and she fucking pushed and pushed and pushed for us to have that and I called the show

Shameless because I thought that was going to be the show where I'd grown up on the council estate and fucking Shameless was kind of relevant

at the time I'd passed relevant a little bit and I'd done it with the bull run and had fuck all the day with it if that show

was in the right box it would have been a good show I would have been happy to record it and all that. I suppose I could have fucking, I don't know. So I was getting that pressure this year. And based on my past experience,

based on my best shows, which I'd like to compete with, my best shows were half written before I wrote the title and decided to start selling tickets. This one, I haven't got fucking shit. I've got a little bit that I tried out over Christmas. And I was feeling the pressure I was like I'm going to get on all of these stag do's and be at all of these weddings before

August and the whole time I'm going to be going you've got to write a fringe show you've got to write a fringe show and I'm not going to enjoy these social occasions that I've committed myself to so I was just saying fuck it I'm just going to I'm just going to pull it and figure it out yeah I've got a bit of that like I've been

working hard well the show I'll be on Wednesday I'll be at Leicester February 23rd Vault Festival

March 9th I'll be at the Pleasance and the tickets are selling well and stuff and I've been working hard on it getting it ready

but I've also got that thing because I'm on the Stag Deuce and I've got another season of unite to help right with barry and then i've also got altitude i've got these things where i go all right that's fun and all but you can't when you've got to work you've got to work now get yourself ahead get yourself ahead of schedule i'm ahead already that's that was my initial plan was trying to be ahead of schedule when i realized i had to submit some shit i was like i'm be ahead of schedule when I realised I had to submit some shit I was like

I'm not ahead of schedule this isn't going to work but if you were to do it I managed to do it in 2018 I had my stag do and then the wedding Eva side of the

fringe and all I was thinking was like by the time you're getting your stag do have something you can preview already because I come back

the day I landed from my own stag do I was updating a preview yeah I remember and fucking i had i had the material and i thought but it was just the head game of it was fucked because i was on a comedown from heaps of drugs so i'm just fucking lying there backstage like what am i doing um drew on that experience i didn't want to be doing that again yeah i don't want to be coming back off a stag do jumping up on a preview yeah i i want to get to the point sort of by like june i know what a show and then it's just looking at the details and also reworking bits sort of like in jujitsu sometimes you'll be shown i could show you a basic armbar right in the laugh yeah

man imagine imagine my show was just me doing different techniques and but then i'll train with someone like owen who we've had on the podcast who's like Imagine if my show was just me doing different techniques. But then I'll train with someone like Owen, who we've had on the podcast, who's basically the best in Europe, one of the best in the world. He'll show you an armbar. It's not like, oh, and you get to S-mount and you just lie back.

This is a very detailed, and I think, all right, look at it in comparison of that someone who's one of the best in the world at what they do. Do you want to be one of the best in the world at what they do you want to be one of the best world at what you do find different entries find different ways to improve those little bits so maybe it is an act out maybe it is oh i always say this at the end but they might actually oh you know when you've got a bit and it just kind of gets a laugh and you go no sit down there for an hour and try think of a fucking punchline it's the nuances as well Like, sometimes you can focus on what the punchline's going to be, what's going to pop,

and then you'll just put in a turn of phrase on the way to the punchline, and that gets you such a big laugh that the punchline's just an amplifier by the end of it. Yeah. And the punchline didn't necessarily have to be the fucking big finish line that you were expecting it to be, but, like, you managed to make it pop on the way, and it's just finding them nuances,

which I guess the guy doing the armbars telling you, don't grab here, grab here. Yeah. Like fucking, they're going to do this next or something like this. I'm struggling to draw parallels. Is that right?

Them nuances, they're the bits that you've got to focus on. I'm just going in thinking set a punchline. That's the formula, set a punchline. Just going, now there's actually more to that if you look closely

to the coding of the joke. There's way more than just fucking set up punchline. Yeah, because you see where you are in stand-up at the moment. What's the thing that you reckon you're learning the most? Because you learn so much so early on. I found it very overwhelming. I think an important thing that a lot of comics overlook is connecting with the crowd.

So a lot of people will work on their five, work on their five, but if you're not emceeing much, then they struggle to find their voice and how to connect with the crowd i think that's an important skill and that's something that i'm really trying to get better at by doing when you've got a wealth of material when you've written a couple of shows you can read a room and you can tailor a set to fit that room perfectly with still being true to yourself you just know they're probably not going to like the one way i're mopping up spunk off the floor with a sock so you do the thing when you're stuck in traffic

where you're dark but it's still your learned experiences and your stories but you'll know exactly which ones to serve which is going to hit the hole

yeah so that stuff you notice about reading the room and working with the crowd that comes a lot easier with doing fringe shows to develop your material

so you've got en masse and exactly what you said about emceeing so that you can connect with them and talk to them. I did that last night I was in this gig. It was at a PTA fundraiser.

The wonderful Kev McCarthy booked me for it. I turned up and I was like, Kev, why the fuck have you booked me for this? He's like, I could have fucking liked you, mate.

You'll be alright. And I go, Kev McCarthy, he was there when the Tunnel Club back he's been he's seen all of it

he's seen everything in comedy I think I gave a few names back and he used to do The Glees he still does but I think

he was emceeing The Glees yeah he's just one of the wonderful people in comedy one of those people who wants you to do well and I went on

and I I did I think like 17 minutes of crowd work of just talking about the gig being me talking about how shit it was but making them laugh but in a way guy like this is ridiculous what are you doing like but like being in on it and making them laugh because i mentioned at one point because i saw a girl with me and darcy gone for dinner before the gig we saw a girl k-hole in the high street and i mentioned it and it got nothing and i was like do not do you cannot do your drug material you cannot do any like that's not gonna work here so i went to go into material about just croydon and the people you know in

general and it got this cheer and i was like this woman oh you're from croydon and she went uh yeah fault and heath all right fuck off i'm from faultulton Heath. She was like, oh, Hife Road. Now, Hife Road, you know that walk from mine to the train station? And you walk down my road and then turn down, you go down a little alleyway. You tell everybody where you live. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're getting dodged. Yeah, I'm not giving my address. If you go down, Hife Road is...

I'm just giving them exact directions on the landmark. And then if you go down there, yeah, anyway, she basically lives on the back of my road. and then if you go down there yeah anyway she basically lives on the back of my road but then she was like

oh I'm married well and I was like oh I detected a bit of an accent but I didn't want to do where you're really from but she then went oh I'm Polish

and right is that what marrying well from Poland is moving to Fort Neve that's what I said I was there going I went would you make to Fortneve? That's what I said. I was there going, would you make a Fortneve?

She was like, I loved it. I went, we need to help Poland. I was like, whatever's going on in Poland, they need it. They're coming to Fortneve thinking it's great. It's class when you stumble on them. There was a lad that fucking, I was a punch drunk. It's hard for me, I'm saying punch drunk, because I mostly know everybody in the audience.

You're not like, oh like what do you do what's your name and I'll let you like you're Steve you're a plumber I know that already I've met you I went to school

with a cunt it's like hard I got to chat to this lad right and he was unemployed he's like how long have you been unemployed

three years like how come you got made redundant he was like where do you work it was like BT I was like during the fucking

when everybody needed Zoom and everyone needed internet connections the fucking places going fucking haywire people running runs there's too much workload because everyone's fucking needing internet like fast connections in the hoos everybody needed Zoom and everyone needed internet connections to fucking place this guy and fucking hair wire. People run and run, there's too much workload

because everyone's fucking needing internet, like fast connections and they're just calling into the office and going, we just need less staff. I just don't know for ages,

but when something just fucking lands for you like that, because you don't know what you're getting into now when you get into the crowd. You never know what you're going to fucking...

Yeah, and I'm not as good as crowd work as someone like you and I'm... I wouldn't say you're gonna fucking yeah and I'm not as good as crowd work as someone like you and I'm I can see that I can see I'm high up in that no you

when I was coming up there was people I used to watch it was Stephen Grant Mark Alva do you know what Nightingale and Jason Cook

but I put them in a different category Danny McLaughlin Danny McLaughlin but I put Nightingale yeah yeah these guys in a Nightingale

I really like that they do this. It's good. But they're going to try and make it difficult for you going on. A little bit like, they're going to. They're going to try,

they necessarily, but it's up to you to step up, but like, it's up to you to step up. If the comp airs the fucking, the man, right, or the woman, probably the man.

No, but you know what I'm saying. Right, they, they are the Like the crowd Don't want to see them go The crowd are excited To have them back That's

That's your problem To deal with That's not a That you haven't Didn't take it personally Didn't be like Oh what did you do that for No I agree

Step the fuck up Step up And if you're different As well as them That's on you I had that Nightingale was Lee's high five one time

Was absolutely roofing it And I think I was like 20 years old I just I wasn't a closing comedian yet but I was closing and Jen Brister

had been on first as well and I went on and I did well because it was a young crowd but I remember getting that midnight bus back from Lee's ordered that 8 hour coach

to London and the whole time I was like man Nightingale was really good isn't he I was like man Nightingale is really good isn't he I was like he's really good

they're going to tear them they're not they're fucking class Laura Lex Laura Lex Sally Ann Hayward as well yeah they get pigeonholed

a little bit and it's like yeah Buchan start becoming that like I started I got that a little bit with the Glee where I was like

I much prefer doing spots I much prefer doing spots I much prefer doing my written set and fucking and wheeling that out but I had a couple of good fucking

gigs MCing at the Glee and now I'm pigeonholed in the fucking Arnie Booker's to MC and like if that's what they want to do then fucking perfect

but if that's not what you want to do it can sometimes be a little bit like you're boxed off How do you feel now about that's interesting what you want to do. It can sometimes be a little bit like, yeah, yeah, you're boxed off. How do you feel now about, that's interesting what you were just saying earlier,

Lucas, because about respecting the audience, because I think that's the one thing that we don't do enough in comedy, especially now in a social media era, that I don't do, I don't put up crowd work clips anymore because I don't want to, I'm not a crowd work person. I'll chat to the crowd if need be.

Like last night, there's this, I just want to say there was this thing in my gym that I hear a lot of the Polish fighters say to each other called korwa. They always go korwa. So when she went,

I'm from Poland, I was like, oh, korwa. And she just looked so offended. I was like, yeah, what does it mean? And she was like, it means bitch.

So I'd been in the gym hearing like the Polish say to each other, korwa, korwa. You little bitch. Yeah, you bitch. And like they've said it to me and I'm like, oh, this means, oh, let's duel. And like, it's like the version of, you know, cup and cup and like Muay Thai or something.

Or Us in Jiu Jitsu. I thought it was a Polish version of that. They're cunting me off. And I've gone on stage and gone to this Polish lady, bitch. You thought you were saying good luck yeah but in in Eastern Europe calling like someone bitch is

is huge it's such a huge disrespect thing so she was so I then just died laughing on stage like I swear

I didn't know that's what it meant but because you the five or six times you've done it to people since you've got no excuse for that but there's but there's

but there's this thing now where I see like comics they'll be doing a 10 spot at the Glee they could get a 20 could lead to a lot of paid work and I see them bring out

their stand to put their phone in to try create some chaos you know that created chaos and I'm not talking about like

Vittorio is like, his is, his are great. I love his clips. But I think people see that work for him. And they then try to emulate it. That happened quite a bit. Cause I,

all the time, man. And you see people be like, what'd you do? I work in recruiting. Whoa, what the fuck? We got someone who you're recruiting for ISIS.

No, it's like a, just an account, it's a software company. Like they're trying to create something that's not there. They're trying to just say, fucking it works for Paul Smith,

it's going to work for me, but they're doing it on their spot, not like Resident MC and their fucking home gig. No, and not as good as Paul Smith. No, the key factor,

all of that. Yeah, because I see, like I would say if a comedian's setting up their phone, but like, so, I guess if you're now, all of that yeah because I see there like I would see the comedians setting up their phone but like so

I guess if now that they're putting it online if they've got their phone in portrait you know they're watching their cell back if they've got a landscape

oh well I used to put it portrait but then if you learn how to edit you can change it to portrait in the editing I guess like you could do

and by the way I used to do that crowd work shit that we were just talking about i was guilty of that for about six months as well like i wasn't it's fucking up one of my favorite jokes to do the fact that everyone puts clips online because i used to when people were recording that set just to watch it back i would always get porn on my phone and just just like you know the bit that was it like i wouldn't fuck up the bit that they're working on i, that's just like a little bit like a transitional. I don't know.

I'm like, I'll just fucking. Oh, that's a, that's a war crime now. Put a dude with no, that would fuck up the clip. The clip's over. So like,

I'm always hesitant to do it. They were still doing it. I've had, I, yeah, I don't, I quite like the idea of with clips. I sort of go,

play at your strength. You're, you're good at writing. You're good at, you've got something to say. Go do that. I'm not good at, whereas I think you're

myself just being so likeable on stage that when you chat to someone and you're genuinely interested in what they do generally interested

in what they've got to say absolute difference between me and Daniel I mean I couldn't give a fuck what you think unless it's the opposite

of what unless we're having a conversation I tried to MC one night going look I can't do small talk. Would you not make it a Taliban taking over?

And then that just failed because of the club I did it at wasn't the place to do it. You're trying to ask deeper conversations to people who are just going to be rabbit in the headlights if you ask them anything. Some people struggle when you ask them their name.

In fact, it's a hack bit again. The questions will get harder. So if you ask them a hard question, they're going to be absolutely fucking like shocked by the situation. You've had a bit that's come. So if you ask them a hard question, they're going to be absolutely fucking, like, shocked by the situation. You've had a bit that's come, so, like, there's, like, tropes, and I've used them as MC before. You know, I've probably said something like that when I'm MC.

You go up there, you find yourself doing it. You know, famous one is someone's talking quite loudly. Where do you learn to whisper? Under a helicopter. Yeah, yeah, the stock. You've had a bit that I've seen. That would have been someone's talking quite loudly where'd you learn a whisper under a helicopter yeah the stock you've had a bit that i've seen like because that would have been someone's joke once you where'd you learn to whisper on the helicopter yeah they all had an inception that was that's a fantastic line when the first person who said that yeah that's brilliant you wouldn't go into a brothel and have a wank yeah i don't come to your jobs and knock cocks out your mouth yeah that sort of fucking lane you like somebody come up with it once and then it becomes stark.

Yeah, you've had one. I've seen you have like the line and then watched other people. Is it the one Tom Horton did at my gig? It was the one where somebody started clapping but the audience didn't. I was like, oh, look at that. You're trying to start a round of applause but didn't quite have the leadership skills. Yeah. And then that gets a round of applause and didn't quite have the leadership skills yeah and then that gets sometimes gets a round of applause

and you go see you can do it and you like it brings them in and then you can move on from there it's like a you're not wheeling that out at every gig but it's there if you need it like utility bit but like i soon accepted that like that's not mine anymore really so i've heard people in australia were doing it oh really, really? I heard Australian comics were using that. And you sort of go, what a cool thing to have done, but also at the same time, you wish you had the credit. It must be like someone who makes a meme. I think enough people know for us to not feel like

I'm being fucking Billy Bullshitter. Right, yeah. If I go, I'll roll that one. Yeah, it's not like I was in the same class as the Cray Twins. Yeah, enough people have. Right, yeah. If I go, I'll roll that one. Yeah, it's not like I was in the same class as the Cray Twins. Yeah, yeah. Enough people have seen it, yeah. So, Mick Ferry

told us it was going to go. He'd seen his data a couple of times. He was like, you're all going to lose that, you know. Really? He predicted that

it was going to happen. And then there's a couple of acts up in Scotland like Liam Whiffnill done it and then apologised to his afterwards because someone told him it was me and then Tom

did it at my gig and everyone took the piss out of him for data. And then it catches on and a few told him it was me and then Tom did it at me gig and everyone took the piss out of him for dating and then it catches on and a few people outside of me circle at dating

but it's like it's one of those things where you're in a situation something happens and you're on stage you're trying to do your best

and you know the exact fucking thing to say to make the situation pop and they used it and it was like you know what

I'm not losing out I'm not my career didn't slip because I lost that but don't you wish every time someone used it that they had to give you like a quid

it would be nice to get royalties if you got into the stock market if you got into that was a good quote I thought wasn't it mate

that's just really bad if you could get if you could rate something for the stock that would end up in the world you'd probably see a lot more people rating stock yeah people would write for them situations are we good for time lucas oh can we oh wicked yeah yeah yeah because of that i always think about those things

in standard you know it's a bit standard heavy podcast it's been fun to chat about with another usually it's just me and mike and having to talk about something the police have got up there this week it's good as well if you've got a regular podcast host. You've mostly said everything that you've got to say to each other. It's amazing that after we've been dancing since 2016

twice a week mostly with a few sabbaticals. It's fucking remarkable that we're still coming up with shit at this point. We're like, we've all got to run dry. But I guess that's what

with touring, shit's happening on a daily basis mostly. Mike can come in on Monday and tell us all about what a lovely day he's had with his touring, shit's happening on a daily basis mostly. Yeah, Mike can come in on Monday and tell us all about what a lovely day he's had with his mum, I guess.

Yeah, it's, it's, it's funny doing podcasts where you do it with your best mate and you go like, oh, this is going to be,

just hanging out with my mate all the time and then all that admin and everything comes in and you're like, I fucking hate this cunt. Me and Danny can get like three days on tour

without speaking to each other once in just the airport with my headphones on and all that, like fucking backstage just watching my own shit on my iPad and then we'll go and record

and just start blabbering away to each other like we're catching up for the first time in three days. Do you find that on tour? Because I'd find this when I'd go away for a few days

with Jamali or something. We'd need an enemy. We'd need someone to do something like a ticket inspector to be a bit rude on Jamali or something. We'd need an enemy. We'd need someone to do something like a ticket inspect to be a bit rude on a train or someone at a coffee shop being an arsehole

and then we'd take our headphones off and be like, what the fuck was that about? Jamali's the funniest person to travel with. I've done a surfing festival in Lagos in Portugal,

not Africa. Is that a lagos? Lagos, Lagos. Right, not Africa. Is that a... Lagos, Lagos. In Portugal and there was just this lad, it was me, Jamali and Mayahog and this lad who was on the holiday, on the festival on his own, trying to like just be part of us.

And he kept like, what we're doing next and all that and we're like oh we're going to just head back to the villa and just get sorted, maybe just have a nap and all that but we'll maybe see you at the bar later on and all that. He walks away and he goes to the bar and then get sorted, maybe just have a nap and all that, but we'll maybe see if we're at the bar later on and all that. He walks away and he goes to the bar. And then Jemima's just like, what's all this wee shit?

Pluralized that shit. He's the funniest kind of man when someone winds him up. It was when I went by a hog boat, we'd have someone on the street as well, he had this block, he was like, oh, we're not here for very long,

we're going to go for 40 euros, and he got the block, and he bit it and spat it in his hand and gave it to my hog with the money, and then Jamal was just like, you're just going to smoke that gypsy teeth weed? I guess you're smoking gypsy teeth weed. I guess you're smoking gypsy tea

I love those things that is the best part is travelling around with your mates when you end up in places like when we were in New York and you're doing stand up

there's the reason to be there is your career and you're just I remember just having drinks with you and Natalie at the top of

the One World Trade Centre. And then we just left to do shows. And it's this bizarre experience where you've just gone partway around the world with someone to go be an arsehole. Yeah, just a joke. Pass us by. People watch out loud. It's such an incredible, it's such a cool thing.

And those moments, I'm saying this, we were talking about this earlier, I have this with, the really cool moments do outweigh the bad moments, but fuck me, the bad moments are bad. When you're doing that bus from Leeds

after Dan Nightingale has just shown you really how to do comedy. Some of the bad bits is like, I bombed on a Christmas gig in Nottingham right and I've got to drive home and I got in to get a meal deal in the fucking Tesco

that's open right and I fucking got in and I'm selecting my sandwich and I felt like a loser I was like oh it's that fucking guy who bombed a gig and I need a sandwich

you're going to choose which sandwich you like you want the ham one or the tuna one and you're just there trying to pick a sandwich feeling worthless as fuck

and then're just like I might as well not eat it's them low moments that fucking suck but you know what I say fucking leave the hoosie and don't lose your wallet yeah exactly

you're fucking do you remember the last time you lost your wallet when I fucking left it on a flight in my whole bag of valuables in Phoenix oh I didn't know

you'd done that I meant fucking edible and fucking just went I don't need didn't know you'd done that I meant fucking edible and fucking just went I don't need my belongings I'm just free now I meant when we both did MDMA

and played Knock Down Ginger in Nottingham we were playing fucking walking back it would mean get cigarettes

from the garage which 24 hour garage was like 45 minute walk away pilgrimage it was a 20 minute walk and then I took us back in completely the wrong direction and I was like I know what away pilgrimage it was a 20 minute walk and then I took us back in completely the wrong direction

I was like I know what I'll get we're back fast and just started knocking on doors but then your wallet fell out on the person's door so they

made about 150 quid and also had your name and address on the bag at MD what a nice person in the middle of the night to open the door oh what's this

drugshed money yes woo thank you Kai Humphries I remember one time I was at Best of All and we'd been out

the night before like we'd partied and the next day I was talking to a couple of boys from the Noisette store and they're quite you know team lads they're lovely people

but it's not their thing I don't want to go back and play a board game if you want they're just fucking great yeah they're just on a different frequency at that time

when you're late yeah and we were walking back and I was telling them like what we'd been up to the night before I was like yeah no it's great you know you're 20 years old

you and Kai and then he went no wait Kai's 32 I've got no excuse I've got no excuse I don't lie about my age but I'm starting to look like one of those guys

that lies about his age fucking hope of Femi Martins over here have you ever thought about having a stage age nah nah nah nah I try and grow up

as gracefully as I can yeah that's how I am at 40 i think question that like if i start like live the way i'm living and start approaching 50 and i don't have kids like like is that just a loser or is it a winner no i don't know i think i think you got those things like in society where there are the pressures to have kids they're the pressures to do this there's the pressures to do that. But I would say in your case, as much as you have every story

about going out and partying and that, I also know you as the guy who, you know, is going to the gym, leaves the gig, doesn't have a drink, goes home, gets his macros in. Handle me shit. I fucking, like, Lass has just opened a new business

and I fucking helped her set that up and everything. Like, I've got fucking shit going on, but, like, some people that don't know as deeply will just get that window into me world after a gig or at a festival where they just see this pure sesh head. But I keep my soul in shape. My fucking finances are in check.

I see my wife's business up and running. My marriage is healthy. I've got all my ducks in a row. I've got a party like a good'un. But you also have that, last night you did the Palladium. You're doing that again tonight and you're still up to come in here

at 10am you know there'd have been any number of people would have been able to go well I just did the Palladium so now I'm going to go out

and get on all the fucking coke and stuff and do all of that shit that'd be dynamical on this podcast and also we're both putting this out aren't we

we'll be let do by our co-hosts we're more successful co-hosts I wouldn't say mine's more successful co-hosts. I wouldn't say mine's more successful. The B-list philosopher. I wouldn't say Mike's more successful. He's got another three years of the industry putting him on.

He exudes success more than you do. Oh, God, yeah. If I watch his too, I'm like, I look at him and go, well, there's a successful co-host. Do you know what it is with Mike? It's like,

he always, whenever I'm with, like say, we had to go do Leeds Fest and the whole time, he's got his agent calling, like, hey, you're right,

I'll do this. And he's like, ah, what's the fee? I don't really know if it, creatively, it's hitting the marks for what I want to do and the money's good,

but I shouldn't really just be doing things for the money. And then I'm there and I ring my agent and it just, it just goes to answer phone yeah mate keep putting the clips out it didn't ring out to answer no no no it cut sharp that was a red button that I got I got a text who's this how did you get this number oh Mark's lad oh

Kyle Humphries man thank you for we'd have been dying to come on your podcast we'll get you back on when Michael's here as well we'll get you and Daniel to come on and talk shit

or whatever and we do plan on for people who are watching my podcast we do a thick cast where we get Elliot on and we'll ask him loads of questions

that are moderately difficult so that he can just pretend he knows the answer it's not the fact he doesn't know the answer it's how much bullshit he's wrong to tell to make it look like we'll get Elliot on and we'll ask him loads of questions that are moderately difficult so that he can just pretend he knows the answer it's not the fact he doesn't know the answer it's how much bullshit

he's going to tell to make it look like he does know the answer which makes it fun and he's going to set up a podcast like a reverse thick cast where he feels the questions

to I've got some plan you pitch the questions and we feel them yeah I realised I'd been saying that wrong for so many years

if you feel the question you're the one receiving it. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I guess that's incredible. Look at that. Oh, no, because I got... Natalie, tell it as I do.

I do know you're saying fielding wrong. I do trust her. This guy... He barely... It doesn't look shit. It's because he grabbed his phone. I thought he was looking it up. I wasn't asking him to look it up. I thought he was looking it up I wasn't asking him to look it up

I thought he was looking it up that's why I asked half the time while we're recording he's in a whatsapp group shit half the time

if you say that someone feels a question you mean that they answer it or deal with it there we are yeah so so me and Daniel are going to

field the questions from you that will make us but how devastated would you be if we just give you really nice articulate responses

it would ruin the podcast six minute podcast of just trivia we're going to set that up at some point yeah definitely that feels like a thing where naturally

it might be done during the fringe or something or next time you guys are down yeah even though I'm not doing the fringe

I live in Glasgow are you still going to pop over and do gigs fuck yeah yeah man you could do that I'm not doing the fringe, I live in Glasgow. Are you still going to pop over and do gigs? Fuck yeah. Yeah, man. You could do that. I'm thinking of doing a partial run as a

split show with Gareth and Colin. Yeah, great. That's a great idea. And even if you do it midweek, you then can still leave your weekends to go and

do the fucking fun. Dude, there's so many gigs you can do. That would be my advice for newer comics at the moment as well coming through. Don't do the fringe. Go up to the fringe. don't do the full run yet and pick up gigs like yeah

the fringe is an expensive hobby yeah like um can't have even if it's not the full month can can pop in like i i've done it so i started 2008 2009 i was brought there for the um the competitions so i had to do my competition heats there and while I was there I jumped on a bunch of like free-fringed stuff like jocks and jordies

there's always something that'll like have you on go and like experience it and then just go away from that with a thirst to come back and live there for a month like just give yourself

like a little fucking taste of it and then work on your show for the year after yeah I reckon so you'll be on tour yes I'm gonna be doing Glasgow on March the 19th and then work on your show for the year after yeah I reckon so Cai Humphries you'll be on tour

yes I'm going to be doing Glasgow on March the 19th and then the rest of them I want to get back from Australia if there's anyone in Australia I'm going to be doing

solo shows there look at my website CaiHumphries.com in May I'm going to be doing the Soho Theatre and London I'm going to be doing

Hot Water and Liverpool the Frog and Bucket in Manchester so there's the Black Sheep in Leicester there's a handful of gigs in May that you can come to and i've also got a show online if you want to watch it now and you'll be and you've got yeah you've got a special one your website as well

which is really cool way to do it um sign up to the patreon for just £3.50 a month get an extra bonus episode a week even if you're just a casual listener at the moment we're giving you loads of bonus episodes whether it be my mates dropping in or arguments I'm having with lesser comics. There's that laugh I was talking about earlier. There's that laugh. Lucas enjoyed it. But I'm burning, I'm manipulating Lucas as well.

I have to burn a lot of bridges for Lucas at the minute, just by him being on this podcast. The beautiful nature of this new fucking way the industry's going is across pollination if you watch Sluss and Humphries

on the road now you watch Beat X Philosophers so catch on them for now and vice versa let's just fucking share our friends yeah absolutely

I've been Elliot Steele I've been Kai Humphries thank you very much you