Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.19: Cake Whitey

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

After fasting 36 hours to a eat cake Daniel falls mortally ill after his sons first birthday party, bit of paraphrasing but that's what I'm picking up. Cullen joins as field medic to aid recovery and tells some stories that, as always, sound made up from the names and places.

Hello regular listeners, viewers and patreons as well if you've given us money congratulations on getting this episode early also sorry that it's still a bit late it's still coming up on monday so you know we met your demands but later on in the day because i mean we get into it i was ill i had a very serious illness uh that takes down all the mightiest of men. And as a walking Adonis, I am not immune to the illnesses of mortal men, especially the stronger ones. So we get to that.

We also talk, I mean, we say some horrible, it's me and Colin again. And I just, you know, don't get me wrong, I think we've got a great rapport with each other. I think we bounce off each other very, very well. And I think it's, you know, because we live together and we're both donors and stuff. But we are horrible people and we just like saying awful things.

And it's very different when there's a camera on you, a microphone's recording, and you're like, oh, it's fine when you're playing FIFA and you're saying awful shit like this just to make each other laugh and just for the reaction. But actually, you know what, I guess it's art. I guess that's the point of podcasting.

That part of me always feels guilty of being like, you know, am I saying these jokes are acceptable? No, I'm not. But I'm allowed to do them because I'm professional. But anyway, it's a good episode, there's heaps of lols in it, don't let this fucking Mandarin suggest that we're not. Chalk a block, hecka jokes. Enjoy the episode and if you're not on Patreon, be one. You've got heaps of money.

Wait, what recession? What are you talking about? You're mad. You've got heaps of money. Don't look at your bank. Subscribe. Don't look at your bank. Subscribe. Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha!

They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Ah, muggles. Accidental rip job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental red job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

You've never, you've, sorry. That's what you, that's, just clap us into the podcast. Not for the audio. Just so Daniel feels like he's doing well. You've never heard the hackest fucking joke of the last I'm going to say 10 Super Bowls on Twitter because it used to be hashtag

and people were like what's this superb owl that everyone's talking about I have never heard that that's like not hearing about may the 4th be with you and you'd be like, what the fuck? Oh my God. Did George Lucas do that intentionally?

How have I not? I spent all day on the NFL. On Twitter talking about the NFL. Like there's no way you weren't watching the NFL. Man, 10 years ago was the first time I heard that fucking joke. And it became, it was one of those jokes that became hack within like 90 seconds.

Okay, right. Like it was just, everyone made the same joke at the same fucking time. And then it was done. There was a couple of big ones of that. Oh, fuck. May the 4th be with you is one. There was one that's in the fucking tip of my thing. I'll come back to it.

You didn't watch it because you were sick weren't you I was recovering I know we're great We'll have to jump back maybe But I've got to get this out of my system We've done a lot of podcasts I don't know what we can talk about And then you've

Drapped quite the bombshell on us Let's start from the beginning We live together I I, since November, have been exercising more. And then in like December, I was exercising more. And then in January, we did, air quotes, sober Januaries together. You did sober January. Yeah. And I went, you know, I... Mostly sober January. Yeah. Yeah. I did, you know, I... A mostly sober January. Yeah, yeah. I did, you know, I did... It was there in spirit. It was a tribute.

It was a tribute to sober January. Was it as good as the real Beatles? No. But did I sing most of their number one, slightly in key? Yes. The Scarabs? Go on.

That's such a weird one to go for The cockroaches, the ladybirds The scarabs The next thing in my head from Beetle is scarab Big fan of Egyptian folklore I know scarabs are real Please don't come at me

So even though, by diet for the pie we live together We cook meals for each other As a trio But we've not been doing it For the past Four weeks

Because I've just been eating The same thing For every single fucking meal It's a nice meal I will say it But it is I think I could do it

Yeah I'm along your thing Of like I don't have I can probably Eat the same thing Here's a question for you. If there was a pill that I could give you

that literally replaced me, shortest version of the Matrix ever, the red pill or the blue, om, om. He's like, I don't know what happens, man. Yeah, Jesus. You got any more of those pills?

I'll take everything. I'll take suicide and the eggies. I am bored with life. If there was a pill that replaced meals, would you, how often would you actually eat solid food? Okay. Okay.

I would eat a fair amount of pills, I reckon there. I wouldn't, I would definitely eat meals out of enjoyment. Of course. But in fairness, when I think about it, sure, how lazy I walk around like, oh, fucking, yeah, that would deal a lot of shit.

I would probably do it. I'm going to go to the shops, buy some fucking chicken, buy some noodles, come back, cut that all up, fry it all up, and in 45 minutes I'll have a delicious meal. Or, hum, num, num, num, who gives a fucking shit? Now, this conversation right now, there are people listening to this, Jean is an example, that's the most alien thing they've heard in the entire world.

Like, Jean goes to the gym so that she could just eat whatever the fuck she wants. She loves food. She loves all food. She'll try everything. She likes healthy food. She likes fatty food. She likes sweet food. She's like, give me all the food.

Life is about enjoyment. And I think, if I could all the food life is about enjoyment and I think if I could Jean's life is better Jean opens up a menu and that menu is all the possible things that she could eat yeah

me and Cara open a menu and we're like alright time to where's Wally where's the one meal on this that I'm gonna fucking enjoy I know there's people out there like that eating the same three meals for me Here's the one meal on this that I'm going to fucking enjoy.

I know there's people out there like that. Eating the same three meals for me, I can do that quite easily. I've never understood people that are like, you're like, should we get some pizza? And they're like, I had pizza for lunch. And you're like, what the fuck? I mean, I've definitely said that before, but I don't have any reason for it. I feel like it was a bit in tuned into me.

Like, oh, I had pasta yesterday. Better switch it up. Just eat the pasta. Just eat it. And also, you can't This ancient Fucking piece of shit People that don't

Swim After they've eaten Grow up Grow up I can't prove I can't prove That that's an urban myth I eat before I go on the peloton

I'm like god I don't want to be on that thing Hungry And they're like This is all wrong Just using like an iPhone Holder as a big bag All rolled up

So my three meals For the past Five weeks now Yeah Have consisted of For breakfast I will This is very boring

For some people I didn't know I don't really know Your breakfast one too well Because I'm never there It's a smoothie Yeah Which is

100 grams of egg yolks I've seen them In the fridge already Yeah 50 grams of oats macadamia oil, blueberries protein powder ah fuck I'm missing

something key here water obviously oh and 200 grams of protein yogurt that I'll blend it up along with there's just some fucking ground up fucking vegetables that I have in water.

That sounds terrible. Oh, it's, you know, it's thick. Oh, no, that's not what I'm talking about. And put an egg yolk in there, it makes, there's a consistency. Oh, it gloops. It's a gloopy. Gloop de jour. Gloopy, but there's, I've enjoyed it.

I enjoy it. Hey, I enjoy it I can't hey I enjoy gloop to shoot there's but it's also gloopy and it's mixed with like the oats and stuff

and man I get so fucking angry you blend this motherfucker I can be blending for three minutes there's still gonna be a lump in there yeah yeah there's just gonna be

a lone fucking lump and you're like that's the grossest thing in the entire yeah when you hear it coming out

just fucking hitting your tonsils oh god it's a thick Fucking lump. And you're like, that's the grossest thing in the entire podcast. Yeah. When you hear it coming out. Just fucking hitting your tonsils. Oh, God. It's a thick. If it hits your tonsils too, it means you had no, you had your my pop-up. This is literally protein shake I'm having right here. And this is a cup of tea. Aye. With a coaster attached.

That's just the way the mug's designed. So, and I'm doing this, like people's designed so and I'm doing this like people have asked me why I'm doing this and at this point I can only say because I've come 70% of the way that stopping at this point

would be like stopping annoying you it would be the stopping at the 20th mile in the marathon just go right right okay I

I'm happy with the level of fucking fitness I'm happy with my fucking Body Like I've been talking about I want to be shredded It's been ages Since I've been shredded

And it's fucking class When you're shredded But it's absolutely Not worth what it takes To get there My energy is so low Any healthy person You've seen on these

Front of these fucking magazines With their ripped abs and stuff They're knackered They're exhausted They haven't had carbs They haven't had carbs to get their abs and their body to that level of muscle tone

they have not had carbs in like three fucking weeks they've not had salt in like six fucking days they've barely had any water they are like they look hench as fuck

they couldn't bench shit because they're just exhausted like you get into this sort of shape and it's purely purely fucking aesthetics but I'm a shallow man who

is recovering still from the lockdown slump and I need something to give me a little bit of confidence and that is I'm going

I'm just gonna just gonna go back to a good body I'm miserable it's I miss you know the food's good

oh yeah so that's my breakfast then for lunch it's just chicken and rice and then for dinner it was steak chicken and rice and then for dinner it was steak and sweet potatoes I guess you changed that up

it's still steak still steak that's the one you saw that you were having the the fake carby rice the carb free rice

I tried some of it the green beans oh no I did that and the sweet potato rice yeah that was terrible yeah but I got good at that too because that's it's did anyone listen to this please do not we get accused rightfully of being a Oh no, did I? You gave me a bit. And the sweet potato rice. Yeah, that was terrible. Yeah, but I got to do that too. It's,

did anyone listen to this? Please do not, we get accused rightfully of being a lifestyle podcast. No. Because me and Kyle just kind of said we go through,

I'm going through a health kick. He's reading a bunch of self-help books and we're just, you know what? We're both in good places in our life. So it's one of those times

when it's not us being dark and miserable and whatever it's, so people have picked up on it please don't live this life don't do what I'm doing so the point of all this

I couldn't do the the reason this podcast is late sorry to our fucking Patreons is because at 5.30 yesterday morning

I woke up just with the feeling of I'm gonna vomit right just my body was just like hey man I don't want you to do this while you're on your back

I don't want you to do this while you're asleep just to let you know 15 minute warning you're about to spew so I'm like okay so I go through a spare room and I get the duvet

and I go through and I just lie on the ground in our bathroom because you know when you're sick kind of this everyone does this but bathroom floors

are always cold and when you're sick and you're about to spew you just need the cool floor to just give you some respite and I'm there But bathroom floors are always cold. And when you're sick and you're about to spew, you just need the cool floor to just give you some respite. And I'm there. And then I start fucking hurling like nothing else, man. Like this is, I'm like, oh, it's stomach bug.

Like I get rid of all my sick. Cara's there rubbing my back. Like I am. It's a Mexican wave of my body from my fucking toes to my head. I'm like... Oh, you put your hips into the puke? Oh, man. Took a fucking run-up.

Like a Balotelli penalty run-up. Cara's there witnessing it all. It gets to the point where there's nothing in my body. And this is... I'm like, is this a stomach bug? Because you know when you're doing that retching where there's nothing in my body and this is I'm like it's a stomach bug because you know

when you're doing that retching there's nothing inside of you yeah yeah I'm just doing that I'm like oh god add a bit of water

pass out for like two hours wake up again have another wee retch for a bit get some water down about an hour after that that water goes back up

managed to get some fucking diarra light the electrolytes down me then didn't spew for the rest of the fucking day and I'm'm like, nah, it's food poisoning. Wasn't sharing myself. The diarolite, you asked for it and I checked it, but I need to give you an out of date

one. That would have been so funny. Oh. Absolutely. Can I get some diarolite? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bleach is the same. It's about cleaning out your insides, I believe. It's a blue box. Why do I have an erection

are you still throwing up yeah but onto my cock onto my erect penis and it's it's flinging it back up

how many how many men out there do you reckon have put a Malteser on the end of their erect penis and tried flicking it into their mouth? Because it's not zero. It definitely isn't zero. I don't think anything is zero involved in the cock.

Nothing's zero. Nothing's not been tapped into. I reckon there's a bunch of things that haven't been done to the vagina, but there's nothing that hasn't been done with a dick. I reckon it'd probably be easier with a vagina, wouldn't it? Well, I'd be facing the wrong way. You'd have a very long neck.

Yeah, yeah. Because they got the ping-pong thing going. Giraffes are the only species that can be their own gynaecologist. Oh, God. As we're looking back there, not good. Not good Not good At all It's unfortunate

They don't have arms When I think about it They have arms They don't have fucking arms They have four legs Yeah but if they had arms You know They'd get a lad done

So I Was like Vomiting out your arse I was just vomiting heaps And then recovered And I was like That's 100% food poisoning.

Kind of kept making the suggestion that maybe what it was was the fact that I... Do you need people to pay close attention to this? I've eaten the same meal essentially for five weeks. I've not had any fucking sugar,

really, in my body. And at my son's first birthday party, I ate three slices of cake, two slices of Malteser slice, I think a couple of little, just you know, because I asked my personal trainer, I was like it was my son's birthday, can I have a slice of cake and he was like yeah you could have a slice of cake. Oh that's so sad, you messaged him, can I have a slice of cake, you asked your person? No I asked him in person because he would say no over text.

Can I have a slice of cake for my son's birthday? Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck that. Oh, yeah, here's the thing. He was like, you could absolutely have a slice of your son's birthday cake as long as you fast for 36 hours. That's such... But I've been fasting for 16 hours every day for the past week anyway.

Dan, you look like shit for all this. It's about getting your body To a point where When you get down to This is very boring When you get down to a certain percent Body fat You have to trick your body Into thinking that it's starving

So that it's taking all the energy out of that As opposed to what's going into it Or some other science That I have listened to For my PT It's similar to the science in alone When we always used to talk about Remember when they were like

Well let's burn out the fat then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fat's going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fat's the most important thing. Like, that's why fish are not that great, but obviously fucking elk are. And what was the thing the big cunt killed?

A muskox. Muskox. That was a fucking goat. Anyway, I took him saying yes to one slice of cake to be like, you can lose your... You have your scuba gear? Man, despite this massive fucking health kick food-wise,

anyone that's been listening knows I have not been laying off the weight. In fact, because of my constant struggle with my addiction, the reason I'm being... Like, when I'm fasting, I like being baked because I get the munchies, right?

And I'm able to not eat. And that's a level of control over food. Yeah, yeah, that's good. That I don't have over marijuana. Yeah,

yeah. I'm like, that's a victory, that makes me stronger in a way. it's just a way. That is a bizarre, it's a way to justify. It's good though.

It's kind of good. It's kind of good. you are manipulating yourself in many ways. 100%. It's a way to justify. It's good, though. It's kind of good. It's kind of good. You are manipulating yourself in many ways. 100%. It's the addict in my head winning the battle. But you know what? Who gives a shit? You're doing coke to lose weight.

Yeah, yeah, essentially. So I was like, man, I can fucking fast for 36 hours. And what better way to fast for 36 hours than to vomit during it? Because as a 32-year-old man, you had too much treats at your son's first birthday party. I had a cake whitey. You whitey'd on fucking cake. You had fucking Malteser slices. You came down at 5 p.m. and only your dressing gown like...

And I was like, Jesus Christ, he was on a bad one, wasn't he? God, sorry how you had a bad fucking bug there. It must have been those marks and spits as chicken wings, I tell you. That establishment isn't what it used to be. I know they were in date and freshly opened, but marks and spits, I'll never return there.

Carol's looking around at everyone you guys all feel absolutely fine with all the same food yeah here's the thing right because in the

morning when I'm spewing I am giving it all that because I'm the one with the best immune system in the house I'm not stretching

that like when Cara and Caelan get taken down by the same fucking bug I'm the one walking around

yeah yeah like being like yeah I've got sniffles but you know I'm fine Cara's in bed it's fine you get fucking taken down

I am the fuck my immune system's class so that I'm like I'm like if this stomach bug's doing this to me can you imagine that's why I'm like

it must be the chicken it must be the chicken because nobody else is eating cold chicken that I'm eating so I'm like it must be the chicken it must be the chicken because nobody else is eating cold chicken that I'm eating so I'm like it's got to be that

yeah it was the bald bakers I have made myself so fucking boring that a tiny tiny well to be fair

several massive bits of joy that I allowed into my life made me fucking overdose Vegas is going to kill me. I won't even have to touch cocaine. Yeah. Yeah. Just a little mince at the reception of the hotel.

He said he wasn't going to do cocaine, but he clearly did some cocaine and there was some fentanyl in it. He had waffles on day one. He came in his own pants and then spewed to death. And the doctor said too many fluids came out of too many holes because he was also crying with happiness. So, sorry, sorry. Tell you what, we'll tell the papers it was coke because what a lame story that is. I'll have to ring your ma. What happened?

I was like, fuck it. He got in at the mini bar cola. Put him in a recovery position. All cariola there's a system in 12 hours Jesus Christ We caught him masturbating With a nerd rope around his neck It wasn't strangling him

He was just chewing through So come on Oh, that's so grim So you, yeah You're like a child Yeah Oh, I thought Even grim. So you, yeah, you're like a child. Yeah. Oh, I talk like a child. Even when I was a child, I never did that.

My son, my son has never, never had a fucking better cake in his life. He's one years old, but we're like, it's his birthday. We got him this fucking cake. Absolute man. And the size we gave him was, if there were, people should have taken our son away from us. Man, it was not cool you over kicked him oh we over kicked

that baby that was a grown man slice that we gave to that baby baby unacceptable amount and we all just

sat there being like there's no way he's going to eat all like we've given him a comically large slice because there's no way he I had no idea

that Cara had cheated on me with the fat kid from Matilda. Because clearly that's the DNA that Galen has in him. Do you remember the time he got in at the little pot of chocolate? Oh, yeah, all right. That was amazing. Well, one of the times when, you know,

when Cara's away and you and I co-parent for a bit and we, and what we've learned is, like, two of, me and you do not equal one Cara. No, no. No, we get, like, me and you do not equal one carat. No, no. We get to 90% of the way there. It's like you both need to be there to be half of what I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's just on the ball all the time. Very good. Man, I'm trying. Man, I'm giving 100% all the time. Please don't think I'm half ours in this. It's just she's at such a high standard, and I'm a big useless carat. There's just one point. I think we're playing FIFA right and all the things

that you can fall down are closed and this was back when we used to enclose them in a thing and we've got an item he's always in a vision right

there's things he can fall off but he can only fall off things onto soft things and I think falling off things built his character and Kara's not there to yell at us so we're both fine

about him fucking daundering around and being happy and then I just hear you say is he meant to be eating chocolate because you walked into the kitchen what happened was you were like just watch him for a second oh yeah you just walked upstairs but you were only gone you're only grabbing something like basically from the steps so you were it was I would say the window here was about 10 seconds 12 seconds where I was I watched him he was about 10 seconds, 12 seconds, where I was watching him.

He was just sitting there, nothing, nothing around him, just sitting on the floor. Just a happy baby. And then I kind of like, and then I stared at him for four more of those seconds. So there was a six-second window. He absolutely went fucking buck wild. And then I was sitting there going like, yeah, is he meant to be?

Yeah. Is he meant to be? We ate chocolate. I'm like, well, we don't give him chocolate because he's a baby. Absolutely not. Cara had had some sort of like fucking. It was like in a jar. Yeah.

Chocolate in a jar sort of thing. Left it down, rolled under a fucking table and he got his full fucking hand in there. Like fucking Winnie the Pooh with honey. Oh, it was comical. He had it all over his face.

Like, like a Disney film. I was like, is he supposed to, how did that? So Cara said, I was watching him he supposed to how did that so Garrett said watching him eat birthday cake for the first time

being like god he loves cake and me and you were like yeah it's the first time he's ever had it he's got the taste for cake now so he had that full bit of cake

did not spew whereas I was absolutely taken out of the game for I reckon you'd spew though if you had baby food

So it's okay, it's even Not his baby food His baby food's all fucking class Oh god, he's such a healthy baby Genuinely, his baby food's good I haven't had it, but it looks good It looks better than the food that I buy myself The thing called Mama Made is essentially like

What's that? Hello Fresh, but for babies Hello Fresh for babies The thing called Mama Made Is essentially like What's that Hello fresh But for Babies Hello fresh for babies Hello fresh for babies It's just like Really healthy shit

That you would never ever cook For a fucking baby yourself Because you know Where the fuck do you get Amaraft from And what even is it Oh it's plum couscous Tonight for

Where the fuck Nonsense Oh it's spinach and kale Pesto pasta What the fuck do you think Me and Captain Yeah yeah It's like stuff like that

it's just freezer stuff the kid eats fucking healthy but Jesus like yeah he horsed through the cake oh god he horsed to the point where we're like

he's never we're never gonna he's never gonna eat spinach again yeah like that you just don't mm-mm you can't go back no

no I never did that speaking of Vegas because I want to put you in such because you think I'm the one that'll crack I don't think you'll crack. No. I never did that. Speaking of Vegas, because I want to put you in such a, because. You think I'm the one that will crack? I don't think you'll crack.

I am, I'm very bad at it. I think you will, look. I can only, I'm looking at this, and all I can see here is Kai looking at me. Not the other one. Kai has slipped up so many times. Kai is, and I had to say to him the other day, I'm like, you have to understand,

when you're trying to organise a fucking secret whether it's a surprise birthday party or a fucking staggered end or whatever it's got to be like you've got to have the same level

of expectations as shipping cargo across seas right people always pirates and everyone back in the old days whenever you were

shipping something across sea just because it goes through so many hands because so many things happen if you lose 25% of the cargo by the time it gets it's a because so many things happen if you lose 25% of the cargo

by the time it gets it's a fair amount you're always going to lose 25% of cargo people are going to nick boxes on when they put it onto the boat

people are going to nick some bits when they're on the boat just take some not huge bits unnoticeable amounts but they all add up people bribe certain

guards or whatever to get through faster you lose roughly 25-30% of your fucking cargo you're going to lose 25-30% of the secrets on a secret fucking thing. It's gonna be let slip.

Gareth let slip about some of the people going. Kai let slip how many guests are going. Kai also definitely let slip something the other day. And I saw him look at me to see if I had it. And when so and so was there and then he just looked at me and I went, just look away and pretend you didn't hear anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and I'm not, I'm not trying to ruin the surprises. I feel a lot more comfortable about

the fucking, eh. Fuck I wouldn't. I, you know, I'm expecting, I'm expecting some tomfoolery. Tomfoolery, yeah. Some antics and whatnot, but you know, I'm expecting I'm expecting some tomfoolery Tomfoolery Semantics and what not But you know I'm excited

I got Most of it was full of dread I was also being like this is going to be hell Just curdled at the door Oh no Like a thick guinnessy layer You glooped it That's the gloop of the day today

The gloop of the day today Fuck me Gloop du jour was bad You just translated it And now for my English fans Leave No Yeah it's going to be good fun I can't really say much else can I now

There's loads of funny things Have you been to Vegas before No Do Because you don't Okay here's the question for you else can I know there's loads of funny things have you been in Vegas before no do because you don't okay it's great for you you're not you're not you're not a strippers person I know I got I told you but I ever tell you but I got kicked out of strippers no in Dublin I got I went with my friend that's what I open mic night just go up yourself when's it my fucking are you if you tell me This is my dance bitch

These nipple tassels on for nothing I am kicking over that buffet And your hardest bouncer's getting his head kicked in I was in a place called Lapello in Dublin My friend Antonio Right He's from Romania From the streets of Romania

Oh wow But like I said he doesn't have a wallet This is the type of guy who runs around with a wad of cash with a clip in it, you know? Oh. That type of dude. That's like a really rich thing, innit? No, he's not rich. He just, he's done some dodgy deals I reckon. Right? Okay. So what happened was, it was his birthday and I went out with him and he won 800 euro in, this is what the place is called, don't laugh. I I'm gonna It's called Dr. Quirky's

Funtime Emporium It's on O'Connell Street That's so much funnier You can google Dr. Quirky's It's a Oh no Say it again I'm pretty sure it's

Dr. Quirky's Funtime Emporium And it's a stri It's a Oh no Say it again I'm pretty sure it's Dr. Quirky's Funtime Emporium And it's a stripper's No Oh Right No Sorry it's near the stripper's

It's not the stripper's Dr. Quirky's is like Funtime Emporium It's a Funtime Emporium What more do you want What more information Do you want It's an arcade

It's a trampoline centre It's kind of like It's got like A casino in the back An Irish casino It's not a real one Like got like A casino on the back An Irish casino It's not a real one A level of those Genting

Or whatever Genting casinos Or whatever the fuck You know them I'll need further explanation Just shite casino A shite Just like

Pull down slots Mostly slot machines Some little Autumn Not like real blackjack tables But like you know The fake ones and all that And then there was like

A couple of other parts, a little small part of an arcade and shit like that. Yeah. But he won 800 euro in one of the slot machines. I remember the name of the game. It was called The Book of Raj. And I was like, you're not supposed to win 800 quid in a slot machine kind of thing, like a jackpot game.

So he was like, oh, it's my birthday. And I was like, all right. He goes, we're going to the strippers. I was like, I was really against it, right? I was like, no. I don't want to go in here. And he goes, it's my birthday and i was like all right he goes we're going to the strippers i was like i was really against it right i was like no i don't want to go in here and he goes it's my fucking birthday whatever so i go in in a huff with him great which is the right attitude of going to the strippers yeah so yeah yeah well it really makes them feel good about doing oh man it spilled oh it spilled so what happened happened was they see like two young people and they were, it must've been kind of early.

Sorry, how old are you at this point? I must be 23, 23. He's about the same. So he's having a good time. We walk in and I think it's one of those situations where, cause it is a popular place, but it wasn't that busy. What was the name of the strippers you remember?

LaPellos. Oh, sorry, you did say that. Yeah, LaPellos, right? So when we got in, the guy, they kind of like came to us because we were younger, you know, because everyone else was just old, weird dudes, right? So, Antonio

has got, in his mind, 800 quid to spend here. Like, and I'm like, you can't afford rent, so just cut that immediately in half and don't be stupid, right? But he was like, yeah, a bottle don't be stupid right but he was like yeah bottle of champagne it's my birthday i was like a stripper champagne they're gonna be like it's 200 a bowl and you're like it's not for first of all it's you've spelled it with an s so that's yeah yeah

yeah this this person uh the stripper and it was me me And I did that thing where those old people that were sick and I was like, well, what's your real name? She was like, I'm not telling you my real name. You creepy fuck.

Yeah. Here's my lad line number. Let's break, let's break down the barriers here. I'm here to break the fourth wall. Well, thank you.

The barriers are here because I don't want to chat to you constantly. And I was like, right. So I remember doing that because I remember being cringe now thinking back on it. I remember, so she goes,

it's not the private dance. She's like, for the actual, just on the pole in front of everyone, she was like, you have to go up and request my song. Right? And I was like, all right, cool. And she was like, it's, I'm pretty sure the song was Arctic Monkeys,

Do You Wanna? It's Arctic Monkeys, Do You Wanna? And she was like, I'm pretty sure the song was Arctic Monkeys, Do You Wanna? It's Arctic Monkeys, Do You Wanna? And I was like, And I was like, Yeah, no, I hate that song. And she was like, Well, It's not that.

What am I thinking of that? Anyway, it doesn't matter. Continue your story. She was like, You're going to have to, I was like, I genuinely really hate that song. She was like, Well, if you don't request the song i'm not

dancing i was like well you're not dancing if the end of the story is that you go up and play in gang i'm starting like fucking dance to that what happened was then like i was like you're not dancing and antonio was giving me daggers i could feel him just like you don't fuck this for me don't you fuck this for me you're making the strippers already angry yeah right now it's like right grand job i lighten up a bit after a couple of cheap champagne and he goes he pays for a a dance reach of us and he go we we go down in the same room but you know like there's like a divider it's like a downstairs basically of like a fucking nightclub there is like a divider the way i would describe it like you know like a round circular leather seat that would look like you know you'd imagine like an asian businessman fingering a prostitute on yes thank you that's a painting a

very vivid picture yeah you know exactly what race is the prostitute just for this oh it's probably asian as well okay okay so you've met this racist Oh, it's probably Asian as well. Okay. Okay, so he's not old. You've met this racist. She goes to dance. She's got glasses.

Don't laugh. I mean, you're making... Okay, yeah. She had glasses, right? And I tried to make... I can hear... Antonio's just like a supposed meter away, but there's no divider. And she takes off her glasses,

the star of the dance, and flicks them. And I was like, how many pairs of glasses do you go through? And she just goes, Ryan, shut up. And Antonio,

and Antonio, and Antonio beside her was just like, Ryan, shut the fuck up. And then I got, she put her, shut up. Can you just, shut up. And then I got, she put her, shut up. Can you just shut up?

And then I got, like in Peep Show, there's an episode of Peep Show where he gets an angry lap dance. Then I just got like an angry lap dance. And then like when we went upstairs, he was just like, get out. And I was like, well, I deserved that. So that was my. There was a good TikTok look poll that I went down, not look poll rabbit hole, I went down.

But somebody that I follow on Instagram went down and they just started posting loads and loads of videos of, there was this trend on TikTok where it was just strippers counting their money at the end of the day. Oh, right. Oh, and man, the money some of these girls are making. Oh, bank over bank over bank. And, you know, they're all doing fucking law degrees and business degrees and, you know, that's how they're paying their fucking way through it. My, you know, the reason I don't like strippers

is there's nothing to, man, if you want to do that, do that fucking great. Yeah, I'm the same. I personally, I just get awkward. I don't enjoy it. There's nothing in it for me. It's not me looking down on the profession. Man, fucking, I think mines is the lowest of all professions.

I don't look down on any other job, except, like, reviewers and poets. Yeah, yeah, the police. Well, no, I think... I've had a lot of positive experiences with Scottish police officers. Actually, you know, I sort of have, but, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, so, right, so you're fine, we're not going to the strippers in Vegas, Police officers But they did Actually no Sort of aye But aye Yeah Oh yeah

So right So you're fine We're not going to Strippers in Vegas At least you're not Do you have any Have you ever Fired a gun before

Yes Yeah Yes Sorry yeah My dad has a shotgun I've banged that Once or twice What were you shooting

Just a couple of Protestants Not to kill just their kneecaps just in the air I remember I think the recoil sent me onto the fucking arse

I was a kid I'll fucking bet it I bet that's why your dad gave you the gun I bet he was bored living in some sort of Irish hovel no TV

nothing to do he just starts shooting shit he was just like here skinny malnourished boy, hold this 12 gauge and stand three feet away from that wall and fire. Oh God, I wish I had a camcorder.

Jesus Christ, this is going to be like the Looney Tunes. The gun's going to stay where it is and his body's going to go 90 feet that fucking way. Here's an interesting thing I learned the other day. to go off at you for my own point right if let's say we find uh in an alternative fucking uh universe right we are what's my name uh it's still right no shit still right that's not one of the things that's changed uh but basically it's just it's genuinely there's no curvatures to the earth this is flat earth and it's flat for fucking it's just it's genuinely there's no curvature to the earth it's flat earth and it's flat

for fucking ages right but what's the alternative sorry to be fair I also think this is true also on our planet

it doesn't matter but if you've got a super straight bit of flat bit of land right super flat you're in Holland yeah

you're in Holland super flat bit of land it's just flat as fuck for ages you're holding a gun I'm holding the bullet. You fire your gun. I drop my bullet at the exact same time.

What hits the ground first? Oh, they hit the exact same time. Aye. I know this. I know it because I spent one day really high going, it's lice. Yeah, there's no... You're chatting garbage.

I'm like, there's no way that's true. You don't think... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course it's true. Oh, yeah, it is true. Of course it's no way that's true you don't think yeah yeah yeah yeah of course it's true oh yeah it is true of course it's true because that's that's what gravity is that's why we're going

around the sun that's why the moon's going around us it's because we are the perfect curvature for that sort of pool to just well I mean it's not a circle

it's elliptical you couldn't just like drop like look just like that's how long it would take me to kill JFK like that doesn't make any sense

it's oh well no it doesn't make any sense. Well, no, it doesn't actually, because his head would have stopped the bullet. God, imagine, imagine. Man, if JFK died by somebody dropping a bullet on his head like that, you know what? Deserve to die. Oh my God. And also, how did they not find the killer?

Old woman of old. Well, look, we know where he dropped the bullet from yeah like above him three feet away how did you not catch him

man had a very soft head I always said it he never grew out of that baby bit his head he's

for some reason JFK never had kneecaps and the soft bit of his head never came in just his body didn't really grow up

fully grown man all the baby things something dropped a bullet into his brain and he went oh I have a theory

and they've no idea who did it I have a theory that it was a bird bird dropped a bullet no no a bird just flew into his head

oh wait I saw a bird flying downwards a tiny bird right and they killed it but they can't back out they Into his head Oh wait I saw a bird Flying downwards A wee tiny bird Right And they Killed it But they can't Back out

They can't go like Oh it was a bird That killed her Proper embarrassing Yeah It would be So And that's why

They shot your man Yeah Died over a wee Hummingbird I wonder how many times That is Would you do that for me If I died in an embarrassing way

Would you Make it look cooler Oh god Yeah yeah Put an orange in your mouth? Imagine that dude like, this guy's been shot, but he's got an orange in his mouth and his trousers are done.

I don't know, I think I fucked it up. I don't know why that's cooler for me. He's got cock written in lipstick on his forehead. I cannot work out this guy. He didn't die of scurvy yeah there's a suicide note

but he seems to have shot himself like through the back of the head oh I can't explain it's a sniper rifle I don't

none of this none of this no let's say like let's say I've you say I've you know I've gone for a bath

or you dive into a cake okay yeah yeah yeah right let's say Cara's taking Kayla to for the weekend

right I'm like Colin while the while the cat's away the mice will play even though it's not Cara that's made me do

any of this and I'm just and I go nuts I get like a doner kebab fucking calzone i get uh calling the caterpillar yeah take it out by calling just fool that don't even don't even cut it up to little bits of alcohol all that just overdose what do you do to my body so that when

Cara comes home I don't look like oh god yeah what do you do to make it look better do you know I'd feel like

I'd have to do I'd have to like drag you up and leave you on like the wee step and like this is going to be bad but you know I'd have to hold your head and just break your neck and leave you on like the wee step and like this is gonna be bad but you know i'd have to hold your head and just break your neck i went down the steps oh it's okay so you

fell and snapped your neck i at the bottom of the stairs i wouldn't i wouldn't be like there's a massive shoe mark on his forehead just dirt i'd try to reset it I thought you I thought you could re-break it I thought he dislocated his neck and what I tried to do was I tried to yank it back in with a pair of Nikes on

yeah god I fucking hate those shoes I'd just put you in an Arsenal jersey I feel like it's like putting it was like putting holy water on his head he just burned up and died but if I tried I'd fuck it so bad like because I'd feel like It's like putting It was like putting holy water on his head He just burned up and died

But if I try I'd fuck it so bad Like Because I'd feel like I'd have to pump your stomach Oh yeah Can you kind of pump a dead man's stomach? Yeah you can

Can you? Yeah Does it come with like Siphon petrol? Yeah Yeah Yeah You've got to blow up my arms

So it doesn't come out of my mouth it's going yeah you've basically got to work out where it is in

my body if I've eaten it within the last four hours you have to blow my arse and then it'll come out of my mouth

but if I ate it over four hours ago you can blow my mouth and then you just but you've got to blow it for ages it's like trying to blow up

you know the long balloons it's like trying to blow up one of them, the long balloons? It's like trying to blow up one of them. When you're doing it, you're like, and your cheeks hurt. Oh, it's so painful. Like a vein comes out and in like four days later, it's still there. And you're like, oh God, is that just, did I make myself Harry Potter?

Or is this an aneurysm? It's like a full body workout. You become one resistant band I don't know what I would do I feel like I'd have to pump your stomach I think if I think if I'm at the bottom of the stairs With a broken neck With a shoe printed it

They're not going to be looking for anything in my stomach. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not going to be like, I think he was poisoned. As this whole play. They're looking at a big massive Nike sign on the side of your head. Or like Adidas. And they're looking at my shoes. Just the tick across my face Like something from a fucking war scar

They're like I think he was poisoned I Yeah Was this guy diabetic? Okay so I don't know if we're firing guns in America Because me and Kai have fired guns in America

Because I think you're allowed to Because guns are Was it a BLM merch? Yeah yeah I just had to sob in court. I just had to fake cry in court and then I got away with it. So that was a performance. Oh, Jesus, yeah.

You're tweeting again about Trump and Trump putting up selfies together yesterday? Yeah. Oh, man, I'm so glad I came off the internet. You're a miss. Oh, no, man. Like, back in fucking... You'd done it at a good time. Oh no, man.

Like back in fucking, like I remember. You did it at a good time. When 2020, I was so fucking obsessed on Twitter of just like anything Trump was doing, building up to the fucking election. Like it really, like I've just been in the fucking,

mid of the fucking pandemic. My mental health was at a low and just all of that was making it worse. And I remember the time when I'm like, eight hours a day on Twitter. I'm like, you're a madman. You're just winding yourself up. You're just winding yourself up. And I'm like, eight hours a day on Twitter, and I'm like, you're a madman. You're just winding yourself up.

You're just winding yourself up. And I was like, right, once this election's over, you're deleting the app and you're never going on it again. And you're not going on Facebook. You're not doing anything. You're allowed to Instagram because there's nothing political on Instagram. Yeah, yeah. It's just chef things and tits

and my mate yeah the odd screamer yeah football oh football I'm like

what is on your algorithm Jesus Christ oh they got me good what else is there to do oh gambling that was because you you bet on

you bet on stupid things you're one of those oh things You're one of those Oh yeah You're one of those gamblers Being like Oh I bet fucking Ederson Comes out with his fucking hair Quiffed to the left

I did I won two bets before In the Superbowl Which was Giselle Giselle Bunkin You know Tom Brady's I'm sorry

Bunkin Giselle's a man's name No The supermodel Like the worst famous Supermodel in the world Tom Brady's wife She's probably? No. Oh. The supermodel. Like the worst famous supermodel in the world. Tom Brady's wife.

She's probably retired now. She must be about 40. And that's far too old to be honest. You fucking... You... Hey! Wow. Jesus, listen to this. I don't make the fucking rules.

Fucking full feminist over here. I don't make the rules. Fucking Jesus. The state of you. I'm sorry, ladies. You can model at whatever age you want. Just not whatever size.'m sorry, ladies. You can model at whatever age you want, just not whatever size. So Giselle, I won two Super Bowls in a row.

Oh, she can still model. Yeah. Yeah, she's like number one for about 10 years, 20 years. So that's Tom Brady's ex-wife. So when he was doing things, I kept putting bets on Giselle to be shown over 1.5 times On the national broadcast Because they zoom in to her in the crowd I want it every year

It's like our Formula 1 bet Oh you, oh Please tell people your Formula 1 bet I don't want it No, no, no, give them what you've done to this podcast Over the past couple of episodes I just, right. And this is going to sound bad.

Because it is. It is bad. But the worst thing is that it comes true. I win a lot of money from it. You do though. It's awful. I bet on the Formula One. The Formula One.

These are the best drivers in the world. So let's not... Let's put this right there. I bet that the Asian drivers crash out. And you look at me in disgust every time it comes through. It's so awful. Every time it comes through, you're like, oh. I have a theory, though, about this.

I'll fucking bet you do, Nobles. And it's not the one that you think. I bet you're like, okay, so, I don't know if you can tell a lot about eyes or how vision works. You fucking, what's the name of the, what's the name of that fucking racist evolution theory that they used to have?

The quick twitch muscle? No, it was just where people thought they could prove, it was all in America, where they thought they could prove that African black people were genetically inferior to white people just because of their skull shape and everything. Oh, fuck, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was an entire quote science on it can you find out what it was called oh I remember that no mine's is that the Asian drivers are better

they're cooler I used to love Takuma Sato he was my favourite driver listen to the fuck he's about to spin this better than they spin out I'll tell you why Takuma Sato was my favourite driver

because Takuma Sato would start at the back if you used the word kamikaze I didn't I swear I never said that You were gonna

I was going to say He was absolutely Pearl Harbour on things No You couldn't help yourself He would go He would start at the back I was like saying

He didn't care about qualifications And that bullshit Like all of us You're like I do He would overtake Like He's the guy

That would always have I've overtaken 12 people But at the end It would catch up He hit a wall At like 200 miles an hour And I'm like Legend

That's why I like Takuma Sato And I believe That you know Sonata is After that After that mantle Don't make yourself dizzy But

Or my actual prejudice I hate every single English driver You hate every single English person Yeah You are a real You're a real old bigot That's the real one It's mad how left wing you are considering how absolutely

One minded and bigoted You are to a whole Nation of people I reckon You're like JK Rowling Is a piece of fucking shit And if any English motherfuckers Are okay what they do

The Queen was a fucking cunt What they fucking say Aye Yeah They are a lot of bastards Yes I could say. Aye. Aye. Yeah. A lot. I mean, they do have a lot. They are a lot of bastards. Yes.

Yeah, yeah. No, there's not so much. No, I feel like I'm right. I don't think they'll mind me saying this, and I'll keep this PG-13, but there's heck of bastards in England. That doesn't mean there's not any in Scotland, but, Moan, be honest with yourself. That doesn't mean there's not any in Scotland But Moan

Be honest with yourself If you want to get Oh yeah so on your gambling thing sorry Yeah Do you do Do you do roulette Do you fucking Do you know how to play

Nah Nah Cause like I know how to play Texas Hold'em And I have played all these things before But I don't It's an easy one to lose Texas Hold'em and I have played all these things before but I don't it's an easy one to lose a load of money on

I bet a lot but I bet tiny things and then I also bet it for the fun of it like 250s on the other cards you could easily go oh here's an actual bet but you need 50 quid and make money but that's completely

because if I lose that I'm like I can't afford to lose that that's where the joy goes out that's how you get free drinks in vegas is you just sit down at like one of the little roulette tables the electronic ones and you stick like 10 bucks in right and you can bet minimum a quarter so you just put like 50 cents on like four so you see it all together and then they want to keep you at the table yeah so they just give you the what you want your gin and tonic and then they come back and give you gin and tonic it all together and then they want to keep you at the table. Yeah. So they just give you the, what do you want? You know, gin and tonic. And then they come back and give you gin and tonic. It's free.

And you tap them because if you tap them, they'll come back and we'll just make them stronger. And then you end up betting like, it'll just make them the way like the way true and waitress stronger. Yeah. Yeah. They eat the money and it just makes them bigger and stronger.

Yeah, yeah. They're like Sonic the Hedgehog. Pop out in Spanish. Yeah, they're... Oh, it's unbelievable. No, it makes... Because, man, they're working for tips.

If you tip them, they're going to be like, well, I'm going to go back there and just get you fucking drunk so that you tip more because you know what's down there. And you can spend like, you know,

20 quid over the course of an hour but get 19 double gin and tonics get 19 double gin and tonics. And American double gin and tonics. None of this fucking British measurements. I've just got to do a little science experiment to get you drunk, sir, from here to here. Calculations must be correct.

Americans are like, how rough was your day? Aye, aye. Fuck it, I don't know what, tell me about it, buddy. You know it's about when they wiggle. Oh, yeah. You get that in Portugal sometimes, Italy. Yeah. I can't believe how looked down on Americans are

at drinking by the end of the world. I think everyone thinks Americans don't have it. Nobody thinks they're the best drinkers. Nobody thinks they drink a lot. I think if you think about nations that are alcoholics you go it's always Scots, Irish Russia

Australians the fucking I guess people don't know the Scandics but the Scandics up there but people know Finland, England's got a drinking culture but when Americans are like, because they start drinking at like 21,

we're like, fucking hell. And we all start at 13. Like, I think we ignore the fact that they don't have, they've got the least restrictions on alcohol. And the only places I've ever been blackout drunk is in America. Yeah. Because they can just,

man, I know people In the States Who can put away Horrific amounts of booze And then drive Because Because they're just like It's LA Nothing matters

But I'm But I'm white It's a big block But I'm white What are you Huh It's a big block No one can go wrong

Yeah Oh Yeah and the roads Are 19 fucking feet wide You can Well speaking of you got your driving set test

when? tomorrow tomorrow morning what time? 9am I'm gonna I'm gonna follow you I'm gonna follow you

around in the Tesla and just like cut you off I'm gonna fucking I swear I know him I know you off I'm gonna fucking I swear I know him I know that guy I'm gonna fucking

break you I'm just yeah yeah because don't get me wrong they'll know what's going on but they'll still you'll still fail

you'll get angry you'll get they'll be like this is the real test I'm like this is not fair this is not fair I'll put it out

on Instagram as well I'll just take a wee fucking video of your vehicle just be like hey if you see this in the roads yeah yeah fuck him up slam on your brakes well cara told me they're just like oh they're gonna make you probably like read a license like a registration i was like i can't do that is it we have glasses i haven't been driving my glasses i can't turn up tomorrow With my driving Like with glasses And I'm like You were blind that whole All those What the fuck I'm like

Oh I'm Put up like this Somebody's gonna shout at me tomorrow Yeah It'd be like Halfway through being Fuck buddies with someone

You start wearing a condom And they're like Hey Oh What's this about me It's called protection Weirdo Okay But wait You know He seems confident What does it say What does it say about me It's called protection Weirdo Okay but we won't

He seems confident I must go He says I think he's lost confidence In me now Oh yeah why Have you fucked up Yeah yeah

He was doing that You know like Today's big one right Was going all so well You know when you get Like a zebra crossing You know what I'm saying A guy walked past

and then i went on to the zebra crossing while he hadn't fully cleared it and everybody was whoa whoa whoa and i was like i can get it but like you know oh after tomorrow i'm going clean through that but that's the thing right but so many rules stop existing the second you pass that test. You're like, I'm not checking my rear view mirror every five seconds. Are you insane? Are you insane? If there's no cars behind me and there's no one in front of me and it's three in the morning, I'm not fucking into game.

I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. It's so, there's so much. doing it It's so There's so much It's so much There's so much effort I can't be like I'm almost home I'm driving with one eye open

Oh god Another letter through the Through the door There Daniel How confident are you? I'm more confident than he is But The reason why it is

It's not a good sign Yeah No I'm So much more I feel like he lost confidence Imagine going into surgery And the doctor's like Let me remind you

That there is a 50% chance That you are not Going to wake up From the anaesthesia And you're like See you in 35 minutes again this surgery is very complex it will take minimum six hours i will have to rotate

shifts with another doctor because my hands will get tired and again any wrong movement from any one of us and you will die 50 chance okay i'll see you in an hour I do well under pressure You will be under There's nothing Nothing to do with you I don't think you understand what's happening here No I reckon Every time I don't do many minors

Thank you That's enough for me I don't do any minor Like mistakes Anytime I do make a mistake it's an instant fail one That's the problem So like he's like He gets frustrated like yeah you're all test ready

But test ready He's like you've been test ready But every week we've done a lesson You've had one massive error that would Like fail and I'm like so it's a gamble I reckon I'll probably smooth it out while I'm on the, you know, nerves and I'll usually do a bit better

you know, he's like, are you nervous? I don't think, I'm not nervous at all it's not nerves, I think it's like yeah, yeah let's fucking, give me an edible just wondering does it ramp over that elephant or what are you talking about?

it's a roundabout Her bailing out the door I presume it's an old woman I have an old woman In my head No I think If you were stoned You would be I think

You would Concentrated Well yeah I think you'd be more paranoid There's probably people That feel like I've lost people To stoned drivers Yeah

No no no That's not I'm not I'm not reducing it I'm just saying But like when you're Like If

If you drunk drive Surely the thing is Man you're not in control Yeah yeah yeah You're actually fucking slower But if you're like that Like it's your old Yeah

But if you're Just fucking paranoid I'm not saying it makes you a better driver But I'm like I'd trust you more than the drunk cunt Obviously Yeah 100%

Those are the only two options Yeah yeah Absolutely No god no I'd take I'd take half a beer I reckon I would be shite Driving even with

The units they say That it's allowed Aye You know AWKD I don't think that I think I could No I'm not

Making jokes about it It's just not It's just not It's just not Do you know I reckon I can't drive As you know Doing this thing

But I reckon I'd be an unbelievable Race driver Man there's no way That's true I reckon I'd be class Just because you're bald Doesn't make you

More streamlined That's I don't need a helmet I'm already bald That's not what it's for It's like Smoothing out your head It's for your eyes Well I'll just close my eyes

What What Too old now For race driving They are all young Aren't they Or is that just a new thing No I think

Why won't fucking Oh god I'm too new to this To have a new thing No I think Why won't fucking Oh god I'm too new to this To have David Coulthard No the fucking Spanish Alonso Alonso just retired didn't he

Yeah He was like 30 I'm going to say 34 Yeah 34 I found out Fernando Alonso Aye Well I'm going 34

What do I win 38 for me Yeah He is 41 Oh The dream is not over Find out the name of the racist Racist skull For science

Just write racist skull theory It's bound to be that I do know what you're talking about Is it kind of similar to that shit in Django Unchained when he's cracking up his skull? I don't think so. That's what it is. It was a believed science for, I think, during slavery.

Phrenology? That's it. Phrenology. Ah. What a weird name for it. It sounds like it's actually true. You can't put an ology on it and then go, it's a fucking...

Man, part of the big fucking lie. You can make anything sound... You can't put an ology and then go, it's just a theory. Yeah, yeah. That's why everyone believes in Scientology. It's theology, man. Fucking old bungee.

Yeah, yeah. I didn't even think of that. They believe in the fucking lie of biology. Get out of here. Yeah, get out of here. Get out of here. What a chance. What, there's blood and brains and thoughts what are you talking about just a big meat puppet little cockroach inside

you don't have arms do they well they have yeah good ones i think i what i think human beings are is if you've seen the episode of rick and Morty where he turns himself into a pickle and then like builds a suit out of cockroaches, because he's able to use their brains. That's me, but in reverse. Yeah. Yeah.

Like the movie Ratatouille, but instead of a rat in my hat, there's a cockroach in my body. That's, that's what I, and that's what I think all people are I've got one to bring up, it probably should be the end I mean it is, don't worry but what do you reckon, you're off the internet

what do you reckon about all the aliens? what? you haven't heard? no, there's been like four UFOs shut down in the last three days it's a fucking Chinese spy well all that shit's going through. The recent theory is Bono has done something because he released a thing.

But, you know, have you not seen this? I don't know where the Chinese spy balloon is. Yeah, that was the first one. But there's been four extra ones and they've been shut down. I'm not saying it's fucking aliens, but it's pretty cool. One of them's a big hexagon.

A big flying hexagon. They don't know where the Propulsions came from So that's why they're freaking out But was there video of this Or is this just a Oh this is on like CNN This isn't a

But is there video of it Or is it all this Colin A lot of this So it's all this There's no In a time of There is

There is videos But I mean A video is not really worth Anything anymore is it Well no That's not true Like if there were like 15 different angles I would be like well that reduces the chance it doesn't mean it's definitely

not a conspiracy but if I'm seeing multiple angles from multiple photos I'm like okay all right all right all right I see I see they shot one down now yesterday. And where have they shot it down and who's recovering it let me see that. There's two recovered in Canada and two in America. down and who's recovering it let me see that there's two recovered in canada and two in america oh but americans i think americans shot them i think i think the american shot it down over canada though one of them oh who gets dibs then oh i bet the americans are there they're in there already are they all right yeah i think we're fucking good this is our kill there's a one u.s government official said he's not There's lots of news saying that UFO sightings But that's what

There's one US government official Said he's not ruling out aliens He said he's not ruling anything out No Because it just falls under the barrier of UFO Because of fucking whatever But plus two of the fighter jets Had conflicting stories on one of them

Because they both went over it and they were like, well, my shit went all fucking weird. My navigation went a little bit weird, like not in some sort of movie way, just it went a wee bit off and it was strange. The other fighter jet was like, I don't see the propulsion. I can't understand where the engine's from or how it's flying. And then they took it down.

But they had conflicting stories on both fighter jets, so they're kind of freaking out. So wait, so two were shot down in Canada I think it's three four have been shot down

but one was supposedly the first one was like a Chinese whatever balloon or something they reckon

I wonder how fucking gutting it'll be if it's just like the Chinese do it's just amazing it's amazing the technology that we've got'll be if it's just like the Chinese do have just amazing amazing technology that we've got no idea about we're just like uh oh

I reckon it could just be there's no way aliens are here to be sound we're not going to be sound now if we blew them out of the sky immediately well no I think you've got to have a certain level of expectation surely if you're sentient enough being to, you know,

get to whatever sort of space travel you need to go between the vast distances that there are between, because we don't even know where the next habit planet is. So to be able to have the technology to find out the other planets like that, have the technology to travel there within a lifetime of your own thing requires some sort of fucking hyperspeed. To get to that level of understanding suggests to me that you've got to a level of cooperation

where, and with foresight, that you're either going out there to be super friendly and be like, hey, we've started this union. Here's the cure for cancer. Or they're like, we've destroyed our planet and we're getting what's ever on this thing. So let's just scout it out. Some of them.

If it's aliens, we're going to have to buy a gas car so that we can stick the old air pipe through the... All right. Yeah, man, if it's aliens, I'm out of here. There's no weather friendly. gas car so that we can stick the old air pipe through the air you're not doing it there's no way they're friendly why do you think they would there's no way they've been watching this whole thing that we've been doing and been like oh they seem cool so you're on the American thing blow it clean out of the sky

if you see it no no well you know what no we should have been like it's probably going to end up Being like Some kid's Christmas present Is the thing Firejet Completely obliterated We should have been cool

We should have just Followed it for ages Wait for it to do The first attack Because you know Maybe we wanted to Fucking parlay or whatever But

Aye Well Yeah Yeah Well Mostly Most of it's just like Can someone tell us something Because we've all seen it And it's all on All Most of it's just like Can someone tell us something

Because we've all seen it And it's all on All the news They're just like This forward very quickly Can you just Tell us what it is Aye

None of this We'll come back to you Aye Have you guys not seen The movie Arrival Like Yeah yeah You've got to

Share your information With each other And us the public And eh Have you seen Independence Day? Will Smith's going to be out in his garden completely oblivious Do you remember that scene? It's one of the funniest scenes in movies You haven't seen Independence Day?

Well I think I've seen Piece of shit How the fuck do you miss that? It's an odd one they miss It's just an odd one they miss It's like when people go I haven't seen Jurassic Park What were you doing? What were you up to?

What else have you... I've seen... Did you do time when you were a kid? I've seen you sit there for seven hours and do fuck all. And then that day you were like, oh, I'll just watch one of those. Yeah, no, fair enough.

You know what? I've probably seen all of it over time at different points. Like I've certainly watched the end of it and the start of it and seen clips of it and whatever. I think I've ever sat down to watch... It's just that there's one scene where the thing is the size of a city.

These ones are like fucking whatever. This one's the size of a city and everybody's freaking out. He walks out of his front door with a newspaper. I'm a real American out in this white picket fence drinking a cup of tea going. And everybody's running around screaming. And then he looks up and goes, And sees possibly The biggest thing on earth Like a And you're like

How oblivious do you have to be You fucking don't Were you only fucking Like He was an army man In one direction I've been trained to notice What the fuck

What It's a funny scene Right We have to watch it I mean we will We will We also need to watch it I mean we will we will we also need to watch

the new last of us apparently episode five stays good oh I loved it I hope it's

more I'll take another yeah well that was good I'll take another

episode yeah I'll take all of it yeah phrasing yeah that was good I like it I was a wreck the whole time Yeah I'll take all of it Yeah Phrasing Yeah That was good

I like it I was a wreck the whole time You were in tears Yeah I wish I had some cake I did cry at the end You did yeah Then again I cry

Yeah you do It's unbelievable What's the worst thing you've cried at? Oh fucking Like the first time Caelan fell asleep in my chest I sobbed Fucking What a dickhead

What a dickhead What a piece of shit you are I think the first time he stood I cried a little bit I've cried at the movie Click at least three times Like probably on each sorry we have this thing I haven't watched Click

because I fucking despised it since I was a kid what's the sad part you've cried at Click the bit where Adam Sandler is lying in the street after having fast forwarded through his entire fucking life and his kids are there and he's missed all of their stuff and he's just

he's missed everything and they're sobbing and his son are there and he's missed all of their stuff and he's just and he's just he's missed everything and they're sobbing and his son's taking after him so as you say that seems quite like interstellars where they stole it I think it's more emotional than the interstellar scene has to I think it's I think Adam Sandler gives a better performance in that

than Matthew McConaughey I would Terminator 2 that's a common one when I was a kid cried at that Did you? Yeah What? When the fucking Fun went down Everybody

Everyone Oh do you know What was a bad one? Yondu Oh god Yondu's a bad one Jesus That made me weep

Yeah That's a good That was a Two bits Two bits of that No it's the It's the Yondu I might not be your father

But I was your daddy Or whatever the fucking line is That bit And then also his funeral Yeah the funeral Oh so good Top tier I cry at Moana

I've never seen it still Oh it's so good Oh just Why yes You got him now What was wrong with you You I know about

Even when she's just like a baby At the start Going into the ocean With that you I think even when she's just like a baby at the start going into the ocean with that scene I think that made me cry

I got one that you cried about time oh god yeah absolutely fuck oh man

that fucking boot juice me oh god yeah that's a big old kick yeah yeah

warrior okay warrior makes me fucking oh Jesus Christ that's a big old kick yeah yeah yeah Warrior okay Jesus Warrior makes me fucking sob Jesus Christ but here's the thing Toy Story 3

nothing that Toy Story 3 I cry every I'm always Toy Story 3 being like well no

I wouldn't I don't think we're still sad I've cried episodes of Schitt's Creek oh Daniel yeah I like just the

one where just the one where his boyfriend sings him a very nice acoustic version of

You're Simply the Best at this rate I think episode six of Last of Us is going to be about you

yeah no man I can't believe you'd kill yourself for aliens this is zombies, aliens, any sort of slightly thing that's not supposed to be you immediately go, I'll be dead within 30 minutes you're not even going to wait to see what happens if I don't get business class

I'm killing myself I'm a spoiled brat. I'm a straight white man. I've never struggled and I never will. And I should be allowed to live that way forever. These aliens are going to come down for 10 minutes. Bye. Right?

You'll kill yourself. They'll get rid of them. We'll never see anything again. And I'm going to have to go in and, you know, break your neck. On the step. Aye. Aye. Two. Man, I don't have any transferable skills.

I only have a career in the life because of the system set up by oppressors before me that I have benefited from. If the world were actually a meritocracy based on talent skill and what you put into then

oh I'd be down to the bottom but it's not that way we'd be fucked oh so fucked we'd all of a sudden become jesters so yeah

the second the second the structure falls the second the house of cards goes down I'm out I am fucking out

mad not a chance if things are fair I'm fucked I just don't understand how you don't get to the point where like say like do you not have like

a desire like secretly like everything they go to absolutely arseways like zombie apocalypse breaks out aliens

I mean like everything's out the window I don't really care then like my life like my future and all your ass thing is gone so I'm like cool

this is like a wee free hit I could take I could take it uprising That makes it sound like I'm going to go on And do some horrific crimes It's a free hit I mean but like

You know I could take an uprising Like if people were to choose To like over for the government And there was a civil war For a bit I would See that out

Because I presume you would See that out You're going to That's even in your head for that I don't want to get bombed

and also I don't want to have to pick rubble up my house doesn't survive I'm going to be the name

of this you are fucking lucky you're in Scotland and pretty much anywhere else in the world have

to deal with rubble in either natural disaster or whatever ways. Just like, tell you what, I was just doing heaps of money to the cause. And then, look, look, I'm doing, I'm helping. I'm helping in a way. I'm not going to unclog, so.

Yeah, I'm a spoiled brat, man. I can't live. Okay. And I'm going to raise my son in an entirely different way. Okay. That's maybe the only reason, the only reason I wouldn't kill myself if aliens came down. Because I'm like, I have to raise my son into a better man than I am.

I'll do your whole family if you need. That's why I'm here. They all broke their necks falling down the stairs. All foot prints. That's not why you're here. You know you're not like the cyanide tooth that we all have just for an emergency moment where you say the trigger word and Colin's like, okay, I'll kill all of you. That's so bad.

That's so bad. That'd be so easily caught too. Size nines? He's wearing them now. I can see. Yeah. Cara's hair is on the sole of his foot. I'm talking about like a bunch too many BBC crime dramas at the moment. There's hair caught in the bottom of his foot. Oh, God. I'm talking about, like, I've watched too many BBC crime dramas at the moment.

There's hair caught in the bottom of the feet, and you're like, Jesus. There's no DNA in hair, though. What? No DNA in hair. It's only on the... The only time you can ever get hair, sorry, DNA from the hair,

is if there's any of the scalp tissue left on the hair, otherwise. Well, why have I done this? LAUGHTER gallop tissue left on the hair otherwise. Well, why have I done this? You shaved your head to commit crime. It's the only place. Yeah, I've shaved my head and I've put superglue on my fingerprints. No one will ever catch me.

I'm Ryan Cullen. No, fuck. And I've been eating pineapple so that my cum is on trees. It just means it tastes better. Are you sure about that? Because I've had a lot of pineapple. Fuck. And I've cum on a lot of banknotes.

I don't know. Oh, right. I've got to go be a present father, I guess. Well, I'll not tell you If there's any fucking alien visions Because you kill yourself immediately Yeah Don't just You know

And if you're aliens And this is like The one bit of art That you watch Like we're not all like this Some of us are better But most of us are worse Some of us

Just If you want a list of places That I I I personally believe You could like overthrow Or bomb Or do whatever you gotta do

I've got some suggestions DM me Let's use that list Can I The aliens They're just They're dead cool And they just rat me out

To the world They're just like So we asked Is it God against Albania? Albania ever done that? I like, it's not a real country. Fuck them. Fuck them. Just so many American fans being like, but you said. I'm like, I bet. I didn't think you'd see it. And I thought they were gonna. China's also there. I got rid of all the superpowers. Okay. Daniel, you've really dug yourself into it

Oh no I think I would You know You give me a choice of five You get rid of all the superpowers Okay I keep them

What? I keep only the superpowers And obliterate the rest Alright boys And now we play Landgraab What a horrible way To end a podcast All right, boys. And now we play Landgraab. What a horrible way to end a podcast. We'll see you next time, but probably not.

Especially if you're Andoran. you