Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.2: Concrete Fields

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

Ryan Cullen's big bald head joins Cream on the podcast to discuss his optional illiteracy. Daniel remembers how he used to use Kai as a weapon. He completely misses his own pun in the intro "Reel Brutal"              

Hello Dads! Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Slauson Humphreys On The Road Patreon episode. Unfortunately, Kai is not with us this week because he is dead. He died in a tragic fishing accident. It's going to be emotional for me to say this, but the cast behind him and the hook caught in his mouth and he threw it forwards and because he's been working his arm strength he just yanked it and fully threw himself uh into the ocean uh we know this because we found the gopro on his head and we watched the video uh and it's real real brutal and we managed to pick him up from the bottom of the ocean because it was only 8 feet, very embarrassing he wasn't even that far out, he was about 20 feet

from the pier but it was dark and he's bong-eyed, so this is an episode in memorandum of him, so of course we've got his replacement, permanent replacement now, Ryan Cullen stepping in to fill his very, very wet

Adidas shoes. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? You don't read much, do you?

That's it. No. No? There's a lot of happiness in that. There's no happiness in that. It's just a general observation. No, I don't. No.

I find it boring. I find it boring. Look, I know that no matter what I say now, I'll come across real stupid. Yeah, but most of our listeners are stupid, so they're probably all sitting there listening to their podcast being like, me no like book either.

Like, I like, I read Henry Rollins travel diaries. His travel diaries I his travel diaries must be good he's lived an interesting life he always usually just like

goes off and like takes out the list of where you're not supposed to go in America you know like the ones by the government

and he does them all in like a year so he just fucks off with a you know a backpack he's one of those cunts that goes like

oh you know what I'm going to jump on a I'm going on a wee trip to Antarctica for four months. You know, he went to Cuba before it was cool. Yeah. Hi. What band was he in?

Black flag. Black flag. And the reason, yeah. And the reason he's famous is because while in the black flag, he used to just beat the shit out of God. Imagine you had that right as a comedian, like just while you're telling jokes,

right? You slam someone in the front row Or like somebody heckles you And you just get to go out there I could never Well maybe I could because my fans are all so weak Yeah you could definitely kick the fuck out of Nearly all your fans Are you joking?

Yeah mostly women Like you know I reckon a fair number of girls can give me a run for my money. I've never thrown a punch in my life. What about, well, wait, so you can now say, yeah, the meek,

the meek little hair, that's all your fans? Yeah. They're all meek? Yeah. They're meek and I'm meep meep. That's a beaker method. No,

I don't think so. And like, if you can't remember. It's because Kai's there, he does it. Oh, man. Before you ever get a chance anyway,

he's already done it. Well, that's that cleared up. I was a fucking nightmare when we were in our 20s. Like, I could talk about it now, but like,

when we were, man, having Kai with me at all times was like having like a hard older brother, but an older brother who's like 10 years older than you are. There were several times when somebody was being a dick to me

somewhere in Scotland while we were on tour afterwards when we'd go out drinking trying to get laid and stuff. There was definitely times people were just a bit of a knob because well, in their defence, I was a Z-list celebrity travelling around thinking he was a fucking shagger. I would have also sneered at me.

But heaps of times I would just, when I would normally be the bigger man, turn the other cheek and just fucking bottle up and push it down, I'd be like, Guy, go on. Yeah, yeah. Or, not necessarily make him go beat the mother, but I would get gobbier just with him.

Times when i would go i'm not going to say anything here because that would be uh what's the words uh escalating the situation normally i'm a de-escalate kind of guy but when fucking scummy batman's right behind you with his fucking chaff belt you're like here we go normally i'm a de-escalate type of guy what the fuck was de-escalation like you know there's you know it's the way if there's a confrontation either happening in front

of you or happening to you you de-escalate instead of adding up emotions it's you know it's why British police officers are better than American police officers because British police officers are trained in de-escalation unless they're in Ireland in which case

lads have all the fun but yeah our police do not it's usually like oh come on lads that is that is what you get you get to go really

out of your way to get arrested you've also got a different name for your fucking opal Garda yeah

the Garda the Garda is that there's more than one Garda Shea Connors it's more than one Garda Sheikana It's all Irish Aye I should know

I presume it just means Gard Yeah Yeah I mean Almost definitely If it doesn't mean that That's fucking insane I actually don't know

What the The direct one Don't even Don't even do the etymology Of Garda It's safe to assume It comes from Gard Guardians

Yeah yeah Can I message My last day going I didn't know the tricolour, the Irish flag was Catholics and peace Protestant That's what green, white, gold was I didn't know that You didn't fucking know this either

So wait hold on, the greens who? The Catholics And why are the Protestants gold? Because they're better than you Not gold, it's orange We always say green, white and gold but it is green, white and orange But you say it's gold Yeah It is orange but anybody who used to That's just and gold, but it is green, white and orange. But you say it's gold. Yeah. It is orange, but anybody who used to

try it, that's just, when I think of it, is that just the way I think of it? Have I been subconsciously refused to acknowledge the Protestants in the country? Not refused, you promoted them to gold. Orange? Orange Donald Trump. What's its boring? Gold? First place in the

Olympics. Catholics, peace, money. And aye, they do love... Yeah, green's good. Green makes sense since both Catholics live in fields. That's true. Everybody lives in fields, technically. That's not true at all.

I mean, this is a field of just... No, I mean, you can... Okay, all right. What are cities then? Well, they're... All right. at all I mean this is a field of just no I mean you can you've got the okay alright what are what are cities then well they're alright alright

you got me a wee bit there a wee concrete fields concrete fields erm no you bought

sorry I have to bring this up now oh I knew this was coming yeah of course you knew it was coming Daniel you're upset you have a problem with shoes I don't have a problem with shoes I have a bring this up now Oh I knew this was coming Yeah of course you do It was coming Daniel You're upset

You have a problem With shoes I don't have a problem With shoes I have a problem with Buying too many Pairs of shoes No I

You've went absolutely Mental In the space of like It started when you Discovered how do you Buy clothes online Oh the ASOS Yeah yeah yeah

When I discovered Online shopping I was like hold on Because my least I hate shopping so much Because I hate being in a shop I hate having to pick stuff out I hate having to fucking queue up to do it

the timing and I hate people being like can I help you no and also do you have any questions I've got heaps of questions but no questions

I'm comfortable asking you but like what would I look nice in I'll just you cannot do that you cannot but that's what the ladies are there for in some of the shops

like they're there to be like You know They're not necessarily Personal stylists But they can be honest And be like I think you'd look good in that I think you'd look good

But I can't ask that question I reckon Yeah End of In Bruges Immediately Principal have to Shoot myself in the head

Deep down I just have to hope That one day Cara signs me up For Queer Eye Oh man Do you know what I have fantasised about

Wouldn't it be great Yeah it would be great I've watched episodes And I, you know what, I have fantasised about what they would do. Wouldn't it be great? Yeah, it would be great. I've watched episodes and I go, you know what, this would be pretty good. It would be such a good thing to happen to you. You'd have to only take that one minute of abuse at the start. They're like, look, you're 32, you loser. And I'm like, I know that's why.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Help me, queers. That was the original name of the show. Help me, queers my hand help me queers that was the original name of the show help me queers help me queers and it was like

a big extreme makeover home edition like when they used to be like bus driver move that brush you had to say

on the catchphrase for the show help me queers did you not oh man extreme makeover home edition was

I loved it because it was just I, I loved it. Because it was just, I think I loved it when I was in my teenage years. This is before the internet was properly around. You were just on YouTube. You had to try and find exciting television shows. And that was like how you saw how crazy Americans were. The first one of those, okay.

Because it was like, it's just such an American show. In the sense that, one, every building could have survived if they just built houses out of stone. Yeah. Like an entire country that regularly just ignores. Yeah, tornadoes, hurricanes, storms, floods. They're like wood. Wood every time. They've never read The Three Little Pigs.

That's not a story over there. So like when house fires, people are fucking idiots. Cars crash into them. They take your entire building down with them. Yeah, if we were burning bricks in a fireplace, I'd be like, we shouldn't build a house out of it. Yeah. That's mad. Like, whereas in the UK, houses are made out of brick. So like if a storm comes, yeah, there'll be damage, but it's still there a flood could come through

and you'd be like the basement's wet like if the building catches fire they can still rebuild they're not rebuilding the building they're just doing the roof

so they've got all these buildings that just fucking get fucked up because none of them know how to build houses two because it's a fucking

fucked up country they're like all the insurance is like technically here you didn't sign this so that means you're not liable in America they have the act of god law which is like technically here. You didn't sign this so that means you're not like in America They have the act of God law which is like your insurance isn't covered if we're like, oh god did it

So what they did. Yeah, that's just but a lawyer could argue about yeah Yeah, but also but God fearing but that you would that's that's part of it. Whatever that that but I'm like, that's what you fucking get Yeah, that's part of it, whatever, but I'm like, that's what you fucking get. Yeah. That's what you absolutely fucking get for not reading your constitution, not reading your history, understanding that your country is not a Christian country.

It should not be a Christian country. The whole point of the, I don't know where in the constitution it is or whether it's the Declaration of Independence, but I don't know. I think it's the constitution. The declaration was the letter to them. Brett's been like,

fucking, this is ours now. But it is like, it's the constitution The declaration was the letter to them Brett's been like Fucking This is ours now But it is like This It's free for all religions And it's not identified by one So the fact that they're like God destroyed your house

Like this is so unfair And I'm like Well stop Stop all believing in God then Aye Like this is Have a real education system Like tax the fucking churches

Otherwise They're going to keep fucking you over And from this point of view Ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah it's got the stage now you've had your like how have you not learned you've had 350 fucking years lads pull your fingers out come on you went to the fucking moon how are you still praying yeah like you checked you you got on a rocket ship and flew through heaven. Literally flew it. You saw nothing. There was no angels. There was no God. You went above.

You saw the entire fucking planet. You confirmed it was a sphere. Not enough. You went to the fucking moon and be like, nobody ever thought we could fucking do it. Dear Lord, our Savior, up in it. It's just, oh, how did that happen? Imagine they were lying And they did find heaven

And that was the proof That they never went to the moon In the first place What do you mean Like they went up to They went up There was heaven There was books all sitting up

In the clouds right And they were like I don't know how we missed this And then You found out That's how That's when you know Like NASA are like

Oh we got You fucking lied You didn't go to the moon Oh They're like Yeah yeah We had to fake it Because we were Like if NASA Were just there for the, you didn't go to the moon. Oh, they're like, yeah, yeah, we had to fake it because we were a good moon.

Like if NASA were just there for the money. Imagine if NASA came to you and goes, oh man, we've never even reached the clouds. That's mental when you think about it. Could leave you out. Yeah, like how do you think we'd get up there? What, fire facing downwards? Listen to yourself.

Yeah, a big childish rocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a really big Firework Hello we're NASA We're the smartest Planes in the country What we'll do Is we'll just put

A lot of men In deep diving suits Into a big firework And send them To the moon These fucking mugs Honestly Give me Studio 67

We'll get a fucking stick So the flag Looks like it's waving In the That's always the one that the people who don't believe in the moon landing they're like how was the flag if there's no

atmosphere how's the flag upright how's that you're like you don't think the smartest minds in the entire world when putting a flag onto the ship were like none of us see any problems here and they put a chain in there so it stayed yeah yeah i presume they would just my instant thing is they have that covered you

know it's like that old i don't know that old fucking email that used to get passed around i think it's like a meme now which is like the americans the american geniuses at nasa spent a million dollars you know building prototyping perfect, designing a biro pen that could write in zero gravity. There was all this, right? Whereas the Russians just used a pencil. And it was always meant to be like, how fucking dumb are these fucking guns? You go, well, no. The reason you can't use a pencil on a rocket ship is because it's graphite.

And if that breaks off and there's just us there, that gets between wires. That's why all Russian spaceships explode. Yeah. Like think of pencils. Yeah. And also that I think like, I think it was NASA that not necessarily accidentally invented the biro,

but I think like they invented it to go up into space and then the rest of the world was like, all right, well we won that night. The standard biro. Maybe not a standard biro, but I think like the ballpoint, world was like alright well we won that now The standard biro Maybe not the standard biro but I think like the ballpoint pen I think maybe Have I pulled that out of my arse?

I don't even know how ballpoint pens work, just a ball rolling around staying. Do you think we went to the moon? Yeah, it's not true I made that up, I pulled it right out of my arse today That does sound like me That would have flown God see this is, it's mad my arse today that does sound like me that would have flown god see this is

it's mad that now that we have the internet disinformation is more powerful yeah too much information because back in the day if I just told you that story you would have then in the course of the next five years

maybe told that story anywhere between two and ten times two and ten thousand yeah it's an interesting fact russia with the pencils um and then that would spread and that's you know that's probably how all the fucking old rumors started aye aye eat carrots so you can see in the dark that was actually i'm actually the opposite I don't believe in I believe if you if you believe in any conspiracy theory

like no matter what even if it's fully actually believable I'll immediately be on the other side going you're an idiot yeah the ballpoint pen

was invented for space it just wasn't funded by NASA do you have your microphone on or are you being an idiot yeah it's got the mic it was invented for space it was just funded by the Fisher Pen Company not by NASA it was invented for space. It was just funded by the Fisher Pen Company, not by NASA.

It was invented for space. There you go. See? So what I did was I kind of remembered the fact, and they made it more interesting. Welcome to all of my stand-up shows. Fisher is a Nazi. Did you know that?

Paul Fisher? Is he? I don't know. I'm pulling that one out. Because he was at that. I was like, hold on. I didn't have somewhere I was going for that. All our pens in Ireland and books, I don't know if'm pulling that one because he was I was like I did have some more I was going for that all our pens

in Ireland and books I don't know if it's an Irish thing we're called Fallon F-A-L-L-O-N just like your copy books or whatever

we're all Fallon he was a Nazi Jimmy Fallon's dad Jimmy Fallon Jimmy Fallon's dad is a fucking full blown Nazi he's not even

half arsonist no real into it he's got a back swastika To match his front one Well that's it Yeah you fucked up shoes I forgot about that

I tried to distract you so I didn't get fucking thrown down You keep buying shoes Is basically what it is You're really obsessed with it And today another one came Another box came and I go Oh there's another pair of shoes And you were like yeah

And I go oh that's It's like a holocaust museum in there I always chat to you You had a pink rim on this one Oh yeah Couldn't help being Extremely homophobic from the off That's my brown mocha

Jordans Look what you're saying My brown mocha Jordans It was written on the thing Nobody calls them brown You don't call them that I don't call them that So no

I went on ASOS And I started buying shoes from there And I was buying like sneakers And then they look good on the website and they come in and I'm like, oh, that looks quite a bit naff

and then occasionally I just have to remind myself I am fucking loaded. This is, I was called, Colin, two shoes for ages

because I had two pairs of shoes, so. You and, you and Cara are part of my most favourite bit but a bit that does not belong in the public

because it doesn't make me come across well my favourite bit to do around the house because I know how much it annoys you and Cara is to just be

anything that's like grossly arrogant with money oh yeah because it's the worst way for someone to be that's what I find the most humor in

but it fucking sets Carol off like something else like she'll be like I just got 5,000 pounds back from my tax or work or whatever and I'm just like oh cool congratulations and is that a lot of money

for people like you how many weeks will that last And I'll never back you on it Because it's so horrible I'm straight out of town What's he fucking said I would tune in halfway through it And you'd be like

Or you throw money For not having a minor And I go You know We won't have this problem If you just ring them And let them know And you're just like

I'll pay someone 10 grand to make the phone call so I don't make that 100 quid back. Yeah. Well, to be fair, if you could offer me 100 grand and in order to get that 100 grand, I have to phone someone and fill out a form. Absolutely keep the fucking money. Do you have a serious problem with just general forms or ringing anyone?

Like, I better ring the bank there just to let them know you're like no i'm not going to do that uh if it's if it's someone else's fuck up and it's somebody else's problem why should i give up my time during the fucking day to phone up the mind be like you fucked me again the other day you've done that you've fucked me no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Cara always laughs Because before I get on the phone call To the bank I'm giving it barely Fucking big balls I'm gonna give this fucking

A piece of my fucking mind Because I'm fucking sick Of them claiming That I've got this happening None of this is fucking true Hi sorry to bother you Yeah my name is Daniel Sloss There just seems to be

A minor problem No no no I can be on hold Yeah yeah When this bitch comes Fucking back I swear to fucking I swear to Yes yeah no I am Sorry I can be on hold. Yeah, yeah. When this bitch comes fucking back, I swear to fucking, I swear to,

yes, yeah, no, I am. Sorry, I was just talking to my fiance. Yeah, yeah. Is it because, right? Is it because you don't want to talk to him? Because you probably, if you do end up talking to him,

you're going to end up like inviting him to the wedding? Because Daniel, Daniel, anytime there's like a fucking delivery driver or an Uber thing, you'd be like,

oh, let's become best mates. No, I just like, so Cara wants, Cara and me, you know, this is one of the times in our relationship where we're going to wear two different dreams. I was like,

she was like, not a small wedding, but she wore like a normal size wedding. I'm like, let's just have a massive one. She's like, who are we going to invite? I'm just like,

who gives a, just people who care. It's like, it's a big party. I'm paying for it. It's a fun. And like, you know, she wouldn fun and like you know she wouldn't let me invite she won't let me invite david swimmer won't let you ride david swimmer she won't let me fight david swimmer even though he's very nice to us yeah um she won't let me invite i mean there are other there are

heaps of people when she's like not them i'm like I get what you're saying yeah it's because but that's the whole wedding thing isn't it you open one gate and like yeah I feel like that person everyone's got their

spider like this is why this is why I say fucking Cara like she's like well do you think these people will be upset

if they're only invited to the evening and not the day ceremony and I'm like if I have any friends who are like that and they show any of that emotion on the outwards

we'll never talk to them again because I can't imagine a lesser human being turning up to someone's fucking wedding regardless of what I wasn't there at the reception

whatever bit of the fucking wedding they invited you to they invited you along and you're like was I not there for the full thing get out get out of the fucking

full thing you should be happy about that if anything yeah or people that go why was I not there for the full thing? Get out. Get out of the fucking full thing. You should be happy about that, if anything. Yeah. Or people that go, why was I not invited? Fuck you, motherfucker.

You don't know how big our wedding was. You don't know. Like, I've got very close friends who've got, had weddings that I didn't go to. At no point was I like, well,

somebody's going to be moving down my people 16. I can tell you that for free. It's actually them that's devaluing or devaluing or putting a value on it rather than saying, yeah, fuck that. That's annoying. Fucking bunch of fucking wankers. The other horrible money when I did the other day, just so I can get this all out of my system, this is like confession for me. I feel if I admit that I do these things, I'm allowed to do them forever. Because the first part of fixing the problem is acknowledging the problem and then that's it

okay and then you don't have to do anything else you just acknowledge that you're aware of the flaw you have in your own characteristics and it's done

and then it's done as long as you're aware yeah yeah yeah as long as you're aware tell people I'm a cunt and then you be a cunt they really do that they really push that

in therapy yeah yeah yeah well they did in the first lesson apparently there's seven steps but I'm fucking I've got a good memory I've got to go pick that all did in the first lesson. Apparently there's seven steps, but I've got a good memory. I've got to pick that up in that first lesson. Thank you, vindicated.

Don't even say bye, just escape on the Zoom. See you next time. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Some fucking TV show was on the other day, and the grand prize was 100 grand. I walked past the screen and went to Cara. I went, 100 grand?

That's not even the price of a car. Oh, that's right. You've made me mad, you fucking... It's such a... Oh, it makes me laugh so much. Do you know what? Do you know what is funny? Remember how bad the prize

and the weakest link used to be always? Oh, was it? Yeah, was it not like five grand? Not even. Five grand would be you would be doing well. I know it was on every day and shit, but sometimes you look in, you're playing now, and you're all this, and you're playing for 1,200 pounds,

and I'm like, fuck, how much money are you making on this show? Yeah. I don't know, because it was daytime TV, and I reckon Anne Robinson was taking it. Is she still alive? Anne Robinson? Aye. Is she still alive? Aye Is she one of yours? Is she? Fuck

What's her name like? Ann Robinson That's Tori Fair enough It was just the ginger and the awareness She is alive 78 78

Oh well I think she'll live a while She doesn't She has that fucking I don't think she's'll live a while. She doesn't. She has that fucking little denigrated... I don't think she's ever touched a fucking cigarette. She's just... Judge Judy. She's going to live another 42 years because she votes Tory

and that's what Tory voters do. They just outlive everyone else. I'm going to keep things the way they are. It's all about stealing resources in her life. We were talking to a friend of ours A couple of days ago And they have a child in school

And they were telling us That at a meeting at school The teachers revealed That one in five first years Were having sex That's just fucking hell Is that the teacher going 11 or 12 11 or 12 years old I thought that Is that the teacher going 11 or 12

11 or 12 years old I thought that was just the teacher going That's me fucking all of them I confess You know what send me to jail I've done them all Yeah yeah Nothing you can do to me now Oh no

I've lived my wildest No no please no Just the penal version Of that possum That snuck into the bakery That's right It'd be great if they're like You know what The diddy rapist's in jail

And he's like Oh that's right Thank god I don't know How do you punish this guy One in five That's so fucked One in fucking percent

I hate to sound like A grandad here But where were Manplobs in high school? I can't tell, right? If I was completely oblivious, or a massive virgin, I was, or a thing, but I would have presumed nobody in the entire second.

Maybe one badass got a handjob. Well, yeah, but you're Catholic. Yours was actual Catholic school. Oh, yeah. How many times a day did they make you pray? You know, that kind of stuff was gone, like maybe twice. Twice a day? Pretty sure, like twice you used to,

but they kind of got rid of the pray thing. There was that whole separation of church and state, but what happened was it was like the most half-hour separation, which was, we won't force it on you. You did have religion class, but our religion teacher was was the religious class just Christianity most of the time they did try and give you

the bog standard was there any other times they were like you'll never guess what these fucking Buddhist things are these fucking that would be great

these fucking baldies man oh chrome domes they believe in happiness finding happiness while on the planet And then being reincarnated later on

God loves you But is very embarrassed by everything You've ever done And you've let him down The thing is the religion teachers The religion teachers were never good teachers Right so this is like a Donegal Kind of thing, an Ireland thing

Where you would get a job as a teacher if you're on the GAA board. Like the Gaelic football. So, for example, if you were one of the board members and that, they were kind of like, the county council were like, we'll just give you a job as a teacher as well to prop up the money to have you a full-time job. So then you weren't allowed to do any of the serious subjects, so religion wouldn't have been like for example my religion teacher was actually an ex under 16s ireland manager he was going to be like the taking care of all the football so like oh

good well then we take to put up your pack package why don't you teach religion he was just like he had no care like he used to threaten the cruc to crucify He was in that religious class Being like Are any of these young lads Going to be future footballers Exactly Can I treat them like shit He was great He crucified you

We watched the Lion King He used to threaten Or threaten to crucify you If you were threatened to crucify You'd point at this like Crucifix it Man that's not why Jesus is on the cross

In the room He's not there to threaten That's not You're like I'll fucking I'll die This is what happened To the last kid Who didn He's not there to threaten. That's not, you're like, I'll fucking, I'll nail you to this. This is what happened to the last kid

who didn't bring his homework in on time. That's exactly, that's exactly, to the, to the fucking T. And then we just put on The Lion King. We just put on The Lion King. Like,

we watched about seven times in religion. Aye. That was always the best part of school whenever it was the teacher who was clearly having troubles at home and they would just wheel that TV in. You're like, fuck. I told you this this i think the cunt's dead anyway but like art my old like

english teacher when i was like 13 14 used to like this is the creepiest thing in the world i only figured out when i was like 20 years old i was looking to look back and went whoa that could have made a documentary he uh he to make us watch, we watched it like three times, he was like, it'll help you with understanding. It's not 100-degree English class. It was, the film was called Unfaithful. Unfaithful. It's Richard Gere and Diane Lane.

Oh. And it was just, it's just like a film with 19 sex scenes in it. Really? That was all that was in it. It was, I fill them with 19 sex scenes in it. Really? That was all that was in it. It was Dianne Leigh and getting ploughed by a French. So wait, wait, wait. Did this Christian school put on Unfaithful with their watch? Did they just put it on because it was called Unfaithful?

And they're like, this will be something to do with religion, obviously. Yeah. Well, I don't know. He was definitely. Oh, he he used definitely oh he knew oh he knew like for example this same guy grabbed my my he's been here a long time he was there a long time he was about 65 when i was fucking in school i remember he grabbed my aunt's ass and she knocked him out i remember that one in like the fucking 80s Just a fucking parents teacher's night Yeah Not a lot, my aunt was in school He taught my aunt in school

When my aunt was in school Oh so in school you grabbed your aunt Oh my god Not in the future, not in the parent teacher Oh buddy, wow We had loads of them So like you used to get like Yeah so I can tell

Only like 20 years ago That was so fucked That was just Diane Lane Being pumped in a hole I remember that so well But I must have been like 13 Watching this He was just like

We're going to watch this again Okay So he was staring out at us Watching sex scenes There was a girl from my High school Who I had Sexual relations with

Later on And she didn't fuck me in high school because nobody fucked me in high school that's not true I think I got laid in sixth year but I wasn't anyway you were doing comedy then yeah I was so I suddenly had

just a different swagger to me I've been in the 5 free press sit down teacher I'll take this I need the fucking stage time she she would tell me that while in high school

she'd gone out drinking and ended up banging the PE teacher oh yes she was like underage drinking in the bar

and the PE teacher was there and he definitely knew he was like he was like a a younger teacher oh okay yes I mean it's still not it's still definitely some sort of crime He was like a younger teacher. Oh, okay, yes.

I mean, it's still not. It's still definitely some sort of crime. Our PE teacher was a younger woman. Oh, aye. And she was pretty good looking. And everybody just freaked out for like six years. Yeah, it's very awkward. Like, imagine how fucking bad it is at Catholic school.

Like, when there was one attractive teacher, like one, at least one that the boys fancied yeah yeah she took our registration god none of us were ever late we had two we had one that just wore makeup uh-huh and immediately we called her malibu barbie and she got so much abuse right like just for wearing makeup uh and then we had a guy that all the girls loved and he was a history teacher. But I mean, when I think back, they were really starved because this guy just looked like Damien Duff.

It was just like, you wouldn't go, fuck, there's Damien Duff. Let me bang the hoop off that. Like, it's not, that's not a thing. So was it, so was anyone getting laid in your school? There was definitely definitely there was a situation. I remember two teachers. Two teachers were jagged? Lesbian. And they both got both got canned. They both got beheaded. Oh my god. Sleeping with the fishes. Well, that's what they I'm so sorry to our LGBT Listeners Oh

I think they were like we can't have Because we always had like a priest wander around We had a chaplain dude And there was like the place used to run by nuns And the nuns still own the school But they're not really allowed anymore to Be in with the kids and fucking like Teach them or

Because they used to be teaching They would just be like no i'm teaching maths and you're like you have no yeah you just and then they just the only book you've read is the bible priests were fine they they they just did the odd rape uh but it was the nuns were the actual ones that necked the fuck they were like the little fucking mafia the henchmen you. You know, like you're watching Derry Girls now, like that old woman, but actually violent. Because, I mean, did I,

you know, I definitely had sex in high school, but that was like sixth year. That was like when we all started like drinking. You were still 17 or so, 16, 17? 16,

17, yeah. It was like, that was in the time when we were having like house parties. So you were actually like outside of school, mingling with the opposite sex. We were going, like drinking down in the time when we were having like house parties So you were actually like outside of school mingling with the opposite sex We were going like drinking down on the beach and stuff And we'd bang Then

Or that's when you get talking Well yeah I think But fucking Like third and fourth year You were saying first year so that's 12 13 Max 11, 12

11 Oh god Yeah That's insane You were saying first years, that's 12, 13, max. 11, 12. 11, oh God. Even at the end of the year. That's insane. As a parent, I would freak out. I think I would freak out if my kid was having sex at 12. Like absolutely freak out. Oh yeah, yeah.

I'd arrest that child. Arrest that pedo fuck. That's sick. Twisted. Sorry he's crying, but you fucking bet. I've watched pedo hunters. They always turn on the waterworks

at this point don't phone his mum it's disgusting that he even still lives with that I yeah 12 does seem a bit

not a bit way way way too young even like even if it's with someone of their own age you're like guys there's way too much

you don't have the emotional maturity to deal with this. Mind you, I don't think I had the emotional maturity. Yeah, yeah, I think you have to be emotionally mature, like not necessarily while having sex, you don't have to be like, well thank you very much.

Not both of you being like, I fully consent to this party and I fully consent to this idea. Ring the consent bell. Yeah, like not, like, and is this enjoyable this party and I fully consent to... Ring the consent bell. Yeah, like, not... Like, and it's just enjoyable for you and you enjoying this and we all... Fine, it was none of that. But you have to be... You have to understand the consequences of it.

You have to understand that you're not just doing it to... Yeah. I was... I don't know if I'm just, like, basing this off of, like, episodes of Skins I vaguely remember. Aye. But, you know, it's... You don't want them having sex with each other

just because they think it'll make them cool. I mean, don't get me wrong. It't want them Having sex with each other Just because they think It'll make them cool Don't get me wrong It does make them cool That is the thing And I'm not saying I think it's cool I'm just telling you

A teenager's thing If you're in high school And somebody else is having sex They're the only one Doing the thing You're not doing the thing That is See Skins was the one

That when it came out Everybody was like Wow fucking hell This is so realistic And I watched it Always at the time I've never done any of this

yeah yeah mine was the in betweeners that was accurate like the in betweeners is pretty accurate Derry Girls

is accurate that was not skins they were all fucking having a great time yeah no it was fucking

were they not doing like pills when they were in there yeah they were always doing shrooms and fingering each other and fucking good music. What's that about?

I discovered weed in high school, booze and stuff, but no, it was never fucking... I discovered weed until I was 30, basically. Yeah. Sorry about that, yeah. Whoopsie, passed it on. But then also kept it off for myself. Speaker 2

In my year did poppy seeds or opium for one of his exams. Oh, really? And he passed fucking hell. Someone when I was 12 sold me speed and I was completely didn't want to buy speed. Right. And it was this is speed, but it was a guy that used to be in my neighbor. I was like, I didn't ask for drugs. And he was just like, you're going to buy this off me for a fiver i don't have a fiver and he's just like fuck let me watch you do it and chase you home and it was a little sandwich bag and it was all red right red stuff like chipped and i was just like and then he was selling it to me in his garage which was red i don't think speed Speed can't be red No

Because that's the colour Of the stop sign And the traffic lights Doesn't make any sense Basically he was selling it Purely from a market perspective By the wall Where he clearly chipped it off

The wall The windshield So he was just like You want some of this And I go I can see the scrape It's on there It's on like the

You know the thing You scrape the wall with I was like it's there I know what you're selling me You want me to snort Your paint off your garage You mad cunt For a fiver You want to You want me to snort your paint off your garage You mad cunt You want to buy this little bag of pills there

I watched you Chewing gum From underneath that table And put them into small shapes Buy the bag or I'll stab you He didn't even know what it was What speed was I was like what does it do

Make sure you go quick We once When I was still high does it do I'll make sure you go quick we once when we when I was still high school time me and my mate Ali's both Ali's

Fife was dry from wheat so occasionally you just get a message from your dealer in Fife being like Fife's dry

and it just means like there's you know this is before the amazing time that exists now where like you could just

message someone and be like can you send me a pound of marijuana to my house and they're like would you like next day delivery and you're like yes please and then the postman hands it to you that's where we are that's where we're at with drugs now what a time to be fucking alive where is back then you had to know a guy and you had to go around to his fucking house and his house fucking stank and he would keep

you there for ages. I mean, that's the thing. I've never had to do any of that. Pineapple Express nailed it so well of how much the drug dealers want to be afraid. Oh, God, man. Yeah, it was so good. You're just like, give me the fucking bag. So I can smoke this myself? Yeah, so I can smoke this with my friends.

Oh, so occasionally they'd be like, Fife's dry. And then like Big Ali, fucking idiot, would always be like, I know a guy in Edinburgh. I think you don't know. We're from Fife. Nobody in Edinburgh will talk to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're in high school in Fife. Edinburgh's the city across the water.

You're fucking insane. A clear divide. I pass my driving test. He's like, I've got this fucking guy in Edinburgh. So at like 10 at night, I think my parents are in bed. I'm allowed to drive the car, but I also don't want my parents to be, like, where are you driving to at 10pm?

So, snuck out, took the car, drove through to Edinburgh, stopped down at across from the fucking playhouse, big alley, got out, bought two bags of this fucking stuff for like 20 quid each, I think it was, and then in the car, all the way back, he's like, I don't think this is weed, and I'm looking at him like, it's, it's, what do you mean you And then all the way back, he's like,

I don't think this is weed. And I'm looking at him like, what do you mean you don't think it's weed? He's like, no, no, no, it just doesn't smell like weed. And this is before any of us have tried cooking before. Now I can tell you straight off if you give it back. Yeah. He sold us oregano.

It's like literal, two fucking pouches of oregano. I there was like Something like marijuana Seeds in there as well Because I remember getting back And just being like Trying to pick out the seeds In fact Big Ali Like picking out the seeds Being like Maybe if we get all these bits

And I think it was Little Ali It was like Lads we just have to Yeah We have to admit it all It's also where kids There's other ways to get drunk Or fucked up

We used to do the Do you ever do the gas chamber? No I heard of this gas chambers where you do uh i think it's like you get no no you get sambuca and you light the sambuca and you put the pint glass over the top and then that does something and obviously a friend who was telling you to do it would tell you all the science of it and then you put a straw underneath and you suck the air from that it would give you a head rush I think it was just carbon Basically just poppers Didn't it

Yeah probably And also you know How like hyperventilating Just gives you like Yeah yeah yeah You oxidise your blood You get a fucking Buzzy head

Yeah But I would tell I was not Shagging at 11 12 Like I could think No not at all I don't even think

I could have spoken To a girl I didn't even go to my prom No I couldn't be fucked My mum's like If I'd have it tonight and I go it is I couldn't be fucked Are you scared to ask people?

No it's far away I went to I went to my We didn't call it prom We just called it our levers Yeah We called It was called Everywhere else in Ireland

It's called the Debs The Debs? Yeah And we call it prom Why? So everybody's like You fucking British Tory cunts Essentially

If we call it prom We used to get run straight Because we use a lot of Beside Northern Ireland Terms But yeah Debs? Don't know

No idea what you're short for? No Debutant ball maybe? Fuck Beside Northern Ireland But yeah Debs Don't know No idea what he's short for No Debutant ball maybe Fuck I felt like I was so excited I go maybe that's what it is I was just trying to

Well because in my head You said the word debutant And then I suddenly realised I'm like I don't think I know What the word debutant means I know debut It means first Isn't the debutant ball

What Americans call it sometimes Is it Type in debutant ball If I just made sometimes? Is it? Type in debutant ball If I just made that completely Because it's very funny I hit that with some confidence You did If now you're like

It doesn't even exist I'd be like The debutant ball is sometimes called a coming out party Oh well I've been at many debutant balls I've heard of a gender reveal, but not a sexuality reveal. I thought you were going to say gender reveal. That's where I thought you were setting up.

Well, to be fair, if you were to do a sexuality reveal, you don't need to do one because I don't know what sexuality you are. No straight guy standing there with one black balloon. Straight. no straight guy standing there with one black balloon that straight to show the girls in their glory and grace there

it's very confusing I'll try and read or just talk right so yeah you're saying there's there's girls here involved so

I suppose girls can come out too when we talk about it oh man you've got it in my head now sexuality reveal a sexuality reveal like that's where maybe

maybe we should allow gays that, like the, you know, if we allow, if we allow fucking straight couples, you have to come out. To do a gender reveals, right?

If you want to, because you know how like, when every time a gay comes out, people are always like, we always knew he was gay. Like, oh, well,

what a surprise. And it wasn't until I was speaking to gay friends, they're like, we get why people do that, but that's also like a bit shitty because you're just you know just because everyone else

knows your sexuality coming to terms with your own one it's your own process and people just being like we already knew kind of takes away from your journey which is a very gay way

of looking at it we already fucking knew it is that it is hey guys I've been struggling with who I am for several years now

and I'm actually this thing that I know is looked down on by a lot of society and I finally have the courage to tell you all that I am for several years now and I'm actually this thing that I know is looked down on by a lot of society and I finally have the courage to tell you all that I am that Aye we knew that you fucking JSAI No surprises here

Do you not understand that's why people have been yelling that word at you It's to demonstrate the etiquette of young girls I think it's like back when Oh a debutant ball Ah Like wow this is Oh so this is their first time being a lady Yeah

Oh well there you go I mean like You could be I won't Go back to The gays having a Sexuality reveal party So are you trying to say

Sexuality reveal party Do you mean you have to do it No You don't have to You have to do it when you turn 18 You don't have to But we'd all give them a time limit mean you have to do it? No You don't have to You have to do it when you turn 18 You don't have to but we'd all give them a time limit No you can't do that

I'm still unsure Fuck you've had years Yeah If you are giving them a time limit it can't be 18 because like I think like Too much happening

Yeah Well first of all you've hit fucking puberty at 13 like you need you need at least a decade I reckon But I do think 14

And you have to stick to it 14 You're not living Legally Like, you need at least a decade. I reckon. But I do think... 14. And you have to stick to it. 14. You're not legally arrested if you try and change it. What age is Philip Schofield? Four years before he came out. That's the age. Oh, yeah, yeah. But he didn't give that enough time limit to the person he was buying it.

But you know, I think that couple in South America who like, well, fucking ruined a waterfall by putting blue fucking ink into it for their gender reveal thing, right? And obviously everyone else

is kicking off rightly and I do think they're being charged with environmental damage by the police and whatnot. But like, if that's allowed to be like a regular thing or that type of thing

is allowed to be a regular thing, you know, why not fireworks with glitter in them you know i'm trying to think of a i've what i've done is i've i've come to a bit where we can we can riff but everything is just going to be stereotypes and now there's nothing yeah yeah yeah if craig hill was here god i'd get away with it yeah yeah he'd be joining in anything he said it'd be fine because people be like well craig knows this is absolutely fine but we're gonna you're bald you do impression of craig oh no oh craig craig's great for knowing every brilliant food place in every city in the

world oh god yeah yeah i remember nod in nottingham and he was like no you need to go to this this for this how long have you been in nottingham to know all the places he's very good at uh well i think he's just got friends everywhere and he always asks for their recommendations and then whenever he goes to a good place because he just assumes well because he knows the place is good he's like well you must know other good places and then he just saves them all onto his like fucking i think he saves it on his google maps somehow he's like these are the pins of all the places just shares it with everyone ronnie cheng does that as well if you ever go to melbourne right and if you want to know what there is to do at melbourne at any fucking time for food

ronnie cheng has a spreadsheet which is like breakfast lunch that's so sad evening oh man ronnie's a little bit Little bit autistic Yeah yeah That's sad but unbelievable Yeah yeah yeah Oh god Like I'm glad you did it But Jesus

Do you want to finish Roasting me on my sneakers So that I can roast you On something else Yeah yeah I don't really have much else To say Borrowed the fact that

You keep running How many runners Do you have now Oh man Ballpark it 20 Yeah 20 20 Yeah keep buying them how many runners do you have now oh man ballpark it 20 yeah 20

20 yeah nobody's gonna fucking like do you know how many people I'm working on fashion

from the bottom up so if I start there I'm gonna start taking your time at the bottom covering all angles and people will be able

to go and find on previous podcasts me saying the words if I ever get into sneakers beat my fucking head with a shovel And people will be able to go and find on Previous podcasts Me saying the words If I ever get into sneakers Beat my fucking head in with a shovel Yeah, okay But hey You've got to live your life as a hypocrite

Because how else do you grow? Fuck, I fucking You did this earlier to me It is It's a little bit Little Little nug of wisdom Who, who

Is it just you You putting that out I'm No You putting that out there For a Tumblr quote With your name on it Tumblr

Tumblr's dead They'll bring it back Yeah Bring back Tumblr You have got to be The most Unnatural golfer Oh

Yeah Yeah Yeah We went out for a game You, me And That's me the most unnatural golfer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We went out for a game, Hugh, me and Gareth. That's me, that's me, working on it. Yeah, hey, don't get me wrong, like you're still, you're decent,

you're as good at golf as me and Gareth, essentially, like, you know, every week, except for one of us wins, we're all pretty fucking even. But you penguin footed

cat handed worm backed fuck like it's just it looks so arthritic someone says it looks painful

yeah like it's looks painful and none of it's none of it's natural like everything's bent that shouldn't be bent

like oh like a wave. Like a badly made K'nex human being. So I've been trying to do the back part especially. The feet I'm terrible with. It's so wrong to me to have my feet. To have feet in a straight line.

Straight line. I'm just always standing there going like, why is this? This is wrong. So is your natural gait of your feet just looking big, penguin, waddledle waddle? Bowlegging. No, I'm not even.

You know how people have that? Aye. Carry on, reek. You know? I'm trying to think, like, I, I'm not great at any sports.

I used to be okay at football when I was, when I was younger. But I don't think I've ever been as naturally ungifted. Oh, okay. younger but I don't think I've ever been as naturally

ungifted at anything just in the sense of appearance like when we went to a golf lesson and the guy giving his lesson looked at us take a couple of swings and to me he was like you're okay you get in your head a lot and there's plenty

of bits to fix here but you've got the basics down you've got good movement and you've got decent arms and I was like you're okay you get in your head a lot and there's plenty of bits to fix here but you've got the basics down you've got good movement and you've got decent and i was like okay that's good to know and he was like and you genuinely looked perturbed just like he was like what even are you doing in this portion you be in like a fucking or room getting your spina bifida fixed? Aye, aye. We really do have that. You play golf like a slinky. Yes. Yes.

And feel those arm feelings. Sometimes follow the club. But you know what? You'll hit it fucking straight occasionally. See, this is maybe why I've gotten into sneakers because I've gotten into golf. I'm like, fuck. Maybe it's a midlife crisis within me because I can feel myself getting older

because I carapotied out the other day I'm not just grey apparently I'm getting grey and even though like I don't know about you but there's levels to my understanding of myself

here's how I think I feel. Here's how I actually feel if I really think about it. And here's how I probably really feel, but I'll only work this out five weeks later after I felt that emotion. Yeah, yeah. I think I'm fine about getting older because, like, I lived my 20s. I had a very good 20s. I did everything that you could hope to do uh in your in your 20s

and i desperately needed to slow down right if i'd done that for another decade i can't look like kai man in fairness still remember that was about to actually say this because remember you were like all of a sudden that like things you're like no no i've had my fun now i'm going to bed yep and i'd still be like i'm still I'm now changing too because I can't do it as much Kai's a freak you see I used to always be bad

because I'd always end up with Kai at 8am and it'd be the two of us in war sometimes and playing something stupid and I'd be like what a waste of time

well yeah it was bad it was always toxic masculinity that kept you up and also FOMO and also and also the cocaineO and also and also

the cocaine yeah but yeah yeah I remember the first time because I was one of the early ones that started going to bed I'm like I'm done

people are like fucking pussy and I'm like yeah fine I would I would much rather be called a pussy it usually works

guys guys what do we do you wet the bed does anyone have a shepherd's crook? Aye. Yanking back into the room? Lock the door and all.

Aye. I just, I value sleep more than my friend's opinions now. I don't value sleep, but I just can't, I can't do it anymore. Whatever, physically, I just can't do it as much as I used to, but Kai still, still, aye.

Oh no, he can't do it. Guy's arsehole leaks blood every other fucking day. Still there though He can Aye But like Thank god human beings Don't give up

Fucking engine noise Like cars do Because I think Guys would be And there would be times In the night When it would just stop And Natalie would have to

Show her a finger up his arse Twist it Restart the engine That's why his arse is bleeding It's like in the Godfather every morning he wakes up

the blood in the sheets I've seen the Godfather yeah it's a fucking good reference and you fucked it oh I got the reference I've you know I've seen that reference

in pop culture things so I okay well that's alright we'll let you see Kai didn't watch the Godfather I didn't make him watch it he loved it

yeah oh there's definitely all the old movies that when people make you watch The Godfather I didn't let him watch it Loved it There's definitely all the old movies That when people make you watch them I can see why this is big Except for Top Gun Sorry I was with you on that one Remember we were like We're going to watch Top Gun The new one's kind of coming out

We both hated it I genuinely watched it This is fucking gash And then I went to watch the new one and it like I reckon if you love Top Gun it was brilliant

because they didn't change it they made it equally as stupid and cheesy but updated the flight stuff in the plane which was unbelievable but I don't want the cheesiness

for the old one I didn't like the cheesiness for the old one oh yeah yeah same I just couldn't do it here's a question for you did you watch did we discuss this

on the last podcast everything everywhere all at once like four podcasts ago or did we a little bit Here's a question for you Did you watch Did we discuss this On the last podcast Everything everywhere All at once Like four podcasts ago Or did we A little bit Right With him

Yeah Right well then Let's not go through The exact same Fucking conversation again I'm gonna go watch Smile You don't watch horror films I do not watch horror films

Fuck it No fuck it I know what we'll try Fucking Cara Oh yeah And her fucking Wikipedia Oh yeah That's as annoying

As your fucking Like oh It's a cup We'll just buy another one Yeah And I'm much higher skilled Than that What will we do

With this cup Cara For films she hasn't seen Or before watches it reads the entire synopsis in plotline on Wikipedia yeah

completely destroys it beforehand she tried to frame it like oh in case there's a dog that's not true but she did say that oh yeah

she will not watch it if an animal dies in a movie she'll stop watching it then and turn it off and be like I'm not interested

you can always just tell me the animal dies you'll have to show me an animal die we a movie she'll stop watching it then and then turn it off and be like I'm not interested you can always just tell me the animal dies you don't have to show me an animal we watched Hocus Pocus yesterday and tried to pretend you fucking trigger warning

to my fiance and we tried to pretend that it was for Caelan's benefit but obviously he's not registered in it so we're like we're on Hocus Pocus and it was fine

I remember it from years ago but I did remember just to let you know Cara there's going to be a scene in this where it looks like the cat dies

but the cat does not die it's not let's know what happens Cara while watching movies like if she's if she feels it's too slow we'll go on to Wikipedia and find the ending of it

just so she doesn't get annoyed she's already checked read she goes oh smile looks good and I go aye the trailer checked red she goes oh smile looks good and I go

the trailer's good she goes am I red enough it fucking infuriates him to the point it infuriates well I mean I'm used to it now

like I'm just like ah you know what fair enough I've got my things she does it with horror movies she'll do it I'll be like have you seen this movie

and she'll be like no but it sounds shit and I'm like we could have watched it together what are you doing like i had to like when i wanted her to watch the prestige i was like if you google if you google this movie before we watch the prestige yeah fuck off like i'm gonna have to throw you down that you've immediately cut everything by 80 percent it's it's we tried to watch a horror

film once uh because we have we had horror film Tuesdays where you were doing something I was doing that was during lockdown it was when I was doing the fucking D&D with Gareth and CMB we were like we'll use this opportunity to watch a horror film because Daniel can't watch horror films he'll get nightmares genuinely I just don't like what if that is true

like when I went to see first time I ever fucking went to see paranormal activity I fucking When I went to see First time I ever fucking went to see Paranormal activity I Fucking ghosts are not allowed to exist during the day Like that That fucked me up During the day

That's illegal Yeah that's why That's not their jurisdiction I just think that's why Midsommar's so good Yeah You ever watch Midsommar? No Midsommar is like entirely yeah you ever watch Midsommar Midsommar is like

entirely during the day like midday the whole thing is out in fields in bright air and I'm like that's really hard to do

because usually you're just darkness blah blah blah it was like that bit in Paranormal Activity where like they set up the camera

in the room and you see like the fucking creepy footprints walking through the flower that they put on the ground to catch on camera and then it just sort of

like flicks the like flicks the like bottom of the duvet off of her foot and you're like well fuck you for that nightmare because already anytime my foot is out of the fucking duvet I think I'm going to be fucking grand

now at 32 I'm beyond that now at 32 I can happily say I'm at an age where I can sleep with my foot dangling out the bed and no part of my brain works. Very brave. But monsters, right? But monsters, okay. But I didn't get, I didn't get to that stage until I was like 27 or 28.

That, it just feels weird, you don't trust it, you put, you know. But that bit flicks out, they add to that fucking nightmare and then it just fucking drags the cunt out of the bed. I remember being in the cinema, I was on a date and I think I shrieked louder than she did. She still kissed me afterwards, but I didn't see her again. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy. He's like, I can get out of here. She's like, I feel like this will be his first kiss. I used to get, when I was a kid,

I got freaked out about two, right, I got freaked out about two films. I used to watch The Exorcist all the time. It was so funny. Like all the old horror films were really funny. Damien,

good film, Omen or whatever. And then I was like going on for your kids i was watching all sorts of fucking shit all horror and then i freaked out at 13 at scream that's not even a scary one like you'd screams a fucking slasher it's but yeah i watched screaming i was like damn petrified of this but it was just a dude In a mask I couldn't figure out Why Scream Fucked me up

But It's a lot more real Because like It's just an actual guy That's killing Maybe that's where it was As a kid Because I used to like

But you'd rather be Fucking stabbed Than shot Yeah I'm surprised you weren't Watching the movie Being like God my dream

Again Just like with your Little diary Drawing pictures the scream. That's you need a dream out. You need to bleed out You like if you cut your head off with a fucking thing straight like a slasher head off your sword No, that counts as like being shot. Yeah Beheaded, but I would only want to be beheaded if it was like guillotine bed mind you want to be beheaded if it was like guillotine beheaded mind you

I don't want I don't want fucking yeah I don't want the Kenneth Bigley I don't want ISIS or Al Qaeda on camera

none of that because I saw that I saw something about Kenneth Bigley I watched that video I remember being young that was horrific I remember being young

and there was like my friend always went to the site Rotten and that had like really obviously awful fucking remember it was in the early days

of the internet where you just got to see like the early videos of people being shot or hit by cars or buildings falling on them and I remember

at that I was like I don't think I like this stuff and then like the Al Qaeda videos came out and friends were passing the links

around at school and I'm like never need to see it never need to know what that looks like under any fucking circumstance no curiosity no thank you

Nope nope nope It did stick with me Biglies I'll fucking bet You can hear it go through The windpipe and stuff And you're just like I remember it stuck with me

And I went Why did I watch that And then I don't watch Any of Who the fuck was it Recently was showing Something on backstage It was like

Oh it was in I was in Belfast And I can't remember Something horrific happened At the gym And everybody just kept going Likeast And I can't remember Something horrific happened At the gym And everybody just kept going like Oh oh And I'm like what about your time

I'm like I'm not watching that Because it will haunt me forever I did eh I did watch that video Of that guy getting eaten by the shark I did watch that too That felt like A bit different

Even though it was horrific Aye Which is because it was like I actually seen a shark Yeah that was In action Yeah yeah And but I mean that sticks with me I've got one in my head I remember watching That stuck with me a bit too Even though it was horrific. Aye. Well, just because it was like, I actually seen a shark. Yeah, that was, I feel, yeah, yeah. And, but I mean,

that sticks with me. I've got one in my head. That was pretty mad. That stuck with me a bit too. I remember watching it when I was 14 and it's still in my fucking head. There's like this wall that's made from like two metal posts

and like the walls is just like a two by four, but of brick. Two by four of brick. Is this, this is the video, I think. The one the guy kicks it through. Kicks it through kicks it through

and squashes it that plays in my head once a fucking day I watched that video once when I was it was like apparently the first one of the first

YouTube shows they moved on from that video they were like remember that one in the thing and they were doing it and I refused to watch

so I know exactly what you're talking about because they just described it to me somebody kicks the thing and it slaps it and it slaps straight away or something It's just that

There's no way he didn't lose all of that Yeah yeah it's gone I'll put it together I look forward to explaining the internet To like Caleb when he's old enough What was it like in the early days The most popular website on the internet was

a collection of pictures of cats where the joke was the cats couldn't spell properly and they all wanted cheeseburgers and that was it and that website made millions millions and millions of pounds and there was also a website

where there was a picture of a race car and it was called Try Not To Laugh and it was what is now the Crazy Frog theme tune and it was just, oh god back in the days of, what was that fucking website one of the first ever websites that had

any comedy content on it iFunny? iFunny? no, it was pre-iFunny that had any comedy content on it. Eye funny? What? Eye funny? Eye funny? No, no, it was pre-eye funny. Like, put it this way, the biggest thing on it was, and this shows you how old it was,

the biggest thing on it was the Backstreet Boys are gay song. Have you heard that? When I was 13 years old, it was the funniest. It's to the tune of, you are, I don't know the words. That one. funniest it's to the tune of you are then i don't know the words yeah all right

that one and it's it's just it's me and kai were talking about the last podcast it's the lowest form of comedy i want it that way yeah i want it that way thank you the lowest form of comedy is just taking a song and then putting comedy words on the top yeah this was that but i was 12 years old and like this is i know what i want to do this is, yeah I don't think I don't think I was ever tempted to do musical comedy, I could never have I'm sometimes jealous of it, I'm like god this is fucking easy, aye, well it depends

I couldn't do a Bill Haley or a Bill Barnum obviously there's good examples I mean like generally on the whole I mean like musical comedians are funny I could name me three I like they're unbelievable but I couldn't find it we're going to have to wrap this up pretty quickly

because I have to fuck off to air and I thought air was like an hour away that's what you told me yeah it turns out I was lying it turns out it's like an hour and 50 minutes away oh right shit it's an actual journey not only is it further away than I expected

it's not Daniel Sloss and Friends and I told you yesterday I was like we'll do the podcast and then you're

coming to the fucking show with me because you're on okay I really should listen to either my fiance

or my agent but you know both women that would be a perfect time for like an old school

70s sitcom just closing over and that's all folks and we end why not end on sexism thank you very much for listening to the Patreon episode

thank you to Baldy for joining you got anything coming up no mostly just shows find it on Twitter and Instagram see you next time

fuckers