Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.20: Bi-Smoker

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

Muggins and Cream have no option but to try to make their inane lives a source of comedy in the still period of having our shit together before it all goes terribly wrong in Vegas. Today's rich veins of comedy include ASOS shopping and travel insurance.

Hello public listeners and patrons who get the episodes early. Thank you very much for your continued support. Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. Today's episode is, I guess, me and Kai's first time in a while, I guess, for you. We have a sort of catch-up about what we've been up to. We speak about life insurance. I mean, look, it really is. This podcast goes through waves and phases of what it is and what it talks about. And we really appreciate you just listening to whatever fucking drivel

comes out of our mouth and trust us to make it funny. And I think we do. You know, it often goes places where we laugh at the end. But Christ, if you were to just say to the chat, boring. With that in mind, if you've not subscribed at the end, but Christ, if you were to just say it to the chat, boring. With that in mind,

if you've not subscribed to the Patreon, why not subscribe to more inane fucking chat with some good bits at the end. Enjoy. Creaming muggins Straight thugging Living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles Tickling the clit inside your head That makes you laugh Woohoo Ha ha ha They said it can't be done

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh muggles Accidental rip job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

How's the blimia going? So so right Recovered? Yeah Yeah Huh? Oh Where have you been since 9-11? How's the bulimia going? So-so, right. Recovered? Yeah. Yeah. Huh? Oh.

All right. Sorry about that. I was just checking the levels there. It's, I mean, it's not, it's not good. Like, having a, choosing to have a deceit eating disorder essentially for like two weeks. It's just like I'm just going to be really strict because I'm going to have this idea in my head and my body it's to be a certain way I'm going to eat these certain things. It's not a great way the rest of the day is good when I'm not eating oh class you know I mean kind

of low energy but so you fixed yourself you can have food now and kick it down well I can have I can go back to my boat did it did it like take a little bit away

from your strength from that you know when you went to the gym were you just like oh not what you used to be and just living a bit later or anything I'm just asking in general

just some really well being I've got no yeah yeah definitely there's no way I would have been doing 100 yeah especially after weeks of their different different stress your body made how it worth it so it was worth poisoning you then I was worth

dropping that cake off you know tell me when I was dropping the cake off I was whistling I mean I so I watched kind of pick it up unless you were that woman who lives just oh yeah you know've seen Mrs. Doubtfire, haven't you? I have. Is that based on you? That's based on me delivering poisoned cake to you.

There you go. You've benched more than us. There you go. Because you're still so bitter. I'm not. I'm still as bitter as Elliot is as well. None of us are bitter. It's not.

But please, we're proud of you. It's not. I'm proud of you for being able to keep your composure. You're such a fucking elaborate lie. If anything, your lies inspire us to be better Yeah I'm like

You know In a kind of like Just friendly competitive way And then he put me back We did a deadlift today Because now you're not Catching us on there Yeah

Give me three weeks I did actually try to pick up 160 kilos a day And I got like I didn't even get halfway up I just pick up 160 kilos a day and I got like, I didn't even get halfway up. I just started like vein popping up and I was like, actually, that seems like a silly amount.

Aye. My 150 is what I did lift and I was like, go on, chuck a five on each end. And I was like, imagine I had to just get wheeled through the airport like Molly and I would just like do

because I just got over competitive with the weights I do get people who because I've, mainly because of a person before, who fucking sneer at regular gym girls because it's just like it's just

I first thought, regardless of whether it's like a healthy obsession, it's such a lame obsession and I never, see the people who do it are like a healthy obsession, it's such a lame obsession. Like, and I never, see the people who do it, like I'm doing it for health reasons. I believe 4% of those people. 4% of those people, I'm like, you know what? You know what? You are unhealthy.

And now you've got kids. I can see you doing it. But everyone else, I'm like, good. I do it so I can just walk past the full length mirrors and he's going oh i didn't see you i do it because i didn't enjoy the pandemic and i'm like let's just erase that are you dead are you dead proud of yourself that like you're in the quiet gym in february after and you're in the busy gym of january and that you weren't the ones that went out with the tide. Because I have a regular gym go out most of the time anyway. And January, I was like, oh, right, I guess it's leg day of the day

because the machines aren't being used at all by any of the casuals. I was mainly surprised considering, you know, since Air Quotes over January was such a rip-roaring success. I was like, I wonder what habits I'll keep from that. And I did not expect still good. Yeah, because now it's like

you can get rid of the gym because I use the Anytime Fitness one like so many people must just still be paying their direct debit now that aren't using it anymore. But it's just nice now.

You get out of the gym and it's just so peaceful now. I have a gym at my house. That's like such very, very nice. We've got the shit started with Caring About Health. And inspired. We're inspired people with profanity.

I think they're at best rolling their eyes and like doing bets with each other like how long this lasts. How long it takes us to be doing podcasts, baggy jumpers and sweatpants for different reasons uh do you like my new threads by the way the asus delivery arrived can't you tell see see god i listened to this would you know you're not i am an influencer this guy all right man i invented asus oh and that's true there i i great this is one of those things that's going to sound like an absolute lie. Oh, because it is. I always sit like this when I'm telling the truth.

Aye, aye. I always say cock and arm. How about that? I want you to have no fucking worry about me mimicking your body language right now. There is fucking no part of me that's going to be like, oh, that's a cool way of being. David, hear us out. Go on, man.

I discovered Superdry before there was Superdry shops using Aethos. And they didn't have Superdry spewed all over them like they do now. I had this Osaka with a number 8 on. That's all it was. And I had this one that was Kobe with a number 6. I don't know why they were just always numbering something, right? And the one with Kobe written on was like, had this one that was Kobe with a number six. I don't know why they were just always number and something, right? And the one with Kobe written on was like purposefully cracked print, right?

And the T-shirt was a belt I cut, right? And I'm cutting around to Nurses' Night in Marbeth. You know, Nurses' Night. How the nurses get paid and the guys are drinking once a month. It's been named by the people of the city. It's not like a night where they're like... It's when the nurses all get paid and they're going to drink once a month. It's been named by the people of the city. It's not like they're like

all going to... It's when the nurses all get paid and gone out and everyone's just still got in their head that they can sexualize nurses and go, oh, sweet,

loads of fit lasses. Which it was. But I used to get them off ASOS. But one thing I didn't catch on to, I knew it existed because that

but what was asos by then because maybe when fucking netflix used to be they used to deliver dvds to your house and sometimes in xbox games and there was another fucking one of those as well that's when that started out 15 20 years ago when you're alleging that you discovered asos what was the but you know what it was it was still do you know what it was do you know what it stands for it was a catalogue you know what it was in the internet all sexy oranges sex

how the fuck do you you must already knew that if the soldier gives it all all sexy oranges aw aw let's just forget about the a

let's little tiny a yes they are all sexy oranges sex oh it's as seen on screen aw is that not what I said?

No, no You were trying to shag oranges Oh, fuck As seen on screen Oh, wait So, wait It was on television And you were ordering it

From your phone No, it was meant to be Like fucking What the celebrities have worn Or like What you've Like Like you're watching

What celebrity was wearing Your fucking Osaka 8 Orange hoodie Probably Beckham Probably Beckham what you like like you watch tell everybody who was wearing your fucking Osaka 8 orange hoodie probably Beckham probably Beckham I don't know curtains fuck yeah

I know I had curtains I'm glad I didn't have curtains it's so rare to hear anything come out of your mouth be like I'm so glad

I didn't go through this bad because Matt you did a lot of shit I bleached my hair have your ears creased i haven't got ears okay that's a fair point all right this is this big cyst at the bottom of me no yellow can you just punch through that please like an infection is why can you put a diamond on this system to attract attention to it please so

people worry about your medical health medical health so ASOS delivery arrived this is how this is how they get you Daniel you buy a bunch of shit right and you can send a bunch

back for free so you get a couple of different colours what was it back then because it's no way it was the convenient packaging it is now

which is like you take it specifically one bit you take your clothes out if you don't like them you put them in you can reseal what was it 97 years ago well I'm just going to say whoops I just dug a hole in mine which is like you take it specifically one bit, you take your clothes out, if you don't like them, you put them in, you can reseal.

What was it 97 years ago? Well, I'm just going to say whoops, I just dug a hole in mine and then when I come to seal one of them, it was there because I was like, ah, damn it. I was going to say you only made that mistake once, but what I mean by that is I only made that mistake once.

I reckon you've got another three or four of those left in you. Oh yeah, aye. Aye. Insanity, isn't it? So, so, back in the day, I didn't think they were sending them back. You just go where you're going. Just get it right, you couldn't.

Just didn't buy willy-nilly. Maybe you could, I don't know. I didn't send anything back. You're asking us to remember when I was in my early 20s. But you order a couple of things In different colours And then you like them both And you keep them both Anyone else hear that

Fuckable bad phone going? What's that? Drinks water? Sorry that's That's our tour manager Who I often interrupt The podcast as fired Aye

Do you think it may be important? No Do you think it could be Something like that We may need to pause the podcast And find out about it Just so that we didn't Get on a train

That doesn't exist anymore Way too fucking obvious Eh Yeah so anyway I fucking didn't Like I sent One thing back Because it did come in

The wrong colour It came in pink And it looked nice It was a nice top Right Here we go Here we fucking go Here he is

Ladies and gentlemen Mr Progressive It was actually late mahogany Oh wow okay which is like a lot justifying a lot of salmon i would have guessed salmon like if i looked i would have said salmon but i wanted in this kind of cobalt blue color which brings out my eyes does it and you want blue because blue is a boy's color and i think pink I think pink is pink. For you, your glasses fucking water bottles. Is that your bird leg?

What are you, gay? I'm so lame. That's how people used to think. That's still like deeply ingrained in older people. Oh, I think it's in like the depths of my brain. It's just something that you have to continue to the full, right? I'm not repressing it all the time. But, hey, that's the way it used to be. Got all my new threads on. Which is something that you have to continue to the full right? I'm not repressing it all the time but that's the way it used to be.

I've got all my new threads on and I don't know if you've seen me big jacket but it's got a gold lining. It's like you know the type where I would always wear like bling stuff before I met Natalie and she'd hold us down a lot. And just for our listeners none of it was bling There was no It felt like Whatever you pictured On your head as bling It was not Just picture it Jay-Z Nope

Just picture Only lazy Oh my god Nice Nice I should have had faith in you I wrote you off mate I'm sorry

I wrote you off I thought you were just Calling us lazy Right into the keeper And you were like calling us lazy Right into the keeper and you're like oh he stuffed it Why's he run wide that's insane

Oh it's your first time Oh he's panicked So we big jacket it was one of their way I was looking for a big jacket right and then I'm looking to Natalie going

oh look at this one it's got gold on the inside and Natalie's like you can have it it's on the inside no one will get to see it right but we're not wearing it oh you're like didn't know this jacket was the first full bat oh lining coming out just at the shoulders what a sick slick look all right so i've got i've got i've got my new threads on i've got my uh we golded lane big jacket jacket on and i ordered me

dollars to collect and the fucking only accept cash to collect your dollars at the place where i'd ordered them so i'm like well you're not gonna let us pay on record to buy me dollars you're gonna make us go and draw fucking whatever fusing pond right so i went to draw out a thousand pound at the bank dressed the way i did and I was like oh my god I look like a fucking drug dealer here she's like I've fucking gone in I'm just like over explaining myself oh I'm trying to buy dollars now oh can you believe it they didn't take card from me well they're like I've got a new friend I think dollars are fleeing the country yeah and then I went away and I was like I I'm going to spend a lot of them dollars on drugs.

I'm really worried. She thought I was drawing out money to do what I was going to do. You were worried that she thought you were a drug dealer, and you're not, you're a drug consumer. Purchaser. Yeah. So that's been me. Cara has gone back to Work Air quotes Tuesday Wednesday Thursday

Between I get Caelan Between I mean it's I'm going to talk about Social parenting here And I want people to understand When I'm describing

Social parenting Whatever it is My fiancé Who works from home Who is mostly in the room That me and my son Are also in Whenever she's working

Is working from Half seven in the morning till half two in the afternoon as a PA. It's all emails and stuff. So she's working away but she can do it on her own time

and she's a very efficient worker. But it does mean I'm taking him solo to all the groups now. Mm. Aye. I love your

lastest approach that you're not allowed to make any progress with your child when she's not there. Oh, it's a must not there because they do not make him improve as a person in any way

I don't want to miss any growth you have got just no betterment from that child than they all watch because I would

now that I want to entertain him since she's been since she's working I don't want to distract her from her job I want

and also I'm excited to do the solo and dad stuff. I'll have my one-on-one time with them. I'm ready to fucking take them out and do stuff. But obviously, I'm not allowed to do anything new with them. I couldn't take them to the zoo. I couldn't take them to a farm or any of that shit. Fair cigarette.

I don't even think I'd be allowed to fucking take them swimming, even though I could take them swimming tomorrow, because that's a swimming lesson. I think I couldn't take him solo fun swimming. She'd be like, ah, none of that shit. Which is,

look, Kara is kind of in the middle of this predicament, which, I don't know if it exists only for women, but I've only seen really happen to her,

which is this thing of, it's a double-edged sword for her because either she can go back to work, right, doing her job and she can, you know, be

missing her first child's first few years of his life. Going away, doing something, mostly whatever. But she will have to spend time in the office. Which makes her, you know, a bad mum. Or a negligent mother and all these fucking things. Or, she can not go to work.

And then she's a trophy wife. She's like, either way, anyone who wants to throw shit is going to throw shit. There's just going to be people, it's those two choices. I would fucking love to be a trophy wife. I?

I'd love. Can I go back to this for you? You kind of are. Like, I'm sorry, but have have you but it's only by their clothes have you seen the life you live right i'd give you money to take all of my friends to big it's you are i'm your trophy right yeah you've got a bit of the oh man can i just say as well i've because that natalie gayer that league put in a business yes it's just like

I know it's Danny's money but like I've never seen anyone work so hard on a stag do as well like you've put in and I was like

I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying it because it's Danny's money and I'm getting to just spend it on me mates and it's like

like even though we're really lucky that we get to do once in a lifetime stuff loads of times that's like like even though we're really lucky that we get to do once in a lifetime stuff loads of times that's like

one of the things where like I probably pinch myself all my existence is that like every time you do something fucking cool like play the Palladium

we're going to play it the 10th time on Saturday well you are you're going to play what the 11th the 12th or 24th right so we're going to be

both on 10 during the interval and you can wave that look off your face when we're going to be both on 10 during the interval and you can wipe that look off your face so so like we've been to vegas a couple of times and we'll go again right which is fucking so ridiculous that's how we live yeah because all the way through my 20s i never thought i'd see that place i went when i was 30 but But yeah, I was there. I went to the leisure centre. I'm trying to get out. So like,

this is still like a once in a lifetime thing for another one of my mates and it's just so fucking cool being the person to just provide that. Like, I've just took real joy

in just fucking sorting everyone with a trip to Vegas. And, just all of the credit that's meant to go to you, I'm just getting. Well, but now you know who

I feel like kind of you know off the look of it I'm so beyond fucking lucky to you know earn the money that I am currently earning you know I'm able to have large expenditures and what not and but I mean that's the point of it

like I like you know you get fucking guilt when it comes to this and you're like man I better fucking share this get fucking guilt When it comes to this And you're like Man I better Fucking share this out Like I've gone to To need to

Charity Often I've got to give to Every homeless person I see Like I'll pay for meals And shit Yeah

In a circle I'll whack and run With Jordans on Yeah Fucking Vince Chase I bet that's aged Fucking horrible Oh yeah really bad you know when I first moved in there the house that were in yeah and like hadn't getting set up well like we had net or anything yet but we had like Natalie's fucking TV out of

a room with a DVD player in it and we still had because she still wore for all that DVDs yeah we've got like six in the city box sets that she'll just think they're like oh we just keep with these as family heirlooms at this are you still worn for all the DVDs we've got like six in a sitting box sets that shall just think that like are we just keeping these as family heirlooms at this point aye are you hoping

the DVD players do what the fucking vinyl just done and just come back in 13 years and be really hip have you been like

I will come upstairs and watch some Starship Troopers that's not that's not happening with DVDs like it's not happening

aye man I don't know People get fucking nostalgia For weird ass shit Aye Yeah man Do you reckon cassettes Are expensive?

No but I bet There's people out there Who fucking love cassettes Are they still making Cassettes at any point? Like is anyone Making cassettes? I reckon there are weirdos

That are making cassettes Are you asking If there's companies That are doing it? I absolutely think There are hipster Fucking companies That are producing them right of like modern fucking bands because i think it's when production stops that's when it'll start having value right and i

think like surely surely with vinyl they're just producing loads of vinyl now because it caught on like all vinyls surely all vinyls not right i do not vintage now i don't think they ever stopped printing vinyl that they have no no i don't think they ever stopped printing vinyl. No, no. I think that's the second it came out, everyone being on vinyl was part of it. It's always part of music. So I don't think that's... I've got a few vinyls.

They're quite expensive. Yeah. Because like video games will do them, but they'll do like a limited run. So they'll only produce like 1,000 or 2,000. Was it music from the game or whatever? Yeah. So I've got like a Minecraft one.

Oh, that was nowhere to go. I was expecting like Halo, like the lovely orchestral music. And Final Fantasy, I still got the Blade Runner one, Hotline Miami and stuff. Yo, I've got a... Yo, that's how I start this now.

Yo, dude. Just lean back and make your fucking thing. I don't pretend I have the scope, I super drive. I have the skull, but I'd super dry it. I think that's a post. Yeah, I don't know. I think I'd like to hear this. Can I say it?

What was I going to say when I started with you? If you forget what you're going to say, it's usually a lie. Classic. Now I remember what it is and it's going to sound like a lie I think I've got

like an original Eminem vinyl oh here we yeah Banksy did my first tattoo I just annoyed the town

why do I look like a liar everything I say it's fucking shit maybe the lies I ordered it's when it's you know

when people are like downloading shit off like Nubster you downloaded the vinyl I downloaded maybe the lies i ordered the it's when it's you know when people like downloading off lane where and all that like napster you downloaded the vinyl i downloaded that bit i was burning people's vinyls a really wide really wide desktop pc i uh i was trying to get hold of the infinite album and I couldn't because I'd heard it. I think the third one had come out, the Eminem show had come out. So he was in his absolute fucking peak of his powers.

And I heard about this fucking Infinite album that just wasn't... Is that the one that goes on forever? It's just on a loop. It's just on a loop. Just as repeating itself again. I couldn't find it in HMV. I was asking everywhere about it and I was trying to download it and I eventually fucking found someone selling it Right and it arrived on vinyl and I was gutted because I didn't have a record player

I was a fucking useless piece of shit. I can't even play that And I think it's just it's just got a white label on and it's just got the fucking writing text I think it was one of the ones who was selling out of his car got a white label on and it's just got the fucking writing text on it. I think it was one of the ones who was selling out of his car.

That lady, you know, like, you're just going to run and play in the clubs and you're selling CDs in the back. Such a loser kid

in high school. Why? I've got it, I can show you it. I can back my eye up by trying to find it. I don't know what the original fucking,

like, yeah, but you can get a vital print of fucking white sticker on it. You know, the worst thing

Is because it's just In a black sleeve With no artwork on it Or anything right Oh that's convenient Oh it's my hand rain It's mad Why

Why Why are you Working this off Like this What are you getting Out of this What are you getting Out of making me

You're causing You're making me Make a liar My My adoring Fans Fans quality you know it's a lie you're making a liar my my adoring fans fans look it just might have some value all right i don't know can you google to see if uh yeah what's the wild one is it infinite white label brett's got the same one was he oh well there's

you know what because there's a one You know what? There's one, because I thought I'd misplaced it because you know how I lived at yours for a while at the other house. What?

That was me. That was me. That guy, the really hench guy, the totally ripped guy that would whack around the house and just throw him.

That was me. I was just a feature loose. Thought I lived in a hall of mirrors. Wait, wait, wait. So all those times I've made out with my own reflection. Who's point? That was me cheating on my wife.

Yeah, so I was married in Liverpool. I did live with you when I was married. Did you? For a bit, yeah. Oh, yeah. When we were house hunting. Oh, yeah. I couldn't bring myself to move in with the in-laws.

Because... Because I was Twitch streaming at the time. I didn't want to be eavesdropped doing that. I didn't want the in-laws to hear the stuff I really say. Yeah. On Discogs, the lowest it sold for was £50. The median... I'm going to be rich.

The median is £900. And the highest is £1,500. But there's people in the comments saying that there's a lot of fakes not main so this means doesn't like you sell them anymore does that in case to fake on that website you don't be able to tell like my car is in Are they going to lock me with it? You got one of them cruelty free? I mean, I'm like, no. What would you do if they started making, like, absolutely fucking perfect replicas of Jordans? That, like, those, like...

Oh, me the snob. Oh, God, I don't know. What would you do? I mean, I should. I don't know what I should do. I should just get out there. You know, because, man, to be fair, I don't even think I'd wear a fake Rolex, though,

because I don't want to be the guy that wears... I don't think I'll wear Rolexes. Please don't clip this and play back. Ah, there, there, timestamp this. It's not even going to be 10 years. It's got to be, like, as soon as you're married. Nah, it's not going to be fucking watches. Watches isn't going to be fucking Watches

Watches isn't going to be a thing I'm fucking gutted That you've got us with the Jordans Because I've bought another pair Well no you've bought another pair of Nights I've got the Jordan Lowe's ones The Jordan Lowe's were not fair enough And the True Blue

And they just did a gold flake on the inside Huh? Gold flake on the inside huh? Gold Flake on the inside I didn't even know they did Healy's versions but as far as I didn't know that Jordan did

a crossover with them I can't like because you tell that's dog accident I was just looking like disinterested not for me that you know

just whatever I was just just like just like you're in your third lap of the red light district Just back to That was so funny there When I was in

Have you ever Been with one of these And I was like Why would you ask us that No I just start leaning on a mic stand Like, why would you ask us that? Like, would you? No, I just start leaning on a mic stand. No. No. I couldn't help myself.

I'm going on hold. That's how it is. I'm going on hold. Like, I've got all these new trackies. Why are you laughing at that? Why are you laughing at me when I've got all these new trackies? You think this is the only pair of boots

from ASOS? If you're going to ASOS, get one pair of trackies. I'm not going to critique you on having trackies. I also like bougie trackies. Not good ones. That's all I got to give. Well I mean I'm still talking about being a solo dad. Oh yeah so you were and I got distracted bragging about me, bed-racing me, M&M's

stuff. So what my but the thing is I also want to take Caelan out to do lots of fun things. Learn how to dance? Yeah yeah out to do lots of fun things and then how it does yeah yeah i just saw one of those and it was dance ass revolution machines him doing his first steps on those not film it because carlos says you can just come back and do an irish chick and i'll be like he just learned that just that that was first i was so happy to see you he looks like something off the jib jab up so I can see you he looks like something off the

jib jab app his head stays completely still his body gives him these if it were up to me which it isn't

but I you know canna isn't in a job that's like her it's not her passion

she does it because you know it's the reason why people do jobs because it's money and she needed money,

and work was fucking class. Everyone she worked with is great. They're all very nice to her. I gave her extended maternity leave. They're all fucking lovely, not a bad word. But then I'm also like, I grafted for 10 fucking years, so, you know, that we could be lazy. My hands are like this,

and then your perfectly clean hands are like this. So your hands could be like that. Barely, yeah. I'd in and like, human poo. My perfectly clean, nail bitten hands and her winning one wedding ring, which is a fucking fake diamond. My hands look like this. So yours could look like that. No man, I think if it was her fucking part

I shouldn't go back to work but I feel like she's tapping her new I feel like she I feel like she it has to be it has to be her decision

because you know there will be people out there it's got to be a hard decision because like if she knows she doesn't like

need the income but does want the independence doesn't want to be just dependent on like asking you for money she can fuck off i've got no problem with that she can joke on you today i don't mind it's hey man i don't mind the solo parents but if she goes tuesday's my day off and she hands me kailyn a in the morning she's like i'll be back at six i'll be like cool uh i mean i'll become by your hair done because if you don't I'll have questions but trust you

her hair's all ruffled up in every way perfect no questions just go right remember she's been for a year I could compliment her on her hair

she's got sex hair from all the shagging I'm not going to ask too many questions because if she's going to a fight club I don't want to ask I don't want to make her

lie to me but she's not going to tell me she's going to a fight club, I don't want to make her lie to me. But she's not going to tell me she's going to a fight club. I made Natalie's mum laugh a lot the other day because I heard Natalie coming through the door. I was at my mum and dad's and she'd popped to get her eyebrows done, but I couldn't remember if it was her eyebrows or her nails. Just as I heard her come through the door, I could tell the badger and I was like,

was she getting her eyebrows done or her nails? any else run I bro I just walked back through I just went yeah hi pros are me just to set up is a set of fun at least man who tried to buy tickets for our show in Birmingham and I wasn't damn she got in touch saying it was sold out which congratulations is it well yes okay according to wherever she's trying to buy her tickets from, Viva Google. I don't want anything like that, because I believe I owe Armain an apology.

Really? Ugh. Oh, it's not sold out, because Ticketmaster's turning people away. But she tried to buy tickets, because we've always stared our way from coming to my show. You're a show. You heard it right.

That was Freud. Coming to see me in any capacity. Because I talk differently in front of Natalie's parents. I'm still me. I use decorum. I'm a different version of me. You talk to them like you do if you were asked to do Radio 4. I'm never talking about Natalie mopping up Spunk with a sock in front of them.

It would ruin Christmas. So I've got a very different different thing and she tried to get tickets and then I was like I can probably put them on the door but like I don't want

these two lives to cross it would be like I feel like it would be the equivalent of Natalie having an OnlyFans and then me dad wanting to like

sign up to it and like just let her do her thing man like you're just going to need a different look on me lads as well I just want to support my daughter in law

it's a bit like I just want to show her like I want to be our first because then if you're first need this different look at me that's just i just want to support my daughter and look it's a bit like that just i just want to show like i want to be our first because then if you're fresh you get the good stuff as well sorry but i did interrupt you when you're going somewhere um well no no so just the fact that like you know canada's got to make this choice and i've got to not be you know i can can't steer it in any direction because that would make me a bastard even though I do have a fucking but that's why I'm enjoying the little excursions I like to do because I'm just like mother, I'm like

taking loads of foes, most foes I've ever taken to my son, just to be like sending them through, be like oh he's having so much fun at Jimboree yeah right he could be, he are here one of our friends got like recent success, well-deserved, and his wife quit her job. And you and Cara went over to see them.

And they just pitched it perfectly for you. It's like they'd made that decision ahead of you guys. Oh, well, my most normal, nice, kind-hearted people are just like, well, I mean, obviously, if I could do, do, do, you know, do any, any mother, I think, well, I want to speak on behalf of mothers here, but I think a lot of mothers would have given the opportunity to just, you know, have full time off for the first years of their kids life so they could be there the whole time with the option to go back to work later on would always take that option. I think that's a fair assumption to make

though I'm sure there's very many valid reasons if not pitchforks I forgot my point they were coming from me it's just a difficult decision to make because I get the psychological the pockets

there's those people who don't care and are very encouraged to be like just do it you do have the judgy bastards who because things are unhappy in their life

are just going to fucking say mumble things under their breath I'm glad I'm only in a position where I can be like I can keep you baby

if we move to Blythe yeah yeah hey you want that life you want that fucking life you want that life we'll go somewhere it's £1.90 a pint

Yeah baby I'll get you I'll get you a pink helmet For the quad bike You'll love it You'll love it Honestly Every Saturday

You and me We'll go paintballing You'll get good You'll like it No You'll skate on horn You'll get used to it Trust me it's client

Toughen up So I'm about to take this Podcast to A whole new low without taking off topic at all have you got life insurance

yes aye yeah because I've started looking into that lately just because I've stopped smoking

yeah can you give us that now put it on the application stopped smoking it's just like fucking something

like that stopped smoking I was a non-smoker I haven't had a cigarette since November what smoke it's just like fucking someone like that stopped smoking i was not smoking i haven't had cigarettes since november what it was back here in the spliff that we had in uh amsterdam yeah so you still smoke you still fucking vape you're about to go you're about to go to fucking vegas

for a week you're about to smoke five packs minimum no i'm not yeah I bum a handful of people yeah hi there you fucking go how many cigarettes have you been and also there's no way you haven't bummed fags

since November no but hold on when was the when was the have a word arena show December

I had a cigarette with Jojo then that was the one I've had since November non-smoker fucking I get it right cigarette with Jojo then. That was the one I've had since November. Non-smoker. Fucking. I get it, right? I get it that if he was saying that you're straight and I'd buy but like you suck your dick the other week.

Aye. You buy. So I'm nothing non-smoker. You buy. I'm buy. Yeah. I'm a buy smoker. No you... But I'm more, more, I'm definitely more smoker No you But I'm more I'm definitely more Smoker Yeah

But not Yeah only if we take a Frameshot of the last Fucking three months If we take a frameshot Of your actual Physical lunch If we were to look at

The last 15 years Of your fucking life How many years Of those have you been a smoker Probably like 50-50 50% of the time I've got a cigarette In my hand 50% of the time I've got a cigarette in my hand

and 50% of the time I haven't. So like every three minutes. Because I had to, I had the health insurance lady fucking came right, so my fucking, my,

I did it through my accountant. I've done it through Matty. He used to be an accountant. No, he's a financial advisor and he deals in it, but it's quick.

Oh yeah, that's right. I'm in my financial advisor. So my financial advisor is going to encourage me to get it done. And I put in that I was a non-smoker and that when it said drug use,

I was like, well, I think they mean cocaine and like fucking pills and shit. So I put none and I phoned him up and I was like, man, I'm not going to lie to you. I smoke lots of weed and I've probably got no intention of like stopping for a long time any time.

So I'll just pay him off. They're just still paying. And he's like, how much? And I'm like, man, just know a bunch. Like more, like an amount they should know about. And then the lady came round to the house to do my blood pressure and check everything. And I was obviously

stoned for it. She was like, and the drug use? And I'm like, ongoing. Ongoing. She was like, yeah,

pulse is pretty high. And I'm like, it's like just pulling up for car insurance and you're like, and by the way, I never wear a belt. No.

Otherwise people would see the Lacoste. So, got a fucking wrist guard. I'd rather die. When I was in school, right, I had these polo shirts with, like, a little shark on and had a little shark, right? And the first time I saw somebody with a Lacoste with a crocodile, I thought this was the thing. And I took that piss and I've got on a crocodile. Swear to fuck.

Add a stripe over here. Three stripes, pants on, add a stripe. That was because add a stripes normally fall if I'm wearing the three add a stripe would be the fall. But if I'm mocking someone for having three stripes and call them adder stripe,

that means I think two stripes, the original. It didn't seem like you got it. I did not. I'm glad I dissected that frog. And you learned more about it, but it also died for you. So, right. I'm going to excavate this

because we're onto something and I start talking about the shark for a reason the cost of seatbelt

insurance life insurance I'm not even high this is just getting old the I actually

had a huff with Natalie over a two belt leg had an actual huff. Big old bread.

Fucking jeans. I had a huff with a cigarette. She brought it over three or four days. First by text when she got the documents through and all that. Then once I saw it, I brought it up again. I was like, do you want us to just put smoke out and start smoking? I actually did. I was like, I'll put smoke out if you want us to just put smoke out and start smoking I actually bit I was like

I'll put smoke out if you want if you want us to put smoke out I'll do that such a toddler react I think the main part I guess I'll just smoke it and die

and buy you cigarettes then if you think I'm a smoker she laughed she laughed that way through me she laughed until I stopped huffing she made me a cup of coffee

she made me a cup of coffee. She had me a cup of coffee. I love a coffee, you see, right? But I was like, I'll put it, I'll pay the extra, I'll put smoker,

but I'm not going to do that if I'm not smoking. If I'm not smoking, I'll just start smoking. Then she's like, you see, she opened it with this.

And then I was like, I have a huff now, so I'm going to stop talking because that's not smoke. I'll just start smoking. And then she's like, you see, she's helping him with this. And then I was like, I have a huff now, so I'm going to stop talking because that's not helpful. And I sat down and cried a lot, not even on my phone. Giving your wife

the silent treatment, not in the huff. I'm not talking. I'm just not talking to you or looking at you you fucking five year old that was so funny

like if you'd been a fly on a wall you would have just seen it just going well I know how to deal with this just gonna smile

and just gonna go uh huh I'm gonna figure out how much of a dick he's being so I'm calling abuse but it was funny

she defused it pretty quick is this why I haven't had a cigarette man I made his laugh but so I've got this this

should we just people can just stop listening to the podcast if they want to hear this type of life insurance but I've got this... People can just stop listening to the podcast if they want to hear this talk about life insurance. Okay. But I've already got a deal with Gav, right, where... This is going to be so good. It's like an actual deal.

It's a contract as life insurance. I just made it sound cooler. I've got a deal with Gav that when the other person dies, the other person has to get there as soon as possible and put the other person's organs on the black market. Our wives will never clear it, but we think that's the most way to get the most money out of our business. And even the black market's looking at me like he's going, he definitely smokes.

I'm going to be like, $50 for the smokers, like. You just wake up from your accident just absolutely choking for a cigarette so in regard to like I've just been paying like a fucking 10 hour one forever right

and it's like the price of the mortgage was 120 thousand right and it's like whichever one dies first

gets 120 thousand whoever dies first the other one gets it. And that's what the policy is. And it doesn't matter what's left on the house. You're getting the initial mortgage value and everything. And then Matt is trying to do a deal with Natalie, with me and Natalie, and it's twice as much money

and it diminishes as your term goes down, so it just pays off your mortgage and I'm just there but I've got one for half the price for that and he's like

I lose values loads less and then I was like and I was like but like still it's going down so that should compensate for the fact that

it doesn't stay because like as soon as half like the thing is paid off then I'm going to still be paying that amount

for less money and I'm like if it was just a normal insurance guy I would just be like oh okay thank you

because it's Matty I'm like even though this is your profession that you've been doing all your life I'm going to and he's like

I got you got that deal when you were like 20 no one expected you to die within the term until you're literally an elderly man

and I'm just trying to bother him dude mate I'm not in a huff I'm just talking to you mate you just didn't understand I don't smoke

click it show that babe though there's way a bit coming to smoke yes oh yeah I'm a smoker but not though I'm in crisis

why do they need it it's so binary why do they need like on a form like something like that Not though. I'm in crisis. Why do they need it? It's so binary. Why do they need, like, on a form like something that they go, you smoke, I'm not. So do you know what the fuck you're insuring for

if you're doing something that's going to kill you? Mind your own beeswax. That's how many times I wank as well. It ain't no business here. Just fucking, if I die,

give us money. How much? Aye. Well, you have to know how many times you wank, because if you wank four times a day, it increases your lifespan by 15 minutes. So if you're wanking heaps, they're like, oh,? Well, you have to know how many times you wank, because if you wank four times a day, it increases your life span by 50 minutes.

So, if you're wanking heaps, they're like, oh, that was... Now, can't switch an offset against the cigarettes. Yeah, well, that's why it's important to put both down. My son had to go and get his one-year-old champs today, which, for some reason, and do me well well i'm not here to criticize vaccinations

right i that's how they all start their sentences look look i'm all for it i think it's we live in a miraculous time where they can just go blah blah blah blah and just your kid won't get any of the diseases that's killed 90 of the babies for the past 2000 years. I think that's amazing. So good. Right. Every time he's got them so far, they've been as good as they can be, making sure it's nice and clean, doing it as fast as they can, get them straight back on the boob, make sure he's not in too much pain. Last time he got them, he was about three months old. That was fucking years. He's been more conscious, but more fucking present. So is it the booster injection no this one was like

fucking mumps eh MRSA MGMA NWA YFCA YMCA

just all the yeah loads of and at one point just a tin of alphabet soup right and they were like

just for safekeeping and he just advertised it all because he's got autism now from them aye I'm so glad that we've got these injections four

four two in each legs two in each legs four two in each leg aye stick it in one needle I don't know the science

and I know I don't know the science right I'm aware of that but then I'm almost certain you can just put it in one fucking needle surely you can put it in one needle no but that's instead of being lopsided is it not just like if you could just put it in one fucking needle. Surely you could put it in one needle. No, but that's instead of being lopsided.

Is it not just like if you go- Alright, put it in two needles. Why is it four? What are you- Come on, man. Be reasonable. How many times are you going to nip this kid? Oh, right.

Because I've just kept staring at him. Ah, it's like that one ounce, then that one ounce, then that one ounce, then that one ounce. Four- There's every tear you just- Pssst. Pssst. Pssst. Pssst.

Throw a bit of bombs in. Pssst. Pssst.'s what you inflate a baby I thought you said this wouldn't give them autism No idea what autism is I don't know, I've heard it before I think autistic people alphabetise It's such a broad, broad description And everyone's just claiming to have it nowadays as well It's becoming fashionable really surely how can you not how can you not make those jags up what's

that do it's going to the same bloodstream come on it's not going to different veins they're not changing their yeah remember let's get some of the scientists because this is how i believe science works i believe all scientists their job is to just provide for the the world and you just take people off projects so you can be like all right use trying to save the pandas take some time out over here where we're getting this fixed this has come you know solve cancer or whatever yeah stop trying to fold mobile phones yeah that's we don't need to fold mobile phones but what we do need scientists to know how to figure out how to fold phones all of you working on the next Kindle this one's actually done

this is it you know what it's actually been this way for 15 years and it's not bad can you come over here and do a better job on hearing aids

what do you mean it's not a certain qualification what do you mean but like you've got the ability to learn yeah I you've got to apply yourself right

so apply yourself over here get it down to one jack or a pill I Aye. You've got to apply yourself. Right, so apply yourself over here. Get it down at one jag. Or a pill. Aye. A pill. Massive pill.

Would you rather have a big pill than get jagged? Oh, yeah. Swallow a big pill? Oh, yeah. When I was on the Alpha Brain Pills League, I used to struggle swallowing them. God, man. If I'd written that for a character in a sitcom, I would have

taken the rest of the day off. When I was taking alpha-brained pills, I usually found them hard to swallow. What a fucking beta thing to say. Jesus. I was impressionable. I was young, I was impressionable. Joe Rogan hadn't been filmed out. Jesus. I was impressionable. I was impressionable.

Joe Rogan hadn't been phoned out. I didn't get his kettlebells. I signed up on the brain pills. Sounds like they worked then. You didn't buy the fucking kettlebell. He started taking them like

I'm not going to buy any more of your broken stuff nothing can be a barren indictment for this belt they'd be able

to work they'd be able to be the cognizant of choice to never buy from that one other girl oh that's funny

god if he ever meets me at a club he's going to kick my fucking ass I bet he's there nice I reckon he'd be there nice he's so supportive of all their comics he's going to kick my fucking ass. I bet he's dead nice. I reckon he'd be dead nice. He's so supportive of all their comics.

He's helped so many other comedians with their careers. Yeah. He loves comedy. And so many charlatans. It's true. Let anyone in. Come on through, guys. I've opened this door.

Come on in. You should be like, you, you, not you. Not you. Stay there. Probably a rapist. When was the last time you got jabbed right obviously the vaccine

oh yeah oh yeah of course god but like where are all those people that were like hey

yous are all getting massaged out you're not gonna fucking die where are those people now let's find them let's find them

and see what their new theory is be like oh you remember when you're not going to fucking die where are those people now let's find them let's find them and see what their new theory is be like oh you remember when you said I was definitely going to die well here's me and all my mates

who aren't dead yeah so I saw like loads of people loving jumping on the narrative that like people were having heart attacks at football

matches and you know like because they kept like stopping the game for it and like I saw my mate who works in like St. John's

Ambulance and does first aid at the matches going no they just never used to stop the game for it and like I saw my mate who works in like St John's Avalanche and does first aid at the matches going no they just never used to stop the game for it like we're fucking constantly dealing

with shit that's going on in the stands all the time we just never used to like also there's no if you've seen football fans

won a game and a mum is having a fucking heart attack they have to have 50 yards losing plus in the stadium and then they look

at the look at the lifestyle of 99% of the people that support sports not athletes aye nah

they're there to watch the young boys be athletes did you see on twitter for like a week there was all the republicans

tweeting a video and it was just like this 50 year old woman very terribly acting that she was like shaking and unable to walk and that's because she just had the vaccine but it's like so choke of like like like an eva genital what do you call them like christians that are like released

fdm like people like this is what i've seen does because you missed it no i don't go right I guess he missed it I'll tell you what now I'm a believer oh Jesus the Lord has saved you thank God we got whatever that was in you the Lord cleansed you

of bad chat ouch but what I wanted to talk about Before talking about Your last vaccine Like before Before the vaccine BCG

Is that a thing of the past? Aye You didn't get one did you? So you don't have a belly button On your arm? What's that? It's like everyone's got a BCG scar TV jab

With tobacco locusts Oh man So it was You messed yours I need tobacco locusts have a belly button on your arm what's that it's like everyone's got a bcg job it's a bike oh man so it was you missed yes i need to add it to where it closes i'm pretty used to smack each other in the arm no it used to start that it would start the year to get the set the six pinpoint uh-huh yeah the flower prick so they'd uh put these six spikes on your wrist and then i think if they flared up or if they didn't play something meant that you needed the fucking vaccine it was like 95 of the kids and then one day at school you were just all taken out of class you're led to the fucking gym and you all got this job and like in our school there was like five fucking fainting couches for like all the kids scared of the needles and then you just went and every single one of the teachers sat you down it was

like uh not the rest teachers sorry the nurses were like this is gonna swell it's gonna get sore in the next couple days it's gonna like get pussy and it's gonna get scabby and then you're gonna put scab it's gonna be more pussy under there do not pick the scab and don't let anything like hit it don't pick it with a compass oh man and then you'd walk out of this thing and the one thing that just like do not like do any like hard damage to it and you come out and all the second years don't tell me that your fifth years and sixth years are like oh my god that's why all the scars are big like i'm pretty sure if you were just if you were homeschooled right and you got that jab which i don't really really normally cross this over if you're homeschooling you probably don't believe in vaccines but like

maybe there's a Venn diagram there like in that crossover you think that dad would still give the kid a dead arm just because there's

no one else there today no no I think in that scenario maybe that person doesn't have a scar on their arm but everyone else

has this massive fucking scar up there mum's got one dad's one, grandpa would have had one but now there's a generation and it's his generation lower they just never have those it's like a generation not having a belly button aye

it says it was replaced in 2005 because the rates are low in the UK so they just target it specifically for people that are prone to it pieces of shit as well you mentioned people picking up their compass so they just target it specifically for people that are prone to it. Pieces of it. Brutal. And as well, you mentioned people picking with their compass.

People in your school used to give themselves tattoos with the compass point. They dipped it in fucking pen ink. And then I think, what made the schools, they shoot compasses? Surely you need the kids to not have weapons to self-harm with or hurt people with less than you need them to draw a circle. God, it really shows you what kind of school you went to. I think a lot of people's understanding of schools is like, there's a place where kids go to learn. It's not just like, I came here and I've got violent tendencies.

And it wouldn't even be your enemies. You'd just be like, I've got a sharp thing. And you're there. Bam. I get your point. But then again, kids would do with anything. We used to, like with rulers, if you could fucking snap those things,

like nothing else off of people's legs, like really bruise the back of the leg. And also, if you didn't do that, whenever we did swimming in school, all that happened was the second the showers were on, it was just slapping

each other's backs. Kids are going to find... Yeah, the PE teachers in there whipping his toe and all that, that sort of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Smacking your bum in that. Spitting on his hand. Trying to get his chest in that. Stuff like that in school, eh? Yeah.

Yeah. That's why I want to be a PE teacher. I don't know, I want to be a PE teacher I don't know I go I want to be a PE teacher I think it's hard to achieve

I had this man I fucking any PE teachers watching this coming after you I've got friends who are PE teachers

now easy rain for them Hannah what's that um I used to chew up Bits of paper And take the Inside of your pen out And spit

Paper Spit balls Spit balls through your pen We used to get elastic bands And you'd unfold Paper clips All the way Except for one hook on the end

And that was Fucking Lethal That could really Really hurt Like we got told off Dennis the Minnesotan clips all the way except for one hook on the end and that was fucking lethal that could really really hurt like we got told off Dennis the Minotaur what did you get that for? the teacher just pinned the wall

hey boys we find you know when you're doing in physics you get the pendulums you like measuring like where you let go and where it ends up and fucking perpetual motion

or whatever perpetual motion that's not what pendulums mean but these little lead weights were funny the suspended ceiling the ceiling

just going through just leave a hole where they used to be and the teacher would come in just like where's all the pendulums going just going on that just leave a hole where they used to be and the teacher would come in and just be like where's all the pennies I've got and just see this perforating

and they were I haven't brought them yet it was very dissonant to the gods it was so funny fucking shitty dude

they had to use it To get a handful Of toilet roll And just fucking Slap them on the wall As well Oh yeah But that was like

In the toilets It was a primary school thing The first Oh man The first kid That was like That was a That was a moment

That would be akin To the discovery of fire Just with like The feeling of it When like one kid Just came out With like a handful Of toilet paper

Put it under the water and then threw it at the ceiling and then just 20 other kids watch it and just like process it and they're like oh my god they just go through a software update and their eyes start flickering and they're like what I'm doing that as well I went home and did it

I remember my mum fucking screwed me over you did it in the house you mad bastard you mad bastard I got some crazy bits there none of them went

yeah we just fucking I thought why save him for school you can do this in any bar oh mate

households have to meet their kids so half the time I'm going to smack them and clip the cunts No I never dreamed of that Slip ass coming in

She told me My dad's slip ass coming off Straight across the back of my hand She told me She told me off once And then it was done And then again You know

But I was like Mother you gotta see this I can't believe you and dad Have been doing this What bam! You think I can't join in? What's going on? What are you doing?

100%. What are you doing? Unless we get some pisses out of it. Pisses? Hold on, we've added we've added steps here. Oh, I used to do that. Piss off the pit

I'll chuck it to the ceiling Bonson Burnas What? Bonson Burnas Bons Bunsen Bunsen Isn't that Fox Bunsen?

Is that the name of someone who created a flame? Piers Bosnes. P.S. Bonson. Mad Bonson. Did the man that created Man's Red Files? We've got his name. I don't know what the words are saying, mate. Bonson Berner.

Bonson Berner. You don't know what one is? I don't yet. The fire thing. Aye. Robert Bonson. Aye. What did he create?

The Bonson Burners. Surely that's just... Oh, right. I see what you're saying. Robert Bunsen Aye what did he create? The Bunsen Primate Surely that's just Oh right I see what you're saying I thought they just tried to leave the person who created the fire I was like that's existed for years Like we had that We're cooking meat as primates Aye

Like a lot of old scientists He was German and he Investigated emission spectra of heat elements, discovered cesium and rubidium. So he created the device that manipulated the fire. I also think Bunsen is the name of the other Muppet for Beaker and Bunsen, isn't it? Is it? Or is it Professor Bunsen? I thought Beaker was in Lord Wolf.

Oh, he's got the fucking bald speck. You can't win him. Yeah, Dr Professor Bunsen? I thought Peter was in Lord Wolf. No, he's got the fucking bald speck. You can't win him. Yeah, Dr. Bunsen. Thank you. Dr. Bunsen. Ryan Cullen. First thing I did when they come into class, right, is to fucking get the Bunsen burner.

Like, I'll make sure you wear your girls for the Bunsen burner. I'm like... And then just melt the legs together. I kind of put them on. Oh, put them on sir can I get the email on who knows how it happened we've got a Patreon to do oh shit we're going to answer your questions let's leave these tight cunts behind

you can sign up and listen don't want you listen to the questions be answered and then we do it every month so you can ask questions next month if you want.

I need to send some posters out as well and we've got to do some thank you dads aren't we? We need to thank Not me, not I. I'll thank you

if that's what you wanted weren't it? How you doing? Done smoker? I'm down as a smoker I knew I was and I didn't throw a tantrum about it either.

And don't eat chocolate fucking cake screw you Kiko right we're going to fight off the podcast and then we'll see you back for question and answer actually it's already out if you're watching this

it's already out because we're recording them in the wrong order so how about that