Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.21 The One Before Vegas

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

This one was recorded before Vegas with the best intentions of posting on the Wednesday we were out there but let's just say things went south and no-one was gonna be sat at a laptop doing admin. The first of the post vegas episodes recounting the trip has been recorded and is live on Patreon, you can get it on here from Wednesday. You'll be happy to know we're still alive and piecing our lives back together. 

Hello podcast listeners and viewers, thank you very much for tuning in to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road. This is, I'm not sure when this comes out, we're basically pre-recording a bunch of episodes because obviously my stag do is tomorrow at this point in time. We're going to be away for a week, we'll probably need a bit to recover afterwards, so we've recorded a bunch of episodes ahead. This doesn't involve Kai, this is me and Cullen on this one. this doesn't involve Kai, this is me and Cullen on this one I mean, I think it's a funny episode but I think there's also a lot of fucking

dead air because we're just I mean it's less than 24 hours before we fly it's just this sort of impending sense of death and danger but also excitement and fun and stuff I mean don't get wrong

it's still a good episode funnier than anything you and your mates could do you think you'd do fucking better you could say oh fucking podcast

fucking dare you oh I don't think I'm saying good episode fuck off then fuck off then don't know subscribe give us your money

go on go on go on we're going to Vegas tomorrow I promise you from now on we're not going to spend your money on Vegas

that I can guarantee. Go on. Keep your money. Ta. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro.

Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles Accidental rent job in the park

Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia Where have you been since 9-11? So you bought some dollary-doos, didn't you? Bought some dollary- Yeah, I hate it I hate the phrase buy money

Why? It doesn't make sense to me But you are buying money I'm not buying money You're like like I'll buy $250 off of you for 245 quid

and they're like yen hold on what? the Americans told me a lot of it if it was we're going to Wuhan

have you ever touched Australian money? yes that's I don't know how that wasn't immediately introduced A lot of it was, we're going to Wuhan. Have you ever touched Australian money? Yes. I don't know how that wasn't immediately introduced to the rest of the world the second they did it. I can't even remember it. It's plastic and it's almost impossible to tear, like, unless you, like, bite it with your teeth. It's waterproof. It's just the most convenient money in the world.

It's... What? But why does it need to be, like, waterproof? In case you go surfing, you know? it's it's just the most convenient money in the world it's what? but why does it need to be like water proof? in case you go surfing you know it rains it's such an Australian thing no but like

you put it through the washing machine money goes in your pocket all the fucking time like it's like why are we you know how much money

are we losing every year you know to to water damage you can launder their money literally yeah yeah

great yeah and that's a joke that's never been made are you joking that's not my joke I don't eh

yeah em that's yeah I'm going to leave now yeah no I think it's that's a superb oil that we're talking about

I think eh I think it's I think it's excellent because I mean what's then again then it's bad for the environment

then if you drop your money it blows away into the ocean right fucking dolphin thinks it's you for the environment. Then, if you drop your money, it blows away into the ocean. Right? Fucking dolphin thinks it's, you know, some sort of... Fuck money? Yeah. Right?

It's only ever watched Scarface, where it tries to snort the... It tries to snort the note. It doesn't understand the movie. It didn't know that it was snorting the white powder. It's a dolphin. What do you expect? It doesn't get our art.

Our art. Hi. a dolphin what do you expect it doesn't get our art um our art hi i've been listening to a podcast about people trying to talk to dolphins because obviously dolphins we know they communicate with each other and we know they make sounds to each other and different sounds means different things and it's all these fucking hippies back in the 60s just be like i'm gonna live and i think the best way to study a dolphin wouldn't be to like go out and find a pod and then go back there every day and then

hope that they turned up I think the best thing we'll do would be to like flood a house a third of the

way and then just get a baby dolphin and then I'll have a bed on stilts five feet above the water and I'll

just spend all day with a dolphin this is not this just happened in the 60s a woman lived with a dolphin a partially flooded not, this just happened in the 60s. A woman lived

with a dolphin. A partially flooded house. Partially, but it was up to, she was away, she had a desk there and like when she was typing up all of her findings from like a typewriter that hung from the ceiling all of her findings of dolphins because she was trying to teach English. I can't tell if you're taking that fucking piss out of me.

I'm not, I'm not. A half flooded house Yeah Yeah And here's the thing Here's the thing Here's the thing That really stood out to me

She was like So I'm in there In the half flooded house You know It's up to my waist While I'm typing away And we've got the balcony as well Which is also flooded

I'm like Fucking that's a strong balcony Like Aye Aye Aye But Hey look

This was in the 60s This is when they just let like Hippies do science As opposed to scientists He's laughing He sees it But like you're trying to tell me That's so unsent

Let's just see if a dolphin can live like a human Let's see how dolphins live That's the fun thing about middle ground science Where they're like hey look Most of this is still just guessing Have we tried have we tried have we tried talking to tarantulas

in braille right give me 50 grand and I'll see if spiders understand the blind spectrum lads give me enough time and I reckon

I can teach this kangaroo Morse code this was the 60s this was science in the 60s man just a bunch of people being like

I'm gonna give I'm gonna give LSD to every type of animal I'm gonna give LSD to like i'm gonna give i'm gonna give lsd to every type of animal i'm gonna give lsd to people i'm gonna give lsd to cars because we've just got loads of lsd so she's living in this house with his fucking dolphin trying to teach her english because again like i i which sounds so fucking stupid there's like surely you try and understand the dolphin yeah as we do you're not being like you know there's no other blow holes aren't made for making noise like like the noises we make i reckon they could make fart noises they

make fart noises yeah yeah yeah yeah like don't even run i mean like i i think we would get on with them on a night out yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um i just just I mean you know what the fuck would a dolphin have to say exactly my point what if the goal is to

talk to dolphins let's say we do what the fuck who gives a shit what are they gonna say yeah yeah they're gonna be like it's weird

they're like it's weird that you guys don't talk to the human beings who live on the bottom of the ocean and we're like what what

you're what like that's the only way it'd be worth it On the bottom of the ocean And we were like What What That would be You're What Like that's the only way It'd be worth it And then he'd go back Into the water Chat to the little adult mates Got him good

Yeah oh man They Absolutely done him Yeah Tell you what boys They've given up They've given up on Mars I tell you that for free

They're going down Stupid pieces of shit I reckon the Japanese Would stop going for them Yeah If they start speaking English It doesn't matter actually Because they wouldn't understand them

No No I Well I blame the Japanese But you know The whale hunters You know what I'm saying

It's also like They don't hunt dolphins Do they Yeah Yeah yeah And for sharks They like just cut off the fins And then throw them

Because the fins are what's made for the zoom and they just throw the rest of the shit out because you're a horrible bad man what a fucking brutal oh it's just so it's just so fucking evil to cut off the fins and be like well I'm not going to eat the rest of it throw it back into the wild

we are the fucking worst I tell you what I love I love cow feet could not tell you, not tell you what I love. I love cow feet. Could not tell you. No, not even cow feet. I love calves' calves. So what I want you to do is always grow a bunch of calves in a field. And then when they're around about eight months old,

I want you to cut only their calves off. Only their calves off. And then release them back into the field. You know, to lie on their side, I guess, until that bit of the field runs out of grass and then they start I

I'm numb I'm numb they're called fins because it's the fucking end for them so so weird they just grow back

don't they push them off alright that's but then again Weird here There's so many other things It's like

This is why I would never be able To be in charge of the world Because I do have Like I would I would just ban Certain types of food Right All of you

And this might come across As I think We started with all of you So This might come across Well no no Like for

I mean I'll start at fucking home, right? Mint, get that out of everything bar toothpaste and fucking mouthwash. Okay, I can drop a head out. Get it off a lamb. What are you fucking, shut up. Mint sauce, gone, binned. You know what, we're getting rid of marmalade.

A fucking shite. Yeah, we're getting rid of marmalade. A fucking shite. Yeah, we're getting rid of marmalade. Not having it, that's... It's for farmers. It's not on. Like, really, really processed... Americans, processed meat and your shitty cheese, we're getting rid of that.

You're going to get on board with real cheese, or fuck off, or just make it a nation that doesn't like cheese. Up your dairyry game. Aye. Oh, man. We were hanging out with Jeffrey Asmus

who's this great comedian from Wisconsin and he was like, Wisconsin's got good cheese and we were like, none of America has good cheese. You don't know

how to make cheese. And he's like, well, that can't be true. We're the best in the country. We're like, I have no doubt it's the best cheese in the country

in the worst cheese making country in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you try it? Yeah, it's crap doubt it's the best cheese in the country. In the worst cheese making country in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you try it? Yeah, it's crap. It's just all rubbery. It's like all their other fucking cheese. It's just rubbery and shit.

They don't have matured cheddar. They don't have shit that crumbles in your fucking... It's just... Yeah, yeah. They haven't got a fucking notion. Oh, it's just... Oats. Disgusting oats.

That's all. Oh, yeah. Porridge. That can go... It's just such a base. Yeah, yeah. I think if you're starving and that's all there is, fine. But if you have access to Coco Pops and you're choosing to eat oats.

Aye. Fuck off, man. Fuck off. Even people, you can only put sugar in it and then you may as well just. And that's barely bearable if you put sugar in it. And if you're on that fire, you may as well just buy the sugaryable if you put sugar in it and if you go on that far you may as well just buy the sugary it's the amount of ratio that 13 year olds

anyone under the age of 13 and my fiance the amount of sugar they will put on Weetabix have you seen these people where it's like it's a Weetabix and then an almost exact sugar replica on a Sweetabix on top of you

a sweetabix fuck off so if I'm getting rid of all those foods right from all these fucking

you know white countries where the food's not the best thing there right stop eating birds that are still in eggs

that's also gone I can't I'm not come on now let's be reasonable so you mean you'm not Come on now Let's be reasonable So you mean Not just chatting about eggs in general No no no

No no I'm willing to admit that like I wish I liked eggs Okay right I wish I liked I'm talking about when there's the whole chicks You know when like Yeah I've seen that

Parts of China and stuff Where it's just like Yeah no Pickled Fucking egg Chicken feet Bird feet Can't be eating that man No No I'm not Can't eat dogs and stuff where it's just like the pickled fucking bird fetus can't be eating that man

no, can't eat dogs not allowed to eat dogs and by the way if you made me look into that argument why and then asked me to justify why I'm still allowed to eat pigs, I would get uncomfortable and call you a loser because there's no answer to that but in the western world

not everything needs an answer it does not everything needs an answer. It does. Not everything needs an answer. No, no, Matt, there is a very... There is a valid argument to be made when people go, right, if we're complaining about the Chinese eating dogs, then we're not allowed to eat pigs.

Pigs are as intelligent as dogs, right? It's literally just what we're used to you know it's like pigs pigs are very intelligent well I don't know about that and the man they are

but is this this whole thing like oh you know how you know dolphins are nearly as intelligent as humans and you're just like nah they're not

man they keep dying eating cans of lilt yeah aren't that fucking smart well I I they breathe air and live in water I'm like come on lads They keep dying eating cans of lilt Yeah Well I They breathe air and live in water I'm like come on lads Come on boys

That's not smart That's just you're born with a little bit of a You know Oh well look at this vast vast ocean That I can only explore the surface of They're like You know they're like chimpanzees They're just about a wee bit off us

And I'm like well they're all locked up aren't they How long do you reckon a dolphin can hold it's breath for Out or in water Well In outer space How long do you think a dolphin can hold it's breath I'm going to say 28 minutes

I think that's way too long I think it's 7 10 minutes but it's been recorded up to 20 10 minutes is the average we'll give you yours then did we tell you when we were they still never found our dolphin

oh your little game what's his name flipster no sorry spudwin no sorry Spud Spudwin no Spudwin anything else that can be slightly dod

the artful dodger the artful dodger echo the artful dodger echo's a good one yeah Fungi Fungi

that's it yes aye never found him country's never country hasn't not run like tourism's gone to

Fuck in the Dingle region Yeah Or maybe he just Was like It is mad that there's No other dolphins here Maybe This is reason

Maybe I should This is absolutely Fucking shit this I should Daunt her on God I had a question But it's gone

what were we talking about before we were talking about dolphins mostly oh yeah oh that was a yes when we were all in Hawaii back in like

I think it was 2019 we were going out on our catamaran we booked to go out and it was meant to be like we have the catamaran here now

what do you mean you don't know what a catamaran is? It's a sea vessel that is like two large long canoes with perpendicular

slats there and then it's a boat on sort of big massive fucking skis Sorry I know that, I don know what that's what you call them you used to have to build them you used to have to build them yeah well you used to have to make them out of two canoes for like kids and shit when you were doing that

adventure park thing when you were a kid you used to have to make them you're chatting about just chatting like the wooden boards across it yeah kind of yeah but I can't remember if it was like a big real boat version of that. Aye, aye. Aye, aye.

So we were out on one of those. And, well, and it was booked as like a dolphin, dolphin seeing trip. We're going to go out and see if we can see some dolphin, right? We're going to spend all this money. And Cara's so excited because Cara's a Disney princess who believes that she's going to see a dolphin and she's going to learn its name. She's a Disney princess.

She is. That's the world. She lives it. Man, she goes to fucking... First time we were out in Time... No, not Times Square. Central Park in New York. She bought a hot dog or a pretzel

and was feeding the birds and I turned around and a bird was eating out of her hand. She has an affinity with animals. She prefers them to human beings unless that human being is our son. eating out of her hand she's just she has an affinity with animals she prefers them to human beings unless that human being is our son

but I'm I'm an expectation manager right so I'm like I'm like Cara like it's gonna be fun

no matter what like it would be nice to see dolphins but let's understand that we're probably not gonna see dolphins they got better things to do than follow

a fucking boat like you know how many dolphins they have better things to do than follow a fucking boat they've got better things to do than follow a boat they've got fucking bags

technical bags to choke on they show off a lot in fairness yeah they do yeah when they see they do backflips

they do that for us if there's fucking 14 of these tours a day the dolphins aren't hitting every fucking boat no not a chance yet

and Cara's like what are you talking about we'll see them. And I'm like, it would be amazing if we saw them. I would love it. I'm on your side. I think it'd be so good

if we were to see them, but it's just, it's unlikely, but just remember, if not, we'll still have fun. Seven minutes into being on the boat, a pod of dolphins

with like four baby dolphins started diving. I am talking two feet in front of the boat. Like she was able to physically hang over the edge and like see these baby dolphins almost within touch. And she was just sobbing. And I'm like, I'm just a big fun sponge. You need to manage your expectations.

Just being like, okay, Caelan, I know you're five years old, but just to manage expectations. Santa had a rough year. Because daddy got cancelled in January Because somebody caught him playing Hogwarts Legacy So Times are tough already Santa's not real

When did you find out Santa was real? I imagine it was disgustingly early Me? I imagine you came out of the vagina And your dad was there Listening to your little prick Tooth fairy, not real Santa Claus, not fucking real

My love for you, don't even think about it Tell you what is real though God fucking love that guy Let's sing songs about him every weekend We never did we never did no we never did the tooth cuts

really no that was never we were like you didn't do the tooth cuts we kind of did but it wasn't

well done no you know you have different currency all the time what do you mean different what different

like he was just getting rid of whatever he could like oh sterling today is it the old Sterling purse

you know because we're on the border I must have been about 10 I would say 10 I feel like to find out Santa's not real that's a bit like your stupid you fucking flipped it on me I would say I was about 10

how old were you and it cut me I would say I was about 10. How old were you? And it caught me. And how old were you when you stopped believing in yourself? God, I was about five. I was about five years old. Why, what age were you when you? I'm not sure.

I don't know but i think around like i think i think around eight or nine i was like it was the uh i think i was told when i was 10 oh that's even worse they were like this thick little cunt isn't even gonna work it out we're gonna have to tell him we're gonna have to tell him when he goes to high school he gets his head kicked in and then i remember when they told me and i was like yeah well it had my name and address In a fucking invoice on half the toys Of course I know it wasn't Santa He got it in Strabane I might need you to google something here Jack

If you can get it off my description But there's a I had to spell my second name A Greek mathematician I think or an old mathematician who had Rachel Riley

it was Rachel Riley yeah yeah never stop googling who Pascal's Wager I think it was if that's one thing

it's basically basically was saying you can either if there is a God right and you choose you believe in him, then you get to go to heaven and that's great. And he's real, you get to go to heaven. If you don't believe in God and he is real, you get up there, then you go to hell and that's fiery damnation. Whereas if you believe in God and he's not real, nothing happens. And if you don't believe in God and he's not real, nothing happens. And if you don't believe in God and he's not real, nothing happens. So the safest bet would be to believe in

God, because even if you're wrong, it doesn't matter. That's interesting. Call me Catholic again. I just think that would be a really good, honest way to preach this ceremony. I'm telling you the fucking Vegas odds.

It's just believing them. Sing a couple of songs every weekend, you know, wear a silly hat every now and again. I feel like it'd be worse. I feel like he'd be up in the middle of Pearly Gates and he'd come out and be like, do you think this would work? I know you don't believe in shit. You just muttered the songs. Get the fuck.

Aye, because if he is about fucking worshipping belief then you have to be doing it properly in that case God is a narcissist if you believe in a God who needs to be prayed to and sung to and thanked regardless of what your image of is in his head it's always going to be him just being like

Neil, father, lower lower, lower, lower. And you just, you know, that's, he's all loving as long as you're facing the ground. And you're not one of those pesky Jews. Do you reckon you could just shout at him and he'd let you in? Don't you reckon I could black my way into heaven?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like God's like a fucking character from like an old 60s movie ah I like this kid he's got Spock he's got Maxi I tell you

let him in that's what this place is missing a loose cannon we've only got three Mavericks in here do you think

I do think I do think I'd be like I'd be like I'm like I'm like don't lie to me, because you're not allowed to lie.

Yeah. Realistically, how many actual pedos do you have in there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's none, if it's none, fine, right? If it's none,

fine. If none, fine. I'll clean up. But if there's any pedo ministers in there, they've done way worse than me. So I'm just allowed in. I'm just allowed in, because they're a thousand times worse. I feel like if you's any if there's any pedo ministers in there they've done way worse than me so I'm just allowed in I'm just allowed in because they're a thousand times worse

I feel like if you hit him with enough shit that he did to you I just you are kidding us if you hit him when he wasn't expecting yeah yeah

that's it he'd have to let you in if he opens the door and you just lay one on his stomach you're like you don't fucking tell me that's what you do to my sister that's what you do

you've talked St Peter into getting his manager I was like hi you know hey lovely to see you how are you I'm God

bang let me in motherfucker let me chat to someone out the back I don't think I could blag my way I definitely couldn't I'd make it worse

I don't think I could blag my way to heaven but I think I could annoy my way out of hell yes I reckon I could endag my way to heaven But I think I could Annoy my way out of hell Yeah I reckon I could end up somewhere worse Yeah Like limbo

I could be Limbo's for babies though Just me and a load of dead babies Yeah Yeah Yeah You guys You guys grew up

Or did you just stay the same age To be fair If limbo is just dead babies Then technically limbo is Limbo is pedophile hell There technically limbo is limbo is paedophile hell there you go yeah paedophile heaven

yeah hell I don't think they want to fuck dead babies do they well the babies are technically

I don't think I mean that's like saying you land up in heaven and everybody's dead in heaven even though it's heaven there's all dead bodies

lying around oh yeah that's a good point yeah it's like all dead babies like well yeah technically but I reckon they're yeah oh yeah that's a good point yeah it's like all dead babies I'm like well yeah technically

but I reckon they're yeah oh yeah it's people fuck walk up to heaven you walk in

there's bodies everywhere yeah they're dead what do you think hey hey hey look look if you die on earth

you die in real life as well it's eternal come on this isn't Call of Duty I don't think I'd enjoy Those are one of the stupidest things you've ever said

It's definitely in the top ten And that's of a thousand I don't even find the concept of heaven to be that appealing. Oh, what, you can just do anything? Well, first of all, living for eternity, no interest. No interest in living for eternity. Even if it's with all my friends and family, forever? No way, man.

Too much of anything is boring and overindulgent, and things need to be finite in order for you to, you know, enjoy them. It's like, I mean, even though the old saying that money doesn't buy happiness is wrong because with money can buy stability and from stability it's easier to, you know, grow fucking happiness.

But, um. I reckon money can't buy happiness is a thing that rich people tell people. Oh, of course, it's an absolute fucking lie. And then they go like, it's just like having a cake. Oh. I'd love a bit of tell people. Oh, of course, it's an absolute fucking lie. And then they go like, it's just like having a cake. Oh. I'd love a bit of that cake.

Oh, no, you wouldn't like it. I'm like, I reckon it's not. It's not for you. It's not for you. It's a daddy, it's a daddy cake. I've got no interest in living, really, would you really want to be around forever? Forever.

I'll tell you what it is. I know it's a bad idea. I know, if they told me right now Do you want to live forever Yes or no You can have it I'd be like Well obviously yes then

But what are you doing up in heaven What What are you doing up in heaven What do you want to spend Eternity fucking Oh wait a minute Sorry I thought you just meant like Forever on earth

No like What are you watching Netflix up there Are you like Well no I've just got I'm just going to fucking Well I presume you can do What you want up there So yes I like well no I've just got this I'm just gonna fucking well I presume you can do what you want up there so yes I get it

that would be pretty bad because it's just yeah you're trying to say heaven also you've got seven years and you die up there

what if somebody what if somebody else who's dead good what if their idea of heaven involves you in it but your idea of heaven doesn't involve them in it

okay right we can blank them like a well but then but then they're in hell Oh Then it's not

Then it's not Then it's not fucking perfect Well look What about this Imagine right Imagine you You marry The love of your life right

And then she's killed In a tragic But hilarious Motorcycle accident Okay Like it's She wasn't on the motorcycle The guy on the motorcycle

Is absolutely fine Just How on earth Did she get hit with a motorcycle Where she was She was on a treadmill In the ocean She was surfing She dies

You grieve for a respectable amount of time 25 minutes 7 days 10 years 15 years 20 years You fall in love Again

Your heart is sealed You find another widow Another widow Like You get married You spend the rest of your life together You die in each other's arms You get up to heaven

Don't get me wrong That's absolutely your heaven Both your Partners Right The younger selves You also Younger version of yourself.

They're not cool with that. No. Like, doesn't, I just, I just. That's what you're saying there, Dad. This could be a whole nightmare. Well, unless heaven is. I'm still married to you. Unless heaven is several, like unless it exists in the multiverse.

Unless it's like everyone has their own individual heaven. Maybe you could travel. Aye. Or maybe, what about if you could kill yourself in heaven? Unless it's like Everyone has their own individual heaven Because Or maybe What about if you could kill yourself in heaven Oh and then it's done Yeah Like the good place Oh yeah

That's what I think would be the best version of heaven I've seen one episode Can you kill yourself in heaven Yeah you guys live in heaven for as long as you want and then there's a door that you go through and that's eternal death like

okay you can do what you want and then when you want to you just die okay alright imagine if you walked straight into heaven

and straight through that door fuck off bye yeah not eternal life I was talking about extended life I dig Yeah, no I'd turn on life I was talking about Extended life I'd take No, okay

Like, you know If you I think you could You know If I think I could I think I could live for 200 years A thousand

A thousand years Come on A thousand wouldn't be too bad Depends how much you deteriorate As a person, I guess. Oh, at the exact same rate. Absolutely.

Just a little fucking matchstick worm of a person who talks all, kill me, kill me. You have 250 years left, man. You're not even being fed

through a tube, you are a tube. No. Depends. Depends Depends For the 200 years I'd like the option If it felt like there was a nuclear war 200 years is that long at all? No but fucking you know

Like for picking a couple A years 200 years yeah That's nonsense What's 200 years Yeah That's nonsense That's a war There's two world wars What's 200 years ago The famine

Oh here we go Okay Jesus I'm just trying to get A little timeline What was going on with us What was going on Over here in 1823

I don't know Just I mean What was going on At any time in history Just cows and shit Yeah I mean Here's history With Ryan In any time in history Just cows and shit Yeah I mean

Here's history With Ryan Cullen And the odd battle Yeah yeah Just a couple Riff raff here and there Cows and then the English Turned up

Cows eating chat Cows eating chat I think I would definitely I think you'd need to be Aiming for 500 I think 200 Oh no man I like

What are you achieving In 500 years Like what are you achieving in 500 years what's there to see I might get up to 20 spots I'm headlining the stand boys no I think 200 years

you couldn't do stand up for 500 years no man I don't think you could do. God, imagine just getting more and more out of daylight. Look at how fucking different comedians are in their 20s and then into their fucking 50s. Oh, Jesus.

Look at the fucking 50-year-old comedians now and how out of touch they feel with what the rest is going on and then imagine somebody that five times older than that

and you're like man I just how do get get amnesia motherfucker like just get

Alzheimer's forget all of these awful opinions please come Bruce Willis oh yeah what is that because I only

his head's soup his head good soup His head His soupy head now Too many He's dying hard He's He's got I think he's got

Alzheimer's now But it was something else First of all Just losing brain function Essentially Oh no okay Had to be told his lines Every time he was doing them

And all that stuff Through his ears Oh okay So but I think it's got bad It's getting worse I think it's got bad. It's getting worse. I think he's just basically got Alzheimer's now. Oh, man.

Because I think I was reading in a Chandler Bing's old biography. What the fuck are you doing? What? Who the fuck reads Chandler's? I wanted to. Because, man, if you watch Friends as much as I did, you could tell on certain seasons He was on drugs Oh yeah On certain seasons

He wasn't Because on seasons He wasn't on drugs He'd be fat as fuck Yeah On certain seasons He was And I'm like

You know I didn't know What was going on At the time Because I was 13 So I'm like I absolutely want to know How that started

And he found I found God And it was so boring It's a good book But just Like any Any time at the end Of somebody's journey Is And then I found God and it was so boring It's a good book But just like any time at the end Of somebody's journey is And then I found God

For me it's like the movie equivalent of it is And then I woke up And you're like oh boring You know it's the old comic thing And then I got off the bus You weren't the opposite You found the devil Oh I've done some bad stuff Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want the opposite. Yeah. I found the devil.

Oh, I've done some bad stuff. It's right, it's cut, you know, it's written me right off. Have you ever seen Zach Galifianakis do the 18th century comedian? No. That's very funny. I couldn't find it the last day. It was on a documentary, like a comedian's comedian tour or whatever. But he goes on stage like a fucking bell. He starts going like, oh oh I've got a taxi here

and he goes couldn't tell if the smell was that you're the horse and then he kept going like Benjamin Franklin what the fuck is that guy talking about it's very funny

I remember that comedian he took it I don't know if it was called that but it was him Brian Poussin that's it Maria Bamford Maria Bamford

and Patton Oswalt that's it that's the one yeah yeah it was on like Netflix back when it was like original

when it was on Netflix yeah yeah yeah god yeah and there was an extended one you could watch it had like

David Cross and John Benjamin and stuff on it. The fuck is John Benjamin? The Voice of Archer. Oh. Okay. I have seen him in stuff.

All right. So there you go. Yeah. Okay. That's it, girls. We go to Vegas tomorrow. How are you feeling? Good.

Yeah. I mean, it's real now. Once I had to buy money. Do you know how to play craps? No. No? There's no allure of that to you? No, I will.

You don't fancy being... I'll gamble on anything. But I don't know how to play it. Kai tried to learn for an entire fucking flight Once when we were going to Vegas I think we were flying from fucking Colorado there And eh It's like 20 minutes

No it's like 4 hours The amount of craps is confusing as fuck Like it's a whole It's a whole thing I think we should just shoot dice on the street Yeah I think we should shoot anyone dice on the street yeah I think we should shoot heroin on the street

just fucking shoot anything yeah just two pack was he shot in Vegas I feel like he was yeah

pretty sure he was yeah he must have been must have been must have been that's where you get him yeah that's where

on the fucking street where was Biggie shot where was Biggie shot I don't know where Biggie was shot Biggie was probably shot he was partial to Brooklyn he was shot in one of his fucking folds

oh my god how dare you it's okay fat phobia didn't exist back then and if it did it didn't matter so my bigotry

is out of place now but not at the time that he was alive so so you're gonna oh mary anthony what a fat what a what a no it's fine though because back then back then you burned them so it was fine so it's fine for me to say yeah yeah he was shot in l.a oh man where was it uh biggie biggie was shot right sorry Biggie was shot while in Tupac.

That's why he was shot. They were like, you guys are supposed to be enemies and you're... Tupac was shot in Vegas. Yes, there you go. Is Suge Knight out of prison? Well, you're honest.

That guy was crazy. Remember they were like, he was angry that straight out of Compton portrayed him in a negative light and then ran over the producer in the car and went back to jail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he...

I mean, what a way... Motherfucker, are you calling me violent? You ran over a movie producer? Do you know what happened to the last person who called me a violent psychopath? No, no one does. Nobody knows what happened to them. Nobody even knows their name.

Was it Vanilla Ice? Yeah, him. If you could... Nobody knows what happened to them. Nobody even knows their name. Was it Vanilla Ice? Yeah. If you could... If you could shoot... Too tight. Not far off. If you could... If you could assassinate five political leaders

and blame... No. If you could assassinate five political leaders And blame Successfully blame It on five other nations To trigger All out global war With no hope of parley What's the What's the dream rotation

Oh god Who's the dream rotation? Who's the current fucking English one? It'll be an easy one for me to start with. Rishi Sunak. Are we going to award if Rishi Sunak gets assassinated? If Rishi Sunak assassinated Mickey Higgins there, our president, Michael C. Higgins, I reckon the fucking place would go off.

Okay, so we're starting small here This is a small one But we'll make enough noise So Rishi Rishi assassinates Orders the hit on That'll start around here because the Scots will get involved Yeah we'll have to

Because we'll be like we don't want to go To Warwood Island and then that'll be our independence vote Because they never gave us So on these shores that'll be our independence vote. Because they never gave us independence. Okay, that's interesting. So on these shores, that'll sort that out. Right, okay, okay. And then, so that's a battle for the L, okay.

And then, okay, what's your second draft? My second one, right, would be, I would get, I would successfully blame, I'd bomb North Korea. Great. But I would blame it on somewhere like, successfully blame I'd bomb North Korea great but I would blame it on somewhere like

let's just go Belgium okay but okay funny but okay so if North Korea believes that it's

been bombed by Belgium there that's you having the same amount of faith in North Korean missiles as

North Korea has in its missiles oh you need to be closer yeah yeah like I think you've got to

I think you've got to nuke another country and then blame it on North Korea okay wait right I just

wanted it funny that the North Koreans are out of nowhere it's like an episode it's like it's like

Wrestlemania what's Steve Austin doing here Fucking Belgium Out of nowhere It's like a It's like It's like WrestleMania What's What's What's Steve Austin Doing here You'd have to educate The population

About what Belgium is First of all Yeah So King Leopold Used to Kill And chop off

The hands of Black people in the Congo Yeah On rubber plantations And now for some reason they hate you now okay so you've okay so you've got Belgium, North Korea

no no Belgium are because again I feel like that's not good because if Belgium's again they're not looking they're assassinating the leaders off so if you're assassinating Kim Jong Un right I think North Korea's like great and even if they do go into disrepair compared to what now when they're thriving all i want germany to bomb ukraine

oh man imagine imagine i think what am i here now what's just the just the german just the germans and they'll be like, hold on, the Russians say the Nazis are in there and we want to prove it but we hate the Nazis. Oh, we have so much shame. Okay,

that's good because then, oh, that should be a chain of events that we get some. Yeah. Okay, I'll let you keep going with you.

Okay. I would get, let me see. I would get, I'll let you keep going with you. Okay. I would get... Let me see. I would get... I need one, basically. Oh, I know. We need America. No, no, no.

We need Kenya to bomb America. Matt, what do you think it's Kenya that you want to unleash the might of the US military on Kenya? Well, what will happen is Kenya, they'll see some dark days. And then everyone else in Africa is going to go like, what the fuck? They're going to get together

and stand up to the might of the largest army. I feel like half of Europe then would get involved and be like, this isn't on America. Man, I would love to play Risk with you based on this. As you're just like, I've got Iceland boys. Welcome to Cullentopia. World domination from Greenland. You wanted pandemonium. That would be fucking pandemonium

if Africa took on America. Because people would be like, we've got to get involved here with Africa. Well, yeah, man, man, man. If they threw Live Aid, right, for just starving African kids, can you imagine the concert they're going to throw for...

Nuking the Serengeti. that could throw for nuked nuking the Serengeti yeah because that really paints America in a fucking bad light that's so unnecessary you couldn't follow them but you also want to get involved too much because they're good

at blowing things up I don't, okay right so that's your third so we've gone Ireland to England to Ireland We've gone Belgium to North Korea Belgium to North Korea Germany to Ukraine

And America to Kenya Okay and then final pick For global war Um Oh my god I was tempted to do like the Falklands again Global war God I was tempted to do Like the Falklands again But somewhere else

We need one good Oh The Poles The Poles To go for No the both Poles North and South And Poland

There's not even There's not even a head of state in the North Pole it's just the most farthest north is the trekker it's just shot

in the back of the head and nobody finds out for months they're like I think the head of the North Pole was assassinated

just a note with you'll never know who did it and then like a penguin print yeah a penguin print. Yeah, a penguin. Okay, right. The polls.

So for All Out War, I am going to have Mexico to assassinate China. Mexico to assassinate China to assassinate America because the Americans are just itching for an excuse what better way to

get rid of a border wall than to just envelop the new country that would absolutely get the rest of South America To be like under no circumstance Is this allowed to Fucking happen Right

Then That would cause a lot of Twitter That's that sorted Then I'm going for Australia To Bomb Sorry to assassinate Then I'm going for Australia to bomb, oh, sorry, no, no, no, sorry, to assassinate the head of India.

Oh, right. After a cricket game. Okay, right, yeah, yeah. That's vital. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just because I think, you know. And I would, that would be real bitter oh and India I think India is a country

with a lot of friends that's like right here because and also what the fuck are the West Indies well because at that point

fucking Australia's gonna ask for the rest of the Commonwealth to be involved okay oh yeah yeah like New Zealand's got to fucking jump in so

yeah yeah then Like New Zealand's got a fucking Jump in so Yeah yeah Then Vatican City Okay great To assassinate the emperor of China Because All the Christian nations Are going to get behind

The Vatican City When China's like If you bomb Vatican City If you make it a crater Which they fucking could That's all the Christian nations Except for the Chinese Yeah

Then I would go I feel like everything is just sitting there Yeah Then I would go For old times sake Then France to assassinate Rishi Sunak Let's go Let's have one more war with England lads Let's see how this goes

They both meet in the wee tunnel Yay In horses And then England lads let's see how this goes they both meet in the wee tunnel yay in horses and then and then the final one I would say would be Japan

to go after Russia okay Japan Russia would be an interesting one Yeah yeah yeah Cause you feel like It would be

You know It should be an easy one But Yeah And you know It's how I left I left Scotland Out of that

Just because If France Fucking You know They'd be Man Conscription in Scotland Would be like

You lads You're not gonna Fucking believe this There is no one Between the age of 18 and 40 in Scotland I don't know what happened

and it's just all of us walking around with cotton wool on our cheeks like that scene in Team America we're like I'm an old man

just as we refused to join in they're like they assassinated our Prime Minister we're like I know we sent them

so many thank you where do you think they're getting their grenades from and you can minister. We're like, I know. We sent them so many thank you. Where do you think they're getting their grenades from? And you can be like, what's this? And you'd be like, it's a fidget spinner. Get him. No, no, I didn't know what it is. Dragging him off. Okay, I feel like my war, I think my,

I think I've caused more. I think you've caused more I think you've caused more Twitter Wars And that's where the real battle is And that's where the real battle is Yeah yeah yeah That's where Big Daddy

Elon is in Yeah yeah I mean that would be Oh that would be funny That would be a funny A culture war If Corbyn assassinated Elon Musk Yeah yeah

That would be Or If Corbyn Killed Elon Musk Yeah yeah that would be Or if Corbyn killed David Baddiel Oh yeah That would be the left In you know Gone

If Kanye West killed Natalie Portman If Oh god If Greta Thunberg Killed Alex Jones In fair one on one Hand to hand combat That'd be even worse if he burned him alive

Against everything she believed in She just feeds him to her pet dogs Everyone becomes food one day Jesus Jesus Christ That is un-fucking-believable So does body and head Neil puts

Neil I meant Keanu Reeves Puts Andrew Tate through a wall Even better If Keanu Reeves murders his old wife. Oh, wait, isn't he already dead? No, yeah, his wife died,

but then he's now going out with someone age appropriate, and everybody's going like, you know, people are like, fucking hell, Leonardo DiCaprio, you know, stop banging kids, you don't want to be a 19-year-old now, and they're like,

you know, this is how you do it, because, you know, basicallyrio you know stop banging kids he's only a 19 year old now and they're like you know this is how you do it because you know Kennedy basically they're like Kennedy's wife his new girlfriend's got grey hair I'm cool with him

but if he killed her yeah yeah he's like oh she was just so old yeah that's what I'm not gonna kill the young ones that would be insane

but DiCaprio's mad about the I'm not going to kill the young one. That would be insane. But DiCaprio's mad about the world. I was meant to go about the world. He loves spying little kids. He likes them. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's all legal. It's above board, but it's below standards. Below deck.

It's above board. Deck. Below deck. That's a nice above deck. It's such a... I think he's leaning into it now. What? There's no way you can go viral

three times and then go like right well I've broken up again. Fair enough you're not on social media and you don't read all the mean tweets about you

but there's no way you're not listening to what people around you are saying. But it is just fully you're not listening to what people around you are saying. But it is just fully leaning into it. He's like, all right, well, you turned 23. Bye. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gotta go for it. Oh, man. Yeah, he's always like, he's with an Israeli model now, I believe. He's 19. Yeah, what the hell are you talking? He's anyone older than 25. Like, he's the longest.

Like, every time he's dated someone, as soon as they turn 25, longest like every time he's dated someone as soon as they turn 25 he's just he's that fucking like Woody Harrelson no is it Matthew McConaughey and Daston Confused

where he's like the older I get they all stay the same age I know that I feel like Matthew McConaughey could do it and nobody would be that angry he's a big fucking

he's a godfather isn't he yeah he is of course he is without a fucking accent Of course he fucking is You cannot have that fucking draw And not suck

The white hot cum of the lord himself And emphasis on white Oh yeah Well to be fair Black cum would be Like if men came black, women would just assume that they were trying to get away from them. Like, it'd be like, is that like a squid defence thing?

Are you trying to, like, muddy the water? Fuck's sake. Black cum. What is this? Is this tar? Yeah. What are you Most looking forward to In Vegas Don't you try and catch me

I can't wait Until we're two days into Vegas And I'm just going to tell all of you At what point you screwed up And accidentally let slip something About the trip Oh man there is Every single one of you Has let something

Like it's just It's almost impossible Did you know Sid was telling me Like he's like You know I was with him there And I I was so terrified

I just blanked him Yeah yeah I just had a terrible night With him As I just avoided him Yeah Well that's tough to hear Sid Because I had a great night

It's no idea We were not connecting That's funny Not expect You know A comic recent Told me the last day She thought I was pro-life

Yeah And like a big god Catholic She misunderstood One of my jokes And then she just went I hated you For so long

I bad mouthed you everywhere And I was like God I thought we bad mouthed you everywhere And I was like God I thought we were Getting on great She said I was actively Blanking you Oh yeah Because you had one joke

Where she thought You were just being like You know Killing babies is Immature And whatever She was like This backwards

Fucking mention Typical Irish That's okay That's too dumb It's amazing that Her bigotry Led to her calling you a bigot Isn't it funny how hate blinds us all

I only see via hate Yeah man hey It makes me see it clearer I see it all You know how you ever seen like in Daredevil Where like his echolocation Allows him to see everything in hypervision? That's me when I'm fucking seeding on the roads.

That's me when I'm so fucking angry I can hear everyone else's heartbeat. And I'm like, I wish I could fucking stop that shit right fucking there. Kai, do you have to eat that Kit Kat like a cunt? Okay. How long is the flight to Vegas? 70 rows? Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah? Yeah, you ought to. Yeah, you ought to. How long is it? I think it's 13 hours. It's one of those ones where I think it's 13 hours It's one of those ones where I think it's good Because you can obviously drink in the airport And then you can drink a bit on the plane, get drunk

Watch a movie, fall asleep And get like 8 hours Are we going to get mashed on the plane? I mean I always get drunk on planes Okay, sorry Because I am separated You know So I have to

ask someone to move wait just why are you booked separately just because you were last minute addition

we had to change my flight back so they kind of jumbled the things by accident you know

so I'm set the thing so I'm like I was going to be like am I going to get absolutely mashed alone

and walk over every once in a while like in bridesmaids? Nick Cody was flying to America with Bart Freebear and Nick used points to

upgrade to business class and Bart was back in economy and like an hour into the flight Nick emerges through the curtains with like a bathrobe on with two glasses of champagne well it was just like bart bart where are oh bart just walking through economy basically walks up he's like i brought you champagne oh i forgot you don't drink skull both of them and the barfree bird just brought a bag of like fucking Xanax was like this is my alcohol buddy I'll see you in LA

never been never been to LA never been smooched LA is a fucking stanky never been in business class LA is a stankin hot shithole man it's really fucking crap like it's LA

well Hastings does he live there now Am I right with that Well I think if you look deep inside John Hastings lives inside all of us Oh god Get out of there Get out of there Take it literally Yeah

I'm looking forward to Going back To Vegas I definitely want to take Cara there One day Because One of my ways To enjoy

There's some people out there Who are able to just like Enjoy the world Through their own experience And you know Take all on board Because they're like happy people And then there's other people

Who just can't enjoy the world Because they're depressed And what not And then there's like people Where it's easy for you To enjoy things through other people I'm one of those like if Cara's like I

can enjoy things but I'll enjoy them in a very like stoic face like this is enjoyable this is good whereas if Cara or Caelan are enjoying something I'm like no I'm having a fucking great time so it's just great to like get her drunk and then just like bowl her in the direction of something fun

And then you see What happens So you're just going to try and get Kai happy Yeah just He's always No no Kara Kai I only want to see sad Okay right

Kai I've always said with Kai I'd like to get a brain scan Done on him Because I reckon there's a tumour Pressing down on some gland always said with Kai I'd like to get a brain scan done on him because I reckon there's a tumour pressing down on some gland that's just making him like that happy all the time because yeah yeah it's all there

either that's tumour is why he's so fucking happy all the time or there is no tumour and there's nothing wrong with him and then turns out being ignorant is bliss Ah yeah Yeah genuinely

He just I feel like Oh I'm afraid Natalie's died And we're like Oh great I get to hold a party Yeah Funeral on my friends could come Great

And you're like What is wrong with you Aye It does feel like it would take a lot to Emotionally Well no I think Oh well we'll see No that's not true

Man United beat Newcastle Oh yeah Yeah yeah And also like If you and me kicked Peggy to death For like no reason He's just taken her out on a walk He sits down to play on his phone for a bit And he looks up three minutes later

And we have just Mashed her into the paper Pate Too fudded I jumped off the tree branch While he's walking And thing Boom

What happened was You threw a stick for her And then I was hiding in a bush With some cheese wire Tied to a tree And when she went chasing after the stick I pulled it taut And then her head

And the tip of her tail Came off I reckon that would Emotionally rock him I think he wouldn't No I don't know You reckon Yeah

How long do you reckon It would take him To talk to us again Well I reckon I think he would Beat the shit out of Both of us Well I think he would

Beat the shit out of One of us While the other one ran And I reckon I reckon he'd catch you first I reckon he'd catch you first Fuck off I reckon he'd catch you

I reckon I'd beat you to the rest You're the one that Threw the stick I'm hiding in the bush Fucking with the I mean I'd catch you first I reckon he'd catch you first fuck off I reckon he'd catch you I reckon I'd beat you to the rest you're the one that threw the stick I'm hiding in the bush fucking with the I mean I'd probably be the one that like I didn't treat it like an assassination I treated it like I enjoyed it

so you might come for me but then again you could also just play it cool be like I was just throwing a stick man I didn't know he was there like why would I oh that's true that's true

yeah he's the motherfucker but then I could play it cool and be like man I was just hiding in this bush with cheese water what the fuck do you think I didn And be like Man I was just hiding in this bush With cheese wire What the fuck do you think I didn't know your dog

Was going to come in this direction How weird How weird I don't think I've even seen A cheese wire No Ever In real life

Never Used for cutting cheese Works I reckon it would work Class I really want to do it I reckon it would be satisfying Yeah yeah yeah

It's good The best way to get it done Is if you can get A sort of cheese statue Made I'm trying to make the yeah, yeah, it's good. The best way to get it done is if you can get a sort of cheese statue made. I'm trying to make the beheading still. No, I am too. If you were to get a cheese bust made of somebody you hated

and the way you cut the cheese was to just go up behind it. So funny. Every time you reckon it. Who wants some of the Red Leicester? Yes, yes. You fucking piece of shit.

Oh, fuck you. Shh, shh, shh. That'd be great. It'd be handy too because I hate Brie Larson. Oh, shh. Stop it. Comedy. Well, this Oh Stop it Comedy Well

This Terrible podcast Was brought to you by Outs2 If we don't make it back From Vegas Then it's been fun Thanks for

If we do All die in Vegas Don't unsubscribe I know people are like Oh we're going to die in Vegas But it is genuine Like you know I think we're going to die I think there it is genuine like you know I think we're

going to die I think there's a very good chance something can go wrong because there's so many stupid

people near each other like Nelson today was just like I'm really worried sorry this is

let's not generalise there's some groups of people can get together and put you can get collections of people

Where you put them in the same room Amazing things happen They're able to get to the moon They cure a type of fucking cancer They're able to graft skin Or reproduce it And then other times Different groups of people

You put their heads together And you know They piss in the street in Vegas And get hit by a car and I and I know which one my friends belonged to

okay yeah I've I don't think I think it's gonna be it's gonna be Elliot that's yeah

or Tom I think Tom's a Tom could do something to get excited well Tom Tom is just he's got such a Punchable face

Oh It's the voice as well No I just think he's Tom's one of those people That will talk to strangers Somewhere And there are definitely People out there

Who've been like Do not fucking talk to me Like in a place where People are like In the zone Gambling Like a poker player Oh that's right

Tom would be like Zach what's going on i'm gonna i hear that whatever i can't do tom's voice i don't know what that is that was him being a duck i think yep yep yep um anyway thanks for listening to the podcast we'll see you next time all of you bags of shit