Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.23: Jobby Bobby

Episode Date: March 15, 2023

Kai is in bed ill today so it's me, Matthew, posting again. In this episode Daniel is joined by Gareth and they both discuss their time in Vegas, fatherhood and DMT.

Hello podcast listeners and viewers, thank you very much for tuning in to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. I wonder if you listen back to this podcast how many times that is my exact phrasing and cadence for the start of this podcast because while saying it there I've helped myself tuning out and you only really get to that stage where you say something over and over again. I remember when I started stand-up comedy i would always open the show with hello how we all doing are we well are we good and every show every show every open spot five minutes ten minutes solo shows how we all doing are we well are we good how we all doing are we well are we good and my mum pointed out after like two years she's like you gotta fucking stop

saying that i've heard you say that 400 fucking times just open in a different way i was like okay and she just sort of pointed out i didn't realize that's how i did it you know when somebody 400 fucking times just open in a different way I was like okay just to point out I didn't realise that's how I did it you know when somebody points out a habit that you have that you're unaware

I caught myself doing it and it annoyed me the first time I went on stage I went hello everyone went hello and I forgot every fucking joke

I had ever written in my entire life every fucking joke I'd ever completely and utterly in my head forgot to do comedy and I'm fucking looking around you know two years in my entire life every joke i'd ever completely and artly i made forgot to do comedy and i'm looking around you know two years in my comp my set's no longer written on the back

of my hand i'm like i've completely forget how why i'm like you can't don't ask them how they are so what'd you do did you just go and stand up oh what stand up to the point where i think it sounds about 30 seconds it felt like a minute And it took my mum yelling out what my opening joke was Two years into my career She was like, you're from Fife And I was like, oh yeah, I'm from Fife Anyway This episode is me and Gareth Waugh

We check in obviously about Vegas I obviously, as always, because I like to think it's like empathy But I think it also just comes across as being like an over caring intrusive nosy piece of shit but like I love watching other

people become parents because obviously I've been through it and you're like comparing good experiences to find out how normal what you went through is and Gareth's start was so similar just in the sense that you know he didn't love his kid straight away and i didn't love my kid straight away so i've got another friend just had a kid two days old god he loves that kid oh man he's obsessed besotted

i'm like can't fucking relate to that so i check in with gareth on that uh and then we and then and then it turns into joe rogan's podcast for about 15 fucking minutes. We start talking about DMT and shit like that. It's still decent, but it's just heavy Joe Rogan. If you need to skip that, then feel fucking free to. Enjoy! Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. They said it can't be done. Areickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles.

Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? So, this question is a three-parter for you. Okay. Vegas, have you recovered physically?

No No Not quite What are your ailments? I've got a numb left arm Oh no Fuck I thought you were going to be like

My nose hurts I've got a sore throat I'm still a bit run down My left arm doesn't feel right I would say numb Smelling heaps of toast? No That run down. My left arm doesn't feel right. I wouldn't say numb. Smelling heaps of toast? No.

That's a good sign. It just doesn't feel right. It's fine. Well, it's because it's your left. That's why. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, for a while, like I feel mostly fine. Compared to what I was.

Yeah, way better. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. The few days afterwards, was like you're gonna have a heart attack yeah yeah just googling the symptoms well do you remember i showed you halfway through vegas my google search from like two in the morning the night before which was like um like the mgm grand comedians playing in vegas and how to look after your heart five in the morning and it's like if you google this yeah just the first

three results are stop doing cocaine whenever anyone googles this between 10 p.m yeah at 7 a.m we know what's happening buddy talk to frank um okay so you're you'd say back up to what 80 90 i'd say 90 90 90% okay. Vegas. Have you recovered financially? I did alright financially in Vegas. Yeah? Yeah. I don't think I... You didn't sit beside Cullen the entire time?

No. I avoided him. In fact the one day I did was the last day. Which is the only day I lost at the casinos. Every other day I was up. Yeah? Yeah. So it was alright.

He was such a little curse boy. It's taken a touchy. I'm actually really worried that I might be damaging his mental health. Because, you know, obviously boys say horrible things to each other all the time. I remember you were saying horrible things and I slapped the back of his head. And he said, stop hurting me physically and emotionally. And we had to be like, alright, sorry. I know, we crossed a fucking line there.

Please stop hurting me physically and emotionally he went like this he I call him a jinx all the time because we play FIFA together and you know in football

Cullen has this knack for being like he'll say Harry Maguire is the worst player that ever played and then Harry Maguire will score a perfect free kick overhead with his right

score a header and then a left foot free kick right perfect free kick overhead with his right score a header then a left foot free kick right it happens all the time you'll say this is going to happen or this

player sucks and it'll go the opposite way then when me and Colin play fucking FIFA together he'll always be like isn't that the

player that we used to have for our team but now plays for them and then that player will score seven goals and I'm like

just stop stop saying anything stop and he'll be running up to go and be like this will be an

easy one on one and then I'm like stop jinxing things you're a Stop, and he'll be running up to Google and be like, this will be an easy one-on-one. And then, I'm like, stop jinxing things. You're a jinx. And he's always taking it as a fucking joke. He's always like, I'm not a jinx. You're just fucking paranoid. You're looking for excuses. Then in Vegas, the jinx really started to affect him.

Like, it was a joke for a bit. And then, like, he just kept losing 50-50. He just kept losing 50-50. He could not win anything. He lost everything. But red and black, like you have 49% chance of getting it fucking

right either way and he still lost nine out of ten of them. And if he was round about you, if he was at your table, you would then start losing. I could be winning loads and then he shows up

and I'm like, alright, cash out. Proper curse. And he laughs about it for like three days. Day four, day five when he's lost all of his own fucking money

and everything. He's like, I think I am actually a jinx. If you own a Las Vegas casino it'd be worth your time hiring Cullen to just wander around and chat to people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ruin their day. He'd be the perfect waiter. Yes. People would be annoyed that it wasn't a woman but, you know, he'd be there all the time

and they'd be like, I'm getting a lot of free drinks but Jesus Christ, I'm sinking a lot of free drinks, but Jesus Christ, I'm sinking a lot into this machine. It's just like some sort of black hole of terrible luck. Tiddly-D, here's your pint. It's a mystery.

Why? This is just all being sucked into this machine. I've never seen anything like it. It's incredible. I'm worried now that when we came back from Vegas, obviously we were all emotionally vulnerable. The Vegas WhatsApp really did just

turn into a 24 7 chat line for a lot of them. Everyone just kept going, is anyone sad? Is anyone's nose ever not bled? Yeah, is anyone else having recurring nightmares of being chased down the Las Vegas strip by a giant penguin? And four people were like, yeah, me too. And we're like, what

happened to us all there? I was saying to somebody, we're all in our 30s and 40s on that trip. People are like, we're mostly comedians, but fathers, husbands, respected members of the community, people who run their own business. We're all grown adults,

but all it took was for somebody to go, for everyone to go, all right alright then I'm doing the thing there's nothing off limits like I can't I remember at one point somebody doing it to me and I went I'm a grown man I'm a father I'm above yeah alright I'll do it

you think that's going to work because you're absolutely right 100% would a man who is able to vote have a mortgage and drive his own car given to such pathetic... Well, then I'll neck three Guinnesses then. Then I'll neck three fucking Guinnesses because you're all fucking full of shit.

And now I've got chest pains. Thank you. I kept doing it to Cara the other day. The chicken noise? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, he'll shut himself. She's like,

you're trying to change him. And I'd be like killing shot himself she's like it's your turn to change it but i'd be like and she was like what that's not gonna work a woman does not work a woman oh my god you can cluck at a woman because they are just you cluck at a woman they just think you're being weird it does not i don't know i think there are definitely women out there who you could do that to and they would they would give there is you know there's yeah but but it is all men i know all men even men who are like i like my dad who should absolutely know better yeah i really reckon if me and my brothers were to sit around and put three shots of tequila in front of the man doesn't do shots man doesn't drink tequila why would he

and we were to cluck enough for long enough I think my father would be like I'll fucking show you the chicken my mum would be there for an hour

she would just join in the clucking she would just think it was a game it would never faze her if you want to be president of the United States of America

you just go up and go bet you don't vote for me you will sweep that's how Trump got the votes actually yeah if you don't vote for me

you're a chicken the biggest chicken the biggest chicken yeah that's the way to do it

and then he did that's how his foreign policy was as well North Korea kept going

on Twitter going and then the guy was like alright I respect you you know what

you called me out and I am a chicken fair play fair play boys will be boys yeah and then they signed some sort of

was it a peace treaty that they signed I don't know what they signed nobody knows it's very funny and I know this joke was probably made at the time because I'm so late

to everything Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un dick swinging it's going to be the smallest dick swinging that really is yeah I don't think there's a lot of swing going on no Trump and Kim Jong-un dick swinging. It's going to be the smallest dick swing contest that there has been. That really is. I don't think there's a lot of swing

going on. No, not a lot of twiddling. Like a tiny little doorstop just to... Maybe that's it, when they both dropped their trousers at the same time, they just stared at each other and saw something like, God, my soulmate love lift us up where we belong and they just start kissing.

The real rom-com it's just you pan well just when they're about to kiss they pan down their bellies are obviously touching you pan down and their wieners are yeah and it's just their wieners right after each for each other but their bellies getting all the action please maybe they've got nice warm bellies i bet they do from all the urine on it get me on the daily show seven years ago crushing it yeah

if you had a time machine would you kill me no I'd be on the daily show as not lead writer but one of the writers yeah I would just go back

with all of the stuff and be like yeah all me baby so for this one you need to imagine they're hugging and there's pee on their belly.

I think I would do that. Like, if I could go back in time, I would definitely, you know, give my parents, like, the script for Friends. Yeah. And then, like, the contacts in Hollywood and then, like, kill Martha Kaufman and whatever the guy's called.

That's pretty good. I don't know why this has popped into my head, but there was a thing about, like, movies that have aged badly. And somebody said one of the early Muppets movies, it was like 99 that came out, and it's a world where Kermit doesn't exist. And they flash forward to 2002.

It was a skyline shot in New York and the Twin Towers are there. So they've inadvertently said, by Kermit being around, 9-11 happened. Oh, yeah, the butterfly effect. Maybe not even the butterfly effect. By Kermit being around 9-11 happened Oh yeah The butterfly effect Yeah Maybe not even the butterfly effect Maybe he was the actual mastermind

Behind the whole Kermit the Bin Laden Was what they called him To be fair It's not going to be him That's the mastermind Even if he is top of the thing It's whoever's doing the

You know I'm not an idiot I'm not a fucking idiot Whoever's doing what son? Whoever's got their hand up Kermit Bring me up an x-ray Of Kermit the Frog Let's just An x-ray Whoever's got their hand up Bring up an x-ray of Kermit the Frog

An x-ray? That's just poor guys, my dear An x-ray is great What do you mean? It's very funny when you take Kermit into surgery And the doctors are like, oh man, okay, I'll play along And they cut in, but there's actual real blood in there Like, what the fuck?

What the fuck? Do you know why Kermit's the lead Muppet? Because he was the lightest one so it's the one that you could operate for the longest so they just went fuck it he's the leader Really? Yeah Way better candidates Just fucking well see

Just a wee frog with a banjo forget about it That's why we needed So you're telling me if there was like if there was a hench or Jim Henman? Yeah. Like if he was to hit the fucking thing back. It was Jim Henchman. And Jim already works.

The puppy won't fit on his arms because they're so swole. Every time he fits his hand in, just a tear leaves his little ping pong ball eye. Please don't flex. Yeah, yeah just we would have much fucking bigger maybe a big gorilla the thing can't really speak it's like

can't move my hand in this thing yes that's what I'm saying if he was a big old boy instead of a sad puppet maker he's making puppies he's not going to be hench

do you think you would be do you think you would be good at writing like children's television or or a children's book Because all celebrities do eventually end up Yeah, everyone says

It's so easy, but The ones that are good Not everyone can do that You do have to find something new If you find something new and it's really good Then it's excellent, but then a lot of the stuff Is just scat and fart pants And the

Big Puzzle Monster I've seen a book that was Copping for Anxiety excellent but then a lot of the stuff is just cap and fart pants and the big big poos yellow monster i seen a book that was coping for anxiety for seven to eleven year olds yesterday oh that's not i was like well i get that they've maybe got it but i don't think they should uh cope with it no i don't think they should have a book for it yeah no and they're like you're just a bit anxious sometimes you'll be brave one day maybe I don't know I don't know much about child psychology but that's what

I went boomer brain I went that seems I showed Laura I was like get a hold of this 7 to 11 fucking these

weak ass bitches don't just listen to some I don't know Panic at the Disco cheer up what do the kids listen to

Panic at the Disco well Panic at the Disco would be terrible for a kid with anxiety like that's the thing I do all the time and I hate discos I remember my dad

taking me to a disco when I was younger and I didn't know any of the other kids there and so just like our disco well it was one like in the local area

oh like a community hall yeah so like I went along and I didn't know anybody there. I was like, oh, that's wild. Which is mad, because that's your local community. Yeah, yeah. You're like, how is it possible that I go to the only private school?

Where do all these kids come from? None of you are high school, because you're all my age. How is this fucking possible? And so, like, I looked around a little bit, and my dad was like, so, you okay? Will I leave you? And I was like, nah, I don't know anyone here. And then, as we were leaving, a song came on,

and I think it was the cartoons ting tang walla walla bing bang and I went can we listen to this thing go I made him sit

and listen to the song before he took me out again alright that's enough for me did you at least dance to it or were you just

no I just sat on a chair I think I had my hand over the back of the chair and was like a little scotch be like this is

this is just a classic. Really gets me in the mood. Yes, very good. One of those chocolate cigarettes. Remember those? They were so disgusting as well. They were just disgusting. Did you put too much of those?

Candy cigarettes as well. They had the little white ones. Did you? Oh, so we're already on different candy cigarettes as well they had the little white ones yeah did you oh so we're already on different candy cigarettes here what are your dad walks in on you

it was like cigarette shaped but it was just chocolate and high and shitty horrible and they're like and you're like is this sugar paper

and they're like no it's definitely not sugar paper and you're like is it edible and they're like well paper's dad walks in on you

and a dairy milk makes you smoke the whole packet oh then different ones so you used to be able to Like, well, papers. Dad walks in on you, you know, dairy milk makes you smoke the whole packet. Oh, then different ones. So you used to be able to, like from the corner shop, buy, like they were literal cigarette packets and you opened them up

and it was a pack of like 20 little, and it was the worst crumbly chocolate, like American chocolate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before they discovered milk. And they had this horrible paper on the outside. But you'd buy it because smoking's obviously cool. Yeah.

And, you know, if you could be out in the fucking playground... Oh, well, it's like cold and stuff. You'd always go outside and be like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was great fun. Yeah, yeah. And parents were like, ah, it's fine.

They're having a laugh. Yeah, yeah. And what negative effect or long term effect Has that had on either one of us? Well, I've actually quit vaping Since Vegas Have you? Yeah

I haven't had a drink or a vape since Wow, me too Yeah, it's going good The problem is I love elf bars, they're so good They're going to get banned in Scotland soon I can't wait, I'm so glad they have to do that It's one of the times where I'm elf bars they're so good they're going to get banned in Scotland soon I can't wait I'm so glad that they have to do that like it's man it's one of the times where I'm like we need more authority

take that away from us yes what are you talking about legalise marijuana but get rid of this as fast as fucking possible you cannot sell this to people this is insane it's so bad across the fucking board but god it's because I got a vape in Vegas and I was on it all the time

and I kept saying to Matty I mean when this is done I'm done and it lasted forever and I was like go away all day just like

why is this still going the coke wank equivalent of an e-cig oh totally I was just like oh my god and then we got to the airport and it was still going

I just chucked it a bit I went get it to fuck well no then you're not allowed to quit that wasn't the deal that wasn't the deal you made with the universe

Shit Oh well Until you go back to Vegas And find that very fucking one You've got to keep vaping Alright then You've twisted my arm I did see the F1 was there

And I was like Let's go back Oh We definitely will go there For the F1 one day Yeah Incredible Yeah

Also you've got to find out What fucking It's the best hotel And just watch it from there That's the other thing I don't feel like I feel like we've done loads but I also feel like

I've done nothing while we were there yeah yeah yeah the only shit I just missed I didn't even miss anything no no I should have went to the Cirque du Soleil show

I think yeah I hate the Beatles I regret not seeing that yeah I think the Beatles are fucking naff I do regret that

but them coming back and being like it was the most incredible show I've ever seen in my life. I would say, okay, well, I respect all your opinions. Aye. You did like the magic, though. I loved the magic. Matt King.

That was so good. Aye. Somebody said afterwards, like, you enjoyed that, didn't you? And I would say, oh, I thought we were all enjoying it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, no, no. I think we did all enjoy it, but I think you were one of those where it's like, oh, you know, you're a naysayer.

If you didn't enjoy it, you'd be like Soppa at the fucking neck. The jousting. Jousting, be like, this is fucking shit. Yeah, yeah. This is gash. This is fucking, all right, Soppa. Jesus, we know it's not real combat.

I don't like the rope tricks magicians do when they cut the rope and like, I'm like, I get it, I get it. It's a rope trick. He did it well, but at first I was like, I get it. I get it. It's a rope trick. He did it well, but at first I was like, oh, here we go. But then after that, it was just all uphill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any time, like, even when I know how it's done,

but my problem is always, I like magic itself. Yeah, it's magicians. It's always the magician. It's always the fucking charade on top and the character and the creepy and the crap fucking banner. Whereas this guy's been doing it for fucking 22 years in Vegas. He was old school showbiz. Whereas I saw

the most incredible magician in the fringe last year, but he was a magician. He started the show by going, I've been doing shows where I impress the audience, but this year I wanted to do a show where I impress myself.

And I was like, Every time he reveals your card. Let me pick a card, you cunt. Yeah, it's always I was like, every time he reveals your card. Let me pick a card, you cunt. Yeah, it's always from your girl, the lower back of your girlfriend. He's like, and here it is again. You're like, can you pull it from anywhere else? He's like, I don't think I can.

It's just such a sweet, sticky spot down there. Sticky. Oh, there's one in the crack. All creeps. Right, we have to go let Jamon into the house. Okay. Would you ever consider laser eye surgery? Yeah. Yeah? It's quite expensive though, isn't it, really? Definitely. Right we have to go Let Jamon into the house Okay Would you ever consider Laser eye surgery Yeah

Yeah It's quite expensive though Isn't it really Definitely They always do it per eye Which I think is sneaky Yeah They're like

It's only 800 pound per eye They're like Who's getting one eye Who's out there being like You know what I'll just put an eye patch Do it down there Yeah

It's 800 quid for one eye And two quid for a fucking eye patch That'd be great. I think it would be. Because if you could see out of your deck, I think you would have a moral obligation to become a proctologist. Right, yes. Go in there and check for cancer.

You can see more in a butt health-wise than you can see in a vagina. Although you can be a bit of a gynaecologist. It's like, you're not. Not with your depth, buddy. Check the back of the throat. Yeah, you can be A bit of a gynaecologist It's like You're not Not with your depth buddy Check the back of the throat Yeah Yeah You can be a dentist

Yeah Yeah Yeah Something you'd want an eye In the vagina It'd be quite Awful Even that one

Like Going all the places You would hope they would go If there was an eye Something I don't know if you've seen A camera go up the arse before But the footage is not great

Nah The whole time you'd be like, you close it I'm gonna come Oh no, I'm gonna look at it all I know I am worried When are we due our first Finger up the arse exam?

50 I think Is it 50 or is it 40? Because, you know, when are we due our first finger up the arse exam? When's that? 50, I think. Is it 50 or is it 40? Find out when you have to get your first prostate exam. Because, look, I'm worried about it and not in the old, oh, I don't get it, fucking, I love a digit up the arse. That's my worry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I don't, like, it must be common,

but I don't care how fucking common it is. I don't want to get an erection Yeah yeah yeah With my dog I think they know You've got the finger up there The grab in the back of your hair Yeah he's spitting on me

Oh Doctor You guys Call me daddy It's at 45 At the earliest But usually 50 There you go

Okay Still got a bit of time Okay So how many years before I Well how many years have we got left of still paying for it? 17. No, well, 18 for you. 17 for me.

Because it must happen. It must, like, there's, you know... People getting horny? Not horny, but like... I had problems with my balls for a long time. If I have coke dick and you put a finger on my arse, I'll get an erection.'s a magic like there's a button up there

like it's just the on button I'm worried you know I go in there and the doctor's like and I know he's a professional

I don't know he probably sees all the time but in my head I don't want to be those people that don't have that like self

control you say all the time I don't know how often they're seeing it it'd be good to know but like I had problems with

my balls from when I was about 17 to like 25 long time and every time I went I was like oh. I don't know how often they're seeing it. It'd be good to know. But like I had problems with my balls from when I was about 17 to like 25, long time. And every time I went I was like, oh god, please don't be... I don't think they ever fixed it. I think it was a hernia. And your balls? Well, no, but the fluid was going into the balls. The fluid from what? The hernia? Yeah, I think so. Ew, gross.

What's a hernia fluid? I don't know, just fluid in it. Were your balls getting bigger? One of them was getting huge Oh man And painful I had to lie down for like three hours To make it go away Really?

Yeah How much bigger than the other one? Like three times Oh gross Yeah it was awful Oh man And like from when I was 17 to 90 It was like every week I was getting this

I was just like fucking hell Were you Did you Were you ever getting laid in that time? Yeah Yeah yeah Really? Yeah

How was that? Well It's very in depth Fucking hell. Were you ever getting laid in that time? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah. How was that? Well, it's very in-depth, but if I was to ejaculate, it would cause the pain to not show up. Oh, so cumming would get rid of it? Yeah, but pre-emptive. Like, I would not get it then for, like, ages. But if I was aroused for a long time, then I would have. God, that sounds like such an actress

You sitting there with an overflowing ball Just being like I need you to drain me I literally got blue balls I did You're going for the time like This is unbelievable You're like I'm not

You're going to help me So yeah sometimes that was straining Which is why I think it was the hernia But I got an operation To prevent torsion So basically They had to attach it To the foreskin To stop them twisting around

They thought one was twisting But it wasn't that God So they're attached now To the old Santa's sack So like those people Who wear their fucking

Their tongues too attached To their bottom Yeah yeah yeah So they can't eat pussy You say those people You mean babies When they're tongue tied Can't eat out of the bottle Is that what that is Oh no It's so they can't eat pussy say those people you mean babies when they're tongue tied can't hear the ball um is that what that is oh no it's when they can't breastfeed actually all right well no but like a lot of people probably those people uh

born with that bit their tongue too long like kai's brother's got it right and means when he sticks his tongue out he's like he can't get it further than oh they can't eat pussy it sounds like a big excuse bunch of fucking fucking DJ Khaled's out there What was the other one? The woman that was married to Catherine Zeta-Jones Kirk Douglas? Or his son, Michael Douglas Michael Douglas said he got throat cancer

From eating bad pussy I mean, great Without any irony He was like, I got off Catherine Zeta-Jones That bitch stinks You know this is in like 1875 And we know how diseases are caused Without any irony. He was like, I got off Catherine Zeta-Jones. That bitch stank. And you're like, man, you know this is in like 1875 and we know how diseases are caused now. You can't just be like,

it's because of that witch's stinky cunt. And people are like, well, it must be true. I'm a doctor. I wear a crow's mask. We have science now. I got it from that stanky asshole. Buddy, we've got 19,000 photos of you smoking cigars

Nope not that Bad pussy That coochie was off Well past the sell by date Because the amount of porn stars who would then be coming out Being like you want to talk about fucking throat cancer Jesus I got liver failure buddy The other question I wanted to Jesus, I got liver failure, buddy.

The other question I wanted to ask you, and I know I ask you this heaps on Vegas as well, but just because I find your journey so very interesting, it must have gotten annoying for you, just me every day being like, do you miss your son yet? I missed him by the end, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the first few days, I didn't even remember he existed No how could you man The first two days are You know Airport leaving is always the difficult part Because you always feel bad You always feel guilty It's my job I have to do this I'm legally entitled

To go But by the time you're on the plane you're like yeah i'm i'm free i can sleep day three with the boys get the drinks in but there was a point where laura tried to facetime me with the baby and it was i wasn't hung over i was hung over i was starting to drink again though but i was like you know when you've really got to force yourself morale's low everyone's like oh fucking hell i was at like drink two of that stage yeah it's the and i've never felt like a bigger piece of shit you're drinking but you're in deficit yeah even though you're five drinks in you still have two more to go till you're technically sober yeah yeah

and then then we started to get drunk again and we're having a good time but so yeah she tried to facetime then and i just went I don't need to see either of you right now because this is at my lowest sat in a dark casino drinking a slushy mojito

oh those slushies were incredible how fucking good were those fucking raspberry daiquiris yeah I must have had three a fucking day

they were quite cheap as well yeah compared to everything else yeah they do some stuff good shots good and bad they do their

shots are massive massive so that's why in America you have and I always get fucking shit for it and I deserve shit for it because of what I'm about to say

it's got to be lemon drop shots you've got to order lemon drop shots because they come in fucking whiskey tumblers first of all yeah

they are I'm going to say minimum 50 mils yeah like it's like but on average an american shot is fucking 75 it's a big ass it's it's it's never one gulp it's two or three big fucking swallows um and with whiskey that's a fucking nightmare with tequila that's a fucking nightmare some book that's a fucking nightmare but with a delicious lemon drop which is just

heaps of vodka and some other shit, it gets you absolutely messed up. That was the first night when I had so many of them. I feel like fucking Zach Braff and Scrubs, just drinking my fucking appletini. Appletini, easy on the tini. But God, I love lemon drops. They got me so drunk that first night. Yeah.

Like, remember when remember when we won you won $400 I do yeah what a great day that was good

I was about 80 down and then you said what's it gonna be and I was like red obviously and you just stared at me and put it on Cullen was nowhere to be seen

yep so that's the only reason why I went ahead and then was it red again red again you doubled down yep it That was pretty good Did the same thing for Ricketts And then fucking Cullen was like, let me in on that

And my money had barely touched the machine Before it disappeared The waitress came around And she went, I'll save you the time He gets it wrong Thanks for the tip, toots I enjoyed learning craps on the little machine me and Kai were playing it

and I was like how do you lose at this game we were winning loads I think we went from like $20 to like $70 the two of us and I went let's go play so you got like a real good spree yeah yeah yeah I didn't know well it started off with a bunch of sevens which means you win and then it started

playing and I was like this is the easiest game in the world went over to the craps table i've lost 200 quicker in my life it just went like that what the fuck happened like yeah sorry you suck yeah it's a real i still haven't fucking played it like i understand the rules and stuff but like i like the reason i like roulette is because even and like just with machine is even though that's passionless I'm still putting passion into it like god god it means so much to me so me and Kelly kept fucking laughing

about putting all of our money on one number and just looking at each other dead in the eyes and being like this is so important to me I need this so much not only financially but like my day Emotionally I need it Like I

Emotionally I'm down And the only thing That's going to get any serotonin Is this I'm rude I'm a dead man Yeah There was a point

Where you all went on the Rollercoaster in New York New York And I couldn't go on Because I was too stoned And I sat with Elliot On the roulette machine And he was like What's your strategy And I went Fuck you And I couldn't go on because I was too stoned. And I sat with Elliot on the roulette machine. And he was like, what's your strategy?

And I went, fuck you. And I just kept looking at him and just touching the screen. And he was like, you're just waiting. I went, fuck you. What's my strategy? And whatever it was came in. I got like $150 from 20. I was like dying laughing.

I was like, it was worth losing $20 for the bit. But for it to come in, it was way better. And Elliot was like, fuck off was like It was worth losing Twenty dollars for the bet Yeah But for it to come in It was way better And he was like Fuck off That's so annoying I had a bit of a spree With Colin

Where I would just do Big bets in front of him And they would come in Because he was so uncomfortable With the amount I was betting Yeah Like I remember I put I think I put like

Twenty On black eleven Yeah And then like fives On other numbers And I was And I was Mull more into this point i don't even think i remember i don't think i consciously put 20 on i think it was like a

wrong chips piled them up something on my fucking hands and i looked around the table and the balls already spinning and colin sees me and i'm like i'm like you've got to start this out yeah you can't flinch you can't be like didn't mean that Otherwise he'll have your life You've got to turn around And be like Insight Dying Devastating Crushed I'm like What kind of fucking

Prick I mean I know it's Just 20 bucks But what a dick What a fucking knob Black 11 Shut up Oh god

Lost it An hour later Yeah yeah yeah But cashed that in Cashed that in for I think it was Six hundred Seven

It must have been Seven hundred and forty Something like that Yeah It was Thirty two to one So thirty two times twenty There you go

Yeah there you go That's what it was Yeah That's pretty good It was a good day Yeah that's great Yeah Because that would have

Crushed him That's all it was for And that was the actual winnings. I made him come up and collect it with me. Oh, I forgot about this. When Cullen was betting and he just turned to me, he was like, I really need this to come in. It wasn't a bet.

He had $20 on black. He went, I need this. Like, I need it for me to have a good night. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, cool. And I started putting money in the machine. And he was like, what are you doing? I was like, nothing. And I just have a good night. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, cool. And I started putting money in the machine. And he was like, what are you doing? I was like, nothing. And I just put it on red.

And he was like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Put 20 on red. Red comes in. And he's like, you fucking, you rat. Why would you do that? Why would you do that in front of me? And I just took the money straight away, walked up to the machine.

He's walking with me to the machine going, you're a fucking dog. You're a piece of shit. You fucking ruined me. Like, he's not even me to the machine going you're a fucking dog you're a piece of shit you fucking ruined me that's like it's not even a laugh nobody was there to see it it's just me and you and then i cash it in and i gave went to give him 20 dollars like give him half of it and he just went no i'm not taking that that's dirty money and my plan was always to give him the money just then he just wouldn't take it He's a man of principles At zero luck He was walking around Like he showed up to the airport with a stick and a handkerchief on it

Fingerless gloves everywhere He's like boy I'm going to be lucky today His hat Top hat with a big flappy net at the top Keeps his rabbit in it Rabbit's dead Yeah yeah yeah He had to eat it man

He had to eat it Lost so so god damn much Yeah But he did in the desert Yeah When Do you remember What was the

What was the point Where you were like Okay I miss my child now Was it like a photo Or was it like a Was it one of those things Where you're just like I've just

I know I know I've put I've put 50 in the machine I turned it into 260 But the problem is I didn't cash it out And I bet all that 260 on one thing And it's not coming

And I wish I was dead I miss my son There was a point in the middle of the night After the roast night I was lying in bed I got a bit of a chest pain and I went don't die And that's when I went Oh god

I want to see that kid grow up Oh yeah Can't leave him without a dad Then The other low point was Last day I had $30 cash left And I

Rooney said I'll chuck it in the machine I went No this is Arlo's teddy money And then five minutes later I chucked it in the machine And lost it all I went

Oh fuck no I've got to put a teddy on a card. So that was a little... You said there was teddy money. I went, yeah, and you mentioned there was my machine nearby. That's all it took. Yeah. The wobbly tooth.

You didn't even make a fucking chicken noise. That was the worst bit. I was like, I'll play craps because you always win on that. Fuck! Gone. Gone immediately. I'm a dead guy. Give it back. I showed people that

sketch at like four in the morning because nobody knew what we were on about. From Tim Robinson's The Characters on Netflix. I put it on and everyone was like alright that makes so much more sense. It's one of the funniest sketches in the whole wide world. Some people I show it to within 20 seconds I'm like they're

going to fucking hate this. Yeah. And it's a long sketch if you don't like it. But when you watch it and it slaps you're like I've just introduced these cunts to fire here. Yeah yeah. I remember you showing me I think you should leave in Sydney for the first time and you were like you're gonna love this. Oh yeah yeah.

And I was like I love this. Yeah I watched it and I was like this is immediately for you. Gareth they made you a television show yeah they did but the good thing was they put it on Netflix so the rest of us could and they caught I think you should leave yeah okay new season is out on the 25th 30th yeah it's in so excited so fucking excited did you ever watch em oh fuck it's gone out of my head It's Sam Robinson And Oh god I hate when my brain does this

Adam Pally And Sam Robinson in the television show On YouTube Where they are the best friends Of the celebrity Who was their childhood friend He became famous They gave up their Whatever futures they have to just be friends of like the celebrity for like he was their childhood friend he became famous yeah they give up their whatever futures they have to just be you know in

his entourage and then he dies oh it's just about them going back to normality it's hysterically funny yeah yeah nope Adam Pally and Sam Robinson so I was just I'm Robinson I don't know either of those people Sorry It's hard to be a producer on this show You've got to guess what people mean I do I tell you that thing

If the government could fucking chip you and read your thoughts Would you let them do it? They already know my thoughts Would they remember things for me? Champagne, Illinois Thank you it's on YouTube uh if you give it a watch if you've got a big bag of weed and you need to kill six fucking hours it's absolutely hysterical it's so good have you played the game Monument Valley no on your phone no I think that stoned would be excellent I was playing it last night and I thought if I was st stoned, I think I would love this.

Monument Valley. Yeah, very good. Sell it to me. It's just like a geometry sort of based puzzle game. So you've got to try and get your character to the end of the level, but you can turn things and twist it. It's like an MC Escher painting,

but they change the perspective of the level all the time. Okay. It was really cool. Interesting. It's not hard, though. That's the time. Okay. It was really cool. Interesting. Yeah. I It's not hard though that's the thing I was like this is so easy but just the music and the little animation stuff I was like this is cool. I go through cycles on my phone

where I'm like I get addicted to apps and find myself scrolling them off and I'm playing those games often and then what I'll do is like God I'm spending like 10 hours a day on my fucking phone here I'm going to delete 4 of those apps and then that will reduce me down to like 2 like 10 hours a day Yeah On my fucking phone here I'm going to delete Four of those apps And then

That'll reduce me down To like two Three hours a day And then I delete those apps And then I spend 10 hours on Instagram Yeah yeah Like I

I'm not reducing Not the apps It's the problem No no Yeah yeah It's the But the Monument Valley's only 10 levels

So you can't be on it all the time It's only 10 levels And it's done And it's done Then it's done? Yeah, it's done. Then it's finito? Yeah, I think there's a third one. Oh, I knew there was a second. I didn't know there was a third.

Oh. There you go. So you've played this as well? I've played the first two in high school. Okay. What do you play on? On mobile? Yeah, mobile.

Yeah. Because I was thinking it can't be another game. Do you remember the telephone at the end gauge? No. It was... God, this... I'm going to guess this is 2004. Do you like my way to look this up? The Nokia N-Gage.

Was that the one that was like this? Yes, it was the first one that was meant to be like a gaming one. Oh, no, no, I'm thinking of the one, do you remember the Nokia one that was like a circle? But it had two points in it, it was like this. It was so weird. No. Oh, man, I'll find it. two points in it it was like this it was so weird no oh man i'll find it i'll find it it was incredible i remember wanting one but one of the most impractical phones must have been the end gauge was awful because it was like a full controller and that you could

type and stuff so you could play tomb raider and oh my god oh I do remember that What was it called Oh Yooka-Roo And that The N-Gage 7600 Wait 7600 Whatever I said Oh yeah

There's the N-Gage Oh yeah Yeah I do remember all that That's not the N-Gage Is it not No Okay N-Gage

I'm free Is it that one It was that one So you had to hold up To your ear And it just looked like It was that one. So you had to hold up to your ear and it just looked like you were holding one Dumbo ear to the side of your fucking head because the speakers and microphone were put at such a point that you couldn't really hold it flat.

God, it sucked as a phone. There was a little period in the early 2000s there where mobiles were insane. Oh, it was a lawless time and it was also in the time when there was no law in europe about what size chargers could be yeah so there were literally 25 000 different types every single eric's gonna have a different type of charger nokia samsung more roller like all the fucking dead brands i think that was an excellent thing that they did when they went

no, no, this is fucking, you all have the same charger. What are you all doing? And fucking Apple being the first cunts that were like, no, we'll just pay the fine. They're like, no. They're going to go USB-C now anyway. Are they? They've gave up. They're like, yeah, alright, that's better. It's better than our one.

I was thinking this the other day because the charger I got with this phone is USB-C to USB-C. I mean, that's so fucking annoying. Why would you not give me the normal thing? Because every bus you're on, every train, it's always got a little USB socket. They've just fucked it all over again. Anyway, I've got other stories.

No, no, no, no. It just really grinds my gears. It does become a middle-aged rant. We're not middle-aged yet, are we? No. Well, I mean, it depends when we die, I suppose. Yes, yeah. I mean, I guess we look at the finale of it,

but I mean, technically when I... I might be middle-aged when I was 17. Who knows? Yeah, fuck. There's a thought. Yeah. Could die any minute. My uncle had a heart attack when he was 32.

Did he? Yeah, he survived it. He's still alive. Aye. Is he a gearhead? I don't know. My dad said asked him about and he said like uh i think it was mostly a lifestyle thing and i was like what does that mean i didn't ask could be could be or it could be like smoking loads and eating bad i don't know what he meant but could be who knows anyway that's me done with drugs forever

that you're tapping out yep tapped out not like not like weed or I'll probably try mushrooms at some point yeah

love to try DMT yeah man I sometimes think about do I do DMT again I'm like I just

it's not for me like every time I do mushrooms I'm like I don't like this like i feel happy because that's what the drug's making yeah but i can feel my conscious like who i am underneath the drug being like there's a shot yeah if i wasn't filled with drugs i wouldn't be enjoying this because i don't like the visuals i don't like things being trippy i don't you know i'm

not a fucking spiritual person yeah yeah dmt is also just my rigid conscious atheist that's just going up against this because it does feel spiritual i think i watched a video of a guy talking about a trip he went on he went to this dome and he met these creatures there and he said they were communicating but the way they communicated was they like spoke objects into existence and i was like it sounds a little bit like a fourth dimensional being according to string theory and i was like well that maybe that's how you trans because you don't know like if you're a 2d being you don't know how to get into the 3d world so maybe that's our way of doing it and then i went or you know just carry on with life I remember when I did DMT

it was the meditation thing with Kai breathed in didn't do enough to break through but like my visuals immediately started going I remember we were at the old house

I had that fucking rug and we were sat on that and I remember like bits of the rug were like they were all wriggling and some of them were like crawling out

like detaching themselves from the rug and then across my hand crawling like caterpillars and going back into the thing and I remember being like I know this isn't happening like this isn't happening

this is all the drugs but like and I'm getting closer because I'm just but it's visually happening and I'm like right let's get let's analyse this to fuck because I'm just, but it's visually happening. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, right, let's get, let's analyse this to fuck

because I'm seeing this happen and I know for a fact it's not happening. And then people often talk about, like, the beings that you talk to. Yeah. But it's not like a conversation. You don't say anything. It's in your head.

So it's, you know, some people believe it's you talking to your consciousness. Some people believe it's you talking to whatever spirits on the other side. Yeah, yeah. I think you're just on drugs. yeah they were like what are you doing and i'm like oh this isn't real i know it's not real and they were like oh man none of this is real yeah and i was like yeah but like this isn't like the real to me like i'm going into all that

and they were like oh you're not ready for this and i was like no i don't think so and they were like okay we'll leave and then now and then they let and that was that yeah and then i saw it was just like came out of it and the rug was no longer moving oh no there was the other bit as well just just when it kicks in like literally when you take it in like there was i was about i felt myself about to fucking freak out like about to be like oh god this is awful and then just like the most overwhelming sense of calm i've ever experienced in my entire life it was like somebody was constantly spooning you but just like your peripheral vision right it's just like being in a being in a bean bag all behind

you like there was yeah there was no danger at any point like even though i was like this is freaky i didn't have the capacity to feel fear okay so even though i could acknowledge i was like this is definitely freaky and if i was my normal self i would be freaking the fuck out but i'm the calmest i've ever been in my entire life and it would be impossible for me to freak out all right and if that's what happens when you die death it's gonna be all right because your brain releases dmt right yeah so if that's if that's the feeling if that sense of calm happens when you die i'm not i can tell you right now great way to die see that's all feeling, if that sense of calm happens when you die, I'm not I can tell you right now, great way to die See that's all quite, I mean, welcome to

a two white guy podcast, talking about DMT, next up why women are problematic Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're too woke But yeah, because I always think oh that'd be cool to like, you know break through and meet like another being or something, even if it's in your head, I thought

that would be quite a fun experience, but really really i know what would happen is i would freak out immediately satan would come up from the ground himself and drag me down for two hours and just be like you should be doing drugs i'm like i know yeah yeah and then i come out and go well that was terrible i didn't enjoy that balls yeah i just hear something terrible cut my own dick off i don't know there'd be something bad I think it was Shane Moss Was doing DMT Like once a day For like three weeks

And stuff Just because he loved it Right Because What he was saying Because time doesn't exist When you're in there Yeah

It's a really weird thing to say But like it's Absolute arbitrary Like I was high for A thousand years And I was high for 20 seconds Yeah

By an actual real work time I think it was 15 minutes But You know at the time I was Forever Forever I was high for 20 seconds yeah yeah by an actual real work time I think it was 15 minutes but you know at the time I was I was forever forever I was in there yeah and also no time at all

Shane Moss he would break through regularly and in this other fucking plane he says he had this just other life like he had a wife and like fucking kid

and stuff but they were all well that sounds like a lot of admin to do what you could do here no no but they were like this blue alien fucking race and it's all you know and all they're a hunter fucking gatherer tribe and he's only

gone for 15 minutes in the real world but he's in there for like a day he's like man I remember the full conversations I had with these people like we sat around the campfire I remember cooking it was my time to cook like all this fucking stuff and every time he goes in they're like hey you're back and they hang out and whatever and after three weeks he stops doing it and then he gives his friend something to try and his friend goes away they're like hey you're back and they hang out and whatever and after three weeks he stops doing it

and he gives his friend something to try and his friend goes away and tries it and he comes back the next day and he's like how was it and he was like

it was weird they were asking for you like I broke through I went to this weird place where there were all these tribes and stuff and they were like do you know Shane

this other guy and I was like yeah and they were like yeah we've not seen him for a while and when I hear stuff like that I'm like alright

yeah it's too much yeah because like you know Shane for me I was like, yeah. And they were like, yeah, we've not seen him for a while. And when I hear stuff like that, I'm like, all right. Yeah, it's too much. Yeah. Because, like, you know, Shane, for me, is at least a fucking credible source. You ever seen his stand-up? Yeah, I used to love him. I seen him in Australia for the first time, like, 10 years ago.

He's so fucking funny, man. Yeah, that shared trip, I always find that very interesting and weird. But also, I feel like something happened where you've mentioned it and that's what in their consciousness yeah yeah 100%

I think that's what it is so after I did this fucking trip and I can't fucking explain anything that's happened to me I remember I phoned our dad

and I was just like I just did DMT he's like oh you're right why and I was like oh you know I just heard about it

on a podcast friends recommended it and I tell him about the whole thing and I was like and I was like oh you know I just heard about it on a podcast friends recommended it and I tell them about the whole thing and I was like and I was like and all the like visual stuff

distorting and stuff he was like I can show you what you saw I can like show you like all the like the images that you saw when you were on that

and on acid and stuff and I was like what and of course there's a computer simulation of it because they can basically

they know how like refracts in your eyes or whatever, and your brain works. So there's this program where it's just basically, you pick any scene from a movie, and then it will, in the background, be doing Google searches of different shapes, different pictures of animals,

and it will splice those randomly into the background in ways that we can only sort of see. And when I watch that, I'm like, oh,'s that's that is absolutely okay well there's a science explanation of what i saw there um and even the way the things were moving and stuff like he showed me and i was like oh yeah no that's the way the stuff on the carpet was wriggling and whatnot that doesn't make sense and i was like and what about all the other stuff And he just went Yeah Maybe that's what happens When you smoke dreams And I was like Ah yeah fair enough

Maybe it wasn't You know Because I thought I was like It's definitely my subconscious Yeah It's definitely I think

Of course that's what it is You're just tapping into this You know You think about how little we know About the ocean Yeah And how little we know about space That's nothing compared to how

little we know about what goes on in our fucking brain yeah yeah well that was quite a long minute yeah i regret bringing it up uh because that's the other thing it's very hard to talk about that sort of stuff would be funny i think smoking dreams is good but a lot of time you're just going yeah yeah, you know, like if you're being these dimensional beings, it's hard to not sound like just a bro. People don't listen. I don't think people listen to this podcast because it's solely funny. Oh,

right. I think people probably did. I think a lot of people came and been like, I'm going to listen to this podcast because I expect it to be funny. And then it was for a while. And then obviously me and Kyron run out of stuff to talk about. We don't really have that much chemistry since he's, you know,

comedy blind I think people just listen to this But a lot of people describe it as a lifestyle podcast And I think We've done enough laughing I think when you come on the podcast It's already twice as funny as the other ones Oh good, well I'm always worried

Anytime, I'm in my head going You haven't laughed for 10 minutes, we're just talking about serious stuff Time to get And that's all in life as well I'm always my head going wow me having laughed for 10 minutes We're just talking about serious stuff here Time to get And that's all in life as well I'm always like do something Me and Cullen always do the podcast That I laugh the most at But I know that doesn't mean anything

Because we also laugh a lot when we play FIFA And whenever Cara sees us play FIFA I see her play with her engagement ring So I'm like It's all worth it Do you have anything to Is that 45 minutes overall I see her play with her engagement ring. So I'm like, yeah, she's like, do you have anything to, is that 45 minutes overall?

Or since? Right. Okay. So we still, sorry. Oh, still got more? Yes.

All right, cool. I'm keeping you away from your son. I'm giving you a nice time away. I mean, the son's thing's good, but I am hungry. I haven't had lunch yet.

I often feel, and it's and I thought I used to have Whenever I go on tour a lot Or when I have to travel a bunch I get in now as a dad With a lack of sleep Which is there are not enough Places in the world That just offer you a bed for three hours

Yeah I think about that I would say in the fringe there should be like a hammock Shack There should be like a hammock shack. There should be in every train station, in every airport. Like, there should just... I mean, there also is. They're called hotels.

No, no. You can book them by the hour if you're a prostitute. Yeah, no. A sex worker, you piece of shit. I may still say retard, but I'll still... Do they not say prostitute?

What if you are a prostitute? What if you're just a prosy and you're not a sex worker? You're not doing all the glam stuff? I think it's all sex work. Oh, right. I think prostitution just... Sex worker makes it sound so businessy.

Yeah, yeah. Is that what they want, I suppose? It's a job, I guess. Well, I can't speak for all of them, but I will speak for 75% of them. Yeah. No. Okay, gotcha. It's like Baba Black Sheep. I can't speak for all of them, but I will speak for 75% of them. Yeah. No. Okay.

Gotcha. It's like Baba Black Sheep. You can't say that anymore. It's Baba Rainbow Sheep. Is that true? It's true. Huh. I don't think black people are going, that was the problem.

No, but I don't. The nursery rhymes were what it was. But I don't think that's ever the problem with racism. I don't think it's ever like the people on the end of racism being like you need to stop saying that i think it's if you give racist people the song baba black sheep they can just easily turn that into ammunition yeah it's just like it's you know i bet they wouldn't have thought of to turn it into ammunition until it got changed though like when the left went okay we'll change it to rainbow sheep i think the right went hang on was that offensive yeah oh wait We could have made that more offensive Yeah

Now it's my favourite song In the entire world Baba N word sheep Yeah How is it number one What is wrong with this country Yeah Pretty good fun

I Honestly Like if you Just You wouldn't even need That much space You could just rent a house Or a building

In the middle of Edinburgh You could get like fucking 32 beds there yeah get a key so nobody can come in no no we'll offer breakfast

afterwards wifi for free obviously wifi for free coffee for when you wake up on your way out that's just free that comes with it

there's a snooze we could call it premier lodge yeah there's a snooze button in there and the way you do that is you just tap your card to it, like an Oyster card.

So if you wake up after two hours, and you're like, you know what? My fucking flight isn't for another two fucking hours, and I'm absolutely exhausted. Just take your card. You boop it, and you're like, one more hour snooze. That's pretty good. You're still in there.

That is good business. Honestly. Yeah. And then what you do Right Is if When it's Every time it's all full All full

Lock all the doors That's 32 ransoms Yeah yeah And you only need to do that once And then You're out It's like human roulette Yeah yeah yeah

Well it is like human roulette Because you don't know Who you've got in there Yeah Because some people Some people in there Might be fucking Might be fetching

Million pound ransoms That's true Like you might have found The daughter Or the son of some sort Of like millionaire I feel like if you're a millionaire You're probably just gonna get

A hotel for a bit And not Sleep in a pod It's your kid It's your kid It's your kid who's Travelling around the world Right

And it's like You know it's like I'm doing it on my own It's like I've seen the kids in succession Though and they Yeah They're not gonna go

Yeah I'll sleep in the pod That's No those are Multi-million ransoms Oh right Like I'd pay I'd pay a million for my kid oh yeah yeah yeah good to know I'd have to I'd have to sell a lot of stuff I would not be putting that into the world as well do you know what I'd pay for my kids a million his name starts with a C this is his address you can find where I live pretty easy that's my agent

he likes raspberries and cocoa melon he's no teeth so he can't bite you I will pay one million for that kid at least

no questions asked yeah yeah I would pay five for mine so leave him alone that's what I'm saying five not five million five R just five R I've got's what I'm saying. Five. Not five million.

Five R. Just five R. I think I've still got a chip from the Las Vegas Oyo Casino. And I will give you that for my kids. If you kidnap my child, this is yours. And a St. Bruce trolley token. So it's six pound all in all. But this one's technically unlimited.

Yep. It's unlimited pounds. And I only pay five or one so you can't steal them every day. No, I think if you were to... Unless you're a childcare, in which case I guess I'll pay you £15 to kidnap my kid. I don't know how much childcare

is. I was trying to have a wee slam at them. Yeah? Well, I think you will find out how much childcare is at one point. Wow, what is that supposed to mean? I just mean you'll do the thing That I'm most pressed to do But like Maybe we will look into Just getting a babysitter

For some of the days of the week Like you know That we're working and stuff And then you're like Oh it's my entire salary Yeah Never mind I like working

And being away for the kids So it's all worth it God I do feel like This is such a I always find it The comedians that Were parents first And then became comedians that were parents first and then became comedians.

Yeah. It's good for us because, you know, Cara can't be like, where are you going? I'm like, what do you, what do you mean where am I going?

Where I've always been going, to work. That's the job. I travel, honey. I'm sorry. And in the time you've known me, I've always traveled around the world.

This is what I have to do. She understands that. Cara gets it, doesn't complain it's fine we can do that because it's always been the way if you're like fucking

John Bishop or Mickey Flanagan yeah parents first and then you understand what could I what the fuck could I do to get out of this house

what could I do where I could travel travel get away no qualifications just me and I need it kind of funny I guess

yeah and I need it so that kids can't go there Even when it's local They can't get in the building Yeah I need it It's 18s and over Needs to be late at night

Because I hate bedtime duty They're at school during the day That's absolutely fine I want to get in late So I can sleep in So I don't have to do the school run Yeah yeah yeah It's the

Just for any parent Any You want to know Become a stand up comedian Yeah yeah You get to be 30% of a parent, any. You want to know. Become a stand-up comedian. Yeah, yeah. You get to be 30% of a parent and they don't get to complain. I'm finding it quite hard to write anything that's not baby related. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's really tough. Yeah, because there's nothing else going on in your life, mate. Yeah, that's it. And I'm really trying. Yeah. So I've got, for the fringe, maybe 10 minutes baby stuff so far and five on vibrators on vibrators?

yeah yeah you're featuring in one of the jokes at the minute do I? yeah I was talking about oh god I hope it's

the baby stuff and not the vibrators baby vibrators oh you're talking about my invention yeah yeah the one that

wouldn't let me on Dragon's Den with what do you mean? no not to make them cum just to make them shake You're talking about my invention? The one they wouldn't let me on Dragon's Day with What do you mean? No, not to make them cum Just to make them shake They like it No, no, it does have

Oh my god I understand the confusion But I am not changing the name from Baby Vibrator I'm sticking on that I think your branding works I've paid a lot for graphic design already look you all remember it you're gonna go home to your wife tonight you're gonna be like some cunt came on with baby vibrator first words out of your mouth i bet you and was there a need to have balls on it it stabilizes it yeah and they jingle yeah there's a noise and

why does it shoot liquid to cool them down Why are you making it weird It's baby vibrators It's a normal product People have these I don't want any of the company I just want all of the stock Get me out of this hell I'm going to burn it

I'm going to burn it. I'm going to ruin myself. Why would you say you're going to commit arson on TV? I don't know. Yeah, the bit is the little joke that everyone likes to make. Everyone that comes to visit will say the same joke when your baby does something weird or gross. Like if they fart, they go, oh, takes after his dad. And you're like, that is not that's

rude uh i've never farted in your arms once but it was on uh your son's first birthday he was looking under a skirt i think it was a car's skirt he was looking under and somebody went takes after his dad i went that is a crime you're accusing my friend off actually that is not okay yeah and i go now if my kid had like a manic depression and my old coke problem and imposter syndrome then we could go oh he gets that from me he's got all that from me. God imagine a baby with imposter

syndrome I just don't think my I wabbed when I should have googled I just I don't think my fake cry is as good as the other kids fake cry Any attention? No no

I I think you've still got Because wait I've got smiles like your kid now Yep He's smiling now He's smiling He's getting laughs

Giggles Little giggles Like kind of cooey Like One of the most difficult things I've got smiles like a kid now. Yeah. He's smiling now. He's smiling. He's getting laughs, giggles. Little giggles. Like kind of cooey. One of the most difficult things about being a parent is... Dying on your arse for three months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nobody, and I'm convinced of this, I don't think there's a parent in the world

who can do an accurate impression of their baby's laugh or even an impression of their baby's laugh that isn't terrifying because it's like when the baby laughs you're like what does it sound like and when your partner wants to know everything about the baby that you share together and you're like what sort of noise does he make when you laugh and they'll be like

and you're like god I hope not god I hope this doesn't his head spins round he's loving it I mean I've laughed so much he puked bile the other day God, I hope not. God, I hope that's not... His head spins round, he's loving it. Yeah. I made him laugh so much he puked bile the other day. I mean, even if I was to try and do like a J and he'd be like... Oh, I can't, it's awful.

Like I just, I'm besmirching the good, beautiful name of my son. Yeah, and if you're good at it, what a weird talent to have. What is your son's laugh? It's kind of that, the minute he's going... Oh, it's not even a... Yeah, it's not like proper laugh Starts with a G instead of an H Gah

He's not good at that He also does like A little gummy smile And he like Kind of looks way bashful Like if you make him smile He's like Oh I should

Oh It's funny but I don't know Have you seen his erection yet? A couple of times Yeah Yeah It was very funny because I had to dress up so much.

Please, sir. Did you get this? Did you get your shat, Mr. Producer? I obviously, because I'm a man and I grew up a boy, so I know that you just get erections. Erections happen all the time, sometimes for reasons. On the bus. For no reasons.

You're on a bus. Sometimes you can touch it bus sometimes you can touch it sometimes you can not touch it there are certain strains of marijuana that if you smoke it within 45 minutes

you will be rock hard for like 20 fucking minutes inexplicably like it's yeah I think you're smoking Viagra sir no it comes in a blue powder

oh right yeah my mistake yeah it's like a it's the guy Walter White he had to do it because obviously

it's a marijuana business um where's my train of thought gone I don't know It's the guy, Walter White, he had to do it. Walter Green is doing it now because obviously it's a marijuana business. Where's my train of thought gone? I don't know. We were talking about boners, getting boners. Oh, yeah, yeah. So boner all the time.

I'm not surprised when you get boners. Whereas Cara, for so long, like after breastfeeding, he would come off and he'd be smiling. We'd change the napping of a boner. And she'd be like, do you think that's because? that's because I'm like no man he just has a boner there's nothing sexual in that at all it's a baby it's too early for the oedipus complex shit

this is where he's getting the oedipus complex from we could talk about that in like 5 years maybe but absolutely not he's just getting boners man he's just getting little it's like coughing and sneezing. Yeah. It's just part and parcel. The same amount of fluid.

Do you... Have the time... To listen to me whine... That's enough. About... Something else and I don't know the rest. Yeah. I am one of those...

Melodramatic fools. Neurotic to the bone no doubt about it sometimes I give myself the creeps yeah I think we can just end the podcast there let's sing this out I probably did but it was all me I was doing it like Shatner at the end there

sometimes my mind plays tricks on me I think I've had enough it's all getting too much Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. I think I've had enough. It's all getting too much. Am I just paranoid? Or something else? He seems like a mental man. Shatner, he's nearly dead, actually.

You think? Oh, God, he said the other day he's not got a long life. He said that? Yeah. Who told him? He's not a doctor, so I don't know what the fuck he's on about. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's bad. I don't think I'll be I can't believe a man

Called Shatner Got famous That would never fly If he was Scottish Everyone would be like Nah Yeah yeah yeah Billy Shatner

Oh no Richard's dick Oh no yeah Willie Willie Shatner Oh if you had the name Willie Shatner in high school Here

Hey Willie Shatner Anywhere in like From the 70s Everyone would call you Poo Dick I guarantee it Poo Dick Here comes Poo Dick

Here he comes Joby Booby Here he comes Swinging his big brown cock From his white old balls God it fucking stank Oh P.E.U. Somebody's having a push

Over here And it's Willie Shatner. Goes home crying every day. Runs upstairs. William, why are you running to me? You know why, Mum! You know why! I do, I do.

Barbara Shatner. Husband to Dick Shatner. He has to go through what I went through. It will make him grow into a man you took this name Barbara you could have kept your oh there's a maybe I know this

Shatner I hardly know her that's what they said instead of I do so Cara is taking my second name when we get married

oh yeah and that is because from very early on in our relationship I was like listen I am so progressive

I think you guys I think it's great that you've got the vote you can drive not well but you give it a good go you give it a go that's on to you like got the vote you can drive not well but you're giving a good goal you give a goal

that's on to you like I you saw today I was watching Chelsea women's for your play you were I walked in

you were watching I saw you changing the channel like this as I walked in yeah just watching some women's football actually I do all the time

I'm brilliant I'm an ally I'm not I mean it was just on but I was also like hey Chelsea anyway I pray. I'm an ally. I mean, it was just on. But I was also like, hey, Chelsea. Anyway, I'm progressive. I'm a progressive.

I wrote X. Look how fucking progressive all progressive boy is. Yeah. I mean, I've got loads of blind spots that we're all very aware of. But nonetheless, I'm like, but you're taking my second name. Oh, yeah. I'm like, you're taking my second name. Like, if you've got really strong opinions

I'll back down instantly What was it But if it If you're like 90 If it's anything less than I'll tomato him for you Yeah

I like Come on There's enough Mitchells Yeah Let's get a fucking phone book Right Let's look through that Loads loads loads

Let's look at slosses How many are there Now Oh baby It's your name. I get it, I get it. So we've always had fucking laughs about that. She's always been sort of like,

she's like, oh, I'm definitely taking your name. And then we're getting close to the wedding and I started to feel like genuine fucking... Because it's got to be her decision. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It has to be her decision. It's such a weird thing, really, isn't it? Oh, it's archaic.

It's archaic. Like, I can't justify it. Like, I i want it but i cannot justify why i want it yeah i remember you said to me one of your friends i can't do this because she's my fucking property yeah she you want to know yeah the cow made you a baby yeah and now it's yours yeah um i remember you told me one of your friends took the wife's name i think or they come up with a new i your friends took the wife's name I think or they come up with a new I think he took the wife's name and I remember going oh god

so can he like still parallel park or it was a lot of I had to do a lot of growing I had to do heaps of growing and in order to grow I had to shed a lot of thoughts very outwardly and vocally to do heaps of growing and in order to grow i had to shed a lot of thoughts yeah i haven't grown

outwardly and vocally built yeah yeah and it's it's it's it's like a fucking blind it's one of those things where obviously when fucking kaylee grows up i'm going to be a dinosaur with these types of fucking thoughts so i'm trying to do it now so like setter the other day i that day i'm backwards on that if laura said you're my second name When we get married I would go Why don't I just walk around With a big sign saying I get pegged What are you on about

I love pegging me Get the baby vibrator Get it in there There's no way There's no way I agree with you but it comes from such a toxic

oh it's bad it's bad that's what I think I've said it before if Cara were to have gotten down on one knee with a wedding ring

I would have broken her hand volleying that ring out of her face like I just not has it get

oh why why why could it not be why does it have to be this way but it's nice to know your blind spots instead of just being like no I'm actually it is but do you know what I think the fucking sticking point is right it's the same injustice

I feel to the fact that we've spoken about this on the podcast before you and I both have scars up there from our fucking BCGs no I do not I never got it right but most of our I was immune

yeah yeah yeah most of our generation has these BCG scars up there he doesn't have one Matthew doesn't have one because in the time that I got it to them they went

oh we've discovered that we don't need to do it or it becomes in a better form that doesn't leave a fucking scar really? I didn't know that so he's got no scar on his arm and so

there's been a bit of culture that you've's got no scar on his arm. Wow. A bit of culture that you've missed. Punching each other on the arm. Yeah. Folk used to come up and hit me and I'd go, don't have it. And the fear in their eyes

when they realised they did. Yeah. And I got to hit them back and they're like, fucking hell. And you're like, I mean, still out though.

Yeah, yeah. Still pain. So like, even though, look, I'm happy that there was a scientific advancement, but also also that's

fucked up that they don't get to suffer the fucking thing that I suffered through it's that's it we're boomers that's it yeah it's like I

don't want to be part of it that's our stuff I understand you call this music them taking the second name is this archaic thing it's

this whole thing of like when we used to be proper well I guess it's not always that like it's the joining a family people have different reasons for taking the fucking names

but I'm annoyed that I have to be the generation that has to do the growing yeah even though I'm probably definitely not because Cara was like

I said to her the other day I was like I know I've made heavy fucking hints I don't know I've made the very unsubtle enough jokes But if you do not want the second name Absolutely

I would never do it I was just trying to wind you up And I was like Kept it from my face Backflips My little sexist heart Woooo Get in the kitchen

Laura's always said that she wouldn't take mine because she doesn't like it and lo and behold she's not

married so I'm like why would I get married to you if then what would

change nothing would change I'm only paying two grand for a ring for you to change

your name well I think it's now actually more confident now that you've got a kid

yeah that's true yeah we probably gotta do it or whatever but eh because yeah otherwise I to change your name well I think it's now actually more complicated now that you've got a kid yeah that's true now you've got to because yeah we've probably got to do it or whatever but eh because yeah

otherwise I wouldn't get them yeah ah Lupo oh life hacks parents if you don't want to

become a comedian yeah because you thought that's bad just don't marry the partner yeah and then kill her then you definitely won't get them

I think we feel on this episode we did so much like ironic sexism that we can't do genuine sexism can't end on genuine sexism I feel like people know truly do they hopefully

you didn't hear on the fucking last podcast Kai on international women's day turned to his Surely Do they Hopefully Don't flip out You didn't hear On the fucking Last podcast Kai On International Women's Day Turned to his Wife When they were Having an argument

In the car And he went Stop talking Amazing On International Women's Day Wow Yeah

Yeah Every day is International Women's Day To me Yeah I treat them great All the time Yeah

I think they're swell What did you get Laura for International Women's Day to me I treat them great all the time I think they're swell What did you get Laura for International Women's Day? All my attention I put the phone down for six hours You just did not pay attention to your son She was like please hold your son Nope, all about you baby I love you so much

I made you brownies I need to go for a shower Please hold the baby I shared a green room this weekend with two women. We'll name them. Marjolein Robertson and Amy Matthews. Just the three of us from the majority of it.

And they were disgusting pig humans the whole time. They were burping. They were just on tapas. And I went, this has all gone too far. I'm an ally but I will not sit and be intimidated in this room

by YouTube burping it's disgusting and then I can't remember I said something I went to take a drink and Marley said what are you worried your period's going to

sync up with ours and I went like spat my drink everywhere I was like this is horrible you got your day you got your International Women's Day

and now you're running a balk yeah bullying me they want a fucking week they want a week we already gave black history a month

a month we're not giving you a week there'll be no time left for anything else yeah well only 10 months

once you got Christmas Easter summer it's obviously its own thing you can't have anything there

pride yeah yeah what do you come on when is when is international men's day 19th of November who wants it then it's cold and Yeah Come on When is International Men's Day

19th of November Who wants it then It's cold and wet Oh I know when it is It comes around quicker every year Alright well Do you have anything to plug When does this go out

Monday I'm doing the Glasgow Comedy Festival on Thursday. It's my last ever showing of Doozy. It's my best show. It is. So come along and see it. Tickets are available. Bye. you