Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.24: Mumblyth

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

After the final gig of their triumphant India tour, the boys set up pod in their trailer at The Laughing Dead Festival to have a revolving door of hilarious local talent join them on the airwaves for an insight into the Indian comedy scene and some serious laughs. We were gutted this one ended abruptly to catch our flight and we'll certainly see more of these legends when we return.  Featuring. Daniel Fernandes, Varun Grover & Aditi Mittal

Hello, podcast listeners and viewers. Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. Obviously now me and Kai are out here in Mumbai. We're having a great time. It's been it's been culturally different. Has it? I mean, it doesn't feel different. I really wanted you to try the Geordie accent. I mean, so go on, go on.

Wait, give me, give me, give me, give me. I'm sorry. I'll do his accent. Wait, okay, give me, give me, give me, give me. I'm sorry. I'll do his accent. Oh, mate, I'm canny drunk. Oh, yes. Oh, mate. I'm sorry, dude. That was good, eh?

I'm kinda drunk as well. His family do Indian impressions all the time. Oh, mate. Oh, mate. I'm... Why you having a good time out here. I would fuck a dog on stage. I've done that across countries.

I have literally been simulate humping dogs across the world. And I said, I could do more. Enjoy the podcast. Welcome to the Indian special. job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? So I sat awkwardly wedged into the Winnebago in Mumbai. Yes, yes we are. One of the crush before oh like the crush of a crowd like cramming in

but like god fucking bless our promoters out here because they we thought they were being over sensitive we were just like oh come on we know how to greet people they were like you don't have to meet people and we're like man it's our first time in India obviously we want to meet we want to meet people and they're like please don't have to meet people. And we're like, man, it's our first time in India. We do. Obviously, we want to meet.

We want to meet people. And they're like, please don't do this in India. And we're like, look, our fans are cool. Wherever we fucking go, they're all sound. They understand the rules. I then go, I'd like to go out and meet some fans. And Nihao goes, OK, let me just get security. And eight security people turn up.

And I'm like, OK, this is kind of typical India. Too many cooks for one job, right? You get a lot in hotels. You walk in and seven people welcome you and you're like, I don't need... They're scrambling all over.

I don't need this much... I don't need separating from a suitcase. I don't know why you're trying to jump in. I promise you, you're so nice but I can take my bag to my room by myself. They, you know man when we got to

fucking Delhi yesterday and I was like what's the population of Delhi and the guy goes 33 million and you go oh

so we're not famous here yeah the country's got a population of a billion of course it's going to be a fraction of a billion

per major city so we go out there I mean you know the fucking the gig that we've just had there in Mumbai I think that's only about a thousand

maybe twelve hundred and then when we went into but it sold out so fast that we don't know what it could have been oh yeah and also there were two thousand

people waiting on that queue for photos there were people who were not there and we go out with the security and I'm like this is absolutely

fucking overkill and man the security are I'm like this is absolutely fucking overkill and man the security are doing their best fucking job they did such a good job that when I came to join you late

they bundled me out of the way I had the phone I was an adored fan just flown in from Newcastle so I could touch you they quickly realised

they were just like oh sorry but there was one point there was one point where we're we're huddled around, because the thing is that everyone can get a photo, but everyone's scared they won't get that photo, so they're scrambling at you and trying to, like,

clutch at you and get a photo. And then I just felt someone scurry past my legs, so we're just in this scrum of people, and someone scurried past my legs, clearly wherever they were at the back of the pack, they weren't going to get me anywhere, so they just decided to crawl through, like they were at the back of the pack, they weren't going to get me anywhere, so they just decided to crawl through like they were tunnellers in the Somme.

Man, it's like, it's, like I felt the fucking security, they're doing their best fucking job, but people are just piling in, and then at one point I've literally got a security guard mashed up against my face, and I'm just laughing, because I find this funniest thing in the world, it's so very different to what we've experienced but our promoters are rightfully, like they're worried, I'm not worried, I'm not in danger, like nobody's there to fucking yell at me, they're just there in fucking

excitement but there's just a security guard smooching into my face who's like can you say teddy bear please I know that's your safety word I need you to say teddy bear and I'm like touch my balls first teddy bear And I'm like Touch my balls first Teddy bear Yeah

There is absolutely There is no concept It's when the security guards Look like they needed help Yeah Security We need more security The parents

That are blowing whistles Right Man There's no There's so little concept Of A queue here That's why I think There's no All personal space Yeah That's why I think there's no queers.

It's just LGBT here. There's no queue. There's no queue. No concept of it. LGBT plus, absolutely. LGBT scrum, that's what we call it. So what we're doing now, because we're at a festival, and we've just done the opening show of the festival

and then there was a show on afterwards we just went and watched some of it which is all Indian comedians speaking English 80% of the time yeah doing this weird Hindi Tourette's where like it's so funny because

the second a joke it feels like starts going well the second a joke it feels like starts going well the second they've got the momentum and you've got that sort of rolling laughter thing obviously and we'll have some of the guests... This is what it sounded like to me. So I was at my mother's the other day and she saw what I was wearing and she was like Everyone's dying laughing and we're like are we having a stroke?

Because they did tell me they did that. I was chatting to a bunch of them that's so fucking sad. They're going to be a guest on this podcast which is why I sat up because we're going to

have a guest spot. We're just going to get the festival promoter that's going to bring I was going to say Mumbai comedians but they might be from all over India. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Indian comedians are going to come on and just guest spot like speed dating.

And we're going to try and make them answer political questions that we know will get them killed. Oh yeah, we can leave. We're going to be on the flight before this comes out. They're like, just off the top of your head your genuine opinions on Modi no no it's not I'm not going to pay you all hey hey hey we love our Indian

fans and we want all Indian people to see it speaking of so there is I've been making a fucking point everyone knows my opinion on this cancel culture for comedians does not exist in the UK it does not exist in America it does not really exist in most of europe it is a myth perpetuated by failing stand-ups in order

to sell their dying art form by making it seem that it's in threat and it's not it's in threat in the sense that they're shit not talented and they're not updating their comedy but it's not you man you could go on stage in fucking america I could walk on stage and I could go, I would think it would be funny to shoot Joe Biden in the head with a sniper rifle from 400 yards and try and make it scatter across the dress of his wife. It's not funny. I could say that on stage in America. I could go on stage in fucking England

and I'd be like, how good would it be? You'd do stuff about Green Diet. All this fucking shit. That's not essential. People in here, in this fucking country, if they say anything even remotely critical of government, of religion, they are arrested. And while in fucking prison...

These guests have got no idea what they're letting themselves in for. No, no. It's going to be a fun podcast with Daniel McKay. We're going to get this really cancelled like I'm so I will not fucking listen

to any fucking white male comedian like fucking Joe Rogan or Andrew fucking Schultz talk about fucking cancelled culture when

there are people when we bring them to the podcast will be risking their fucking career and lives by just fucking if you want real fucking cancel culture you coward list godless talentless fucking cunts come to India and then say what you want to

fucking say I'll show you what not being able to say suck that these air like the comedy unleash type bag millions have made a space so that they could say what the one it's not like I mean comedians Google made a space so that they can say what they want. It's not like any comedians can go, right, look, that guy can't enter Mumbai because he's going to get arrested. This is like fucking snowflake, woke, cancel culture gone mad.

Let's make a specific night just so that we can say all of this shit. You're like, oh, that's going to be worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, man. That's going to be surrounded by police in fucking 30 minutes

and you're all going to go missing for a very long fucking period look there was a time they literally now man when we were in Russia I made fucking sure they were like

no gay jokes and I'm like I'm doing pro-gay stuff and if you fucking arrest me you fucking arrest me let's create a fucking international it's so hard

also Putin's a fucking pussy and he wouldn't he wouldn't fucking dare touch me right let that go viral he's got a diplomatic community i absolutely believe that from from the riot act we were read before the shows here

if i did say anything out not that i haven't i don't know enough about the political system in this country to do fair and accurate satire. You couldn't do that. We're not going to. We're not going to because we want to come back. We want to come back so bad. We want to come back so fucking bad. And maybe when we're more famous, we'll get a bit more edgy.

But also, I doubt it because I'm terrified. There was a point today during the fucking show where, man, I'm doing my bit about censorship and I'm acknowledging the fact that this joke doesn't really work in India because India actually experiences real censorship as opposed to the perceived perceived censorship of people just wanting to say the word tranny that's all it is every comedian who's like you

can't see anything anymore just wants to say the n-word just wants to call them trannies just wants to that's all they want and they don't want the um not even political backlash the social backlash is what they're worried about so the tweet i do this bit today where i'm taught i'm acknowledging but i'm also going through a fucking mind field of being like hey this show doesn't work here because you have literal censorship in this country and i was like even i had i'm like acknowledging the censorship they're like even that's not great 10 minutes after that joke the mic cuts out and it doesn't just cut out for like a bit they hand me a backup mic which is also dead they hand me a third backup mic which works when they hand it to me but the second I put it to my fucking mouth

breaks again and then I noticed down the side of the rooms security are in and I go backstage because at this point the mic's been broken for about three fucking minutes I'm just yelling at the audience you know trying to keep them going I go backstage to see what you're doing or Marlene is doing because I'm like those are the people fixing the problem you're not there Marlene is not there and I'm like this is it I've I've said something I said something even like I I wasn't even playing with fire I was playing with embers but that's still too dangerous and I mean don't get me wrong the way I handled the fucking silence was I like I pretend I always don't hear chatting of another comic and I heard the response that you got

and I was like oh he's finished that to be early and then somebody was going on yeah he said he was going to be after 20

and it was 20 past and I was like that's odd that you'd wrap up early against your will never when have you ever seen me intentionally

underrun unless I fucking hate the place when have you seen me intentionally underrun outside of Kilmarnock you would have completely forgotten yes to wrap up that early

100% the gig was going so well when I was in the room but I didn't get out of self it was man when I talk about technical difficulties a problem was somebody walked backstage where they were meant to and had unplugged

by kicking it all the backup mics and then the original mic went down so they had to source whatever the problem was so they were just

plugging shit back in while you were checking dead mics I guess the point where so like man there's only so much comedy you can do like I'm not

boy with tape on his face I'm not that talented I do not have the ability I'm not going with tape on his face I'm not that talented I do not have the ability to get away that if you were which you can roll over my punch lines we do some bets I acknowledge the fact that you know despite my criticism over this would be a great time to know fucking magic and then I was just as a joke I pretended to fucking strip

and somebody went take your shirt off and i'm like i can take your shirt off if you want man i would normally never make him laugh with your body I remember my entire train of thought and I'm not fucking proud of it it goes I went to take my shirt off as a joke

and people started chatting for it and I'm like man this isn't going to get fixed you know for another two minutes you've got to do fucking something and I'm like I'd never fucking take my shirt off and then I'm like

man you've been working out solidly for three fucking months make that episode all the Sydney in Philadelphia where Matt's in a hentai and he's just like, is there any way we can get this into the plan? He's trying to robot his body into whatever they're doing.

Can you get this into the plan? In the most self-indulgent narcissistic thing, but again, I had done as much Michaelis comedy as I could. It was about keeping attention. It was about keeping the energy. I didn't want to leave the stage. I didn't want to come back on an afternoon because I was fucking my joke.

So I shirtless do like a bunch of press ups. And then- Easy 15. Oh. 15 easy. Easy. And then halfway through I'm checking my watch while I do like one handed push ups.

And I'm like this. And they're six seconds. I'm going to kill you. That's three minutes 54. Fucking hell, this is the first time I'm ever going to intentionally underrun. I'm really, really, because I've not had internet yet. I'm terrified to see. Because in the moment, that was, I think, the right thing to do, the only thing to do something to give the attention to

but I think if you were to show any of that out of context back what a piece of you is like oh well I guess if you don't enjoy my comedy you can just enjoy my body stop doing it you had them all I know yours are all

into yoga but have you ever seen Joe Wicks bringing Tabata to India I'm gonna do some fucking burpees I said bringing Tabata

to India then I thought is Tabata like it sounds like it's from Rome here no Tabata's an acronym it's a type of bread like Chabat

yeah no I got there but Chabat's not even Indian is it not no it's Italian okay whatever aye like Chabat yeah no I got there Chabat's not even Indian is it not no it's Italian okay what about cultured swain we just had some

really nice Indian street food as well we did we did and it's been about an hour I'm feeling good yeah

like there's nothing even though I had a couple of Red Bulls as well which like that'll fuck you up more than Indian food I just feel like it's corrosive it's so funny how they fucking gear and smoke and all that and as soon as someone's drinking Red Bull I'm like hey you're putting water in your body

I've fucking literally being like there's not enough for this coke to get up my nose I'm just going to have to finger it up my arse hole it's the only way I'm going to get it

into my fucking bloodstream what you doing there you psychopath yeah gross sponsored by Red Bull aren't you no me

why why because somebody came up in the middle of like a photo shoot and started giving them a Red Bull, aren't you? No? Me. Why? Why? Because somebody came up in the middle of a photo shoot and started giving them a Red Bull. Aye, they did. I thought they were Max Verstappen. Well, no, that's not true. You have feelings.

You felt love before. I felt that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you walked off the plane in India and you were like, this is beautiful, and you saw beauty, congratulations, you're not Max Verstappen. Max Verstappen's only been able to come

since the last iOS update do you think that's what it takes to be that good at something like that well yeah like surgeons surgeons are psychos

yes alright but here's the difference I think surgeons are psychos from birth and I think they're the best type of fucking psychos

it's going right I can chop someone apart I like understanding how body works I'm going to fucking put this to that that's an innate psychopathy it's an innate psychopathy it's something broken in your brain but even though it's broken it fixes society and I think we should fucking encourage it. Max Verstappen

is broken because his dad just couldn't say I love you he couldn't want and he needed it better than Schumacher's because his dad just couldn't say I love you. He couldn't want... And he needed to be better than Schumacher's kid. A hundred percent. He couldn't because Schumacher was better. Because he couldn't be better than Schumacher. No.

And he was like, I've got a bigger plan. I've got a bigger picture. You're going to watch this from your coma, son. Look, I know Belgium has a long history of racism, but I need you to hate Lewis Hamilton like no Belgian has ever hated Lewis Hamilton. I think there's a little bit of psychopathy in being that driven in a non-team sport.

Pun intended. Non-driven. Kind of mean about golf as well, because that's also a non-team sport. Yeah. So, eh... Oh, the way you play. New player?

Doesn't even make sense. Doesn't even make sense. If you were to clip this, take it back, and put it under a comedy X-ray, none of it scans. None of it scans. I love doing that with my mates as well, when, like, somebody puts something on WhatsApp

and I just dissect it you're like let's go through this I've said this a bunch before on the podcast I'm sure but Barry Castanola doing it in real time

at the back of gigs is one of the funniest things you'll ever be part of you'll just start like fucking dissecting a comic's bit and just like unpack why

like it doesn't work if you think about it for a second Davy Jones sellotaping in ecstasy time. That was so funny. He was like, when I'm shagging now, I need a sellotape Viagra out of the headboard,

like a salt lick. Yeah. And then Barry was just like, well, you'd just be licking the sellotape for one. Yeah, so. Because if you sellotape it all, you're not going to get any of the Viagra. And also, like, even if you were just licking the Viagra,

that wouldn't really. Yeah, it's not enough. It's not quite as soluble as to. Yeah, you've got to take the whole thing. Even with the enzymes in your saliva yeah it's not enough it's like the whole measure that's in the pill it's not quite soluble yeah you've got to take the whole thing even with the enzymes in your saliva it's probably not going to do anything

unless you just swallow the whole pill like that it's like a great joke it's just smashed it ripped it's like it just makes sense

it's so good no just I told you see like we're scoring a goal in football it's fucking amazing because you wheel off and you're happy and you wheel off and you turn and you see a bunch of other people happy. A bunch of other people sad, which is also class, so it tickles the fucking psychopath part of you, right? But everyone that's happy and they run up and they're celebrating with you and you're just like, you all did it together.

Like, you scored that goal because of stuff that happened before and that was to do with these guys, right? And it's such a good thing to share. But, like, when I see tennis players celebrating, I'm just like, I didn't think I could be that bad if it was just me. Like, if I have a nice gig, I'd even come off stage, and go, yes, I was a class gig that! Yes, me! You don't know, but would it be wrong to say...

Man, you definitely experienced that type of feelings in the first fucking five years. Back when this job still felt like a competition back when it felt like we were fighting for fucking survival trying to get a fucking did you did you know what um if i'd finished a gig that like uh it was an open open spot at a paid gig and the the book i was in and i i knew it went well and i could tell by their face the love that I did and I'm driving, yeah, I'm buzzing. But, like, I'm only thinking because, like, I'm going to go back and get money next time I can

and, like, it's a career progression. So it is a selfish element. But, like, it isn't the, I won. Yeah, but for me, I've always just thought, like, can you imagine how fucking devastating it must be to like just from my sports knowledge of my experience

imagine being a Chelsea player winning the Premier League for all the hard work that you put in you contributed only nine goals only seven assists got a mound from right back but even from midfield, but it was, man, you know what, your possession was great, your chances created were fucking

great, all of those things are... Yeah, you've, you've, you've, you've done your fucking bits. I would be fucking devastated if I'm standing beside John Obi'Brie McHale and he's also getting a medal I'm like I fucking got him that that's my medal they just made a second medal he did fuck all he's done fuck all

for seven fucking seasons we found him he's the solo sport guy alright that's it no no no

because here's the other thing don't get me wrong I agree with you I'm an inherently selfish person I love sharing the success but you also share the losses as well. You share the upsets, so there's that as well.

You go out to the dressing room, fucking down in the dumps, but you're looking around as well. That's why... There is a little bit of finger pointing in that as well. Man, it's why I like golf, is because I think golf is the easiest sport where you're able to congratulate your opponent. Man, if your mate chips in a bunker shot for 30 yards, is like easiest sport where it's you're able to congratulate your opponent do it man

if your mate chips in a bunker shot for 30 yards you've got to be a real horrible cunt to not go mate that fucking

yeah or you're not like a gentleman where she's like way to go Paula way to go but you wish it was her that was getting

swept off her feet I do yeah yeah yeah I wish it was me but I don't see it as Would you be like that if your teammates scored as well And you'd think Ah, good goal mate

Some footballers are like that Man, man I love Nicholas and Elka But if there wasn't a crossbar in two posts in football His goal tally would be 30% of what it is Like he's a fucking Poaching ball And you fucking need that

He's the definition of like. Like he's a fucking poacher and you fucking need that. He's the definition of like what you need in a fucking team. I think I am inherently fucking selfish in fucking team sports because it has to be with me but then in individual sports is where... because if I get beaten in a team sport it's so very easy to blame everyone else for my failings, right? The reason we lost 3-1, I'm the midfielder. Shitkeeper, shit defender, our goal scorers weren't doing anything, I gave you the chance, it's not my fault we fucking lost. Whereas tennis, golf, I'm like, there's nowhere else to turn. If I'm shit...

Hold on, I bet there is because I've played balls with you and I was doing better and you started clipping my heels. Well that's just funny. I was beating you with balls and you were like... I don't know with you and I was doing better and you started clipping my heels. Well, that's just funny. I was beating your balls in your leg. I don't know where you got an air horn from. Swilled a drink in my face just as I was about to bowl. That was good fun.

Because that's also the type of golf that I like to play. Man, I like batting. The reason I knew I couldn't do fucking competitive football anymore was when we did the Comedians v Critics football. There was one bit where one of the very few critics that I fucking love is... I'm going to get his fucking name right. I think it's Tim Arthur. It's the guy that writes for... I'm going to fucking forget what magazine. Because I'm it's Tim Arthur. It's the guy that writes for... I'm going to fucking forget what magazine.

Because I'm a drunk piece of shit. You're on a joke? Yes. Yes. Bruce DeSalle is who I'm talking about. Yes. Thank you so much. You've done that correctly.

You've saved me. Bruce DeSalle was in the game. I've known Bruce for years. I was about to go up and score a one-on-one goal. It was me and the fucking keeper. The ball came through to me. And Bruce DeSalle just ran up and score a one-on-one goal. It was me and the fucking keeper. The ball came through to me and Bruce Dessau just ran up and just jumped on my back

like a piggyback in the fucking box. Right? Now, in a real game of football, you'd be fucking devastated, right? But at the time, I just remember falling down and the second my knees hit the floor and I felt his arms around my waist,

I'm like, this is hysterical. This is funny because you're not allowed to do this like I think now with I do you ever see that one where fucking Rob Lee

was throwing a goal and Oleg Ganasovsky one of the nicest men in football just sprinted after him and just took him clean and from the back man one of the funniest

fucking things is the soccer aid tournament that's on every fucking year for celebrities versus English cunts. Jose Mourinho was manager and Oli Mars was running down the fucking wing on goal and Jose Mourinho just walked 10 yards onto the pitch and volleyed him in the knee. I'm like man I love

competition but I take it too fucking seriously. So the next step for me, I don't like minor competition. There are people out there who do five-a-side leaks. There are people out there who do low fucking state, dark competitions, cry. Muay Thai, all this, I don't think I'd enjoy that because I don't think I have the capability of accepting low competition stakes. I think it's too all or nothing in my head.

So what I do like now is if I was to do Muay Thai or BJJ, unless there's a finger up my ass, I'm not finding it funny. You got to cheat to make me enjoy this. This has to be like a silly fucking... I want the auto check. We said that...

Do you want a check? Yeah, I was going to say, we said that to come in every 10 minutes with someone and it's been like 25, so I think they might just be... Yeah, yeah, wait, no, and maybe they just heard us talking about how we were going to talk about the government and... Keep it going. Oh, well...

Has anybody come out? So, I've been having... I've been trying to confront my ignorance while over here. I understood that I came out to India with a lot of preconceptions and ideas and I wanted to make sure

that you know they're wrong that comes from me fucking watching TV shows and hearing stories from other people who have fucking travelled

and the best way to find out about people is to actually be there and experience the place but that doesn't mean I don't catch myself having horrifically ignorant thoughts and one of those probably I gotta admit one of the worst I've ever had and this was genuine we had a bit to drink last night

probably got to bed about one in the morning for me we wake up six we get to the fucking airport I'm hungover I'm tired I'm thirsty and you know when you're hungover I know some people out there love water and water is the cure for everything man when you're hungover, I know some people out there love water and water's the cure for everything. Man, when I'm hungover, water, I know it's the answer, but it doesn't make me happy. Drinking water doesn't bring me any fucking joy. It's a task.

You want refreshments. Yeah, I want fizz or I want fruit juice, but the problem with India, all of their fruit juices is fruits I've never heard of. They're all pulpy as fuck. Like I bought some mango thing today, and I'm so thirsty. What are they all?

Back where I'm from, a mango lassie is a ginger slut. So we go, I get this fucking thing. I drink it fucking, I take two gulps. There's pulp in there. Everyone knows my preserved pulp. And I angrily, like, spit it back in the thing. I throw it in the fucking thing. And I just angrily go to the smoking bit in the airport

and I'm smoking away. And I'm so sorry for this thought, but it crossed my mind. I went, I bet I'm the thirstiest person in India right now. And then my brain went, no, not even in the bottom 20. When you had your top off on stage earlier, not even in the bottom 20. When you had your top off on stage earlier, you were the thirstiest person.

Yeah, I also don't know if you, how much of the cast system have you encountered or been aware of so far? Just the fact that there was, this is going to sound like a derogatory word, but there was some guys scurrying around at the gig. That's so offensive. They were scurrying. You've got to stop. First of all, it's offensive for two reasons. One, rats scurry. Two, it's got curry in it.

It's a racist term. You've got to get it out. It's got to go. They were avoiding eye contact and staying low and like staying out of people's way and all that. But like everybody else was like. Eat your fucking potatoes, you fucking racist piece of shit. A little chat. In the language. Yeah.

But yeah, you went and spoke to them. And it was like the guys on the like next level up of society. Cast were like, what are you doing? So that would have been the guys that were like, don't speak that much English, but were like working at the like next level of cars were like are you doing so that would be the guys that were like don't speak that much English but we're like working at the venue and came as suited up for a security position whereas like the next level up would have been like they came to promote us and text and stuff like it's it does seem like there's just this level of like like a

hierarchy in society but like they look me I'll just say yeah I said about the look me like what you didn you doing feeding the pigeons? Yeah. It's people. Aye. It was yesterday I really fucking felt it, because I remember saying to Niha when we were flying to Delhi, I was like, are people genuinely really polite and kind to you, or am I just white in India?

And she was like, you're white in India. Like that's what this is. And I'm like... You know the thing, like, be as kind to the person serving you drinks as the artist, or whatever, like, when you're... Like, just the old show business adage. Like, just be as kind to everybody. Like, I don't feel like that might apply here.

Like, people that have been really kind to us, and you go, oh, they're a sweetheart, like, you can't guarantee that they've been that, or they work as that. I think because they believe in reincarnation. I think we're wrong, everyone may be individually different. I think they're like, you know what, I was probably nice to that homeless person

in a previous life, so he can go fuck himself now. No, I'm being a dick. No, I'm being a dick. Don't spit it that way! That's fucking Apple! That's a faggot! Are you pointing at me, Paul? You fucking say that, I'm like, all spastic spasticated themselves That's fucking apple! That's a Yeah, I'm going to ask you to... All right, all right. Let's try and get us all in there. Yeah, we're all in here.

So, can you do us the favour of introducing yourself, knowing full well that if we try and do your second name, we will come across as ignorant, racist pieces of shit. See, if you say Smith, I'm going to die. Yeah. Okay, I have the most Indian name ever. It's Daniel Fernandez. Fernandez?

Daniel Fernandez? Yeah. Man, we want Indians on this podcast. Get over here. Indian name ever it's Daniel Fernandes. Fernandes? Daniel Fernandes? Yeah. Man we want Indians on this podcast get over here. Daniel Fernandes how did you end up with that name in? Well because many years ago while the British were looting our country while you guys were Don't know what you're talking about.

The Portuguese were also having their fun with India but they But what did the Portuguese have to do with slavery and racism? Nothing at all. They just liked beaches a lot. So they went... That's how I found out. The Portuguese love beaches. The way you pronounce bitches is great.

I love this accent. So they liked beaches a lot. So they went to Goa. And they were there for about 300 years or something like that. And then they fucked a went to Goa and they were there for about 300 years or something like that and then they fucked a lot of our

women while they were there so they left behind their last name so yeah and one of them was your gran yeah I'm Indian

but probably of Portuguese descent wow okay and so is that how they go you know gingers in Scotland and stuff that's meant to be

Viking isn't it that's invasion too no that's blonde blonde is blonde, isn't it? That's Invasion 2. No, that's Blonde. Blonde is? Blonde is Viking. Ginger is the Irish. Right. Ginger is just too much alcohol.

A lot of fucking drinking is affecting the hair now. Aye, aye, bro. Aye. So, how long have you been doing comedy for? 12 years. 12 years. So, you and I, we've performed together. We were out in Melbourne together about, what, three years ago?

It would have been 2016 or 17. Oh, so a bit fucking more. Longer than that, yeah. Because we watched your set tonight and we've been discussing this. One thing I love about Indian comedy, and you warned us about this, is when the joke is going well you all then just go into like Hindi or

yeah it's so funny man and from an English point of view I'm enjoying the joke so much and then you just take a left turn

and I'm like no but everyone else is laughing so this is the thing with Indian stand up is a lot of our set ups

are in English and then certainly there's a punchline that's in Hindi because everything just So this is the thing with Indian stand-up is a lot of our setups are in English. Yeah. And then certainly there's a punchline that's in Hindi. Because everything just sounds better in Hindi. Even though I didn't understand what the jokes were, it's clearly so much easier for you to passionately talk. Man, when I get drunk... You can see the change in tone and everything.

Even though I didn't understand a word they said it felt more fucking inclusive because it felt like that moment in like radio when the mic cuts and you'll be like and now we can all say fuck is it like when you're drinking with me and me jolly mates yes but it was

I'm so glad that he has informed us first that that happens because I would have thought I'd lost my mind. Yeah. You know, if you had just started doing it, it would have took a beat. It's something that we, at least I'm consciously trying to avoid because I also want to become another Daniel who's performing all over the world. Yeah.

Can't just have one of us, right? No, no. There's also a better Daniel comedian out there and his name is Daniel Kitson. Daniel Tosh. Tosh is good as well. You know what? Tosh is good. But also,

I don't think he's done anything for years. So I think on a technicality. Wasn't he supposed to end his career at some point? I remember on his website there was a countdown that says he would stop

doing stand-up comedy at a certain date. Really? That would explain why I've not seen him in fucking years. He's one of my favourite Daniels too.

Yeah, yeah. I think he's one of my favourite Daniels too yeah yeah I think he's I love the the clips I saw of Tosh but then I also remember he had one of those

you know he had one of those controversial moments where like a woman in the crowd heckled him and his response was I hope she gets raped

and you're like ahhh buddy this isn't Delhi you can't even with your inside voice that's bad

don't even inside voice that there's another Daniel Simonson if I'm getting it oh yeah don't get me

fucking started he got absolutely bitched in the final of So You Think You're Funny when I was 18 it was 2008 and he still hasn't let it go holy like me and daniel simmonson norwegian comic uh we're both in the final of the same competition daniel simmonson has an amazing gig because at this point he's been doing comedy

for four years yeah i mean he's been doing comedy for four fucking years he can do it in fucking norway he just fine fine, he was a better comedian. I fucking accept that. I had a really good gig. At least I felt like I had a really good gig. At the time, it felt like the most important thing in the world to my fucking career. Obviously it was.

And I will always, always appreciate Tim Minchin came on stage. He was one of the judges of the show. And before he announced the winner, he went, just to let you all know, this doesn't matter. Winning doesn't matter. L this doesn't matter winning doesn't matter losing doesn't matter the fact that you're all in the final you're all

gonna be comedians and poor Karen Corrin who runs a gig is like no it's very important and Tim Minchin's like it's not important I didn't even place and I'm a millionaire I love how that you've remembered Tim Minchin saying that for 15 years but if he if you had won and he'd said that you would have forgot that in a second absolutely I'm like Kim Min-shin just said nothing and then announced it

he didn't Daniel Simonson upon reflection man he's a fucking brilliant comedian because he's been going for longer

he's a brilliant comedian he's a great comedian he smashed the fucking kid but what devastated me is they go in third place is Sean Walsh in second place

is whoever it was I can't remember and in first place is Daniel sss and a tiny bit

of my heart went me and then the rest of my heart listened to Immensen so hey Daniel is there And then the rest of my heart listened to Immensen. So, hey, Daniel,

is there that kind of start in India as well? Do you have competitions? Do you have competitions? There is a competition called Comicstan, which is a Hindi play of words. It's on Amazon Prime, so it's basically a competition for young and up-and-coming comedians. Oh, wow.

It's like a reality show. It like last comic standing yeah I used to fucking love that show yeah but the Indian version of it so that's one competition that happens if I probably had about three seasons of it really had three seasons of that yeah and I'm guessing there's another one coming but we're not really sure because the pandemic hit Yeah, but that's sort of like the platform for Indian comedians to kind of shine You know when it first came out It wasn't like all the guys that have been going for like five six years or plus like they didn't miss the boat Is that like anyone can get on at that competition? It's actually for newer comedians and I couldn't get on

It would just be weird if I because the. Because the guys who started off with me are judges on that show. They'd be like, Daniel, man. Just give it to him. If they say Daniel, they'll know I won it because there's no other fucking Daniel in the scene. They say Daniel and I walk behind from a curtain. Finally, finally, Indian comedian of the year.

Yeah. Feel free to not answer this question. Sure. We're tourists here. We're not only cultural tourists, we're comedic tourists. I think we have a type of privilege in this country as comedians

that you are and the rest of the comedians here do not get to experience because we're white we're famous when we're from another country and if you do anything thanks for saying way as well sorry i was talking about me and my cock when you're writing material how conscious are you of what you can and cannot say well here how much is there a legit fear so there is a line uh that we shouldn't cross which is religion and politics but i cross it all the time yeah i just released the comedy special on youtube which uh which fell

into probably the purview of the right wing and they lost their shit on twitter so there was outrage for about a week it was crazy they were calling for my arrest uh i was getting death threats uh rape threats as well people want to fucking hell something about my jokes are making people horny i can't believe you've got fans in daily yeah my favorite start i've learned is that daily i I've only just cancelled off. We can't go back to Delhi, man. You've ruined Delhi for us. So every now and then the audience that is, which in my opinion is not meant to watch stand-up, they draw the line and say, hey, this isn't comedy and then we deliberately just cross it. But what a lot of us who have gotten in trouble with the authorities over here have figured out a way to do it

without sort of getting into too much trouble yeah so not at all yes he's hosting and i need him in how three minutes three minutes okay we'll wrap you up into thank you so much by not at all it's done is someone else ready to come on yeah yeah cool great so so then what i had to do with this special that i've just released it it's called Alive and Vaccinated I had to run the entire special through my lawyer so he had to say, okay, this is good to go In fact, there was a joke

in the closing joke of the special I actually had to censor it for the online release because it was a joke Oh, yeah You'll have to beep that as well That's a genuine concern that we have like because obviously we'll

release in this like actually you want that beeped yeah yeah very cool okay

yeah yeah so beep we will we will man we'll not we'll not

we'll not fucking risk anything because even for us we want to come back I just find

that do you as an Indian comic who actually experiences legitimate censorship, when you see fucking British and American comedians complaining,

is that irritating? I know it's coming from a place of privilege because they don't know what real censorship is. I think in the West, I mean, we do follow everything that happens in the West as well. So when comedians complain, ah, this person's pissed off, that person's pissed off. But here there's a definitive threat to your life. Yeah. I still have people getting into my DM saying, if I find you, I'll do something.

If I find you, I'll kill you. Okay, I'm performing. It's only up to me to find out. Dude, I couldn't promote this festival for the same reason. Not a single post saying that I'm performing at this festival because, hey, this is an easy place to find me. Really? Yeah.

I haven't promoted the festival enough. Speaking of the festival, I think you've got to get your head around it. Yeah, man. Thank you so much for coming on. Tell everyone real quick where you're going to be in Melbourne. I'm performing at the Melbourne Comedy Festival the entire month. That's the 29th of March, sorry 29th March 23rd of April at the Melbourne Town Hall

fucking unbelievable great room yes if you're around come watch me and it's called Daniel Fernandez it's called

Daniel Fernandez Infernal Infernal please go fucking see that if you're around come watch me yeah man thank you so much for coming along

my pleasure proper pleasure thanks for having me go host the rest of the show yes yes see you guys thanks so much for that

that was fantastic. So it was a pleasure to have Sid or Rooney back on the podcast. Very interesting to know that they've... Did you miss that? I did a joke just for three people. I was like, it was such a... It was for the three? No, yeah, yeah, I was like, it was such a pleasure to have Sid O'Rooney on the podcast that's incredible

so someone else is going to come and jump in now so fuck do we have to talk what do we have to talk ghost him

aye yo introducing come on in come on in man thanks for joining me man please

do us the honour and the privilege of pronouncing your name properly so that we're not the worst. Yeah, okay. So my name is Varun Grover. Varun Grover. Yeah. Did you get that right? No, I think I got it 75% right, but because...

Varun is my first name and Grover is the second name. Can you spell the second name? G-R-O-V-E-R. It's a very British name. Oh, Grover. Isn't there a fucking mother called Grover? We just had Josh Dominguez in. Yeah, I mean, yeah.

I mean, there was, there is, I think, a British cricketer called Grover. No, there's Grover. Yeah, I'm Scottish. If you talk to me about cricket... You hate cricket? It's an English sport. Ah, OK. That's...

And I know that's... And I also know that's a very offensive thing to say to you. No, not at all. No. In fact... It's not really in Scotland, I don't think, is it? It probably is. I mean, there's probably...

Yeah, and they all play in the Borders. They're all called Terry and they all vote Tory. Terry the Tory. No, Scotland had a cricket team. We did. We did. And four years ago in the World Cup, we beat England. And I know that because whenever Scotland beats England at anything,

we create a national holiday, even if we don't care about that thing. That's like I was speaking to you at the Highland Games yeah yeah yeah yeah which probably actually happens as well so man I was

I was so excited to have you on the podcast because we were speaking a lot backstage you have fucking legit

dealt with the censorship in this country is that fair to say yeah yeah because you because I was

I was speaking to you before and I was like how my ignorance just being like and how scared are you guys of doing political jokes and he's like i open with political jokes and i'm like oh okay right yeah so for today's act i asked them can i do political jokes and they said no absolutely not uh no politics no jokes on religion basically no punching up that that's what they mean yeah so I asked them okay can I can I create a small fire on stage can I burn something on stage and they said no because of the security

reason and safety reasons and all that because otherwise i would have actually you know went with my set which is written on paper and i would have actually you know burnt it on the stage but even then that would be such a statement yeah yeah yeah so they are like no uh not not possible no that is not possible because of the fire safety rules and all. Otherwise, yeah, that kind of statement is probably okay. Statements are okay without taking names because the moment you take a name, people get divided and then people start,

whatever the, I mean, filing cases against people. And that's the process in India. They harass you with multiple cases. So, obviously, man, you've got your own audience out here who, obviously, when they come to see you, you get to... I mean, well, I'll ask you, how much of your comedy, how much of what you want to say do you actually get to say to your own audience?

Like, artistically, I know you've obviously experienced this censorship and, obviously, we play with that, but how much genuinely in your artistic soul do you feel censored? Like there's some things that you want to say, but if you were to, it would just be... I would say, okay, so it's a challenge that's good for me as an artist that there are things I want to say and then there are these Multiple constraints that are there and they're not like like Abstract constraint they are genuine things. I can go to jail or I can you know, I can be Brutally trolled online and then you know

Generally like generally a good thing. So could be threats that actually have substance. Yeah, yeah, it's like fucking Indian death threats are so much more valid than just little white boys in Northumberland. You can't believe, oh, fucking dick, you don't have a driver's license, you'll do fuck all kinds of weirdness. Yeah, so it is difficult to of to live with that challenge but i think if you are

polite if you are clever and if you uh choose your topics rightly and and in a more just if i mean you it's almost like right now it's not just stand-up comedy. It's an argument you're putting. So that argument has to be rock solid. That is one. That argument has to be very funny. And then that argument has to be very just or justified in the sense that people should see that, okay, this guy, we don't agree with him. We probably hate him but he's making a point in a very polite manner and a funny manner because that's what that's i think

that's the power of comedy uh the first thing that hits you is the punchline not the ideology behind it oh the first thing you know it suddenly opens up a window in your brain and you are like ha ha ha this is funny people think it is funny i oh why am i laughing it is really an attack on my ideology everything i believed in but this is something which just made me laugh and now i'm a bit lighter yeah man that's that's an exceptional exceptional way of putting that. Do you get a kick out of, like, manoeuvring around the landscape to get to that point? Whereas if you had just, like, a blank canvas that you could work with, it would be a lot more like

you could get straight to the punch, but you've actually got to be smart and... See, fucking, here's the fucking difference between real censorship and British and American censorship. You've got a man here who takes joy in manoeuvring through all the literal, literal fucking

obstacles and things in place to make those jokes work as opposed to Joe Rogan who's like imaginary obstacles yeah, like oh yeah, that's that's something which, you know, as you pointed out in your show also,

I've seen so many, you know, American comics talking about cancel culture, talking about, you know, facing some kind of clamp on freedom of expression. But, you know, performing comedy in a country, in probably all of South Asia, I think, it is really, you know really getting more and more difficult, more and more dangerous,

and then you have to be more and more. So can I ask you, and if you cannot answer this, tell us and we'll fucking cut this. If there's anything that you've said, and in that respect you want edited out. If there's anything you want edited out, it's gone. There's no question, easy. But it goes out on Monday, so figure it out.

Right, so let's cut this bit out. I have a separate question. Can you tell me any Indian hack? You know how hack jokes in the UK would be self-service checkout machines or the fact that my mother-in-law, fat people. The airplane food. Airplane food. What's the heavily trotted truck? What's a joke if you see another Indian comedian doing it? You're like, buddy, we've all got one of those.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there are a lot of hacks here. One of them, the biggest is basically in Bombay especially. So there are different hacks in different cities in India because of the cultural differences between Delhi and Bombay. So you can be hack in one language and other people don't know. So another person can be hack over. Yeah. So Bombay hack is basically because Bombay is made of different communities.

So Gujaratis is one community in Bombay, which is basically our prime minister comes from that community. And lots of rich businessmen come from that community. So that is one hack that, okay, Gujaratis in the house, give me a cheer. And then, you know, you're mostly you're essentially walking on stage being like all the white people say, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that is basically and generally Gujarati people are considered it's a it's a stereotype that they are misers they don't spend much money so they they are mostly coming on comp passes and all that so that's the hack okay okay Gujarati people in the house give me a chair okay okay shut up because you you came for a free complimentary passes and all so that's one of the hacks but most

of the hacks in India are attached to these community stereotypes. In Delhi, it is mostly, you know, aggressive people. Delhi is a very aggressive city. And generally people have a lot of... Yeah, I felt that. Militant, quite militant city compared to Mumbai, which seems quite artsy. But I mean, we are a festival. Yeah, very wage-filled because of the traffic, because of the heat, and because of generally, I think just because of the political situation in Delhi everyone is kind of constantly struggling and constantly full of rage so in Delhi there are different kinds of

hacks and then of course it traffic in India is a big big yeah starting point for people how much time it's pretty good I was just thinking well, like when you come over to another country and start making observations, sometimes the first observation you make is probably the most hack, like going to Amsterdam and talking about the bikes. Or if you go to Melbourne and you're like, it's amazing that you guys have free trams. And obviously the joke is they're not free. There's nobody checking them. There's nobody checking the seat with his head. The most hack line that you will ever experience will happen a thousand times a day during the edinburgh festival which is a foreign comedian not from scotland will come on

stage and be like is all of edinburgh uphill and we're like man i've heard that there's no i've had like a really long form one of someone coming up a hill and then up a hill and then going back, and he just gives the same direction, but up a hill, but he does the reverse direction. And you see it so often. So when I was doing stuff about the honking of horns, the car's honking horns,

I'm now going, have I just stepped on hack because it's such an obvious observation? Hold on, sorry, is this... Do you mind if I... Yeah. I'm like now going have I just stepped on hack because it's such an obvious observation hold on sorry is this do you mind if I I just so this is this is the one you were

going to burn was it no political jokes this is his set list this is his set list at the top of his fucking set list it says no political jokes and then also

very funnily it goes fuck boy boy, sex, sex, sex tape. I love that sex is in your set list twice. Yeah, in fact, sex is, because that's the only other thing I talk about, the moral policing, which is still a political topic, but's not political uh personality based so moral policing i can talk about because in india we are very very you know queasy about sex we don't really yeah well yeah because i know i know i i discovered very quickly that porn you can't get in this country it's not on the internet yeah yeah you told me okay so you tried logging into

Pornhub and it said okay the government there's actually a notice comes that the ministry of whatever cultural or you know some ministry of information and broadcasting restricts you from getting this website it's it's almost like It's almost like someone in the ministry is really waiting for some kid to log on to some porn website. But, man, it does feel that when that notice comes up, being like, this is restricted by the government, you do think they're on their way. Yeah.

They just, like, smash through the hotel window. We got a point. Because here's something. Now, I'm not proud of this, but it is true. But I have a tradition of whenever we're on tour in Europe, whenever we're on tour in Australia, sometimes when I'm drunk after a show and I want to watch some pornography,

I will watch local pornography because I feel that's supporting the local arts. So... It's because you've been listening to the accent. No, no. But, like, whenever I'm in the Czech Republic, I'm like, Czech Republic porn. Let's just...

How local you get. You get, like, porn in 200-metre radius. Yeah. How local you get. You get like porn in 200 metre radius kind of local. I'm like, porn of that woman over there. There's nothing? Oh man! You want to walk over someone you make puppet do? Do you not do that? You don't go to Russia and you're like, let's watch some Russia when we get fucked. I mean, I think Eastern Europe is just one of the ways to sky the high. Like, some of these women are really hot and unmarried, so I've got to wank out on them.

So with social policing, because I understand that, like, India's gone through this, and please correct everything that I'm about to get wrong. Pre this current government, you had a more and i hope this is fair to say and if it's not fair to say tell us to cut it pre the current indian government you had a more left-wing government uh center or center a centrist kind of we never had a leftist government in india previous government was also center they They had lots of censorship ideas and they were also very, very restrictive. But with the change in the government in the last eight, nine years, things have become more and more difficult because the previous government had issues with lots of other media like so

the TV or cinema they would cut out lots of stuff but not comedy and this comedy actually you know kind of boomed in the last 12-13 years or so probably the previous government we didn't get to test them on this

so we don't know how fucking liberal they were they would have another scrutiny of satire yeah yeah yeah so we don't know so i know the again i'm so worried about what we're allowed to talk about gay marriage is illegal but homosexuality is not yeah we recently uh struck down the law that made homosexuality a crime in India. So around, I think, six, seven years ago, five, six years ago. It wasn't actually been enforced as well. Like, was people actually getting arrested for... Yeah, a lot of times.

So they would, you know, pick you up. They would harass you. It was almost a harassment technique. Oh, just harass you to stop being gay. Yeah, so they were asking you know they would ask for bribes to let you go they would sometimes beat you up they would sometimes lock you up now at least that is not possible legally though of course india is still uh you know a very homophobic country and there are lots of people who still see this as a problem and they are now opposing you know gay marriage which is

on the table in terms of like it is in court so Indian courts will take a call very soon hopefully yes in favor of gay marriage but the government is opposing it and a lot of people who love this government are opposing it. And I feel like I'm very aware of, like coming here I'm often asking like negative questions or questions that might lead to negative answers. Contentious. Yeah, contentious. It's interesting though, isn't it?

Yeah, it is interesting. But I also want to fucking make sure man we've been here for fucking four days I have had the time of my fucking life I could and I will talk for the next two podcasts

about all the things I've loved about India would you be able to tell us what why do you love this country so much I know there's parts

of you you hate in the same way that I hate parts of fucking Scotland but if you ask him to talk about why he loves yeah, go on. Why do you love this country?

What gives you civic pride? There are many, many things I love about this country, first of all. And something that will save us from all the negativity which we see around us is the diversity. So we are a very diverse country and diversity is not just our you know something that has been given to us or something we are even aware of it's something in our whatever in our DNA and that's something which gives me hope that there is space for multiple voices, multiple narratives. That is one. And the second thing is we have always been an argument driven country. We take great pride in talking things out. Right from the so there is so my Insta handle is called Vidushak. Now Vidushak is a term which

is a very specific term from seven seven eight hundred years ago when India was ruled by various kings and it was a union of kingdoms. Sorry again up in three minutes. Okay perfect thank you buddy. So India is was a union of kingdoms every king in their court had something called a Vidushak a critic who was a comic and he his job or their job was to tell the king you have fucked up buddy. That's the gesture. So we had that thing and we have always had that thing.

The court of the king always hired someone to criticize the king and that's something we take pride in. So I think a lot of us are trying to do the same job, which is part of our culture. So I think I have to do it. Man, you do it, man. You've smashed the fucking gig. I have a wonderful gig in here. We'll see you after.

Where can people see it? Do you have anything to promote? Do you have a show online? Yeah. Nothing right now. I'm touring with my trial show in a while, and then I'll bring my show. Yeah, also he did also just share his Instagram, so please go fucking follow him there.

I'm gonna go grab another whiskey. I think we've got, this is gonna run out of memory. Do you wanna get another comedian on before we go? Yeah, I think they've got, I think they've got, and I'm gonna get it fucking wrong. Abisha, Abitha. One more, just give me a second. Sorry, guys.

We've just started recording again. Please introduce yourself. My name is Aditi Mittal. I'm a stand-up comedian based out of Mumbai, India. I just saw Daniel Sloss perform live in Mumbai. And it was an absolute thrill. And we got to see you perform live. and you suffered the same thing I went through. Just having immense talent.

Just raw sex appeal, just raw sex appeal for 10 solid minutes, which is impressive when you do a 10 minute set but I do a 90 minute set. So 10 minutes of raw sex appeal. It's not raw by then it's cooked it's really overcooked sex appeal well done sex appeal yeah well done sex appeal I I have to ask you this

because once you come on you suffered the same thing for like a solid minute the mic didn't work you did your best you were fucking testing it you were getting them there

and then you started to pretend to take your clothes off. And I'm like, is she referencing me? Is it a callback to a previous show? You are now lower, okay? You have to understand how the sages of India are going to talk about how once the white man came to India, and the mic was not working, and off his clothes went.

I think it is so typical Indian that you came to India because the tickets were expensive. So we got you naked, girl. We got you naked. We had you doing push-ups. There was somebody who came and said, you know,

so I was like, oh my God, Daniel's lost look off his t-shirt. They were like, you know, I actually counted the number of push-ups he did. so I was like, oh my God, Daniel's lost, took off his t-shirt. They were like, you know, I actually counted the number of pushups he did. And I was like, really? Was it 15? I guess 15. It was between 15 and 20.

It wasn't a lot. Like I could have done heaps more, but then I was also like, Matt, what'd you get to? Was he on his knees? Was he on his knees down? I was on my knees going, please tell Kai I did 17. Please tell Kai I did 17. Please tell Kai I did 17.

Kai's doing deadlifts in the background just to fuck with you. You tell me. So, I mean, honestly, welcome to India. The moment your T-shirt came off, I was like, he is now officially in India. Fair play to the fucking Indian audience. They handed it back. Yeah, you got it back. I threw my shirt into the crowd and then I got Mike handed to me

and then like I'm like those those mirror things that Germans have on sun loungers. I'm the stage Indian equivalent of that. I love as well just how fanatical the Indian fans are in that they're just screaming and clambering over each other. They get there and they're really Justin Bieber fans that are like, oh, he drank out of this can of Coke. Yeah, they got your T-shirt and went, nah, dog, I'm good. They took the show and they went,

This fucking stinks. We like you, but not that much. No, no, we don't enjoy your white boy stench. He smells like dry cheese, and not in, like, the good brie way. It's awful. Parmesan. It was fantastic.

Oh, parmesan slush. Here's a question for you. the good brie way it's awful Parmesan it was fantastic oh Parmesan slush here's a question for you can you tell us your stereotypes about us that you don't

tell us what are what are the whether it's Scottish English British or even just

fucking white stereotypes when we come to India and you speak in Hindi in front of us and we don't know what you're saying

what are you saying? So like this is I give you the the compassionate part first. The compassionate part first is always like we're like, oh, my God, you know, don't give him the spicy thing. Get him, you know, like bottled water because he's going to have diarrhea while we're talking. You know, just sort of like don't send him out into the heat remind him to carry an extra t-shirt those are the nice things we say yeah because of what i heard is there's a phrase in i think it's hindi which is in india guests are god like it's a really is that what it is yeah which is something that's that's not

in britain guests are in inconvenienceests are foreigners and we hate foreigners. Little language pig. That's right. So we love you guys. But? On paper. But like, so like, I mean, the nicer stuff, I mean, the less, maybe the... Give us the shit stuff.

I want to know, because man, we come from a country where I grew up and you grew up. I have no experience, but I've witnessed so much racism towards India, Pakistan and this area. I want to know... And some of it is steeped in jokes, but some of it's just... But you know what, all the jokes come from a place of like... and this area I want to know and some of it is steeped in jokes but some of it is just fatal but you know all the jokes come from a place

of like it's all like love and malice I mean I'm a bitch so that's where my jokes come from but it's like I agree with you

it's kindness with malice which is I'm going to nip you because I could kill you but I'm only going to nip you and that's because

I love you if I hated you I'd kill you but I'll nip you because I love you that, but I'm only gonna nip you. And that's because I love you. If I hated you, I'd kill you, but I'll nip you because I love you, yeah. That's right, that's right. So the stereotypical stuff is, oh my God, you guys have such a like eye-watering savior complex, okay? Like, you're not dying to be seen by us.

Tell us what you think of us. I think nothing of you. That's what we're doing right now. I think, I think, oh my my god i you know i spent so little time thinking about you the only thing i can think about you is can i make a buck off of you and you don't think it's exotic i mean oh wow, it's different. It's made with worse wheat, I guess. And it's flat and cold and made four days ago

as opposed to on that pan 25 seconds ago. Thank you. Wait, wait, hold on. Do you think our bread is shit? Is white bread white bread? Is white bread white bread? Is white bread white bread? Is the white bread of white bread? No, in fact, actually, no, no, no, I lie.

Bread is quite exceptional. I've travelled across Europe and across the US and across the UK and bread is something you guys are getting right. Yeah. Especially in urban India, we don't bother with too much baking and stuff like that. And so actually,

I would still count the like roti and just people here like I feel like and I feel this I feel like every I feel like 75% of people in this country, if I was to just walk up to them, give them a bag of flour and a bag of water they'd be like yeah what do you want i can i can do this i can do it on the bonnet of my car what are we fucking up to like like there's a level of like the basic and tell me if this is wrong it feels like the basic understanding of cooking in this country is so infinitely higher than the basic understanding of cooking in this country is so infinitely higher than the basic understanding of cooking in the UK

oh my god is that accurate so like you guys have a sandwich for a meal I have never heard someone having a sandwich

for a meal what's wrong with you I would be sent to school with a sandwich with a sandwich are you serious have you never

had a crisp sandwich? You know, get the fuck out of here. A chip bite? That's a heart attack waiting to happen. Do you want tiny children with tiny tumours on their tiny lungs? Did you ever used to put butter on bread and then pour sugar onto it and pour it back into the sugar bowl and you've just got a sugar buddy? Actually, that sounds amazing.

And we've had... I'm like, OK, we found a working class party soon. at the sugar bowl and you've just got a sugar buddy actually that sounds amazing and we've had that's the that's i'm like okay we found the working class part soon oh we're not so different you and i me in the middle being like poor people what are they like life in mumbai just meeting on a level with sugar but twin cities I didn't say it was Hulu, but Mum Blythe. No. I love that. So you know what we used to have? Which is where you boil the milk that comes in for the day and then you scrape off the top because it's cream and then you put the cream on a bread and then you put like a sprinkling

of sugar. We do that if you make rice pudding and the milk hardens at the top and you get the skin and you take the skin out. Oh, it's amazing. Are we twins? Is that what's happening with us guys? I think you guys are getting married. I think there's his eyes going like, guys? I think you guys are getting married.

I've met his wife and I can tell you, the connection they have is nothing. Like a sandwich-based connection that we are having. You guys have a sandwich for lunch. This is ridiculous. The first time... I find your thoughts they're so very funny because one of my genuine biggest complaints about other countries is

you just can't get a good sandwich here no absolutely this deification of sandwiches will not do okay sandwich you day of everything Garage sandwiches. You deify everything. You fucking, you've got an elephant god. Cows are fucking holy. I can't deify sandwiches. Fuck off,

you love trees. That's where we draw the line. That's where the line is. We'll be in a service station, a petrol station in Croatia, just going by the sandwich selection. Shit. Because we don't eat this garbage

on a daily basis like white bread over here I yeah I love I love how you it feels like you're so very very very polite

to white people we love you guys we're all looking to make a buck off of you let me tell you right now maybe I'm giving away the secret of my people but I'm saying we're all looking to make a buck off of you and if so i'm first in line yeah just like let me know this is a free podcast honestly let me talk to my manager this is ridiculous

our manager comes in you're fucking paying her yes yes um we've got to actually go to the airport to leave oh no will you guys do the intro if you just yes so we'll cut this oh no no

before we cut it was it too cruel of me to be like we're trying to make a buck off of you no no no because it's not true it's funny but it's not true

no no no man that's really fucking funny and also you can't say anything to offend these cunts they like

it's man it's like it's man it's not it's not a big podcast and the people that listen to it are scum of the fucking ass oh god my people

yeah yeah which is why can you tell us your socials can you if you've got anything online that people can watch our fans are loyal

to a disgusting fault there's not many of them but they're stalkery so let them know. Ladies and gentlemen, my address. No, my name is Aditi Mittal. I'm on Instagram as ADDYMITZY

that's Addy Mittsy. I'm on Twitter as AWRYADITI that's Rai Aditi. Those two were made at different times in my life. I was going through different things. Go to my YouTube YouTube channel it's www.com slash

www.youtube.com slash dyslexia software again just a different time in my life I've got two specials on Netflix things they wouldn't let me say and a part of the comedians of the world girl meets Mike

please watch them please do I get paid by the view on YouTube videos so just type in Alti Mittal and play the videos in the background don't have to watch them

thank you so much my pleasure you've been unbelievable