Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.25: The All Blacks

Episode Date: March 29, 2023

Muggins and Cream are out the other end of some back to back long haulage to tell you about their time in Singapore and recent arrival in New Zealand after discussing old opinions and routines coming back to haunt you.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done

How are you coping after six long-haul flights in the space of three weeks? Em, you know what? Fine Like, you know, first of all all an important caveat to add for this is i'm not some sort of superhero but i do regularly fly business class so it's like a different experience um but also because we've because the fucking x tour when we were just traveling all of the time so consistently every day that even though like this past six weeks has been a lot. But in terms of my perspective of what a lot of travel is,

it's only like a 6, 6.5. But what is good is because Cara, Caelan and Cara's parents joined out in Singapore. They're on their way to New Zealand currently. We've talked plenty about Singapore we gave them just a couple of extra days there because there's no point dragging a baby around to every part because we had three internals

so we've just done we've just done Singapore which was the first long haul flight and then the flight from there to New Zealand where we'd done Christchurch, Wellington and now we're in Auckland where we are for three days and that's when they're going to join us. Yeah. So they're joining us on the blocks.

Yeah. And then we fuck off and do little skirmishes and then they'll meet us in Brisbane. Yeah. Where we're going to be there for a little while. So it's kind of working out. For me, it's very like, Cara's parents coming over, like the math, it's blowing their mind. They never thought they'd ever like it to go to Singapore. And one of the things, a lot, they lot they've you know sometimes when i feel myself incapable of experiencing joy or

expressing it well watching other people's eyes yeah yeah it's amazing like seeing other people enjoy things you go oh yeah no this is fucking amazing and i shouldn't take all of this that's why i keep a harem of professional plus ones that come skiing with us and shit you know just like i always want to take me like mates from back home all right just to just to share it look we're so very lucky to live this uh life and then hopefully in your career you get to a point where it becomes more financially viable to be able to share it and thankfully we're the one thing that's very fucking vindicating for me and the only other time i've ever felt like it was when can Cara joined on the American tour and after like two weeks

she was like, this is hell I heard you say this all the time she was like, this is awful she was like, you wake up too early in the morning you go to a fucking airport you're in minimum one, maximum fucking three you arrive at your hotel you check in, you shower

Neil sets up the venue, you go do a gig you meet fans afterwards, you drink, you smoke, you go to bed and then you do it all again. You don't get to see these places, you don't get to eat. And you're like, uh-huh, yeah. But to hear somebody else complaining about the thing that I always feel like, because I really hate myself whenever I complain about stand-up. And by the way, I know I do it a lot on this podcast. This is the podcast, this is where we let off steam, but people don't really really see that grueling side of it on socials. Well, cause it doesn't,

it won't also like, it doesn't feel, it's like one of those things where it's like being like, Oh fucking man, have you ever had to carry around a bag of money? It's fucking heavy. People are going, shut up,

cunt. Shut up. But this rucksack full of gold, it weighs like 30 pounds. Like it's 30 pounds a lot. I think I meant kilos. Well, man,

it's the thing. Yeah. That, uh, it's like's like with fucking perspective, people always go, oh, are your diamond shoes too tight? And you go, well, no, no, hold on. If I were to buy diamond shoes, the bare minimum I would expect off them was that they fit my fucking feet.

Like I'm not going to end up in a footlocker and be like, do you do those in a size fucking nine up there? Like they're going to be fucking custom if you've spent that much on something you do expect it to be that's the most privileged thing i've ever said in my fucking life or talking about your business class endeavors um can we talk about you putting me on a flight around the world when you got a direct flight that's never happened before no did you ask for that so that daniel flew direct from singapore business class uh to new zealand and i went middle seat economy via melbourne with a four-hour layover yeah yeah yeah that was like i'll see you in a while then i don't obviously book any of the travel.

But Marlena knows I'm like, I'm not, I'll not get on a plane that's more than seven hours if it's not business. Like I just, it's, I, most of the time when I land a place,

I have a gig that night. I have pressed that fucking day. I've got something the next day. You're going to a part of the world where the time difference is so much. And if you, it's easier to sleep. And I understood when Marlena was saying like day you're going to a part of the world where the time difference is so much and if you it's it's easier to sleep and i understood when marlene i was saying like daniel's gonna fly business we all not because i'm coming on this to how are you but i'm also doing my own shit so i'm gonna be doing like it doesn't like it doesn't maybe it doesn't have my

own gigs yeah so she's like if you want to fly business upgrade yourself and i was like well i'm not where he's at yet so i'll probably not do that that. So it was my own option as well. But it's also, Marlena has always been very, very good. And one of the many, many reasons why she is such a very, very good agent and manager is because she cares about things that you don't ever really pay attention to. And that's why when you go

and experience things that she set up, they're normally a thousand times better than you expect them to be because she's... Like this accommodation that we're in.'s fucking incredible unbelievably good but because of that she is very very good and because she does accounts and because she's just qualified in so many things and because very smart she's like oh you know if we do this way we can cut costs here and like man fucking 10 years ago five years ago all the cutting

costs i share in a room in the premier inn so fucking necessary it was the only way like her cutting all those costs was enough for me to be able to pay my mortgage was enough for me to be able to pay all my fucking bills yeah like all of those and the amount that came in off the tour i wasn't just chipped away at with all these extravagances no and it made a huge huge difference but what's happened is, is because of the past couple of years of my career, we got to a point where- Yeah, mental health's more important than your bank account.

Yes, yeah. Which is why it's like, I'm not, I am not, I never want to feel like I ever did on X ever again. I never want to hate this job. I never want to walk out on stage and despise the audience for making me be there again. And the way to do that is to make travel not a fucking chore. I never want to walk out on stage and despise the audience for making me be there again. And the way to do that is to make travel not a fucking chore.

Yeah, make the bed as comfortable as the one at home. But Marlene is like, great, Daniel needs that. But I can suffer. I'm an agent. I don't give a shit. I'll fucking fly economy. And Kai's working class. The cunt's just happy to be in a fucking plane.

He doesn't even watch the movies. He just stares out the window and screams for the 12-hour flight going, it shouldn't be possible. It shouldn't be possible. I'm flying. I'm flying. It was really funny as well

because she was like, oh, because if all three of us went on that flight, it would have been like extortionate and not worth a while getting to New Zealand or whatever. And like, so where are you going to get on this one?

And I was like, I think I'm the only one that's not gaining anything from this she's getting a cut of the thing and you're getting a cut and I'm like

I'm a sucker I've been on a flat rate but it's also like that stuff makes me feel like don't be wrong there is a massive part of me that feels like a fucking cunt

that when we get onto planes I turn left and you turn right and I'm like I'm looking forward to the next stage when we're all, I turn left and you turn right. And I'm like, I'm looking forward to the next stage when we're all able to turn left and Marlena's able to turn left

and we can all do that. And we did do it in America. You did put us on business the America trip and back. And I said to Marlena, and I was like, look, I fucking, I'm so grateful

for the way you've done things. And it has been correct for 14 years. But now, just stick yourself on the fucking New Zealand flight. What are you doing? Let's just like, we stick yourself on the fucking New Zealand flight what are you doing let's just like

we'll take on the fucking and you know what in five years when this success that I have might diminish you know

nothing is ever permanent nothing is ever fucking guaranteed I could get to a stage where you know the tour you may get unwell might get unwell I might do an Alfie Brown

you may lose your voice I might do a lot of voice which hopefully you may lose your voice i might do a lot of voice which will hopefully lose your voice before you do an alfie brown just whisper in the n-word it's not as quite as hot cutting when he whispers it oh you think i think i think no i mean if i think if we if we want to hold that under a microscope i think there's something really really more vindictive turn this up did this up, did you hear what he said? I think whispering it is... It's trying to get away

with it. Yeah, yeah. Or you're whispering it into a black person's ear and they'll be like, what is it? What are you talking about? You want to talk about the Alfie Brown thing? You want to be two straight white men and discuss Alfie Browns? You know what? I texted him the day as a welfare check.

Aye. I didn't have to see his same number. It was from when I did the Punch Drunk gigs in 2016. For those of you who don't know, there's a comedian called Alfie Brown who, last week,

I think he got into like a... I mean, I think it's also safe to say he's a friend of ours. Yeah, absolutely he is. I don't want to distance myself from him. I'm not going to distance myself. I'm going to be very honest about my opinions here to say he's a friend of ours. Yeah, absolutely he is. I don't want to distance myself from him. I'm not going to distance myself.

I'm going to be very honest about my opinions here. He's getting punished for something bad that he'd done. And I think he's fucking, I read his apology, like he knows what he'd done was bad. It doesn't stop being bad. It doesn't stop the fact that he's- Let me just give the context, right?

So he, during a tour show last week, I believe he was talking to a woman in the front row and he was talking about fucking anti-Semitism in the Labour Party, which is a topic whenever somebody discusses it, I'm like, cool, I'm going to leave here because every time I've seen this discussion happen, everyone starts screaming and I learn absolutely nothing other than I'm never going to weigh into this debate because it's just going to involve being fucking yelled at. because it's just going to involve being fucking yelled at. That being said, I think if I personally were to read like fucking David Baddiel's book, apparently that's excellent. It's called like,

It's Only the Jews or something. I think that might be worth it and would help me get a better understanding. Anyway, Alfie has this discussion with this girl, this woman. He talks about it online. And then obviously people who are on the other side of that debate to him found an old clip of him,

I think eight years ago, where he says the N-word like nine times in a routine. Now, context is always important, right? But before we get into the context of the joke, I'll also acknowledge, just don't, any whiteys out there, just don't say the word. Even if you're trying to be subversive,

even if you're trying to be intelligent, none of us will ever understand what that word feels like. Now, don't... I was going to say, I've spoken with this before. In my 2013 show, I did it when Reggie Hunter said,

shit's just got real. And I said the word on the set. And my whole thing was like, I don't know how to respond to that because like, I don't want to take credit for a struggle that I wasn't part of. Yeah.

Like I'm sad. I'm not. So like I did that one time, but luckily for me, it's not recorded. So when, when I'm like fucking educating myself and trying to fucking educate other people

from the blithe region who are being fucking openly racist online during the black lives matter movement where i was just like oh shit these people are in an ignorance that i can help them out of before they say some shit that they regret i didn't have that getting fucking taken out of context and put online to bring to devalue everything i've learned since 2013 it was important to know that even- And even then, I still didn't think what I was saying was bad. It was like,

I was quoting somebody who actually said it. I shouldn't have said it still. And Alfie's bit is within the context of language and slurs and whatnot.

But don't get me wrong, I never would have fucking done the joke even if it was in my head I'm like that's a conversation for friends where I'm like

here's a joke I'd love to do on stage but I never fucking it's also problematic because of the volume of how many times he says the word and he seems to be

relishing it so it doesn't come across good because it doesn't matter we've all gone or at least I can and it was a joke about language it wasn't a joke

so much about race I have absolutely in my fucking career and I probably will again try to be a fucking edgelord, try to do something where you're going to do something dangerous that shouldn't be done so Oh man, the rape jokes I did when I was an open maker, my god

what was I doing? I'm pretty sure even with my sister of my history I definitely said retard on stage not that I think that compares to the n-word but then also it's still a fucking slur even with like my sister of my sister I definitely said retard on stage like there's not that I think that compares to the n-word but then also like it's still a fucking slur and we'll not understand how it feels to hear that

in recent times you've said the f-word quite flagrantly because you feel like you're surrounded by so many gay people that it's okay with that that is just white boys surrounded by black people dropping the n-bomb so so that basically like everything that we've said and done Just white boys surrounded by black people dropping the n-bomb. No, it is. So that, basically, like, everything that we've said and done in my career,

like, there is stuff that could get us all. Yeah. And what happens here is, in the situation that Alfie's been through, I did some research on this. In America, where stand-up comedy is the most popular than it is anywhere else in the world, it's, you know, I don't know if it created stand-up comedy, but it certainly perfected what is the modern day version of it. It's the one that inspired all the other countries to get involved and do it. Like, when you think of comedy, most people would just name mostly American comedians, if you were to ask them globally, that is. if you were to ask them globally, that is.

So in America, where comedy is the most popular, less than 10% of the population consume stand-up comedy in any format. That's live ticket sales, that's people that stream specials on Netflix, that's people that... Less than 10, 30 million people in America, less than that, watch and consume stand-up comedy.

So therefore, it's reasonable enough to assume that those statistics are true, if not lesser, for every other country in the world. It's going to be less than 10%. And that's important. It's important that most of the population doesn't enjoy stand-up comedy, because it's not for them. It's for us. And when we're in that fucking room and it's just us,

the reason jokes that are taboo and horrible make us laugh, because we're like, man, if you were to say this in the street, you'd get fucking yelled at. You'd get fired. A lot of people would get fired from their job for saying what we say on stage. And also, that's why the best gigs are in basements, because you like to feel like prohibition.

You like to feel like a speakeasy, just like you're fucking underground and everybody knows we're here. It's punk, it's fucking rock and roll, it's all of this. So what happens when something is resurfaced like what fucking Alfie Brown did there? First of all, you've got to understand, there's just people out there

who, when they hate someone, will just do what people do, which is go through everything they've ever said in the past, take those things out of context, put them up there, and use it to be like, look at all these awful things he said, the past, take those things out of context, put them up there and use it to be like, look at all these awful things he said and taking all of these jokes out of

fucking context. And it is just this, you know, mob mentality of let's fucking destroy, destroy, destroy and get rid of it. But these people do not watch standup. These,

when this fucking happens, like I, you know, they're going to try and get Alvy pulled from these fucking venues because the other threat they have, which is I'm not coming to the show. You were never going to the fucking show. You didn't hear of Alfie before this. You don't watch fucking comedy.

Like, when it's put into the rest of the world where stand-up comedy doesn't fucking belong, they don't know how to react to it. Like, Alfie Brown has 12,000 Twitter followers. And all of the fucking tweets about him were getting like 200,000 fucking retweets. belong they don't know how to react to it like alfie brown has 12 000 twitter followers and all of the fucking tweets about him we're getting like 200 000 fucking retweets none of them know who he is none of them will ever know who he is they were never going to see him fucking live but don't get me wrong i imagine from fucking alfie's perspective it feels like the entire yeah it was feeling overwhelming screaming at you and also i i personally i think his apology was good it was I was wrong I tried to

I've grown since I've grown since and but here's the thing apologies will never be enough for these people because they do you know what

sorry to interrupt but you know it was gutting for me about that whole thing when it was like it was 2015 and I was like that was just the idea of that

and then I was like that's fucking nearly a decade ago I was totally gutted to find out how much time had elapsed since 2015. I was like, oh no, 2015 is a time where people are claiming times have changed since then. But they really fucking have. It was a massive culture shift in 2020. Yeah, but I also still don't, I think we can say with good reason that even in 2015 that routine was probably mostly unacceptable but oh yeah i yeah considering i said i was doing

something not even close to as bad as that in 2013 and i dropped it because it didn't feel right yeah but when so obviously the apology isn't enough for all these people who fucking hate him and just decide to hit him because that's the target they have for now. And they're going to continuously find clips of him and have a word where they're going to take his jokes out of context and they're going to use it to prove that he's a bastard and a fucking evil man or whatever. The apology will never be enough. When people get offended by comedy, it's an ego thing. You, someone they don't know, has affected their emotions in a way that they didn't think was possible. And you don't know who they are.

You've upset them and that hurts and they hate that. They don't want that to be erased. They want you to bend the fucking knee so they can make you feel the exact same way. They want you to feel as powerless and as helpless

as they did when you fucking offended them and nothing you can say will ever ever be enough because the only thing you can say is when you say something wrong horrific something that you shouldn't have fucking joked about is I am sorry that was wrong and I promise I will change from here on and that is the only thing you can ever say I also sometimes don't think the word sorry is always necessary. I think the promise of growth is what I want more than, you know, anything fucking else.

I saw, I listened to a podcast once about the word sorry and how Donald Trump didn't use it. And Justin Trudeau used it really frequently. So he gets way more backlash for the things he says because he's got a propensity to apologise. Aye. Because like, he he says because he's got a propensity to apologise Aye because like he'll admit that he's wrong whereas Donald Trump

just wouldn't admit he was wrong Yeah so like he would just plough through and get away with it all em which is a fucking bullshit way for society to have settled into em

eh I think Alfie's still coming too He's coming to Australia yeah I read a thing that he because it was about he didn't get pulled by

off up the creek or something because there was a thing that went around that he got pulled from up the creek and it was just like

a mutual decision he said I don't want a gig right now but he's still going to Australia so he'll be there they love his racism Justin Tarlow do the N word he's like what am I going to do They love his racism.

Justin Tarver, do the N-word bitch. He's like, oh, what am I going to do with my career? I've got it. Go to Australia. Yeah, I watched the thing with that trigonometry thing

where the two lads were like looking through the barrel of the camera going, they'll get you next. They're coming after you. They're going to bring the woke mob they're going to bring everybody down but Alfie you've got a place for me here you've got a platform

here on Trigonometry and you when they come after you you've got a platform here and I'm like what makes you think that I wouldn't go back and work at the leisure centre before I took on that platform I just go and get a regular job before I fuck you think I just need to be seen that much that I'm just like right any platform

will do just someone listen to us that is what eventually fucking happens it's happened with Brian Callan over in America which is when comedians get air quotes cancelled and attack for things they've said or done now it's important to understand that Brian Callan is a and I have to say this legally

but please look at the glint in my eyes an alleged rapist. Matthew, zoom into my eyes. Brian Callan is an alleged rapist. When you get, you know, get to the point where the left and the centre no longer want to watch your comedy, the only options are either quit comedy and stop doing it or lean in to the right wing grift and just fucking being

like okay well you know the left is overly sensitive and they're heavily police and you know there's no apologizing to him there's no fucking place in them but i'm just going to go over there where you can say whatever the fuck you want and I'll change some of my opinions because Brian Callan's now on Louder with Stephen Crowder I don't know who these people are Brian Callan you'd recognise, he's one of fucking bald frauds mate

He was in a random film wasn't he? Warrior. Yeah that was it I was going to say because I've seen Warrior and I know who you mean now So Stephen Crowder is this right-wing fucking guy who just, he's just like a smaller Alex Jones, has this podcast where he talks about right-wing talking points and makes funds of trans people.

And then it's like, buy this cup, buy these pills, buy this juice. But it's all part of the grift in order to make money. And it's the Tucker Carlson thing and the Piers Morgan thing of, if you throw enough money at me, I will change whatever core values I have because my actual core value is, I love money and I want more attention. So I just can't see Alfie doing the right way in grift.

Nah. Can't see him. Nah, I think he'd rather do anything else. Why? I don't think they realise that this is their only option is to come to us. And you're like, nah, there's also the option of being a bum on the street. Aye. That's way, way before that.

Look how fucking miserable Andrew Lawrence is with his fucking audience. Aye. Because he had a centre fucking audience. He had got people that liked his stuff because he was such a good fucking writer. I reckon I'd fucking mop up with that crowd now enough. I just started leaning into right wing, fucking working men's clubs. Oh, you could...

I'd fucking... Did you see that? Jim Davidson is on a tour called Proper Comedians Tour. They put proper in quotation marks? Yeah. Did they mean it? I'll give you one guess As to what the word proper means Straight white man

Over 55 That's what all seven are Proper stand up Proper stand up You can bring your wife but don't let her laugh I don't know Did they mean the air quote The actual quote marks on proper

They put proper comedians But I just like they put proper comedians but I feel like they meant proper comedians but they put like a they put an accent on proper it's code for racist right

because that's what that's what that's what boomers mean with like back in the days of proper comedy and you're like you mean Bernard Manning

you just mean Bernard you mean the jokes taxi drivers tell you to put in your set yeah yeah yeah moving on and speaking of countries with actual legit cancellation policies we'll just speak to Singapore

where like I don't think Alfie would be able to just cancel a gig and spend some time with his family if he played that in Singapore Singapore comedians have a term for obviously it's a place where you are not allowed to criticize the government and and if you do which we seem to constantly do just as we leave the country like where the cowards yeah yeah yeah it is really like it's a it's another form of like

fucking white savior fucking privilege to be able to go to these countries say whatever the fuck you want and then just leave and be like well i guess i had the courage to do what they didn't motherfucker you don't live there and you're never going to deal with the consequences it was the um getting off the flight they've done an announcement before i disembarked saying um that make sure you don't bring any drugs into the country even edibles even cannabis um because it is punishable by death and the death penalty and and you can still go there and like talk about drugs and joke about drugs and mention you took drugs now if like legally it's punishable by death but if morally you think it's punishable by death then you shouldn't be just accepting of people joking on about it what are you doing what are

the singapore government's listening to this what are you doing? One of the Singapore governments listening to this, what are you doing? Don't tell them to fucking kill me for talking about drug use. But you know, like if, say, paedophilia got punishable by death, and a lot of us would be in agreement going, yes, uh-huh, kill that cunt. Unneeded by society.

Fuck the kid, kill him. Punishable by death, right? You're like, fuck the kid, let's kill him. That's how we got here. Fuck the kid the kid kill him punishable by death right so you're like fuck the kid let's kill him fuck the kid that's how we got here fuck the kid

then kill him yeah if then somebody from a country where that wasn't punishable by death came into our country

and started going shag loads of youngins back in my place I've just been shagging youngins in Amsterdam right you wouldn't just be like what do you like

it's just so liberal you'd be like huh so the you like? It's just so liberal. You'd be like, huh? So the fact that the law and the morals don't add up just makes it feel fucking really jarring. Yeah, yeah. But it's not the people that voted in that fucking law. Like when you get to Singapore, I don't know if you know this, but the motto of Singapore is Singapore, you wouldn't fucking dare oh everything runs perfectly

runs perfectly everything is so clean everything is so well done it's so very safe so clean and you walk these streets there's no chewing gum on the floor you know why

punishable by death yeah it's illegal to have chewing gum it's not punishable by death but it is heavily but it's punishable you look at Singapore and you're like this is amazing

punishable by breath this is such a good society but what evil took place to get this place this safe and good yeah

like it's yeah don't look in the don't look in the closet it's like a super officially tidied place where all the fucking dirt's behind the

yeah it's just been quickly put hidden away aye but it's a fucking gorgeous zone I like being there. Yeah, yeah.

It's dead nice. Hotels are phenomenal. Yeah. Everyone's good. The food's always so good. Singapore was the first. The lifts are fast. Yeah. You get in one of the lifts

that comes immediately. You press the button and you're on your floor immediately. Yeah. It's all very, very efficient. The gig was fucking great fun. It was so good. You know what I love

with that gig is, and it's probably because of the accent as well and the language barrier and they're like leaning to listen. But you know when you're feeding in, when you're feedlining, you could hear a pin drop. There's no like rustling around,

there's no movement, there's no like just backdrop like whispering. There's no American voice of a guy just repeating the punchline to his girlfriend. Because sometimes there's just like some ambient noise not enough to mention it right but to hear complete stillness like that is so

unnerving because you're like if I get to the punchline and they're still this quiet I might just snap my own neck out but they'd laugh hard that was what was good about it. It just fucking peaked every punchline yeah they're

really class gigs enjoyed it last time I was out enjoyed it this time hope we can come back after this episode I think we're fine like the thing I was saying earlier

the Singapore comedians have a term which is called having tea with the police which is like if you do say anything negative about the government

like you'll be having coffee two days later and then just like three police will turn up outside and then two of them will just sit where you are and just explain to you why that joke's not going to happen again whereas if you want to talk about cancer

culture in the UK I hope Boris Johnson dies I'm glad the Queen is fucking dead I hope Prince Andrew dies it would be good if Rishi Sunak was hit by a car Jacob Rees-M Deserves to be shot In the fucking head Up the rye Free speech baby

And then we went to New Zealand Which was your first time In New Zealand Yes It's not often I get The scratch country Off the scratch map anymore

Which I've got one of those And I haven't unrolled it yet But I think I'm gunny Yeah I really like it here Yeah the scratch map anymore which I've got one of those and I haven't unrolled it yet but I think I'm gonna yeah I really like it here yeah I am the people have got

the right attitude yeah they're sure of themselves without being arrogant yes they're proud of

their country but without being nationalists and they're like dormant last night was class. We had a fucking belter night last night. We took an edible that was like the perfect amount.

And by that, I mean, it was just too much. Yeah. The fucking dream. We went out with a friend of ours, Duck, and one of the boys from Foil Arms and Hog, Sean Flanagan. And we go to this... You might remember Duck as being on the

roast of Daniel Sloss the only one that wasn't hiding from the camera by the end of it he was on like a couch full of people it's so funny

because the camera on the room there right is like a handful of people but there's 20 people in that room but you can probably

count about 6 in the camera right by the end of it you can just say Duck and everyone's just against the window hiding from the camera just like I don't want anyone to see me this wasted yeah um we the first time we're like i i think it's fair to say that it it's a assumption that most people

have that 95 to 97 percent of doormen and bouncers are pieces of shit. They're the type of people. The badge has gone to their head. Yeah, it's gone to their head. They never become cops. Yeah. And it's just this thing. It's their way of having power over people in society and the world because they have none of it in their own heads and in their own fucking hearts.

And if there is any sound ones that generally work at comedy clubs. Yeah. fucking hearts and if there is any sound ones that generally work at comedy clubs yeah yeah or or they end up becoming like the head of security firms because they're just like good and they don't they can de-escalate yeah there's no uh yeah there's no violence on their fucking history first thing that i knew this doorman was fucking sound as cunt the sound is fuck right when we get in he's got that like desk and he's got that like little camera that they have

at some things which is like hey we're gonna ID you when you come in and we're gonna take a picture of you scan your face make sure you're not on any of the fucking systems

but also that we've got a record that it was you here yeah it was a very official looking Diaz that he was stood at wasn't it and man we weren't not drunk

we were like we were drunk we were fucking stoned and we were being like loud as we were not boisterous, but just fucking laughing at each other.

And this is such a key moment where most bouncers will be like, ID and they just fucking stare at it for two minutes. And they'll just take the, they'll take the buzz out your night, just let you know

he's in charge. Yeah. Just so that you, just take your enjoyment level doing a couple of pegs so that he can manage you a bit more. Just so he can,

he makes you feel that you've got to say fucking yes, sir, no, sir, three backs, four, sir. He'll keep one of you fucking tight. he can manage you a bit more just so he can he makes you feel that you've got to say fucking yes sir no sir three backs four sir he'll keep one of your fucking pegs

feel pleased that you got in aye and you're like oh thank god thank god I can be a paying customer at this overpriced establishment yeah

this guy just went you guys having a good night and I'm like here we fucking go and I'm like yeah man great and he's like cool

enjoy and I was like really he's like yeah you guys don't seem like you're gonna do anything. It was,

when we were chatting, because we did like mention about that when we come in, you were just like, you were just really sound like you're just like, that would just continue our enjoyment of the place without fucking ironwood, eyeballing or like expecting the UK. And he was like, well,

I want you to have a good night. Yeah. And like that Kiwi accent, that's just like, I always like go to Korg off of Guardians of the Galaxy. All right. Yeah, bro. Yeah. Yeah. Bro, I want to do that to you, to Korg off Guardians of the Galaxy. Yeah, bro. Yeah. Bro, why don't you do that to your bro?

Just want you to have a good night, bro. You coming to my place? We go at one point, just to fucking vape, and there is this drunk guy who is also- Clearly on crystal meth or something. Yeah, it's drunk and there's also methamphetamines somewhere in his body he's not tweaking or whatever but like

he's going and he's chatting away to them and he keeps asking if they could come in and he tells them he can sing or something doesn't he so he's been very nice

he's like buddy I can't he's like man you're just you're clearly really drunk you're wasted man I don't think it's going to be the best place for you

if you go and sober up I fucking like you and he's been really and the guy's begging and pushing I'll sing you a song and he goes i'll sing you a song and it's me goes sure tell you what if you sing us a song you get the fucking impresses us we'll let you in and then the guy starts having this panic he's like okay okay we've just we've come out we've been chatting the doorman uh we're having a vape and then uh we just start clicking him in it's

like forward start clicking him in the could get like forward. Just start clicking him in. The kid gets a bit of confidence. Bye. Jesus. He has the voice of a fucking angel. He's this twitchy little crackhead and then he just starts belting into fucking John Legend or something. Now, there was part of me that while this was going on, where I'm like,

if I were to take the situation and put it in the UK, this is really cruel. Humiliating? Yeah, because this would be a UK bouncer just going, all right, junkie, fucking dance for me. Dance for me, yeah.

You're out your own head and I'm going to have a little fun, laugh here with my fucking friends. But the doorman let the guy bargain. He was like, all right, I'll hear you out. He said, you're going to sing. And the guy fucking sings and he sings for like fucking two minutes. We're bopping away. And at the end of the door man went man fair enough

like that was fair enough like he turned around like the voice I didn't think I was ever going to let this guy in that was me job just to stop you getting in but there we go and then you let him when we were coming out later

and talking to him I'm like man you're like one of the soundest doorman I've ever met in my life he's like man look the guy came in for 10 minutes he didn't manage to get any money off people I was keeping a fucking eye on him I'm not going to fuck you know he's like man look the guy came in for 10 minutes he didn't manage to get any money off people I was keeping a fucking eye

on him I'm not gonna fuck you know he's like I try to judge people based on you know their character and

in the moment he was like such a hard look at dude and he was like I don't believe in violence bro this fucking six foot eight brick

Maori fucking shit house like all of these stunning fucking tribal tattoos yeah one of me men

one of me boys oh we're in the same tribe are we I didn't see you yeah um like a man that could just

fucking crush melons like fucking and he was like I got a son bro I got a family and he showed his picture of his son

giant of a brick shithouse giant of a he's like 30 and I'm like he bro. I got a family. And he showed his picture of his son. Giant of a mother. He's like 30. And I'm like, he's 30. Yeah. We're like, does he play rugby? But he turns, yeah, bro.

All the time, bro. It was just nice. Look, I'm sure people in New Zealand will tell us stories of times bouncers have been a fucking arsehole. We have had a really good ride of like everybody that we've spoken to has been really fucking sound. All the staff at restaurants and hotels, like people that we meet after the gigs,

people that we've ended up drinking with. And we've only been here a couple of days and I'm just like so far from a country that I've just stepped foot in has represented itself better than practically any country I've been in. New Zealand always makes me sad because in my head I'm like,

this is what Scotland could be like if it wasn't attached to England. If it just floated off and had a nice warm climate. No, no, no, man, the fucking climate wouldn't matter.

We would just start burning more fossil fuels and wait 30 years. But like, it's, we are, it feels like we're fucking held back because we are physically the same. Oh, we could be like you. Yeah.

We're going to have that identity. Scotland is more liberal than England just the fucking way they vote I mean don't get me wrong I don't think the Scottish government is perfect by any fucking stretch of the imagination and I think in recent fucking years it's started to eat its own tail and become a bit fucking mental

but it's a lifestyle podcast not a politics podcast oh yeah fuck so we did the Christchurch gig which was amazing that was one of my that was top five of my career for me

yeah you came you came off with that same buzz that I come off in Bangalore aye I think I did like I did an unprevent

I think I did like two hours you breached two hours yeah but you did like kind of put it in their hands yeah yeah I said to them you were

because you were just like how long have I done oh fuck is there a curfew nah but you did like kind of put it in their hands yeah yeah I said to them because you were just like how long have I done oh fuck is there a curfew nah and you're like do you want to just keep this up and really cheer

so you give it to them you let them choose their own adventure it was because there were so many things that like you uncored yourself you uncored yourself by accident yeah like there was a fucking fly

that wouldn't leave me alone for a fucking age so I ended up getting five minutes out of that at one point I ran out of whiskey you had Noel Field in routine fucking I couldn't believe that was happening to me when I watched that

it was McIntyre's Roadshow wasn't it Noel Field had done a segment on McIntyre's Roadshow and it was just him like pretending to be a fly or follow a fly or something it was like the fucking Breaking Bad episode everyone hated I couldn't fucking stand because i hadn't watched bush or anything so i didn't know his cultural significance and i was just watching somebody doing the job that i'm just taking up going what are you doing and i fucking i think if i'm being honest i think the

reason i hated mighty bush wasn't first of all it's not for me it's not my type of fucking comedy i don't find i have a deal breaker for some people if you don't like the bushleg. I don't think just being random is clever or funny. I think it is a very, very simple format that's, fair enough, speaks to the mind. Mad lips. Yeah, it's mad lips.

It's very simple. That being said, I guarantee, no fielding, it's an absolute fucking sweetheart everyone I know who's ever talks about what a lovely bloke he is I've seen him on

Great British Bake Off I'm like man I reckon I could spend three days with you you're not mad at him and what he did you're mad at what he spawned

yes I'm mad you're mad in the same way that's why you're mad at Phoebe because Phoebe created kooky people yes

and and he created and I also and he created random Phoebe created cookie people. Yes. And, and he created, and I also, and he created random people, create random people. And it was at this time in random, it was time in school, like when we're all in our fucking teenage years and there was me and my

friends and teachers and other people, people who were genuinely fucking funny, people who were like funny in their own right. And then for like like three months of the year whenever mighty bush was on television the unfunniest cunt on the bus and in the class just got to be like i'm old greg i gotta man china and half the class would be like i'd be like this is this is fake he's a charlatan. This isn't humour. Oh, that's,

yeah. It's like, you know, Tim Minchin is so fucking brilliant. Stuart Lee, I think is great. Stuart Lee fans suck ass. Daniel Kitson fans suck ass.

And a lot of Minchin. I think they're better than that. And they just spawn so many, like, what's the opposite of lookalikes when the soundalikes, soundalikes on the open mic circuit Mind you I reckon I reckon there's got to be

people out there must fucking hate my fans I reckon because my fans think my comedy is intellectual I bet when they like some of them talk about it they talk about it being like oh it's just so smart there's people being like they can't pretend to wank off prince andrew for 10 minutes and then did a joke about japanese people where he just did their voice this is your intelligent god

when they boil it down to its component parts and take all the magic out of it it's funny you know we're talking about comedians inspirational comedians spawning copycats Natalie was because like she'll come when I'm doing tryouts

trying out new material at the stand or whatever and she'll come along when I'm on open mics just fleshing out material and she's like she's from Glasgow

so she sees people that are doing the Kevin Bridges voice and she's like you do know that's not a glasgow voice that's kevin bridges's voice yes there wasn't like a bunch of people that were walking around talking like kevin bridges kevin bridges came as a unique variation like he took the glasgow accent and he gave it this cadence and these pauses that it didn't already

have and he was his own unique person within the Glasgow accent and now everybody's just acting as if that's how they spoke in school and that's how they were raised to talk and you're like, no, you're not, you're not being, like this is somebody from Glasgow

telling us this, you're not being from Glasgow, you're being Kevin Bridges. Do you reckon if you were to be at one of these open mic nights and there was an open spot who was like a massive fan of yours been fan of yours for like fucking eight years you were the reason they got into

comedy they watched you for four years they watched you for eight years they've decided that they wanted to stand up comedy and in the way that i sounded like fucking ed burham when i started stand-up comedy in the way that we all just do impressions but do you reckon you'd recognise somebody doing impressions of you or would you just be there being like fucking hell

this chick's class this chick's unbelievable man her mannerisms her cadence this this bitch knows how to tell fucking

I don't know what it is about her she needs to stop eating her boogies though it kind of happened there was you know you know the lad

he's a friend of ours Connor Wilson he comes to our gigs in Newcastle when we do them you might even be listening to this he started doing open mics like shortly after I started

like about three years after I started and like because he'd hung out with me and stuff and done a bit of writing with me it was like I was being mimicked

and I just found it quite flattering I was like he's young he'll find his own voice eventually yeah and I don't think you fucking do

but yeah and also somebody won a gong show with me comedy store set did they? I expect you might tell this he was like I had to disqualify him

when I discovered it was all your material word for word fucking 15 I was like yes I won I'm still good at gong shows. I always remember that Vladimir Maktavish story

like fucking 15 years ago. I think he went over to Norway to do stand-up comedy and he was doing, he was headlining, so he was doing like 30 or 40 minutes. For people that don't know, Vladimir Maktavish is a Scottish man called Paul Snin who does a character called Vladimir Maktavish. And, oh yeah, he's a legend on the Scottish circuit.

He's been doing it for fucking so long like vlad did like most of my opening gigs he's he's been around for ever him will hopefully be around i don't understand half the stuff he's saying that's what's funny oh hi hi he's when he was in norway two other like norwegian comedians open for him but they obviously just did it in norwegian uh he does the show it all goes well he gets invited back out like three years later he gets like the same two comics to fucking open for him again and they do their show and they fucking smash and he's like god they really haven't proved in the past three years and then he goes on and because it's been three years and it's

a different audience he does the same fucking set like vat doesn't do the fringe every year so he's not turning over material at the same rate as other fucking comedians and the jokes that rip just none none of them are fucking landing two Norwegian cats had just fucking translated a set from three years ago into Norwegian no way between them they're just fully set

apparently and they denied that he was on and they were just doing like a tribute act from a Norwegian but I think because comedy was so new there, it wasn't a malicious thing. It was that thing. Like back in the 60s, working club comedians

did just fucking trade jokes with each other and gags were things that existed in the world. It was only really when the, you know, the alternative fucking scene, I guess, that's not true, like Dave Allen, the storytellers and stuff, mind you,

they were telling stories that were gag gags. I remember the first time I come out to Lithuania and it was me closing joke with a back massage ta-da thing just didn't get it but like everything else went down fine

and that just didn't get on that big and I was like how did that not work was there something missing in translation he was like it's on YouTube they've seen it everything you've ever done online

has been witnessed by everyone in Eastern Europe which means Alfie Bowne was cancelled in Eastern European ages ago. They would not give a fuck. You just can't do our Eastern Europe before you end up on that. I bet if you go into Alfie Bound's Instagram right now, it's just a bunch of Moldovans being like,

come to Moldova. Would love to see you in Albania. And then Wellington, so we're doing Christchurch. Oh my God. Like I was so, I would ask you at the beginning how you were after the long haul flights.

I was threadbare when I landed from Singapore because I'd done that gig and I'd done the Good Times Comedy Club in Christchurch. But before the gigs, I didn't know how I was going to do it. I was like, I can't even think of my set. I don't know how many jokes. I was fucking trying to just get 15 minutes of sleep backstage.

And, you know, when you wake up and you're just worse for having the smallest amount of sleep. And I was totally fucked then. So I went for a drink after still because the adrenaline dumped off the gig and the gigs went fucking amazing. Like,

it's funny how you can just still fucking pull it out. It's not just being professional. It's just years. Aye. Years and years a day. And I went for a drink after, but I think I really,

like I had a really nice night to sleep that night and it was when I landed in Wellington where I was just like taking the country in and we're driving from the getting the taxi from the airport the hotel and you know the first time i ever went to edinburgh i was like i'm gonna live here one day and i fucking ended up living with you for several years i had one of them things where i was just

like this might be where i retire it's fucking gorgeous because it's like all of the houses are in the woods yeah like on the there's hills off the coast and all the houses are just kind of dotted around plenty of space between each of them

I don't know if you paid attention to I don't know how much they are like but fuck me if you could bank one of them for just your

twilight years yeah what a place to wind down the clock well I think it's like the attitude that they have here I don't know if you listened to and I'm sorry if it's a really upbeat place

and I've just reduced it to a retirement home. Well, I can't, but I'm still going to be partying. The safety instructions that are on planes that nobody fucking listens to because of a plane crashers will just all die. The New Zealand one, I had my fucking headphones off and they said something. They were just talking about the culture of New Zealand and, you know, how important it is to protect the nature here, to protect the wildlife, to protect the heritage of the country, to protect the history and the livelihoods of the people that were here first.

And make sure that we do not erase their culture. We encourage it. You know, all this really nice stuff that as a bleeding heart liberal, I'm like, fucking do it in Jeremy Corbyn's accent. One of the things the guy says is in New Zealand, we don't believe that we get our, we don't inherit the earth from our ancestors. We are borrowing the land from our children

and I was like oh man, yeah tattoo that on my fucking back that's my live, laugh, love that I've got words for the generation above me like when the hand with the thing were borrowed and you can't, what if you don't have it you've totally fucked it

it's got no resale value it was the previous owner it was the previous owner man I bought it like this they fought for it they fought for it so they could give it back and you just

had your way with it it's covered in spunk yeah it does just feel like so I worry because obviously so Jacinda Carden was the

Prime Minister of New Zealand She was like the one That was like Meme heavy On like the left wing Fucking TikTok algorithm Because she was just

LGTB inclusive She's all about She believes in fucking Global warming She understands that It's fucking real She was a very human politician Like a real

Like would go to The grieving families After the fucking Earthquakes After the fucking killings and all this stuff. Very, very human in a way that nobody from the Tory party has been for the past 25 years.

That's what it seems thatcher. I don't know, you guys, you know, milk is dangerous and bad for the environment. I don't know if you've watched Cowspiracy. She stole my milk. I thought we was about the Prime Minister of New Zealand Because what tends to fucking happen

At least that I've seen happen in countries Is you get like a dead liberal government Right And then because the fucking right hate that so much They mobilise And they make sure Alright when government gets in next and then that right government's hate level swings

I don't know if that will happen in New Zealand obviously of course there's a right wing here Do you think it'll just like bob on the left it'll just fluctuate there but it'll never swing The centre the political centre of

the UK if you sit here fucking politically, right, that's there. If you go to America as a centrist in the UK, you're left-wing in America. Yeah, right, got you. Their right wing is so much further right-wing than our right wing is. So I just wonder... They have guns.

Yeah, yeah. And they believe in, you know, they're very pro-life, you know, as long as pro-life, you know, as long as it's getting shot in the fucking head and plastered all over a school blackboard. That anti-homosexuality, because it's against God and it's not natural. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Despite the fact, you know,

it makes sure that no drag artists are performing in front of children because we all know that it's drag artists that molest children and not Catholics and the church and pastors and all those fucking people. But you never care when it's those, because that doesn't fit the narrative. I wonder if the, I think like, I think it's the opposite here.

We're left wing where we come from and we land in New Zealand and they're like, bro, are you a centrist? You're a fucking centrist, bro. You're like, no, no, man. We don't appreciate your kind around here bro you're still welcome

you're still welcome yeah put your feet up bro yeah but I'm not happy you're here no

but I hope you have a nice time and I hope you get some perspective very very sorry for our

racist kiwi accents but if it makes you feel any better our Australian ones are worse the English one's terrible.

I'm really comfortable with this. I hate this English accent I've got. Defensive. So we're going to have to wrap up this podcast in a bit because it is midnight and I have to go to Auckland airport to pick up the family coming from Singapore. I have a couple of days here

I feel so very guilty I have no idea what I've done to my son like the poor lad, like he landed in fucking Singapore, like he was confused with the fucking timings and then like he just got it right, but there was a day where he slept for like 13 hours and we were like, oh buddy

like of course, you've basically put an egg timer on anti-gravity. And expected it to know how long. A baby that has no concept of time. I'm just like, it's night time now. And he's like, what are you... It's night time again. By the way, it hasn't been night time for two days now.

Yeah, my circadian rhythm disagrees, father. So there is part of me, the responsible parent in me goes, I hope he's tired. I hope when he gets off the plane, he's excited to see me, the responsible parent in me goes I hope he's tired, I hope when he gets off the plane he's excited to see me but that he's tired in the car and then we get him back that we're just able to get him down. I mean he was brand new in Singapore, he was happy, he was smiling

there was a bit where he had to keep him awake otherwise he would have had his sleep at the wrong time and he had a little bit of a huff then but he wasn't unhappy he was just like I just want to sleep my own cunts but the irresponsible

father side of me the one that's not his dad the one that just wants to be his mate I'm like come here as awake as possible let Cara and her parents

sleep let Cara fucking sleep me and him will just play in this fucking apartment and have some fucking time together yes you want him awake well I

no of course it's 90, you want him awake? Well, no, of course. It's 90%... You want to hang out with him for three hours before bed? Of course, I fucking haven't seen him in three days. I want him to tell me what happened in Singapore. I want him to just blether to me and be like, yep, don't know what you're saying, man, but it sounds like you had a great time.

I wonder what he sounds like when he talks. It's going to be so funny. Yeah. What's he going to have to say? What do you mean? I just think, like, what. It's going to be so funny. Yeah. What's he going to have to say? What do you mean? I just think like, what's he going to, what's his crack going to be like?

Yeah. Well, cause I'm, I am just. Do you reckon he would be like cheeky and funny and cocky? Or do you reckon he would be like, like a bit more like, you know,

like a brother Matthew, a bit more like analytical and. I don't know. If it was up to me, I think. Quizzical. Yeah. I'd prefer he was me I'd prefer he was

I'd prefer he was more like Matthew to be honest especially if he had Matthew's intelligence that would be fucking excellent but do you think he's going to be a bit ditzy like you if he has my confidence turned down by 20%

I'm like that's a good way to live your life man that's don't get to where I am don't do that down by 20%. I'm like, that's a good way to live your life, man. That's, have, have that. Don't, don't get to where I am. Don't do that.

It's, it's unmanageable, unattainable, and, and, and nobody really enjoys it. Um, I,

I was saying this to you, to, uh, there's, I'll be gutted. I'll be fucking gutted if he's scared of roller coasters. I'll be fucking devastated. I'll be fucking gutted if he's scared of roller coasters.

I'll be fucking devastated. That's the thing you've been looking for most of you would have in kids is just the excuse to go to theme parks and they're going like, nah. He's like pretending to be shorter than the sign. Man, so Cara does, Cara would do fucking roller coasters

and everything. I don't think she'd skydive. But maybe she would you know I feel like maybe talk her into it Jean cannot do

theme parks can't do roller coasters me and Ali were in a ferris wheel with her once in Edinburgh and she cried for like three rotations

of it a ferris wheel yeah yeah to be fair that was when me and Ali were being dicks and I'm one of the carousels with the horses slow down to, that was when me and Ali were being dicks. And I'm one of the carousels with the horses.

Slow down. To be fair to you, me and Ali were rocking the fucking thing, which is like the worst. That's like somebody scared. I wouldn't like it. If as somebody that was scared of heights, if I was stood near a cliff edge,

if you did that to me, I wouldn't talk to you for a month. Did you see, totally randomly. I'm so random. Do you see what I did? Alfie Brown on the flight altitude

oh he was shit scared of flying and I told him the fake fact it was a Stephen King book where I was like oh generally the planes that go down

are the ones with loads of empty seats because people just had a feeling that day not to get on the flight and they didn't get on it there's so many empty seats on this flight

and then in the middle of us saying this Natalie went oh Kai you've got an eyelash and she went like that and she went make a wish and I blew it out. Hope this plane crashes.

And then he just said the N-word a bunch of times. I was like, well. I hope you got that on the black box. I didn't mean that. That's not what I meant. I think if you are somebody who is scared of roller coasters, it is your moral obligation, if the love of your scared of roller coasters it is your moral obligation if the love

of your life enjoys roller coasters that you break up with them and do not diminish the rest of their life put on a brave face man just get on it and just don't enjoy yourself just be living in fear for like three minutes of your life just three minutes and then again and then again again look i'm just like i'm i'm scared of heights but I will always do things that involve fucking heights because I'm aware that my fear is illogical. Right? I know it's fully illogical,

but you know what I mean. Like, it's the bit of me that's, when I'm standing like this close to an edge, I know that if I was stood here right now,

there's no chance I would fall three feet in that direction randomly. But, some monkey part of my brain, when there's a cliff there, goes, that's a possibility. You can't trust your intrusive thoughts, Daniel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like, when there's a cliff there, goes, that's a possibility.

You can't trust your intrusive thoughts, Daniel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a fear of rejection, but that didn't stop me chatting up lasses in Blue Bamboo. In what? Blue Bamboo.

What was that? It's just a nightclub on the big market. Oh, okay. Isn't it? So Blue Bamboo. Is that like a euphemism for anything, or is it just? Anyway,

that's just a belt away thing that you can say in a jolly accent. Oh, that is it. Blue Bamboo. can say in a jolly accent. Oh, that is it. Blue bamboo. That wasn't a jolly accent. No? Blue bamboo. Blue bamboo?

Oh, sorry. All I'm saying is blue bamboo. Mark, I'm saying blue bamboo. It's a good computer. Explain the difference to me between the Markham accent and the jolly accent. They kind of just like hang on to their double vowels a little bit. School computer. Super duper blue bamboo

I was down with blue bamboo I kind of deal with that but eh he fucking there was a barman chatting to you last night in Wellington

and I was high as fuck and we're going to move on to that pool hall and eh I come over to sip a bit of whiskey with him fucking call the a night.

What's happening? Max about to die. Max about to die. Right. Anyway, he asked if I was a Malcolm. He's dead now. We'll see you next time.

Sorry, about to die. you