Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.27: Spaghetti Jockeys

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

Enjoying a couple of days off to lounge around after their bucket list Sydney Opera House gig, Muggins and Cream talk about how men avoid the mundane details of their friends' lives. Daniel has lost his family and his vape and takes the whole thing out on, you guessed it, Spain. They formulate a perfect method to be racist to any nation.

Hello podcast viewers and listeners, thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road where I'm going to be honest with you, I'm a miserable fucking cunt for most of this one. Because my family have left Australia and I'm dealing with that very poorly. And because I didn't want to be angry when they were here, I've also decided to give up nicotine. So it's a real clusterfuck of rage from me. And I promise it'll be better in the future. I'll be happier. We're going to go to the gym. I'll do all the things that are good for a positive mental health thing.

Kai does his best. Kai does fucking, tries his best to make it funny. And we do make it funny at points. But, yeah, I mean, I'm just, I'm really visibly angry, and God, I hate the Spanish. You'll hear lots of that during this podcast, and they've not even done anything recently. I just, my anger needs to go somewhere, and whenever it does, that's where it goes. We're really horrible

about all religions. We're really intolerant about other people. It's very angry. It's just an unpleasant podcast, really. Enjoy. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins.

Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? How's the nicotine withdrawal going? Are you on day one? I am on day one

after a... Well, I mean, we started this podcast late because there is a comedian whose throat I want to fucking slit because of their fucking behaviour. It's... slit because of their fucking behaviour. It's... Their delusional fucking behaviour. It's so funny how when you... Because I had...

I'm a week ahead of you. I stopped a week ago with the vapes and I was just getting annoyed at the slightest little things. And, like, even, like, good friends of mine were, like, winding us up to the point at, like, I'm just like, what the... I want to rip heads off here. So now you're at that point

but you're on social media just hating on other comics' output. Not other comics. One individual comic who is, oh I can't, let's not do it, he's a friend. The fucking gall the nerve. It's so funny because I woke up to a rants in a WhatsApp group

I woke up to it and I was just likeapp group I woke up to and I was just like what's oh his family's just went home oh well I handled that poorly yesterday it's because Caelan's not here

and then I got up and I was like oh it's it's much simpler than that oh no it's an amalgamation of all the things

yeah yeah no yesterday was rough you haven't had a bottle of whiskey as soon as your family left? Yeah. It's like fucking, sort of like fucking Hank Moody shit. Yeah. Colin Fowler, true detective.

You just had a solo sesh. I watched the Masters highlight on fucking day three. Drank whiskey, got sad. I've been really keen on the treadmill I've gamified the treadmill now every time I walk back from the gym I leave Natalie a voice memo when we updates and because she's usually like a better whatever when I'm doing that time zones and whatever and I'm just like and I just have to give you updates on me running because otherwise it's a secret

I can't go into that household be like Daniel, do you want to hear about my run and my breakdown of what I did? And then you would look at it like, why did you just interrupt me doing nothing to tell me that? And then I'd be like, hey, Matthew, Jack, do you want to hear about my run? And then we'd both just leave the room. I think it's so lonely living with the slosses.

Well, I just, I don't think any of us engage in utter, no, the mundane chats for your partner. Like that's what it's for. That's who you do the updates, but you're right. Like it's, I mean, we've got,

we've got friends like that and maybe it's something I need to work on, but you know, when somebody just tells you something about their day and you're like, man, I did not ask. And that's why you told me, because you knew I was never going to ask because deep down, you know how boring that is

and that's why you've come in there and been like did I tell you about this book I read recently why would I care what you read Dave's made me feel bad about how I conduct myself because he just asks loads of like questions to people and I'm like oh that's how you're meant to be as a person

that's what you're meant to do yeah he does engage it because he's like he's got like a curious mind uh he wants to know the ins and outs of like your job he wants to know how you got to where you are he wants like not just like us as comedians but like marlena and her her line of work and he's just like he's i sat for breakfast listening to dave asking marlena questions marlena who i've known intimately for 15 years and I learnt more about her in that breakfast than I have from our 15 years of encounters because he just asked

loads of correct questions to like, to stimulate that, to like talk about her past and everything and I'm like, oh you can actually find out information about people instead of you can actually

pull that closer also can we just put the bit where he says that he's known Marlena intimately for 15 years can we just get it on the button please because that's not what

he meant to say but he did say it no intimately is like you know you're close to someone I know you intimately I don't sexual

it's sexual it's spooning and fingering I used to think it's spooning and fingering what intimately 100% it's sexual it's spooning and fingering I used to think it's spooning and fingering or intimate 100% it's kissing

it's kissing at the very least if you know someone intimately you've snogged them nah you can okay yeah if you get

intimate with someone ah yeah I get that I get that getting intimate with someone but like I think you can say

it about like a hyperbole if I went did I just say I fuck my life I think you did because you know that's not the worst thing i've ever done i used to just think something something meant a gift i told grassy i had a little something something for me god and i just meant a card with money in it. To pay her for the sex. Aye.

A little something-something for your 12-year-old. I think, yeah, surely, like, if you... You've got, like, the people that you're friends with, who, like, you chat to when you see them and you, like, occasionally text them. But your friends who you know intimately, you'll be, like, people who you see them and you like occasionally text them but your friends who you know intimately you'll be like people who have deep and meaningful conversations with it doesn't just mean you're shocking them and

kissing them doesn't my world I you just use the shotgun and kissing no no it's like you know the person a bit more yeah I got best friends well feel free to use it in your lexicon it's not entering mine i will never i will never say the words i know marlena intimately we get intimate no twice a week for our fans um i well i get because again dave's curiosity like i'm like oh maybe i just don't have a curious uh mind but then i'm also like you, he lives up in Aberdeen. He's done, I mean, he's worked in a couple of jobs and stuff.

But like this, this side of the world and this side of the industry stuff, it must be very fucking interesting. I mean, I certainly had all these questions and this curiosity. And like when I was hanging out with Frankie before I started comedy and stuff, I was definitely asking all those sort of questions and then now I just know about it and then also in a really bad way man I can tell when somebody's fucking interesting I can tell pretty fucking quickly when somebody has anything in their head or value that I need in my life and if they don't I'm not asking you any

questions I'm not going to mine them for information no man it's just like it's like it'd be like I'm going to go over there I'm going to chip for concrete you know you're not going to look for any precious metals because there's a gold vein over there there's an old guy over there that's like platinum you're just going to talk to you're going to get fishing in the puddle are you I talking to taxi drivers that's what it is you know it's funny as well if i go down liverpool and i hang out with like uh brett and ricketts and matty like i get back to all the questions from natalie that i should have asked when i was down there oh i think i think that i think that is just a fucking uh like a gender thing because

cara all the time she's like so how's aligator at work and I'm like I don't know no idea she's like you know Biebs Jordan has had a new job I've been calling him a chef for a year she's like he's not a chef

he's a travel agent and I'm like he's a fucking chef shut up man what do you know he's my friend why do you not ask these questions what a boring conversation

to have with your friend with your mate somebody you've known for fucking years how's work what are your co-workers like we're best mates to have with your friend with your mate something you've no fucking you house work what are your co-workers like we're best mates we're gonna make fun of people that we used to fucking tell us about your goals at work since you next to record so what's next for you that I have a growth mindset I

come back and she'll make that little big like oh so what's the wedding plans and all that whether whether do what they're doing I'll be back and she'll make that and she'll be like oh so what's the wedding plans and all that where they'll do what they're doing and I'll be like I know that he blames the ref for the Liverpool result but I can't tell you

anything why do you just like do you think do you think there's more meaning to those fucking conversations like I don't believe do you know what it is?

You're going to meet up with your mates to have a laugh. Yeah. And having a laugh isn't just reminding them of the shit they do when they're not off work. Yeah, it's escapism. If I've got something about my life that I want to tell you about, I'll tell you that. But I'm not just going to waterboard you with my fucking...

That's what Cara's there for, right? That's why you get into relationships, so the you know they can be the like the the bouncing mat that you basically just the person that cares when you tell them about your run yes i somebody that cares about the mundane shit in your life because you know they love you and and you being passionate about anything are you enjoying something brings them joy like when cara tells me about her day even if it's boring i genuinely find that interesting. I'm curious as to why she makes the decisions that she makes and why, you know,

how did that make her feel there? That's interesting. It's reserved only for her. It's reserved only for her. And probably my children when they grow up. Would you cringe to death if, like, if I eavesdropped your small talk. A hundred percent.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd kill Cara first. And then I'd kill- The witness. And then I'd- You'd kill Cara and just go, no one will believe you. Just, yeah.

No, yeah, I would. Cause I'd have been talking baby voice or anything like that. But I'd be with my dog. I'd talk in baby voice to- I'd probably been talking baby voice or anything like that but I'd be with my dog I'd probably be more embarrassed if people saw how I talk to my dog than if they saw how I talk to my wife Did you not have small talk when you were living with people

like Jean or anything? I've lived with them If we live together I can quite easily we live together, I can quite easily go three weeks without fucking talking to you. Like, pure and fucking talk. Like, unless you have anything that I value to tell me.

Like, it's Marlena, because we're doing this, you're going to Melbourne, and I'm going away to do some other places. Oh yeah, we're splitting up now, aren't we? I'm starting my world tour. So Connor Burns is supporting me

on some of the dates and Marlena's like, do you want to share a taxi with us? And I'm like, Marlena, I will never, ever,

ever, the only person who I go through an airport with is Kai because Kai understands that the second we leave the taxi

and go into the airport, it's every man for himself. Right? And you're the exact same. If I've got my bags checked in first, I'm not like hovering around waiting for him to check like hovering around yeah and i'm like don't wait for me fuck off go live your fucking life we're not gonna we are not going to talk or communicate in this airport just want to hold hands as well do you hi so poor connor has to go through with marlena and i'm like

no i'm getting a separate taxi i do i do not travel like I'll travel with my family when you know you know what though they're they're like early stage of the um in the first few years if they're a partnership yeah that makes that does sound worse than intimate oh yeah yeah of working together yeah as the agent and client so that will probably be valuable time for both of them actually where it's like we're 15 years in and we're like ah we've had these chats yeah yeah yeah and it's just like it's like i think the other thing that fucking i know i know this is a shitty bit of like i've just been addicted to your phone but it's just man when you're on the phone and some somebody just comes up and talk to you like do you how fucking arrogant are you that you think you're more entertaining

than all of the information in the, every bit of art that's ever been fucking created, everything that's ever, the greatest thoughts, the greatest philosophy. Am I consuming any of that? No. I'm on red. But how fucking dare you think you are more interesting than this thing that is designed to keep me fucking interested? I hate those things of like when it shows you people on a train, on their phones, and you're just like,

as if it's like a fucking mirror up to society. And you're like, as opposed to what? Like, chat to that boring cunt that might be a psycho. Like, fucking spoiling that woman's day by chatting about when she just wants to be left alone yeah like of course i'm gonna text me wife or like fucking interact with your fans or whatever i'm gonna say whatever the fuck is going on in your world is way more here than it is there yeah i knew you were gonna show me a belt i better stand up the other day it's like you fucking knocked on my door

in my room like not just like when I'm reading or when I've got headphones on when I'm like I might even be having a wank

aye and you showed us a bit of stand-up and I was like aye this is going to be good because you've got such a high threshold

for what's worth interrupting somebody for oh yeah because if I man if I thought it was just fine stand-up I would have just sent you in on

fucking Instagram but it was one of those moments where I I would have just sent you in on fucking Instagram, but it was one of those moves where I'm like, you objectively need to see how fucking good and funny this is, aye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that's a really,

I think quality control for your conversation is really fucking crucial and it should be taught much like taxes in primary school and high school. Because you know that

if it does, like if you do get interrupted, you're like, it's going to be worthwhile. Yeah. You're safe in the hands of this person that's interrupted. You are allowed to offer out boring information and tell stories that lead to fucking nothing. But also, understand that there are consequences to that,

which is every time you tell me a boring story, the likelihood that I'm going to listen to the next conversation that you come up to me is less and less. And then I'll just fucking delete your number off my phone. I was busy doing Wim Hof breathing exercises when you bust in and I was on the exhale. So you're sure there's a bit of standing up when I was doing two minutes of holding my breath out.

So I was like, you just ran in. I was like... It's only 35 seconds long. You'll be fine. I was laughing through my ears you can hear my ears popping I did that when I had a Ukrainian last living with me

for six months last year and fucking I was starting to I'd read the Wim Hof method thing it was

like it was me fucking thingy of habits and self-improvement and all that shit right and i added that to my daily routine and i was fucking doing these breathing exercises on the couch in the living room in the house on my own and she like come back from college or whatever like fucking just come in the door and i was fully dressed on the couch out of breath with the tv on

i was just like, it's exactly how it looks. I don't even know how to explain this to you because it's such a fucking language barrier as well. It was like, you heard of Wim Hof? Him Wof? Well, not even just a language barrier, an accent fucking barrier.

I had probably just, even if she hadn't heard of that guy, I was just like, I'm just doing, breathing, I don't know how to explain myself. I'm just doing even if she hadn't heard of that guy, I was just like I'm just doing, breathing I don't know, I don't even know how to explain myself I'm just doing a breath on the couch. I'm just I'm unfit. You and Marlena are often guilty

for that and it's like it's a pet peeve I get. I know we've been on tour too long when it starts to fucking get to my head, which is why it's in my head now that I'm nicotine withdrawals. Marlena's worse for it, you're bad for it. When speaking to my head, which is why it's in my head now that I'm nicotine withdrawals. Marlene is worse for it. You're bad for it. When speaking to someone whose first language is not English,

the shit you choose to talk, the shit that you think is going to be like, this will reach across the boundaries. Do you watch EastEnders? What are you fucking, why are you talking to a Russian man about EastEnders? Football, football. It's always football.

If it's a bloke football, if it's a girl, the Football, football, it's always football. If it's a bloke, football. If it's a girl, the moon, right? It's your common- Star science. Yeah, something. Marlena. You're trying to explain to an Indian taxi driver about chip buddies.

Oh my, I fucking want to break my, and just using colloquialisms and not using common language, not in your head, mentally going, right, what are the first words that were're all taught in every language? He had just, oh, yeah, it was the chip buddies. We've got a chip, but he doesn't fucking give a fuck about chip buddies, Marlena. He doesn't care about chip sandwiches.

And stop mentioning the name of the chip shop. It's such a relevant information when you're trying. You're just there in the back going, well, that guy's Mewberin. Mewber ring's ruined. No, I reckon if I've got a terrible Uber ring, and that's because if, because there is no do not talk to me option on Uber, I will just, the second I go in, headphones on.

And if you talk to me, I'll just stare at you and nod. I'll give them a second to talk about football. If like, if I've like, I'm not going to go them a second to talk about football if like if if i've like i'm not gonna go up early this morning for the football and then i'm just like that's just like you can talk to us about that and that only yeah all right no headphones on yeah um but i i don't want to cash in on molly because i am bad at it like i am bad because uh i remember one day i was just really high and i was in texas and I was talking to this couple that were like, draw hillbillies and don't change it any.

That's the couple I was talking to. And I just was so high and I was just filling the air and I was chatting away and I could see on their faces that I'd lost them ages ago. I'd lost them fucking yonks ago and I just couldn't stop talking I was like the minute I

stopped talking I'm going to put them in the awkward situation of having to respond and they don't know how to they don't know how to respond because they're so lost yeah in other countries it's important to be able to go over there And be like okay what is life

Like here do you Like this is this thing common Not Do you get Peaky Blinders on Netflix over here Slow down for the love of god what are we doing In fact Peaky Blinders would actually be a good show Maybe they do watch that because that's got subtitles That might actually be Hands Across the Water

You say Peaky Blinders is good I fucking love Peaky Blinders, man. I've heard from other people that it's piping hot shit. Nah. Nah, they're just fucking like... I feel like it's like someone going on The Sopranos or shit. It's just like a fucking good, solid, good character. Good story.

The Sopranos is shit if you go in expecting it to be anything about the Mafia. Like, if you watch, like, I hate The Sopranos the first time I watched the first three episodes. I'm like, what the fuck? There's nothing Mafia-like that's happening. You know what I quite like about it is that they keep referencing, like, Goodfellas and The Godfather and stuff like that. Now, I heard, I think, from John Hastings that the Mafia didn't dress and act like that really until Mario Pozzo, or whatever he's called, the right other Godfather, like, made them into this image.

And then that become, like, a self-fulfilling prophecy in the start of acting like that. And I really think that they did a good job well of, like, them trying to act like the Goodfellas in the Godfather version of the Mafia. Well, yeah. By the way, I do, like I do love The Sopranos. Once you realise that it's a family drama comedy

and not a Mafia thriller sort of thing. It's class. It's a fucking good sitcom. It's a dramatic sitcom. For me, I find it funny as fuck. I couldn't start. I did 40 Minutes of Peaky Blinders once, and I'm so sorry because I have I love gigging in Birmingham I

really think Birmingham is a fucking shithole and it's not been bombed enough it's one of the worst accents in the world I think because that me and Natalie watched one episode of it and I cannot listen to that accent man oh it's horrific right give it, like, a couple of years and then fucking heard of enough people that were trusted that it was class. And then persevered with it and by the end, like, I fucking started

liking the accent because he totally, what's his name, Cillian Murphy? Aye. Tommy Shelby? He just fucking, absolutely fucking owned it.

Like, reinvented it completely and just was just like, like, it would be like someone really fucking cool being called Ken and just making the name Ken cool would be like someone really fucking cool being called ken and just making the name ken cool again and you're like all right i said barbie's boyfriend you don't think barbie boyfriend's cool did i actually um i actually nicked a bit there off a

point and click adventure called beneath the steel sky where the robot was called ken and he was like well i'm gonna run with this that's why i chose the name ken it was one of them when i was saying it i was like why did you go for ken you've absorbed that from somewhere you haven't stolen another comedian's bit have you that's you know when you're just like i've like that come too quick to this and uh and i managed to recall that it was from a game that i played in probably 1993. was that back in the what was the fucking monkey island was monkey island back in that day so there was i fucking loved them games man if i did too that was my absolute fucking genre of game that i went for them games i came were 12 discs yeah 12 floppy discs and every time

you changed scene you had to put fucking free discs in to change the level there was that say beneath the steel sky simon the sorcerer free discs in to change the level. There was that, Beneath a Steel Sky, Simon the Sorcerer. There's a good one called Loom, which was like a twist on it. There was Discworld. Have you gone back to revisit these games? I've completed Monkey Islands again. And how did they hold up? Good, because they remastered them and put voices on them and you didn't have to change discs.

So I don't know what it would be like for somebody that was just playing it for the first time, but for somebody who had played it through adversity, having to fucking read everything before the subtitles disappear, having to fucking change the discs and all the time to be able to just play it cleanly. It was fucking beautiful for me. I don't know what it would be like for somebody playing it for the first time. Yeah, I mean, because like, I just i mean because like i just say because like revisiting things that you used to love as a kid is always a dangerous thing because either it fully like opens up the nostalgia it's as good as you remember and it's amazing

or like i used to love keenan and gail like it was my favorite i don't imagine you can go back to that they put it on net Netflix for a bit. Who loves orange soda? Who loves orange soda? Is it true? I can't even do it because... Catrice, comedy's your favourite? Oh, but it's just... I mean, I know it's for children

and I know watching it as a fucking adult, I shouldn't be laughing. But again, I was high. So I was like, surely, surely just the nostalgia of this. Like, I laughed at The Simpsons when I was a kid. And The Simpsons is still funny now that I go back and watch it.

But, oh, it was piping hot. Saved by the Bell sucked. I think I've only ever watched Saved by the Bell and Keenan and Kel, where the characters have been older than me. You couldn't cope with watching it where there were a full two generations younger than you. Yeah, or also

like, I think, you know, watching 20-year-olds play 13-year-olds, and then you as a 30-year-old being like, oh, no you know, watching 20-year-olds play 13-year-olds and there's a 30-year-old being like, oh, no, no, no. That was so funny. I mean, back then, like, Porky's, they were fucking grown-ups. Porky's, like, the original...

I recognise the name of it. The original American Pie experience was called Porky's. And it was just fucking hairy dudes pretending to be 15-year-olds. I wonder how the American Pie movies hold up. Because as a teenager, those were... Because Skitty Movie, I don't know if that fucking... That whole parody genre that used to exist.

Hot Shots. Aye. Super Troopers holds up. Man, I fucking love, because I used to love, what I called gangster movies weren't like mafia movies. What I called gangster movies were like movies that have got Tupac in it. Right, okay. Omar Epps is in gangster

movies. Aye. It was always like Boys in the Hood and fucking Juice and stuff like that, right? And they'd done a parody of that. The same guys that'd done Scary Movie before Scary Movie came out had one, and it was like an amalgamation of all the titles. I'll see if I can get this right. Don't Be a Menace to South Central Wales,

Drinking Juice in the Hood, and it was like all of the titles merged together, and I fucking loved that, because it was just a piss take of all my favourite films from back then. Oh, sorry, good boy. But there was one bit where, in Boys in the Hood,

where he fucking, he's just, Cuba Gordon Jr.'s character's just like running down, he's like air punching. He's just like fucking so annoyed of getting like harassed by the cops and shit and all the trouble that he's in. I can't imagine the plot, but fucking when they did it

in Don't Be a Minister South Central, it was one of the fucking ways, bro. I was just fucking crying and swinging, but like you had like 13 kids and every time you swung one of the kids right in the room it was just teeing off on all these youngins if i remember right and i just remember that when i was in my teens that was the funniest shit i'd ever seen was just this guy just spattering out these youngins hi i what was that the funniest movie from your teenage years in your childhood or

you know what probably because my favourite film by males was Friday and I know that was a comedy but like for me that wasn't it didn't make me like

laugh out loud but it did it was at that age where who loves orange soda everything's quotable you could quote practically every

fucking scene on Friday and that would be your banter way i made it would just be like hey miss parker hi i've always the one that always was uh the funniest movie i was getting was drop dead fred hence that tattoo there uh with rick male oh the scene where like he goes underneath a skirt looks at my skirt and went ooh cobwebs. Yeah and at the age of, I remember laughing at that at the age of eight and not knowing why,

just because it was like, oh it's because it's old and that's a gross thing, so of course you'd have gross things and then as an adult you're like, oh it's because she's not had sex for fucking years, I get it. They, like I would have, if you want to know what would have sent me over the edge and sent me to America and made me do a mass shooting they were going to after the death of Rick Mayall one of the greatest comedy actors of all time they were going to remake

Drop Dead Fred with Don't say James Corden Oh, actually worse actually worse objectively less talented at stand-up Jack Whitehall? No

I like being mean about Jack Whitehall That's what I thought you were doing I love being mean about Jack Whitehall but he's definitely funnier than James Corden which doesn't say much but he's definitely funny Russell Brand Oh no I mean they haven't done it

The only answer I think you know the only answer I think would be Jim Carrey I just think don't touch it like I think the only answer

would have been Robin Williams yeah I would have taken that I do think there needs to be and I know there will be generations before me who were like

god we should have had this as a rule years ago but there should be something in Hollywood where they just put a halo around a movie and it's illegal forever to ever remake it or do a fucking spin-off.

You've just got to leave it untouched, right? Lord of the Rings. You know what? You could have said that about Trainspotting, but I think they've fucking done it better, the sequel to Trainspotting. Wasn't there a sequel? Wasn't there a Trainspotting 2 book, though?

It wasn't. Nah, because the other Trainspotting wasn't there a sequel wasn't there a Trainspotting two books though it wasn't nah because the other Trainspotting books are prequel oh Skag Boys which is fucking

horrendous read by the way I mean it's a great read but like some of the shit that happens in it it's fucking lifting I loved Trainspotting both movies

couldn't read the book man I just I do not first of all I really only like fantasy and sort of genres I can't read shit in somebody else's fucking accent that's my man that's my I'm like just man could you type up

normally and I'll do the voice in my head it's like is that can that be the way it's done even even as a Scottish person you didn't like that I hate it really really hate it I think it's a I don't think I would probably find it cringe if I was reading like harsh Geordie because I don't like reading me on material for write it out phonetically I have to write me material out like you wanna take cuz I start doing it the other way around do I'll see it on stage first and then write it down if I ever did get round to that and when I write it down I write it down with the actual words how they're spelt so there's any squiggly lines on any food on the laptop but when I first started i gave it a shot like type and how i talk and it just made us

really insecure about how i talk i just look at my words on paper and go yeah but like when i say them i feel fine but when i see e instead of you like oh god i'm just like four eys or whatever I'm just like nah K-N-A-A K-N-A-I I didn't nah I couldn't even in like fantasy books there's stuff where they're like you know it's a barbarian character

and they're like so we're just going to type in short grants I'm like mother just I'll do the acting I'll do all the extra shit. Please just give me the information and I'll make the play in my head how I want to see it. I love it when a narrator

gets the voice right in an audio book because you're like, all right, I really think you're adding something now that I wasn't getting from your internal monologue. Do you like,

do you like Michael Kramer on the Wheel of Time audio books? Yes. Aye, I think he's good. I cannot, because I'm such a sexist piece of shit with her name Kate.

Kate Woman. Oh, and it switches to her? Aye. Did you also just think that was Michael Kramer doing a girl's voice? He was just holding his nose. Just pinching his willy.

Just having a sip of a helium balloon. Just getting through it you know um i do worry that like my my impression of all women on stage like for all the jokes that i've done that are definitely sexist and misogynist because a lot of the time that that's the joke and people call that out because they're bored fair enough nobody has ever called out the fact that any time i do an impression of a real estate just oh hello i'm a lady like that's like it's the most of it it's like doing it's like south park's asian voice but for women uh you're doing it um when you're doing dungeons and dragons as well yeah you've got your goblin voice. You've got the normal voice.

Normal. By that I mean men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because men are normal. Men is the standard. Straight white man is the standard selection on the computer screen. And if you want to make your character different, you can slide the bar this way.

But straight white man, normal. Correct. Continue. Don't clip that. And then you have other. Yeah, correct. Continue. Don't clip that. And then you have other. Yeah, yeah. I work in a pub! All women.

I'm a strumpet. I'm a box of strumpets. I'm a big, vicious queen, and I own more right to this throne, I tell you. All women, that's what they all are to me. Fisher wave. You've got man and fisher wave. Different male accents, because men can be different. You know, of course they can. Women, all the same.

It's all this, isn't it? This is what I mean about the, it's, you know, is it still misogyny if it's sarcastic misogyny? The answer is yes. It's like ironic racism. Still racism, buddy. Yeah. Don't get me yes. It's like ironic racism. Still racism, buddy. Don't get me wrong, it's funnier than regular racism, but it's

as clever as regular racism. It's like the thing I had about Muggle Corner is like, even if you do a Muggle thing as a parody, like, may the 4th be with you on the 5th of May. You're still, like, you're taking the piss out of the thing. You're self-aware, but you're still involved in it. You're still circling yeah, you're taking the piss out of the thing. You're self-aware, but you're still involved in it.

You're still circling the drain just further away from the center of the drain. That's all you've done. That being said, I do. For me, it's the, you know, the escapism. Well, let's get to our tour now because we mentioned we're in Sydney now. And I'm at the point of the tour now where I've stopped being a tourist I'm like

I got invited to Bondi Beach yesterday and no I haven't been to Bondi Beach in about 10 years I've been to Sydney

a couple of times since but it would have been nice to go and have a cocktail it's about a 25 minute taxi away and all I could think was

I'm watching the Sopranos at the minute I just want to watch an episode of that. I've got a good book on the go that I'm getting towards the end of. I've got groceries in the fridge. I just want it to be in the house. Aye, man, you're allowed to.

It's so rare on the road to have a place, a base, when it feels like home. And that's what keeps you fucking sane. We can be road warriors for a bit and we will be road warriors again. And like, we've had a couple of good chunks of like gigging out of a gigging out of a spot.

Like we had Auckland gigging out of a spot, the gold coast. And then here where for at least two of those days, you woke up in the bed that you're going to go to bed in for a couple of days in the middle with the travel day of a side. So like still a good free four night sleep and in moments like that you kind of just want to fucking sink into the couch and that's where I'm at with it too I know like it was good that the gig was at the Sydney Opera House because I feel like we got to

tick the box of like there's the Harbour Bridge there's the Opera House and we got to like get a photo and like have a bit of tourism but like optionally i would have probably stayed in the house on that day too if we didn't have a gig unless unless unless i was gigging at the opera house i you could have brought me to australia 50 times and i never would have fucking visited it really no man It looks like it does on the pictures. It's my standard. I find this so strange about you.

Like, it's just, man. That you don't want to experience the thing you've seen a photo of. It's like, why would I want to fuck? I've got a porn mag. Well, sometimes that, aye. Man, I wank heaps more than I fucking have sex. It's more convenient. Aye, but when you do have sex, you're like,

oh, thank God, the real thing. Yeah, it's all going to, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that like fucking, man, that's the Grand Canyon, right? That there are some things that I'm like. All right, Cara, if you listen to this, he didn't mean that. If we've, like there are some things that are worth seeing. Buildings, not. There is no, they're good to look at

and they're amazing to perform in I like buildings I love buildings that are performance venues and I I don't like how they look it's not it's special for me

is the statement of getting to play there having that little fucking badge there but you didn't mean to say it because this is what

I always been a tricky one for me when I'm booking me holders I really want to see you know it's a they are but I didn't say it because this is what's a it's always been a tricky one for me when I'm booking me holders I really want to see the pyramids I really don't go Egypt man I just I reckon Cairo is kind of big golf I shite and shine you can't take women there like everywhere like it's really really ship it's one of the worst places in the world to go as a tourist. And, like, even Egyptians will tell you that. Can we just do a gig there? Do you reckon we can get a gig in Cairo?

Just have a look at the pyramids, just tick the box? No, it's like Saudi Arabia and fucking Dubai for me. Sort yourself out and then I'll fucking visit. The way you and Cara enjoyed Singapore, I really think you might like Dubai it's two sides of the same coin I know but Singapore I've already been to Singapore

so I just don't need the other one and I know there is religion in Singapore and the hotel buffets and stuff I cannot express it because I can't and how nice the hotels are you like the finer things in life

and you get the Dubai experience that yeah but I'm going to be surrounded by religious people who I don't respect I don't respect I don't respect the lifestyle choices I don't respect the religion

I don't tolerate I think it's all disgusting due towards drinking it's rancid i've got no and i've been offered to buy heaps never it's just not somewhere i'm gonna which is weird because i know morally like how you man you know india is corrupt as awful stuff's happening there but i don't mind their religions maybe just because i know fucking less about them. So basically you're just telling the world that you're Islamophobic? Well, no, Christianity as well.

Like, man, there's a reason we don't go to the fucking deep south in America and there's a reason why we don't, you know. That's why I fucking hate Italy. Extremophobic. I think it's fine to be extremophobe. If you've got real extremities to your belief system, then you can just be like, ah ah it's getting a bit creepy

for me now like I'd rather just disassociate yeah British Muslims great fucking fool Natalie's mum

yeah class real good shows the good bits that yeah all the fucking British Muslims

fucking class Muslims in other countries you know what you're doing the right thing you're keeping it there and I'm going to fucking stay away from this thing

that I absolutely hate Hey, it's man. I'm not gonna go to the deep south of America I have I do not like fucking even Salt Lake City was uncomfortable for me man Oh man, it's surrounded by people you going I don't respect any of you. I don't respect any of your beliefs I'm objectively smarter than all of you because you all hold these stupid dumb beliefs. And I can't say any of this out loud because none of you respect actual freedom of speech and you would all fucking kill me.

Like, that's... It's a danger to have my strong opinions in very religious countries because I cannot keep the disdain from my face when I see religious people. I had a really funny thing on the go. It was a few years back when Elliot was single and hadn't been laid in a long time, and I just kept going.

I was at the Vatican praying for him to get laid, and then I went to Salt Lake City, and I'm at the Mormon Macadam. Come on, just one of you gods. One of you gods on Elliot. I always think I'm a progressive person, and then I can't remember what a progressive person and then like, I can't remember what part of New York

it is, but where it's like, I drove through and it's the real Hasidic Jews. And like, as somebody, you know, like, I've

been to, well, I've been to memorials, I've watched lots of documentaries. Like, I know how awful the fucking Holocaust and not even just the Holocaust, the stuff that the Jews have gone through for literally thousands of documentaries. Like, I know how awful the fucking Holocaust,

and not even just the Holocaust, the stuff that the Jews have gone through for literally thousands of years. The pilgrims even before the Holocaust. Like, one of the most, if not the most persecuted religion in the world, right? And the reason these people, the Hasidic Jews, are so strict in their faith is because of the Holocaust.

I mean, they fled and survived, and they're like, oh my God, we're just going to be fucking attacked forever forever and we've got to hold on to this thing that the rest of the world just seems to want to destroy i understand that logically and then you write that part and you're like fuck that's a stupid hat fuck that's a stupid hat and that's a stupid haircut you look ridiculous i can't and then you just have your head being like just bottle all up it's it's funny as well because I'll always look at that when I see them dressing the kids in a specific way, and not just specific Jews, but all religions, right?

All religions that are full-on strict, and they've got this strict discipline life for their child, and brainwashing them and all that. I always look at that with a bit of disdain, just going, can you not just let the kid make their own mind up? Teach them to be open-minded and then start teaching them these in a later part of school so they can choose. And then I'm there just putting your child on a toon top.

Well, but like... Saying that, they're going to come to Newcastle Games, to my church of St James's Park ahead of all of the other religions that are available that you could choose when you're But here's the thing, if you give children freedom of choice not a single one of them

would ever become religious ever, ever nobody, nobody Unless they became an alcoholic and that was the way out of it because that seems to be the only later in life Reason Aye, yeah I can pull

I wonder if we have any religious followers left on this Probably But like, probably ones that like Are a bit of a laugh And they don't mind laughing at themselves And others They don't mind a little bit of intolerance I don't know if I could listen to a podcast where someone

vehemently fucking hated me that much. I believe you were saying that's your shtick and they wouldn't even text you seriously. You're like, I actually hate these people and you're like, oh look at Daniel doing one of his bits. You're like, I don't know, I physically hate them, I want them to die. I just think they could kill themselves. They're like, Daniel hates everything.

That's what the show is. Can you stick your middle finger up with me mate and tell them to die you're like the fucking kid on Black Mirror with a fucking glass to his neck that is good that I can just say I tell everyone I want them to die and if you're religious it's just a coincidence that I say it to you

hell and more but I do think you should all go meet your god and I think regardless of what religion you blog to, if you love your god that much. It'd be so fucking funny if there's some kind of fucking afterlife and I just get up there and you're

there just blushing. Just like, man, forget what I said when I was down there, man. When you say that you're omnipotent and you know everything you're not listening to everything all the time you've got things to do

it's not just all run around God's like I'm not omnipotent Daniel but you didn't record it and put it on the internet so I can't listen to your podcast so you're a fat I mean I didn't listen to any of the patrons. I spent three quid.

Hey, I don't know why you're so pissed off. I was too scared to be mean to your followers. You can fucking pipe down love. But you... I'm like, look, yeah, I definitely said I thought the attire was silly a bunch of times. But let's be honest, this guy has taken a fucking beating here

do you think you'd be as harsh on Islam as you are of Christianity if they didn't act so like you're not Charlie Hebdo you're not getting that from Christians you're not getting a Charlie Hebdo attack

for somebody that does a cartoon about Christians have you heard of America? like the country what religion do you think 95% of mass shooters belong to? I don't think they're doing it in the name of religion yes they are not all of them

but they shot up A black fucking church Like three fucking years ago It's They're huge All Like religious murders In America Regularly

Absolutely a hundred percent A religious Religious motivated Attach A hundred percent I would Pulling a fact out of my arse I would say

Minimum a hundred times a year Alright I was blinking at that one yeah man Christianity is absolutely late and still that was like psycho fucking gun-toting hillbilly what do you that happened to be Christians I didn't think it was religiously motivated no it's all like if not all that like get me wrong, there are some people that are just fucking, and America has very poor mental health care

and regular fucking health care. So, you know, there's definitely that. So you're saying the Christians could come after you because of the blasphemy that you've committed? A hundred fucking percent.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny if you got victim of a Christian terror attack. I know, I would feel. It would be the worst way to go. Well, because it does feel like they're softer because they are the lamer. Like, I don't...

Man, I've definitely got, like, a little bit... Every time I do a joke where I'm mentioning Islam, I am like... Like, I have seen what these guys have done and this is, like, risky indeed. They are sensitive. Christians do not scare me at all because you fucking wank on yourselves off to a wizard.

It's the lamest thing I've ever seen in my fucking life no he's getting a go at it you sing you sing in harmony

while holding hands he's gotta be harmonising one minute aye harmonising in your gowns one minute and then coming and shooting me

up the next however pick a lane also I think the thing is whenever there is a Muslim attack, it's obviously focused so much on the fact that it was Islam in that case.

Whereas, of course, America's not going to be like, hey, there was another Christian shooting. Christian fundamentalists. It's the words that they choose in the media. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think that would be why. Why I've been brainwashed with propaganda. Yeah, well, yeah.

Just because they'll be like, well, there's nothing wrong with our religion because we do it, and that's good, but these fucking people over in the sandy desert, you know, remember the sandy people from Star Wars? They were bad. Therefore, these people must be bad. Their religion's the worst. What are they called again, the sandy people?

Jabberwockies. Tusken Raiders. Tusken Raiders. What did you say? Nothing. They beat that. They beat that. I fucking married a Jabberwockie. Raiders Tuscan Raiders that what did you say nothing no feet there no feet there I fucking married

a Jabberwocky I had a bunch of Jabberwockys in me wind I'm kidding I'm kidding no Tuscan Raiders yeah

I thought it would going to go worse and just be like camel jockeys that's my favourite type of when you're being racist about people that you're allowed to be racist to, for example the French doesn't matter, the Spanish the Italians, you can be racist to any of them

because they're not racist and they all suck so it's absolutely fine just tagging jockey onto their thing croissant jockey croissant jockey spaghetti jockey a fucking pipe okay the other one fucking mezzie jockeys are in greece that's gonna be a bit of cuisine and then you're riding it like a horse the other one that's always dangerous because like the term walk has different racial connotations in Australia than it does in the UK because walk in the UK definitely comes from the golly walks which is those little fucking racist dolls that they used to have. Whereas walk over

here is normally a slur towards Italian people and Greeks. And it's also it's a term that they use for themselves as well. And do they claim it's an acronym for Western Oriental gentlemen which would tell me that it means Chinaman that would be Eastern wouldn't it

no it comes from the same place it's like just white people were racist towards Italian people even though they're a bit whiter

but they still called them racial slurs right so because I mean there's a show in Australia called Superwalk and it's like

Italian and Greek guys and they tour there's a show in australia called super walk and it's like italian and greek guys and they tour there's like stephen k mos used to have a really good bit which is he was put in the paper and he was on with a bunch of greek acts and the headline was walks in comedy and obviously stephen k was just like what the fuck because it's a different yeah because it's it's fucking it's way more horrendous in the UK. So much more. And it was jarring when I first came over here, and it was so fucking funny.

I'm not even going to say it out loud, but when people use it for toilet attendance after a bog, it just feels like that is the fucking most horrendous shit. But over here, they'll just say wog. I'm just happy. Mark Bonanno from fucking Anna Donna calls himself a wog all the time because he's Italian. And, yeah.

So, with that in mind, when I'm saying wog in these examples, I'm doing it from there. Paella wog. Sombrero wog. Sombrero wog. It's, yeah, God,

I love just really, really shit basic reduction. You know, I'm a kilt jockey or a fucking, you know, a heel and coo jockey,

a fucking iron brew wog, whatever it is. Haggis wog. Haggis wog. No, you can't use it because, I'm a milkwog. Is there any other good, because we definitely can't use wog regularly. Jockey's fine, there's nothing racist about jockey. What's another good wee thing to add on there? And I'm trying to

think of actual racist terms I know and then just take it from so you're right you've got something jockey something wog so as i know you were doing a really weird wedding list something jockey something new packer like you know fudge packer yeah yeah okay baguette packer onion packer fucking pasta packas didn't they yeah yeah yeah

so you've got a packa jockey and a wog right but well it's just I'm trying to go because here's the thing I'm definitely you're a wog jockey

definitely races towards all of the Spanish all of the Spanish all of the Spanish were you there when Marlena was trying to she could not get it into her head that was fucking serious, that under no circumstance are we ever going to Spain again oh I've got some, I've told you this

already but I want to talk about it on the podcast about Natalie you know how she famously cuts corners to save money oh yeah, yeah so like, we're flying to Hawaii, we could have been on the same flight She famously cuts corners to save money. Oh, yeah, yeah. So like we're flying to Hawaii. We could have been on the same flight as you,

but you found one for half the price with WestJet. With only 19 stops in between. Uh-huh. And then it was going to be a couple hours longer via a different place with a longer layover on a more compact plane, but we're going to get there for a bit cheaper to save money on the holiday that you're already saving money on because you've paid for the accommodation. accommodation what do you just want it to be

free natalie do you want to go to hawaii for nothing so we ended up like being stuck on the runway disembarking the flight and then coming back tomorrow for the flight so we lost an entire day and uh that'll always be here the jewel in her crown of of money saving things gone wrong however close in at number two was um we're looking for flights that are going out of glasgow on a sunday when she finishes work and then flying into newcastle on a friday the day before matty's wedding so i'm looking in i'm putting in and i like oh we can get to dubai we can get a faro like all direct flights that are going to these places the far Faro one was reasonably cheap. And Natalie's like, okay, let's look at places in the Algarve

that we can stay. And I've fucking brought up like five or six hotels that I'd love to stay in, but they're a bit overpriced. But if I'm going to be on holiday, I travel with work. If I'm going to be on holiday, it's got to feel like I'm on holiday. If I'm scrolling through the pictures of a hotel and I see a shower curtain, bye-bye.

Fuck off, mate. There was one where it looked nice but the shower was on a mixer tap where you had to turn the hot and turn the cold until you find out. I'm not a fucking alchemist. No, I'm not here fucking breaking into fucking vaults in a bank.

I think that's Michael McIntyre but I just nicked Sorry Not from a point and click adventure from the 90s No I'm pretty sure, yes So I'm like writing off hotels for reasons like this I just like

I've found about five or six that are a couple of grand for five days for two, which is too much to get on the Algarve, right? So I just go, this is what I'm looking for, but I can't find anything reasonably priced enough. And Natalie was just like, right, leave it to me. I'll find something else. Because to be fair to Natalie, even though,

and I'll say the same about Cara, having somebody who is money conscious it's a good it's essential for me it's a really good thing they are the brakes on our i had no brakes man i was in 30 grand of debt when i met ali yeah and even though you helped us mostly with that by providing us with lots of work yeah she fixed the hole in the bucket that that money was gone into yeah and also make sure that it doesn't get there like having Cara be conscious of myself it's a really really good personality trait and we are just

two spoiled boys whining that we don't get to spoil ourselves as much as we want to fucking spoil ourselves so Natalie bless her right

goes right she's really good at organisation stuff I think we know that from how successful the Duggars bone has been in a matter of fucking

aye me house move aye they moved to London she's really good at all that shit. Like, literally everything that we've done, she's fucking nailed the organisation of it, right? But I think it's fair to say

the tightest part of her is her fist. So she goes, ooh, I'm going to book this one. It's half the price of the ones that he said, but it looks the same if you look through the photos. And I'm like, oh, fucking sweet. Yeah, do it. Book it. Boom everything it looks the same if you look through the photos and i'm like oh fucking sweet yeah do it book it boom and she books the flights the pharaoh books the hotel and then like 12 hours later just sends us like loads of laugh emojis i've just been chatting

to my dad and apparently that town's in spain she'd literally went down the price of the hotels until she'd left the country completely a worse country an objective an infinitely worse she was in the spanish answer to beric fucking morgana el beric on holiday and we're gonna spend more on hotel transfers than we would have and i think um she's she's getting in touch with him and she's actually sent a strongly worded letter to TripAdvisor going, if I put my parameters to Portugal, don't serve up hotels in Spain.

Aye, aye. That's not a country I want to go to. I'm trying to think, is there a bigger drop-off in the world between a border of a country than Portugal and Spain? Portugal is like nine ten out of ten in terms of fun food beauty people spain is a one spain i wouldn't i wouldn't even fly

through spain anymore because being in an airport with spanish people makes me want to kill myself well that's not true i want to kill all all Spanish people. Does Finland border with Sweden? Saying that though, the people of Finland aren't bad. Yeah, the people of Finland aren't bad. The people aren't bad in Finland. It's just a bit, you get there and you're like,

oh, this is a bit depressing and I do understand why you're all into really angry rock. East Germany and West Germany, you haven't even left the country. It was just the difference in hotel decor for me. It was like we'd went into

like we'd moved from like the year 2020 to the 70s yeah in hotel decor oh wait hold on

what borders Croatia to Italy does Croatia I think Croatia might border Italy like just because Croatia's got that long

fucking sea border Italy's there and Italy's I don't hate Italy as much as I hate Spain I think you're right with Portugal and Spain it's the biggest drop off

in the world Portuguese must be so smug at how much a better neighbour they are yeah but then again though like

I was going to say does Spain not do better in like the terms of football I'm only saying that because their their leagues like more prestigious than the Portuguese league

but as a national team the fucking Portugal have produced arguably better players yeah but Spain didn't have won the World Cup Portugal just won the Euros didn't they

and in the latest way it's still it's still a much more competitive level than England and Scotland yes sweet does Croatia

share a border with Italy even then though Italy you can't cheat on Italy from that high a height because they've got sweet does Croatia share a border with Italy you kind of shit on Italy from that high I hate because they've got fucking vineyards and nice like it's across the water but it's blocked by Slovenia

I knew it was Slovenia blocking so I we're going to change it we're going to dig our heels in and change it just due to principle but that was very funny when she got back and I was like no one knows cheaper it's in Spain

Ireland Northern Ireland that's a that's a drop off I don't know you know I think that's that's putting Ireland off I don't know you know I think that's that's putting that's putting Ireland

on a pedestal there yeah yeah Dublin is Dublin is Dublin is so fun to kick in it's so fun

and like in both in both places I love the people like it's the crack oh I don't like I like Belfast

as a gig Belfast as a city doesn't offer crack oh I don't like I like Belfast as a gig Belfast as a city doesn't offer anything like I don't I don't think there's a good night out in Belfast I have is a good night in Belfast is because of the people you with it there's no you know what I've never been in Belfast thinking oh this would be a nice city break when we wave oh but I have been in Dublin thinking like but then there that some of my experiences in Dublin, I've seen the underbelly of it. And it's fucking grimy.

Oh, Dublin's a show. Dublin is definitely going to be in the top five worst capital cities in the world, just in terms of... Paris is also up there, by the way. But it's also a belt and eight out. Aye. Maybe it's those two things come hand in hand.

If your city's driving you might have it how does Spain suck at everything across the board how do they just get it all wrong at every

because they'll sit there and be like what about our food and you're like I don't know you're talking about Portugal's doing the exact same shit

man you're not you're not special aye tapas is quite annoying as well yeah I occasionally

go for tapas when quite annoying as well yeah like i i occasionally go for tapas when atly but like if i was just you know if i was just looking for somewhere to eat on my own right i'd walk past every tapas place i'd eat fast food before i tapas on my own like you have to be there sharing it like i think it's not it's it's you You kind of, like, that's not... You kind of boast on that, like. I don't think they can boast on their cuisine. It's not the best food in the world. It's not the best wine in the world. It's not the best company in the world. You're horrible

people. You really are. You're so... You're so really fucking... And this is coming from a really unpleasant man himself. To each other. Like, I always see Spanish people talking, and I don't understand the lick of the language, but, like, I fucking know that they're being mean to each other like I always see Spanish people talking and I don't understand the lick of the language but like I fucking know that they're

being mean to each other and they're being hostile and they're being snarky just because of the tone of it

I've never seen two Spanish people having a conversation just going oh they look like they have respect for each other but it's the

language of love no it's not you're all angry that was France and LA claims to be the language of love as well

and Spain does Spain's up itself the Spanish think they're romantic because they'll hold you down it's a nation of sex offenders

I'm going to say it Feroz? aye every single one of you I bet it was you that got mad on the can I'm going to say that

right now I reckon yous went over your fucking border and because you know Portugal so much fucking better than you infinitely, right, and because you've got no sense of like, let's improve ourselves as a country, all we can do is drag down other people like the way depressed people and bipolar

people do. That's what you are, you fucking piece of shit. I reckon you keep wearing that hotel on the border. You went over, you dragged her over and you're like oh, it's Portuguese, it's fucking, it's you. In fact, I'm willing to bet 95% of crimes committed in Portugal are committed by Spanish people. Aye.

I actually think the Holocaust wasn't Germany. It was you. You dirty fucking paella walks. It was you, you dirty fucking paella walks. You fucking tomato junkies. You fucking... You fucking pedo packers. Olive oil munchers. Aye.

Just a rotten... But I'm Spanish and I listen to your podcast. Surely I don't fall into that not you no no no I'm never coming back to Spain there are no consequences to these fucking words

I hate you I hate your fucking country it's shite it's awful and you've got no sense of self so you'll never improve fuck

every single last one of you would you not even go in there to save 50 quid on your trip to Portugal and I'm also doing this just in case because Marlena keeps she's like You can go there to save 50 quid on your trip to Portugal. And I'm also doing this just in case, because Marlena keeps, she's like,

what about if I was to do it? I'm never going back to Spain. I'm definitely going back to Spain to go to the new camp. That's a steady moment, isn't it? Watching football in Spain, that's a different type of tourism. You kind of take that away from them. They've got good football.

Yeah, but not enough to make me want to spend a second in the worst country in the world. Like, I would honestly... What's the name of that fucking African country where they definitely do not go there? It's the most dangerous country in the world for tourists. Morocco. The Dominican Republic of Congo? No.

Somalia? Mogadishu? Mogadishu, thank you. That's exactly what I was talking about. Yes, thank you. I would genuinely go there with Caelan before you went to Barcelona for the match

yep abso-fucking-lutely and I'd have Cara walking around in a fucking bikini I'd have money hanging in my back pocket throwing a Rolex in the sky yeah just juggling juggling things before I spent a second

in that paella munching piece of country i i think i'd like to cheer me up go and find out what the average age a spanish person dies at i'd actually like to go to more african countries so would i like as a tourist um me auntie and uncle all like they're retired now and they go away for months to Kenya. They just go and live some of their retirement in Kenya. And they've befriended people on the nature reserves and that. Spanish life expectancy is 82 years. Oh, gutting.

Gutting. Not enough. I hope there's one of them that's lived to 20,000. And he's just brought the average up. I hope there's like one of them that's lived to like 20,000. And he's just brought the average up. Let's talk about countries we don't hate. Australia.

We are still on tour. And I know we complain about you a lot, but also, you know, you can take it and you deserve it. Sydney Opera House was amazing. Thank you so much for everyone who came to that. That was a phenomenal experience. It just felt good. It was just one of them where, like,

as soon as you, like, walk on stage, you just see the Xbox achievement thing just come up on the bottom of your screen, just go unlocked, and it's got, like, a gold trophy next to it on the PlayStation 1. Your dick grows an extra inch. Yeah, I have, like, whoa, a two-inch dick. We've got other Sydney shows

and most of the Enmore ones are sold out I think the fifth one is about half full capacity at the moment so we're not adding any more shows until that sells out so that's your last chance to see us in Sydney, Melbourne's been announced and I'm going to do a week and sell that out because it's such a

it's such a big fuck you to the head of the Melbourne Comedy Festival, and I cannot tell you how important that is to me. The money means nothing, but the head of the Melbourne Comedy Festival stopped me. Did you hear that? He's just lowered his ticket price to cost.

He's just lowered it. It's literally cost price now. The head of the Melbourne Comedy Festival blocked me, Kai and Mark Nelson for coming to the Melbourne Comedy Festival for four years because of a 20-year-old. Even though our careers were going just fine and all the comedy clubs were booking her

and respected her, she just had beef with her agent, I guess. She had a relationship with somebody that wasn't us that decided to take that out on us so it got to the point where our amazing management

in century put their fucking foot down one year and were like we're not letting you block these people coming over anymore like it's

like fuck you they brought me over and then obviously she was very nice and friendly because she's a fucking snake with tits and

cock jocky She then made first time I did Melbourne Comedy Festival I was in the worst venue which was no fucking coincidence the worst room in the worst fucking venue. I had the time of fucking life because Melbourne audiences are fucking great, not in comparison to the rest of Australia

but in general they're pretty fucking good She stopped me getting nominated for, I mean I've got no proof of that rate not in comparison to the rest of australia but in general they're pretty fucking good um she stopped me getting nominated for i mean i've got no proof of that but you know those are uh how does that the shows that made me famous around the world when even in the conversation best newcomer i didn't when i didn't when i didn't get nominated for best even though you got held back from arriving for a good fucking seven years. Yeah. She is an objectively evil person. And playing the largest venue at the fucking festival, it's just...

It makes me so fucking happy. Because she had nothing to do with it. She had nothing to do... A few years back, there was just a perfect storm, wasn't there? Where, like, I don't think Auntie Donna were doing the festival that year. there was a couple of that big accent movies will anderson wasn't and you you sold the most tickets and that was the like an award that they had was the people's choice because that's what the people chose to say ahead of everything

else and she had no sway over like the subjectivity yes she couldn't she couldn't stop me from winning that award she She had no influence over it. You choked her in the river. Yeah. I didn't go to the, she told me that I'd won the award.

I said, cool, tell her to shove it up her cunt. I'm not fucking interested. And for like three days they're like, we understand where

you're coming from, but we have to be professional. We have other actors at this festival and we're not going to do anything. The relationship is

important for their progress. And we don't hate her as much as you hate her because professional and we have other actors at this festival and the relationship is important for their progress. And we don't hate her as much as you hate her because she never did anything directly to us but we will go there and I was like go there, don't thank the festival, only thank the fans and only thank Century Entertainment. George came back with the award in a sealed envelope and me and Alex Donna went down to the river and chucked both in without opening them. Nice. Yep. Imagine that was like a massive heartfelt apology.

I wouldn't accept an apology from her. I wouldn't accept an apology. You do not get to tamper and delay my fucking career and then when I'm successful grab on to the fucking cool dudes get your press release with your name out of our ass she could grovel on her fucking knees and I would never forgive her I wouldn't recognise her actually, who's this begging?

Oyed I don't think I've seen her before yeah because for her you don't offer anything so why would she? I didn't think I've seen her before Yeah Because you know For her you don't offer anything So why would she So please if you're in Melbourne Come and help us

Give a massive fuck you to this horrible cow Are you getting me another You're going to fill the river with litter No no Because the only reason I won the people's show That year was because it was the year That I won the people's choice award that year was because it was the year that I

had to do the lockdown and it was during COVID so and you weren't just going for four days

yeah and it was so like Ursula Carson was unable to get over Auntie Donna weren't doing

their full fucking thing I was not the people's I was only people's choice award was because

the borders were closed to most other people people's fifth choice yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah right yeah, yeah. Right, so wrap this up. We're going to Melbourne next. So I am anyway. If you're watching this as it's released, I'm going to be in Melbourne for the next five days. We're going to do your show in the middle of that run and then come back again in Melbourne.

And also at the end of your tour, we're going to do a podcast. I think it worked out as the 23rd at the Toff in town. Keep an eye on... Look, I'll put it on the Patreon as a memo and I'll put it on Twitter, but I'll make it public

so that the public can read the memo as well. So you don't need to be signed up to the Patreon to read the details. Yeah. And also please do come to that show because when it goes in general sale scammer just gonna come scam that see my fucking name and don't listen to this podcast are gonna come to the and we don't want them there because they're not good it needs to be you all right so please do whatever you can to come

because remember when we've done that live podcast in Amsterdam to people who didn't even know who we were? Yeah, yeah. And it strangely worked because we talked to the podcast listeners as if the audience wasn't there. There's just loads of people looking at us. Yeah. I don't know anyone. It was awkward.

We just sealed ourselves in a little bubble into the podcast. So I guess we'll talk to you in a couple of days when hopefully my nicotine addiction is better and I'm less of a miserable cunt I apologise to anyone I offended during this podcast except for the fucking Spanish, I hope every last one of you

fucking dies I think you're alright