Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.28: Tiki Waititi

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

Arena comics Muggins and Cream forget their roots and pick holes in their accolade moments after reaching those heights. Daniel goes wine tasting in a man's garage and Kai gets lost in the streets of Melbourne at a crucial moment in the festival.

Hello podcast listeners, welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphries on the Road from here in Australia. It's a regular episode, but if you give us money and you get this earlier, you know we much prefer you. We much prefer you. Thanks for being Patreons, you're the fucking best. If you're the regular listeners, cool. Alright, you're here too. Great, thanks. You make up an audience. I'm grateful for that, but in terms, on the spectrum of fucking gratitude, how I feel for you compared to how I feel for the fucking Patreons, night and day. Night and fucking day. Stepkid, real kid.

Right? Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo! They said it can't be done are we in the same seats

that's hack oh muggles accidental rim job in the park kiss kiss kiss or am I just being cynical just muggled it up on fucking mugglopedia

where have you been since 9-11 alright how does it feel being an arena comic is this a public episode is this a public episode? Is this a loaded question? Well, yes, because, yes, it feels really good.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Me too. You know what? I did in the sense of occasion. The sense of occasion was it felt massive it felt like a big deal it was ground breaking for us

and it was super underwhelming as an experience on stage just not good I just don't think it belongs good audience and I know it was a good audience because my mum and dad were watching it and they were like oh that was great yeah and me and you were like you know it was you know it's good you know it was you know yeah but i didn't top 10 gigs

top 100 maybe top top 100 in australia yeah yeah top 25 in australia but hey this is what it is it's totally it's totally fine everyone's having a good time they're all laughing but we might as well have your plugs in because in a theater with three and a half thousand people in right hello and Hello and welcome to our Diamond Shoes or Two type podcast. That's what the podcast is. Where we have wonderful things happen to us and then just complain about that. What did you not enjoy about the Sydney Opera House, Kai?

No, no, no, Daniel. Imagine you can't have sex with Scarlett Johansson. Well, there's nothing in there for me. I love my fiancée. No, no, Daniel. No, there's nothing in there for me. love my fiance no no no no no there's nothing in there for me no I'm a loyal man

disassociate nope nope wait fine it's a period fine it's a period episode alright my heart belongs to one vagina

no but just hypothetically right Cara died yesterday what and tomorrow and tomorrow you had a chance

to sleep with Scarlett Scarlett Johansson okay and she just, Lea, they're like sack spuds. Right, okay. That was another one where if it got clipped by Jack, he would put, I don't know what Kai said there.

Yes. Lea, they're like a sack of potatoes. It was just out of rhythm completely with you. You had no chemistry. Yeah, you just don't, you don't put the brakes on your accent often but that's not fair the analogy I've just given

is not fair on the crowd the crowd was fucking amazing this was the problem when you play to three and a half thousand people in a theatre right you've got a circle and you've got a

you've got a balcony and everybody's like a bit closer and everybody's looking at you and you can hear the people furthest away laughing right if you put that five thousand people and just rolled them like a pancake and everybody's looking at you and you can hear the people furthest away laughing. If you put that 5,000 people and just rolled them like a pancake

as flat as you could and as far as you could, you see the people at the back, if you just got like a back row of people and they laughed as hard as they could, you wouldn't hear it. It wouldn't reach you. I couldn't speak to the sound technician shouting at each other.

He needed a mic to speak back to us doing soundcheck because I couldn't hear him there. So everybody past a certain point, the volume of them people just doesn't reach you. The volume dies before they see you. So you don't get that wave of everybody laughing coming at you. You just get the few people at the front, the laughter from that reaching.

You know everybody's having a good time, but it feels like you've just rolled up your plugs and put them in for your gig. It's not the world's smallest fun island but it is a very small one it's you know it's not the smallest because I agree with you but I mean I agree with you more like it was

it was just so underwhelming walking out of the stage and being like hey here we go I think it will be better next time because I think now that we know that the way you can do it is you can feed back some of the sound from the audience which I think is cheating

I've done it before but it wasn't me that did it I think it was the Capital Theatre in Melbourne and the Tobins had used it before with, I think it was Stephen K. Amos and they discovered that like,

they laughed at it in Richard so they kind of make up the back half and put them in the monitors. Something irks me about that. Feels dirty. Feels dirty. Feels like something Red Bull would do in Formula One. You're like,

oh, but it's technically legal. You're like, ah, it's still all bad. You turned them up. No, I've been speaking to a comic

that's been touring arenas with Michael McIntyre Paul Tomkinson he got in touch with us when he saw that I put a post on

that with Dunn Arena and he was like you've got to remember that they're all looking at the screens and not you that's another bit I didn't enjoy

yeah that's what I mean you feel like a tiny little speck on stage well you can see people you can see people not the people up close because you're there and you're sweating on them and accidentally spitting on them and stuff but there's like you could then see people in the distance and you'll just do something and because i'm you know i'm doing something with my face they'll all just go hello it's like watching cunts randomly decide to watch tennis while you're doing it

yeah the second it's expressive they're like oh I'll just no I'll pay less attention and I was jarring I mean don't get me wrong we'll definitely do

stuff like it again but if you'd ask me my personal preference if you can sell 10,000 tickets I think the best way to do that is

like three three thousands well four three thousands so the best way to do that is like three three thousands or four three thousands so what you want to do is that you piss and moan about my success and gripe

and just never be happy no matter how far I get ahead way further than anything I ever dreamed of I want to piss and moan the entire time because it's on brand

and but that's it I just gotta I mean this because it's on brand and... Well, that's it. I just got to... It's also this is just who I am. Gav's people are being a sparky. He was doing work on this lad's house. You can't say that. Sparky's.

Hey, he's not a patron. You can't go from there. Difficult. He's a noodle sparky. All right. pause that story I've got another one Gav had this thing where every time

we've got a celebrity on Punch Drunk including yourself like yeah he called it getting a shiny I've got a shiny

Ian Sterling I've got a shiny but then we've got like a sequence of celebrities that was like Delisa Chupanda and then

Paul Sinner and then Stephen Kemos and then Stephen Kamos and then Danny McLaughlin, Texas guy, Kai, man, he's got to stop calling them shinies. So, Gavis did work on this lad's house, right? And you knew of this lad, right? Because he made the paper for how much he was punching. Like, there's a picture of him and his missus in the Nationals.

Oh, I remember this guy. Right? Because he's doing so unbelievably well for himself, appearance-wise. God knows what he has to put up with. Are you suggesting that a beautiful woman couldn't be kind and fair? I mean, I would never suggest that because I've looked at it. The same man won the lottery and he's in his lottery board house with his amazing wife

in Gavisgan he just doesn't stop winching he's like I just turned up fucking broke as fuck

he's just didn't fucking rewire he's just way happier she's got this obsession with blowjobs

man I'm sick of them I'm absolutely sick of them I can't fucking hack it man all she wants to do is suck my dick and play FIFA

like I don't like playing with her it feels gross she's fucking she's like she's good at it but like I still

I'd be that so I got like a good competitive game I had the feeling of winning you know gosh she just reads all my favourite books to me

before I go to bed and I just you know what I'm not getting enough sleep well I mean I don't have to wake up for anything to be honest this is bullshit

this I can eat what I want and I'm still ripped I'm sick as fuck I'm sick as fuck what's the point in eating? Every time I get the washing out of the fucking machine, the fucking socks come out and pet us. I'm fucking bored man. I've got nothing to do, I was going to pet him up, now look at us. Do you have any idea how many hotels I own in Vegas for just

I just I just want to get out of here I can't be arsed taking all of these chips home put it put it all put all million on it

on fucking double zeros just get me out of here it was me that put it out there that the casino always wins like that should have been a secret but I've been trying to tell them

and they just still keep coming and putting money on I'm fucking worried getting me dick sucked playing FIFA why on earth did she develop this horrible addiction to sucking my dick

just when I learned to suck my own dick got me ribs removed for nothing fucking delicious as well what's the chance of that what's the fucking chance of that, Yomi? Anyway, that's us. That's us for the first couple of minutes of our podcast.

Oh, I'm so pathetic, so ungrateful. I remember when I was practicing gratitude, and as with everything, if I'm not good at something instantly I'll stop doing it forever practicing for now when was the last time you meditated? the day before yesterday maybe

that was the day before yesterday maybe I'm going to translate myself that's what I do now Jack skips the complex with his subtitles. Oh, my God. Dave Longley's comments on the latest clip are fucking… I've not seen it yet.

Oh, my God. Has he been fishing? Oh, my God. Right. So somebody put… So he put about the swear words in Jerry Seinfeld because the clip was about 1-0, Jerry Seinfeld. He goes, Jerry Seinfeld didn't swear, so he's got that on you.

I was like, well, 1-1. And someone went, yeah, Jerry Seinfeld also married an 18-year-old when he was 38. So I was like, 2-1 to us. To us. Make that clear. And then Dave Longley started replying back and, well, it's the age of consent, isn't it? The age of consent in Angola is 12 so the USA have got

a lot of catching up to do it was one of them where I always like to put a like on the status so that people can see you know like

after it's done its work I'm not liking that I kind of like it I kind of feel like that but fuck me I laughed can you cut the edges that bit where it said he said but fuck me that's it but fuck me

but fuck me I like that thing that you were saying the other day about the I just love fucking children man great children are... I just love fucking children, man. My great children are great. I just love fucking children. Never. This is a good episode.

Thank God this is a public one. Yeah, I got it. We went to Newcastle at the day without you. You were in Newcastle at the same time your fiancée was in Newcastle? Yep. Did you take stock of that? I didn't notice that until someone DM'd. We were both in the Newcastles on the

opposite side of the planet and first thing I'll say is after being very good friends with Rhys Nicholson since 2008. He's about to say something awful. Okay, we'll go strap in. Strap on. That was you! You did it!

Come on. Rhys has shat on Newcastle. That's where he's from, right? And he's always just been like... Is he Geordie?

He's Aussie Geordie. Aye. Do they call themselves Geordies? No. Do you know why they call it Newcastle? No.

Because they found Cole there. Uh-huh. And Ashley Cole, I mean, Cheryl Cole, damn it. Damn it! Ashley Cole, you fucking racist. Jesus! No.

Yeah. Ashley Cole married Cheryl Tweedy, is what I was about to say last time, and she became Cheryl Cole. And they were like, Cheryl Cole's a Geordie. No, because there's Cole in Newcastle, they found Cole in Newcastle, phone Colin Newcastle Called it Newcastle And named all the places Like Gosruff and Jasmine And stuff

You full of shit My sauce Is really bad Aye I think you've been True lied here Aye Go and find out

If any of that's true Is Newcastle in Australia There's no way. I'm putting all my eggs in one basket. I want it to be wrong. I want it to be wrong now, so that we get less respect in my eyes. Who is it?

Elliot Steele. There's no... Is it actually Elliot Steele? No. Because if it was, I was like, why did you waste any of our fucking time with that? Fucking man can't remember his fucking pin

codes so we were in another Newcastle we get there early my mum rents a car so we drive down to the family

Connor Burns is supporting we drop Marlene off at the venue we decide that we're going to go to a vineyard you know

we'll go there my dad can drive back there's one 30 minutes outside of newcastle and again reason has just constantly talked about how shit newcastle is how unpleasant it is like so i'm expecting something like uk newcastle whoa just something you know beautiful city beautiful city when you don't see any of its inhabitants like if it was in like a 28 days

later situation maybe good to look at but when yous are scurrying around the streets just doesn't

it's not just don't head west you've got you've got there's loads of homes in Newcastle I don't think disproportionately

to other cities do you know what I'm saying I think disproportionately I would say to Scotland Huh I would say to Scotland I feel like last time We were in

Oh Glasgow Edinburgh Yeah I think Newcastle Are actually proportionally better Not that Any numbers are good Maybe it's just more

Of you look homeless And I'm making judgements And maybe You're just lying On the floor Yeah So it was actually Like quite nice It was very nice But you look homeless and i'm making judgments and maybe you know you're just lying on the floor yeah so it was actually like quite nice it was very nice but sorry have you got an answer here uh there's there's it's really hard to find the history of the name of it but it does say that it's named after the newcastle upon time but it doesn't really give a reason it doesn't say

because of the mining uh it says the settlement was originally called Coal River. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe it's true then, alright. And can you look at a map of Newcastle and tell us if there's places called Jesmond in it and whether that bit's true? Like, what would we be looking for? I say if there's a Jesmond in it. Say if there's a cold stream.

Yeah, a cold stream's not Thumbland. They're not going to borrow from just the... They're not going to have a Tyne mouth because I doubt that river's called Tyne Is that the river called Tyne? They can't just be fucking jockeying everything White people who steal things from another country doing a fucking genocide aren't going to steal the name of something

That's where their moral compass is Let's kill all the people that are here Oh no no no I'm an artist I was about to have a little bit of... I was about to say a couthness. I don't think couthness is a word. I don't think it is.

Couthness. Integrity. I'll just say integrity. There is a Jesmond. There's also Belmont, Swansea, Toronto. So they are naked from everywhere. They're just thieves across the board. Well, I think that happens a lot.

Like in Adelaide, there's a Brighton Beach. Aye. And there's a Miami Beach and Gold Coast. Aye. So man, Newcastle, Australia, really nice. I mean, we're just in the centre and then we're driving out and talking about the fucking vineyard bits. So we're look for a place. Is it called the Twin Bridges or

Two Bridges, Matthew? Twin Bridges. Twin Bridges. Twin Bridges is the name of the distillery, right? We pull off down this fucking road. We pull off down this other road. We see a sign. It says Twin Bridges. We cross one. There's a fucking big ass lizard beside it. We cross another bridge. There's a big ass lizard on it we cross another bridge there's a big ass lizard on it right real actual lizards just moving around

we're like oh I mean like a big lizard like a monocular no no like a real but a big ass

fucking iguana though like a bearded lizard iguana's the ones with the like changed colours that's a chameleon that's me you changed colours no you're a raceameleon. That's me.

You change colours. You're a race train. I am bong-eyed, though. Aye, aye. And is that to catch prey? I do. Because it didn't help with women at all. I do lash my tongue out when I want something. Oh, there's my vape.

oh there's me vaping and then we just like man man there are no vineyards there are no vines there are no grapes

there's no big things big things you know the big vats you know there's no groups of people stomping on

grapes through mesh dripping out there's no French people it's just like a bloke's house and then it's like woodworking shed and we get down there and we're like

oh I mean there's no way this is it so we're like there's no parking there's no sign anywhere that's like oh welcome to this area clearly we fucking didn't so how did you even discover this place we just typed in vineyards in the area and it says this place. We're like,

okay, well, that's weird. Maybe we went to the wrong bit. Maybe that sign was just there. So you just Googled vineyards. No one recommended it. You were just like,

I fancy wine. What's the closest to the, what's the shortest fucking drive? Just because in the places that you've been in so far in Australia, they've had nice vineyards. All Australian wine's good,

man. So you discover a vineyard that's hidden. Yeah, and a vineyard that's hidden. Yeah, and no vineyard. And we're like, right, clearly we've come to the fucking wrong bit. Clearly there's going to be some guest services. Is it like when you're cycling through America and you see kids with a lemonade stand

and they've made their own lemonade and they're selling their lemonade? Or is it just somebody doing that but with grapes? Well, we come out. I'm like, let's just find another one. Clearly that's either just some sort of homebrewing fucking thing, in which case there's not going to be a fucking tour of it. It's not what we're after. Thank you.

Let's find another one. She's just like, I'll just call the guy. She phones him up and he answers. And he goes, hello? She's like, I'm looking for Twin Bridges. Is there any chance we can throw a tour? And he's like, oh, yeah. Were you the people who just drove into my driveway?

And we were like, yeah. He's like, oh, yeah, I managed to go back from the market. Sorry. Come on back down. And we go there. And it's exactly what we thought. He just goes to other places, picks up grapes, comes back. And for 20 years has been making wine in his fucking

garage. What, grapes from Kohl's? You went to Woolworths? No, no, as in like... Can you do that? Can you get grapes from the supermarket and make wine? I mean, you could, but not in the capacity. He's buying tons of grapes. Like, man, he's producing... It wouldn't be cost-effective, would it?

No. He does sell wine. He doesn't make money, but he's like man it's a retirement hobby that got heaps out of hand like so

out of hand he doesn't make money but he's getting high on his own supply and saving a fortune oh man

can you imagine that's good wine as well man it's very nice it doesn't taste like homebrew one of them

has won awards but you know Brendan Schaub's Whiskey has also won awards you can just buy an award

probably has an award yeah yeah yeah I mean it's just but I mean it's legitimately fucking good we were there for about an hour and it was very funny

because he was just like alright so I'll just give you like a wine tour then and he shows us all his vats and how it's done and it's you know

it's not done in wood as much anymore because plastic is actually fucking better in general and he does it in plastic vats and how it's done and it's you know it's not done in wood as much anymore because plastic hither actually fucking better in general um and it doesn't plastic vats big ass pass but fans and then also this blew my mind he's like well we've got this selection here which i'm just gonna have to give to the gods i'm like what does that mean he's like i have to i'm gonna have to put it out i'm like why he's like oh because it's gone off I'm like I don't know why'd you go off

I thought the whole point was the older a wine got yeah a dusty bottle aye surely but no turn to vinegar eventually yeah

so you know if somebody's got like a wine collection that's fucking vintage is that going to taste like gash no because I think that's like specifically good grapes

and done in certain ways that it will be it would be it was designed to last that style whereas this stuff was just like hey let's make a batch that's going to be fucking delicious grapes and done in certain ways that it will be it will be it was designed to last that time whereas this stuff was just like hey let's make a batch that's going to be fucking delicious in a year and then we can sell it for four years before it goes off because he was saying there is a perfect time to drink wines like this and stuff and man the whole time he's given us this

speech he's just pouring us all of just his homemade fucking wine and he's having as much as we are i'm like man what a life just some just randomly what a lottery ticket you've just made your own wine in your back garden and then occasionally trip advisor google maps just throw you a customer they're just there again shite this absolutely shite this they came in they bought fucking oh what 17 fucking bottles when we do this and buy more grapes, I guess, actually. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I will. I said, drive this, not enough to cover the fucking bottle.

I am steaming, though, God, I've had fun. Have you been drinking loads of it? No, no, him. I was still doing him. Man, he was fucking, man, he was, because we were getting, like, drug, man. He wasn't giving us small things. And we were asking questions because, man, it's like, normally at a distillery, I don't care how you fucking make Guinness. I couldn't give a shit.

Just give me the fucking examples and piss off. Right. But when it's just. There's a dude in his passion project. When it's a fucking like. It's not a tour. It's just like. And man, he was a different generation.

Like there was like, We got on with them I wouldn't have liked to have known his opinions on homosexuals Nah I wouldn't have There was a humour barrier He found out I was a comedian You cannot make good wine and not like the homosexuals I just feel like

There's a bit of the ping pong involved in the wine industry Ah yeah You know what Maybe this is my bigotry It's like fucking old people I just feel like there's a bit of the pink pound involved in the wine industry ah yeah yeah you know what maybe this is my bigotry it's like fucking old people

but he just you know maybe I was judging him for the fact that you know it's in Newcastle and obviously the reason

Rhys Nicholson actually hated Newcastle so much isn't just because you know he thought it was a fucking shithole

but I said it on stage because the gig was fucking class back the audience was really really good so much better than that 5,000 seats just being a whiny dick

at the end of it I was like Reece Nicholson has shat on this place for years and I just got to tell them maybe the secret is just not being gay here

then they treat you like royalty you don't get a completely different experience than what Reece Nicholson got from the place. Abso-fucking-lutely, man. Like, I reckon it's the same time. Like, I'm like, man, America is such a warm and welcoming place.

People in Mexico and the rest of South America are like... But do people instantly assume you to be straight? I suppose they're the way you dress with that. Well, I was. What, a slam round to what a slam that's what well you know I like brown shoes white belt

black top not now oh right I was I was I was I was I was

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dresses you and even then you still fuck it up afterwards you have no right to be slinging any of this at me hey I done me last year sir don't get me wrong I'll give you

you look straighter than me I mean nah I forgot which argument to fight aye I mean I can't did you get the time stamp on when we're we're getting the wine in as well

just so you can chop that food including this one yeah let's not be too unprofessional like you know definitely these definitely these bits aye

so very good wine Really good wine, we bought a bunch of the balls Never, and you've not had it yet But have you ever in your fucking life Had sparkling red wine Sparkling red? Aye I can't say I have

No, he makes it Which I'm like, surely that's I've had red wine and sprayed I've got a pinot noir through a sort of stream thank you

thank you for alley-ooping that in I wasn't going to get there it was just whizzing around the room you can see me

just well he could have helped me before before I did a double couth or whatever the fuck I said uncouth

is how you they're the opposite of couth super couth uncouth couth or whatever the fuck I said uncouth is how you would go they're the opposite of couth uncouth couthness over couthed wine sparkling red sparkling like a deep

a deep sparkling red I already know I don't want it no now I can understand where you're coming from when is red wine terrible? What's the worst sort of climate And time of day To be drinking red wine in? Red wine?

Aye Cold? No no no Not the temperature of the wine The temperature of like Outside and stuff Aye cold Oh so it's

Worst times to While it's fucking cold outside Well I'd probably I'd get into mulled wine If it was like Freezing alright If it was snow okay

what about if it was warm weather what do you do if you're beside a pool you want some wine what are you going for look at what this podcast has become

I like red wine in the sun South Africa I got to South Africa it's a sunny day drinking red wine do they refrigerate it no I mean they probably

have it in like the refrigeration will be room temperature which is probably still you're having you're having a fucking pinot noir with the sun

beating off the back of your head aye 100% what the we've done it at Molly Dukas in Adelaide

oh yeah yeah yeah that was like drinking fucking velvet to be fair it was called velvet glove as well oh yeah

yeah yeah yeah we are part of our connoisseurs on this episode And I was like drinking fucking velvet, to be fair. It was called Velvet Glove as well. Oh, yeah. We'll pop our connoisseurs on this episode. I don't think that's what they're getting from this. No, no, no. Yeah, I'm going to spit some wine knowledge. Do you know when they say like... Oh, the French method. I like that. Oh, man.

I got some really good feedback on your Chinese prison joke. Let's say no more. A few people on separate occasions after the gigs when i've been chatting to them that listen to the thing we're saying that they were absolutely howling chinese prison joke it's so racist oh it's the thinly thinly veiled thinly veiled ironic it's highlighted it's not veiled you know there's neon arrows pointing at it look at that veil you know if you're looking at the

tasting notes on the back of a bottle of wine are you listening to the concierge sauvignon what's it called again sommelier

the concierge I'm spitting on it the sommelier tells you that it's got notes of apricot you know them grapes have never been near an apricot

there's never been an apricot near that wine it's all to do with the minerals in the soil give it the specific flavours and it's all made up you cannot get it wrong

and then people like come to an agreement that like yeah I'm getting apricots from that and see what I get also people have like different fucking palates man

so other people like he was saying like people experience different things in different parts of the flavour depending on who the fuck they are

like smokers and non-smokers probably get a different experience with wine right man you could literally go out there and be like I'm getting hints of Marmite and people would be like

yep absolutely I guess there's something better in there so therefore that's not wrong you're like it tastes like my childhood and like maybe bubblegum

maybe your dad spat on you after drinking this once maybe it does taste like you're like it tastes like my childhood and like maybe your dad spat on you after drinking this once maybe it does taste like it and like there's nothing it tastes like the moon but like that

makes sense we kept the balls outside at the moon what a guess right werewolves love this which is ironic and it's also not

ironic it's not ironic it's actually a perfect match the moon and werewolves is a good pairing no no perfect pairing I don't think no werewolves is a good pairing no no

perfect pairing I don't think no werewolves come out in a full moon yeah but I don't think they want to it's always bad

it's always bad it's always bad it's always bad show me show me one fucking con who's normal bloke and he knows

he's gonna be a werewolf in a full moon and he's like oh here we go yes get to eat some flesh what's that movie be one fucking cunt who's normal bloke and he knows he's going to be a werewolf in film and he's like oh here we go yes get to eat some flesh what's that

movie American Werewolf in London not seen it so maybe thank god you rat bastard

it's neither have I Teen Wolf No I think it's always always an inconvenience Home for the Wilder People The other one of his

Tiki Waititi's one What did you just call him you racist piece of shit Tiki Waititi Aye Fuck me That's who's calling it? No that's

That's the racist name Your gran came up from Tiki Waititi It's fucking You've done Ragnarok You've got to stop Saying it man Fucking Tiki Waititi

That thing You can't I'm telling you I'm telling you It doesn't make a call Didn't come out of the woods You can't say any of this It wasn't telling you It's a slur Does it make a call? Didn't come out of the woods? You can't say anything this way It wasn't coming out of the woods

If I was it That was M. Night Shyamalan It's getting worse I don't I can't Different director Got mistaken

It was not Who I take the It's M. Night Shyamalan You've got to I'm fucking Telling you but None of it's a slur It's all a slur None of it's a slur. It's all a slur.

None of it's a slur. Is this your technopathy accent? Is that how they do it? Is that how they do it? Doing. Doing means doing. Who? Pig.

Pikey. Fucking hell. There's a bar in there. There's a bar in There's a bar in fucking You've crossed it Just getting everything wrong Get one thing wrong Start getting everything wrong No one knows what you're meaning to get wrong

You've crossed it A gymnast's compliment You've got into law You've passed it I've had something to talk about I wasn't finished what we were just talking about because the main was boring because we were under attack

it was going to be a safety quit main I've done this before it's because you were under attack it was going to be a safety quip you can I've done this before you do your thing me more importantly are you talking about what you're a show for before I bring on my opening act who is only doing a short period of time let me take up some of his time

by talking for two minutes I'm above coming to Tati straight away but I know somebody who isn't he's just here for one reason only to whammy out love

there's not there's not a chance you know who he is there's not a chance you care after 12 years of tuning together welcome to the stage

who's this guy he met Ben Denny met Ben Denny oh was he the guy from the last one I guess the fucking wildlife here that makes noises it's just another part of Australia where they just went well

I guess a bird makes the noises of a monkey being sexually assaulted at 5.30 in the morning every day for 45 minutes. Is that how they make it as well? Like, you know, back home? No, it's just what they do. As much as with B4O and country, well, even though we're from different countries, the morning chorus is

glorious in the UK what the yeah yeah because it's just little birds tweeting and if your

windows are closed you cannot hear the tweet there seems to be like a bit of harmony

to it there's like a little bit of the only time the birds in the UK don't sound beautiful

is when you're outside to say is when you're outside having a cigarette at the end of a session and the birds go tweet tweet and you're like

you treacherous bastards how fucking how fucking dare you remind me of this mistake the morning part how fucking dare you bring this to my attention right

I was in there I had no idea yeah sunlight I can ignore that I can pretend it's just good night but you you bags of shit me Calford

coming up behind you like that imagine if fucking Shitey was on a session Australia right instead of having like tweet tweet

sorry to remind you that you're a dirty little drugger you got the somehow they've got the pans and the wooden spoons in the kitchen

you said it the other day one of the first nights we were in Sydney you were like it sounds like animals are attacking each other and they're just like

oh it's just the fucking chooky looky duck bird whoa can I say

it's a titty no chook is a word that they have chook aye chook chicken oh man I had someone go

it wasn't too many chooks spoil the broth. That's the only reason it was. It was the, it was running around like a chook without his head. It was like the different, different. No, it's headless chicken.

You don't get to, you don't get to translate that into your. Yeah, you don't put your slang on a common idiom. Dirty sea language. Just because they all surf surf jockeys the other one just to call back

to the great things to add on bandit is great so we'd be haggis bandits that's good aye

panini bandits greg's jockeys wrestler wrestler oh so that would be something that they'd be against though so

scotch would be scotland'd be against though so Scotland would be oh yeah Dodger Dodger's better than that vegetable Dodgers aye that's also the Paralympic

Boston baseball team cock Dodger I'm a cock Dodger slay for a straight guy that fucking cock Dodger are they God I hope god I hope that I hope

that is a slur they have for us I fucking love it aye absolute chism dodger

aye he's a cock dodger as he will fucking see get him out of the way of this

I think if someone fucked me up the arse of my head would pop up like a couple of pyro when you put the sword in the barrel

and the heat flies off I reckon that would happen to me you lose I'd just kick off all my clothes like Buckaroo. Like, this isn't what I wanted. No, it's fine.

It's fine. Just reset me. Just reset me when you're done. Put my clothes back on and be a bit more gentlemanly. I'm not against it. Just don't startle me. You're done. I'm going to close back on and be a bit more gentle next week. I'm not against it. Just don't start on me. So you know when we're finished... I'm like,

operation, just don't touch the sides and we're all good. You can do whatever you want back there, but otherwise... Aye. If you vibrate, I vibrate.

It doesn't vibrate does it no it makes a noise and back in the 70s it used to electrocute you yeah

do you remember the game perfection nah I didn't think you did are you a fucking seven year old girl just learning fucking slams from YouTube tutorials it's like what do you got

don't have slams she's got loads of them she just keeps trying to get you with them fucking it was the game where like you press the board down so it's like a plastic housing with some mechanics in it you press the board down and it clicks down and it's a shape sorter so you've got like a crescent moon you've got like a star

you triangle whatever and you've got a shape sort and if you've got to do it within time and then hit stop and when it's all done you hit stop but if you don't get it done in time it pops up and fires them all up in the air do you ever play that one i didn't i made it up oh we're gonna be rich man i would i would i would love to for somebody to just go through all the podcasts and all the times we've come up with a dumb idea i'm going with the first one to this bridge if we would just be able to get all of those and then find an entrepreneur and just be like which one

we should just keep coming back on Dragon's Den but with a different outfit on yeah no no just swapping

a rotation of moustaches only used as eyebrows like imperfection what happened was it me grinding toes I'm not you've pulled the rug too many times.

It's a real game. Right. Yeah, yeah. And you've described it accurately. I've done a very enjoyable bit. That's all. I nearly left the curtains closed, actually. Yeah.

But I didn't want to tell the story. We fucking had that at my granddad Pete's house. Right. Was he the creepy one? No, no. The nice one. We fucking had that at my granddad Pete's house. Right. Was he the creepy one in the car? No, no. The nice one. Well, that didn't like shock his cousins enough.

It's a public episode, buddy. He's dead. He's not going to sue us. No, I don't think that's what I'm paying. He was in bed reading fucking Stephen King's It and he just heard tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick come from the other room

and he's like just fucking see what that is and he goes around and he's in the he's in the fucking the spare bedroom where we stay when we're over and I'd put the fucking game away

under the bed after i'd completed it and the button where you press to say i'm done is on like a rocker and gravity just changed the rocker right so he's reading a book he has ticking doesn't know what it is guys too he has he's just he lives on his own right listen reading a stephen king book and there's ticking going on and then he looks under the bed, pulls up the drape, just as the fucking shapes that have popped out

and fucking scattered all over. So he's dead now. My mum's dad, one time my gran had this horrific nightmare. Like, just, she woke up in sweat and terror. She wakes up and it's fucking dark. And obviously this is back in the 70s,

so there's no bedside lights. 90s, 70s. Aye, no, just candles and whatnot. Seats. Aye. She wakes up. She goes, oh God, oh buddy, I've just had the worst dream for my life it was sky and

he came in through the window and he it's it's strangled leslie first and then he strangled alice and then he he strangled jill and he came in and he and he strangled you and then after i only woke up then and he strangled me it all got and that's and that's just when i woke up and for like And he strangled me. It all got, and that's just, when I woke up, and for like 10 seconds in my ground,

I had just nothing. And then he just went, oh. Strangler. Oh, slept on the couch for two fucking weeks. And I bet you, I bet you,

I put my money on it. She went, how long have you been waiting to do that? How long have you been waiting to do that one, sitting on that? No, I think she, she punished him. Yeah, I reckon. I reckon, like every time he tells the story, I think he belongs to do that one sitting on that no I think she punished him yeah

I reckon I reckon like every time he tells the story I think he belongs to a generation he was like I'm like hitting was definitely involved but it just

wasn't mentioned she was like a fucking piece of shit he was like oh well fair enough I think she smacked him up no well I don't think like

she wouldn't have he was in the place she wasn't getting put under arrest no I'm just saying like I don't think she was, she wouldn't have. He was in the police. She wasn't getting that. Put her in a arrestor. No, I'm just saying, like, I don't think she was getting cooked. Mind you, she was a fucking teacher. She's got a knock. Forensic scientist, aye?

Oh, yeah, I knew he was a forensic scientist. He's got an OBE from the Queen. Has he? Aye. Was there any way to put in front of his name? Was he? OBE? Oh, yeah, it's just at the end of his name, aye.

The Lord OBE. Oh, that doesn't make at the end of his name, like Roger OBE. Oh, that doesn't make you a doctor or anything, does it? Sir? Sir? I don't think it makes him a sir. No, that's a knighthood. Sir Roger? No.

He definitely isn't a sir. And if he is, fucking hell. I've told this story a thousand times because this is the very posh grandad who, when we were underage drinking, we stood at his, he was like, I've got some booze for you.

It's called Monye and it turned out to be Magnus Monye he's just such a posh he was just

like oh Monye the fine Irish sparkling wine I guess that's like

the posh equivalent of saying jalapenos jalapenos jalapenos oh I had a fucking

I was on the phone Natalie fucking uh i was on the phone natalie walking through i was on the phone natalie walking through melbourne and i was i was about to do me um i was about to do me solo show but i'd just opened for you and i'd done some of the same material and i was like i wonder if i should just try and swap some of it out for these specific shows and i'm just going but then again the people who bought tickets already, I want them to see the same show. I don't want them to be compromised because there's people that have seen me already this week.

The people that have seen me already might not care and they might know that they're coming to see me doing a show so they expect it to be the same bit. So they might be friends. Also, people can hear the same fucking jokes over and over again. Yeah, but we're basically just having this conversation that's been had a million times between comics. And I just went,

and I was talking about the Walls of jericho routine and i walked around the corner as i said i just don't think there'll be as much of a shock laugh the second time she loses her baby as i walk into a group of people who didn't hear the context of the conversation and they just all started walking faster oh god i'm gonna be be in a Russell Howard bit have I caught up with you properly about what happened to me after your gig

no how it opened for you so you'll know all about it because you would have been in the dressing room when it was all happening afterwards

how it opened for you at the arena right at the convention centre and then got great gig by the way which we loved so grateful to everyone

who came absolutely class like genuinely true but ow my diamond shoes but here's the thing you would complain

if you bought diamond shoes and they were too tight yeah those are custom made this has become a catchphrase it's a catchphrase I fucking got so Harry who's Styles Those are custom made. This has become a catchphrase. It's a catchphrase.

I fucking got, so Harry, who's, Styles. Stylish Harry. Stylish Harry. Who was like show managing with Century. He saw me out the back door,

right, which was a trade entrance where like fucking deliveries get dropped off and shit like that, right? And I relinquished my card, which the card gets you through all the fucking doors backstage and i walked off and i patted myself down and i didn't have my phone because i'd put all my stuff oh cara's gonna love this

because she fucking loves it when i lose my phone cara's not gonna listen to this so you'll be fine and you're gonna marry her so i turned around to just go back and get my phone and we realized there was no way to come back and get my phone so i've got 45 minutes to get to my solo show not 45 minutes to get there 45 minutes before the social starts audiences in i have to call my name backstage i've got 45 minutes and i come out the convention center i haven't got my phone turn around the fire door closes behind Harry and I'm behind this

like great door that you can only open with a fucking key card no intercom on it no staff right and I'm underneath the motorway

on the pass so I can't even look around to see which way I'm facing so like I fucking I just start walking I'm like there's

two directions to go in I'll walk in one of them so let me guess immediately wrong yes yes yes two directions to go in and I'll walk in one of them. So, let me guess, immediately wrong? Yes. Yes. Yes.

But not only immediately wrong, I committed to it. Of course you did. Just walking up a dual carriageway with the cars coming the other way being like, I've got to fucking,

I've got to believe that these signs pointing to Adelaide are the correct... I, er, because I didn't go up the slip road and onto the motorway. But, I've got to believe that these signs pointing to Adelaide are correct. Because I didn't go up the slip road and onto the motorway, because that would have been a third option. I went where the public foot, just the B roads were.

And I walked down a B road, saw two buildings, and I was like, oh, great, tall buildings, the CBD. I am going in the right direction, because, you know, Melbourne, it's only got two buildings. Off I go towards the two tall buildings, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Look over my shoulder, millions of tall buildings.

What? What? Who put them there? Go back. The fucking, the city centre seemed miles away. Right. And I knew, like,

I was at the other side of the river and everything. So I start walking. But then the only road that I could be on just started arcing away from the buildings. And I was like, well, if I can't get on that way, I can't get on this way, I'm not going to climb over these fences and through these industrial buildings. I just didn't want to.

And also, you've got no guarantee, especially that the gardens you walk through would be the right direction that's and I haven't got my phone so I can't call an Uber and I can't put my maps on

yeah and I'm just fucking wondering and you've got no sense of direction and there's no taxis coming by because I'm just fucking sped up the train entrance of some fucking place

like if I could get one yeah there's no even way of walking because I just thought, if I walk round the convention centre, I'll get to the front of the convention centre then I'll find the river from there. There wasn't an even good way to walk around it. It was fucked. Maybe if you listened

to your wife's boarding star sign stories more, you would have been able to recognise star signs in the sky. No, they're upside down. I would have still got it wrong. In Australia. Fucking Orion's lying down here. He spotted that. Is he?

You know, Orion's normally stood there like dead proud and all that with his sword belt on. He's fast asleep over here. Sideways. Because there are lazy people. Aye. There are lazy, lazy people

to their core. Yeah. Night owl jockeys. Took us far too long to find the word Night Owl I nearly called them Carpool Jockeys And then realised that was The absolute wrong medicine

Work Dodger So in a way that sounds like A Rupert Murdoch slur Work Dodger Aye Aye yeah that does That does just sound like a Titan boot my people

Yeah Wow I mean Open an act um eventually uh asked a guy in a high-vis jacket that i saw um how do i get the town hall and he was like oh right walk down there turn there there's a tram stop just get on it it's free man i waited for so long for that tram and then when i got on it moved so slow and i was just like i can't even contact anybody it's like it's getting towards time in fact like it's right on time for us to be sure do you even have a watch on do you know what time it is hi

on time for us to be sure. Do you even have a watch on? Do you know what time it is? Aye. Aye, I'm looking at my watch. I've got my watch. And I'm just trying to like, woosah,

there's nothing you can do. There's fuck all you can do. Right? There's not, like, I can't tell anybody. You can get off and race the tram. Oh,

once I knew where it was going, I kind of did. Because like, once I realised like, oh, I recognise this this is Collins Street Swansea Street

is a couple of blocks away I'm going to be able to fucking get down and like just fucking jaywalk across the road instead of waiting at the I did

I broke the rules I'm on the run now Australia I'm laying low oh my god I'm going to lay low for a little while did you not even try and press the no no I've bought a new band the band that doesn't work going to lay low for a little while. Did you not even try

and press the button that doesn't work and when it does work it takes five minutes? Did you not even think about that? No, no, no. I just dashed over.

There wasn't any cars coming in and there was loads of people waiting and I was just like, sorry guys, you're on your own. You're on your own, not me. I'm with everyone.

You're going to go to jail for using initiative. Now, the day where people are crossed the road illegally in jail. Lots of people over here, number one. Number one reason. They all say it's meth, but it's not. It's because they're all using their intuition. Intuition. What did I say? You meant initiative. Okay, maybe I did.

So it was just fucking stressful. I get there, right, and they're fucking, they were like, oh, everyone's been trying to ring you, essentially, like all the staff, like the venue staff, Marley and I's been trying to get a hold of us, it fucking works. And I was like, right, well, I'm Janu, like open the door. And I've only done the show twice since The Fringe. And I went to get my phone in my bag so I could look at my notes.

since the fringe and I went to get my phone and my bag so I could look at my notes we were just moving back oh fuck aye there's a reason I'm in this pickle ironically so how early

before your gig did you manage to get there I turned up on time like 45 9.45 dead on but they would normally have had the doors open

and people in by then oh so they did that I but they would normally have had the doors open and people in by then. Oh, so they did that. I was hoping they would just open the doors and let them in, because there's no harm in it. Aye.

But they were like, let's make sure he's here first before I do that. But aye, they just let them in and it was pretty quick. That was fine. The gig was fine.

But holy shit, they're fucking, you know, they're just, the Lord's Prayer that I used to always think I was quoting Vonnegut. No, Kurt Vonnegut?

No. Well, Bluebeard. Well, from the book Bluebeard, there was the quote, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom always to differentiate between the two. And I've always said that in like moments of stress thinking that I was like

being cultured and quote quote in literature but it is basically the Lord's Prayer that they use in AA meetings

for Alcoholics Anonymous so that like anybody who I've said that do thinking that I'm being full of wisdom knows I'm an alcoholic

even though they're wrong they know for a fact thinking that I'm being full of wisdom knows I'm an alcoholic. Even though they're wrong. They know for a fact I'm an alcoholic and I'm trying to seek help. It's just like you while drunk trying to send out your subconscious sending out a quote of please help me, please slam on the brakes.

I was about to quote an episode of Rick and Morty and then I was like I just don't think we can become that straight whammy of a podcast I already do South Park far too much Tell us the Rick and Morty bit Well I like Rick and Morty No we can't man there are three straight women People who listen to this like Rick and Morty

That's fine and then they'll understand the reference already they'll be able to bridge the gap themselves But I don't need to tease me Well I'll tell you afterwards I'm just not you're not stooping that low no I'll not

I'll not shoot this podcast with a gun of our own making we are above 800 patreons and we've not dropped below that which is unheard of and we're the first podcast in the UK

to ever do that changing the game changing the game man nobody does it like ever do that. I know. Changing the game. Changing the game, man. Nobody does it like we do. Nobody. Fire emoji, fire emoji, fire emoji. Aye. What next for us?

Sky's the limit. There'll be a gig in Sky. I'm so sorry. We're backing it down to 799 patrons. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be justice and also funny. So if you've got to do it, you've got to do it. See you next month, lads.

Yeah, you haven't lost that many patrons since you slagged off Johnny Depp. I know, God, yeah. What a weird way to learn. Just don't ever listen to a secondary opinion on anything. Of all the things that we've said. Yeah. Well, you know what?

I'd rather it was that than everything else. And also, they left in the best possible way. You're allowed to be like, fuck you, I'm leaving. I don't think it's classy, but I've never been classy. No. Like, it's if you stay and ruin the show, then you're a piece of shit. You're allowed to be like, I fucking hate this podcast now

because I disagree with you. You're not allowed to be like, I fucking hate this podcast, and then I'm going to actively go out and destroy it because I remember all the things Daniel said.

All the things. All the things. And you go back to it and you realise we actually have deleted a bunch. Not because we were scared, but because we were smart.

Because my guests begged. My guests are cowards. They're like, fine, I'll go out at the depths of Podbean and fucking ditch her out the sword. I guess I can't once I think fine I'll go out at the depths of Podbean and fucking ditch her

out the sword you don't want to be associated with us anymore oh good because it felt like fucking I feel by that

what what same ditto yeah ditto. Yeah, ditto, man. Thanks, man, because I was thinking fucking drag on. What did you just say? Nothing.

No. Do you think I wasn't able to hear that because you... I turned my head. Aye. Well, that's how the mic normally works when you're on the podcast. Since my day, you picked up on that. Aye. I just don't have any directional hearing

aye you can't hear around corners can't they can't be down aye aye well it depends what's around the other corners are there walls I can bounce off

because it's open sea probably not well when's there corners in open sea outside a house what at the open sea you know

you can live on a coastline oh like that host that G-Tip bought just offshore yes yes what a callback

to 2016 to a guest to a guest that's not on the podcast for those who don't know G-Tip is our nickname for Gareth

because it stands for guest tip because he was the first guest we fucked and paid. For just the tip. That was a joke. Allium! It was already, it was through the, it was in. Like it was actually a three-pointer

and you, by touching it, reduced it to a two-pointer. It was like one of them goals that when it's already going in but then someone comes and taps it in and it's offside because they were offside

oh man I did that I did that at high school that was my speciality and let me tell you what not picked heaps nah no in my defence

it was always funny not at the time but it's objectively funny did you ever used to do the thing where you're through on goal and you'd stop the ball it's objectively again I you ever used to do the thing where you're through on goal and you'd stop the ball it's objectively again

I did I I didn't even pick up on that one I think that might have been your first one of the podcast though today I fucking doubt it

I didn't hear any but then again I didn't hear that one did you ever do the thing where you're through on goal and like you beat the keeper and you stop the ball on the touchline

and then you get on your knees and head it in? I would only ever cock it in. Aye? Aye. With range. 20 yarder. Any time I go.

On the volley. On the volley, just bam! So, we've broke the back of the tour now, this part of the tour. That's a term. I don't understand it. It means you passed halfway. Oh.

You've broke the back of the thing. Okay. Yeah, well, I like breaking the back nine, the golf thing, as opposed to breaking somebody's back. Oh! Maybe. Maybe? I always just thought it was like, halfway. Snap. I don't need this anymore.

Who needs a coccyx? Who needs a lower lumbar? I know me backbones. Then why don't you have one? What? What? I know me backbones Then why don't you have one Huh? What? Huh? Hmm?

Hmm? It's funny that you'll be the coward now Invader brain How were your Melbourne shows? Class Really good Lots of people that sing along Your girlfriend picked your dog Which is always heartwarming

You know It does give me confidence For the Melbourne podcast as well Well I'd have to get numbers Lots of people that sing along to Your Girlfriend Picked Your Dog, which is always heartwarming, you know. It does give me confidence for the Melbourne podcast as well. Well, they'll have to get numbers. They're good. But it didn't sell out, though. We're pretty full. But, like, there was room for people to come on the door. That's brutal after playing 5,000.

It's a bad conversion. Yeah. Well, I mean, obviously,000. Aye. It's a bad conversion. Yeah. Well, it wasn't... Well, I mean, obviously you've done two shows before. Was it your first show? It was after the MC. I know. So the first couple of shows had about 30, 40

and just without any promotion. And then the rest of them had like... What venue were you at again? Listen to me, good friend. What a good friend. What venue? Huh? What venue?

I was at the Tough in Town and that's where we're doing the podcast. So this is public, well isn't it? The ticket sales are available now. Like you can buy, if you're watching this, you can buy tickets for the podcast.

If you're out of Melbourne, please do come because the podcasts are only ever good when it's yous come there and not just the people who will see my name or Kai's and just come in. I don't know. when it's yous come there, and not just the people who will see my name, or Kai's, and just come in.

I reckon if it was people who just saw my name, the audience would be class. Yeah, true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it was people who just saw your name. I don't know if this is a slam on me. Because if it was people who just saw your name, then I'd water them down.

I think my fans are pretentious. No, they're not, right? No, they are. You can be an alright pretentious person, but I think it's because my comedy sounds intelligent to them. They've got it being like, well, if I find it smart, then it must be smart.

This may be biased, but I think I get the best of your fans. I think you've got your fan base, right? And I, loads of them are pretentious. But I get the sound ones. The sound ones follow me up. And I trim your fans. I boil down your fans to the good ones.

I don't know, you fucking trim them down heaps. I have to get rid of some chaff like, chaff? Chum. I have to get rid of some chums. I lost some chums that day. Parth shows...

No one ever calls it chum zoned. This last chum zoned That's chum zoned Get all the chum Chum for friend No wonder Bud zoned I can't Absolutely equating zoned

That's what it is Bro zoned Bro zoned Brozoned yeah It's just when Yeah yeah Just a guy That you want to go Like football games with

Or Barcades with That's my two reference points Or play D&D with Alright there's my other Reference point It was It was a tiny

I was talking to Beams the other day He couldn't tell us what happened But by the time the Perriers went into Hive he lost you and he thought you'd pulled and when he got back to the hoose he brought a lad back oh yeah

I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure was it not you it must have been Ali I think I was I think it rung a fucking massive bell because I think he didn't leave Beams on his own I think it not you it must have been Ali I think I was I think it rang a fucking massive bell

because I think he didn't leave Biebs on his own I think it was me Biebs, Ali there was a few obviously Biebs didn't live with you

but I come back with Biebs and you were just playing FIFA I was just some dude I think it was literally it was that

he just got chatted with a bloke man I've got drinks and hope I think it was a music line I can't get no

do you know what I think it was I think I think it had an old man. Do you know what I think it was? I think it had a fucking argument of some sort with what he is about something. And obviously being the mature man I am, stormed off, was like, I'll go home. And then like in a fucking taxi ride that took ages, some guy was like, do you want to just sit in the taxi? I'm like, well, I mean, I'll go this way.

Might as well just, let's go back for drinks. And then literally I went back, bitched and moaned and just played FIFA. I don't think I even bitched and moaned. I as well just, let's go back for drinks. And then literally I went back, bitched and moaned and just played FIFA. I don't think I even bitched and moaned. I think I just played. I was like, this is, I don't want to do this with my friends because they've upset me, but I still need the release of it.

I'm not telling you my name, but you can come to where I live. It's so funny. Single. Remember when Elliot Steele, when he lived with you, brought a homeless girl back with him. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she came back with him because he met her outside of an egg clove. Didn't realize that she was asking for change.

Got a chat with her. Got her back. She drank you out of the house and home and left she just drank out of their booth and then fucked off she was like I'd rather be on the streets than with you Elliot yeah substituted her name there, I know we didn't edit that

but that was yes I do remember that and also fucking fair play to her because she put away a bunch aye aye and also any time even though I disliked it whenever it happened to me

there is always something funny to me about a girl making you maybe it's funny as well if I take all jitters out of it but a girl making you think, maybe it's funny as well, if I take all jitters out of it, but a girl making you think that she's going to fuck you, and then just not,

and then just fucking off, like it's cruel. Oh, you would? You would think that? The fucking greatest prank you ever played? No. You got us blue-balled? No, look,

I've also had girls do it to me, where I'm like, but it's not a fucking turn on. Tell you what, tell you what. It's not a turn on for me, like to fucking blue- bomb me and then fuck off but there's a time when I'm annoyed

there's a time when I'm frustrated then I'm annoyed and then I'm definitely better and then three years pass and I'm like You still fancy the pants off her? It's funny man You want that got away? I think it's a it's a dick move

it's a dick move and it's a dick move. And it's somebody who will regularly take the do not disturb signs off of hotel rooms that are not my own and flip them around. So it says, please make up my room. Anything that's slightly dicky, I'm not against it. Did you know about when he did that? There was, he got one of his, the girl he was seeing at the time. He wasn't going out with her, but he was like you know friend's owner now you got you got it uh you got a friend to uh go as far as you could without this and then call a taxi he tied her in the bed he just left us there under pants with a heart on and he's living

room and she did i took it aside i was like hey this is just a suggestion but like four months ago he wronged me and i said i'd get a badge i frapped him i updated i updated his facebook status saying normally i don't let the fringe get to me but i'm feeling really weepy and he started getting messages off matthew matthew i woke up to seven missed calls from mum right and i was just like was just like alright you took it too far you fucking piece of shit and I said to him noted and then four fucking five months later I said to this girl fucking god bless her if she ever sees this

fucking what a sound fucking lad I'm like he wronged me a while ago if you just wind him up as much as you want and then just fuck off. She's doing my thong, Danny. And she made you call a taxi.

And I was like, I can easily fuck in the time it takes a taxi to arrive. That's my MO. Yeah, but the second he called the taxi, she takes her top off. She gets down to her underwear. So she's, he's obviously like. She was telling us she loved it when lads touch her back.

I was like, what do you mean, lads? So I was like, gently caressing her back. Like, on request, on command. We were just rubbing up the gays. Ring, ring. I was like, oh, is that your taxi eye? Shall I tell them that you're not coming? How are you dressed already?

How the fuck did you do... Can I get the doll for you? Why is there a doll like a fucking loony toon skirt on? Oh, man, it was so funny because I remember me and the girl that I was seeing at the time, because obviously she knew the plan. She found it very funny. We were just peeking out the door because we didn't tell him straight away. It was just me and her looking at it.

He just came downstairs and just in his boxers with his erection just like just like a a meme he literally in the middle

just goes what the fuck man I don't know I don't have anything right like oh okay I touched her back

she's like touch me back she was just trying to keep me hands elsewhere I don't have anything right. Like, okay. I touched her back. She's like, touch me back. She was just trying to keep her hands elsewhere. Did you whack on my couch that night? I can't remember. You must have. I probably think, because I was at the coach run of that night.

Yeah, it was when you lived with us you definitely did I didn't think in any even though like if I'd known right what you had done 100%

would have done it with no remorse but I never let me come land on anything yeah aye you don't ever

nah I try not to but I never make a mess never nah I thought military admin Aye. You don't? Ever? Nah. I try not to. I never make a mess. Never? Nah. I've got military admin. Administration.

Straighten up a fucking little test tube. Put a lid on it. Put it in my collection. Fucking dusty bottles. Dusty bottles. Do it in the basement turning to vinegar I mean don't get me wrong like I get you

like I'm a I don't like the like it's very ungraceful to like come on yourself and then wash yourself up like you're some sort of

common whore like I'm sorry I'm not doing that to myself like I don't even know I've done it

I'm not a buffet but like there's a real level of shit where you just go you just cum on yourself you're like well I guess I'll just deal with that now it's like a bad it but like there's a real level of shit where you just go you just come on yourself you're like well I guess I'll just deal with that now

it's like a bad gig the next one's always round the corner you think you've had your last one but you've been fooled the time will come when you get hoodwinked

it's just when when laziness overtakes self-respect like it's a sad moment and you're I believe it's nine times out of ten it's a sad moment when your I believe it's nine times out of ten

it's a sad moment when you come on yourself you could be like in a flat chair with a common grown bathroom and your fucking mates are still up in your bedroom

like well I have to go through that get some toilet roll or just quietly just fucking I'm not saying there's no place for it I'm just saying

it's not nobody's ever come out of that feeling good right like it's not nobody's ever come out of that feeling good right like it's nah it's a gross

and I'm not even that hairy it's easy it's an easy clean it's an easy fucking clean you don't have to go down and get

those carpet rug washers that you can fucking rent at the end of Saints Breeze it's taking your time Jesus

are you alright what was that like you dropped superglue on yourself Sticking your timber Jesus Are you alright? What was that? Like you dropped super glue on yourself What must have happened? You know what I was Obviously super glue Why else would you need a rug cleaner

And a bear That's all I'm saying No You know he's maybe He was excited to glue his warhammers together But too excited Good The second most common reason Your hair you know he's maybe he was excited to glue his Warhammer together but too excited good the second most common reason

your hair or your belly gets sticky after a shameful hungover wink is midnight cocaine Warhammer yeah

I think I think we can we can say goodnight to these people yeah I don't think I'm done with the coming on yourself today I want everyone out there to know to come on yourself regularly.

Right girls, do you squirt on yourselves? And riddle me this. If a slut squirted in the woods. Would the Pope still shit there? Come to our podcast show. What date? 23rd of April. It's a Sunday.

The Lord's Day. So make a choice. 423. Make a choice. What? Like 423. Oh, the 23rd of, okay. Right.

I thought it was a wee joke It was a Like It was a May the 7th be with you joke End the fucking podcast See you at the live one