Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.29: Knockers for Conkers

Episode Date: April 26, 2023

Muggins and Cream go from book club chat to talking about their not so sexual escapades at the age of 14 and showed some gratitude for the girls that even so much as looked at them.

Hello regular scum. Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road. We are still in Sydney. This might be the last one we do together for a while. Are you getting this late actually? Because we've recorded this. This is coming out on Monday. Oh is it?

Uh huh. Oh okay. And then we're doing the live podcast for Thursday. Oh understood. Don't look. We're doing the live podcast on Monday. You should come to that. Where is it?

It's on Sunday. It's on Sunday. Alright. Do you want to do this intro again? No. I think it's perfect. We've got a podcast on Monday, you should come to that. Where is it? It's on Sunday. It's on Sunday, alright. Do you want to do this intro again? No, I think it's perfect. We've got a podcast on Sunday. Yous are all coming. In this podcast, the one you're currently about to

consume, we speak about lots of sex stuff. You can tell we've been away from our loved ones for a bit. I should have just said partners. I should have just said partners. Should have just said partners to be honest with you. I don't think it matters that he's away from his dog when I'm away from my son. That's not, that's not why we're getting horny. It's not what this

is. I mean it's alright. I genuinely don't know why we do these but here they are. Enjoy the episode. Sloss and Humphries on the road. Am I nice and clean? I'm not. in the park kiss kiss kiss or might just be cynical just muggled it up on fucking mugglopedia where have you been since 9-11 am I nice and clean I'm not I'm scruffy are you

aye I'm still I've not showered today I did put em I put shoes on I like to do trainers thanks man

put the shoes on just in case there's any feet freaks feet freaks have you not got shoes on nah nah you can's any feet freaks out there. Feet freaks. If you don't got shoes on, you should do it. You can't be giving that shout out for free, man. Elliot Steele.

This has been like, not selling it. Well done you for the first time in this podcast's fucking history for having any measure of restraint for your friend's privacy. Matthew, Elliot Steele. You made a wish list? Yeah. Oh yeah, because

somebody was, I don't know, yeah, you can make wish lists on Amazon and that's what people like some sex workers do is people who work on OnlyFans

and just, you know, people to be like, you know what, I'm home, people will buy shit for me, fuck yeah, that's the life.

I didn't rock with him. Aye. Aye, one of our friends has been giving pictures of his feet. Yeah. A dude's to wank over for... You don't know it's to wank over. I look at his wish list. I mean, if it's not, it's a massive waste of money.

Like, what are you? I'm trying not to, I'm trying to be less judgmental. You also keep your feet away. Your feet tucked in, are you? Yeah, I'm not giving be less judgmental. You also keep your feet away. Your feet tucked in, are you? Yeah, I'm not giving them away for free. Are you just like hiding your boobs when someone walks in? That is actually selfish of me because I do always say, you know, the, you know. It's really sound.

It's really sound when women don't wear bras in the same way. I imagine it's dead sound to gay men and straight women when white linen shoes that's with a thong on soundy that proper soundy I imagine the other equivalent

is like a big cock in sweatpants and also a snow having them eating two veg on the go

aye good buns I've been doing that for my mum and dad in my pyjamas this week my cock and balls are rattling around

in my pyjamas like rattling's a balls are rattling around in my pyjamas. I mean, rattling's a big word. Rattle around. Rattling's a big word. Fucking fizzing about the place. Booting off the wiles.

Fizzing like a fucking getting everyone's attention. Psst, psst, down here. Down here, keep seeing him. I look and glance and you're there.

So funny, we're playing. What would my dad do with it? We're playing a game of um what's it called doomsday we're doomed we're doomed and the thing was to get onto the ship right but like there's only certain amount of space on the ship so you've got to gain influence to be the first one on or you've got to like fuck someone over make it less seats so you move up the pecking order and then me and your mom like like totally engineered because we're

just like well the species needs to reproduce so there needs to be me on the ship with you leslie because you can't reproduce with your sons but like we're totally disregarded that your dad was there we're like oh there was another option there was totally another option you could have reproduced with the man who you've already reproduced with it's like that fucking hunting thing man

just outrageously flirting with your mum in front of your dad we've got on the ship together

aye it's just safe because you know I'll never flirt with your mum flirt with your dad though

if I could talk him into bed aye do you reckon you could do you reckon you could woo my dad do you reckon you could make Do you reckon you could woo my dad?

Do you reckon you could make him try new things? Fuck, do you, right, so obviously your mum's dead, your mum's dead in this scenario there's no other way. They straightened at the funeral? No but I do, that's what, that is when I start spending more time with him that's when I'm just like I'll start, I was just in the area he was like he was just in the area I was like okay and then when I'm not there we play Call of Duty together a lot I get to open up about his feelings and every time like you get to kill

you put your hand on his lap so it reinforces it positively you just remember that feeling of elation from getting a kill if you were touching him so you're just like that's what I'm not

I'm not like a fucking what's the NLP yeah NLP and my dad fucking yeah absolutely stroking my dad

you're fucking stroking the shit out and my dad yeah absolutely stroking my dad fucking stroking the shit out of my dad you're gaming him nah I'd do it I'd do it honourably and you know what he probably hasn't been

flirted with in a long time you know he's been married for a while he lives he works in an all male workforce he's just been there I think two weeks

after me just moving in and I was just having a wee Latin party all the time while he's still craving he's like I do wonder why he only a wee Latin party all the time while he's still craving he's like I do wonder

why he only lets me watch that one episode of Last of Us like that's because it's good I like the show but I do feel like I need to watch

the episodes around it just for some context or whatever but what's it night time would you start listening to the same

music as him in that what should I listen to like Frog Rock Yes Rush Camel I only know him in that what do you listen to like prog rock yes rush camel I only know

of rush through like jokes about rush and also ready player one if you've read

ready player one like a lot of like he was clearly a massive rush fan

I get that closer yeah I would how much what would you do with Cara would she be in on closer yeah I would how much what would you do with Cara would she be in on it yeah I think she'd find it funny

I'm trying to I'm trying to fuck guys dad just because I'm bored of flirting with my mum Cara and you and him flirt all the time I can't fucking start I kind of flirt with Natalie yeah no that's it would be so clunky if you and him flirt all the time I can't fucking stand I kind of flirt with Natalie yeah no that's it would be so clunky

if you and Natalie were flirting it would be so fucking clunky what do you mean I don't know how like they're both charming people they've both got game

you know like aye I just don't know why he's like too fucking like no offense of a magnet I love your wife

I don't know if you're just pure sister zone there yeah and vice versa like it's not it's not a one way street we are we love each other we care for each other like man I could spend a week with Natalie and have you not be there you felt that bum when you kissed for the camera

and I think he must have vomited for hours afterwards. It's all, it is, it's a real genuine like sisterly It's not like revulsion as in she disgusts me but just the thought of it like being

romantic with her. Would you look away if you saw my wife naked? Yeah, absolutely yeah man, yeah or I think she'd romantic with her would you look away if you saw my wife naked yeah absolutely yeah man yeah or or I think she'd be okay with it because like

she'd be like oh this is doing nothing for him it's like having like fucking one of my pals there yeah like I don't know

I don't think I'd care if Natalie saw me naked because man that would just be like her looking at a fridge

she'd be like they make them in them sizes what aye I could get your mum for being real I could get your mum you could pull my mum

aye again dead dad situation but and just like make her feel young again aye I'm not like Again, dead dad situation. But... And just, like, make a fulun again. Mm. Aye. I'm not, like... No?

Maybe you could. I don't know. I don't think... I think you'd enjoy the patter. Pretend to enjoy yours. And practice on the more potent strain of the disease how's your shit book? I'm getting a bit new

you know what there was a little glimpse of me foot there it was problematic for a little bit because right keep saying the R word I've got to be careful with this because it's problematic for a bit and then I was about to announce that it's a be careful with this because like it's problematic for a bit

and then i was about to announce that it's a gay couple that's not what's problematic well that's what you said no no they've been together for five years and married sorry been together for five years then got married and they've been married for five years total and 10 years in total right and then um it said that he called the he come pre-loaded with a nine-year-old and then there was a modern like a current timeline part of the book where his mum was baking cakes with a boy right but that would be 10 years on from when he was nine but it was like oh i baked the cakes and grandma did the icing and like she helped him wash his hands all right that's a 19 year old dad. So I'm just waiting to find out if he's got needs.

Like he's been hit in a car accident. Was he fine when he came preloaded? It didn't like, it didn't really make it all clear. So I'm just like, is there something up here?

And then it turned out the boy's 15, which that also doesn't add up. Gays age differently though. But he's a straight boy. What do you think? How's that possible? Two kid guys made him? Well, they didn't make them what I actually I'm just discovering

where he came from actually I think it was from his sister who died it's like revealing bit by bit but I just think they got the maths on the edge fucked up and I'm there gone is it me and I flick back and I was like preloaded with a nine-year-old five years together than five years married 15 years old and I'm like this doesn't add up and you said to me like it's got to be you and it's 100% edit I wouldn't let that slide and then I got of a point when I had it when I in the space was missing when he when when capital I all one word edit I missed that mmm so they do yeah but I feel like that's an edit I'm missing typos is different from

clearing plot holes I might have got it wrong but I checked and double checked and you know what, story's good is it? the story's good they've got a situation at the minute where I got it wrong actually because he's 15 current time, but it flashes back a year.

It's all confusing. So he's 14 at this one-year flashback, right? And he's fucking a sixth former who's 18. The girl that he's fucking, so them as the two dads are like, she could get in a lot of trouble for this. And they're all like, if it was the other way around if that was your fucking daughter

going with an 18 year old lad you'd be fucking ratting him out straight away so he's getting abused but like he doesn't seem too abused by it so like

they're going into the fucking quandary of that like it's a by law it's abuse but where do you stand on that if you were a 14 year old lad

and an 18 year old lad wanted to rattle you, I wouldn't feel abused like when I was 14. But if it was me child, I'd be like, stop that immediately, what the fuck. Well, I think... And if it was the other way around, I'd get the police involved. So there is like...

It's a good fucking philosophical quandary. No, I think it's like... How would you parent her if if Carolyn at 14 was getting rattled by an 80 year old lass oh yeah

that's that wouldn't be alright with her like regardless if I was like but I'm so cool I'd be like buddy that's not this is

this is a very important development part of your life it's fucked up and also if she's man she's 18 that means

like in woman years wisdom wise she's 25 that's 18 that means like in woman years wisdom wise she's 25 that's he's a 40 year old boy that means he's 6 you sick fuck just mentally

and it's it's like the character he is he's like a really fucking advanced 14 year old as well

like he's really well read and he like he's really into cooking and not like oh he has to do the chores it's his turn to cook like he's really well read and he like he's really into cooking and not like oh he has to do the chores it's his turn to cook like he's really fucking into cooking

and he's just like and he's a lovely lad and he's just like wait on I'm just having a fucking good time fucking this lass and he's like

he's quite thinking about it and I'm like it's so fucking morally wrong but he doesn't seem abused by it but it is a work of fiction maybe he's like it fucks you up when you grow up

like the 18 year olds weren't fucking me when I was 14 nah so you don't know what damage that's going to do and you weren't even getting any offers

huh not even a stifter when was the first time I went with someone older than us fuck once what had you done sexually

at the age of 14 neck and arm molasses snogging I don't think it's gone much further you done sexually at the age of 14? Naked on glasses. Snogging. Aye, I don't think it's gone much further than that. Like feeling boobs on school trips like on top of the clothes. Aye. Aye. Like the girls that were first getting boobs, I'd give them a shot.

Just offering them out. I'd give them a blast. Aye. Aye. I'd be clicking conkers. I'd be conkers if I could feel their tits. just offering the merch is there give them a blast all right okay just like wriggling i've been collecting concord i'll give you a little concord if i can feel your tits lost a lot of concord that's all summer autumn autumn sport i'd saved them for nine months i i think i must i must have kissed a girl at 14 If I was 14 right If I remember who I was at 14 right

If an 18 year old from 6th form When I was 14 because you would fucking You'd look at them lasses But in my head I don't think there was any 18 year olds If any of them led me by the hand back to the house After school right And then

But let's remember when you look like at the age of fucking 14 Like what she's doing is a crime by the hand back to the house after school right and fuck this and then but let's remember when you look like at the age of fucking 14 like what she's doing is a crime like it's but not on me

it's a fucking gift to me there's something sinister afoot like if she's going back to it's how can you not understand

mate I remember when I was 14 I was going into the fucking shop nervous as shit to buy fucking FHMs and loaded and all that and using them as porn mag, I was going into the fucking shop nervous as shit to buy fucking FHMs and loaded and all that

and using them as porn mags. Pamela Anderson in the fucking loaded magazine, that shoot, the fucking one with Christina Aguilera in the swimming pool. Holy fuck, man. If a lassie

in that fucking year of my life, like a woman, took his yam and rattled us and then me dad fucking rang the police I'd fucking ring the police for them for cock blocking it's different

the other way around it's different the other way around I lock lock her up but like in a bit let us have a couple more runs

like she's a beast she needs stopping but like just let it run a bit just let more damage happen. Leave me on fire. The scars will look cool. Nobody did that to me when I was younger.

No. Aye. I was, when I lost my virginity, it was two 16 year olds. You lost your virginity to two 16 year olds? I was 21 I mean

a 16 year old I couldn't believe I couldn't believe a pussy wasn't on the front oh man yeah right I was like what the fuck how are we doing there how am I going to get in I couldn't believe a pussy wasn't on the front. Oh, man, yeah, right? I was like, what the fuck? Tell me what you're doing there. How am I going to get in?

I thought we'd just plunk together. Just plunking forwards. First time I figured it out, we were drunk at a house party. Rubbing a hill for 15 minutes? I remember going down. Because, man, their belts are like up here and you're like belly button

you're like okay here we go right that's surely this is where something starts like okay

but for what the fuck where what it's practically on the back like it's you know

it's underneath like a mechanic feels like if they pee standing up it would go that way no way it trickles down their legs

no fucking way definitely Jetsons out the back that's what I sit down that's why they sit down otherwise stand up to piss if they come up front

right we need to get that fixed immediately dragon's dead just move pussies like run to bed just blow the belly button aye

give them a big gooch what between the belly button and the give them a gooch between where is the ideal point for the vagina for you I mean where it is really I hadn't thought it through

but at the time I was confused oh okay so it's now you understand because like a cock does go upwards it does make sense but like I hadn't thought it through, but at the time I was confused. Okay, so now you understand. Because a cock does go on upwards. It does make sense.

But I hadn't... You know what? I didn't have internet porn when I was that age. Did you not get sex education? Aye, but I was just trying to make jokes. You weren't paying attention to... Not really, no. The teachers didn't get you in any positions.

I was giggling. Aye. Aye. Aye, the PE teacher just used me as examples and all that. attention to not really the teacher didn't get in any positions I was giggling aye aye aye the PE teacher just used me as just like examples and all that I had this like

fucking hitch on his legs and I'm just like it's perfect look at this giving cock blockers giving cock blockers

when I'm having a great time let it ride out a little bit yeah I kind of mind like I've fucking learned a lot

about sex in the cold face. I learned doing the mind, mate. With the fucking head torch on. Aye. I wonder, I'm trying to think if there's anything else that fucking freaked me out the first time. I had some really rough blowjobs. My first couple of blowjobs

were naughty and when do you think you were going to get it there's some real toothy with me early blowjobs were really toothy like I managed to just wrap my lips around them

there was a last I was getting I was at this fucking social occasion mm at the Golden Eagle and eh me and this lass

had been neck and on and she we went we went to the back of you know when like estates have got like these just fucking random like brick houses

that have got like I remember something with the gas or the electrics it's like the fucking mains for the estate mm and they're just like

locked up and they've got like signs on it was like that far from the allotment wall and it was like we're just to go as a place of privacy where i went in and she started like giving us a blow job there and i'm just sat down and it's gravel around the thing right and she took took me out of my move and went to readjust i felt like i comfortable but i had a hand on my cock and just grated it against the gravel it had and i just remember that

it even went ahead with a blowjob and it was just fucking so all the way from the fucking bit man when i when i got home like in the cool later day when i sobered up and i fucking had a couple of little chunks grazed due to me bellend. Did you go back and find them? What? Did you go back to find them? I stuck them in my shoe. They were on my shoe.

I grazed my bellend. That was naughty, that. One of my first ever blowjobs and fucking grated me cock off the gravel. Yeah. No, they're not. But then again, man, all sex up until you're in your 20s is shite because you're fucking other teenagers

like of course you're all bad at it and also god bless them lasses which ones the ones that give us my first experiences aye

like someone with completely no experience and they're just like however let's figure it out alright let's figure that out

alright let's experiment on each other most of my skin's in the game let's be honest I've got too much skin in the game well you've got too much skin in me which means I've got the most skin in this do you think you could can you remember the first time you

went with a hot lass yeah Mariana all before then all munters can you remember the first time you like went with a hot lass uh yeah marianna all before then all munters hundreds of munters no um what do you mean like the first time i looked because you know them experiences i'm talking about i know there was no quality control on it get what you're giving yeah yeah you know what i mean god bless those lasses quality control on it get what you're given yeah yeah you know what i mean god bless those lasses but like the first time that you feel like you're like properly punching up and god it must have been in my 20s must have maybe it was the first sweden tour i remember the first time a swedish woman fucked me i was like this that i what what could possibly

be in this for you that was what i thought that's what i first i don you? That's what I probably started being like, hold on, let's hear this feminism thing out. Because I was just there for two weeks, and they love shagging. And they say that's got to do with it. So I'm listening. That was the one in the special where the girl came up to me, and she was like, what do I have to say to get you into bed?

And you're like like fucking bingo I remember the first time I got over a really hot lass I went over that for like five years even though we weren't that compatible yeah

I was just like bank save bank save game save game it's not gonna get any better than this

we're always rowed didn't get along yeah yeah I remember my first on ones not always the best no

no that's why I managed like I think I think this is true for anyone like I think the hotter you are the worse you are at sex because the other person is just enjoying having sex with you,

like visually. It's got nothing to do with it. It's all this stimuli. If you're a fucking rotter, in order to guarantee that you're getting some more sex, you've got to make sure that you give this person a good time. I reckon they've got lots of fuck buddies. Do you think the more thirsty someone is online,

the less they go to bed? Oh, I don't think there's a fair measure for that. I think sometimes it can certainly be a facade, like a way of pretending to be confident and stuff and covering up for self-esteem and stuff. But then again, I do think there are people online who'd be like, man, if you turned up, I would suck your... Man, that's what Grindr is.

Like, there are horny people online, but they are just mostly blokes. Not that there's no horny women out there, but horny women online are like, oh, well, we can just make money off of all these horny men and then win, win, win, win, win, win, win. Aye. But man are just like bouncing around off each other

I don't know man I mean fucking you know our friends our friends getting fucking sweet stuff for his feet feet pics aye so yeah like you know

so it's it's out there it's just how much you're willing to sell yourself for Dan's just wrote a guy doing that like selling selling pictures of your feet for whatever PlayStation games

man I like I always said to like you know I said to I you know i said i said to gareth says all my female friends i'm like man if you were to just make money selling your underwear online all of you could make an extra 15 000 because gross men are good i get why you don't because like there's i understand like the you know the idea that it could feel a little bit violating even though none of it's violation it's all about bored I can feel like

you're like. You're inviting the wrong sort into your life as well. There's people who are capable of stalking you. You're also just fucking boasting. There's people who are capable of having a psychological relationship with you in your head even though you don't know them. You're like putting your family in a little bit of harm's way if you start selling your knickers in your bath water

only if you put a fucking return address on it there's safety measures you can do, just don't take pictures of your feet in front of landmarks, street signs your bills just make it a neutral place

make sure your panties don't have some sort of I don't know how would Sherlock Holmes there are people out there that would be able to be like she's from Luton that's aye, that's a Luton girl

near the airport alright, I'll just have it for now, there you are get that doing you oh yeah, I think that's alright I'll just have it for now there you are get that doing you slow no yeah I think that's you know for people who've got

a foot fetish that's just giving it away for free I think it's a kind thing to do it's altruism for fucking freaks though

not being judgmental they're normal human beings they have a freaky fucking foot fetish what's your kink? feet not being judgmental they're normal human beings they have a freaky fucking what's your kink feet feet no loss of power

that's the opposite of that like Dom I do not like you don't like being submissive man there's nothing you can do to fucking tie me up I trust Cara

with my fucking life and if she were to come near me with some handcuffs I'd throw her out of a window oh man not interested not even a little bit I've never been interested

in tying up or being tied up I don't think if somebody if Natalie wanted that, I'd be, like, fucking crack on. Aye. Aye, you do you.

Ties up, I'll tie you up, whatever, if you want it, but, like, because it hasn't come up, I'm bored. Oh, man, I tied... I am so grateful to all of the women in my 20s who had frequent sex with me, because a lot of them were fucking freaks and were just like let's explore and do things

and you're like alright let's learn on each other so you found out what you liked and what you didn't aye and you're just like

I'll add vanilla stuff yeah no it's fine I know I'm not a fucking freak because even though I'll do it

like when it's when it comes to choice just give me cool fashion sex buddy just give me a burger and coke please regular fries yeah yeah don't no ketchup just straight in i'm very plain but maybe that comes but i think that maybe that's a good thing maybe like your freaky sex life with your partner

comes in later on when you know i mean that's what I mean this very spicy up comes from we were like all right we've had kids worth of the kids are people now they're off at school and things let's rediscover each other and also I'm not going anywhere so hoorah lights on or off on absolutely I want to look at the whole thing all the time I'm into the visual absolutely Natalie's more like dimly lit

like kind of save thing basically and feel it and I'm like I've got no visual imagination so I'm just fumbling around with the pitch blackness

yeah fucking light this shit up Marco Marco who's Marco who the fuck is Markle yeah no definitely

lights we have to take turns definitely definitely lights on it can be definitely lights

but gotta gotta see I think I wanna see what you have for dinner I like really clinical lighting. Uh-huh.

Big light on. I'm not that bad. I always really enjoyed There's Something to be Said for absolutely disgusting, stanky, hungover sex. Aye.

Where it's literally like, look, we need a dopamine hit, right? And you're there and we're both still naked we need a dopamine hit and you're there and we're both still naked from the night before I'll be as quick as possible I think it's funny that if like you know they're sweaty from the gym or something like that they've just had a workout and they're like oh no I didn't touch this I'm sweaty

you're like that's for you that I couldn't give less of a fuck I don't give a fuck if you're stanking me well I think I don't know man I know who's stanking my ass gets in the gym oh yeah like

if I'm smelly I understand that but like if she's like oh I've been sweating I like that oh no I think

if Carter was being like you do not want to go down I'd be like alright baby I trust you but what about like saunas or steam rooms I sweat in there but is that like a clean version?

I don't think it's clean you have to shower after you come out of the sauna there's no way it's clean it definitely cleans you but you gotta because we had a sauna at the sports innit? where we actually just slipped in that lorry a friend of mine

went to some sort of sauna place with his missus eh like one of the weekends away where they've got a sauna in the back aye

eh I think but it was a communal one for all like the other huts in the area she pissed on the coals oh I heard about this aye aye

and eh no warning to him nah didn't like go wouldn't it be hot if we did this? And then he, like, tries to attack her off the ledge. She made a decision for both of them

that they wanted her to be in a cloud of ammonia. Well, she must have known that he would have done it. Because if you want to piss on the hot coals, you're asking the bloke with the cock. Like, that's what those are designed for. A lady can piss on coals? It shouldn't be a woman pissing on the coals. That's so dangerous.

You could brand yourself. You could seal yourself shut. You could cauterise the axe wound. It'd be fucked. She did it. So she must have known he wouldn't be okay with it. And that's definitely chemical warfare. That's not...

Aye. Like, that must be... The scientists out there have been like that. What's a hammock? Surely. What's your steaming drunk You What even then Like a

What's a new fucking Meaning to the word Steaming drunk Erm I could live a million Lifetimes with Natalie And she wouldn't piss On the coals in a sauna

No That is just not In her remit at all Does she even Pee in front of you I seem like I'd be totally capable on the coals in a sauna. No. That is just not in her remit at all. Does she even pee in front of you? I seem like I'd be totally capable of that, but I've never done it. You pissed on Ricketts in a sauna.

I didn't aim for the fucking coals, though, did I? You and Ricketts literally had a pissing match. Aye. There's a difference between fucking getting someone with a direct hit with the liquid stream and suicide bombing everybody with a cloud of gas. I am morally superior for pissing on Ricketts's leg than the girl who pissed on the coals. We're both morally inferior. I would say pissing on the coals is worse than shitting in the pool. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Aye, I think so. I mean, I think you could shit in the pool five times before it's as bad as pissing. How many poos? Oh, you'd have to, like... A solid shit in the pool from inside of the pool is better than pissing on the coals.

But a liquid shit from the diving board is worse. Hanging your arse out on the edge of the pool and have diarrhea under it is worse than pissing on the coals. I don't think... If you were a lifeguard and you were

at a pool and at the top the guy squatted are you running up to stop him or are you just waiting until he comes down and

then I'm blowing the whistle getting everyone at the pool and phoning the police and passing that

cunt on me he's got a you call the police getting the pool everyone we've got me he's got a you call me a police officer we've got a psychopath there's a psychopath on the high board he's a risk to everybody and himself

just everybody go get changed I can't believe you let that maybe he's just having a bad day I'm going to go up the stairs what am I going to do when I get there spartan kick him

do some toilet paper this is shorter oh well you tried you can hand him some toilet paper would I hand him

some toilet paper? you could hand him some toilet paper go up there at a height with a man who's hanging his arse off the high diving board

would I gang up and assist him to wake his mum? not assist him to wake his mum but not assist him to wake up his bum but I mean unless he took toilet paper up there which I don't think he did

because if he did how did you not notice a cat going up to the diving boards with some toilet paper what did you think he was going to do TP the place

what do you call that kick where you jump up and do like two kicks to the chest oh I don't know is that just a drop kick oh a drop kick I think I drop kick him off yeah I don't know is that just a drop kick drop kick

I think I drop kick them off yeah I don't know you kind of no because remember the top the top diving board

is never a diving board it's always just fucking concrete and sadness up there you've got the flippy one the springy one and there's like

a springy one and then like high dive and then like just fucking just jump did you used to dive off them head first no I won no never had the courage God I I'd backflip off them but only to let me see I you have done a different you have to

put your hands like that I don't think you like link your hands but you like do that and it makes more of like it separates the water away from your head a bit more you know not for me it's like one of the things I got really I appreciate the skill that must go into like diving synchronised diving and all these fucking tumbles and shit whenever they score them at the Olympics I'm like there's no

it's wine tasting you're making it up you're going oh that's a 4.8 yeah yeah why oh because his heel came out a bit I think you know when he should have been more in it doesn't matter if his heel

was always like that his heel should have been in that's the point you shouldn't have olympic sports where you can judge it it should all be like clean cut that's not true because at the Olympics this year I don't know if you watched the

fucking BMX and the skateboarding but it was absolutely fucking class and is that on judgement as well is it not like you get certain points for

certain moves no you're thinking of Tony Hawk pro skater games yeah you don't do that no no you know what

maybe it is that and then it's like how well you pull it off but it was it was good but you know what maybe that's it and then it's like how well you pull it off but it was it was good but you know what maybe that's it for diving

but it's just flip flip flip nine what went wrong what bit fucked up they also have to say what they're doing before they go up there

they call it like the end of a fucking pool game like I'm doing the Kentucky Fried backflip oh so they say what moves they're gonna do

because it's like a point based thing to like get up so they kind of just fucking improvise when they're up there no absolutely not it's not jazz it's strict so when you're going up to do the high dive on the diving you've got to be like I'm going to do this this and this and then on a pike and fucking land forward and if you do anything

so even if you do something better they'll get them there I think so I if you take something better look at him now you think so you did a different thing yeah well i think you get shot i think they shoot you mid-air i think after they've realized that you're quite national yeah yeah yeah before you even hit the water they're like hey that's that's not right he's that's two things he's done incorrectly so either he's trying to with us or he's so bad that it's best to put about the olympic shooters the ones that are shooting the divers all right yeah yeah then they're getting judged and then they if they did differently yeah someone releases a clear pigeon into the heat

were you good at skate shooting when we went i wasn't in your team i was all right i wasn't i wasn't i wasn't as unbelievably good as Big Ali was somehow. Aye. And Matthew. But I'm fine. I'm fine with knowing that, you know. I beat you at table tennis when you were hammered. We were both hammered.

Uh-huh. But you get to this point of drunk where, like, you get so confident. And then I beat you at stuff like FIFA and all that. And you denied that I did. And then I beat you at table tennis like FIFA and all that, and you denied that I did, and then I beat you at table tennis, and you're still denying it now.

We could drink for like, and then you just get off the edge when it comes to competitive sports. No, no, no, but also, we played several games yesterday, and I did win most of them, but you beat me once at the end. When we put that it was a competition, within a three out of two.

I think I'm deceivingly good at table tennis and you won't expect that no no I think I lost I think I'm vastly superior than you are

and I just I lose concentration because it's so easy for me nah you just the competition weighed heavy on your shoulders

you choked well I don't buckle you're very spazzy at ping pong that was my insult on you you i don't know the podcast so all right history is written by the thieves um and i was very drunk last night i woke up a little bit confused as to where i was i was very drunk very. I was steaming. And I can't imagine how awful that must have been for my friend who came to the show.

Who's pregnant. Oh, yeah. That's right. We went out last night. Mm-hmm. We didn't just come back. No. We got high with Anakin.

Yeah. Real name. Grown-ass man called Anakin. Real name. Real bloke's name. Born in 2001. Named after Anakin. Aye. His name. Real bloke's name. Born in 2001. Named after Anakin. Aye. Dad a fucking dweeb. His dad hadn't clicked on

that he was going to become the bad guy. Oh. Nah he was a nerd. Piece of shit. He was a nerd he knew. Aye. Um. That'd be so funny to be like I've named my son Zelda just half of the world. Nerd world screams

just like Link he's called Link so we got high with him and then we're talking to these three lovely Irish girls who we'd met before

in Ireland who'd like been to a couple of our tour shows having a nice bit of crack and then we just got pitch invaded

by a really drunk Glaswegian lass who constantly repeated herself. Yeah. And it was like I was trying to react differently to the same stuff that she was saying to see if I could lead it anywhere else. And then she would go back to the beginning.

It's like John Robertson's Dark Room. Uh-huh. It was a choose-your-own-adventure that kept ending up on page one, no matter which fucking route that you took. And it was a choose your own adventure that kept ending up on page one no matter which fucking route that you took and it was the most frustrating conversation because she was like trying to be nice but she was going i wasn't expecting you to be good when the support that comes on me and my friends were just like this is gonna be shit and they were really surprised you were really good very incoherently saying that and then she's

like you should do your own show and i'm like i am doing my own show i'm going to be here on the 27th and 28th and she's just like wouldn't register going you totally should though you should do your own thing i'm like i am i'm doing that i'm doing on the thing and she's like and then she was like because we didn't expect you to be good and i'm just like this is an awkward conversation anyway that i'm humoring i right and you just keep technos through it over and over and it's very funny for a girl uh-huh and she was so drunk and she was so like stumbling and slurring her words and just locked in on that and I was like why am I locked in on this this is your problem they're white. I just went back inside.

Aye. And then? Well, then we also got, oh no, we got in high with Anakin. And then? And we got high with Anakin after that, wasn't it? Yeah. And then went up the road to the Duke where... You know what I liked about that bar? What?

It was an old man boozer that was being run by young trendy people. Aye. And they had just made it a bit artsy. It was like, had all the stamps of an old man boozer that was being run by young trendy people aye and they had just made it a bit artsy it was like had all the stamps of an old man boozer that's new to me

even the fireplace the pool table like the fucking decor everything but then they just went and like put a splash of fucking art on it

and it looked mint like they just like even above the fireplace they just lit like a shit ton of candles and just let them melt and melt and melt until there was just this massive amount of melted candle wax on the fireplace that was the place last time i was here uh i it's clearly changed management since then but like

one of the bar staff i was like can i get a year bomb he was like no oh yeah yeah and i was like any any and he was like no you can't have jagger pops and apparently like it's a law in fucking sydney because it's so conservative that you can't have like shots after 11 or 10 or something like that and i didn't know this he didn't explain himself very well and he does explain it and i'm like all right fair enough man i just didn't fucking know can i have a gin and tonic then he's like absolutely and I was like right so if I were to order a vodka Jägermeister

because a gin and tonic sorry Jägermeister and Red Bull yeah like if you're doing me a gin and tonic that's a shot of gin and tonic we're just getting rid of the fucking bomb could you not do this

he did not like me using any form of logic the fact that you are just asking for a mixer it's the spirit of a mixer. Aye. It's the spirit mixer. She asks, oh man. It's like, you know the types of people

where they're so locked into their job that they've learned it from a bit of paper that there's no, you know, humanity left in it. Sort of when you make them veer off of it, they've got that autistic rigidity. Can you remember that guy who was told to look after that patch of space in the wings of the Rockness stage?

So the blue tent, right, and where I think it was Ben Howard was on, and we're at the back singing along to Ben Howard. There's like wall and artist passes, so loud backstage. But the security guard had clearly been asked to keep this area clear and it was just like 10 foot by 10 foot patch of grass right and then we were stood at the back of that and if we walked across it he'd be like oh you're not allowed on there and get your bye and he was just and i kept dancing onto it i was like he's like off off the grass but there was no reason for it like we're backstage we can be over there on the stage. We can be there.

We can leave, but you can't walk past this grass. He's been told to watch this bit, and I had so much fun with it because it was like fucking, there was a glitch in the matrix. I just found this NPC that had the job to do, and I was just fucking activating his job. And he just, like,

he wasn't getting any more worked up the more I'd done it. He's just a motion sensor. He's just a motion sensor. He was just a motion sensor. I found it fucking hilarious. So that bar last night went in and I just announced myself because you were there, we're a friend, and they had her husband to be wed,

fiance to be wed, two friends and I didn't know any of them and I just went in and announced how high I was I was just saying just got given loads of weed it's always nice having a spliff afterwards but sometimes you overdo it so bear with us see Daisy bear with me as I talk too much for the next two hours and then I talk too much for the next two hours and then I talk too much for the next two hours we got given some shots we did some photos

got very drunk came back here still still only halfway through the Chris Rock special did we talk about that last time or had we not don't think so

eh because he sets up a lot of tired premises but then goes good places with it I found aye those times when he was just like it looked like he was just going to be like boring boring anti-walk like everybody else of his generation you know like and then he actually went to some interesting places with it that was funny and i found myself i found yourself sighing at the set up late and then really laughing once he got into the premise I'm enjoying it I thought I really want to get up to the bit though any

taxable Will Smith comes a fucking loot like that's all you want to see because he's a he's alluded to it a couple of times but he hasn't like it's almost like there's a box it's the box on the stage ladies get his finale and he keeps just going up to the box that's one of the weirdest sort of like reactions I saw to the Will Smith Chris Rock slap was people in the comments

being like that's how you stand up for your woman and I'm like oh man I thought this was just something that we would all be on the same side of the fence like politically like religiously we're all just like hey we'll spend this piece of shit and some people are like class that's how it's done if somebody insults your woman no matter what the cost even for a joke you fucking slap that motherfucker and i bet you a large portion

of the people that are saying that'll be like oh some people kind of take a joke now everyone's easily offended snowflakes that triggered and all that and then you're like and that's how you fucking respond to someone joking slap them and you're like okay okay i'm confused at which lane you're in yeah you spoke to a desire if you don't want to come on our podcast and talk about being cancelled he doesn't think it's a good idea. He didn't say no. Okay. I mean, I know we're wrong.

Like, I understand it, but, you know, it's not like we're going to bring him on and be like, tell us, has this changed your opinion on Jews? Like, come on, let's be real, buddy. Come on, let's do this. Say the line. Say the line. Say the line.

It's very funny I asked him how they're enjoying these races in Australia and he just went I'm looking forward to Brisbane let's probably request that bit I mean he's laughing it off but he's not finding it funny I imagine it sucks do you know

show's still on sure we're still going I wonder if them that's just the case case in Australia and it's like a bit immune to it but then he gets back home and it's a bit tricky who knows I mean maybe we'll see I feel like the noise is gone but I'm not in it I am I imagine when I imagine when the Internet shouting at you it sounds it sounds like the world is shouting at you a lot louder than it is

and it's when I really do become like a boomer and I know this opinion's wrong right because I know it's so much more than just people on Twitter saying stuff

it's threats it's it's it's you know people you know putting fucking pizzas to your house

sometimes prank phone calls phoning up there I know it's more than that. But there is this old fucking dodgery conservative that just goes, just turn off your phone. Aye. Well, if you're being internet bullied,

stop locking up to Facebook. And I know that's so out of date. I know it's not how it works. Yeah. But. It's like if you're getting bullied outside, tell them to stay in the house. It's like don't leave the house then.

You're getting beat up when you walk down the street at the shops. No, just tell me. If you're being outside bullied, go in online, play online for a bit, then your bully will have to go back to his house to get online to bully you there. And then you know he's in the house. Then you know he's in the house.

I mean, that's outdated in your opinion. They have to be in the house to be on the internet i did the thing that we say that we never should do and we avoid doing kind of worked out for the best we never check our diaries no we never check our schedules several reasons. One, it's not convenient like the system we have. It's not good. It takes a little while. So we use Google Pages, which is essentially a Word document online where if you edit it, it edits on mine, Marlena's, and whoever's got access to it.

It's a really difficult system to use because if you change something in one column the fucking alignment in the other column fucks up right so like I use it as a read only file I can't add stuff to it if it comes in but it takes ages to load because if you want to have a look at what you're doing today it needs to load a word document

that takes you right up until 2024 so it takes like a good three minutes and good wifi-fi yeah to load up it's not so that's one of the reasons we don't look at it another reason we don't look at it is just because uh you'll see how long you've got left on tour and you'll lose your mind a little bit and it's just very daunting because it's a real number at that point. I go on today. I'm like, I'll just see what the show's,

what time is the show's tonight, what time the show's tomorrow. I'm home on Friday. I didn't realise. Man, I thought I was, I thought I was getting home till next. I tried to say to you the other day and you batted it away. Aye.

I was just like, you're on the last leg now. Yeah. I'm like your family are away you've got these gigs in Sydney we'll go to Melbourne together

and then you just do a gig in Perth on your way home two two gigs in Perth aye on your way home and then like

I have this extra like fucking add on how long extra till the 8th of May I get back on the 8th of May. So I think I'm like three weeks from now. Or like two and a half weeks or something.

Yeah, an extra week and a half. So I come to Sydney. So I go to Melbourne with you. And then I come back to Sydney and do like a week here. And then I go to Perth. And I'm just doing one gig in Perth. You have to make sure you go out for Anzac Day. Find somebody in Sydney that's cool.

That will take you to a good pub and just get 50 bucks out in cash and just get ready to play. Just gamble at the table. No, it's not a table, you stand up. You stand up. And is this like you can do it in pubs?

You can gamble in pubs on Anzac Day? Gambling is legal the rest of the time in Australia in public places. Except for on Anzac Day. Gambling is illegal the rest of the time in Australia, in public places. Yeah, except for on Anzac Day between sunup and sundown. So you go into a pub, it's called Two Up, and there's a host who's normally drunk and normally shouting, and they get people in the audience to come up, and there's two coins on a panel.

And if you want to bet on heads, what you do is you take 10 bucks out, you want to bet 10 bucks out, you stick it on your head, you tap your fucking head, and then somebody who wants to bet on heads all you do is you take 10 bucks out you want to bet 10 bucks out you stick it on your head you tap your fucking head then somebody who wants to bet 10 bucks on tails will come up to you give you 10 you take both

keep it on your fucking head lock in what they look like they lock in what you look like cunt tosses them up if it's heads and tails obviously nobody wins if it falls off the floor doesn't fucking count

but if it's two tails you've got to find this cunt, give him your money. And if it's heads, he just fucking stays over there and you go, hey, you fucking white cat. You fucking white cat. Pass pod. Aye. I'll fucking wreck you, you fucking...

Could have let her go if you think you're hard enough. I had such a good time in the 2021 I can't remember where we were but Gene and Eric took me out, Jordan was down we were fucking mullered and like there was a bunch of my fans who just happened to be in the fucking same bar and like halfway

through I worked with their fans because they just kept gambling against me like anytime I put like 20 on my head they would be like we'll do that we'll come over and then they moved up to 50 and then i think by the end of it one of the guy was just like i know who you are motherfucker with a hundred bucks on his head oh no did you win it i did fucking nice so i thought i saw a man i thought to be for to those i fucking rent those cuts of their fucking money like on a pure chance game i did give

them all free tickets to the show though I'm going to put it out there that

anybody that gets in touch from Sydney invite us out with them I'll go

out with the podcast listeners aye oh no do make sure it's something

fun don't go out with a fucking introvert man go out and be

like right somebody's going to teach you the game get a fucking introvert man go out and be like right somebody's going to teach you the game get your fucking mullered there you go filter that shit do it

invite us if you're sound I'm going that's really sly on people who are just like I'm not that sound me and Nick Cody

are going to a fucking Essendon I think that's his team we're going to an Essendon game 100,000 fans so it's the big fucking derby on that exact day and then I think that's his team I'm going to an Essendon game 100,000 fans So like

It's the big fucking derby Nice On Anzac Day And then I think We're going to go find Uh Uh Pubs to

Get Larry in And then I think I'm going to attempt To round off the evening By being cultured with Is it a Monday is it? I think Is it

Is it Is it Is it Monday or Tuesday Because I'm doing the gala shows On those days So I'm going to be out anyway Aye

So just whoever Whoever I end up with But aye Open invite Is there a fucking podcast All day yet? Is there like I want 52 minutes in

No The fucking live show Jesus I thought you said Is the podcast over I thought you were fucking Is the podcast sold out yet? I thought you said is the podcast over I thought you were fucking is the podcast sold out yes

I thought you were just fucking like this show this sucks oh god like it's the equivalent of when a comedian checks his watch on stage

I hate that I have to sometimes because I'm overrunning but god I feel like a piece of shit when I'm like halfway through I'm like

because I just know the timing is of my bits and I need to be aware of do you know factor in that's something factor in the bits like when I'm hopping spunk off the floor my bits and I need to be aware of Do you not factor in? Something's factored in to bits like when I'm hopping spunk off the floor with my finger ready to taste it I can see me watch at that angle

and I do that and that was when I had the man of the house pitch and I was holding that up I could see me watch because I think if you like knowingly look at it sometimes like if I get over the end of a bit

and I know I've got a bit more time and I don't have a link to do the final joke you know if I'm doing a 10 spot or something, I look at me watch and go, I've got time to tell you this. And then do it as like a, like,

Oh, Oh good. Rather than like, is it done yet? Um, so the podcast sold really fast. So the dads claimed their tickets. So we had a certain amount set aside for dads and about a third of them were

used. And then we had a discount code set away for same seats and i think the majority of them were used and then the rest of the tickets sold and marley and i was like can we get the ones that we've got held and sell them so that ended up being about like 27 tickets put back on sale 26 26 regulars huh 26 just regular people just dare regular folk but like the mate listen to the podcast but just not be on the perks so there could be muggle corner or they could just be monday listeners wednesday listeners okay right that's good but um i think we have got a few just randos from when we're instagrammed it oh we said okay understood but i think like we've

got a we've got a fair amount who already listen to it would you what what make guess your guess the demographic of our fans in australia that are coming to the show and i'm talking what percentage genders or percentage caucasians right 100 white 100 white no even one in in australia and melbourne i think if we're in america it would be different yeah i've said really well out here. I think girls in their 20s with colourful hair. Yeah. Yeah, that's

I think. I think couples who bond over. Couples who survive jigsaw. Yeah. Then be honest i want you to be really honest here and this is a

difficult question but this is that's what real journalism is what's gonna be the average rating of them looks wise

i'm gonna have no resentment being married i'm not gonna to be looking out again we would be fishing with dynamite and I'm going to be looking out to a bunch of people that would be looking back going mate, wouldn't fuck you anyway, I just think you're funny

we've just got Stockholm Syndrome from listening to you for fucking seven, eight years. I reckon I could bang 80% of the women that listen to this podcast and 75% of the men. I reckon that would have too much respect for Cara. Oh, this is, again, this is always in a universe where she's dead. You'd break the heart by being that guy. I'd break my own heart by being that guy. No, but this is always in a universe where she's dead. Killed herself because of all my cheating.

Are there people out there who are getting laid because of that podcast? Are people sleeping with their podcast listeners? Abso-fucking-lutely listeners there seems something way more creepy about that than like sleeping with fans of your comedy well first of all Brendan Shaw everyone on his podcast is getting cheating and getting laid

from their podcast definitely the fucking skank fest people that's like the New York podcast Harry Shaffir and fucking Big Jay Oakerson and fucking what I can't remember his fucking name

Leso in the UK I don't really have any cool podcasts over here no such thing as a fish off menu have a word they're all in relationships if they're getting laid they're dogs over here. It's like no such thing as a fish. Off menu. Have a word. They're all in relationships. If they're getting laid, they're dogs.

Dead men talking. And Freddie Quinn's getting some puss. Nah. Nah. Nah. Is he? Fuck. Nah, where are you? Freddie Quinn's this guy that fucking, just been doing graphic pedo stuff and then getting

laid off the back of it you know writing I reckon he is aye I don't know he's slinging it

about eh I reckon Chris Ravs gets hell of a post aye

aye I bet he does co-host what a horrible co-host I was going to the co-host like us

aye same as us what about Dave Longley and Eddie Who I reckon they're shagging each other fucking plenty what else we got two G's in the pod

yeah oh both of them slinging it wild Crown Oblivious couldn't even draw a fanny Yeah, oh, both of them slinging it wild. Cleared Oblivious? Couldn't even draw a funny. I love that puts everything on Colin,

because you've just said two Jason Newpods are slinging it wild, and one of them's the co-host of Cleared Oblivious, who I'll get nothing from that one. You know, I get it. I would understand, like, there would would definitely be a it would be fucking weird I think it would be weirder for us to fuck the fans

because they would be like oh my god like I think you're giving in a podcast you're giving so much

of yourself for nothing in return I wonder how many of them are reacting to this the same way that me and Natalie react to the concept of having sex with each other

or being intimate in any way and just me and you talking about fucking our fans like all these people who are our dads are like boys please but there are also some thirsty fucking gays out there so don't you be pretending for a second you wouldn't be

thrilled if Cara died and I grieved in a very homosexual way you want to see these feet I fucking know you do be thrilled if Cara died and I grieved in a very homosexual way. You want to see these feet? I fucking know you do. How many people do you think's wanked over you? Men and women? Ever? Aye. Aye. I would

like to think that it's more than most people, definitely more than your average person like I think there are more people that wind over me than like just generally like hot people um

is it arrogant to say definitely over a thousand? you think over a thousand? fuck I've got 300 Instagram fucking followers like we do what 100,000 on on tour

maybe more 150 on tour like and that's people that come and see me and they and then you I've got a lot of people

who feel like they're connected to you emotionally which I feel like I feel like that counts for more than like just a fucking

topless pic online or something like that there was and there's like people think there used to was there used to be there used to be that website where there was

like fan fiction about you know what it was like an anonymous thing where people would talk about how much they wanted to fuck certain comedians

and what they do to them and there was a lot of excerpts about me was there oh yeah not as many not as many as like

fucking Joel Domet Ramsey Sterling the The Lot. We should find that and read them out on the podcast. Man, I've tried looking for it. I can't find it. I don't even know if it was on like fucking Reddit or if it was on fucking Tumblr, but it was just this,

it was like a picture of the comedian and then just like a quote of what they would do to them over the face. It was vulgar and funny and very very fulfilling aye and we're closing on that because how many people do you think

whacked over you? oh like probably just like I don't know just the ones that I've been on the phone with when they've done it just the

just the just the just the calm girls you're it you're it life Jasmine Just the Just the calm girls You're it Life Jasmine I don't think it's many I don't think it's a great deal

If you do masturbate over me And you Here's a gift for you Keep going Keep going It's just for them It's really awkward for me though

it's fine but don't break eye contact with me this is Ben we've got all this tech we've got tech we've got a camera but like

take that out of the way it's just me and you in the room if you're going to start attacking I'm giving them I'm giving them joy jerk off instructions

and this works if you've got a fanny as well keep going now go faster now go slow now stop Chirk off instructions. This works if you've got a fanny as well. Keep going. Now go faster. Now go slow. Now stop.

That was me. That was Kai. That was me. Keep going. I didn't say stop. Oh, no, I did say stop, didn't I? Now go again. Faster.

Faster. Now ram your fingers down your throat. Not those fingers. let's just stop oh Simon didn't say a thing of yourself ah you lose okay

that's that's a thousand and one now come hope that helped right so that's the podcast yep and the jerk off instructions mm-hmm I heard everything I heard everything from that hope that helped right so that's the podcast yep and the jerk off instructions

mhm I heard everything heard everything from that except like punchlines I don't think people come here for punchlines see you at the live pod