Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.3: Father Bean

Episode Date: October 19, 2022

After waking up in Belfast, Creams road takes him to Liverpool while Muggins flies solo in Aberdeen, they regroup after their shows for this podcast. If you think you're going to learn anything from this, you've got another think coming. 

Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys On The Road. This is episode three of the new tour. We've just done a gig in Belfast and then Daniel went to Liverpool. I went to Aberdeen to do my solo show and then we'll meet back up at his house for this episode. It's a very good one. We talk about raising children and different methods and the whole way through I'm just biting my tongue, not to bring up Peggy. And also we're about to record a Q&A for the Patreons. So if you listen to the public episode That's already out now

So if you sign up to Patreon You can listen to the Q&A And if you sign up to the second or third tier You'll be able to ask questions on the next one So get involved with that if you want If not keep enjoying the podcast on a weekly basis And enjoy. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles.

Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Hi mate Hiya Been on different roads

Well we have, we started together in Belfast So we got there separately I don't know what your journey was like It was from the airport But as always, it doesn't matter which Ireland you're in Every Emerald Isle dwelling taxi driver thinks they have the God-given right to

just talk to you the entire fucking time. I was in a taxi with Marlene and she was in the front, so I just haven't had it. I feel like the talking taxi driver is for Marlene. Yeah. They really enjoyed each other's company

and I was like this is sweet for me because this acts as a human shield and I can just like watch shit on my iPad aye

but not you no no I mean it's a nice conversation but do you know what's better than a nice conversation

no conversation zero conversation have you tried like really leaning into it though and just like ask them a few things about themselves

and show an interest in that? Yeah, doesn't make me feel any better. Don't enjoy the chat anymore. Well the guy the other day was complaining about some of the fucking roadworks and having come back from you know fucking Glasgow last week where the roads were

a nightmare to get back. I'm like okay you know I can complain about roads and how you know the government doesn't do a good enough job. Like, I don't think you should be allowed to close one road and then just be like, and if there's any other road works within a five mile vicinity, whoopsie daisy! Oh, well, you know,

we're the city planners, but we don't really we know. And I was able to hold up that. But the entire time I'm like none of this conversation matters. You just want to tap on their face and see entire time I'm like, none of this conversation matters. You just want to tap on their face and see how long it's left, like a YouTube video. Yeah. And just go, we would both benefit from just, you know, silence here.

You know, I won't even be on my phone. I'll just sit in the back and fucking meditate. There's always this weird thing as well. For some reason, people are much more comfortable interrupting you, reading a book, than they are you on your phone. Aye. So yeah, if you're just texting or whatever, they'll be like, oh, he's busy. Yeah, you're not doing anything. But if you're reading a book, they're like, oh, he's bored.

Yeah, I've got my Kindle and they're like, so how's your day? You're like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, if I was on my phone, I know some people work on their phone, but look at me and make the assumption that I definitely don't work on my fucking phone. Aye, you're looking at memes. Aye. Reddit. And that good fucking Brendan Schaub drama.

I got I got declined from the lounge. Why? Because you know how British Airways, we booked for British Airways for the Aer Lingus flight and then I was like you know what, Iways, we booked for British Airways for the Aer Lingus flight. And then I was like, you know what? I'll get to the airport early. It's a fucking 8 o'clock flight.

I was like, I'll be there from half six. I've got my leverage access. I've got my silver membership. And I went in and they were like, you're a gold member? I'm not going to do an Austin Powers joke, but I was like, no, no, silver. Like thinking it didn't matter. And she was like, I'm sorry. You know when they go, I'm like nah nah silver like thinking like it didn't matter yeah and she was like

I'm sorry you know when they go I'm sorry but they're really enjoying it yeah yeah you know when they're really enjoying rejecting you like that fucking

what's it called Minnesota nice yeah yeah yeah where they're just like oh I'm sorry sir but we can't let gold members who fly with Aer Lingus on

because that's like a minus one and scum point yeah yeah yeah in this place the tone of the place would have the likes of you in here. We can't give people bonus points and air miles for regularly taking Aer Lingus flights because that's how we ship cattle. So it's only got to be...

Mind you, British Airways does not get to pretend to be an exclusive club that you want to be part of anymore. They've lost that, right? No. I was like, I even was like, oh, that's a shame because I wouldn't have left earlier. And she's like, oh, I'm sorry. And I was like, because, you know, the only reason I booked this flight

was because it was through British Airways partners and that's like how I book all my flights because of the privileges. And she's just there frigging herself under the table I just fucking love it the more I talked aye shame on you aye

just being like and tell me and tell me how none of the other shops are open aye go see if you can talk WH Smith into getting your coffee do they have a coffee machine nah

but I know they've got one in the staff room you can try there you fucking loser and I was sat in one of them pseudo WH Smith Wetherspoons you know when it's not a Wetherspoons Do they have a coffee machine? No, but I know they've got one in the staff room. You can try there. You fucking loser. And I was sat in one of them pseudo W.H. Smith Wetherspoons. You know, and it's not a Wetherspoons. Aye. But they're Wetherspoons.

Yeah. But they charge like they're not. Yeah. They're like 13 pun for a breakfast, even though you're like, you're Wetherspoons in disguise and you're charging us premium rates on the thing.

Stop it. Yeah. So I sat in one of them just shouting at people going, I'm better than this. Just flashing yourself a membership around I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be here

there are different rules for some reason I'm sitting here out of choice actually it's class snobbery is what it is not something I would ever lower myself to

you fucking scumbags I had an extra hour in the airport running out for nothing I I got on to myengis flight,

and you're going on the back of the plane. Oh, yeah, I found that out, because I booked in seat 1D, so I could be in the aisle at the front, and then just jump straight off. Yeah. Oh, please, can I be last in the taxi rank queue? That would do me huge fucking favours.

And the loaded were from the back, and I was just like, last one off. I was like, on the same day I went to the airport earlier it's like why I'm good at travelling I plan to be travelling well you get into your taxi and he puts all of your luggage in the front seat the back seats and he's like mate you're in the boot I'm sorry but I feel there's another way you could do this I know but they're already in there and I've put the seatbelts on at this point it's just

it's much less kerfuffle if you just get into the boot alright extra points for kerfuffle I'm getting in the boot good use of kerfuffle sir so I get on the back of an Air like England

Air Air they hate it when you call them Air England they really get upset at that Air Legos flight and there was Indian family so it's dad When you call them out of England. They really get upset at that. Air legacy. And there was an Indian family. So it's dad, mum, teenage daughter.

And I walk on the back. You know when you're just sort of looking, you're looking for your seats, but you're also making eye contact with people in their seats. So I look down there, and this 15-year-old Indian girl, her eyes just widen, right? A white man?

Going to Ireland? Huh? Her eyes widened and i'm like okay right i've been recognized here that's what this is and it's i sometimes i don't catch being recognized sometimes i can't point out to me being like those people over there recognize you or did you hear those people talking about you there and i'm like no no no but other times it's just very obvious and i do enjoy watching how people react because i'm mad i could not just be more of a you know angry dull shit person in real life but obviously because of the image i've created on stage and because you don't choose how people consume your art so it means a lot to people so she's just one of those ones where she's just been right and then while trying to be subtle and me still making eye contact with her

was grabbing and tapping her mum. And I'm like, I can see all of this. Like, she's like, I can see all of this is in my periphery. It's even more. She's just fucking slammed away, playing pie and cake under the table. And my mum's just fucking slapping away

playing patty cake under the table and my mum's just like it's a toddler just like fuck off man so eventually

so I end up just sitting down in front of them and eventually I get a tap on the shoulder and I turn around and it's the dad and he goes

hi just my daughter's a big fan of your work and I was like oh that's amazing so I'm like oh thank you so much that means a lot to me and you know and he goes, hi, just my daughter's a big fan of your work. And I was like, oh, that's amazing. So I'm like, oh, thank you so much. That means a lot to me. You know,

I didn't say what are you off to? I'm like, what are you going to be doing in, what are you doing in Belfast? And they're like, oh, you know, we're just visiting all the UK and we want to see all the bits of it. What about you? And I'm like, oh, you know, I'm over doing a show.

And they're like, would you ever play India? And I'm like, we are genuinely at the moment. What are you in the comments section of my twitch I'm like we're genuinely at the moment

in the works we're talking to I think the right people at the moment to try and get it lined up for next year 2024 do you have any

recommendations so we're just having a wee fucking blether and then he eventually goes I'll let you get back to you know just reading or whatever

and I'm like okay I'll do a photo with you afterwards you know when we're out in the tarmac or whatever and he goes anyway if'll let you get back to, you know, just reading or whatever. And I'm like, okay, I'll do a photo with you afterwards, you know, when we're out in the tarmac or whatever. And he goes, anyway, if you do come to Delhi, we've not seen your comedy, but she speaks so highly of you, me and the missus will just take her.

And I was like, oh no, no, do not. Sorry, please don't do that. Please buy your daughter tickets to the show. Maybe drop her off. Because at the moment, you have this image in your head of me of being a very down to earth kind charming person who's like I would

love to make the time of day for your daughter who's a fan and then you're going to see me on stage being like you're like cunt fuck shit

piss and there is no God suck my fucking weed smoking balls and you've got like really firm opinions on only children and she's quite

clearly yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and although and and the last 20 minutes of really really racist stuff i do in the show show um just got mixed up like matty at a wedding you see matty at the indian wedding no oh so yeah it was like i think it was uh amir's his fiance's sister getting married, and he was classed as family, so he had to put the full garb on, and he was the only white man in full garb. He looked like the shopkeeper on Shameless.

Is he shameless? No, no, I wasn't married. She just keeps the corner shop, and she wears all the full dress and that. And he had the weird, like, Indian wedding. There's loads of different bits of it, right? And one of them is, like, they went from Birmingham, where the wedding was, to London Indian wedding there's loads of different bits of it right and one of them is like they went from Birmingham where the wedding was to London where

there's a church. They hate it when you call it a church. What's it called again? Shrine? I wear my own kai. What would they pray to? What religion are we talking about? Buddhism? I don't even know I'm going to be deaf. Fucking well I'll be deaf. Temple. I was looking for temple.

That's what I was looking for. I'm glad I wasn't like, ooh, Kaj Mahal. Synagogue. It's a synagogue. So I had to go to the temple and then

being like my little McCabe greeters guild, everybody that came into the temple and just like, so loads of Indian people who pray all the time at the temple are coming in and Matt is just stood there white boy just gone put your money in that

so i saw the videos of him on instagram at the wedding as well he was like he had some he's he'd and he he had like i don't, like ashtrays and all that. Man, I genuinely thought he was going to be like, and he had six hands and a trunk. They're like, Matt, please stop, please stop. This is also culturally insensitive. Just wait till I order a chicken tikka masala. Were you just telling me there that chicken pakora is Scottish? Aye. Aye. Just thought I'd lie to you

Aye My sauce is Natalie Uh huh Who's kind of brown Yeah And 100% Scottish Uh huh

And she says that it's a Scottish thing That would make sense Because pakora is a really good word to say in like a thick Scottish accent. Pakora. Pakora. Can I get some chicken pakora, please? None of that mushroom pakora.

Chicken and take a pakora. Everything's just a small two-letter syllable. Pakora. It's like the way I say Cara, just to annoy her. Cara. Bye. Pakora. Caroline Herrera. It's like the way I say Cara to Stonoyer. Cara. Bye. Bacora.

Caroline Herrera. Speaking of, you told me something in there that I didn't believe you and then Matthew Googled it because that's what he does. He Googles facts and tells them to work. Really, really sparse body. Lots of people, hey, I only found this out the other day. So the way it obviously works as a human being is you work out something new and you find it very interesting and then what you then do is you offer out that fact to everyone else as if you've known it forever until people start going

you've already told us man i was on the yeah it's in the car with you when you tell those three names and the one you told us was for those of you out there who think the phrase is, you've got another thing coming. T-H-I-N-G. You've got another thing. Oh, if you think you're going to do that, you've got another thing coming. That's not actually what it is.

The sentence is actually, you've got another think coming. Which makes sense. Because, hey. I'm not against it. It just doesn't scan If you think No it scans way more

If you think You're going to do that You've got another Think coming I would think Coming is just a But what things coming What was the first thing

I get it I get it I just like I can see why people Changed it to thing It just rolls off the tongue About everything No I think

It's still soon I think it was people Like smooshing it together You've got another Think coming And then the K And the J thing no I think it was people like smooshing it together you've got another thing coming and then the K

and the G merge together when Jeff Hurst scored against West Germany

they think it's all over and everyone thinks it's they think it's all

over it is now it was actually thing please don't sorry that's all I could think of I'm out Good

Because anything else will make me kill myself Anything else Oh my fucking god My fucking god I dismantled your joke and put it back in the box Not for me I need you to work out Just make a joke and put it back in the box. Not for me. I need you to work out,

help me work out whether I'm in the doghouse or not. Now, what have you done? I think it would take you a lot as well. Oh, well, I'm not, I'm not in the actual real doghouse,

but you know how occasionally in a relationship, you'll do something with just without really thinking thinking not necessarily the consequences, you just do something and then later on you go, oh okay that had these consequences and I didn't think about this person's emotions and that, like there was no malice or ill intent in it, but at the end of the day I probably did do something about it

I've never been in the doghouse with Cara, that's not how we work, we have effective communication with each other where I'm like, you know, it's upsetting you and we're healthy. But when it's like minor small stuff and you're like, this isn't worth having a fucking conversation over.

So, little Ali, his daughter is three months older than my son. You forgot his name there. What's his name? What's his son? Yeah, yeah. Well, I was trying to work out, I'm like, am I going to forgot his name what's his name what's his son yeah yeah while I was trying to work out I'm like

am I going to say his name have I said I've definitely said his name on the podcast and then one of my friends from high school Graham has a son as well

who is about four months old so today was actually the first time all three of us just went to a park in Dunfermline with our three kids

just the three boys that went to high school together oh that's nice it was sweet isn't it we were just walking around being like you know

and not like oh who thought this would be our life but just being like isn't this fucking great that this is our life I'm so glad that we all had kids

like within nine months of each other because this is the most different they'll ever be from each other in terms of what they're capable of doing and and that'll be the case for the first like three years Want to be a year old but once I like five six, you know who gives a shit

So we're having a nice time put Caelan on the swings and He's loving it. He's like never been on swings before right? I'm the time of his fucking life because he's finally finally's finally setting up like he's getting better at holding this back up you can sit him down by himself and he'll put him in the little trolley seat ones yeah those ones and i'm pushing him and oh my god he loved it right he was laughing he was smiling didn't really know how to hold on but he didn't get him over the top and he went into a different dimension yeah yeah no no i flipped him over the top he did it back flip and landed back in it it was dead sick nice

aye aye and then I send a picture and the videos to Cara to be like hey look I'm keeping our son alive and not only that

I'm entertaining him and she sends me a message back being like that's his first time in a swing oh hold on is that

are you sticking that with everything well so are we? Because, like, because, man, I absolutely see where she's coming from. Because there's small things, like, had she fed him for the first time when I wasn't there, I definitely would have had, like, Oh, you could have starved him till I got back from work. Yeah, like, just give him titi milk until i'm

back and you know that that would have been one there's yeah man i think for a lot of the stuff like the oh yeah but you're gonna miss her as a first yeah but i'm going to but i'm going to miss him doing 100 firsts naturally like i might miss the first step you're physically going out your way well i fucking shall show her just like have him riding a bike and all that man we're at the fucking we're at the fucking park I'm not going to not put him

in a swing like I've got about the other kids are in the swing yeah everyone else is looking around all the other kids are having fun but then I am also like

oh yeah I mean that is definitely the first time he's been but you sent the video but aye aye and man she's not

she's not she's not angry but she's definitely not angry but she's just moaned a little bit of a loss aye but I'm like am I is it like

is it is it worth an apology or is it just you know is it you know am I bringing up am I just thinking she's being overly sensitive there

or you know because man thank fucking god I didn't film him going down the slide oh shit you should find this out on the podcast didn't film him going down the slide oh shit you should find this out on the podcast

well I say he went down the slide me and Ali just well right because we're both adults you went down the slide too

no no getting the kids to hold the camera it was a wide slide so we just started racing our babies right of course

poo sticks dropped them off the bridge stand at them out of the bridge, stand at the end of the road, and they're like, a couple of them are droning, but you won. That's the main thing.

I don't, man, I don't think, I don't think, look, if she is, if she, she's not angry,

right? That's not the emotion that's going to be there. I think the only emotion that will be there, which is a bit of disappointment. And I'm asking you, what do you think on the scale of disappointment that is?

Because, I mean, you raised the good point of, you know, there's heaps of firsts and I'll be missing a bunch of them. But I think the first sign we'll miss, I might miss his first word, I might miss his first steps and stuff. I really hope I don't. But, you know, what with me being away,

something can happen. I think it's one of them where like it's it's worth like oh like the conversation that you had but name all of that yeah

I think like it's not it's not like game on bitch well that's well so it's generally that was the thing in my head

because I was like what if she tries to one up me here which she won't because that's pettiness and she doesn't what one would get you what would get what if she tries to one up me here which she won't because that's pettiness and she doesn't what one would get you

what would get you if she'd done a thing with him and you were like oh I imagine she took him to his first football match when he was

like six you'd be fucking just imagining that face when you come with the fucking I don't want to say the tunnel

but that's when you come out the pitch the concourse onto the stadium and you just see the fucking, I don't want to say the tunnel, but that's when you come up the pitch, the concourse onto the stadium and you just see the fucking magnitude of it and feel that atmosphere of all the bodies in that and see everyone in their fucking team colours. I remember the first time I had that,

I was probably about 19 or something. You and me have two very different first stadium experiences. It was clearly your first stadium. St. James' Park. It was Peter Piazzi's testimonial. Mine was Old Bayview in Meckle

like I'm not like man if she wants to take him to an East 5 game oh yeah but not Hamden don't do Hamden so aye

if she took him if she took him to Hamden aye to watch Scotland would you be like it was just a swing I've not even been to Hamden oh no that, would you be like, well, it was just a swing. I've not even been to Hamden.

Oh, no, that's not true. I think I've watched. But I don't think I've watched. I've definitely not watched football. I've been to Hamden to watch Coldplay. Oh, yeah. That was an accident, by the way. I was just looking for the shop.

Just turned up being like, are these old firm tickets out of date? I enjoyed them, actually. I've seen them again since I think they're amazing live I wouldn't put them doing as one of my favourite bands but put on such a good

live show and you know all of their songs I bought tickets to Jay-Z and Coldplay and this is when we lived in Blythe drove all the way

to Hampden to watch it got stuck in traffic struggled to get parked took ages to get in Jay-Z had just finished and then Coldplay came on I was like well

I'm glad we're going all this way sorry I thought that story was going to be like Jay-Z had just finished and then Coldplay came on. I was like, well, I'm glad we're going all this way. Sorry, I thought that story was going to be like, Jay-Z was on the plane to that gig and then we'd be like, I'm going to finally listen to this Coldplay and find out who it was. Turn it around! No, gross.

Apparently his wife makes candles out of her fanny. Not interested. This is not my kind of guy. But he came back on to sing Kanye's bit of Forever Young. Is it Forever Young he did with him? Oh, no, that was something else. That was with Mr. Hudson. I don't know.

He came back on. Ask me some questions about Imagine Dragons or Creed, and I'll help you. That's so tragic. I get to say I saw Jay-Z live because he came on to do a feature on a Coldplay song, but I didn't see it. The other one was the Commonwealth Games again I went

to see Mo Farah he finished he's fast he pulled it really yeah I'm bored just not in the

mood he was playing for Jules Blitz he was on his high score he was like I'll stop this but it was good

watching I've never seen a football match I think if she would or if she were to take him to like his first water park

without me that would be gutting aye that would do you oh that would be gutting aye aye but also because like because then

that would be because me and Gareth we both love water parks and I'm like you know for me as if like if she took one of his first strip eyes I'd be like that would be because me and Gareth we both love water parks and I'm like you know for me as if like if she took one of his first strip ads

I'd be like that wasn't for me that was meant to be me I was meant to dance for him aye well did we both just look at the board

we did aye what's coming up next? I wanted to ask you about these things. They're nice. Aye. I've listened to the start of your last podcast with Colin. Yeah. And he mentioned about you've got like 20 pairs of shoes now.

And then I saw you at Belfast. And you had a different pair on to them ones. So I'm spotting now that what you have done is exactly what I did with Peggy. Oh. I've made my stance perfectly clear on a thing, on a podcast, and there's receipts of it in the archive of the podcast. And then I became that guy. And you've done that because it's a muggle corner where you just fucking

ride on people who collect trainers and, like, queue up for the special edition trainers and all that. But in my defence, this watch was free. Because you did put watches under the bus as well, we both had. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like anybody that's spending a certain amount of money on a watch, you see a buy in status. Yeah, yeah.

And to be fair, also, like Cara the other day, she was like, you only like those shoes because of the label. And I'm like, I can't, Karen the other day, she was like, you only like those shoes because of the label. And I'm like, I can't deny that that is part of it. But after putting on my first pair of Air Jordans, I was like, fuck, these are comfy as shit. And I do really like the way they look. Aye, good for you.

So do you only collect Jordans? No, no, no, no, no. Like, I mean, literally, like, we know what I'm like. I'll get into the thing for two months and then not. But the good thing is if you get into shoes for two months, you've still got them for the rest of your fucking life. But you probably fucking wear them to go and work

and run the fields and all that. Man, I bought... Elliot made us carry him to the car, you know, once because he's new trainers. It was raining and there was wet water on the floor and he made us put him on his back.

And then I carried him like that. I bought a pair of... When I was in New York, I bought a pair of uh brown fucking uh gazelles um and then me and carl went for a walk the other day and she was like are you honestly wearing your new shoes on a rainy day and i was like it did not even occur to me to not use them as shoes no no no no no but like man they're fucking white and they're suede you don't wear those like they're white

sold in suede brown material you don't wear those on a fucking muddy day she's like do you want to turn around and I'm like I mean I do and I should

but maybe this is an important lesson that I need to learn about why I just can't buy myself nice things aye you're bad on it

so what was the what got you started did you just buy a pair just because you were shopping around you were like I'll try these on well you know what was the, what got you started? Did you just buy a pair just because you were shop and run? You were like, I'll try these on. Well, you know what? It was like, I started to.

Was it like a Reddit forum? Is there a friend that give you a first hit? To be 100% honest, right? It comes, there was a while ago, we spoke about this, when I started getting into like buying stuff from ASOS, right? Just because. Try it on in the hoose and send it back yeah

and also like I'm at a stage you just have little catwalks in there but like I'm in a really really good happy relationship

with the love of my life but I still want her even though I know she loves me and I know she'll love me forever

I want her to like my feet I want her to think my feet are class no but I want her to like I you know how I dress. Everyone sees.

Like, I've got no fucking fashion sense. And thankfully, Cara loves me for who I am on the inside. But it is that thing where you're going, I am just making you walk around with, like, a big, ditzy fucking burk. Like, there's this really beautiful woman and a guy just in, like, fucking trackies and scuffed up shoes and a hoodie with, like, curry stains on it and a spliff hanging out of his mouth.

I'm like, I'm not. Like you're doing me huge favours. I walk around with you and people are like, Sloss is doing well and Cara must be in this for the money. Like she's got, and that's not fair

to walk around and just make people be like, well, she's only with him for the money because that's categorically why she's not with me. So, and man. That doesn't work as a sentence. categorically why she's not with me. So, and man- That doesn't work as a sentence. That would mean she's not with you.

Oh yeah, sorry, sorry. She's not with me because of the money. All right. So like, so when I was on ASOS, I was buying trainers that I thought would go with things and then they came out and I'm looking at them and I'll show you the ones in the house. I'm like, these are just knockoff Jordans.

These are just like knockoff, and it's from Asos which is great because they were so fucking cheap and they were really they looked decent but you look at them you're going

these are just like the step down the two stripes yeah and I've got nothing against that but also then I'm just like man you've got like I've got money

like you can treat yourself to things occasionally so we were in New York and we walked past the next store and to be fair we went into several stores with Jordans in them and Carol's like just buy yourself a pair like you clearly want

one and I was like no but I've made such a strong stance in the past about not but we've went back and so many of them now no one's going to respect our opinion like it's growth it might not be growth in a positive direction but it's you know tumour's also a growth

growth that isn't in a positive direction is just change you know you know tumour is also a growth you know growth that isn't in a positive direction it's just change yeah oh is it oh no yeah um so we go to the next store i find a pair that i really like i've been looking at them in a bunch of stories i'm like i'm gonna get those and the guy goes if you sign up to nike today you got a 50 discount on everything you buy today and i was like what everything i buy everything i buy% discount on everything you buy today and I was like what? everything I buy everything I buy and he was like

everything you buy I'm like so I would buy two pairs of Jordans for the price of one he's like yep and I'm like well I'll get two pairs of Jordans then and so then I got

two pairs and then and then now you've got 20 pairs that's how they get you yeah I don't have 20 pairs oh that's what Colin said is that

wait a minute is Ryan Colin extending the truth yes is he using hyperbole I don't have 20 pairs. Oh, that's what Cullen said. Wait a minute. Is Ryan Cullen extending the truth? Yes. Is he using hyperbole? Well, I mean, that's what he always does. And that's what he gets from... I love it when he's like, everybody on the internet's saying this.

And then he types in the keywords and finds the one-legged tweet. Yeah. He goes, see everyone on the internet. Anti-vax research. Yeah. Vaccisms. Vaccines causing autism. to tweet yeah see everyone on the internet anti-vax research yeah vaxisms vaccines causing autism

vaxisms vaxisms I'm not even high you're not no oh wow no I mean we will be

for the Patreon episode oh yeah yeah you've all if you listen to Patreon you've already listened to that because we released that on Thursday but after this

we're going to record the Q&A, the Patreon Q&A, a lot of questions. Last time we did that, we did it really high with Ari. And I think we got the first question and just used that as a jump off to do a podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we did a one-hour answer to the one question. Which I think is fine

because as long as you're just having a proper blather. I mean, look at me listening. Listen to me just telling the fans what they want. Like, they enjoy this meandering bullshit that we do. I mean, they must. They're still here. Enjoy, accept. Man, the other

day, right, I was walking. I'd gone to the Philharmonic in Liverpool, right? This was when you weren't there. It was Gareth who was supporting, and I was going down to meet fucking Dean and Amy From the Mild High Club Just to get some dinner with them

I think we're seeing them tomorrow Yeah we are Get on to that in a second as well Write that on the board I have a word Write that on the board I'm a silver member Fucking hell

It's funny God bless staff Does he Jesus I'm a silver member And I see your True colours And that's why

I loathe you So don't be afraid Can I just try And spin it Sure I was trying to be like Oh I've just Thought of something

Right there on the notice That's exactly what happened We've got it recorded We can watch it back If you watch I'm just like Oh yeah We've got a notice happened We've got it recorded We can watch it back As we watch I'm just like Oh yeah aye We've got a notice board

We've got stuff Sorry I'm driving a CD No no I was just walking down To the restaurant Named after your wife Mowgli's? Yep

Yes And There's It's like two hours before the gig And I've got my hood up. And you know when you just catch snippets of conversations, right? It's a famous comedy fucking trope. The snippet of conversation I caught was the following.

God, I really can't wait to see him. Do you know he's got a podcast? I heard it's pretty decent. And his girlfriend went, I've heard it's not. About us? Amazing. Amazing. about us amazing amazing i was like yeah yeah all right fair enough you know what right i could see why people like it but i can also see why people never mention that they've listened to it i think if you've

listened to this podcast for a long time you understand fully what it is and you know you you know there's podcasts that I really really like and as time goes on there's like the occasional where you go well this isn't as good as the previous episodes

this definitely isn't my favourite episode but I still listen to it I still like hearing those familiar voices talking about things because you know they've got a relationship

with each other and I feel like I know that like I get so you've got to tune into it when you're tuned in you're like

oh that's alright but like you're not gonna you're not gonna suggest putting this on in a car with some people that haven't listened to it really no no no no if you're doing that right now if you're doing that right now shame on you yeah i i reckon people do it because this is the way i do whenever you're trying to recommend a podcast to someone you go hey here's five episodes that you need to listen to and then you can just go from chaos I'm sure people used the episode where we had a reunion

that's the word we had a reunion in Australia where we'd both been doing the podcast separately for a while and then we got back and had I not been away

to Thailand and proposed and then when I come back I filled in on that there's an episode that and like I think people like throw that one at their pals to get them into it and then just go come back I filled you in on that there's an episode that like I think people like throw that one at their pals

to get them into it and then just go it's up to you after that yeah yeah no no no that's like the first proper hit of fucking that's your half price

Air Jordans aye aye and then to be honest some of these episodes are fucking fentanyl they're like hey you know

is this caught with anything no no but like don't take heaps of it this one's been cut with culling bentonil wow

yeah where are we going tomorrow we're going to run a restaurant oh yeah yeah so have a word of doing there he didn't write it down by the way everyone because he doesn't answer the clicks.

I had to remember. You made us remember that one. I wasn't paying attention. I don't even know what you wanted me to do. I still don't know what you wanted me to write on the board. Just have a word. So we're going down to Liverpool tomorrow to have a word, have one of their Patreon specials

because they put heaps more effort into things than we do. And they've read out a restaurant where it's going to be staffed by guests, previous guests that they've had on the podcast. I have no idea what our role is yet.

No, we haven't been told? No. I'm assuming, like, surely we're not going to be involved in the cooking will they have will they have comedians who know how to cook

where you can right sweet you can make the meals yeah you guys you guys build the menu with us and the build up

so you know what you can do yes I don't know who the chefs are but they have already been picked because they need to arrive earlier

than we do tomorrow I don't know what our job is but like we're now in the like WhatsApp group with all the comedians doing it.

I think it was Freddie Quinn was like, are we all going out and getting pished after this tomorrow? I'm like, after? After? I'm sorry. You expect me to use knives so much? No, no, no.

If I'm doing the bar, if I'm the fucking maitre d', if I'm the fucking creator, or if I'm no. But if I'm doing the bar, if I'm doing the, if I'm the fucking maitre d', if I'm the fucking creator, or if I'm a fucking waiter, I'm happy to do any of those things. Don't for a fucking second think I'm doing any of this fucking, this isn't my job.

Mate, if I'm washing dishes, I'm drinking the dishwater. Like, man, I'm fucking, like Dean and Amy from the Mile to High Club are there. I'm going to be At the back of them And be like

Should we just get Fucking baked Because man It's not real It's not real restaurant Like patrons It's patrons Of have a word

So I'm like I'm not getting tipped I'm not working for tips Like I'm I'm not saying I'm going to be Fucking fucked Then he had to see me drunk

I'm not going down'm going to be fucking drunk There he had to see me drunk I'm not going down there To do my best job The training I've done Is I've been listening to Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential Aye I'm looking forward to it

Because I think it'll be It's going to be Fucking chaos Yeah Yeah good And that's why I'll be drunk And stoned for it Aye Shall we get drunk after

You fucking losers We are going to go out after though Yeah Yeah A couple of bevs And then And then drive Drive back up on Wednesday

And then we're up in Scabardine Aye I've just been there That's where I was getting at. Oh mate, I had to take the Megabus. I had to, it was a must. I could be struck. The trains couldn't be trusted, there was a strike.

And I had to get there, it was my solo show and I had to get there. And I fucking, I jumped, because I flew in from Belfast to Glasgow and then got straight to the bus into town and then got the Megabus. And it was actually like, everyone was like quite, because the trains weren't strikes, it's people who would usually get a train. So I was looking around going,

oh, this isn't usual Megabus clientele, this is grand. And I looked at myself. And everyone's looking at you being like, this is why I never take the fucking Megabus. People are watching me, I don't know what God damn it Next to me Everyone just ignore him

He's probably just on here Asking for a spare change It was class I really enjoyed Davey's solo show And then afterwards I was backstage And then

The Shauna Who runs the comedy festival Come in And she threw a dog Dog toilet And then That's so Peggy Doesn't chew your tampons.

Your tampons. She had no context. One of our listeners had seen this on Instagram and saw Peggy rode one of Natalie's tampons chewing on it. And then brought us that with that message. It was no quite like Shauna's just like, so Peggy doesn't chew your tampons, mate. You know how your dog gets a period?

Not anymore. Not anymore because it's... Cut a womb out. Right. But when she did... With some father beans. Father beans? Father beans.

Father beans. I'll bring you a paper and you can be a father bean. Get my dad beans out there. Your dad's got a bean And he likes to flick it Your dad's got his clip pierced Trips us all, bud Do you God, what a brutal

I know it's never right To give any girl a boy's name Well not never right But Albert is not a gender neutral name This is my beautiful bouncing daughter Albert Bertha for short Say hello Albert

Hello My name's Albert. My little princess Albert. God, I love her bald head so much. She's seven years old and she's just never, no, no chemo, nothing wrong with her. We just named her Albert and now she's never had any hair. I can't believe you suggested chemo.

She's got a beard. She wouldn't have kept that you know your dog gets well when it did get periods there's no

you don't get dog tampons nah nah yeah I think you can get little like puppy nappies

aye aye just to we just had a free bleed out of the house and I just squirted

like an open artery just everywhere trying to get out the way of it I was like a dog with a horse an open artery Everywhere Trying to get out of the way of it I was like a dog with a horse pipe Snacking away at a period blood Is it just like Is it just like when you don't shake up the ketchup bottle

And you squeeze it Just pink Pink piss Horrible pink piss Wow that comes out instead of ketchup Just batting it away with my hand I've got to get rid of this So I can get to the good thick A horrible pink piss wad out of that comes out instead of ketchup. Just battening away with my hand. I've got to get rid of this so I can get to the good thick stuff.

Yeah, I'm in, Peggy. Giving her a squeeze. Squeezing her boob. Slapping her like the bottle. People come round down the room like, hold on. Do you keep your dog in the fridge You know it doesn't say on it To keep it in the fridge It says

Store in a cool Dry place What's cooler and drier Than a fridge And then going on Facebook To try and start Like a little Interaction with people

Going do you keep Your period dog In the fridge Or in the cupboard Me mate mental Keeps it in the fridge You think that's mental My mate walks

His ketchup Drags you on round the lead, all round the park. He's like, come on then. Ketchup! You know them people that turned it off in the car earlier? Oh God, they're missing out. They really missed a good bit, didn't they? Well, no. No, they missed us enjoying ourselves. It's funny because every now and again I see Matthew write something down and I'm like, well, enough of that to edit this out. He's just playing hangman by himself and it's just a very accurate drawing of himself. Purposefully gets all the letters wrong Even though he knows the word

He wrote the word and he's like Zed again Any more batter? I'll just be charging my batteries mate I'll just charge it up Oh well right So Caelan we've always had him In nappies

Because that's what you're meant to do But the nappies where you They're just down and you fucking wrap it around them You fold it around them like a bit of origami And it's great He's now getting to the stage where it's i'm no longer changing a baby it's the early steps he changes you how did i lose this past i'm very upset but i am glad i don't have to go upstairs to shit

is this the one i've just took off you? The poo's going back in No no no no You know how I was going to go more for it You know how like water drops Join up with each other If I put like a poopy nappy on my bum It can smell the poo inside my butt hole

And it's like oh family It just forms like Voltron I'm now I'm now wrestling a kid into a nappy because all he wants to do is roll over and look at the shit and man I can wrestle a baby

like I'm not a bragger this guy this guy this guy this guy Kat still hasn't bought me a belt yet did I ever tell you about when I overheard

my brother having pata I'll translate that my brother having chat with a girl I was in the bathroom I could hear him chatting just having a smoke

outside right or something and a dog started barking in the other garden wasn't even a big dog you could tell by its bark yappy dog Kat went

I could have that dog started barking in the other garden. Wasn't even a big dog. He fell by its bark. Yappy dog. Gal went, I could have that dog. I must put it in there. We were teenagers, but still. Buddy postured. He's like, I'll chin that dog.

You'll have to get through the fence. You're safe. You're safe here with me, love. What's in this? So, you can wrestle a baby. I can wrestle a baby into it, and it's fine, but it's just like it's the clouds before the storm. Like, it's been so easy to change him

at this point but it was like changing a fucking doll but yeah like one day he's gonna be bigger than me he's gonna be the size of Jack he tried to put his nappy on he's like

damn man you're embarrassing us in front of me friend well not as embarrassed I am with a son that still shits himself so because like

he's grown up he's now he's now no longer a newborn he's grown up he's now no longer a newborn he's now a baby right and he's getting more and more like a baby every single day and it's again these are when the choices of parenthood comes in like obviously in my head now I'm like I don't want him to be

in nappies beyond like three years old which to which the parents out there are probably laughing their ass off at that being like you deluded fuck like in the same way that kyle was here and she was like i just want to breastfeed for six months and then i'll stop then and then we're now eight months in and she loves breastfeeding she loves it so much she's just taking on a job as a witness. And she's like, I don't want to give this up.

It's like such a bonding moment. It's soothing for him. It's soothing for me. And I'm like, man, I don't give a fucking shit. As long as you're happy doing it. But that's also not true because we all know there is. You know, everyone has an age in their head where breastfeeding gets creepy. Because at the moment, he'll do this.

He'll be sucking on One titty He'll be sucking on One of her titties And then with his other hand He'll just be pinching Her other nipple Having a go Imagine

He's been like How's the flow here I'm just checking I'm just checking the pipes On this one You need to change the barrel On this one So I get to do the cell

I get another barrel of milk Aye Can we get some Guinness In this one Old Guinness in this one old Guinness tits alright so with

the nappy changing bit he's now getting to the age where we're

like right I wanted to be at nappies then because I think that's fine I don't want him to be I don't i think this is just me personally and i buy not a lot of people agree with me about whatever you choose to breastfeed be happy with that i think and this is jim jeffries bit so i don't want to get too close to it or stay on it you start doing

an aussie accent if the kid is capable of asking for the milk i I'm like, I'd swear. If the kid's snapping the one-handed bra strap. If the kid is like you, asking for strudel. I'm ready for my strudel. Mother, I'm ready for my strudel now. I think that's a bit off. But then again, everything we've said, we were like, we're not going to give him any screens.

And then we discovered Bluey. And we're like, well, no, we just want to watch watch Bluey. Oh you've made me want to watch Bluey Oh god it's the the best kid show out there because we've watched some other kids stuff and all the other kids stuff is good just in the sense that like it's visually stimulating for them and they like the characters

but like Cocomelon is just a bunch of fucking songs so that's good like we learned some of the songs you can sing it to him but man you can't watch fucking Coco Melon on repeat otherwise you'll put a gun to your head

and just blow your fucking brains out like Into the Night Garden we've never watched it but that was one where when Milo's kids were young he was like

I fucking hate that show so much like because what a torture for them yeah because and the kids just like the safe nature of like I know

what's coming next yeah and it's bright lights it's moving things and sometimes and there's nothing to the show like In the Night Garden there's no like I know what's coming next yeah and it's bright lights it's moving things and sometimes there's nothing to the show like in the night garden there's no like I don't think there's any

like particular story if they are they're not good Bluey is really good animation and you've seen good life lessons good life lessons

really really like I hate to sound like a fucking woke cuck but you know you've also listened to all these episodes of the podcast so you know what I'm like one of the ones was like

so there's Bluey which is the big sister but I'm going to assume she's like three or four and then there's Bingo the little sister who's like I'm going to say three or maybe like five and three is probably the ages and they're all like dad's playing with them both

and he's a bit rough with Bingo. And she just gets upset and she goes outside and her mum comes down and she's like, what's wrong? What's wrong with that leg? Well, I mean,

her dad's a doggy fucking. Just rocked all that. Oh man, absolutely fucking brutal. They're all Rottweilers. It's a really brutal show. Like she came back in with the fucking cone of shame on around her head

And he was like She can't see me coming now Yeah and they draw the blood It's really graphic Really good lessons for kids Which is don't trust pitbulls Either the singer or the dog They

Oh so she's outside and she's upset And her mum's like what's wrong she's like dad was a bit rough with me but I like dad playing

but it was just a bit rough and she's like well you just have to tell dad that like you're allowed to be upset by things but you're allowed to just also explain

what your boundaries are within you know this isn't the way they phrased it she wasn't like you've just got to explain

what your boundaries are within the parameters of the relationship with your father. But, like, that's what it's about. Do you ever remember, like,

your parents getting too rough with you? Only during sex. Same. That was with your parents, but with mine. Well, I mean, never with your parents.

They're always so gentle. I remember getting tickled off my da and I was like obviously laughing my head off because you're getting tickled yeah so it's dead funny

and then I just remember like oh my god this just doesn't end and I can't stop him because I'm laughing I can't stop to tell him and I just remember me tickling laughter just turning into tears

they're like ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha he's just

literally tickled all the happiness out of you and you're like I still need to make noises we've got heaps of crying left use it

they're like they're like Linda Linda I've just found out what's underneath all of the happiness and kind a bountiful of sadness he just buries Linda, Linda, I've just found out what's underneath all of the happiness and kind.

A bounter full of sadness. He just buries it in the joy. Yeah, that was when we worked together at the airport. Yeah. I remember being, I think I was about five or six years old, and we were up in Thurso, and my dad said we were having like a family get together and thing. And my friend Craig had come up. Because I always took my friends up to my grandparents because, you know, otherwise I'd be bored.

And we were climbing a tree in my aunt's back garden. And I fell out the tree. But thankfully, my leg, when I i say thankfully i was at most five or six feet up in the air like i wasn't climbing to the top of the tree i was at the first branch that sticks out and you can climb up but my foot got trapped between the fucking branch and the tree so i'm literally hanging by one foot out of the street i don't have the fucking core strength to like pull myself up and you know and i can't defy gravity and just get my leg and be like oh i'll just pull this out yoink and then lift myself up three feet and

drop myself down to the ground so i'm hanging out with the tea and so i'm like and i'm instantly crying because it's a bit sore and i'm upside down and i'm like oh craig craig look at my dad and i swear to fucking god 10 whole minutes later my dad finally comes out because like he was definitely on a time trial of something he couldn't pause on the playstation no he was just fucking reading and craig was like martin martin martin dad you're stuck in the tree and my dad's like oh yeah oh interest and i'm watching real interest and all good no no but he's really high up in the tree oh wow that's so impressive i can't wait to come out and see no No, you need to come and help him. Well, not just that. And just could not convince this man that his son was in danger. And so eventually.

Because he's howled and laughing. He's crying. He's like, I want fun. He tried to do a single sit-up. Craig's laughing so hard that he eventually toasted tears himself. And that's when my dad started taking him seriously. You should see him up there. He's honestly, he's getting getting so he's getting so upset and eventually i remember just being upside

down like as the last of my blood gets into my brain before it starts coming out my ears and just see my dad coming out being like all right let's see how far up the oh jesus christ the tree box started growing around you. It's been that long. The tree's just claiming you. And then I know my mum. My mum only ever smacked me once. And I think I was like three. Like, I don't remember this.

I thought you were the ketchup bottle. I think I was like three like I don't remember this but my mum she thought you were the ketchup bottle I was being a bit shit in a restaurant and she just

she was at the end of her fucking tether and I kind of expressed to you what a fucking shitty kid I was I think I know aye because you've seen

what an adult like I took out of you with you when you were 19 and you weren't too far removed from your childhood aye aye so I took you with you when you were 19 and you weren't too far removed from your childhood. Aye. Aye.

So I think she like took me to the bathroom because she wanted to smack me in front of other people. Just pulled you in the blades and that. Putting on her knuckle dusters. Well, to be fair, so she had a plastic ring on. I'm in a bad mood. That mood ring. I think it was like a ring that I had bought her.

Like I got it out of like one of those like 20 pence machines that come out. Oh, that you wrap with one pence and paper to put in. What?

You wrap with one pence and paper. And on those machines and it works? Ah, it's a 20 pence. Fucking where were you when I was five?

Oh, 24. I was five? Oh, 24. I asked Chase to get me a shop. You think I was born yesterday? Nobody does. And I'll be like, oh, he wrapped it up in a lottery ticket and wrote down. Check the number.

He wrapped it in a 20 quid. What a stupid kid. Middle class children. So I think she smacked me once and the ring broke because it was cheap shitty plastic. I didn't cry and she did. And then she was like,

from now on I'm never hitting any of my kids ever again. Which is something my mum did fucking regularly. I mean, I've said it on the podcast, but there was a time when he was, like, three or four years old, right? And he was, Matthew was so fucking shit between the ages of, like, two and, you know, about six months ago.

And she was one, I think you and Jack were in the bath, and I don't know what happened, but you were obviously fucking fighting with each other, and my mum yelled and screamed and then got upset that she'd yelled at her kids in such an angry way, because I think it scared them. And I remember just coming down later on

and being like, I'm never shouting again. It doesn't make me feel good. Daniel's up a tree again. He just ran up like a cat. And I'm like, but that's not fair like I'm

I'm 15 you yelled at me for 50 years like these cunts have only had five years of being fucking yelled at and you've had

a fucking epiphany piss off that's not fucking well at least right at least choose that in a month you're going to stop yelling and then every fucking day

you wake them up being like you snorted fucking loud rawr it's like they started another project and went right shouting didn't work last time or I mean look Every fucking day you wake them up being like, you snorted fucking loud. It's like they started another project and went, right, shouting didn't work last time. Oh, I mean, look, it's definitely the right thing.

She was correct in her fucking decisions. Shouting at your kid doesn't really teach your kid anything other than shouting is scary. Like you're not conveying the necessary information. A friend of ours was out for dinner the other day um with a friend of theirs who has like a fucking i think an eight month old kid and like they were out in a restaurant and the kid was just babbling and the dad was just like joseph will you be quiet and you're like oh buddy no buddy, no. First of all, that's not how you speak to babies.

Second of all, that's not how you speak to dogs. That's how you speak to your wife. He was way far down the order there. But man, I can get, man, I get frustrated sometimes with, you know,

if Caelan, he's not being shitty, but man, if he's not going to sleep and he's overtired or whatever, I can understand the build-up. But you don't yell at a baby. You can yell at a five-year-old. I mean, as I've said, I don't think you should. But then again, I'm not going to be like, I'm never going to yell at my kids because I'm fucking sick of going back on my word on this podcast.

So I'm never saying I'll never be anything again. I'm fully open to the possibility that in 10 years I'll be racist. Maybe smashing his little fucking head in. You know what? I hope you're happy, podcast listeners, because I'm not. I saw a kid hit his brother in Abattoir

in the artist bar at the Fringe. He smacked his brother and the dad just grabbed him and ran up towards the corner and just placed him in the corner that doesn't make him a muggle that's not what a muggle corner is, what are you doing? Oh why, I guess it's like, because one of the studies

I say read, one of the studies whose headline I read was saying that like with boys with young boys you kind of have to let them fight each other like little bits because that's how they become aware of their own strength because like it's one of those things where like if you push someone too hard and they fall down and cry because at that age five or six you've developed empathy you then go oh oh fuck oh i shouldn't do that again.

I now know that I'm strong enough to push someone over and hurt them, so I'll need to do that less, whereas they don't learn that lesson if you just don't let them do that. When you hurt someone, when you're fun fighting, you don't go, right, sweet, that worked, noted. I'm perfecting that one.

Turns out that four-year-old's got weak ankles, so if I just go for those i had a thing because you know natalie was like if i ever have kids she'd only want one because she doesn't like want to have like a toddler and a baby like it sounds like hell like fucking why do people put themselves through this uh i had a um thing the other day about if you've got two kids right you know if you're on holiday and there's a queue for the water slide they can queue together you definitely have to go in with them to queue for the water slide like uh you have to entertain a single kid with a couple of kids you can give them a deck of cards i know to be fair i think i think for for pedos that's

like getting a double yoke two unattended children oh we feast I'm having a knee joy getting out of hell one I don't know why I'm coming out at this angle well me and

Graeme and Ali were talking about this today because I was like we definitely want a second one but in my head because Caelan's

been such a dream so far I'm like I think it'll be way harder to have two because like you know today I was able so far I'm like I think it'll be way harder to have two because like you know today I was able to go to Cara I'm up to take a shit and I handed her Cailin and then I could just go upstairs and

shit for you know however long I need to fucking shit for play my phone for a bit and and then but like when there's another you've really done yourself a number because you have the quickest shit ever, known to man, until you've got a baby.

Well, well. And you're just like, oh, I'm just a regular now that I've got sleepless nights. Oh, all that coffee. No, you've got... Remember, I've got a toilet that gives me an enema every time, so I've got to go through that process. The process of cleaning my arse

takes way longer than actually shitting itself. Do you still wipe? Yeah. Do you still wipe? Yeah Aye So you still do a pepper wipe And then give it a wash No No

I just do it with my hand now And just wash my hands But still Still in the toilet Using the Japanese toilet seat Just like Poying at it Like a dog at a fountain

No You sit on the toilet And you make it Spray up your bum Because then it gives you Like a little And then you make it spray up your bum because then it gives you like a little and then and then it like

I mean I've said this before the podcast it starts a little war between the poo left in your bum and the water and it's like you think you're coming in here

I'll fucking show you and it gets all your stuff out and then you've got to blow dry it for a bit is it called a Japanese toilet seat because if you're not sat in it there's a little Hiroshima made in China

I mean Made in America Would have been way better Yeah Yeah A lot better But I didn't say that did I Yeah I mean we've got a

Producer Make me funny Put all of my Misquired jokes Into context please Dude You're going to need to pay me more Yeah sorry Can you also go through all previous episodes of the podcast

And edit in Kai laughing at my jokes please Until I cry Hey let's wrap this up Aye let's do that Thank you very much for tuning in If you would like to become a Patreon member We would also Oh my god what a coincidence We If you would like to become a Patreon member, we would also... Oh my God, what a coincidence.

We would also like you to be a Patreon member. No way. We were just thinking that. That's mad. You got to the end of an episode and that takes a special breed of people in. And then we cultivate. You've got three quid.

You've got three to five quid a month. How do you know That that money You're sending To the kid in Africa Is actually getting there A lot of charities Are just like fronts

For people to like Tax wash their stuff Like you know It's just a front for them To basically money launder And like they'll put like Maybe one percent of the donations in You don't know

There's no proof that UNICEF Is giving all this money. Do you want me to say that we're going to save a kid in Africa? Aye. Just to make you have a better... Because I'll lie for money. If you send me three quid,

I'll feed a kid in Africa to the lion. Three quid. I'm just saying, there's no guarantee that any of your money is going to those little Saudi Arabian donkeys.

Right? You don't know. I can guarantee you your money on the Patreon is coming to buy me Air Jordans. And isn't that what you want to see? Your money well spent. It's keeping them in sneaks. It is, but it also keeps the podcast coming out two a week, so thank you very much. Anyways, we get to pay Matthew and Jack

who are the ones that now edit this together and make it better and we're adding more stuff to the podcast as we go and hopefully increasing the quality. Bye. Bye.