Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.32: Centurion

Episode Date: May 18, 2023

The last public episode before the Sloss wedding, Muggins and Cream talk preparations and unearth the most cringe moments of when they were unspoken for. Kai tries to rationalise his newly discovered discrimination.

Hello fuckers, welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Thank you so much for tuning in. We are reunited after like a week of being away from each other. I was at home being a present father and a negligent husband. Well, fiancé technically. I'm obviously getting married soon. We discussed that on the podcast. We are giddy and silly and say horrible things.

And yeah, Kai's on tour. are giddy and silly and say horrible things and yeah Kai's on tour, he's got a show at the Soho Playhouse, no Soho Theatre in London, 27th of this month which is May so go see that because it's being recorded, there's two shows so go and see one or the other one

but yeah, I don't care where you are, go and see it Enjoy this episode ignore all the slander about me in it. It's all... It's all... Look, it's like any time something bad happens to Bobby Lee. Look, it's just a story we were telling. And none of it really happened.

It's fine. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Enjoy. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit Inside your head That makes you laugh

Woohoo Ha ha ha They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh muggles Accidental Ramp job in the park

Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up On fuckin' muggle-a-pedia Where have you been Since 9-11? Got anything to talk about? Gettin' married this week

Or anything? Erm I Feel nervous? How cold are your feet? Ah Ah hot Hot feet since 9-11 got anything to talk about? getting married this week or anything? I feel nervous how cold are your feet? ah hot hot feet I just got the

price of my dancing you got hot feet you're going to get married prematurely quickly running in do your bows sorry baby I got hot feet

what do people mean when they say are you nervous before you get married? it's because you're running an event. So there's loads of stuff. Like, even if you're running a comedy event, like, if you're running something. Did people ask you if you were nervous when you were running Punch Drunk?

No, but, like, there was definitely concerns running through my mind. I wouldn't say I was not nervous in the early stages of running an event. You know, like, I'd have anxiety dreams about like the comedians not turning up. So like, I don't think when people ask me if I get nervous, it's about like, are you nervous about your choice of wife? I don't think that's what it is. You don't think so?

I don't, I mean, unless it's got lost in translation somewhere, but the nerves you get from your wedding are not to do with like, oh my God, I've made a terrible decision. Or like, I always think like, are you nervous? And I'm like, why my god I've made a terrible decision I always think, are you nervous? and I'm like, why, what do you know? like, has she said something?

should I be nervous? is she not going to turn up? no, I just don't maybe some people do have their nerves maybe some people do have their like what if she changes her mind oh man I can't imagine living in that I mean, very funny if Cara does that Like, what if she changes her mind? Oh, man.

I can't imagine living in that. I mean, very funny if Cara does that to me now, because I would not see that coming. I would not. I've got my claws in deep. You would feel absolutely duped if she turned around now. You'd be like, how the fuck did I fall for that? She had a kid, man.

That is commitment. That is unbelievable. And she definitely loves him. So I don't know what her after plan was here. She hasn't even got me doing a prenup yet. She gets half of all my shit if she marries him. It's silly to walk away after the wedding, bitch. The whole economy of this is entirely wrong. wedding bitch yeah you get the whole economy of this is entirely wrong um i mean i'm gara's gara's not uh gara doesn't seem to be nervous gara doesn't seem to be stressed either like there was

there was a point like three weeks ago or two weeks ago where i can't remember what i said i asked i went do we have this and she was like yes we have that and this do you pay attention to any of this i'm like most of it but like a lot of the time i the second you go it's sorted my brain goes oh grand sorted bye i'll not take space up remembering that that's a fucking thing you clearly said to me previously that i got it covered and now um she was like you in a very funny way she would not genuinely but she's just like you've done so little and I'm like

I agree I've done so little apart from the main bit I didn't even have that I couldn't even say that really that was mostly her no no no I paid myself by the bit I've been involved in

a lot of it like and actively wanting to be like please include me in this there's just some shit that i'm i'm less interested in and also memory retention was never my side of the thing that was never the that's not our part in the partnership yeah my job is to go away uh book things maybe uh purchase things look out things and come back with options for decision making it's not have you also had the thing where it's your side of the wedding that's been really bad at replying oh yeah all of her mates like as soon as they get their email they've got their menu choices yeah and then you've got friends who still now even though you

know they're coming because you've spoken to them they still haven't clicked attending on that people who I know are in their emails every fucking there are

at least three comedians who were invited to the wedding who are not coming to the wedding because on three separate occasions I'm like

check your junk mail look I've sent you an email inviting you to a wedding and they're like cool man three comics just not coming because I'm like

I'm not nudging people more than twice Do you think you'll have people turn up because they've got the invite and they haven't replied? I think Cara would slit their fucking throats if they turned up without RSVP, absolutely I reckon she's going to I would take real pride in just sitting them with no table

on a chair to watch people eat I just can't man this is on you this dude you sit there while I eat my food that we ordered and we all put the order in

yeah oh you don't remember no I thought you wouldn't that's why you fucking sat there in the corner of shame no Cara's got one of her bridesmaids fucking like just up in a tree

with active camo on with a fucking blade between her teeth wearing a ghillie suit yeah yeah yeah and they've got like it's so funny bridesmaid dresses a ghillie suit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be so funny if the bridesmaid dresses in ghillie suits.

Just in full fucking bits of bush hanging off them and that. Not like that. She's up there with night vision goggles and a guest list. And just every time somebody gets out of taxi, she cross-references. And if it's some drunk cunt who did, she's like, man, I know he knows Ian Sterling, but

Ian Sterling didn't say in the emails that he's coming I get it I get I gotta kill the voice of Love Island it's me Ian Sterling oh man

I love that for a 1pm start they're wearing night vision goggles they're just there just bleaching the whole field of vision evening evening guests evening guests even they can't arrive uninvited night vision goggles they're just there just bleaching the whole field of vision evening

evening guests evening guests even they can't arrive uninvited even the evening guests I mean that's sort of I didn't mean it

because I'm so poetic even the evenings even evening guests because evening guests surely like if a couple of just like taggers on come along

there's no there's no like scene plan there's no moving parts that are going to be fucked up by the introduction of an extra person

absolutely fucking not not only is that not okay I've been telling people I need you to know that your duty is if there is someone at that wedding

that I do not know and I've never met in my life and it's not been pre-cleared with me they are getting knocked the fuck out and dropped at the

side of a road I told Tom Horton he could bring a date well looks like you're knocking out a woman you better hope he you better hope he's

going through a gay phase right now because otherwise you're punching a chick buddy I'm not trying to knock out a poof how's that any better

I don't know no idea that was worse no idea I couldn't I was worse I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't punch a homosexual man Nah

Nah That's homophobic I know That is homophobic But like Is it misogynistic That I couldn't punch a woman Erm

No Because Well it depends which woman Like I think Right Would it be worse Right Would it be worse

To punch a really butch masculine woman or a really camp effeminate guy? Oh, fuck Jesus. Okay. Who would it be

more appropriate to fight? Susan, Susan, not Susie McCabe or Craig Hill. Who would it be least appropriate

to fight with? Well, Susie McCabe. No, no, we're talking professional fighters so it's going to have to be like, we're talking Misha Tate or Craig Hill who would it be least appropriate to fight with well Susie McKay no no we're talking professional fighters so it's going to have to be like

we're talking Misha Tate and like Adam Kay here no Misha Tate I think Misha Tate was a bad choice Cyborg

well even then because Misha Tate is actually still quite feminine aye but she'd kick me arse aye that's what

I'm saying though so okay but Chris Cyborg if you've got Chris Cyborg is it worse to hit Chris Cyborg if you got Chris Cyborg is it worse to hit Chris Cyborg or Adam Cate

it's absolutely oh fuck me okay oh boy okay where's the line like this is why I just blank

and I won't punch any of them I'd get beat up I'd get beat up I think you I think you need to I think you need to grow up and you need to punch a homosexual man

that's that's a really bigoted thing there there there they've been fisted enough it's I think you need to I think you need to grow up And you need to Punch a homosexual man That's That's a really bigoted thing There there there They've been fisted enough It's It's It's Aye

I'm gonna roll over it It's It's Bigoted to bash them Obviously you can't gay bash them That and it's That's an actual Fucking hate crime

But if you just bash a man Who happens to be gay No but if you're not Beating him up Because he's And if he does You know No, but if you're not beating him up because he's, and if he does, you know, if a gay man hits you,

you're not hitting him back. Nat. Nat. See, if he hit Natalie, he's getting chipped. Here's how I know you're being homophobic.

Because like, man, there's going to be fucking gay guys out there who are just like, Oh yeah, martial artists. Aye, aye. You're not, you're being homophobic because like there's gonna be fucking gay guys out there who are just like martial artists aye aye

you're not you're not you're not punching a gay martial artist I'd be like I'm gonna get roasted off my

mitts for this while I'm getting chinned it's homophobic it's such a weird state I'm not you know what

I struggle to fight anybody who's marginalised you know what I struggle to fight anybody who's marginalized you know that guy oh fucking idiot it's Captain Luke I just I feel like you'd need

more of an excuse you'd need more like I've I've punched white guys that I've like let off the hook of the black I don't know how to justify

what I'm saying but it's true I don't know how to justify what I'm saying but like I'm going to need way more of an excuse to punch someone

if it looks like it could be interpreted as a hate crime okay what's your oppression line then, right? So are you punching a disabled person? No. You're punching a trans person? Nah. Are you punching...

I don't know which way... The joke was that one is better than the other. Not a good. Which type? Traitor or Evolved? Which one? Hey, you don't know which one was which until they pick it in your head. I gave you the two cruel titles.

If you apply this somewhere. Whichever one you think traitor is and whichever one you think Evolved is, there was no answer. Aye, you're the bastard Aye They're both Twitterists

People who've evolved Right Are you Eh Met Autistic Punching an autistic person Aye

Nah ADHD I don't The worst thing is like Mebby's I Don't know they're autistic And like mebbes I don't know they're autistic and I just feel like

they're crossing the line I could accidentally oh okay so what happens if you don't know somebody's gay and then you've chinned them how do you feel I mean make it clear dude

like start the fight like this or something we need Craig Hill back on this podcast I just did a podcast for Ruben K did you did I say that no

class really good oh great what did you ask him about his cancellation and things aye the whole the whole thing

Was unpacking And not being able To do his show Because of the Walk right Aye It's really interesting Because I was saying

The groups that Have turned on him For the joke That he did On the project They would never Have turned on you For doing the same joke

It's because he Wears make up Aye It's because he wears makeup all right it's because he's gay and they've got an agenda like i was saying if ricky gervais done any of his religious stuff they'd just be like it's fine but they're just using it as a hook like we can get him for this so like it is it is actual fucking from a place of hate oh well man as long as as long as we had reuben k on recently then we can say whatever we like now that's that that buys us grace for a bit, I think. That's all right.

At least another couple of podcasts. Yeah, and also I'm going to like recent Karen's wedding in September. And they're coming to yours? Yeah, see? And there's no longer a gay table. That's why it's not in the church. Did he have a gay table?

Cara accidentally. Oh my goodness She didn't realise it until I pointed out So we've named all of our Tables after Whiskies And our table favours are Everyone gets a mini of that whisky on their table

So Cara's having me Look through it I'm out of the famous gross So here's the first problem Cara asks me to do something I'm out of the famous gross so here's the first problem Cara asks me to do something I'm like I'll absolutely do it

she's like give me a list of all your favourite whiskies and I'll have it and I'm like brilliant I will get that done

alright I'll list like five I forget what I'm doing I get distracted by somebody else I go away do something Cara basically goes

I'm just going to fucking go downstairs and I'm going to look at the whiskies that he's got there and that's what I'll name the tables afterwards.

The English. Mark Nelson's out of the English. It does mean there is some disparity and really, really In class. We go from Laphroaig

to Jura to Talisker to Monkey Shoulder. And there's going to be people with... Stone for black people with Monkey Shoulder. You haven't got any black friends, what am I saying? Hey, hey, hey, that's uncomfortably true, okay? They're coming to the wedding.

I can, if you were to mix a bunch of them together, we would get a dark enough skin tone that maybe one black... Are you counting Natalie? I'm just saying no, no, but I'm saying if I were to add Natalie to Sid and Rooney. them together we would get a dark enough skin tone that maybe one black are you cutting natalie i'm just saying no no but i'm saying if i were to add natalie to sit and rooney oh yeah if we was like blend them up which is not what i'm saying so you're saying uh three bros make a black i'm asking if three blood i'm not saying i'm not saying anything for certain um no so we've got all of our tables. So for people that don't drink whiskey,

and whiskey's not their favourite thing, we're sticking them at the monkey shoulder table, because they don't care. That's the smoothest whiskey. It's the biggest one. I don't like monkey shoulder. All right. They get the tasty whiskey at their table

for non-whiskey things. Oh, yeah. We're putting other people at their favourite ones, and then Cara just goes is it any of your friends hate each other like can't sit at tables with each other and I'm like no I don't think so it is interesting that you sat

all of the homosexuals at one table together and she was like no I haven't and I'm like that is a table of nine homosexuals they don't even know each other no no they don't oh they will by the end of the day they know each other real well But also that

You can't do You cannot at a wedding Just have a table of gays Oh but but but What if she went There's a bunch of straight people On that table On that table

No No No Because all the other straight tables Are going to be looking at the gay table Being like Well that's How come I'm not at the fun table

You've got to Man You have to You have to you have to like see throw the gays out there to keep it going

like they're there to keep the plates spinning you've got you know grace everyone like if you have

a comedy bill full of women that means you've got a comedy bill that doesn't have a woman on it because they're all in one place

because there's only four of them there's four of them there's only four of them and we make sure of that so have you So have you displaced The gays We've spread the gays out

We've Seasoned the party with them Spread the plague If you will No So we've got them Separated from each other And the one lesbian

Who's a lesbian? I mean Elliot Steele It's Elliot Steele Elliot Steele Oh yeah Elliot Steele is a good asshole Yeah yeah yeah, yeah

So You've got the table So you had no part in the table No, you did have a part in the table So we're going back to what you've done for the wedding Which is very little So Cara does a thing And then you just like form in it

Like a council worker That just comes and checks the tradies job And then gives a couple of little insights for them to do yeah and then you walk away going i i have full control over this no no i'm not i'm not i'm not deluding myself to thinking that i am putting in an equal share of like effort and energy into it but i feel like i are like i was one that was like we're getting a wedding planner because there's a bunch of conversations you're going to want to have that i'm just not going to want to have talking about certain bits of art decor that i just will not have an opinion on so she's you know she's she's got her wedding our wedding planner who's been fucking great it's man we've

had two and a half years to plan it it's all been good and also she's not stressed so like like her annoyance is, just comes from a place of, like, it's really annoying that you've done less than me. And I'm like,

yeah, but you're not stressed. So, meh. Like, I'm sorry, but I'm, you know,

I'm busy. And also, I don't want to. I proposed to you. It's your win. It touched your last. Yeah, yeah.

Do you want to get married? Well, ha ha. You can't take your butchers. That's it, Max Max let's throw a party forever I would say I think she would

it would be fair to say that I've done 30 to 35 percent of the wedding would she have liked me to have done more yes if Cairns went

and he got annoyed about something that happened I found it funny but like you but if it happened at your wedding, would you be annoyed? One of the guests, I reckon you'll be able to guess who it is, right? Left after the starter, right? So the main course is coming, and he's like,

wait, lads, I've got to shoot because I've got a shotgun getting delivered. I've got to be in for it because my last kind of sign for it fucking I've got to go and get a sign for the shotgun Rouge? Of course it's Rouge and then

Can was like who's left before he's made I was like it's alright grassy lead it grassy ate it I was right I was like

it'd be too stressful the meal's not going to get out of the way so you didn't spend you'd spend that money anyway and then he was like and how would you not just think it's a bit rude that he's leaving? He couldn't get the shotgun delivered any day.

And I was like, you invented rouge at your wedding, and he left for one of the most rouge reasons. You've got a rouge story at your wedding? Like, just chill, just chill a bit. Would you be fucking pissed off if before the man arrived, somebody fucked off to save for a shotgun?

Yeah, absolutely. I don't think I'd be pissed, but I would just like, mentally in my head, would do that thing you did when you were a teenager on Bebo and one of your friends did something to annoy you

and you just fucking moved them down that top 16. Oh, yeah. Like, if you left after the start for some, any fucking reason at all, because you could have just been like, I can only come to thee. The amount of people

you could have invited to the daytime. Like, I knew it was my job to diffuse and make sure I didn't ruminate it, right? So I knew it was my job to try and spin that, to just be like, it's all right, mate. Fucking things are going to happen. Enjoy your day and all that, right? So I knew it was my job.

But, like, there's so many people that could have been sat at that table having the meal and enjoying the whole day that didn't have to sign for a shotgun. Why does he need a shotgun? It's such a funny... It's such a... Like shotgun why does he need a shotgun it's such a funny it's such a

like I just I feel like it's such a even though Cannes like not from Blithe Amy is

it's a Blithe wedding that if somebody has to leave for a shotgun like I don't feel I don't feel like that

be happening anywhere else in the world bar Texas how was the rest of your Australia trip? I chilled out a bit Because wheels come off the bus for me

And that make me Bartlett man Do they? He just drinks fast He's a fast drinker You're going rounds with him And then you look at his drinking I'm not going to be fucking showing up. So you end up drinking way more of a skinful

than you would at your regular pace. So Sydney, I spent it drunk. And then I started pulling myself together in Perth. Was that right? So there's not a great deal to report from Perth. I just handled my business, just done my gigs, done a couple of podcasts. I went with Daniel Fernandez

from Mumbai and Ruben K. And tried to get back in the gym, but you know, token gesture. You know, when you're in there

and you're like, I've already done the hard bit, but this bit also feels hard. The hard bit's getting in the gym, but nobody mentions the second hard bit, lifting stuff up. It was difficult.

And I've stopped vaping. Since? The 5th. It's the 7th today. Is it actually? No, we'll do it. 14th. Oh, there we go.

That's not bad. Nine days. Nine days, new record, PB. You got it, mate? I've been fucking completely off it. Also, man, I've been fucking, I've been fucking completely off it Also man I've been fucking I've been tested I'm beyond it now

At least with the Vapes How are you going to date a win? Oh man fine Man Everyone's going to be vaping You're going to be drunk That third stag do

Was the drunkest I've been on any of the stag dos and Gene was vaping in front of me Is that because there's no drugs involved? I really feel like you can get really old man drunk. I always call it Nick Nolte drunk from Warrior If there's no coke bringing you to the front of your brain

they'll just go, look, put your hands on the wheel, put your hands on the wheel, you've got this drive. I really feel like coke just gets you fucking right in the front where it's like you'll just climb in the back and make yourself comfortable

and the fucking car goes off the road if you're just drunk aye so was it that level I'd man that I saw your Instagram it did look fun

oh Jesus did you spew no no do you know I found an old I did break my toe and I have no idea how.

And it is like... That is broken. Oh, yeah. Your little toe as well. Yeah. You know what the brutal thing is about breaking your toe? Fuck all you can do. Literally nothing.

You know, if you went into the doctors or the A&E, they'd gone, broken that, off your pop. Man, so I was at my mate Big Alex's last night, and he's like, man, you have to go to hospital. And I'm like, I'm not going to hospital for a broken toe because they're just going to laugh me out. They're going to go, yes. Man, it's the same if you break your ribs,

doctors just go, well, I mean, it's not pierced your lung, so. Aye. Have a good day, buddy. Yep. Careful, be careful. I wish you all the best. Oh, a broken tailbone. That fucking knacks.

Tell you what... Can you tell anybody tailbone? It's already fused, that one. A coccyx is like several vertebrae fused as one, isn't it? So, there you go. You've just defused them. No, but genuinely, like, so... Jean was meant to

be in Australia when we were in Australia and we were meant to be doing at Best Bitch Day there which she'd organised for months and had failed to get it to my attention because not through lack of trying

she kept telling me to check your schedule she was like how often does Marlena change your schedule and I'm like no idea that would require checking my schedule and she would require Checking my schedule

And she would keep Hinting at it Hinting at it Eventually I realised It's to book this thing Can't happen Because her mother Passed away

So she was over here for it She's now over here Now It's a week to the wedding She's staying at the house We managed To get our best pitch day in And

I got Hunted to drunk it's good a real we joined you pretty early on in your night and fed you some gins and whiskies

yeah so me and Ali went and joined them for like three hours in the middle of it two hours something yeah we joined you

we were there two and we left my train was at five so like just three hours or thereabouts it was the best thing that she'd made the right call and then you were still going

like way later in the evening she was like we're gonna go to the first place for 12 oh shit we're gonna go to the first place for 12 because day drinking's the best because man you just get really really drunk

and then when you go to bed it's not five in the fucking morning went to a couple bars met you, got more and more drunk, definitely had not eaten enough. So drunk,

I cannot remember the end of the evening. Go back, don't remember talking to Cara. Don't know how you broke your toe. No idea. No idea. And man, and it was like,

when it was swollen twice as hard as it was, it had like really horrible purple, fucking blue bruising all around the fucking side of it Are you getting swoll feed? No don't repeat it That wasn't the problem That wasn't the problem

Surely Surely something that fucking painful Should be a core memory You'd think so Surely it breaks through The blackout drunkness Something that fucking painful should be a core memory. You'd think so. Surely it breaks through the blackout drunkness of it. Yeah. But there's nothing.

Because there's an impact at some point. Yeah. Uh-huh. Because remember when I broke my heel? Yes. I jumped down an entire flight of stairs in the nightclub. Yes, in Milton Keynes. Which looked class when I did it. Okay. It looked incredible. To who? Everyone in the nightclub yes in Milton Keynes which looked class when I did it em okay

it looked incredible to who everyone in the club but it was leaving the club like who realised how many people actually saw it the last time

that was Spooner Tate she saw it she looked up and was like whew yeah the doorman turned his back on the door

and it'd be like a lot of people got in because they worked past Because they were passed out Like Right He For one He passed out like

I clutched my pearls You did He sat down And I saw a napkin And then he fell He's too dangerous And then The guy

The guy in the Comms room on CCTV put all of the, he replayed them, all of the cameras on that replay from different angles, like a war room. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. From every angle. Everyone loved it. I woke up in the morning. I was like, I remember how class that was. Jumping in the stairs that night.

That's how I broke my heel. Core memory. For everyone that night, core how I broke my heel core memory for everyone that night core memory was this also just to clarify is this also the story where

after months of not doing anything about your broken foot you go to the doctor and it healed immediately no no no that was a separate that was we've talked about

that on the podcast in fact we clipped that you can find that somewhere on the internet but yeah when that was when doing Muay Thai

I couldn't do Muay Thai because my foot was fucking clearly broken oh no no I wanted to know was your foot actually broken

can you remember that Milton Keynes trip was the one way I kept doing that thing where I grabbed me sole of my shoe is it called threading where you jump through your foot

and then take my shoe off and go mum I did it I did the thing yeah in front of the girls right now I'm really impressed unsurprisingly

that was not one of the nights we got laid under none of the nights were no no we did alright I remember I remembered something about you you know got laid under none of the nights were no man we did alright I remember I remembered

something about you you know that you would suppress this memory and totally hate about yourself and you're

going to be gutted that I've brought it back up because you just wanted to hope that this I think I know what it is

immediately does it weigh on your shoulders yeah I'm almost certain I know exactly what you're talking about Matthew your brother

was trying as he might to get to 100 fucks right and when he was getting to like 70 odd he was getting there right

he was gonna throw a toga party and call himself a centurion and invite all his friends around to wear togas to celebrate him fucking 100 women.

He was going to do that? He was going to? And what it probably went, what it probably went, okay, we're going to regret this in the future. This is probably going to come up. It is. It's so very much like,

there's something so tory about it. It's like what they do at like Eaton. Like it's the, it's the really old burn money in front of the opens. First of all,

first of all, that is absolutely true. I did say, I did suggest that several times, but it was never going to happen. It was always,

it was always, you were planting the seed like, nobody let it grow. It was always hyperbole nobody invested in your project everyone was like

oh yeah cool cool no I can I can prove because Jean me and Jean

were talking about this the other day Jean the fucking enabling man there was most of that story is true. It was very important to me at the time of my life to fuck 100 different women.

I had my 20s. That was your 30s. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was.

It was. And it was my early 20s. Thank you very much. It was. It was. I'm going to put a year on it and you can tell us what age you were. It was 2011 was I'm going to put a year on it And you can tell us what age you were It was 2011

21 There we go Bye Nonetheless Jean would make me Baked goods Every time I got to A milestone

Yeah man She made me a cake at 25 She made me a bigger cake at 25 And then she made me a cake at 25 she made me a bigger cake at 25 and then she made like little cupcakes with like labias and tits

and dicks and things on it it was look it was a different time so funny can I tell you something about me I used to have

actual notches on my bedpost no no Daniel I was a teenager. Right, okay. I lived at my parents'.

Right. What was for real sex and what was for wanks? It was... Nothing left. Just one bedpost with one neck in it. A pile of sawdust. A pile of sawdust with a Newcastle United duvet on it. Looks like a fucking beaver's been at it.

There had been beaver at it, that's why it was not... Come on, man. But... It was at my mum and dad's house. I'm so deeply ashamed about the talk about you. It's so bad I remember it the other day because do you know

I found a file of photos right that aren't in my iPhotos basically in my old Mac it used to have like before iPhotos

communicated with your phone right you just had your downloaded photos and when I when that Mac was done I exported them into a file

and there's fucking thousands right but they're all you i can't drag and drop them in iphotos i've tried so there's no way of flicking through them you have to click each of them individually to open them and i just went through looking at the thumbnails and just opening stuff up i've got a weird amount of you spewing i've got loads just loads just you getting older a flick book of you getting older hanging over the bog hoeing up

I think we did go through a phase where everything we were spewing on fucking there we would just send each other photos of it because

because boys because boys are gross so many photos where like people have just stole my phone and took a bunch of photos always funny anyway

you're just like you're scrolling through no wonder there's tens of thousands. Loads of them are just me mate's face. So anyway, it just reminded us about that time, and fucking that memory just comes to us, and I'm like, oh, Daniel will hate that. He will hate that memory. That memory has been excavated from the archives of me mind.

You needed to kill me yesterday. Yeah, yeah. Man, I'm so glad you didn't do it that would come up amongst other comics man I think it would come up in the news and rightfully

it would be definitely mentioned because I remember the notches on my bedpost thing only because Can brought it up the other week at his wedding. What did you cut it in with? Mate, I just scratched it in with a fucking school compass. It's the fucking sharp edge. And when you say you scratched notches into your bedpost, how many notches?

It was bottom bunk in my mum and dad's house. Don't worry, boys at home. I know a lot of you are worried about the structural integrity of this bed and poor Gav up there. He was never in it. Yeah, yeah. So there was seven notches. Gav had motion sickness.

I got seven. I think seven's a good number to get on with when you're still living with your parents. Well, it depends. How long did you live with your parents for? I moved out when I was 22. I didn't. I stopped before I was 22.

I wasn't still notching my bedpost at 22. I don't think I was anyway. I was with the same girl for five years, so I stopped before that. Well, right. So we don't know if you did stop. You might have actually still been doing it. We just...

Well, when I moved out, it was around about then when I broke up. I didn't continue notching my bedpost when I moved into my house. That was a brand new bed. And I owned it. It wasn't my parents'. I notched the bedpost, Daniel. Oh, God, I know, man. I know what we used to be.

You were about to wear a toga. If you had ever reached 100, you would have ended up doing that. Oh, what an interesting corner you've backed me into. Growth versus ego. Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! We're trying to win! It was a draw! Oh man... I did get to 100 oh so so growth died growth died in that exchange it was growth's neck that was broken it seemed like you were

snapping your own collective neck no it was eco snapping growth's neck Jekyll won Jekyll was the bad guy right sounds like the bad guy's name would be weird ifekyll was the bad guy right Sounds like the bad guy's name It would be weird if Hyde was the bad guy

Well Frankenstein Huh Do you think Frankenstein's the bad guy Frankenstein's a good guy Is he You know what I think the monster is Called Frankenstein Of course he named it after himself

Fuck off No but it's Frankenstein Aye aye It's a fucking Aye he's called Frankenstein Peyton Peyton Pendon The monster's called Adam

fuck off is it after the first man you've been done I should read it we watched a play of it during lockdown when the national theatre

when the national theatre put all their fucking stuff online. Me and Carol were like, we'll do this every week when we did it once because that's what lockdown was. I'll be better next week. Did you tell yourself that you would go to more music gigs and more theatre and stuff? Oh man, mid-lockdown being like, man, you know what, maybe this is

now that we're locked in here, it's going to get me to go out and see more music. You know, even though I fucking hate music, it doesn't really do anything for me. It got me to appreciate sitting in the house day and night. I got a real appreciation for just fucking drinking wine when we miss us. Aye.

And then you got it locked in. I'm like, yeah, no, I'm absolutely fine with never going to a concert ever again in my life. Actually, that's, maybe not never again. I'm off to to I'm doing a our mini moon is us with Lewis Capaldi

I spotted that you missed the Glasgow one because you're going to be getting married and then you go to Bristol instead and and I think he's doing he might be doing other ones

and we'll be doing those just little Q&A's with him and then he does private shows are you going to ask the questions yes yeah I've done it before.

That was when I first met Lewis in Edinburgh all those years ago and obviously he was already fucking massive then and then everything. And he did The Body Shaman, mate. Hey, hey, hey, got to keep him in line. He's obviously now with several more number ones in his new album that's coming out.

I still haven't watched his documentary yet and Natalie says I have to watch it i've i've heard it's very very good me and kind of gonna watch before like more money more problems hi we want to i've got i've got to watch it but we probably it's one of the things we're just watching it together um but i keep saying to cara i'm like it's really we can't wait for it because man, it's so cool to fucking get to just hang around with him and talk to him. He's just a very normal person. But in like 25 years time, 30 years time,

when our kids are away, I go, what did you do after your wedding? And we go, oh, we spent two days with Lewis Capaldi. Man, that's been like,

we hung out with Elton John for a week. Yeah. Like it's going to be real. Do you think it's going to be like, you know, them old photos where you see like Tupac and Robbie Williams? No, I think think no not for lewis no i think no not even not even i think it's going to be dude he's he's tupac

i'm not robbie williams paul dunan yeah two-pack man paul dunan yeah it was in Tupac Paul Dunant yeah way way way have you seen the Instagram account of Paul Dunant official

I don't even know he's the other Take That member no no like minus celeb that's in some celeb stuff

I don't even think he's famous for anything find out what Paul Dunant did to get famous but I think he's very much like fucking

Joe Swash you know like just somebody that's famous. But I think he's very much like fucking Joe Swash, you know, like just somebody that's famous and they've been in some things, but like, what's your skill? So somebody has made a parody account of him and they get photos of Paul Denaan with different celebrities and then get him telling a story about that celebrity and the things that they've done. And it's all just like absolutely,

it's like boring James Milner account, you know? know it's just taking absolutely far-fetched bullshit it was a celebrity and it's one of the funniest things he was in Hollyoaks for four years oh god and then Love Island in 2006 to that too no idea no so anyway that's who you'd be I think that's accurate so you've got

your mini moon's going to be with Lewis Capaldi yes and Bristol well not on the evenings we're going to go and then you go away

for your actual honeymoon in November in November fucking ages away remember um my 18 month honeymoon with you hi because your netflix specials came out the day after the wedding and then we went on a three month tour and i went on for until lockdown yeah that fucking weird time in our lives i did manage to have my honeymoon in the middle of that though

because it's christmas and new year where did you go to i went i went to um cape town done some vineyards and stell and bosh went to a music festival on new year's day um in cape town and then flew to mauritius and had a weekend on the beach in mauritius it's very idyllic It was so funny as well because when I proposed, did you see the shape of me when I proposed? Ridiculous. I was plump on my honeymoon. It was like, psych, motherfucker. I guess we'd just done a fucking massive tour.

Stuff happened. But also she didn't care either way. Nah, I hated that. I'd be much more motivated by someone shallow. But then she wouldn't be with us in the first place So it's a quandary isn't it Schrodinger six pack I'm going to say that's a new hack Schrodinger's anything

It's become like it used to be something that like only smart people said and then it was discussed in big bang theory and now everyone knows what schrodinger's cat is and now it's like a or on really that's a confusing joke so i'm gonna throw this you say it you say to look smart instead of to be smart you know what the um what i always find is the best litmus test for somebody saying something to look smart instead of to be smart. You know what I always find is the best litmus test for somebody saying something to look smart is when they say a myriad of ways. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Myriad means 10,000. A 10,000 of ways. It's a myriad ways. Not even a, myriad ways. Not even a. How would you? Myriad ways. There are myriad ways to do that thing. There are 10,000 ways. But if you go, there are a myriad ways not even a myriad ways there are myriad ways to do that thing there are 10 000

ways but if you go there are a myriad of ways it sounds like you're saying the right thing but there are 10 000 of ways to doubt that you're a child you're getting it wrong so if ever you're reading a book or if ever you're listening to stand up and they say a myriad of and i've come across both i'm like you think you're smart but smart, but you're not. Of course. You're smart simulation. I can't imagine how many of those I've actually got just in my head. Because I know I'd say words,

I'm just like, that's a smart word, that if you were to put a gun to my head, what's that mean? I'm like, fucking, I can use it in context. They're like,

no, you can't. That's why we're here, buddy. That's what the gun's there for. ATM machine. It's an ATM machine that's the mouth mouth so where are we at in your journey

well we've got every single day now is not busy but like like we've got it was so funny you know every single day now is not busy, but like, like we've got, it was so funny,

you know, I was just like, I've got my schedule for the buildup to the wedding. And I went to have a look at the schedule, thinking it was all going to be wedding related. And it was like, put the car in for a service and the gym, we're killing swimming lessons and PT session. And I'm like,

Oh, you've just dragged us over to your regular week's plan. Like, Gara and I are both, oh, you've just dragged us over to your regular week's plan. Like, Cara and I are both getting excited because obviously we're throwing this big fucking party that we cannot wait to have. But,

neither of us are excited about like, the act of getting married because we are, like in our heads, we're like, man, we live together and we have a son

and like, nothing is going to change. It's like, last week of freedom, you're like we're already married yeah we live together and we have a son and like nothing is going to change it's like last week of freedom you're like what do you mean freedom I'm free I know I chose

I chose monogamy with my freedom I'm not gonna yeah like this is it's this we're all we're already into you know

the rest of our lives together this is just you know if one of us dies it's easier legally now and as well it's nice for Cale not to be a bastard you know he if one of us dies, it's easier legally now. And as well, it's nice for Caelan not to be a bastard, you know.

He's not a bastard for you or anything. He's not a bastard for you or anything. And he's been a bastard. We're recovering bastards. Bastard Jon Snow. Aye. But all, so Cara's version of excitement comes out in her just being like, you should go try it on your kilt.

And I'm like, right, this is because you can't try it on your dress and show it to me. So like, you'll be like, go try it on your kilt. And I'm like, right, this is because you can't try on your dress and show it to me. So like, you'll be like, go try everything. And also it's because I lose things and we need to double check

that we've got fucking everything there. Caelan's been in his kilt like three times this fucking week. And there's been the occasional time when she'll be like,

I'm getting stressed about this. And I'm like, are you getting stressed about it? Which is obviously the worst thing to say in that situation. I'm not like, are you getting stressed? But James is like, I feel to say in that situation I'm not like are you getting stressed but jobs is like I feel like a lot of the stress is just because it feels like a time when we should be stressed it's like I catch

myself doing it in airports a lot like if there's a queue even though my flight's in an hour and a half if the queue is slow moving and I'm listening to a podcast I'm like what was it I'm like I'm gonna miss my flight yeah like we're so far away from missing our flight you're just making yourself anxious because you feel like you should be

yeah I you have to like I have to totally fucking exercise doses and when I'm in a slow moving queue no matter how early

I am for me flight because it just feels like it just feels like they're just gonna go alright well you missed it then yeah yeah

so most of the stuff on our board Is just like And also Katmai Kat is super fucking prepared This has been organised for ages She's got a little checklist We've got everything we need

We're going down like two days early It's an hour away Like it'll be fucking fun Yeah And even if you forget anything One of us could drive back and get it Like it's just up the road really Also she's not a fucking bridezilla

Like this isn't Like it's not going to be like road really oh see she's not a fucking bridezilla like this isn't like it's not gonna be like oh that's the wrong chandelier this can't go on oh my god I got the you know I just don't I don't see it

being yeah and do you think um do you think it's a bit more like because Cara like you you didn't grow up

like when you were a kid wanting to get married but Cara had a pillowcase over her head every time she was at the clan rallies yeah

and she would always tag the other clan members you know can't wait to get married yeah yeah yeah Aberdeen was different back then in 1997 kiss over her head every time she was at the clan rallies and she would always tie the other clan members saying I can't wait to get married Aberdeen was different back then in 1997 Do you think there is

more stress and pressure for the lasses? Probably, oh yeah man almost definitely because you know man she's waking up at 7am because that's when she needs to start getting ready for the wedding at 1pm. And that's like her choosing.

And we're just going to start, like, if we need to be there for, we need to be there an hour before her, I guess. So we'll start an hour before that. Yeah, we will be getting ready. In that hour, I'll be spending a lot of the time just fucking laughing on and having whiskey. Yeah, we're waking up in that hour I'll be spending a lot of the time just fucking laughing on and having whiskey yeah

we're waking up in the morning we're having a spliff we're jumping in a fucking pond we're going for a swim we're having some breakfast we're going for a game of frisbee fucking golf we'll have a couple of drinks

and then at some point after being bored and watching Netflix for a bit I guess we'll put on some clothes which will take 15 to 20 minutes

and then they get married. Meanwhile, she's up there, fucking Axel grind her out. All right. It's a fucking team of scientists. Fucking. Trying to make flubber.

All right. Just trying to get it fucking right. Who's got the rings right now? Where are they? I don't know, so therefore, shit. Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!

Stop the podcast. We've got stuff to do. We need to smelt gold. Well, man, no. Are you using gold at the maiden in the lap? No, it's really weird. That's gold main and fine, isn't it? Oh, no, here's the thing.

It's not actually... I don't want it because it's cruelty-free. I didn't buy a I didn't buy a guilt free diamond because I cared about the guilt it's just for me I just don't believe in like the capitalism

of it like I specifically order car like science made diamonds from countries

and have them smuggled in asses of children unnecessarily nice nice across borders like and there's and there is no need for it. You can just get across borders with these. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't need to go up a child's ass.

They could have carried that through. Not at all. You could put it in John's hand. There's no, it's not an ethical thing for me. It's just a kind of trade of child thing. There's physically no difference between a lab made of diamonds at all. Like they pay billions to try and find ways to distinguish them and they just don't work but matthew like i've always said if

i got like a pen and forged a signature of like he's got a heath ledger signature up there if i got that fucking dead on to the swish yeah but like the no but i got it dead on yeah no but i mean that's from a real person yeah the content that's from a real person. Yeah. The content... That's from a real geographical site. Yeah, but diamonds aren't rare. There's one company, I can't remember what they're called, but they literally just have warehouses. They artificially make a shortage of diamonds to keep the price up. Aye, but you know.

You know, like if you foster a child or adopt a child, it's going to be the same. But you know. What? No, no, please elaborate. I'm just saying you can love that child, you can raise them as your own. But, like, some people will not be able to deal with that. What's the angle? I'm just saying that you had a...

You mind a child. You mind a child when there are plenty out there. There's loads out there and you could have had any of them. But you had this weird need for it to be. There's a minor joke in there that I'll. Yeah. I felt it as well. I felt like a little spanky sense and I was like, nah, it's not worth it.

Don't go there. Definitely not. a little spanky sense and I was like nah it's not worth it don't go there definitely not so on the wedding day we've

got Caelan for a bit but we've also lost we're not trusted to get him ready that was funny when me and Khan got Jack ready

at his wedding right we got him full suit shoes on everything right and then just put him with one of his toys

in the in the cot, the crib. What are they called? The grates. Yeah, yeah. They got it right? Crib. Because I feel like cot's like a little thing for a newborn. Like a baby Jill.

Yeah, oh, okay. No, I mean, I would call them all cots or cribs. I don't think it makes much of a point. So it was quite funny because, like, he was in the little room and we were just kind of in the hall between the big room and the bathroom, right? And then we just saw, we're both stood chatting

and we just saw his trousers just fly out. So he took both of his shoes off, took his trousers off and just flung them. And we were just getting a bit panicked for time and all that. A few things had happened that had slowed us down. We were casual as fuck until a button popped off my top.

Yeah, yeah. And there's things that you need to do that you didn't care for and we just saw his trousers fling open and I just saw him go fuck

fuck's sake I was like I'll deal with that he gets himself sorted I'll deal with that so we're not having that

whirlwind no we're going to get them there we're going to have them for a bit but I think she wants to get ready with them

yeah I mean she's like you'll get it wrong I dressed him fully at the end of a bit But I think she wants to get ready with them Yeah I mean she's like You'll get it wrong I dressed him fully The other day It's because she wants to spend The time with them And

Now that he can walk We decide whether he walks down the hill Or whether we fucking bowl him Or whether he's in the creche He's probably just got to be running round isn't he Like are you going to be able to contain him No but We'd like him to be there

But if he's being shite He's just fucking As a creche Fucking ping him in that Yeah Throw him over there Are you going to be able To contain him No but We'd like him to be there But if he's being shite Just fucking As a creche Fucking ping him in that Yeah Throw him over there Deal with that Because he's not going to

It's all for us Like him and the girl Everything's all He'll have a fun day Because there's going to be Fucking cake and sweets and shit But this isn't We're not

We're not at the stage Where he's making Memories yet Nah This is us The only thing this will be Is photos of him looking dead cute

and then in five years time when we're looking through the photos of us getting married and we're showing our other kids it, he'll be such a cunt to them about it because he was at our wedding and they weren't. And they'll be like,

I agree, what a bastard. No, but they'll be three and they'll be like legitimately upset by it. Like, they'll be illogical.

They'll be fucking, I can't believe you didn it like they'll be illogical they'll be fucking I can't believe you didn't invite me and we're like you weren't even fucking coming out you fucking idiot like there was no concept

are you going to stick up for the other kids I don't know I don't know I've probably got first child bias since I'm a first child you know what

I remember it was actually Shappi Krishanli said of course I like my elders more I've known them longer yeah

aye oh no I don't think I'll have it because of that but like I'm I'm the oldest child so it's like and the youngest ones

being fucking shouty I'll be like fucking rain that in I know exactly what that is oh really you're gonna have elders

I know exactly what that is you little fucking rat fuck you're not even in pain you are full of fucking shit you're going to have Elvis? I know exactly what that is, you little fucking rat fuck. You're not even in pain. You are full of fucking shit. You're here to get chocolate off your mum because you know how to use people.

You're a shit two-year-old. That's me. Do you think that's how you're... Like, if I had three children, do you think I'd look at the middle one going, yeah, the creative one? Man, there's got to be. You're not the authority figure,

but you're also not the baby, and I'm like, have a higher empathy for someone that was... Got to be. I think I would be very shocked if at a subconscious level, there's not bias from a lot of people. Oh, that's gross. Do you know what I think? That's gross.

It is gross, but like... It's so egotistical though. Yeah, it's intentional. I think you'd have to be conscious to not do that, which is... Because, man, because like if you're the First of all We all know That the younger siblings

Like Are going to be more annoying Because they're younger So the older person Just has to be more Fucking Mature Does that mean

You'd favour the boy Um Because you were a boy Well I don't know No because there was no There was no There was no boy girl dynamic Like in ours Because we were a boy Well I don't know Because there was no There was no There was no boy girl dynamic Like in ours

Because we were three boys When Josie Edwards was around She was disabled So we were busy focusing on that Instead of her fanny You've got to wipe someone's arse You don't look at the front I wonder what else

You know if you had one that looked like you and one that looked like Cara do you think they'd naturally be your favourite oh that'd be interesting well no because I prefer Cara to me so would I be nicer to the one that looks like Cara and more horrible to the one that looked like me that'd be interesting

I'd be hitting on the one that looks like Cara do you come here often I live here it's breakfast time I don't know how to feed myself hitting on the one that looks like Kurt. Do you come here often? I live here. It's breakfast time. I don't know how to feed myself. Well, you're drunk. I was tired of that the other day when we were in Hawaii

and I left my phone on the table when I went to bed and suffered. Used the voice activation to send a text to me, because the lock was on but you can use siri you can say siri please text and then he like he tried ma'am didn't work tried my mom's name and it worked i've got everyone's first name second name and uh he eventually got there he was like texas i really miss your arse so he texted me ma'am saying i really miss your arse and i'm fast asleep and i'm not gonna to put it away. And I woke up the next morning to a text off my dad saying,

I'll take you out a few beers last night. And I think, don't you think I get drunk and text me back flirting? Flirting, that's how I flirt. Everything that you thought happened. Everything that you thought happened is an insult. I actually think your dad's got you picked. Definitely not. I think you've come up with a

lighting excuse and Kev got you right between the eyes drunk again are you son no nothing like this

has ever happened is that you being overly affectionate to your mother who's saved in your phone as Linda Humphries just so you can create

some emotional distance between you. You fucking pervert. I know you're a game boy. Oh, man. Base horse to me, man. Miss your arse. Men's shooting team text is back. Can't have a deal deal with this man He's out of the game He's out of fucking another shandy I can't Game I can't lose another solo with this

Gab's already estranged Oh man We're going to do a Q&A We're going to answer On this podcast No no We're going to We're going to stop this one Put it out to the public

Right And then we're going to Come back on This is a public episode Uh huh Oh I really wish You'd brought up the

Toga thing on a Patreon No no no Oh you know what I was Meant to do I was meant to plug I really wish you'd brought up the Togi thing on a Patreon no no no oh you know what I was meant to do I was meant to plug my tour at the beginning of the podcast

when people are still listening yeah well will you do it on the intro no why no plug me too on the intro man I'm recording

the Saturday one in London on like high production value so that we can try and sell it it's not full it's full-ish i'd be happy with the numbers right because we've booked a 200 seat there at the soho theater and both of them are over half full so like to sell 200 in london's good i could have sold one of them once and that means it was the right thing to put two of them on because now I'm

starting to fill the second one. But at the minute I think I'm on like 50% on one and 60% on the other and there's still two weeks to go

but I cannot have empty seats on a high budget recording. So Saturday the 27th if anyone's got this far that means you're super fine with the podcast. Do everything you can

to help us fill the seats please on the Sunday one because it'll be good if it's full for the recording. I'm also on 200 and a bunch of other places you can find help us fill the seats, please, on the Sunday one, because it'll be good if it's full, for the recording. I'm also on Twitter and a bunch of other places. You can find them on my website. But London on the 27th, I'm doing a, like, what's he called again?

Kitchener. We need you. You know, the fucking recruiting. We need you. I need everybody who listens to this podcast to be on Team Muggins and help us fill this room. Otherwise, it's a massive waste of money. They just cut the empty seats.

Which is so sad because I'd be so happy with the amount that it sold. But not when we're recording it. Also, nobody cuts away to audience shots anymore anyway. Is that? No. Actually, no. No?

No. I guess fuck off then. Can't do what you want with your weekend. Think about any of the fucking Specials you've watched recently Man they don't Talk to the audience And also But just for like

You know the reaction When you're on stage And stuff like that as well But also because You know Perth and Sydney Sold out So London has to step up I'm on a big barrier

In Australia I mean it's nice being Big in Australia But I've definitely Put more graft in In this country Australia's Australia's

Australia And England's England And Peg and I Have more growing to do See you next week you