Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.33: Worm God

Episode Date: June 1, 2023

A married Cream re-emerges from a week of hiding after the wedding but Muggins remains elusive. Instead he is joined by Glenn Wool from "Eejits of the world" in a podcast crossover to discuss a marriage, vasectomies, comedy and of course... worms.

Hello, fuckers! Welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. This episode, there is no Humphreys. It is Sloss and Wool, and then Glen Wool, the great, great Glen Wool. Anyway, it's a very funny episode with me and Glen. Very, very funny. We do not talk about my nuptials at all, really. We say many, many horrible bits, many, many funny bits. We say many, many horrible bits, many, many funny bits. We talk about comedy in Canada. We talk about vasectomies.

And we riff heaps. And I laughed fucking loads. Like a lot. Like way more than I do with Kai. So good episode to tune in on. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack.

Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or a majestical cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? There we go. Are you worried about AI and stand-up?

No. Right? Right? Actually, AI is making us more valuable. Yeah, go on. Well, because it's the one thing it can't do. It can't write a joke. Which, I mean, it won't stop it from having a career in comedy.

The Edinburgh Festival has taught us anything. Yeah, because what AI can do is it can steal jokes. And there are plenty of comedians who have made careers of doing that. Like our friend said one thing. Because I've said for so long when people are talking about ai i'm like don't get me wrong so much of ai is terrifying and scary and the potential is like apocalyptic and it's all very interesting and exciting but also whatever career wise it is i'll confidently say it is not fucking touching me in the sense that i've and i've always said that. So our friend sent through this thing yesterday when AI had written,

you know, 10 jokes in the style of Ryan Cullen, right? Okay. And they were dark jokes. And I would say at least six of them were really, really funny, but they also were not jokes written by the computer.

They were the AI going through Google, finding out who Ryan Cullen was, and then working at that. He does dark comedy and then just finding dark jokes from Reddit 4chan fucking whatever compiling those into a list so it was a very good search engine

Super Google yes so it's not as impressive it's never going to be able to you know I don't know tell a story I don't think going to be able to, you know, I don't know, tell a story. I don't think it'll be able to create something.

It'll be able to amalgamate, but without ever. But then again, do people care? I think you would. I mean, half of them. Well, you know, like Edinburgh shows at the 45-minute mark. Yeah. Where everybody tells a fucking harrowing tale of their aunt's hysterectomy or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you are talking to the king of that. That's right. That's right. Lighting change. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that sax I hear in the background? Oh, I remember five minutes in he said his dead father played sax. Oh, it's a musical.

A, I could definitely write a fringe show. Yeah, just take a wheel of relative and a bunch of maladies spinning around. Oh, my second cousin has worms. Oh, God. And the title is a pun or a quote? Yeah, I think they'd be telling the first time AA won an award. Yeah, I think it would be able to, in the same way that, like, I think it would be able to, like, write episodes of Friends.

Oh, yeah. I think it would write an episode of Friends that I would enjoy. Like, I don't know if it would be able to do, part of me believes it wouldn't be able to do South Park, and I don't mean that as any, like, fucking slant. No, but, I mean, but that's not even a slight on ai or friends like um i think you watch different sorts of entertainment for different reasons and i remember when i first watched the office i thought it was so funny and i just i couldn't believe how good it was and my wife at the time who worked in

an office was like no we're not going to watch that and i'm like but it's such a representation she's like yeah it is and i just came home from an office yeah yeah part of this is escapism too i'm now with the comedian who wants to watch an office well i've got a better idea for you why don't you go work in an office get off off your lazy ass. It's not like you come home from work and tell me jokes all the other way. You do do that, you annoying piece of shit. And critique the jokes on the television, on the TV show that she just wants to relax. Oh, that's the third iteration of that joke I've heard. Okay, here comes a catchphrase.

Look, if you hate the show so much, you don't get to point out background characters that you've gigged with, okay? It's one or the other, right? You can't be proud of it and then pissing on it the second. Yeah, and that's the way you know you're getting older too. The people that you know off the

telly are slowly changing from characters on sitcoms to the fucking cheese guy in the nacho commercial. Oh, yeah, I've worked with him. He was closing it up. I think we all had the same reaction the first time we saw Tim Fitzsiam coming out of the ground.

I don't even know what he's advertising. But I remember I physically grabbed Cara. I went, it's Tim. She's never met Tim. But I've known Tim since I was 16. I'm like, it's Tim, yeah. Now it looks like you're naming the people on the ads. I think I'll call that one Tim.

She's like, he's finally snapped. He's finally snapped. And not a second too late. You realize? It's in to get. Okay, good. That was a way of telling me you got a divorce. Not a second too late. Back on the market.

Yeah, imagine that. Like the guy that wrote Jake Saut divorced within literally a week, a week and a day of getting married. No, no. I took it to get resized. Part two. Fetch me my quill. AI! AI!

I have a conundrum for you. It's time to be rich and sad again. I got my wedding resized because when we were doing, we did Scottish country dancing at our wedding. We did like a Kayleigh and halfway through dancing with my wife of three hours afterwards, we all separate.

I have to go up to her within three hours of being married and say the words to her have you seen my wedding ring right and this is when I go yes Daniel we've all seen it I put it on it's very expensive we know

it's it's a testament to how much she loves me and it's a sign of, I'm definitely the right person because I just, she usually went over and was like I'm really sorry to do this three hours in but have you seen my wedding ring? and she just went, no but I'll help you look

she just like lifts up her dress and we all walk around, and it was fine within two minutes it had come off and gone under the, under a chair and then I lost it a second time nine hours later it was about two

in the morning and I look at my hand and it's not there and I turn to Soraya and I go fuck I've done it again I can't tell Sarah

I've lost it again and Soraya is she's there she's like we'll do it Saturday we'll be good I'll pass the message around

everyone apart from Cara will be looking on the floor for it we fucking got this I'm like She's there, she's like, we'll do it Saturday, we'll be good. I'll pass the message around. Everyone apart from Canada will be looking on the floor for it. We fucking got this. I'm like, thank you so much, thank you so much. I clasp her hands. She brings my right hand up. She goes, you put it on the wrong hand, you stupid cunt. It's German, that's how we do it it That's the scene that lets them know

I'm not a Nazi I do three rock Just get a big bag of them That's what I'd say That's an old road comic trick I have a friend who does that he has like three or four uh replica rings because man i just i'm like you i just got a fucking just a fucking metal one like something that's quite easy to do yeah yeah yeah for those

not watching on does make it sound like it's to be a big fucking skull ring um uh we have we when we got ours uh measured i i think i was when i put when i i would think it was i was a chubbier boy and that's why i've had to have them resized and we're really through the woman so i'm in there getting resized and one of our friends joins us, it's Ian Sterling, the voice of Love Island. Is that how he introduces himself? No, but it is how I introduce him when people don't recognise me.

Oh, right. Well, no, because he sat down and I'm like, I really hope she thinks this is a gay marriage. Because if people ever, I don't know about you, but if people ever assume I'm gay, I take it as kind of a compliment sometimes. I'm like, okay. I have been working out.

Yeah. And like, okay, I did do something right with my hair this morning. And if I'm in there getting my ring resized to my beautiful wife, who I love very much, and I'm there with Ian Sterling, and she thinks we're gay, I think Ian Sterling's quite a handsome man.

If I could get him, I'd take all that as a... They might misunderstand what getting your ring resized was too. We're going to get my ring resized. The voice of Love Island last night.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't need to go to a jeweler's then. You need to go a couple of doors down. And you get to be a bottom in the story do you think Ian would top me?

I don't know what the rules are anymore I think if I was to ever be gay I think I would I would leave up to if both of us didn't have a preference or if we both had the same preference I think you would have to leave it down to wrestling yeah I think that would have to leave it down to wrestling.

Yeah. Yeah, I think, well, I think that's how it started. It's just wrestling that got out of hand. And I think, I did have a, like, I think as it's, as the gay lifestyle is more and more accepted and it's just not an issue, fuck wrestling could get into the Olympics issue fuck wrestling could get into the olympics because that's because that's what the olympics originally was i know that's why the greeks were doing it yeah yeah what's this pinning like one two three no no it was pinning down

little boys insertion yeah getting on top Yep. Spreading yourself out on top. They were doing it all in the nude. I'm pretty sure the original Olympics were all in the fucking nude. That's why they all have their cocks out in the statues, right? That wasn't just like an artistic choice. That was the story they came up with when they got caught in the woods. What? No, it's a contest.

Yeah. I see how far I can hurl my length of rod. And he sees how small of a hole he can get this thing into. Well, it looks like you guys have been having a party. There's a bunch of plates here. No, no, no. These are discs. We hurl them.

There's no canapes on those. And what are these giant anal beads? No, I yeet them. They're not love eggs. I'm saying... Guys, you know, it's Sagen Rome. It's not that big of a deal. Yeah, we're all...

You don't need to cover any of this up. Yeah. It explains why the horses are here. No, no, no. Oh, please. the horses are here. No, no, no. What would you,

if back in the, I have a routine in my show about the gladiator, about the Coliseum, I think it would have been so good to go and watch it actually take place. Like if there was, if there was a Coliseum nowadays,

do you think you would have the stomach to go? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You never know what's wrong until pages down the history book. There's probably a lot of things we're doing right now. Yeah, but I mean, knowing what you know now,

do you think, like, if there was just part of the world, right, where if, like, let's say India just went, fuck it, let's go mental. We're bringing back Coliseum fighting. Right, right. We're doing it. We're doing it in, like, a Hunger Games-style thing. It's awful.

And it's all the worst things of what the old Coliseum was. It's, like, promising freedom. It's all that. But it's people getting into fights with animals and each other to the death. Obviously, are you watching it? I'd have to have a look. Every Friday.

Just to make sure it was wrong. I gotta keep checking. Because you know what? Hey, sometimes people change. Sometimes rules are slightly altered and it changes the whole thing. It's not as bad. Every week I watch, I write a letter

saying how horrible it is. I send them my letter and then I watch the week after hoping they've read my letter. I update the blog. I set the rankings. I have my own rankings. You start the betting. Yeah, I watch the rankings. I have my own rankings. You start the betting.

Yeah, yeah. I watch the Pakistani version. It's on before it. And then the Indian one comes on. And then there's some regional stuff out of Kazakhstan. I keep an eye on it. I don't watch every match. Most of them.

I got my favorites and I collect the cards. Yeah. I mean, these tattoos could be anybody. I think I would make such a very... Knowing who I am as a person, I think I would make a very big point on this podcast and very publicly about how disgusting it was. And then I would as a person I think I would make a very big point on this podcast and very publicly about how disgusting it was and then I would have a second phone I would have I would have second phone and lots of diarrhea every Friday

around about the same time while I watched it in the bathroom well I just i'm at the i i want to blame on like my nihilism i'm just like i think the world's gonna end within my lifetime so i'm like part of me is like don't do it here don't do it yeah not in the nice part not in the not in the not in the part of the world where i convince myself that nothing bad happens yeah yeah because if you did it here i'd have to attend and then i couldn't watch it online yeah yeah yeah yeah if yeah if you did it here, I'd have to attend. And then I couldn't watch it online. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you do it in Scotland, I'm going to have to find like a map.

Let's get ready to rumble! Oh, if they ask me to host it now, there we go. It's a job. I have a child. I have to do it. And also, I think if I'm part part if I'm one of the cogs in the machine

then I can change the system for better if I'm in there and they trust me look let's say I just do like a really good job for five years and it looks like

I'm really into it like it looks like I fucking love this job deep cover yeah yeah yeah yeah I keep promising that like all of my wages are going to go to the families of the people involved in this horrible thing. Whoever they may be.

Whoever they may be. But here's the thing. They're orphans. Orphans, fam. Who knows what words mean? And it turns out when they do have family, by some cruel twist of fate their family are then randomly drawn into the same show it's i know it's it's it happens so often something must be done my favorite part of this is this is the first episode of the podcast

since i got married so there are definitely people who've tuned in just to hear stories. It's just us doing a really horrific bit about New World Indian Hunting Games. We haven't even talked about the worms yet. No, no, no, we haven't. So we have since, for the past two weeks We've had lots of people staying in our house Lots and lots of people It's a mystery

I woke up this morning I was making my sunbreak this morning And Jean one of the guests was staying in our house She's been in Italy for a week To a picture Mark that down italy jean said a video to me over the bottom of our toilet bowl there'd been a worm and like not and like not a not a garden worm oh no it's a it was a

a bumpu worm it looks like a bumpu but it's a long it's a long one it was the longest one I've seen longest one I've ever seen because I

I when I was young I think when I was about like 10 or 11 I had worms and they were very small worms I remember seeing those

little white things this was way bigger worm than that so Gene is like, hey, don't mean to alarm you, but like, could this be yours or Cara's? And we're like, we have an en suite, so we don't shit in that toilet. It's a gross toilet. It's where we grow our worms. It's where we grow our worms.

Our bum worms. But because we had so many people staying at our house, like the night before, before we all went down to the wedding, we had people babysitting Caelan, we had people staying there since. That toilet's been used by, I'm going to say, minimum eight people. Yeah. Well, what you need to do. But what do you do?

You did a good thing. You did a very good thing. Something I never would have fucking done. You went upstairs for a shower, and then two minutes later you came back downstairs and I thought there was something wrong with the shower. And you went, hey, not to alarm alarm you but somebody in your family has worms there's one in the bottom of the toilet and i told you that story but if if somebody else if

there was a worm in somebody else's toilet i would have taken that to my fucking grave if there was blood in somebody else's toilet i would have been like i don't want to have that conversation with someone that's uh well i i felt I did it correctly, though. You did? I didn't, you know, I didn't pull the alarm in the bathroom. The security alert. You didn't come to us just going, who's this? Yeah, excuse me.

Huh? Huh? Don't make me measure it. Everyone get out their buttholes. I'll sniff. I'll sniff you I could sniff a worm I got a five year old you're not going to get away

yeah no you did it in a very very couth very caring nice discreet way again also not how I would have done it but I never would have brought it up I don't think I don't see it as confrontation but what you need to do is you need to anti-back all of the toilet,

like where you flush and the. And bleach it. Yeah. Anti-back or bleach. Okay. It's the same thing. But the, where you wash your hands too,

because it'll, the eggs will be on the flush and the, the faucets. Jesus. And that's how they continue their journey through life. Oh. So. Jesus.

Yeah, and somebody needs to take a pretty hefty worm pill. Yeah. You know what? I would double up. Those are pretty big worms. I would say, well, it looked like it ate the other worms. It was like an inch long. I know.

I didn't realize they wriggled around in the bottom of the toilet like that either. No. Because Gina. So it's definitely a worm. It's not like, I mean, I don't know where else fucking it could be. Well, I've had that kind of worm before. Oh, really? And that was.

As big as that? Yeah. Really? But I, what happened, and you'll remember the show that this came from, because I ended up doing a whole big show on it. I got stuck in customs in Indonesia, because they said they found cocaine on my hands. And they were like, it's heavy there.

Like, they can kill you if they think you're a smuggler. And they had me in the back room, and it was really, really intense. They found one of my... I was still on a travel with CDs. They found one, and they were like, are you a singer? And I was about to say, no, I'm a comedian. But then I realized that that album had cocaine gland on it,

like all my fucking jokes about cocaine. It's like a 20-minute thing. So I didn't want him to put the album on. And I was like, yeah, I'm a singer. And he's like, oh, can you sing? Oh, my love, oh, my kissing. You don't know what you've been missing. Oh, boy, come on, everybody.

Every time you slap your leg, clouds coming off. Hold on, I just need a little tootsie. My confidence is low. I can't perform without this stuff. It's like singing powder. I can't perform without this stuff. It's like singing powder. But so they're convinced to that, and they're finally like, the guy leveled with me, and he's like,

Glenn, do you take drugs? And I was like, no, I do not. You know, maybe I was a little sort of messed up when I was younger. Maybe. But through all that now, I don't touch it. It's bad like that. And the guy was like, you see, he felt like a Christian hearing what he wanted to hear. And obviously, you know, Indonesia, probably not a christian but a religious person yeah so um he

he then went okay and he called all his buddies back in the room and he put the glove on and i was like after my life you're gonna and he lubed his finger all up and that's when i remembered i had worms i'd wipe my bum on the plane and the worm would come out it'd come out yeah yeah they do if you're in full bloom that well that's how that worm had got out again you can wipe your bum and it'll you know sometimes they're like it's just coming out like a little fucking under what's the under periscope yeah yeah like it's boogies like it's probably just close to your bum hole and then gets a, you know, airplane toilet paper, too. That's not the smoothest ride.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're hooked into the fucking... And I'm just like, oh, crap. Oh, I've got worms. What good could possibly come of this? Two hours later in customs, the guy's lubing it up, and I just went,

like that, and he was like, because nobody had ever smiled. Yeah, he's like, homosexuality is illegal too, by the way. Yeah, well, stop lubing your finger. Yeah, you got a lot of lube for a guy who don't like gay sex.

That's what I've noticed. I told you to spit on it. Yeah. It's okay. We don't need the lube. I'll bite the pillow going around. But I realized he was about to get a handful of worms. And just by that little Mona Lisa like like that he stopped and his buddies

even were like what do you what are you doing you have to look at his bum and he just went get out of here and I didn't tell him about the worms he just he read He read me like a poker player. He was like, there's something in there. And I'm not going to like it. My buddies are watching. I don't want to get caught worm finger the rest of my life. That's how I got all that cocaine into Bali. I wrapped wrapped in worms oh man

Jesus I mean the most traumatic part of that story don't get me wrong it would give me the fucking the fear of all fears to ever like ever have any drugs

going near any of those countries as always because they're not they are so openly like Singapore is like ask us how we got this city so clean yeah ask us ask us how we got this city so safe are you like i don't want to know i don't want to know you're like

goddamn right you don't know do we need to remind you of any of the rules you're like not at all i like the rules i hate chewing gum so much i think it's such a gross awful eye. I know. Whereas, and it does work. So like I would never, I've done drugs in like countries that you shouldn't do drugs in, right? I've done drugs in Russia.

I've done drugs in like parts of Europe where it's definitely not allowed. I've done... I've never done it in Singapore because I'm not an idiot. And when I was in India, I was like, I'm not fucking risking it.

I'm not risking it there. Anywhere where they're going to... Whereas here in the UK, where it is still fucking illegal, you order it to your door. Yeah. Like, I just i i still i still don't understand how this like how it's just not legal i do a bump off a cop's hat sorry officer

come here hold on just hold still you know the rules you have to you have to take it off to let a pregnant woman pee in it that's one of the old laws and the other one is if i needed to let a pregnant woman pee in it. That's one of the old laws. And the other one is if I needed to do a bump off of, you have to give that to me. Thank you very much. You bring phone boxes back or you do your job. Get over here,

bum hat. Come on. Get out that little baton. Yeah, I need the baton. I want you to put it all the way along the baton. I want to stay still.

I want you to hold a nostril and I want you to yank it. I along the baton. I want to stay still. I want you to hold a nostril, and I want you to yank it. I call it the Coke typewriter. Stop looking at me. Stop looking at me like that. It is what 999 is for. And when I need you again, I will call you again. Fine, I will take a slap on the wrist. Hi-ya.

Yeah. Whereas if you sing young and wild and free in Singapore, they will hang you by your fucking toenails. Yeah. And throw stones at you for a week. Well, like any of those places, man, you just get, like they take a real interest. Well, like any of those places, man, you just get, like, they take a real interest.

Like, I was in China, and after one of the shows, this dude was hanging out with all the other comics. He was a Chinese guy, and his name, he said his name was Achilles, which is not a, it's not your. That's not a local name. It's just not a, it's not your, that's not a local name. It's not. You wouldn't say like, oh, my friend Achilles is coming over.

Oh, what part of China is he from? I would go, what year is he from? Yeah, exactly. I know where to attack him. So I automatically had a bit of, but he was hanging out and he was cracking jokes. He was really funny, really funny. But my father, as a younger man, was a police officer.

And I grew up around police officers. And I know, I can tell you when someone's a cop, even if they haven't said it, I know it. Oh, yeah? What is it? Is it like just body language? Just general demeanor. Even like in their civics, they still sort of,

they still are in their uniform almost, even in civilian clothing. And there's just a little thing. And it's not like cops are really funny when they're around each other, but when they're not, you know. It's just a couple little things you pick up on, and it's sort of universal because at the heart of it, most people who become police officers are doing it for a good reason.

And then there's certainly ones that aren't. But there's just little things you can do. And he was a good cop, but he hadn't presented himself as such. He had presented himself as an amateur comic named Achilles from Nanjing. So he's talking, he's talking, but then things are, the conversation's going off because the other guys are Westerners. The other, the other, like there are other comics that live there and the guy that owned the bar was

a Westerner. They're starting to go in, there's, they're talking about stuff you shouldn't talk about in China. And I'm not like overthrowing the government, but drugs and shit like it's really serious so killies goes up take a piss and i'd stop the guys i go just so you know that guy's a cop and be careful um because you know they they do that like i've had it before in other countries where they're just like, who the fuck is that guy? But everybody starts laughing at me.

Like they were fucking, they were ripping the shit out of me. He came back to the table, and they're still teasing me. And he sits down, he takes a sip of his beer, and they're like, Achilles, you may take interest in this. Glenn thinks you're a police officer. And he was like,

he said, who told you I was a cop? Who thinks I'm a cop? Like that? And they were like, no, it was just like a joke. Okay. that they were like no like it was just like a joke yeah okay um i need to go honestly so where do you think he's going boys and it's not it's not even um it's not that bad of a thing i've had it in singapore too

remember did you ever meet atherton oh fuck yes yeah unfortunately yeah well that's how i knew that that kind of thing happens because so to try and explain Jonathan Atherton, and go as hard as you want here. I don't have anything truly awful to say about him, but I am going to be honest about who and what he is. Okay, fair enough. It's probably true, but just on... He was my friend. He's no longer with us, and I think that's why Daniel's able to tell some of these stories. No, no, no. He was this...

He was like an expat who lived out in... I don't think it was just... It wasn't just fucking Kuala Lumpur and Bali. It was all... He moved around, yeah. He did radio in Singapore. He was an Aussie guy. Aussie guy. He ran all these gigs out there

For expats and they were really good gigs And there's just this type of person in comedy And you'll find it everywhere Who are really good at putting on gigs In different parts of the world But for some fucking reason Incest on going on stage Themselves

For five or ten minutes before the real comedians who they booked and flew from the other side of the world. And I've seen this happen in Switzerland. I've seen this happen in Singapore. I've seen this happen in Australia. I've seen it happen in Europe. It happens.

People be like, I've put on this successful gig. I booked these comedians, therefore I must... And Jonathan Hathorne would just go on and just tell these like, look, he lived a fucking mental life. Yeah, yeah. And he would go on stage and just tell these

mental stories, which I think were highly exaggerated at points. A comedian? Yeah. An exaggeration. Come on, come now. Yeah. And he was also, to be fair to me,

he was a comedian, but he was that type of Aussie comedian that exists. And this is another, me and Kyle always laugh at this. There's Aussies that never make it in the Australian comedy scene. So go to another part of the world and just start a comedy scene there.

They're like, oh, I'm not going to make it here I'll just go start one in Taiwan I'm the king of the Taiwan circuit yeah whereas Canadians have a backpack and a joke book I'll fucking crack this nut

somewhere Aussies tend to hate Asia for comedy whereas Canadians always make their way over to the UK a lot of the time yeah yeah well I mean for me it was part of the

heritage like I the work permit is much easier because the Commonwealth of course no not the Commonwealth but my grandmother was from Northern Ireland so oh I'm going to get my Irish passport oh that's a good one wait Because the Commonwealth, of course. No, not the Commonwealth. But my grandmother was from Northern Ireland. Oh. Yeah. I'm going to get my Irish passport.

Oh, that's a good one. Wait, the Northern Irish passport? Or you can get the real one? No, if you're Northern Irish, you get that. They don't look at it the way we look at it. Oh, what a very British thing I just did there. But that's our Ireland. So why would they have their passports? And do I receive some sort of tithe from you having a passport?

I think I do. Oh, God. It's the most tourney I've ever been. I'm so disgusted at myself. Thank God Cullen wasn't here to see that. Oh, he'll hear about it. He'll hear. Alan wasn't here to see that.

Oh, he'll hear about it. He'll hear. I apologize to all of our listeners from the worse Ireland. I don't mean to insult your history. The lower Ireland. Yes, despite being higher geographically. Yeah, the paperwork is easier. The American paperwork is really expensive and really prohibitive to a young comic.

And even if you're going over the border, say, just to do amateur nights in the States, they will stop you. So you have to. Really? Yeah. That's working. That's working. You can't come down here and do that that's that always say that i'm like but i'm just i'm like if i was performing in a

theater that would make sense but i'm going to be in a pub performing to seven fucking cunts surely like i'm not even getting paid like surely i wasn't even going to tell you about this 20 bucks anyway like you were never going to hear about this. It's like I was never... You wouldn't stop me coming into this bar to drink and talk and that's all they have. If they knew you. Are you just going to

come back in and tell the same stories as you did last week? No, no. I've worked on them. I've practiced them in front of a mirror. Well, that's creepier. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah.

Go back to your mirror. Yeah, yeah. It was just easier to come here. Did you start in Canada? Oh, yeah. How old? 19. 19. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How old? 19. 19, yeah, yeah, yeah, I could.

As soon as I could. I was like... How good were you starting? And if not good, how long did it take you to get good? And your definition of good. The show went really well, the first one. Oh, yeah. And this was more to do with um having a car than you know but i was 19

i had a car i didn't have anything else to do i didn't have a job or anything um oh maybe i was delivering chinese food but anyway um by uh about two months in i was getting road gigs which you know like you have to those are not easy at all it was a perfect baptism of fire but

also Canadian road gigs are very different to British road gigs where it's like you know British road gigs are I'm going to drive

two hours to well one hour to Glasgow or four hours to Manchester or yeah as opposed to 15 to Fort St. John but As opposed to. 15.

Fort St. John. But I mean, that's what, that's what helped me out because only like a 19 year old with nothing else to do, like, you know, but even in Canada,

like a lot of the people that age would be in university and not be able to do it. I was just, I just had cut myself off from any other, you know, it was actually quite a responsible thing to be doing. Like, well, at least he's not laying on the couch and masturbating. What are you doing for 15 hours in a fucking car on the way to a gig? Ephedrine.

Is that a thing? is that uh that's uh it was a uh yeah it was it was mother's little helper for many many years it's illegal now but it's um anything called mother's little helper pre-2000s is illegal now yeah yeah it was uh arguably uh good it was a herbal remedy for allergies. And that's why we had to sniff it. Well, you could. You could. Now, it would be better known now as the final stage of speed before it becomes crystal meth. Fuck yeah.

Yeah, and they were totally legal. Big jug of them, you know, and you could just walk into any shop. And it was, think that those bad fucking jesus christ like mothers were obviously parents were taking that just raising their kids there's an entire generation of kids that was just raised by parents on speed yeah who would not even and not even in the way that like kids who are like parents are normally on meth or speed are aware that the parents are junkies just like like, well, the doctor gave me this. The doctor wasn't even involved.

No? It was like the herbal shops, you know, like the ones with Popeye on the fucking... Oh, so this is like when we fucking did fucking Meow Meow, all those years. Yes! Understood. And everybody kept it down, too. It was really cool, because usually, you know,

the drug has hit the streets, and everybody knows about it, because. It was really cool. Because usually, you know, the drug has hit the streets and everybody knows about it. Because we could all get it. Nobody said shit. But it was strong enough that it was on par to Coke. Like, if you took enough of it. You'd be like like I could make this 15 hour drive

a 12 hour drive just let me slam my feet through the bottom of the car and I'll get us there like Fred Flintstone we were having

sorry to take a slight right turn here but I do want to discuss it with you I did that thing where we were having a Sorry to take a slight right turn here But I do want to discuss it with you I did that thing where we were having a conversation And because we had a podcast coming up I was like don't talk about it Save it for the podcast You have two children

I do Age 5 and 2 I have one child age 15 months We are aiming to Sort of probably have another baby within the next two years. I have a routine in this year's show about how I want to have three kids

and Cara want to have two, and this is true. But now that we've seen what happens with childbirth and pregnancy and with how good he is now and how easy I want to stop at one and she wants to have four now. And then we got talking about the vasectomy. You don't want it at all? You never would? I don't want it.

No? No, why not? Because of the pain? So many things. Because it doesn't make you a man? Yeah, but... Talk me through it. What happens if there's a disaster and

the last one left and all these beautiful women are like glenn humanity needs oh i got just lie to them that's's right. Just lie to all of them. Blame it on them. Did you have coffee? Yeah, you're not supposed to have coffee. Maybe you didn't give me enough back rubs. Maybe the amount of pressure on me is so much. Yeah.

I'm sorry, thank you. And then like three years in, I've worked it out, girls. Sodomy will not work. I'm so much. Yeah. I'm sorry. Thank you. And then like three years in, I've worked it out, girls. Sodomy will not work. I'm so sorry. I read the book wrong. I got it right in the wrong. We'll go,

we'll move to the mouth. It turns out we've been wasting our time and nobody's more embarrassed about it than me. I got this. I got crawling a hole and get over here.

We are behind schedule. Get your mouths over here, girls. We gotta repopulate this planet. Do you know, I had a terrible thought, and you might want to edit this out. No, no, we'll keep it in. For whatever reason, when I saw that worm wriggling in your toilet, I thought to myself, what do those bum worms make of sodomy?

Like, every once in a while, they're just in there, and then the giant white worm is back please drench us with your mama the prophecy's for trolls

just like etching to the side of the head. You can think of her prostate exam because like, I can't feel any tumours or clothes here, but there seems to be hieroglyphs in the walls. Protecting the return of some big black god. That was only once on vacation. Big black god. That was only once on vacation.

Yeah, she's like, shh, a white god. There was a white god. Yeah. There's another prophecy about some sort of five small heads. Comes in as one, blossoms into five. The Hydra. Well, you know, that's where it would lie. Even now it's worshipping my little finger. It's some sort of mouth of Sauron that's just coming. You're right, I think we should cut that out.

I think it's crucial that we do. Yeah, I think maybe sell it to Dead Man Talking. No, we'll keep Yeah, maybe sell it to Dead Man Talking. No, we'll keep it. Keep it. So what, so, so,

oh, what do you want? It's already sold. Quinn, Quinn's been listening the whole time. I can't wait to see what type of

pedophile joke he turns it into. Right, Randy the Worm's a juvenile. I can't wait to see what type of pedophile joke he turns it into where any of the worms are juvenile I'm not interested it's just not it's just not for me okay so your last man standing survivors are killed the way that's one reason why you don't want to get up to say yeah right is he i don't like the idea of a man stabbing me in the dick even he's he's trained he knows what he's doing first they stab me in the dick. Even he's trained,

he knows what he's doing. First they stab you in your dick and then they burn you. Yeah. Yeah. You're supposed to, you have been given that penis. It's your responsibility. That is true, yeah. You have been handed that penis

by failing hands of the past generations. And they say, take care of that because there's more of us in there. And you've got to give them the best chance in life. And then no place does it like, but you know, when things are a little much, just fucking twist and knot in it like a balloon. No! things are a little much just fucking twist and knot in it like a balloon no but it's like i the surgery side of things i absolutely get for me the only way i would get it i gotta be

unconscious i'm like i don't give a like i don't care what your rules are like we're like oh but we can numb the area doesn't matter it doesn't matter if it's... Numb. Numb. Numb. Hey, you know what? Leave the legs on. If you need to. Don't let me up, though. My legs... I know what the brain thinks. The legs might be...

No! Generations of spouses. They run. They run for the fields. Just my top half fully unconscious, but my legs just reacting to the second the first knife goes in. Running around like a foal. Legs working, top half... Where the hell did we put this thing by the highway? Stop shooting him in the head! We've numbed it!

He's not gonna do it again! Aim for his fucking Achilles! Hata! Hata! Achilles the goblin, what do you need? The nurse, it's Achilles. I'm not the police officer. You'd have to be fully conscious. I'm a firm believer. If I told my dentist, I'm like, if you ever need to you'd have to be fully conscious like i'm a firm believer if i i told my dentist

i'm like if you ever need to take any teeth out that's a me a sleep job like that and i'll pay whatever the money is yeah under the table over the table i'm unconscious for any surgery no matter how big or small yeah yeah i've i got this tooth out and i and I just figured it'd be like, you know, just, but no, I was glad I went. Because, you know, you get people like, well, you can do it at home, you know. Yeah, we've all seen Cast Away. You just get a rock, an ice skate, and you're done. But no, like, he was, I think he used to be in the military, too too because he's got that sort of, but he was like, Jesus Christ! Like that, and then he had to split it.

Fuck all of that. Like our friend Hammy was telling me that like when he got his, this was also in America, by the way, I think this is important for context. He was getting one of his fucking molar teeth, one of those wisdom teeth taken taken out and they sort of numbed the area. And the guy went in with fucking pliers to get them.

It wasn't coming out. Split it and had to get to where he had a knee on Hammy's chest. Like on top. And was just pulling like that. And you're like, what the fuck, man? Do that while I'm unconscious! Come on! Knock me out for all of it! Maybe, yeah. do that while I'm unconscious. Like, come on.

Knock me out for all of it. Maybe, yeah, they don't want, they want you up, so if you wake up a little battered and bruised, they're like, you were up, you saw. You saw, we're taking a tooth out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fine. What is my butthurt?

Look, a prophecy was foretold. I wanted to see if there were any other tablets elsewhere. I'm worried about this big black god. Okay. She just said it. Yeah, Jesus. I'm also worried. She just said, yeah, Jesus.

I also worried. See, I would get a vasectomy just because fucking condoms are just the worst, man. They really are. They really are. But I say that as somebody that, man, we're wearing them. Cara's off the pill at the moment. So we're a condom fucking household. I'll do that with no complaints he said complaining but just as a

I'm doing it in the same way that you know she was on the pill for years I just can't believe after fucking 2000 years we've barely fucking improved the condom no there's no like magic fucking spray that you can just spray on the top

makes it yeah but it's the testing of these sprays. Yeah. Men are very rarely willing to be guinea pigs with their own cocks. Yeah. And that's why science very rarely. But it's the same reason why you can't get any medicines for pregnant women. It's not that those medicines wouldn't work. It's just they can't test.

They can't do medical tests on pregnant women, no matter what sort of refugees they may be. Are you listening? Huh? We all pay attention. You can't do it. Yeah. But in the same way, like if you were doing, testing birth control, if somebody got pregnant,

then you're lagging behind. And you're like, well, that's... And if they didn't want to have the abortion, then you'd probably have to pay. I don't know. I think that's why we lag behind. We are a super pro-abortion household. Oh, I think, yeah.

Like we've got my... Oh, I think you should have to want one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't just inflict them on people. No, I think, yeah. Like, we've got we've got my... Oh, I think you should have to want one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't just inflict them on people. No, no, absolutely not. Not you. Not, no. But it's fine when God does it. Um...

You fucking sky rapist. Say it to the camera as if God's watching this, and if he is, he's watching via this and not. Um... He could have it on two feeds. Why have it on a thing? I just feel like nothing would make, you could show me God, you could show me the real God, but if he was watching anything on his iPhone,

I'd be like, what? But surely you, whatever you're watching, you saw. That's the, I'm like, I don't believe, that would be my first clue. The God you would be seeing would be the same as the worm seeing the huge dick. You would think, yeah, but it would be your God, but you get to the bottom of it and it's just some fucking dick from middle management. You think that was God?

Oh, okay. Yeah, so condoms suck so much to the point where i'm like i would absolutely take dick surgery to go bareback for the rest of my god-given life yeah yeah that's that that to me is a worthy sacrifice and if she's you know i know she could do it on her end But if she's She doesn't want to get hers tied Because she wants kids So she's never going to shut that

I've got to shut this down at some point I've got to take it out back Like an old fucking farm dog I've got to hold him I've got to look him in the eye Why don't you get your We had some fun You and me boy I got to look him in the eye. I'd be like, why don't you get your... We had some fun, okay?

You and me, boy. Why don't you get that big guy that you travel the countryside with to bed it like a rabbit. To strangle it for one last time. That's what we were doing. He was just... Ah, George. Yeah.

You guys been going around the barn again To Have another vasectomy Yeah that's what I'm gonna take I also feel like if you If in my head and I will Please bring this up in the future in 15 years When I do get a vasectomy

I feel Getting a vasectomy Absolutely entitles you to a week, if not a week, maybe like two or three days where you absolutely get to act like a child who's had his tonsils out. Yeah. Like, I think if you get your vasectomy because you can't move much, it's major surgery.

Do you just want some ice cream? No, no, but I mean. What is she denying you up in there? No, but I mean in the sense of like, you're allowed to be on the couch for like two days. You are, you need to be. You need to, so it's like that thing of like, hey, I did that, you can just,

you get to binge watch a show that she'd never fucking, you know, you get to be like a present family member, but the laziest version of it. Yeah. You don't have to contribute your 50%. You're down to 10%. Because a doctor gave you a letter that said you could be down at 10% for three days. And I know you think you've never seen God.

But look, the way that that works out is there is intelligent design there because if women got vasectomies and their husbands just got to walk around, you know within the first hour we'd be trying to give our wives hard-on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, does it hurt? Does it hurt when I do this? Stop! Oh, God, women, they just can't take jokes.

Jesus, they're so uptight. You're staring my tits stitching! Oh! Are you live streaming this? Well, I would, honestly, I expect, if I ever get excited, I'll come home like a fucking, like a war old war veteran who lost like two legs expecting that exact type of fucking sympathy.

Because you still cum. You still cum. It's just there's no, you just don't do anything. It's not like you. Well, where are they going then? Yeah, and also what is it if there's not, like I've never understood that like you still might cum, but like what's in it then?

Just like have all their tails been cut off? Yeah. And they're just... No, but there's... I'd imagine it'd mean that there'd be no sperm in it, just the sauce. You're going to need to explain chism to me. I can't.

Well, from what I know About Vasectomies There is a little Tube That gets cut out And then they burn They end They cauterize

The wound So nothing And just with a cigarette I've heard Yeah Yeah It's harder now It's because they vape

Smells like fucking cheesecake in here. This bag is better than the alternative. If you want, I can see if they do this flavor. Burning ball hair. I'm trying to get that as a vape flavor. Do you have any cauterized scrote back there? How about freshly burned skin of those bald cats? Do you have that as a flavor?

What do you mean I'm weird? Oh, sure. I'll give you my fingerprints. I just need to do this. All right. Fair enough. Another register? Now I know why they call it a criminal record.

Because we're going for gold, baby. Yeah, so I reckon what happens, there's a sauce that the sperm swim in. Uh-huh. And you keep making the sauce. You must still make the sauce, but the tube that the sperm are supposed to go up is is is gone but my question is those sperm where do they go sperm when they die or no the ones that can't get up the tube are they just in there yeah i think they die and then fall like fall back down and become food for the other sperm on their way past. What if you make a super sperm that's just in there like a highlander eating all the other sperms?

Like he busts through the tube. He busts through the cauterized thing. And when you're fucking your wife ten years later, you feel it. He's banging her. Oh my god, you feel it. He's flagging her. Oh, my God. What the hell? He's loose. He just comes carried by all these worms.

Why are we trying to go to the light when we didn't realise we needed to go deeper deeper towards the darkness where the druids launch them through the fucking tube out there all of your wife's tears no

I've been wasted out there. All of your wife's tears. No! I've been wasted. Wasted. Flipping around like a minnow. I don't think we should put that in the toilet. Glenn's going to think we've got worms. The warning I'd have to come down and get, Daniel, I've got a

little white super sperm. I'm gonna swim it all around here. I don't know. Someone in your family. How'd you know it was mine? He flipped me off and called me a slur. Flush it, flush it, blush it. Wash your hands and blush it.

Oh, well, that's more fun than I've ever had with any episode with Kai. Yeah. I hear that a lot. I didn't know you spent that much time with Natalie That's why I don't want to get a vasectomy What Remind me of the name Two Agents is your podcast Agents of the World

No it's not about us being agents Oh shit I might just project is your podcast? Agents of the World. Agents of the World. No, it's not about us being agents. Oh, that's all shit. I might just project. Yeah, every week we find, me and Andrew Maxwell,

find different idiots in the news or in our own lives or just people that are a little dense. And not all the time. Like that, you know,

we don't get into care homes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at him. He used to have a PhD. Now look at him. Do, do, do. He can't even eat soup. Yeah, if you're ever in Cambodia,

stay out of the pharmacy. Look at this one. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Fried his brain. All right. this one. Frat's brain! Yeah, so and it is the one inexhaustible resource that this world provides us with

is you can be pretty sure on a weekly basis about eight people have been absolute dorks. Now sometimes it's the same person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If world leader-wise, Putin's sort of like the Elvis of... Yeah, geez, that guy's always in the charts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I thought you were going to be like, I've always wanted to meet him. In that I masturbate to him all the time. Yeah, I lost my virginity to the sound of his dulcet tones. Can we play some music? No! We will listen to this speech because he makes some very valid points

about the LGBT community. Things you can't say. Oh, he gets you cancelled here, but glad he knows. Russian Voldemort knows what's up. Yeah, and I have an album that has just come out called Tiny Kings of Winter, and that's available in all comedy album places. You listen to that.

So between those things and the hour of free comedy I've just provided here with little or no help. Yeah. Guy had an ass worm swimming around his toilet. He wasn't going to bring it up. Yeah. Yeah. And between that, an album and a podcast every week.

If you enjoyed this, I'm bringing it. I'm providing. Yeah, content, motherfucker. Let me be your comedy daddy. Come on. Come on, get in line. Hop on us, Nate. There's plenty of room. Open your mouths. We've got to repopulate this world. I said we'll try hole number two.

I've heard your theories on the vagina, and we'll try it last. Okay? It's a moonshot, man, a moonshot! Now lie on your back with the others. All of you start kissing. That's part of it! Thanks, bud.

Thank you. That was wonderful.