Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.34: Unwise but not Illegal

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

Two married men, Muggins and Cream retire to their man cave to have some bloke chat. That's essentially what this podcast is now. Anything Daniel does now is Kara's fault because that's who she married. Kai finds his friend's jotter from school and shares what they were writing about each other when they were 12 years old. Phillip Schofield get's abused, as do bald men. Enjoy

Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road where we're finally back together. Sloss and Humphreys. Kai has been away gigging on his tour. I have been being lazy and hanging out with Lewis Capaldi because I'm cool. And we've sort of reunited here. I'm going to be honest with you, we don't really talk about the wedding. We kind of touch on it, we try to get into it, but it's like a really... You know, it's hard to fucking talk about because it was a four day thing and we don't know what you want to know.

So we talk about it for a bit. We mainly talk about, I'm definitely racist to North Koreans a lot in it and I don't regret it. And this isn't like a warning. This isn't like a trigger warning because no North Koreans will listen to this because they're not allowed to. And I don't regret what I said. And I don't think I'll take it back. But just be aware. And also feel free to send it to people in North Korea.

I'm not scared of any of them. I'm not scared of a single North Korean because none of them can leave their country. So, bock, bock. If you're Philip Schofield, don't listen to this episode because, oh boy, oh boy, do you get a good going, you fucking pedo.

Jeez, oh, we go after you, you get a good going you fucking pedo jeez oh we go after you alleged pedo confirmed pedo that statement was unwise but not illegal enjoy the rest of the podcast Sloss and Humphries

on the road Muggins and Cream cream and muggins straight thuggin livin' the dream that's our intro fuckin' muggles ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh.

Woohoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical.

Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? You need to get divorced immediately. Why? How long have you been married? Nearly two weeks You need to get divorced immediately. Why? How long have you been married? Nearly two weeks? Yeah. Two weeks on the nose?

Tomorrow? Tomorrow. Danny, I haven't had a solid shit since you've been married. Yeah, but how many solid shits did you have before I was married? More than one. Mate, I've had, like, let us rephrase it. I've had explosive diarrhea since you got married. Two weeks.

That's not food poisoning anymore. That's like dysentery or cholera or IBS. Yeah, but I mean, you've always had arsehole problems. There's no... I don't think anyone listening to the podcast will have any sympathy when it comes to your arsehole. I'm tying this to your marriage. Man, spin it however you got to spin it. Nobody listening to this podcast believes anyone is comes to your arsehole. I'm tying this to your marriage. Man, spin it however you got to spin it.

Nobody listening to this podcast believes anyone is responsible for your arsehole other than you. Anyway, congratulations mate. Thanks man. How are you feeling? In the next couple of weeks? Aye.

Are you recovered? Yeah, mainly. I mean, here's the, here's one of the most annoying bits about after you get married is your new wife will say, can you believe it's over 17 times a fucking day while you go, yeah your new wife will say can you believe it's over 17 times a fucking day

while you go yeah I can that's how time elapses it's like fuck like I miss it it was fun

I was really looking forward to your stuff banging on about the wedding but here we are right but no it's really nice because man we had such a fucking good weekend

but like I am I am able to reflect on it and be like what a good weekend and she's like but it's over and I'm like how are we not past this point

yeah it's over and guess what darling it's gonna be it's over forever it's never coming back do you think it was more all consuming for her

because of the 89% of organising yes because it doesn't feel much different to me because I wasn't doing anything pre-wedding back. Do you think it was more all-consuming for her because of the 89% of organising? Yes! Because it doesn't feel much different to me because I wasn't doing anything pre-wedding. She was on maternity leave so her whole focus while shugging the baby was organising this wedding.

You still were on tour and doing things like that. Yeah. I was a point of call for certain decisions and whatever but she was thinking about it all the time and I wasn't because I'm very used to letting I was a point of call for certain like decisions and whatever but like she was thinking about it you know all the time and I wasn't

because I'm very used to letting smarter women run my life in the background aye background leaving from the front so it's just

a chat's dried up yeah you need to give us something else to focus on Daniel put another baby in her well no So it's just I need Our chat's dried up Yeah I need chat You need to give us Something else to focus on Daniel Put another baby in her Well no

That's been her argument But as I've On a skiing holiday next year No She'll be pregnant by then Okay She's not coming to Altitudes

No she's not No But you want to bring Caelan but No You don't No Oh but they're so cute

When they're little Little ducklings on their skis He's not fucking skiing First of all I'm not raising A fucking French Tory No. You don't? No. Oh, but they're so cute when they're little ducklings on their skis. He's not fucking skiing, first of all. I'm not raising a fucking French Tory. Do you not have to do that first, though? Absolutely not. I did, but you don't have to.

Do you have snowboarding at that age? Absolutely. You know, that, like, you can't even walk fully yet, but we're putting you on skis. I'd rather he picked up snowboarding at seven than he picked up skiing at two. Aye. Keep him working class. No, no.

There's two things. Even though you're born into wealth, you're new money, son. There are three. You are still new money. There are three things you are not allowed to be as a child in my family. I will disown you.

European, religious, and what was the one you used to? A Macam. No, no, no, that's for you. No, you can't have a Macam, even you. No, no, I'm fine with it. You're not fine with having a Macam son.

Yeah, yeah, it wouldn't bother me. Shut up, man. I'm not having a European son, I'm not having a Christian son, and I'm not having any fucking religion. And what were we literally just talking about? Skiing, man. Skiing, and I'm not having a fucking skier. Or a Tory

Sorry but those That's skiing and Tory Completely come hand in hand Aye I think it's fine to ski Up until the age of 10 And then you've got to get on Your snowboard

Or what are you doing Base Think You know what Like You get I say this as someone That did ski

Until I was 12 and then got into snowboarding you'd like get your kid into gymnastics because you want them to have like a base level of like centre of gravity

right so that they can apply that to downhill mountain bike and snowboarding and white high football whatever they do right if you get them into gymnastics

they're going to be class at whatever they put their mind to but you don't want them to keep on with the gymnastics man if Caelan wants to do fucking ballet,

I will go to every single ballet class with him. I'll buy him the best fucking shoes. I'll encourage him to get into tap. I'll encourage him to get into fucking musicals. If he comes home and says, can I ski? I don't have a son. I don't have a son. Do you think that's like a class traitor?

No, no, just it's French. I don't have a son. I don't have a son. Do you think that's like a class traitor? No, no, just, it's French. It's just fucking French. And I will not have a Frenchman in my fucking house under any circumstance. You know what I hate with skiers? It's where they go, but it's faster than snowboarding. And then you're like, so why have none of you ever overtaken us?

Why are you taking up the thing that's faster than not using the thing that's good about it? Why do you drive a fucking sedan if speed's important to you? You losers. No I'm not

so she's not so we're going on our honeymoon in like November she's definitely she wants another kid she's not unsubtle about that but I'm like

there is not a fucking chance you want to be pregnant in the Maldives That would It would be the worst trip Of your fucking life Because that's not

What it's there for But after that She'll Hopefully have a fucking baby In her I'm doing I'm doing altitude She might come

I might convince her But if she's going to be Fucking pregnant What's in altitude Skiing Snowboarding Can't do that Drinking

Can't do that Can't get in hot water Can't get in saunas Shit to the cheese Nothing Can you shit to the cheese When you't do that Can't get in hot water Can't get in saunas Shit tons of cheese Nothing Can you eat shit tons of cheese When you're pregnant No

Can you not No Can I get in the sauna No In the sauna In the jacuzzi You can't really Get in the snowball fight

No Can't see anyone Stoning There's nothing for it Close to your belly I don't know how to do that We've still No

Because now I am enjoying Being married Because like For us nothing really and we've still no because now we're enjoying I am I am enjoying being married because like for us nothing really has changed except for like

the feeling like for me it's like the wedding was never the goal it was always like a marker in the distance and now that it's passed it's the start

for the rest of our lives together which I find exciting yeah I'm excited for the rest of our lives together that's why I proposed to her and got married to her like this is the big

whereas her thing and I don't know if got married Like this is the big Whereas her thing And I don't know if this is like a gender fucking thing But her thing is like Oh, like the wedding was the The event The thing The event, not the marriage Yeah, and now there's

So you were excited for being married And she was excited for a wedding Yeah So your thing that you're excited for Is all consuming And it's all around you And it's all a head here And her thing that she was excited for is in the past.

Yeah. No. No, we're correct. No, no, no. I mean, we've got kids. I mean, look, we're enjoying being... She's like, I've got nothing left to look forward to. She's got two cats. My kid's not a baby anymore. We've cut up early kittens anymore. My wedding's in the past. I'm an old lady.

You said this when you came in. The cats are definitely still kittens. They're just bigger than normal cats They're bigger than normal cats Yeah But they're still Absolutely kittens But you know if I went in And like

Yeah toddler was there But he had a bit of a Fucking goatee beard Yeah I wouldn't be like Oh yeah toddler I'd be like Well he's went through puberty already

Yeah yeah yeah That's an adult That's an adolescent One of Jack's friends as a kid was a kid called Harris, I might say his name, because he plays for Scotland Rugby now. The youth team.

He was, I think, a year younger than Jack, but from the age of four was one foot taller. And that's not me. That's not hyperbole. An actual, legitimate fucking foot taller than all other kids and everyone thought he was mentally ill

because he was in a primary fucking one with five year olds and he looked like a nine year old and he was still saying biscotti, just because he's body development doesn't mean his mind development has been faster, he could be slow he could be a bit slower. He wasn't slow.

He was normal. He was just huge. He was just an unbelievably tall five-year-old. That person lives a different life to other kids. Nearly a whole world experience. People speaking to him slower, treating him like he's fucking thick. No wonder he ended up in rugby.

Man, there's a friend of ours who I will not fucking name, but who is from Africa, and none of us know his age. None of us know his age because he won't tell us because it's got to do with the visa for which country he's staying in now. He lied on it to live in that country.

Does he even know his age? Not really. It's a secret that was whispered to him when he was five. Yeah, yeah. He kind of half remembers it. He vaguely thinks. So it's either like such a big secret that he won't even tell me and our other good friends

or he just doesn't know him himself. I googled to see if I was going to turn 40 on my next birthday in case I got it wrong. What do you mean? I just thought to myself, like, if I was born in 83, and then I'll, like, 2023, I was like, oh, but, like, you're born at zero years old. So you have a whole year at zero.

But then, obviously, 40's got a zero on you. That's how that adds up. It's like how people, and by people I mean Americans, don't understand how centuries work Because if you go What year The year 056 is in which century They're like 0

You're like no it's in the 1st century It's in the 1st century And they're like But there's not a 1 at the front You go Because it's within the 1st century Which is 0 to 100 So the 21st century

They'll be like No it's not It's the 20st century is, they'll be like, but it's not it's the 20th century, it's 2 0 2 3. You fucking brats. So you know if somebody scores in the 69th minute in a game of football they've actually scored in the 75th minute? Yes. Which is how I know that because... That's where the bets pay out.

I've never bet on the minute, but is that how the bets pay out? Because you can bet on a throwing happening in the 7th minute. But would that happen between the minute 6 and 7 how the bets pay out? It is a, well Because you can bet on like a throw in happening in the seventh minute Between the six, yeah yeah But would that happen between the minute six and seven? For that to be the seventh minute because if you're betting on the first minute Well it's never that specific, I don't think it's ever that fucking specific Well if you're betting on the first minute you're betting between zero

And one And one, so to then I can't imagine how many fucking people message Paddy Power when there's a goal scored in the 53rd second right Oh sorry, in the one minute and 53 seconds and they're like, that's the first minute! That's the first minute! It's not the first minute. That's the second minute. It's the second minute, Matt! Count how many minutes there's been. You got taught how to count to two first. That was the first thing we taught you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And somehow at the age of 40, you fucked it up and forgot. So I thought I had one of them and I was just like ooh maybe the optimism the sheer optimism

of just going I mean anybody's checked anybody's checked I am turning 40 in a while and soon soon

and have you seen how bald I'm getting at the back yeah oh aye look at that get that on the camera oh boy And soon And soon And have you seen how bald I'm getting at the back Yeah Oh aye Look at that Get that on the camera Oh boy

Yeah That double crone's joined up hasn't it So what's Well luckily I'm not short Because my wife doesn't notice it She's shorter than me Aye okay And we gave

I'm on stage i'm up with both people yeah i'm getting away with it can't wear hats though famously can't wear hats which also means because if nobody knows i can't wear hats because i've got transparent eyebrows it makes us look like i've had chemo when i've got a hat on because if i cover up my hair it looks like i've got no hair on my face also ego chemo brave boy Big brave boy So I can't wear hats Because of that That also means I can't shave my head

Oh Oh wait Because if I look like I've got no hair On my head And my eyebrows I just look straight up chemo Not no hat

Okay so here's a question Do you go to Turkey For a hair transplant Or do you go to Turkey For an eyebrow transplant I could just tint my eyebrows Couldn't I Wear a hat.

Yeah, like, I mean, actually just get them tattooed on. Maybe that's an experiment we should do. We'll do that for this.

We'll run mascara through your things and then we'll put a hat on you and see if that looks more... I don't think you put mascara on eyebrows. No,

but we're not tinting it, we're not dyeing it. You just do that because that's washable off. Also, that's what I used to do whenever I could, just be like, if my beard hair was actually, you just do that because that's washable off. Also that's what I used to do whenever I could. I'd just be like, if my beard hair was actually black...

Did you mascara your bum fluff? Oh, when I was like 17, 18, absolutely. Just saying, what would I look like if this had colour? And I'm like, oh, still splotchy and shit. That's not, it's just not enough hair. I look like I've designed my face on Skyrim. Yeah. I look like a 1980s cartoon drawing

of somebody with stubble like you can physically count the nine bits of stubble sticking out there it's a Scooby Doo beard I look like fucking Shaggy just the three little fucking bits there aye aye so I mean I could

like I could go and get it dealt with financially but then I want where like it's not like the Bill Burr sketch no there was a

there was a video or a picture posted online Bill Burr would like it that I called one of his stand-up routines a sketch now that little skip Bill Burr did

your wee bit the his turn there's a picture online of A flight back from Turkey And it's just the backs of 14 men's head all Bandaged and everything

I don't know if I'm any fucking torture of it either Here's the thing I have a little bit Of sympathy to Bald white men because we're never going to stop bullying you.

You little fucking slap head. We're never going to stop bullying you. That little phase when they're trying to call it sexual assault. Oh my god, the fuck! Wrong, wrong, baldy. Ha ha, baldy. Get a tit out, get a cunt out, baldy. You fucking bald fuck. Get a rat out of your bald pit

It's like you've got any hair on your little tiny bald cock, you fucking I just wanked off your tiny little bald cock, you fucking It's a section of salt is it, fucking how do you like them apples I bet when I'm fucking from behind a slap you're a chrome dome Or is that one of your arse cheeks, it's hard to tell you little fucking Molested yamma Here's a rape whistle I'll tell you little fucking... Molestanyama. Oh, here's a rape whistle.

Fucking grow-up sexual assault. If you call it sexual assault, I'll physically fucking assault you. I think he's got the X2 way, does the 45-minute little well-fucking-culling-your-cow Caldwelly. So I've got sympathy. Because it's not your choice. Because no one cares about you. Because nobody cares. Nobody cares about you. Do you know why?

It's because you're a straight white man. A straight white bald man. A straight white bald man. That's it. Nobody cares if you're suffering. And that's not fair. It's not fair. Because you didn't choose to be bald

and there's a stigma surrounding it and some people don't like it and you're made fun of and that sucks it sucks but listen to it if you call it

sexual harassment again up your arse that's what it is come on I'll show you what sexual harassment is you can't sexually harass a bald man

even if it's sexual and if anyone disagrees we'll get Craig Hill on to defend himself. So, you feel sorry for old, old men?

I'm sorry, no, I do feel sorry, just like, because I, I mean, me and you have had this discussion before,

I am going grey and I'm going to do nothing about going grey. Like, it's just part of the process of growing up and I don't mind getting older. It's not the best thing, but man, I had really good youth years.

This is the price of it. You know what also? I feel like I'd be more comfortable with going bald if I was a dad. That has made this easier. I think I could, like, of course your dad's bald he's a dad

he's stressed as fuck yeah yeah of course he's got a beer belly he's a dad but I think I'm gonna have to be I'll fucking

I stitch teeth if I'm turning 50 for my kids well because you know I think if you I think if you if you're bald

And you go to Turkey Because like the surgery Is at a point now Where it's good And it's You know It's not safe enough That they're doing it

In the UK yet But I've seen So many people With hair transplants Where you cannot Tell the difference It's a viable option And if people

Fucking feel insecure About it And you've been Bullied about it By arseholes like us For you know, since you were fucking 16, 20, whatever your male part.

Yeah. So what? So what? What are you going to do? Cry about it in the ladies' bathroom and you should have a tampon and you're a wee fuck. Show us your tits,

you wee bald cib. Go on. Baldphobia. It's fallow ground. It's fallow ground. You can be as baldphobic. Follow ground. Follow ground. You can be as bold phobic as you want. Fuck it. Come back to fucking Egg Planet.

Come back to Eggville, Tennessee, you fucking bald coot. And this is so brutal, because I guarantee it was only like two fat bald men who were like and they were gamins and they were in their 60s and they were like well after the Me Too movement if you're not allowed to comment on a woman's look you shouldn't be allowed to comment on a man's look. So if you call a man bald that's it. I guarantee it was just two or three old gaminy fucking cunts

but the way newspapers work they put that in and then cunts like us read it and use it as fuel to the fire. But I bet you bald little pansies agree with it. And me going, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh. It's like fucking 23 and me in fact yelling 3% African. I can say whatever I want about them. I can say whatever I fucking want about them. Start doing Alfie Brown routines.

Always like to come and Defend yourself Alfie Please do Did I tell I don't know if I've told you Or if I've even mentioned it on the podcast But did I tell you about when I fucking Put my foot in my mouth for Alfie Brown on the bus You told me as a person, yeah.

It's fucking... We can't do it without naming a scummy person's name. Okay. No, I can, I can. Okay. And I might have mentioned this on the Mickey Bartlett podcast before I tell you, right? So there's a fucking parody account of a comedian

who's anti-woke, right? And the parody account is just this cartoon of them-woke right and the parody account is just this cartoon of them just going oh I'm sick of all this woke shit and people want to use

gender neutral toilets now and it's just like a fucking piss tick of how shit this comedy is of anti-wokeness right and I'm just on the

fucking like so it's a it's a little mini bus there's about 8 or 9 comics on the bus Mickey Bartlett Connor Burns and that

Alfie Brown's in there New Zealand lad who I just just met. And I'm like, oh, who makes this, by the way? Because it'd come up on my feed,

a new thing. I was like, who makes this? And we're speculating who it could be. Like, is it Richard Gard? Like, Alfie Brown threw a few things in.

Mickey Bartlett had never seen it before and he was like, what is it like? And I just explained what I've explained to you. And then I was like, shall we watch one? Turned the radio down,

got everyone in the fucking people carrier, like, fucking lean in, form Turned the radio down, got everyone in the fucking people carrier, like fucking lean in, form a huddle around my phone, right? And press play. And the opening line was, ah, you see this? Alfie Brown's just been cancelled. Just for using the N word 97 times. All fucking exploded.

Like a fucking, I didn't know. My fucking phone was like a bar of soap with me hands, right, after I had scans. The way you fucking hid your phone was like you were scrolling through pictures

to your mum and you accidentally put on a nude. Like, you're honestly trying to protect us from it. But everyone

fucking lost their mind because the way it was set up, oh, who made this? Like, does anybody know who made this?

Have you not heard of it? Come here and have a listen. It looked like I set it up I had to be like I wish I had the composure yeah even as a fucking comedian

veteran comedian that's been going on for nearly 15 years I have not got the composure to do that kind of set up it would have been too perfect also

thank god it happened to fucking Alfie because I could name 20 comedians off the top of my head who it would have been an entirely different fucking reaction. Oh, he loved it, man. Of course he did.

It was such a cathartic laugh in the bus because we couldn't get over what had happened. Geordie had to pull over the bus. She was fucking trying to pull over and laugh. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't drive. We were fucking, we were howling and it was such a fucking really good,

just like, oh our elephant in the room is that I've got this I have got this everyone let's fucking get rid of this unspoken thing

that's in the coach but aye it was just class it was so fucking funny and like like even telling it second hand because Alfie was just like

I'm going to try and explain how funny that was to me missus when I get back to the hotel and he said he was like it was still funny when I going to try and explain how funny that was to me missus when I get back to the hotel and he said he was like it was still funny

when I told her but just not as funny as the actual because just that in the moment live in the

moment fucking ah you've seen this Alfie Brown's just been cancelled

as I cover them in everyone watch this thing watch this thing

insulting keep watching keep watching Alfie you'll like it he says the P word shall we talk more about your wedding sure

do you know oh wait I've got I want something I just want to talk about because I've I've I've read this thing today

and I cannot get it out of my fucking head and I just find it so so funny so North Korea is still trying to get like satellite into space, but they're just so unbelievably shit at fucking everything. They need the help of other nations.

And no other nations will help them because they're North fucking Korea, right? So Kim Jong-il is still trying to fucking get all this stuff and he's so thick and there's no real scientists in North Korea And there's no real scientists in North Korea because there's no real education in North Korea. Because if you were educated in North Korea, you would be like, oh, hold on, this is archaic, right?

So even the top scientist in North Korea, I am smarter than. I have no doubt in my fucking mind. I am smarter. I'm not sure about that. Unless they stole him from South Korea. Are you being silly? No.

Do you actually think you're smarter than the greatest scientist in North Korea? I 100% believe that. Wow. I 100% believe. That's mad. Right, let's see. How many times have I failed to get a satellite up into space? Zero.

How many times? How many times in I failed to get a satellite up into space? Zero. How many times? How many times in the past five years have the top North Korean scientists failed to get a satellite into space? Do you want that number? Well over 250. They did another one fucking yesterday, right? And it goes up in the air like a fucking kid with a bottle rocket. The fact that even...

Hold on, pause here. Am I still rolling? I think so. Here, look. I'll give you this. I'll give you this. the fact that hold on pause here am I still rolling I think so yeah look I'll give you this I'll give you this

five to ten years ago I was definitely not smarter than the smart scientists in North Korea not because of my education but because of all those

failed attempts he's killed every top you know they're all every time one of these fucking things fails he kills a bunch of scientists and then you're down to the next tier of shitty scientists and then they do a launch and that fails

because they're shit. The entire part of this. So North Korea tried to get a fucking satellite up into space yesterday. It inevitably failed since North Korea is terrible at fucking everything. On the other side, less than 2,000 miles away, Japan's sending a wooden satellite up into space.

Japan is? Made of wood. Successfully? No, they've not done it yet. But they're doing it. They're doing it. That's the biggest fucking flex of all fucking time. Because it's fucking this tiny little shit country.

They can't do it. Was that like that Ibrahimovic saying about Carew? Is it Carew that played for Norway and he was like anything he can do with a football I can do with a

Satsuma yeah I just I just found it so fucking funny these articles were right beside each other

because you know I don't think does anyone take North Korea seriously but you know what I don't take them seriously but I take

them seriously enough to know I'm not the most intelligent scientist there. I don't think I'm the best footballer in North Korea. I don't think I'm the best mathematician. I am absolutely the best footballer in North Korea! I think I'm the best comic in North Korea. I am the best...

I am the best... I'm the smartest scientist in North Korea. I'm the best footballer. I'm the best tennis player. I'm the best dad. I'm the best mum. I'm the best journalist. I'm the most scientist in North Korea. I'm the best footballer. I'm the best tennis player. I'm the best dad. I'm the best mum. I'm the best journalist. I'm the most well-read. Do you just believe that they can't just be normal over there despite living under that government?

100%. 100%. I do not believe any of them can be normal. Because they're not given normal TV. I don't think... Do you know, like... Do you believe that in North Korea you're not allowed to take photos and stuff? No, I only... What I'm bas like... Do you believe that, like, in North Korea, you're not allowed to take, like, photos and stuff?

No, I only... What I'm basing all of this on is, like, the many interviews and, like, the talks of, like, the people from North Korea. But, like, right now, I could go to North Korea... Yeah. ...with a video camera... Uh-huh.

...and show you videos of them all being normal. What do you mean? What do you mean normal? Like, just walking down the street and not all praising Lord Emperor I don't buy it I went to Moscow and was shocked Because they were just quite liberal and nice

And sweet Because it's America and stuff The news does overdo What North Korea does I think they're the best scientists in the whole country They are mental but they're not I'm not even in the whole country. Because they are mental, but they're not. I'm not even in the top thousand scientists in Blythe.

I don't think that's true. Well, I wasn't the best in science in my class. Also, by the way, I was just going to clarify. If this comes across as racist, I'm absolutely fine to be racist to North Koreans. I have categorically not a fucking problem with it. Those bald cunts. I could not care less. I'm never going to go there.

They're never going to hear this. Fuck them all. From the oldest North Korean to the youngest. Fuck every last one of them. Not interested. Pessacated people. Yeah, man. Just... Like, you know what? Now that you mention it, I will need to do more fucking research on it.

That's like you going, fuck all of the kids in Fritzl's basement. Absolute cunts, a lot of them. I will need to do more, because mine was always based on the people that have left and talking about the starvation there and the tactical use of what they're allowed to see and the fear and stuff.

Maybe I should expand my fucking research to more than that but originally this was just a flex to the fact that I think it's so funny you can't get a fucking satellite into space

and then Japan's just there with like a little paper airplane with an elastic band in it and they went it's on the moon can you even do anything

with a wooden satellite is that just a flex or they're just like haha like mock satellite is that how you get channel 5 is that why channel 5 is always fuzzy it's channel five's got a wooden satellite

wood is apparently the new research on it for the past couple of years it is a really good material for in space because it doesn't i was gonna say it didn't tell us hemp makes the best satellites no i think it's i mean you'll probably know more about this they didn't go they didn't go into explanation in the article because obviously someone like me wouldn't fucking understand it. But obviously because it just deteriorates less and there's nothing in space that will fucking make it go down. So it's cheaper. You can get very strong wind.

Obviously, you're not making the rocket that gets it into space out of wood. Yeah. You know, they've read The Three Little Pigs. They made it out of bricks. You know, three little pigs. It's a brick shuttle. We can now talk about the wedding, now that I've done my research.

You hit me with a weird-est slam on one of the previous podcasts. What? You're like, and I'll talk about the podcast with Kai, but obviously he's going to talk about it from his point of view. I'm like, I don't know what else, what other point of view to talk about it from. So this is me talking to you about your wedding from his point of view. I'm like, I don't know what else, what other point of view to talk about it from.

So this is me talking to you about your wedding from the point of view of your mum. Yeah, but I think what I meant is you'll be like, this happened, and then people go, well, that's not what happened. You'll go like, well, I remember it that way, so that's how it happened. And the rest of us have to go, well, I guess we all just live in this alternative reality now.

So the fun stories that I embellish aren't allowed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Bye. So, we arrived on the Thursday. We did. Fucking hell, I'm such a screw-up here. What did we do on the Thursday?

I watched the match. Ah, you did. We played some Frisbee golf. We drank. What did we eat? We must have eaten something. Nope. There was no adults there, Daniel.

Yeah. There was no adults. You hadn't invited anybody that was capable of feeding you? No, that's not true. Jill was there. No, we had a fucking pie. You had some fucking big pie. Oh, yes.

We'd gone to fucking Craigie's and got the big steak pie. Aye, aye, aye. Okay, fair enough. Big nice steak pie. You had some fucking big... Oh, yes. We'd gone to fucking Craigie's and got the big steak pie. Aye, aye, aye. Okay, fair enough. Big nice steak pie. That was such a chill night. I loved that night because it was just knee pressure on.

Like fucking knee pressure to get drunk, just drinking steady. It was fucking... Like I say, I floated off and watched the match for a bit, enjoyed the land, played a bit of Frisbee golf, fucking peacock strut and run,

which the novelty didn't wear off after four days of fucking these majestic beasts. Also, let's talk about the fucking noises that peacocks make. They're like the goats off Love and Thunder. Oh, they're not the worst thing to happen to movies. I mean, they're definitely ballpark, that noise. But yeah, it's just like... Majestic plume the feathers that are cultivated

over the course of the spring yeah to bring in a new mate and then then the dude you're like just zip it

be like hey hey I don't know if you know this but you actually with that noise you belong in a city centre in Australia

like that's that's the noise that exists there you know you know when a lass is like Australia. That's the noise that exists there. You know when a lass is gorgeous, like fucking 10 out of 10 good looking, and they're speaking that scouse, and you're like, oh, okay. Okay, I see the catch, I see the catch.

Scouse is one of them. Scouse is one of those accents where you just go... Don't be thick, make and muck Makes you sick I'll have six Make chicken nuggets And a crunchy McFlurry I'm gonna have me cocks inside me body man I'll have a muck like Gerard

He's got the luch Alright alright Put a sock in it Put a sock in it I don't think I could buck a I don't think I could buck a I don't think I could Buck a glass glass Like a real glass glass

Not your glass glass Fucking Sean Spier I like it Alright Fife You're in a room with two people That are shagging Glaswegians You're fucking an Abedonian

Oh yeah she is quite thick Thick accent sorry Thick accent for a bit She's a dumb bitch She's a dumb bitch She'd be maybe the number five scientist in North Korea If they kill a few more I think

The Glaswegian one Like the really heavy I mean Let's stop slinging shit out I reckon a real Fucking a real Five check I didn't care

Where you're from I'm going to Fucking come That's fucking Clash I'll fucking Y'all right with me Y'all right

That's classical Excuse me Can you come On my tits please I'm just I'm no on the pill And that fucking Johnny looks pretty shit

oh god whatever Johnny I can't believe I got HIV from a blowjob can you can you book a Johnny lass

oh yeah man I'm suppin' wet ho aye I could aye it's a fun accent aye Bristol

oh Gertlush right up me chifter What a wide fucking cock you've got Big fan of that Fully on board absolutely Tiddly dee shove it up me cunt That's a tree answer So peacocks are heavily accented Beautiful heavily accented people I know

So peacocks are heavily accented Beautiful heavily accented people And they're dumb as fuck So it's like There's a specific like mating season And then the peacock ladies Lay their peacock eggs And then they'll just be like

Sitting down on their eggs And other peacocks will have no idea that that's a woman that's just given birth and is trying to raise her child. And all the other peacocks will be like, huh? Seen that bitch up there? She's stood right up there.

And the maternity ward. And some of this bitch. Literally, it's like going to the maternity ward. They'll be like, which one are you slutting? What do you reckon of that? What do you reckon of this? This will wait. What do you reckon of this? This will never make it onto Instagram.

This will not. You said they've ruined it. Going to get cancelled. Yeah, ruined the fucking bit because male nipples aren't allowed on Instagram anymore, are they? I don't know. Oh, so instead of letting women's tits on,

they've stopped males. That's not what we're trying to achieve, guys. We've lost sight of the goal somewhere along the way. We're trying to see tits. We're trying to free the nipple. Well, I think maybe that may be wrong maybe that's the

I think because women's nipples definitely aren't but like yeah male nipples no twitch did that is that where my confusion

is aye gorgeous I wouldn't I wouldn't this just give birth being like I can tell you want this

fat cock don't you love I'm just trying to breastfeed my son take my dick I've just had six stitches mate no more than him me gooch

which is me asshole like it's they also flirt with themselves like so the equivalent of that would be like while the guy's flirting with all the women

in the maternity ward he turns around sees a mirror he's like who needs you choose, slut? Johnny Bravo. Speaking of,

you made us think with that nipple thing. I was there with one of my mates yesterday before the gig and she was telling us that she took her son to this overseas football trip over in Amsterdam. And they took the whole like squad of lads back and run fucking Amsterdam

and happened upon the Red Lake District so all these like fucking nine year old lads were just like put fucking all of the curtains shut immediately

boom boom boom I never even thought about that imagine how awkward that is for the lasses they just there like fucking want some of this shit

fancy but I'm just tidying. Hold on. Cleaning up. I do not buy any of this. Like, it just happened upon the red light district. Fuck.

No way, man. Walking around Amsterdam with a group of kids. No way. Do you think the dads, do you think the dads were like, I wonder what's this way? Oh yeah,

oh yeah, just the maps taking me this way. Aye. Bullshit. You don't think it can happen upon the Red Light District walking around aimlessly just having a little wander around the shops? No. Because, first of all, it's only weed shops and pubs.

It's not like there's creches. But it's also not signed. It's not signed, is it? Maybe it is. Probably is. I mean, there's red lights. Like the clues in the fucking name. Like surely the first time you see a red light,

you're like, all right, well, let's... Maybe that's just a Geordie initiation. Just take, I'm a Geordie lad, I'm from Amsterdam. There you go. It's funny. There we go. Back on the boat. If your mum asked, we won 3-0.

Just go down to some trophy shop in Amsterdam. Just make out to Blythe Youth Spartans, please. Make second place. We want it to be unbelievable. The flights are really expensive. I thought you got the ferry. No, no, no. Just spend thousands, thousands on flights.

Oh, yeah, those poor women. That must be, aye, not what you want to see but imagine it's like school trip coming during the way where they had I mean

that felt wrong I shouldn't have said that beep that I was about to try and compare it to stand up being like you know that awkwardness

of like of like when you're doing a show and there's a kid and not a baby I don't like babies in shows is always a weird thing that happens like I understand why doing a show and there's a kid. Not a baby. Babies in show is always a weird thing that happens.

I understand why parents do it, but it's... And as a comedian, it doesn't bother me as long as the... And I understand that kids can sleep through things and babies can sleep through things and you're a responsible parent. You'll take your baby out in the back if it does make noise. That's not why I don't like babies in show.

I don't like babies in the show because all 40 people around you are going to be going, there's a baby. There's a baby there. Why is that baby there? And they you are going to be going there's a baby there's a baby there why is that baby there and they're not going to be watching the fucking art

under the age of like 13 like when those kids are in audiences like I'll always take it to the fucking parent but it is like an uncomfortable thing unless you're John Mulaney

and you have a plant do you think so? confirmed confirmed confirmed you know what God is? Baby Jay John Mulaney

The kid that you fucking speak to Ouch Is a plant We have friends that were at the London show And said the exact same thing happened there Ouch That hurt me that Yeah it's gross

That hurt me It's gross You know what I did think it was a little bit You know when he was just like You over there how old are you? You can't say that No We've been on these stages

You are not You are not pointing someone out that's up on the balcony. To be fair, the way John Mulaney does light it, because as long as the shots from the back, he's not like me, where he's like,

make them invisible to me. Yeah. So I believe that he could see it. He could see it. But I mean, it's a confirmed plant. Yeah, and it was just,

I thought he'd actually like, come on first, done a bit of comparing and found the kid. So this is how I thought it was conveniently like, you, how old are you? I thought he'd actually like come on first, done a bit of comparing, found the kid. So this is how I thought it was conveniently like, you, how old are you? I thought he'd come on, done a little bit of flirting with the audience, done a bit of comparing, spotted the kid. And then went, right, right, I'm going to bring you into the show and then get off. Yeah.

I thought he'd set it up on the day. But I didn't think he brought it along, he's having a 13 year old. Weird. Is this a Patreon? No. Okay, you might. Saving it? Mm-hmm. long he's having 13 year old weird is this a patreon no okay saving it um so you're saying you know like didn't bring kids under the age of 13 of a gig because that's a bit weird um i can confirm that like anything that was said on stage i mean i can't confirm that anything that was said on stage would have like been oh my, clutch me pills, I'm an innocent child. Because

I found recently I was sent a book of poems that we wrote when we were in school. When we were 12. Do you want to read what girls were writing about me in the jotter when they were 12 years old? Girls were writing about...

Do you want to read what... Yes, I do, but I need... Yes, infinitely more. First of about, do you want to read what? Yes, I do. But I need further. Do you want context? Yes, infinitely more. First of all, because you said we, and we means us. Right. So my daughter hasn't shown up, right?

But Tracy Stansfield, remember Tracy, who comes to the gigs? Our son came to our gig when he was about 10. Yes. And he's about 25 now. Yeah. So their youngest, 16. So she's got two kids

the youngest 16 and eh and he come to me show with her on ehm Saturday in London and ehm we're talking about

these poems that we used to write we're just like fuck we used to just roast each other we used to just like chat like fucking the worst shit

and then hand each other a jot and just fucking there's a fucking roast about you and eh and I put a picture of me Tracy and her son up and this lass who I knew

because Tracy goes Sarah's probably got my jotter because I think she ended up with it I just haven't spoken to her so just for any international jotter is like our workbooks like school workbooks and you'd put wallpaper on it

yeah you'd wallpaper them I don't know why you'd wallpaper your jotter yeah it was a weird thing it was like there was a period in time in schools when they made you wallpaper your jotters and also whenever so everybody whenever

there's art you had to bring in your one of your dad's old shirts so you could put it on backwards while you did uh yeah like weirdly everybody knew what the inside of your house looked like you got it in a school again a little sample of what my waltz are in case you're wondering what inside the Humphreys household looks like White clouds and a blue background Weird living room Oh wait, hold on The Toy Story wallpaper And I have got Andy written on my foot

So I looked The first time she mentioned about we used to do these And that one might be in existence I looked up Sarah Rafferty, right, and couldn't find her. Obviously married, got a married name. And she commented on the post, I've got one of the jotters. Do you want to read what girls are saying about this when they're 12? Absolutely.

Absolutely. Also, I'll just mention this because you'd mentioned it before and it really only fucking hit home to me the other day. You used to do it as a bit. I, we kind of got, Kara's taking my second name because she asked me if I had a preference

and I had to admit, yeah, even though I'm a forward-thinking person, some arcane part of me wants you to have my fucking second name, right? Because there's a million Mitchells, there's no slosses,

my son is called Sloss, he's our son. But now, for a bunch of bullshit reasons that anyone could pick apart, I wiped off my second name. If you really don't want it, I won't force you to, but Carol's like hey, it's important to you, I love you, doesn't make too much difference to me, absolutely,

I'll change my name to Mr Sloss. But there was just no way you were changing it to Mitchell, that was just like, nah, I'm not getting down on one, you're not getting down on one knee, I'm not taking a second aim not happening and I know I know this is a bigoted backwards

opinion I have and I really am trying to work on it fucking so what Baldy you're a bird set I'm growing

I'm blah no I know a man That did it Because His wife had a child That he raised

And when he married Her mother The girl called him dad Still calls him dad Even though They're divorced now Uh huh Um

He wanted to have The same second name As her The daughter And she couldn't Change her second name Because the original dad Even though he was

Playing no part Wouldn't have it and all that so he changed his name to be the same as his daughter's which is really sweet. That's a real fucking loophole on it that. And then he changed it back the minute they got divorced. Excuse me darling, I'm just going to change

my second name to your ex-boyfriend's name, is that cool? Why didn't you put it like that? It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my fucking life. Oh, no, it wasn't the ex-boyfriend's name. It was the mother's name. Oh, right, okay. It was the mother's name. Right.

Then in that one... I would love to have gotten involved in that form of slander on this particular friend. Okay, I'll concede. A friend who I know, right, are on this particular friend. Okay. I'll concede. A friend who I know, right, will listen to this podcast when I'm dead. He's never listened to the podcast just in the fact that he's never

ventured into the world of podcasts, but I know he'd love this. And one day he's going to do the full catch up. It'll be really funny whenever we tell these little stories about him when he knows it's about him. So just to finish the point her name is now Cara Sloss

Mrs Sloss it's my mum do you know that's one of my routines yeah that's what I'm saying got you the good thing is my mum isn't Mrs Sloss

my mum is Dr Sloss yes got you so there's like there's a bit of a there's a bit of thing thing there it's weird isn't it yeah

what a weird tradition it's now really made me... It was the second that somebody went, Mr. and Mrs. Sloss. And I went, oh, what have I done? Ah, yeah. Linda. She's still got time to undo it and not send the forms in.

Am I going to let her do that? Oh, that was a funny moment. Listen to me. Let. Let. Let my wife. On the Thursday, it was so funny because you wouldn't let it go, it was not your fault.

And you're still not going to let it go, it was not your fault. Cara handed you the file with the certificates and the passports in and you were going into the car specifically to take these down to the place. And you went to the car with the thing in your hand that she'd give you and then you went, ooh, board games. Already wrong. Oh, is this what you meant by Kai's going to tell his version of the game? Yes.

It was nothing to do with the wedding itself. It was to do with you fucking not taking it out on us, Shane. You are telling the story wrong. I come into the room. Can I just give some facts then? Sure. Right. You were handed passports and wedding certificates.

Correct. You left the passports and wedding certificates Next to the board games Yes, correct You then proceeded to say We've lost the wedding certificates Wrong And every

I've lost the wedding certificates And then everybody in the house Looked for the wedding certificates And couldn't find them Because why would anyone check up by the board games And then Jack Checked up by the board games Yeah, then Jack checked off by the board games. Yeah, he did.

Like, fuck, fuck. And then you were just like, not my fault. Not my fault. Not my fault. So that's the facts. That's the facts about it. Dude, utterly not my fucking fault. There are, especially in a relationship,

if Cara was somebody I'd never met before, if you were somebody I'd never met before, if my brothers were people I'd never met before, entirely my fucking responsibility. Cara knows me. I have, we don't know what it is I'd never met before, entirely my fucking responsibility. Cara knows me. I have, we don't know what it is. We don't know if it's ADD.

We don't know if it's ADHD. We don't know if it's just, my brain's mangled for years of fucking drug abuse. I cannot focus on one thing at a fucking time. And when I am, I can be really focused on it. If you distract me in that time, I will delete every memory of my current fucking task.

I wish this wasn't the way I am. I would love a pill to make this not be the way I am. Unfortunately, it is the way I am. And if you are marrying me, it is your responsibility when I am running around the room, getting stuff in the car, to not give me the most vital document in the world. And grab you by the hair and go, this is vital. Stop what you're doing. Look at at this don't let go of this and then so so she does exactly that she's like do not let go of this do not let go of this do not lose this and i'm like great i'll go put it in the car i go to put

in a car she went what about board games and i went oh yeah great idea i go up get the thing leave it there her fault her fucking fault her fault entirely i take zero responsibility how fucking i can see how this marriage is going to work it's you not taking accountability for your own actions and her just going path of least resistance i am sorry daniel for not handing she never she She never apologised. Again, this is, no. She made fun of me the entire time and I took the fucking abuse. I'll just not have the fun. It's like, I think...

It was so funny watching you just do all of the talking at the venue, just talking. Basically what you've just done there and everyone just saying, uh-huh. It's, in relationships, I believe your fucking responsibility is to understand what your partner needs doesn't need can do won't do and and cara does that so much in a relationship and i do it so much like

she understands uh like i understand that if she's man if she's fucking feeling tired like she she'll be on fucking low energy sometimes she doesn't feed herself because she's distracted by other things i know that about her so instead of yelling at her for not eating or anything I'll just go cook something for her and bring it to her because I know if she's handed food

she'll always eat it if you ask her what she wants she'll not be able to tell you what she wants so you just cook something for her give it to her so you figure out

the workaround that's what I mean Natalie has learnt to just be really explicit with instructions to me crucial like don't leave anything unsaid or implied no like tell me everything that needs to be pre really explicit with instructions to me. Crucial. Like, don't leave anything unsaid or implied. No.

No. Like, tell me everything that needs to be... Pre-heat oven to this. Shut oven door. Put tin foil down on the... These are the instructions. Remove from the box. And don't look. This stupidity, this stupidity is 100% our fault.

It's our fault as people. But I have made a cup of coffee without a cup before. I forgot the cup. And since you're meant to be like the other half of me and keep this thing going. And look, I'm awake.

She's like, milk one sugar, please. She didn't say a cup. And you're like, you can't even milk sugar So The other one You see that meme where it goes It says chill in the freezer

And he's just reading a book in the freezer Sorry go on The other one that I'm trying to bring up to Is again This is something again My fault My responsibility That there just needs to be more Compassionate understanding Sorry, go on. The other one that I'm trying to bring up to it is, again, this is something, again, my fault, my responsibility, that there just needs to be more compassionate understanding.

I don't know if I'm a bit deaf or if I just don't pay attention to things. Like, I just, I don't think it's selective fucking hearing, but like, and I hate being the person, there's nothing worse than the third what. There's nothing worse. You're going to have to say that again. Write it say that again write it down here right sorry what did you say and then when you're going right this is my fault because i'm fucking this is my fault because i'm deaf and i and it's excruciating and i and i put my ear forward and i'm really fucking trying to listen i'll have kaylin in my arms screaming and there will be two cats meowing there,

and she'll be sat on the couch facing the opposite direction, and then she'll whisper me an important bit of information. She'll be like... What?! I said... What?! I know it's my fault. I wish I wasn't fucking deaf.

But can you turn around and speak to me to give me lip reading as a fucking... Text me if you don't want to make eye contact. Have I married Shy Ronnie? I know it's my fault. I know. I wish I wasn't fucking deaf. And I can see you're not getting exasperated, but when it's not worse, the fourth time you say watch, she goes know it's my fault. I know, I wish I wasn't fucking dead. And I can see, not getting exasperated,

but like when, it's not worse, the fourth time you say what, she goes, it doesn't matter. And you go, it does matter. It was important enough for you to repeat it three times. I want to hear it for the fourth time so I can do whatever it is. But you need to put effort into it.

That's where sound goes. I hope it's out here. If I hear Natalie talking from another room, we both know that's not important. We're just like, ah, cool. Cool, yeah. Uh-huh. Sure.

It's like a WhatsApp you're never going to catch up on. Yeah. That was sad. I didn't need to catch it. Would you like to see what girls were writing about me in their jotter when they were 12? There's a couple of these. One of Maine was actually written into this jotter where they copied it out of my jotter into this one.

So you do get to read One of Maine. This is a... Kai's poem. I didn't write this one. I can tell by the handwriting it's not yours. I don't know what your shitty iPhone did. Do you know what I mean? He looks so cool.

Thanks. With ginger hair. Yeah. People tend to stop, stare. Stop and stare. Is in quotation marks. So it's either like short version of and or. Shake and vac. Oh yeah. Salt, mm, vinegar. People tend to stop and stare. Of all the family, he's the runt.

Oh no, that rhymes with. Because he fancies James Blunt. People tend to stop and say, of all the family, he's the runt. I don't know what that means. Because he fancies James Blunt. He was probably also about nine at the time. Because he's the fucking ugly guy. Are you the same age as James Blunt? I've got no idea. I'm 39, but I don't know how old James Blunt is.

I reckon James Blunt, 47. There's a date in some of the journals so we can actually know we were 12 when these were written he belongs in Stoke-on-Trent that's the worst thing anyone can say about a person I've always known he was bent

he's the last in the human race oh by the way he needs a brace that bit was true but the Stoke-on-Trent bit like it's so funny like you go

why would you say that about a child that he belongs in Stoke-on-Trent that's the worst thing you can ever say about a person. The next line is, I've always knew he's bent. You're like, I wouldn't mind if I was bent.

Oh, yeah, I'm gay, I'm cunt. I'm runt of the litter. I buck teeth. Stoke-on-Trent, bud! Hiya, man, Tracy. We're 12. I've got a family. So this is

That's one about Kevin Turner Okay That's Tracy Stansfield Wesley Mann So there's like I gotta ask Right How come

Girls Handwriting Is Immaculate From the age of 5 Dunno I think they take pride in it They must do

Aye But like I think it's important to them Is it I don't want to be sexist here But is it Is it because I think they take pride in it They must do I think it's important to them I don't want to be sexist here but is it because they keep diaries Is it because they write lots of things

all the time I didn't think anyone would find that old thing I thought it was crappy Forgive me handwriting I remember all the way through fucking high school you've just got all the blokes fucking high school she's just got like all the blokes there holding it in their

even like people holding it properly it's fucking doctor chicken scrot every single woman just had this fucking little bag of all

their little gel pens their weird ways of writing their G's and their Y's it was all joined up writing fucking calligraphy and there's me being like

the dog went to the zoo I clutch in it pencil sharpen at both ends I like this one drugs are good for you if you are going to take drugs please ask permission of your mother

I've generally done that if you want to take drugs and you don't know where to get them phone the drugs helpline on 016 they will be happy to advise you oh and that number

is Tracy's number house number house number absolutely so probably still her parents house number yeah yeah yeah

so if you want phone up Stacey's mum and ask her if you can do drugs because Stacey's mum has got it going. It's Tracey also. Or whatever. And also, if you're trying to quit,

snap out of it! And phone our other helpline on 01670. And Sarah will try her best to persuade you not to Will I shite? Will I shite? She'll say it as she won't Will I shite? Oh, will I shite?

Will I boosh? Oh, okay Do you want to read another one about me? Sure Oh, read Stupid Letter Stupid Letter's fun To Sarah How are you today?

I am very kush Kush-ty About that Okay Kush Kush Kush Kush

And in case you didn't know I think Richie's lush So it actually was kush Do you fancy Neil? Sarah Or is it Dishy Kai? Yes it's Kai

I know it is So don't bother to lie. Are you going to ask him out, Sarah, or are you bloody not? Oh, please do. Go on, Sarah. Don't be such a snot. I'm sure that he'll go out with you. I'm sure he really will, because it says in the shaggy dolls, he'll pay his proxy bill.

Yeah. 12. 1996 this was written. he'll pay his Prozzie bill yeah 12 12 1996 this was written Prozzie bill I wrote you know the raggy dolls

aye they had the theme tune raggy dolls raggy dolls dolls like you and me I changed it to

shaggy dolls and I must have mentioned in my rhymes in my bars that I prayed me Prozzie bill so if you want some money says Sarah okay if you want some money

says Sarah okay and you want a shag come out on the game with me I'm sure that you can tag

if you come out with me Sarah no more will be posh and it's not the men we want it's their fucking dog

12 why this man in this million It's their fucking dog. Twelve. Why this? Man, there's millions. This is Wesley Mann and Kevin Turner looking into each other's eyes, playing table tennis by the looks of it. What yous did before phones, eh? So, right, this one's weird, right?

They're all weird, mate. No, no, this one specifically. Okay. Because this switch is handwriting, because this is they're all weird mate no no this one specifically okay because this switch is handwriting and I'm sure that's my handwriting right and it's a roast slam on me

so I think Tracy showed us a poem slamming me and then I just finished it I think that's what happened am I reading this whole thing? and there's a police turn over

on this one so you'll have to look at the back of the iPhone that's what happened. Am I reading this whole thing? And there's a police turn over on this one, so you'll have to look at the back of the iPhone. That's like when I asked Bros to send us a picture of his passport, and he sent us a picture of his passport. Oh, not this. I hate him because he's a SWAT. I confronted him.

He says he's not. And we all know that he is gay. With Stephen's dicks, he likes to play. They're all know that he is gay with Stephen's dicks he likes to play, they're all 12 right so we apologise for all the homophobic different time back then when there were no gays imagine getting cancelled for something we said when we were 12

Stephen doesn't mind at all he covers them with grandma's shawl, he was at the chapel with his gran, he jumped the priest, then off he ran. He attends the chapel's coffee days, and with the priest, he goes and prays. At least that's what he tells the people.

They're really shagging in the steeple. Of all the family, he's the runt. They say he's such an ugly cunt. We use that right. They must be right. They can't be wrong. Rumors say he wears a thong. I think his hair might need a trim

If Catherine is to fancy him And then we move on to Kai's handwriting So listen to this being much slower God it's like You know that bit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail Where it's like There's the

The warning for the Little rabbit thing. And it's really nice writing. And then it's, and it's him being murdered. And that's what, all the meme of the drawing of the horse depicted in game of Thrones. Yeah.

I season it. Yeah. Drawn in several parts. Okay. Chris Evans. Not, not, not,

you went to school with Captain America, not Captain America. You went to school with Captain America. Not Captain America. You went to school with Captain America. No, no, I am talking about the now radio DJ, then big breakfast presenter, ginger with glasses, Chris Evans. Chris Evans is who he looks like and his grandma is a dyke. Jesus. Twelve.

His teeth slick out a little bit and we all know he talks pure shit. He has a dog called Bender Butch. No idea. He likes the dog to lick his crotch. Crotch. I spelled it wrong. Yep.

I must say I was impressed when I saw him get undressed. His little dick was gone and bare. He called just... It looks like my handwriting. Insisted there was a fancy bear. Then I saw he had boobs and on his nipples were tiny pubes. I don't know if Tracy was dictating while I wrote it or if I was trying to just do me in the style of Tracy

All I can say is fancy that, isn't he a freaky twat, his pubes should be on his dick, I bet he felt like such a prick and Muncie is such a and Matty is such a whiz a laboratory disaster

is what he is. I hate him. I hate him. I really do. I'll crack his head with my fucking shoe. But now it's time to leave it there, for I must go and dye my hair. Tracy.

Tracy. Just, I can't, when you were, I can't remember what you said there, but you were talking about grooming a little bit weren't you not is that what you said when

just during that just now oh no I was saying I don't know if Tracy was like telling me what to write and I was writing it down or if I was just doing it in the style of her

aye that's what I said but I'll give you one more there's millions of these about different people who you won't know right but this is

I wanted to talk this is the one that I wrote that she copied from my jotter into hers. I was going to say, that's not your fucking handwriting. This poem was written by Kai Humphries ages ago about me, parentheses,

Tracy. Good, isn't it? 14th of April, 1996. Tracy. Is this, let's not be normal season, she shaves her eyebrows for no reason she dyes her legs and dyes her hair and carries on without a care she'll pierce her nose but once a week i

have to admit she's a man-made freak if i were her mom i'd send her packing until she finds that brain she's lacking her legs are red she's got purple hair. If I were her, I'd cry. It's unfair. I'd point a gun towards my head and in two seconds flat, I would be dead. Because guns famously take two seconds. She's got to bleed out. Oh no, I'd be shocked. Two seconds to bleed out from a headshot. Well, she said I should be in Stoker Trent.

That's what she gets Alternatively I wouldn't sleep at night I'd cry I'd scream Having a good Life Would be such Would just be a dream

I'd take a knife Slash through my throat Tracy take advice From what I've wrote Jesus You ever hit that? Twelve Nah

Nah but we used to go into the school nurse and say she was pregnant I mean I told you that you're going to tell the nurse that she was pregnant you're pregnant love tell

born in the oven so we're chatting about this we used to go into the school nurse and say that that would be shagging and we think she may be pregnant and we're both like 12 years old and we used to date because it was

bit a cold outside and he could just go in and be inside by just taking up the school nurse's time and we were gone but we used to always go in and we used to tell her all this that social services should have been phoned for so why weren't social services phoned the nurse knew what joke joking she was in on it yeah the nurse was just humouring her and also blithe

it's just normal it's like hurry up hurry up kids there's a queue she's all cradling their bellies so

the bit I really like is that Tracy went on to become a teenage pregnancy and drop out of school because she was pregnant at school

oh the girl who cried wolf and em the absolute happy story like fucking still with the same fella he was one of the teachers

he's in his 60s and he was retired and finally after all these years his ban on teaching has finally been lifted he's finally allowed within 500 feet

of a school again. Which is great because his kids have been outside there for ages. Happy family, like fucking the kids' adults. I was going to say two things here. We're never going to get around to telling the full story of the fucking wedding. The only way to do this is if you have any

questions about the wedding, send them in and we'll answer those. Otherwise... We've got time to do another podcast if you want to keep rolling no no no i have i have shit to do so we'll do the next one we'll talk about it piecemeal over the course of his wedding yeah yeah over the course of the podcast and stuff but if you've got any questions that you want answered about the fucking wedding send it through to just give us a jumping off point because otherwise we're just going to be telling your fucking story like at the end of summer holidays and then we went to this bit and then we went to this bit and it's i don't know what you want to fucking know also you must feel fucking vindicated that philip schofield oh man that fucking come prophetic to me i was prophetic

and fucking pathetic like a man i find it man you can tell he knew what he was doing and he is guilty of everything he's being fucking accused of and he should go to fucking prison. If the best thing that a million pound PR team can come up with to defend you is unwise but not illegal, prison! Prison! Unwise but not illegal. Prison! Prison! Unwise but not illegal is...

Millions and millions of pounds. Professionals, right? Who are able to bring careers back. The best thing they can say about what you fucking did was it was unwise but not... Hey, hey, hey. He did something fucking horrific. But technically, technically, not a crime. Not touching target, man. Yeah, hey, it's not a... Hey, hey, hey. He did something fucking horrific. But technically,

technically, not a crime. Not touching cognac, man. Yeah. Hey, it's not a crime. You know what's... I'd rather do something wise and illegal. Yeah.

Drugs. Yeah. Wise, illegal. I wouldn't say wise. I don't know. Most of my best wisdom's come from that. Remember? Teat abix.

Remember teat abix? No. Where I poured a cup of tea on me with abix because there wasn't enough milk. We shouldn't have just put milk in your fucking tea there. No, I poured a cup of tea On me Weetabix Because there wasn't enough milk We shouldn't have just put milk In your fucking tea then No there was a tiny little bit of milk

Enough to make a cup of tea Poured me tea on me Weetabix That was wise Oil on a drug That Philip Schofield bit You know when I was telling it Because it never really popped on stage Even when you look at that clip

That I'd done Half the audience going for it half of them just like why is he talking shit about National Treasure

right like on the podcast I'm fucking riffing about it not really getting much back in the way of like fucking I've been

saying this right like I felt like that South Park episode where they're shooting up the school and Stan's like why are we not talking about this

it was Stan's mum wasn't it Stan's mum like why are we not talking about this and everyone's like why are we not talking about this it was Stan's mum wasn't it Stan's mum why are we not talking about this and everyone's like woo I'm absolutely

fucking thrilled aye yeah really thrilled that his life's gone to shit absolutely

you can tell man I just think you can tell he's got that fucking you know early Palpatine vibes.

Yeah, yeah. You're going, ah, yeah, he's going to be the bad guy. He went to the Queen's funeral. Fuck him. Fuck him. Like, oh, God, I'm really hoping. Yeah, his recent stuff that he's saying, he's like, oh, I know how Caroline Flack must have felt

before she killed herself. He didn't? He fucking did. I mean, I don't know any sources. I saw this quoted. I saw it in quotation marks on the internet. Mind you, Caroline Flack also did fuck someone else on the range and grouped them.

Oh, did she? Allegedly. Allegedly. Did she? Yeah, one of those. I'm pretty sure she was buying in one of the One Direction ones when it wasn't cool. It's hot when it's that way.

Go and Google that. Because generally, I don't want to slander her good name if I am slandering her good name. So Google was Caroline Flack and Nones. Aye. Aye, because that's the fucking... He's not going to do that. He's too much of a narcissist. He's not going to do that. He's too much of a narcissist.

He's not going to... All of a sudden, he fucking claimed he would. He was like, oh, man, I would have... Touch wood. If it wasn't for my daughters being with me for the past week, I wouldn't be here. And you're like, man, how good's that PR company? I just don't fucking...

It's a quote from her. It's really bad. She was like, I never felt She was 17, he was 17 Harry Styles, she was 31 She said, I've never felt I was much older than Harry I still feel 18 and I probably act that way half the time She said that people called her a pervert

for dating a 17 year old Eww On wise? On wise, Colin? On wise but not illegal 17 year old because you're unwise because you're unwise unwise but not illegal not illegal but

that is but you right no 16 16 but that make a difference so this is where

I think the legality comes into it for Philip Schofield position of power he's working as a like you know if a university teacher

fucks a 21 year old student illegal statutory because the thing that the thing that i think it's katherine ryan regularly brings it up and i do agree with her which is why older men dating younger women much like leonardo caprio does is always fucking creepy it's because the late part of the teens for women is a very important time in the development of i believe believe, their prefrontal cortex, their decision-making skills, and it's a very, it's an important time for the brain, and men come in and...

Manipulate it. Manipulate them and get in that prime time when they're easy to, and that's why men do it, and that's why it's creepy, and even though it's not illegal, it doesn't make it not fucking sinister, creepy, gross, and awful.

Uh-huh. Right? The reason we've made the law 16 is so that 19-year-olds don't get arrested for fucking 16-year-olds because a three-year gap isn't that fucking bad. And also, a 13-year-old gap between the ages of 43 and 30, not that fucking bad. But if you were specifically dating people

under the age of fucking 20, when they're still fucking developing, and you were over the age of 30, you are a fucking creep. I don't think it's illegal to eat your own shit. But you know, if you're fucking developing and you are over the age of 30, you are a fucking creep. I don't think it's illegal to eat your own shit. But you know, if you're fucking whacking... Unwise, but not illegal. But you know, if you're fucking whacking to work, right,

pop open your fucking lunch case and pick out a steamer and just start fucking chowing down on it, lick your fingers and then fucking get back to work. Everyone's going to hate you. Doesn't matter what your personality's been like around that. You're the shit-eating cunt. He fucking sold his apology to the sun anyway.

That's not an apology if you sell it. Well, he had to make all the money back from the PR company he paid to come up with on Wise But Not Illegal. That's the name of this podcast, by the way. On Wise But Not Illegal. Yeah, I think slandering dead Caroline Flagg. to come up with on wise but not illegal that's the name of this podcast by the way on wise but not illegal yeah I think slandering dead Caroline Flagg

is on wise but not illegal it's the perfect name it would actually have been a good name for the podcast as a whole right well thanks for tuning in see you in Romania

and remember be kind be and remember be kind be kind hashtag be kind to Philip yep yeah he didn't do

he didn't do anything really great it's not as if he was a 50 year old millionaire who got a job specifically where he worked and like all of those people

ages ago in the sun who had the countdown timer for Carla sorry Charlotte Church until she became it's definitely not just the gay male equivalent of that.

It's not that at all. But it is, bud. It is. These are nonce.