Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.35: Bedtime Rider

Episode Date: June 14, 2023

Drunk, stoned and high on life in Bulgaria, Muggins and Cream wrap up a sensational leg of the tour with a giddy and inappropriate extended episode. The boys have been thoroughly entertained by master baiter Dave Longley in their comments section. They are shocked to discover a bed time on their rider.

Hello, non-Patreon listeners. Thank you for tuning in. Well, I mean, there are Patreon listeners who are getting this earlier, but I don't really need to market to you, because you're Patreon viewers, so I've got your money. It means nothing to me. Oh, yes, sorry. So, look, we're in Bulgaria.

We've had the time of our life on our Romanian Transylvania, even though Transylvania is part of Romania, but it's like a complicated thing that nobody really explained it to me and I'm not sure what it means. And our Bulgarian tour, it's all been great. We

finalised it here. We also have... We're in Varna. We have a park for the first time. have a perk for the first time. Well, not for the first time. 40 minutes into the podcast, I shouldn't have told them the time. Now they can skip to it.

We should have just said it any time. At some point. At some... I've already said it. I think you got it wrong. Oh, good, because we did it over at... At some point in the podcast, there's a discount code for a really special thing

and that special thing is special and it's not just me graphically explaining to you how I am better at comedy than Joe Rogan is in every single way

but god I would love that to be special in every single way. Ah, but God, I would love that to be special. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh.

Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Ah, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical?

Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Is this the Patreon Republic? This is public Okay I'm going to start with something That I will acknowledge I think should be cut out Okay

And we probably will cut it out something that I will acknowledge I think should be cut out. Okay. And we probably will cut it out. I watched Scarface for the first time in my 32 years on this planet yesterday. Uh-huh. I really enjoyed it. I'm struggling to see why this is cut out worthy yet. I'm going to try and figure it out. They're very racist in it because it's...

Oh, the Pacino accent. No cute pacino's accent it's an incredibly racist accent but even the terms that they use to describe each other now there's a bit like um on short circuit where there happens a white guy being a brown guy and he's like i feel like a sweaty duck i don't know that right no he's like got a really thick indian accent he's meant to be indian but it's like a browned up white guy and he's like got a really thick Indian accent he's meant to be Indian but it's like a browned up white guy and he's like the one line I remember

was him saying I feel like a sweaty duck I don't know what accent I'm trying to do somebody browned up in a Spielberg children's film aye

no way aye no way really absolutely yeah and then did the can you not remember

Short Circuit did you watch it no I'd never seen it but wait somebody somebody appued in real life

and not cartoon yeah that's awful that's not on that they did in Scarface no no well yes I mean obviously

fucking Al Pacino is not Cuban he's got this terrible fucking Cuban accent and they're using so many slurs during the thing to refer to the Colombians

and the Brazilians are you going to cut it out because you like racial words to Spanish people no are you going to like double down on your racism and be like

oh I love calling them wetbacks is that what you're doing is that what you're doing don't get me wrong it's close to that. Guy, I can't lie to you and say it's not close to your fears. Fucking Latino markets. We want to get to South America.

It doesn't come... I promise you, I know I'm racist in Spanish. I promise you what I'm about to say doesn't come from a place of hate. I promise you it only comes from a place of immaturity, ignorance and silliness. That doesn't, forgive what my brain did, but you know when your brain does something that you don't, intrusive thoughts, man. You're not in charge of your thoughts.

But if that intrusive thought makes you smile. If the side of your cheek just lifted a little bit and you had a little sparkle in your eye, oh, the intrusive thought got through, Daniel. That's actioned. Ah, yes. Fucking 10 points to Gryffindor. That makes that problem.

So, in the movie Scarface, at some point, somebody uses the slur you greasy wop right nice I just actioned that I want to cut that link

and that was like man that was racism before my time racism like I I obviously as a fucking white man who lives in Scotland

has never truly heard even the term greasy wop but it doesn't make it makes us want to use it against like so like like Gareth or something the person is not about because you're so far removed yeah that's that's that's right I wouldn't come that way I mean Colin would so they use the term greasy crazy I was angry at myself

for laughing at that term so much and then my brain started it created this song do you remember do you remember the milkshake Yop in the UK

barely do you remember it was't like a glass bottle was it like one of them like Yakult ones it was

no no it was a big probiotics no no no it was for kids and the the advert was and their mouths

would get really big I remember this the whole advert was these teenagers and these kids before they drink it the whole concept of the advert was their parents would come in and be like what do you want and these kids before they drink it the whole concept of the advert was

the parents were coming and be like what do you want and the kids would sing with extended mouths give me yop me mama yop me mama Whoop Me mam And I was Dago I'm gonna have a do it But you can't I can't do it At the point in time You just take it to the

I even I evened it out Sometimes I'm so Glad That this podcast Has been successful Sometimes I'm so Glad That this podcast isn't successful No no this is why it's not No one's getting behind it

No but like So we're in Bulgaria at the moment We've done three days in Romania So we started off in Timisoara If you've listened to our Patreon you know we were in Timisoara Are you going to talk about, um, how you were like,

oh, we'll come back every year after this, like every single tour we do, obviously, unless we get cancelled. And you'll be like, you'll still be fine here. Like it was,

it's, it's, yeah. So I'm obviously, if anyone, if anyone, if anyone that's listened to this podcast or seen my show,

my most recent one you know the whole thing is about me about the concept of fucking cancel culture in the uk and america and if anything is i think has added weight to my argument that cancel culture doesn't really actually exist for comedians is the fact that i promise you i could say the n word on stage and like really and go beyond what alvey brown did and just attack black people using the n word i guarantee i could do fucking anti-semitic jokes to the nth degree i don't say like you want to don't say i have to agree leave something to the imagination that i don't know to the imagination To the Degree I could do that

And I believe there would absolutely be Rightful consequences In the UK and America I'm still selling out in Europe man Like even though there'd be protesters in France There'd be more people inside the building cheering

it on I do feel like this is the inverse of India where like cancel culture was very real there

in very like you could actually get disappeared yeah but I feel like here it's a bit more just like he said what

yeah well man like literally I don't know if anyone's I posted it on my Instagram last night

in the comedy club in Bulgaria and it's called the comedy club and we've spoken about this on the podcast before one of our favourite things

about touring around Europe and other parts of the world is sometimes you get to go to places where you meet the people who invented stand-up comedy there

like we'll never meet the people who invented stand-up comedy there like we'll never meet the people who invented stand-up in america because they're long dead or they're too famous that will just never cross paths in the uk if we talk about the fucking 1990s the punk years like i've met some of the people responsible for it but a lot of them are fucking dead dead uh you're never going to see the people that fucking created the scene when we go to estonia because of people like arie matty and when you go to lithuania because of people like paulius you get to meet people in these new parts of the world where bulgaria has only had independence since fucking 1989 it's really fucking brand new new fucking estonia similar infancy in their infancy and they're

developing their own culture so eventually in every stand-up does come up in some format. And to get to meet the people... At the inception of the scene. ...in these countries is fascinating to me. And there's also a deep, profound jealousy within me. You weren't one of the pioneers. Well, just because I believe that, you know, if there's ever a book written on the history of stand-up,

you and I will only at best be footnotes. We'll only ever be sort of things. Yeah, it would be like a fucking Bill Bryson digging deep mention in that like, first places in certain territories. But it would like nobody's reading that far. No, no. And it's only if you click the footnote on the Kindle and it's only if you're those people whereas i believe the people like

uh uh ari in estonia uh the people like alex in romania the people like ivan in bulgaria these people they're the ones that went we're going to do the first comedy like the comedy club in Bulgaria is called the comedy club right so we were there I've said this on the podcast before I love the comedy club

in Sofia because that's where I found out I was getting my Netflix specials he cried sobbed my fucking eyes out I'm going to be rich just getting five of us out of your pocket

five of us at the time but so last night we come back to Bulgaria and we've not been back since the X tour

and it was very early on in the X tour it's before the X tour just after my wedding yeah it was before the X tour was killing me

and making me depressed so that was the last time we were in Bulgaria. So we go to this comedy club called The Comedy Club in Bulgaria and Alex, sorry, not Alex, Ivan, our promoter, is like, where do you want to go?

We can go to this nightclub, we can go to this bar. And I'm like, please just take me back to The Comedy Club because I'm just so desperate for really self-indulgent nostalgia. Like, to me... Have you ever pronounced it G in nostalgia? Nostalgia?-indulgent nostalgia. Like, to me... Did you pronounce it G in nostalgia?

Nostalgia? Oh, you said nostalgia. Did I? Like Anastasia. Anastasia. Anastasia. I've watched too much Al Pacino and Scarface. I'm being racist.

Anastasia Carpintero, please. I got Appalachia. Do you mean Alopecia? No, the mountains. You got nostalgia in the comedy club. But they'd redecorated it a little bit so it wasn't as, it didn't,

it wasn't as an impact. Not just redecorated, they changed. You had to work out, yeah, the whole dynamics of it. Yeah, yeah. So the stage had moved to the side so I remember so vividly because it was such a... Well, come out from behind the stage. moved to the side. So I remember so vividly, because it was such a... We'll come out from behind the stage. Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, yes, we did. I think we did. Sorry, you're right, we did. I think it was that storeroom at the back. Yes. And I think when you done this video, the car rag,

and this is the place where I cried like a baby. I think you're just in what would have been the bar. Yeah, no, I think you're right. I think you're just in what would have been the bar. Yeah, no, I think you're right. I think it was more because there wasn't a toilet backstage, but there was a shower, and it was in the shower in which I was giving the news out to Netflix specials

after that morning, screaming down the phone to my manager, saying the words. You thought he was in the shower. It was all tears. He was like, look at this puddle. I must be in the shower. It's all over us. I can't believe this whole venue is a shower.

What is this? The Holocaust? Yeah, you put the sprinklers on. So that morning I told Marlena that I didn't want to wait for a Netflix giving special because I was bored of waiting fucking three years. And then in this venue, I come off stage and find out. I was bored of waiting three years.

Where's my Netflix special? it's what was happening and i fucking stand by it like i could i'll not do it now but i can give you the list of who else was given netflix specials before me and we'll be able to point out people were like where they had less of a following already so they'll bring in is that how you saw it like uh because you were saying um that you already had an audience that you'd built across europe from doing conan so like yes so like that's part of the um bargaining the reason i managed to get the netflix specials wasn't because i was better than any other comedian or i had better shows than any other comedian deep down it is netflix are building their their reach and if you can prove to them that you

are doing gigs in romania bulgaria estonia sweden these new markets if you if if if they if you can guarantee people on those things will come like that's a fucking big sell if you're if you're pulling people in from like the parts of europe to get Netflix accounts because. Why does that only say two minutes? Oh, cause I've just put that on. That's the backup record. Oh God. But I realized I hadn't pressed it.

And I was like, ah, you know what? Even though I've missed the beginning, it's still going to have backup. Sorry for interrupting. I just, I don't want us to lose any of this.

Yeah. So that's the reason I got the fucking Netflix specials. Wasn't through any talent. My own is as always in this job. It's not a meritocracy. like specials wasn't through any talent my own is as always in this job it's not a meritocracy it's russian roulette luck and blind devotion to an art form that might not give you anything back we get to the comedy club because i say specifically to van last night i really want to go back there on the wall in bulgaria on the way down into this beautiful underground comedy

club they have the history of stand-up in Bulgaria written on the wall. And it's all written in Bulgaria. And it starts from 2012. Like, again, that's how in its fucking infancy stand-up is here. So that's when the comedy club's established. That's when they invent it

and they have to teach audiences how to understand stand- up and what it is train your crowd because that's good we're opening a new place where people haven't seen stand-up yeah it's getting them some good comics on get them like to love it and understand how it works self-police the audience and it must and it must feel so rock and roll like because i mean that is what punk was originally punk was literally fuck everything that's going on we're going to go to this other place that we've made just for ourself and we're going to do this thing that we no one else will let us fucking do that we'll find just for these that is every single place

in the world where comedy it started that's where it started from to actually get to witness that even if it's in you know a country where stand-up isn't popular i think it's a all right and what was nice about it on that little route where it stopped it's the stop on the route was uh you visiting like 2016 before the netflix specials uh english-speaking comedy or whatever and uh the road went on for quite some time because that was actually quite early in the development of bul Bulgarian comedy yeah and lots happened

it was four years in and they they and they were so desperate again a way to validate your comedy scene to the people

that come and see your comedy is if you can bring international comedians to your new thing don't you look I did think it was very Bulgarian

to put your ex-poster next to Louis CK's poster that was so bulgarian not not to just not even bat an eyelid not even see why that's no man man man not even put the poster in side by side in the wall history it goes on October the 9th 2018 Daniel Sloss did his show X about rape and sexual assault in Bulgaria and in November 2018 for those who weren't listening

for those who didn't hear a word of what Daniel said for anyone that was like la la la la la la la la la la la just for the whole show then and you're aware of what Daniel said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For anyone that was like, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Just for the whole show, then. And, again, I'll admit, we were both devastated by how good Louis' last special was.

Aye. I was devastated because I got a chance to open for him. I don't know if I spoke with this on the pod. Do you want to speak about... I can't remember if I have. I might have. We don't hold much back. But I got asked to open for him, and I was just about I can't remember if we have we might have we don't hold much back

but I got asked to open for him and I was just like because he would be nice in the past as well and I was like

fucking oh man this is gutting this it's gutting because just rewind a couple of years

back and you're just like fucking dream come true and to anyone out there who people will have

their fucking stances on the Louis C gay thing mine's is personally I do think what he did was gross I do think it was

an abuse of power I do think if he wanted that kick he could have got it from somewhere else weirdly changed it for me when I found out it was 2002

weirdly like I'm like oh that has he been doing it since or was that like isolated is it regardless of when

for me regardless of when he's been doing it since I think it is gross I think it's abuse of power and I don't think it was

the worst version of those things it doesn't excuse it but I feel like enough time's elapsed then he might be a completely different person growth happens uh huh and you may just see the error in his ways okay my I can't excuse it, but I feel like enough time's elapsed and he might be a completely different person. Growth happens.

Uh-huh. You may just see the error in his ways. Okay, my rebuttal to that would be there, yes, absolutely people do grow and change. But what I would argue is... And for people that haven't looked it up, we're not talking about a rapist here. No, no, no, we're not talking about a rapist.

We're talking about a man who... Creepy dude. Creepy and gross. Played with his cell in front of people I agree with you so I don't know what did you say before so I was saying like

about the time that's elapsed and the room for growth and you're just like was that a phase of his life that's not that he's getting punished for that phase if it's growth if it's growth

which I acknowledge is a fucking thing and I think it's important as a society that when somebody does apologize and acknowledge what we did that we do allow them to move on from that and not flock them with it for the rest of their life because what else is the fucking point i think his special after what had happened to him did not show growth nah right. Right? Showed arrogance. And dismissiveness. Ambivalence. And ambivalence. And you know what? He's entitled to fucking feel that way. I didn't go through what you fucking went through.

We don't know. We don't know the truth of what happened. We know the stories and that's why me personally I'm choosing to take the side of the many over the few. Hey, hi. choosing to take the side of the many over the few. Yeah, aye. Listen to the women, like.

Aye, aye. Well, not too much because they fucking... Nothing to say is important there. Louis C.K. what? I just said Louis C.K. what you said. You had the... In that moment I was also asked

To open for Louis While I was on The X tour And it's the same thing you go Even though three years ago This would have been a beyond dream of mine You could not Open for

You couldn't open for me doing the show X. It's not even just, can I just zoom out a little bit? It's not even the show X, it's what we went through with a friend, friend, like that was the story of X. Like,

after the experience I've had with somebody, I don't want to get close to anybody like that. That's, that's had fucking red flags for days. Yeah, anyone, anyone. Like, associate about if you fucking trying to wash the stank of the guy off you you know I have to add to like he hid behind me like

a decency beard yeah like my decency made him look like a good guy because he's hanging run fucking somebody that's like you can vouch for okay So there's a part of me that's just like, I don't want to be running Red Flag, motherfuckers. Oh, no, it's good. No, no, no, no, man. I don't think I'd consider it that way, but that is, you know... For a bit of money. But, Danny,

I would have had me praised. Fuck, I would have had me praised. Fuck, I would have had me priced. 10 grand. Oh, that would help me family, that. Okay, let's get into this because, and this is going to sound... Pay 10 grand off your mortgage and now you're paying 30 grand less. What are the cause of it? This is a very arrogant point of view from me and I apologise for it.

I am at a point in my life where I don't have a price. Oh yeah, aye. Like I've House is paid off.

House isn't paid off but I'm comfortably paying the mortgage. Because the thing is like it's weird how you put a price because

I just never want to downsize. Yeah. So I never want to have to go, oh, I haven't really got enough money for the mortgage. We could sell this and get a smaller house and we'll easily reach it and we'll get a bit more money in the back burner.

I didn't want to do that. So my thing's just like, stay. Yeah. Stay there. So the way I've got a price is if I go, ooh, so I can maintain this for me and my family. Yeah, so... I can maintain this for, like,

guaranteed the next fucking few years, it's sorted. Things could go terribly wrong for me and I'll still be in this house for the rest of my life. Aye. Like, I... And that's why I... That makes you sad when it comes to, like, somebody who's, like, fucking actually

does something reprehensible yeah like let's just go for Philip Schofield he's right there he's not kind of like his quality of life

is not going to change on the that is the bit like he's still living in a mansion yeah it's it's a man

who's beyond the age of retirement complaining that he doesn't get to do his job anymore. Approaching age. I don't know how old he is, but I'd say like, I think he's younger than me dad.

He's just approaching retirement now. Yes, but only because of this government. Oh, but this guy couldn't retire yet. I'm sorry, if we're talking about the actual retirement age as opposed to what the retirement age should be. Yeah, of course. But Philip Schofield could have retired. Yeah,

because he likes the attention. And the reason he's sad that he's losing his job isn't because he doesn't get to hang out with Holly Willoughby. Because if Holly Willoughby wants to hang out with him every day, she can. That's an option she has available to her. I'm going to miss my workmates. Well, you know what?

The workmates that you, that you really fucking had something with, they're still around. You can see them. It's a man complaining that he's, though, I will say this and I will acknowledge this. that you really fucking had something with. They're still a run. You can see there's much more. It's a man complaining that he's... Though I will say this, and I will acknowledge this. In the BBC fucking interview,

Philip Schofield said that a lot of the abuse that he was getting felt homophobic. And that means the homophobes give him his excuse to get out of it. Like, the homophobes helped him in a way. Like, I'm not going to say helped him. It can't be nice going through the fucking abuse studies, going through.

But fuck me, that comes with a little pass. That comes with a little, like, people are going to feel sorry for us now. No, no, no. I think only if you view that. If the homophobes knew the best way to fucking have him to be punished would be to say fucking out homophobic to them. Like, they've actually, like, their whole agenda of out homophobic to them like they've actually

like their whole agenda of being homophobic has actually fucking helped his cause I understand what you're saying but on the other side of that is what you're doing

is you're giving people who have never cared about Philip Schofield or shown any interest in any of this stuff allowed suddenly to have these public opinions to be like

well you know hey that's what they're all like. And often you'll get a bit of inflated homophobia in society off the back of anything like that. Because after people have been talking about him and in that vein, then they're going to have this in their head the next time they see two guys kissing. So I think also hand him the fucking responsibility

for doing that now. Yeah, I just... Man, like, here's a really, really... Better's not a word, but when you're numb to everything and you've got faith in nothing, you know, what's the word? Jaded. Yeah, yeah. Here's a really jaded opinion on the Philip Schofield thing.

The reason he vaped is because he wanted to appeal to Gen Z. Aye, 100%. 100%. It was so fucking transparent. I've been vaping a lot.

Oh, have you also been playing Minecraft, you fucking virgin? And also, also, just doing the fucking anxiety pretzel.

He put himself in the anxiety pretzel and fucking had a vape and you're like, you've just got all these fucking anxious vape I was just feeling for you now because I see yourself

in you man when I used to vape 24 fucking hours a day I didn't press when I didn't vape for an hour it's

like I know this sounds jaded I know this sounds convoluted but when people are involved in this industry for so much you have to understand

it's very hard to believe that every single thing isn't calculated, that it isn't all designed by a press team. And this isn't to say what Philip Schofield said isn't true, but it's to say because of the way the entertainment industry, which is perpetuated, sorry, it's going on. I now have this thing, I'm like, man, you could be being honest, or you could have the greatest PR team behind you. Yeah, everyone's media trained.

They cry, and they're like, and keep hitting, keep hitting, unwise, but not illegal. Every now and again. Unwise, not illegal, unwise, not illegal, and then vape. Because if you do unwise and not illegal, you'll be in a 30-second TikTok clip. And if we learned anything from the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp fucking trial, it's that 30-second clips defeat the entire seven-week process for the masses.

Yeah. Speaking of, we've got to pay our respects and acknowledge what a wonderful day that Dave Longley has had. Oh, it's been so funny. You know, I was talking about, I read that book, Stolen Focus, and I've got loads of fucking methods

of staying off my phone and reading more books and watching films and that. I optionally chose to spend my day on my phone because I didn't want to miss a word Dave Longley said on Instagram. We put up... So, just to kind of get onto that, I have now, because I'm a weak, pathetic, addicted man,

I've taken Instagram off my phone. It's now on yours, and it's now on Cara's. Cara's doing my social media stuff now because if I have social media on my phone... So, when I post a clip clip today I just post it for mine invite you to collaborate, pop onto your horse, hit OK. Yeah and for the first time because I used to be on my phone all the

time and because I used to be fucking obsessed with everything like it's just off. I haven't seen anything. I've missed every time Dave Longley trolls our fans and I almost forgot that he did it. You asked me yesterday, you were like,

hey, we're going to put up a clip where we make fun of the Scouse accent. Do you think that's fine to put up? And I'm like, man, all of our good Scouse fans are not going to give a fucking shit about this opinion that we've had. It wasn't about the accent.

I was like, it was because when I first mentioned about the Scouse accent, I went, you're talking about 10 out of 10 gorgeous laughs and then she has a Scouse accent, I went, it's like you're talking about 10 out of 10 gorgeous last names that has a Scouse accent. And my thing was just like, and I'm saying that in the moment as a bit,

but putting it out to the wider world, it's subjectifying. Yes. Yeah. Okay. It's like, oh, we're still rating women with a 10.

Dan says, yes, yes we are. But like, Scouse women. We're still rating Scouse women out of 10. We're rating London women and Edinburgh women on their degrees and on their knowledge.

We're still rating Scouse women on their looks because until they get anything else... I'm very sorry, that's not my opinion I'm going to dig the hole six feet deeper and six feet wider anyway so

you know what I loved because Sensei called from have a word he he reposted it and the comments were so funny

because they're like why are these two moths thinking they're talking to tens also fair point everyone's just sponsored

I'm wanting my way and they think they're talking to tens it's like thanks man but guys but guys

I'm rich I'm like I'm still I'm still going up the chart yeah man man when you're working from twos

and threes fairly rarely are you not going up the chart yeah man man when you're working from twos and threes very rarely are you not going up I say it was a ten I'm going to finish that I want to turn it into rosé no don't do that so

we released this video today and then just randomly while we're going through the fucking airport you're laughing and when we're backstage

you're fucking laughing and you're just like Dave when we're backstage, you're fucking laughing. And you're just like, Dave Longley is on one. And my favourite bit was, before I'd even read, because my Instagram is now on Cara's phone. Yeah. She's getting everything.

Like all the fucking comments. Someone commented on your post. Yeah, because I get that now when I've got like my Instagram open, your notifications still come on. Right. You've got to turn them off. Cara was just like,

I went in today and she quotes so many things back to me. And look, hey, to the podcast listeners, we know, you know, right? The whole Dave Longley bit is,

he pretends to be a Christian, a very, very Christian. He hates swearing. Male obstetrician. Obstetricetrician who hates swearing, but is a fan of our comedy and just wants us to do better. And even though he does this under every single post we've ever done, he is the master baiter. He's a trawler. He's the master baiter. He's the master baiter. He baits better than anyone else. Dave Longley is the biggest master baiter I know. He's the king. He's got some sick burns. like some of the stuff he was saying like while he was attacking us for swearing during this thing was also able to you know what instead of butchering it let me just quote all of my

favorites somebody like because he talked about us being misogynistic and somebody replied saying you call them misogynistic but the only clip on your timeline is you asking a woman in the front row to sit on your face and then he sent us the video of what it was on his thing and it was a video

of him doing crowd work but he dubbed it over with Roy Chubby Brown a Roy Chubby Brown from like play the Roy Chubby Brown bit so

I'll read the quote so Liz McGAAA if you're listening to this for whatever reason, I'm very sorry to announce to you that you got got. There you go, got. Your comment was,

not sure why you were going nuts against the comments against two people having a convo about accents. When you yourself swear and make gross comments yourself, such as the first video you have on your profile about getting some lass to sit on your face and swear to. Here is the clip. If you're watching this on... I'll ask Matthew to put the video on.

I'll send him it. Is she all right, darling? Are you all right, darling? Are you enjoying yourself? You haven't got any old clothes you don't fucking want, have you? You haven't got any old clothes you don't fucking want, have you? You've got a chance of you sitting on my face after the show, isn't it? I'll guess you wait with me tongue.

You'll have to have a fucking strong mouth, I'll tell you that. She doesn't have a fucking strong mouth, I'll tell you that. It's insane. Strong mouth. Close your legs or borrow a comb and tie to your men's job. It's one way or the other. Well, if I don't get fucking beaten up tonight, I never will. Right, so Dave Logley has put that, and if you watch the video, like, man, it's a bit good. If you are under the age of 25,

you will not be conned by the fact that this is very clearly a different video of Dave Longley doing stand-up with a separate audio of him doing things. But it's not an HD video, so you can't see his mouth move, and he cuts to the audience when they laugh, so it's a nice edit. Fucking, I'll call him, Rooney didn't get it. I sent it to Rooney and Rooney was like,

Jesus Christ, and I'm like. That's not him. That's not him. That's right, you'll be prone. That's one of the most racist, misogynistic comedians

that fucking still work today. And well done you for calling him a fucking comedian, right? Hang on. I think he is a bit. He was back in his day.

Yeah, but. His time and his deliveries, fucking cadence and all that, right? Oh, you know, okay. You would argue that his skills aren't as proficient, but the tools and materials he used are worse. Give him progressive material, he'd still be a comic. Okay. Do you know what I think, see?

You know what? He's got stagecraft man yeah he does but it feels awful to admit that you know what I'm saying of course I but yeah

yeah he does have stagecraft and he obviously does have an ability to deal with but then but then I would also argue this is a horrible thing

to say about someone that's so reprehensible. He's got a likeability about him to people that couldn't give a fuck about what he's saying. Aye. They like him. Yeah, but to scum. Aye, aye, but they like him. But that means if he was saying the right thing, the likeability would come into play.

So, that was obviously the clip that somebody was referencing them when they were calling dave longley sexist which don't you're wrong dave longley will tell you to your face that he's sexist you don't know where the joke starts and dave longley begins no and that's and that's the joy of Dave fucking Logley. Let me get this. Right, here we go. So to Saul with three O's. Hey, buddy. I don't think you listen to the podcast, but if you do, I'm really sorry. You got fucking unbelievably got.

Your comment was, ha, I've touched a nerve there, man hard stand up comedian with his one clip of his stand up which is the one we just showed you and 50 clips of his vanity muscles you didn't even use your own audio in the clip you melt so this guy was so close to

the joke but still yeah so you knew he got he was like that's not even your own joke and you're like man you're almost there. You're almost that with the fucking gaggits. Need to get yourself back in the gym and out of the comment section of successful comedians you wet wipe. Dave Longley.

How are they more successful than me? I'm a part-time stand-up comedian making money as an obstetrician for pooper i've got six houses and i can walk down the street unrecognized who are you you're just a guy a landlord will find an estate of undress after they've had to force their way inside uh saw their replies i didn't say more successful he goes I'll not read the whole fucking thing the important quotes are it doesn't seem like you're a very successful

obstetrician either saying as you have all this free time to fish for arguments online instead of delivering any of the 2385 babies born each day in the UK I would say quit your day job but it seems anyone would be better at it than Big Davy Dickhead over here.

Davy Dickhead. To which Dave finally replies, I've delivered three today. Been on the ward since 5am. I'm allowed to go on my phone between women making a fuss and carrying. Oh no. It's so good.

He replies, we'll look at you go following the example for you to set all by those strong women doing one thing slightly more painful than having a conversation with you to which dave lee dave longley goes strong women each has an epidural pathetic like every woman lowering her lowering herself to talking to you i there's 50 odd comments on that i got to say to to the podcast listeners thank you so much for just letting it happen it's we have to just let this go on. Please, for the love of God, let's just, we really profound enjoyment. Don't like it. Don't comment. These people, they're not podcast fans. They deserve to be slightly bullied.

Will the likes make people think that they're outnumbered a little bit? Like, you know, if they get, oh, there's a bunch of fucking idiots, like this guy's governing some people. Or will they go, it's a joke? Will they get it's a joke like will they get it as a joke don't like it

for any reason either way I think is successful I think what Dave Longley is certainly doing is he's making the podcast bigger because

he's creating engagement yeah which puts her they always get more hits the ones where he's fighting people also dig this

follow him go and click on him and follow him yeah because no no no he only posts pictures of self-weightlifting go and see dave live and if you want to support him hand him 50 quid he doesn't admit anything to the tax man just

shoplift right but please does he actually shoplift you guys on Facebook about shoplifting he's always saying about what he shoplifted and like like I say you don't know

when the joke starts and then he is he shoplift I think he is shoplifting of course he fucking is man I think he's shoplifting the entire time

but on social media that's such a funny thing to do and to people that don't get this and don't like it fucking fair enough but like please

your mum your mum didn't like him at first my mum fucking despised him because she would be during COVID she got got my mum got got

she would be commenting on how Dave how Dave Longley no and we've sorry we've literally covered this in the podcast

have we we've done it yes and very recently talking about how Dave Longley was very openly against a lot of the lockdown measures and because of now of the research being done,

knowing that the lockdown measures and the masks actually didn't do as much as we thought. At the time, he didn't feel like that. That was the stance that he was making because everyone was super sensitive. But he always stood by, this disease is real and these measures are stupid. And Dave Logley is thrilled that every single bit of research that's come out since then has proved him correctly.

Yeah. So the bit I wanted to go to. So we stick that video up online Making fun Of the Scouse Now I Like and dislike making fun of the Scouse Because I very openly

Despise the Liverpool football team From top to bottom I hate Everton more Really I think top to bottom I hate I hate Everton more really I I think they see us as a rival club

and they haven't really liked us having any success like they've been they've been about our success so the entitlement

of Liverpool fans doesn't scratch the fucking skin off your body you know what as well like as if they've got a God given right as people who couldn't

read the Bible I've chatted loads of people from like Liverpool and Everton fans in real life and I've had like intelligent they know a lot about football

right you can have intelligent conversations there's social media output about football right you can have intelligent conversations there's social media output I've to be fair you can't judge people by social media sorry

I've never had a bad I've never had a bad time with a Liverpool fan or if it wasn't for social media I'd have no beef with Liverpool in Everton I feel like

you know how the loudest of people are the ones that are heard the most like I feel like you know how you can like of people are the ones that are heard the most I feel like you know how you can like a comedian in real life and you can have fun in their company

and you can enjoy their set but you see their social media output and you start building this fucking picture of them and your head is being fucking yeah yes like if you didn't have social media

you wouldn't have been influenced on your opinion of that person yeah I feel like as football fans it's that yeah because every single experience

I've ever had being in Liverpool physically myself and not even just as a comedian as a jury it's been really fucking level

balanced conversation yeah you're right okay okay I spoke to a lot of Everton fans on the day of the last game of the season

when the mate had got relegated. And they were just fucking nice, honest, decent people. And I was chatting to them and I started, like, in that moment, rooting for them to stay up because I was around, humanised, you know. And then you see stuff on social media and you can't. But that's what I'll say of each other. Yeah, and also there's definitely part of me that was just angry

that Liverpool were doing better than Chelsea. So I have to acknowledge the fact that I was just What was that excellent fake documentary American Vandal American Vandal, that one was like this is the first generation that has their personality and then they have the personality that they curate

on social media and a lot of the time I feel like Arsenal suffer the same thing because they're online fans and they're actual fans. And anyone that owns an Arsenal shirt or anyone that says, I support Arsenal, is a cunt. Like, it's just one of those. Anyway, the point is, so we do this thing

where we're making fun of Liverpool people. Obviously, it's not taken out of context because we chose the context that it went out in. But because we're trying to fucking create engagement, we create engagement. And Adam Rowe, who I love so dearly as a comedian, as a friend, as a fucking... And also as someone in the podcasting world i look up to as a gangster yeah yeah adam rowe replied to us both being like do you want to fight and you and me both went yeah man i replied okay all right but when we have makeup sexy but i zip it

I replied, alright, but when we have makeup sexy, but I zip it. I can't believe he survived to makeup sex. No, he didn't. That's why he's quiet. Fucking the gall of a man who was not able to beat up

a fat 23-year-old Elliot Steele. It's actually quite hard now. Who? Elliot. Oh, Elliot now, yeah, yeah, yeah. He could fight now. I just couldn't get beat up by him with a principal. Oh, yeah.

I would want it more if I fought Elliot Steele, and that's what would get him. We once talked about the Marlena thing I also I don't think we should do this on this podcast but now that we've done so many things that we just shouldn't have said on this podcast because it's a public episode I feel like fuck it any awful opinions I'm worried about let's

stick them out there did you see I was going to say now we've click baited them awful opinions I'm worried about. Let's take them out there. Did you see? I was going to say, now we've clickbaited them. They're going to be listening on. It's time for an infomercial. Altitude, we've got I've just thought of it. We're meant to do it on the intro as well. We're giving

them a promo code for Altitude. Oh. They're getting a discount. Are they? Muggins and Cream listeners are getting a discount for Altitude. Who have you confirmed this with? I just made it up now. I'm just telling them now. I don't think you can.

Hey, Mary. Oh, really? Yeah, I marry messages with a discount code for our listeners as a perk. Oh, okay. Do you not know about this? No. Oh, mate, I put it in the intro as well just for people that are doing half-hour drives. But fucking aye

these lot are getting a discount so I'll get my phone okay so if I mean assuming you've heard us talk about

just a comedy festival it's it takes place every year and I think March April first week of April first week of April so I'm full of shit already

Dara O'Briain's on yeah yeah Dara O'Briain yeah yeah Darryl O'Brien I don't think that's how the list goes Paul Smith oh Paul Smith's going

oh fuck yeah yeah the line up's sick so Algae Comedy Festival takes place in Meyerhofen every year it is you get to spend five days

skiing on one of the most beautiful resorts in Europe and then every day once you finish skiing, there are three shows afterwards. There's an apres ski, there is a gala show,

and then there's a late night show. You can go to any of them. You can go to none of them. You can do whatever you want to do. The lineups are brilliant every year. I haven't been able to do it for six or seven years. This next year will be my first return to altitude, and I cannot fucking wait.

I'll be back. First time in about seven years for you. Yeah, seven years. We both had last year off because... Dara Breen, Mark Nelson, Kath Wall. Yeah, do you want the line-up? Oh, here we go. Kai Humphries, Daniel Sloss. Pause.

Oh, you put yourself at the top. Yeah, I put myself at the top. That's the poster. Sure. Andrew Maxwell, Marcus Brigstocke, Maisie Adam Emmanuel Sanobi, Barry Murphy Mark Nelson, Nina Gilligan, Kate Williams Tamar Kattan

Jack Lidow The International Improv All Stars And there will be more Announced So what's the promo code? I'm going to tell you now Mugginsandcream24 all one word, block capitals. I'm going to post it shortly after I post this.

I'll post the info so that you'll probably already know about it by the time. Actually, I'll let it settle a bit. Let them enjoy it. Let them enjoy finding out like this. I'll put the fucking poster up. No, no, no. Next podcast, we'll do it at the intro. This can be a gift for those that stayed through early access on the promo code just in case you just to see

because i can't wait to see what effect we have when seven of you buy it thank you sid sid's already got a ticket he's just been like what I could have had fucking 10% off so I don't want to talk about next why did we go on to I just you click baited them

you were about to say something that they wanted yeah and I was like hit them with a promo which is a fucking built a promo you won okay

right hit us with it we were oh no no I remember what it is before I get into the Merlina thing Okay Hit us with it We were Oh no no I remember what it is Before I get into the Merlina thing Did you

Watch the video Probably Of the Person getting eaten by a shark Yes of course I did Okay Part of it was like, part of it was like,

oh, this is horrible. Like it's, it's, it's, it's not like, you know, when you get sent a behind video or something, it hasn't happened in many,

many years, but that was, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no. The thing I will fucking say is there are videos of Russian troops cutting the cocks off of Australian. Well, I think I must have changed my friendship circle because i'm not going to change your algorithm like that that sort of stuff is still happening it was too far in the distance and it was just like kind of like seeing the fin and seeing his head going to water and seeing the thing go red it wasn't like graph like a hostile movie

he was resilient man his head kept coming back up and he'd shout. I'm sure you could hear him shouting unless it was someone on the beach shouting out. Do you know the woman, like 55 seconds into this video where a man is just eaten by a shark,

there's this Russian woman being like, oh no, what is this? And I'm like, doll, could you get in the ocean, please? What could it be? Go and get him.

So, here is my, not my opinion, but as we said earlier on, you know when... But if only it was a Spanish person. You're not going to say that. So close. So close. Russian? It was Russian, wasn't it? It was a Russian guy.

Oh, no, don't do this. We've met so many cool Russian people. No, I know. That's what I'm saying when I say, when I felt so guilty about... Oh, they've been dehumanised for you? Yeah, they have. A little bit.

And also not the tourists. Also not the ones... The ones that were hung out with after the gig. The ones that come to your gig were a translator aye or promoter aye

could have been one of them could have been or it could have been one of the 80% that support the war aye but where were they

are they on hold they're at home that's that's where you're correct that's where you're correct absolutely that's where I'm I didn't think they were going

for a swim and fucking where were they but maybe they're just as easy on it remember fucking like maybe diplomats trying to get a job because what they were explaining to us here in Bulgaria is a lot of Bulgaria supports the Russian war in Ukraine the reason they support the Russian war in the Ukraine is because not only do they get a lot of the propaganda from the kremlin because a lot of their people who live in bulgaria have relatives that still live in russia and because russia are dealing with the same amount of propaganda that every american dealt with for the past five years

and you still don't you know you're going through because you're all thick as pig shit like they disagree with that no watch trump when again um and easily uh the these bulgarians they last remember historically the russians bulgaria was under the ottoman empire for 500 fucking years and they were super poverty. So their heroes historically are the Russians. In the same way that if you're in Europe, the heroes are the... Well, if you're in America, the heroes of World War II is America because they did the atom bombs and they did D-Day. If you're in Britain,

you're taught that the heroes of World War II are the Brits because we did fucking D-Day. And in France... So we think we're the heroes because we landed on the beach in America. I think they're the heroes because they turned up and won off the bench to score the winner. Aye, aye. Yes.

So everyone's got, but we're steeped down, like one of the biggest parts of the reason we won World War II was because Hitler decided to go on the offensive across all of Russia during winter and the Russians ability to just

die to a man despite being not skilled at anything not being proficient at anything not being prepared for anything all they could do was stand there and die but there was just so many of them the Russians in my

personal opinion, are a huge reason why the Allies won World War II. And that's why I've always had a soft spot for the Russians. Right. And because we got to gig there, and because we got to meet the good fucking Russians. Like, I do fucking get that. But then also with what's going on.

So Bulgarians because their history they weren't really heavily involved in World War II because they weren't a fucking country then so they didn't exist their last memory of war is what they got out of 500 years rule of the Ottoman Empire

because the Russians defeated the Turks so in their head it's the old people's memory. Yeah, but that's like historic. So when I was talking to Ivan about this, I was like, you can't, this is from Russia's point of view, you can't save someone from an abusive relationship and then hit them.

But what if you hit them less? It doesn't level out. It doesn't go, all right, one, one, crack on. But what if you get like that doesn't it doesn't level out it doesn't get all right one one crack on like what have you hit them less i still you still move on again you've changed russia you even hang on to it again uh thanks for earlier but take your point i was just being i was literally just being a cunt there yeah but it was like, that is what's happening though. Like the analogy, like the people who are like hanging on to Russia as a saviour, even though...

But it's... So we had this discussion last night. The thing I'm trying to... We hate the pensioners of our country and every country because they're so much more susceptible to the Murdoch media. Any right-wing media.

To whatever right-wing media. Because older people are stupider, because they don't have the knowledge, they don't learn as fast as technology does. They don't travel as much as the young ones. And they don't travel. And travel's huge for... Anyone over 50 is thick as pig shit, bar none.

It's not our point. So you've got this generation of people that just do not put any fucking effort into growing. That's why I love meeting like well-read, well-travelled old people because they're more like us. Aye. It's really arrogant of you to think. No, I think they are.

I'm as smart as a well-travelled Jew. Like Andy and Julie Askins. Yeah, I think they are, you know. I'm as smart as a well-travelled Jew. Yeah, but you know, like Andy and Julie Askins. Oh yeah, okay. You know what I mean? They've fucking been,

they've seen the world, they've fucking, like, they're not right-wing, angry, close the borders. Like, when you meet older people

who have fucking done shit, instead of just being in the same spot, picking up the same newspaper, going to the same spot picking up the same newspaper going to the same staff room with the same mind insular

insular opinion and you reach the age of 65 and it's just been solidified like a diamond. And not even just that, not even just the fact that they're insular there, you have a propaganda machine in the form of Murdoch's media which is designed by

scientists. And they get it right in every country. Fox News, Sky News in Australia, Sky News in the UK. They get the subtlety of it right. They know your flavour. They know exactly how to make you hate your fucking neighbour because if you don't hate your neighbour

you become very aware of what they're doing so I'm trying to have more compassion for the older generation like my grandparents generation who read the Daily Mail and think it's gospel because they're stupid stop listening to P.S. Morgan

stop reading the government printed lies and talk to people. Get into Bulgaria and chat to Bulgarians. The other iteration of that, which I think you are ignorant of and I am also ignorant of, is the reason Andrew Tate is popular is we do not understand how powerful TikTok is because we're not on TikTok. Yeah. The number one influencer in the fucking world in 2022, the most influential between children

the age of 13 to 17 was Andrew Tate. It ought to be Kim Kardashian with him second. Or like Jenna or whatever. It would have been fucking Bieber. It would have been fucking... But he's now. He's above... And the reason is,

is because Andrew Tate, in a 10-minute conversation, 20-minute conversation... Bullshit's for confidence. 30 minutes. No, no, no. Anything above 10 minutes, he would be destroyed.

Tom Segura, I love your comedy. I think you are a fucking piece of shit for ever having Andrew Tate on your podcast. I think it was irresponsible. I think it was ignorant. And I think it was a pathetic way to get more money for you.

And I love your comedy, but that was disgusting. It was just, you knew what he was. You can pretend. He had his praise. You pretended that you, you know, it's about, it wasn't that. You knew what he fucking was. Andrew Tate is found out after 10 minutes of how dummy, man, he's autistic.

He's a very autistic person. Listen to him talk for more than 10 minutes. He's autistic because he was violently abused by his dad and she was justified by his mother who was violently abused by his fucking dad. Listen to anything he fucking does. He is a really damaged autistic person.

Does that mean we should have a little bit of empathy for him in that like this guy needs diagnosed, he needs help, he needs treatment. No, because damaged people have to fucking have at least He needs diagnosed, he needs help, he needs treatment. No, because... Not treatment, but like, I'm catered for. Damaged people have to fucking have at least 1% of wanting to help themselves. If anyone has read the book Shuggy Bane,

you will know that the last chapter, when the main problem disappears, it was a great day. There is a responsibility in the person to become better but what tiktok does is andrew tate sounds logical in under 30 seconds in the same way that jordan peterson sounds really smart if you only listen to jordan peterson for five minutes right if you listen to jordan peterson if you watch any of the shit jordan peterson's doing his own tv show now which i have done it is hysterically funny it is a scared white man yelling at black shadows on a

wall right that's just yeah he's back himself so into a corner so andrew tate is really smart if you can edit down a clip with no context and 30 seconds of him owning a fucking journalist, owning a fucking lib. But that's what TikTok is. So we can... Yeah, but if you let that conversation play out... Man, we can complain about this older generation above us that are voting because the Murdoch media

is making them vote for the Tories and making them vote for the fucking Republicans. But we now have to fucking be aware that beneath us, and also in our generation, there's a generation that in the thing that they look at for 14 hours a day, an algorithm not designed by any government, not designed by an AI that just goes... Yeah, that is trying to keep you on your phone longer.

Just trying to keep you... It will, and it's not doing it evilly. It's worse. It's unconscious and it's not doing it evilly. It's worse. It's unconscious. It's what keeps our attention. This AI is deciding, you're paying attention to this because it's awful.

So I'm going to show you more things because it's awful. And I'm designed to keep your attention. It's getting increasingly more angry. And these teenagers who are developed, we spoke about in the last podcast, about the reason why fucking Leonardo DiCaprio is an awful man for fucking teenagers

there's this the most important time in the development of your fucking brain is in your teenage years and we give kids this phone which beams

because it's taught to give them fucking Andrew Tate and what you've got to hope is that that generation grow up identify the problem

Hate us for handing them a phone Not us but our generation They're going to hate me I truly believe If I get to 85 And people below 40 hate me And they're like you're scum You're the reason the world is the way it is

I'll just have to be like Yeah man I went on no marches in the same way that the generation above like fucking put pollution in the air, dug up a load of natural resources fucking and bought houses

at a cheap price and sold them at a fucking high price back there you can look up to them and go you fucking bastards you didn't borrow the world to them you fucking bastards you didn't borrow the world from me you fucking harvested it

and gave us the barren land you cunt right you robbed me of the experience so sorry the generation

below us are going to be looking at us and going you put that screen in my face that was advertising to visit

at the age of 12 you gave an artificial intelligence that you had no idea what to visit at the age of 12 you gave an artificial intelligence that you had no idea what it could do all the data of how I respond, what gives us our tone what makes us happy and you just let it pitch at us

so does that mean the next generation is going to get that fuck off the phone no man, this generation of kids the only things I've been reading recently is this generation of kids, the only things I've been reading recently is this generation of kids is the most depressed generation of... Well, I mean, they say most depressed. I'm like, I don't think they were recording the thoughts of Jewish children. You know, the Great Depression.

The Great Depression. I wonder why they called it that. There's like, there's like the worst really mental health therapists in Auschwitz being like, I tell you what, a lot of these kids are sad. But fast forward to the future as a kid, that hasn't had a vape. I tell you what, in Auschwitz, none of the kids are sad because there's none. Yeah. Because there's no use for children.

Anyone want to buy some shoes? I think we're going to wrap this up now we've got to go and pack up and get home on the fucking

Jew shoe that's that's my big close-up muggins and cream 24 altitude 2024

oh that's why I said 24 if that's where you want to end that's why I said

24 I thought it was like muggins and cream 24 never switch off 24 7

I just think it's a really horrible way to end a podcast. Alright let's talk about. No. No no no no no no little bonus 5-10 minutes of talking about why Marlena gives the rider. So we found out to. We like when she's nice in a rider and gives her like stuff that we turn up and have. Here is a small story about how Marlena's rider system works.

Before we turn up anywhere, she will send through a food rider, what we want backstage, drinks, and then a technical rider. And technical rider will say things like, we want a red spot on the mic, which means a red light firing down. It looks atmospheric. We want red gels on the back. And what red gels means is there's six lights at the back of the car. So something like this, right?

The show's about to start. House lights drop. Stage lights drop. Red spot goes on the mic. There's just a red spot on the mic. It's atmospheric. Offstage mic goes live. And Daniel starts talking.

We would never have thought of that. No. We would have just gone lights down. But it is good. It's really fucking good. And we need Molly andlene to have the devil in the detail. And then I would walk on stage

and lights would come up. The red lights at the back would change to white or they would go magenta. Yeah, magenta. The red spot would change

to obviously to follow spots for me to make people focus on me. We don't have any expertise on this. Marlene is meticulous so we try to meet somewhere half in the middle

but what happens is we go to places and they're like hey we don't have the red gels for the back of the gig do you think this gig could go ahead we're like man I don't even know what you just said like if the microphone works

there's just like the thing and we're like sure yeah go ahead he's like oh we don't care he's like oh I hope you care because we're they kind of hire this equipment in to do that and we're like oh no no no

like we don't care yeah Marlena cares the whole operation the whole operation this is necessary otherwise it's just fucking

ramshackle right so we need like a team behind I say a team it's Marlena to make this look

more professional than we would ever make it look we get to Croatia we're in Rijeka we walk out on stage for the sound check and on the mic

is you know the wind guards that you see news agents have just when they're performing in public it's like this

bigger phone thing that goes around the mic news agents news broadcasters journalists not the shops when they're performing in public. It's like this bigger phone thing that goes around the mic. News agents. News broadcasters, journalists. News broadcasters, sorry. Not the shops. I was thinking,

you know the wind thing that the news agents have? I was thinking of them spiral things, that spin run where it catches the wind and the advertisement. Sorry, newscasters and news reporters. It's called a pop shield, I think, and it's, you know,

when you're like, I picked a pickle pepper and it stops the crackling of the mic so we walk out on stage of Rieke and there is this massive red windbreak on this thing and every time we hold it up to our mouth it looks like we're a clown because there's this red thing in front of our mouth

and we say to the people let's get rid of this I'd rather for it and we're like we didn't ask for it and then they showed us in the rider it said red spots on the light short ad for short ad for spotlight so in their croatian translation in their third language that's what it fucking meant so we didn't realise

what you'd also put on was and we didn't find out till we were drinking we've been to Bulgaria this is our third time here we've been with

Ivan and the comedy club people every single time he told us tonight that there is something in our writing where Marlena says at midnight you have to

give the boys the option to go home because they will never go home themselves. They're very polite. They're very polite. they'll stay out forever but it's important which is really nice

actually because no no hang on hang on hang on hang on I'm just thinking about the times where I've had

someone like fucking Guy Stevens you know if they'd give us if they'd give us an opportunity to get out it would be like fucking bang

relief yeah okay okay but the majority the majority of the time, we're staying because we want to stay. In fact, you know what? I don't think I'm giving myself enough credit.

I'd fucking absolutely eject myself from a situation I didn't want to be in. Hey, of course you would. I'm absolutely going. Right, anyway, early flight tomorrow. There's no argument with it. I'd get my saluda there.uted there no yes if you were super uncomfortable and you weren't enjoying it but you will admit and this is where marlena is right which

is horrible to admit there would be points when if we stayed out with someone till 12 that before then if we didn't like them we'd leave but if we stay with someone until 12 we won't leave them until 5 unless they tell us to fucking leave like it's

like if somebody keeps us out until 12 we would never make the suggestion to go home if we're enjoying ourselves of course so it's like

you know what she's doing it's like get him to the Greek it's like fucking these have got an early flight tomorrow. Are you calling me a massive rapist? Yep, yep.

Sarah Marshall. It's a completely different film. No, but you did narrow it down because we could have just pretended that Jonah Hill was the rapist. Yeah, yeah. I could have a clean-ass scope. I could have a clean-ass scope.

Jonah Hill is a lovely man and was not the most evil thing in the movie, get him to the creek. He did, didn't he? Is he in it? I don't know, I think so. I'm not sure, actually. It was the other one.

Well, to be fair, I can't imagine how many people were silenced in that one. To be fair, I can't imagine how many people were silenced in that movie. The point being is that bedtime's in the radar. And Marlena, I know you're listening to this and I know you get very, very upset when we

misrepresent you in this podcast which is fair which is fair I would say we do always when we talk about Marlena we hold her under the scrutiny and the scope of a comedian no what we do is we get her

on the fucking pier and we do a caricature of her which is exactly what she looks like Marlena I fucking love you but I gotta fucking tell you right now because I cannot fucking believe you put a bedtime tell you right now because I cannot fucking believe

you put a bedtime in a rider. Do you understand? A bedtime option. An option for a bedtime. A get out clause. Everyone knows the story of Guns and Roses rider and Guns and Roses rider was

there has to be only blue M&M's in the bowl on the table and the reason that was the case was because their technical rider for all the pyrotechnics for all the lights for all the sound for the mics for everything needed to do their performance what they would do is on the food rider they would put something really specific like only blue M&Ms. And what happened was when they walked into the green room, if they saw only blue M&Ms on the table, they knew everything else was perfect. All the settings, all the lights, the red spot. Because these people had paid attention to the rider.

It's not an arrogant thing. It's not a diva thing. It's a really quick, smart way. And Marlena does do that so guns and roses have a blue eminem rider being like don't you fight we had a bedtime right i had a bedtime right at daniel and um a better how long have we had a bedtime was that just because we had an early flight is that on all of the riders? Is that a copy and paste job? How many times have we,

because I've stayed out late most of tour, how many times have I rolled over the bedtime rider? If like, do you guys want to get back to the hotel? And I'm like, fuck no. And they're like, what do we do? The journey's out of control We We can get the Scottish One into bread

Bread But he's buying coke And he's just made two lines And then Oh the Scottish one's Staying out as well Looks like we're both staying out How long have we had

The bedtime rider How long have we had The bedtime rider? How long have we had the bedtime rider? Marlena. How long have we had the bedtime rider? You fucking bitch. Mate, we still get gluten stuff. The amount of gluten-free stuff that we've left.

No, no, no. Look, as much as I do enjoy besmirching the good name of... I was gluting stuff the other day, so it might have been from an old writer. Was it? Mate,

I think you're just blind to them. We turn up, there's loads of stuff and I think you just go like Terminator, like fucking checking out the size of people's jackets and shoes,

right? Egan, crisps, M&M's, right? There's a whiskey, bo shoes, right? You're going, crisps, M&M's, right? There's a whiskey, boop, right? You fucking haven't got a Scooby, what else is on the table?

Man, I'll peruse the options, mate. You're like, you're going, gluten-free coffee. Mate, you're so bad at spotting stuff that isn't just on the selective things that you've chose to see in the world like you know how I agree with you but that's why it's so easy man I've changed

it's never been an option I'm like Cara's the one that's my favourite thing nothing else matters once I know what I like it's never been an option I'm like that is the one that's my favourite thing nothing else matters that's once I know what I like I don't I think about the women

he farted on a couple of lasses can we not can we save that for the Patreon no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no couple of lasses I genuinely I cringed for like an hour did you because you seemed

remorseless at the time I had to you styled that shit out I had to there was there was I don't want to talk about it man there was other people

saw what you did I don't want to fucking talk I really really really we've done an hour and ten I don't want to fucking talk about it I'm not at the mood it's like

it's something I cringe over in this show I would never have guessed that in Avnani It's something I cringe over in the show. I would never have guessed that. In Avnani for a while, I thought you were... I don't want to fucking talk about it. Later on, you thought I'd live for me. Look, hey. You're doubling down.

Our next gigs are in Canada. We've got several weeks off. I've got Matty Stagg doing Southampton and nobody else is coming. It's just me and Matty in Southampton. When's that? The week after next. Sometime, I don't know.

I'll tell him a time. I've still got to book it yet. You're doing a Stagg doing Southampton? Aye. He got us Matt Letizia and then fucking asked us to marry him. Whatever. He did the cameo for Matt Letizia. Aye fucking asked us to marry him. Whatever. He'd done the cameo

for Matt Letizia. I find... And I listen to this as well. I also, now that I know that Matt listens to this, I want you to know that Kai took me to Vegas

and he's taking you to Southampton. Aye, yeah. Know your role. And also, sorry, I won't be on your stack too because I've got... Self-harmophobia.

No, I'm on a family... I'm in Brighton. I can't make it. I'm just chilling in Brighton. We're on a family holiday. We're doing our first day. We're doing our first holiday, which is just me. That's it.

It's my first family holiday. Just me. Getting a of reef. Hey, I'm really sorry for this episode, thank you for listening. What we're talking about before, we're talking about you farting on lasses.

I was about to say about how fucking blind you are, the stuff in the world, you were talking about how you're blind, and I was like, I could see that the day when you fought on people um so i'd lost me jacket and you know when i lose stuff i make a scene you never get involved you're just like all right you've lost a thing yeah it's not just and and this isn't even in defense of me this is i'm gonna stand up for natalie here it's not that when you lose something,

you make it everyone else's problem. Whenever anything happens to you, you make it everyone else's problem. You are the only person I know who will walk into a room of other people who are fed and go, I'm hungry. And everyone goes, okay. Yeah, get this guy fed.

Team effort, community, sense of community. So I say this is a man who helped you look for your wedding certificate on your wedding day. And my wedding ring on my fucking wedding day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, man, I've been there for you. Right? I lost my jacket.

It had my retainers in the pocket. I showed you sympathy, man. Oh, you did? You did, right? And I put real effort into it. But, you did. You did. And I put real effort. But Danny, this is what I'm saying. This isn't about you being mean-spirited. This is about

you having blindness to stuff that isn't even interesting. We get into the taxi to the next destination and it just so happens to be the same taxi that picked me up from the airport in Romania that was taken

across the border to Bulgaria. It just so happened to be the same guy. We didn't know that when we got in it. No. That was just a taxi to us

and if I left me coat in the taxi, bye bye gone forever. Right? We didn't have a fucking number for the random taxi that took us there. So this taxi arrives,

same fucking dude, right? And you get in the back I get in the middle Alex gets in the front and I just fucking like I don't know why I look in the back but I was like

me fucking jacket is that any of your hoodie and I'm like is that me fucking jacket is that the jacket I wiped my arse with when I shot in the back of the car

I think it was mate you got in the back you got in the back of the car? I think it was. Mate, you got in the back. You got in the back with the elusive jacket that you knew had lost and just popped your hoodie on it. You got in with not an empty back seat, a back seat with the jacket that you've seen me wear

since last summer. I bought it last summer. You know how many retainers are in there? You just chucked your hoodie on it. And I'm like, underneath your hoodie, I'm like, you know how in Vegas, I put in the WhatsApp group, I've lost me credit card, British Airways credit card, right? And my Coke. I'm going to take a punt that they're in the same place.

I put that in the WhatsApp group. I remember. A few people were like. Man, I remember getting that text on my phone when I was using your credit card. I froze it. I froze it.

I borrowed everyone else's coke. I got into your room and he went, do you want a line? Is your fucking cut my coke or my credit card? And I'm like, no, now I'm looking for that. Off my phone with a text of you asking for it. With two blue ticks. You've got,

you've got a blindness for stuff that doesn't affect you. I know. And that's why, and that's why I was thrilled that a shark ate some Russian cunt. Okay. Anyone want to buy some

shoes? See you next time. Sorry.