Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.36: Gay Pizza

Episode Date: June 21, 2023

Craig Hill fills a Muggins shaped hole with Cream in an innuendo packed podcast. The boys discuss gay terminology, their early careers and Fathers day. Craig gives Daniel the rare gift of masculinity.

Hello fuckers, welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road, minus Humphreys. The good news is it's me, it's me for the next three fucking episodes. I'll be here, Kai will not be here at all. He is off. I think he's got Matty's stag do and then I think he's in Manchester doing shit. So I'm getting people to fill in and why not start off as strong as possible. I've got Craig Hill filling in for Kai, filling the big hole that Kai has left. And Craig is very good at that. There's a lot of this type of comedy in the podcast. There is also probably the most masculine I have ever been on this podcast.

And it's very, very satisfying for me. You'll know exactly what it is. It's a very small moment. It won't make you laugh. You won't enjoy it. But I need you to understand how important very satisfying for me. You'll know exactly what it is. It's a very small moment. It won't make you laugh. You won't enjoy it, but I need you to understand how important it was to me. We talk about comedy.

We talk about TikTok. We make, well, I make wild accusations. We talk about our early careers and it's very funny. It's very silly. And I hope you enjoy it the same seats. That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia.

Where have you been since 9-11? So it's not a gift. It's not a gift. Yeah, it's amusing though. I'm just going to put that down there so I know roughly what I might want to talk about you. You can either have the gift or ask me what gay pizza is.

Oh, well, I mean, we'll have to start off with gay pizza. Can I guess first? Are we filming already? Yeah, we are. Oh my God, we're on it. It's very loose. We're straight in.

So it's right. So is it a new term, gay pizza? It's not a new term. I made it up today. Oh, OK. So you've made up gay pizza. Is it not a new term. I made it up today. Oh, okay. So you've made up. Gay pizza, is it a food thing? No, but it comes in a box that looks remarkably like a pizza box. Okay.

So a flat box, it's gay pizza. It's not food. Can I give you an aside? Yes, please. The guy who delivered it a couple of weeks ago asked me if I'd like Viagra. Said he keeps it in his wallet. He's the postman. Your postie asked you if he could give me a selfie?

I shouldn't say that. But yes, he just said. He did. He just said. I don't know how it came up. Which is a good title for one of my shows. And also a great advertising slogan for Viagra. A postman.

I mean, you can have lots of different postmen can't you but one of them said I don't know how it came up but one of them said to me yeah he said if you ever need that oh that's what it was

he asked me the title of my show this year and I said it's called This Gets Harder Every Year and he went well if it does you know where to come I just can't believe

that actually happened and I thought it was such a brilliant conversation to be fair that would be a very good Craig Hill title Craig Hill you know actually happened. And I thought it was such a brilliant conversation. To be fair, that would be a very good Craig Hill title. Craig Hill, you know where to come. Well, I thought you were going to say,

if it would, you know, yes, I enjoy it, because it doesn't have to come. I thought, don't, I'm not promoting that. But yeah, you know where to come. Yeah. That is a good one. Yeah, if you were to do, especially if you're at the same venue

that you played a couple of times, Craig Hill, you know where to come. Straight after, this gets harder every year No, I just thought of something really, I don't know how far I can go on your lovely podcast. As far as you fucking like. Well I'm not going to say this is my answer to You Know Where To Come

but in my head, you know we've got devilish imaginations as comedians and there's a thing in your head you should say so I'm going You Know Where To Come My Puss Don't say it, don't say it, I didn't say it You did and it's a thing in your head you should say so I'm going you know where to come my puss don't say it don't say it I didn't say it you did and it's very very tame for what

this podcast is you've got to remember I'm telling you at least once a month I am ignorant and racist this is a safe space because nobody listens to this anyway that was my VT my Viagra tangent

so you're posty and it's an aside a safe space because nobody listens to this. Anyway, that was my VT, my Viagra tangent. Right. So you're Posty, who and it's an aside, sometimes offers you Viagra. He delivered you the gay pizza box. It's not pizza in it. It was only when I opened it I suddenly thought, this is like a gay pizza. I see.

I mean, the stereotype, I just, for me, I think it's something dessert-y, but you've said it's not food. I mean, it's hard to do in a podcast. Another good title. But it's more the visual. I didn't expect the box to be pizza-like. So I thought, it is like getting a pizza.

And I've been waiting for this thing. But who knew it was going to come in a flat domino looking plain box. Shall I? Yes please. Shall I just cut to the chase? It's gay t-shirts from Spain that I spotted a guy wearing when I was on holiday in Tormoleros and said where did you get that? Those two little men next to each other with their little um what do you call the little things that they were in front of themselves the little not quite a shamrock but oh the yeah the adam and eve leaves yeah so two little men in the very funny little t-shirt and i said what do you get and this guy said oh from a spanish company blah blah so i ordered them from spain i love them so much i chose four more and the four more arrived this morning and they were in a pizza

box as far as I'm concerned because I thought oh this is like gay pizza I've been waiting for these t-shirts for ages and and I think um straight people would get more excited by pizza and I would get more excited by gay t-shirts in the post so it felt like gay pizza so I opened them and I was like oh my god look at look at my gay pizza. And yeah, so. So yeah, originally. I nearly said gaping pizza. I tried not to say that in my head. I thought, don't, it just crossed my head as I said it.

Yeah, a gaping pizza is just one. They've not got it up into eight pieces. They've just cut a massive hole out of the middle. Yeah, I'm sure. Listen, if the word gaping is involved, I think it's no longer a pizza. Unless it's a piece of the action. I couldn't help it. I couldn't help it. I't help it i had to see

it no my brain when you said gay pizza because like i think the the the terms that the gays have for things are always my favorite like the difference between solid gold gay and platinum gay interesting i don't even think i know this but i'm i can guess i'll try and guess which category i'm in what does that mean like super, super gay? No, no, it's not to do with like the degree of your calmness or your gayness or whatever it is. Is it a half pint of gayness or a whole pint of gayness? A gayness shandy. I've said that in an Irish bar before in Dublin.

Aye, can I get a couple of pints of gayness please? You look like your fool son. That's exactly what happened. I said to the guy, can I have a pint of gayness? Andness please You look like a fool son That's exactly what happened I said to the guy Can I have a pint of Gayness And the guy went If it's Gayness You're after

I'll sit in a Northern Irish Because I can't do the Southern one So he said If it's Gayness you're after I think you've had enough I want to marry him So yeah I'm surprised that you can't

Do an Irish accent You've always been someone Who's excellent I can do a Northern Irish accent I can't do the The Southern Irish I've not been around Is Andrew Maxwell Has got that accent can't do an Irish accent. You've always been someone who's excellent. I can do a wee Northern Irish accent. I can't do the Southern Irish. I've not been around it. Andrew Maxwell's got that accent, hasn't he? He's brilliant.

And he's the one I would use because he's got a really strong accent. But I haven't tried enough to do it. And I think my mum was Northern Irish, so I think I automatically go to the more Northern. I just hear that in my head. So I need to practice. My French teacher in high school was... We all remember

her. Weirdly even as a gay man I remember my French teacher. Why are French teachers hot? If you're out there and you're a French teacher congrats. Oh ours wasn't hot. She was Northern Irish and I just remember like so much I'd be like right sit down now

we're going to do some French. Savas aux yeux d'oui. Savas bien. Merci. Comment t'appelles toi? she would be like right sit down now we're going to do some French ça va au jour de oh that is so merci commente appellet with the same with the Irish accent all the way through

and we went to France with her like we went to Paris on our French exchange trip and that is how she would talk well I went to bonjour je voudrais

un pain au chocolat I'm not going to pass miss if I say it with that wee Irish accent I was over in Paris in January because I used to work with a girl when I was a hairdresser. And I still know her.

And she lives in Paris. She's lived there for 25 years. And I met her Scottish slash French children. She's got three children. And the whole time when they were speaking French, I mean, I'll try and think of a French sentence. They're so beautiful, lovely French. And then when I walked in, they went,

oh, you must be Craig. Because she's from Glasgow. And I was like, child, how can you go from that? That is so weird. Because French sounds so elegant and eloquent. And suddenly it was like a wee Glasgow. What a thing. Speak French.

But what a good thing for them to have because, look, I don't mean to say, the French accent is not a threatening accent. You've said it's very much a language of love. It's musical. Yeah, there was a slight musicality about his Scottish. I mean, it wasn't quite as wide as I said, It's musical. Yeah, there was a slight musicality about his... I mean, it wasn't quite as wide as I said,

but there still was a little bit of the French musicality about it. I'm going down the brae to say my prayer. I'm pureth my heat, so I am. I am absolutely content. Yeah, it seems like there's a lot of show direction with a little Scottish French accent. God, and that would be the two worst kisses I think you could combine

would be the French kiss and the Glasgow kiss. Oh my God. Oh my God. Somebody's sticking the nut in with their tongue. Yeah, I was going to say, a Glasgow kiss is what you do when you discover someone else having a French kiss with your partner.

Yes, yes. That's the order that happens then. So the difference between a gold gay and a platinum gay. I love that you know this and I don't. I love. So what is the difference? Gold gay is somebody, a gay that has never had sex with a woman at all. Oh, I have heard this expression.

Never been inside of a woman. Inside. What a funny expression. Oh, I have heard this expression. Never been inside of a woman. Inside? What a funny expression. Yeah, yeah. And a platinum gay is a gay who's never had sex with a woman but was also born cesarean. So at no point have they touched a fanny. Interesting.

I have. That's all I'm saying so yeah does that make me gold? I think you're gold you're a gold gay oh my god I mean

I would high five you but it seems so machismo no no no but if you've touched a fan at any point then I think you'd only be a silver gay like if you'd sexually

touched a vagina in your exploration in your youth I assume then I think you'd be a silver gay I just felt under pressure to get them off the scent. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll bet. I guess them off the scent. Do you know my favourite thing was when I came out and told people I was gay, they said, I mean, they actually said, what, but you've always gone on about that Madonna. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, because that's proof. That made me laugh so much. People really thought, and my best friend, oh yeah, yeah, because that's proof. That made me laugh so much. People really thought, and my best friend, this girl,

she was very attractive. And I think that got people off the scent. Because gays love pretty ladies. Yeah. Do you know, pretty things. So yeah, my best friend was really good looking and people thought she was my bird. I was quite chuffed that they thought she was my girlfriend

because she was so beautiful. I'm still friends with her now. Good. She's not the one that you brought to Glastonbury with, is it? No. Okay thought she was my girlfriend because she was so beautiful. I'm still friends with her now. Good. She's not the one that you brought to Glastonbury with, is it? No. Okay. That was my cousin. That is your cousin. Well, he's got bright, who knows? Yeah.

Could be the same person. Yeah, so Daniel, it's a special day. Do you know why it's a special day? I do not. Not just because it's the day after Father's Day. Congratulations. Oh, yes, yes. My second Father's Day. It's still like this time he actually kind of signed the card himself. And by that I mean he was able to hold the pen and he can do it on the inside.

That's cool. And that was nice. That was progress. He's got his teeth. And today he, it wasn't a full sentence, but it was like my equivalent of like him putting two words together. He pointed at the bubbles. He loves his bubble machine. And he went, da-da bubbles. Da-da bubbles.

And I was like, that's amazing. And then yesterday. I used to go out with somebody called da-da bubbles. He was 86, but he was generous. Daada Bubbles does sound like a drag king. It does, it does. I already know that whoever Dada Bubbles is, he's really lovely. He's sweet and he looks after you.

And a firm lay. A firm lay. Wow, I hadn't even gone there. I thought me and Dada Bubbles were past that stage. I thought it was all Dada Cuddles with Dada Bubbles. I think that's the stage we would have got to It's maybe just because whenever I Daddy is still very much Because he only calls me Dada

The word Daddy's not been like It's sexualised for a bunch of people All my friends who liked being called Daddies Have told me becoming a father ruined that for them. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, so they've now become dada. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How very arty.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How very dadaist. Very fucking... But yeah, you have a present, dada. I do, yeah. Whoa, so the good thing, my favourite bit about Father's Day yesterday was I've got a new Nintendo Switch game.

I'm playing Zelda. Which begs the question, which one's the child? Yes, it's almost as if he knew I just wanted an hour to play with. Myself. No, no, because he came in and he tucked himself in my arm and for an hour he just sat

on me while I played. Like occasionally he tried to help and then realised he wasn't helping but he was just happy to yeah, he wanted to press the buttons, do the fucking things. And I said to Cara, I'm like, this is a very satisfying father's day. That was, yeah, that sounded like a good present, I have to say.

Not as good as the one I've got you. Oh, yes. Now, I don't know if we can call this a present. You will laugh at it. It's ridiculous. It's not a present, but I have brought a thing. And it's for me to keep. Um, no.

No, no. Okay, right. That's why it's not a present. Actually not. So, it is

brown sauce. Now, you think this is a present. It's not a present and it's not a match of competition. It's just practical. I had a couple of sausages on a bat

for lunchtime and i couldn't open this and i thought i wonder if daniel could is this it's as simple as that i only want it opened i'm taking it back and popping it on bread and sausages but i i can't open this and i got rubber gloves and i tried to open it and i was like oh my god i can't believe you're asking me to do this for camera, man. Well. Especially when Kai's not here. He's going to. I mean, let's see.

Who's the dada? Yeah. Here comes, here comes dada bubbles. I mean, how can that be so difficult? It's also been opened before. Yes.

Like this isn't a, like this is a half filled. It's probably sealed shut with, Oh, you're a fucker. With, with, do you know, condensed brown sauce. It's not opening, is it? Oh, God damn it. sealed shut with with do you know condensed

brown sauce it's not opening is it see yeah I knew you'd probably quite like the challenge I've fucking oh no

this is the rest of the podcast I'll tell you right come on I've always said brown sauce gives great podcast no

no oh my god ladies and gentlemen the hardest cunt who's the great podcast. No, no. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, the hardest cunt alive. Who's the dada? You the dada. Isn't it nice?

It smells of it. I'm not normally a massive fan of brown sauce, but I do got, I have to say, I admire-ish you going off brand because I'm the opposite. If I go into someone's house and they have beans or ketchup that is not Heinz

and you don't live in poverty. Yes. If you are middle class, upper working class, and you buy anything other than brand, like Heinz ketchup, I think it's a fucking travesty. I think it's a real travesty. I think it's a real...

Because you should know better. Well, I just think there's some brands out there that are just the best at it. And, like, Dyson. Dyson Hoovers are just the best too. Well, I don't know. If you were to ask the gays, I'm not saying they're all saying aye on hoovering, but my not saying they're the all-seeing eye on hoovering,

but my God, they are the all-seeing eye on hoovering. If anyone's a professional knowing what sucks well, it's going to be the gays. I mean, I opened it up for you. Another good title. But yeah, it was... No, no, no, I would disagree. I would say Miele.

Really? M-I-E-L-E. Miele. Oh, I think we had one at one point Because our cleaner we used to have That's just my opinion She said shark was actually a very good one The shark ones

Oh, I know nothing of them But no, the melee has served me well for years I did recently Well, I thought I had to replace it And then I realised The handyman who came round to my house Suck sucked up my what?

Magic eraser. I did. Do you know those magic erasers? No. Well, it's a white sponge that if you want to get stains off walls and wood and off your trainers,

the white bit your trainers back to fresh. Oh, I don't know. There's a magic eraser you put in water and I don't know what's in it but it actually takes everything back to white and I just, that's what it was this is really ridiculous

my friend is handy he is a handyman he wasn't a handyman he was just a friend who i found out was a handyman and then i told him i had a problem with my pistons so i have a bed a storage bed that i got from habitat and and when something went wrong with it and they said, oh, there's nothing we can do, you can contact the company in Italy and so, anyway. But the idea of a storage bed is you, you know, you hide, you put things under, you hide. I've always thought if somebody broke into

my house, I'd have somewhere to hide and he'd never find me because you'd never know there was somebody underneath the bed until now I've said it. So guys, if you fancy robbing and murdering Craig Hill, please don't. He's under the bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you can't find him. But yeah, so in this thing, you lifted it and you had put all your shoes and everything in and then it went tits up. And my friend came around to fix my pistons. He said, I can put new pistons in your bed. Not a metaphor. And he did. And now it's fantastic.

You do that and it's really light and it's fantastic. You do that, and it's really light, and it's fantastic. But anyway, he came down to the house, and he hoovered that. Because we couldn't. I couldn't get the hoover to it. Because you need someone to hold it while you're hoovering. But anyway, he held it. I hoovered it. Blah, blah, blah.

Then I handed him the hoover for the last bit, and he sucked up my magic eraser. And I thought my mealy was done, and it wasn't done. It just was choking on a magic eraser sponge yeah so I didn't have to buy a new hoover so the point is they lasted longer than I thought but they did survive a choking on a magic eraser one way it's like I've I've had to do occasionally with our um Dyson which is you go fuck this thing isn't working anymore I would here's the other thing I will say about the the wall Dyson. And I'll do it when we're in the house. Remind me to show you it.

It has one of the most satisfying like on and off noises. Like it's very Star Wars. I'm so glad you brought that up. Oh, it's like the reason you do it. I feel like even though I'm hoovering my very boring kitchen floor, I feel like I'm in Star Wars. This is so funny you brought this up. There are two things that's connected with I wanted to talk to you about. Let's go.

One of them is at your wedding, which we'll talk about later. One of your friends showed up with a lightsaber brawley. And I drunkenly chatted to him. And I woke up in the morning to find that I too had ordered one. I call it Amazonesia. I just fall asleep. I'm drunk. I order things. I wake up in the morning to find that I too had ordered one. So I've not. I call it Amazonesia. I just fall asleep. I'm drunk. I order things.

I wake up two days later, the guy comes and I have no idea what it is. And... Yeah, past Craig buying future Craig gift. Yeah, exactly. So this is the reason why during lockdown I woke up to a telescope. I was walking through the street going, an iPhone really can't capture the moon, can it? And I was thinking, imagine you had a telescope.

And then I found a telescope. Now someone else has got that because why did I do that? But anyway, no, the lightsaber, your friend had one, the guy who looked really, he looked fantastic, really handsome, lovely curly hair, and he was dressed very dapper, and he was really quite proud. Rich Masara? Oh, Rich Masara, yes.

He had a fantastic, and you press the umbrella, and it's like a lightsaber. It changes colours. That is a very Rich Masara thing yes, it was. Fantastic. And you press the umbrella and it's like a lightsaber. It changes colours. That is a very Rich Masada thing to have as well. And I ordered it on us. I cannot wait to the first festival slash rainy wedding that I go to. So I've got a jazzy bra. So it lights up.

It lights up. It's fantastic. And it's got a wee light on the bottom for pensioners who can't see where they're going. It's actually perfect. Anyway, so that's the first Star Wars kind of or star whatever is it star wars star trek which one star wars it's stars all stars to me trek or wars anyway um so that was the first thing but the other thing was i i thought i'm going to mention something weird to daniel that i don't know if the subject will ever come up and you brought it up yourself. Have you noticed that objects in the house sing to you or make noises?

Will you recognise the melody? I have. So, my microwave plays Britney Spears' Stronger. It's not even a joke. I actually recorded it to bring to here today to let you hear it. I'm really hoping that... Hold really hoping before you do this can you just play me stronger on this just so i've got it just just so i've got the reference point

in my head because oh is it copyrighted because the only strong song i know is stronger than it is what does it kill you makes you stronger but i feel, it's not that one So Let's hear the OG This is what my I can't believe I recorded my microwave Am I a normal person? No, but none of us are

Before I go to do Daniel's podcast I hope you can hear this Let me just turn the volume up There I hope you can hear this let me just turn the volume up there it's not a joke that I do that every single time I microwave anything let's just hear it again this is me in my normal house this is how I live my life hey hey me in my normal house. This is how I live my life. Bow, bow, bow,

hey, hey. I do that every single time. And I've noticed that lifts play Barbra Streisand's Feelings. Please continue. Every lift goes boo, boo. And I go boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.

Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo and that was in Birmingham and then I went to Glasgow and I opened it and I pressed number four and the left came up and they went boo boo

oh my god oh let's play feelings that's that's probably the gayest reference I've ever it's also it's also very like

I think that just how like pure of heart you are, that whenever you hear beeping, you hear something musical. Whenever I hear beeping, I scream at whatever is beeping. Beeping's torture. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've learned to deal with torture, but what I mean by that... LAUGHTER Fuck yeah. No, no, no, really. I digress. Now, what I really mean by that is

things that torture you or annoy you or stress you, I have this little kind of method where, like, for example, if you took milk out of the fridge and it was in a glass bottle and it smashed, I've learned, I've got this little thing and I go, I'm really glad that happened and I convinced myself but it's not that big a deal and it really stops me getting stressed about everything or I've got this other really really weird thing this is very strange to tell anyone this so the other day was

with a friend and something fell off a shelf and I went David David! My friend went, who's David and why did you say that in an English accent? And I said, oh, because I was on holiday once in Palma and I met this woman and her husband never spoke the whole time, but my god he was demanded to do everything she requested and she just went, David! Can you sort that out? Back to the conversation.

And she just kept on doing this, David! Look out to the children! David! Lunch! And the way she spoke to him was terrible. And then I suddenly thought, so whenever something goes wrong, it just became a running joke between me and my friends. I'd just go, David. And I feel like there's this magical person

who sorts everything out. And it makes me feel like the whole thing isn't as stressful if I just, because it's like you make yourself laugh. Yeah, I do that whenever I do something I will even if it's me alone in a room or if it's me with Caitlin

I will blame it on whatever it is on Cara and that's because I am so much nicer to Cara than I am to myself right Cara will notice this if I do one small thing and I fuck up myself I will beat myself up for three hours

call myself a fucking idiot call myself a piece of shit whereas Cara today phoned me up she's driving my Tesla a supercar

and she didn't crash it but she's knocked the fucking wing mirror off oh okay and she phoned me up she's like

I'm really really sorry I've taken the wing mirror off the car and I'm like baby as long as you're okay and as long as the other I've taken the wingman off the car and I'm like baby as long as you're okay and as long as the other person is okay

as long as you did it and I didn't do it yeah then I can forgive you you're more likely to get angry at yourself yes I can

forgiveness in other people and this is very weird for me to say since I hold grudges like nobody else I find it so much easier to forgive people that I love

than I do to forgive myself for anything that's interesting but all you're is, what I'm talking about is, taking little potential stresses in life and nipping them in the bud immediately with any ridiculous technique. So if I shout on somebody called David who doesn't exist, it makes me laugh. So that's why I do it because anything that makes you laugh stops you getting stressed. Just go back to to the sound thing,

whenever you hear a noise and it takes you to a song or whatever, my brain doesn't do that. A lot of mine takes me back to moments of my childhood. If I ever hear the bing-bong announcement at an airport, sometimes it's like a doorbell. Sometimes, you know, in corner shops, they've got their bing-bong, door opens, and it's just to let them know that somebody In corner shops They've got their Bing bong Door opens And it's just like

Let them know That somebody's in I find it impossible To hear Bing bong And not go Attention please Attention please

With all weak And non-swimmers All weak And non-swimmers Please make the way To the shallow end Of the pool All weak

That was Did that happen At school or something Leave in mouth Swimming pool Is that is there Bing bong Attention please Attention please It's funny though I was just thinking So I Did that happen at school or something? Leave-in-mouth swimming pool. That is their ding-bong. Attention, please.

Attention, please. It's funny, though, isn't it? I was just thinking, so I... Again, we'll talk about this in a second. So I've just joined TikTok. Oh, yes. Because I'm only 23 and eventually you should. It does feel like it's a young person's thing.

No, no, because Kylie is on TikTok and apparently she's, apparently she's blowing up amongst the younger generation. She is with that. She is actually because of that song Padam, which is, you know,

so infectious. I've never, I've never listened to a song so much and not got bored. How do you do that? How do you write a song that doesn't bore you? Because it's,

because I think, and I've listened to the song a couple of times, it's one of those ones where the chorus is, Padam's not a word. That's just her. She's, she's, she's doing onomatopoeia for the couple of times, it's one of those ones where the chorus is... Badam's not a word. That's just her. She's doing onomatopoeia for the heart.

Yes, it's nice. Yeah, and it's just... There's something repetitive about it and catchy. Yeah. It's like whenever you hear a new word, you want to say it over and over again to get it in. And it sounds like a nice word, doesn't it? Padam, padam, I hear it and I know.

So I joined TikTok and then my friends were like, oh my God, you're going to turn into one of these people who doesn't concentrate on the conversation anymore because you're looking for content. So I was like, yeah, I'll be aware of that. I won't turn into that guy. But if there's any potential, I will use it. I feel like TikTok would be a very good

place for you creatively. You're a wonderful singer. You're a very good dancer. You find joy in everyday life walking around. Me and my mother have always said the greatest fringe show that there ever could be would just be you on the top deck of a bus that's driving around Edinburgh

with a microphone. I think I've done that. I did do that once. Oh did you? I did do that once oh did you? I did do that once somebody asked I've not got any footage of it but somebody did once ask me to go on a tour bus and go around Edinburgh

with a microphone and I loved it it was a joy watching travelling anywhere because you and me have travelled the world together yes

with our job I love walking through public places with you because normally when me and Kai go through airports I've got my headphones on I'm a miserable fucking piece of shit you don't allow that to happen you're like there's things to see there's games we can play to be had we i don't know if you remember this

when we went to singapore together i was about god i must have been 18 19 years old we just got off the 13 hour flight and we're taking the very long journey to go find our fucking luggage somewhere and you were like i've got a game we'll each say a random letter of the alphabet and you just have to while dancing put that make the shape of that letter i don't even remember that game but i'm so pleased i came out as somebody who's deeply insecure about dancing and singing whatever you would You would just be like, S. And I'd go, ah, fuck, all right. And you'd be like, yes, good, wonderful. And I'd go, T. And you'd go, oh.

Oh, that's cute. Well, that might be inspired by something I did at drama college where me and a Spanish guy went to entertain an old folks home by dressing up in business suits and being two gay men, one chained to the ironing board and one arriving home at night and then playing that king calls l is for the way you look at me and guess what we did oh v is very very extraordinary e he was hard but that might have been inspired by that because we did that a long time ago so that must have I was trying to think where on earth did I come up with this idea

of make the shape well it's just making fun out of nonsense like yesterday it's surrendering yourself to silliness that's a really good description of it surrendering yourself to silliness I passed an Indian restaurant yesterday on Leith Walk and it was

spelled K-A-H-A-N-I and I immediately went have another and i started laughing my head off and i thought content anyway um so the tiktok thing was what was interesting was i suddenly was thinking i wonder if i've got stuff that because sometimes i've recorded things just to send to a pal for a laugh. And then I suddenly realised, oh, I've been TikTok-ing for years without realising I've been sending stupid clips to friends.

So some of them I was just looking through old videos and I found this really, which combines everything we're talking about, really silly little video of me, Kai and Gordon Southern in a car and the car played the theme tune to Rocky because if you didn't put your seatbelt on it went and we all went and I have video footage

of all the events going so I'm going to TikTok Namhak out of that I might have TikTok for you. Oh, you do? You're also on one of mine. I'll tell you about that in a second. I discovered it last night.

In the car, I said this to Cara the other day, there's a song out and I just cannot hear. There's a parody song in there. And it's Pink's new one. It's a trust fall baby. Have you heard her sing that one? No I don't think I know it Pink trust fall That's a nice

That's a nice positive kind of Oh isn't it funny Oh my god it's brilliant It's the best thing she's ever released So it's sad. Okay. Oh, isn't it funny? Oh my God, it's brilliant. It's the best thing she's ever released. Pantyliners. So that song there, it's a trustful baby.

I'll make you listen to it again. There's a parody version of that, which you could sing it to a posh audience member, which is, he's a trust fund baby. Oh my God. Play it, just go back 10 seconds Oh that's He's a Trust Fund Baby Look at you

You're a Trust Fund Baby That's actually perfect That is I wanted to text you And you know who they are Of course You would see them instantly They are OBVS.

Obvs. Yes. Really, really obvious. But yeah, so no, you just reminded me years ago, I found again footage of what was quite funny because I was interviewing Pinkett T in the park. Remember I used to host the, every time I interviewed somebody T in the park, I never wanted to talk about music particularly

because I didn't, there was loads of musos could do that. I wanted something silly. So I had a really good laugh with her. And she, in the middle of it, said to me, oh my God, she said, I can actually speak Scottish. And I went, oh my God, I'd love to hear that. And I'm not joking. She said, okay, here we go.

The top of the morning to you. I said, oh, Pink, I haven't got the heart to tell you that, sorry. She went, oh my God. She's like, did I make an ass of myself? Yeah, but we've got it on camera. I know, you made an arse of yourself, love. No, do you know, if you're American, the Irish and the English Scottish accent do sound quite similar. People think I'm Irish when I'm in America.

I'm fine with being confused as Irish. So am I. What a lovely nation. I'd quite like to. Some people say they really think I've got an Irishness in my voice, but I don't think I have at all. No, you are like... 100% gay.

Somebody did ask me that when I was young. I was like 14 and this guy went, what is your accent? It's like a gay accent. Where would a gay accent be from? Greece? I said, where would I learn that? So what was the TikTok of you and me

that you found? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This was really interesting. So, yeah, it was, well, I didn't find it. It's just potential TikTok. It was basically, do you remember when we were on Good News Week and I think they must have asked you to sing and you didn't find it. It's just potential TikTok. It was basically, do you remember when we were on Good News Week?

And I think they must have asked you to sing and you didn't want to. And so you introduced me and they say the beautiful voice of Daniel Sloss. And you say mimed by Craig Hill. And I sing the song for you. So I sing George Michael's. I have no recollection. And your hair's really long in the video and you look really... So Good News Week, for those that don't know,

it was a television show in Australia back in... 2010. 2010. It's like Have I Got News For You, isn't it, over there? Yeah, kind of, yeah. I think a little bit less newsy, a bit more like Nevermind Buzzcock sort of thing. The only bit I remember fully of it, it was one of my first bits of television and it was in australia and i was very excited the

two bits that really stand out to me was i remember this bit when i was in like one of those uh the the crystal maze chambers where they blow up the gold and silver foil things and you got to catch remember that i also remember while getting makeup done backstage by the makeup artist, them not having my shade of white. Oh, that's the most shameful Scottish thing I've ever heard in my life. I was so... And she had no idea what to do because she's like,

I can only make it darker and you're lighter than the lightest thing I have. And I'm like, you're going to have to find Tipex, love. Oh my god, we've only got Kirkcaldy. You'll have to go proper tan. Listen this is amazing because I mean bizarrely, I'm just going to play this to you. Yeah do you have, do you have footage of this? I'd love to see. I was listening to it last night and I was thinking I must let Daniel hear this. So this is, I think this is the bit here.

let Daniel hear this. So this is, I think this is the bit here. Right, okay. Here we go. We got it, we got it. Will I just play it? Yes. Right, here it is Daniel. Do you want to see it or just play it? No, we don't have to show the camera, we can just see it. Right, well I do, we should hear it through the microphone shouldn't we? Yeah. Here we go. And now the beautiful voice of Daniel Sloth. And now the beautiful voice of Daniel Schloss. Mind by Craig Hill. Thank you. Okay, so somebody's singing the song. It was great fun, I loved it. You can't see what I'm doing.

Hopefully the video will be up. If not, if you just type in Good News Week, careless whisper, yeah, you should be able to find it. At the start of the video, you can see the fear and anxiety in my fucking eyes in a young comedian's long haired

face I I've spoken about this many times on this podcast I hate singing I hate

not I don't hate other people singing so they must have asked you to sing and then you said not not a chance not a chance because they did

what the round was it was like a there was a something in the news this week and that's what you had to guess and they often had a song as a clue and I did was, it was like there was something in the news this week and that's what you had to guess. And they often had a song as a clue. And I did it once on the panel.

And then they said, would you mind just coming back to be the singy guy? So they said, Daniel probably won't sing. So could you come in and sing his clue? So that's how it ended up happening. Superb. And thank you very much for doing that, because I would have I would have not I would have taken not been on the show before I would ever publicly say yes. And so what this brings up is, as I was saying, so the weird thing with TikTok is you're suddenly finding stuff that you've done before. You think, oh, yes, I should put it on there.

Probably. It's like creating your own obituary it honestly feels a bit like that i feel like this is a bit like it touched wood but if anything happened to you everyone would find all this and they put it in one place and you think we should do it while you're alive i i absolutely agree you should you should be creating the own art gallery of your life because i think the the thing that the before we had this level of social media where we had this direct relationship between artist and audience yeah it was it was always it was always kept behind the tv you had no way to do that you wouldn't have access to it

you wouldn't have access to you wouldn't have rights to it and and if people want to see you on something even if you were their favorite they would have to watch the shows you were on or find the fucking videos of the vhs or Whereas now, because we have these social media things, which I know there's shit about them, but it's such a direct relationship between you and your crowd. It gets rid of all these TV producers. It gets rid of all these fucking execs and all this thing. And I think a really good way of looking at it is being like,

fuck it, I'm going to put it all here so that if somebody discovers me from one thing, they can come and find me on social media and watch all of my things. And they're fun things that you've done. It's really nice to put them all in one place. I mean, you've done fucking heaps. I mean, how long have you been doing comedy for now?

25 years. This year. Wow. 1998. Happy anniversary. Thank you very much. Before I get into what you've said, do you remember your first gig?

Yes, I do, very clearly clearly where um it was in it was in the gilded balloon and it wasn't during the fringe it was on a february or something and it wasn't even a comedy night or comedy club it was like a space they were trying for students i wasn't a student but student it seemed to be a student kind of venue and it was just like give it a go and my friend who used to be the press officer at the go to balloon phoned them and booked the gig without telling me and i'd never shown any interest in being a comedian she just said i think you are so she knew if she asked me i wouldn't do it so she booked it and i had to do it so she told me about five days, four days before. And I said, what do I do? What were those five days like?

Were you losing your mind? Were you worrying? Well, I mean. Because I know now, even now, like you, now before a gig. Yeah. You take. I prepare quite a lot. Yeah, you do. Well, because, well, because first of all, it's not like me going on and just being like,

I fucking hate the world. You're going on, you're singing, you're dancing, you're so good at riffing with the audience, you make sure that every person in that room, it's high energy and you've got to be on your own. I'm remembering what I said yesterday. That's all my talent is. Well, so the reason I do that is,

I think it's because I went to drama college and drama college are really drummed in preparation and rehearsal. And if you want to be really sharp and really quick and you want your brain to think of things you've got to be i don't know why i'll say 27 27 steps ahead of the audience you've got to be like they're just having a wee glass of wine turn up going looking forward to this and they think you've just walked on and going hi and you're like oh my god i've done four hours of hyper like or two hours of hyper you know i'm already pretty hyper before I start. And so for that first gig,

the actor in me thought it was a bit unprofessional if I didn't do it. So I phoned the Gilda Balloon and said, hi, my friends booked a gig for me and I'm not a comedian. Would it be terrible if I cancelled? And Karen Corrin said, because I kind of knew her, I used to work in box office at the Gilda Balloon.

And Karen said well well yes she said you can cancel up to 30 seconds before you go on stage so you might as well

do it so she's a kind soul I've just done an exaggerated version of her but anyway

oh my goodness he's going to have to cut that out. Anyway, so, wow. Anyway, so that was the get out. So I thought, oh, you can cancel 30 seconds before you go on stage. I thought, why would you not do that? So that gave me a lot of guts because I thought, well, okay. And then I said to my friend, what do you think I should do? She said, I don't know, it's up to you.

So I just thought, what makes my friends laugh? And I thought, they laugh when I do Julie Andrews sings punk songs and they laugh when I do Shirley Bassey sings The Smiths. So that's all I did. I did four minutes of Julie Andrews singing punk songs. Please give us some examples. People always say that to me. And then years later they go, well, it's pretty shite now.

I was also realizing, Julie Andrews. It was the fact that Julie sang in a very English accent. So I knew if you made her sing, I am an anarchist. So I made her sing, you know, the Sex Pistols. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just picked up on the fact that it didn't really sound like her, but it was what she did, which was this lovely clipped English accent. And then you realise not many people sang like that.

Yes. Like we were thinking the other day, what accent is Sophia L. Spexler singing in? Because we were going, it sounds almost cockney, but it's also quite posh. And she's going, Go, go, go, go, go. I'll get her.

Drive me crazy up the wall. Mr. Mr. Know-it-all. And I was like, it is posh, but it also sounds quite cockney. It's like, I love it. I think it's brilliant. But it's a really unusual accent to sing in. There's a bit of,

Dick Van Dyke was my granddad to it. It's better than that. But anyway, yeah, so that was when I started doing comedy. So because in the 25 years since then, so I growing up, like when I was young, I remember from Hogmanay in Scotland most years, you were doing like the interviews and the Hogmanay things. Was it in Glasgow? Was it Edinburgh? Yeah, it was like, yeah, I mean, everyman evenings was it in Glasgow was it in Edinburgh yeah it was like yeah I mean

every year I did it in Glasgow in the studio and then the one year that you said do you want to do it live from Edinburgh I said yeah I'd love to do that

so it was like outside the castle and it got cancelled it was the year it got cancelled and I was on TV with a wee fizzing out

sparkler so it was a shame because in the studio it was quite good fun but it was a buzz outside. It was too windy. That's why it got cancelled. But yeah, so I think you're going to bring up live floor show. Yeah, so

I think it's been so and you don't have to agree with this but this is my opinion. It's been so long since BBC Scotland did anything good. Well they certainly haven't done that thing no no that's which was a stand-up comedy program and it was really unusual because it was i think it was based on friday night live and what was unique about that was rather than being in a theater and coming on doing stand-up it was a studio where each um act had their own stage and that's what was exciting about it and here's

something that's amazing about the live floor show. You have to remember this was in... I have to tell people live floor show was a programme on TV that five, I think five of us comedians... You, Frankie... Me, Frankie Boyle, Reverend Doberdash, Stephen Wolfe III... Stephen Wolfe, Bill Muir... Bob Dulally and Miles Jupp. Great.

Bob Dulally, who's Vladimir Miktavish and Reverend Dodice Stephen Booth III who is Jim Muir. Yes. Yes. Yes. And supported Frankie for years was part of if anyone watched

Tramadol Nights which was Frankie's sketch show with Tom Stead Jim Muir was also on that. That's right. So we all had our own stage so and I

think we all had the same subject to write about weddings or something and they would do five minutes of that comedy and the camera would do that and they would have their own,

like Bob Dulally would have a dressing room. See, I go theatre. Locker room as a football coach. And then it would cut to whatever. And then it cut to me and they let me change my entrance every week. Can you imagine how handy that is? And so they would just ask me what i wanted and i said

is there any chance i could come flying through the air as may they pop and send my kid with my feet together in an umbrella and there's no footage of this they would never let you do it no it was pre-internet that's why there's no so live floor show was really good fun but it was before there was any internet and i have some video footage of it. But yes, I don't think there's any on the internet. There's only me interviewing Jeannie Godley. It's the only thing I think is on it. But correct me if I'm wrong here.

I'm almost certain that Bill Hicks was on it at one point. Oh, wow. I don't know if he was. Was he? No. I remember. We used to have a guest, yeah, every now and then. We had amazing bands. Yeah. We had like

Maloko were on it and stuff. And you'd get... I'd like to go back and look at the bands, that's because the bands were amazing. I'd have to ask, were you with Marlena at this point? Yes. Yeah, I'd have to ask Marlena because I think she would... No, but for some reason I have in my head, like, because she... Marlena would have a lot of this footage, I guarantee it. Well, yeah,

she would have, Marlena being our agent. Oh, anyone who listens to this podcast is... Oh, yeah, yeah. Marlena would have a lot of this footage, I guarantee it. Well, yes, you would have Marlena being our agent. Oh, anyone who listens to this podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah. Marlena listens. She brought up a lot. Yeah, yeah, she is. And me and Guy regularly feel bad about it because this is us going on the road because Marlena is such a huge part of our lives.

Occasionally, we will air some gripes about Marlena on this podcast and because she listens to it, because she's so supportive and nice. She gets upset when we say mean things about her. Well, she's absolutely lovely and I have nothing said about her. Anyway, yes, she was and is my agent then. She might remember, she might have footage.

She is. Everything I have ever done, every single radio a radio thing i've done every newspaper clipping she has everything she is she is meticulous yeah i tell you what she doesn't want a huge fire i mean it's really nice footage of your career she does have that oh man i'm i'm i'm really really grateful for it i'm not at the stage now where i'd like to look back on it yet, but I do look forward to it.

Do you know what's really weird? I've never been a look-backer. I'm not a look-backy person. I just don't do it in life. I'm so interested in the moment and the future and buzzed up all that. And it's, you know, I'm just not, no, I'm not really nostalgic at all. But I have to tell you, I didn't realise what a big deal it was when I had done 20 years of comedy and I was

going to Los Angeles It's a quarter of a century My cousin was turning 40 and they happened to notice it was the same time of year they were like, have you not done comedy for 20 years? And I hadn't really registered that I had and when I got to Los Angeles

my cousin's 40th was like in three days time but on the first day when I got there my cousins because my cousin moved to Los Angeles to my married an American girl and we all went for his 40th but a few days before they had this big Craig's done 20 years of comedy and I started crying because I didn't realize it was such an achievement to have done anything for 20 years you just do the job and then you go actually no you should sit back and go take a wee moment to go isn't it great to have done a job you loved as much and still be loving it it's it's it is a privilege it is a true privilege to love what you do and it's a privilege to have this career where you cheat at life you don't have to get a normal job that's how i feel

about it and then you come on a podcast every week and you piss and moan about all of your success that might be exclusive to me no it's Kai as well but no I constantly think it does feel like

cheating at life I always describe comedy as an acting job that lasted yeah yes do you know because as an actor, you just,

you get a job or a gig and you hope it lasts and most actors are in and out of work and it's not an easy career to have and I always thought

I was going to be, I always thought I was going to sing more than that. I was in a band and I thought we were going to be a singer-songwriter band.

That's what I thought we were going to be. I still might do that. What kind of, what kind of music did you do? I don't know how to describe it?

Um, well weirdly I actually met the guy that I used to be in a band with years and recently and we've now Started writing again, and it's the most exciting thing I've done in years. I absolutely love it is so exciting It's because we write songs the way we used to write songs, which was pretty organically He would just have he's a really good guitarist, so he would just have a little tune on his guitar, and I would say, oh, play that again, play that again, record, record, and I would just make up this melody, because I love music.

You can tell I'm really passionate about music. So I'd make up this melody, and if it was good, we would keep it, and then I would go and write lyrics for it. So recently we got together, and he said, should we just see if we still like it? And we've done it three or four times go and write lyrics for it. So recently we got together and he said, should we just see, you know, if we still like it and we've done it four or three or four times

and now we've actually recorded it, one particular song. We've got like four songs but this one particular song I think is really catchy. It's quite poppy. Somebody described it

as 80s indies pop. I always thought it was a bit soulful. I was always inspired by Ella Fitzgerald and all that and those kind of singers. But we've recorded,

we haven't released it or done anything with it but I think at some point we might because what's the harm yeah man and also you've got fucking

you've got you're on TikTok now you're creating it for your fucking what's the harm and plus you should do things that you're passionate about you know because

it sounds really sad but sometimes one day you're not here yeah so I mean nobody else is going to come along tell you how to live your life so get out there and do it

yeah yeah I agree have you any other passions you haven't ever explored because comedy took you off in a path no really like

the you know when I was I did acting for years did you yeah at the Adam Smith Theatre my mum wanted me

at the fucking house because she worked from home and during the summer holidays I was a pain in the arse yeah I remember your muff oh yeah yeah

yes I remember seeing you acting the hell out of your muff yeah I've always enjoyed acting but I remember

in in acting what would happen is me and my friend Craig Methven and Craig if you're out there I miss you so very much

god we were funny together. Because we were just the two most confident boys in the class, we were always given the lead roles. And I hated the serious stuff because with serious acting, you have no idea how well you're doing. There's no feedback. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're relying on the director being… Oh, that's interesting. So it was a bit of comedy acting, yeah. feedback there's no your own that you're relying on the director it was a bit of comedy acting yeah yeah but but uh when whenever we did comedy stuff on stage i knew i liked being on stage and i knew

i loved getting reactions from the audience so and i've told the story a fucking thousand times on this podcast but when we did macbeth i was macbeth and craig was banko and we just kept making jokes all the time to the point where our acting teacher was like, hey, you're really good actors, and I need you to focus on this and do it well. And if you both do it seriously, I will give you five minutes after the performance in front of the audience to do whatever you like.

Oh, that's so motivating. My goodness. And we did a uh nickbeth rap where i've done you i could still remember the lines mc let him be um mc beth and i will be king mc beth and i will be king with all my jewels and my blitching bling bling uh he his line was i'm b to the a to b to the A to the end of the Q, the U to the O to what, so what are you going to do?

Are my witches and my homies in the hood going to come down on you like Burnham would? Oh my God, this is actually good. And I fucking loved that. The second we were getting this fucking reaction, that was when I was like, oh, it's... You've kind of inspired me because i've never realized any correlation between me acting um before i did a stand-up comedy and stand-up comedy and you've just reminded me that the roles

that i got the biggest buzz from were definitely the comedy roles i hadn't really registered that but we were in this uh because you're in this way man it's when you're in control yeah and we were in this play and me and a different guy played the same role. I was that guy on a Tuesday, he was that guy on a Wednesday we were at drama college and me and the girl I was working with actually couldn't

rehearse for laughing so much and she actually almost had an actual fit during rehearsals because I decided that my character had an inability to be quiet. He just could only shout his lines. So he came in and said, my wife's had one of the accidents in the home. And she started, her lips were going, she was going, I can't act. Obviously, if you do that, it's too much. She said, I just have to not look you in the

eyes. She said, it's too ridiculous. And then we got to a point where the director was like is there any way you could calm that down i was going no the audience love it um and yes and that's where you suddenly realize anything that gets a laugh and so you're making me think something i've never thought before which was there was a little bit of seed of uh comedy another good title there was a little bit of seed of comedy way back then i hadn't realized that what i was um responding to what the audience were responding is when you were being funny and then you realize you can make people laugh just by physical comedy or by doing voices yeah no i mean for me like i i always enjoyed acting but acting well is what let me know that stand-up comedy was

absolutely what this is my passion this is all i want to do and that's why i find it so easy uh to turn down the very little acting work that is offered to me is because you know it's not your passion it wouldn't do it and i'm really bad at the rejection process i don't like rejection i don't get rejected on stage i never get rejected on stage i'm in utter fucking on stage. I'm in utter fucking control. And even if my audience dares to reject me while I'm on stage, I can manufacture the fucking situation so that they, so I reject their fucking rejection.

It's a really powerful thing and I'm always in fucking control. So now when people are like, hey, do you want to come and act in this thing? I'm like, no, thank you. No, I don't want to be rejected. No. Can I ask you, Daniel Sloss, I've never really asked many comedians this, do you have the comedian's dream? I mean, people, actors always say the actor's dream.

I have this recurring dream where I am rejected, where I'm in the middle of a gig. It's just your little anxiety. I'm on stage, and I don't know if this has ended or not, and neither do the audience, and they slowly dwindle off and two people go four people go, I'm still talking

I'm still doing the thing, I still think it's working but there's hardly anyone there now this is in my dream, it's a horrible nightmare and then I'm left and there's maybe four people and then I stop doing the comedy and I go, should we just leave? It's just awful. It's awful. And they're going through to another room where

someone else is being really funny. It's an awful, and I wake up going, oh my God, thank God that's not true. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. And it's like the actors dream, you know, the actors always have a dream that they're on stage and someone's drafted them in the last minute to replace someone and said it's fine everyone is just around the line but you just go on

with the script and you would never want to be that guy who walks on and goes but that is awful what has happened in these circumstances and then everyone else

knows it so it's a similar kind of you must have an anxiety I have the other one is I'm about to go on stage and my kilt is at home and I've asked if all the audience could be

held while I go for an hour and a half on a bus home to get this kilt and they have to be held there and I cannot get back to the gig fast enough I have those ones which is I am trying to get to a very

important career changing gig. And just every single step of the way, somebody fucks it up or something is fucked up. Like the, well, and because it's my dreams halfway through, I forget how to fly.

So I now have to take the bus and I hate buses. So the bus is the only thing that actually works. They can get me there. And the one thing I fucking hate about buses is they're not fucking direct. And I'm just on this bus trying to get to this gig that's going to change my life. And the bus does what buses in Fife do, which is take the longest fucking route physically possible. It's a lot of people to pick up.

Oh, and to drop off. And yes, be not so much, not so much like my audience reject me on stage anxiety, but like I'm going to lose an opportunity through being late, which is my least favourite thing in the world. And it's quite ridiculous in your head. It's stupid. Now, speaking of ridiculous,

I've never told anyone that I can fly too in my dreams. Now, my security is how you fly because I have a very specific way of flying in my dreams. So here's where my anxiety comes in with my flying dreams. Sometimes I work out it's a dream, right? And I can fly and I'm like, this is excellent. And that's fun because you can just fly anywhere. But it feels like you can fly, doesn't it?

Man, you are flying. Mine is more like it's a will thing. Like I will myself in a direction. That's exactly why. It's very similar. But the scary thing is sometimes it stops and I get slowly taken up and up and up and I'm getting further and further away from the ground

and no matter how much I will myself back to the ground. Oh, that's never happened to me. Someone can analyse this. Mine is similar. I have to lean forward, but I have to concentrate. Yes. And if i get too excited my feet hit the ground again and then and my self is going you're getting too excited

so i go okay don't get too excited so i concentrate and then i elevate initially so i lean forward and my legs come and i i inside i'm going oh my god my legs have just come off the ground and then i can go oh my god i can actually fly just come off the ground. And then I can go, oh my God, I can actually fly. And I'm only sometimes at the height of a room. And then I want to find someone to show that I can fly. And I have done it in front of people in my dreams. And then occasionally I've actually flown down a whole avenue in a city. And it's the most amazing feeling because you really believe you can do it.

It's ridiculous. Yeah. I always get like, sometimes in my dreams where I can fly, I'm being chased by someone or I'm in trouble for something I didn't fucking do. It's always, that's always my fears. I'm being blamed for something that wasn't my fault. And they'll chase me to the top of the buildings in New York. And I'll remember, I'll know that I have the ability to fly.

Oh God. But it's that thing of like, you have to like jump off the edge and just like will you. I don't think I'll know that I have the ability to fly. Oh, God. But it's that thing of, like, you have to, like, jump off a bridge and just, like, will you? I don't think I could do it in that circumstance. Oh, man, I feel like fucking Neo in the Matrix. It's real, real rough. Did you ever do a gig in Kuala Lumpur? Yes, we did the gig in Kuala Lumpur. No, I know, but, I mean, did you do the one?

I know we did, but what? So we did in that torrential rainstorm where they introduced you as, ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome Daniel Sloss. No, but as they said, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome he's young he's hung and he's full of cum it's daniel's and i couldn't believe it i was like that guy did not just introduce daniel like that and then he said with me he went he's in a kilt rubbish and what was really funny was they wrapped us on I remember that

the guy went can't believe they come all this way they flew on a plane oh god what is MSK I was like what's he doing

it was the most bizarre thing ever but no I knew you went to Kuala Lumpur but what I meant to ask you was maybe this was a corporate gig I did in Kuala Lumpur because I used to host

the Highland Games which I'm actually now doing again in September Yeah, bizarrely But anyway, they have this helipad Which closes at four and becomes a bar And that bar is a helipad with no border This is not a joke And I was on that helipad

Wait, no safety? It's the most terrifying thing And the urge to run and jump is huge. And I remember thinking, why is there no fence? And they were like, well, there's none. So I don't know whether, you couldn't go over the edge to look,

but I don't know whether there was something a wee bit. But it's the most awful thing I've ever, the sensation I've ever had. But the awful... I got compelled but I kept on thinking like you know there's a part of you going what would it be like if you ran

and then I thought on the way down they'd go like after I died they'd be like oh you must have been really sad no I wasn't sad I was just curious but you can't tell anyone that I would never jump off a building by the way That could be the name of your autobiography I wasn't sad I was curious

I would read that We're going to wrap up We've done an hour I haven't even brought up gardening No but look next time Kai's away We'll have you back I have a list as long as my arm You can fill in for Kai as often as you like oh there's another title what's your what's your tiktok it's mr craig hill

comedian mr craig hill comedian so any of our i think it's craig hill comedian not mr craig hill just craig hill comedian i mean keep it simple oh yeah well there you go yeah why not you're very welcome it was so much fun i love it know, I'm going to find footage of everything now. Do it. Do it. This might even make it. Stick it on. Even this.

The dregs. Excuse me. you