Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.38: Stag Don’t

Episode Date: July 5, 2023

Muggins and Cream return from a turbulent expedition to Benidorm with an army of Geordies. Not so fresh from the Pincer Stag do the boys unpack how Kai's foolproof plans backfired so catastrophically. This episode was originally scheduled as a Patreon Bonus episode but the episode we recorded afterwards for public consumption wouldn't make a great deal sense without the context of this one as it kinda plays out as a Part 2. That episode is now available on Patreon. "Chia Bae" feat. Ryan Cullen.

Hello, fuckers, welcome to another episode of Slots and Humphreys on the Road, where we are briefly reunited for one episode to talk about the aftermath and stories from Matthew Cannon, the Pinsir's stag do. I am going to be away for a week to go on another holiday, but Kai will be filling in, and then I think in like... You've got two episodes without me, and then after that, I think it adds together for two weeks, and then we've got Canada. Still me. And then after that, I think it's us together for two weeks. And then we've got Canada.

Still tickets available for some of those dates. And then Edinburgh. So yeah, thank you for still subscribing and paying attention during these weeks of it's not being us. It is us now. It won't be us next week. Blah. Enjoy the podcast. Sloss and Humphreys on the road.

Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. You got balloon hands. kiss or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? You got a balloon hand? It does, that one looks bigger than... Aye, that's went chubby that, that's swelled up. Aye. Is it because you've been fucking around with it like that and what were you doing with it before? What do you mean? You were doing something? Oh no, I was cauterising that, the way to get rid of if you get any sort of bug bites that leave you with itches, it's because it's the open wood way to get rid of, if you get any sort of bug bites that leave you with itches, it's because it's the open wood reacting to the air.

So if you heat up a teaspoon under hot water, not boiling water, because that leaves scars, and then put it on that, it stops the... Yeah, I didn't get that memory when I first set the gum shield for rugby. Hot water under boiling water, straight into the fucking kettle.

Popped it in, popped it in, me gums were bleeding. I fucking bet. It was shite. Absolutely shite. Fucking playing rugby with gums bleeding. I, um...

And then I just fucking scratched myself consistently. I've got to say, I am very glad that I am in a secure relationship with someone who is not paranoid at all because I don't think I could live in any other fucking relationship man I cannot express to you how many random bruises I end up with

on my body just throughout my life no idea how they happened and also don't really care like somebody would be like how did you do that and I'm like well I've just noticed so it's not bothering me now I've not really thought about it and I'm not I'm not going to work man I scratch myself all the time

Because You just come back with scratch marks on you I had I had something on my back And I was like What's that on your back And I just went I want to show her

Like you know You know what you know You've done fuck all No What is it What could it be It looked like a footprint Can you remember my back being stamped on

I've got a footprint on my back I had I don't know There's still They are I like that I've got them That's from the

It's from the chair from the fucking chair we were sat on on the last date it just had holes in it that was all sunburned through the holes no not sunburned

just sitting on it just cheap shitty lying there for a long time putting a lot of pressure on sort of stuff it was that aye I came back with

you know you've had a good time when you're like can you remember anyone stamping on my back because I've got a footprint on my back I came back've got a footprint on my back. I came back from Bulgaria and Romania and had literally three claw marks just across there

because I fucking... Because I was even backstage going, sorry, mate. Are you fucking joking, mate? I just grimmed on your eye. It's a matter of weight. Rancid fuck. I kind of went, what was that? And I'm like, man, I don't knowid fuck. I kind of went, what was that?

And I'm like, man, I don't know. Like, what does it look like? It's a scratch. How did it happen? I scratched myself at some point. So I was in for a meeting,

I was kind of, that does look bad. It does. And I was sitting there, but again, thankfully, because, man, shut was off.

I was like, have you seen this? And she was like, and her first words were, so you scratched yourself when you were sleeping. I'm like have you seen this and she was like and her first words were is that you scratch yourself when you're asleep I'm like I assume so

otherwise fuck me am I brazen I did have a girlfriend when where this comes from where's my fucking paranoia comes from is when I became

a paintball referee I don't know if you've been hit by a paintball but hickey kind of looks like a fucking hickey and I got one

on my neck because that's you've got your mask there your suit there got me fucking there now fair enough fair enough you're a 15 16 year old girl um you're from fife so probably don't have a positive relationship in your life to example itself on you know you a lot of people just repeat the behaviors of their parents if your dad was shit to your parents always give me hickeys you know i'm dad. Oh, but I mean like the jealousy sort of thing. If your dad's a jealous person or your mum's a jealous person, chances are you're a jealous person or worried about it.

I got this fucking paintball on the neck. And she was like, that could be a hickey. I'm like, you know what? It could be a hickey, right? But here's my evidence against it being a hickey. There's one there. There's one there. There's one on my ankle. There's three in a small portion of my fucking back it being a hickey. There's one there. There's one there. There's one on my ankle.

There's three in a small portion of my fucking back. This makes it worse. Hickey everywhere. I fucking, this is a shy thing to do this, there's a lad at work who put shampoo in my sandwich and I started eating it from the other end so I got aloe at the end of my sandwich

doing the hash fucking, as I'm eating shampoo in my sandwich. And he other end so I got aloe at the end of my sandwich doing the hash fucking as I'm eating shampoo in my sandwich and he's like I got you so that doesn't feel like a prank huh

that doesn't feel like it was my supervisor now elder statesman that's not that's not a prank oh man but we did shit all the time

that was the culture like I used to do that thing I tell you I don't know where you put like an egg yeah eggs are edible it's fair enough man I put bleach in his tea like there's a Like, I used to do that thing I tell you, but I don't know why you put, like, an egg. Yeah, eggs are edible.

It's fair enough. Man, I put bleach in his tea. Like, there's a... I was fine. I was arid. I watched me move through it. I got to be sick a couple of times. It was grand. But I was like, all right, I'm next.

It's my turn next. And I'm cleaning out the lockers, and I fund a pair of knickers. I'd been left behind in the changing room to the swimming pool, and I put the knickers in his bag, and I found a pair of neck eyes that had been left behind in the changing room to the swimming pool. And I put the lock, I put the neck eyes in his bag.

And his wife does his packed lunch and all that and sets his bag up for work and fucking caused ructions in the house. And he had no idea

it was me. He didn't even have an excuse. He was like, who's got these fucking neck eyes? But it's just like, it could be anyone. It could be fucking anyone.

I don't know how many people sandwich I've put shampoo in it could be anyone's they find the sword but I do you think if you're stable enough like if you've got a knickers in your bag

because it'd still be like you know if your wife got through your bag and she found some knickers it'd still be like well I look guilty well man if I came back from tour and there was knickers in my bag i would also be as confused as gara yeah i'd love

to get to the bottom of this all right and if you've done it because if i'm getting in trouble for doing that i want i want at least to have done it all right i want to have done that i want to have done the fucking crime imagine getting done for cheating and you hadn't even been laid like you hadn't gotten anywhere like fuck I just got the worst bit of the thing no I would be annoyed at the accusation I'm like why on earth do you

why do you think I cheated fair enough but you do understand how that sounds like gaslighting if the phone goes in your bag yeah absolutely I'm like I understand the underwear in the bag looks like I'm cheating, right? Can you give me any other, like, why? I don't know.

Just for being a little man, I've lived my fucking life. I think there'd be a certain bulletproofness to be as well. I reckon I'd feel bulletproof still. There'd be a little bit like, my response would be like, I can see how this looks bad. Like, you know when I got me Naughty Boy's tattoo and Natalie was like,

is the ex-girlfriend's initials not NB? And I'm like, well, that's not why I did it. Aye, aye. Like, we're gone. But, aye. Well, it's because I'd be the same. I think Cara could come back from a seven day fucking

hen do somewhere in the world having not been in contact with me at all and she could come back and I'd be like how was it

she could be like I don't want to talk about it and I'd be like aye aye trust you baby it's your hen do you're all good

secret safe with everyone because you're not tired of it aye talk to all the other girls none of them were saying anything they were like man it sounds like you guys got given some dodgy ecstasy

it's like they've been to NAMM if you want to ask any further if you want to tell me any further information I'm not going to receive any further fucking information we've just we've just come back

from Stag do I'm I'm in a daze mate like I've luckily avoided like like, any big headaches. It was last night I started, like, I've been coughing, I've been vaping a lot, so, like, I'm coming off it now, so my lungs are trying to claim themselves back,

so I'm hacking up, and, like, it's getting to the point where, like, if I cough too much, I get a headache. So now I'm just, like, stifling coughs so I don't get a headache. So I'm just, like, I'm not in a great place, but I deserve to be worse. I was in bed pre-midnight, the first two nights. You took one look at the strip every time you came to the strip and went, not for me. Not for me, man.

No judgment on anyone else that fucking goes there, if that's how you find enjoyment and you can find joy from it. You had your moment in time where you've been in bed on the strip and you went back for more. Yeah, and I went back and went, oh, man, I have outgrown this so fucking much that I'm not even going to step a foot inside of it. And all the while, still one of the youngest people there.

Aye. It's quite an elderly... Like, it's either... It's like one of two things. You can't end of a place that's jumping and feel like you've come to pick your child up. Or things you can end of a place like that's jumping and feel like you've come to pick your child up are you going into another place like you're looking to bring your dad home yeah like like it's skipped our generation almost it's um it's so hard to not i'm gonna try

my best not to fucking judge people um that go there because at the end of the day like you know cost of living crisis, it's an affordable holiday for a lot of families it's value for money I imagine, for them it's just the sun, I mean if you're over there with your family you're not going down to the fucking strip or whatever I'm trying my fucking hardest

to not, I'm like look there's just different people who live a different life, this is their version of fun and also you're having fun here as well so don't pretend that you're above it and that's fine then every time i walk down the strip i'm like i am so fucking far above this all oh yeah it's scuzzy it's like it's like absolute dregs oh regs of society and i think that's what's funny about it it's like there's this fucking it's this pit it's this pit where you're like fucking anything goes. Nothing will shock you.

Like you saw somebody crash their mobility scooter, topple off, man with one leg lying on the floor, both of them drunk, him and his mate, because it was a double, wasn't it? Both of them fucking. I don't think it was a double. I think the guy who had both legs said to his friend who had one leg, can I drive your mobility scooter? And he was like, well, obviously I can't go anywhere,

so I have to sit on your knee and then they rammed around a fucking lamppost because I already saw it on the floor no no they rammed around a lamppost and 100

120 people within 50 feet not a single person ran over just phones out filming the whole thing and I'm like are we are we still

are we still calling this humanity are we still like at this at this time in the morning At this part of the world Are we calling what's taking place Humanity? Imagine when it's like

Being from there Being from there and having that Version I can see why they hate I can see again I can see why the Spanish hate the Brits. Like, I get it. But you also hate them because they assume you to be one of them.

Yeah, oh man, it's racism versus racism. And every time we respond to each other with just further racism. And I've done a lot of growing in my life. I've done a lot of growing in the past couple of weeks. I watched a bunch of stuff about North Korea. I updated my opinion on that. I acknowledged to Matthew

that probably I was sucked in by a lot of Western media stuff because it was a more nuanced thing than it just being like black and white. They are all stupid. They are all this. It's a bit more into that

and I was ignorant of that and I acknowledge it and I'll do some more learning about that. That being said, fuck every Spanish person to it and I'll do some more learning about that. That being said, fuck every Spanish person to hell. I'll never outgrow it. No. There was one bit where I went to a restaurant of my own, right?

I was just saying, everyone's going for dinner after, before going out, but I'm going to go and have a food now and have a nap. I'm just going to have my own little fucking adventure. And I went and i took his ages to get someone's attention asked for a menu they brought us a menu asked for an english they brought us an english and it took us a while to get where i am right but i've chose what i wanted to eat i closed the menu i'm looking around there's more staff than customers but like i'm trying to get

someone's attention someone comes over and i'm like can i have that one please pointed at it because the english menu i don't know how good their English are, so I give them like the fucking, and they just went, the kitchen's closed. I was like, why did he give us this? Why did we have that transaction? Do you think I'm searching this for tomorrow? Like I'm just sitting doing a perusing? I just wanted something to read.

Man, there's no... They hate us, and they've got every right to hate us. Of course, because we send them our worst. And also, Brits are, I can't remember who I was talking about the whole day, so hard to work out whether, who's the worst tourist? Is it Brits or is it Americans?

Americans seem a bit more eager to learn. Nope, that's, I straight off the bat disagree. Nothing tourists. American tourists, not in America, But if they've come to Europe They're inquisitive They want to see things They don't just want to come to Europe

And fucking hit the strip Right? I feel like inquisitive Is such a strong word For such a Basic people Like I is such a strong word for such a basic people. Like, I... I think they're more...

I think American tourists are more malevolent. I don't think all the fights that are breaking out in Spain on iTunes are Americans. Yeah, yeah. I think they're Brits. I think we do more Property damage Aye Americans

Americans They're annoying Americans are keeping their worst Like I think all the worst Americans All the worst Americans Don't have passports Yeah And they stay in the fucking

All the worst Brits Have passports And they all Only go to Spain and Poland Aye So I'd managed to keep it quiet

that we're going to Benidorm for the longest time even on the podcast because I

know Matty sometimes tunes in we're talking about going to Southampton because I was just like

oh nobody quite fancies the cost of living and all that so I had him on that like

nobody's coming anytime he asked about an individual person I was like oh I've got

the kids like this is happening oh no he's got another person doing the same week

so like every person was like Every time He asked anybody They were like Oh no I'm not spending that To go out to Southampton

So like I managed to make him think Like he obviously knew People were coming And he obviously knew We weren't going to Southampton But I managed to just keep that As the party line

For everybody Until I'm I'm watching JFK At his house Like Because i was at manchester for the weekend working up to the sunday and then flying on the wednesday i had two days off it was so pointless going back to glasgow and then back to manchester the next day two travel days just for the sake of one night in my own bed so i just stayed right through it in them days i watched a bunch of films i'm watching jfk and matt he's just like comes to join us he wasn't even watching it and um i take a hit i take

a hit of my vape and it fucking starts blinking and i just say um my vape's wrong and i'm gonna need another vape before ben at home and i didn't even hear myself say it the day before fly i didn't even hear the words come out of my mouth and i just carry on watching the film and every 10 minutes later i'm not even exaggerating it would tell me i just went before where i was like i managed to hold on to it for about a year because uh because this is the thing as well we've done a trip to vegas for you right ben and domes always going to be underwhelming We'd done a trip to Vegas, right? Benidorm's always going to be underwhelming, right? It's always going to be underwhelming.

But with you, you paid for everybody. So I was going to be able to get everybody that you wanted to come there. There was no worry about that. What I had to do is find a place that was affordable for everybody, but I could still, in that price range, get him a nice hotel. So he's in a decent hotel because we've all never stayed in crackdowns uh in benidorm before aye and it was quite nice on it the hotel that we're in right so i needed to just get this perfect balance of like all the people that he wants to come kind of for it but we're still somewhere nice and central and in the middle so to do that

benidorm was a shout i think like when i was looking at other places like fucking places in portugal and stuff it was just a bit pricey had to be there it would be a little bit out of town it would be somewhere scuzzier and um and i was just trying to find somewhere near a golf course as well but i thought right it's like to get in from a vegas stack to a benidorm stack it's gonna be brutal right but if I make on that we're not leaving the UK and that hardly anybody's coming and I like make this underwhelming thing

and then all of a sudden he's in Europe he's in Spain it's nice and sunny Ali's mates are there I thought just like pull it back and then push it forward

would be like a good way of making it look good and then he totally started falling for it that new one was coming it was like like Benidorm, even before I said Benidorm, I was like, oh, can you believe Benidorm's just joined the EU

and we need to go and get Euros for the trip? Like, I was like, you knew it was going to be overseas, right? But we get there and we get to the airport. Rickards turns up at his house. We get to the airport. Demas turns up at the airport. So it's that thing where people are starting to gather on and then we just carry on the party lane that new one's coming and then we get um we start going should we just have a cup of tea or

something because we just want it like matt he's like just want a casual one and you could tell he was just like when's it gonna start and then he ordered the beers he was like we'll get a beer because i'm like if he's drinking it's gonna be on his terms and um and then the ordered the beers. He was like, we'll get a beer because I'm like, if he's drinking, it's going to be on his terms. And then the flight was dry and I got him a cup of tea and then we get to the strip and every bar we'll go to, he thinks this is where the lads are going to be.

Was your flight dry because people on it were? People were dicks. I've now, I would love to get it put through. And I know this is an insane amount of power to give people but I think they deserve it I think air stewards should be allowed to confiscate and shred

passports just leave them there I think walk down the fucking flight and people are being fucking shit and they're drinking too much and you're like, oh yeah, they're like, will you get another bottle of vodka?

You're like, absolutely, can I just ID you? Sorry, thank you very much. You know how you get points on your driving licence? Aye.

Like, how's that not a system? How do you not just get points on your passport like that and just give it away like... Just, just, no,

no, no, too much, just, because then people, then people can dispute the points, then people can argue, you can't argue against

a fucking threat, it's gone, man, you can be as angry as you fucking against a fucking threat. It's gone, man. You can be as angry as you fucking like. It's all over. Like, you know. And once you get there, congratulations. Your problem is to now work out how the fuck.

Where's the embassy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, and also you'll be able to leave fine. I don't think countries are ever. I don't think Spain would be like, well, we can't let you leave, Mr. British person. I guess you have to stay here forever. They're like, man, we'll fucking stick you over on one of them migrant boats.

Start launching fucking rocks at it as well. Aye, that would be some good retribution because that'll be the cunts. That'll be the same cunts that dehumanise them. So kind of the whole idea was to just underwhelm them with the first night that there's nobody coming but then Ricketts just broke rank. Ricketts was like like get the shots in

let's have some sambuca's and stuff I ended up spewing in my mouth didn't have anywhere to put it oh the worst full on

swallowed the spew and then had to fucking tip my pint glass and spew in that where were you at this point I was at Red Lion

on the strip but what was good because i was just like i found ricketts i was like what you're breaking rank for a moment underwhelming the whole point is to just like this just isn't fair and like you know like damp squib like trying to fucking light a wet firework uh this is not good but actually when ricketts did that it looked like he was trying to do something to give the stag a bit of something and it actually looked really like in retrospect

it looked really authentic that Ricketts just went right I'll grab this by the bowels these lads are because I was letting Matty drive so you know

all the pace we were going at was all Matty's decision so like the pace was at his pace Matty's a financial advisor except when he's drinking and then

he works for the NHS because you've never seen somebody nurse a pint back to health. Aye, Matt Nurse Aye, it's pretty fucking Yeah, he just likes it warm. He likes a warm pint. He likes to sit and spurn and just let his pint boil

Aye, get it there, throw it down his neck. So, erm So we end up having a good night. We get in about like 3-4 o'clock in the morning and we've checked into a hotel the hotel's nice we're there and he's in bed and nobody's turned up yet and then we get up and we're going for breakfast

in the hotel and nobody's down in the lobby and it's just like at this point he's fucking hook, line and sinker but it's just me, Demus and Rick it's only Stag and we say right we've had breakfast. Let's go and get our shorts on

and let's go and lounge by the pool. And we go and lounge by the pool. And it's like, this was the moment where Matty should have been careful of what he wished for. Because he was having a much better time before everybody turned up. But you turned up.

That was a master stroke when he turned up. Because you turned up with Elliot was a masterstroke when he turned up, because you turned up with Elliot, and the lad he worked with. You just had the early flights. Yes, and I did a... I made sure... Fuck, I could have murdered fucking Elliot. Just so used to travelling with you. We're on a different flight. We get off the flight, two Rangers fans were arrested on my

flight, because I know you're meant to say that all old farm fans are as bad as each other, but statistically that's incorrect me Elliot after fucking customs which wasn't too bad I've got my bag, my other friend Mark comes along, he's got his bag and Elliot goes

oh just got away the carousel for mine, checked mine in for three fucking days in a fucking hot country where you're not fucking snowboarding and small enough to not check in. Over headlock, I suppose. Oh, oh. He's like, I've been hurt before.

And I'm like, oh, you're trusting Spanish ground staff to show. And sure enough, we were there for an extra fucking 45 minutes. And then in the taxi on the way back, I'm like, look, I'm like, just let me go in because I'll tell Matty that, you know, Kai was telling me how bad it was. I flew in'm like just let me go in because i'll tell matty that you know kai was

telling me how bad it was i flew in last minute i can go in it's you know believable that i turned up fucking last minute and we have to and he looks like i'll just wait in the bar and i'm like mate i love you but you have zero volume control none none none at all and you can totally tell his voice oh it's so distinguishable It starts and ends with bruff. And I'd say there's someone who has a very notable carrying voice. My friends in high school used to always say they used to be able to hear me coming before they saw me because my deep, resonant voice would fucking carry around

corners and whatnot. So that's why if I was in the corner, I'd shut my fucking mouth. Elliot, very distinctive laugh. So you come out on your own and uh and matty was like fucking the relief that people are turning up the relief that somebody's here because he'd he'd resigned at this point would because that was the thing we booked everybody for first day but like we purposefully booked on wednesday the other day there's to underwhelm them

and uh and like it only works if you commit enough for it to work and then you come in and just go Kai was texting last night it's a disaster

he keeps looking running for the lads he's absolutely devastated somebody has to get here you're the only person I can think of that would just put money down on it last minute

like can you get like just for me best friend card and he totally fucking played him it was like he fell for it and then he was chuffed you were there but also

just like it added authenticity to the lie all right and then obviously people start turning up Elliot and Mark come in after a pint and then there's like a massive group come in on the early flight and what was good is like a couple of people who like one of them's the groom one of them's a groomsman like an OSHA Brucey and he wasn't on a later flight because one of them's the groom one of them's a groomsman like an osha brucey um he wasn't on a later flight because one of the lads who organized it just like went for false economy cheapness you know and you're like right we'll get that flight uh because it's 20 quid cheaper and it's like nine at night instead of two in the afternoon you save like 20 quid but obviously the taxi markup is different at that time of night and you end up spending more and having less time on your holidays so

like the money that you made to save you could have had more holiday for so like the rest of the lads on that flight were like why do we let him book it why do it like Natalie West jet and so like there was actually was like waves of like people getting added on and then Cullen come the next morning. So I was just like, proper anticlimax. So what I set up today for him, we'll talk, we'll talk about how I set it up and then we'll talk about how it went.

This is how I set it up. Right. I got these, these cards made hundreds of them. Right. They're all, they're called pincer pounds. If people are watching the thing,

they're like, um, room key hotel cards fit in your wallet and um what i did is i put a drinks voucher worth two pounds and a shot voucher worth three pounds because when i matty likes to nurse his paint right and we can't we can't give him the same stag as me where you chose my drinks he has your whiskey and soup he has your fucking vodka and chilli

like you're just putting stuff in front of us and my whole thing to that was to be blasé spew on me feet fucking

keep moving forward I didn't know Cam was in charge of your drinks when you were yeah was it not Colin it might have been

Cam and Colin might have been a team one of them was on food and one of them was on drinks and they kept merging them. They kept putting alcohol in my

meals and shit like that. I kind of mind most of them. But it was non-optional but in my clothes, you had someone

on my clothes didn't you? So someone was putting us in outfits all the time, someone was doing my hair all the time, someone

was my PT instructor, Elliot was dropping 50 burpees in the middle of a night out and heat of heat of spain and that so like i i just forgot i got all this was happening and i just rolled with it and i was like wait that would that would murder maddie like that wouldn't be fun if we just like for like so i made it so that he could optionally have his own drinks he could actually go through the holiday and have zero drinks because everybody's got a shot and everybody's got a drink and the way it works is when you want to drink you come up and you go daddy hey you got

a drink card can't get us a drink you're in the strip you're on a nightclub you never have to go into the bar you never have to buy your own drink you just have to get up and ask somebody so basically works out as you've got five shots a day four days 20 people five shots a day five beers a day it's a decent amount to drink if you're gonna want any more you're gonna need your wallet all right and to get your wallet you need to save up enough money to buy it i'll get on to that in a second and so let's let's just do that right there's money on the back of these cards and every time you get a drink you get a shot and i'll get onto the dares in a minute you get money and i've got a menu of like uh yeah t-shirts are 15 pound your toiletries are 10 pound and um yeah tree and i's are 20 pound if you want your phone, it's 150, you know,

because like if you want your wallet, it's 50 because then you can start like fucking claiming back a little bit of autonomy if you do that. But as it stands, you have to do a couple of dares to get to that position. So I give everybody five optional dares. Like here's one. They're really achievable dares.

Line up all the lads and put them in order of who you find the most attractive to the least and I made hundreds of these dares and give everyone like five each

all optional all worth a fiver so basically if you want your contact lenses because I put stuff in that he needed he needed his contact lenses

he needed his retainers right but basically one of them will be like running to the sea you're on holiday you're going to do that anyway right get at the sea come back get your thing right and um some of them were a little bit more difficult so if you wanted everything back

you had to jump through some hoops right some of them were like if like if i'd done this to you you would have went through them and you were like i'll do that one i'll do that one i'll do that one i'm not gonna shoplift i'm on hold i'm not gonna end up in spanish prison i'm not doing that you may as well chuck that in the bin, right? Whereas like some of the lads like would have just went and shoplifted easy, but they probably wouldn't have gotten a cock out. You know, like that one's get your cock out. Show me your cock.

So he'd done that one. Like someone gave him that one. Show me your cock. And he showed him at the bar. And then you had, everybody had a forced dare that he had to do. Otherwise he gets bankrupt and gets his money taken off them. So you had the forced dare, do that dare again. And as soon as he put his cock away, he ran up and went, do that dare again.

So now he showed the guys his cock. He's done it again. He's got 10 pound. You've got your toothpaste. Boom. That's the game. In theory, class game. A little bit of humiliation.

A little bit of fatigue because, a little bit of fatigue because there's stuff in there like do 20 press-ups. Have a sprint against one of the lads and win. So you've got to choose who you think you'll win against. In theory,

this is like, there's one more element. Everybody wanted to dress him up. What we're going to dress him as. I was like right I'll factor this in let's put in every room there's four rooms of five, every room

has a wear my rooms outfit for two hours card and they got to choose what the outfit is so like at golf he was just in this little skirt with a fucking pink coloured thing and one of the lads ac roedd yn rhaid iddynt ddewis beth yw'r cerdd. Felly roedd yn golffio yn y sgwrt bach bach o ffync. Roedd un o'r dynion wedi cael rhyw ffyrdd o mancyni, ac un arall wedi ei ddresu fel Jimmy Savile. Ond roedd y cerdd hon yn ddewis fy ngwlad i fyny am ddwy awr,

yn hytrach na fy 24 awr o ddresu'n ffordd yr hoffech chi ei ddresu. Gallai ei ddresu'n ffordd yr hoffech chi ei ddresu am 22 awr y dydd, ond i ddresu fel hyn am ddwy awr. of dressing however he wanted to dress us he could dress how he wanted for 22 hours in a day but dress like that for two hours that was the stipulations of the whole thing you can get as drunk as you want you can wear as many clothes as you want you can get as dressed as you want you can have as many toilets as you want there's just a few hoops to jump from and a little bit of humiliation where did it all go wrong he gave machine guns to savages and then did absolutely nothing to remedy it there hold on let's go through how it went

so I've got the list of theirs here let's go through the list of theirs and see the ones he did and the ones he didn't do this is like people going through the chemicals in in vaccines, being like, this is lethal, this is lethal, this is lethal. And you go, ah, but it's how you use them together.

But in the reverse of that. But this is the thing. He could have used them at his own pace, however he wanted. It's the most toxic snack do I've ever been on. There was a fucking second fucking second There were four different groups Of people from different fucking parts of society Like a couple of comedians A couple of sound jordies

A couple of reprobates Because this was the thing A couple of his mates He had to send us the number to invite I was so bored Talking to one lad in particular where he was going, I've given him the drink

and he's not doing it. And I'm like, because that's not the game. Why are you not listening? I've told you a hundred times. Like, he comes to you and asks you for the drink

and you're like, well, that's fucking shite. We're not even getting him drunk. You're getting easy on him. And I'm like, no, like,

I'm, you're narrow minded. You've got it in your head that a stag do is get the person as drunk as possible. Like, there's so many more ways. Like, there's a million different ways of him, like, getting embarrassed

or, like, getting, like, a good photo opportunity or the piss took good of him or putting him in a situation that he's uncomfortable with. Like, I've, like, fought on so many more levels than just your narrow-minded, monotone, fucking, let's get him really fucked up. Because at the end of the day, you know he's a lightweight as much as me, you just kind of put the cunt to bed, he's like, I'll shite that, and I'm just like, well, you can fuck it up if you want, like, if you want to fuck

up the economy and make them forced drinks, he'll be in bed, he'll have all his stuff back, and it'll be pointless, you've just made the whole thing pointless, so, and then there was a bit where, there's a bit where, was a bit where and this is Matty's poor decision making he'd he just had what did he have

like a chowder or something he had like a fish food dinner not the golf the you know the meal that we had in the Tiki Beach he had like a big

seafood dinner and then went for the dare card raced one of my friends and raced grassy and was hoeing up after that and he wasn't in a good way that's where the wheels went off the bus is where he started hoeing up after that and he wasn't in a good way that's where the

wheels went on the off the bus is where he started hoeing up after that run and he's like throwing up everywhere and it was getting to the point where he's like dry heaving and fucking this lad who we're talking about trying to fucking throw a shot in his face have that shot now cunt hoeing up he's like i but make him have a shot he's gonna have a shot now and he's doing that i was like do you want to kick his head in as well should we just fill him in do you want to get a pool ball in his sock and just fucking do you think

Crassie did kick him when he was down did he actually did Crassie kick him I don't know if it was Crassie but one of them did but I

he just after I spewed up there he just like he went to bed and then like he come back with a shell of a man and didn't like

he didn't want any interest in the days. I'd get his stuff back. He was just sad. He was just deeply sad. He went to bed early. I took him to bed before the night really started. Then I was like, he can't have been tapping out new.

What's he doing? What's he doing? He ended up, because I got all the cards back, he'd done three drinks in three shots and he donned one of the drinks because that was one of the deck oh he does at least two he didn't have to right well because there was one i only put in down one drink and he put that in right yeah um he put his mates in order of who's the most or the least attractive. Got it very wrong. He showed his cock twice. Right? He acquired some knickers.

There was an acquirer of knickers there. And there was this old woman next to him. She was like, can you help us with any of these dares? And she went and took her knickers off

and brought them back and put them on his head. They were sitting under the table for 10 minutes. There was a wild card, which everybody had a wild card where they can choose their own dare

and if he accepts it, they can dare. Beat Scotty Day in a punch bag machine. Right? And then there was... A wild card, which everybody had a wild card where they can choose their own day and if he accepts it, they can day it. Beat Scotty Day in a punch bag machine. Right? And then there was... Order food in a Spanish accent. Order food in a Spanish accent. English in a Spanish accent, which is very funny.

The video for that's good. So he done them days, right? And then he raced against Grassi. And then he died for the rest of the halter. I didn't do enough to break him. Like, if that's him broken, blame the man, not the game. Blame the man, not the game, if that's why he breaks. Because at that point, everybody had drank more than him.

Like, but he fucking hated it, and it was really sad because we just had to go and unhaul them. We did them. He went to golf the next morning. I stayed up all that night, powered through, eight o'clock in the morning.

I wake you up for golf. We're going to get Matty, who's been in bed for eight hours, right? Shower him, take him to golf. And he was miserable as fuck all the way around that golf course.

And then as if he was doing his own dares, got his prawn salad. Oh, he did. That was an odd. Aye. And then, and then we get back was doing his own dares got his prawn salad oh he did that was an odd aye aye and then

and then we get back and he's like miserable so we're just going to go and get some sleep so he can come out tonight and then he comes out at night he gets asked to put on this mankini thing

fucking spits his tummy about that ends up going home early I think I think you're missing out the I mean there was a fucking portion

of that fucking stack of men that devoid of empathy not not choosing to there was a range you had

you had you who was fighting his corner legs of Brucey was just like the dares were by the standard of whoever did it one of his dares was piss off Scotty D

and another dare was slap a bald man on the head with a handful of mayonnaise and he was like two birds one stone got a handful of mayonnaise went up to Scotty D

with a tail slapped him on the head with mayonnaise and he got one of them but Scotty D wasn't pissed off enough for D Mr Garnet he didn't seriously

piss him off you're not getting this card so like somebody would have went aye that'll D he was pissed off I saw it in his card so like somebody would have went i that day he was pissed off i saw it in his eyes right like so there's a range of like whether he passes your challenge or not brucey would have just like a wild card i'll give you a fiver if you'd like hop on one leg for a second and then give him it so you're gonna get people that are like no you haven't

done it right and you're gonna get people that are just like fucking how am i to get all your stuff back i feel sorry for you So that was the whole point, is I knew there was going to be people that were tight and there was going to be people that were easy, but it all balances out. So for every person that's got his back, there's going to be someone that he's not good enough for. So I bear that in mind as well.

I'm sending tanks and medics to war. Aye, that's what you need. That's what you need, war. That's what you do, war. It doesn't have to be a war. Aye. war aye that's what you need that's what you need war it didn't have to be a war you could

have just not invaded the country should I have just took him on a golfing

holiday or should I have just let him off with everything you're being

very binary there was a middle ground which at no point nobody accepted I felt like the middle

ground was don't put him in outfits for 24 hours a day just put him in it for 22 hours a day right don't ply the drinks down him give him his options to have drinks um and as far as like the other days that went there were minor inconveniences you could have gotten all your stuff back with minor if he wanted his phone back he would have had to do some, like if you, because the phone was 150. If you wanted that back, it was going to have to be a couple of trickier dares. Like one of the dares that he did do, which was hilarious, because it was go and pet someone's dog and ask how old it is.

And when they tell you the age, go, ooh, hot. He'd done that when he was in his mankini. He was making it harder for himself And then after doing that Pick a lane after doing that Which was hilarious Hoofed that he had to wear it Which lane are you in?

He didn't have any other fucking options He'd taken everything away from him You backed him into a corner And there was no parachute There was no tap out button. I didn't have any of me clothes on me holder. I don't know why yous are so

against me drawing parallels with my stag, which he organised with you. How nude were you in any of your costumes? I've got a picture of his butt naked and covered in bruises. So that ended up happening.

But that was where we were. That was where we were staying in aises So that ended up happening But that was Where we were That was where we were Staying in a hill Where no one could see you So at no point Were you ever Ever publicly

Close to nude At any point I don't think so No I can guarantee Not even a little bit And also All of your costumes Weren't

A notorious Fucking pedophile It was just Hey Here's some jorts And some shoes That don't fit And a gross looking top

as opposed to jimmy samuel as well and making him set a fucking mankini in there kids this was another one where i was like oh that was uh i spotted that anyone else had spotted that i was on that point of route because he was like you have to put that on now the day i was there and that and you had to get the toilet to put it on and i was like man you can't whack the toilet and come back wearing that when there's kids having their dinner so i was like fucking gan gan put it on put your shorts on come back wear shorts on and sit dude he was at the opposite end of the bar at the opposite end of the table so i sit there with my shorts on and then when they're gone we can get on to the next bar and uh and it was like a balance because like some people were fucking ruthless man they were

like where you kind of bring your kids to Benidorm and expect not to see that and that was like a kind of common line between a few people and I was like oh you can tell the bad ones you can tell the bad

ones if you bring your kids to Benidorm they deserve to see this shit I don't think that's much of an argument man

but it was the same bar where you made him get his cock out again this is look when he got his cock out it was beside a fucking thing with the guy with his mate Gary he it was beside a fucking thing with the guy,

with his mate Gary. He wasn't on a fucking table. It wasn't fucking publicly. It was done in a very fucking private way because that's the type of person I am. You can try and draw the parallels to defend yourself and fair enough, you're allowed to do that. I'm not accepting it.

No, but as far as that family were concerned, he was a man with braces. He had braces on. Everything was under the table. He was there and then they left and it was fine. So like I didn't think that was a thing. But he wasn't bothered about that either, like he wasn't arguing that point, I'm not doing that in front of kids. He wasn't arguing anything because he felt he wasn't in a position where he could argue against anything. Like you sit there and be like he's taking it, I'm like he's taking

it because there's no other options available to him. I think... I don't think he... I think he should have been still out. He should have still been coming out. I wouldn't know. I was in bed every night, pre-midnight, the way God designed me to be.

Fair enough. He's got his he's got his feeling I fucked it up but I think I got that right it's like I think you missed the fucking tour on day two was the wrong decision you know what I feel like if I had taken that approach to me and I could have made

all your efforts worthless I could have made your efforts worthless imagine like I love my stag so I'm not going to pick it to bits, right? But you know, if I had that headspace that he had, if I had that,

I'd be like, in the middle of July, two back-to-back stag dudes with a gap in the middle of three days where I'm meant to be writing a French show, you fucked up me work.

Like, I didn't do that. I just worked around it. I could have went like, you took me phone office for a week when I've got a fucking lass at home

that's wondering where I am are you suggesting that we know your limits and you don't know his I didn't do that man if I'm guilty of misjudging his limits

by taking his doing to 10% of mine then what's he doing asking us to be best man what don't get me wrong I'm sorry I do think he regrets it I'm sorry

I had a bad time I'm sorry I had a bad time but I'm fucking gutted the amount time. I'm sorry he had a bad time, but I'm fucking gutted the amount of time and money and effort and like, just the amount, like I'm always away from me wife. Always, always away from me wife.

And not only did I like spend an extra weekend that I had off, not in and away from me wife for his stag, but I stayed at his for the extra couple of days so I could fly with him from me gigs in Manchester. I just spent two weeks away from me wife and I've just come back from Australia to just go and like, you've fucked up me stag.

I don't know if it's me that fucked up making it off, it's him that's just lightweight and ungrateful. We need double standards, massive double standards. But that's my defence but I had a belt of time I feel I mean I still feel

fucking well rested everyone else had a good time like everyone had a lovely time I had two lovely times in the airport

that was that was a potential car crash oh I've no idea why you did it Like eh So I God The last time I'd done Ecstasy

Or MDMA Must have been 2016 17 Like I don't even think I did them on Your stack Whenever that was No

I think I did Your wedding Might stack whenever that was. No. I think I did, your wedding might have been, pre-fucking Netflix might have been the... Yeah, the last time you did it was with Flower Power. Yeah. That would have been the last time I'd done Ecstasy. Just, I don't like it. Like, I know it makes you feel good, and I'll admit that it does make you good,

but for me, like, it's a real drug that epitomises drug addiction, just in the sense that, like, it's never as good as the first time it's a real drug that epitomises drug addiction just in the sense like it's never as good as the first time you do it you're always chasing this high that you're never going to get and ultimately I don't like drugs

that make me not in control and ecstasy gives you this level of fucking false love where I'm like oh my god I love everyone and I forgive everyone

and the thing is I don't love everyone and you know how like when you wake up after being drunk Oh how do you not like text someone you know how like When you wake up After being drunk Oh how do you not like Text someone you didn't like Apologise like

Whenever I've been on XD I've forgiven people Who did not deserve My fucking forgiveness I've been nice to people Who did not deserve My fucking kindness And I've like

In my head Yeah I mean People are like Oh god I got so drunk last night I said this horrible thing I'm like Did I text a piece of shit And tell them I forgave them for something they did 15 years ago? Because I don't.

And now I have to send them a message being like, hey man, I know I said at three in the morning last night I forgive you. I want you to know I don't forgive you. Oh, it's an ecstasy? Aye. You've done no growing since then and neither have I, so fuck off. Aye, this isn't a bar between us. So ecstasy is not my not my jam I can turn it

down very fucking easily which is if you've ever handed me weed you'll know it's not an easy thing

for me to fucking do you don't battle addiction with AIDS no not even a nut

so with these pills I always know that it's like getting a serotonin deficit very

soon and my brain after it gets shrink wrapped and you feel like it's been in getting a serotonin deficit very soon and my brain after like it's they get shrink wrapped and you feel like it's been in a vice grip and norepinex press is the only ticket i've got out of it so you wake up in the morning with just this fucking throbbing head and you've just got to get the norepinex press as quick as possible get it down yeah and you've got like 15 20 minutes to wait and then you're fucking you got some relief so i knew that's why i was getting me selling a

um so i had a half a pill on a night out fucking have a belt of time have another half a pill next morning feel fine i'm like playing golf and i've got no reason to feel this good on a come down like i feel great there's no i don't even need again for me tablets i just feel class these are really clean pills and on on the last day me and a friend who I won't name for the job purposes decided um just like take a half at a time by the pool because we're like the branding on pills the PR on pills is disco biscuits it's a party drug you take them you're going somewhere you're fucking dancing you sweat your back out I built that drug to hang around in the kitchen

chatting to someone going in the swimming pool and just float around sit by the pool playing cards it's a really good social drug it's not good for a

fucking airport so we were like kept having a half we'd been checking out our hotel 12 and my flights wasn't until 9 so I'd just kept having a half. We'd been checked out at 12 and my flights wasn't until 9 So I just keep having a half and then a bit later I'm feeling alright, keep having a half

And then just as I'm about to get to the airport I went and I mistimed this I was meant to be coming fucking leveling off So at the time I had four halves so I'm on two pills and time dilation made us take them sooner than I should have and then and my taxi's here and I'm ready I'm about to go and my friend finds another half he gives us it and I went to the airport on two and a half pills and it was absolutely it was pointless I hated it because I was just like short-term memory was fucked short-term memory was fucked and also-term memory was fucked and also the fact that I'm like,

well, man, even though you've done it, it's all your fucking responsibility. I'm still going to get you through and make sure you're okay. Don't lose anything. You forgot. It wasn't your short-term memory that was fucked. It was your long-term fucking memory that was fucked.

We've toured together for a fucking decade and you have never spoken to me so much in an airport and I've never been angry with you at an airport. How are you not trying to talk to us? No, I don't want to talk to anyone. When have we ever spoken in a fucking airport? And I'm on built. Aye, but that's you, man.

Go fucking talk to... Enjoy that. You're having a brand new experience. I hated it. We're fucking sat and I'm like, I've just got to talk to him because otherwise he's going to wander away he's not going to be able

to fucking look at his phone I would have been so twitchy I couldn't look at my phone my phone was nothing my phone was a fucking kaleidoscope and he just needs someone to talk to

to fucking keep him in a room so I'm going to sacrifice my do not under any circumstance utter a word to me in an airport fucking stance to have a conversation where every 30 seconds you're like

what are we talking about I'm like this is the next two hours of my life it's just having half of a're like, what are we talking about? I'm like, this is the next two hours of my life. It's just having half of a conversation, you going, what were we talking about? Halfway through me explaining what we were just talking about,

you asking me what I'm explaining. I'm like, I could just be playing Zelda, man. I could just be playing Zelda on my fucking Switch over there. Right? And if he wasn't on NXT, he'd be sat right there playing Zelda. And that's how it should be. It's the end of a holiday. How on earth? On the way back from fucking Vegas

Ali in the airport the way back he's like do you just disappear in airports I'm like man it's the end of the holiday

I don't know why anyone here is talking to me I have no idea we've done it that was it we spoke man the second you're staying for the credits

on a computer game the second we get to the fucking airport that is when the holiday ends. I'm not beholden to you. I don't need to tell you that I'm leaving. I don't need to tell you that I'm getting in a fucking taxi. I could change my flight and you wouldn't know.

The holiday fucking ends the second you and I enter the airport together. You've got a bag on your hand. So I had this problem and I've heard of it before. I saw it happen at St. Besteville where you can't piss. Where you've taken too much MDMA or ecstasy and you can't piss right and I'd been

at the hotel that I'd try I'd been at the airport that I'd try but I was starting to be mindful because he brought us free drinks then he brought us a beer, a lemonade and a what that you know like fucking that. I'm just like one of the, you can either have all of them you should have at least two of them the beer is optional.

This is, the water is compulsory and the lemonade is... Ben and me, and I already tried to have a couple of pisses. I eventually worked my way through all of these three bottles and I was busting for... So there's fluid in the system.

I was busting for a piss, but I couldn't piss. And somebody was like, try and sit and do the piss. It's easier, right? And I fucking sit doing it. I've got my trousers down and I can feel was like, try and sit and do the piss. It's easier, right? And I fucking said, dude, I've got your choices, dude.

And I can feel it like, like I could feel the piss at the tip of my cock, but it just wasn't coming out. Imagine this is what it feels like for people who have stage fright, you know, cubicle boys.

You know, people who knock out the urinal and they'll wait for the cubicle even though there's a massive cube. I've got some real, real backwards, bigoted opinion on those people.

Yeah, me and Al. I can't, I can't, I lack soul a massive queue I've got some real real backwards bigoted opinion on those people yeah yeah me and Al I can't I lack so much fucking sympathy you're in the wrong bogs mate like forget

about trying to stand up and sit and doon get out of that one stop clocking up the shit as aye aye sit and doon

to piss stand up to piss and if you're the stand up the piss guy. What do you mean you get nervous peeing? You're not peeing in front of other people.

You're not on stage, motherfucker. There's little barriers there. Aye. How obsessed do you think we all are with your fucking cock? I just,

I can't. Bad. And I'm sat there just going, do you want me a cubicle boy? Do you want me a stage fright boy? Just mindfulness. And I just sat there just going, don't be a cubicle boy. Don't be a stage fright boy. Just mindfulness.

And I just kept that feeling of busting for a piss right at the end of me cock for like just trying and trying. And then I just fucking looked down and I jizzed. I jizzed in the toilet with a soft cock without touching my cock. I took so much ecstasy, I fucking jizzed with a soft cock without touching my cock I took so much ecstasy

I fucking jizzed with a soft cock doing the toilet trying to piss I didn't even know that could happen and I fucking cried out my nostrils before

when I rubbed my tear gland but now I've jizzed while pissing and it was it's really hard to piss after you've come as well

it was horrible because you know if you hard it's really hard to piss after you've come as well it was horrible because you know if you every time I'm glad you sat down to be honest I mean

me and you both me and you both because I hadn't wanked that holiday otherwise it was going to be a fucking crime you know every time you've jizzed

it fires at the end of your cock you've never ever jizzed with your foreskin like an elephant's trunk hanging over it. It was fucking horrible, mate. It was dangling like I had sneezed

and it was hanging off my nose. Like an elephant's sneeze. Like an elephant's sneeze. I went to get some toilet rolls. Big toilet roll. And I was sat there. Force of habit, take your sock off.

Sweating and gurning and jizzing and nut pissing. And I was sat there force of habit took your sock off sweating and going and jizzing and not pissing and I was like aye aye I've I've I've went too far

didn't cry like a bitch though no kept handled me shit aye aye aye I mean I had a lovely

fucking stag too because I just tapped out every night and everyone was like, you're a bit of pussy. I'm like, yeah, man. None of that works on me anymore.

Anyone else doing that to you though? You know, we got peer pressure by everyone. Brucey Court was once again, does Sloss just do that? Does he just ghost, does he? And I was like, oh no,

he just like, he always said this stag, he wants to come with for Matty but he doesn't want to be involved in this fucking like late nights now lad

he just wants to go on back and read his book I got a bit I got a bit of pressure just from the people I'm used to pressure from and who I know

Ricketts and that Ricketts and just people that want to hang out with you that's all and that's Andy Elliot I just kept saying

I'm like man you've got all day to fucking hang out with me like I'll be out I didn't take any fucking siestas I'm like man you've got all day to fucking hang out with me like I'll be out I didn't I didn't take any fucking siestas

I was like drinking during the day but I fucking I like sleeping through the night aye getting up sharp seize the day

aye like I love it because there's like there's so many lads there that I hadn't seen in so long and like not spent like proper time with anyway

you know when I got back to Blythe it's like you spread yourself thinly you're just fucking speed dating them and then to just like actually have some quality time

around the pool playing cards and all that like having a fucking dance like I had a I had a lovely time I'm gutted

I'm gutted that's not how it worked with Fermati but like at least I said to him I thought I was going to get him home in one piece i got him back well rested sober all this money i over deliver he didn't spend a penny he was there crying i just wanted to know what he wanted what did he want because he would have been gutted with

the four people turning up did he just just want a golfing holder there? I mean, he is 40. He may have just wanted a golfing holder. Maybe he should pick better mates. I mean, he did pick me as best man. I just couldn't do it. That was a really silly move, starting the day with a prank. You know, everybody there tuned in for you getting asked for it to be best man instead of me.

I don't know why you'd set us up in that direction. I think fucking shampoo in the sandwich, that. Just put shampoo in me sandwich early doors. I feel like that's the, you know, there are pranks that are, you know, I think are, you know, acceptable and good and not necessarily, well, mostly victimless, but it's like, all right, all you're doing is causing somebody, like, social discomfort there.

But physical discomfort and you've put shampoo on your foot. Man, if anyone put shampoo on my sandwich, I would phone the fucking police. Would you? A hundred fucking percent. Just spit it out, man. Come on. Nah, nah, nah. You're so fucking uneducated.

You have no idea what you just did. You've no idea how fucking toxic that is. Nah, nah. Enjoy. Let's get on with it, shampoo. You're getting in the mood for washing your hair. Nah, nah, nah. That would be fucking friendship

over for me if you had to make a fucking shampoo sandwich man I'd spit it out in front of you right and then I wouldn't

say anything and just then I would delete your number I bet you because I would have been about 19 20 at the time I bet you

you and Ali would have been shit like that I bet you Ali ate his own sick once but that was pretty much

they were just the middle aged man now that's not very sensible no no but sick's been inside of your body I'm talking like I did fuck grassy up with something like that though

I put ferulic in one of the fucking water bottles mindlessly I didn't know how fucking toxic it was it's really toxic and everyone at like fucking training it was it's really toxic and everyone at like fucking training it was

training but half time training swilled him back and he just saw

grassy vomit everywhere and me and Brucey who's out we filled up the water

bottles he was off work for a week he was like fucking that's really dangerous

you've got to be careful with shit like that because I can take your stomach lining off and that's obviously what's happened and I was like fucking he's me dad was like hi that's really dangerous that man like you've got to be fucking careful with shit like that because i can take your stomach lining off and that's obviously what's happened and i was like oh shit yeah whoops uh so i we actually fucked grassy up there and that so that's why you stopped eating shit like that because you've done it once um i got brucey with uh he come back to me and I was like do you want to borrow a spare toothbrush and he stayed in the main I got a toothbrush

from behind the sink you know I use this plugs in the shower head I fucking give him that and he didn't even look at it put toothpaste on he starts forming up black

and he's gone aye again another one but like this is who this is who we were as young'uns.

So like, when you think about that shit, it's toned down a lot when I'm like, put your mates in order of hotness. Wave at a boat until someone waves back. That was my one. That was my one. I remember that one. Order food in a Spanish accent.

Like, there was enough of them to get enough clothes back to get on with your holiday. Like, I only made it like so that there was a handful of difficult ones if you wanted all your shit you know so if you want your aftershave and your watch and all that you're gonna have to start going through the gears and you said you wouldn't have done it no but i guarantee if like obviously you wouldn't have done it with matty's mates but with your mates right you would have gamified it you would have had like put your things doing and you would have threw some out and You would have had, like, put your things down,

and you would have threw some out, and you would have went, keep them for later. I'll do this one now. And you would have done it like an escape room. And I think, well, you would. You would have enjoyed doing it, because, like, you would have chosen your own adventure, and you would have done it smart.

Matt, he didn't even try to do it smart. He didn't even look at everybody's cards. He didn't want to fucking know. There's so many cards that just are, like, still in people's pockets and haven't been looked at because he fucking huffed all the way through it well I don't think I would have eh

I mean there's a bunch of ones I wouldn't have fucking done, I would have just it was the rule change, it was like if he buys this wallet back I'm taking the cards off him that would have been me, absolutely, completely and utterly, like,

going to reception, being like, hi, can you phone my landline at home? Hi, I got it. And he just booked me on the next flight from fucking Las Vegas to London.

I'm coming home. They've rigged the system. I'll see you later. The card one was, he was, he was just going to buy, sell a bunch of new clothes and buy,

sell a different hotel and have a holiday on his own. I was like, didn't do that, play the game. Play the game, mate. That's not a loophole. That's Toys at the Pram, that. I could have asked for my wallet back at some point and that would have been a loophole

if I went, give us my wallet. And then fucking fucked off to a different place than the match that you bought us. Toys at the Pram. That's Toys at the Pram. Oh, Jesus. Toys at the Pram was what happened on Tuesday, which was, I'm done and I'm not doing it anymore. That's Toys at the pram was what happened on tuesday which was i'm done and i'm not doing anymore that's toys at the pram i'm going to buy back my wallet because you've allowed me to buy

it back and i'm going to use that money to end this that's not toys at the pram i would have been more gutted if i'd like paid for his holiday got him in a nice hotel got his aunt mates there got all his drinks paid for him and just because he didn't want to him in a nice hotel Got his aunt and mates there Got all his drinks Paid for him And just because He didn't want to Wave at a boat He bought his wallet back And fucked off Well I mean

You could have made the trip More fucking pleasant then Or you could have made it Fucking easier to the point Where he didn't want to Leave Like there's something Like

No mate Like I think I think You've got a kid And you've got Alice And you're like Mate he's got heart problems Well he shouldn't have

Bought gear Like you know what I mean What are you doing I didn't get gear for you That wasn't part of it I mean I Look Every single man

On that wedding That stagged out Said they would have Tapped out the fucking Day before And then kept doing What they were doing And I'm like

This is just not every single man you got that wrong it was you and Dickie no no yeah because he said that of his and then I went through and I would have just went

oh I would have done this and that and I would have had this and I would have moved Demis wouldn't have done it Ricketts said he wouldn't have done it eh fucking

no mum telling you it's way like it's way less than like what's happened on the road stags I mean Ricketts hasn't had a stag but like like Demas would have been dressed up

the whole time and all that 10-15 years ago huh how long has he been married don't know it doesn't matter yes it does

of course it fucking matters of course it matters people grow and change and get older like you've just said the reason I wouldn't do it is because I'm a dad now

like yeah I would have done it when I was 21 but I wouldn't do it now because me 10 years dad now. Like, yeah, I would have done it when I was 21. But you know what? But I wouldn't do it now because me 10 years ago would have done this. Me now would not have done this. Because you admit yourself, I've changed, I'm a dad now. Like, that was, you know.

No, but that just means, like, you can't be without your phone. There's, like, a handful of things where, like, you'd have to tweak it again for you. I'm not going to take your phone off you and you've got a kid at home. I mean, Matty's got a kid at home, but he's marrying her. It was such achievable days.

I reined it right in from being a 40-year-old. Reined it right back. It's a damn shame. But when it was in full swing, everybody who was saying I wouldn't have got this far was like you could package this

and sell it sell this as a package so that stags who are googling stuff on stags can get that fucking list of 100 days divvy them between their mates

put the drink tokens out and then just fucking like you're on your way monitor it it wasn't until they started like it wasn't even a 100 metre sprint

because I watched the video back and it took 10 seconds on sand to finish. Oh, wow. World record. That's Olympic world record on sand. So it was probably about 40 meters. It only went tits up because he ran 40 meters. Don't blame the game, blame the man. That's what I'm saying.

I'm blaming the referee and the fans What do you guys think? You're off and holding them aren't you again? Yes Back to Spain Well fucking Tenerife Because I love my wife And she loves Tenerife And I love my wife and she loves Tenerife

and if I was if I went back on my I'm never going back to Spain thing for Matty Stack I couldn't you're going on Tenerife with her

yeah I mean but she did a real good pitch of that Tenerife technically doesn't count as Spain and I mean we'll see we'll see

I can't imagine I will come back with any different opinions on... Go to the Siam Water Park. That's the best. If you like the water parks in Florida, it's on par. It's on par, okay.

Because she was like, what do you think about the water parks? I'm like, I've heard it's one of the best in the world. But I have, like, America does... They'll have one of them vertical drop. One of them's going through a shark tank. So, like, yeah. You don't really get to see much when you're in it, but it's cool when you go and watch the shark tank

and see people whiz through well I don't imagine we'll be doing much like mainly I think the water part bit will just be we'll be putting in a Kaelin in a non-drownable bit

yeah because if it's just the three like a lot of the good ones are like multi-tube ones where you're going through a plug hole and that sort of shit so if you're like

running off on your own there will be a couple of individual slides that is going to do while the other one watches the band but it is a good one for a team I've had

so just like maybe just like clip him to the carabiner clip on the wall of the lazy river just the back aye

just take him to one of them I hope it doesn't flip aye oh no I think we'll be fine not doing

not doing heaps I mean I was like there was going to be a holiday to recover from the fucking stack but I'm super fine well I mean we'll see like I think now we're at the age where it's like sometimes there's like a two or three day delay but

that would be the worst thing if like tomorrow or Thursday while I'm in the sun my body goes hey I'm going to take all that ceratoria in your stool and I'm like cool man have it my son's there

I'm sure I'll be making more I'm going to get my voice back for the pod because I lost this completely oh poor you fucking was it day two

after the after the night where I powered through and carried on to golf I stayed up like half one that next morning as well so that was one of my biggest sessions ever but like i'm trying to organize 20 people to move different bars and stuff and i'm like i just couldn't get my words

dude so i'm just like whispering instructions to people who are loud no and then they got a karaoke and trying to talk to people all the top of karaoke people ask us questions and i'm like people are on the top of karaoke people ask us questions and I'm like I don't know just your wee etch a sketch didn't cry like a bitch right

I won't see you for two episodes probably yeah I'm going to leave all the stuff here and come back and I think Glenn Wolton told you to tell us

I did so definitely definitely do that so let's see if I can get Glenn Wolton to come for one and I'll see if Colm will do one and then he'll be back

tweet bye