Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.39: Fingerless Condom

Episode Date: July 12, 2023

Muggins has just turned 40 and Cream is back from a family holiday in 'technically Spain' Tenerife. A lovely little catch up episode with some football chat where they introduce a new rule to improve the game, with plenty of more relatable chat about ageing and water parks.

Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road, where we are in our studio. We will be going back on the road next week. We'll be going to Canada. We're going to a bunch of the states in Canada, not all of them. You can go on danielsloss.com forward slash tour, I think, for the tour dates. Please join us out there. Bourgeois in Montreal, that's just me, Kai will not be there, but on the rest of it, he is joining. There'll be another Patreon special before then, deciding how we're going to do that now on this episode.

We talk about my deep hatred of the Spanish as always, but I try to be more positive. I try to be a bit more positive. But you know what? I'm like, that doesn't last long. We talk about Kai being very, very old. We talk about football for a bit. But I think it's funny enough that even if you don't give a shit about football,

you can still be interested in what we're talking about and enjoy the laws that are had. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Tickle the clit inside your head to make you laugh.

Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's our intro. Fucking muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Well, I mean, it's... You're in the second half now. I reckon I've been in the second half For a while Let's be honest

Let's be real You kind of You kind of You kind of Got on that hard In the first half Without getting shanked Off the bench

Aye You're going to get subbed off 65th minute You're going to get 65th minute sub Aye Aye But you know I'm still going to be here

On injury time Aye Everyone else is stuck Aye On the bench Natalie feeding you with a spoon I don't even need a shite I've just followed through

Kai are you Are you ready for your strudel now? Giggling Fucking Cafferad just Shit bag hanging out my hip Aye Yeah I said Natalie

I said you I said you were saying female I didn't normally call that on the public episodes only for the period 40 years old

I'm pretty sure that's the oldest person I now know you know what right I feel like I was saying this in the

what's up there right with the bald patch and the receding and the how bad my eyes are that now feels great it feels paw like it felt like it felt like when I was in me 30s really tragic and now I'm just saying Collins but on the double bogey since his 20s I've seen double bogey yeah it's just fucking weird cuz he looks like an eagle but I'm bummed so I nearly slapped the table

I could just feel Matthew wincing I know Matthew the wincer so I'm assuming you got a Newcastle top for your birthday

yes Megan you got you that Natalie Natalie did she got us this is what Natalie did

doesn't say anything in the back put something on insert clock here hello 69 shagga This is what Natalie did for us Doesn't say anything on the back Nah Might put something on You can see who was signing the sign Insert clock here And then a arrow 69 Shagga Oh god I'd love it

I genuinely For Carys I think it was like Birthday or Christmas It was when we just Moved in And it was during the fucking Covid lockdown

I bought a Chelsea shirt She was like I'll wear a Chelsea shirt And he orders it while stoned And I got 69 put on the Chelsea shirt She was like I'll wear a Chelsea shirt And he orders it whilst doing it And I got 69 put in the back And she was like Now I can only wear it around the house Like I don't know when we've not got guests

Can you remember The lovely merch we got from I think it was Molly One of the dads Molly And friend Sorry friend If I don't remember your name

They got the Peggy T-shirt. It's got Peggy Shagga written on. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, that's one that I reckon Natalie would love to wear, like, even to the dog park or whatever. But? But it suggests that you fuck your dog.

Yeah, it does. Yeah, yeah. Not even. I wouldn't even say suggests. It claims. Yeah, it's very, it's just letting them know. It's a public service announcement yeah which is like really funny yeah wife wearing it that also does suggest pegging

yeah yeah yeah yeah but if you yeah because i guess if you're the if you're the peggy uh-huh the peggy yeah there's the peg and the peggy so if you're the peggy shagger You're the pegger It's just another way of saying pegger Pegger Aye So yeah Natalie got us 40 gifts Yeah For my 40th birthday

She got bored at like 30 And I've got to be 31 32 Yeah The last 10 were just Individual jelly beans It was so funny The last 10 were groceries

I had 4 individually wrapped Individually wrapped Hot sauces Yeah so Lovely So it's I got you 30 presents And then 10 groceries Welcome to

Our own version Of Ready Steady Cook It was like The thoughtfulness Of it started becoming That should wrap them all Yeah yeah yeah I'm getting

Nurofen And some Vyrax Which are Which are Awesome gifts What's the Vyrax The Vyrax is For your cold sore.

Oh, okay. Which every time I've been on the sesh, I come doing with a stress-induced cold sore. I keep saying to you on the sesh, you should stop cheating. Nah, man. Every single time. Honestly, I cannot help sucking dicks with herpes.

Aye, aye. They're my favourite. They are. They come with their own ribbed condom. Yeah. But you still get the load. Aye. Fingerless condom

You can always remember their name because it's written in braille In the spots on their cock Oh yeah Steve, that would have been embarrassing if I'd forgotten his name That's what I'm Looking at always Instead of in letters I use braille Just a stab in motion You ever been pegged?

Nah, you know what, wouldn't be against it If there wasn't so much going on down there. I, it's one of my things where I'm like, I'm definitely wrong. Like it's just, it's got to be some sort of like... I've always loved the digital. Same. I'll take a finger at the bottom, but...

I can't really talk to the recreationally me. Yeah, throwing money over your shoulder. Keep the change. No, it's like, there's just something like finger, sure. Anything else I feel like is a giving up of power. And that's what I like. I'm uncomfortable with it, which is, it's, you know, it's not logical.

Like if Cara were to sit down and explain to me like i would be like it all makes sense i'm not getting on the rocket ship i'm not doing it like you're you're not stockton rush you're not the fucking titanic guy you're not an idiot like i trust your science that all makes sense still not have you ever get a handjob while bent over what have you ever received yeah a handjob uh-huh while on all fours

bent over that's it back up on display I'm not a cow I'm not a cow I could like

I know I know it's a clap I know I assume it is I don't need to act out though and I'm like

I'll take a line off my arse one I'll take a line off my arse one I'll take a line off my arse one treat us like a slut while you're down there treat yourself catch yourself

in the mirror get even hotter I didn't even know I could get hotter no because I just there's no way I could allow that to happen

and every time she jerked me off I'm just hearing the sound of milk hitting a tin pail. Man, tongue up your arse. Getting her fucking pails pushed back in. No, I love that woman. I couldn't make her do that. I wouldn't make her do that to anyone.

She's the mother of a child. You didn't make her do it. It makes it sound sinister. You stegger it's not sinister it's pathetic baby baby

I'm on my knees here it's my 40th it's my 40th I'm best you've got two of these left 50 and maybe

60 you're doing this when I'm 80 no it's gonna happen you're gonna be there a while but you know what the Parkinson's

could kind of help it shouldn't take that long it took a fucking airport toilet 10 fucking minutes I didn't have to touch me

so if this is hard for you that says more about your skills at all just pop a couple of them pills in there for us

the blister pack a couple of ecstasy a couple of Viagra bish bash bosh you can just go downstairs and watch telly I'll take myself by thinking I'll have a mind wank I didn't do it all The blister pack, a couple of ecstasy, a couple of Viagra. Bish, bosh, bosh. You can just go downstairs and watch telly.

I'll take myself by thinking. I'll have a mind wank. Like I didn't do it at all. Just thumbing pills up your arse and pulling your fucking nose back like you're a live pest dispenser. God, pa, ga, ga. Aye. I'm on a shelf to snooze. Aye. That never came back, was that? Aye I'm on a shelf to snooze Aye

Yeah That never came back Look at that Are you sure I am sure Because we did it in Austria We We did it in Austria

In Austria They have the Inspection trays So you have a shite on it Have a little look For worms And then Go

Oh me snooze Are you sure you got it up there you didn't like get up your second butthole or just in the crack or

I got it right up there like wedged it right in ask the guys from the church well I just feel like I feel like you should have

from the band oh my god it's the church not my friend ask my friends from church I definitely did it they regularly

shove stuff up my arse they just feel like you should get toxic shock syndrome from that. It doesn't like... Oh, nothing happened. But there's no way it's still up there. No, it absolutely dissolved into nothingness. I don't think that's true. I don't think if you kept it in your foot,

I don't think there's... Poo's not acidic-y, is it? It became one with the poo. What's the pH of poo, Matthew? I don't think it needs to be acidic I'd assume it would be Acidic if it's coming from your stomach But you can dissolve stuff in water And there's water, not neutral

Pure water is pH 5.5 water Neutral 7, right? Yeah I feel like I've got this in my head From the pool plant From the pool plant When I was working at the swimming pool. But is water a pH 5.5?

Does that mean it's alkaline acid? In regular water, I mean. Human feces tend to be between 6.1 and 7.9 pH. Told you, it's pretty fucking neutral. Well, that's either. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's literally... It's in the pie.

9.9. I'm just saying I don't know if your butthole's more Dissolving than your mouth Oh I see what you're saying Yeah but also it did spend a lot longer up there But it still like absorbs Like the reason Shoving up there still works

Is because it still digests Yeah that's why Some people take cocaine up their arse like the reason we're like shoving up there still works is because it's still digest. Yeah. That's why, that's why, that's why some people, it's not dissolving it. Cocaine up the arse.

Um, some people take alcohol up the butt. Yep. Can do. Tampon. Is it a tampon where tampon full of vodka up your arse? Aye. Aye. I think it,

yeah. I think a lot of people died doing that. Shut up. Aye. What a shit way to go. Yeah. What a shut up aye what a shit way to go yeah what a fucking weak what a weak way to go

well look ass vodka he died through ass vodka do you want a town pond oh no you've already got one that's such a funny way to get drunk do you want to try it

no wasn't tiny 10s40 10s40 tries new things No. Wasn't tiny. Turns 40. Turns 40, tries new things. Me lass also got us in the many items. Several books. One of them, Sarah Pascoe's.

Great. And I got it from a charity shop, so she didn't get any of the money. Right, okay. I'm already done. She bought it because she wanted us to have the copy of me getting called racist uh it was the she has more than one book it's another book oh yeah so natalie's trying to read it to find the bit and she's like it's so bad no she's like no wonder she started slagging off because she's got nothing to say it's just running she's literally under the time pressure slagging off because she's got nothing to say it's just

running she's literally under the time pressure of deadlines and running with stuff to say um but i so i've got i've got pascoe's book so you're gonna give it a read that would be gross like you know what would have if natalie had went you know what actually i went into it we're trying to have any bias you know what you're fucking racist this woman's actually got some points she makes some good points it really validates

what she has to say about you but the fact that Natalie was just like oh my god it's fucking terrible like I'm not

I trust her judgement I'm going to save me time and not read it have you finished have you stopped reading your terrible book yet you've given it up good

aye I think if you're not enjoying a book by the first third, you've got to just nip it in the fucking bud. Yeah, and I feel really sad

for the lad that recommended this because he's an avid reader. We agree on a lot of books. And he's lost. And he's handed us a physical book. Have we talked about the book on the podcast? I think so.

Basically, catch it up, The Blood Meridian. They don't use quotation marks. I don't quite know what's happening at any point. I don't know if it's it's on me you want to have a little read of it and see what you think no no i'm ball steven fancy you know what um me and natalie were talking today about like um we give you the bum recommendation of the dark tower yeah right i feel like you're

missing out on the best of stephen king because i feel like you have to be a stephen king fan to like buy into that world because he brings so many of his worlds into it. And I've just been reading Pet Sematary and I feel like you're missing out on such awesome books

because you've written off Stephen King because of The Dark Tower and you won't read horror even though you will. I won't read horror. Grassy gave me some recommendations because all your zombie stuff.

That's not horror. I don't read it. Yeah, but in that case The Stand isn't really... Pet Sematary is the most fucked up shit actually you're not selling this to be you it's the most fucked up I'm reading it and I'm like why are you thinking these things why are you doing this to yourself in the reader but like honestly kind of put it down because somebody's just went too far and you're just like class oh wow you're describing

that you're describing that shit I'm alright it's like Blair Witch Project I was like why would you put those thoughts into my creative brain like just I don't need to give the fucking painter in my head these fucking tools to give me fresh fucking nightmares

no thank you I'll take wizards I'll take orcs i'll take you know pseudo christian heroes yeah you know what as well he makes the people so human in it like everybody all the characters like he just he delivers them so well they're just real people there you're reading and you're just going oh you're just describing real people and then this fucked up shit starts happening to them and you're like oh you've made this world so fucking real and now you're putting this person through this shit

it's so good like it's the best writing aye cool not for you and I'm sure they're some of the best sushi in the world I'm not going to eat it and I think as well Pet Sematary is the wrong book to read if you've got a toddler

aye oh I don't consider my son to be a pet so nah nah see do you know the concept of the book it's like

there's a fucking cemetery way over yonder like an ancient burial ground and he buries his cat there and it comes back and it's kind of changed

it's had some rigor mortis kicking in and it's come back and it's just it's just a bit vile and the way he describes it's kind of changed it's had some rigor mortis kicking in and it's come back and it's just it's just a bit vile and the way he describes it's so good because it's like it's the same speed it's the same but different yeah um and then his son dies and i caught her in a road accident and it's him justifying doing it it's him justifying going to this pet summary with

his mutilated son just going like you'd love your kid if they're disabled parents like still defend that child if they're a rapist and he's going through like just the whole chapter as if i'm justifying something fucking abhorrent of zombifying his own child and it's like he's already made his mind up that he's gonna do it and the way he talks about the like justifying doing it it's clearly a man that's dealt with addiction and knows what it's like to have that hand

pushing on your back where the decision's been made your free will's gone you're doing this thing and I just in the way he describes

the death of the child and the fucking it's you don't want to read that as a dad of a toddler I'm not going to read any of it

but he but he does sit and read my magic my magic book about the black magician who's now the archmage and he talks to dragons and he's a

real good bloke and he doesn't justify creating an abomination no well actually he does in the first book and then

and then his journey is complete by the end and we all, you know, it's all good but nah. I've got some Stephen King recommendations and they're all like the... The non-supernatural ones. Gerald's Game.

I don't think that was... No. It's not supernatural. I feel like that's the torture one, innit? It's the one where she's tied to a bed having a sex game with her fat husband and he dies of a heart attack and she's stuck in the woods. I'm not fucking reading about fatties. I'm not doing it.

And she unpacks all of her psychological damage while dying of starvation on the bed. I think I'm going Shawshank Redemption. I'm just going to go in late with a man that gets raped in prison. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's fine. Like, that's okay. And I'll skip those chapters because I don't want to read it with an erection. with a man that gets raped in prison. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's fine. Like, that's okay. I can, you know, that's...

And I'll skip those chapters because I don't want to read it with an erection. In Mistborn, though, there's, like, body horror, right? What's body horror? Like, I mean, it's... Mekandra? No, like, in Mistborn. Like, all the, like, bodies have, like, metal,

like, sewn into their skin and stuff, spikes coming out their eyes and all this stuff like that's horror yeah but it's yeah but it's written

by a fucking Mormon so it's no it's not it's not written by Stephen King who did like acid in his teenage years this is written by a guy

who sings songs every fucking weekend like he's a brilliant describer I was just Brandon Sanderson is going to be way more gentle in describing horror to me

and make it more magical and fantastical than Stephen King who's like, those fucking rusty nails coming out of their eyes. I'm like, I don't need that. That's why I love the storyline of Haunting on House Hill. So good. You and Natalie just will never watch it.

It's such a shame. It's such a good plot. Sometimes I see people eating salads and I'm like, man, I wish that tasted delicious to me because it looks like that's fun to eat. But I used to hate horror up until a year ago. And then I just found something I liked

and that's it. I think the point we're trying to make is Daniel should just try pegging. Just take it up the arse. Enough people are telling me that it's good. No, not doing it. I've never done it by the way you're going to save some stuff for your 50s Jesus what are you saving for your 40s

are you sticking 10 years off letting it heal just 10 years of on your soul we've been in Tenerife on a family holiday which I'll get onto in a bit you've spent most of June in Spain and Benidorm

Benidorm didn't change any of the opinions I'd already had it gave me a bit more perspective on how bad the Brits are and how we are it's a self-fulfilling prophecy they hate us because we're shit and that's why they'll continue to treat us like shit I'm still not so like yes yes what about after Tenerife did

you have a nice experience in Tenerife because that just feels a bit disconnected from the whole yeah yeah like a bit and there was a really shady bridge people there we're walking into the monkey park which was a very fun thing to watch Canna go through morally, because obviously she loves animals, but she hates zoos. But she understands that, like, you know, sometimes the best way to teach conservation is to, like, show it. And she wants her son to be good with animals. And you can see in the pictures, like, should we go?

And I'm like, look, Canna, I can put my moral blinkers on quite easily a lot of the time like I've been to enough zoos at this point that you know it's like eating meat you know you can explain to me it's wrong and I'll be like aha but I'm showing my son a monkey yeah when else can I do that like yeah you're right and I'm

wrong so I'm going to do it and you can yell at me the entire time I'm not fully comfortable with it but I've done worse and this isn't where I'm drawing the line to do it and you can yell at me the entire time I'm not fully comfortable with it but I've done worse and this isn't this isn't where I'm drawing the line in the sand where they are feeding guinea pigs

guinea pigs in the zoo it's like a monkey that's a cop out that leg well until you can feed them and then it's just that's a pet shop there well look we would have taken them

to a pet shop the option was monkey zoo with guinea pigs. We get in there and there's this four or five-year-old Geordie kid walking around with his dad, right? Smoking. Passing him to the monkeys. Have his mum love. She's passed out in the pram

he's walking out and the kid goes dad the monkeys have got hands just like us they can pick things up just like us and I won't do the jolly accent

because it's awful but both me and Cara heard it he was like yeah that's because you know we all come from the same family. Long, long time ago, we were all monkeys and then the monkeys grew into bigger monkeys

and smart monkeys and eventually grew into us and we became human beings. And then we became lost. Did Dad say that? Did Dad say that? 10.38am. To a four-year-old? To a fucking four-year-old. 10.38 to a 4 year old to a fucking 4 year old

I was I had to start to put my son down I was not ready for that deep philosophy just wiping the tears out of your eyes I grabbed Cara

I'm like did you hear that I would never tell my I wouldn't tell my son that when he was 13 and then we become lost and that was it as if there was all this divine plan

all the way up until we're here and then we're like and then we just didn't know what was next so we're built Benidorm strip and we're dressed men up in inappropriate outfits and paraded them in front of A bunch of other stag parties

I know those monkeys are in the cage and they're sad But this again, this is because us This is because we've come lost When they're out there in the jungle, they're happy They're eating flies, they're eating bugs They're living their best life It's just us that have got the concept of depression, son What must the monkeys be thinking

When they look outwards to us laughing fucking mean there's a family from Glasgow trying to feed their monkey tenants through the fucking cage fucking let's get them drunk man the monkeys are in the cage son but we're in the cage of our own minds

anyway guinea pigs laughing I think it was Gareth White used to have the bit which was he was at the zoo and just

there's this dad walking around with his son and the son went dad what's the most dangerous animal and the dad went the mosquito

and you're like oh fuck off man that's just that's not what your son wants to hear

at the zoo you wanker just say shock. Yeah, shock. Just say lie. Like, I can't hippo, I can't hippo. That's a good one. You can still throw your curveball and impress your son

with a fucking poison arrow frog. You're one of the Russian oligarchs died of a... It died in a... getting poisoned by some fucking tree frog thing it was part of

some like ritual he was doing some fucking Jorgen DMT thing but they're like was he then struck off by the Kremlin

you're like man they're cool with just pushing people out of windows and saying they fell like if it if it ain't broke don't fix it

they're good at killing people they don't need to be creative like yeah just like Kremlin K't broke don't fix it they're good at killing people they don't need to be creative like yeah just like Kremlin isn't that good isn't that good

at what they do they are the can we delete this Kremlin Kremlin Kremlin Kremlin

Kremlin we went to an all inclusive because that was how Cara got me to go to to turn my back on saying that I would

never return to Spain was we compromised nice hotel yeah which was she was like in the hotel it better know

when he bad she was like Tenerife's not Spain really it's not the best like they're they're good they're polite

they're very good you also stay at the Hard Rock Cafe which is just fake. Hard rock hotel, but yes. But that's what it is, though, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. And there was like, you know, there was options for like all-inclusive

where you could pay. And as you go, we obviously went all-inclusive. And there was, we went to... There was a lot of rock memorabilia that you didn't care about. Yeah. You were like, oh, wow, the guitar that the Ramones used in your leg, I couldn't sing one of their songs. Yeah, well, there was some stuff.

There was an Elton John costume. I'm like, man, I've seen Elton John live in his fucking class. And Elton John is, yeah, great. I'm like, cool. I don't recognise that one. But if you say he wore it, cool. And then on one of the floors, there was Beyonce's bra. And I'm like, it's good that it's behind glass.

And I'm not touching that glass. No, I'm not letting that glass. No, no, I'm not letting my son anywhere fucking near it. Jesus. Just like, he's just like, it's amazing. Is this back lying?

It's like, no, UV. UV. Yeah. There was some stuff, like it was, but it was really nice.

It was, we splurged just because we were like, it was our first family holiday. Only, like Caelan's been to a lot of places, but it's always been work he's so well travelled for an actual

adult he's well travelled and he's going to be coming on the first two weeks of the America tour yes that's class yeah he's someone attacked him finally somebody that smiles on tour Hey, Cara's been on tour

That's true But I get in trouble for smiling at her It's because you two keep fucking winking at each other I was going to say that You're in Tenerife at the Hard Rock Hotel You're getting warmed up to Spain the Hard Rock Hotel Getting warmed up to Spain It's not necessarily getting warmed up Even at the Hard Rock Hotel

I'm just like You aren't superb Getting here when I need you It's not No no no They were so good with Caelan The holiday was excellent because Caelan is very young and everything's amazing to him.

So you don't have to do much. There's just like a baby pool and everyone's nice to him. So he's just going, ooh, all the time. We're giving him a pan of chocolates because fuck it's holiday. Where were we when people just wanted photos of him? Oh. Singapore. Singapore.

Singapore, aye. People are just like, can I have a photo of your child? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was, yes, some really old guy was like, can I take a photo of you child Yeah yeah yeah Some There was yes Some really old guy Was like Can I take a photo of you And your son I'm like

I mean this is clearly For something sinister But sure Okay And he takes a bunch of photos And his daughter Runs out of the crowd And she's like

I'm so sorry Give me your email address I'll make sure he says He just does this And then the guy Genuinely sent me two Very beautiful photos Of me and my son

In the middle of Singapore Nice Yeah I had to buy them Off the dark web Yeah He photoshopped his nappy off of the seizure. And then the guy genuinely sent me two very beautiful photos of me and my son in the middle of Singapore. Nice. Yeah. I had to buy them off the dark web. Yeah. He photoshopped his nappy off. Actually, that was very unfair.

I think Singapore is safe. What are the safe? It's not. That's, what's the word I'm looking for? I'm diminishing the good name of Singapore, the safety. We've talked about how disgustingly safe it is. A day at a committee. Yeah, yeah.

A fucking day. Double day, yeah. Go ask that police officer if you can smoke here. No, no, no. It's fine. I'll just give everything up. When I found out that the drugs were punishable by death, I nearly choked every chewing gum. It's also illegal.

Chewing gum's illegal in Singapore. What's the punishment? Death. They might eat the whole packet. I guess like a thousand dollar equivalent fine. Rub your face in it. Spit on the floor. So do you like Siam Waterpark?

Best waterpark ever? Oh. It's like on par with the Florida ones Yeah, absolutely, it's very very good Did you have to make friends so that you could go on the best rides Because somebody always had to be with Caelan? No, no, we just acknowledged the fact That we were like, this is, for the next five years

We're just not getting through the fun bits Was there not like a single queue For people that needed an extra seat filled? I'm not going, that's who I am. I'm not joining somebody else on the lazy fucking river. It's not the lazy river but is it? No I'm not. It has more to offer than the lazy

river. It's like one of them plug hole things it's like a super duper fucking half pipe I've done them and I'm only going to You're not chatting to people when you're on there I've done them. I've got the experience of those rides and I know I'll done them. I've got the experience of those rides and I know I'll get them again. I only want them with you or my wife

or whoever I'm at the water park with. I want the first memories of my son going down the shitty little slides. Also, there's just the added worry that you get in and they go, do you know your dance class? And you're like, fuck yeah, you're getting a bunch of Dave Grohl moment.

No, there's not a chance I was getting on any of the other rides without I would have smuggled Caelan on I do get really annoyed when you can't and I'm like well at the end of the day he's my son so I'll do what I want with him ignore the fact that my wife is agreeing with you

this is a matter of principle. She can tell me no, you cannot. This is my relationship. What do you mean you want it again on one of the like kind of vertical drop rides like fucking Alan

like Alan off the hangover where like the water hits you and it's fucking wedging your pants and all that and this child that is way smaller than you is getting exactly

the same impact. How do they tell you to lie down on those slides right perfect way to hold a baby two seatbelts right

my feet's breaking the water that pressure baby's falling off no my feet are there it's going over the top of him it's like he's in a his head just pops off

like a champagne cock no my feet's breaking it's all that goes through the shock tank as well My feet My feet

My feet are bigger than his head So they're like the front of the F1 car So it's breaking all the stuff over the top None of it's getting to his head If anything, he's not seeing the sharks Because he's got water He's as safe as can be Should have done it

Just face first with him on your belly on your belly just slide lemon grass to the bottom of the fucking tube

he's my kid do you know what evacuated the park so we can put all the blood out the water yeah yeah parents are allowed

to say hey you're not giving my child that surgery that will save their life because it's against my religion that I not giving my child that surgery that will save their life because it's against my religion that I forced on my child I should be allowed

to surf my baby down a water slide like if they're getting fucking religious freedom I'm getting family freedom right it's my job

now he's too short to go on the rollercoaster I'll tell you if he's too short then he just flies with the thing as his seatbelt doesn't fit they're like

well somebody's getting sued. Tell him to be taller. Never listens. It was, it's a good, it's a very, very good water park.

You know, still, still inefficient. Still. Oh, you didn't get the cue jumpers? We've not, again Again not for the kids right Just didn't need those

Did I tell you about We went In like There was a gig in Tenerife To expats You still got your wristband on No that was actually From Connie Fox Farm

Which we'll talk about after I'm sure Guinea pigs there was No that's Craigies Went there doing gigs The promoter Also Owns the radio station Advertises through the gigs the promoter also owns the radio station advertises through the radio station it has some link with the radio station and the radio station are sponsored by the water park and there's some connection where the acts also get a cabana a wristband

that gets you all the food all the drinks so you're just eating and drinking and you're q jumping but it was like everybody that gets a q jumper there gets like one shot on each ride or something i don't know but the what i'm trying to explain is there wasn't a cue jumper cue the cue jumper was a literal cue jumper you know when you get like the speedy border but fucking everyone's a speedy border if you're underlying everything you're underlying nothing yeah it wasn't like that it was like overshooting them and me and danny mclaughlin got to the front of the queue as these two kids were about to go down the slide and the guy made the kids get out of the thing and we're trying to in english speaking of a spanish man going no no let them go and he was like like kicking the kids out i felt so bad send them to the back as well

with the spanish kids all the fucking way to back And I'll teach you the concept of unfair You're such a bigot 100% You're so bigoted You're so right wing Only against the Spanish You are GB news Against the Spanish yes

You're the Dave Chappelle Black Klu Klux Klan member Only to the Spanish How dare you call me Spanish I love All people, I love Americans I love Australians I love Indians, I love the Portuguese Man I even love a lot of Russians

Because it's not them that's doing this All races follow the first sentence with a But No, I love them all Except There we go There it is They're fucking Spanish

Tenerife Spanish were cool They can stay I'll do a gig Fine I'll do a gig in Tenerife Oh you won't though No You would have hated it That gig

Oh man I was class In that gig Was it all expats? Yeah Quite a lot of Geordies But And there were expats

Who were like Living on holiday Rather than just In the place That they don't want to be So there were Like I'll say there were

The voted Brexit And then lost the Sky Go The stupid Stupid Stupid motherfuckers My kind of audience Yeah I just feel like there's other

You know Going to this All inclusive thing There was like the kids club Which we took into occasionally But Cara's not at the stage Where she's happy to like leave them Just because there weren't

Like loads of other kids there If we felt like we could have snuck off But also She's just got different She's like Would you be able to leave them? I'm like Cara If you weren't here of other kids there, if we felt like we could have snuck off. But also, she's just got different... She's like, would you be able to leave him? I'm like, Cara, if you weren't here, I'd be at the bar. I love my son so fucking much. And he's at the stage now where he says,

da-da, right? And that's how he gets me to play with him. He looks at me, he goes, da-da, and he stamps his feet, because that's what he thinks chasing is. And it's the most... I love my fucking son. If you offer me 30 minutes away from him

at any time during the day, yum, yum, yum, I'm just fucking literally. Let's go get a fucking... I love him. I can miss half an hour. I can always miss half an hour. You know when people go so far gone

with their right wing that they start justifying Hitler going, like, I'm not justifying what he did, but he had some good idea. That's how they start. You're like that with the McCanns. They had some good idea that's how to start you all like that with the McCann's I had some good ideas poorly executed

I did this joke in Portugal I was like I was like look it's fine I would get rid of English kids as well

and I'm going to be honest with you having met you all I don't think it's your fault she was gone I think it was the Spanish I've met them they suck

they came over here they stole my I don't know McCann to put it on you to make you look worse because that's easier than the Spanish

just being better people and being like that way they've got to bring other people down instead of you know sinister aye

I'm still not going to go back but Ryan keeps asking want to do gigs out there? aye you like that, aren't you? Yeah, and I'm the most stubborn man. You still want a gig in Kilmarnock?

No. That's so weird. Not until, not until they can give me the name of the heckler. I want to know where his grave is. Like, no,

he's dead now. Yeah, and I want to know where and I want to piss on it. I will have the last laugh. How old are you, 17? Yeah the last laugh how old were you 17? yeah how old are you now? 32

nice to see you've grown up yeah hey you can carry stuff through that's you know that's memories that's self respect it's funny because you're like

I will stick to the decision I made when I was 17 unless it's Chelsea Football Club. In which case I will grow up and move on from that bad decision. Well, because they hurt me. My bigotry towards Spain isn't hurting me yet.

And my hatred of Kilmarnock hasn't come to bite me back yet. It's not as if I were to go back to Kilmarnock, they'd be like, finally! He's here. It would be 200 people from Kilmarnock who'd be like finally he's here it would be 200 people from Kilmarnock who I know will just come through

to class it's so funny because I always feel like I don't know if it's because I'm from an abusive relationship as far as football goes but part of football

is that it hurts you and like that's why I feel like the Saudi league is never going to work right because you need to have like a connection

to your club it's not you couldn't just start watching the Saudi league because there's some good players there and enjoy the right because you need to have like a connection to your club it's not you couldn't just start watching the saudi league because there's some good players there and enjoy the football really you need to have a connection to your club because if an algan's fucking sour you need something that's going to be like well it's family i have to stay like if you just choose a club at a later age because of glory secret or whatever that means you're never going to be there through the bad times you're never going to get relegated with that club, you're never going to go

I would get relegated with Chelsea, I'd have no problem with that, I just I've said it times I'm not watching it be run by a 14 year old French teenager It's quite funny though, I've enjoyed watching that It's not working

I've not paid attention to anything for months And I'm not going to Until Todd Bowley's gone So Do you still like Slightly check the scores? No Cullen keeps me updated I didn't know about the

Because Cullen Had to explain the fucking The The There being a club In the Saudi league Who's just buying All of Chelsea's shit players

And I was like That's close to bringing me back in Because that's so funny It's such a shit Shit Evil fucking loophole That I was like that's close to bringing me back in because that's so funny it's such a shit shit evil fucking loophole

that I'm like oh there's the Chelsea I know and love there it is that's one of them where like my team's owned by the Saudis and I'm like

oh no keep a low profile man don't be doing that don't be doing don't be selling fucking players that are redundant for extra high money

for those that don't or don't care Chelsea have spent far too much money like in the last window and to the point where they were like definitely going to be. There's a thing called financial fair play. They were going to be fined a lot because they overspent

on all these fucking players. You've got teams like Rangers and Juventus that have been like fucking pumped doing the leagues and Derby County have been pumped doing the leagues from breaching financial fair play and they were never going to be able to make the money back except it turns out the club, the company that owns Chelsea also owned another football club in Saudi Arabia

and are just using that club to overpay to buy Chelsea players over there just so that we get all the money back and it's so and Todd Bowley's doing the thing that he always does apparently which is like hey it wasn't in the rules and people are being like

well because we didn't think we had to make a rule for something so evil that's the one bit where I'm like he's actually he's actually like they're creating rules

because of him so this thing where you like spread the payment so if you're allowed that's an entrepreneur if you're allowed if you're allowed to spend a hundred million

in a year right but you buy a player and you spread the payment over a hundred years of a million, like a million pounds. You've got a hundred pound player, right? You've still got 99 million pounds left to spend that year. He's obviously not doing it over a hundred years, but he's doing it over like seven and nine and like spreading the payments. So like he's within financial fair play and the fucking made a rule to stop that happening. And he got in like two hours

before the rule got implemented with one last play out like ah it's a long suck I was like Indiana Jones grabbing his hand

you're like fucking come on man it's a gentleman's sport why are we playing it this way so that's when that's happening I'm like oh god

I mean that is I love I've always said I want more shithousery in fucking football that's it but what happening I'm like oh god I mean that is I love I've always said I want more shithousery in fucking football that's it but what is not shithousery is him being like can I buy Mbappe and it's like you're just you're being a French teenager playing FIFA and I and you know what I think um you may enjoy that they're gonna they might be gonna trail it as you know how when I've sorry to anybody that's not into football but this is what's happening you know when you're offside it's like your toenails

past the like so you've got the back of the defender which may be his heel in the front of the attacker which may be the toe of his boot and then the workout

if that toe of the boot is across the heel they might change it so the whole of the attacker has to be past the defender right so they are checking the back of the attacker's

heel against the back of the defender so it's like is there air between them there's going to be millions of goals millions i'm not against trying it i'm like there's got to be some purists there that are like fucking not didn't change it if it's not broke didn't fix it it is kind of broke the amount of time was spent checking this fucking millimeter it's going to be so much easier if you can is the air between them people yes or no and you're not looking for a toe overlapping you're looking for clear space is that one millimeter of green that you can see down that line yes or no boom done so you are fixing something that's broken in that respect but it But it's going to change everything tactics that works. It's going to be so many more goals.

There's going to be players that are like positional wise good, but they're not fast enough, that are just redundant now. And then players are going to be gone, them kind of sluggish centre backs. Harry Maguire. Mm-hmm. Jamal Lascelles,

even though his position is great also. I want them to bring in I've said it before The one role I think will be very important for Football Is However you first react To the tackle

Is how you will be treated Medically Medically for the next 24 hours Helicopter off Neymar Every time somebody clips his heels Yeah just Matt you can go down You can go

Hey that was a fucking foul If you're going Ah We are stopping the game We are getting a helicopter to come in We're letting your mum run on the pitch Aye she's coming in We're going to stick you down to a

Even though you're like No no I'm fine Motherfucker We saw that reaction We're going gonna put a dodie in your mouth pacifier

we're gonna strap you to one of those things strap across your forehead your nipples your fucking

belly button your tiny wee cock your shins your broken heel and we're gonna take you away

and we're gonna be like oh by the way no more subs because he's not here to sub off so I made top to toe iodine spray

I'll paint you like Donald Trump full body cast you gotta wear it for a week He's not here to sub off. I made top of the tone iodine spray. I'm painting you like Donald Trump. Full body cast. Yeah, you've got to wear it for a week. And also, we've had the doctors look over the footage. You're out for the rest of the season. If it hurt that much, there's got to be some sort of stress factor that our x-ray just isn't safe.

Because why else would you have reacted that way? Why else would you have screamed so much unless it hurt that much? You should get real recovering from a car crash level physio for the next six weeks. And you can walk fine. Please! I was overreacting!

And you've got to be in your gown with a frame and being one foot in front of the other. It's so funny the amount of times that Neymar has just carried off not because he's been injured but he's gone down pretending to be injured and they've just put so much morphine in him that he's finally died they're like this is like saving Private Ryan

like he's screaming so much there just cannot be a way to bring him back amputate his leg instant red card for anyone who's not the captain speaking to the referee instant that rule only needs Instant red card for anyone who's not the captain speaking to the referee. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. for the match are you going to do this next week or are we all going to learn a fucking system but then what you get is if one ref starts doing that like you'll have people like oh he's losing control of the game and you're like

but if everybody just agreed that that's what happened then that would be completely controlling the game it's because some of them are soft as fuck and let people

shout in their face it would be so like in half a year of football it would be so easy to just your football it would be so easy to just be loved by everyone if you just fucking bounced up from a tackle and if you never tried to claim shit that's just what the game is isn't it

and because of who the South Americans and where did the South Americans originally come from Portugal Spain all goes back to the Spanish. You just

controlled bigotry. It's amazing. You're like, who can I be completely racist towards and no one's going to bat an eyelid? Spanish.

You've nailed it. Yeah, because everyone fucking hates them because they suck. And then if people start being protective of other Spanish,

you're going to call them woke. Can I say anything anymore. The last bastion. Yeah. Well, you know how much I love the Portuguese. Portugal is one of my outright favourites

as an audience, as a place to fucking visit. I'm going there next week, you know, Holder. I'm going back there at the end of August. I can't wait. I'm going to go to Porto for the first time.

Super excited to explore more of Portugal because I love it. Which means it's not racing towards the Spanish, is it? Because I like the ones that look like them. That's your little get out of. Look, what are the Portuguese, if not slightly... I bet you would love to be outward with your hatred towards Arabian countries. What are the Portuguese, if not slightly... Wait. I bet you would love to be outward with your hatred towards Arabian countries.

But it just feels dodgy. Because you obviously disagree with a lot of the stuff that's coming out of them nations. I disagree with religion, aye. But if you give them the same stank that you give Spain, it would come across Islamophobic. Yeah. Or if I gave Islam the same fucking stank that you give Spain it would come across like Islamophobic yeah or if I gave

Islam the same fucking stank that I give Christianity all the time even though Islam absolutely falls under everything I say about Christianity I'm just not scared of you honkies I just feel like there could be a lot more repercussions this cunt would murder a Sunderland

fan listen to him on his fucking high horse he'd slit the throat of a four year old Sunderland fan listen to him on his fucking high horse he'd slit the throat of a four year old Sunderland fan that was that actually easily

wouldn't wouldn't fucking plug wouldn't feel that giving out

to me being a bigot that was a very funny conversation I had

with Matty after when he was like about the outfit that he had to wear in walk around

Benidorm in that mankini thing and he was like we just put you in a Sunderland

shirt I was like hold on Matty if you put those two outfits in front of

me and asked me to choose one what would I be wearing nothing I wouldn't be wearing the

Sunderland shirt I'd wear a note I thought like I couldn't then why did you kiss the badge at least three or four times

slanderous absolute slanderous I was thinking about this the other day and I'm like I think it's going to be something that you're going to take to your grave

because even if I were to give you my phone even if I were to be naked in a room with you and you were to be able to select the location and you knew there were no cameras

there were no cameras you would know what if I kissed that badge even if it was me on my fucking deathbed and I'm like just admit to me just admit to me

that me and my you kissing in front of us to wind us up if you still would take it to your fucking grave I said I had cameras in my face can't kiss the badge I'm just like you know what no but when the cameras were off you know me maybe cock was big enough to shag it aye but like it's not

I could never optionally put that on no no but I was a good sport you were and I was a good sport with my stout

you bought your way out of it bought fucking control power grab yeah like because Matty did do a little bit of control on his that he wanted to play some golf You bought your way out of it. Bought fucking control, power grab. Yeah. Because Matty did do a little bit of control on his that he wanted to play some golf.

I organised that. He should have just put his foot doing a lot more stuff. You had to get something back for your money. And you didn't, like, you still drank more than I would have made you drink if it was a party game. Oh, yeah. I didn't need to drive your drinking.

No. As we all know, I really enjoy drinking. I think it's good fucking fun. And, yeah, I'm always, I'll not lead the charge, but if somebody else buckles at any time during the day, I will always I'll not lead the charge but if somebody else buckles at any time during the day I'll always join

I will always join a pint and I did dress you up as the last whale I dressed as Spider-Man and I did sit you down in a room and get 20 comics

to take the piss out of you very soul yeah while I was on cocaine so it's not like I did nothing to you but it just it was all kind of offset

with like you got the Bellagio And you got a helicopter flight And you got all these nice things He bought those They were purchases And also look if you spent the best part of two decades Proving to your friends

That you are nothing but a fucking Spoilsport When you're not in a good mood They'll not take it Too far And also there was This weird thing where I don't know why

But like nobody Was calling for your head There was no like What we're gonna do We're gonna do that Like nobody Was doing that I was actually

Fucking full frontal From all of Matty's mates Across the board Just going What we're putting him in What we're doing What we're gonna do Like I'm gonna murder him

Like the WhatsApp group Got called the murderer of Matty Cannon like I don't know what he's done to these people but it's clearly more than he can take and that came home to roost

I do think yeah there's you know Nelson's been wanting to go to Vegas for his entire life he's like what should we do to Danny and Nelson's like

I'll suck him off I think what does he want it's so bad as well that punishment of you would have been taking you to the strippers yeah I'm like

I can't punish someone with nice things it's not the same it's not the same it would have that really really fucking would have ruined my

I I like I would have I would have ruined my eye. I would have kicked off in the fucking limo. Me and Natalie were attacked because we didn't get Matty to the strip house at any point, which he would have enjoyed the strip house as Matty, but we didn't get him there just because, I don't know, I read him a bit of his story at the time it opened. But I was saying to Natalie,

girls could never get jealous of, like, lads going to the strippers because nothing's ever going to happen. Like, every man that's ever been to the strippers has never pulled the stripper. But a hen party has a stripper. If the hen couldn't fuck the male stripper you're marrying the wrong lass like a male like every hen could pull the male stripper yes i i and the male stripper would give a fucking refund no that was i can't it didn't have it or can it have a it's never an option for men there isn't even an element of element of trust needed for a man going to the strippers.

You do have to trust your wife if they have a male stripper. Which I would. Aye. Some wouldn't. But Natalie could fuck them if they wanted. That's the difference between me and her. I kind of fuck my strippers. Yeah.

Nah. I've tried. Tried everything, mate. It's not on the cards You don't need to worry about it love No danger Why are you crying? I didn't shag her

You said you tried I put If she said yes What are you off? Right, right, right And if I tried to fly to the moon, would you be mad that I left? It was a speculative attempt. I knew it wasn't going to work.

Do you think I would have tried if I knew it was going to work? Can I whistle? Can I whistle when I'm smiling? Can I whistle when I'm smiling? I'm getting a whistle when I'm smiling. Anything else to say? Sorry. No, just sorry. Sorry.

I was trying to find the words. I feel going good about turning 40 I've just I've mentally unpacked that because you know I was feeling like now I feel on par

with like me body defects I feel like ahead of par with a bunch of other stuff like I've been back running

and all that and I'm like you know what I'm in good nick for 40 terrible nick for 30 it's amazing

the difference a day can make but i 40 year old fucking guy and just fucking busting 5k was thinking about it now i'm all right uh so that that feels good i've got any right to have a good gas tank as well for how i treat my body but what have you achieved in your life like where have you been i've been in a fair few places. I've definitely unlocked a lot of the map. Aye. And a lot of that was in my 30s as well. Turning 30, I felt like I'd been to some places. When did you?

How old were you when we started doing Europe? So I'd done Australia on my own ticket in 2013, April time-ish. So that was just before, that was me 20, so when I was 29, I'd already done Australia. So that felt like a good one, just before I turned 30,

I'd fucking unlocked a bit of the map. I'd been to a bunch of places on Europe, like Holland and Spain and Italy and Switzerland, ski resorts and stuff. So I'd done a bunch of Europe, but like all of the bits that were done in Europe from 2014 onwards, like Romania, Bulgaria, Iceland like all of the bits that were done in europe from 2014 onwards like romania bulgaria iceland all of scandinavia like these are countries that i probably would never have went they um so most of europe was unlocked in my 30s and

um i'd been a couple of states of america now i've been over half of them which was is that true i think say i i think we've done like i think we've done like 24 states between the two tours or thereabouts and i've also been to hawaii and florida on holidays and nevada on holidays so like i think that takes over half a bit too more of America than a lot of Americans aye uh huh that's true

and that was all in my 30s apart from Florida em in New York I don't know in my 20s as well

em South Africa was in my 30s still not done there nah eh India I did in my 20s oh aye so i i think uh we've got we've still got like this is what's good it got into me 40s like i could go to me 50s and i could have unlocked so

much more because we've got all of south america still i mean a china i mean kazakhstan take venice down all them little oh my god you just can't shoot china yeah that's right cashier at china now we could get your disney contract cancelled because we went to hong kong and you cannot if you move into hong kong and disney then we've been to china according to them that was you being very very yeah i've been to china yet i'm coming i'm coming with me ideas hey i'm glad i did cub Cuba in my 20s because that would fuck up all the America trips if I went now aye alright well

I guess it's time to go give you your birthday present I wasn't oh am I getting a present come on Caelan got you did he aye

it's just how you circumnavigate being sweet you did something really sweet and then you just chuck it in as a bear and got you that I mean that's how I do it aye this really thinly Mae rhywbeth ddiddorol yn gwneud, ac wedyn rydych chi'n ei ddynnu fel ychydig o ben. Mae hynny'n gweithio. Mae hynny'n dda. Mae'r ffaith o ddiddorol yn llaw.

Dwi ddim yn hoffi'r cyfrif. Dwi ddim yn hoffi i bobl ddweud pethau dda amdano i mi ar ôl i mi ffwrdd. Dyna'r peth. Iawn, gadewch i ni fynd i fynd i fynd â chreswm.