Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.4: Tory Baby

Episode Date: October 26, 2022

Muggins and Cream discuss the value vs effort on certain chores, the fate of anyone who wants to be in power and baby paraphernalia aimed at rich people. Cream opts to die on a hill alone about the value of sound quality when watching movies.

Hello, podcast listeners and viewers. Welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Thank you very much for paying for the Patreon. If you are paying for the Patreon, welcome to the early episodes. If you're not, if you're one of those type pieces of shit, thank you so much for, you know, just enjoying the free content. Guess you can't complain. Guess you can't complain. Offered you free content and you took it for the grand total of fuck all. Guess that's on us then. Guess that's on us that you're just going for the grand total of fuck all guess that's on us then guess that's on us that you're just going for the free shit fair enough that's what you want this relationship to be cool good to know good to know just the free shit just walking around sales breeze not buying anything free sample or free sample free sample walking in ice cream stores or can i try

that can i try that or do you want a cone no no, just a visa that's you, fine, good, good, good for you um it's a good episode today, um we spoke about how ugly my fiancé is uh, we spoke about how dumb my baby is and how his birthday doesn't matter then we had an argument about sound quality

um, and then and did we talk politics in this one Or was that the last one Aye So talk about beheading the politics You know what they're all fucking like Anyway it's a good episode I lolled and you will too

Enjoy Cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park.

Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? So is there people livin' in them houses out the back of yours now? Aye. Aye, because that just turned my piss into a crime. Aye.

I've always just ran out and pissed in the bush. Yeah, because you live in the back. And then I saw all the open curtains. Yeah. I was looking in the windows for somebody. You got pissed down there now, and that doesn't feel as convenient. Nah, it feels like it's pissing on your property. Aye.

When I'm pissing on the bush,'s like I'm Pissing out of the Helping nature Aye I'm just like It's out in the wilderness Where the animals piss Yeah Yeah yeah yeah

That's where all your badgers And squirrels Will do their pissing And the deer We get deer in this area Or I don't know if they do Now that you've started Pissing out there

Do you ever get shit on by a squirrel Or pissed on by a squirrel The way you would off a bird You know Because they're always in the tree Can't be isn't that Aye I mean probably

But I imagine their poos Are a bit more solid So they're probably just I imagine they're a bit more like the way you would off a bird, you know, because always in the tree, can't be that. Aye. I mean, probably, but I imagine their poos are a bit more solid, so they're probably just... I imagine they're a bit more like a dog where they'd, like, get a bit of groan and rummage around a little bit and try and... Because fucking hell's what the dogs do. You reckon they're shitting on the ground? I reckon so, aye.

You reckon squirrels are shitting on the ground? I didn't think that they're in airdrops. I think you get... Why? But that seems so dangerous. Why? Like, you're... First of all, if we could all shit from a tree, we'd shit from a tree. I think that goes without. day in airdrops. Why? But that seems so dangerous. Why? First of all, if we could all shit from a

tree, we'd shit from a tree. I think that goes without. I mean, we can. You know sloths, like, spend all their time in trees for safety reasons

but will crawl down to the ground to take a shit, even though it's, yeah, they don't know why because it's so dangerous, but they just do. Sloths and pandas, man,

we just need to, there's some animals that just have to go yeah and I think we should bring back the guillotine for them

just they've got no it's properly sentenced them all to death right and they've got no how could they have a concept of what's happening but like

real official bring it back march them down because you can't hang the sloths that'd be stupid that's what they're good at if it doesn't snap their neck they're just

thank you now for the slowest escape there has ever been goodbye suckers so why they come down? So why wouldn't squirrels? That's mad That would be like a bear Going up a tree to shit for me Like

That's not It would be like a bear Coming down a tree to shit It'd be like Elk go and be like I need a shit Would you go there I've got a shit in the lake

Why? I hate fish The way I drink it up I think the sloths as well They have like A specific one spot They'll go for a shite Every time

They'll go out Their way to go That makes sense as well Because like You know If you're going to be Living in that patch of woods You might as well

Like We shit in the same spot All the time When we've got a bit of Property Aye but it doesn't stay there Aye but If it was going to stay there

You wouldn't just Dot it run would you How are you Like It's like not shitting on a plane. You can hold it in until you land. Being like, oh, fucking, this is a long flight to Bangkok, but I refuse to do it.

I really treasure my shit on the plane. Do you? That's a real time killer for me. Oh, I get you. At some point, I'm going to go and have a sit-down. I'm going to spend 15 minutes having a shite. I'm not even going to wait for ages after it leaves my arse I'm going to dry up a

bit and then deal with it have you ever had a wank on a plane I can't say I have but I can't say I haven't it's not beyond us

me neither tell me about the time you do you always do it not always but man I'm like I'm in business class you're allowed

to I don't I don't often wank backstage either it depends where i am wait so you didn't even do it in the bathroom yeah of course yeah yeah yeah that's all i don't know that's not what i yeah but that's not what i think business class is i paid for this right yeah but business where's my baileies there's just a male high club and it's just a bunch of couples and you

no no business is just more they're nicer to you I remember the first time I got business class and this was

this was like years before I could afford it like it was paid for by a company that was flying me out somewhere and it was the last available flight

so they had to get me on business class I was like couldn't fucking believe it and I just I was going through a period of my life where i was like oh you know maybe i used to sketch when i was younger i was like maybe i'll try and get back into sketchings and then i was and you know what i'm like when i'm not good at anything but i had my sketch thing with me on the plane and the uh this guy from turbulence this dog has four legs now Four legs now What's wrong with me?

You've got a dog This dog has four legs and three wheels Yeah, four legs And a very Well, five legs Just one really happy leg on its back Seems useless But just

Like a little windscreen wiper But for nothing On one of your two shows I'm trying to remember which one it was because they'll remember it belfast it was in belfast i'd done a line on stage that was the first time i've done it i done it in the moment and it just felt so dark right i just done you know when i do peggy i sometimes do the impression of peggy sniffing her own piss two years late i like a facebook time hop yeah and like i just do like, I used to talk about myself in the third person,

cringe. And then five years later, I just goes, oh, I used to say cringe. And then I just went 10 years later, look how young I looked before I had wheels. And everyone who was just laughing along and everything and said,

previously just went, oh, oh no. Love those laughs. Give them laugh and then take it away instantly. Like just Indiana Jones, switch that positive feeling for an instantly sad one. Oh.

That's why comedy is an art form. I might keep it in, but I just got carried away. I was just like, what else do people say? And they always talk about how young they used to look when they used to complain about their looks and all that. And now, when I look back, it's like, I wish I was kinder to myself. So I was just think i had that like thing in my head about when people look at time hubs and i had i took away duck's legs hey for comedy's sake it worked um let's

backtrack through but let's excavate that conversation let's not excavate the conversation now we were actually on something there where Where were we what? Oh, right. I was pissing in front of neighbours. Oh, just there, yeah. That's exactly what happened. I went for a piss, realised that, like, it was, like, the fucking... I felt revealed.

Like, I felt like a place where I normally felt safe, I was, like, revealed. It actually felt like pissing outside this time. Like, we're pissing on a train, you know, and they've got their fucking... The door's open, and it's, like, open, and it's, like, and it just, like, reveals you. But then there's just, like doors open and it's like open and it's like it just like

reveals you but then there's just like this hidden don't forget to lock it button down there and if you didn't

press that the next person that comes to open it just you're sat having a poo and they're just like here he is it was like

one of their moments get a wank on a train oh that's what we're talking about wanking on the flight aye nah nah

nah I didn't have like me I didn't have like me I didn't have my horniness ever wins over the fucking comfort and convenience of

you don't have to wank because you're horny that's true for me it's a time killer suppose so but also like I can't get any signal up there

and I haven't got a memory I'm just wanking up by and I haven't got a memory. I'm just wanking over the decor of a fucking public toilet. I close my eyes and just wank over the pitch darkness of the void. I cannot bring up any visual imagination. I went, well, me and my high school mates, we all went for a spa day yesterday because we're all dads now. And our present to one of the newest dads was just,

hey, we'll take you all for a spa day. And also we can just all go in a spa together and be idiots together. Got a massage. Said the same thing I always say when I'm about to get a massage, which is just like, essentially I give the woman a DNR. Being like, you could not physically hurt me enough. There's nothing you, there's no amount of pressure you can apply to my back that I will say,

no, don't do that. Like just as hard as you physically. And she's like, yeah, no, got it, got it,

got it. I'm like, if your full body weight's not on me, I'm not going to feel anything. And the second and the second the second she touched me I was like I guess I'll just relax for the next 45 minutes then it wasn't a physically hard one

and this is look because before we went in the two guys that had gone in before us they were like I got my one she was great but she spoke the entire way through and Graham went oh my one didn't say a word and she gave a really fucking deep one and I'm like, well I'm going to go for

the one that doesn't talk, the one that's got the most pressure and I think Graham's just got a softer back than me I've realised now, and I don't know if this is sexist but it probably is considering consistently I'm accidentally sexist the second there was two women there I'm like

do you not have a big six foot four black guy who's just finished his workout and not in a sexual way but deep down maybe kind of but it's mainly just. Me and Sutwood had back massages in Antigua and the lasses were like fucking short putters

mate I was like Mrs Trunchbull It was like Mrs. Trunchbull. It was like Mrs. Trunchbull and we were both like, class. Oh, that's what you want. That's what you want. Don't get me wrong. She had hands like the rock biter

from Neverending Story. Yes. Matt, don't get me wrong. The massage was so good because it was nice and relaxed and it's still nice. She'd love it. It's nice to be touched by

lady hands I'm like but the big fucking you know where you know where fucking triceratops hooves just fucking knuckling

you know what bothers me in back massage when you're getting full body massage is when you have to leave your boxes on because

you're like oh but like one of the main muscles that needs downs underneath that because like and like they'll like one of the main muscles that needs downs underneath that because like they'll avoid your arse like it's your cock oh maybe yours

they'll avoid your arse like it's your cock it's such a sad sentence yeah but I'm such a telling one for what you want from a massage I understand they won't touch my cock, but my arse. I'm like giving myself a wedgie before she starts just hoping that the one muscle I'm using all of the time and I need to rest.

The muscle I talk out of. The one that's keeping the blood and poo in at all times I'm Like my cock When they just like avoid you Or it's like it's an erogenous zone And then like I just think

I'd pay for happy I don't know if it just means you massage me ass I shouldn't be left dude I don't know if it just made you massage my arse it shouldn't be left dude I don't think I also think that like every time I'm

like down a massage too every time as if I get massaged twice a year and every time I go for a massage I'm like

I should treat myself to those more often yeah they're always in hotels where we stay yeah I don't know

it just feels like one of those and you're like I don't know It just feels like One of those And you're like I don't want to be that guy That You know For me it's a very LA thing To get like three massages a week

And I'm like I'm not going to pretend That my life is that stressful Aye Like When you start saying my masseuse Like I say my therapist Aye

Aye Aye When you're like When you're facing that hole Why is Why Why is there Why is there not a little hole for your cock? A little one.

But why is there not just so that can hang loose? And also if you're a lady, two holes just for your boobs to go down and then somebody can come in. Just an A, I'd Buckling on anything Milk pinning often And you went You went harder

Or softer Laughing Just fucking Aye That would be a bit of a happy ending massage even if they had a hole in the table that you'd cut and go through. Yeah.

Then instead of going to it now you just see them disappear on another table. Well, if they ask you to turn over you're like, I don't want to shit on you. That would be a sad ending. Actually, how much is that just speculate with me in theory getting your wallet i hope not wearing trousers

pulling a hole from behind it yeah just full of 50 pences oh i'm short And then pulling a 20 from behind her Alright so You could do that If there was a hole for your cock as well But no hole for your face Then it's just like a horizontal

In that case just lie it the other way Just put your cock through the face hole Your legs would be a little bit fucking Breached wouldn't they? Looking like the antenna of some bug You'd need to hang on to a dumbbell So you just didn't get like a seesaw The antenna of a bug I just

I just enjoyed that after the fact I was busy doing my seesaw thing When you said it that's alright when was the last time you had a massage probably altitude they didn't fucking run

an altitude leg they're really good massagers they're not prudish about your bum and that leg they try to wring you like a fucking cloth

good I think that's like I feel like that's like real Austrian for me Austria I know how to do a spa they know how they know how to

fucking do all that shit for me like if you don't go for the hardest pain or like at least fucking

medium to strong in a massage if you get a soft massage that's that's a korma to me aye I'm like you are just

wasting you're meek that's not the point you're just why don't you why don't you go pay pay a stranger

to rub their hands on your back you're like you can have a massage and get struck by a dog for the same money but by a dog

what's wrong with me you have a dog for the same money but by a dog what's wrong with me you have a dog so you're getting no none of your

dog references are making any sense it's got three eyes like a dog and you

know big long trunk like a dog squirrel shitting from trees

like a dog and you know big long trunks like a dog squirrels shitting from trees like a dog yeah I haven't had one for a while but I'm due one leg shall we just eat each other

when I want a few clothes right then we both do him that would have been funny At the Havre Word restaurant

If we started Dishing shoulder massages And that Yeah That would have been Extra element We didn't get any tips Did we

No And I was expecting To make tips What a bunch of Tight fucking glasses I don't really think We earned tips Like I wouldn't have

Tipped that service This is just for context We were waiters On Hav A Word's Patreon special where they rented out a restaurant, sold it out to their own fans and then hired comedians to be staff because

they know how little comedians have to do on a Tuesday evening. I kept leaving the menus. We've already covered this in the last Patreon episode if you want to go back and do your homework. But we'll add some additional stuff. I kept leaving the menus we've already covered this in the last Patreon episode if you want to go back and do your homework but we'll add some

additional stuff I kept leaving the fucking menus dude aye that was one of the things as soon as they made that order you're meant to be aware of the menus aren't you

yeah I was looking at them just eating that fucking meal on just the messiest table yeah well it's just been like why are you guys still

using a menu as a placemat aye because I'm not good at my job I'm just every time I thought I'd nailed a table, just in the sense of like, perfect interaction, everything looks good.

The real waitress was just following after me and then like pick up all the bits I didn't. She's like, just out of curiosity, do most people eat desserts with chopsticks? And I'm like, now that you mention it, probably not.

Bad idea there. I had one where they kept asking, most people eat desserts with chopsticks? And I'm like, now that you mention it, probably not. It's a bad idea, that. And I had one where they kept, they kept asking about their main. I was like, I had this thought, and they kept asking about their main. And I was just like,

well, you know, they've never worked in a kitchen before. It's fucking ish on and that. Just wait for it. All right. Okay, you've got nothing else on.

And then, and then I heard somebody just go right table seven's finished let's start and I was like oh that's on me that that's on me that and that's what I tell everyone

I went in and tell Dean he was the pastry chef so I tell you that one so anyway I went back out and I just I fessed up everything

like I can see now when the when the wait has like have done that and then they'll blame house loaders in the kitchen or then they'll blame house loaders in the kitchen or like there's they'll blame the chef because the chef's not there to defend

themselves and i saw i saw the opportunity to do that and you didn't you know of course i didn't i'm not gonna get fired oh i don't think i'm not gonna get cut it's not gonna affect my teeth oh maybe they did it's not gonna affect like it was a, what I loved about it is you're doing a job that's actually quite hard with no consequences when you get it wrong. In fact, you're making better content when you fuck it up. So it was like, I reckon any waiter or chef would love the opportunity to do what we just done

with absolutely zero consequences. You're running your job. No, no, no, no. I reckon they would do it. Because we weren't rude do it because we weren't we weren't rude to like we weren't horrible

to the patrons we weren't like oh fuck off we tried to do it massively unprofessional yeah like I was

I was like going up leaving me paint at the table and just going remain as me paint's there when I lose it and then I'd just be shouting in the middle of the restaurant

does anyone know where me paint is and then one of me tables would be like you've left it over here you can't do that at work well or could they I'd just be shouting in the middle of the restaurant, does anyone know where my paint is? And then one of my tables would be like, you've left it over here. You can't do that at work. Well.

Or could they? I guess it depends on the, I mean, we've been to any, you know what, restaurants in Spain. Aye. That's, you know, that's how they do it.

I really. I'll never not be racist to the Spanish. I really enjoyed the element of adding a little bit of unprofessional charisma to something that's actually quite robotic oh it's quite a robotic job isn't it

like you go in you do the thing this is like an element of like smile and grace and all that but it'd just be like pulling up a seat pulling up a seat backwards

like a fucking substitute teacher like the fucking like a cop in the fucking yeah I'm gonna be a good cop here so

the soup's off. Aye, there was... It was so... Because you were beforehand. Because I was very much getting at the mindset of getting it right. And you were very much like, none of it matters.

No consequences. None of this matters. And it was good to have that drilled into you, that there's no consequences at all. So when you were Fucking shit up Aye Which was

And also man They weren't even Man They weren't our Patreons They weren't you guys Like It would have been Special to you guys

This isn't the Patreon episode I know but there's a few of them Listen They've got it early So Because My fiancée Cara

Is a You know her She's an insane person In certain aspects So because My fiancée Cara is a You know her She's an insane person When it comes to her child or animals Yeah Normal person in every other aspect But if it involves her kid or pets She's an insane lady

She's like what do we do for Caelan's First birthday And there's part of me in my head which is like I mean he's not going to fucking remember it

he's won so let's do some stuff that we'll enjoy let's not not heaps the celebration's essentially for us

it's won it's like it's celebrating now I won yeah of keeping this boy alive yeah yeah

and then but then we're also like man so many of our friends have kids now and are going to have kids that are similar age we're also like man so many of our friends have kids now and are going to have kids that are similar age we're like we will do it for us

we'll have a party for Caelan where we invite everyone round and they can bring their babies and we can all be like oh and we can get a photo of all of our kids together on each other's first birthdays

but we understand so so you can look and go this was you on your first birthday and that was your friend and this is your other friend so and Carol was also like and this is your other friend so and Carol was also like

even she and I wasn't expecting this from her she was like we'll not buy him a big present because he's won he's not going to

fucking remember buy yourself something nice to see you guys celebrating why you know waste the money and why waste the money

and Carol's quite thrifted like that normally but not when it comes to her kid until she showed me this big soft play thing that you could buy and i was she says i want to get this for his birthday for his birthday party and i was like well let's not buy it because man there's no

point we can buy himself in the future but like not now not a one and buying a soft play like like when i say soft play i mean like uh I mean like a pyramid of foam covered, two cubes of foam, they stack on top of each other, and then like a foamy three-by-three ball pit because it's a baby, it doesn't fucking matter. Like, it's quite a small thing, but... A portable soft plate. Yeah, but I mean, look at the prices.

I'm like, I don't want to spend that much money on a fucking... for a first birthday present like and why buy it now when it's just I buy that when he's three and knows what it is like we can put him in it now

but it's just he's not going to get the full enjoyment of it I'm like I bet they rent them out I bet you can just rent these things

for the day so if we want to have five babies around at the house right and we want them all to be in the soft play instead of buying it rent it out

send it away there's heaps of places that do that it's as common as renting a bouncy castle right right two of the websites we go on man these websites were from 1997 up to date up to date with all relevant information but just the oldest fucking website you've ever seen like the entire menu was just like square by square by just like square by square by square by square by square by square and then you're just clicking more more the whole menu's down the side there's no other pages nothing's hidden the links that you've already clicked on have turned purple spot fucking on but man what they offer is exactly what we're after after it's

just here's a rental of a fucking small ball pit here's a rental of like seven plush things that are soft on the ground and they can fall on and here's a slide it's just a fucking triangle then third option we go to got this website really good website this motherfucker

knows how to market to mothers of children who love their kids. And it's a bit, it's... This is the option you can get if you don't love your kid. But if you do... Then, oh, but why wouldn't you do this? Why wouldn't you upgrade it to the deluxe for your child?

Other mothers are. It's more Instagrammable. Like, it's clearly, like, the other ones where you're renting... That's the crux of it, right? It's multicoloured balls and it's all like bright colours and vibrant and none of the things match when they're together but this one

it's all like greys and whites and you know that fuck you know it looks like an Instagram filter like they all look like

they're on an Instagram filter so it just looks more fucking bougie and nice and I can just see Carla's face fucking move that's what it's for it's not for the kid

no and I can so I'm just saying we're both looking at the phone together and's not for the kid no and I can so I'm just saying we're both looking at the phone together and I just see the hook go into her mouth and I'm like oh well

I'm not gonna stop it and she's like this looks really good and she's brilliant and to be fair it does look good like the guy's nailing his fucking business model here

he's nailed the website he's nailed his marketing he's nailed his fucking target demographic what he's fucking going for can I guess the name of the company you know how people call stuff that's good with words

word porn have they called it child porn no you know food porn yeah yeah no I got that I'm not gonna I'm not gonna cut that bit out

and just have you child porn have the call it child porn right so now that's off the menu now child porn's off the menu didn't they call it Mother's Delight Posh Little People

I can't I can't I can't rent I can't I can't rent from a company Posh Little People I can't have that Tory Baby

Tory Baby That's called Tory Baby Posh Little People Posh Little People Man little people I can't have that Tory baby Tory baby Tory baby or like posh little people posh little people man don't I know

I know what that I know what it is but don't name it I know that's what I am by buying this don't call it that my Tesla

isn't called cunt's car it's called Tesla right because they've made it sound like oh it's historic oh it's very interesting it's scientific it's a cunt's car it's called Tesla right they've made it sound like oh it's historic oh it's very interesting

it's scientific it's a cunt's car they've not called it cunt car they've called it Tesla you cannot do this thing obviously for fucking Porsche Twats

bring us in and be like oh god that looks good and be like and just so you know on your fucking accountant's bill it's going to come out on your tax return

they're robbing themselves and also I wouldn't have are they though? I wouldn't have a joke, he's going to make a website and go I can't believe that's taken I can't believe posh little people's taken that's us is it a terrible decision

or is it secretly very clever Because if it's not called posh little people Do you reckon the boss come back With like fucking crubby bits of chocolate on it And everything Or do you think they've filled it with my lot Well because that man that I put you off Would you ever rent

From posh little people Right so there you go Nah not until they change their name. You could bring us out of here, it's so fucking Tory. It's so Tory. It is, it's just, oh. But you are a wee bit of a Tory.

I guarantee, and I will say this with massive confidence, I guarantee I pay more tax than every single Tory MP and politician. There's no doubt in my mind. I guarantee I pay more tax than every single Tory MP and politician. There's no doubt in my mind. I get that, but if they're making cuts for their mates, you know, like, you'll get a benefit from it. If the Tories get their way,

you'll be like, oh, that's really rude. Thanks, bud. Thank you so much, though, that is. Oh, look at them, they've got a new turd on it. Oh, I don't know. I've not watched the news in so long. I'm just like, it doesn't give me anything anymore.

I'm like, I just look at the thing and be like, oh, well, turns out I do hate most of everyone in the world. Do you ever lose touch with football and then tune back in and realise that Peter Cech plays for Arsenal now you know that sort of stuff and you're just like

what? yeah hold on I had little spells like that where I had like fucking my career was all consuming

because I was trying to make it as a stand up and then when I fucking breached back into the fucking real world again me kids me mates' kids are fucking

like a lot older now and i've missed a couple of seasons of football like there was a portion of my life that's being fucking missed like that and i feel like that's happening to me right now with news i feel like i can tell that there's like changeovers and like mps and chancellors and stuff like that because i see the jokes on twitter but i never actually read the news story so there's like a fucking bunch of shit that's happening now where like I'm probably gonna have a blind spot to it in 10 years I don't even like getting the jokes of them anymore because I think that gives you a false perception because if you because that's where the algorithm works it

just shows you people that you agree with but if you just see everyone insulting the current government you're like oh great, great. Well, that means surely next time they're going to fuck off. And then you go out and you vote because you're like, here we go. It's going to be the big swing. And then you're like, oh, we lost by 90%. That's unbelievable. I could have fucking sworn

because my Twitter, in which I follow 250 people, is very confident. And you just forget that fucking middle England's a thing aye I don't know what they're getting out of it

because their bills are going up as well like everybody's bills are going up and everybody's paid which I think it's just like you know every country's striking

at the minute and now it's happening about it so like what are people getting out of it where are people going these are my guys

I think it's literally It doesn't affect me Fuck it Yeah I do think so Might be the Trump thing They've been a Tory for so long They're too scared to admit Oh yeah

Now that it's so obvious They're not going to change their stance I wouldn't change my football team Even if the Saudis took over They're fanatical They're sports fanatics about it because because they've been like during the election they got held to account for their fucking political beliefs and then defended them like vehemently and now they're stuck in a position where they're getting bummed the same as everybody else because of their vote but they're just like

pretending that they're enjoying being bummed because that's what they voted for and they're just like oh it's classist I still my plan for fixing the entire fucking government right you can have this

uh term limits of 10 years you can't serve more than fucking 10 years in the government at all

what 10 years and you're done or need to party no yeah no as a politician the most you can

accumulate in the fucking job is 10 years after that it's over and if you want to be i think we've spoken about this on the podcast before bring it up again if you want to be the leader of the country you can be the leader of the country but when your term is over it's the death penalty right that's it that's it that's the deal and there's no way out of that you can't change the law in there if you want to

serve the country by the way guess what is there a one way ticket to Mars do you want to go to Mars or do you not

want to go to Mars you want to be the leader of the country but here's the good thing your first term is going to be

four years obviously we'll let you run for a second term but if you fuck up that first four years

it's still that's your term over it's and it is the guillotine um i've got another idea is that uh the same as with like your football team right you don't just want the fucking longest serving footballer to be in like i'm getting this all wrong right age age is key because of their physical ability right but also i think age is key because their mental ability I think you should be a young enthusiastic person if you're running the country and anybody that's older

coach them you're the backroom staff the older people just fucking hang up your boots you had your fucking moment you had your time to shine let the fucking it's their country it's theirs and their kids. Right?

You've had your bit. You're now 50 and you're still calling shots. Based on what? The world you used to live in and not the world you live in now that other people are trying to inhabit and have a nice time.

I reckon let youngins do it. How young? You're retired now. How old are you? How old long you on your last years? I'm done me, I'm coaching I don't know if you can go that young I don't know if you can let I reckon like if you're still going when you're 38

That means you're Ronaldo That's based on the fucking work you've done Yeah but I don't You reach your physical fucking peak You'll get a couple of James Milnes in there That are fucking knocking on 40 You know what I'm saying but like based on

fucking how fucking incredible they've been in that time but even then they're starting to do their badges I reckon there should just always be

you have to wear a certain suit as a politician right and in it in the back just sewn into the lighting

it's a grenade right and the to the pin of the lining it's a grenade right and the to the pin of the grenade it's a bit of string right with a pulley it comes at your back

you look like Woody from Toy Story and if you say the same stock line in more than two interviews in a row which proves that you're not answering like a human being yeah we get to pull your Woody string like if there's any evidence of you being like,

there's a snake in my boot, there's a snake in my boot, there's a snake. Yeah, there is an oaf. There's a fucking police. So hey, you said the same thing twice. It's your woody. And then just everyone in question time

just gets caught in flesh. Yeah. Oh right, who's next? I just have to, I just think There's good ways To kill them Who? Politicians?

Just in general Well I mean At what point Do you just go They're not None of them Are scared of you You know what's happening

You know what's happening By the way This is on both sides Please don't think This is a fucking Oh these just These bloody Tories I'm fucking sick of

But I mean They're the ones in charge, so that's what happened. That's why we're throwing shit in this direction. But understand, it's also pushing that direction. I love to think that if the people I voted in got in, I'd hold them to account for making us look like a dickhead if we're doing shit wrong.

I'd be like, you're making me look like a prick. I voted for this shit. I'm going to deal with it. What a day. I imagine that's how most people feel watching fucking Biden. They're just like, oh man,

you were the only other option, but Jesus. But you'd have to, you'd want to hold them in account. What I think it is, is what we did in that restaurant where before we went into the restaurant is we just went,

none of this matters. Aye. It's not a real restaurant. That's what they do when they're running the country. They just go, it's just a game. Aye. Like it doesn't matter if I fuck this up

I'm going to be doing after I'm speaking For a fucking 10 grand in appearance I'm going to be fucking just wheeled around At different events On a free ticket As the guest of honour Afterwards you're not allowed to work Or

At the end of the term At the end of your term your wage is what the lowest person in the country's earning that's the standard how about

as part of the fucking internship to become a leader you have to just gander a year at a company at the

minimum wage and you just have to live as one of the people that you're serving because they've got no idea they've got no idea what it's like to work in a factory

put them in a factory for a bit you can't no fuck off did you used to pack panties or some shit what did you do I've packed skirts

aye I've packed lipsticks aye got high on my own supplies aren't I imagine imagine I packed aerial

imagine you're packing your skirts away right and you're like oh fucking hell this is so fucking mundane how old were you 16 then

16 you're just going oh god this is absolute shit you look up and you see a 33 year old Boris Johnson

just sniffing the skirts and you're like man they're not worn. Can you stop doing that? They're fresh off the loom, them. They're doing this smelling fibres and fabrics. That's not even...

I think you're trying to get off on the wrong thing. It's the principle. Trying to get off on the wrong thing, man. The thing is, I shouldn't be doing this. And that's why I am. We used to hit, like, see what size it was, clip on the tag for what size it was clip on the tag for what size it

was fold it up and put some like tracing paper thing and then fold it up and then put it in the right box and then get the

next one and find the thing clip it so you'd have boxes for size 40 and 80 or whatever it was fucking monotonous

fucking monotony let them do that for a bit and just like and see what you have to do to make your pennies. Here's a question for you and just related to the clothes things.

I was having a debate with this with someone the other day. Do you wash your clothes, new clothes, before you put them on? No, but my mother does. She,

her clothes are your clothes? Not mine. Right, I'm sorry, I thought, well, that's what I thought. But she would have,

back in the day, yeah. Aye. See, because Cara does it with A son's Clothes Because obviously Like

He's got sensitive skin Yeah You don't know what happens In like the Between of something being delivered It's built in a Fucking factory somewhere There's chemicals

There's just fibres in it Yeah Just get it Get it washed But I mean Aye I've

I've done horrible things I've had these jeans For two years I don't think They've been through the washing Aye I don't I'm like That's a really

I just There's some things That I'm just like I'm not Not only can I not be arsed Doing that I also just Maybe it's a self respect thing

Like You know I don't iron my clothes Because in my head I'm like I'm not fucking spending An hour Just

Ironing something I'm about to put on Aye There's a handful of things Like If I'm ironing I'm going to win Yeah

There we're going Yeah Yeah There's even been I think I ironed A t-shirt before I went on stage The other day Oh no I couldn't find it

And I gave up on it I was like I was going to do the Playhouse not the Playhouse what do we do the Armadillo yeah the SEC

and I had a I had a nice polo shirt white polo shirt and I was just like oh it's a bit creasy now and it's under harsh light and I was like it's a big gig

making effort and my effort was chucking three cupboards you're like this is what the people of Glasgow deserve and then I was like well

looks like I'm going to be creased then and you know what it's fine would you does Natalie

iron stuff no not even like when she was at work didn't really the iron board's rarely out in

our house I see that was the thing I had this like fucking secret hole I'm like fucking and it's I imagine Kath was was the thing. I had this fucking secret hope. I'm like, fucking. And I imagine Kath was having the exact same thing.

We were two people in a relationship when we started living together, just being like, fuck, I hope that cunt gets into Ireland. Some people like it. Man, I... Some people find it therapeutic. I find it fucking therapeutic to do...

Man, I like doing the dishes. And also, man, I can listen to my food. Loading the dishwasher, you mean? No, no. Like actually physically doing the dishes? Yeah, yeah. Well, I like doing the dishes and also man I can listen to my food loading the dishwasher you mean? like actually physically doing the dishes I'll load the dishwasher but if you've cooked because there are rules to what can and can't oh yeah you didn't put enough stick pans in there I mean sometimes I do

you know what if I'm like I want to set this away but there's a bit more room one little spin won't hurt the wok. No. So, but, and man, you've got all Caelan's fucking shit after heat. You can't put his stuff through the dishwasher. You'd have like wooden spoons in there, do you?

Wooden spoons cannot go into a fucking dishwasher in which water is drenched. He doesn't even put his clogs in the washing machine. It expands and it contracts and it ruins you put a fucking wooden chopping board you've put several of my wooden chopping boards into dishwashers and then you're like why why are your chopping boards all wavy and bent i'm like because you drown them in boiling hot water. Right? That's why rain isn't boiling, like... Grow up. Grow up! I have a nice job in boards.

That is growing up. You grow up. So anyway, you're late to the washing and all that. Maybe I should, maybe instead of just waiting for Cara to get into it,

maybe I should just... Be there in a guy. Well, because, man, I could just sit and fucking listen to my book and I do like that. People who eye on their bedding really stand by eyeing on their bedding, but how am I?

You know, like, I sometimes, like, look at me day. It's like, these fucking... How long are you awake? 16 hours if you've had a good night, right? There's just 16 hours, right? I'm going to spend one hour

of that wagging a dog, right? In the morning and then maybe one later on and then I'm doing 14 hours, right? And then, and I'll try and use them hours

to put some podcasts on and some shit as well. Put an hour of that in the gym, right? I'm fucking, as soon as you chip away, put your meals in, right?

There's shites and all that, right? Chip away, you're doing the single figures for your hours. Motherfucker, are you taking one of them hours for me to hand bend?

Not in a million years. I can't even fold bed. Fucking years, are you taking one of them hours out of my day? I'm dying. Like, I'm not diagnosed with anything,

but you know, I've got a life expectancy. And if in that one hour, I can watch fucking an episode of Andor, I mean, I could do that while I was hanging on Andor. I mean, I could do that while I was hanging in the bed.

I mean, that's what I'm... But no. I'm suddenly coming to the realisation that we... Maybe ironing is the way forward. It's just so... I don't know.

It's also... It's not... Man, you don't have to be good at washing dishes. Like, you just... If you just do the...

If you wash dishes long enough, they'll eventually be clean. There's faster ways to do them. There's more fucking efficient ways to do it. But if you were to just not honestly do this, whatever you're cleaning will eventually end up clean. That's not true for ironing. The means doesn't justify the ends. You can iron a bit of fucking shit.

Normalise creases. Aye. Normalise creases. What are we, who are we doing it for and I mean it does like you know I think that's the next stage

of like you know how you know fat people are allowed to model clothes now and like the plus size thing there was never any you know

even mannequins they never had it was always just the skinny fucking fit people right and good we're making progress people come in different sizes

we can show that we can cater to all of these fucking people you can't have all of these fucking people. Don't fucking iron the ones on the mannequin. Like, let's, you know, these people, people who iron this, you know, back when there was nothing to do. Back when you were like a stay-at-home wife, because it was the 1920s, and your job was to just keep your husband running, so you ironed everything, and you were bored, because there wasn't any television. It was fine back then, there's heaps of shit to do now and now everyone

that irons i think has some level of autism and there's a there's a small portion of people who are listening to this podcast while doing the ironing because it's a perfect time to listen to a podcast isn't it yeah um so so you guys i mean you're not gonna look class when you put that on you're gonna look better than we do without doing that but but however you're going to look class when you put that on. You're going to look better than we do without doing that. But however, you're making us look bad. Yeah, yeah. If the rest of the world could just lower its standards instead of us improving ourselves, well, then we'd be the United States of America.

Got him! Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. What else are you negligent of? Oh, chores-wise. Aye. What else are you negligent of? Chores wise Aye Oh well we've got We've got a cleaner now And there's like

How are you for curtains? Do you close the curtains at night and open them in the morning? The ones in our bedroom Aye What about like Do they downstairs? Do you just have like When are we going downstairs?

I say don't Nah You've got new neighbours I'll just Just Watching you Watching the telly It's fine

The good thing is We can't really watch television During the day Because there's so much Light Natural light In our house And we have a projector

So like You know what I was going to question you about your setup you've got like you've got this belt-a-fucking-projector it's like a 4K projector

so it doesn't matter how fucking big it is and it's massive you're not going to lose any of the fucking clarity on the picture I read which is so great to have but you haven't

you haven't dealt with the light pollution in your house, so you can only watch it in the winter. No, no, you can watch it at night at any time. No, no, but if in Scotland, during the summer, you get like four hours of night time. No, no, there's not. It does mean like light until ten at night.

You can watch it after, during the summer, there's enough fucking light in there. Yeah, get some of them fucking... You know how I built a summer, there's enough fucking light in there that you can, eight, seven, eight. get some of them fucking, just like what you get, you know, I built a hotel as well,

there's a fucking button and I just press it and it blacks out. I know, but that's another one of those things where I'm just like, that's going to be from some company called Rich Wanker Blinds. Aye.

Right, and I like, it's one of those things where I'm like, I can't take it. Treat yourself to Rich Wanker Blinds, man. Treat yourself,

I see you as watching a telly, just like things where I'm like, I can't take it. Treat yourself to Rich Wanker blinds, man. Treat yourself. I see you're watching telly, and I'm like, is anyone going to point out that you're not really watching this? You're just listening to it. And then, that's what I want to get to. You listen to it through the fucking projector speaker. You've got this built-up projector putting 4K on your wall, and you've got this tiny little fucking LCD fucking speaker. Yeah, absolutely fine. Man, it's just, man, no.

Nah, man. Man, every time I watch Inception or anything, man, could not, like, it adds to the experience, but it adds 3% to the experience for me. No, no, no. I swear, like, I got new headphones, like, a year ago, and they've literally changed, like, I've listened to songs that I listened to for six years, and you just changed my opinion with this argument about songs even watching films there's just so much clarity you miss so much for the film there's like so much shit going on and you're just hearing like the the action's happening way over there because it's a massive fucking setup right you've

got a big room right it's happening way over there and then so he starts the fucking car engine and he can hear like and you're like why can't i just hear the thing from where it's coming from the worst thing about the cinema is how fucking loud it is i don't mind like if i was talking to you now right but my voice was coming from over there i'd be like this is pissing us off would you just have the voice coming from no I did I but yeah there was just a funny noise perfectly timing perfect timing on the

on the audio you'd just be a bit annoyed by it you'd be like why the fuck is it not coming from the thing that it's meant to be coming from because that's why speakers on telly are fine

because the speakers are on the telly you've just put your sound for the thing you're watching all the way over there I'm not to do it to do it and then my brain goes are on the telly you've just put your sound for the thing you're watching all the way over there to no end and then my brain goes

this is what he's saying like and then I watch the movie that doesn't it doesn't make any sense this is what you've done right what you've done is get in a fucking Lamborghini right

but you're like but look it gets from here to be with a fucking Corsa engine so I'll just have a Corsa engine and it looks like I've got a Lamborghini but look I'm still getting to the shop I fucking Corsa engine, so I'll just have a Corsa engine. And it looks like I've got a Lamborghini,

but look, I'm still getting to the shop. I'm still going to get there. But it just doesn't have the power, and it doesn't have all the things and the joy. It sounds the colour of the car. I wouldn't have gone for lime green. I'm like, I don't care. Sounds one of the most important things. To you, maybe.

I watch fucking subtitle stuff all the time. Like, that's how I watch things. I'm concerned. I can tell why. You might not have to do that anymore. No, man. I'm not. I'm not getting fucking speakers.

And also, we don't want to watch TV during the day. If we can, we go through to the snook. That's not. But no, man. I just don't know why you're robbing yourself. I look at you and I just go, he's absolutely robbing himself of a nice experience It depends on which films they're going

So close So close to having a good cinematic enjoyment Well I mean feel free to pay someone To come round and put speakers in But nothing could interest me You could get PC speakers Plug them in But then it's so fucking loud and there's a baby upstairs

And people are in other rooms I had a show through a projector in my flat and I just got some PC speakers and fucking I think they were like 50 quid I was trying to plug them in and the difference of it

because that's not I don't even know why they've got a speaker like that it's probably for when you're doing presentations or something and there's just like some kind of like fucking doink noise

on the no I imagine I imagine the speaker's good enough they're not gonna I wonder if when they're like day in the fucking

shooting the film and they've got like the fucking boom mic and they've got all this fucking amazing thousands of pounds worth audio equipment I wouldn't have to do that

if they just knew what people were doing with it at the other end what what basically just record on your iPhone to me this is literally

you're complaining about how I fucking make a cup of tea and I'm like nothing could matter to me less I'm pulling you complaining about how I fucking make a cup of tea and I'm like nothing could matter to me less I'm pulling you

on how you could get a lot more enjoyment out of something that you're almost there with I think you're

assuming I get a level of enjoyment from something you get a level of enjoyment from no but you're like arguing

you're like oh I could watch a film in black and white it's just as good no it's not you're losing like so much information

no no no I'm not like the information I'm losing is the car's over there but it sounds like it's coming from there yeah but there's like a simple one is but how can the car be there if it's behind me there I don't understand this movie

no no no you've got a thing here. This is like we're discovering something about, you know how some people are colourblind? No. Is it tone deaf? No, that's like for singing and stuff. No, but like from a speaker, right? If you have two speakers, you get left and right audio.

All audio is on two tracks. You can get directional audio. But to what end? Because you're watching a film to be immersed in it, so having something be on the left side of the screen, hearing it from the left, and then it adds so much more. I remember fucking Brett sent this into the group a while ago,

and you had to get two sets of headphones on, and then they did the exact thing, where they made it sound like a car was driving around you. And I'm like, this is so boring to me. Like, that doesn't add any shit. But you know, like, if you're in a film and you've got it, like, widescreen so it fills your peripheral vision

because you care about stuff, that's part of the immersion, which is why you've got a big telly, right? So if then something, like, explodes behind you in the car and then you can hear it behind you, why would you not want that? And why, if it's something happening in front, if the gunshots go over there and whoosh over your head...

Yeah, but for games as well. But I'm not in the movie. And I don't play games on that computer. On that TV. All right, but... And I'm not saying I've got all that stuff. I listen to the fucking stuff with the screen of my telly. But, like, I haven't got the setup you've got.

No. But it's like we bought microphones there's microphones for the podcast rather than using the camera yes but wait but if you listen to the audio quality of this podcast over the years it's nothing i've ever given a shit about yeah i know but on the receiving end i would you use like a shitty pair of earphones to listen to music or would you prefer using a nicer pair no you've got a nice pair of headphones no no i've got a nice pair of headphones so i can wear them on airplanes people don't talk to me so you just see sounders on and off aye there you even see quality in it i don't

like live music i don't like i mean like some songs it's not audio is not stimulating for me unless it's the words itself so you know when somebody like goes out of like what you would consider to be an ugly person, would you expect that person to be like, well, it's just a person, isn't it? It's got a mouth and nose and eyes and ears. I don't think that works. But you do know the difference between something that's attractive and something that's unattractive. I'm just trying to appeal to you with something that you do see a scale of.

I'm trying to appeal to you on something that you understand you know the difference between quality levels of a thing yeah but that does not add to my quality if I was to sit in front of a fucking screen and it would be like oh my god I heard that person shout from over there and it sounded like it was coming

from over there but that person shouted and it sounded like it was coming from over there. But that person shouted from over there and it sounded like, man, my eyes did that. But what about just on a basic level, is like the sound's coming from a screen with really good quality or like it's coming from the area that you're watching in really good quality or it's coming from like a baby monitor behind you?

Man, I don't hear it. I think you're dissing the fucking projector there. No, the projector speaker is just a projector speaker. They didn't make themselves... They're not a speaker company. They're a projector company. Well, the TV company is just a TV company. It's like when you get a slice of pizza from Gregg's.

It's not going to be the best. No, I imagine if they're making a 4K thing, they put some effort into the fucking sound. They're not just like and then any and then any fucking speaker there's dedicated audio equipment that's the point of a speaker

is it's the dedicated sound part this is quite a strange little part of you this man bring it up with Cara and see if she gives a shit because it's like you could still enjoy a movie

obviously but it's just like an extra layer of Putting a spoiler on your car No Aye for me Nah I think if you went to a fucking

Venue and had A shitty mic and shitty speakers And when you were doing a soundtrack it sounded tinny You'd be annoyed that yeah that your audience that were being let down by the audio when you're actually trying to put like a fucking really good experience in them for them and then they've got like this really tacky audio i think you do see the difference between good audio and bad audio because on a professional level if it was lacking you'd absolutely spot it so So when you're thinking about your own entertainment... But what I would spot is

I cannot hear the words you are saying. There's never at any point, I've been watching a movie, been like well, fuck knows what that explosion was or fuck knows what he said there. I understand everything that's happening. I hear the sounds, the quality of the sounds.

I would notice if I was missing it. You could watch a film in like garbage quality and see a shitty explosion and see all the pixels and you can tell an explosion's happening

and be like I would prefer this if I could see the detail I can still watch the football in SD but I'd rather not yeah I'd rather

I'd watch it in SD and I can tell what's happening yeah but visuals important visuals because man I don't know I don't notice a fucking difference in the quality.

This is like people who say that vinyl does sound better than whatever. I'm like, couldn't give a shit. Couldn't give a shit. If you're able to get to a level where recorded stuff from an iPod sounds different to vinyl, good for you. Could not. Difference between fucking tap water and still water. I think you've got a deaf spot.

I think you've got a deaf spot i think you've got a blind spot in your um i mean maybe it would i mean it would explain my taste of music it's like i think you're only hearing like 2d or something i don't know like maybe i don't know but i just oh i can't like nothing matters to me i'd be more concerned about what i was sitting on all right yeah i, I mean... Fair enough. Aye. I just... It was noteworthy, though. Like, I do think it was worth pointing out that, like, you've got this belt I set up, but you listen to a dude with a tin can.

Nah. Nah? Nah. Do you think one day... Do you think there's a possibility that one day, right, like, say, suppose Cullen's noticed it, right? Which I don't know if he has.

And he just thinks one day, like, he's done an advert or something. He's got a bit of money. And he's like, it's been fucking good. It was while I've lived here. I'm going to fucking get a really nice fucking Dolby 7.1 sound system. Right? I'm going to set it all up in the house. Do you think one day you're going to be watching a film and you'll just...

Is there a potential that you'd go, Oh, aye. I mean, well, I mean mean I've sat in IMAX yeah yeah but like but that's visually that's visually better the audio doesn't do

yeah but there's like whole there's hundreds of people in each film that work only on the audio that's how important it is oh yeah oh boo

fuck and there's and there's people who can paint things that I don't want to fucking look at yeah I know but like

there's people who do there's That I don't want to fucking look at Yeah I know but like There's really good jazz musicians And I would rather they shot me dead Than do what they do in front of me I feel like That has an element of subjectivity to it though And I feel like audio quality is a bit more Objective I mean maybe, maybe I'm autistic

I didn't want to back into that corner here. You're acoustic. Oh, there it is. But no, man. Why have you got Cara Ugly written on the whiteboard in my handwriting? Well, she tried to to she's been spending too much time with you so she's

and Colin so she's been trying to fucking spin shit are you saying that yeah absolutely 100%

you're saying that we're bad influences on your fiance and she's a dreadful influencer you're all terrible for each other since

so what's she spinning now she needs to get passport photos and man you know when your partner cares about something and you don't and there's that thing where they're like can you come over here and you're like no

no I can't when I'm interested in something I'll be interested. Am I interested in our wedding plans? Most of them, yes. I'll be interested in this. Are you interested in audio quality? I'm not coming over there.

It's not my interest. Enjoy it as much as you like. I'm not wavering. She's like, are these passport photos good? I'm like, yeah, any one. She's like, why? They both look like you. Yeah, she's like, but my eyebrows are raising that one

I'm like okay it's your face she's like which one I'm like middle one she's like

your shirt I'm like it's not going on Instagram it's a fucking passport photo don't kid I can't go on

and I can see you want me to have an opinion but I don't want to give you a false opinion because I don't want to you know that's important to but I don't want to give you a false opinion because I don't want to, you know, that's important to you I don't want to just be like, yeah, that one, whatever so, your decision, which one?

that one, fine it takes ages to fucking print out, and it comes out and the picture comes out, and I just smile at it I think my fiance is a very attractive person, and the picture comes out and that was her face in that moment of time when the photo was taken, yeah, and also like, if I try and look at herself through her eyes which are wrong in this

sense i'm like all right well i guess i might i guess she's mad that she's not smiling in it but it's a passport photo like of course she doesn't look like a happy herself so it comes out and i still smile at it because that's my beautiful she was She was like, I can't believe you laughed at that. And I'm like, you'd know if I was laughing. Like I'm not, I don't have Jimmy Carr's laugh. But like.

Like I got some, I got some photos taken for like a, for press stuff and for me posters and Natalie was howling at me because I looked ridiculous in them. Because I was trying to pose.

Yeah. I did the exact same with the fucking photo shoot I did with Troy. I'm like, she's like, you look like an idiot. I'm like, I was trying to pose. Yeah. I did the exact same with the fucking photo shoot. I tried. I'm like, she's like, you look like an idiot. I'm like, I was trying to look like an idiot. And also, if I look like an idiot, most of them. She couldn't breathe for laughing.

Aye. How bad I look in these photos. It comes out, she's like, you laughed at that. I'm like, I absolutely did not laugh at this. But I know she does this thing. I'm like, like you and like Colin, the second she gets her version of a story in her head, she's like, and now this is the bit. This is the story I'm telling because if I'm a big, even though

we do exaggerate stories, I'm a big believer in truth. I fucking hate when people, I hate when you twist stories that make me look like the arsehole. You're doing one right now. I'm like, that's not what happened. I'm like, that's not what happened. No twisting this. I'm like, that's not what happened. I'm like, that's not what happened. Don't slander my fucking character through your lies for only a laugh that you'll get. And so you're costing my character

to the benefit of yours. It's such a horrific, it's the opposite of a suicide bomber. It's you take everything and you gain everything. I do not like it as a bet and I'm like you know what the best thing is to just fucking let it pass and then let it run and the more you bite the more you get reeled in

aye and man if you listen to this podcast you know I'm a biter to wait for my speech man so the thing with photos right is I sometimes look at my photos, like just, you know, candid shots, and I'm like, ugh, right? And then they'll pop up, like, Matt Ailders post one fucking ages later

I zoomed in on me on a group photo, right? And I'll be like, ah, fair one, right? But I am never in my life going to try and start curating that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's what I look like. This is the cold, hard reality. Not like, oh, i don't look i don't like how i look in that photo the photo didn't often made that's how you look yeah that

is how you look it got captured in that moment of time from that angle people see you from that angle all the time by the way so don't just go right it's got to be this angle the camera's got to be up there i've got to be smiling in this way boom right keep that one delete the rest of them because you're just that's not who you are aye store the person in all the photos you deleted

the best thing you can do is not delete them it's just get over it that's what you look like aye posting pictures of yourself on well not even

Instagram any fucking social media or just keeping them as you like I look terrible in this because sometimes I look terrible like that in this because sometimes I look terrible like that's just

hey sometimes I look dead handsome and there's I'll see the occasional photo of myself and I'm like I can see what Cara sees in me

like I can be like you know I know she likes who I am but sometimes I'm like okay I can see why she wants to fuck me and then there's other times where I'm like

has she no shame but I sleep with my mouth open and that's who she gets to see in the mornings. I think the soon-ating come in terms of what you look like in photos is just the fucking soon-ating and be happy leg. Well, I mean, that's something we discussed a bit in the last podcast, but it's like, what are you willing to do?

When your body's deteriorating, what are you willing to do to stop it? Like, if you're getting older, people that go to the gym, I'm like, great, that's just you taking care of yourself a bit more. are you willing to do when your body's deteriorating what are you willing to do to stop it like you can like if you're getting older people that go to the gym i'm like right that's just you taking care of yourself a bit more giving yourself a longer life and even then that's got to be for you too you can't be doing that for how you look you've got to do it for how you feel but like injections and dying your gray bits i mean if you're going bald and you want hair i'm like that's fair enough because you are going to get bullied heaps and unless you're gay bald and you want hair I'm like that's fair enough because you aren't going to get bullied heaps and unless you're gay it's probably not going to work for you

I think it's nearly there with the hair stuff like the technology's nearly there like everybody that you see who's had it done like fucking Conte and Rob Holden and that like fucking even Rooney before his went bald again you go actually they've done a fucking decent job of that.

Imagine having such strong... It's probably just the price of it. That's the thing. Hereditary DNA for being bald. He went bald twice. They put a wig on you. He's so bald. He's so bald he went bald twice.

They put synthetic hair on you and even though nothing should be able to kill that, your bald spot was still like, how fucking dare you? I deserve the sun i think i i think it's it's fine to just let go like if your hair guns when you're older it's fine to just let it go and you're like if if i get in like my 40s and my hair starts fucking i mean it's already made a start but like it's it's gone. I'm like, I'm at an age now

where that's all right. You know, if someone's in their 20s and their fucking hair's starting to go, just fucking kind of turkey. Just kind of sort it out. Treat yourself. You'll feel classed with it.

But what about their big white teeth, though? I don't know. I like the way I'm doing it. And I'm even in my 40s now where it doesn't, like,

none of it matters. I'm married, like, fucking, I'm trying to look attractive for one my 40s now where it doesn't like none of it matters I'm married like fucking I'm trying to look attractive for one person really and for my reflection me

and for you I thought I was the one person my adoring audience but you don't need to you don't need like you can just take your time with that

like at the gym you can be tantric about it I mean it's probably financially about the same I don't know how much it is to Go and get the I mean it's Probably financially about the same I don't know how much it is To go and get your teeth taken out

And put back in In Turkey But But there's an option there Where you don't have to What you could do If you want half the price Is before you fly into Turkey

Just like go out to a bar Start saying like horrific things To everyone in that bar Get them to knock your teeth out And then Just go to Turkey for the replacement Because surely half the price is Taking them out taking them out

just date a silly jackass she's a door you know how they do it like occasionally when a kid needs to lose a tooth they like tie some string around it and do it in creative ways like slam a door or tie it to a fucking firework back on to your mother just being like is dinner ready

is it actually this time or are you just bringing us down that's that's It's been like dinner already. Is it actually this time or are you just bringing us down? This is the most, what's the word for it? Disrespectful complaint you're going to ever have. My missus does it. She tells us my dinner's ready. And she's made me dinner. Daniel, she's made me dinner. she's made me dinner she chopped stuff

I'm in my office doing some fucking admin right sometimes you're just playing computer games sometimes I'm just fucking posting stuff on social media

and pretending I'm working because I've got a fucking public profile yeah right so I'll just be sat there on my phone half of my emails

and all that I can smell me dinner she's a good cook and that's gonna be dead nice and I'm going dinner's ready and I'll be like right Felly byddaf yn bod yn sefyll yno ar fy ffôn, hanner o fy e-bostau a phethau hynny. Gallaf ddysgu fy ddinas, mae hi'n bwysig iawn. Mae hi'n dda. Ac mae hynny'n mynd i fod yn dda iawn. Ac rydw i'n mynd i ddinas, a byddaf yn dweud, iawn, byddaf yn hysgrifennu'r peth yn gyflym. Ac fe fyddaf yn postio'r peth, fe fyddaf yn ei rwstio, ac fe fyddaf yn dweud, iawn, gallaf wneud y e-bost hwnna yn ddiweddar. Fe fyddaf yn mynd i'r llawr.

Mae hi'n dal i'r pan. Yr un peth mwyaf anodd i mi ei wneud. Ac fe wnaeth i fynd i... it's the most disrespectful thing and I just I didn't have to go did she say it was ready because she thought I was going to take longer

coming through is this my fault did she give us a bit of a like it's ready and that means you can wrap up what you're doing yep do you think it's just

the difference between definitions of ready because like Carol goes to me, are you ready? And I'm like, I can be ready in five minutes

but I'll say to her, are you ready? She'll be like, yeah. And then it's still another 10 minutes before we leave. She's like,

I'm ready to go. What she means is I've got my things, I need to go but she's not putting her jacket, putting her shoes and the other things. And as well,

I get with that. If she's like, are you ready? And I'm like, I can just be ready, just tell us when we're leaving I'm ready and then I'll get in the car

and I'll go oh I forgot my case for my teeth I'm going to need my phone charger and I'll run back in and get something so I kind of get that like with me personally like I get that

when I'm ready but with the food but with the food stuff I'm just like you're like this is I'm sorry look

every other part of the service has been sweet it's food stuff I'm just like You're like This is I'm so Look Every other part Of the service Has been sweet It's been amazing I'm not going to complain I'll talk about it On a podcast That you might want

To listen to And I have about Six episodes behind And this is going to Probably be around About like January February So I get to enjoy

Your cooking till then But it's such a funny thing that like like I heard hey get her get her back next time she's giving you head

just well before just be like I'm gonna come alright and then way way before way before five minutes

I was listening to what's got you what's upset you now aye with Paul McCaffrey and Sean Walsh, and they had John Richardson on as a guest.

He just like, you know when someone just gets you with something really cathartic? Yeah, yeah. And it's, when we wave to each other for a cup of tea, she holds the handle and hands me the cup of tea. And I think, because she's just made you a cup of tea, you can't complain about it. But I'm just like, ah, ah, ah, ah! And I put like, because she's just made you a cup of tea, you can't complain about it. But I'm just like, ah, ah, ah, ah.

And I put it down, and then she grabs the soft. And I'm just like, look, just put it, like you can't give instructions to someone that's made you something. But like you can, just put it down there, and then when I need it I'll use the handle or like what I might

just start doing is just like slip my fingers in well can you not get your fingers out oh one of us

should have thought this through no just do it to me like she does thank you just have her

stand there oh thank you these are like The far extreme When your diamond shoes are too tight When you complain about somebody who's provided you a free service Be fair That would be like

Natalie can you just pass me the knife please Sure Ding Thank you Oh I guess she passed it she did pass the knife this is actually this is the people who

do bad reviews on a podcast that isn't that they didn't pay for aye aye they just listened to you make a thing and they went shite that I have to tell them. What shows do we have coming up? We are going to be in London

multiple times, by the way, because it keeps selling out, which is class. So the rollover is for the... But they're not like back to back to back? No. So London this Friday and then...

So you can't come to that one unless you've got a ticket. And then... Newcastle? Newcastle. I think that's sold out and've got a ticket. And then... Newcastle. Newcastle. I think that's sold out, and maybe have a chat. Is that at the City Hall?

I think that's at the City Hall. That's quite a big gig for me. I like that. You know how we do, you can collect venues, can't you? You can be like, oh, we've done the Beacon and the Apollo and the Wilba.

There's certain venues where you're like, that's a shiny. Aye. The Edinburgh Playhouse. The Edinburgh you're like that's a shiny aye the Edinburgh Playhouse Edinburgh Playhouse that's a shiny Newcastle City Hall that's a shiny for me

I don't know if it'll have quite as much effect but I'm like that's a fucking that's a nice that's a that's a like a toon venue

I haven't done yet oh well in that case maybe by the sounds of things it's definitely not sold out so if you're in Newcastle come to that because I also knew it was just where we

normally are I know where we normally are I know but we normally do it multiple times at the Journal Time Theatre so I think they've just went we'll get them all in in one venue and then also

we're in Galway which is it's selling fine but it's not great so if you're in there come to the Galway Comedy Festival and then Dublin as well sold out

cool as roll dates see a lot of you there then peace bye Cool. Agile dates. See a lot of you there then. Peace. Bye.