Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.40: Leboneezer Scrooge

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

Muggins and Cream are packing up for Canada with a whisky and a spliff. Kai goes glasses shopping alone and ages himself 15 years. Daniel empathises with Kara for changing her signature. They contemplate Superman's opinion of us all.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? I found out something devastating the other day.

Devastating for me. I don't think you would find it devastating. I think you would be quite excited by the prospect of it. It's devastating. Devastating, so I'm being... You're being dramatic. But if you've watched me do anything, you're aware of how strong my opinions on this thing will be.

Is it in the league of... Like, if you got to suck a rem, you're like, oh, God, I've got to go and suck a rem. Like, you'd be devastated by it, even though it's a good thing. Yes, yes. And I'd be like, oh, sweet, that's cool. Yes, yes. Very similar vein in terms of the feeling of like,

oh God fucking damn it. That's going to suck. Everyone's going to be happy, but I'm going to be silently miserable for illogical reasons. Oh, is it sports related? No. Is it going to be career related?

No. You're getting a whiskey? No, no. It's whiskey related. God, why would I be devastated? That's what I was thinking. I was like, is it because it's been tainted so much by Conor McGregor going down the route of proper 12

and just making his whole personality marketing this whiskey? And you're like, but he is a billionaire. No, no, like, man, I say a lot of, you know, I would never do this on this podcast. I can tell you fucking straight up. I absolutely, at one point in my life, aim to have a whiskey or be an ambassador for a fucking whiskey.

Like, it's just, that would be a passion project. Like, I, in Fife, well, in fact, all over Scotland, right? There's lots of gin in Scotland. And the reason there's lots of gin in Scotland is because you can make gin in like fucking seven days, right? And you can just continuously make gin and produce it in mass amounts and you can make gin in like fucking seven days right and you can just continuously make gin and produce it in mass amounts and you can flavor and whatever but what all gin distilleries in Scotland actually are is they're just placeholders for whiskey these people

are distilling this alcohol and they're selling it immediately in gin form to keep profits up and keep making money but what the actual project is is in the back normally aging in several different types of barrels are seven different types of whiskey and you know in the next fucking 10 years you'll see a lot of gin companies in scotland disappear and a whole bunch of new uh whiskey distilleries come out which is very exciting so you know when we were on your best bitch night out where that you can organize when we met you had a whiskey distillery and got some whiskeys in and they had like this is the moonshine one it's like a couple years old or something like they're just like you're a startup company and you've got to sell something

yeah yeah they're like it's it's brand new it's whiskey that's as new as we are um so and because distilling is becoming easier because it's more viable because smaller places can outdo it smaller companies can out do it smaller companies can now do it because you know there's enough people want diversity in the fucking market um i reckon in the next 10 20 years like i will invest in whiskey i'll just buy you can do this thing with whiskey where you can with these startup companies they are trying to make money so what they'll do is they'll sell you a cask of whiskey, right? Which is like 230 bottles worth of whiskey. You buy it for a grand, two grand, five grand,

depending on what type of whiskey and what distillery. And then in 10 years' time, hopefully you have questions. I've just had a disturbing thought about this whole industry. Go on. Climate change, mate, fuck it. You don't even see whiskey distilleries in Spain. And what if Scotland just gets to a temperature where you can make grape in fucking vineyards?

Am I too far ahead here? You're too far ahead and also you don't understand what Scotland has been doing very secretly for the past 40 years. Building high-rise hotels on the beaches. For the Spanish stag do's to come over. And also, we've been building a smaller, better Scotland

50 feet under Scotland. Like, it's all, it's all, there's nothing down there. And we're just waiting until it gets too warm. You're going to live like hobbits. Yeah, eventually. You're just going to go...

Hey, every single... Watch any fantasy fucking movie or novel. Every dwarf is Scottish, right? It's true. We're just going back. It's true. I've got two champions. They're all halfen. Aye, there's true. We're just going back. It's true that I've got ginger beards. They're all halfen.

Aye, there's no women. The ones that are are sink to the rocks. So we've built a new Better Scotland. It's as dark and as sunny as this one currently is. So not much different there in employment. When you go through climate change, you're just moving all the pockets of gas and oil that you've moved on.

Which is out at sea, by the way, so both move. Hey, that's why we've been getting rid of it. Oh, the sea will be gone by then. Oh, tripped out. So you'll have Scotland the size of a continent, but just with a scorched middle, like Australia. Picture the sea level. Wait, no, yeah. Picture the sea levels as like a

time measure. So what happens is the sea levels are going to rise, right? A bunch of people are going to drown, and then it's all going to fucking dry up because it's all going to evaporate. That's what we're preparing for. That's why we dig the oil in the sea so that our bunkers are full of sea level. It's a thousand year plant.

You're going to give it the beans about how high our highlands are and that there's like, the waters went out. Am I going to? The high highlands. The highlands are just the... Am I going to have to go through

that excruciating episode of that podcast again where I had to explain the difference to you of the difference the tallest mountain in the world could be lower down height wise shut up man it's the tallest point there's a bit of water there

do you remember how I explained it to you about a pimple no about getting an erection in the bath Do you remember how I explained it to you? About a pimple? No, about getting an erection in the bath. Which is if you and me were lying in a bath and we both had erections and because your arse was bigger, your cock was higher out the water. My cock with my...

That's not fair, I have a flat arse. I've got a grey arse. If he had a nice voluptuous arse. A what? Voluptuous. Voluptuous arse. A what? Voluptuous. Oh, voluptuous. Sorry, I missed that. I'm pretty high, bud.

I mean, that was one puff. You didn't tell them that. Didn't tell them that, but I did pack it. Oh, you did, aye. It's like having a bong head. Aye, it keeps you going through the day. Oh, Christ, Bob. So,

there's, so when you invest in these whiskey casks, right, what happens is in like five or ten years' time, the company will either be like, hey, we're making so much fucking money, and now we've got a name for ourselves, we absolutely want to buy that cask that you bought off us back, because it's in their storage, right?

And we'll pay you four times the price, five times the price. So that's what you're investing in whiskey. So it's like money lending, but with whiskey. Yeah, yeah. I pay it back with interest. Yeah, yeah. Or the company folds or things don't go well for them. And in the worst case scenario, you have a cask of whiskey.

Like that to me, when that was explained to me i was like that's the soundest investment i have ever heard in my entire life you you bet on whiskey getting good right and if it does get good you can either keep it or make all of your money back and then just buy three bottles of it or yeah you're doing the trainer thing but you're not taking it out of its cellophane you're not wearing it yeah no no no it's not it feels a bit more fine to do that with whiskey yeah but it's not

in your house though like it would be like me buying a pair of Jordans and they are in Michael Jordan's house that's still in the shop yeah no no they're in Michael Jordan's house

right he gets to keep it yeah and in 10 years time Michael Jordan's like hey I I'm not a size 6 Daniel I'm like come on come on come on you are a size 6 yeah yeah. I'm like, come on, come on.

Come on, you are a size six. I've seen your little barbie fucking toes. Your little trotters. Tell me, are you so high like you've got a pair of pogo sticks? He would be someone I would, he would dust me at it, but I would love to go. Play basketball against him. Golf.

Yeah, of course. Of course he's good at golf. He's a really really really good golfer but man he is just that's what he went to do after Space Jam man that's what he was doing

in Space Jam that's what I meant after he jammed in the Space Jam I thought you meant like after Space Jam I didn't mean Space Jam the movie

I meant Space Jam the sporting event within the movie so all of these new whisky distilleries popping up going to be

popping up I'm definitely going to invest in some also if any one of them reaches out to me and is like hey do you want to be

shareholder or ambassador or whatever this I'll be like let me try it I'll make my decision let me fuck it but absolutely

I'm interested what's Rod Stewart's one called Rod Stewart's one called Rod Stewart is it whiskey yeah I and it was it was friends

and atleast that linked them up Matthew you've met them at the wedding oh it's not here by the wedding

I now mean my wedding Rod now that we've each had a wedding it's hard not to say the wedding Rod Stewart whiskey Wolfie's whiskey

oh yeah Wolfie's is called it Wolfie's he's called it Wolfie I don't know why Is that his dog's name? Oh it's only been released this year Yeah Oh that's interesting

Let's have a look at Matthew Editing photos of the bottle And shit There you go No way No way You know

Isn't it a bit louder Than what you would expect From Rod Stewart Like the bottle pattern And everything And the name of it The marketing I thought it would have been

something a little bit more like stately home, but he's fucking, he's went for the wild side. It's a fucking, it's a fucking Betty Boop tattoo. It looks like an alcohol pop. Man,

it's like, it's, no, but that there, that's a Betty Boop fucking tattoo. Is it actually? No. It looks like one.

You'd find a fucking wolf head tattoo on her body somewhere. I'm going to get a bottle of me. I mean mean I bought Conor McGregor's with you obviously I'll buy fucking Rod Stewart's he's actually Scottish

I'll support him and he was very and he was very very drunk on Scottish television doing the draw for the SFA Cup was it

doing the draw for the SFA Cup sorry the Scottish Cup go on YouTube pause the podcast right now highly recommend typing Rod Stewart

Scottish Cup draw it's just it's picking the teams that go against each other by picking balls out like they do in the World Cup and Euros and he is visibly steaming drunk he's a steamer like he's so drunk and having the time of his life he's not rude he's just

drunk and he's been asked to do this thing while he was steaming he was like yeah fuck it why not so good i've done everything i might as well you know continue to just do everything you know i am we're friends lauren was had normalized it so much that duncan was off fraternizing with rod stewart going everywhere with him going to events with him and stuff because he's like fucking he's the promoter for whiskey and she's at home with the kids like, fuck it. Are you fucking off to Canada or whatever? And do that. And he's like,

I put it, it's Rod Stewart. And that still doesn't change everything. It's tough at home. Who does there? But, uh, do I get the Rod Stewart pass?

Oh yeah, surely. Look, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not going to use my whole bus. I'm not going to fuck other women, but can I spend all of my time with Rod Stewart?

I'll see pictures of me kids. Text Rod. He'll show send pictures of me kids. Text Rod. He'll show me them on his phone. I don't want to be on my phone while I'm around Rod Stewart. So this whiskey guy I was talking to who was explaining all of this stuff to me, and we were just talking about whiskey in general, just having a decent chat.

He was like, in the next five to 10 years, some really really fucking good whiskey is going to start coming out of England and he alleges already has

you've been fucking done you've been done you're not going to be you're not going to be better at it this is this is

this is the reverse of the football situation like you can come in and play the game but what a prank if somebody has conned you on to think that England

are going to create good whiskey and you've bought it on just a joke. No, no. Someone throwing an imaginary bow for a dog. No, he was from a foreign country and English was his second language.

He had no need. He had no ulterior motive. And he loved whiskey and he was like... Maybe a podcast listener that just knew the perfect crime. Well, he also wasn't Scottish so he didn't care that Scottish... Like, for him, he just loves whiskey. So he's like, a podcast listener that just knew the perfect crime well he also wasn't scottish so he didn't care that scottish like for him he just loves whiskey so he's like

he doesn't have any loyalty to scottish whiskey or irish whiskey or japanese whiskey or fucking czech whiskey he's like i love whiskey and i'm telling you as a whiskey lover and what's his um what's he basing this on um the fact that we'll get good at everything eventually, put my mind to it. Democracy? I haven't put my mind to that. We're never going to put my mind to that. But if we did, the best democracy. Also, to say democracy like that in that tone about the UK when Americans and Indians listen to this.

Yes. And by the way, am I comparing those two countries democracies I absolutely am I absolutely fucking am except Modi doesn't have the power of Fox News behind him that in bit on it

he probably does actually doesn't he probably who attacking Modi is the who's Modi I was going to say I didn't know

I was just going to go along with it Modi that's the guy he's the guy he's the guy he's like a tech startup guy hey

say only say only nice things about him we have an interview I was just going to go along with it. Maudie. That's the guy. He's like a tech startup guy. Hey, hey, hey. Say only nice things about him. We have an Indian tour coming up next year. He's a lovely man. I didn't think they'd say tech startup was an insult. No, I meant, I was stopping. I was putting it in there. Well, his parents obviously wanted him to be a doctor or a lawyer.

Yeah, that's true. Sorry for your stereotypes. I'm sorry they're class. I'm sorry that you're stereotypes. Is there pressure put on you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I shouldn't have put that one in. You could have been, like, you know, the positive racism thing.

Where you're just like, I've got big dicks. Not the Indians. We'll move on from that. I'm trying to parallel with black people right now. Little dicks. Actually, I don't know. I don't think I've ever talked with an Indian's dick Chinese get a bad rap

yeah you know if you're talking stereotypes Chinese little dicks I can't even see I've seen one seen a few black ones I've got the internet

they're big bud have you seen Japanese dicks nah nah no no more Japanese porn I've not

there was always a white dude oh Nah. Nah? Nah. Anymore Japanese porn? I've enough. There was always a white dude. Oh. Then it's not Japanese porn. Then it's just porn with a Japanese chick. Or a guy. So, yeah. If England starts producing whiskey,

because I love whiskey. I should be him. I should be him. I should be like him. I love whiskey. I really like whiskey. Do I like... Am I proud that Scotland's very good? Is it? Absolutely.

With that, that's also one of the reasons. It's something you can do in the shadows. Nobody's going to know you've done that, apart from the fact you just broadcast it to the podcast. Like, it's one of them where it's, it's not like you're endorsing it. You're betting on it. No, no, no.

I'm not. Sorry, you've misconstrued me here. No, I'm not. I'm saying I'm with you. You're not endorsing it. You're betting on it. No, no, I'm not. Sorry, you've misconstrued me here. No, I'm saying I'm with you. You're not endorsing it. No, no, but I'm also, when I say I'm going to invest in whiskey, regardless of what this man said, I'm not investing in English whiskey.

Oh, I thought you said you were. No, no, no, no, no. I thought that was the whole thing. No, no, stop. Something else is happening, but I hate it. No, no, no. I've misconstrued that. Aye, aye.

No, no, no. So my thing- I didn't just bid out Matthew. Everyone thinks that he's buying English whiskey. I'm just annoyed that England is going to be producing whiskey and I'm going to have to do some growing as a person. Are you suggesting me to do it? I mean, you could buy English whiskey.

There's probably a fucking whiskey, an upstart whiskey in Newcastle. Because let's be honest, what have you cunts done since brown ale ooh fuck all it even nada

look zilch fire us from being a jolly for saying this but brown ale didn't taste good I don't think it was meant to it tastes like battery acid

I mean I'll have one everywhere I am away from home yeah if I see somewhere if you're in somewhere like Scandinavia and you see a brown ale

in the you've got to have it oh man that's like but I never can to me that's like you drink your choice drinking Newcastle pale ale in a place that isn't

not even pale it's like treacle black yeah yeah sorry brown ale Newcastle brown ale to drink Newcastle brown ale in a country and a place that isn't Newcastle

is like eating seafood in a landlocked country. Surely it doesn't get better the further away it goes. Like, you know, the only reason that's surely ever in a bar abroad is because that's an expat fucking bar. And they're like, right, we're just going to need to bring these people in. But you think there's going to be a good whiskey coming to the tune? Man, there could be. And if you're going to fucking invest in anything. And if there's going to be a good whiskey coming to the tune? Man there could be and if you're going to fucking invest in anything

And if there's going to be an English whiskey it's going to be probably like Northumberland or something won't it? I don't know man you can do, you can, like whiskey distilling has become simpler than it was, there are smaller versions of everything available to the same sort of degree

listen to a man who's clearly had a conversation with another man about whiskey and is just passing all that information on. You know, like whenever you talk to Andrew Maxwell after he's read a book. Yeah, you know something about books. You've never read it. You've never read it, but you're quoting it to people.

But Maxwell, whenever he reads something new, will tell you about the thing. He's done his own good as well. He's imparting that knowledge on us but he's also reinforcing it in his brain he did exceptional

on Mastermind Celebrity Mastermind his major topic was Lebanon that was it yeah yeah yeah and he just read

a whole bunch of it and started telling people about it and he kept in his fucking head and I think it's a very impressive thing Maxwell is

so Lebanese as Scrooge will call him I'm going to do one of them at every podcast now yeah I think it's a very impressive thing. Maxwell is so... Lebanese Ascrouge, we'll call him. I'm going to do one of them at every podcast now. Yeah. Remember the Kremlin?

Aye. And then Evan... What did I say again? Lebanese Ascrouge. Yeah. Aye, that one. So basically... You know, a pun that just stops the conversation dead. Not for a laugh.

It's got... Just like a... Is it... Well, I was going to say, is the Kremlin a place? Or is it just the... The government, is it? Yes.

Is it not the government buildings? I think it's the government buildings. You know how we say loads of stuff that we don't understand? Yeah, people don't... Just to get through life. You know how you get, oh, the Kremlin went like that, right?

Aye, what is the Kremlin? I think we're right. I think it is the building it's like saying parliament so you're talking about the body of people and the building yeah

I think so and if that is the case and you're going to keep this pun thing up you've done it in two places if the Kremlin is a place then Kremlin to the Kremlin was a pun on a place

and then Lebanese or Scrooge was also a pun on a place that's what you have to keep up oh man stipulations the name Kremlin means

fortress inside a city so yeah it's the it's the building so it's parliament I think that's if we're wrong

feel free to correct us we'll might read it do you ever read do people correct us have they just surrendered oh yeah yeah people correct us people are like fucking whatever? Oh yeah, yeah, people correct us.

People are like, fucking whatever you do, don't put alcohol up your arse, it won't pass through your kidneys or your liver or something. Some of you are such dads. You are such fucking dads sometimes. It's just like, whoa, different tax privileges. That's the thing that's going to murder you.

I mean, I'd be arid. As a person who admitted he was too stoned after one hit of a spliff I well I have a question

how are you how are you feeling about this upcoming Canadian tour you know what it's I've always been looking forward to it

but there's never been a... I don't think I've processed that it's happening and I don't think I will until I get there. It's going to be class, but I haven't given too much of my mind at all. I haven't been looking forward. I haven't not been looking forward to it. Does that make sense?

But I haven't been thinking into the future about it until it was right on top of us. I think it's because me 40th was before that and Matty's stag do was before that and me two hours before that. There was always things that were up ahead and then Canada's just landed on what tonight, packed just a second ago.

I think it's going to be unbelievable. I mean, I'm excited to go to places I've not been before. It's a new territory we've got kinda we're going to new territories in Canada we've dipped in

and that's massive I know but that's like hold on it's like going we're going to have a European tour and you're like we've been to Scotland

and Wales and different countries so when we add it to the list of countries we've been to I'm telling you from like a Boy Scout fucking badge perspective, I'm excited to be going to new places and new audiences. But we've done Canada before. It's Lanes on a Map.

Doesn't add anything. It's massive. It's fucking Lanes on a Map. I get it. I'm stat driven. It doesn't add a new fucking column. That's all I'm saying I'm excited for the gigs

I'm excited to see the new plays and these are lines on a map we're going to new places on earth that we've never touched yet

and they're going to be different and new in class and we're going to go oh aye you think they're going to be the exact same as Toronto

no but there's going to be fucking heaps of meth addicts in each of them aye two more when we get there motherfucker

make some room like do you know what I mean the gigs that we did in Vancouver last time were absolutely some of my favourite

on tour it was Toronto you made it to Toronto I did Vancouver and Darcy Michael opened for me right because I've been to Vancouver

but on the way to Hawaii Toronto was also a fucking amazing gig you know what I'm gutted about I'm the way to Hawaii Toronto was also a fucking Amazing gig That I absolutely You know what I'm gutted about We're going back to Toronto This week

I think so It's right near Niagara Falls And we're just I've tried to figure it out It wasn't going to work It would be like Doing a fucking Grand Canyon trip

Like If you've got one day in Vegas Yeah And you're like Have we not got like A day off after now I don't know I haven't had a proper Like't know I haven't had a proper

like I say I haven't had a proper look through god it fucking sucks but it would be class it would be class to go to Niagara Falls are you starting

to understand that now that you're a bit older and you can see the world through your kids eyes yeah but he's not coming to Canada no no no but like

you be the child Daniel no just experience a new thing for the first time and like like a childhood because that's what you've been learning from

for the last two years. You don't learn from him? No, man. He eats mud. Aye. That's what's good. I contain that. I go,

I, I, I take some of it. I find, I've seen you out and run being mad, making noises, stomping around behind him.

He's not the only one having a good time there, you know. No, no, no, absolutely. But again, that's what I'm with. But I would go to Niagara Falls with my son and be, oh, my God, this is amazing. But, like, do I need to knock it off this trip? It's what I followed from a really high height.

Yeah. And I know that happens when it rains, but, like, not as cool to be. You know, there's a difference. Not all in one bit. Yeah, like, if you Not all in one bit. Yeah, like, if you could just in a bit. Obviously, I want to go see Niagara Falls. But here's what I mean.

If it was, we need to wake up at 5am to go see Niagara Falls. I ain't going to Niagara Falls. No, we can't get up and watch the tennis. I'll give them a watch the tennis. Yeah, I can do that at a hotel. That's got to be Toronto. Please be Toronto. If we can get up, watch the tennis in the hotel. yeah I can do that at the hotel that's got to be Toronto please be Toronto if we can get up watch the tennis

in the hotel and then no we're watching we're watching it an hour and all by the next day so just in case we've got any

Toronto on there at all actually it's right there nah I need these I want to see those do you want to see those I don't know

while you get them I'll read out the Canada dates haha fuck you tricked you cunts plugging mid podcast get that fucking up here right Do you want to see this? I don't know. While you get them, I'll read out the Canada dates. Ha ha, fuck you. Tricked you cunts. Plugging mid-podcast.

Get that fucking up here. Right? It's almost like an advert break, but except obviously nobody's sponsoring this shit. They are, dude. I'll give them my money, but we're getting... No, that's us sponsoring them.

Yeah? Okay. So, July 16th. Tomorrow. So you'll not know I reckon we had a fun time We'll be in Vancouver Sucking off Darcy, Michael, Welch, Erwod

I guess it'll be the way around Suck one off each and then swap Aye I'll do Darcy first Tcha I'll do Darcy first. Sure. Okay. All right. I'll do him second and third. July 18th, Calgary. July 19th, Winnipeg.

July 21st, London, Ontario. Just in case you thought, you know. Just pop road. July 23rd, Ottawa. And then the 25th to the 27th, I am doing shows at the Montreal Festival some of those are two shows a day

they are I think they're getting close to sold out and it would fill me with great joy if I could sell out six shows at the fucking

Just for Laughs Festival that would be a very cool thing for me so there you go so he's in Montreal I'm going to be in in Portugal so if anyone wants to have a look

at my wife's tits we'll be at Praia da Rocha on the beach or sign up to our new Patreon tier for 15 quid I will send you a picture of Natalie's tits only wives

only old mans do you want to see these? this is why I couldn't see Toronto do you want to see if there's people watching On the video I don't want you to do the camera first I want you to do it with me How much does that change who I am?

Oh a lot That's a fucking I'm a finance I work in finance You look like I've come to change a password On your computer Like a

Like a poor caricature of Sean What Sean Locke looks like now When he was young No now He's young though he only been did it yeah like it wasn't your role it wasn't your role

ha it wasn't your role I couldn't do cocaine with you no thinking like when we go for a spliff break

you're taking them off you're probably at the teacher on a night you need to come to the bathroom where you're for a line I'm not I'm not I'm not leaving the hoose with these on this is for sitting They're probably at the teacher on a night out and he's coming to the bathroom with her for a line. I'm not leaving the hoose with ears on.

This is for sitting in my rocking chair with a book, this. I've meant those words, by the way. I've got a rocking chair in my hoose and I sit reading on it and this completes the look. Like, I guess the lenses on all glasses are that white, but like a millimetre or two metres hidden by the frames

you've gone that's what a frameless glass gives away the thickness you're like well obviously that's a tiny

thin film of glass in them frames it's just got a little bit of it's a bit like the lenses themselves are

wider they're a bit taller as well like it's just very it's very clinical it's very clinical the worst thing is I can't it's literally

devoid of style like it's not stylish and it's not not stylish because it's like a doctor made these do you know

there is no design in this do you know what's gutting about this I paid quite a lot of money for these ones because I thought they looked good the ones that were

50 quid. I was like, meh, the ones with the frames and that. And I picked up these frameless ones. And with the price of the lenses, it was over 200 pounds for this pair of glasses. And I didn't get that because I thought they looked class. They don't normally class. And then I look in the mirror and I'm like,

they age you a lot. Yeah, and it's not that you didn't look class. It's like, by God, did you stop looking in your 30s? And not as if when you were 39, you didn't look like you were in your 40s. But this is... I turned 40 and got these on. And now you're 45. Well into me 40s.

Well into your 40s. You drink whiskey with this guy, though. You wouldn't be caught with him, bud, but you'd have a dram with him. Whiskey was made for your people. You were probably around when this guy though you wouldn't be caught with him bud but you'd have a dram with him whiskey was made for your people you were probably around when this was well that joke wouldn't have worked Daniel because if that whiskey had been aged for 45 years it would have been an incredibly expensive bottle of whiskey

stupid idiot why am I like this that was one of me and Cullen's favourite bits when we used to just play FIFA for hours and hours on end with each other during Covid which is like whenever you, because and hours on end with each other during COVID, right? Which is like whenever you,

because we'd admonish each other all the time and we'd fucking trash talk each other while on the same team. We'd also congratulate each other. But like, if you ever did something stupid, just like in a really damaged way, self-flag you like, like you always do this.

You always do this. I've always done that as a bit in the kitchen. Get very focused on the kitchen. I've never been mad I have been mad in the way I diffuse how mad I am at myself is being comically

bad to myself because you're feeling like you want to be bad I say why the fuck do you do that for but if you go why am I like this and start like

absolutely kicking off yourself it becomes funny it goes past sad and tragic and becomes funny and you've absolutely disarmed the whole situation

I have to just not mentally punish myself anymore for one, mental health reasons, but two, like Cara's always said, you're very hard on yourself. I can't do it in front of Cailin. Like I can't be mad, if I fuck up something, I can't be mad at myself for fucking that thing up and go, you fucking idiot. Because that teaches him to be like oh if something bad happens it's my fault I should

be angry yeah I've got to be like building a tower blocks now it falls and it's like oh yeah because that's what he's learned from so I've just got to be like oh oh I spilled the thing oh whoopsie it's okay though except in reality you've got to pick them things up and nobody's going to hit the floor put the beans back in the pan. Accidents happen. Give it to your guests. Yeah, it's a real... Anyway, sorry what you were saying. No, no.

This is what we're here for. I got to the bottom of it. No, no. Oh, they're gone. What's gone? Oh, the glasses. Yeah, aye. I put them on for show.

I've got my contact lenses in. So it doesn't work. My eyes are already corrected. Can I try't work. My eyes are already corrected. Can I try them on? My eyes are already corrected so if you put them on it over corrects them and you can't see again. Watch how different the left is to the right. Right eye might as well just be glass.

The left eye. Oh no, the other way around, sorry. Eye. Okay. As an audience how do we feel? I haven't seen how I look yet. Okay So I find it How do we As an audience How do we feel?

I haven't seen how I look yet I've just realised I've just got the studio lights on And not the actual Oh my god I'm a pedophile You look like Like on a court charge

Or something It looks like you wouldn't wear your glasses Until you're on court And you were like wearing them As like an application Yeah Like I I feel like I look like you wouldn't wear your glasses until you're on court and then you were like wearing them as like an application like i i feel like i look like uh a chavvy pedophile in like i don't think i think killer i i think you're a murderer and you think like

you're trying to disguise it with a little bit of just like yeah but i feel like i feel like i didn't murder a man i feel like i murdered a woman or a baby a child you're a child murderer you're not interested in raping them you want the good stuff just a cheap cell rape man murder though oofed yeah like it does

I look like I'm wearing these because my lawyer told me it would endear me to the jury yeah you're totally fucking

wearing a skin that isn't yours which is ironic because that's what you're in for yeah caught it let me just have a the thing about wearing baby skin it makes you look younger oh man I cannot lose my eyesight

that's not great well you don't want to wear them oh boy that is do you think it's the type of glasses have I fucked up my purchase how did Natalie feel about them where they're... Oh, boy, that is. Do you think it's the type of glasses I've fucked up my purchase? How do you totally feel about them? As long as you're happy.

She's really, that's a catchphrase. Especially after sex. She's like... As long as you're happy. You know, I'm happy. Not physically. I was like, it's easy to make a lot of me just make yourself happy win-win you i cannot tell you how much stuff i've bought myself she's chuffed

so would you would you not have would you not have like Taken her in With you to To just get the Oh we live busy lives Get the opticians When you can Yeah but you can go there Try on like Ten different pairs

Take a photo And send them to her Rewind Natalie has a busy life I know Fast forward again Yes I see what you're saying I could have sent her a photo

But eh Man I was just like You know I was in the cash and carry with her and she was picking up some dog poo bags

and she took fucking ages to work out which ones to get quality over price with the cash and carry that little bit she picked one and I went

I don't know if you've just saved a quid there but I would have paid a quid to not have to do that 100% that would have made me the best quid I'd ever ever spent

would be to just grab some bags and back off of them. Oh, what a freedom that pound has bought me. Yeah. I kind of did that when my glasses were more money. Yeah. I just tried a couple on when I... Yeah, see, I always think when you're going for...

I spent as much time on poo bags and I should have spent more time. Yeah, you and Natalie need to reverse your thing. You need to have that attitude for buying anything under £10. But the gut reaction was, they're the ones I think look the best. Pay the extra money. That was my gut reaction.

Yeah, but when you said, these are the ones that look the best, did your memory not take you back to all the times that it also said, this is the best looking thing, you turned up wearing that thing, and everyone you have ever loved and liked made fun of you for your choice of thing? Did that not come back to you? It should have, yes, it should have, but I really backed

myself on this one for a change. See, I need to punish myself less. You need to punish yourself more. There need to be moments after you buy a shirt and you get made fun of you go into the bathroom for two minutes

and be like so this I must break my glasses in the new bit smack you're an idiot oh well the thing is

I only needed to look good for Natalie because it was just about the house yeah so why would you not run them by her that was my that would be a nice surprise I'm trying to look

good for you baby but when but when is you ever dressing yourself in a nice surprise for Natalie outside of me and her

texting immediately I'm going to put the show on the other foot right if she texts me again what do you think of this lipstick right that's not as good as if she just turned up

wearing these lipsticks would look better in me cock just turn up get a lipstick on and make this guy up wearing these lips would look better in me cock Just turn up lipstick That's what I did a lipstick three glasses If you know what I mean No, I don't I don't I don't hate them I don't think that I don't think they're ugly or horrendous I I think I was you know more taken aback They change. Oh, they change you as a person.

Natalie said it's like, I'm paraphrasing here, because I think she just went, it's like Superman and Clark Kent. Yeah. But the way I saw that. If Superman was disabled. Like he puts the glasses. No, the non-glasses guy is a disabled guy. Yeah, because when you wear glasses, you look intelligent.

And when you don't wear glasses you're disabled Superman I look disabled and I am disabled I can't see I took it as like normally you'd go how ridiculous he's just putting

glasses on how can no one recognise it's still him I feel like when I did that Natalie understood Superman it was like she actually looked at us

and saw me as a completely different person also just I think she fucked the bones off us I'll tell you that now I've got the best sex I've ever had she was trying to fucking break them but it's the first time

she's asked to sit on your face she actually hasn't touched it since I got them oh remind me remind me of my new sex joke that I think I've written I want to try it here

but first just to be a pinnickety sex joke that I think I've written. I want to try it here. But first, just to be a pernickety fucking nerd, and I'm sure you might know this, and a lot of nerds out there know this. See when people go, how fucking stupid was everyone that they didn't realise that Superman was just Clark Kent? You are underestimating how intelligent Superman was. Superman's whole fucking thing was,

while he was being Clark Kent, was he would be really poorly fucking dressed and because he saw humans as these bumbling fucking creatures because he's the strongest thing on the planet he pretended to be them and when he was pretending to be them

he was clumsy as shit because that's how he sees human beings and they didn't recognise Superman in the demeanour no the face might have looked enough for an opportune to give up but no one's going to see him

and go, oh, Superman. Well, no, no, from a human perspective in the comic book, right, you know when you do something to, like, a kid, they do it to you

tenfold back because they just don't understand the thing. Like, they'll not be able to impersonate you, they can just do a bigger thing of the thing you're doing. Yeah.

You boop their nose and they'll clout your nose. Yeah, exactly that. That's what Superman was doing. He was overcorrecting. He doesn't know how humans act. He's an alien coming down from another planet.

He's on this. He sees these creatures that he could crush with his fucking pinky and thumb, just like grapes. The way I prepare blueberries for Caelan so he doesn't choke on them.

Superman goes and goes, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. They end up with his eyes for a little bit the next week. And flying around doing this and you turn you turn metropolis

into just a massive fucking bubble wrap right small pathetic human beings they fall all the time they're easily broken they're

they need rescuing every fucking day so when he's pretending to be them he's acting so bumbling that he's not just fitting in

he's actually standing out as a he's acting so bumbling that he's not just fitting in. He's actually standing out as a sore thumb, as this big, dumb, pathetic, well, not dumb. Dumb is incorrect. But like... He's still Superman. Well, no, no. And also... He doesn't come across as dumb.

No, no. Clark Kent was a good journalist, I think. Superman was my favourite. It's so funny that you had a day job, because in the films and that, you only see him cut in like, oh, I'm just popping in. But he was there for eight hours a day man

he was taking lowest line on dates and Rattler he was mostly Clark Kent so like how long do you think you would just become that person

how long would you be living in that like how long before Milo McCabe becomes Troy Hawke well no no no

it's been so long that Troy Hawk became Milo right and he became a father he has to rip off his moustache every night do you know

what I'm saying is like if you're pretending to be Clark Kent for years and years building a relationship going to work and all that right

which point do you think it would be when you're like no that's who you are now oh never man I could crush everyone with no way man

laser vision I'm heating up fucking state with my eyes like I'm fucking flying around the place do you think it's as easy as me not losing my jolly accent ah yeah

and why would you lose it like it's not like he enjoys being like he enjoys humanity and he like he loves people in you know who are human beings

but like I mean again nerds out there correct me if I'm wrong I don't think at any point Superman didn't want to be Superman because at no point in my memory did somebody get out Kryptonite and he was like get out of me fucking vase

let's cure this disease yeah that's what was there for me but also do you think there have ever been points where he's being Superman where he's so used to pretend to be Clark Kent

that he has like a Clark Kentism as Superman where he just like drops a bunch of stuff he's carrying but he's Superman he's like

oh sorry I was in character and it's a plane he's rescuing oh clumsy me one of my leg well I think it goes the other way around

because there was a really good I don't read many Superman comics because I think he's a fucking lame superhero, but occasionally very good. Writers get to him and do fascinating storylines. One of the ones when Lois Lane is falling in love with him, she knows he's Superman and she works it out before he even tells her

because, you know... She's a good journalist. Good journalist. He's making her dinner. And there's just some stuff that if you're Superman that you just would not understand would affect humans because it doesn't affect you, right? If it takes a building to fall on your fucking head

to cause you pain, and then you fly past my window and I stub my toe on like one of Caelan's toys and I go, oh, Superman's like, that's fucking weird. You don't really understand. But I'd also be like that. He's like, man, weird you don't really understand but I'd also be like that man they're sore

they're heavy one of his soft toys and I've got I've got a big big toe cuddly bears full of wool Clark Kent is making Lois Lane

some food and it's like one of his it's one of his first days in fucking Metropolis and stuff. It's one of those actually scans now that I think about it because he was raised by human beings.

But anyway, this was the thing I remember. He's making her dinner and he opens up the oven and just fucking takes the thing out. Oh yeah. Because it's going to hurt him. I've seen Natalie do that before and she lit up the kitchen.

You know what the worst thing about that memory is? I think it was Gav. Or was it? It wasn't even Natalie, it was Gav. He grabbed the element. Oh, sorry. He didn't even... The element's the bit at the back of the hob.

Aye, but he grabbed it with a tea towel. He thought he was grabbing the tray with the tea towel, which would have protected his fingers and grabbed the element that's what I watched Gav do that must have gone through his hand

in less than a second oh yeah black holes in the tea towel just like singed black circles of like fucking ash around it and then just the holes

where his fingers went through and touched the element he fucking lit the kitchen off oh my god Jesus that story had to be

reversed and he had dug out from, Natalie did that once, to, no, no, this is the story in my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get to the front. Let me tell you the fucking new joke I think I came up with.

It was not a joke yet, I just think it's an observation. I don't want to see if anyone relates to it or whether it's just me. And then we'll go for a smoke and top off. Yeah, I was thinking that. I've had two sips out of an empty glass so far. I used to measure how,

or be able to measure how good sex was with Cara by a number of things. Like for her, you mean? Or just how good the sex was yeah yeah for both of us no no but like

as a you know as a overall yeah yeah how good was the sex is like how how long she is quiet for after

like how she'll just be there like not cold so every time she's been in a huff how shit the sex has been you're just like one elephant

two elephant out loud she's like stop a huff, oh shit, the sex has been, you think, one elephant, two elephants, out loud. She's like, stop calling me an elephant. Four elephant, and then a golf ball later. No, but man,

she just like, you know, if it's good sex, she just needs to lie still and just be quiet and recuperate for some periods of time. And sometimes,

and man, I just go straight, my phone a lot of the time and I'm like this is class she's not you text me this is class

I've just another third you have I especially after you pointed out I'll do this quickly and then we can go then you wait there

for a long time not talking you know how many times afterwards that you need to go to the bathroom to like clean yourself and sort yourself out you know how much I need to clean

myself, like if one of us goes for a shower you let those go on, now married with one kid I measure how No we both measure how good the sex is by how much our phones charge during it

because we're only doing it when we go to bed and we plug our phones in and we sort of go shall we and we're like yeah why not and sometimes people

roll over and we're like fucking it's fully charged like that's unbelievable and then there's other times you're like 53 I'm sorry baby

that didn't feel like 53 to me that felt like fucking it started it was dead when it started. So, like, it would have... Not the sex. It had to follow up. Not the sex.

No, no, no, no. Listen. Forget about the phones. You were flat as a knack at the beginning. Oh, Jesus. Just give it some oomph. And then I plugged my cell in and finally got a bit of life into you

and you came to life it was genuinely in the past month me and Cara both rolled over and looked at our phones and both went fucking it's got to be 50%

now now now some of you will point out that both of us were 50% isn't bad well I will ask for

it's not bad like 1 or 2% would be bad no no 50% I'm saying is good oh very good 50% is really good I thought you were performance shaming the entire world no no absolutely not I've only half charged before you're like that probably would be a good hour

and that's a valid observation I'm sure people have been like 50 50%, that's an exaggeration. It isn't an exaggeration. What's an important bit of information I left out is that one time that we did have a 50%. When you didn't grab your phone straight away. We were charging them with laptop chargers. Oh, no way.

Like, you know when you go, you know when you plug, I don't know if people have this with like Galaxy phones, but if I plug it in with the Galaxy phone that they gave me, sorry, Galaxy phone that they gave me, sorry, the charger that they gave me from 10% to a hundred percent, it'll be like,

I don't know, man, two hours, maybe I'll do my best. Go to bed on it. When I plug my laptop and I know this fucks the battery, fuck off nerds. When I plug my battery,

sorry, my laptop into my phone, it just goes, buddy, buddy, seven minutes. I'm already halfway there. my laptop into my phone big fucking unit on the plug it just goes buddy buddy seven minutes I'm already halfway there man if it's a dead phone

and you plug it in your phone folds in half like the undertaker getting back up the cracked screen starts on cracking this is forming back up

a liquid metal oh right let's have another one of these alright go on then i do have something to add for the uh checking your phone after sex and how much the battery's charged like i don't think i've ever had like grabbed from my phone after shagging oh no like i've done for the day mate and that's like you gotta get back out i think i think that's like you know you've done in the afternoon or the day or something you've got to get back out I think I think that's a back out to the

like you know you've done in the afternoon or the day or something you've got to get back out into the world no man you're having daytime sex

no I am no like not not currently but like that's when I'd grab my phone I've had shit today I don't think I've ever grabbed my phone

after a night in bedtime sex oh man my night's ended there. Just out for the count. Go ahead. What else am I going to get from the world after that? Just go and see what people are doing on Facebook.

Aye. After they've just had that. Just end on that one. End on a high. And what time do you compare your life to everyone else on Instagram? It's a nice car. You didn't just get laid.

That's a nice house. You didn't just get laid. You did a little DLC from Shagging. Yeah. A little lad on pack of getting a bit more enjoyment out of it. I don't just get laid. You did a little DLC from shagging. Yeah. A little lad on pack of like getting a bit more and making a bit more enjoyment out of it. I don't care how low your self-esteem is.

If you fucking shag someone and you have good sex and you go on Instagram afterwards, nothing can impress you. Aye. You're like, aye. I just think I,

I just, I'm not saying I'm against it. I just say I don't want to do that. I don't want to grab a phone after that. Well, me and, It's a good time to go out to sleep, maybe,

cuddle up. No, it might just be fucking instant at this point, because me and Cara were, you know, hiding our relationship from the world. We were just having lots of sex in Corsica Terrace. So you set yourself up that way?

Well, because she was coming around, you know, fucking whenever, four in the morning twelve in the afternoon fucking seven at night like you know it was there

but we would always just you know we would you know not to be too fucking crude here we would never leave the bedroom

it'd be funny if you both lived in a world where you thought the other one was texting about it I was texting about it texting about it absolutely

not when you're married that's the worst thing in the world to do yeah lads shag me wife in the whatsapp there's a really good Amy Schumer sketch

with Zach Braff which is exactly it is has that been done they're at the Zach Braff's at the poker table and everyone

is like two single friends are bragging about shagging girls at the weekend and they start talking about Banger's wife

and they're like oh man that's not cool you can't whoa dude what are you doing someone's mother here's something we've not girls at the weekend and they start talking about Banger's Wife they're like oh man that's not cool, you can't Whoa dude What are you doing? Someone's mother Here's something we've not discussed You know, I don't know if you're the same

as me I think this is a flaw within myself I don't know if you have it or whether you also see it it's a flaw I don't think through choice take great pleasure and find genuine joy when people i perceive to be idiots die in stupid ways uh-huh like it makes but there's the my favorite video of all time the rocket we've actually showed this on the podcast yeah the flat arthur who wanted to

prove that the earth was not flat by strapping himself to a homemade rocket. Instead of just getting a plane, renting a plane, renting a helicopter, you know, any idiot straps himself to this thing

within 0.2 seconds of the rocket taking off and his parachute falls off and you just watch him die. People were like, that's a tragedy, it's awful. It is, it's awful for his family. I laugh every time I watch that video.

It fills me with great joy. I'm sad for them, but when an idiot dies, and I know this is wrong, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, yes. That's the worst thing about us doing the bull run. Not the atrocities that are taking place, but the fact that we gambled. Being the people who died and everyone laughed because it's like darwin awards yeah

natural selection got you in 2020 and karma natural selection and karma yeah yeah both sides it's um what a risk to take for people to laugh at your death oh much stupid stupid um uh so Stupid, stupid. So, how do you feel about the Titanic submersible? Oh, yeah. I was talking to Matt Reid about this recently, and I was taking a bit of a walk, and I said, well, they fucking do all the jokes. The jokes are funny. They're not jokeable, but it's funny as fuck, right?

But there's a part of us where you're like, when people are actually seriously, all jokes aside, ha, ha, ha, you died, you rich cunt. If you did have that money, is that not what you'd do with it? Go on fucking mad submarine trips and go into space and that,

like a bunch of pioneering shit. That was my stance on it. Even though... Someone commented actually that it wasn't a pioneering thing. They've been doing this for ages. It's fucking... Oh, and it's not. And also, man... You shouldn't be paying that much money They've been doing this for ages. It's fucking... Oh, and also, man...

You shouldn't be paying that much money for it. I don't know. I don't know. There's a really good... I know this is the... 90% of the recommendations that come out of my fucking mouth these days. There's an amazing two-parter on Behind the Bastards by Robert Evans on Stockton Rush,

who was the guy the inventor the explorer two episodes on him and it was obviously fucking very sad for the fucking kid that died

like that was a needless fucking horrible did he not want to go as well? apparently I yeah like it was meant to be like he killed he was doing it for his dad

he was doing it for his dad he was kind of going with him it was his mum had the ticket first that's a big excuse the ticket first uh man they never should have he never should go down he's you know people in there he broke like not laws because it's in the sea but he he broke the laws of he didn't break the laws he ignored the laws of physics he was told by experts at every level under no circumstance do this this will not work did none of this it it's not it's not gonna work he and over the course of several years when they were trying them there was heaps of

problems that they'd literally fixed with gaffer tape at fucking points this was classic like this it was a really fucking if this was such an avoidable fucking day like if stockton rush wd-40 and gaffer tape if stockton Rush had been the only person that had fucking survived the Ocean Gate thing right he should go to jail because what he did was murder

is that the person who planned the trip aye what's he called Stockton Rush Stockton Rush sounds like a fucking water gate or something

like the Stockton Rush you know like it sounds like it's the title of the thing that's the man well I mean also the name of the company was Ocean Gate

literally Ocean Gate it was actually I mean his first name's Stockton his second name's Rush it's not the name of the thing that's the man well i mean also the name of the company was ocean gate literally ocean it was actually his first name stockton his second name is run it's not the name of the company standard american multi-millionaire got millions from his parents because they were millionaires invested his millions in something he made some millions like i'm a self-made millionaire you're like you're not a self-made millionaire. And you're like, no, he's a self-made millionaire. You just washed money with another idiot your age, like another trust fund baby. That's all that happened. And did they all know all this, the people that were getting on?

Did they get sold a dummy? Did they know that this fucking charlatan was taking them to the, or did they think this was some big fucking SpaceX adventure? Well, from what I understand from Robert Evans' research, this was all Googleable. Like, there was... I read nothing on it. There were so many warnings out there

and stories about this thing not being safe and not being good. Like, if you and I had booked the Ocean Gate trip, you and I would be dead. We would be. You and I had booked the Ocean Gate trip, you and I would be dead because you and I would have done no more. I'd be grinding, I'd be fucking holding my breath, swimming around, we'll learn which way is up. I'm too strong, it's the same strength. I've been going this way for years.

It's the same speed in any direction. I'm going to turn around. Esial pressure explosions and that. If you and I... My ears haven't even popped. But the rest of me has. Because I was turned into a fucking atom within a millisecond. So, the reason though I got down.

Like, it was tourism. Yeah, it was tourism. Oh no, you've made me fully fucking lose it now, you piece of shit. Shall we go back and listen to it? No. Imagine. Oh God. Without Matthew here.

That'd be like asking for a review after sex. Find it on Facebook. She was on her phone quick. And now that I check my Google Maps, there's a Yelp review for my ass. It's like something off Black Mirror, going straight to your phone after shagging. Absolutely not. for my ass it's like something off Black Mirror going straight to your phone after shagging absolutely not but we are

we are but man we're not I mean we're fucking but we're not like fucking like we used to this isn't like moments of like

raw fucking passion I can't keep my hands off you let's do it right here right now this is you never want to go do you want to talk about this

no this is I've done a little one glove what's happening anyway this is this is married with a kid sex where after like a couple of weeks you're like hey it's been a while should we maybe like in the next week try and bang and you're both like yeah and then one night you're like i'm knackered i can't be arsed the next night you know she's like I'm knackered I can't be arsed the next night you know she's like I'm knackered I can't be arsed the next night

put it off you've snoozed it too many times you're like but then it gets to the point where you're looking at each other being

like we gotta do this look we love each other and we do enjoy when we do it but because he's asleep in the fucking other room it's efficient

it's oh man you know me I love efficient soundless and not like pillow on face so there's still a bit of... You know me, I love efficiency. And I like when I go out for a shit in and out the bathroom.

Aye. Bish bash plop, job done. Come back in the bathroom and wipe me off. Exactly that. Eyes of the game. Don't get me wrong. Shit to be shagging in and done. There's still a place for fucking railing the mother of your child.

But it's, yeah, it's when you're away. I would, I'm sorry. Do you think I'm booking us in places that have, do you think I booked me and my wife into places that share walls with anyone else? No,

no, because there's, there's still absolutely a fucking place for filthy sex with the parent

of your child your co-parent the allotment but I've got nothing against 80% of sex just being like

let's do this because we like it Judy but like come on let's get it done. Judy, fuck me wife, get on my phone. She's like, if you charge me anything above 50, you have wasted my time.

Like, speed run, baby. Like you see fucking those gamers on YouTube do it. I haven't even paused Hearthstone, by the way. You can't pause it, it's online even when it's not. It's just his turn. So hurry up. Babe, I'm playing FIFA online. It's only a 30-second timer countdown.

That's when I'm back in the game. I kind of pause online, babe. You're not like, what's it going to do? The kid that I'm playing with, he's like, who's just going to freeze? His family all freeze, bring a tray of food. You sound just like my mother. In fact, you know what?

I don't want to do it anymore. You're wasting our time. I had Steve, so I'm playing with him on that. Be fair. Steve, he got one of the first gamer handles. He's a 12-year-old. Just nobody had gone for Steve. There's no way it would just be there.

There's no way. Try Steve69. That was good Steve 69 gone first I was so early to fucking Xbox Live

because my dad was it's a big Microsoft fan somebody called me an Xbox and he called me fucking Xbox Live that my gamer tag

for 15 fucking years was Danny X oh you got that straight up aye no no fucking like capital

lowercase capital lowercase capital lowercase fucking four for an A shit Danny S capital D capital S aye

I get that I take it for granted that I just get my full name Kai? Kai Humphries if ever you can have Kai Humphries as a handle

Twitter, Instagram the lot I can have my full name because it's a not now it's a more now it's a more common name

now I would imagine they're going to be coming up with agent technology handles but I'll have got their way before them just on their new websites you should

leave all of your Kai Humphries Twitter handles to one of them in your will and not tell anyone only the lawyer

and just like really and have it be the only thing in the will and not tell anyone only the lawyer and just like really and have it be the only thing in the will as well natalie they're like what do i get his debt and i'm like i've even forged a signature on the world because like i didn't want him to be able to trace my signature oh man speaking of fucking signatures i you know how i i have had mentioned the whole engagement of me and Cara, how one of my definitely old opinions was I wanted her to take my fucking second name because there's no slosses and because there's loads of Mitchells and because, you know, she's property and all that.

But the deep reason, because I'm a man. Yeah, yeah. That's what men do. I'm still, I've that's what men do I'm still I've still got a bit of and because and because I haven't done enough

growing in my life I would judge another man mm-hmm deep down not outwardly but deep down the part of my horrible brain

that made a judgment on a man whose wife didn't have his second name and that is wrong so what I'm doing is I'm projecting it I'm projecting it

back onto myself and I'm being like that and it's toxic and I should we've done it back onto myself And I'm being like that And it's toxic And I should feel fine We've done it There's a few things with this Like the girl proposing Aye

You just lose the real stress But I do like Should be fine I'm not backing down on that one No I'm keeping that now No that's our wedding dress Like that's You know

If girls fantasise about the wedding day Aye Unless there's a reason Unless like your boyfriend Specifically goes No no no Hang on hang on If your daddy's Like that's, you know, if girls fantasise about the wedding date. Unless there's a reason. Unless like your boyfriend specifically goes. Hang on, hang on. If you're dating, he's got to wear the dress. This is what I'm talking about.

It's a switch. It's a trade. If he proposed to him, he gets the dress, you're in a suit. We're breaking the norms. I'm mixing up bits and things. But dating properly. So my old, I don't want to say my old opinion. I will just. I'm mixing up bits and do your thing. Do it properly. So my old, I don't want to say my old opinion. I will just say I'm updating opinion.

I feel growth happening and I wouldn't be a straight white man if I didn't yell it to the world. Just be like, look at me, I'm growing. Congratulations. It's a major trait. Come on. Look at me doing the thing That you've all done already But I'm finally Come on

Give it to me I'll not do it again If you don't I will not Unless you applaud My fucking growth I ain't doing it again Okay

Cara has to Change her passport Her driver's license, every bank card she's got. What a chore. She has to change her fucking signature, man. Like, I didn't think that bit through. Like, I'm just there, and she's at the table.

You're just going, names, whatever. It's there. Yeah, fuck it. Like, this is the thing I want. And you realise what you were doing was going, administrative burden. Oh. You've got a big pile of files and forms on her desk.

Not just the administrative side. You should have to fill all her forms in. She doesn't like my handwriting. She's not good. If she handed that in and they thought that was her handwriting, I think Cara would break her own neck. But she's not going to the post office today. She's sending it to the DVLA

even then she's not delivering it to Swansea no no she would be ashamed if that was her fucking handwriting even if it was

in the post a total faceless name somewhere in the world they're going to see it I'm going to think that's my handwriting let them figure

I agree with you I'm going to fuck it that's my handwriting I'm just saying I'm telling you alright alright let's play hand writing I'm just saying I'm telling you alright alright let's play in this course

play the course you're on you've got to learn hair handwriting if you're going to make hair tick you've got to learn hair handwriting and fill in the forms

and impossible hair handwriting when you just tick the name when you just go I'll tick the name I'll tick the forms how long do I have to

like learn to forge or something like what's the time I'll do the forms how long do I have to like learn to forge or something like what's the time period what's the and how good how I can does it have to does it have to be like

how long before you need your signature I had a gig for you you'd be at gigs and I'll have to sign a different imagine that that's a different thing

it's not just signing off a letter it was the coming downstairs I say that with my letters authenticity at the bottom there because you must want fortune and all my emails my iPad's ruined

I came downstairs the other day and like a fucking kid that had been forced to do lines from school Cara was just there over and over again, right? And I'm like, what are you doing? And she was trying to come up with the signature for Cara Sloss. And she's just like, what the fuck do I do with this? Like she could she did a K. I guess T's like H's, they're all swiping up, aren't they? The S is like swoop, swoop, swoop.

It's like completely different motion. That's just signing. Sloth is a very good name for a signature just because they're the same so it's easy to find. If you want to look like curly hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mum's one is quite loopy. It all looks... It looks like, you know, when people used to write with a feather on parchment

type fucking stuff, whereas mine's, you know, held by a fucking Neanderthal. Crayon and a fist. So I think, yeah. You do the S like the Superman thing. You know, you do the lanes. I go and run over my jotter.

His actual signature. His actual signature. All of the S's. All three of the S's. He texted... And then also just normal L, normal O. Couldn't work it. Real calligraphy.

We were mixing the old with the new. A little bit of medieval. I've got to tell you, when that fucking three-lined S came out in high school, I was pretty fucking chuffed with my second name. I tell you I tell you if I got into graffiti I would have been

pretty fucking dope did Natalie have to change her signature? she did but she didn't change her passport so she's got a different name

on her passport to her actual name you know what I've just said yes about her changing her signature I didn't experience the whole change with her. You know how you mentioned there?

It would pick it up on it. It never got brought to my attention. No. I think I've took it for granted until now. I don't even think I've seen her new signature. Or a old one. She never signs anything she sends us. You got married.

God. You went to a building with none of us there specifically to sign a document together in one of the best days of your life, I might add. You should have seen her. She was like hiding a pin at the cash point. Yes, that's how it's looking. Oh, bad sign? Bad sign!

Red flag. I'm going to see it right now. also bad sign bad sign red flag I'm going to say it right now if she's not trusting you to see her signature on your marriage document buddy don't sign that obviously you would be because it's you

that's the untrustworthy I'd have a little paw print I'd dip my hand in the ink I'd have a little paw print I didn't even cross my mind I'm going to start I could just go and show you the signature and get a look

but have I tried to trick her into saying something what are you going to trick her into saying do you reckon before Natalie has this podcast I can trick her into saying something no because you're not saying anything and I'm also away for two weeks so she'll hear this before but it's just behind I can trick her into saying something No because you're not saying her Oh and I'm also away for two weeks Yeah

So she'll hear this before But it's just behind More impressive if you can do it by text I've ruined the whole game now No now you've got to do it Now you have to try and do it Even though she knows I'm trying to do it No no no

When does this go out No but let it happen Even though she knows I'm going to do it I've still got to get it. That can be the second part. That can be the second text. The first... So I've got to get it

and she's got to not realise I've got it in. When does this podcast go out? Monday. So the second day we're in Canada. So you've got two days to just try and get

her signature just to see if you can get it out before this, before she listens to the podcast. Because if you can do it that way, that's very impressive to just somehow, I don't know,

through text, get her to fucking sign something with her, being like, Jesus, this is a weird thing. I could get full out, like fucking get someone to make a sign for a delivery. Just turn up and I'll ask her,

someone that she doesn't know. Ricketts would do it. And he's got, Ricketts would do it. He'd put that bob hair on. He's got that fucking. He's probably got a post office outfit

for some reason I don't know why sex I don't know why I'm telling you I can confirm I can confirm that Craig

Adam has a postman outfit and it is for sex it's like short one of course it is of course it is and it's

satchel yeah and I wonder what's in that satchel. Lube. Mostly lube. Like a nice bottle. And then a big bag of lube. You scoop in.

Scoop in. Slapping people's face for deliveries. He comes in, lubes himself up. Like Bronson. You've got two minutes you've got two minutes to catch me to stop this from happening so

why are we tired of a postman's outfit oh aye send the postman Ricketts lubed up to the door you're getting out

of the same parcel right and then I'll just go out to Ricketts make the trade get the signature offer oh I've got a date before it comes out I thought it meant

I had a date but she'd already listened to this and she knows it's coming so she's on high alert because that would be like putting

the whole game to god mode you can do both you can try you've got two days to try it my way and then she'll listen to this podcast

and she'll know what's up no no because I don't think you'll get it right and i'm away from her now that would be hard i'd have to pull strings for that to happen so so if you fail it by the time this is out on monday absolutely see if you can with her knowing that you're trying to get her signature see if you can get her signature and i will i'll i'll bet i'll bet 100 quid to any charity you like that you do not get her signature no in fact you're relishing on not having to pay

this charity money no no no here's the thing here's the fucking thing for you and your dirty rat wife oh you want me to do a grand pick the charity so you have to pay it if I lose

because then you're a bastard they've been paying just put money at the charity they've been putting their Just put money to charity. They've been putting their cell on the... I will. And I'll have it be known for tax purposes.

It's like when celebrities are on fucking some quiz show for money for charity and they get the answer wrong and they're just like, oh, what am I like? What are you like? There's fucking an orphanage

where they're not getting shoes. I also think, I'm also pretty sure they get paid for those. For charities anyway. No, no, no, no. If you take a charity bet you have to pay it if you lose. You can't be like,

ha ha, suckers, poor starving children. Do we think that the celebrities on the charity shows are getting paid for their appearances on the charity shows? Probably. Maybe. That doesn't feel like charity. No, it doesn't. Not that I can talk, because I don't know,

because I don't do charity. The celebrities should not be taking money. I don't think they do. They shouldn't be. They shouldn't be. And somebody would call them up on it if they're not. But the work guys... Just like they called it Jimmy Savile.

Yeah, they're really good. Keep just self-policing the media and television. Yeah, they're really good at looking after that and all that. Weinstein, they got him. Oh, 30 years 30 years of turning a plane high unionized

really pulled together and it's not as if they outed him they only went oh yeah whoops now that you've

was there any red flags now that you've noticed sorry now that you've noticed sorry there but while you were not noticing So let's keep charity to this

Give to them Before the game show Okay So your challenge is I'm doing this for Pink slips to our cars Okay I hate a Tesla

You get my Audi Which is still quite a nice car But like it's due back in six months Sorry which is still quite a nice car but like it's due back in six months this is on odds imagine doing a competition for cars and you trade the car you bought and rent

she's got her lease oh and if you you need to trade Oh and if you Ain't need A trade do you You don't get it If you lose Aye No I've taken myself

Out of what gambling is More growing On this podcast I forgot what Gambling is So anyway There's no There's no

There's no prize On the lane No charities No No swapping Of pink slips I'm going to try and get our signature vote i don't listen within the parameters i think oh okay not a bet just just

just for the sport yeah okay fair enough again that's her signature and she doesn't know i've been looking for it and this is all to find out whether she has to be that's a that's a thumbprint i have to swap with this cheek at the end here there's a look of. I have to swab it in my cheek at the end. There's a lock of my hair. How would I do? Oh, God, Matthew would hate me for scratching on the table. I'm just trying to fucking... How would I do? At least left-handed as well, so...

What? We high-fived, like... You found each other. A couple of lefties. You should have seen what the Kaley dance. Oh, gross. It's been at the top of the Kaley dance. Two lefties, should have seen with the kill he does Oh cool like a top of the Kaley dance to lefties crushed arms powered up I thought she was intelligent yeah she's gone down what you wear I left I left died Lopez think to Left-eyed? Lopez? It's like two cockeyed people kissing. She's not cockeyed.

No, I'm not. But her eyes are bad, so we do have, like, bad eyes. And you know that she's allowed to go and buy glasses and not ask for your opinion. Oh, yeah, I imagine. Imagine the glasses should come back, where she looked, like, yeezy. Just make like

getting me on another I've got unclear heels I have to go pack oh shit we'll finish this podcast the engines will go by the way

we leave we get picked up for our Canada tour it is half past eight at night just now we get picked up at half Canada tour. It is half past eight at night just now. We get picked up at half past eleven by our tour manager, Gordon, who I'm very excited... Anyone coming to the shows as well,

we're starting how we mean to go on. Yeah. Man, I am... We've been doing this for a week and a half now. I am very, very excited for this Canada tour for several reasons. One, everything you said before, like I'm excited to go to fucking new territories.

I'm excited to find these new audiences and have fun in these places. I'm excited to see Darcy, Michael and Jer. I'm excited to do Just for Laughs, but I'm also excited because like it's, it's been so, compared to all of our other tours to be excited about going on tour

is a very different feeling to be like oh man I've had like two weeks off when was Romania? it's been a while Romania wasn't the last gigs we'd done was it? fuck it was because I'd done a little bit more after that

I'd done me two shows so I'd done like two shows so I'd done like an extra week I haven't done anything for three weeks but that means you haven't done anything for

four full month of and it's been fucking class and I get busier in the second half of the year like you know

that's but I've not taken this much time but man super fucking excited to be going out on the road and be like

man I can't wait to do this show again because I cannot fucking remember it yeah I've been thinking that and i've just got to take 20 minutes man i've got to take 20 minutes and i've got me full wealth of material because it's new territory and i'm like i know i know all the show's jokes like i just will fuck up are you gonna listen back to an audio no no that's no that's the correct thing to do No it's not

That would be like Not going on a bike For four years And then before Riding a bike again Watching a YouTube video On how to bike No

Yeah It's like getting on And trying to ride With no hands straight away No No No no no Maybe

If they have me on a bike In years I'm going to try With one hand first Maybe Try getting up And doing a curb I would agree with you

If it was like You're on the circuit Right And you're going're on the circuit right and you're going back to the circuit you shouldn't be going in fucking blasé about it

you're gonna miss loads of lines that you wrote on stage in my life you know that audience has got to enjoy and you're gonna go oh I forgot that one

oh aye that one oh aye but that's the thing that's more stuff I'm looking forward to because that's me being on the road and being like

god I'm paying attention to the show like I'm actually thinking about it. I'm actually analysing it. You're not reading your script and then reading it out. Get the cue card up! Man, I normally, like if anyone's seen me perform multiple times... You're restarting a game after

you've completed it. No, not... Because you've got to go through the game again, filling in the bits. But like a game with different choices. If you've seen me perform the same show several times you'll know that, like it's not word for word, but it's above 90% word for word, except when I'm not on the show for a while and it's because I go on stage and I'm like,

fuck, how does this start? Oh yeah, that's how it goes. And then what's next? And then I'm like, oh, fuck it. And then because you're distracted by some bits or because you're super present, because you're just like, instead of thinking- Like, what's next again?

You're going to have to say then the thing you say is different but funny still and they laugh and because it's my audience because we're at this good fucking stage in our careers where people are there to see us we're not trying to fucking win them over and also we've not gone to a bunch of these places so these audience are going to be fucking ripe for the picking it like i don't think it's going to be like a weird New Orleans thing at any point where it's like does anyone know us here? yeah that was funny I'm glad you're here

I'm always going to come back even if the gig is six men and a dog because this city is class so if you were anywhere else in the world as this gig I'd complain about it scratch it off the list but I want to be in New Orleans you're a price worth paying so no

I'm excited about the tour I'm excited about being excited about the fucking tour and also when we come back we've got the fringe

and I'm doing two fucking shows and I've got like pretty much all the fringe off so excited excited to be excited oh let's talk about that

we're going to go no no no we can talk about that in the next one next one we're going man I need to pack my bag wait it's for the patrons anyway

actually so it makes sense yeah yeah yes exactly that was a horrible bit of clickbait it wasn't meant to be I don't think anyone you clickbait

you clickbaited them with like tune in for if you're able to fart on two lasses in Bulgaria. And then you came back in and you went tired with it. Somebody actually messaged, I signed up especially for that story. Did you think I was just going to bring it up?

No, but I was away for a while and I had guests. Oh, yeah, so that's your fault for bringing it up when you didn't have the capacity to deliver. I'm bringing it up now. No, you're not. I've got to go buy my bike sign up in period sign up in period

you're the worst I didn't mean it but that's what we're on with I did