Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.41: Gamify Your Bits and Bobs

Episode Date: July 26, 2023

Muggins and Cream have successfully outran their luggage as. far as Calgary where it catches up with them covered in gin (spoiler alert, they've since lost it again). Kai tells Daniel about the Bone app (it's actually called 'Biscuit' but there'd be a lot of brackets in these blurbs if we highlighted every inaccuracy)

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? I was wondering what seat you'd choose.

The comfy one. Aye. Yeah, yeah. Do you feel like Greg Davies in Taskmaster? No, Alex Horne. I do... I usually tell you to bring yours when there's like a set. Yeah, but...

That would be such a pain in the arse to bring in the lift. We're on separate floors. Aye. You can never ask that if we're on separate floors you can never ask that if we're on different floors I didn't unreasonable I just settled for not only the computer chair but the creaky one

that I can't move on otherwise Matthew will be upset yeah I mean this is why this will never look professional like even when we get the studio set up properly at home even if it was down to the fucking the on the road element is going to be always always suck visually

we could potentially up it content wise but do you think I've got to like have a better eye for it or do I need more tech it's definitely like 30% your fault you could do better but it's a lot of schlep yeah if it was your passion I fault you could do better but it's a lot of schlep

yeah if it was your passion I think you could do a better job if you chipped in would be amazing if you'd done any effort no why would I do that if you just carried the mics for us

no it's not for me I had the most hard thinking moment of the day we've been reunited with our luggage if anyone listened to the last episode patrons catching everybody up on the muggle side

we didn't get our luggage in Canada and I was away for like four days one item of luggage turned up and it was the bag with the podcast equipment so I had no clothes, Gordon didn't have his medication our to our manager I didn't have his sleep apnea machine what's it called again that sure it's gonna name sure cool um CPAC machine or something so he didn't have that so his drama was way worse than ours because he was like I got 40 hours and I'm gonna be dying yeah the fact he had to find a medic for a I was waiting can't go we want to go more or less than

six miles an hour what's the rules well if he doesn't have a sleep up yeah yeah he brings the hotels to the ground with a rumbling okay it's like an implosion type okay so is it better to put my higher up in the building or lower down? Oh, I don't think it makes a difference. It doesn't matter. Whether it's the foundation that's rocked and now everything falls off, the top floor falls, and then it's like stack, stack, stack, one after the other. And then you'll have a bunch of conspiracy theorists being like, that's not how buildings fall down.

Snow White, that was one mile. Sleep apnea, I couldn't do that. They'd be looking mental. They're kind of sure that wasn't a bloke snoring you know they'll be like shut up man of course it was are you kidding snoring can't do that when did the uh when did the airbnb across the road also fall down then explain that i know they were blown at the premiere in but how come that was he on the phone to them snoring was it um so our bags didn't turn up apart from the one podcast bag

so we had to do a bit of shopping and then we got here yesterday where are we, Winnipeg? we're in Winnipeg and we got here and our luggage had arrived mine had been via Washington Gordon's had been via Istanbul yours just went straight to Vancouver but late

and then they gathered them all together sent them to Winnipeg, job done and then my other bag didn't turn up with the podcast in that had just had to go from Calgary to yeah to Winnipeg yeah it didn't make it onto the same flight as me not a connect just the same flight so finally we get all the bags back and then we're down a bag with all my new clothes in and podcast equipment i have caught myself so much on this uh early uh foray into touring canada um of anytime somebody's just like a bit like annoying here or i find something slightly fucking inconvenient or whatever i was just like fucking americans and, I'll just go, fucking Americans.

And then I'll go, oh, no, wait. It's not. Oh, no, no, it's Canada. Oh, well, that's not a good sign. I've got to build up your own reputation for you. Well, it's just... I can't just measure you next to any of us. It's...

Where have we been? Vancouver I've been before. I love Vancouver. That's, you know... I mean, I love it as a gig. I like it as a city. You know what? They're not very touristy cities in that.

You can't walk, like, to stuff. No, I just... You can't go to a hotel. I think in Vancouver... Even if there's a shop over the road, it's like two dual carriageways of road and you have to wait for ages for the traffic. Like, everything's miles away.

I feel like it's set up for cars. you're not just walking around and seeing what's up no i think you're just two blocks like a kilometer i think you're judging places on like where we're based look out this window now oh you mean just the view out your window yeah like because that's just cause we don't wait we don't we don't pick the best hotels in cities we pick the best hotel nearest to the venue there's a math equation going on so it's not like you know oh man this is down so you think we've been in districts

yeah in some of them so the podcast bag turned up and Gordon had put in we didn't touch the gin at all at the last gig so he was just like let's just carry that over to the next one put it in my bag. And when my bag eventually turned up a day late,

that gin had smashed everywhere on it, and I was like, fuck, the bag full of electricals. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So this is us filming in black and white just now? I don't know what's going to happen. It's all fucked. I didn't start any of my electrical stuff until everything

dried and how did you know when everything dried i mean it was pretty dry when i got it i think it cracked early doors and then they kept it for a day or two and then gives it back because like the immediate clothes around the bottle were damp but you know the thing is right some of my stuff's in a carrier bag evadedaded, getting hit with gin. Fucking stinks of gin. Yeah. And you kind of, gin's such a distinct smell. Is it?

You don't smell gin and confuse it with anything else. It's gin. Well, you're just saying it just smells like fucking gin, but I was thinking it smells like shit grass and not like weed grass. I mean like grass grass. Cut grass? Cut grass I don't think so No?

Nah I'm not feeling that Cut grass I think cut grass is it's own distinct smell No I'm just kidding I'm saying that But I'm saying it's the closest thing to it Right Yeah

So The clothes that we've bought brand new That are in the Podcast bag We cannot wear them What like ever again? no we'll be able to wash them but when we're going to do that we're on the move well i didn't buy clothes with an intent to ever wear them again like i bought 10 pound slacks just or 10 bucks slacks to be like

the second i spell something on this um and and I've got my luggage back then this is just a lot that boy has come you may want to bid not what I already haven't then I put my a my my actual champagne slacks from my suitcase and then I spelled on them they're like oh yeah that is what I do I feel like it's the fucking time even though I am an idiot you don't think even though we're having a five-minute wins at the beginning of the podcast I don't know how long we wait about air lose the one on having my luggage and the stuff spilling all over our luggage I got all you I've not complained once by other

things but I just feel like we're pretty resilient about it I'm saying I'm having a winch about it now but like I feel like that is actually people's worst fear they have it to have a bottle of gin explode in your bag full of luggage to have your luggage fucking get yeeted off to a different country while you're on a tour yeah i think if we cared about anything we owned really do you think if we had self-respect who would take that as a blow you think it's a lack of well no no i think there's many different ways i think there's people lack of self-respect? Well, no, no. You think it's a lack of self-respect? I think there's many different ways. I think there's people out there who are, like, super organised and just the fact that it would be chaos in the back

would ruin it for them and I think there'd be people who would just adapt better. But I do think ours doesn't come from the fact that we're particularly strong. I think it's just, we're just, like, we're lazy. And in 100% of scenarios, you and me would always... Like, the second I don't see my luggage again i'm already i'm i'm financially departed from that i'm like i've just got to mentally be ready to buy another fucking my thing is the the sunk cost of uh packing it

always upsets us you know when my luggage hasn't arrived and i don't know if i'm going to get it or not i think of my last day at home with natalie and peggy spent working out what i need and packing when if you're gonna fucking throw my luggage into another country i might as well have had that last day just having some quality time with my wife you wasted me last day at home imagine you got in a taxi right and the taxi driver took you for 20 minutes and then just dropped you off back where you were you'd be devastated you spent that time in the taxi you'd be like what a waste of my time that was i've literally been dropped off back where i was that's what upsets me again oh i didn't need to pack you wasted me time making this pack

well i mean it's still it's, it's still come out here. I do just, I think they've set up a very good system where the person responsible for your anger is on the other side of the fucking planet. Aye. And so that's what I, what a fucking very quick and easy way of just making it into somebody else's problem where's my luggage man no idea

you just got here you think they have a laugh with it you think they go oh fucking cold you didn't put that bag on Mr Gordon Isaacs you didn't put that bag on the flight that was to Vancouver

and they're like fucking I dare you to put it on that wanted turkey dare you pussy you forfeit you forgot to put it on you're putting it on the trip to Turkey he's like oh but the bloke may have medication there he's not going to put it on that one turkey. Dare you. Pussy, you forfeit. You forgot to put it on.

You're putting it on the trip to Turkey. He's like, oh, but the bloke may have medication there. He's not going to get it anyway. Tell Frankfurt. I reckon it's poorly programmed, Ant. I reckon it's just like human beings who are just cogs in the machine. Just not paying attention.

Just, just, what I imagine everyone at American Airlines is doing is that when we hit it just before I besmirched them. Yes. Yeah, you did hit them. Yeah. Uh-huh. So hard to remember.

Cara was booking me flights because we've got to go to my cousin's wedding. She was like, which airline do you hit again? And I'm like, oh, fuck. Like at this point, it's a lot of them. Yeah, but American Airlines gives you the points for British Airways

because you had a rant about, this was when British Airways was good, you had a rant about how they could be partner airlines. It's like Gary Glitter and actual glitter.

Oh yes. So you had that rant. See, I don't know why you hated them but you did. But the fact that they're partner up with British Airways is worth it for the points.

No, I'm stopping, I'm stopping. I'm stopping my collection with Peter now. I'm shopping out. Oh, yeah. How much are you likely to have? Star Alliance, what's that? Lufthansa?

Not sure. I'm going to see. I'm flying out to Australia for Rhys and Kyron's wedding. So I'm going to see what that, because that's a big distance. Ah, I see. And then work at what that is that like because that's a big that's a big distance and then start looking around what I mean what are the best airlines I don't know answers on a postcard it's where we get interactive

with wellest us like I feel like we should know more than them I but they care more oh that's only true if nick cody's listening to this i've only ever cared since i got into the british airways obvious points i think i'm big on collecting them like it would be quite a big transition for me to move now oh see that's why i don't give into those ponzi schemes ponzi. Do you ever collect NECNA points? I do, but I'm not as devastated as the person from St. Spree's is when I don't have my card.

Like, they're like, do you have one of these cards? And I'm like, yep. And they're like, do you have it on you? And I'm like, no. And they're like, oh, we can look in the system.

And I'm like, today's just a no. Like, I'm not a look my address up type of guy. Let's see this shop. It's fucking gone. not a look my address up type of guy let's this shop it's fucking gone he has a receipt with a number on it you can go online you're not doing that

nope not doing that it's not not a little fucking treasure hunt I collect some nature points and then you do it for like seven years

and then Christmas Cara goes maybe now is the time maybe we should maybe we should spend all of our nature points

on the Christmas shop this year. And the Christmas shop comes to £178. And you're like, oh my God, that's so much alcohol. We're buying it for like 20p. Oh my God, my God. How much is our nectar points going to get us off? It's got you down to £138. £7.80.

And if you had taken your card on all of those shops that you talk about then that would have been more Yeah but again up from £50 to £57 Natalie clicked points walking the dog Huh? She's got an app called

Fuck Bone or something An app called Fuck Bone Fuck Bone Is it like Tinder for dogs? or something. An app called Fuck Bone. Fuck Bone. Get Fuck Bone. Okay. Is it like Tinder for dogs? Shit's called Bone. I don't know why I'm getting a mental block.

It might be the cannabis. But she basically sets it off when she goes on a walk. It's got a GPS on just to make sure you're not cheating, just sitting in the house and setting it away. And you get £10 off different stuff. you're just going right you've worked on you get 10 points off of what like august or whatever right for doing what like the dog for collecting points

i think it's sponsored by the insurance companies because people are keeping their animals healthy i've no idea how the funds that vouchers hold on i've got no idea how the fund that vouchers I've got no idea how the fund that vouchers but Natalie gets money off from walking the dog if anyone's gonna find that scheme it's Natalie I swear to fuck I'm not saying it doesn't exist I'm just saying

I don't believe it happens the way you've explained it she sets the GPS away, whacks the dog one name was stopped for a paint on the dog walk and had a painted guinness watching the tennis uh-huh right and then carried on and whacked back and it had kept the because the gps walked and they would stop for a bit it mustn't like once you're moving keep tracking you so it's not because you know that dog walker stopped and chat to you so it might just assume that you're just stopping for a chat with stuff for a pint and then she

collected points on a boner looking at it like I'm a square egg so somebody out there if they wanted to have several giant hamster wheels with people running for the first five minutes

on this bone app. They couldn't go on treadmills because the GPS needs to be set up. Let's say I put them on the fucking Edmonton tram system then. Now we're talking. We're going to be rich. Am I going to be rich? How

are they giving her money for this? You're going to have vouchers. Where's advertising space coming from? I've got no idea. I don't know how she's getting these vouchers for walking the dog, but she is. Look, my wife's on a napkin. I said, what's that?

She panicked. She's like, eh, it's a dog walking up. Yeah, I've got walking up And I go What the fuck I just got your head And a bone With this bone It's class

She's got to go for walks Late at night Just keep going for a walk I'm like Don't forget Peggy You've taken the lead I'm so like I'm mad

mad honestly at your age forget the dog Jesus what are you like I don't remember the lead Reminisced about one of your jokes

From 30 seconds ago Yeah Aye Reminisced or heard for the first time He caught up with us Ran up, tapped us on the shoulder And went Remember me from earlier

When you were thinking So Shit is getting points bud I just I just So Shit is getting points But I just I just Don't And what

I'm sorry Points on what? Points on Avios? Points on Like on the app Right Like within the app It's its own system

Okay You know like It doesn't add The Anecdote points To your Avios points But what does it? It just honestly gives you bags of crisps

and that if you whack your dog. Gives you a fucking bit of money off Milan Carta. Yeah. I don't know what other vouchers you get. August is the one

that we did have because you didn't get 10 point off your suitcase. From whacking the dog. I didn't get it either. It's not. Shall we look it up? No, I don't know.

I'm trying to be judgment free because, you know. I wonder if Natalie's just like, I wonder what I can get away with telling him that he'll just eat up. But sometimes she'll like have walked the dog. She'll get in, she'll be like, I didn't fucking set off the app. I had to whack her again. Come on, pick it.

I've just wasted that walk for nothing. Motherfucker. That'd be class if there was other apps like that where you pack your bag and do your dishes and all that and you just register it and it's like, well done, you've done your life chores. ffocor y byddai'n dda os ydych chi'n dweud hynny fel pecyn eich bag a'ch bwydau a'r holl hyn a chi'n registru ac mae'n dweud, wel, rydych chi wedi gwneud eich bywyd a'ch rhai a chael rhai arian. Ydych chi'n gallu gwneud gwybodaeth yn union, dim ond gwneud eich bwydau a'ch bob? fucking YouTube self help guru Game of Fire Bits and Bob by an early

2010 influencer I think that's a fucking unique piece there I think that's a go go whack I don't think anyone's ever said Game of Fire Bits and Bob Nonsense no way I absolutely think people

have I think it's like an early 2010s reference I just ADHD people passing off stuff before it was like before it was called no they were ever so you thought bucket list was a thing before the film came along there's a term that makes me feel bigoted but got this no neurodiverse all right just mocking free every time somebody says the words neurodiversity i go ah the goal posts have moved again not that i don't that's not my way of saying it. I don't, you know. Neurodivergent sounds like a band that music's not for me.

It's not my way of saying it. I don't believe people with autism and ADHD exist. But it's just like, you know, when they just keep coming up with more and more inclusive terms and you're like, all right, okay. Surely we're all neurodiverse

yeah they're trying to say there's a neurotypical and everybody just thinks the same because i think that's a little bit no i think i think every single individual that you've blanketed with the neurotypical term i think everyone's heads are their own experience yeah so like i die well i think it's very much that i think it's very much What is normal You know And then The fact that I don't overthink Commonly, I don't feel like a part of a majority

Yeah I feel like The majority of people overthink Yep So that would make them neurotypical When you're Thinking what you wait when you're thinking what's happening cuz you know you know visualizing shit I'm neurodiverse yeah check this you'd reckon that's why you can be an inventor because you can if I can picture anything that didn't exist

it's hard with directions I was on a Newcastle podcast that talk about this already I thought I struggled em I struggled to name the particular strip I was talking about Because I couldn't bring the football strip up in my head So like the colour The shape of it Unless I've made a mental note of what it looks like I'd know it if I saw it

But then It was like I can't bring an image Of the thing I'm trying to explain up in my head hmm that's that's difficult you wouldn't be able to I don't think it was like design a plane from scratch you've never seen planes before how many people look like you know if I left the room now huh right and I come back in would you know what I was wearing before I come back in could you say like could you have told somebody I was wearing before I come back in could you say like could you have

told somebody oh he was wearing shorts he was wearing white socks he had these damn sore t-shirt on oh god yeah probably is that not what

visual recall is can you like can you like bring back an image that was just there a moment ago yes right

because I kind of think that so if somebody leaves the room unless I have like told myself like you're wearing cream like put in my head like i've made an actual like post-it note that you're wearing these kind of lovely nanas curtains jordans that's the flavor of autism i'd take his photographic memory yeah you'd like that if they could just like the matrix just put it into one particular

of the covid vaccines just the strain for that type of autism put it in my fucking neck and then I wonder if having aphantasia means you can't get PTSD because you're not getting images

of the trauma that happened here interesting well could a blind person get PTSD but they if they have a visual imagination and the visual imagination could serve up the bomb that went off that made them blind no no but they were playing before and trauma happened to them could they still get PTSD I'd say yes so they probably fit they'd probably imagine up like we're worse than what actually happened they have a really fat everybody's capable of that whether you see it or not hmm so you'd like to be able to remember everything vivid as fuck? No, but I would like to, you know, be able to... Matthew Ellis is always really good at it. If you give Matthew Ellis a day of the year,

no one will be able to tell you what day of the week it was. He'll tell you, if he was with you, what clothes you were wearing. Oh, really? Yeah. He recalls everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very specific with clothes. He'd be like,

do you remember that time that I told the, you know, frosty blowjob joke at the Stardust Comedy Club? And he'd be like, yep, 2012,

you were wearing a blue polo shirt, yellow trousers. I was in preparation for the Fringe Show, probably July. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had spaghetti hanging over your ear palms were sweaty knees were weak

there was one on your sweater I think it would be handy to have because I think like well first of all you know your phone dies your phone's on your phone dies that's your phone's on 1% battery

that's absolutely fine just give Twitter just one fucking massive scroll just click click click click click click click click

phone dies shut your eyes you'd use your super power to doom scroll doom scroll in the sky you'd fucking quickly get as much

shite in the air heat as possible so you can just sit in other people's company and ignore them and just fucking

flicker in your eyelids you're looking at tweets from fucking Dan Wooten it's been like fucking

god Ali Don on threads is so good today um yeah yeah I think it would be mostly my super God, Ali Dawn on Threads is so good today. Yeah, yeah. I think it would be mostly... My superpower would be having social media when I'm offline.

That's what you've just said. You sad bastard. I'd have Wi-Fi on the underground. Oh, what would you use it for fucking remembering your dog you fucking

loser i got a lovely video off my ipad yesterday did you i've put it on social media i put it on

instagram so you haven't seen it yet but everyone else has my ipad just put together clip compilation of my dog

as if she was dead it was just like just just remember remembering someone that's still alive did it do that thing where it obviously it's it's like the phone itself recognizing the dog and the dog that you're in the most force with and be like therefore this is his dog i'll put this into a compilation and then sometimes uh it'll put a different dog into other compilations because they'll be like therefore this is his dog i'll put this into a compilation and then sometimes uh it'll put a different dog into other compilations because they'll be like oh maybe this is like a second dog they have but it's just dogs for the dog park um does it think peggy shaved is a different dog to peggy you know what there was none of us shaved in there but there was one of our fairly recently clipped back, but not like fully shaved.

But it was labeled pets over the years. Oh, so the one. Okay. There was a belt I once saved up from my iPad a couple of months ago that was cooking over the years. Right. And it was just like, he has some steaks in a pan. He has some food in a restaurant. He has Natalie's like slaving over the years, right? And it was just like, he has some steaks in a pan, he has some food in a restaurant, he has Natalie's, like,

slaving over the grill. And then just, he has Mark Nelson having a line of Coke. And then it's like, and then back to some goujons. It's just like, all food, all food, just Mark Nelson just having a rake, a line.

Next to some chicken goujons, important to point out. Those actually were the same photo. I just thought he was a potato. That must have been just the flour on the bench. I think that's often a bit

intrusive from your phone occasionally. Being like, hey, here's a compilation of all your loved ones. You're like, man, I think it's fine now that I'm a married man and it's just offering me many different compilations of my son growing up over the year

or kittens over the years or me and Cara at various different places around the world. But what if I was a young whore again sleeping around. And it just puts a featured photo on the homepage of your iPad. Just tits and cocks. And it's like, oh, pets over the years. And then it's just compilations of different nudes,

different close-ups of buttholes that people have sent me over the years that I've saved into my roll. Your camera roll just being, yeah, just still collecting the stuff. close-ups of buttholes that people have sent me over the years even saved into my role your camera role just being yeah just still collecting the stuff that you know because you turn that off after a little while the whatsapp saving the photos from whatsapp because you go in the media links and docs and you can pick the ones that you want right but when it used to just put it straight in their camera roll oh there's some shite in my archive of photos from before i switched that off yeah Especially from WhatsApp groups

you put in. My squaddy mate from home's 40th where it's all his squaddy mates and everybody's name comes up as a number when they text. You don't want the photos they're sending in your camera roll to be served up as

the featured photo on your iPad when your wife looks for a recipe. I still don't understand why Americans have never jumped onto WhatsApp. Oh, they haven't? I missed a message off my brother the other day because he sent it on SMS. I just didn't get it.

Yeah, who's just doing that? Texting someone SMS is like writing someone a letter instead of an email yeah it's very odd it's just like i don't know if because i'm pretty sure sms is only go through they don't go into their own sundays anymore they just go through postal rules i think uh if it's iphone iphone again it's like a blue message yeah yeah then you know if it turns green if like i sent you an sm SMS like you're probably gonna have to pay

for it before you get it yeah didn't put the correct stamp on this if you both got iPhones it was blue straight away and that sent via the internet but if you from a Samsung to SMS somebody with an iPhone what happens is a somebody the post office gets your message has to to write it out, and then post it to... Samsung. Post it to Apple, who then type it up, put it into their machine, and then text it to you. And it will only go blue on your end, it'll still be green on ours.

There's got to be a better way. There's got to be a better way. There is. WhatsApp. WhatsApp. We're not sponsored by WhatsApp or anything. I don't even think they know we exist. There's also to be a better person than that WhatsApp We're not sponsored by WhatsApp or anything I don't even think they know we exist There's also Telegram

I only know Telegram for drug dealing So like we use messages I won't wait or I won't fucking Get away and they sell everything there Now heaps of people Join Telegram and I'm like Oh you're definitely here for drugs You're definitely here for drugs

And then there's other people you like wonder what else telegram is for because you just seem to be someone who's you know friend of an old friend's dad 67 years old has joined telegram you're like must be someone to do with plumbers must use it as well then so do you think this people doing their like moonlighting tax evasion no I don't think it's I don't think it's I don't think it's set up to be... Like, fiddle jobs. No, no, it's not set up to be a criminal app.

It's just like an encrypted message system. So has it just become a messenger? Well, I'm not sure. Maybe these people are here for drugs. I mean, that's the only way they can chat to their sons, if they can, on the drug-dealing website. Oh, yeah. Cash for show on child as a drug dealer yeah just make

sure your kids get the good stuff being like no you have to get out and buy from trip test it that's the main thing get it and then sell it back to your kid again I've been a good dad hi his mum told me to watch out for him and I think I've tested all of these drugs I've sold him all of his drugs at a decent price now by the way, I've only marketed up by enough to cover my stuff that I'm having just getting my son to buy his drugs

I tell these mum I look good for him so I make him buy his drugs got him hooked now he's addicted, pussy what do you think of Winnipeg haven't really spent much time outdoors I enjoyed Calgary and the thing I kind of like about Winnipeg

is there's lots of forests just out there and they've just sort of built the city around it and through it. So we're in quite a big forest right now, aren't we? By the looks of it. I think, I think so. I mean, all of Canada is in nature. Correct me if I'm wrong. Well, we flew past some, is that whistling? Is that in my ears? In what?

Did I just have like, oh, you know, when you're starting to get buzzing in your own ears? No, never heard that. Like a tinnitus or something? No. Never had it No And you think that Everybody can hear it I was like

Did you just hear that noise In my head I don't think it's you But yeah You'll be able to hear it I think it's you Having an aneurysm We flew past some

Banging mountains On the way here In the Vancouver Did you wake up in time for that We did I've not slept on any Of the internal flights I'll have, you know. Nah? Nah.

Have you been digging? I've been playing The Long Dark because for some reason being in the cities of Canada, I'm like ah, I can now play this lonesome plane

crash up in the fucking frozen L-tops of the Canadian Wilderness game because that's what I'm going through now in the city summers I just love this game and every now and again I just go through a phase of want It's like an empty city, it's like zombie apocalypse

but without the zombies No, everyone's gone you crash land somewhere And you've just got to survive For as long as possible Any civilisations? Can you win it? Can you get back to civilisation?

I mean you can go to all the towns And the places And loot them for food Is anybody there? They are, they're all dead though, they're all frozen Can you build a life for yourself? Well, I mean, it depends how loose...

You can build a life for yourself. You can become a master of the... What Ron Swanson's character in The Last of Us had going on before he met his lover. Yeah, God, I want that for an entire fucking season. Like, stop giving me Marvel movies. Take some of the budget away from the marvel

movies and give me the two gay characters from episode three of the last of us just for a season show me everything they did show me all the gayness all the way through give me the full decorating episodes and by the way i don't mind if it's i don't mind if it's a fucking in-house sitcom i'll accept that you'll have it a bit like uh wonder vision no i i i would prefer if it was in the tone that i've been given now but i am willing to take it in any fucking form right i want it to be uh wholesome um i don't need to see more gay sex um and i don't need to see more kissing but i'm also not saying to not to those listening uh he's winking at the camera right now no no no i'm just saying you know i feel like there

were people out there who you know if they were from certain parts of america or india or russia watching the two men kiss each other they would would get like quite fucking angry. I'm just saying, I didn't feel any anger at all. And it's like, it's like hot sauce in it. The more you take it, the more you get used to it. The more it starts being pleasant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thinking, ah, you've just got too much hot sauce in you, at least. Yeah. So I'm just, I'm just saying, if you're going to be making,

if you're going to be slipping more gay stuff into the mainstream media, I think you can go gear. Because I'm telling you, episode three of The Last of Us

did not touch the sights. I've gone through seven seasons of Queer Eye. Come on. You'll need to go a lot gear than

that. Is Queer Eye where the dress is straight, dude? No, it used to be just a straight dude. Because it used that. Is Queer Eye where they dress a straight dude? No, no, no. It used to be just a straight dude because it used to be called Queer Eye for the straight guy.

Now it's just called Queer Eye. So now they're just being... So now they just dress anyone and everyone. Yeah. That hedgehog. They dress he's, she's, they's, they's. Salads. Salads, aye.

Some of them are more useful than others. Otherwise I was trying to undress them. No, just some of them have more important jobs than the other ones, and some of the other ones have jobs that are more visible. Think of them like the Power Rangers. You know, we all have our favourites. They're like in a rainbow. Uh-huh.

Red, orange, yellow, blue. What is it again? Richard of York I'm sorry There's a rhyming couplet For remembering the Power Rangers Ah, the rainbow Richard of York gave battle in vain

Oh man, why didn't I run with that Go again, do that again Richard of York, red, orange, yellow Gave battle in vain Green, Red, White, Yellow. Give battle in vain. Green, blue, indigo, violet. Huh. I've never heard that in my life. Really?

That's how I remember the rainbow. No, I remember it from the song that's incorrect. What was the... What's the song that's incorrect? Red and yellow and pink and green. Orange and purple and blue. I can and purple and blue i can sing a rainbow thing of rainbow that's like that before why are you telling me this as kids why are you just given with misinformation um uh what's what's the film where he said the easy way to remember the planet is them some. Oh, I do remember that.

It's just like a really unmemorable word, but it stuck. So it worked. You know, unless you've got the answer, you've just led us down the dead end. I thought we would have the answer, some would. I was hoping you would, but it takes two people to complete a pass. I just hoped you didn't run onto it. We're both fucking useless.

Surprised the manager still let me play. I've been playing Zelda, and I don't know how I'm, I don't know how I'm supposed to play it. Cause like, it's just like, here's where the, we've got to do with your feet up on the bed. The quest point is,

huh? You're gonna do with your feet up on the bed. I mean, just talked to talk to him. You got to make yourself a little full. It's so cozy. Right. So I get,

I get, I get myself cosy have you got the fucking annoyingly we bet how I got the word the fucking the aim assist thing that's very annoying

with the Nintendo Switch oh yeah that's annoying where if you move your arms while you're holding the controller it'll be like oh I assume you want that to aim and you're like under no circumstance

also nah man Nintendo you will never not fuck me up with B being where it is I assume you want that to aim and you're like under no circumstance. Also, Nintendo, you will never not fuck me up with baby and where it is and a being where it is advanced, advancing back or swapped around the bottom one, whether it's X on the PlayStation, what's the X box,

what's the bottom one on the X box a a so it should be that that one should always be go. And then we're always back agree on that because we've got muscle memory we're not gonna just play switch game I do I do think there should be laws like you know after several years of different phones coming out the you go together and you're like all right one one charging socket for everything you're all doing it because otherwise it's dangerous for the environment they've got to do this with controls with controls they're like x x is only ever allowed to be down the bottom here this is only ever like we go that's only allowed to pass pro evo and fifa sort your shit out one of you's pass and one of you's log that's it yeah that's it and then even

like bringing up the weapon wheel is like left up on the day pad you should always always the weapon wheel should be the top bomber I got a wall any game any game just name who are you naming in Zelda when you have you get a horse you get to name your horses who are you naming them after you've got to pick some sort of some trope I've gone for Chelsea legends you've had for Chelsea legends oh there goes over I like I mean I may go for places where you land on that for eight oh okay how many can you name all right shifty shaft nope yes mm-hmm I made it changed but like the original mm-hmm I'm an old school I don't know what's now huh and Oh Palm Springs yeah clay yeah just be your mastermind top of belly chance you

know what this is so mad cuz you know when we're talking about being able to bring up memories like we've spent so much time staring at that map hours and hours at the very start of lockdown was it and it was before because it was well it was well before it was actually before my um stag do because you kept pretending that it was my stag on fortnight remember you and matty so it would be me and my two best men in fortnight and you'd be like can i come over here and you just drop a portion again do your shot it's your stack and then don't be pushing on fortnight and you would make on that it was mr so was that 2017. so shifty shafts i still don't think shifty shafts is one i think you're just you've stuck because it sounds like one it is

it's the one with the like railway carts going into the Cana Mountain the quarry sorry I'm just saying I've got zero faith in you and then

what was the place that we used to go to like Tilted Towers Tilted Towers that's where Snobby Shores Snobby Shores

that's where I was looking at that's where I'm in by Palm Springs Snobby Shores is where what I meant by Palm Springs snobby shores is what you mean my palm springs hey great so there's good to get up it's named after the toilet time tell it I wasn't on haunted Hill uh-huh mm-hmm you're doing that thing that old people doing just cramming things together that sound correct. I am old. You are.

You are. I'm glad you're taking your fucking glasses off. I actually haven't replaced them. I just took them off just for your sake. As any of our fans commented on what a disgusting piece of shit you look like with your glasses on and just how much you look like a pedo. Mostly I do that too. It's really bad when I put them on.

I tried the one of her Makara and she was very very upset and I don't know like kind of finds me attractive I like it like most the time I think she doesn't like showing it because I thrive on attention but you know she finds me attractive she was like reviled there was was like a 15 minute cool down of me taking them off and her being like, I'm still not okay to touch yet. Natalie found it very funny that you were like, did you not want to run it past her? She's listening to that episode now.

She's like, why would you run it past her? I was really confident this time. She's like, every time you choose any familiar road. It's just, the world is made. Because it's not a pride thing in your mind. You'll be like, oh, I'll show them. I'll get it right this time. It's, you know, I ask Carla for help on things.

I'm like, I'm not smart when it comes to this particular thing. You make these decisions here. Give me your advice. I will apply your opinion to mine. Sometimes you never just want to buy something thing you make these decisions here give me your advice i will apply your opinion to mine sometimes you never just want to buy something that you like just with any outside influence yeah absolutely i buy fucking heaps of shoes but like if every time i bought a pair of shoes gotta win fucking what jesus really uh really fuck man grow yuck really? Ugh. Really? Fuck, man. Grow. Yuck. Come on, man.

Don't do that. That would be toxic. It would. And I'd probably learn by the second one to not do that. It's the fact that when I buy anything, it's not just my wife, it's everyone.

Why? It's not as if there's people, you know, when me and Craig Hill were out in Australia and I was walking around in a swimming costume and shorts he took me out shopping I listened to his advice, I was like okay

you can tell me what to buy he tells me what I look good in, I listen to him Can you remember one day when I, I think it was when I was going to record me How To Be Happy special and you were there because we flew back from Cork Independence Festival or Electric Picnic Or something

And I went on H&M to get a sweater for recording me special Because I'd just been at a music festival So I had like grubby clothes on I wanted to get changed into clean clothes And can you remember when I bought this sweater It had zips up the side The zips went up to about there But it was a normal sweater But with zips from the hip To zips went up to about there but it was a normal sweater but with zips

from the hip to like halfway under the armpit there and it had holly what like hollywood but what instead of wood right but i just like grabbed a sweater with some writing on and bought it and i just put it on and a couple of people what the fuck is that you're wearing you can't wear that but it's special and it never got worn ever again I never wanted but like do you know

the funny part with that is I don't know what was going through my head fucking elevator music well you know when I looked

again well I never had much good fashion but somebody does and they made that and they put it

on sale at TK Maxx so fucking they're not going to sell it if it's not good right I chucked down this fucking stupid ridiculous garment with zips in it and a play on a word that nobody

asked for or wanted and everyone was just like wait what's that for? I've got form to call it form is to make you spin it as a positive thing And everyone was just like, wait, what's that for? I've got form. To call it form is to make you spin it as a positive thing. You've got previous. Like football players are on form.

Good form. This one, you're buying things for yourself. No, no. Bad form. I meant bad form. Oh, also you need to tell these people That you were talking to your bitch wife the other day Whoa That's what you called her

Turns out Natalie Humphries did spend A year of her life changing her signatures Changing her name and everything To Natalie Humphries But you forgot that because why Kai? Because why I wasn't around, you weren't around.

Ah, yeah. During those early months, those first few months, the first year, first 18 months, first 18 months after being married, you're spending your time,

might be spending your time with your, your beloved. We didn't know the Netflix bubble was gonna stay inflated we'll forward just got we just thought we're just getting like 100 years working a year and a half and we had to get it all done otherwise it'll go away and we'll just be like why the fuck did we not just workloads then yeah and then I just kept happening and happening and happening and happening and happening like our class class but will that's what happened we could have spread out a bit more for

news memories it did have the longevity because we worked so hard at the top ever fought with that it does make sense though that while Natalie was confused about like her own signature and getting her name changed over at Wise for so often on that tour, you kept shouting, Natalie who? Natalie who? Natalie who? Natalie what? I was worried I wouldn't recognise her when I saw her.

Imagine if I did It was that bad Because I can't Bring up an image of Natalie But you know if like If I didn't have photos If I never saw pictures Never facetimed Do you think you could actually forget what somebody looks like

I would I would love to For two hours or three hours sit down with you and just for us both to while putting in as much effort as we can, draw our wives from memory

we could give it a shot like there's a pizza box right there we'll draw on the back of that I think I would be better at drawing Cara than you would be I could draw Cara From memory And I've got a foundation

I wouldn't even know How to start drawing Natalie Yeah You like soft shading I'd use the side of the pencil Yeah But it wouldn't look like a Soft shade And I'd use the side of the pencil Yeah But it wouldn't look like a No

Do you reckon you would try to do her body Or would you just go for the face Oh damn the face isn't that Probably head and shoulders Yeah Okay I don't think it without a picture without like yeah you know his kids yeah absolutely of course well I used paints

before like okay the pitch you want oil water colors oil paints I want to have one of them things that you put your thumb through I probably wouldn't use that hand though because that means I would be painting my right hand I'll pay it I want to have one of them things that you put your thumb through I probably wouldn't use that hand though because that means I would be painting my right hand now be sloppy maybe left I'll paint the one but it's all texture because you're using like big clubs to be like fucking that's a sheep yeah you know you'll mix them together and get like a kind of range of color I dip in what's that do just you know if you get like Green What does yellow and blue

Make again green? One of the first things you learn as a child That was a long time ago man Yeah yeah yeah okay If we want to put it down to memory that's fine So you're mixing yellow and blue and then it'll start making green but you also have like yellow tin

and the blue blue tin to green you'd have like the mixing of it so you can pick and choose and now I'm not

going to agree on this picture but as an example because she's a green eyed snake wow yeah

you're the one painting her eyes are green are they I don't think aren't Alice eyes are brown you said green eyed snake oh yeah okay so yeah Yeah You're the one painting there Eyes are green In your mind's eye Are they? I don't think Are Natalie's eyes changed? Her eyes are brown You said green-eyed snake

Oh yeah okay Certainly yeah Also you said they'd be brown Like come on I'm very lucky I don't have to remember What colour her eyes are No

Do you get any Asians With blue eyes? Asians? Which Asians? Natalie like Says that That oldman isn't Asian But it is They don't answer that as Asian I don't think

But it is in Asia Is it? I don't think they identify as Asian But they're in the continent of Asia Right okay None of them have blue eyes In that continent Not a single one

I can't tell you what colour Eyes Karen's got I think blue You're always looking at your phone You don't know what colour eyes are from pictures of her Yeah but Caelan's my background Caelan's my background Well do you not scroll through pictures of the MS's

And that also Don't do that I'll also do that but what a funny thing to make you feel bad about yeah maybe go on and somebody's just

looking at my birds there's you just whatever you're doing playing snake looking at bitches and you're a creed like snake creed like snake

snake with mint tits so you don't know what colour your wife's eyes are? I do, let's say blue They're definitely blue I knew that Let's say blue Yeah I don't know When's your birthday?

Birthday is 29th of July Oh that's soon, that's when he's wedding. 1993. Ten years younger than me. When's my son's birthday? 9th of February? Is that true? February or March?

February. 9th. 9th. Aye. That's what I just said. I just reminded you, that's why. Where are you getting them? um it's eight months away at christmas comes first okara's already like you know christmas has a new purpose now

it's you know last year last year he had no idea what was going on this year he might be slightly aware like if he even says a word that's close to Santa or Rudolph or anything he's like at the edge where he'll he'll triple his fucking presence like yeah Kara will be so easy to break on the young he's not gonna have any memory of this so let's not spoil them there's been no point doing it this This is where I come in and this is where I bought my nephew at this age. I bought my nephew like a floor piano. Just like noisy shit. That's just going to be

chaos for them and they're going to love it but the parents are like for fuck's sake. Yeah. You're a bad person. Not to the kid. Not to the kid. That's me putting the kid first. It's not really putting the kid first because he wouldn't it's not really putting the kid first

you wouldn't get the kid that thing because it's going to be so fucking inconvenient to have yeah somebody comes home and buys it

the kid gets to enjoy the thing that the parents would never have bought them yeah but if you could have just bought the kid anything else

then they also would have enjoyed that thing it seems like you're specifically buying a thing that the kid doesn't know

is annoying and therefore I'll be coming over and just like pulling're specifically buying a thing that the kid doesn't know is annoying. I'll be coming over and just pulling out the pots and pans and the wooden spoons and that. Just staring. Just me staring. And I make them play the drums. What are you getting Natalie for Christmas this year? Are you going to do

your psycho, psycho Not get anything We don't love each other so we'll just ignore each other I regret that yeah We spoke about it a bit I can't remember what I got I bought a ticket to the Hamilton in flight

I have come up with the ultimate anniversary present for Cara For the first year what i've really nailed it like it's a very good one it's very very good like it'll get me i've gone places they points for years and years and years they'll be spoken about it's a good one um and i should i should do it for the first if i said yeah no no no sorry this is next year will be our first

year's wedding anniversary I've got an idea already of something I want to do as a gift for her it's really good because it's got to do with our last wedding this year's wedding or do I just sit on it for

five years and then is it something that you could do that with Or Or Do I just sit on it for five years And then Oh Is it something that you could do that with I could do But I would feel like a bastard for doing it Like I feel like it's got to come out of the Can you tell us what it is

I can't off Off air But just on the off chance she listens to it Yeah Aye Do that thing I did for Natalie Sturgis eh no aye

okay put up my arse alright then that thing I did where I sent all of our friends an envelope yeah

10 envelopes and 10 cards the same colour and got them to write memories and send them back same colour and got them to write memories and send them back and I just got all of that memories

off my mates written down in envelopes hundreds of envelopes you know what I had and then you lost them yeah yeah not my memory

yeah did she even open them all she dips into it now and again when she's low aye never never because I'm such a good husband keep her pretty high

the whole time I mean I would love to get I'd love to find out what her actual answer was well that's just happy with us yeah she'll have a number of complaints yeah yeah but if I could get like a full fucking like MOT

score from her. 70%. Yeah, you think? 70%. 70%? 70% good than bad, aye. 70%, yeah, 70%. I, you know.

I'll fucking, I'll have a little whinge new and again. I mean, David's shoes will be too tight new and again. Yeah. We sometimes contradict each other and a bit fucking contrary with each other but happens to me just disagree with each other do it again so we could we could mark up but make none of its there That's very funny Natalie Corrected us on something on a text today That I sent about a week ago With proof

And then the next thing that she sent Was also contradicting something I sent In a separate conversation I don't know I'm going to get my phone Is this just your way of being like I am wrong a lot It is me publicly admitting that I am wrong a lot It is me publicly Obtaining that I am wrong a lot which I assumed Anyway The first one was

You know there's a roundabout Right that It's two lanes on two lanes off Right you can turn left go straight On or turn right In my eyes right Turn left to indicate off the roundabout left You turn right to indicate off the roundabout left you turn right to indicate off the roundabout right

and you just didn't indicate at all to go straight on at the roundabout oh well you have to indicate left to let the person know you're coming off after the first turn aye so that's the correct answer that Matt Lee brought up today because I was like

nah if I'm going straight on there's nobody on the outside lane to me that's turning right I was like now if I'm going straight on there's nobody on the outside laying to me that's turning right I'm not cutting anyone off I'm going straight on then if I indicate left here that suggests I'm gonna switch lanes into the left lane from the right lane and I'm going straight on at that roundabout you know it's cutting over it straight lane you better use the steering wheel at all right if I indicate left I feel like roundabout itself is the road so any veering

off of that is a turning left off of the road i think when it's just a cross section one and there's no if you if you were turning if you were turning right if you were taking the third exit would you indicate left for that one i was taking the third exit third exit so I'd be indicating right and then yeah I would actually I'd indicate left to say this is the one I'm coming off but I think like going and then you do left I don't know how you're telling everybody knows

everybody already knows that you're not cutting anybody off nobody's waiting their turn because you indicate but the person behind you but the person behind you I mean how are they meant to know that you're going that you're going

so that's where Natalie called us up because I was just saying she was just saying you didn't indicate on the roundabout after slagging someone for not indicating on the roundabout earlier I was like yeah but I went straight on

blah blah like didn't fall out over it just oh that's not true I saw you crying I saw you crying in the airport I cried in front of her

and then uh so where is it sorry but this i thought was a lot sooner than that and then she sent us a video from a dog trainer saying about why something i said about training dogs was incorrect yeah it was like two completely different things about her back and then she It was like two completely different things back and forth, and then she just went... Haha, I was just on Facebook, and I was watching the Glasgow Dog Trainer videos, and he's got one about slip leads, and I've just sent you it,

and then I've just realised that the last thing I've sent you is that you have to indicate a roundabout, so it feels like I'm just pointing out all the stuff that I disagree with you for, but completely two separate and unrelated things that just came up. But every time I go round and round about, I'm watching other cars to see if they indicate when they're going straight on when they leave the exit.

And I'd say about 75% of them do. And I had to look it up, and I looked it up. So I still love you. You see what I mean all right it puts over the lawyer's shit oh right I'm going to go build myself a bow oh yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna aim for a quest item on the edge of the map right and just do about three hours of fucking nothing between there and the quest item. Is that all Zelda is? Yeah. You just build stuff

with bits of wood that you find on the road, and then you forgot what quest you're on. Yep. And then we become lost. Alright. See you on Thursday.