Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.42: Bruv and Hate Speech

Episode Date: August 9, 2023

While Muggins continues his 2023 wedding tour Cream is joined by podcast favourite Elliot Steel who is off the blocks at the Edinburgh fringe festival with his new show 'Love and Hate Speech'

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Hello, mate.

Hello, mate. It's been ages. Yeah, not only has it been ages since you and I have been together, because last time was at the wedding, and even then you didn't really get to see each other. Benidorm. We had five minutes in an airport. We did.

Yeah, we did. Five minutes in an airport. Oh, yeah. And I, yeah, fuck it, let's break that up now. I was so angry at you immediately in Benidorm because for a three-day trip, you brought fucking luggage. Yeah. yeah fuck it let's break that up now I was so angry at you immediately in Benidorm because for a three day trip you brought

fucking luggage yeah Matt what are you doing well I had a luggage case and I I checked it in and I was just there

going I just need a rucksack this is this is ridiculous I need a minute I went I saw you we were like

oh mate it's great to be here and I went I've got a I've got to pick up my luggage from the carousel and I saw you, we were like, oh, mate, it's great to be here. And I went, I've got to pick up my luggage from the carousel. And I saw you immediately, just the life drained from your eyes. Just a seasoned fucking pro traveler. And you were like, well, I only have 10 kilograms of stuff. So I put it, obviously, I checked it in.

I stood in the queue and I'm like, this fucking rookie, man. And then you described the bag to me, started telling me a story. And I went, is that your bag? And it went, what? Yeah, no, for someone who travels a lot, I really fuck it up on a massive basis. Well, I'd be very excited because one of my big, I don't have many dreams in comedy because having achieved as much as I have,

I think it would be very selfish to have any more. But one thing I would love to do one thing I like when I see other comedians do it I'm like that's what I want is like the big version of you know

so and so and friends on the road like not I've done a couple in the UK and they're fun but like I'm like it would be very good

to go over with you know four support acts the way Kevin Hart does yeah it's an American style yeah he goes out with the fucking five openers, right? Which I, which, like, get me, don't get me wrong,

it's a really excessive amount of time. And in America, they don't really have intervals per se. It's a lot of tables, so it might be different in the fucking arenas. But like, I'm like, I would very much like to do that, like go on the road, take out you, take out Ganneth, take out Cullen, Nelson, and out carlin nelson and all of our friends and sort of put them on rotation we haven't got a diverse enough group for you to survive

doing that no i mean that's yeah yeah yeah white men comedy line up very quickly and then the danger is it's like right so we would sit there and and because we've all grown in the past couple of years we would be like right okay, this is very straight white man. So what we should do is we should definitely invite a woman along. And then all of us would go. Unless it's Jojo Sutherland. In which case we could get away with fucking everything. Like a lot of the time I would just be so embarrassed.

I want to say it's my true self, right? Like a lot of the time I would just be so embarrassed. No, I want to say it's my true self, right? Because like when you're with the boys, you absolutely regress. Like that's part of the thing. Like, and you regress in different ways with different people. Like I've got my friends from high school,

the alleys and like Cara will always laugh because once a month we try, we will go around to one of our houses. We will all bring our own television and we'll all bring our own PlayStation. Great, yeah. And we hook them up. And we play Diablo.

And we play Call of Duty. And we fucking just do a little LAN party until three in the morning. And we eat kebabs. Because that's what we used to do when we were 14 years old, right? And when the three of us together, man, boy, do we regress, right? We fart constantly in front of each other. Like, we punch each other. Man, we hit each other in the balls.

Like, you don't really do that as adults. Do you remember there was a night in Lough Bar where me, you, Nick Cody started playing a game where we just smacked each other in the balls in an artist bar at four in the morning. And then we were all standing there covering our nuts and industry people are coming in going, what the fuck is going on here?

Why is that Australian Englishman and Scotsman in the wall for a free kick? Someone lies at the bottom beneath us. What's going on? I've got to say, that's the most fucking anti-football thing. Say what you want about the fucking Saudis. Say what you want about fucking blood money.

Say what you want about all this Saudis Say what you want about fucking blood money Say what you want about all this shit Football died when Lionel Messi Laid down behind a fucking wall Oh my god The greatest footballer of all time reduced himself to being like I'm gonna use this little bitch tactic Me I'm going off football, what is it, all the sex offenders And that is, there's people lying underneath

A free kick It is what bothers me, it makes it It's just it's it's gross anyway people hear when we talk about sports on this because i don't know if you know this but most of my fans are women yeah i know yeah do you do you know what's what is the what does your audience look like when you walk out on stage it's a mixture of older people and people who do kit okay that's my that's my demographic it's it's like older people who've come because i've heard me on my dad's podcast and they're great they actually enjoy it yeah this fringe i've actually been really liking do the older ones like obviously they're enjoying it because your stand-up is very good but do you feel like because

they've got you from your dad's podcast is there there a little bit of, like, pride from them? Like, the fact that they're all like, Mark Nelson's boy's doing... Mark Nelson's boy. Well, Mark Nelson's boy is... He used to be very well. The bar's low to surpass that. If that kid just grows up and doesn't get a driving ban,

he's already defeated his dad. He's on TV. Mark Nelson's son is in more television than Martin Nelson but yeah because I talk about my dad on stage

this year in a way I've never done before yeah it's a little bit weird to do that and I can tell I'm starting to do alright in stand up because I'm starting to do all right in stand-up

because I'm starting to get nepo baby accusations, which I never had before. No one was ever looking at me get a midnight bus from like- I get where you're coming from. I would disagree. I would say when you first started, you were absolutely nepo baby. Because that was you not being who you were as well.

That was fucking 16, 17-year-old you in a fucking little suit. No, I stand by the suit jacket thing because I went through a period when I was 18, 19. I realized this. I wasn't going to be young forever. What an observation. No, but I see it with I've seen it happen

to the comedian where he was 22 and still saying he was 18 oh yeah yeah yeah and you shouldn't be 22 and having a stage age

buddy preach like keep going yeah so he he kept that up and now sort of struggles

with that a little bit and I was like alright what do I like? I like dark comedy. I like this. And I'd go out there and I'd die, but I'd die as a better comedian than doing well.

And you have to go through a period where you have to suck to figure it out a little bit. And I've only just started to figure out what it is I do. I've only just got to 10 years in. So you can start going like, it's like in jujitsu, when you get a black belt, that doesn't mean you're good at jujitsu. It's just like someone goes,

here's a move, you can do it to a level of competency. It's kind of similar within standup where you go, oh, this is what I can do. I could do it to a level of competency. I've done the clubs and that now. And like,

you don't want to stay on the clubs forever because I think people, people think performing to drunks is doing stand-up. And there's a difference between crowd plays into drunks to doing good comedy. Right, this is an excellent point. I'm very glad that you brought up.

Because I've always been, not against, man, I hate clubs that are described as fucking bear pits. Right? Yeah. See, like when you hear fucking uh joe rogan and uh who's the fucking big guy that you really like um he's in everything joey diaz joey yeah when that crew when they're all talking about the fucking comedy store and they're like oh the late night show's a fucking bear pit but that's where comics become comics and you know whatever i look

at all the comedians who are saying that sentence and I'm like I mean don't get me wrong I couldn't play to your crowd but you would all bomb to shit

in the French and also the glee I would say I don't know I think American stand up the top level of it is the best in the world

we don't touch we don't get anywhere near that here yeah but the mid level of it is the best in the world we don't touch we don't get anywhere near that here yeah but the mid level of it Americans are really I'm always amazed

at how little personality Americans have like they're very yes queen they're very they like buy into influencer culture real easily

whereas in the UK we have a bit of that like I don't know if you know, Dino culture, like, which is like Love Island. All of that sort of like, Turkey.

What's it called, Dino culture? I don't know. I guess it's to do with Dino cast, like Tom Skinner. That guy goes, bosh. And like,

never spills his tea. And is now a national celebrity. Is that a TikTok thing? No, he's just, he just, he just used to eat, like,

pie and mash for breakfast. Yeah. And in Britain, that's enough. I mean... That's working class culture is enough to make that famous. Bangers and mash. Yeah. I only just found out that they were called bangers

because when they used to be done in the proper intestines and you cooked them, they would bang. Oh, I never knew that. That's why it's called bangers and mash. Oh, okay, yeah. I always thought it was was gonna be like fucking cockney rhyming slang for some shit like hanger sausage bangers like i don't fucking hanger from your sausage banger i don't know you know what the cockney is like you're not one no no i'm south london so people always uh i get i once got a review going to cockney kid from croydon and i put up on a map that it was like 13

miles from the bow bells which is where on a map that it was like 13 miles from the Bow Bells, which is where you... That's so funny. You're saying 13 miles to Americans. They're like, oh, your neighbour. Yeah. But what you were saying about Rogan and all those guys, it's weird.

Because I supported Shane Gillis and I watched him and I was like, oh no, dude, you're very fucking good. I would say probably the moment, Shane Gillis is probably best in the world right now. He's up there. Yeah, top, yeah. He's up there.

I watched him do, and he didn't talk about any SNL stuff. He just went out and did an hour and 20 minutes of really good standup. That was fucking edgy. Yeah. Like it was on the line, but he played it so well

that I think as well in america you get slightly here in the uk but more over there there's like a culture so they've got the woke culture stand up safe space stuff that's huge but then the opposite of that is also huge so there's more space for both sides whereas here it's literally east coast west coast it's like you've got new york which is the straight fucking stand-up. Stand-up is stand-up. Don't get me wrong, you've got the West End, where you can fucking find some improv stuff.

And then LA is more your fucking, your nerdy comedians, your more left-wing comedy. Don't get me wrong, comedy's still in improv, being an exception to that, because you can still find fucking clubs that are like, you know. I really like listening to Andrew Schultz on comedy because he's got a very particular way.

He dissects things very well. Like his understanding. When I first saw him, I was like, I don't know. And then I watched more of him. I was like, oh, this guy's very good. And then I listened to him on Rogan and the way he really dissected like East Coast comedy. You're in a smaller club.

It's a colder climate. You're less relaxed. So it's pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. Whereas in in a smaller club. It's a colder climate. You're less relaxed. So it's pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. Whereas in the West Coast, everyone's having a good time. It's sunny outside. And he goes, that reflects not just in comedy,

but in music. You listen to like Snoop Dogg, it's much more drawn out. And then you listen to like New York rappers and it's much more boom, boom. You know, yeah, Biggie and like Tupac would be the perfect example of that. So it was like,

I was like, oh, I never Biggie and like Tupac would be the perfect example of that. So it was like, it was like, I was like, Oh, I never considered explaining something like, like the way he dissected culture was really interesting. But yeah, I think those guys and like going back to what I'm saying, it's like here in the UK, I know comedians who I watch who smash clubs and I'm like,

you've not said anything for 20 minutes. Yeah. You've gone out there, you've talked about drinking. You said your wife's a cunt. Yeah. And that's it. That, that was 20 minutes. you've gone out there you've talked about drinking you said your wife's a cunt yeah and that's it that that was 20 minutes and the thing is and there's nothing wrong with it because like those people smash fucking clubs but you just go there's no longevity in it because people will leave in the same way uh that like i used to leave lee evans shows which is like i

had been crying with laughter for an hour and a half and the next day if anyone was like what jokes did he tell he'd be like i can I can't remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, and that's not criticism of that type of stand-up, but just in terms of longevity, you can smash for 20 minutes and if that translates to people coming to your show, you can't just smash a show for 60 minutes.

I mean, you can. There are like, there are some comedians who can just do an hour of, here's nothing but gold, Jesselnik. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's where there's, you know, even then I would say that there is a message but gold Jesselnik yeah yeah yeah and it's where

there's you know even then I would say that there is a message in fucking Jesselnik show and he does make points he makes a huge

point yeah yeah yeah and I think in the way Jesselnik does stand up the very arrogance of what he does

is him fucking you know explaining it and doing it very well um I've got some trying to thought here still about uh the explaining it and doing it very well. I've lost my train of thought here still.

About club comedy. You can't do it just straight for an hour. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, when you, and this is happening as well and I would be interested

to see how it happens with the comedians that are doing really well on the algorithm. The comedians that have, you know, I mean, you're doing really well

getting three clips up a week, making sure, getting a podcast, getting doing really well, getting three clips up a week, making sure, getting a podcast, getting those clips out, getting people to you. That's a really good thing. And it's a lot of, it's a thing that a lot of

old, better comics hate because they feel like they wouldn't lower themselves to do it. And what is actually happening is they're just not acknowledging that the game has changed and comedy is different.

Yeah. When you're bringing that new audience in, they'll come and see you once and if you're not as good as you are and if you can't keep them in there, they're not going to come back and they're never going to come back.

Well, there's a theory about like capitalism, which I believe is so like Kevin Hart is a perfect example of this. It's like people go to see Kevin Hart, not because Kevin Hart is a good comedian, because you can say you've seen Kevin Hart. Yeah. The same way you can go,

I went to see the New York Yankees. I went to see the New York Yankees. I went to see the New York Yankees play the Arizona Diamondbacks. I could not tell you the score. I just remembered what Yankees were. I could not tell you anything that happened, but I can say I went to see it. That's the same with like Kevin Hart. It's just, I got to go and see Kevin Hart in an arena.

And what did he do? He went out and was Kevin Hart and and i had a few friends who went to see him at a club in london he everyone knew he was dropping in and i was like was it good and they were like someone made a really good point they went it's like he knows which bit's gonna come a meme oh so he everything is for every aspect of it is thought about marketing which it's a genius yeah yeah it's genius but as as as a purist when i need to be yeah as a purist when i'm not being an absolute fucking hypocrite uh man we all got i believe that we all could write a fucking bunch of jokes that we know would smash on the fucking algorithm right in just terms of like points to hit facial expressions to make cadence and and and it's not

catchphrase comedy but it's the equivalent of it sort of now which is like this is the easiest so we could all do that but then you're then you're not doing comedy as yourself then you're not doing comedies yourself then you're going down the path of like so many and I'm not going to mention any names because it's a public episode yeah I've got to stop getting in shit on podcasts

every time I've got to do someone's podcast I get like a message from someone afterwards going hey man like what the fuck are you doing why did you do that? And I go, I don't know. I, I like,

I like when we're a bit bitchy. Now don't get me wrong, I would be so fucking hypocritical because if somebody was bitchy about me on a podcast, God, I'd stew about it. God.

The messages in the group chat. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? And they can be making perfectly good points as well. Oh, absolutely. Very valid criticism. It's just about my stand-up, just about my structure.

They'll be like, you know, it's very... It is kind of predictable that in the last 15 minutes he's always going to fucking make a point and it does feel like he's running out of stuff to say at the end. And I'd be like, that's fucking... 4am, everyone else asleep. I'm like, when I ever see this fucking voice again in my life, I'm getting battered.

They're getting battered they're getting battered and then you'd meet them and they'd be so nice to you and you'd be like I was so wrong I was so wrong about them not if they publicly besmirched me earlier

I do not I do not forgive oh god I would yeah I I I everyone likes pitching

when they're doing the pitching it's a fun gossipy thing it's it's just It's a fun, gossipy thing. It's just, it's a social thing. I really like all the fucking drama on the American comedy scene. And because they've had podcasting and really professional podcasting

for way longer than we have. I'm not including this in professional podcasting, by the way, yet. But like in terms of we've only, we have a word of basically sort of done the first step in the UKing, by the way, yet. But in terms of we've only have a word of basically sort of done the first step in the UK for doing what America's been doing. Other people are doing it now and there's now...

And I hope it will grow into there actually being a podcast scene in the UK as well as a fucking comedy scene. Man, we got to get that fucking drama. There are videos with 1.5 million views on YouTube of just some regular everyday person explaining all the drama from the american oh like tiger belly and brendan tiger belly brendan sharp yeah fucking burke kreischer and then bobby lead like their manager wouldn't work together all the fucking bitch in there it's i'm like oh that's really tasty and that like or it's a part of myself it's the part

of me that likes reality television yeah it is it does sell i i the person i've been trying to always create beef with is grace campbell i've done it again i've done it already that's fine explain to explain to listeners who don't know grace it's it's bizarre because it's like her dad is alistair campbell yeah I'm not one to talk about... Alistair Campbell was hired by Tony Blair's government to be a spin doctor to lead us into the Iraq war. So he was in charge of making sure all of the media was there to be like,

there are weapons of mass destruction. We must invade Iraq. And now we wear shirts saying refugees welcome. And it's like, because you caused them. This is, what are you all about? This is, it's like Mike Tyson wearing a shirt saying this is what a feminist looks like. It's, what the fuck is going on?

Like, you can't be that guy. And he- And also, sorry, Alistair, I don't believe it's growth. Yeah, yeah. I believe it's growth of your bank account I believe the reason you're now saying taking the refugees is because that's a better public well this is this is the thing that I find with like left-wing stuff within comedy there's comedians I know that I've met who are on stage the most left-wing liberal we need all of this and all of that

what's it hit all the old I don't want to use the word woke because it's overused, but all the liberal points that are going to get a round of applause. I'm like, this is the most selfish capitalistic person I've ever met in my life. You're literally talking about me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop.

What are you doing? Why are you tearing down the fourth wall? What is this? Daniel's going to bleep out the names, but if you want to hear them, sign up to the Patreon. We've got, so, which I don't, as I i get older i don't really have issue with because i get the games the game i understand i am also complicit in it i myself am a hypocrite i myself

do things like that but grace camel does stand up and it's comedy for women who love brunch. That's what it's for, right? Like, that's what it is. It's not aimed for me. It's not aimed for me, and it should exist, and I'm not aimed for her. We can both coexist, but it's absolutely, but she does these videos with her dad, and everyone's kind of like, I don't know.

I don't know who, like, did lead us into the Iraq war. Like, it was a little bit. It was a little bit, you know. Babies lost legs, Grace. Yeah. Some bad stuff happened as well. But then, as well, you're there going like, you know, every night I hate to work, but, like, you know,

when you go, are we in a fucking simulation? Okay, I've never met Grace. I've never met her as well. And I've heard she's lovely and I imagine she is. And she seemed... I was going to say just the, obviously... Me and her don't do the same gigs. No, you don't do the same gigs.

But just to do a comparison, but not to compare you. You know, she's got famous dads dad, you've got a famous dad, you're both in stand-up. And you don't do stand-up with anything like your dad. You're a very different person to your father. Yeah, yeah. Like a really different person. And not to say that you differ too much politically. It's fair to say you're left-leaning.

Yeah, yeah, very left-leaning, yeah. Probably not as far left as your dad. Mind you, now in his old age is he getting a bit I've got a bit about it in my show Mark's going to say something about the trans one day that ain't going to go down well I've got it in my show, it's about like he can't keep up and we can't expect him

to keep up because as you get older it's very easy for people I think on the left to not understand what, the left to not understand what... The left is a broad spectrum. It's a broad thing. Left is a broad spectrum,

and it also contains most of the people on the spectrum. Think of any spectrum. If there's one of them, they're mostly on the left wing. I think as people get older, and there'll be a social issue they don't understand and like classic liberalism is you know especially my dad's liberalism is like oh pay to work as well maybe billionaires should be taxed on their billions that's a thing that we should have whereas when you've got people who are now who are i and i see

this a lot in london i think what happens is people come from privileged backgrounds. They feel guilty about being privileged, so they then go really hard on social issues that don't particularly affect everyone. I'm going to need you to stop going at me on this podcast. Me and Kai don't necessarily gel and have the best partner all the time, but he's never come for me Like you've come for me

What's your point where How far are you from Tory now? Oh a fair Bit Like I'm I'm disgusted by The amount of money I earn And I'm very angry by the amount of money I earn, which is why I pay,

and I'm very angry about the tax I pay. It's- But you're not in, you're like wealthy, but you're not in like, you get to go to the party where they eat a baby wealthy. Do you know what I mean?

You're not, you're not, you're not in offshore account. God, no. There's a different, it's a weird thing like no I'm not I'm not a multi-millionaire

I'm not anywhere like in like that but in terms of like who I'm friends with and who I know

and in comedy I'm doing you know quite well in that sense yeah god in terms of how far away I'm away from Tory

first of all never because as a Scottish person, it's just not going to happen. And I hate to get political on this podcast and I hate to insult people, but I have said it before and I have said it again.

Scottish Tories are the equivalent of it. Do you remember the movie 300? Yeah. You remember that wee gross guy that betrayed all of the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what a Scottish Tory is.

Right, okay, yeah. It's to fully ignore you can you don't have to be fucking SMB you don't have to be Labour you can be Green you can be fucking you can be any Scottish party you want

any party you want but if you're a Scottish Tory I'm like you've not read a history book you've not read a newspaper in 20 fucking years it's just

it's ugh ugh um no I'm I'm I but wait

does it exist like is that in a daily mail within you how far away am I from right wing is a different question at what point are you like you're paying your tax bill and you're just going like I'm not going to vote for them but if they win

like I'm the I'm actually the opposite, but if they win... Oh, oh. No, no, no. I'm actually the opposite. If the Tories win the next election is when I will absolutely start donating mass amounts of money to charity for the tax breaks. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that's the only... Because tax is meant to be... And the reason I don't mind being taxed a lot of money is because I earn a lot of money. And in a fair fucking system, those who earn more should pay more fucking tax. Because even though before I was a dad, I was paying tax for schools. It doesn't matter. That's what tax is.

You give to society. You chip into the fucking system. I earn more. I pay more. I understand that. But to watch all the money I put in go nowhere fucking near. Anything they fucking said is, if the Tories get back in again, I will go,

my money is much better being handed directly to a fucking charity, directly to a charity, and then I will absolutely lower how much tax I have to pay every year so that I can guarantee that the money I give away goes to places where it's being used correctly. Would you send Caelan to private school? So, because he's... Right, so, on principle, no, absolutely not.

Because the people I know who went to private school suck. And the people who went to... I know it's not public school, because public who went to private school suck and the people who went to... I know it's not public school because public school is sometimes private school. Public school is private school in the UK, but it's confusing. They just call it that. But a state school is a non-paid school.

Yeah, so state school. So when I went to fucking state school, everyone there is like sound or fucking neds and chavs or whatever. I went to state school. It's now the school i went to is now one of the problem schools in scotland right like there there was a there was a video that went right on tiktok like a couple of months ago of like this kid beating the fucking shit out of another kid in the classroom with the teacher going stop that was

that was way to get me that was my that was Wayne Academy. That was my high school. Man, it was nowhere near that hard when I was there. Like, like occasionally people got their heads kicked in and you heard about the fucking fights and stuff. And, you know,

I saw violence, but you know, I, I don't think necessarily more than any other school. And it was always dealt with. It was like, the teachers were never like, you fucking fully deserve that.

But there was a school that was closer to me that i was meant to go to for high school that my parents decided to not send me to because they knew i was soft i i always thought the reason i went to a different high school uh was just because they thought there was like a better education system there i found out later on in life the reason was because my sister died when I was in primary six and because I was soft before that anyway and because I was a little emotional boy. The school nearest me, Buckhaven High School, which I'm sure has improved by now,

a teacher was thrown out of the window by a pupil. Amazing. Yeah, you can't be turning up to that school with a bereavement and giving the kids that ammunition. Oh, right. be turning up to that school with a bereavement and giving the kids that ammunition. You can't turn up to that school with a dead disabled sister. And they're like... No, one of them's going to be good at rapping and make some horrific rhymes. Man, I would have been a better comic though.

Like had I gone there, would have been a better comic though. Like had I gone there, would have been a better comic. My school I went to was a performing arts school, but it wasn't. Like it wasn't at all. It was a school in West Norwood. And next to West Norwood is Tulsa Hill, which is where all like massive gang. So Tulsa Hill used to war with Brixton. That's like where, so all the kids from there. When you say war, because like, so Buckhaven had to war with Brixton that's like where so all the kids from there

when you say war because like so Buckhaven had a rivalry with oh stabbed shootings oh cool

like shit like that oh real ones real genuine because there was there was Buckhaven and it wasn't Kinghorn

I know it's not Kinghorn to all the five of us that are about to fucking yell at me the school's not there anymore but it was between Buckhaven and Leven't Kinghorn I know it's not Kinghorn to all the five of us that are about to fucking yell at me the school's not there anymore but it was between Buckhaven and Leven there was a high school there

where apparently one day they had a rivalry because they were the closest to each other pupils from Buckhaven high school tore down a lamppost and like 15 of them

carried it like a barge to the other school to do damage and then got there and realised they weren't storming a castle. They could just walk through the gate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They built one of those things, those medieval siege things. Like at no point at the other high school were they like, up the drawbridge! They come from Buckhaven! And fucking, where did this go? Alexander the the Great what the fuck was that just trebuchets of like trebuchets like the thorn stones a cavalry division

to go to a school fight all the stones lying on the top they're like oh god the thorn stones those aren't the stones oh my god it's the dramedies

sorry you were saying what the thing was so so the way like South London works is, when I speak to all of Kai's mates, all of Kai's mates are good at fighting because they had to be good at fighting.

They all went and got into fights. No one in South London is particularly good at fighting because you get stabbed. So like by the time a fight happens, someone stabs someone. There was multiple stabbings outside my school. Like multiple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was all sorts of men. When you say multiples, happens someone stabs someone there was multiple stabbings outside my school like really multiple yeah yeah there was all sorts of when you say multiples do you do you mean like multiple

multiple stabbings like like somebody was stabbed multiple times um there was we used to have to get searched by the police every now and then the police were coming you america yeah the police were coming to school and search everyone because uh there was this lad I'll change his name for this story. Let's call him Nicky. And I was never there when anything happened. Bit of a coincidence if you ask me. I don't know if you... It was like there was always... The two fights that we had with other schools,

I was never there. I would never have been invited to the fight. I didn't move in that circle. I wouldn't have been invited. I would have been invited. I would have been left out. Dear Alex, hope you can attend this afternoon. So there's a school at the road called St. Joseph's and I used to have to get the 468 or the 196 to go that way.

Everyone else went to Tulsa. Those are buses by the way. Those are buses. Yeah, yeah. So the kids who live to Tulsa will go this way. I'd have to go up and go that way. There was a fight with St. Joseph's

that ended up with someone from my school stabbing one of them multiple times, putting them in hospital. I came back from half term and there was a huge assembly about this.

We're like, the police were speaking. The head teacher was like, we're going to find out who did this from this school. You're going to go to prison prison and the school did such little investigating because i went into english class and in front of everyone went who did that and people just went oh it was nicky and like the teacher just pretended not to hear it like oh yeah when nicky stabbed that kid and but there was no one called nicky

i've changed the name and that was the there, so that's how sort of South London was. So you didn't really have these, you couldn't go have a fight with people because someone had a cousin or someone had a brother. There was a guy, two kids from my school had a fight, the two really hard lads.

We used to have, on Tuesday was our, it's not a BTEC, it was this thing they introduced when we were in year nine, where I did performing arts and other kids went and learned how to become a mechanic because at my school they were like,

listen, there's not a lot of rocket scientists here. So some of you go to college and you do this mechanics course. I think a lot of you should get into being chefs since all of you seem to have knives. You seem to be very passionate about knives. I could teach you how to leave a smaller exit wound so these two kids had a fight

one of the lads knocked the other boy out like beat the shit out of him he called his brother his brother turned up with a gun pointed it at them and then made him beat the fuck out of the boy who knocked him out in front of everyone the school couldn't exclude anyone because no one had technically –

it was just like it had been a fight. Yeah. But no one had technically – they couldn't exclude the guy who brought the gun because he wasn't – it's not within the school's jurisdiction. Well, he had a gun. Yeah, it's not in – You're expelled.

What? Sorry, I meant you got a name in French. They're like, this is out of our jurisdiction. We can't give him the detention. Yeah, so this beef went on for years, and it was like proper tit for tat. And the lad I knew, Alfie, he put a bike lock on the other kid's bike, so he couldn't then remove his bike,

which is fucking funny. So the other lad who I knew, I wasn't good mates with the other lad, I was mates with the other guy, but we were all on the same football team and stuff. And he just went, oh, what he did was quite funny, but he went, just know, like, I'm going to get him.

And he waited eight months until they came into, at the end of an English exam for our GCSE, they were like, by the way, you're all now on study leave. They wouldn't tell us when we were going on study leave because they thought we'd do something. So they were like, by the way, you're all now on study leave. Hold on, hold on. So their theory was, if we tell you study leave is in two weeks, you're going to spend the next two weeks just going chaotic

because you know the end is in sight. Yeah. So literally they came in with a fucking starter pistol. You're like, bah, exams! You know, like when a nightclub just ends, the lights come on abruptly and some doorman come in and push you out. That was it. God, we went to different schools.

We knew when study leave was. We had leavers discos Oh no We had to get the teachers to sign our yearbooks None of that And so we walk out And man They didn't get people to sign our yearbooks

But I did carve my initials into our math teacher's back He says he still remembers me I guess I must have been really good at equations Yeah and we walk out And he just walks over he says he still remembers me I guess I must have been really good at equations yeah man and we walk out and he just walks over and beats the fuck out of this kid

who locked his bike up like a proper like so bad that cars are driving along are like stopping to pull him off like it was just an absolute smackdown

and I didn't I didn't want to drive because I was like it's kind of fair and then like these other kids jumped in and I pulled one of them I was like

no no no this can't come like a this can't come like a group exercise. And that was how we left. That was like 11 of the leavers. And then I got banned from study leave because I went into geography one day and just was like, this is fucking shit. Why are we even here?

Like, what's the point of this? Because you used to have to go back in. I honestly thought you were going to say, I got expelled because I walked into geography and said where am i oh i got i got um i got expelled from sixth form oh yeah yeah yeah i got expelled from six nothing cool i just i had this scheme where you used to get a 15 minute detention for being late but i'd have to go into form. So the way my sixth form worked was you'd go into form,

you'd then do a double lesson. But I was like, there's no point going into form. I just... Sorry, explain form to me. So you go in for 20 minutes, you're formed through, it goes,

hi, you're all here. You sit there for 20 minutes. Registration. Yeah, we called it reg. Registration, yeah. You go in, you've got your own little group of kids. They're like,

you're all here. She puts into the system. Yeah. And I worked out, all right, well, it's a 15 minute detention that's a 20 minute class i get 15 minute detention at the end of the day for not turning up but that saves me five minutes so i'm in profit of five minutes so i just won't go in for that i bet your math teacher was fucking raging watching you do this like time thing being like if I get this detention now and I miss that class then I'm technically missing seven and a half minutes of English and your math teacher's just like do this in class yeah oh do this in class oh when there was a scheme I was so good at it and then and then I would just start turning up like 40

minutes late to the to the actual lesson I started getting cock. You know, like, you know someone who's like, I'll make a tenner from the cash register. No one's going to notice it. And suddenly it turns to 50 quid. It's a hundred quid. And all of a sudden it's, and it just kept adding up and up. And there was this one lesson we had.

I never went to it from when, the first day I went to this fort. And this was a good, my mum worked at the other school. That's how I got in. My life is pure. So you are a ne in. My life is pure nepotism. Nothing in my life has ever been earned. It was called Harris Academy, Crystal Palace.

No, that's not true. You're of shoddy reputation. I've done that myself. Yeah, I've worked hard on that. So I was, I wouldn't turn up to things. I just, and then they were eventually, we went for, I went to parents' meeting and I just sat my dad and my mum down.

And man, they brought up like a file of like things that had been registered about things I did in class. One of them was me and my mate went and had a game of tennis in the corridor. There was these tennis rackets and a tennis ball and we just didn't go to class and we were just playing tennis.

And I don't think anyone ever saw it. And then I just like, my psychology teacher was like, one day we just didn't go to class and we were just playing tennis and i don't think anyone ever saw it and then i just like my psychology teacher was like one day elliot didn't turn up to class because he was in the corridor playing tennis with jacob and i was going all right well written down that looks very bad i didn't do anything cool written down as as if at one point you were gonna be like actually actually mom and dad we actually have the security camphor as you can see i won so am i now in less trouble and i never did anything cool to get kicked out yeah i it was just an amount of amazing yeah yeah just so many things and one of them was uh i bunked off a lesson i just i just there was this day i don't know if you ever had this at six did you go six form of course yeah so there was a day where we had to go in and do this study thing that wasn't anything to do with anything we were doing and i was like this is a fucking waste of

my time this is pointless that's the reason i'm a good stand-up is because i think like that that's why i can cut through stuff normally but i was going you had to wear like a suit to the six form it was it was pretty well i people go to oxford and cambridge from here it's not weight academy we had to wear a shirt tie trousers shoes and a blazer yeah yeah but like people go here if you live in croydon this is like as good as some private schools this place this is a good sick form you want to go here everyone studies hard the staffy one no no no This is a good sick form. You want to go here. Everyone studies hard. The stabby one. No, no, no.

This is a different place. This is Harris Academy. Sorry. The place I went, the Norwood School, that was, but this place, there was no stabby people.

It was all very, it was, where I went to, the Norwood School from like 11 to 15, the worst anyone did was smoke weed. Okay. And like,

even like a shot of vodka, you'd be seen as a bad guy. If you went to a party and did that, like, whoa, this guy gets fucked up. I turned up to this place and it was my first time meeting people who'd done like MDMA and Coke. I didn't know that,

like. In school? Yeah. These guys, these people were way more into partying and stuff. It was, it was more. In fucking high school.

It was sixth form. They were more middle class, so they had more access to money. It was like the kids in my other school were selling it. These guys were doing it. That's the way I'd describe it. My dad could have just sent me private school and all of this could have been avoided.

Yeah. But then what would we talk about? Oh, the awful things that we get up to at private school oh yeah yeah they get they do it way worse like if you ever talk to tom horton about like what the pranks people doing each other it's got funding state state funded bullying yeah yeah but that uh so at sixth form i i just sucked at but i met like groups of people and started going out. That's when I started partying and stuff. And I was like, oh, this is way funner than going to school. And it was also, I was an arsehole.

You met me, what, maybe two years after that? I was an arsehole at that point because I was always like a fat, ugly emo kid. And then I went to this other, in my last year of school, I'd lost weight, started boxing, started looking after myself a little bit and started getting a bit of attention. Didn't know how to deal with any of it.

Never lost that love of emo girls though, did you? No, no, no. My one weakness. Oh man, my Insta DMs, man, you read out my Insta DMs

and furniture floats. I ever lied to my show that it's just a fucking tag and it only makes me laugh. Occasionally, I'll get a big laugh from one person and it's just like I'm talking about a fucking lion and I'm just describing the lion as sad

and I'm like, it's got purple in its mane over its eye. It's listening to My Chemical Romance. It's asking you to be its other half on Bebo and it will give you the best head of your teenage years. That's what an emo is to me like four guys whereas all the people that grew up like neds they were like man i just got like toothy pierced i didn't get anything when i was when i was a teenager i did not like that no until i started like i gotta leave a little bit before I did comedy here and there But it's when I started I remember I did a gig when I was

17 I was I maybe I was 16 and like a 26 year old woman took me out afterwards like Made out with me and stuff and I could not Fucking believe it. She was hot as well. I could not could not fucking believe it she was hot as well like i could not believe what was happening and i remember just being on the tube going home like this is the best fucking job ever this this is fucking incredible and that started a whole fucking weight of issues that a therapist is going to make a lot of money off one day but yeah that was that was like I bet that was What's your relationship like with your mother? Smell my fingers

Oh my god That tells me everything I need to know, Mr. Steele Well It's not your mother, that's a good start Yeah, that's a good start. Yeah, that was, that was, because you started at 16, right? Shagging.

No, it was comedy. Yeah, yeah, technically, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did like a comedy course for a week, which ended in like a gig in front of family members, friends and the other people's family. So I don't really consider that as my first gig i did the stand when i was 17 and that was me right how regularly when did you start gigging regularly oh straight away so this is a it's got any scottish comedians that listen to this which i i i bet i could do on one finger um red raw which is the Beginner's Night in the stands

it's waiting list now I believe is something like 16 to 18 to 24 months like it's a long long

pre-covid it was something like fucking two years when I started the waiting list and people were bitching about it back then

being like hey the fucking waiting list is like three four months long man like it can take a while like even if you have your first gig can take a while for the second because uh frankie had taken me to the stand one night to see when

kevin bridges was on uh tom stayed was on i think it was like the launch of the 2007 uh stand french party like he'd introduced me to enough sort of people there and had mentioned my name to like Eva so when I applied she said yes straight away

so I got one when I was like 17 right and then and then and then I got given it pretty quick afterwards but I will also say

from very early on I was regularly like one of the best on the bill like I was always good don't get me wrong I still fucking bombed but in terms

of how big the Scottish comedy scene was at the time and how many new comedians were coming through it and just like I was man I was just autistic with it I was like I would write everything out I would make sure everything was heavy and I was very confident so I just fucking I was good early on

yeah I didn't bomb until like my 22nd gig yeah I remember the confident so I just fucking I was good early on yeah I didn't bomb until like my 22nd gig yeah I remember the first time I bombed yeah up the creek so I got like up the creek was mine no way yeah so I got picked up very early on

pure fucking nepotism stuff we'll never deny that and I would go on in the middle of comedians doing their Edinburgh previews at some of these comedy clubs through off the curb. My dad's with, absolutely always owned that. Like it'd be rude of me to lie about that. But I was going on at 16 and fucking murdering with shit.

Absolute dog shit. So how were you murdering then? Was it just the- A confidence and the spectacle of a 16 year old. If I looked back- Oh, absolutely. I was getting huge laughs when I was 17

because I was working from such a low place of expectation any any mid-20s comedian any woman that walks on stage

there is this they go alright why don't you fucking press me the novelty of seeing a child on stage makes everyone go yeah

this will be shit. And then if you're even just this funny, through the roof, absolutely. So I think it was like my ninth gig, I was doing Up the Creek. I think I'd maybe done it once before. And I went on and for 10 minutes, and I'd been killing everything and I'd been killing everything.

Like I'd been killing everything. Exactly. Material. I went on and like, I can still remember the sweat pouring off me as it started going wrong. Now, if I die, I'd fucking tell him a fuck.

Oh yeah. Like, but I died and I went backstage. I went up there and I cried and I called my dad. I was like, I don't want to do it anymore. And my dad went, yeah, I've been waiting for this call. My dad just went, my dad went, yeah, because my dad was telling me he would go to his mates

who were comedians and find out I'm doing comedy. And I'd go, how's it going on? He's going, he's doing too well. And I'd go, has he died yet? And he'd go, nah. And I went, that's when you'll know if he wants to do it. And then i did it and they was and my dad went you know you know that you know that old phrase that everyone sort

of has i don't know if it's as popular nowadays which is like you you point at somebody's being obnoxious you go you can tell they've not been punched yes you can tell a new comic who hasn't bombed oh and they come sit backstage like they own the place and you're like oh like i used to walk backstage at the stand after ripping five minutes to all these professionals just doing a new 10, new five, being like, so any of you plan to beat that thing I rehearsed over a thousand times?

I had one... I think I called you after it. I had... The Times I've Cried in comedy. I wasn't on the circuit yet, and it was back when if you got the comedy store, after it I had a the times I've cried in comedy I I wasn't on the circuit yet and it was back when

if you got the comedy store you were on the circuit so the way it used to work for people listening is if you got the comedy store you got every gig

every gig had to book you because that was so hard to get yeah man it'd be like in your first season signing for

fucking Manchester United like at that point Cheltenham don't get to bid on you yeah yeah yeah exactly to get yeah man it'd be like in your first season signing for fucking manchester united like at that point cheltenham don't get to bid on you yeah yeah yeah exactly exactly that i was i wasn't really on the circuit and i was going through the hardest stage of comedy is that bit where you're not quite on the circuit but you're you're better than the open mic gigs yeah but you're you're not quite got a 20 yet no no And also a lot of your career is down to your ability to schmooze. Yeah, which I sucked at. I pissed everyone.

Oh yeah, you did. You fucking did. You sucked. I would piss everyone off. Yep. And I went on at the store and I fucking demolished, demolished the gig, right?

And I come off and you have to go back for a chat with don ward who runs the store yeah and you'd go in and don ward's job and pride and joy in his life is ripping people apart and it's a good thing and this is where i think now where people here's a don ward story just to put this into context an american comedian who will remain nameless came over signed up to do the store and beforehand was like

I'm going to blow the fucking roof off this place you've seen the rooms I play in America I'm going to fucking destroy this roof's going to be gone

wait till you see this goes out just 20 minutes to fucking tepid fucking not a death not a death death but just a fucking

tepid response and Don Ward opens up the door and walks back to the station and goes Ruth's still here

yeah and he he's a good person to have a show but like there's always this kind of thing now and again

people say it and like you know the bullying within comedy and all of the it's like that shit

kind of needs to happen to you weed out the weak in this job that's how it's done you you you get rejected you better turn back we just mean we just mean spiritually weak those are people you're still allowed to make fun of not physically weak not even comedically weak fair enough but like people who you have to be able to handle rejection in this job and i know for everyone that's listened to this podcast will regularly point out all the times that I've poorly handled rejection,

but I'm still here and you're still fans. So I go back for the chat. He's just like, yeah, you're not ready to play yet. He went, I know like the comics you hang out with. He went, you're trying to replicate what they do. You're not very good. He went, because when I first saw saw you you were like this young sort of guy could go and i thought you're very good he goes i could tell you've hung out with like daniel sauce a bit now because you're going on and talking about doing drugs and things smoking weed and things like that and that's not

what i i want you to do here i don't think it's very good i think you need to go back and do what you used to do it's it's a no and we'll come back in 18 months i just said thank you very much and i just sat into leicester square and just burst into tears i was like i was like are you i couldn't fucking believe it like and i had my i was like if i just get this it's and then the time i got the store was when i turned up and didn't give a fuck yeah i turned up and i i was like fuck. I turned up and I was like... Because that was you being an actual fucking comedian. Sometimes when you're so nervous

and it's a big gig and you're putting so much focus into it that you're not being natural. It's a performance. And I think fucking promoters and bookers can fucking see through that and like, hey man, that was technically great. That was you doing a rainbow flick and a volley on great. Yeah. That was technically great. That was you doing a rainbow flick

and a volley on a training pitch. That's what that was. I need to see whether you can fucking dribble against someone else. That's a great way of putting it. Like, can you play within the system? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If there was a fucking, I saw you play to an audience that was shocked that you were young, that was so in the palm of your hand, and I saw you rip, and good for you, but that's not impressive. Yeah. From what I've seen happen here at the store can i see you come back oh no i wasn't good enough to play

it like i wasn't good enough to go on in between glenwall and mcferry i would have stood out you know no but that's the pussy spot that's the no no but you know what i mean i wasn't good enough to go on with like powerhouses. I hadn't earned that right. I wasn't good enough. And that's the thing. And you look back at that thing, the reason it sucks is because you want to think you're good enough, but you're not.

Yeah. So that's when you go like, that's why that rejection early on sucks so much. Yes. Yeah. Well, and it's also like, you know,

fucking, let's be honest, we're straight white men. We're very bad at dealing with no in general. Yeah. And not only should I have got it, I should have been made king of the fucking country like i'm right here we get free and rotate free and rotate free and rotate um i just to sort of take it back a bit uh

talking about violence in schools and whether i would send Cailin to private school. The most violent thing I ever saw happen in my school was also followed by the coolest thing I've ever seen a teacher do. Like it was a real... And even a Wade Academy, I know people are shitting on it now. Here's something that I thought was pretty cool. I'm sure there's parents out there

that'll be like, that's awful and shouldn't have happened. I had a friend called Jordan. He was fat. He was bullied for being fat. And 11 and 12-year-olds aren't clever with their fat cells. It's just constant. And he would get bullied every day for being fat, on the bus for being fucking fat.

He had friends, but they were just cunts in school. We get to, like, fucking, I think... Yeah, we're still in first year right and there are two oh no we're in second year and there's two first years walking down the corridor and they're like oh that's big fat Morris my brother he's older than you

he knows you're a big fucking fat cunt and I'm saying to Jordan like just leave it don't listen to them. Fucking, they're just arseholes. And they're just giving it fucking all this fucking lip. And then, like, Jordan's getting closer. And they're like, are you going to do anything about it?

And then the guy's older brother walks out behind him. He's like, he'll not do anything to you. He'll not do anything. Keep calling him fuck. And so just older brother egging on this younger... And so my friend Jordan, abuse keeps fucking coming coming and Jordan's just getting angrier and angrier and I can see his like sort of

fists balling up and I'm like man we can turn the other way he's like no no it's fine he gets up now because he was fat he wasn't just fat he was a big kid this is a guy who eventually became like 6'3 and broad and big

yeah lifts weights sort of yeah a big fuck and that's don't be wrong he had puppy fat but what they thought was fat was just a very large 12 year old yeah um he grabbed the older the older brother by the scruff of his fucking blazer and put his head through his fucking nose guy gets hit in the nose his head goes back against the fucking wall he's against like so it's two fucking things fully unconscious

down at the fucking ground the two the younger brother and his friend freak the fuck out start crying run off down to reception to fucking grass on us

and I'm like tomorrow what do we do what do we do he's like I don't know but that felt good that felt good that felt good

and then like the sort of shock of what he did sort of kicked into him and like and then he started getting like really upset and then

and by the way the guy on the floor like was getting was just going be like oh I'll fucking get you while going away and fucking crying

we're in math next class and we're just waiting for somebody to walk in and be like Jordan's required an interception sure enough 15 be like, Jordan's required interception. Sure enough, 15 minutes into class, Jordan required interception.

I demand to my fucking teacher, I'm going to go down, I saw the whole thing, I'm a witness, I'm going to go down there. I go down there, I'll not mention the name of the fucking, the rector, that was the name of our head teacher, rector. I'll not mention the name of our rector because I loved the man,

but this is probably not the, I think it's cool, but it's probably not how he's, No, he's teaching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But in 2000s, we went down. I, being the anxiety ridden little fucking kid I am,

barely, this is what happened, this is what happened. He's a good rector. He's got a school of 800, 900 pupils. He knows what's going on he knows who gets bullied we've complained about

Jordan's bullying before and he just listened to me fucking rant for like 7 minutes looks over at Jordan and go are you ok?

and Jordan was like yeah are you going to do it again? and Jordan was like no and the rector went I don't think you'll need to that's not how we solve problems

I'm sorry it came to this I probably should have interfered sooner but also you can't be seen to leave here without a punishment and he went into his drawer and he pulled out all the lines he said other kids do over and over again and he got two of them out

and he erased the name at the top of both of them and went write your name on the top of both oh great and went write your name on both of those you did those lines that was your punishment oh what a dude what a fucking dude proper teaching teachers like that were always the best yeah the ones who let you get away with everything i think this was a teacher like very much was like very conscious of what had been going on like could see the fear in both

of our fucking faces like man yelling at you is not going to do fucking shit like you're already beating yourself and Jordan felt guilty about what he did

for months afterwards like he was really terrified like that was a little boy becoming aware of his own strength like you know and don't get me wrong

when he grew up he did become one of my friends that I regularly hid behind yeah I think that those little life lessons in school

because what I learnt from school was just lessons on life like I talked shit and oh man when I was in year 11 I got beat up by year 7

oh what yeah yeah 3 years younger like 4 yeah yeah yeah oh yeah Daniel basic math yeah yeah so i was i was 15 this kid was 11 and i was giving him shit and one of them came up and we started like grabbing each other and this kid just swept me and i went in the ground in front of everyone and everyone was like ah and

man every day i feared these year sevens coming up like i was so scared it's like that bit in fucking step brothers where they're like when they get beat up by the little kids and the parents like maybe you should just find a different route home from school they made me eat white dog i would see these year sevens coming i'm like twice the size of them and i'm like oh no oh they're back and they would oh it was fucking embarrassing. That was, that was one of the,

that was one of the most humiliating moments I've ever had in my life in school. That I was like, oh, I lost to someone in year seven, when I was in year 11. Yeah. I mean, that's,

I mean, I'm not saying it wouldn't be within my arsenal, but that's why I just don't start fights with anyone unless Kai's. Right there. Yeah. And even then, he's 40 now.

I should probably stop doing that. He's got a bit late Diaz in him. He's taken one too many shots. Here's the other thing. So I don't think Natalie will mind me saying this. And I don't say it, but this is something she has told me. She went to private school and we've had this discussion about whether we would send our children to private school. And she's like, when we went to private school and she and we've had this discussion about whether

we would send our children to private school and she is she's like when we were in private school once a week we were brought to assembly and they just told us that we were better and smarter and and nicer and all that and just would praise you are objectively better than all these other kids. And I'm like, I don't know if I could. Like, I liked going to state school, even though it was fucking rough and scary. I learned how to spot, like, good people. I learned conflict resolution. I learned when to run away.

Yeah. I, you know, I learned to gauge people. And I think that... And also, I was never told that I could be anything. Teachers were encouraging when they needed to be, but also they're teachers in life. So they would look at a kid and be like, right, I'm going to do my best with you,

but, you know, there's only so much we can fucking do here. State's got, like, I would be happy with whatever Caelan wanted to be. I feel like if you send someone to a private school, there is always going to be this pressure of, you know, if you go to private school, you've either got to be a politician, a lawyer, a doctor, an accountant. Finance, or work in the arts. And that's the left field that 10%.

The reason they go into the arts, my theory on that, is because they can't reach the heights their parents have hit within a financial world. So they have to go into a thing where it's completely different yeah i can excel in that part but that thing that you're saying that analysis that's what you pay to go to private school for you're paying to go to private school so for example like if i go have a meeting with someone in london like a television company and i walk into a restaurant and there's fucking Latin on the wall, I'm immediately uncomfortable.

I don't understand it. If you go into a private school, it's kind of like a Freemason thing where you understand you're both comfortable in an environment where you can feel better than people. That's what you're paying to go to private school for. It's the confidence. That's, you know,

how many people do we know that go to private school who don't get imposter syndrome? And they do to some degree, like I imagine they do i imagine they do but no no but also they should so many of them but there's also people i know who've gone to private school who are incredible like alfie brown like do you know people like that you go i'm known racist alfie horrific bigot right wing shill, Alfie fucking Brown. Oh, GB News Brown. I wouldn't use him as a fucking example. Yeah, that's probably a terrible person to have used.

A man who screamed the N word on stage. The thing about private school is it just gives you confidence. If Alfie went to my school, you couldn't have done that routine. I mean, you could have. You just would have had the record amount of stabs. A little bit of slapstick for anyone watching there. Yeah, but it is that confidence that you're paying for.

That's what it's giving. But then comes the argument where if you're a parent and you're in your position, your kid will probably go to state school and have it better than most. And that's a real difficult position for Kalen to be in because he's not going to be able to potentially relate to... I used to have that.

That's why I've got, like, this faux working class thing about me because I had to seem tough to fit into a school when I came from a middle-class home. Yeah. I mean, my mum was fucking mental, so it managed to give me something to bond with people within that department.

And my dad was never around, so I did, you know, I was like, a lot of, you know, other kids like it. I was like, hey, my dad's just on tour. My dad's in jail. Yeah,

well, it's the same thing. My dad left when I was three years old. He like, tell me, my dad just left last night. Oh my God,

that must be rough. He did get back at four in the morning. And drove me to school. Told me about his gig. Yeah. But that's, you know

I think I guess but then there's probably like state schools around here that are decent I I I

I haven't been to school yet here's my opinion I think the state schools in Scotland are probably pretty good I imagine

they're nowhere near as terrifying as all of the London schools you've just told me about London's insane. Yeah. And I reckon Edinburgh's got good ones. I mean, look, we'll be doing our research

in the next couple of years. In fact, do you want to know how fucking hippie Scotland is, right? You know where... You may have been on the lovely walk over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's an estate across the road. It's fucking private land where you're allowed to walk. It's got some old fucking castles on it

because we live in Scotland and Edinburgh, obviously. There's this wooded bit, one the many many wooded bits where every time you kind of walk around there's like this nursery in the woods for children between the ages of like two and four and we're like we have to work out what this school we have to work out what this nursery is even if it's fucking private it's across the road from where we fucking live and it's in the woods and I want my son to learn in the woods I want like

his nursery to be in the woods outside to appreciate nature all this stuff so we go like how do we approach these people how do we search this

turns out it's not a nursery there is a thing in Scotland where once a week nurseries are taken out to that forest just to have a day in nature

all nurseries apparently or not all, but like a lot of them on the fucking scheme. I feel like this is a very safe place to send them to fucking state school. My ex-girlfriend went to a hippie school commune thing. I fucking beg your pardon? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

for like a few years of her life. And she told me this story where they all, like including the teachers, went naked swimming. I'm not joking. How old was she? Like, seven.

First of all, the most shocking bit about this story is the fact that hippies wash. Yeah, she went to school in a Manson family, apparently. Yeah, there was a whole module on how to kill Sharon Day yeah I'm not

I'm not sure how happy I'd be if Caelan came back from school one day and we went I've been swimming in the lake today

with one of the teachers I'd be like I don't remember saying that before well this is my I was like that's fucking weird and she was like no it was nothing I don't think children should be afraid of, this is my, I was like, that's fucking weird. She was like, no, it was nothing.

I don't think children should be afraid of nudity, but I think there should also be boundaries on nudity. Well, this is the thing, because she was like, no, no, no, there was nothing sexual about it whatsoever. Of course not. I'm like, but even so, like, it's still, and yeah, they would like make teepees and stuff. Yeah.

And all of this mad shit. And I was just like, what the fuck was going on? I basically got more confident and happy than you, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, well, that's not difficult. I'm not the base level of someone to measure happiness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then again, neither is London. And maybe this is why. There was a funny guy walking in today, because Cara went to me like, oh, did you tell it? No. It was, I couldn't believe. My dumb bitch wife.

I'm glad you said it. The love of her. And also like, you've got to, Cara is always the ones where I'm, and not that I am a social hand grenade, but when you're in a relationship, one of you is more anything

than the other. So I was that in mind, but I would say a joke that would bomb around people who weren't comics. And she would always, my ex would always go, I have to warn people.

Like, you might not like him. At first, he'll grow it. He's going to come in and do this and then he'll be himself in like two hours once he's finished being comedian

yes yeah yeah yeah kind of the exact same fucking explanation she is I'm normally the one that puts my foot in it says something I fucking shouldn't

like I fuck up on I'm normally quite a good secret keeper if I remember that it's a secret other times I'll just throw it in you come in and

Cara goes so how do you feel about your ex being on a date the other day and i'm like that what the so you and your partner broke up some while ago and you'd said to us because we were all friends with her because we've been with her for a while you were like hey, just don't tell me what she's up to. It's a fine breakup. She's going to be first trapping. Don't put a picture of it in the group. I don't need to be reminded. She's moving on

and I'm happy she's moving on but I have removed myself from seeing her moving on. So could you please be friends and not tell me you're bringing gossip because it'll make it feel bad. And I think one of us did at one point and that's when you brought it'll make it and i think one of one of us is at one point and that's when you brought it up and i think in the group oh you did i i find it i've

got like a real masochistic side to me so we broke up once before this is i'm fucked up right so i we know i yeah so i when we got back together i like wanted to know that she took up with other people and a bit of me was like oh like i like, and like, I hate saints. Just like, yeah, you know, that's kind of hot. And, yeah.

Like, like, like, cuck with an asterisk. No, it made me, it made me like, feel slightly emasculated,

but like, also at the same time, like, I figured, I, a bit, because you always, you view your partner in a certain way

and then you're like, oh yeah, you weren't with me and you were going out there and you were still living life. Like, I quite liked it that you were like out there you we were in this sadness but you were still like i'm gonna go get laid yeah that's quite cool

yeah yeah it's absolutely yeah yeah yeah just being like i'm i'm i'm sad but i'm still gonna fucking move on and do the necessary stuff oh yeah and then i do think it is cuck with an asterisk yeah it was it was very funny because i was there i was like yeah but i bet i could knock him out and she was like oh no no, he was in the Israeli Defence Force. He would... And also, I don't care. That doesn't matter to me at all.

Oh no, no, no. It's a guy that I was like, man, you've never seen someone go so quickly from the river to the sea. Palestine will be free. Inshallah. I very quickly like

suddenly found a side to choose so I don't tell Cara that you've told us not to do this because Cara is a very emotionally mature a very emotionally sensitive lovely yeah

person she's very I mean she's not my therapist but she does a very good job which she fucking needs to be then she'll just go so were you sad

when you saw your ex was going on a date the other day and you when you uh saw your ex was going on a date the other day and you went what do you mean she's going on a date it kind of went whoa she was just posted on instagram that she was going to go on a date today and you went i don't follow on instagram i kind of went what and i'm like what sort of dumb torture like man it would be the equivalent if when you walked into our house today, if you just walked in

with a shirt with a picture of Ray on it. Just be like, Cara! How you doing? Why are you crying? Happy to see me? Those look like sad tears.

What did I do? Did I not take my shoes off? I found it, I found it, I found it, the audacity of what happened so funny that it overrode the, the like,

oh, what the fuck? That it, because I knew, I knew it wasn't malicious. No, of course it wasn't. I knew like,

I was like, oh, this is hilarious that you fucked this up. Yeah. I was like, right, you've got to find this funny immediately.

But then I was there like, what did the guy look like? Did it go somewhere nice? Yeah, yeah. Because I was there like, what did the guy look like? Did it go somewhere nice? Did it look expensive? This is the thing. My ex, her in London, she will be able to get like a fucking finance bro. So when I date in London, the girls that I go out with are like in law in finance

and because I like do comedy in London I'm more exciting than the finance bro so I think what happens in London is like women

because you're a bit of fucking scum yeah exactly there's no security to you there's no foundation they're like am I gonna am I gonna build

an entire house on just this like wet sand? Why do we never go to yours? Oh, well, my dad would. My dad. Mark Steele, by the way. You're a fan of Radio 4, sweetheart.

So I always end up with girls like that who are bored of finance guys and are bored of that stuff because they I'm bored of men in finance so I'm going to date a man with no finances yeah yeah yeah

I'm going to date oh I'm paying for this round as well or whatever they're like should we go for cocktails ooh her version of

living dangerously is like I went on a date with Elliot Steele and I just told him to go to the bar and I gave him my card. It's been seven days

and apparently he has three PlayStations. I've upgraded to Ray of Gold. And so I've like, in my head, like whenever I thought about, because you do, after a breakup, you go,

well, I wonder that and I'm just down. I'm like, oh man, I know that guy's going to have a fucking nice car like you know when you go like oh I know he's got it

that's not first of all that's not necessarily it'll be vacuous it'll be but it will be that but I also think that you

I think in that thing you are projecting things that you would see as more impressive about him and not necessarily stuff that she would be more I'm cooler than a nice car and a nice,

I've got confidence in my head of like, I live an exciting life. Like I live a fun lifestyle. I've got, I've got cool things going on. And also women are so cool. Cause they look at guys, they'll look at a guy like myself and like,

they'll go, wow, he's trying to do something. That's really impressive. Whereas they kind of sometimes look at guys in finance and that, and they, and they'll go, this guy's actually trying to do something. That's really impressive. Whereas they kind of sometimes look at guys in finance and they'll go, this guy's actually quite sad. He's got his money, he's got this, but he wanted to be an opera singer.

He wanted to be something. They look at guys in finance and they go, what sort of limp-wristed pressure are you going to be able to put on my neck? I don't know. I'm just not interested. I've met some of them, man.

A lot of jujitsu guys are like, like jujitsu is like an expensive hobby. So a lot of them are always like in banking and in these things. And it's like a martial art with autistic people in it. So everyone, so they get drawn to course people who are numbers. Yeah. Yeah.

And so like a lot of the people you meet in jujitsu, you out like oh i work for goldman sachs or i work and i can afford private lessons and i can afford all of these things so i can get very good at it so i've i lost to a guy in a comp twice who my girlfriend my ex-girlfriend came to see one of and oh man i did like i looked this guy up on instagram afterwards it's like pictures of him on boats and shit and he was fucking lovely gorgeous oh my god stunning the only thing i had was i was taller than him you're gonna go out with a jacked and palumper are you how's fucking the hobbit they're just tapping out to him

like well he's probably afforded good steroids look I would keep you here forever but you have a show yeah what time is it it's quarter past eight buddy oh shit okay yeah yeah

do you want to plug your show I'll be on every night apart from the 14th at the Deli Belly a horrifically named room at the Underbelly it's selling out it's going well so if you want to come down get tickets it's a really good show all right man i

am genuinely uh very excited to see it i'm obviously not going to tell you when i'm coming because i you know i'll just fucking sneak in the back oh there's a so i could put a ticket by no no no no no no no no no i'm i always pay well that's not true i've started to always pay so now let history show that i've always paid um yeah no no man i'm to be very sincere with that i'm very excited to see you sign up i know you've taken it you know very seriously and and the amount of work ethic that you've put in in the past two years shows in your stand-up online i'm very excited to see in a full fucking hour uh i can't wait oh thank you very kind but yeah well i also have a podcast called b-tech philosophers

and i'm on instagram at ell Steele and all that stuff. There he is. And I should probably plug my ex's Insta as well. In case you're working finance. See you guys later. you