Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.43: Please Love Me (ft. Kara Sloss)

Episode Date: August 16, 2023

Daniel Sloss interviews his wife Kara using the questions provided by our listeners. Welcome to the podcast's first couples therapy session.

Hello fuckers, welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. I managed to trick my wife, Cara Sloss, into being a guest on this podcast. She said she only wants to do half an hour, and I'm going to straight up tell you, I think we'll get more than that. You've sent in questions, if you were on the Instagram, if you were on the Patreon, we give you the chance early in the day to ask some questions for me to ask. I will be asking a bunch of them. Sloss and Humphreys on the road.

Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Also, there's no point where this has to start We can just

I can literally just ask you Literally, what was your favourite show Out of the shows you saw yesterday and I know you saw 5 and I know that's going to put you in a difficult position let's try to do the math of how long I was I was out for 12 hours I was out for longer than 12 hours because

I went out half past 3 you left at half past 3 but me and Cailin I was in Abattoir because me and Cailin left I was in Abattoir a half past three because me and Caelan left the house at about

12 30 yes yeah um you stayed waiting for your

bridesmaids slash my cousins no yes yes you can true or false?

If you want to, just to get into this, if you wouldn't mind, could you tell the story of why my cousins are your bridesmaid? Because you threatened me. I don't remember it this way, but... It was a threat. I don't even think this way but it was a threat I don't even think we were together no

no it was before we were official and so this is back in just to give the context 2018 maybe of the year that you and I

after initially kissing and the fallout of that being your sister, my ex-girlfriend, not being cool with that. We kept our relationship secret for a year.

It wasn't a relationship. It was not. We were just fucking each other whenever we could be arsed, which was a lot. which was a lot I just I have to make sure that this isn't Chris and Rosie Ramsey that's all this is I have to make sure that when you

and I do this we do this in our own individual way because baby we're never going to sell out Wembley baby I'm not going to sell out Wembley Baby I'm not going to say Ella Wembley So during this Year of us being in secret It was you Chatting

I don't know why you were talking about your family You just like to talk And You were saying how That you and David And Andrew had made this pact. I don't know if Matthew and Jack were involved in this. No, so there were the three big boy cousins who were the original. So I was on my mum's side of the family.

I'm the oldest. Then there was Andrew, and then there was Josie, and then there was David. And then obviously Josie passed away and that left us with the three big boy cousins and then after Joe what's the name Katie Morag is that the name of the fucking book

you're northern do you know the Katie Morag books I know what you're talking about I guarantee if you fucking google them you'll know them do you know Katie Morag so they were like Katie Morag I So they were like... Yeah, Katie Morag. Yeah, let me...

I don't know who that is. I'll show you right now. You know who's Katie Morag? No. So Katie Morag was a children's book that my grandparents had back when fucking seven books existed. And it was about this little girl from Scotland called Katie Morag and she had big boy cousins.

And that's where the term big boy cousins came from. Right. So when Ailey was born after Josie passed, and then Sarah after the fact. Wait, is Chad the youngest of them? Yes. Is he? Yes.

Very embarrassing. I looked over to my other brothers to get the answer to the question, and he went, eh. Yes, Chad is the youngest. So that's where we got the big boy cousins thing from because I think even David is five or six years older so there was just this gap between us and

Ailey and Sarah, well Ailey loved us all, Sarah was a little piece of shit but we all loved each other because loved us all. Sarah was a little piece of shit. But we all loved each other because in something that I'm sure you've heard. Family. Do you have anything to say about my family? Nope.

I'm sure it's been covered several times. By Cullen. Cullen has very aggressively covered my family's love of each other and how unnatural it is. It's weird. Huh? Yeah. So, how did I blackmail you or threaten you? It wasn't even a threat to me.

It was, you just put it into the air and was like, you better pick up on this. You didn't, like, say, this is what it's got to be. You just, the fact that you said it, you floated it into there. My vision board is just saying things out loud to people and hoping they do. Peace country, peace country. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was something along the lines of, oh, me and my cousins, we have this pact that like girl cousins have to be bridesmaids at our wedding like we've promised them that they will be bridesmaids at our wedding and if my future wife can't get on board with that then she's not going to be my wife it's like alright then yeah

I was going to say you know those impossible standards you have when you walk into to say you know those impossible standards you have when you walk into this relationship you absolutely did not have that with me except today but yeah just you know when you think you want something from this and it's very important to your relationship

like we'd said to them since they were young they could be bridesmaids and I thought that was dead I thought that was dead in the fucking water i thought that was just something he said to kids you know like santa's real yeah like and you know what you know hey we can't go to mcdonald's next we can't go to mcdonald's today but we'll go next week and hopefully in the next week the kid forgets that they were getting mcdonald's next

week i thought that was going to happen with Alien Sarah and then fucking Andrew at his wedding made both Alien Sarah price base and I'm like well I'm like well now I have to did you mention it to them after that wedding? no and they didn't mention it to be fair to Alien Sarah they did not expect to be your

price base at all you expected it I did early. Not expected, but like with the false sort of eye. You'll, my future wife will do this and my future wife will do this.

It was very ranty. I would love to drag 27 year old me into this room and just get him to tell you all the things he thought his future partner was going to do and just watch you you wouldn't even have to admonish him I think the look you would give him

would make him enough to be like this is the saddest I've ever been with an erection he'd fancy you of course he would right now yeah yeah my Christmas jumper

top the unmatching bottoms yeah the and also just out of curiosity how many unwashed hair out of

what number of how many Christmas pyjamas are these did you say dinner or diarrhoea? Dinner? Do you think he just wears diarrhoea stained clothes? I know I'm a lot of things. I think you might not notice his diarrhoea,

but if it's that... How did it go on my arm? That was going to be my answer. What did you put a sponge with me on? I just don't want to... Because I'm not wearing gloves. Oh yeah, my nails that aren't painted properly I don't want to put one of my nails

Through the little wet wipe So I've got to do it with the oxter Of me fucking No wait that's the oxter And that's just a Scottish word isn't it oxter Nobody You don't call it oxter I don't like that it's gross

You don't like it as a term But you agree oxstam's a term Sweaty Oxstam's Aye So gross So because of my We've gone so far off topic, this is annoying This is why you're on the podcast baby

Do you remember what this conversation's about? It's about your French day right? Yeah Okay And all this we've derailed about It's my fault for not having a clue what this conversation's about? It's about your French day, right? Yeah. Okay. And others we've derailed about. It was my fault for not having a clue what you were talking about. Look, this is why I'm telling you that you need to be on the podcast regularly, right? Because Matthew's there working this out.

And whenever Jack's here, he's fucking Googling World of Warcraft or Minecraft or whatever Jack's doing. I'll occasionally look over at Jack and I'll be like, can you google that? And he's like who's in the room? It would be very good to have you regularly because when me and Guy drink in front of you and Natalie which you also join in drinking but we're very much

doing it as a performance, you will regularly point out how often we go off track I know it's Natalie's it's sometimes fascinating to watch mostly infuriating yeah i imagine that's how everyone who listens to this podcast feels yeah i'm sorry no no no i keep coughing i don't want to oh we'll just turn it away no you're good hey hey i don't know how loud it is so that's his job um so because I forced you to have a Relationship with all of my family And because

Because you are a Very sweet and loving person No they're my friends in their own right That's what I mean No they're Daniel's cousins I didn't say goodbye to my cousins I went out for a walk with Caitlin I didn't say goodbye to my cousins today I went out for a walk with Caitlin

and you I didn't say bye to your cousins today I went to my bed well I kind of did I just walked past them up the stairs and went bye

I'm going to sleep I didn't see Ailey though this was only to Sarah okay fair enough but yeah I just went back to my bed because because Ailey and Sarah

the only times I've brought them to the fringe before yeah to see you right like they hadn't done anything else other than see you

no or the other shows that like my mum had booked that day like they've only ever come in as like in the wake of whatever I've been doing

to be fair they didn't pick anything that we saw because when I offered it out nobody knew what they wanted and we were all very much like oh it's fine we're happy to do

whatever don't mind so I just went rogue oh I don't think you went rogue oh I covered everything that's not rogue that's tactical that's smart you did it in a way but I didn't go off of recommendations that's rogue for me I didn't go for oh I know this is like a sure vine

I agree with what you're saying my I know this is like a sure thing. I agree with what you're saying. My only stipulation is when the Fringe app opened up, I went rogue. I was, I would describe. You had some sort of meltdown. And pushed buttons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And booked. you booked four tickets

for shows not knowing if anyone would go with you and then booked and that's just taking up seats it's fine I've

do me a favour every four tickets I've bought I've felt so far in fact today I managed to get five into those no there was one you didn't

which one there was one last last week I don't think I've put any forwards. The theatre one on Thursday. You went on your own. Oh, you're right, darling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, it's for theatre though. Fuck them. Can I see that? I can. We'll never have them on the podcast. Though Ruben K will come on next week and be like

how fucking dare you I love him yeah I've met him once no possibly last night but I don't remember yeah

well so this was no finish your French story sorry yes the girls came round you see how easy it is it's yours it's you it's yours. It's you.

It's you. You love to talk and tell stories. It's like, oh, I've got one that's just popped into my head. I have to say it immediately. Speaking of. When we're after this. Okay. The first time I became fully aware of this,

because look, here's... Sorry, I'm just getting the camera open because it's closed you you put up with so much of my shit you'll complain about me in the same way that I complain about you which is just very openly

in a very open way to make fun of each other like we never grab behind each other's backs whereas sometimes i don't know if you feel this way in our relationship but sometimes by the fifth or sixth time you've mentioned a personality trait of mine i'm like oh fuck she loves me and and she's brought it up at the seventh time and that means the people that don't love me as much as my wife want to say this thing, but are waiting for the 50th or 60th opportunity to do so.

Because we trust each other, you'll say it. And when you were like, and it's never criticism. You're just like, you were really drunk last night. And I'll be like, we'll be sitting there and she's like, whenever you get drunk, you really love last night? And I'll be like, we'll be sitting there and she's like, whenever you get drunk, you really love talking about comedy. And if anyone asks you any questions about comedy,

you'll talk for hours at a time. We do the Sydney Opera House. I'm expecting a bunch of drinks afterwards because it's like a big night. But we've been in Australia for two weeks at this point. We're getting back. Cale has been out

the entire fucking time. Everyone's tired. We get home. Most people go to bed. Except for our dad. Our father. That sounds weird.

I specifically phrased it that way. Our father, Dave. Our father. Our father. I love my father, Dave. My father, Dave. My father-in-law, Dave. I don't care about the law, I care about the love. My father-in-love, Dave. I don't care about the law, I care about the love. My father-in-love, Dave. I love you a little less.

I don't even know what the point of this story is. What are you talking about? He stayed up with me that night. He stayed up for a fucking drink and he was just like, because your dad's very interested in comedy. Why are we talking about my dad? About how I go off on

tangents. Aha. I see. So I think your dad wanted to stay up. I think your dad wanted to stay up and talk about comedy for five minutes. You think he did? Don't think he got a choice. I didn't

know this about you. Poor man's walking upstairs to his bed just like oh do you have a good show Well Dave Let me tell you how it all started I've already poured you a drab Come join me You know I don't drink whiskey Daniel Light a wee candle

I saw you Hey Got your jammies on Your dad's a hot man I don't want to fuck him But he's good looking You grew up with people Who wanted to fuck your father I saw you. Hey. Got your jammies on? Your dad's a hot man. I don't want to fuck him, but he's good looking. You grew up with people wanting to fuck your father. Doesn't make it right.

That's true. That's true. Anyway, despite my tangent, tangent. I don't even know what we're talking about. Your French day. I mean, it feels like a very dragged out story just to say that I was out. Welcome to the podcast. The podcast should be called Dragged Out Story.

Let's say that we were out at four and we got home at half past six this morning. And can I, not to shame you in any way, but is there any way you could tell the listeners to this podcast how the first attempt of booking your Uber this morning went. I was very confused this morning eating my bacon roll when I received a text message. This is the bacon roll you're having at home? Yes, my Starbucks that I had delivered

because that's who I am when I'm hungover. We had bacon in the fridge, we had toast in the house. Oh, we had bread and a toast up at you. Were you going to cook for me? Could have done. I'll carry on, shall I? I got a text message that said, it was very confusing.

Your parking is about to expire. I was like, Daniel, where have you been? Did you use my phone? I went into message and I had paid for parking at half past five this morning in the centre of Edinburgh for a car that was parked outside our front door. £2.65. Because you were trying to book an Uber. No.

Yes. I saw a car that didn't have a parking ticket. No. I don't know. Let's tell the full fucking story here. No, what happens is I get to a level of drunk where things just mix together in my head. So what I can only assume happened was

you, earlier on that day, yesterday, had asked me to pay for parking on my phone. I couldn't get internet in town. I was parking the car. I saw the attendants coming over. I waved to one of them. I said, I'm doing it. I couldn't get any signals. I had to phone you from, and not even 4G, from like the regular, the bars.

You know, back in the 90s when you phoned from the bars? I had to do that. Like some sort of slumlord. It felt like when I was phoning you I had to put the rotary dial phone in, it was so old and I went can you please put two hours on the car? So that's why I was in your head Yes, so I think that I was just extending your session

I don't know At that point the phone should have been like alright motherfucker you've missed 12 hours of payment well it was £2.65

from 5.39 this morning until 1pm this afternoon oh that's impressive because you get free parking on a Sunday until 1 o'clock

so I paid for free parking. I love drunk me sometimes. Sometimes she's... I think I was telling people, people, Elliot Steele, I think I told him we were off to do karaoke when we were on our way home. Yeah, because he didn't message...

He said enjoy karaoke. I was like, why? Where am I going to karaoke? Six in the morning. Maybe we were coming back to go to the bar, not realising it was six o'clock in the morning. Or maybe you intended to ruin a poor early shift taxi driver's day when you were like, I don't care who this Uber driver is.

In my head, it's fucking James Corden and we're doing karaoke. It was a fun time. Aye. And of the five shows you saw yesterday, do you want to tell us all five? The first one will be your favourite.

It was a hypnotist. It was silly. It was cute. It was cute. It was family friendly. Was it rapey? No. No? No, it was full of 80s songs.

Okay, okay. And it just made people do dancing, basically. And so all the hypnotist stuff was just like, what was he getting cunts to do? One guy, every time a certain song came on picked up pom-poms and was a cheerleader. Great. One woman an American woman, she

every time 500 miles came on, she had to strut up and down the stage. When he said a word everyone thought it had a wet willy in their ear. It was just stupid, silly stuff and did you and there's no

wrong answer to this this is we're in a safe space you know my bias towards hypnotists I went to spite you I am very aware of that's why you fucking went I'm also aware of that that's why you went to theatre

even though I you went to theatre even though I've gone to theatre was there any creepy vibes from the dude no none he kind of reminded us of Craig Hill do you want to take a photo of him I do

because here's the reason why I think hypnotists are creepy I can name on one finger how many female hypnotists I know and that is if I count it on a finger

that I've cut off from my fucking hand in the same way that there are so few female magicians it's just very, oh that is very Craig Hill bald slightly older there are so few female magicians it's just very oh that is very Craig Hill it is isn't it bald slightly older

happy and then most importantly pink shirt and we all know that's why I bought tickets he doesn't look to be fair he doesn't look like one of the creepy he wasn't at all creepy

what's his name? Matt Hale. H-A-L-E. Would you recommend it as a show to people? I would, yes. We were running late for it because I discovered yesterday that there are more than one Gilded Blue venue.

Is there? Yeah. Potterhouse. What? Yeah, which is where... It was on Chamber Street. gilded bloom venue is there yeah patterhouse what yeah which is where it was on chamber street where the fuck is chamber street you do know where chamber street

oh it's the museum opposite that but it's the same yeah yeah yeah same road yeah so there's a gilded bloom venue there didn't know it

but I'm like yeah yeah we're in abattoir we've only got like to walk around the corner five minutes no we had to walk all the way to chamber street oh because the gilded had to walk all the way to the museum i completely forgot so we had to like sprint down the road it was the top floor all the way top uh and what was your okay and and then we're like oh my god

the show was meant to start uh sit down no time to go to the bar and then during the show people kept getting up to go to the bar so i just sat mad that we didn't go to the bar. And then, during the show, people kept getting up to go to the bar. So I just sat mad that we didn't go to the bar. Okay. Not mad that people were standing up in front of you? No. Just the fact that

at no point were they like, anyone else? Anyone else? No, because I was right at the edge. I couldn't get out. But no, it was dead wholesome.

It was very cute. That's something I get super involved. You, by the way, from what this man was saying, you go under hypnosis loads. Do I? Yeah, just when you From what this man was saying You go under hypnosis loads Do I? Yeah, just when you zone out

You're in a state of hypnosis Apparently that's what he's saying Oh, like when I'm not Yeah If you're just like Sitting on your phone And you're just like Oh, what was I doing?

Do you think that's what What Caelan does? No, he's just weird I don't know where he goes Yeah, our son Does the thing And it's not even every Hour

It's anytime you try to communicate him It's just randomly He'll be having the time of his fucking life And by the way Before I tell this story I don't want any Child psychologist Diagnosing him

Any doctors Any fucking parents of any doctors any fucking parents of kids with any fucking disease tell us what you think your kid has I'm sure that's an interesting or tough thing for you to go through don't just add your is that cough?

that's cancer my mum coughed and she had cancer and she's dead now you coughed that's cancer don't do that with us as parents he will while having the time of his life just and she's dead now. You coughed that scat. Don't do that with us as parents. He, well, while having the time of his life, just...

Did you ever watch That's So Raven as a kid? Did you just go, you should have a vision. That's what he does. Raven had a vision? Do you know what I'm talking about? That's So Raven. I know of That's a Raven

but it was beyond my Disney time like I was I was Saved by the Bell Keenan and Kel Cat Dog Ren and Stimpy sort of generation and then there was the next generation which was Icarly

I don't watch that No, That's a Raven was around that sort of time That's a Raven was definitely within my thing but it was like like boy meets world was the other end of the way i guarantee you've never seen boy meets world no boy meets world was like 1998 to 1999 whereas that's so raven i'm gonna say was 2002 also boy meets world was definitely 1985 Point being She zones out and has visions That's what I like to pretend he's doing See the future

Well he doesn't seem happy about it if he can't He just seems confused Because he's only 18 months Of course he's confused He doesn't understand Oh god what's going to happen So Hypnosis was good Oh God, what's going to happen? Aye. So, Hypnosis was good.

Next up. Yes, would recommend. Next up was Michelle Brazier. Wow. What a voice. Why is she doing comedy? Despite the fact that she's very funny. But like, why would you have that fucking talent for singing? Oh, she's so good at singing.

I have to admit, on that show, we were using our hip flasks. Oh, yeah, good girl. You took your hip flask to the fringe? Yeah. I didn't know this. I took my hip flask to your show back in 2017. When we met? Yeah.

Did you? That's why we were last in and got put at the front, because nobody wanted to fucking sit there. So we had to be like, uh-huh. Sorry, can you just tell the background of this story because I know people are interested. Oh my god. So we hadn't seen each other since... So we met

2012 and then hadn't seen you since then. It was my first experience or my first year going to the Fringe. Had no idea what to expect. I was here for a week and all we knew is that we had to book shows and there are 3000 shows to pick from

so it's stressful deciding what to pick unless you get recommendations but of course we didn't know anyone that had really been so I had found that you were doing your show and had said look and just to clarify it might not be funny I can't remember So I had found that you were doing your show and had said, look...

And just to clarify, just... It might not be funny, I can't remember. No, no, that wasn't the question. Just for our listeners, were you a fan of me before? No, if you'd let me finish the sentence, I was saying that at the very least, we know Daniel Sloss

as a comedian so we'll just go to that show it might be shit we don't know it's been five years since we've seen him and there's no way he's gotten better

I didn't know anything about the venue I didn't know anything so you didn't know how fucking famous I was no I didn't care still don't I think we booked tickets and then I went on your Instagram and famous I was. No, I didn't care. Still don't. I think we booked tickets

and then I went on your Instagram and I think you were like just under 10,000 followers or maybe around 10,000 followers at that point. And I was like, ooh, still don't know it for himself. And then, yeah, so there was three of us that went. I think that day we'd done Silent Disco Into your show

Into what was Late in Life And I very much bad mouth you for the Silent Disco Oh yeah, if we didn't give a fuck I'd do it now I love the Silent Disco I'd have to be drunk for it Which is why we had the hip flasks out So we'd just get a wee bottle of juice The other day when I walked to Mothers and Toddlers

With Cailin, there is this silent disco, which I remember so much from the time we met. And it's so big now that they had to break up into three separate parade groups. They take about 50 people on them. Oh, this was 150. Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But is it all the same company? Because more than one company do them. So they all flag yeah walking down they're all singing their fucking songs

except for one girl while we're walking down she just goes Daniel Sloss working 925 what a way to make a living yeah he's right there dead dead dead dead

yeah not a biggest fan dead dead dead and I'm just being like thank god my son doesn't understand full English I love the style of discos but yes we're just taking the hip flasks for that got to your show

and people queue I'm one of the ones that like to wait until the queue's moving and then I'll get involved so people are queuing outside your room at the EICC? Yes. And we went to the bar to just get lemonade

to then pour in our hip flasks. You dirty little So we were able to just walk in. Fucking chukter. Didn't think that we were going to be in the front. You dirty.

You see, here's the thing whenever I say that she's cheap and northern and you all think I'm being racist no no no no because yesterday what we were doing was buying doubles and then adding in more

like we still paid that bar and we did that doesn't make it better we did shots like we did our part okay

don't make me don't don't also by the way darling you can get free drinks at the bar and you're not

affected anyway oh the kilted balloon assembly pleasants they're all making underbelly's also

making their fucking money they don't why don't they be cool irrelevant this is why you'd be good on the podcast what

just shut things down to be able to get halfway through a sentence and be like oh this is irrelevant as opposed to going I'm going to stop the podcast and make everyone remember

the thing I was saying well anyway why are we talking about the hip flask? Because we were talking about the story of how you first came to see me. No, we were talking about seeing Michelle Brazier. And we had hip flasks. And I admitted that we were using hip flasks in her show. Before, not while she was on. We just had Diet Cokes and Fanta.

But I was also asking you to get the story Of how we met So you were late You were late in the queue To come and see me Not even late in the queue You weren't on stage or anything They were just Filtering people in

And we were like One of the last people Through And like They were like Oh how many So we were like Three

Oh perfect Bang in the middle Of the front row Alright then I thought that was alright Except we wanted to be hidden in the further back so it was darker and we could get the hip flasks out without getting in trouble and then yeah we were just front and center lights on us i walked out

didn't recognize you instantly no i recognized you I didn't recognise you is this who I picked to see surely not fucking hell Matt Rife's got leukaemia I thought this was a hypnotist please make me think this is funny that's why I laughed I spoke to you yes This is funny. That's why I laughed.

I spoke to you. Yes. Yes. You'd asked a question in part of your show. And you used that as an in to be like. Don't pretend I used it as an in for you. You did because you went to ask my friend. And then I'm like, oh, hold on a minute. Are you?

I was like, oh, here we go yeah i am bitch i didn't know you were you okay uh to be well i do remember the crystallizing moment because and i know you'll deny this and you have every right to deny this but you were wearing the most fuck me jeans in the world. Anyone wondering what those are? They're just jeans with a rip in the leg. I had ripped jeans on yesterday. You know, like sluts wear?

Yeah, and you were gagging for it yesterday. Vintage you. I didn't get home till today. I don't know who you were fucking. True. I heard you bumped into Ruben K. I don't know though, did I? Maybe you cured him. Also bumped I heard you bumped into Ruben K. I don't know though. Did I?

Maybe you cured him. I also bumped into Elliot Steele. Maybe you cured him. Of what? Quick, Google what horse, what disease

do horses get? Mad cow. Oh God, Oh god I'm too hungover for this No you're not, you're too great So Right yeah, Michelle Brazier, fantastic After that was Please Love Me Your kind of show

Please Love Me What? me your kind of show please love me what what do you mean by that what do you mean by that we're moving on quickly no we're not it was a theater performance with some pole dancing and that's not my show don't tell people that's my show please love me just sing that's what they sing in it it's great it's really catchy

but something you would enjoy it would be a bedtime song I should get them back in track for like your shows anyway very good and then from there we went to now I should get them back in track for like your shows. Anyway, very good.

And then from there we went to... Now, it was meant to be a bandaman. And it was cancelled. And why was it cancelled? Because of lightning. Is what we were led to believe. But no, it turns out he's not feeling well, which is very sad. Yeah, I found out today. I went to see another show today.

And somebody knows a panda man very well and was like he never gets sick and he's not i'm gonna see the show during the month it was just oh yeah i was desperate to a panda man is and i think you'll agree here if you are ever going to the french and if you're like let's just go see i think if you want a guaranteed fucking superb five stars out of five easily every single time without fail and if you're taking friends who've never been to the french before abandon man is always the answer you have to pre-book it because it's that fucking good but there is not a single person on this planet who's worthy of your time that would not enjoy

all of it I don't want to say derailed because that's dramatic but the day was planned around that show, that one was booked in for a while so we had to find a last minute sort of stand in for that and it was called

Sophie's Surprise 29th Birthday Party Yeah Now what would you expect that was? I would expect that it was One woman play About a woman approaching her 30s Who was like questioning Whether her friends from her 20s Were going to be her friends approaching her 30s who was questioning whether her friends from her 20s

were going to be her friends in her 30s and whether it was time to make the cut pre-30th birthday. Way too deep for what it was. So far from what it was. It was a circus show, but what they did was they picked Someone in the audience To be called Sophie Gave her a party hat

And then every so often they'd be like Happy birthday Sophie And get her to make choices And then at the end of the show they gave her Sophie's Choice She got a party bag This is a woman who doesn't get the Sophie's Choice reference That's why they got no laugh Is this funny?

It's not funny, it's very sad there's a movie called sophie's choice with merrill streep in it where she's a holocaust she's going to the holocaust and she's going to like pick which of her kids oh that's sophie's choice i so wish kai was here in this podcast me too I'm so sorry I think that was such a funny joke I'm so sorry you've actually got tears in your eyes it's not really bad

like it's so different to just it's so different Did you see It's so different Don't do the Beaker impression That's more of a I'm not doing It's you making the noise

I'm taking an impression I've just Normally when I say Horrible fucking things In this podcast They're either Ignored by This person And then laughed over here I've never Just normally when I say horrible fucking things in this podcast, they're either ignored by this person and then laughed over here.

I've never just had you be like, I don't get the reference, and now that you've explained it to me, that's awful. Yeah, it was just a circus act. It was brilliant. The circus acts are always

especially like because it's very impressive right so it's always impressive and you because like

it's proper like squeaky bum moment times people think that like circus has to be in this big fucking theatre for it to have any fucking value

but you've got to remember these people are doing physical things that none of us can do and seeing it in close proximity is actually infinitely more impressive than seeing it from 200 fucking feet away. It was yeah we really needed that after

the Please Love Me show which was like had trigger warnings of um abortion. No there wasn't one for rape but there should have been I guess it was abortion eating disorders it was quite a heavy

quite a heavy show and very very unprofessional that they kept the rape bit as a surprise just artistically it was well they never

it was weird I don't want to go too much into it just in case people see it but yeah but also it was

it's complicated to describe what we what we watched but the circus one very good then we had an hour

to kill until our final sexy circus show and how sexy not as sexy as I wanted it to be still very good

still very very very good how sexy did you want it to be did you want it to be like I want it cock I wanted it to be. Still very good. Still very, very, very good. How sexy did you want it to be? I wanted cock. I wanted tits. But how did you want it to be in a circus? Did you want like one woman, two and a half stars? It wasn't a circus. It was like cabaret.

Oh, okay. No, it was variety. There was fire twirling things. Was the fire coming out of any hole? No. It was just, well, except the mouth. There was fire Twilling things Was the fire coming out of any hole? No There was fire on bum cheeks A man lit a woman's bum cheeks on fire A woman's bum cheeks?

But there's no hair on those And then she had nipple tassels on And it was fire down her chest And then There was A Japanese Burlesque dance man That's what it was

And he had on a tiny little string I was concerned that was coming off I didn't want that so much actually So a tiny little Japanese man comes off No he wasn't tiny, he was henshin, he was in big heels But he was older than I was expecting I don't know what I was expecting It was

Great for a five to midnight show Okay Full of drunk people That were very very very rude And were booing And I don't have time for that Yeah yeah no

My cousin was telling me this There was some fucking And this is for me the bane of all live performance not even live performance is also the bane of fucking theater and cinema which is one of my cousins explained to me there was some guy in front who was drunk who'd been out the french fucking all day had decided to go to attend a midnight show yeah i mean i think they're used to it because it's that late of a show but it doesn't excuse it there's just this fucking drunk guy who's because a friend has booked a show and the way his friend has described it it's like it's a sexy circus show this one drunk cunt who's been

drinking for 12 hours is sat being like this isn't sexy my joke there of like it wasn't sexy enough he was serious about that it wasn't sexy enough for him i serious about that. It wasn't sexy enough for him. I was like, did you think you were coming to watch live porn? Porn's free online and you can watch it in real life. But why, Cara? I don't know. I just assumed

that's what he was after and he felt the need to boo. But luckily I had a tiny little Rottweiler with me. Kate, tap him on the shoulder Oi! He did actually pipe down after that I bet he fucking did

If you ever hear a fucking London accent coming from a small white woman you shut your mouth fucking immediately Like, see if I was in a show and I was being rude for whatever reason like my dad never hugged me or I've not had any talent in my life, and someone was tapping me in the shoulder and being like,

hello, darling, I was just wondering if there's any point if you would be able to just quiet down your voice for me, please, because I'm actually enjoying the entertainment. I'd turn around and be like, listen, toots. Why don't you fucking take a little Renault Clio drive off to a Starbucks get yourself a little mocha I don't know what would

a little hot chocolate I don't know a frappe whereas see if I was at a show and I was talking and somebody stepped forward with Kate's accent and be like hello darling I'll Kate's accent and I'd be like hello darling I'll cut your

fucking throat I'd be like good Hermione learned Avacadabra I gotta is that not the spell is that not the

Harry Potter spell Avacadabra you kind of mixed Avacadabra with what it should be which is Avacadabra Avacadabra with what it should be. Which is?

Avada Kedavra. Avada Kedavra. Oh, sure. I'm saying it's that. I'm saying it's that. I'm saying it's that. Do you want to go on to questions? Yes.

Just a bit here, though, because this has gone on way too long with my fringe chair. I disagree. I think that's just you being in camera for the first time I'm also trying to actively avoid the camera and also because I allow a lot of dead air and then when it's dead air I fill it with all of my inane chat

that you have to correct I imagine it feels like this is going on for a long time that you've not helped it just feels like we've spent too long talking about my fringe day I Garrett look when this

podcast goes global we why are you laughing you're the fuck your job is to make this bigger Matthew dreams can come true what do you mean

global's funny I I I sold out 8000 tickets in under fucking 7 minutes

in India like Turkey sold out in 2 days I'm global what is this come on questions

do you want to do the lovey's first I think it might be better to do the love yous first? I think it might be better to do first Yeah, we can just edit this Okay, so The thing me and Clive did on the podcast When we were two together for too long And easy to get airy things

Was I love you but And then you say something that you find annoying about them I asked you earlier today if you want us to do this and you said a very beautiful thing no i stole it from grey's anatomy gara i swear please tell the story but before people hear the story i didn't know that I thought this was just a really beautiful part of you No How wrong Ew As if I'd care Chris Lammy you're not on that season yet

So you've not seen it yet Spoilers I didn't spoil it As long as Jack Tenevery is still there And who's the chief? Who do we like? Who? Chief. Miranda?

No, chief. Miranda becomes chief? No. Miranda becomes chief? She gets fired. Does she just spot? Does Miranda become chief? What happens to chief?

What happens to Richard Webber? He's not chief. It's Hunt. Oh, yeah, that's right. He's always chief in my head. That's where it's got. That's where it's. Miranda was chief resident, remember?

That is a fact. Nice red herring, baby. Carry on. I stole it from Grey's Anatomy. You stole it from Grey's Anatomy. Because you were like, you have to do I love you buts and I was like, oh no, it's I love you and. In spite of everything you are. I love you and. I love you and in spite of everything you are I love you and I love you but

it's better because in our relationship please correct me wherever I get any of this wrong I am the emotional one I am the sensitive one I am the one that overthinks everything uh-huh um and because of that that feels like to me that was where i'd be like no i love you but but i love you and because that's more inclusive

of course that's how you thought of it And you're like Miranda said it and I love fucking Miranda It was actually Addison Montgomery Addison Montgomery's Derek's ex Yes I'll still never forgive them for killing Mark Sloan

I didn't answer because I don't know Who you were thinking You saw me cry my eyes out When Mark Sloan died And Lexi and everyone else that dies Let's not Oh that's a spoiler Yeah it is

I cried when I thought Oh fucking Ginger Surgeon was even contemplating death Made me weep Hunt No no Ginger Ginger Surgeon Was even contemplating death Made me weep Hunt No no Ginger The one that

Did Fucking Arizona Our mentor The season we've just watched Ginger Lady Had the brain tumour Ginger Lady Oh

Give her a ginger If that's what's fucking you up The Arizona's Elder Who She's not ginger She's ginger She is I'm getting a's elder who She's not Ginger. She's Ginger. I'm getting a picture

of her. She's Ginger. What's her fucking name again? Yeah. What's her name on the show? She was the mum in Stuart Little. Herman. Dr. Herman. Nicole Herman. Nicole Herman. She's not Ginger. She's not Ginger? That's brownie

blondie. Not Ginger. Was's not Ginger? That's brownie-y, blondie. Not Ginger. Was she Ginger in Stuart Little? Don't know. Can you look up the mum from Stuart Little, Matthew, and tell me if she was Ginger? And don't tell me if you think she's Ginger. Because also, sorry for another tangent,

I don't know if you know this, Stuart Little was one of your favourite movies growing up. I'm sorry Matthew, do you not know your own favourite films? Just in the sense that from the age of like I think three to seven that was like his because we've not got to that stage with Caelan yet

there's no thing that he demands on for me it was Boy and the Bird which was the Rescuers Down Under. My mum and dad will tell you I would it was boy and the bird which was the rescue rescuers down under my mom and dad will tell you i would scream for boy and the bird boy and the bird boy and the bird and that was that so i'm just curious if you remember her being ginger from sure little not i don't remember much about the film oh man i wonder that's luke ginger oh she does there there that's that's where it's come from okay i'm definitely wrong now she's does there. There. That's where it's come from. Okay, I'm definitely wrong now.

She's definitely not Ginger now, but that's where my Ginger recollection was coming in. Anyway, we're talking about why I'm sensitive. No, we were talking about where I got I love you and from. Yes. So you're being... It's not that you... I don't think you're A meaner person than me

In any way I know I regularly talk in the podcast about you and Cullen being The mean girls But you and I bitch The same amount About several things I just think It's funner with Cullen

Because Cullen is not as Pathetically empathetic as I am. Yeah. I don't like confrontation. No. I don't like hating other people. Even though I do hate other people and I do it sometimes on this podcast, it does fill me with a fucking heavy guilt,

whereas you're just like anyone that's burnt me Can not die in a fire Not as harsh as me Get fucked Right do your thingy my bobbers Okay I love you But I'm so intrigued

Am I going first I love you and I'm guilty of this too But you're worse so here's why it's coming up I find it hard to show you A film or TV show that I really love Because I know you'll be on your phone For most of it No

If you told me it was one of your favourite films I watched all of the Batman ones The Prestige If you just put something on to pass time time me okay i'm not because i because you give me grace and i mean i am on my phone a lot during that and i know but like here's where this came from and um i love the daredevil TV series. Oh. Here we go. Drag up this then. I love

the Daredevil series. You love Marvel. Yes. I wanted to love Daredevil. You just wouldn't answer my fucking questions. In hindsight. Yes. During lockdown we watched all the Marvel movies together. What, S.H.I.E.L.D.? We watched all the Marvel movies together

when everything came out what Shield we watched all of Shield together loved that Shield which and here's where my point comes up

Shield where if anyone's watched Agents of Shield you know that after season four they just go fuck the rules let's just do

anything and make this entertaining and if you surrender to it which we did we loved every single season of Agent Shield

and I'm sure we'll watch it again yeah we then watched the Marvel movies we're all into it and I'm like Daredevil's just the best Jessica Jones started that we loved that

we loved that we're like let's get into this let's do this together and for some reason Daredevil was the one time during all of the Marvel movies that

I think some guy loaded his gun and Daredevil went oh that's an M16 and Kara went that's ludicrous and I went what? Why this point? I hadn't been given his backstory at this point and you refused hadn't been given this backstory

at this point and you refused to tell me when I was going to find out the information that I needed to know and then I found it difficult to watch

yes yes in hindsight I this is embarrassing because this is and I love you but that I've now realised comes back to

my feelings because because you're right it was it was you just wanted further explanation it was just me going watch it fucking listen because obviously you got so annoyed well we're not watching that anymore then the best the best marvel tv series is objectively daredevil it just is I'll never know and we get five

and you're enjoying all the episodes and you're like oh getting it but yeah this wasn't just episode one we got no no no and also here's where I am wrong

here's where I'm 100% wrong because I've grown up in the family I have loving things I obviously knew all of the history of fucking Daredevil and just the fact like in the same way that if there was a Spider-Man movie

where they explained that Uncle Ben was killed and that's why Spider-Man you'd be like yeah man I know

don't give me that again that was me with Daredevil and fuck fuck my I Love You But Was A Failure On Me

okay let's delete that one and let's start with Cara Okay I love you But you need to learn to close drawers and cupboards After you've gotten your clothes out It's infuriating

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah You just walk away It's pulled out, Why is that drawer out? Why is that door open? And why are the clothes that I know are But you don't do it with like kitchen cupboards No Pick a lane

All the cupboards are open Or none of them You can't just pick and choose Oh I'll have the bedroom doors open But I know how to close the mug cupboard That one doesn't confuse me. The milk cupboard just being a fridge, by the way. The mug, not milk.

Oh, no, delete that, Matthew. Delete that. Delete that bit where I corrected and I was wrong. Can you delete that bit where I... With every day of your life, you're always wrong. Yes, 100%. yes 100% but do you not agree

that it's with our house it's just so much easier to leave our room a disgusting state that's not the point the drawer doesn't need to be open I'm aware of it Cara I've got a lot of clothes and I know what you're going to say

to Nate them it's specifically your boxer jolt huh? it's specifically your boxer jolt it's not have you not seen my drawers

and my actual t-shirts oh yeah you leave them with like t-shirts hanging out over them it's like you've tried on outfits like the top so it's like it's like five

drawers and then like that fucking five feet of clearance where they give you space for hanging your thing. You don't hang anything? I hang some shirts that I never wear and that's why you never see me using it. The top shelf, which is the one which is above the top drawer,

is at a 35 degree angle because that's how much my clothes are stuffed into it. Because I just need to Is that why you leave the drawers open? No I do it because I'm a lazy piece of... That's a weird thing to just not do just open, shut

I've here's an this is going to be a statement which leads into a question I have learned a a coping mechanism to make me better just around the house and that coping mechanism was taught to me by a tiktok slash instagram slash algorithm meme which was like hey if you have adhd here's a really important bit of life advice never put anything down always put advice. Never put anything down. Always put it away.

Never put anything down. Like if you're a regular person, you can put something down and go off and you'll come back to it. Oh no. But I am someone that will just put something down and be like, I'll do that in two minutes and then never do the next thing.

And that's how I'm trying to get better at that. Here's the question. Do you think I have ADHD? I think I've got it that's fine, everyone's understood I know it's fine is my ADHD worse than yours? in some aspects

in some aspects, what aspects is my ADHD not worse than yours? conversation wise I think I zone out more Oh really? Because you talk all the time I just get bored of waiting for my chance To say something

Remember that Was it the Spongebob clip The film and it's just That's me most of the time Yeah okay It's a very It's a very accurate one I fair i'll take it on board and cry myself to sleep i love you and oh you're going that one your opinion that red pants don't

automatically mean that you want to have sex is wrong confusing and it sets a dangerous precedent right you can wear whatever I know what I'm doing whatever whatever you fucking want to wear in our relationship at any point it's down to you

baby you have your own fucking autonomy that is you you're you've got better style than me you're more fashionable you're more beautiful

than me the way you you can express yourself in clothes in a way that like you know i fumble through like i'll regularly come downstairs fully clothed all the time with the new shoes i've bought and be like does this match this thing and you'll be like kind of but maybe if you were to go upstairs and just put on a less offensive top that would be

like you're really good at all of knowing what like, this is smart. This is casual. This is smart casual. This is it. You know, you have to explain smart casual to me. Yet, you will regularly walk into our bedroom wearing red underwear and be like, this doesn't mean I want to fuck. And I'm like, you are delusional. I'm not saying this about thongs ladies

I know thongs are for comfort right Thongs aren't there for men I get that Lingerie isn't just for men Red fucking panties Is just for I'm horny Did you just say thongs are for comfort Are they not

A piece of underwear that goes up your arse crack Sorry not comfort Love that for me So comfy Sorry you're right Comfort's not what I meant But I meant like VPL

That's the thing right? No VPL You don't want VPL is visible pant line Yeah so you don't want that No VPL There's specific underwear for that Not just thong

So here's where this all comes from When me and Jean were living together and we were sharing a fucking laundry thing one time I was changing Jean's laundry to do put my own stuff in and I know this is alien to you, me doing any laundry but when I was bringing out Jean's stuff

there was a week worth of clothes in there right, just a week's worth of clothes in there, right? Just a week's worth of clothes. And there were seven thongs. And I'm like, what kind of slut is Jean? Because you only wear boxers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And if I was to wear a thong, I'd want to get fucked. Good to know. I just thought you were doing it to clean.

Weird. I'll take it. Fine. Fair point. I'm not going to stop. Good. Good. That's fair news.

Just as long as you accept that when I come on heavy and we have sex afterwards, you did it and it wasn't me. Sure. I love you. You're not happy she has to fuck me i love you but i don't love your chicken laxa i'm sorry it's not as good as cullen's is it it's not as good as cullen's i really like cullen's and he doesn't it's so good he doesn't live here anymore no and you offer it way too often yeah yep

and oh here's the embarrassing thing so I love chicken laksa it's like I think it's fun to make I think it's easy I think it's delicious like

if you've never tried it before I'm not cultured it came from a hello fresh hello fresh thing and it was so fucking good and then literally

two weeks after that I think it was in Australia and Demian Lardner cooked me the best lax heart I've ever had in my fucking life and then when

we were doing Hello Fresh when we were doing Kale and Dewey because we had the great pleasure of having Cullen in the house sometimes we were like

hey man he's we're on him today you're making dinner and C Colin would follow this recipe to the no he got so confident

with it he just went with that and it was delicious it was you like it quite soupy yeah yeah

because it was a little bit thicker yeah it's more of a yeah it's still soupy but not as runny no but it's not as ramony it's more like a fucking but yeah

and Colin slacks it is objectively a thousand times better than mine. Yeah. And it was devastating because I will always, whenever we do our weekly shop, we plan out like the meals we're going to have. Our very limited menu choices. Yeah, because we're both big eaters. We go, let's go through the 12 things we eat and decide the seven we'll do this week.

And I will always mention chicken laxa. And you will always go, I don't want your chicken laxa. But you're like, oh, maybe not this week. Maybe just always mention chicken laksa and you will always go I don't want your chicken laksa but you're like oh maybe not this week maybe just the hamburgers or maybe you know just stew or whatever and then like literally after like four months since our last laksa I bring it up and you're like you know what fair enough it's been enough time

when I tell you I made the worst fucking laksa oh Cara it was a pile of Put it in my mouth I remember Caelan being given Cullen's laxa Oh loved it

Shuffling noodles into his fucking mouth Yeah I think he's just being weird though Remember you couldn't find the pepper I found the pepper No you didn't He did I found it in your car He also found it in the car

I just didn't take it out Because I was like This will be fun for him to find also found it in the car. I just didn't take it out because I was like, this will be fun for him to find later. We got in the car and Matthew just went, why is there a pepper in your car? I was like, I don't know. I was laughing yesterday. I was like, what a fool.

Pepper in the car? I don't even know what you'd call it in the Tesla. I love you. I love you'd call it in the Tesla I love you and it's called a chippy and not a chipper the word chipper already exists and it means

upbeat and not a place that serves chips you are much like when Kai thought that poop meant fart and we realised that only people within his postcode in the whole of the world thought that poop meant fart. They are not the same thing. No.

A fucking chippy is not a fucking chipper, Cara. It is not a fucking chipper. I'll have a chipper supper, please. You fucking will. Right, then you're going to have a happy supper that's going to be served to you with maracas. What's so wrong with that? It's not!

It could be a thing! Isn't it just a nicer way to be? You you with maracas. What's so wrong with that? It's not. It could be a thing. Isn't it just a nicer way to be? You don't get it from a chipper. You can get a chipper from a chippy. I'll accept that. Chipper chips. Oh, wow. I'll have some salt and vinegar on my chipper chips, please.

It's chipper supper. It's disgusting. You've got to back me up on this one. This is abominable. This is abominable. This is abominable. Right? Chipper, chipper, chipper. It's pretty bad.

It's a fucking disgrace. Nobody cares as much as you do. You take a long, hard look at yourself. I fucking promise you, once we delete every... Mail's on a chalkboard, is it? Once we delete every comment that was negative about me from this episode, when we search by top results, it will be people agreeing with me

that you calling it a chipper is Prince Andrew levels of creepy grossness. They're both right. Both can be right. That's the world I like to live in. No, only when you're wrong do you like to live in a world where we're both right. When I'm wrong,

you love to live in a world where I'm wrong. Yes. This is my last one. I love you, but this is clearly just a game to get me to tell you that I love you more than once in a day. Grow up. I'd fucking take once a day.

I know, I've always been a bit generous with myself there. Do you need to hear it all the time? Before we go to the questions I think the really the the only big thing and it's not big

the only thing where you and I aren't the same person is in how we express love I am

I don't think anyone can keep up with how you express love I'm a loving person All the time I love you all the time You don't need to tell me Do you hear this broken family fucking pitch Do you hear

I just know You should just know But you insult me all the time please love me now it all makes sense I live here's the way I just describe to myself I will say

the worst things in the world to you one because you can take it you know it's not real and two because I counterweight that with regularly telling you that I think you're so beautiful that I find you unbelievable. No, you've turned that into a bet now. I don't believe you when you say these things.

I do do it as a bet. Yeah. But it's a very funny bet. For you. Whenever we leave anywhere with more than Three people I will urgently drag Cara to the side of wherever We're going to and be like

I am so sorry I can't imagine how awkward it was For you being the most Beautiful person in that room But you handled it with grace And you handled it with Anywhere we go after the Playhouse show and I'm like

was it the most awkward awkward thing being the most beautiful girl on my show? She's like I was backstage and I left before you were on and I'm like and is that because you were the most beautiful? I like to go as hard as fucking possible

to say the worst things but then also in our moments together when it's just us to tell you very earnestly that I think you're beautiful and I love you dearly

and I like to reply no you don't which is my favourite bit no no this isn't my way of saying that you love me. We have different love languages. Your love language is organising something. It's doing something for me.

It's presence. And physical. You're so much, you know, like, don't get me wrong, this is very much me coming to terms with the fact that we have different love languages. But my frustration arrives from, baby, I'm so good with words. And I'll tell you, bitch, every fucking day, how much I think those tits are dank. Oh, I hate every word that's just come out. Every fucking day. Every day. I tell you, them tits are dank. Oh, I hate every word that's just come out. Err. Err fucking day.

Our day. Ugh. I tell you them titties dank. I tell you... I do wonder why I don't tell you I love you every day. I tell you them titties dank with a straight face. I tell you them titties dank with a long... I hate you.

I'm uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. but you're great my love language is words and I'm just getting used to the fact that you me going for five minutes how perfect I think you are how much I love you

your response is in no way less but I just have your response of Aww Is the same That's all I have to learn What time are we on?

You've done about an hour, more than an hour so you didn't bang out questions You've got 10 minutes of questions? Yeah, I think we need to answer some of them You made a point of asking Let's go A lot of people were asking about

how Bruce is doing I love Bruce Bruce is my new pet bat Who has come For those that don't know We have a wood burner Yeah we've not just bought a bat No

We have a wood burner in our living room Obviously the wood burner Has a chimney set outside This bat found its way into our wood burner We released him The next day he was there we fed him we released him again the next day he was there and we were like i i think he just lives here now and then we found out that the uk has very good and strict laws about bats they are a protected species if they live where you live you do not get to kick them out.

You can offer them outside, but if they come back, congratulations, you've got a new fucking tenant. But there's also no company in the UK. Not entirely true. There are the bat helplines. I phoned the SSPCA. They were very much just like,

put them outside. If he flies away, great. If not, we'll have to come back. So that's what I'm going to have to do because I tried letting him out and his wee wings

were flapping and he just fell to the ground three times but he can crawl I don't know what the injury is his wings look fine there's no holes in his wings

I don't know if he's just exhausted at this point and also very importantly there was a day where we put him out on our closed horse and he flew away we put him out on our closed horse

and he flew away we put him out of blanket we put him on the top and he flew away and it was a beautiful moment where we both hugged and we were like that's him gone

and then we came back downstairs I think he likes the wood burner I do think this is like safe space yeah I do I think he likes the top of it

but I think when he sleeps he falls down no I think he likes the burner because they hang upside down do they all he sleeps in all top of it, but I think when he sleeps, he falls down. No, I think he likes the burner because they hang upside down. Do they all? He sleeps in all sorts of positions. I've been stalking him a little bit.

Yeah. And there were a few people saying, like, why don't we get mesh around, like, the top of the... We could do. We can't. Nobody can reach that. Like, a ladder won't go up that high.

It's impossible. Oh, really? It's in a really awkward place just outside our room yes we'd have to move his calf things he's good we fed him today for example he's had water he's had food we offered him outside he didn't take to it so we took him back into where he was happy um we're phoning the plan tomorrow is to phone the SSPCA again or there is, like I'd phoned

Sasha and Luna's vet but they don't deal with wild animals so we need to find out. And you're like, hi I'm here for a bat scan. Do you mean a cat scan? Yes and no. Ugh! Bruce

is okay. Don't know how the story ends but he's still with us and he's happy I'm happy despite the fact that for four hours of the day he has to live life

in a television set while two giant predators look at him stay in a place yeah this one's for Cara describe Daniel

as a dad in one word oh one word Oh one word Give her three No I can do one I think Brilliant Really? You're a brilliant dad Yeah? Yeah I'm going on for the big sentence now

But yeah you are a very nice dad Oh thank you. You're wonderful Good dad. Thank you You know you're a good dad I know I'm a good dad most of the time sometimes I get the standard anxieties and fears

just because I'm not there as much and now that he's old enough to know that he definitely misses me yeah that's nice though that he misses you there was a point you didn't care yeah he only cared when i saw it

came back but you are the fun one he prefers playing with you but bullying me oh god he does it's so funny just how and i don't know whether it's like a fucking sex thing or just like as in a gender thing i mean by that Like That he's just like Oh Dad is rough And plays He can throw me about And dad's the one That beats me up

And You don't really beat him up Like play beat him up Yeah When you're there I play beat him up Cara I'm going to tell you

Right now on this podcast At least two of the injuries I've told you He got from something Where The bruises Yeah They were They were from some very fun games of hide and seek okay take back that word um the dug and bone asks why can't she stop flirting with my husband when she's got her own

yeah why don't you answer this question canna natalie let's just first address that I'm doing this podcast Without Natalie We'd always said we would do it together And here I am So I guess I'm just letting you down constantly I can't help myself They kissed first Natalie Their first loves

Cara was a mere 17 year old, Kara was a mere 17-year-old and Kai was a mere legal age. Excuse me, I was 19. You were 19. I was 19. I was a woman. I don't fancy Kai and I'm not flirting with him. You heard it here first and through

grisly teeth of a liar. That's all I have to say for her. There's quite a few questions worded differently, but they're all basically, how do you put up with Daniel? I don't. It's real hard. I leave a lot. You leave a lot.

So it's nice. I give you ample opportunity to miss me. And then also while you miss me and then also while you miss me being like you know what I could do this alone he's not bad he's a pussycat you're fine

yeah I feel like oh here's a question let me phrase it a different way how different am I to you how different am I to you how different to am i now in your perception to your perception of me when we first started dating oh um because obviously you know i was i was this big fucking arrogant i'm the great you're still cocky but it's different i don't know how to describe it like you were cocky back then, and it was almost annoying.

Yeah. And you're cocky now, but it's like... Now that you've seen the downtime, when it's just me smoking weed Being like Am I a drug addict? Please love me Honestly this show

All the advertising I'm doing for it Laura asks What's been your best or worst date together? We don't go on dates I fucking hate this bit Worst date is the date that you claim was a date Or wasn't a date It was a fucking date

It was Because of our situation Her family had found out What had gone on And because they had not been given the full information About where our relationship was at Because the last bit of information They had received was what had gone on and because they had not been given the full information about where our relationship was at because the last bit of information they had received was that five years ago I broke up.

There was no relationship. No, there wasn't. We barely spoke. Well, that's a lie. We hadn't seen each other. No, we hadn't seen each other. And you invited me to... You came to the show.

A work in progress show. Uh-huh. I brought you to a work in progress show. Where your parents were Who does that Do you not remember The time My

I introduced you to my mother At the Sweet Thing Funny Party And this was after We'd been banging for about a year Me and Jill genuinely thought That you were joking When you went

And this is my mum and dad We were like Haha And I was like Oh no wait These are his parents Like why is he introducing us To his parents

Yep Yeah yeah This is weird And And then you did it again That night At some The work in progress show We were like, haha I was like, oh no wait, these are his parents Why is he introducing us to his parents? It's weird And then you did it again that night At the Work in Progress show Why are you sitting me next to your parents? My mum took me aside afterwards And this is where I was In my mid-twenties Late twenties

Pekara She went Is there any point in learning this one's name And I went No Why would you learn her fucking name She's gonna be here for a bit We're gonna have the time of her fucking life

I'll break her heart She'll be fucking And then a year later I'm like I begged her to marry me I don't think we've ever had a bad date no no I don't think we have

because we never did like our our entire sort of our relationship we were I do know my best one is it with me yes

oh thank god it was October 2020 I like dates. And like things were kind of open, kind of not. And we went on a bar crawl round. I say Edinburgh, we didn't go that far.

But we went to, we got pizza and the chili dog. And then we went to the whiskey bar. I can't remember what it was. Did all the whiskey tasting. Yes, absolutely. I mean, Gareth and Laura joined us later on but we just spent the day drinking

and it was just nice because Covid yeah yeah it was it was just yeah yeah we were out

because we'd gone from fuck buddies to being in a serious relationship where I was away for 80% of the year

and you were able to join me for like 10% of relationship where I was away for 80% of the year and you were able to join me for like 10% of that yeah to I was then depressed and just wanted a whole bunch of time at home you moved in and then COVID happened and we had every single day with each other and I think there's plenty of people who were in relationships during Covid who will tell you that Covid either made them or broke them and we were very much like well I mean I broke

you always say this you were nowhere near as bad as you think you were no? nah because I always yeah I mean you always say this like I always think like I always think I always not criticise you but

your perception of how you are is very different from my perception of how you are like I see you in a very different way to you see you it's fair to say just in terms of how you look you think you look a certain way I think you look a very different way.

We disagree on that on occasion. Just for clarification, I think she's beautiful and she's a humble slut. Whereas I don't think I'm as good as it the other way. Like I've, all of my self-doubts, you'll be like, well, that's not true. You forget it works both ways. Yeah and I'm like well you're just saying that because you love me even though you don't say it enough

or sing it or do the the the sexy Next question please Sid asks How many cats do you want?

How many does Daniel want? And what have you settled on? I want all of the cats I am so You're a cat converted 100% I would take any cat Not me

I only want cats that can beat the shit out of my son I only want cats That are hard to pick up Because of their fucking size The second you get Maine Coons There is just no going back No there's real I don't know what the word would be

Pride And when a cat likes you. Like, if I can see a random cat on the street, I'll be, psst, psst, psst, come be my friend. That's why taking you to Greece is a nightmare. Oh, don't I get real sad. Yeah, I know you do, don't I? On any holiday

with stray cats. I would, at this point, genuinely take, I would take two Maine Coons every year for the next five years. What are you doing with the two you already got? Keep them. Oh, you're just topping up? Yeah.

Yeah. I'd do that. I'd happily have a house overrun by Maine Coons. But also, my dream is for one day to, even though I love where we live, I would love to, when our children, our two children, the only two children that we're going to have, the two children, the two, we have one now,

we're going to have one more, and then that's it. After those two children, I would like to potentially move somewhere else where we were able to get a bit more rural, where we were able to get a bit of land. You wouldn't be a weirdo that would be like, we've got all these cats, let's build them a house outside

and they can have their own house. No, they'd live with us. Yeah, just making sure. I'm not asleep on the bed. They're not sleeping on the bed. They sleep on the bed when you're not there. They're fucking toe biters. They're not sleeping on the fucking bed.

They sleep on the bed already. Okay, fine. As long as you're fine, I've been woken up at 3am by the sound of the forehead of a cat hitting the ceiling as after it bites my toe, I kick the cunt through the fucking roof. It's me.

Why did I do that? No. I genuinely think I could... There would be a question If If to have another kit My one condition was

I need you to suck Each individual toe Of one of my foot I'm cheating Yeah yeah That's what I thought the answer would be Those big big toes ain't going in my mouth Please don't bring up

Why Big toe Kara they're called big toes Yes but yours is a big big toe Because Kara Big toes both of them Not just one

Not just one large large toe They are medically defined as big toes Yeah but Yours is bigger than the average big Toe Next question please There's two more Right

Give me a second I'll just cut this I've got the last question Because it's good There's two that are kind of the same what's your favourite fringe show of all time or what's your favourite comedy special well you do the comedy special

I'll do the fringe show or have you got a favourite fringe show I can do one of each or do you want to do one of each or do you want to do I'll happily do the special the fuck people are going to disagree with me I'm going to understand they're the special yeah the oh fuck um

people are going to disagree with me I'm going to understand their disagreement but bear in mind that none of them love his comedy anywhere near

the amount that I love and have studied comedy nobody who listens to this podcast or most podcasts study stand up the way I do

um Bo Burnham's What is is close to the greatest special of all time I understand it's not Phil's stand-up I think that's what fucking adds to it if you want the name of the Phil's stand-up special

that's greatest of all time it's going to be Bill Burr's Black and White One but if we're talking for me great stand-up special of all time It's going to be Bill Burr's Black and White One But if we're talking For me Greatest stand up special of all time Bo Burnham What is So Hard to beat

The lyrics of those songs The power Of the Several messages and the clowniness Of the rest of it makes it so incomparable to me good

and also can you just clarify when we first started Shagging the Day Round I absolutely made you watch Bo Burnham's watch yeah and then I enjoyed the songs so much I just started playing the songs and that was anyone that's in a relationship who loves comedy understands even if it's not comedy when you love some form of media whether it's music whether it's theater

whether it's a bit of fucking poetry or a movie or a tv show sharing that with the person you feel like you're falling in love with is a big fucking test because if they you were always testing me you can test out life rates i really was i really was now that i look back at it i'm like first of all who do you think i was that i was like cocky here's all the hurdles you have to get through to get to me like that sort of fucking arrogance but you know what darling you go through them all Oh darling Oh the carrot on the fucking Instagram stories When I was away in fucking GFL a spider in the bar In the sink and I was like

Just put the cat next to the sink And the cat will deal with the spider So carrot then films And you know what we'll put this out with the podcast Because we've got this clip. It's the footage of Luna getting this spider, this giant spider out of the sink. And Cara will be like, oh, she's got it.

It is the funny noise. You're getting it. I'm going to get it. I'm going to get it I'm gonna get it while you tell me your favourite show the French show

it's got to be Abandoned Man I've done it every year I can do it more than once during the month it's just

crowd pleaser every time oh and he's just so fucking talented it's the most impressive

thing I've ever seen I've ever seen. Right, I've got it. So this is... I'll send this to you. This is Cara watching our cat drag a spider out and yelling, And the legs are coming out of her mouth. And then... yelling fuck and the legs are

coming out of her mouth and then suck bleh one more time suck bleh

I don't even know I can make that noise oh right last question final one there's a few people asking

and it's a good way to do some plugs at the end just like three recommendations for fringe shows to see uh i saw a previous podcast guest glenn wool today um i was a fan of glenn before i was a stand-up i remember meeting glenn uh in in in galway when i was like 18 years old and i couldn't believe I was on the bill with him. I saw him live. He instantly became my favourite fucking comic. Then he's never gone down.

And then this year I saw him in like a... He's doing a smaller room because it's not a full show yet. So it's like he's clearly building up the fucking material and stuff but to watch somebody that good in that smaller room was both joyous in the sense that it's like man this is what the fringe is about but also like oh fuck this is why the industry sucks you have that was the best show i've seen on fringe like by a mile like not by a mile, that's unfair, but just in the sense of,

in the terms of comedy that I'm into, the lines, the way he was able to engage with the fucking audience, the, I was just, I was fucking blown away. And also, Glenwell walked on stage to a really good room,

but not a full room. And because of the lighting in his room he was instantly able to see me mark nelson his manager his manager's wife and frankie boyle right and i'm like if i were to walk out on stage to frankie boyle and mark nelson and brett vincent i would probably pull that show if i could see them or I would just immediately move to the back Glenn Wool the questions he asked of the audience members were to me

Frankie and fucking Brett and I'm like and he made gold out of it all and I'm like that's a level of confidence and skill to be on the circuit it's just unmatched like me and Colin spent five minutes

dissecting all of the jokes afterwards I fucking loved it also I still cannot express how good a Rouge Ashvac show was I loved it so very much and I'm going to say for the last one just for the fucking theatre's sake

because I did love it mythos ragnarok was if i have to put that in because otherwise the answer would be gareth walsh show but because i've done two comedies i'm gonna have to fucking stick in the theater one it'll be mythos ragnarok um minor ones that i've done before i haven't done yet and I will do this month, Masayuki great night out can you just give a brief explanation of what it is? Mas Karaoke and by that

it's a live band playing very good songs and the words are on projectors at the back, I think it's in Spiegeltent you've got to really be in the back. I think it's in Spiegeltent. Yeah. You've got to really be in the mood for it,

but it's a good time. You would not enjoy it. Not for you at all. Unless there was a seat at the side to watch everyone else doing it. Well, yeah, it's where we did Baby Disco. Oh, if I had a seat at the side, I would never leave the table

but I could watch other people do mass karaoke and have fun another one The Magnets oh yeah they're great they're only doing specific I think it's like a one week run you know they introduced me onto the stage once they're great

my third ever Fringe show I was at the Spiegel 10 in the same the gardens and they were the show before me and I got to know them all because I loved them because I I'd seen their show

they were such a good acapella group they're brilliant and the last day it was the my show The Joker which was that song

by me the fucking artist called The Joker it was the number one the year I was born the month I was born I'm a smoker i'm a joker i'm a real life talk at that one they introduced me they all came on stage before me and did that in acapella to bring me on and it was devastatingly the best

bit of the show by a mile oh they are fab i'll be going to see them That's two music ones I really like the music ones Yeah you do And I'd always recommend a circus one Whether it's like La Clique I've done that a few times Sophie's Surprise 29 There's a few circusy ones that I'd want to go back And see

So any circus one It's always They're brilliant and I think they all kind of do more than one show because the people that have done the clique I've seen on other circus shows

they swap around it's almost cabaret-esque yeah they do other it's almost like comedy you go and do other spots other shows and things

it's like fucking Ruben K's K-Hole it's yeah I'd recommend them they're always good okay well first off before I finally thank you for doing something as K-Ho. Yeah, I'd recommend them. They're always good. Okay, well, first off, before I finally say anything, thank you

for doing something I know you're not hugely comfortable with. Like this. Yeah, but I mean, I joined you in the fucking jammies to make sure. Yeah, but you're always on camera. And I always look terrible when I'm on camera. You don't care. I don't care. I'm tired

and hungover and with scrapes of last night's makeup Topped up with some fresh makeup It's just scaffy Well I think you look beautiful And I think you've done a very good job And I'm very grateful that you came on here And let me talk for the first 45 minutes And enjoyed it in the end

I'm sorry to just replicate Our relationship live on camera Now everyone knows what our life is like And now If you want to look down the camera and trash talk Natalie into fucking doing the podcast I will never bully her into this No

I do it with her Maybe we should do that We can do one We very nearly did it Do it with her. Okay. Maybe we should do that. Yeah, we can do one. We can do, you know. We very nearly did it when we were in Manchester. And we were going to do the I love you, but then me and Natalie chickened out. Because you got too drunk. No, we got so drunk that we didn't have to do it

Not that we were like Oh we're too nervous Yes but that's the same No we It said we were going to do it because we were drunk We were feeling confident And then when we came out of that We were like no no no

I got that entire story backwards We were going to do it because we were drunk And we were like yeah we could do that. That's so cool. And then the next day, no, thank you. Understood. Not for us. Well, thank you for getting me on to it.

She texted me saying good luck. It felt like a threat. Good luck. She also sends that to you whenever you and Kai are just hanging out. Yeah. Good luck getting away with this, you fucking slut. What shows are you doing? are just hanging out. Yep. Good luck getting away with this, you fucking slut. What shows are you doing?

During the Fringe. What can we plug? Where can we see you? Remember that time I actually told people at the So You Think You're Funny party that me and Jill had a show at the Fringe. And I was like, I can't actually get you any tickets because we've fully sold out. It's so sad for you. It's a two woman show

Jada Called the Pussy Dialogues No way God I was so drunk then It's where we just Queef into each other's vagina I wonder if anyone ever Actually followed up

Checking out this show That I plugged really hard It didn't exist I imagine a lot of Horny bald 40 year old men did There was a lot of women We were telling about it

Yeah Don't know why Don't know where this is When I'm drunk weird things happen well thank you so much for coming on I'm very grateful

I need to go pay for parking love my car's been sat for a long time I might have a ticket you