Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.44: Twatatouille

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

Back by extremely popular demand Reuben Kaye returns to the podcast, discussing Britney Spears, socialism, smear tests and fish pedicures. Not in that order.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia! Where have you been since 9-11? I fucking love a mullet.

You do? I love a mullet. It's a fuck handle. An earnest mullet. It's something to steer with. It's something to steer with. I want reins on the horse. I'm not just going to let a Clydesdale just go to town without steering.

You wouldn't get into a car without steering. I'm not going to get into a chav without having a wheel. So do you care whether it's earnest or ironic? There is no difference between the ironic use of a mullet and the earnest use of a mullet. It's the same as racism in comedy. All right, okay, so we are racist then. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we've just been exposed. Yeah, yeah. I'm not even gay. I just have the ironic representation of homosexuality and queerness for those ticket sales baby and the death next to this way let's hear that yeah where did you go hit your stag party not even so august to friday one of my best friends my best bitch at my wedding, is a girl called Jean. She, when she lived with me at our old place back in the 2010s, she hated living with boys all the time

and a lot of her friends were boys. So for her birthday, me and five of her best boyfriends did her a nude calendar. That's fantastic. So for the listeners now, what Ruben is looking at is one of the pages

of the live calendar that has been turned into an oil painting on canvas by Jean's mum Jean's late mother painted this because she loved the photo

so much that's very beautiful she did several attempts at it there's another one where's my Daniel Sloss nude calendar Daniel Sloss and

Clive Humphrey's nude calendar or can I be part of one you know absolutely oh god we should do a Sloss and Humphreyys nude calendar or can I be part of one you know absolutely oh god we should do and we should do a Slauson Humphreys nude calendar that

would be a very with guests with guests I would pose you should do it we've been building up for this forever while we're here

oh god Troy Troy's up as well Troy Hawke no Troy films all my specials he's an amazing photographer also Milo would do it Troy Hawke would

do it yeah yeah he's got a rig on him as well too oh god well you've noticed Milo have you have you got what's happened here

that was their was this stop oil that was in they've come for even this stop oil stop oil paintings they wanted

your face was sheer disappointment well because I I had another joke lined up and I'm like I don't want to fucking follow Your face just then was sheer disappointment. Well, because I had another joke lined up, and I'm like, I don't want to fucking follow that. Just stop oil from a man who's in the please check my oil position. Oh, yeah, very good. Nice, I like that.

We all look for a dipstick. I always think, and he is one. See, there's a tag. Look at that. The tags just keep coming. I always look at stop oil. You know how they always attack art? Prices art. And here's the thing. If you want to make an impact on the world for a statement, the tags just keep coming I always look at Stop Oil you know how they always attack art priceless art and sport

if you want to make an impact on the world for a statement the world does the world absolutely demonstrably does not care about art we don't care about art

we don't care about paintings we don't care about priceless sculptures we don't give a shit about that if you want to make an impact to the general public

attack sport start ruining sports no get off sports they've been doing that and it's doing me it's doing my head in because there's a position where i'm like you're probably right but i hate you yeah yeah you're getting you're actually turning the choir instead of preaching to them it's it's like the people who and go be wrong i agree with a lot of the stop all thing. Like we're in a fucking climate emergency and it's all fucking awful. Absolutely.

And Rishi Sunak is approving a hundred new gas and oil projects in the North Sea. Yeah. And it all seems to be just getting worse. If you want to turn every single person against your fucking message, and this is where I believe

in the conspiracy theory that just stop oil is actually funded by the oil lobbies. It's doing is actually funded by the oil lobbies. It's doing a better job for the oil lobbies. Because if you want to piss off every single member of the fucking public, stand on the road in front of them while they're trying to get to the work or the cinema or shops. People that are where they don't want to be for minimum wage. I think it's like there's not a single person on earth that doesn't kind of get it on some level, except for sort of people who work in the oil industry. I just think we all know,

and it's actually about getting the people in government to stop taking the money, to stop okaying the projects. And you're not going to do that because politicians love money and they want to grab everything while they still can for themselves because they know the clock's running out there were protesters while Rishi Sunak was out in California

with his family having a little holiday which fine fair enough if you're a politician you need a fucking break I hate you as a person

I despise your fucking wife but your kids are innocent I've got plenty of things to get mad at not your holiday yeah yeah yeah some stop oil protesters put some black

fucking sheets over Rishi Sunak's house. And I'm like, that, that every time. That every fucking time. Do it to the fucking politicians. Do it. You inconvenience them. 100%.

Not the people who are kind of, oh, what's the phrase? Who are the bystanders who have to deal with their own unethical consumption. Yeah. Because they're in a system. It's a thing like systems, not people, all this stuff. And when you attack that, when you make an example of the politicians, you ridicule them, then the public gets more on your side than if they're inconvenienced. Which is a shame.

Yeah, it's a shame that that's how it works because, you know, it should just be, we all agree that it's awful and we should all fucking step down. But you've just got people who, because of, we've gone through a fucking pandemic, we're going through the fucking ninth recession in seven fucking years, like unemployment's through the fucking roof. It's a real, the NHS is dying. It's real fucking brutal.

But a lot of people are just tuning out because they don't want misery every fucking day. I will say this. What you're doing is you're not making a point. You're just making them more angry. This is very true. I will say this about rising unemployment rates. It has done wonders for amateur porn it has like only fans in amateur porn people are getting real

imaginative yeah it's fantastic and people with no money are finding money they're right exactly and also people are caring less i was watching the other day and a cat just walked into frame and out and they knew they would have had the chance to edit that or do a retake, and they're like, no, put it in. Now I'm worried about that neural pathway that's been set. I walked past your cats and had an erection. Although one of them did wink at me. A new enough pussy. A new enough pussy.

Every so often. Yeah. It's not the base of my food pyramid. A dabble. A dabble. A dabble. Oh, good. No, but it's not...

More for diversity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just for the sponsors. I will say this. It's always going to be like your toddler eating broccoli, though. It's going to look

like I've eaten it, but I've just moved it around my plate a bit. Rupin. No, it's not about grossing out or anything. One more lick. Rupin,

you're not allowed to leave the bedroom until you do one more... How old are you? Right, okay, you're 30. You need not allowed to leave the bedroom until you do one more. How old are you? Right. Okay. You're 30. I need 30 more licks.

And then you can have dessert. Then you can lick her arsehole. If anything, it's the best way. It's the best way to get me to learn my ABCs. If anything, it's a literacy program. I'm going to say this, though. When I first started, I remember thinking I was doing like a really good job. And I reckon everyone when they're down, their men, especially think that they're doing like a really good job and i reckon everyone when they're

down their men especially think that they're doing like a really good job and then i just felt that that little hint that betrayal of the two fingers sliding down my forehead trying to like nudge me into the right position and at one point you just lost all fucking care and patience grabbed me by my hair and steered me into the right position and I realised I was in and now this is why this is why I like going down on trans men because the dicks are so much easier to find so much more present can I just get your temperature on this, talking about every man thinks he's good at eating pussy. When I was newly single at the age of 21, I read two books on how to eat pussy. I remember you did this.

I did research. I did. One was called She Comes First. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. And the other one was... You were licking your finger at the end of the book, and I was like, did you learn that in the book?

Why have you spat on your Kindle? He sat there reading and he's like... Is there like a little map there as well that had like a little touch sensitive moment where you could... It was like,

it was a Kindle vaginal version of Operation. Yeah, yeah. Every time I licked the wrong bit, it would delete one of my fantasy novels. That's motivation. Yeah. I also just...

You had such a fucking hilarious go at me and such a visceral disgusted reaction to something I said to you in GFL and I want to do the same thing because he does the exact same thing. Guy, do me a favour. How would you describe these? What are these?

Trousers. Pants. Like linens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you had a nickname for them that we came up with? Oh, they're champagne slacks. Get out. Leave.

Leave. Absolutely. That's an appropriation of queer culture and it's a bastardization of everything i hold near and dear why don't we not make up champagne slacks i said that he was that is the most straight thing i have ever heard and it's a reason why you should be rounded up kept in cages with shot collars on this is my it's not even your approach to women it's those two words champagneacks. It sounds like the worst yacht rock band. It sounds like it was made

by men who were the reason women go to the bathroom in groups. This is the reason we cover our drinks in bars. It's like a madness cover band that's still trying to think of a play on buggy troves. It's an excuse for you not to go to a tailor. Anything that encourages the word slack in tailoring as opposed

to biology, I'm out. I'm out. But it's like, you know, because you can just get normal linens from Primark and stuff and they're just stuff that you wear around the house. Can you? Can you? Can you? Get linens from Primark?

Why don't you ask the person most likely to shop in Primark, guys? I assume. I meant me, but Matthew, everyone imported you. Get linens from Primark. Why don't you ask the person most likely to shop in Primark, guys? I meant me, but Matthew, everyone thought of you. Everyone thought of you, Matthew. Do you remember in Zara when they started to write a please help me? They had started to sew please help me. I'm getting paid this much in my slave workshop.

That's the level of clothes. That's the problem with fast fashion like that was so such an amazing that's a moment of protest where we went oh fuck this is real and then the world's went oh yeah but it's still going to sale yeah we're still going to say also primark then phoenix stopped them doing that so i've forgotten that that travesty existed because that's everyone's forgot forgotten. Also, the viciousness of the news cycle these days is so quick that a new trauma, a new disaster, a new thing happens so that these horrible things, they don't even get the chance to accumulate in your consciousness because you're still doing control-alt-delete.

You're still... What's that thing where... Send to back. If you don't use it on your... Ray-click. Ray-click, send to back. Is that a sports reference? No, it's a Photoshop reference.

Send it back. Send to back. I also thought you said send to back. Send to back. That's why I said to back. I got that. Ray click. Ray click.

Or when you don't use an app on your phone for too long and suddenly you have to re-download it. I think that's what happens with our consciousness, with every new fucking thing. Instead of having... Because we we can't hold our lives our lives our kids if you have them why would you uh if uh and and the news cycle and how to function so we all just become a bit and and there's so much to care about that you stop caring about much because like for instance if you find out that there's a suicide nets on the apple building and you're like oh my god that's horrific and then get your iphone google that

news story and go oh my god it's true and then it's also tied into their i think it's tied into their crash so the kids have like a little bouncy castle as well yeah they just have to bounce over the corpse so it just gives them it just gives them a tiny little bit of zest for life so they can get back up there and start working but, surely that suicide attempt was super fun and has given you such an endorphin rush that you've remembered how fun it is to sew. Apparently the Tories, I read this the other day, are trying to reclassify suicide as emigration for better optics. At the moment. He emigrated to hell because suicide is a sin. It's very difficult for the boats

to get across the channel if they're already trying to navigate through a sea of bodies it's very difficult just putting pennies on the eyes of the refugees the Tories aren't going to waste pennies barely even fucking chocolate coins eventually at one point they're going to set up a Takeshi's

type castle game show which is they're going to set up a Takeshi's type castle game show which is you're allowed to live in Britain if without any help you can run from France to England on the backs of the corpses without falling into the water the greatest version of American Ninja Warrior that's our new immigration policy Rishi Sunak is wanking himself silly to this podcast he's like and I did I did I was very kind to Rishi Sunak is wanking himself silly to this podcast. He's like... Big listener, by the way. And I was very kind to Rishi with this gesture. Please, Suella Braveman has got fizzy knickers.

Just listen to this. It's like the top of a head of Guinness. I just can't get over how we had Priti Patel, who is sort of Satan in a a pencil skirt yes and we thought oh we'll top it yeah we'll top it and we'll do like a photocopy of her that's running out of ink we'll do the dobby the house elf version of suella braverman who's somehow more of a cunt i remember for fucking less 10 years like maybe even more like like, looking over America and, like, the Republicans and then seeing the rise of Candace Owens

and all these ones where you see these black... Who is a fucking trial mix nutbag of a woman? And it's a black Republican, and you're like, oh, I just can't fathom... Hodge twins. It's like what I say about, you know, Scottish Tories are black Republicans. Or gay conservatives.

Those. I never thought... For so so many years i kept being like fucking that's how poor like the education system is america that you get black republicans you get these people that just you know and that's probably ignorant there's probably plenty of black republicans that support it for like economic policies and whatnot but just in my ignorant fucking mind i'm like we'll never get that over here. Then we got Rishi Sunak as head. And Priti Patel who are like,

you just need eyes to know that they're third or fourth generation immigrants and they're pulling the ladder up from underneath them.

Absolutely. I always think of it as someone who has so much privilege that they've forgotten what it's like to be hunted. Because queer people,

when you see a queer conservative, you go, oh yeah, oh yeah, you have drunk too much Kool-Aid, babe. And they're following this thing because it works for them, not for us.

And they're just putting it out of their mind or they're not thinking about the day that their own party is going to eventually come for them. Caitlyn Jenner. Absolutely. Caitlyn fucking Jenner is a Republican who plays fucking golf with Trump. And you're like... And they are legislating against trans people and Caitlyn Jenner is towing that line. And they don't...

Look, as a Jew, we're always told the stories of they came for the socialists, I didn't speak up for that. And you are always bred of your privilege in society is conditional on the power structure of the time, right? Technically, my whiteness is conditional on the power structure of the time, right? Technically, my whiteness is conditional on the power structure of the time because for the right people to come into power, I'm no longer a very privileged member of society. I'm out.

Yeah. But these people just forget that. They think they're untouchable. They don't realise it's fragile, what they're sitting on. The little pyramid of privilege that they're sat on is built with here because you i tell you what if the republicans get every bit of power that they're trying to caitlin jenna will be out she'll be in a fucking camp an internment camp somewhere caged with no rights or she will get fucking hate crimed on any fucking street in america and absolutely nothing will happen.

She'll just be beaten within a fucking inch of her life, or maybe to death, and all the Republicans will be like, well, at least there's no more trans people in the Republicans' party. We've done a little fucking clear out here. We're not going to put her on the note or anything. So do Republicans see her being a Republican as a good thing, like a hall pass? Like, look, we are inclusive.

Or do they see it as flying the ointment? In the same way that these are the same fucking Republicans that have been like, you know, it was the Democrats that actually wanted slavery, and it was the Republicans who released them. You're like, yeah, that is true. But also in the 150 years since then, those parties have swapped sides.

And they're now different. You've chosen to ignore 150 years of fucking history. Based on the colour of the tie they're wearing. In order to go... It's a very comedian way to justify it, right? And therefore it has no... And they say there's no right-wing comedy. Oh, there is.

How much right-wing comedy is there in Australia? They tend to move to the States pretty quick. Yeah. Because I could... because the UK is very left-leaning, Australian comedy is very left-leaning I would say Indian comedy is hugely left-leaning. Some Eastern European, I'd say it's more

middle, but you will see the people that grew up on like fucking Joe Rogan trying that edgy stuff but then you've also got... They'll be left-leaning but still right of centre. Yeah, yeah. But I think they're left from everybody else. I guess more right of centre. Yeah, yeah. But left-leaning left from everybody else. You've got those people who are, I guess, more right of centre who want to play both sides of the... They say, oh, I'm centrist. I'm centrist.

But what it really means is they're just taking potshots at the left and calling them pussies, which feels a bit Trumpy and it feels a bit right-wing. But I mean Elliot Steele. Cut that. So, like, Elliot Steele. It's just another reason for them to be like, I'm just going to put my big boots on and I'm going to take pot shots at the lip

because they're fucking pussies and I want to say the word faggot. Yeah. So I want to say the word tranny. Yes. That's what I mean. And this is from someone who incorrectly regularly says faggot in the company where he's given the promotion. Yeah, but that's mainly because that's your safe word.

That's when you're like, the dick is too deep in me. Faggot! Faggot! Faggot! Faggot! And to be fair, some of the biggest queer comedians in the world have not given you licence, but they've told you to say it. They've had the paddle in their hands and been like, fucking say it.

You know what you should do, though? When you do this with Daniel, it reminds me of when people get children to swear. Yeah, yeah. And there's a little four-year-old going, fuck. It's funny, but you know they shouldn't be doing it. Don't do it in school. Don't do it outside of this one.

Well, that's how I had to change kindergartens Yeah I got chucked out of kindergarten My first kindergarten Because at three years old Mum was having a cocktail party And she said Oh this will be funny right

So she told me a joke And then stood me up on the table And made me recite the joke And the joke was Why did they call it a smear test? If they called it a cunt scrape No one would go Now admittedly Not an amazing joke not a bad

one but in the arms of a three-year-old magic and it killed and i remember it killing and then the next day i'm a comedian and now i'm a comedian the math is there and the next day mom just got a phone call being like um we show and tell today with Ruben was interesting because of course what happened was the kids didn't get it, but they saw all of the teachers fall to the ground laughing. And then the kids just started saying cunt scrape. So they had this little army of three-year-olds being like cunt scrape, cunt scrape, cunt scrape. And they're like, we're fucked.

The parents are going to kill us. So you raised the awareness of a smear test to the consciousness of these three-year-olds who are going to grow up and get tested for cervical cancer. And HPV. Yeah. Don't you? Yeah, you did a good thing. I'm a community service.

Yeah. I, just to go back to like the... I think we should be swabbing more toddlers for sexually transmitted diseases. We'll do a paper special. With... So much of this is unusable oh you'd be surprised what these cunts listen to you'd be there's we have lowered their standards so much over the past almost decades yeah i think the title of this podcast is for the advanced access the title of this podcast is conscript great perfect yeah yeah um. I completely and utterly agree with, especially in America,

for some reason, American comedy is so much more right-leaning unless you're in West Coast. Oh, I guess not all of it. It's such a big country, it would have been impossible to generalise it. But your Joe Rogans, your Chappelle's and the people that go on those sort of podcasts,

those are all fucking right-leaning comedians and stuff and they'll make fun of the left and I'm like absolutely right that's where you are

you're allowed to make fun of the left in the same way that I'm on the left I'm allowed to make fun of the right what you're doing is not impressive

right to go on stage in front of a bunch of right wing people and say a bunch of things to the right wing people is not impressive it's the comedic equivalent

of splits for claps yeah you see a dancer just going into the splits and he goes woo that's a basic skill and I've said this on the exact same opposite fucking side fucking lefties that go on

stage let's blur this name out going on stage and saying fucking uh you know uh uh immigration is necessary racism is bad trans people are people too. We need to protect LGBT children. Absolutely. I agree with all those things. Saying that at the Edinburgh Comedy Festival, it's not like... When's the Edinburgh Comedy Festival? Are we not at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival?

Is that what you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think you need to reframe what festival you think you're at. This is a festival that is multidisciplinary. Not everything has to be funny. And if it's not funny, it, yeah. Yeah, I think you need to reframe what festival you think you're at. This is a festival that is multidisciplinary. Not everything has to be funny. And if it's not funny, it's art. You're pissed off a theatre boy.

Claws are out, bitch. I go, my comedy is always going after the right, but I make sure that- But I agree. I agree with you on this. I agree that you need to be able to say what you're saying in a way where the message is almost secondary to the art with which you say it. Yeah. And I agree. But also part of me goes, we're at a moment in society where that message, A, it's wonderful for it to be reinforced with an audience.

And B, if that person is successful enough and they're getting on mainstream tv and they say it oh actually here's i'm changing my mind halfway through if they're saying it in a mainstream form with not enough art does it do its job by converting people or is it just made oh for fuck's sake another lefty inflammatory just stop oil that's what i am are they the comedic equivalent of just stop oil Where people just roll their eyes That's often my fear of it Like I know I could go And don't get me wrong I've you know

I've done progressive shows I did a show about You know men being held accountable For all of our responsibility In sexual assault And that was you know And to be fair That wasn't a message

To either the left or the right What was it a message to? Just to Men who are tearing their head Like blind wasn't a message to either the left or the right what was it a message to um just to well to be to men who are tearing their head like a blade and maybe even if it's an unconscious blade out of the red flags of your friends yes some things aren't partisan some things are just societal yeah like the basic statement i just said just then so anodyne our experience was there was this guy who had been friends with us for years and we trusted him he's one of my really fucking good friends and we found out after all this that he was rapist like and anyway it was unequivocal it was undeniable we eventually got him to fuck one

one incident showed him up in a few more like stories followed it was like fucking unplugging a weed and there's fucking so much underneath it and if we're being really brutally honest with ourselves were were there signs and did we choose to like ignore them or sort of not ignore them

but sort of brush them off as like oh you know that's what he's like and he would never take it further because we never saw him take it further because it would only be

batting in front of us and we took it as that and then to find out that what we'd accidentally been doing is sort of allowing him to heading in a bedding yeah even my own wife said And then to find out that what we'd accidentally been doing is sort of allowing him to... Hating and abetting.

Yeah. Even my own wife said, like, she would never leave him with her friends. Yes. Because I was just like, oh, he's always flirting and he had success with women. So you look at that, like, if he was getting zero success, you would look at him and just go, he's a fucking...

But that's not how... He's a creep. I'm entitled to women's space. I'm entitled to women's body. I have success with women. I take that further. Yeah. Yeah, I get that.

And also we discount women's experiences. We discount women saying, oh, by the way, here's the thing. We go, yeah, you're just overreacting. You're hysterical. Your womb is making you emotional. Yes, I. Yeah, you're thinking with your ovaries. Yeah.

So my thing was like the crushing realization for us that we hadn't done enough. And, you know, we'd done less than enough. It was the glass shuttler and you were just seeing that it was there, wasn't it? I think that, but that's a non-party. It is fucking roasting in here. Yeah, yeah. It sounds like a room you definitely are doing compression sessions in because you haven't got any ventilation,

which for a Jew is culturally triggering. We actually do have ventilation. We just can't have it on Jew in the podcast because it would be too loud. It just hums too loud. It's like you've got an iron lung in the room somewhere. Cara's doing very well. We'd rather have sweaty guests than poor audio. I understand.

I get it. This is working a treat, though. Good, good. And something you absolutely want to fan yourself with. I'm having a great time. This might be my new merch. If you don't do the new calendar i will oh man speaking of your merch there was one bit in jfl you've got your big

beautiful fan yeah uh that you because it was important on jfl and and and you're like you with that fan is like those little nerds that got really good at those switchblades. Like the butterfly knife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like you, like, ba-ba, ba-ba. And I would look at this, and it's your big, gorgeous face, big, giant grin on your face, and just my dumbass fucking brain is here,

and I'm like, it's just Ruben holding the microphone. Just Ruben holding the microphone, that makes fucking sense. And it wasn't until, like, fucking day two, I think you said it to Darcy Michael, because he went, je that's amazing whose cock is that and i went what and he went the cock on the fan the fish is ripping with just a cock on his hand like a huge huge turgid cock like erect cock in my hand with drips of pre come on it's a real photo and then the huge text over the top says child of divorce um and actually if you come to the k-hole on the final weekend you'll see that cock in action he's one of the guests on the k-hole his name's elliot steel elliot steel his

name is elliot steel uh, you'll see that. It's a great bit of merch and no one ever sees it until after the fact. Yeah. Oh, I couldn't believe how subliminal it was. It's a magic eye, if anything. You need to shake your head and go cross-eyed and then it comes at you. A magic racial slur eye. You know, the... What?

What's the hole in the dick hole? Oh. You fucking... Urethra. Is that... Urethra. It's called a urethra, you children. Or sometimes, all you can eat soft serve.

As in Urethra Franklin? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our Lady of Hole. The First Lady of Hole. Yeah. That was my drag name until it became vaseline dion that's talk about getting something stiff oh oh bugger it's ruining this i didn't know you under a flight path gross i'm leaving yeah um no i wanted to but now i think i'm gonna move beyond

gender for drag and now my new stage name i want to be a grinder name that I saw here in Edinburgh three nights ago, which killed me. It was just Plugs Bunny. Do you ever know those moments where as a comedian, you look at something a member of the general public has done and gone, that is objectively funnier than anything I have poured my heart and soul into writing and crafting because sometimes that lightning strike of inspiration just goes it's hard to trust the public though because that member of public media just getting it from a sitcom that you don't watch yourself it could be like the office how about this my brother is one of the funniest people i know right but he's also like definitely on the spectrum but undiagnosed but he shits me so he probably is and he and i love sitcoms have grew up on golden girls the nanny frasier all of those and he continually suggests alts and continually like throws jokes at me and half of them are hilarious

but i can't use them because i'm not sure whether he's lifted a line yeah from something being an original yeah or being original because he's just got that mind that jumbles everything i think that a lot of joke theft from open make comedians is just from taking their mates jokes as original thoughts yeah or fucking things that are working to be set because you're just clutching for material because you're new funny things that they saw on fucking red and use for themselves yeah my My favourite drag name is, I'm from a place in Scotland just across the bridge called Fife.

Yep. And the way Fife people say, well, even a lot of Scottish people, the way they say from is Fae. So Craig's drag name is Fae Fife. That's so dumb. That's so dumb. I did a gig,

Craig and I did the fourth on the fringe with the Playhouse, which is a great gig. When else do you get a chance? When else do I, sorry, get a chance to play a 3,000-seater auditorium? You fuck. And then Craig went on after me and, of course, he killed. He killed, crushed it. But could I understand a single word that Craig said

in that beautiful sound system? Could I fuck? I saw a clip of, I don't know where this comedian was from, but it was not from the UK, America or Australia. She was playing like, I think fucking bannermans in Edinburgh. Somebody tagged me, she played me this French. And it's this girl being like so I'm from

whichever part of Europe I'm from I went to see Daniel Sloss tonight he's not as good without the subtitles

it's very good which is such a good and fucking because man when I'm on stage at home especially during the fringe I fucking forget

that of course there's international guests let the safety catch up and I drink more whiskey than I normally would I'm fat

talking faster than I normally would because it's not I don't have to elocute as much as I would have to do in Lithuania

and then I'm just like oh I've got Indian fans all over the world there's probably like fucking 50 of them being like what motherfucker

that's what was nice about and then they realise the show is 90 minutes of you slurring your way through your set and they're like oh for god's sake

both were swear words and racial slurs actually my I believe my new pronoun is she slur that's that's where I go we had a

sign language at one of the playhouse gigs so I even made a joke I was like I don't know how she's going to do the accent.

She's going to have to break her fingers. That's fucking great. And it was nice because it made you so that you could be understood. Yeah. Like instead of just being myself, I was like being me in Estonia. Yeah.

Or wherever. So I'm going to ask you a question. We're going to ask you this off camera and you said you'd be fine with answering it on camera. Don't frame it like that that makes me sound like the monster it makes you sound like you're doing due diligence

and I'm the arsehole Ruben said I want this on record to be fair I want none of this on record and I'm being coerced because if they don't they won't do this to me they won't do this to me there's this thing that's been going on and like i i feel like a lot of people especially me are very scared to have like an opinion on it because it's absolutely not my place to have an opinion

on it but this is a podcast and that's where people who shouldn't have opinions get to have opinions yes absolutely how do you feel about the free britney movement now that she is free and we've seen what she's like i think look i am obviously what has happened if you have either too many boundaries or none at all. Right? And both are very bad. And she's someone who's had an arrested development at childhood. So, in effect, we have given a toddler unimaginable wealth and access. And we're seeing what that does.

We're seeing what happens if someone with a lot of trauma doesn't, she didn't get the help she needed. Nope. And now she's not getting any help at all. But she has millions of dollars and a boyfriend who is made of abs, pecs, a face and dick. And quite quite frankly i would go through any amount of trauma if it meant i got to be jackhammered by the latin hercules like if it meant that my family had to hate me and i had to be filled with drug addiction anxiety social pressure suicide ideation if it

meant that i got to be filled like a profiterole daily by that man everybody's worried about and ruben's just going but have you seen our fella but have you seen this man like give me millions of dollars and a fuck sling and baby baby's day out oh because like i mean you've nailed on the head there like she like so many she was a child star that stunts your growth yeah to a to an immense degree we like there's terms with no there's a call yeah we all put on the shortest leash ever for the longest time yeah we all know that macaulay culkin peaked at the end of my girl yeah right yeah when he died from bastings yeah yeah we should have just went right that's when

he died guys it's when he died and and obviously, I don't think she should have been in the conservatorship. I can't imagine what a prison that fucking felt like. You can't be in prison, but you also can't be totally free. I just think that's true of everyone. Yeah. And especially when you're in a level of fame, even as a functioning adult, I mean, you still need therapy. You still need guidance.

I mean, look at all three of us in varying degrees of fame. I mean, obviously not in order, but we all need a little bit of help, guidance, perspective. Yes. And she's not going to get that now. No, because after all these years over, I imagine feeling so oppressed in a conservatorsatorship even if she does have people around her who are looking after her best interest how is she going to trust that anyone has her best interest because for 20 plus years she was told in this prison that it was all in her best interest but i just like we all agree that children should not have social media because it does untold damage to their fucking brains and

it's hard to fucking process and also children shouldn't become famous because it's the same sort of thing to then give this person with arrested development access to 40 50 million instagram followers who adore her rightfully so because of all of her fucking talent who've actually been influenced by her but also like there's a huge confusion in social media for even everyday people between the difference between who are my friends and people who I listen to and who are my followers. And if I have followers, does that mean that I am a leader? Like no.

No, no, no, no, no. You are not a leader. You are not a leader. The terminology of followers is really fucking insidious and very specific. Just call them disciples. Disciples. How many disciples have you got on your list? They're all synonyms for this.

And the relationship is skewed. The power balance is skewed. And that's where you get, if we move away from Britney, we move to just basic people on the internet being like, I have a voice and it deserves to be heard. Does it, Karen? No. Should we be doing our own research on vaccines?

No. I mean, I have own research on vaccines? No. I mean, I have interesting feelings about vaccines because I took my last Pfizer shot in the forehead purely out of habit, right? I don't want to say my plastic surgeon is busy, but she's got a forklift license, right? But this is like, it's a dangerous moment for people and Britney's a real flag for that i think because i think britney's

an interesting thing because one you can she can be pillory she can be made fun of but while people are making fun of her they're really cognizant of the emotional cost and they have a lot of empathy and sympathy for it as well i just didn't think after like growing up and watching Britney when I was a kid, I didn't think there would ever be a future where I felt guilty wanking over her nipples. Because nobody stops her posting things. I've seen Britney's nipples. I've seen her butthole. I've seen her vagina.

Because they get taken eventually. But she's, man, she's all... Where have you seen Britney's butthole? On Instagram. We can't see the butthole edit of Cats, but we can see Britney's butthole? Yeah, man, she does dancing a lot of the time. A lot of her videos are dancing because that's her, like, expressing herself. And she loves dancing, of course.

But she does it in, like, very, like, revealing clothes. And sometimes, and she posts, like, nudes all the time with things over her nipples. I'm confused because it's everything I've ever wanted. But this is where context is important. Yes, we all want to have these sexual fantasies, but if they're not in the correct way, if they're not in that way, then suddenly you go, okay, okay.

Then we all have a good understanding of context, consent, all those kinds of things. Informed consent. Also, like a dim cap defence. What's a dim cap defence? Diminished capacity. It's where you go, oh, well, they have a diminished capacity to have cognisance of the situation.

Would that be drunk? Or she was drunk enough to say yes and that counts as a nap? Well, technically dim cap is when someone is trying to get out of a murder charge and they weren't in their right mind. They couldn't tell right from wrong. They were diminished capacity. Oh, okay. So it's on the perpetrators the dim cap yeah but i think you could use it in this case for we're all about okay does this person have a diminished capacity to say yes to say no to post this knowingly and then go

oh does this mean i have access to this should i be watching this it's the same thing as when someone leaks someone's nudes and you go oh well i feel there's part of me that wants to look at this and there's a part of me that knows oh this person doesn't want this. It's the same thing as when someone leaks someone's nudes and you go, oh, well, I feel there's a part of me that wants to look at this and there's a part of me that knows, oh, this person doesn't want this about. It's an interesting social thing now because in Australia, sorry, didn't know that reflex still worked. In Australia, someone dropped on Twitter a collated file, a Dropbox file,

of 40 different AFL players' nudes. Oh, yeah. And... I imagine you're going to do something now which is like American politicians running for presidency in the late 90s, early 2000s, when they're like, did you ever smoke marijuana when you were in university? You didn't inhale it yet?

Yes, but I didn't inhale. It's the, the nude leagues are like, yes, I looked at them, but I didn't. I was flaccid. I was flaccid the whole time. Not even a bit of pre-cum, which is rare because I'm like a faucet. I, um, no, no, no. I searched. I absolutely searched. Fuck them them they're guilty of so much

football is so fucking toxic let them get it justified look at it justified i don't know right but it was so interesting because immediately everyone went out of their way to but this is a violation of these privacy these men should be treated with the same day and all those people who did that he's got his cock out beside a sheep. Yeah, exactly. It's not, these weren't nudes that he sent to a lover of his, that his jilted lover then used as revenge. These are drunken. These are just drunk nudes. This isn't what happened to Jennifer Lawrence.

And what happened to Jennifer Lawrence was she was in a trusting relationship with someone who then got the relationship, and they used that as revenge porn. Yeah, was that what happened? It wasn't a hacked cloud? Is that what happened? Oh, was it hacked? Oh, okay.

But also, this is the other part of it, is I know for a fact that in Australia, if that had been a woman, if that had been Sophie Monk, if it had been Abbie Chatfield, if it had been any of the Australian female celebrities... Elliot Steele, Elliot Steele, Elliot Steele. Elliot Steele, Elliot Steele, Elliot Steele.

You can say those names. If Australia would have been like, fuck on, let's have them. Let's have them. Let's see it. But it's because of Australia's worship of these severely toxic men and sportsmen and sport that they would have been, they're like, fucking this is disrespectful to these men.

And also these men are told that they're gods and they're kept as children as well and it's also you don't actually you don't actually care about their nudes being leaked you just like it as a want to get off yeah but oh but you did but you did this too and you say and now you're a hypocrite it's just it's not an actual it's like when i often feel it whenever in this country whenever the conservatives call someone anti-Semitic and they go after anti-Semitism, and I think anti-Semitism is awful and something that

she's absolutely... She's anti-Semitism because you're here. He never says this. No, I know. He never says this. I know. You're lucky my rabbi is right over there and he has a gun. Oh, thank God. Are you just pointing to the target areas that he's meant to aim at? He's like, head sternum, shoulder, shoulder.

Sternum. Should have written the diaphragm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whenever these conservatives, especially the ones that are more prone to just being hate-filled in general, the ones that are, and not all conservatives are bigots, that would be a stupid thing to say. There are bigots on both sides. But the bigots and the conservatives, when they start piling on,

Jeremy Corbyn's an anti-Semitic. You're like, you fucking hate the Jews. You don't like the Jews. They hate the Jews, but they love the Jews' money. I think, personally, I think that was a big old trump up. I think that, not trump up, it's the right word, but it doesn't work anymore. I think that was just a tactic.

I just think it was a tactic. Corbyn has a great long history of supporting Jewish people. I think there is anti-Semitism in the Labor Party. I also think there's anti-Semitism in the Conservative Party. Did Corbyn do enough? Maybe not, but it was absolutely a wonderful way for the conservative media to oust him because his manifesto and his budget were fucking

brilliant and completely fundable, completely economically it made sense, which is more than the Tories have ever done. And they slit his Achilles heels before he could even run the race. And the majority of voters don't even read it anyway. I've argued with people about it, because I read all of them, and then all the manifestos, and had arguments with people who hadn't read any of them.

And I'm like, why are we even having a conversation? They'd be like, what about Jamie Corbyn's magical money tree? And you're like, that's just a Murdoch media phrase that they put in. But also, if you give him a party lane, he just gets to be smeared with the dirty word of socialist. But then you look at all the great things that the UK is based on, and they are socialist values.

And the NHS. The greatest fucking medical system in the world. Is a socialist scheme. Yes. People are worried about socialists because it's a step away from communism, and the only version of communism they know is fascism using communism as a Trojan horse. It's the thing that's always like- I love that we're getting into this on this podcast straight from britney spears butthole to

this the range i always get annoyed whenever i speak to uh because i think especially in america because of the power of the media over there people cannot people wouldn't be able to tell you what socialists and communists is they wouldn't be able to define either at least of all separate them from each other and of course there have been horrific horrific regimes in history that if i feel have disguised themselves as socialists and exactly but what they doesn't get the fact that what they did was fucking horrific and they're like socialism doesn't work socialism doesn't work i'm like okay you don't get to claim to be the greatest country in the fucking world if you couldn't make this thing work.

Because socialism is going to work in any country in the world. Surely it will work in the greatest country on the planet. And if you cannot fucking implement it like Norway did, like Sweden did it, motherfucker, you are not the greatest country in the world. And not by a long shot. I got really frustrated with my friends back home who argued against socialism when they were like, oh, well, I don't want them to take my money and give it to other people.

And I'm like, oh, whoa, dude, you'd be getting it. You'd be getting it. You'd be getting the money. You'd be getting it. Look at where you are. You have severe delusion. It's the way you sit on the economic ladder, bitch. We would be taking money away from people.

You have no idea how wealthy these people are. You can't have the money they've got uh just to do a slight uh shift uh away um i don't know if you guys discussed this i can't remember if you guys discussed in your podcast when did you actually start stand up and was it cabaret it was cabaret first for you right yeah so i um i was in musical theater and they tried to fire me from a touring production of Evita, which they couldn't do because they didn't follow protocol of warning, warning,

disciplinary action. However, I would walk on stage and turn upstage as the doctor diagnosing Evita with uterine cancer and lift up my doctor's coat and I would have my balls out with a smiley face written on them to a Vita in the hospital bed. Or sometimes I would have a clipboard that I was meant to like, oh, turn the page on, that's the diagnosis and no, no, no. And on the back of the clipboard, I would have Myra Hindley's headshot. And you kept your job because of bureaucracy. Yeah, I kept my job purely because of red tape, you know, thank the Tories.

And I deserved to be fired, but they couldn't do it. But I was also getting fantastic reviews. Yeah. But I hated the regimented nature of it. I hated the repetition. I hated the hierarchy of it. It had a high school vibe and high school was such a shit place for me. I just have an allergy to anything like that.

It had a high school vibe. And high school was such a shit place for me. I just have an allergy to anything like that. So then I saw Cabaret in the UK, which was a host coming on stage singing and talking shit in between acts. I'm like, oh, I can do that. No one tells you what to do. No one tells you what to wear. You can roast the public.

I can roast the public. I can be a smartass. You can roast the fucking acts after a shake and you don't want them back. Actually, the more you roast them, the better the night is. And it's like a true sign of love if you're roasting the acts, if you do it well, right? Yes, yes. Like Sanford Comics. And I went, oh, I can do that.

So I kind of just jimmied my way into a cabaret gig by saying, I'm a West End star. Not true. I'm a huge deal in Australia. Not true. Did a gig here, got it filmed, went back to Australia on the next trip, told them I'm direct from London. I'm a huge star in Australia. Not true. Did a gig here, got it filmed, went back to Australia on the next trip, told them I'm direct from London. I'm a huge star. And they went, we love that. And then I did that. And then I started doing cabaret hosting and, you know, like standup gigs do 50 quid a

night, a hundred quid a night or something at that time. And the cabaret gig was like 300 pounds to host. And I could do it four nights a week. And if I played it right, I could do an early show and a late show. So I'm like, well, I'm never ever going to go into stand-up. I'm just going to do cabaret. And what put me aside from a lot of other cabaret hosts was that I didn't just have my same 10 minutes. That I just repeat on repeat or rinse and repeat. I had more jokes, more jokes, more jokes.

My songs and my bits stretched. And you're also so very good in the room. Like you, and I would say the same for Craig Hill here. I would also say the same for Emmanuel. There are comedians who, when they walk on stage, even if they've got this entire brilliant back catalogue of material, you could do comfortably 30 minutes just with the fucking kraut easily. Yeah, and you're absolutely heckle-proof

because you react within a split second of the heckle leaving the mouth. Yeah. You don't ponder over what the fuck they've just said or whatever, you fuck. I remember there was a guy front row at the comedy store and you were crouched down an inch from his face the minute the words left his mouth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, go on. Yeah, what have you got to say to me right now? Come on. And he shrunk. He shrunk to that size. My response to hecklers is so different. I go for the,

mine is the teacher method, right? Let them sit in the silence for a bit. If you heckle, I'll go, even if I heard them, I'll go, what did you say? And they'll say it again. And I'll be like, so, acoustics man,

could you say it one more time and they'll they are losing cock because the second time first time didn't get laughed the repetition absolutely did not get laughed the third time that they're like nothing you go right yes and and then i won't make any jokes about it because i want you to know the second you join in everything stops i funny is over i used to have a thing that I would do, which was someone would say whatever they did and I would just stop the show and wait and wait and wait and just go, right, we've learned what happens

when you speak and then move on. Nice, yeah. Let the bouncy castle go down. Yeah. And then put me back up again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go look everywhere the fun stops. The fun stops.

It's very funny, but I, yeah, I love the room stops the fun stops it's very funny but i um yeah i love the room i've always loved the room and i've only really started stand-up sets maybe the last year because i signed with comedy management who like we're putting you in stand-up rooms you have to yeah do stand-up rooms you were saying to us out there and this and this was when you tapped into the fucking soul of my comedy heart uh your show first of all 90 minutes obviously as all good shows should be but you're in a 75 minute slot i'm in a 60 minute slot that i'm stretching with the second knuckle of my act if that makes sense um and and you've got a narrative and obviously

I love shows with fucking narrative and stuff and don't get me wrong I love straight stand up I think it's the best and it's the purest form of it but I think especially

at an arts festival it adds an extra layer of engagement if you've got something to keep up with I've said it a thousand times I've seen Lee Evans live

and he made me cry with laughter and the next day if you asked me to repeat any of his jokes, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I remember the first time I saw Jim Jeffries in the UK where he was doing his gun control routine.

And I could, the next day I could repeat that whole set word for word and like the whole fucking story, because there was this narrative all the way through. And it just, and also I think making an audience laugh is one thing, but when you make them think either by challenging them or skewing something that they thought was one way

and you're able to pitch in another, that leaves an impression. And I think it's, I don't think it's a better way of doing it, but it's a way that I sort of relate to more. Attaching jokes to structure. Yeah. I just think narrative, there's an old thing in script writing, which is it's not what happens that matters.

It's what happens matters to the people. And it's just a way of raising stakes. So jokes hit harder, and it means the jokes serve as a function because if you go somewhere emotional, dark, something with meaning, and then you wrench the audience back out with a joke, you get that wonderful, rewarding experience of laughter through tears. It's like a laughter at a funeral. Yes.

Which feels dangerous. It feels wrong. It's a relief. I've always loved being able to go somewhere with an audience that they're not expecting. And I grew up watching the Marx Brothers, Danny Kaye and Jackie Mason and a lot of Jewish performers. And that's where humor is in many ways a coping mechanism. And I think there's something really relatable about that to everyone. And especially

if you can bring a foreign experience to someone's life, that's not relatable at the start, but by the end they go, oh my God, I know exactly what that feels like. You're also doing good in the world while not forcing the message down their throat. Yeah. You're giving people a fresh lens of perspective that they didn't see the world through before the show. Absolutely. And again, don't get me wrong.

I love straight stand-up. I love straight stand-up. Who's your favorites at the moment? At the moment, I really love Vidura. Vidura Bal. Oh, God, I hope I got that name right. I haven't heard of... He's doing the...

French? Are they out in the French? The K-Hole. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're here. They're doing a couple of nights. I really like them. Calm... What's it?

Here he is. Vidura Burr can I say a four? oh man I have not heard of this guy Vidura Burr I think he's wonderful I think he's great look

I actually really love and never get tired of watching Rosie Jones I love Rosie Jones I think she's fucking brilliant I'm really interested to see Helen Bower

I know who Rosie Jones is but I've never seen her Helen Bower I've seen she's class brilliant. I'm really interested to see Helen Bower. I know who Rosie Jones is, but I've never seen her. Helen Bower I've seen a bunch of times. She's class. I've never seen Rosie do a full show, but I've also never not seen her smash a 10-minute. Crush. Yeah. Crush a set.

Who else? Helen's got fucking great energy, hasn't she? She's just brilliant. I just love anyone who's not afraid to scream an entire set that is Prosecco and burritos at an audience. I'm seeing Lou Wall on Thursday.

Oh my God, you're going to die. You're going to fucking die. Yeah, it's not stand up. Great. It's something different. I also really like

Gillian Cosgriff's show, Actually Good. Okay. Again, she's not a stand up. It's a structure and she Actually Good. Okay. Again, she's not a stand-up. It's a structure and she's funny. Okay. Very funny.

But it's a show that you just go, oh, I'm going to happy cry through this and I'm going to laugh. Great. Those kinds of things always touch me more than straight stand-up. But for me, old school stand-ups like Judy Gold, Wendy Liebman, Jackie Mason. Jackie, so yeah, Jackie Mason. Those are the people I grew up watching. Joan Rivers. Like, but there's an hour of Joan Rivers

where it's just one-liners. It's old vaudevillian American style stand-up. I'd love to say, obviously, you, but I've never seen a show. I love your wounded deer set I would not recommend it fucking that wound what did you say

when I came up it's like it's amazing that we could be so different but have so much crossover I know yeah yeah yeah it's true we did this

I was like all I talk about is blood shit piss and cum and Tories and similar similar but you know

I was like I've got to put you in heels And let you do my set And no one will know The difference Apart from the accent They'll just think I've had a head injury

And I'll put you in What's the opposite Of champagne I'll go pop I'll go pop slacks Yeah yeah yeah Your tracks Me doing a set

In just trackies And nothing else So you circumcised then Yes Yeah Fooled you Fooled you. Go on.

Excuse me. Not too bad. I shouldn't have called you a bluff there. I should never have called you a bluff. Because I often associate when you go to America and obviously in the UK, just none of us are circumcised really unless it's a religious thing or a medical thing.

Yeah, yeah. It's a whole island of anteaters. Yeah, we get told it's unhygienic yeah but it would like also be hygienic to knock me teeth out i also and convenient i um i just look personally i would rather me not be circumcised i just think maybe just don't put a knife anywhere near a child's genitals unless it's for a very important reason. And aesthetics or a rule based on when we didn't have running water, refrigeration, air conditioning, antibacterial wipes, or we didn't live in sand is probably for the better. And also the reason Americans, I tried to get this through to Americans,

the reason British people are not circumcised is because that costs the NHS. So they're like, we're not going to do an unnecessary surgery on you because that will cost us money. In America, where it's all for profit, they're like, your baby needs circumcised. Why? Because I can pay that guy 25 grand. That's why. Money pays.

It's capitalism. Capitalism. But also, just as a sensitivity issue, I have lost so much sensitivity. You need to hammer away at the end of my cock for a while before I come. It's very different. Also, like, as a gay man, just negotiating the needs of people who are uncircumcised, it's like driving a stick or a manual. Does it go like the heel of your foot?

Yeah. You know how the heel of your foot's going? Yeah, it looks like your dock stick or a manual uh does it go like the helia foot yeah you know the helia foot yeah it looks like your dock workers heel when you've been lifting yeah because i have to get the ped egg onto it just to get down to the softer skin but do you do they have a ped egg here i've heard of a ped egg the ped egg is the thing you use to grate the end of your heel so you get all the dry skin off. I prefer the little fish in those Asian shops. Oh, yeah, I dip my cock in one of those and just let them have a nibble. The problem is I lose 30 centimetres each time. 30 centimetres?

I've got a five metre long cock. It's like a tapeworm. If I do that, I'd probably get a catch. Just me with a great marlin just on the end of my cop like a tinder profile throw it back catch and release that's how they invented the term i went to one of those little fucking oh that's my pronouns a catch and release sorry sorry write it down use it for stage i went to one of those like fishy pedicure things in Singapore with

Craig Hill that is a TikTok waiting to happen that is a documentary fish pedicure in Singapore with Craig Hill it's like a span three wheels he's just there with chopsticks this sushi is great this is fantastic

soul food get out leave now Sushi is great. This is fantastic. Salford. Get out. Leave now. Or just find a good perch to sit on. There's a table and a place. Let's talk about this in scale, shall we? It has to stop.

There's none. It just has to stop. There's no fish back there. Okay. Okay. We'll slowly get over this. I'm going to kill myself. Omnicod.

Right, can we move on? This is where we're all trying to think of this. No, no, no. Stop before I guess that. As soon as the cogs need to turn, it needs to stop. Okay. This is even before social media. I think we've really jumped the shark. Because I'm having a whale of a time

Finn There it is Thank God Thank fuck for that Oh God So you went to Singapore with Craig Hill Getting a fish pit cure This is going to be a very underwhelming part

Remember I think I put it on Facebook because it was even before fucking Twitter this is a hate crime and somebody went do you know that's really bad for the fish

finished we're finished Ruben stop it's a post credit it's not a Marvel movie it's a really low budget podcast someone on Facebook one of my friends was like

you know that's really bad for the fish and I'm like yeah man I didn't I didn't think it was good. Like, at no point when I'm sticking my feet in there, I'm like, oh, I hope they've released these fish later. It's 50 fish this big. I'm sorry.

There is no part of my animal loving heart that even gives the faintest of fucks about those fish. Do you think they're slowly eating into your foot? Please help me. I get paid nine quid in a hell like the Primark people like the Primark kids if they could do that

I would request they just chewed Andy like in Toy Story on the bottom of my soul those fish are the equivalent of fast fashion the fast pedicure do you

like oh well here's another question I have for you. I did a routine in one of my specials, which was about how I, and you're the same with me, we both shave our arseholes. Right.

Shave them. Yeah, shave them. Brave. Thank you. I'm going to call white straight men brave. I bear back, they bear minimum. Actually, we all bear grudges. It's fucking like Bear Grylls when I'm down there.

Hey, I VEET. I VEET ball to asshole. What's VEET? VEET is like a hair removal cream. That means I don't need just 10 minutes. Whack it on my balls, whack it on here, and then do my little wings at the top here. And I put a time on for 10 minutes.

And then you get a little plastic razor, plastic, like, soft silicon razor, and you just wipe, and it all comes away. Because I did bring this up on the podcast with Cara the other day. Right. But, um, so I knew it was just the, Cara had, like, finished her cycle, and it was getting to the and she was like

we're you know we can start going back in business back in business flip the door open and I'm like and man it's difficult with a child

because they occasionally like wake up you got to make sure that they can be down and there's nothing more and less sexy than your wife whispering in your ears

can you be done in 10 minutes here and you're like yeah man do you need that because anytime i need a time limit it's when i'm bent over with a hand mirror shaving putting a razor near the most sensitive part of my body i want a clock ticking down so i so so i know i know we're gonna have sex within like the next three days based on when we can sort of get it done and it's been a while since i tripped so i do my i do my butt and that's just for me that's just for wiping i

think wiping your leg over your head like a contortionist like you're about to climb through a tennis racket he's there i believe we call that the calamari or the salted pretzel like you're gonna fit through a tennis racket it It's wonderful. It's a fucking great image. So I do that. I'm like, well, I'm here. I might as well. I get a fair bit of pubes there. And I don't think, me personally, I would never want to be. I can get quite puby.

You look like you have a hairless, like a Hiroshima level of hairlessness. Oh, it's all here and right around my arm. Oh, you're a thorn. All below the waist. Maint is bright ginger. Just the tautness. I want that. I have got...

It's all just like a vaguely hairless... Not hairless, it's like a vaguely colourless body hair. But I want something. Either blonde or ginger would be hot. It's tricolour, right? I've got like ginger there and then like dark brown around my cock and then my blonde balls, my ball hair is like fucking white. You've got a Neapolitan cock.

Yeah, and it's tricolour. It just needs a waffle in it, doesn't it? Can you please start an OnlyFans? Please. But like, don't you? I want to think about it. You would be his OnlyFan. You're going to turn down that 10 quid a month?

OnlyFan. Just OnlyFan. Just that. So you were there. You would be his only fan You're going to turn down that 10 quid a month Only fan Just only fan So you were there So I'm like I start trimming the sides And I obviously use the scissors to just reduce the length Of the main bits And then I'm trying to get down the sides

And like a fucking idiot I go oh fuck I've gone too much on that side I'll just even up here Oh fuck I've gone too much on that side I'll just even up here oh fuck I've gone too much on that side I could just go back to end up with

a little fucking Hitler moustache a little Brazilian is that Brazilian? no I've got a landing strip a landing strip a landing strip

I've got a landing strip and not of like the lovely landing strips I guess that gives the pubic lice the two little neon things so I go guiding them in there

I had to come downstairs to my poor wife and be like so i um yeah i shaved my best she was like hey like i don't think that's for me but yeah cool whatever i'm like i think i am i think i shaved too much and she immediately put down her phone sat up and went let me see it i'm like I have to explain she's like just let me see just let me see what you've done I don't need context I just need to and I pull it down

and I think it was 15 minutes before she could look me in the eye again that's so funny to the point why would you just just whip it off

that's worse that's worse that's objectively worse I'll go full fucking all off what what I'll get like

let it grow back and it turns into like kind a fucking funny hair how does Natalie react when you turn up with fucking no hair that's fucking fine

really that's what I love I think it's it's best when it's like in a fucking bit of like just past stubble so it's not itchy

oh yeah because it's not that girl loves to fucking stubble burn on her chin you want a three day growth like a designer stubble burn on her chin. You want a three-day growth? Like a designer stubble on your shaft? You know what?

I use a Manscaped Dune to the hilt now, so it goes in its stubble. But I've never been a stranger to getting it all off with a fucking razor. All off? All off. With a razor. Yeah. Use Vite. It's so less dangerous.

My problem is... But what happens if you leave it on for more than 10 minutes? Do you know what? For me, we've used the sensitive one not much. Okay people get a reaction to it but i don't maybe i've just got balls of steel um but for me just less dangerous and i just i get to be really specific about what i want hairless and what i don't and then the rest i just trim with scissors maybe i'll do feet then because like somebody's try beat get the one for sensitive skin don't get the other one because that's the one that will like see your skin you know if you let it over

grow like you've just been on a like long tour whatever you haven't and it starts being on camp do you do the thing where like you twizzle it around and then snip it with the scissors yes yes it's the same when the wolf cup was really in vogue for girls so they would just be like twisting bits of their hair and cutting so it would come in shaggy uh also this is very different this is obviously men with partners or people with partners on a tour versus a single person on a tour because me on a tour i never let it overgrow because that is the prime time when i have a hotel where i don't have to clean the sheets cara and natalie have to us where this is useless yeah cara. Cara and Natalie have no delusions and no fears that we cheat while we're on the road

because when we come back, we're like, it's in there. Hairy bush and a big belly. I've let everything go. Love me. I'm back worse than before. Remember the image of me that was in your head when i'm left well he's fucking dead bitch this is the other part of our touring this is the other part of

stand-up versus what i do you doing stand-up encourages so many unhealthy habits or just um uh a sedentary lifestyle whereas me on tour tour, the shows are so fucking athletic. You'll see it here. I'm dripping in sweat the whole time. I'm drinking too much water. I'm sleeping. I'm shoving as much food in as I can. I come back from tour and I've lost so much weight.

At the end of these two weeks, I'll be a ghost in a shell, which means all of Asia will be wondering, why is Scarlett Johansson playing me? So you get your workouts. The more you work, the more you work. I hate being in a gym, but as a gay man, I want to, you know, I want to subscribe to a really harmful aesthetic. But I do it in the shows.

That's another thing, you know, with the shaving it all off. You've got to have abs if you're doing that you can't have a gut and completely bald you know why because you if you've got a bit of fur

on you then especially in the quick me if you've got a bit of fur on you the cuddliness of you is accessorised by the aesthetic of bear okay

or cub or wolf if you get older I'm an otter, I'm a slim fairy gentleman What's a fat bald guy? What are we? Eels Eels? Is that right?

I just made that up, seals would be No, not seals What about the hagfish? The one that's long and thin but secretes a lot of mucus so it can get away from predators, that feels appropriate right yeah that feels good um well daniel i don't know i don't know what you look like younger but you both would be i think now twunks which is a twink that has twanked its last twunk it's the past tense of twink hairless, kind of young, sort of chicken.

You might have been chicken at a stage. My fucking ego there, when you went, you two are twunks, I went, no, that's obviously twinks and hunks. Not an out-of-tune twink. An out-of-tune twink. That is a very accurate description of me. I can't sing for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. It's a little flat. Yeah. So they'll get the tuner and get the hammer and that little twist where they twist the wires. All right, I've got some twink and tears back in. It's like if I... You absolutely would have.

I bet you two in like white singlets and light blue jeans with your hair spiked in a gay club. Oh, my God. Your holes would have been battered like calamari. Meant I'm really in trouble. I've had any of the beating. He couldn't be care. He shits blood just regular.

I haven't in a while, but it used to be my thing. That's gross. What a USP for a comedian. It was my MO. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was your first flare? MO positive. You just sort of Rothko the toilet in a mix of like

reds that seeped into brownies I'd look at the ball and go well it's claret that's fresh blood I don't need to worry about that have you had that

checked out or is that just yeah they found out what blood type he was with the prostate exam so they just said Natalie needs to cut her nails

which is a fair fair thing and a sacrifice she should make. Where can our lovely fans, because you've been doing the K-Hole,

is it Thursday to Sunday or is it Friday to Sunday? Thursday to Saturday. Thursday to Saturday. Thursday to Saturday. We've added, when does this go out? It's Thursday.

Thursday. What day? Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow or Monday? Monday. This is Monday's episode. Yeah.

This is Monday. Oh, it's next Monday's episode? Wednesday to Saturday. We're doing a Wednesday show. We've added a show on Wednesday. Great. And it's in a 500-seater Spiegel tent. Amazing.

So we're getting our big hitters in for the acts, and it's already selling really well. K-Hole goes Wednesday to Saturday, and then my solo show is Tuesday to Sunday at 7.50pm. You can find all the details on my website, rubenk.com. I'm also going out on tour throughout the UK and

Europe. We've got loads of people all over Europe. I'm doing Stockholm, I'm doing Oslo, I'm doing Amsterdam, I'm doing Brussels. Keep talking. I'm doing I think I'm doing a Berlin date talking. I'm doing, I think I'm doing a Berlin date. We're still waiting to find a Berlin date. So all podcast listeners, you fucking, to get Ruben back on this podcast,

you have to go to these shows to prove that we actually can sell tickets on his behalf. Yeah, please do, please do. Because I listen and people come up and say, oh, I heard you on this podcast. So I know which podcasts are the good ones to do. Do us all a favor, go to the show and make sure that he's aware that it's worth coming back on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'm doing Leeds, Bristol,

Brighton, Manchester, Sheffield, and I'm doing a residency in London at the South Bank Centre, which is a full two-hour version of the show with a six-piece band and an interval. It's a huge, huge thing on the South Bank in London.

Just go to my website. All my dates are there. You've got options? RubenK.com. Very simple, very easy. And RubenK on all social media platforms, except on Grindr where I'm Plugs Bunny. And by the end of the Fringe,

are you and me going to see any more K-theatre together? I hope so. There is a play I want to see, I think, at Summer Hall, which is four men of very different ages discussing their chemsex experiences in various stages of undress. And I think that that's the one for us. Let me know when you go to the outcome.

Well, there's poppers at the door. Actually. No. to the outcome. Well, there's poppers at the door. Actually. No. Fucking hell,

I already had the tickets in my basket there. As my tour has proven, straight men will swallow anything. Finn. Oh, man. you