Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.45: Milk of the Gods

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

Urooj Ashfaq joins Muggins and Cream moments before being nominated for Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and going on to win the award. Congratulations to this legend. They talk about India's love for cows, cultural differences when it comes to manners and Daniel's surprisingly good grasp of Hindi.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done.

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Ah, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

We have a very special guest on the podcast today, somebody who I have been picking up for the past three weeks. And normally whenever I pick someone up, I'd never have them on the podcast. You've already been mentioned on this podcast? Oh my God. You got plugged? Yeah, yeah. You plugged me on your Instagram also.

That was really helpful. Did he tell you what was very funny about him? He was like, he'll give you a shout out on Instagram, like give you a hand, and then check your Instagram following and you had more than him. And he was like, I'll help the little guy. Oh, can I have your help?

Can you help me, Arif? I came to see him purely on the fact that, I can't remember who recommended it to me, but it was someone from soho in london was like it's brilliant and because we've had such good times in india and all the comedians we've met have been great i'm like i'm gonna actually put my money where my mouth is and i'm gonna go out and support like newer younger comics and enjoy that and i took my friend breed who is an agent and we sat there and like from like 10 minutes in

we were both like oh my fucking god like this is what the fringe is about something we've not seen before and it's the container's like a 80-90 seat

or is it the it's 74 74 yeah I think of the number every day how many tickets I've gone so I just

it's 74 74 yeah yeah and I'm like this will be and it was sold out the day I was there and then after the show I'm like this will be and it was sold out the day I was there and then after the show

I'm like I gotta give her as much help because this is such a good show and then me and Breen went outside and found out you have about

150 to 200,000 more Instagram followers than me and I'm like oh fuck yeah I forgot I forgot India

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India India India India India India India India

India India India India India India India India India India India India India India India India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India, India. We are the most populated country in the world. You can have that many and still be a subculture. Yes, and I am. I actually want to tell you guys that it's not respectable, my following back home. No? No, because also I don't, I mean, your shout out helped me the most because you know people here in Edinburgh. Take that, Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Infinitely more successful, more talented than me.

But you hear that? More fucking clout just not on instagram that's what matters no but just yeah uh so that really helped me that sent so many people to my show and then they told me after the show that daniel sauce recommended you and that's why we're here so that that has really helped uh but my following is not very respectable in India people have like 2-3 million at least really it's

yes there's so many of us and all of us have like a fake account also so you have to like factor that or burners as well you've got burner accounts

yes we've got burner accounts so is that is that just where you can like be yourself without getting like the judgment or is it just a private account

for friends it's just a private account for friends so I'm like i count one person following me twice i see that on facebook where somebody's got like uh you had it actually where you had your daniel sloss account but then you had like daniela mugglebloss and it was like a really cryptic yeah first name is that just a privacy thing well yeah so originally i did it on facebook just because like when netflix sorry i shouldn't have told them it oh i'm not on facebook feel free to follow daniela mugglebloss i've not been on it in six years it was after netflix came out and like started getting messages from everywhere and i was like i'll do one of those fake name accounts um and then and

then like a month afterwards and this is where i should be less judgmental comedians who didn't have netflix specials and hadn't had anything changing their career in the past three months started coming up with their like their own little fake names and i'm like oh fuck off man cute real cute like is that just to just stop your grand saying you post the word if i ever did that it would just be so people couldn't contact me saying could you ask Daniel tell Daniel I had fucking I'd never read the rest of the message if it starts with tell Daniel I also found out through plugging your show because I mentioned it at the end of the Playhouse shows I was plugging all the shows I'd seen and the ones that I'd enjoyed and somebody in the

audience had filmed me shouting out your bit at the end. And I didn't realise this, because I drink a lot of whiskey on stage and because I drink a lot of whiskey before I go on stage, by the end of the show, I'm drunk, but I'm still professional. So I'm plugging your show, I'm plugging Lou Wall's show, I'm plugging Britannic, and then I say, and this is on camera, and whatever you do, don't go and see Jack Whitehall.

No memory of saying that why are you perpetuating the beef with Jack Whitehall he's a nice lad he's a lovely guy do you guys have beef no

yes well he started it he started the beef on this on this very podcast on his live show oh and it got back to him so Jack started the beef. On this very podcast, you mean? On his live show. Oh.

And it got back to him. So Jack started the beef by being a joke thief. Oh. Jack done another comedian's bit of material on a TV show. Oh, on a TV show? On Jimmy Fallon. Oh my, oh, oh. And it was an open maker from where I'm from, Newcastle,

had been doing this story and we'd seen it and it had been on the internet. So it was like 2011, there's receipts that in 2011, this open maker was doing this story. And it wasn't like, here's a similar thing that happened to me. It was a lifted joke and story. There is also a theory that it wasn't the open mic as original thought

and it was just a joke that's out there yeah that exists like you know like a long form like a really long form

like in India like are there just like obviously there's comedy that's been there for about 25 years now is that I mean comedy has been there

as long as we've had the arts but not stand up comedy not that like subsection what was it before it was stand up what sort of comedy I think we've had the arts but not stand-up comedy like not that like subsection what was it before it was stand-up what sort of comedy i think we've had a lot of variety shows on tv so there have been a lot of sketch characters uh but we've had stand-up comedians we've had johnny lever and uh raju shrivastav and but they their stand-up comedy was um they didn't have uh comedy clubs they didn't gig They didn't do spots and stuff.

They just had auditorium shows for families. So it was just like clean comedy, family-friendly material. And was it all original thoughts or was it all like from the book? I think most of it was original because we also had a show called The Great Indian Laughter Challenge. And that also had a lot of, you know, I think it was how maybe comedy started in most countries where it was older men and then they had like family material and then like just just everyday

observation for later for the 9 p.m show yes the kids aren't allowed yeah so like because in the uk there was like in the before comedy had it's like rock and roll reinventing in like the 90s when it was alternative the comedy before that was like straight white older men would go on and tell these sort of pub jokes usually bigoted

usually about your mother-in-law like misogyny about your mother-in-law but nothing original there would all be like you would see one old guy doing it in Portsmouth and then another old guy would be doing it in Bolton

there's different old guys, might have never met, but they're just playing the same material from the same stock. And nobody cared that the jokes were stolen because it was sort of pre-TV. So the jokes never actually belonged to anyone. They were just jokes that you heard and told. And acquired along the way. And then the 90s happened and then we all agreed

that you can no longer steal jokes anymore. And that got called hack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Jack did one of these sort of the stories told it as if it was his own it might have been an open mic as it might have been old hack and i i would say on stage that i thought he was a joke thief and then it got back to him and it upset him which is fair enough and i didn't mean for it to upset him and i thought somebody who was infinitely more richer than me and infinitely more successful would see me uh younger less successful comedian be like I

don't give a fuck but it upset him so took out the show because I don't want to start any beef because all the times I've met Jackie's been lovely and then the other night Cara my wife was going out to see some shows and Jack Whitehall walked into Abattoir and she was like what would you have done if you were there and I went left through the back there is no confrontation in me I think my first thing was she went

what would you do what would you do if you were there and I went would Kai be with me and she went no and I went leave

I would leave I was there when he walked in yeah but like I mean like I'm not going to feel awkward if somebody else stole a joke that's his thing to feel awkward about I'm not going to feel awkward if somebody else stole a joke.

That's his thing to feel awkward about. I'm not going to feel awkward about that. If I've said anything or I haven't said anything, I'm not going to have your awkwardness.

You've done the thing. Aye. That's true. Actually, have you never met him after? I have. I've not met him since this thing,

but we follow each other on social media. He sent me lovely messages whenever things have happened to me. I've, you know, know done similar at him i think the last time i met him we were about 22 23 he's a lovely fucking i think he's doing it on purpose i think he's just trying to be like look at me i'm so nice i'm supporting you yeah you're like feeling guilty every day yeah oh so he's gaslighting me he's like i'm such a guy. Next time he goes and nicks one of my gags, I'll be like, this mother next time.

He's not done it yet. You know what you should do? You should put in a bit about how great he is. Oh, kill him with kindness. Yes. I was actually thinking of it in a more psychotic manner. Go on. Yes, sure.

No, no, how would you do it then? Yeah, he's talking like mean girls, like being really nice to each other's faces. That was what I was suggesting. You know, just something that takes away from the quality of your life because the beef intensifies and it reaches a level of madness

that everybody's like, please stop, you're all rich. But frankly, when you're that rich, what else is there in life, right? Like, it's just these things. You get to a level of success where the only other people that you can have rivalry with are other straight white men.

Yes. Just sparring with other black belts. Yeah, I mean, also I feel this way also in India. I'm fairly privileged, quite privileged. And I'm just like, I don't really have any real problems anymore. I'm at the fringe. What am I going to make jokes about now?

What do I do? I need some issues. What do I? So this is your first fringe? Yes. is this your first time performing in the UK uh yes yes it is it is my first time how has the transition been if any like is it yes no there has there has been a transition it the transition is fairly smooth uh but I have to set a lot of context for some jokes and of course I had to change a lot of my Hindi punchlines to English. Yes, I was going to ask about that.

Yeah, they lose their rhythm. Yeah, because when we were at the Dead Ant Comedy Festival, and we were so desperate to see the Indian comedy, we sat in the crowd to watch it. Was the first person that did it, was it Ari Mitzi? Yeah, Ari Mitzi. She did it, and we were just, because we were laughing along enjoying it and then she just

split into a different language and we were like huh? Can I smell toast? I'm having a stroke. Because watching your rhythm on stage when you're doing the full thing in English I'm like I wonder how hard it is for those tags to

because those were always the big laughs in the Arie Missy show that we saw the set ups there the first punchline is English and then the three tags it's Hindi, Hindi, Hindi yes yeah

have you ever done it by accident at the fringe? yes I have and then I offer an immediate translation hopefully there are enough Indians that they laugh at it so there's always so then when I translate it

they're like alright it's fine and then you can make a joke about that and show them behind the curtain yes just be like

oh no that's what it means and I did by accident that helps you make the time for the show you know like you've got a

45 minute show but 15 minutes of translations takes it to the hour yes that's been really helpful that's been my

hack just to be like I'm just going gonna spend extra time explaining this because i don't have 55 so i'm stretching it every night excellent and that's how you do it though isn't it like it eventually becomes an hour yeah start off beforehand going i need some stuff yeah then you're just like how about if i just slow down what i sometimes do is put in an old joke and then feed that out over the first week. Just squeeze it out, make up time with something that I've already done before, and then just

like, as a placeholder until it's ready. In the show I saw it with, I think it was on like the first two for one day, and you kept making jokes that it was your most Indian audience, and I didn't know whether that was true. That was true. I was like, that's a funny joke, but am I laughing

at it just because it's like my fucking white ignorance being like, well, it does make sense that they would be cheaper. That does. And then you were also like, because this is the day with the most Indians in, they're going to be arriving late for the next 45 minutes. And sure enough, over the course of the next 45 minutes, just these Indian guys would walk and no apology on their face. Yeah, like racist if you say it, but I know my people. Yeah, they were like yeah so we're here we paid in pounds

deal with it and I'm like you're right you were paid to see me in pounds because there's an understanding that I'm paying

foreign currency for you and I could see you in rupees so just yeah I'm coming to see you on the west end

we discovered it in New Delhi when we had a curfew like a really I could see you in rupees. So just... Yeah, I'm coming to see you on the West End. We discovered it in New Delhi when we had a curfew, like a really enforced curfew where the police are going to rush the stage if you're still on stage at 10 past 11. And just everybody was just turning up when they felt like it. Well, this doesn't push back the show.

This eats into the show. Yeah, you must have had a lot of people come late, I'm sure. It was a huge auditorium, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think when we're going back to India next year, our plan is because I think we want to do two shows in a day so we can perform to as many people as possible.

But we're giving them super... We're going to have to lie to them about the start time sort of thing. Be like, the show starts at five. It starts at six. The show starts at five. And if you're not there at five, you don't get into the show because we know full well Indians will still tell. Are they already onto that?

Yes. Will they know what we're doing? They will probably then turn up by 5.30 and that will be your middle ground. You still won't see enough people at 5 p.m. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll still be like, you know, we can miss the first half probably. I have something to reveal, it was a plan of mine

and it's not gone well so far I think this is good company to bring up so you speak Hindi? Yes I, at the start of August, end of July decided to try and set myself the challenge of, because I know we're going back to India next year, I thought it'd be really cool if I secretly learned Hindi just a few of your tags

just just to sort of like because because to go out to a country that's been so welcoming and fun for us to go out there and like just at the end not do comedy in Hindi like in the way that like Eddie Hazard has done in French. Spanish. Or that Des... Des Bishop did it. Des Bishop's an Irish comedian who learned Mandarin and does, yeah. So he learned Gaelic, which he can speak to 16,000 people.

So that's an island. So he's like, I learned a whole new language and I can only do stand-up to a few more people. So now I'm going to learn a language where I can do it to a billion more people. So it was actually his third language that he learned and he's done he's done comedy in mandarin on chinese television like he's yeah yeah he made a documentary out of it he went and lived out there and i don't mean like in a city center he went and lived working in a restaurant in some

village where nobody spoke a lick of english so that he could be immersive he had to force himself to learn yeah and then they've done a stand-up show in mandarin is he good is it good i've seen i've seen the english uh story about it and it was amazing yeah i've i've here's the here's the problem i've seen him do the english version of some of the stand-up now obviously when you've learned mandarin and you're performing to a chinese audience who are so amazed that you're doing this you can obviously make fun of them and when you've learned Mandarin and you're performing to a Chinese audience who are so amazed that you're doing this, you can obviously make fun of them. And when you're making fun of them in their language,

they clearly don't care about you doing an impression of them because you've put in so much effort. When he does it in English in Australia, it's just an Irish man doing a Chinese accent. But it does help that he tells the story about when the Chinese people were making fun of his Chinese accent. So he was, like, saying the word for welcome in Mandarin

and they were just doing it in Mandarin also, like, welcome! Like, and taking the piss out of his accent. So it kind of seems to level it a little bit. But it still doesn't give him permission. Not to a predominantly white Melbourne audience. Where he's like, so then this Chinese guy, he was like, oh, hello.

And I'm like, man, buddy. Like you can do that fully in the realm of China. Outside of this, not. It's so funny though. I love when a comic gets up on stage and just misreads the room. And then of course the audience is so tense but you enjoy it so much personally you're like do more of the Chinese

accent I'm feeling something this is making me feel alive it's so funny I've stopped getting emotions at these things but this is something I want to identify it like I enjoy this so deeply so I did the standard thing I downloaded Duolingo first and then I booked myself to get a Hindi tutor so for a week tutor

how did I say it? and how is it produced? tutor tutor tutor tutor tutor tutor Tutor Tutor Tutor Tutor Tutor

Tutor Tutor Tutor Tutor Tutor We've said the word too many times now It's lost all meaning This is an aneurysm for people

The Hindi alphabet is fucked why which is why why do you think that so there are 48 letters um and and at least 10 of these letters make what I see as the exact same fucking sound as four others like man there's those are four different layers yeah just like boil it down to one because it's where it ends so some of it ends in the throat some of it ends in the

nose so you go so like me nam Daniel who the who's got to end Up in your Hu There Yeah

That's very nice Thank you Daniel Vat No way No way No way Are you two Going to break up

In the end you know And just I'll go cross-eyed again So there's just Could be But I mean It's just but I mean it's a very I think it's a very

beautiful alphabet because it does make sense because you've basically got ten bass sounds and then every bit of the letter there's a little accent somewhere that changes

it changes my to mo or to e to a a have you done it to sir and sure you know there's two S's also

Yeah, with the thing on the top And there's the sure on the bottom And A to A to A to Actually, at this point I feel like he knows more about The Hindi alphabet than I do So, have you taken the words S-H-T-H-C-H

And made it its own letter? Yes, that's right And it's such a fast language. So, man, I'm doing four hours a day at Hindi at one point, just the alphabet, because Duolingo is a good just dopamine loop, right? You got that one right. You got that one right.

You got that one right. Ding, ding, ding. I'm learning the alphabet. I get to like 95% of the alphabet learned where I'm like I could recognise the letters and I'm getting most of them right. I go into my first Hindi lesson with my instructor and she's like, do not learn the fucking alphabet.

What are you doing? Like the two big languages in India are... Even Indian people don't learn the alphabet. Well, she was just like, practically, you're going to go over there. The two big languages in India, the two official languages of India are Hindi and English. And all the signs are going to be in Hindi and then English.

So why are you fucking learning the Hindi? Because it will be there. Surely you want to just do conversation. For a bit. Do you not understand comedy? It's going to be worth it for like 15 seconds. No, but I get her point. Like being able to read it wouldn't give me

any advantage learning the the pronunciations in the ha ho and in the nose and the throat the other thing that she she was like i don't think you'll be able to learn it to be conversational in the time that you've got i think i'll be able to teach you enough that you're able to you know introduce yourself say things understanding will be very hard because it's a fast language. And then I was like, okay, just teach me thank you. She was like, Indians don't say thank you. Oh, yeah. She was like, there are three ways to say thank you,

and you will never hear them under any circumstance while you're out there. Really? Yes. But you're such a gracious people. The politeness seems to be like the hospitality thing. It seems to be the cornerstone. Here's one of the ones

I'm going to get this wrong, but here's one of the important ones I learned. And please excuse of my tip. Let me just say okay at the end. Okay. And please is instead of like give me that thing, please.

Give me that thing please give me that thing okay and like the okay is just them being that's the version of please give me that okay that's mine okay yeah

that's there there's no please it's just give me that okay that's really charming but I think I could jump into them skipping ropes

yeah I guess that's alright eh charminda mat kijiye oh yeah charminda mat kijiye oh very nice which is don't embarrass me by saying thank you.

Which is like if you were to assist someone and to say thank you. Thank you is so out of place that the thing you automatically say is like, why are you fucking saying thank you? Now you're embarrassing me. You think I'm not grateful to give you a fucking thank you? Should it be implied? Yeah. Oh, you know what? I don't like that.

Because one of my friends' kids didn't have that p's and q's and i was like and they didn't even get corrected and i was like i feel like it's important for your manners because like that's a base level of society is that you've got good manners because you want them to notice when you take them away if i take away a please and thank you you fucking know that i've got an issue so i just need everybody to know that my base level's polite and that can go. Yeah, yeah. So I think it's important to put them in

so that you can take them out. I feel like everyone's just really awkward to say thank you. You know how I feel like people here make conversation really easily with strangers and, you know, you have polite chit-chat. So the reason I think people don't say thank you in India is because they're like, talking to a stranger already is like, it's too much. So it's like people don't say thank you in india is because they're like talking to a stranger already is like it's too much okay so it's like if i say thank you i don't

want you to think that now we're friends or like no we're not friends you know and i have actually i've said thank you sometimes and like i i say thank you a lot because um i just do and i'm just anglicized yeah yes i'm anglicized that's correct and crippling anxiety that we all go through you've just got to be people pleasing yes yes and I'll take a rickshaw ride

and I'll get down and I'll give the rickshaw guy my change and I'll be like thank you and he's just like what's wrong with you he just

he looks confused he's like what are you trying to do here why are you doing this just get out and it's so funny she's annoyed all your fans in India

that got photos with you when you went thank you have a good night they were like oh my god that's only what you do with family because she so she taught me three different versions of like sort of acceptable versions of thank you and was explaining like when you would use this like maybe to like the older people if you were to like help them or if they did something for you to it's important to respect your elders there and i'm like if i say uh please and thank you too much in india is that when they'll work out that i'm a foreigner as you went they know she's like they're to work out pretty quickly, buddy.

A little bit before that. In Bangalore, we're queuing for the palace and it was like a price in rupees and then foreigners and then the white boy tax. White boy tax. Oh my God, that's amazing. And we were like, we can't say we're from Mumbai. Yeah.

We cannot get away with not being foreigners. You wouldn't pull it off. No. I also think it's a very fair thing to do, especially in places like India where you're like, there's a white boy tax. Because at no point... Getting your money back.

Yeah. One tourist at a time. Yeah, yeah. For foreigners, there is a different price point. Last time you came here, we didn't charge you in. And look what happened. We have cricket and races. This is from Grandad.'s your pay pay entry price there's my entry price this is granddad giving his money back

um i'm still going to try and stick with like i would like to be able to at least to like our promoters and the staff out there be able to like sort of say thank you ask for a water because i think it's a really nice thing to be able to talk to someone say thank you ask for water because i think it's a really nice thing to be able to talk to someone in their language and stuff um but i also think it's a huge advantage because hindi comedy is really taking off so it would be like learning mandarin and performing to one billion yeah yeah well i i yeah i think look white people are going to die soon. Oh, okay. I think so. Our time's up, man. Our time's up. The rest of the world are unionising.

Is that racist? I think I did it. No, no way. You are the majority. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think it is. I feel strange now. You could be racist to white people on this podcast

because we've said much worse things. And also, I think we deserve it. But don't get me wrong. You can be racist to white people on this podcast because we've said much worse things. And also, I think we deserve it. But don't get me wrong. We just had a conversation in the house about when we start the new set up and we've got the new studio, we're going to have the casual racism box and legitimately put a fiver in when we're accidentally

for the sake of comedy because ironic racism is just as bad as honest racism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it in. Give it to a charity at the end. Sexism with your tongue in your cheek

is still just sexism that you're putting out into the world. But women's charity. I think it's fine. Also, I mean, of course, I mean,

what is casual racism that happens on the podcast? I just want to know because I feel like... Just the laziest version of, like, his wife is, her mother is from Oman and her father is from Glasgow. So Natalie is Glaswegian. She just has slightly darker skin.

But he blames her for 9-11. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know. It is kind of our fault. Just that lazy, low-hanging fruit that even as a comedian, you don't want to say it, but you've got that thing of like,

that joke's there. And I'm just so used to going for every joke that if I don't do it, someone else might do it. And even though I don't want the laugh, I don't want them to get a laugh instead of me. I get it. Yeah, it's really... And fair enough.

All my friends, they make fun of me for being a Muslim because most of my friends are Hindus in India. And it's hilarious when they rib me and call me a terrorist or tell me that they're gonna throw me out of the country soon and honestly it makes me laugh every time i feel loved i was so i was so blown away by the in your show because you were making fun of muslims as well as the hindus but like making fun of fun of Muslims in the UK because they are a persecuted sort of religion here and they receive all the racism. People are

especially liberal left wing comedians. Islam is untouchable like nobody would even dare make an insult and then you were like and I'm like well this is refreshing Treat your sister No I wasn't I wasn't like yeah get him finally And I'm like, well, this is refreshing. Treat your sister. No, I wasn't.

I wasn't like, yeah, get him, finally. You had your lighter out and a flag. You know, actually, I started feeling it at the spots. So the reason I make fun of Islam and Muslims is because right now you really can't make fun of any religion but your own and especially um hinduism in india right now because they're on the rise in the right wing and stuff so it's just safer to make fun of my own religion and i felt it in some of the lineup spots i was doing where i was like these guys are laughing way too hard at these muslim jokes and i was like i feel like i'm relieving some tension here and then when you're flyering them a lot of older skinheads scottish people were like you were great and i was like

come to my show but like a little suspiciously your solo show is just full of neck tattoos but also i was like what the fuck i'm doing this and i didn't change my set at all i was like come it's fine give me your money you hate islam I was like, come, it's fine. Give me your money. You hate Islam, I hate Islam. Come on, let's do this. Because I find, I don't know how much

you can talk about this and we can edit out if need be. But I think the thing that would be shocking to people over here is the ignorance of, if you were to ask anyone in the street

what religion Hinduism is, they would tell you that it was very peaceful religion and probably... I would probably associate that it was very peaceful religion. And I would probably associate a lot of stuff with Buddhism, just because I would fill in my ignorance with like something else I don't understand. And then we go over to India, where, as you say, right wing populism is on the rise and that's Hindi.

And of course, all religions are, there's no one perfect religion anywhere. There's violence and goodness on both sides. I think that's the bit that's a fucking culture shock to find out that like hindis and the muslims have this rivalry but there's a part of the world where you know the hindis are um being really shit to the muslims is that fair to say like i want to get you in too much trouble but like hate because crimes, kind of, sometimes. Yeah, no, I think I can, I know what you're saying. And I found a loophole. I can talk about the government, because you can't touch religion as a topic unless it's your own.

And I, yeah, so I found the loopholes to talk about the government. And it is the government. And they are, I mean, like you said, like there's no religion that's actually good or bad. It's how people use it. It's how people use it. And yeah, no. Except for Scientologists. Across the board, all cunts, bar none.

Yes, what is it? As well, the only one that's correct as well. I have no reference points for Scientologists. I will come back to my topic. But who are they? So Scientology, my theory is, this is my conspiracy theory. L. Ron Hubbard was a sci-fi writer. He wrote sci-fi books and he wasn't very good at it. So what he did was he was like, who's really gullible and like stories about wizards and magic and whatnot,

religion. And I think he grew up, if not atheist, at least agnostic. I think he was trying to prove how silly religion is and how susceptible people are. By writing his own as a work of fiction. Which all religions probably are. Yeah. So he came up with the most ludicrous fucking... There's a planet several billion light years away where God was born

and all of his children come down in spaceships from us but they died here and they crashed into volcanoes and their souls and they inhabit our bodies and they're called thetans and you get tested to find out how much of these things he just came up with something so ridiculous so he could build this thing and then he died before he went away and now we're just left with Tom Cruise. There's some money in this. And I like money. Yeah.

And then you're not getting like, you pay for entry level and then you pay for the next level up. Like you get more information the more you subscribe. But man, I think Doug Stanhope has a bit, it might not be Stanhope, feel free to correct me,

where he's like, I cannot respect Scientology because like there's videos of your Jesus. There's footage of him. And they're in colour. His name is Ron. It's not a name you want to follow into an afterlife. My God's called Derek.

Yeah. He's like, you cannot support a religion where there is footage of your god stubbing his toe like colin yeah colin excusing himself to go to the bathroom that's my god and so sorry back to hindi muslim no it's it's so strange actually i'm all religion is as ridiculous as this but at least it's dated right there's no videos it's so old but the government right now in India is going back to that is actually um I think this is a concept that's been introduced by uh the Britishers you you're both Scottish right so that wouldn't yes okay nearly we consider nearly he comes from a place in just south of the border it's called Newcastle and it's just across the

border in England not even as far as Newcastle, and it's just across the border in England. Not even as far as Newcastle, Northumberland. It's the next county down from the border. Okay. He's only English, and Scottish people only consider Geordies to be English whenever England are playing football, because that's when they're English.

I still get the football team. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're allowed some joy in your life When Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister And she fucked over Scotland She also really really fucked up where he grew up A lot of the mining industry Like the coal mines were in the North East

And they kind of got closed down So everybody got made redundant Like the protested against it and shit But there was nothing put in place Instead of the mines. So it just went into austerity and the railway lines got ripped out and it was fucking, we just got left to rot. She took free milk away from school children,

which was like the big thing in the 80s. Her nickname was Margaret Thatcher Milk. She took my milk. She took my bloody milk. So, yeah. I can't even look at milk. I can't even look at milk. I can't even look at milk. It's tricky. Triggered by milk.

So the Geordies hate the rest of England with a similar sort of passion that the Scots... Not outright hate, but just like, we have very politically different thinking because of our history oh that makes sense i love seeing the infighting and yeah i mean that's how i look at it right like if you were to see india you'd see like why are they fighting each other yeah it's actually a lot of a lot of the north where i'm from now i've got short memories and they'll vote for the party

that put them in this fucked up situation because they just don't read history yeah so yeah just lack of awareness is is the key to the success of the government that's in power triggering people making them think that somebody else is the problem and absolutely people are benefits it's the refugees it's these people it's not us it's not us laying in each other's pockets by the way it's those guys underneath you yeah so there's a lot of that and there's a lot of downward hatred from people that are really near the bottom oh yeah that's just the best part is establishing an enemy that's not in the group it's like outside the group and for our government they found it to be the muslim minority and uh i think in general their whole thing is that um their hindus are majority but the government has had propaganda i think equivalent

to as good as the nazis i would say like it's pretty good it's like i think because we're a global economy and they're dependent on propaganda yes is it like a is there is there like an indian version of like fox news out there that they're all Fox News. All, really? They've got all the media. We've had comedians go to jail. You can't really joke about a bajillion topics. You'll get into trouble. And not cancel culture trouble, which we think is very cute. You go to jail.

Yeah, we were laughing about that. We would love to be cancelled. Yeah, just cancelled. What a privilege it would be to just get free publicity as opposed to we know where your mother shops yeah and they do that they dox you so they like release your address they will put out your parents numbers they'll make whatsapp groups they'll keep adding your family to it um i imagine there's a lot of indian parents out there the way pride works in indian culture is if your child gets doxed at one point you're like I did get a thousand death

threats today. God, my daughter's doing very well. Everybody has my number. Yeah. My friend down the street, her son's been doing comedy for seven years. She got seven death threats yesterday. My phone just won't stop ringing. So how long ago did you start comedy and where about in India did you start comedy

and where about in India did you start in Mumbai I started in Mumbai and I started in 2016 so yeah I think it's been like 7-8 years now that's when I started

the scene the Indian scene is I think it started around 2010-2011 so the comedy scene yeah and is it a fun scene to start on like yeah it's it's

pretty great i mean we have scenes in mumbai delhi uh chennai bangalore like the four like and is it mostly english speaking uh no it's actually mostly hindi speaking uh because up north is where most of the population is uh and like okay so just sorry i'm i don't know why it's boring to give stats but no no no no i am we love this and they will listen to whatever we want them to fucking listen to all right great that's done then okay so 50 of the indian population lives in 10 of the landmass which is up north and the other 50 is distributed in 90 of the country so uh up north everybody speaks hindi and down in the bottom in the country. So, up north, everybody speaks Hindi. And down in the bottom, in the 90%, we're not culturally homogeneous.

So, there's English, there's Marathi, there's Tamil, there's Chennai. And cultural reference points also change. So, Hindi comedy is really dominant. And they're excellent. They're really good. And English comedy also equally, enough people in India that you can make a career

no matter what language you speak in. It's pretty like viable. So, yeah, it's mostly Hindi right now. And people find us through YouTube and stuff. So all of the diversity in the countries in the south, or is there still diversity in the north, but just condensed? There is a lot of diversity because there are a lot of different states. But the thing is, they're very homogeneous culturally, right? Like they'll have very few variations but down in the south um they have yeah there's a lot of diversity there's

a lot of different languages and there's a lot of like every state has just different practices and traditions and stuff and just generally it's really nice because there's so much diversity that everybody has a new reference point for hating another person it's a beautiful but i find it so fucking interesting speaking to the indian comics so we met out there which is like you know your if you start in the north and you do your comedy in english with a mix of hindi up there i'm like how do you do in the south of india and they're like i don't play the south of india because it's a different language i think some of it's a different alphabet as well yes yes all of it is yeah and there's like the you know how there's the bible belt in america they were saying that in india there's the cow belt

yes the cow belt yeah oh everyone loves the cows a lot yes yes and oh yes i love cows don't you we love cows uh one of the i think this was a tweet but the tweet was you yes we love cows one of the I think this was a tweet but the tweet was you know like how cows have more rights than Muslims in India right now

and it's just like you know like because we'll eat a steak if we were in the cow belt and we ate a steak would that be like seen as like cannibalism

you wouldn't find a steak to eat no they don't sell cow meat at all beef is banned in India. It's banned. So also legally, but morally, will they just say you as absolutely reprehensible,

like you're a pedophile or a murderer? They would lynch you. Really? We have lynchings. So a lot of times when they lynch Muslims, it's on the suspicion that they had beef in their house. Fuck. Oh, boy.

We cannot go there. Yeah, we can. You know, imagine people in like, let's just see Mexico. Great, let's see what vein of racism this ends up in.

We're just casually having sex with 10 year olds. Right? We hadn't said Mexico. I wish you hadn't said Mexico. wish you hadn't said Mexico I wish you'd said France This is where we'd put five pound in the box and donate it to the taco shop

Alrighty tenor Alrighty tenor I'll have a burrito please And then they just came on hold here and yes they didn't fuck our 10 year olds but we knew they'd been fucking 10 year olds at home I'd still want to lynch them

yeah so if we go to there don't let them have this if this is incorrect they can't just go oh well that's just what they do in their country if they really really think that it's that level of reprehensible then they've got every right to

we can't go there Americans come over here and they shut up schools man we don't have this not them like if the school shooter came over here i'd be yes mad at him they're all one fox news clip away from being a fucking shooter that's true in this fox news in india the murdoch media still yeah you know how you were saying it's all the news over there is Fox. It's not owned by Murdoch. Is it not? I don't think so, because Murdoch owns the news here. You know who Rupa Murdoch is? Sorry, no, I don't. Have you seen the

show Succession? No. Recommend, highly recommend. But that is based on a real life family who run Sky News over here, Fox News in America. And I don't know if it's Fox in Australia. I think it's actually Sky in Australia, but it's more the tone of Fox.

Yeah. So he's the one that, him and his family, he's the one that builds the write-up in countries because it gives them the Tucker Carlson's. He can make it so that whoever he wants to win the election wins the election. He's the reason Brexit happened because he decided that he didn't have any power in Europe

so he was going to turn the British public against the idea of the European Union and he spent four years making sure that the media in the UK did that and that was enough to make it all go wrong. It's like whoever he's in bed with, that's who wins. He's the reason why Trump became president the first time as well.

This is what he does in Britain. And he's been around for a long time. Australia had a right-wing government for fucking 12 years despite actually populationally-wise being quite a liberal place, just because he knows how to. He knows that 30% of any population at least just won't vote in elections, and he knows it's much easier to inspire hate than it is sort of love for change and everything.

So our question there was... Is it him? It's not him in India. They're just using the tactics of him yes I think so I'm not sure if it's him or not now that you've said it

because I feel like if you can trace everything back to a richer person yes it could be him you know just the layers

of other people it's probably one of his golf buddies yeah yeah yeah they work on their shit together

if you want to have global domination you're in bed together right so sorry so just to go back and try and save the cow conversation. So cows are holy and that's why they're not eaten. Yes. And that's, I feel fine, of course.

You know, like that's their belief and everything. I have to say that, but this is going to be on the internet. But it's completely fine. It's behind a three pound paywall. It's not, it be on the internet but it's completely fine it's behind a three pound paywall yeah it's not it's not

no it's not it's okay to police what people are eating I'm okay with that yeah but it's just the lynching which is the problem which is that

you know when you lynch people on the suspicion that they're eating cow they've eaten mate being like that that fucking cunt's breath smells like steak my mom just told me

I think he's where does where does the cow love come from? I think cow is a goddess. She's a mother. She's... Sorry, not goddess. The cow is a mother.

They consider her a mother. And I think it's because every part of the cow is useful. You know, you get something from it. And so they worship cows. And so they don't want to eat cows. Do you take the milk? Yes, they take the milk. Did Margaret thatcher not have anything to say about that margaret thatcher come to india and take away all the cow's milk milk of the gods

the other thing is uh when we were in i think it was uh delhi and bengal, we noticed it the most. There were lots of stray dogs who were not underfed even a single bit. Like, clearly just dogs that didn't have a place home. Fat dogs and starved people. Yeah. Yes. So the dogs just protected in India? Yeah.

Or does that come from the Hindu religion of, you know, we're all, all animals are one. Let's look after each other, sort of. I mean,

actually, I'm not quite sure about that, to be honest, but I think it's everybody just really likes animals because they generally hate each other. So I think we direct

all of our love towards the dogs. Yeah, good. If you want to ask us any ignorant white questions, we can explain to you we're like mayonnaise if you just want to balance this podcast yeah you know yeah so I think in general everybody just really loves the dogs and the cats and everything so they feed them but there's also a lot of ignorance around animals they are mistreated they are brutalized but we have a lot of like um ngos and which are

the non-funded organizations and charity organizations that take care of them uh but i'm really it's really heartening to see that dogs are generally loved love it love it i had asked questions about that because i was i do a bit about having a pet dog and i had to genuinely ask the audience because i didn't know i was like do you have pet dogs or do you just have dogs that are around both yeah my cat is actually an indoor outdoor cat yeah so she was in the building that i live in uh but now she just comes in she has a litter she has food and she comes and goes as she pleases so most of us have that's often the same yeah yeah everyone has like pets that go in and out but also like home pets just generally yeah

because you don't want to go too ignorant have you heard of ketchup here but also you need to know before you start talking you need to know

a little bit about the place I would fucking love you to walk on stage anywhere in India and say do you have ketchup here like have you heard of ketchup

in a country of sauces in a country of the most flavourful wonderful sauces they're like yeah we have it but

why it was an eruption yeah we were shocked at how much we love a sandwich there was someone Indian that was

just like he just loves sandwiches yeah you guys really love sandwiches there's so much bread in your food It's like

Have some fibre I need to shit It's all clogged up That was when When we were in India Everybody invited us To their mothers for food Yeah

Like we could have went To a million different houses For the mothers food It's like If you were over here I would never be like Do you want to come My mom she'll make you a sandwich

Pramila cheese spread Do you want to come to me, ma'am? She'll make you a sandwich. Prumila cheese spread. Do you want a worse version of tea? A whiff of thin ham. How have you been finding the Scottish food over here? Okay, it's not very flavourful. But it's deep fried. Yes. So that's how we...

Fused fat and everything. We don't like the crunch of lettuce because those are leaves. Still like the crunch. But we like the crunch of... So put crisps in your sandwich. Just make it. I had that Mars bar, the deep fried Mars bar. Oh yeah, you had one of them?

Yes, and it tasted like fish because it was from a fish and chips shop. I loved it. I was like, this is a fish and chips shop. I loved it. I was like, this is amazing. Fishy chocolate. I've got a theory. It's not a fact that that is just a tourist trap and not a Scottish person has ate a single one of those. Nobody in Scotland has one of them recreationally, but they tell everybody it's a Scottish thing that you do. So it's more like tourists eat them.

Then I have a follow up question is iron brew a real thing that's legit ok fine that's legit not the trap I fell for haggis is legit

whiskey is legit whiskey of course yeah whiskey is legit iron brew is the nature of the gods there's lots of debates in Scotland about

because you guys have milk she left you with a lot of iron yeah but you just put rust through a soda stream yeah about four or five years ago because of the sugar laws that were coming into place they had to legally change the recipe of iron brew which was beyond controversial here like the closest more controversy about fucking Brexit and Scottish independence. People were mass buying this stuff before they changed the fucking recipe. And burying it in their back garden.

So that in like 20 years we can dig it up and give to our skinny children. Be like, we used to have joy. Did you not find a place that sold it in New York? Yes, but in New York. The original recipe I am brewing. They will never in New York. The original recipe Iron Brew. They will never sell the original recipe Iron Brew in America because there's a secret ingredient in Iron Brew. But Mexico.

Is this not true? Have I made this up? Oh, balls. Oh, Matthew. I still want to know what was the thing you were making up. The thing I'd always heard was because there's a secret recipe in Iron Brew and only like three members of the brew family knew what it was. And when they started importing it to America,

America was like, tell us the secret ingredient. And they were like, it's girders. Because that used to be like the joke in the advert. It was made from steel iron girders. That's why it's called iron brew. And obviously America was like, ha, ha, ha. What's the fucking ingredient? And they were like, we're not telling you.

So there's now a less good version of it in the States. They put in three of the four nuke codes. What is an iron brew? Iron brew should always be drank at room temperature. It's like, oh, people will put ice in it. No, get out of here. It's a refreshing soft drink. Don't make it something it's not

You're not a sommelier How dare you It's like a fine red wine And to get the flavours of it properly Luckily in Scotland, room temperature is cold Yes But you're both iron brew purists Well, I'm from the other side of the border

I'm an iron brew purist There was a Back in the 90s I'm from the other side of the border. I'm an iron brew purist. Yeah, yeah. There was a, back in the 90s, there was a sweet called an iron brew bar and it was just tasted exactly like iron brew. And then for some reason, they just stopped fucking making it. So when I got like a tiny little bit of fame,

I approached Bar, the company, because they were like, do you want to work with us? And I'm like, I will work with you if you bring back iron brew bars. Like, please do. because they were like do you want to work with us and i'm like i will work with you if you bring back iron brew bars like please do and they were like we don't have the recipe for it anymore and i'm like but you've got the recipe for iron brew motherfuckers so just but if you've got one bar left i'll taste it and tell you and they just and i for years i've been trying to get them to bring because it wasn't made them. It was made by some little confectionery company

in the Borders that had the recipe for it. And then I think that either shut down or burned down or went into fucking, you know, company remission or whatever and just sort of died and they lost the recipe. And the only version of Iron Brew Bars now you can get are like Urwili, which is like a shitty Scottish comic book from like the 70s, 80s. They do a version of it, which is okay.

Is there still little statues of Ur-Willy dotted around the city? Yeah. You might have seen those. Oh. These little cartoonish kind of sculptors. Yeah. It was just a really weird cartoon

back in the days of like Dennis the Menace. I know Dennis. Yeah. Like that ilk. That same fucking vein. And now you miss the Iron Brubar. But they didn't bring it back. No.

Despite all of your fame. Despite your fame. You didn't have the power. No. It's devastating. I even tried to get in. When I got the level of fame of supporting you on tour, I approached the Mars Bar Company and asked them to change Snickers back to Marathon.

They wouldn't. Not even at your level of fame, can't you? We're not doing it. He still can't even get milk back in Newcastle. That has been long dead. Long dead. Just a bunch of journeys going, cow cum, I'm not drinking cow cum.

It's not... Oh, that's what it was. I started correcting. I've been fighting all all my life for this. When we were in India, because we were there for four days and because we were so worried about getting deli belly, because my mum has been doing work in India for the past two years, which she has to go there for three months over the year

to help reduce carbon emissions with coal burning and everything. India's the end of level boss. Yeah. Trying to help India reduce, because everyone blames India for the carbon emissions. Yes, of course. But then also expects India to do all of the cheap labour

and make everything for us, but do it in a more environmentally friendly way, which is an impossible thing to ask a developing nation to do so she's trying her best to do that and she loves Indian food so much but she's never once managed to go there without getting a bit sick at some point

so because we were performing for the first three days I felt like the worst fucking tourist in the world we had to go to a French cafe for some pastries yeah we were like let's get pizza let's get pasta let's do this

and then the last day at the Dead Ant Comedy Festival because we were flying out the next day I'm like just get us fucking everything you can and it was

it was unbelievable what did they get you? I can't remember the names of them but we got I had these recently you know

I guess the little crispy balls with a hole in the top with a hole in the top pani puri pani puri that's it

yes that was amazing I had them again the other day and I felt so cultured yeah I was like I've had these before did you have them spicy or did you have them sweet

or mix mix mix but I think spicy but it wasn't overwhelming spicy no I like spice

and we were getting a lot of like and I would tell the Indians that I like spice and they were like white boy spice we're not going to give you the real spice all right call my boy yeah we had um i can't remember i can't remember the name of it but it was like some sort of fried yellow vegetable thing in between like just a standard bun like a roll yes yes yes thatav. Yes, yes, yes. That was also amazing. I was shocked that this was just a regular grocery store bun.

I did not expect that at all. Like some traditional food from Stainsbury's. It's a bun. Yeah, and for a people that are just so good at making bread, like I feel like if you were to give any Indian woman over the age of 50 flour, rice and salt, within three minutes, she would have this beautiful,

like, roti or chapati or whatever and it would be delicious. Or she gets hit. So... She knows how to make it. Get it, Lane. See, the mother of all invention

is violence. It is. You know. I discovered from watching... They're very good at cooking, but not by choice. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I don't even know. Do you have a passion for cooking? I have a passion for living, so it has to go hand in hand. You know, I have to be useful. Yes, that's what we like to say. You know, I think the problem here is is that i want to say my thing but i'm also saying it to you're really nice but white people so it's like it

doesn't matter what i say now if i say the actual thing then it's like why did you go there and say it we can edit out if it's bad i'm gonna say it and then if i don't say it it's like oh it's not that good it's really bad here so I don't what would you recommend as food next time we go over because I'm I'm getting

I didn't have any deli belly at all afterwards and I've got that after we had that meal I've got that you've been it's a smallpox vaccine

yeah you've had a little bit I've given it a bit of time now I'm ready to feast your body's used to it now yeah just expose yourself to it now. Just expose yourself to it. Yeah, one bit at a time.

Slowly build it up. Is there anything next time we're over, whether it's like a meal or whether it's a dessert, that we absolutely have to try? Yes, there's so much. So if you go to Delhi, then you have to go to Old Delhi and you have to have nihari. Nihari?

Nihari, yes. i will actually send it to you on whatsapp as well so but i'm gonna yeah so nihari in old delhi uh butter chicken is also really nice if you go to yes butter chicken very nice butter chicken um dal makhani is another thing yes this is all in delhi we're still in delhi in sri lanka oh what kind of dal do they have do i i'm not is it no idea that's the yes discover dal i wasn't about it i wasn't about to deep dive into it like i was like i've just learned this new thing it's good fiber in case you want to have it between your sandwiches is it chickpeas it's chickpeas yes uh it's that is actually so many different types of dal like it's a yeah it's just beans you know so it's just like not types of dal it's just beans

not beans actually it's just dal, I don't know what it's called in English but there's so many different these three are up north I'm missing stuff of course in Bangalore you should get dosa which is that crispy did you have the white crispy thing

oh my god you didn't have idli, dosa idli, dosa, mehnda yeah and then you had this stuff in maharashtra you had in mumbai you had pani puri and vada pav yeah yeah every city you went to was actually in a different part of india so there's different food that you could have yeah types of diarrhea you could enjoy this one came out in drop hills this this was pure liquid um yeah i didn't even because i i went a while ago in 2011 and that the food didn't get me but the water did i i put ice in my whiskey did you have tap well first of all in that case you fucking deserve diarrhea from a scottish perspective yeah like that's all on you i don't know but it's hot in scotland did you have tap

water well i had ice that was made with tap water oh yeah somebody's house tap water is not drinkable so you have to we have like filters so wait a minute is it not drinkable for tourists is it not drinkable

for anyone for anyone so what the fuck were people going to be that ice for then where did you have this what establishment

it was at a promoter's house alright yeah then it was probably maybe it was not drinkable for you maybe he made it maybe it wasn't just that it might have been just brushing my teeth i understand i mean your body is used to a different level of filtration and that's a very fair deep fried chest the stuff with no

liquid we're just putting crispy oil into our stomachs murder the bacteria yeah yeah boil it to fucking death um what so we didn't have any indian desserts out there which i'm very where it's mad but like when we go to the restaurant when we go to japan or singapore we don't have any of their desserts because they don't do it great it's all like fucking green tea flavored stuff and yeah yeah And also all of the desserts are like, hey, you enjoyed your start on your main course, how about a milky rice ball? Chinese restaurants put everything into the first two courses.

Yeah, yeah. Like nothing. That's such an afterthought, the dessert menu. Whereas I feel like with Indian desserts, from what I've seen, it's just the sugariest, sweetest. It's so much sugar. Baklava?

Is that Indian? No, that much sugar. Is that Indian? No, that's Turkish. Is that Turkish? Wrong continent. It's Arabic. And what part of India is the Turkish delight from? Is that south or is that...

White Russian, that's an Indian drink, right? Is gelato from here? Pizza, right? Is gelato from here? Is it Scottish? Pizza, right? Pizza. He's famous for pizza. But you know, you've got the palate, right?

Because it's full of sugar syrup. So even though you don't know the exact place, it is full of sugar syrup. It's really sugary, but it's so good. But you will feel a little sick, so you have to space it out. That's the sign of a good dessert like problem with british and american desserts is you can always be like oh i could have another bit of this oh it's a bit fucking moreish i like when sugar sugary

stuff is so fucking sickly that your body's like if we were diabetic i we would be fucking dead like it would be fully over i feel like in india you can grab someone who's got an insulin watch and it starts beeping they should get through you a lot of indians get diabetes because of this i died sorry do you guys have a lot of diabetes yeah we do but just yeah undiagnosed. Just a lot of death. Okay, well, they have some of that. Like, one of the things that you might have noticed, one of the biggest differences between Scotland and England

is our names for squash, you know, like cordial liquid that you add water to to make it. So it's called cordial in America. It's called... Diluting juice. Squash in England. And it's called cordial in America. It's called... Diluting juice. Squash in England. And it's called diluting juice in Scotland. Iron brew is juice in Scotland.

We would call that juice. It's not a fizzy drink. It's juice. Juice is cordial. Coke is juice. Or fresh orange juice. Fat is juice. Tango is juice.

That's pop. All juice. Iron brew is juice? This is why we're all diabetic. I call it pop. If you want to know what the actual orange juice of Scotland is, it's iron brew is juice this is why we're all diabetic I call it pop it's all if you want to know what the actual orange juice of Scotland is

it's iron brew because it's an orange juice orange juice is some sort of fruity cocktail yeah I kind of believe when you say

like you want some juice and then pour a Coca-Cola yeah like I've that's not it if I overdo what did you juice to get that then

we squeezed an american just um so what what desserts should we go for next time we're there i think you should definitely have jalebi that's a good one yeah again i will send you all these names there's rasmalai there's gulab jamun those three are really good these all just sound fun to say as well just order them for the same sale them you might as well just go to a sweet shop sorry yeah in my accent as well say it again gulab jamun gulab jamun yes i must say if you guys go and place your orders at any matthai shop they will be really tickled to hear you guys say the names they would enjoy it yeah well because i'd like to i'm gonna i'm gonna stick with hindi to be able to ask like not please may i have i guess i'll be learning give me that fuck this give me that okay ah we're not friends we can exist in each

other's company without without showing numbers they would respect you if you yell at them in hindi they'd be like who's this alright that's from a white boy give him good let's give him good customer service also you should go

into a matthai shop and just you know what it's like just have fun just there's they're all in different shapes and they're all different colours

like macaroons go in blind yes they're the same shape different colours same shape different colours same shape different colours just like people that's just me denying

the existence of fat people put it in the fat jar five pound in the fat jar give it to a charity it's going to be full of jars it made it broke totally flat broke you should make the fat jar fat

yeah yeah yeah that'll be the fat jar fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll be the one jar that's actually a piggy bank. You should have the raised jar different colours. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Defeat the purpose of the jars. And we'll put slightly less money in the sexism jar for women. Yeah, like 80% more. We'll be like, we entitled black people there,

so they get a fiver and these dumb sluts get three British pounds that's amazing where can our podcast listeners

follow you where can they find you are you doing any more of the UK after this yes I'm

coming back here in October I'm doing three shows at the Soho Theatre great i'm i'm coming back here in october i'm doing three shows at the soho theater amazing i don't know the exact dates but it's diwali time so it's around diwali and uh i'm you can follow me on instagram and my youtube channel is also called the same thing i put stand-up videos there with english subtitles yeah and now and now you'll know what it's like to be any of my foreign fans who are like

oh I actually need these thanks so much for coming on thank you thank you for having me I had a really nice time thank you

enjoy the rest of your Fringe Festival yeah and congratulations on all your very very well earned success thank you and we will see you

in Mumbai yes please yes I will take you to all the nice food places you can be our food tourist yes absolutely

yes awesome sweet thank you